Berner Phone - Berner Phone #42: Airport Problems

Episode Date: May 26, 2024

This episode raised our blood pressure. Traveling is stressful and fellow travelers often make it even worse. Perhaps a travelers license should be a new requirement at airports.  50% off meals at factormeals.com/bern50  with code BERN50 $15 a month wireless plans at mintmobile.com/berner 20% off shapewear and bras at honeylove.com/BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. Hello, everybody. Des is currently in Nashville. Very separated. I'm in Londontown for the first time ever.

Wow. And I just had some high tea, so it's going to be a crazy episode. Afternoon tea. It's not tea that has cannabis in it. I actually don't know why it's called high tea. I'm going to say something controversial here. Okay. Afternoon tea, it's kind of overrated in that the experience is nice, the atmosphere is nice,

but the food is not amazing. What's your feeling? so not to be equally as controversial in the first two minutes of the episode however i completely agree i think it's way more about the aesthetic it's the aesthetic it looks beautiful it's the ambiance because let's be honest they don't put any effort in those sandwiches there is zero effort in those sandwiches and these fucking scones yeah because it's like oh let's have one slice of ham with a bit of butter with the with the crust cut off

and say that this is fancy. That's a toddler's meal. Literally you just took the words out of my mouth. It's a kindergarten's lunchbox, fucking lunch with a fucking scone and a ham and then there'll be like one that

just literally just has like smush. Some sort of like egg smush. I'm an eater. I'm an eater. If you give me stuff, I'm going to eat it. And it's definitely not made for people to eat the whole thing. No, it's made for six people. Yeah, so I'm sitting there.

I down three of the little sandwiches with no crust. And then next to the scones, I'm like, this is a lot of carbs, a lot of carbs. The scones, I thought was great. I really liked the scones. No notes for the scones. I love scones famously. I once choked on a scone. One scone, cup of tea.

That's a meal. But then to also immediately have like weird chocolates, that was. And macaroons? Yeah, I just was, and I don't normally crave a green, but I was like I could use some different thing besides sweet, cakey shit for a second. And also, clotted cream is not better than butter, okay? But I mean, it's up there.

Why is it called clotted cream? Because you're going to die, it's going to clot your arteries? No, because it's like clumpy. Oh, yeah. Well, I fuck with clotted cream. Oh, okay. So we don't agree. Give me butter over clotted cream any day.

I do agree. However, I'm not going to talk bad on clotted cream. Okay. But anyway, needless to say, I do enjoy the ambiance of the afternoon tea. And honestly, the way I feel about afternoon tea is the way I feel about Beijing duck. Okay? Beijing, oh, yeah. Like, the afternoon tea, the first time you have it is like one of the coolest experiences of all time. But once you've sort of experienced like, wow, this is so cool. And the first couple of bites, it's really like over. rated. Also as a New Yorker who's used to deli sandwiches, I'm like, hey, you forgot 30 pounds

of ham on this sandwich. But that's just, that's just sandwiches in Europe in general. You will never, the European jaw has not been trained to be able to bite an American sandwich. You know, like, because I'm doing my ACL recovery, obviously, you know, it takes time to be able to, you know, move those muscles. The European jaw didn't stretch to, to eat like an American hero or hoagy or like and i guess maybe the european men have small peeps how did that happen i i don't think it has anything to do with penis size it just has to do with the fact that i think americans probably don't need to eat as much meat on a sandwich as is natural here you know like there are literally some sandwiches that are impossible to bite like you have to take meat off that's valid

that's valid and i feel like guys with small dicks would try to make sandwiches that big it's also Europeans, when they have cream cheese on bagels, they must, in New York, they must be offended. Because it's basically cream cheese with a little bit of bread. Like, no one needs, like, there's so much cream cheese coming out through the middle of the bagel that, like, you take one bite and then that whole bit falls off onto wrapping paper. So, yes, there's a large yes. There's an excess to the American sandwich. But on the flip side, there's a frugalness to the British sandwich. What's the word for austerity?

There's an austerity to the British sandwich that perhaps should have been brought up in the Brexit negotiations. It's just some meals are very like balanced where it's like, oh, they chose to have this soup with them this and there's a lot of different textures and that's not what you get with high tea. It's just buttery bread in different forms

with one piece of ham. But it was lovely. You're having a nice... It was absolutely lovely. It was incredible. I enjoyed it a lot. All right. So you're English now.

Anyway, you're heading to Ireland on Monday for your Irish show, so that'll be very exciting. I think I have some tickets left. One of my shows in Dublin. The Tuesday. The Tuesday. I saw the funniest meme that was like, you ever, like, have things going so bad in life? You can't even do your pretend-fun British accent. Oh, I saw that.

You sent that to me. That was funny. Doesn't I love just talking of each other in bad British accents? But then when you're really depressed, it's hard to do it because it means you're not being a silly little goose. It's hard. So speaking of travel, today's episode, in honor of the fact that this week you traveled to France and then you got the train to London, then you're going to Dublin. I'm in Nashville and I'm flying back to New York.

And then immediately, same day, flying to Dublin to reconnect with you. the folks, your folks, on Monday morning in Dublin. So we did travel pet peeves. We've been wanting to do this for a long time. We've been waiting for an excuse. And the moment has arisen. We could do hours and hours on this topic.

Whether you fly a lot or you fly a little, it's important to know the things to look out for when you're flying and all these pet peeves. So let's just get right into it. Because like honestly, we could start. start talking about our pet piece, but they were well covered by the, they were well covered by the dialers. Let's go, let's start with this. If your boarding group is not boarding, sit the fuck down. When they say, we're going to start pre-boarding shortly and every single person from boarding group seven stands up and crowds around the gate, you're not helping anybody. Sit the

fuck down. I hate it. I hate it so much. I know to patiently wait in my chair. The children and strollers and first-class gold medallion diamond members, they can go first, they can stand up, they can get in line, they can walk on the plane, and I will still be sitting in my seat, watching the other planes take off through the window. Everyone else, with their stupid little neck pillows hanging around their backpack with a million carabiners,

don't need to be standing around blocking the line, making me confused when now it's my turn to get up and go. Sit the fuck down. Wow, she got me pumped up. I'm like pumped up listening to that. I love that so fucking much. That makes me so fucking happy. And this is the thing.

I don't think any of the little dialers are these people. But if you are, here's some advice. If you're, let's say, your group two and you're really excited to get on the plane and you want to make sure that you get on as soon as possible, you just standing in front of the line is just going to cause you to have awkward interactions with at least 50 people who are in front of you and going to be like, are you online or you not? What are you waiting for? Because you're not on the line because you haven't been called.

So you're just standing in people's way and making it fucking awkward and weird for everyone. I mean, I'm going to give grace to the people that like maybe don't travel a lot and don't quite understand the boarding process. But like some people just have travel anxiety. And they try to ease that anxiety by sort of like crowding the entrance. And it can cause like a lot of issues. Some people, I feel like, have this like chutzpah, I don't know if that's the right word to use, but they're like always determined to be ahead of everyone. Like they're fucking crazy with like, I'm going to be first. And they get off on like, I'm going to be first in every situation when it's like you actually can't be.

And that's when you have that awkward interaction where you're like, are you online? And they're like, then why are you not walking into the line? And they're like, my group hasn't been called. And I'm like, okay, well, why are you there? group is called so then you're not on the line and then it's like i can't have that interaction with too many people or i'll blow my brains out but some people even like when i was you know like when things are merging there's those people who will never let you walk like they'll always be ahead of you i have people cut in front like i'll be with my mom and people will fight so hard to get in between me

and my mom and i'm just like okay you feel better now that like you're in between a mother and daughter you've you've separated me from her child or like or like a funeral procession on the highway and like somebody like has to come in the middle it's like bro you don't come in the middle of a funeral process you don't separate a family i'll be talking to my mom and someone will be like trying to get in between us and i'm like okay but i'm going to go around you eventually or like someone cuts you in the line of because travel is a long process if you have a weird interaction with them at boarding you're stuck with them you're gonna have a weird interaction when you're putting the bags up you'll have a weird interaction waiting for the bathroom you have a weird

interaction walking out you're fucking stuck with that motherfucker so let's all chill out okay now one thing i've never gotten comfortable with because we're delta diamonds we're not saying this as we're not bragging we're not bragging but at the end of the day delta diamond you do board early and i have to say that i even though you know delta diamond boards pretty early uh i still like to get i still like to make sure that i'm on with the delta diamonds all to do with bag space anxiety my anxiety with flying these days. I have no anxiousness except for I want to make sure that I have overhead space for my bag.

So I don't like to miss the early boarding for that reason. But sometimes, for whatever reason, like Hannah needs to get a Starbucks, and it turns out that the Starbucks line is way longer than it looked like because there's an issue with the biscuit, bacon, egg, fucking breakfast. So we don't make it for the Delta Diamond. And so now we have the situation where we can still,

We can still go in the priority line while, say, like, Zone 3 or Zone 4 is like lining up on the non-priority line. I've never been, the working class man in me has never been comfortable with the suddenly, I'm walking up the other side and I now have the right to jump in front of these people. Now, I do it because I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety of worrying about my bag, but I've never been, I hang my head. in shame when I am that guy. So this has happened to me where, yeah, people are in line,

no one's in the priority line, there's maybe six people ahead of me. I'm like, I'm not going in the priority line. I'm not a fucking douche. And then you stand in the priority line, and then a group of people walk. You stand in the regular line. I'm sorry, you stand in the regular line,

but you're looking at the priority line, and then a group of people walk in the priority line and go past you, and you're like, oh, my God. And then you feel bad. You're like, okay, clearly people are using it. I just didn't have the balls to be the first asshole to do it. Yeah.

And since you've been a fan of using Yiddish in this episode, you, you're, you, you feel like a schmuck. You feel like a schmuck. I had the, I had the, you know, I had the lane to use, but I didn't use it because I was trying to be a good person. I know all these other people. Shout out to Clear. I do love Clear, but I was, I told a story on Gigli Squad where I, no one was in Clear, no

one's in what is the thing that we almost got divorced over. TSA Pre. TSA Pre. So I go, you know what? clear I always get random I have to take out my ID so I said fuck I'm just gonna go to TSA pre I go in the TSA pre line and I'm like second and then like 10 people go into the clear line and they take all of them before me and I literally got so annoyed that I just like mailed out loud like I have clear and everyone's like well you're not in the line you're stupid bitch and the guy in front of me like looked back because he was annoyed because like there's there a rule how many clear people go ahead like we were standing there for so long and I was like about to just go like, those are the little things that I try to, I just make bad decisions sometimes

and I can't live with myself. Hannah uses Clare so much that you've befriended one of the girls on the Clearline in LaGuardia and I recently was there and she was like, oh, where's your wife? I haven't seen, I haven't seen your wife lately. It's funny. No, some of the girls are so cute.

They'll be like, have I seen you on TikTok? And I said, maybe. And then they're like, girl, come on. But I do have to say, I've been getting random ID'd a lot with these clear lines I think they're doing it more often but anyway this is all just if you travel

a lot otherwise it's not worth it but yeah anyway need is to say you don't have to block the boarding area you know you can just be sitting down and pay attention to when your zone is called okay and but you know what's interesting somehow because I'm conscious of not being

that annoying person that has to be first but somehow wherever I stand I always end up being last does that ever happen to you like I'm ready to go on for, you know, diamond medallion and everyone's standing there and somehow when everyone merges, I always end up last. I don't know if it's because I'm not aggressive enough or I think I stand on the side and you should rather stand towards the middle so you can kind of squeeze through like a salmon. I mean, I'll admit, I am guilty of when it's very close

to my zone being called. I am guilty of being in the zone. You see, if people know the Long Island River in New York City, there's this weird thing where people stand in front waiting for the track. And then when the fucking track is posted, they're all jet because they want to see. And when it comes to like waiting for the Delta Diamond Zone to be called, I am there at the front because especially if I'm first class, I know this is starting to sound a little elitist, but if I'm first class, even in first class, you can have, you know, overhead bin anxiety because, you know, sometimes it just suddenly like people are banging those bags in quick. And first class people feel this like this entitlement where they're putting up small bags

in the fucking overhead bin. First class people are the most annoying and the most entitled. Like I've seen so much rudeness where someone is like, can you put your backpack on the ground? And they're like, no. And they're like, well, I have to put my suitcase here. You just got an upgrade. This isn't a fucking private charter jet here, okay? You just got an upgrade to first class.

You're not that special. But anyway, so you do have to kind of like, you do. have to go for it but this is the thing does there's this i don't want to make it like sexist or anything but because i'm also dressed like a kindergartner let's just keep that in mind i'm dressed like a kid kindergartener with my backpack and sweats on at the airport and i'm standing towards the front because i'm diamond medallion and as i'm standing there all these business men just start going in front of me standing in front of me and i'm not going to go and stand in front of them but it's like They just assume I'm an idiot

So I always end up going last Because the businessman stand in front of me Even though I'm standing in the front You get boxed out You need to post up But it's like okay so if they go in front of me Do I go in front of them? Yeah bro

It's fucking war out there There's a war going on outside No man is safe from You can run but you can't hide forever You know mob deep knows So I don't know why you don't know There's a war You gotta fucking post up

You got a Caitlin Clark that shit No one assumes I'm Delta Diamond because I look disgusting As far as boarding goes It's Caitlin Clark Angel Reese You got a fucking post up man Don't be fucking Don't be getting intimidated by these

By these businessmen Anyway let's go for We got so many Let's go for more We spent a lot of time on that And all we did was represent our privilege We've never been less relatable Than the start of this

No but we fly seven times a week So it's the one thing we have Okay so there's one that I want to get to Oh I do I love this one. This one makes me laugh. My biggest airport pep peeve would be the people that get on last on the airplane and they have like five bags.

One bag is full of food. One bag is from Disney World. One bag is their carry-on. One's their purse. And they can't, like, figure out how to sit down with 85 bags. And then the plane is like, okay, everybody sit down. And they're like, oh, let me just open my food and eat it. And you're like, can you sit down?

I've just never understood the 85 million bags. Just put it in one bag. It's so much easier. I mean, there's a little bit of exaggeration here. But like, if you're getting on the plane late, like, let's face it. there's a pretty good chance you're not getting that fucking roll that roller bag up into the thing

like why are we pretending do you ever see these people like all the way at the back and then they're like oh there's nowhere for my bag it's like no shit motherfucker you can't like there's not a chance this is premium space in the overhead the premium space and overhead

but that's what's weird like I don't know but back in the day wasn't everyone allowed to put it in overhead like was it always that restricted well you know what it was they started charging for checking in your bag. They started charging.

Oh, but also this reminds me, sometimes you always have to get your bag checked. Like once you get to the gate, they go, we're checking everyone's back. That's fine. That's cool. But then if there's like no order

to like, if you're one of the first people on, your bag is not coming back first. And then everyone just awkwardly stands at the side of the, whatever it's called. The jetway? The jetway. Is that what they call that?

So we're all standing there awkwardly. and people are just going to the front like there's no organization to the line I do have to say they call it cues in Europe people in Paris and I think British people they were saying they're good at cues I don't know what that means but Americans are not good at cues and my favorite thing about being a New Yorker

is when someone is like skipping the line and someone calls them out I would never be me but when someone does it it's I mean you have that person a fucking trophy yeah one time we used to go to Miniola pool club like a community pool in Mineola, even away from Queens.

One time there was a long line for the diving board. And I don't know, I was like midway through and some fucking kid cuts in behind his friend. His friend lets him into the line. My mother was like all the, like my mother was like 30, 40,

maybe 50 yards away sitting down. My mother fucking gets up and comes down and fucking's like, hey I saw you cut my mother fucking calls out this kid that cut in front of me like but you you can't cut I've seen it you kids are doing this all the time go to the back of the line you don't have the right to cut I mean my I was so fucking embarrassed but obviously now in hindsight posthumously I got to give my mother credit but at the time I mean I couldn't have been more embarrassed but you know you got to call that shit out but then also some people are just

bad at waiting in line like I'd go I go to random coffee shops and airports and someone will just be like standing near and I'll be like I'll go up to the cashier and they're like excuse me I'm next and I'm like I'm so sorry but like in what world were you why are you not at the cashier but that's some like just some you know miscommunication about it like sometimes you're not cutting but it just so happens that you didn't realize somebody was there and then like excuse me it's like okay no this isn't literally that'll happen and I'm like I'm so I totally can wait two minutes for you to go before me this is not a thing. I literally had no idea. Also, if you're going to cut a line, are you going to do it

that fucking obviously if you knew someone was there? Yeah, but I also, I also like, when like you're on a line, like, let's say you're at a line like at the supermarket and there's like an issue. It's funny how suddenly you all become like friends, like quickly. You'll turn around and you'll be like, I don't know what the fuck's going. This guy got a lot of fucking toilet paper. And then suddenly like you're like part. You all have a common eminy. Enemy. Enemy. I mean, no, no, man, no, man, man, man. No, you all have a common enemy and you bond over it. And you're like, this fucking idiot.

How stupid are you? But this is very New York energy we're giving right now. They're probably nicer about this in the Midwest. They're probably like, oh, yeah, you're good. You're fine. Oh, yeah. Don't you worry. Don't you worry.

So. In the South, they're like, bless your heart. You're perfect. Don't you worry about a thing. You just get on right on the line. This one is controversial. Okay, and I'm curious. I'm curious how you feel about this.

This is controversial and it's a big thing. Morning, guys. So my biggest pet peeve is when people try to go and catch you in the TSA line being like, oh, sorry, I'm late for my flight, I'm late for my flight. Fuck you. We all had to get here early and you should have too. I don't care that you're going to be late for your flight. Get the fucking line.

Also, if you take your shoes off on the plane, you should be arrested. Anyways, love you guys. Wow, she has some hot takes. What do you think? The first one's very interesting because I've been that guy a couple of times in my life, like literally maybe twice, and all my flying, for whatever reason, I have a situation where I'm super late. One of the times was, it was actually, it was right after my fucking mother died,

I should have canceled the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I decided to do it, and I was a fucking mess. And I left a bag on the rental car fucking van. and I had to wait for the van to come back around. It took like a half an hour. And by the time I checked in, I was fucking late. So that was one time. And people were kind of gracious about it.

And so in that situation, I go, thank you for the grace. But I've also been in this situation where people are like, I'm late. And I have felt like this person. And I kind of feel like there has to be like a system where you're allowed that once, maybe twice in your life. But if you're like a chronic late person, and you've figured out, hey, I can just pull the fucking, I'm late, I'm late, I'm very, very late, fucking Allison Wonderland card, then you're an asshole. But the problem is, how can you know if this guy's being an, if this guy's just, you know,

just a chronic procrastinator or not? I think what happens is if you're running really late and there's a huge line, you go up to one of the security people and you show them, like, I'm boarding and literally boarding ends in like 10 minutes. I have to get on this. they will bring you to the front but then you have to ask yourself you have to ask the people if you can go

and it's kind of like embarrassing for you because you're like it's like you messed up and you have to be embarrassed and the person will be like sure you can go but you're a fucking idiot which I mean I don't know if I might have done it before but I don't remember the security people don't always bring you to the front sometimes it's just like

I'm sorry my late I'm just about to miss my flat and they're like walking by everybody I mean the goal the goal to do it you have to embarrass yourself if you're going to do that so it's kind of like you'll get it but it's embarrassing

but you also have no choice so here's your thing you have no choice because it's like it's what you gotta do it's like yes you're and this this dialer is 100% right

yes I fucked up I should have got here early like you you did it right but I'm also in a situation where I have to attempt to just get by you all because otherwise

I'm missing my flight you're asking You have to ask for a favor. You have to put your tail between your legs and beg. And it's funny because with the airport, you have people who are so calm because they're three hours early next to people who are like a fighting for their life.

I do think also when you go to the front you just ask that first person, can I skip you? It is kind of fucked up because it's like does every single person that line agree with that? It's like Game of Thrones. Like literally, you have to go through the whole fucking process of like, shame, shame, shame.

You have to walk. You have to walk by everybody knowing that you're an idiot. See, the only time I've only had too bad, like, late things. When I was in college, all my teammates were going to New York to stay at my place. And for whatever reason, I didn't check in on my phone. But I, like, got there, like, I guess 45 minutes an hour early. And they were like, oh, you can't board because you didn't check in in time. And I was like, what?

And I was like, but the plane hasn't even taken off. and they were just like you haven't you can't go on and it was sucked because it's a small airport I'm like I can see my friends they're going to my house so that I cried and then the second one was when I had to go to Connecticut but I was flying in and the gate LaGuardia is fucking long like it's like 20 minutes long and the gate it had said was all the way like east so let's say so I went to the very end and then it said the gate switched to completely the other side of the airport and when I got there I'd missed it by five minutes, and I was running, like sweating, like just disgusting. So instead of taking like a 40-minute, 30-minute flight to Connecticut, I had to take a four-hour Uber.

So that sucked a lot. That was a bad one that time. And I'm not over it. I'm not over it. Yeah. So, you know, this one of these ones where I 100% agree with the dialer, but I, you know, I also understand that like you kind of, when you're in that situation, you have no choice. So yes, you are right and you should make these people feel

as uncomfortable as possible but in reality letting them through doesn't really affect you in terms of the fact that you're on time and you're letting them through and they're a dick and that's just part of life

you know that that's just There are those moments where you decide do I make a fool of myself to make sure I'm okay or do I play it cool and just take the L what do you think about the shoes off? First of all, I'm very paranoid about smelling my feet

So when I'm flying overnight, and I know that flying overnight, I'm going to want to take off my shoes because it's more comfortable when you're sleeping. I will absolutely make sure I have the freshest pair of shoes and absolutely freshest pair of socks. And I will make sure that there is no odor, right? That's very hygienic of you, babe. I think on an overnight flight, you should be able to take off your shoes. And I think most people understand that. if you're just somebody that always takes off their shoes like on a two hour flight

I don't understand that and if you're not aware that your feet stink and you take off your shoes damn you to hell damn you to hell okay that just went from zero to 100 damn you to hell I mean it's it's just unacceptable

I've never heard you say that term damn you to hell I'm breath paranoid too like I won't even like like if I'm in like the economy and you know I'm next to somebody and they like ask me a question I'll cover my mouth like a fucking pitcher trying to hide the conversation with the pitching coach I'll cover my mouth to make sure that they can't smell my breath so I am odor paranoid

you know if you have smelly feet it's it's horrendous but I have to tell you that there's a lot of feet issues with traveling yeah sometimes with my feet like I feel like my feet will be like swollen and my shoes will feel tight so you can unknot it you know loosen it a little bit I've taken my shoes off before but i always lose my shoes like if i take my shoes off like if i take my shoes off like my shoes will be rolling everywhere like they're rolling into the guy's seat in front of me they're on the side so we don't do that anymore i think i did it once your shoes are so bad there's living organisms moving them around no but i've just i lose my shoes i don't know where anything is but if you're having your bare feet out that's disgusting yeah on an overnight though

on an overnight i have to my i get restless leg syndrome yeah it's easier to deal with restless like syndrome when you take off your shoes so i i do believe on an overnight you should take them off what do you do if someone falls asleep with their head on your shoulder oh i that i think that's happened to me one time one time it was like a woman she was like a nice person think she was like of a similar age to me you started petting her hair she fell asleep and you know i i was just like pondering our future no i just i didn't say anything i think i came i remember i remember she woke up and was kind of like embarrassed i was like it's fine you know it's like reassuring i do have to say there are people who meet on airplanes and get married and live

their lives happily ever after i mean obviously there's the joke of the airport crush are you familiar with the airport crush joke? No. That anyone who's relatively close to your age at an airport, you for some reason will have sexual tension with. Right. Interesting. So like if anyone is close to your age, it's like you notice each other at the airport and

they're like, they could be ugly, but you just have tension with them because it's the only choice in the airport. But Emily D. Donato, who's this like gorgeous Mabelene model. entrepreneur she's i think she's yeah she's been on burning in hell before she went on a flight and this guy just started talking her some finance dude and they ended up getting married was he six five blue eyes no have you haven't seen that i have one of men in finance he did have blue eyes i don't think it was six five but he has blue eyes men in finance but um they realized they had mutual friends and like he wasn't creepy at all like she more so was like

interested um because he wasn't being creepy and then they took a cab together i don't know i'm making it up but now they're married with two two kids and they met on a flight to new york so you never know i did what many many years ago i somebody was sitting next to me and we had a couple of dates afterwards but it wasn't the the fine uh romance story it's allergy season and i'm feeling it my mom's feeling it. Des is feeling it. It's tough out here in these streets, and that's why I'm so excited to partner with Astopro. It's the first of its kind nasal allergy spray. It's the fastest 24-hour over-the-counter allergy spray, and it starts working in 30 minutes when other allergy sprays take hours, and I love a little spray. On the run, when you start feeling under the weather,

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Okay, let's get into some TSA. I could go on for days about this But the biggest thing is the security line and the people who do not listen to directions when they're going through. TSA, the poor guys are constantly shouting out what they need you to take off and take out. And every time you get up to the belt and there is a gym who acts like he's never been through an airport security before. He uses eight bins up to take one shoe off in one bin, another shoe off in another, and his pet turtle in another.

Then he doesn't take his belt off and he's shocked when he gets flagged through the metal detector. He has to come back. Then he's shocked that he gets flagged again for the 40 quarters that's in his pocket. I've actually seen that happen. So it's just baffling to me the lack of people that listen to directions. And it's not rocket science people. Take off your belt. Take out your laptop.

Move along. Also, why do you have change in your pockets? it's it's 2024 yeah i mean i always feel bad criticizing the like the people that are bad at tsa because i feel like a lot of times they're just people that don't travel a lot you know and and that is the problem you know you're sort of people that travel a lot have low level patience uh people that don't travel a lot they're fucking nervous they don't know what to do and you're just surrounded by these people that are like what the fuck but at the same time it it's almost like you need to have a travel license you know i'm not saying that being able to get a driver's license means that all

the drivers on the road are good drivers, but it just means you have, like, a basic knowledge of what you need to do. And it's kind of like, you need a travel license or else there should be like, there should be a lane for like people that don't have the travel license. It's like, okay, I don't know what's going on. Yeah, this is going to be slow. This is the learner's permit, TSA line. Well, that's why TSA pre is great because everyone's professionals, they know what's going on. Yeah, I know, except TSA pre, there's too many people in it now. I do get annoyed, though. You know when it's finally your turn and you grab one. know the bins and then the person behind you immediately starts grabbing a bin it's like i have

to use multiple bins let's see how many bins i need before you start grabbing the bins and like let's all fucking calm down okay i hate it's like when you're in traffic and someone's honking you when there's a car three feet ahead of you and you're like really are we rushing for me to move two steps amen also also little tip little tippy poo is there's a new way to go through security where they have, you know, those bins that are like doubled up and it's like a whole machine. Yes. And it's not just the strip. Go with the old school just strip.

Yeah, but that's only, that option is only in LaGuardia. At LaGuardia. Okay, go use the strip. Don't use the fancy machine thing. It takes fucking forever. And some people don't know that they should have to move. They have to wait to move their thing and they will just leave your suitcase on it. So my mom said this recently happened to her where I guess,

she pushed it but you have to wait until to push it again and she didn't know because she doesn't travel that often and she went to the other side and then it just like never came and the guy was like you didn't push it you have to go back in line and push it like it was a whole like almost humiliation like ritual no but so so the the thing that annoys a lot of people because I feel like it's in there somewhere but I can't find it the thing that annoys a lot of people is the stupid bin system which I guess there's some science that suggests it's better I to me it's slowed things

up but but I think a lot of the bin system thing has something to do it you don't have to take as much stuff out of your bag like I think with those bins you don't have to take your computers out but anyway so sometimes the first one will open up which is the last one so that's your you go to that one

but then the person behind you opens up the fucking first one and next thing their shit is fucking through before you. Yeah, the system is not fair. It's like life. It's not fair. And you have a decision to make. You're like, where do I go? I hate when you make a certain decision and then you're like, it backfires on you. What's next? A funny airport story. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. Hannah, I love you. I think you're hilarious. I'm also a giggler. Does, you are funny for a white dude. Good for you. This is not necessarily.

necessarily a pet peeve at an airport, but just a funny airport story. So I was traveling with my mom and my sister after, it was like close after 9-11 happened. And my mom sometimes has, like, she can't pronounce words. Like, that's just like a thing with her. And we were walking through the airport. I was like a kid. I think I was like maybe 12. And she's like, telling the airport attendant we need help we don't know where we're going we're terrorists

she meant to say tourists and we were immediately like mom we're not terrorists we're terrorists we're not terrorists we're tourists tourists anyway that's it bye

oh my god you gotta be careful when you say that you can't joke around no you cannot joke around or if you say anything about like a bomb oh yeah straight away straight away can't joke

around. I did it once when I was quite young, you know, because I was traveling a lot back and forth when I was young. And I made a joke. And the guy was like, listen, I know you're joking, but you cannot joke. Like, I could literally arrest you right now. Gave me like the lecture. I was like, oh shit, okay. And I knew. You were just trying to be a little silly goose. All right. This is another elitist one. Hi, Pittsburgh Gigler here. Hannah loved your show last weekend. Des. We'll see in a couple weeks. So my biggest airport pet peeve is regarding lounge etiquette. I am a lounge girly, like to have a glass of wine and some yummy snacks before a flight. And I just think that some people are disrespecting the sanctity of these lounges. Um, like first, if you're traveling

with children, Moe, I'm sorry, but please teach them how to act properly in a lounge. Like, it's not a playground. And if they want to, you know, watch little videos or play games on their iPad, give them headphones. Somehow, this is also feeding over into adults. Like, why are we not wearing headphones when you're having a business call or watching little YouTube videos or whatever the fuck you're doing on your device like lounges are supposed to be relaxing and if I wanted to be surrounded by that chaos I would have just gone to my gate which I didn't so okay thanks bye love you guys love the privilege I love the privilege kids love a dingy song a dingy game like ding ding ding ding ding and you're like I have a fucking migraine and I have to pay my taxes

you, I will break your iPad. Yeah, you should have comfortable pink Bluetooth fucking headphones with very cushiony ear things for your kid when you're in the line. Kid stuff is so tough because like I get it. Traveling with your kid is stressful, but also like you have to minimize the distraction that your kid is providing to other people.

It's a fact. Well, it's kind of like crying babies where like it's really annoying but you're like, you know what? I want everyone to be happy. It could be, could have been made. It could be my kid Crying babies I'm fine with because you're out of control You're not in control that

So I got no problem with crying babies But what I do have is a problem like say for example In a lounge situation I have a problem with your kids running around like lunatics I know that you can't control your kids But if you can't control your kids You don't bring them into a situation where people don't want to deal with that shit You know what I mean?

True put them in a cage No but like Or a corner Stay in the just Or a closet it stay in the normal part of the airport you know my favorite is when you walk in the bathroom and there's just like a kid roaming and you're like where are you okay where's your mommy i know that's always a funny thing where you like your your adult parental instincts you know

your human instincts of like i need to help this child kick in but then there's always like that moment of like but i don't want anyone to think i'm talking to the little boy but i just like yeah where the fuck is your father well you know they've been told like don't talk to adults because they will try to kidnap you and then I'm like hi are you okay do you need anything do you want to find your mom and they're like you could be the person who takes me forever yeah one time I had to help this kid watch his hands you know he's like obviously like good kid raised right and he was like refused to leave the bathroom without washing his hands but the counter was so tall that he like couldn't reach the soap so I had to like help him get the soap and

then he was like washing his hand and then he left but his dad his dad felt that he was okay for going in the bathroom on his own good for him he needed a stranger's help but otherwise kids i i understand traveling with kids you know it really is tough you know honestly it's been a couple of times where i've been in delta one and there's like really loud kids in delta one and i'm like you know i this really your children shouldn't have the delta one experience should there be non-smoking non-kid section wait i actually recently had an experience that pissed me off and I'm interested to know your take. This is the thing about the man that was in front of me.

He was an asshole. Like, he came in late, he sat there, and he started calling over the steward people and complaining that the Wi-Fi wasn't working and that we're going to Europe, and he was all like, it doesn't say if it's month day or day-month, why wouldn't they say that here?

It's not clear. I'm trying to put my credit card in. It's not working. Like, everything that it's like, dude, figure, out or like the Wi-Fi is never fucking working so like everyone calm down so he's already fucking annoying me and then it's an overnight flight so we're going to sleep and this guy starts snoring so loud wow like he woke me up because his snores were so loud and he's lying on his back and at this point I'm like I don't know what to do because I'm pretty annoyed

at this individual for multiple reasons at this point yeah snoring is snoring that's a tough one that's a dilemma that is a dilemma that you know like snoring it's like bro you're you're fucking that's loud I've I've there's been some snores it's it can be very annoying but normally it's like a two hour flight and you're like whatever a flight attendant should have the right to say to strangle him no excuse me sir you're lying on your fucking back and you're snoring I feel like a flight attendant should have that right that's actually because it's like it is like I'm not I'm not going to tell people they can't snore, but it's kind of disruptive, and it's like if someone who can control themselves isn't, I don't know.

Well, I can't sleep because your sleep is really loud. Your sleep involves you yelling and your demons are coming out of your nose. Yeah, I mean, I've had that situation with snorer, man, and I'm like, yo, what the fuck we're going to do about this guy? I put my headphones on, but then I couldn't really fall asleep. Yeah, then you can't turn sideways. You can't. You can't turn sideways.

It doesn't hit the same. If you have noise can't sing headphones, but you can't turn sideways. No. And I like to sleep on your back. And then you might end up snoring. You might become the problem that you were trying to heal. Yep.

I might become the problem. Yeah. Am I the problem? Am I the drama? There's so many of these. It's hard for me to pick. I think this is a modern one that I think deserves to be heard.

Hey, Hannah. Hey, Dez. My biggest airport pet pee. is now when you have to do self-check-in and they print that luggage tag and you have to put it on yourself like how can you expect me to evenly perfectly nicely put that luggage tag on like it's more satisfying when the airport lady attendant lady does it you know it's just it's a beautiful when they do it when i have to do it slop sticky these shirt gets stuck to it i don't know that's an airport pet peeve of mine anyways looking forward to

seeing Giggly Scott in Toronto. Bye. Okay, this is so niche, but so accurate. Great observation. First of all, you guys do this all the time. You're clearly going to be better at it than me. It's almost like when you buy an iPhone and they don't make you put the cover over it. Yeah, we talked about that the other day.

It's fucking, it's hot too. It's like ASMR. And she's totally right. And there's a whole method to it. And it's like, let's just, instead of having everyone like feel dumb. trying to do it themselves. Let's just get a process, okay? Yeah, like, I'm reading the fucking instructions.

I'm like, step one, peel back, step two. You know, and like, this observation was so astute. Like, I've never managed to get it as smooth as the, and they do it so fast. It kind of reminds me of, like, you ever see those videos of Domino's workers who can make the pizza boxes, like, 0.02 seconds a box, because they're so good at the technique of it.

it's like maybe we need someone who's just really fucking fast with that doing it for everyone's bag a specialist i'm not even good at getting them off you know when you show up with your previous board tags still on your bag and you have to take it all i'm not even going to take it all i'm terrible at putting it on oh my god i think i'm such a diva i walk in with so much shit on my bag and like they rip it off for me i'm like thank you yeah and then like half the time you end up like having to go to the to them anyway it's like why did you need me to tag this like How much time are we really saving by doing this? I'm not 100% sure.

So I am 100% with this person. And I really have a lot of anxiety because I always feel like I'm not going to stick it correctly. I do have to say my mom and I recently were flying international. So this is very fresh on my brain. And we're so excited the first time my mom's ever going to Paris. And we get there to the gate at Delta. We're so excited. We get to the front.

We're like, we're here. we've arrived and they're like you're at the wrong terminal oh my god that's a big word so i was like what and they're like your thing is air france but it's on the delta app and there's this little thing that says air france underneath like it's not clear it is not clear to anyone so i was like okay can we walk there and they're like no you have to take a shuttle to an air train and i was like perfect so we do that and then they they print us out something for like the last or something. Who knows? They print it out. So I throw away my other ticket. And then I get there and they're like, where's your ticket? And I was like, I throw it out because they gave me this

ticket. And they were like, that's a different ticket. So anyway, don't throw away any ticket ever. This is what happens when you don't travel with me, man. I know. I was a lost duckling. God, we have so many. Well, we'll play out. We'll play out a lot of this. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Dez. Hey, Chris. Love the pod. My biggest airport pet peeve would be slow walk I'm from Chicago, so O'Hare Airport. It's big, it's wide. We got room, but there's also just a lot of people. If you're looking at your phone and you are walking, pretend you are on a road.

Move over to the right. I don't want you and your family of five walking all next to each other blocking my way. Like, we're on a road here. walk with a mission and if you're not going to walk like with the group or like with the flow of traffic move

and if you have to stop move over don't just stop in the middle of the walkway I just it irritates me move that's how New Yorkers feel get out the way I feel like this

is therapeutic for people they're really getting out some stuff I have a final thought that she reminded me of. Oh, okay. The moving platform. Yeah, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the ground that just moves forward. Yes. Is not for you to stand on.

Amen. That's literally, if you're, if you have an old, if you're an old person, if you're struggling to walk, totally cool. People think it's not for you to stand on to go one mile per hour. It's to speed the walking process. Exactly. And if you are going to stand. stand to the fucking right and don't act like an asshole

when people are walking around you and it literally says stand and walk okay like one person can fuck up so many people's travel by not listening no you know what I had yesterday a flying fucking coming to Nashville right and family of three mother father and son but the son's like 19 right so he gets on to fucking travel they don't right

so he's stays on a travel later but decides to fucking continue to walk at their pace it's like bro the whole point of getting on this travel later is that we want to go faster than the people who decided not to get on it but somehow i had to now i'm fucking on the traveler later walking at the pace of people who are unassisted no no no no unacceptable that's it's one of my biggest peeves in general in life is the people who block up the trap i have no problem with you not walking on the travel lid but you got to fucking move over so i like they were calling a travel later. There's a travel leader in Europe where it's actually like goes down. It's flat. So everyone's

kind of holding their bag and it's a little scary because like your bag kind of wants to go but you have to hold it. And yesterday as we're going some like people when they got off they just like looked at their phone and weren't moving. So we almost had like a mosh pit moment where we all were getting stuck at the bottom like on top of each other like we got people got scared for a second. There needs to be more walking etiquette. She used the driving example, but I 100% agree. You know, this is not a casual stroll in the park. You know, these are people with places to go.

It's a little niche, but you know when you're skiing and you get off the, what's it called? The lift. The lift. And you just stand right in front of there. You're going to get hit. Yeah, it's chaos. You got to keep moving and move in. You can't just suddenly stop.

And that came up a lot. A lot of people were like, people who just suddenly stop. without warning. Yes. You know, somebody's going. You got to keep going or a bear's going to get you.

You got to, you got to veer off to the right. You got to go into the shoulder. You know, basically the edges of an airport terminal, that's the shoulder. That's the emergency vehicle section. I have something niche

and I don't know if this happens in the men's bathroom, but there's this thing in the woman's bathroom where obviously there's always more lines in the women's bathrooms because we pee and we got periods and all, whatever. So anyway, we're standing.

When you're waiting in line, and there's one door open and you go and you look and it's a murder scene it's like a disaster you're not going in there so you go back then the person behind you comes in and they go and they just like look at you and then like go around you as if you're not going

in that see that it's gross come back and like people don't trust they think you're just spacing out and not going in the open stall and then you have this awkward moment like yeah I know glad you got to triple check for all of us or yeah so people don't trust you in the bathroom line yeah but that's the same as like an elevator like oh about like clicking

the button yeah yeah yeah that's but it's like you get you know they're gonna go see the most disgusting thing they've seen all day and they could have prevented that if they just trusted you like they'll literally ask you they're like what's going over there i'm like it's bad and then they'll be like i'm gonna look and then they'll see like a severed head and they're like oh oh sorry about that oh oh that's it you guys we're going to add more but this was very fun we're throwing down a load there's too many good ones to have i think this will make everyone better at traveling and also just get some shit off your chest it's super healthy um get tickets if you're going to be in dublin and giggly squad we dropped

our tour tickets for the fall check that out and des where are you going to be at some stage we'll talk about whether it's appropriate or not to just dismiss somebody because they're a white man we'll talk about that you know that came in and there's like oh i you're funny for a white guy It's like, okay. All right, we'll discuss that at a future date. Okay. Can I just play this other one before we go? Yeah.

Because this happened twice. Okay, here we go. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Dads. Hannah, I think you're hilarious. I love what you do. I'm also a geekler. Dad's, I do think you're hilarious.

I was a little worried at first when Hannah rebranded to this podcast because I don't really like listening to like older white men. and talk and like their voices in my apartment normally irritate me but you're planning out to be funny so you're giving me hope for wait man anyway the main thing that really pisses me off in airports is just like new families traveling together like when it's like a group of family you can tell us like a mom and a dad on their kids and they're just like so anxious about traveling like one of the parents is like clutching their like passport it's like okay we have to go from here to here and blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah I just I just thought it was just so funny no you should take that as the biggest compliment the freedom that people have to be like August I don't like white men but it does her saying, I normally don't like a male voice in my apartment, is hysterical. And it's from past experiences. She's speaking from after doing a lot of research. That's why I put it down. Take it as the highest honor that in spite of who you are, people are enjoying you. And you know what?

You had to win all these girls over and you should be so proud of yourself because the girlies, they, you know, have high, high, high good taste. They have amazing taste. yeah so anyway just i'm in uh pittsburgh coming up and uh what are the oh yeah i added west niac i added a couple of like late ones west niac and stamford and uh so uh make sure to check that out irish people you need to go see hannah tuesday on tuesday on hannah show in in vicar street and all my dates are on on my website i've added a ton of dates and i'm about to add more vancouver and a couple of other spots so do you check that out and that's it thank you guys so much for calling in

safe travels talk to you later bye hey guys love your pod love giggly squad um just saw does in rosemont phenomenal he's so cute Hannah saw you in rosemont when you were there last too um my biggest airport pet peeve is when people are flossing their teeth twice the last time I was at the airport some guy was standing in line flossing his teeth and it's just stuff flying everywhere and then I go and sit down and I look to my left waiting aboard and someone has one of those little picks, those flossing picks. I'm like, is someone playing a joke on me right now? Gag. Oh, love you, bye. Definitely Disney, super aggressive families that are going on their big Disney adventure. they have all the t-shirts made like you know Thompson takes Disney 24 with the fucking ears on and

they're not even in Disney yet they're at Newark Airport they're getting a trillion snacks the kids are feral like biting people they're just not it's not great and that's my pet peeve. It's not security. It's not TSA. I'd actually rather have a TSA member punch me square in the face than deal with the wild Disney families. Hi Hannah. Hi Des. Big fan. I'm also a queer giggler over here. Okay. So the question is biggest airport pet peeve and I have two. One being if you get to the rollers at security and you have water in your water bottle, like come on, what are you doing now you have to go walk over to one of those dumping stations and you just look stupid or just really any liquid that is more than 3.4 like how did you not know is this your first day on earth

i just don't get it second would be also at security and someone in front of you has knee high tied boots and now everyone has to watch this person unlace their boots and take forever and then they're most likely barefoot and it's disgusting and then on the other side of security you set your bags down right in the way to lace those boots up come on where the slides to the airport my airport pet peeve would be when people are sleeping at the gates obviously sleeping on the plane is totally fine like honestly that's the move but when you're at the gate before you get on the plane, you're sleeping in those little chairs and you're like sprawled out, you're hogging too many chairs, I can't sit down because I don't want to sit next to the sleeping

person, so I have to stand. And then I'm anxious for you. What if you sleep through your flight? What if you snore or drool? I don't know, like that's causing me anxiety by you enjoying your slumber in public, not for me. um yeah and sorry if it sounds like really loud i'm in a car in torrential downpour just hiding at work okay thanks bye hi hannah hi des hi chris so i just got back from the airport last night and i could probably list off 100,000 pet peeves um from that one experience but probably the

biggest takeaway i learned is the lack of spatial awareness that people have I don't know if it's because they're in an airport and they lose all their brain cells. But why are people stopping right in the middle of the walkway? Whether you're walking out of your plane, whether you're right directly in the middle of the airport, people will stop with all their luggage, their carry-ons, right in the middle because they're looking for their terminal or looking for a place to eat. And it's like some of us actually know how to use our phones while we're walking or we know to stand off to the side to let other people. go on their merry way. So yeah, the lack of spatial awareness is crazy and I hope people learn. Thanks.