Berner Phone - Berner Phone #43: Invention Ideas

Episode Date: June 2, 2024

The dialers tell us their best invention ideas and we ranted about bad therapists, new dating app ideas, the science of sunscreen, and Hannah's favorite condiment.    Get free shipping for clothing at Quince.com/bern 15% off at citybeauty.com with code BERNER 15% off at LumeDeodorant.com with code BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? We are in Kilkenny, Ireland. That's right, right by beautiful Kilkenny Castle and beautiful Irish Day. Very rare occurrence. It's barely rained once the entire week I've been here, Des.

And I'm starting to think you're lying to me about this whole Dublin being rainy. The reality is you've just been very lucky and that's great. I'm very happy that you've been lucky with the Irish weather experience. But yeah, so Hannah leaves tomorrow, but I'm here for the weekend doing the cat laughs. Hannah is looking at the prompt. Hannah's looking after the prompts today and she's looking at them instead of paying attention, which it would have been edited out on a previous episode, but I once got a scolding because I wasn't paying attention.

to Hannah, but I was looking at which prompt to pick next. Babe, this is the record for Burner Phone. We've gone to fight before the first minute at 55 seconds. There has to be some kind of Guinness Book of World Records breakage. So, anyway, it's great to be. Anna, first of all, how did you feel? Your parents were here. We had a proper Irish trip.

What's your feeling? Well, I said this morning, I said, Desmond, it couldn't have been more smooth. And you were like, you jinxed us, you jinxed us. and then, you know, we were supposed to record this earlier, but I fell asleep. No, it was fine. We were going to record in the car. No, we had the best time. It's been crazy, but like, you know when you just need to go home? Like, I'm like, I need to just see my cat. But you had two full shows in Vickers Street. I mean, that's...

Two shows in Vickers Street, shout out, Dublin. You're an international performer now. I know, I have to change all my bios. Dublin. I have to change my bio. These aren't easy things to do. These are feats. These are feats. Okay.

Comedy feats. They're not that. much of a feat because everyone speaks English. No, listen, I, you don't, at this festival, coincidentally enough, you don't know how many American comics have come over here and not figured out the transition to like a non-American audience. So for you to have come over and just seamlessly, you know, the only the rare slip up of talking about something that people might not understand.

Well, we got to fight, but then you just give me a compliment, which is also a record. You've never given me a compliment in the first two minutes, 30 seconds. Burner phone. It's not a fight. It's a gentle ribbing. That's just a gentle ribbing. We're just having the crack. We're having the crack.

As they say in Ireland. Exactly. That was the first time I ever said it right. So what's the prompt? This is you. This was my idea. Someone messaged me something about like an invention idea that they thought of that was funny. And I was like, what are some invention ideas that you're like, how the hell hasn't this been invented?

But you're also like, I would never actually invent this. And I want to point out that some of these inventions are kind of funny. but some of them are like ingenious like some of them are actually like this needs to be invented like some of them are impossible like loads of people said like why can't we teleport

okay because that's not gonna that's not gonna be an easy feat but some of them were like actually that is a great idea so this is this episode is half comedy half shark tank I feel oh I love shark tank shout out Barbara Corcoran

my favorite interview ever on Burning in Hell throwback my queen my Taylor Swift I do think that there should be like a play where everyone can throw their ideas and then like inventors can pick it

and then just like give someone a percentage of it but like we make stuff happen. That may exist. That in itself is a good invention that may exist. That's my invention. Some of these I feel like might exist. We don't have Chris to Google for us. Or it's in the process of being created.

By the way, before we start, I'm in Pittsburgh next Saturday and West Niac, New York next Sunday. I just want to get that plug in early. I won't clog up any more time with plugs. But those plugs are imminent. I love when you plug, baby. Yes.

Plug it in. Okay, so I actually wanted to, I was looking at my phone earlier when we were talked about the rain because I was like, I feel like there was an umbrella one. There was. And I would like to open with an umbrella invention that someone brought in. Go for it. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Dez.

Love you guys both very much. Also, when are they going to invent the drone umbrella? hands free, not getting wet experience from point A to point B, I mean, that would be sick. Amen. A fucking man. I famously don't like umbrellas. I always lose it. I will go outside and be like if I don't bring an umbrella, maybe it'll just stop raining.

Like I just have to, it's mental. Like the rain will stop if I don't prepare for it, which is, it actually doesn't work. If anyone was wondering, it doesn't work. But I'll do anything not to bring an umbrella. I've never kept an umbrella more than three uses I have a three use max before it's lost

Or it breaks Or yeah Or it's like a cheap one Or you give it to someone I'm just not good Or you know Like more often than not It's you go to a restaurant

You know it's pissing rain You eat your food You completely forgot you had an umbrella It's not raining when you go outside So you don't even remember That you had an umbrella And it's gone for life By the way where are all these umbrellas

Like I would say Most people have a lot of lost 60% of their umbrellas, but like, where do they, where do they live? All the lost umbrellas. In lost umbrella land, obviously. There has to be one of the most forgotten items. Sunglasses, umbrellas. What are the most forgotten items?

Headphones. Yes. Hairbands. Oh, hairbands. Well, I have a lot of yours. Yeah. I find a lot of yours. And what were you going to say?

Well, I was going to say New York has this thing where when it rains, suddenly all these random people have these umbrellas. that they're selling on the corner. Yes. And I'm like, this was starting to feel like big umbrella business. But the drone umbrella is an amazing idea. Well,

because we, you know, we watch tennis and tennis, they put a whole, what do they call it, a roof. Yeah, some would say in the Midwest,

a rough over the tennis court. And then I was like, okay, well, do we, should Dublin just have a whole, like, circular globe?

That's the joke, is that Ireland would be great if they put a roof on it. That's literally a joke about our, So drone umbrella where you have like a sensor on you so it knows to follow the sensor you don't you don't have to control it like a drone It just follows because also umbrellas are fucking dangerous like when you're in New York City You're fighting for your life. There's you're getting stabbed. They're they're hitting each other like it feels like you're in a

War yeah no I was trying to think of a war and I couldn't think of a war Revolutionary War But the only problem is that when it rains if you have drone umbrellas like what's there has to be like drone umbrella etiquette like the drone needs to know if you're walking one direction you're a slightly higher you need like air traffic controller for umbrellas well that's the thing

it'll be like Tesla how like it's self driving umbrellas they know what to do they have they know they're connected they can switch off you know if you're crossing and then they take over yeah until we're ruled by the umbrellas and that's the movie all right let's the umbrella academy

the umbrella academy now this is super random, but I want to click on it. Hi, Hannah Andes. I'm Canadian. Let me preface that. And I don't know if it's just that our enemies are against us here in Canada or if this does not exist at all anywhere. But we need sour cream in a squeeze bottle. Sour cream is good on everything. And sometimes a dollop just doesn't cut it. So how come we can't squeeze it on things? It is the most superior condiment. Um, so if this exists somewhere else, someone let me know and then immediately call my realtor because I am moving wherever this exists. Thanks, huge fan.

Whatever political party she's in, I vote for her. Yeah. Well, you're a big sour cream person. I will have a freak out if I order Mexican and there's no sour cream. So is, is there a squeeze bottle? Because there's a squeeze bottle for Maine A's. I think they, you can find it. I think. but it's not like common. Yeah. But it's mostly, yeah, like a little yogurt cup. Yeah.

Is it because it goes bad quicker than like a mustard or a ketchup? Maybe that's it. Maybe there's some science behind it that I wouldn't understand. And do you ever get sour cream like in a packet, like a ketchup packet? Yeah. Yes, at Wendy's. They'll give it to you like that. Right.

Okay. But I do have to say with sour cream. Does it need to be refrigerated? Yes. Okay. My thing with sour cream is also, I've never been like, shoot, I wish I put less sour cream on this. Interesting.

So I personally don't have a problem with it, but I do think it would be fun for me to like put it over an enchilada with like a almost like a ketchup type pattern. Yeah, to make a little design. Yes. Yes. Yes. And then take a photo for Instagram and then filter it.

But I'm sure in some places they have like an icing thing where they can help with the design of the sour cream. I want a sour cream fro yo. situation. What? Where you, you, you can just like pull the thing down. You have some tacos and then you just go and you put sour cream. Like a Mr. Softy swirl of sour cream at the top. What's your favorite condiment? Oh my, man. You know I'm not a big condiment guy as you know. You're not into ketchup. No, I like ketchup on a burger. I don't like ketchup on my fries. Or eggs. I definitely don't like ketchup on my eggs. But I do like, uh, I like hot sauces. I was going to say

I like hot sauces. I like mayonnaise. uncertain things and if I'm in you know sometimes certain moods I just like stuff that some other days I don't like do you think it's unattractive that I can't handle spice no I'm fine with it each to their own I'm not gonna yuck your yum okay you know nor am I gonna judge your yuck I feel like we could do a whole episode which I don't think we need to do because it's too niche of just people submitting spice stories that ended up with like someone's penis burning Well, we've already had like at least 10 of those. That's like a recurring theme throughout the podcast.

I know. Hannah's on the messages here. I'm on the messages now. This is a funny one. Hey, Hannah and Dez, love the podcast. Hannah, I'm a giggler, and I have been a fan since Instagram lives. The thing that I think should be invented or maybe we'll call it a requirement and follow me on this because it might not be the most practical of things.

But I think it should be a requirement that all dating apps disclose people's credit score before they match people. And hear me out on this. I'm in the age where I'm closer to 40 than I am 30, and a lot of people I know I've gone through their first rounds of divorce, and they're re-entering the scene. And they have a hell of a lot more baggage and a hell of a lot more assets at stake than they did when they were 21 dicking around at a bar.

so I think if they had financial disclosures available this would really help the process along when people are dating I'm not in finance I'm just a girly out here that wants to make sure that their money doesn't get stolen interesting a woman in STEM yeah and at the end of the day this isn't really an invention it's a suggestion it's it's very easy to do because all the dating up has to do is say you got to add your FICO score it's funny dating in your 20s guys will put their heights dating in your 30s and 40s they start putting their credits going putting their assets um i mean of course this sounds cold and it is cold and it's impractical however these are things that you know these are things you need to know but the only thing that kind of sucks about that is that

like if you have a bad credit score no that's what i'm saying so the people you know they they fucked up one hospital bill and next thing you know you can't get out get a date you know when you listen to the radio sometimes like hey got a bad credit score we can get you a car loan sooner to be like, hey, you got a bad credit score? We can still get you late called bad credit dating.com. My comedy friend, Marybeth Barone, went viral because she said something like you have to get, when you're going to date with someone, you have to get a recommendation letter from their therapist to be like where they are emotionally.

Great idea. Great idea. But then you just end up paying off your therapist. You know, or like, that's like people that have like, oh, it's an emotional support dog. It's like, whatever. For some, you know, you just got a letter. That's like LinkedIn recommendations when you just text your friend. You're like, hey, did you write three sentences on LinkedIn about how I'm awesome?

Yeah, exactly. Nikki Glazer has a joke about how she wants to meet a guy whose mom is dead. So that would be a really funny. Nikki has that joke? Yeah. I've seen another comedian with that joke too, actually. She mentions it that just she wants to meet a guy whose mom is dead. It would be so much easier.

Yeah. So like a dating app where you go. Lucky you. Adoldorphin.com. Adult Orphan.com That's amazing Just stand outside churches And just like

Have a look at like Who's crying the most outside the hearse And be like that's my guy I do think though With dating apps Yeah we have the big ones That are very popular But I feel like

There should be more astrological ones More niche ones More niche ones More like what you order on Uber Eats That kind of stuff Like those kind of compatibility That's like funnier And easier to start conversation

Things that you all hate oh my god what a dating app so you're a single guy so you sign up for like uber eats dating where it's like you will you will be the delivery guy but the girl picks you plus the food so it's not just the food she actually picks you first then makes her order and then you have to go pick up the food but then you meet at the door Uber eats dating Uber dating I think that's a great campaign that's an invention that's an invention but it's a TV show it's not great I don't love the guy knowing where you live. No, that's...

Okay. Safety-wise, it's not great. Because, unfortunately, men cannot be trusted. Safety-wise, it's not great. It's like pick a bearer man to drop off your food. Let's do another that's kind of related. Hi, Hannah and Des. So what I have been saying lately that really needs to be invented is a speed dating, but for therapists.

Because it's so hard to know when you're going on like BetterHelp or whatever to know if you're going to like the therapist and then you go to the first session and you have to normally pay for it if it's not covered by insurance and then I feel like most of the time it takes a couple of tries to really find the right therapist for you so I want like a speed dating round where you go just talk to them for like five minutes about like nothing and then you'll see if you really vibe with them and then I feel like you know then you'll have a way better idea of if the therapy's going to work or not and all like new therapists can get new clients if they they're taking new patients.

So that's what I think. Love you guys. Bye. I think this is an incredible idea. People don't talk about how hard it is when you're like, okay, I want a therapist. You get on these calls and they'll be like, what's up? And then you have to trauma dump on like two or three therapists over the phone. And then they're always like, yeah, we'll help you with that.

But it's like it's on you. I mean, therapy's a funny one, man. Yeah. It's kind of regulated but not regulated enough. but it's also so difficult because you pick somebody you could be five or six sessions in before you realize this therapist is not good also you have this weird like personal connection

that you develop with them obviously you don't know about them but they know so much about you that you feel guilty almost to it's like a breakup if you want to get out of it because you've already been so vulnerable and oh you've probably cried in front of them so then you have to be like oh I don't work with you anymore or when you want to stop therapy they have this weird power to be like oh we don't think you're

ready to stop and it's like am i not ready or do you just have to pay more bills yeah it's it's a tough one really it is so i actually think this is a very good idea i think it could be easily achieved with just like you know a zoom's like a bunch of therapists say we're taking new clients we go in this like group zoom and everyone but but it's not like everyone in the squares it's just like the zoom naturally just shifts after two minutes i'm sure there's a way to set that up like i'm sure there's a program for that yeah like chat roulette therapist roulette I had a therapist once. This is kind of heavy, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I had a therapist once try to tell me that maybe I had suppressed a memory of sexual abuse as a child. Because I was like, no. And he called me six hours later to apologize and said that was like unprofessional and unacceptable. And I sincerely apologize. And he had said he had checked with his like, you know the way therapists are supposed to have like somebody they talk to like to check. They had checked and like he got like a severe reprimand. did you stay with him yeah I mean I did because of the

apology but maybe not that long after that but that was that was a lot like I was like what yeah also like was he like fascinated by that thing like he was trying to I really I don't remember much other than like I remember being like at the time like no

I didn't think it was particularly heavy though either I was just like no yeah you know and then but but I but I really I can remember exactly where I was driving when he called me I know I answered the phone when I was driving on the North Circle of Road in Dublin,

and I remember taking the call and being like, it's okay, it's fine. Yeah, I do think that therapy's been really normalized where people can now go to therapy, but because it's still new, we haven't really figured out how to actually, like, deal with having a therapist and all the nuances that go into that.

Like, I mean, look at Joanne McNally, the whole, like, ghost to my therapist. It's hard to, like, get out of it. No, no, my therapist ghosted me. Oh, my therapist ghosted me. Sorry. Her therapist was like, I cannot deal with this.

Actually, I don't know the beginning. I don't know where the origins of that are, but the concept of it. But you also don't, a lot of the time when you get to a point where you're like in a scary place emotionally and you're like, I need to get the therapist. I'm going through something. You're not always thinking clearly about like who's actually best for you. And then how do you even know what therapist is best for you? Like we don't have any of that kind of knowledge. You just go with your gut or like feeling.

No, it's so hard. I actually got two apologies from therapists in my life. What was the other one? The other one was a therapist, a different therapist, tried to suggest to me that my testicular cancer was probably caused by suppressed emotion that I hadn't dealt with. And I was like, okay. Like, you know, the key and peel sketch where, you know, he says something like, awkward. I was just like, oh, whatever.

It's funny that keeps saying suppressed emotions. I'm like, I feel like you're pretty open about your emotions. No, yeah. But that's just like, that's like a new age thing that like, you know, like not, like hiding certain things can like manifest itself. Yeah. And I'm sure some people are listening, it might think that's true. I mean, there's no science behind it. But actually, the apology especially was because it's like, yo, like I didn't cause my, you know what I mean?

It's like the cancer is your fault. Well, at some point, one thing they should not be doing is causing like new problems that you didn't even know you might have had. I didn't realize I needed to deal with my shit or I get to. cancer because I know people that suppress a lot more emotions than me they never had cancer bro yeah it's not to suppress the I do have to say though stress does affect your physical health 100% but that's a very different thing I don't know anything about the cancer um also one thing about dating I always talked about this with dating apps you know how moms are obsessed with like helping their sons or their daughters like find people like they'll be at the dentist and she's like

my daughter would love your son we have the same age what if you got a dating app just for moms to swipe on their children and talk to each other. I mean, I feel like that exists in China. That's so. And then you present it to the kid and be like, okay, these are your mom's matches for the month. You can choose which ones you like. Didn't Jared Freed do something like that where he let his mom swipe on his Tinder or

something? It's possible. That's hilarious. It's a great idea. It's actually a good TV show. I feel like, didn't we come up with an idea about parent dating.com or the parents watch the date. Didn't we come up on?

That's an actually old MTV show. Oh, that's what it was. The parents, it was actually fucked up this dating show. The parents would be like, we hate our daughter's boyfriend. He's such like a pothead. We don't like him. He sucks. And then you see some teenager with like tattoos and an earring.

And they go, so we're setting her up with three other dates. But they sit with the boyfriend to watch the daughter go on other days. Oh, my God. That is screwed up. It's like, there's this crazy tension. And it's kind of funny because the kid will say something. The dad will be like, that's how you're supposed to act

see how he pulled down her chair I hate this guy so like they're fighting on the couch and then the girl comes back and the guy's like did you have fun with him I mean they're all like 18 years old or maybe younger

and she's like no he wasn't like you and the dad's like it's just very it's very entertaining I fucking love that show bring that show back I think we need to bring that back or maybe like a less toxic version of that or a more toxic version

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that needs to be invented. The app that needs to be apt is Shazam for smells. Hear me out. You're walking along. You're just hit all of a sudden with this like insane garlic smell.

All up in your nostrils. You're like, I have to have that. Where is it? You start going crazy. Pull out your phone. Shazzo. Sam for smells. You know the dish. You know the restaurant. Like saving, craving satisfied. Another thing, you know, maybe you smell a fart. Who farted? Boom. Shazam for smells. You can't be out in these streets being accused of being the one, you know, who smelled it dealt it. That is a HIPAA violation. So calling all women in STEM. Let's get on this. Let's like give, let's, you know, let's have a little good in the world. Let's put a little bit of fun. back into our lives. Is this a top five message we've ever gotten? That was incredible.

Des was dying, laughing during it, if you guys in here. You know, when we're with Chris, we get our laughs live, but often with the way this is edited, the laughs aren't in it, but that was amazing. When she first said Shazam for smells, I thought she was going to be like, you ever walk down somewhere and smell something and you're like, what does that remind me of? Like, was that grandma's flowers when I was a kid? But no, she straight up was like, where's the food at? Yeah, because I was thinking immediately laughing.

I was like, oh yeah, Shazan for smell. Is that lavender or is that a daffodil? Yeah. But no, she was like food restaurant, like autumn. That is obviously, technologically, I guarantee you there's a way to sort of like say here or what that smell could be. But like obviously you would have to have a separate contraption. It wouldn't be an app. But like what an incredible idea.

The Shazam for Farts is choosing violence. Like that would end friendships. But I was dying. I thought that was so funny. Like who farted? You know? Because the one thing we have in this world. world is the mystery of no one will ever truly know who farted.

But you know, like with Ancestry.com and 23 and me, like, you're sending in your spit. Like, there's just more and more of our actual, like, DNA evidence out there. So, like, eventually I feel like there would be close enough to enough data to decipher if you could actually get, like, the, if you could get DNA from the actual wind of a fart, then you could basically, like, that's whoever's fart. Did you ever see that thing online where you can see people farting? It's like black and white. Oh, right, but is it real?

I think it's fake, no? It might be fake, but like that was entertaining to me as a farted girl. But Shazam for smells? I do think there should be an app where, you know, when you're like, I don't, well, no one ever knows what they're in the mood for to eat, but you kind of know something. So you take out the app and you're like, okay, I want like salty, like meat and this. And then they show you all the restaurants and the plates of food that is something you'd Like, because I feel like choosing something to eat every day is, is difficult for a lot of people.

It can be difficult. It's like, we just did this a couple hours ago and I need to figure it out again. So, yeah, I do think that's a great idea. Chazette for Smells, incredible invention. Top five message of all time. She really delivered. Especially because she started like a hear ye, hear you. Yeah, everyone in the town square was pumped up for that.

The town crier has come in the message. Speaking of women in STEM. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. First time caller here, but I couldn't help it because my friends and I were literally just having this conversation this weekend. So there needs to be an app where you can upload a burst of group photos and then choose the picture that everybody looks best in individually, and it morphs it together into one group photo that everyone looks good in. Because I swear to God, it's impossible to get a good picture where everyone's looking at the camera and everyone looks good. and there's nothing more frustrating than not being able to post one because your friend looks horrible. So if this already exists, please let me know.

Maybe I'm just slow, but if it doesn't, it really needs to. I know that you can obviously, if you're good at Photoshop, that's easy. And I know that there's some apps that kind of make that easy to like grab a head and put it on another picture. But not that easy. Not as easy as she's saying. Yeah, I do have to say, at first I thought that I feel jealous of Jenzies because they weren't, they never went to a party and everyone brought their little

digital camera and you took a bunch of photos and the next day you posted all the photos on Facebook. But then I feel like we're kind of lucky because you would see all these unedited photos of like the party and what everyone looked like where Gen Z's right now just see like the most edited photos of everyone always looking great where we would see insane photos on Facebook from parties. Yeah. Well, I have no photos from any of the parties, you know, until you know, social media can't like, yeah. From my adolescence to 25, I, If I have 10 photos, I have a lot. That's crazy.

Once I moved away from my mother, the picture taker is gone. It wasn't until, you know, cameras were ubiquitous that suddenly photos start popping up again. I also think there is some drama because there are some people who like to face tune their photos, which is fine. More than you think. But sometimes they will face tune just their face and no one else in the group. Is that fucked up?

That's a fucked up. That's a friendship meeting issue. Yeah, but what if when they face tuned their face, you don't like how they face tuned your face. Oh, well, this is the thing, you know? That's like, I didn't choose you as my plastic surgeon. Exactly. But you've chosen. Because back in the day, we had a lot of filters where some girls, like, loved how they looked with like a super tan filter or like a something filter.

But then when it went on you, you'd look insane. Yes. She looked good in the filter. You didn't. Yes. That's drama. I think, honestly, if you're face tuning everybody, then you just have to go. 26% general

general enhancement That's acceptable Yes You know what I mean That's basically like The lighting wasn't good So we're accepting That we're putting just like a gentle enhancement

But if you're getting into You can't You need consent Yes You need consent To like change the shape of somebody's nose For sure Or make their jaw bigger

For sure Or like make their lips redder or fuller You need consent So you think my lips are ugly You need consent Like, you think I have a big nose? I think it's a crime. I think it's a crime for sure if someone's altering your face when you didn't want them to.

Yeah, I mean, it's one thing to take a poster and put a mustache on it. But it's another thing to change somebody's lips and it's not a joke. So, yeah, I famously had a makeup artist facetune a photo of mine. And I send it to everyone. And by everyone, I mean, my mom and you and you both were like, she's the best makeup artist you ever had. And I was like, Paige is a face tuned, right? And Paige was like, yeah. And I'm like, okay, I'm not crazy.

And then we looked and the file was saved as a FaceTune file. Oh, yeah. Oh, by the way, life hack, okay? If you ever FaceTune something and you're like, say you're sharing it with somebody like a venue or something, make sure you change the file name before you say it. How do you change a file name? You upload it to your computer and change the file name in your computer. Oh, wow.

I don't know how I know that. I just heard. Yeah, he doesn't know it from personal experience. I have facetune some stuff in my life. Oh, this, I think you'll like. Okay, something that I think needs to be invented is a pill that you take that works as sunscreen. So that way you're not having to spray or rub in all the greasy stuff and your hands get all gross and oily and you can't open any doors. Taking a pill that is sunscreen for your body.

I don't know how that would work considering you would take it orally and sunscreen like goes externally on your body. But something like that. don't know who needs to do it. I don't know how they do it. I'm just a girl, not a scientist, but I need it to happen. It's a great suggestion. I want to take it anally. Hannah, you want a sunscreen suppository? Like, this is a great suggestion. If you could do it, you know? Well, because people are very serious nowadays, for sure. Like, every girl's, like, you have to put sunscreen if you don't want to look like a crocodile by the time you're 40. But then also in terms of skin cancer, da-da, or your suppressed emotions. But have you seen recently that they're

There's a little bit of science that suggests we might be overdoing it with the sunscreen in relation to vitamin D. Did you see that? Oh, like, we need more vitamin D? Yeah. So they're basically saying that, like, perhaps we've gone too far, but don't quite, I'm not saying, by the way, that this is confirmed science. I'm saying that this is now something that's being said. Because you could take a vitamin D pill. Yeah, but I'm just saying that I read something recently.

I know some influencers are like this, but they'll wake up in the morning and they're taking like 40 different pills and supplements. And like at some point, it's like, should we just, just. eat plus we have a lot of uh we have a lot of men that are uncomfortable with their sexuality and they're on the beach with their boys and it's very uncomfortable for them to have a man rub sun tan lotion on his back you guys love that shit you guys need to pill you love it you're like bro because you get my back bro i don't love it especially with my brothers which is like it's so odd it's just like awkward you know my thing there's been so many times that i like legitimately just fuck it up like once i just put a put it across my forehead and i just had like a line across

my forehead i was sitting at a graduation and my mom was like what's wrong with you and i'm like i put it on i have to say in my observation in our life together so far is you are a haphazard sun tan sunscreens sunscreen applicator like insanity just you're not thoughtful around it you don't have the patience you you don't have the patience for a full cover of sunscreen. And then I've asked you to do my back and I felt like you've done like a Zorro on my back with the spray.

I'm like, this is not full coverage. I do have to say there is a pill apparently that helps you sweat less. Really? I need that for my stand-up shows. You take a pill because I have sweating. This is the thing. I never knew I had a sweating problem until I realized that like other people don't show their armpit sweat every time they do everything.

No, I get every show I've ever done. I'm pumping. But it's funny too. Like even when I was shooting my special, they're like, oh yeah, you're sweats showing. And I was like, so what? I'm working. Oh, you're sweating. It's disgusting.

It's like, this is evidence that I'm putting in the effort, man. I'm running around being crazy. Yeah. I'm a high energy performer. I'm doing it for you, the audience. Okay, I want this one. Go for it. I think there should be some type of device that can record your dreams because I sometimes

and producing blockbuster movies in my head at night, but then I can't seem to remember it the next day. I just know it was great, and I would love to re-watch it. So, yeah. Yeah. Hi, I love you. We love you too. That's a great suggestion.

Adding on to that, I want my dreams analyzed. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, that's very easy to do. You can just hire a dream analyzer. But you have to remember your dream accurately. Yes. Well, niche film reference, but I feel like David Lynch turns his dreams into films. Yeah. But it would be interesting because, one, I would say half the time you'd be like, wow, it just seems so much more interesting in my dream.

For sure. But two, it would be great to find a way to remember them more. My first interview I did at the University of Wisconsin, like they were interviewing athletes and they were like, what's your biggest pet peeve? And I said, when people tell me their dreams. but it came off as me saying like would people tell me their aspirations and I was like that's not what I'm like when people tell me their big dreams

but I met like you know oh my God when people are like I had a gym last night and then like 10 minutes later you're like I don't fucking care and Kevin Hart was there and then all of a sudden Kevin Hart was like a pumpkin I do care if it's like my significant other or like my best friend and I'm in it

because then I'm like okay what are we feeling what are the vibes what's their subconscious but when a random person is like you're not going to believe this this is a roller coaster and there were horses and I'm just like I don't I don't want to be a part of this conversation I don't like your dreams um is there any science about as you get old you you remember your dreams less I don't know but I'm because I feel like I remember them less I still remember mine but my I also have very realistic dreams like I never dream of like

crazy things it's always like me at the coffee shop talking I one of my recurring dreams not always but like in my life has been I'm I'm in I'm driving the car, but somehow I'm in the back seat and I can't see, but I still have to control the car. Oh, God. That's one. I've had flying dreams throughout my life, which I love. I love the dreams where I'm able to fly.

Oh, I've never had that either. Many times had the dreams where suddenly I realize I'm naked. Do you have that? Not really. That's a common dream that people have. And then a recurring dream, which I've had in numerous forms, test taking, but also performance, is I'm suddenly about to take a test, or I'm suddenly about to do a show, and I realize I do not know the lines and I haven't rehearsed and I'm like why am I do I don't know the lines yeah I get

that with like a school play that I walk in and I didn't know that I was supposed to study but then I this is my like constant anxiety dream that I'm in the school and I cannot find the paper that tells me which class I'm supposed to be in yes and I'm just missing every class I've had that dream that I have that dream like every day I've had that every night and it's like it's like amazing how impossible it is log into like whisk.edu of Wisconsin and it's not loading and I'm like I need to can someone print out my schedule like I just can't get my schedule and I'm like I'm in the building where am I supposed to be and I've had sleep paralysis you know I've had a situation where I feel like I'm in a fight but I can't move my hands yeah I feel like I need to run and I can't run

or like you want to yell but you can't yell yes 100% I have that a lot and then I also occasionally have the my teeth are falling out oh I've had that absolutely I've had that yeah where you're like okay I just lost eight of my teeth teeth and that's not normal. Yes. And I have a lot of weird dreams where like Ireland and America are like mixed up. Yeah. And every now and then I have dreams that people that are gone are still in my dream.

But that's actually not as common as I would have thought. Well, sometimes that happens because they're saying hello to you. Wow. In your dream. Yeah. Do you ever have dreams in like your childhood bedroom? I've definitely had that. I've had like all mixed up stuff where like I'm an adult back in like a childhood situation.

I also, because I travel a lot. especially recently I've had these moments where I wake up and you know when you don't know where you are but you're like oh I'm not here I'm here I'll be like oh I'm in parks of Brooklyn where I grew oh no I'm not there I'm in shelter out no I'm not there I'm in Lurisat no I'm not there like I'll go through like eight places that I think I might be and then I'm like oh I'm in Missouri we both you started by saying that you went to Wisconsin and said you hate people telling you their dreams and I also hate when people tell me my dream but we just spent five minutes on this podcast talking about our

we've literally just got through all our dreams we're such a bunch of hypocrites I think it's relatable though I think people are reassured when they realize that they're having like

humans have certain types of dreams yes and there is a connection I'll Google it and they'll be like oh it means you're insecure about this or something sometimes I'm like that's right but sometimes it's like now

it's just anxious yeah just anxious stuff but also do you ever have a dream where you're like telling a joke or thinking through a joke and you wake up and you can never remember

what the joke is and for you think in your head it was the most genius joke that was ever said when you know it definitely didn't make sense that's why we need her that's why we need her invention yeah to be like how stupid was the joke that i thought was really good this one seems crazy hi hannah hi daz sorry my voice is stuffy i just had therapy but then i saw this prompt and i wanted to submit so hey the thing that used to be invented that i actually did a speech on in high school is a human charger. I love going to sleep. I love it so much. But there are times when I need to keep working on something or I want to watch the next episode of Rupal's Drag Race. So I need to be plugged into a human charger where I can still be awake but gain the energy. And that would be

my invention. Thanks. That was hilarious. areas, the therapy part. A non-chemical version, obviously. Yeah, but also, like, if humans didn't have to sleep, the amount of time, I'm almost scared of, like, what humanity would be. Yeah. Like, with that amount of time on our hands. But you can take, you know, stimulants, but I know what she means.

Yeah, I mean, like, right now, I'm exhausted, and we still have, like, stuff to do today. I would love to be charging right now. I would always be charging. Yeah. And who knows what science and pharmaceutical companies, I know big farmer are the great enemy of many but you know there's obviously been just as many benevolent positive uh inventions for humanity than there have been bad things created and i feel like it's not beyond the realm of possibility that we would figure out either some drugs chemical concoction that was a completely like non-toxic way

for the human body to perhaps get the equivalent of two-hour sleep in a pill or alternatively if we figure out over time a way to give some sort of benevolent electrical stimulation that provides the same sort of rejuvenation as a couple of hours of sleep there was a really stupid movie with bradley cooper do you remember oh yeah it was that infinite or something about how like you limitless limitless you only use a certain percent of your brain power and he took something where you use more and i just remember being like it seems like more money more problems like more brain power more problems like i'm okay i wish i was like you use my brain less every day because you know what the less you use your brain the happier you are it's some some that could be said

the less you know there was a quote recently that's like if you get to in your head you your brain will explode that wasn't the quote well in early recovery we talk a lot about your your mind being your enemy yes you know especially when you're a newly free from very toxic behavior your mind can be very trapped in old patterns yes so actually it's an untrustworthy companion yes i think it was there's an oscar wild or something like really nice quote about it that's great Oscar wild has all the great quotes he has a really good quote about like if you get you can get lost in your own head oh that's a fact and never come back i don't know i made that up i mean by Darren aronovsky movie pie great movie to watch in relation to that basically

getting out of your own head is sometimes the best thing you can do 100% it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It's part of the St. Francis Prayer. Wow, that's beautiful, babe. That's gorgeous. Okay, I have no idea what this one is, so I'm going to click it. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I love you guys. One thing that I think needs to be invented is an app that tells you the wait time for fast food, for coffee, any of those places, or like, more specifically, my local coffee place. Because if I'm leaving my house 30 minutes early, just in case the line is out the ass, and it's going to make me late for a while. work and then there's one car ahead of me, I'm going to be annoyed, okay? Like, I could have slept a little

bit longer. You wake up, like, a whole hour before just to get coffee before work. Like, I want to know how many cars deep is that line when I'm on my way or when I'm about to leave my house? How deep is it? How many are we talking? Obviously, you're still going to have to leave early regardless, but, like, sometimes you could leave 10 minutes early and you'd be fine. You know what I mean? Or, like, it's late and I really want Taco Bell, but is the line so fucking long that it's not even worth it at this point so um i just really think that that needs to be a thing okay let me bye she's a big drive-thru girl that is so relatable yeah loves a drive-thru big drive-thru girl taco bell's my main drive-thru because that's the one that you hit like

after midnight and it's open yeah but i you know that google has like a busy like it has like an assumption on oh yeah how busy things are and it does say like busier than normal or you know now I don't know how accurate it is, but it kind of exists. The problem is, how can you know if your Starbucks is 10, I feel like she's talking about drive-through Starbucks. Yeah. If your Starbucks is 10 minutes from your house, how can you know what's going to happen in the 10 minutes from when you leave to when you get there?

True, but that's why people do mobile orders. Yes. For Starbucks at least. Yes, but you have, yeah, you can't drive-thru. She clearly likes the drive-thru. She loves a drive-thru moment. She doesn't like getting out of the car. Which I respect 100%.

I've never been a big drive-through. Starbucks guy. I prefer to be in there. Well, we also, when you're in a city, you're definitely going to... Yeah, but even, like, out in places where there's a drive-through Starbucks, I'm not a fan of, like, waiting in line in my car. I'd rather park and go in. I do have to say, yelling your order late at night, like a disgusting order, there's something, there's some kind of, like, humiliation kink to that. Yes.

Like, 2 a.m. be, like... And I have five gorditas, extra sour cream, extra large. You're acting like it's for a full family And it's just you Yeah, it's just you, yeah Four forks, five forks, thank you. It might be a thing already, but Especially in a city like New York,

When you're about you want to go out, But you want to see like where people are like, oh, my friends are at this bar Like these people are at that bar, oh, this bar is like way too crowded type of thing Yes Because it sucks when you're like, have a great plan in your head and then you can't get in or well maybe every every establishment should just have like some sort of heat sensor or something so you can look on an app and be like oh too many people a fart sensor be like there's a lot of farts going on yeah you know but like i mean just

just in general i feel like technology exists already for some of this stuff what we learned is we need more drones some establishments wouldn't want you to know they wouldn't want to put people off true true i mean i'm kind of obsessed with how establishments will just like form fake lines do they well they'll keep those they'll let a line form when there's no one inside just to give it that like oh we have a line going on goodness because new york if other people don't want it no one else wants it i haven't waited on a line in a long time to get in that used to be a big part of my life when i was young yeah well as you get older you've no patience you're like i'm not fucking waiting in a line and like nightclubs are just not as much of a thing like nightclubs are just not as much of a thing which is i think is unfortunate, because they were awesome. I mean, it definitely is still a thing in some people's lives. Yeah, but like, there's just not as many. Yeah.

It used to be awesome. Like a place that was just a nightclub, not like a bar where people dance. Yeah. And it was a cover, I understand that's negative, but like you walk through the door. You were like, this place is about dancing and partying. And I love that. Yeah. I would feel like it's unfortunate if people in their 20s are not having that experience.

But I don't know if, I feel like they feel like they, they've gone out of fashion. It's possible. I mean, my parents tell me crazy stories about the 80s. That seemed lit. Yeah, just nightclubs.

But they didn't have TikTok. And Ticot's really lit. Yeah, and phones just kind of ruin it, you know? Because it's just like people filming, you know? Oh, God, yeah. Anyway, but we do, let's do one or two.

I do think there was a dating app too where like, if you pass someone on the street and you both have that app, like you can see who you pass to be like, hey, like, hi. Because like in that moment, you're not going to say anything. Yes.

Oh, that was like. Well, you know, that was the missed, the misconnections on on um what's from craigslist oh my god did you ever look that up you were on the seven train car three yeah we had a misconnections at um wisconsin like a facebook page really and they were like the guy wearing the badger hoodie and it's like so everyone so in uCC in college when i was in cork um there used to be they called it the fly wall it's a fly and cork is slang for like a good looking person and uh so there would be like any

info on you know Bob he's like second year business major you know and then people be like oh yeah he's great like he hangs out here so it's called the flywall interesting it was always positive no it was it was like people because there's no there's no social media yeah so you know it would be hard to like figure out who's who well right now in New York I think there's a Facebook page or some some online thing of like are we dating the same guy so when a girl starts oh that happens a lot on TikTok guy they post I think it starts on this thing and then it reaches TikTok. On TikTok, too, it's like I was on a plane.

If you're marrying this guy, he was on his way and it looks like he was talking about some girly fuck while he was on his bachelor party. Are you a Lucy in Tennessee? Have you not seen that? I've seen some of that stuff, but that's fucking wild. There's a lot of that on TikTok. I do know the football team. They had like a whiteboard.

And if they started talking to a girl, they would like just put her name on to see if she hooked up with any of the other football players. As I always say in Ireland, in Ireland, it's more like if you hook up with a grow, you need to check the DNA to make sure you're not related. Oh, it has to be fourth cousin or more, or it's a problem. Okay, this is super niche, but I feel like I'm going to like it. Something that needs to be invented is a Roomba device, but for walking your dog, so that they can go out more often, and you don't have to go and walk your dogs in the rain or cold or really

hot day out. So yeah, Roomba for dog walking. It's a great invention. I mean, the hardest thing about dogs is having to walk them, yeah, when it's raining out. Yeah, like a robot dog walker. I feel like that, that day is coming. Yeah. There will be a time in my lifetime where that exists. Yeah.

I really think so. Yeah. But they have to be, make sure that, like, for the variables that could happen, that if the dog, you know. Well, the, the rumba has to be strong enough to. Yes. Has to be weighted enough. Yes. That the dog can't take off.

And then if it rains, they could use their drone. Oh, yes. The drone goes on top of the, on top. Maybe it's just a waterproof robot. It's definitely an invention that perhaps one day might exist. Yeah. You know, a lot of the things from the Jetsons already exist. Like, two of the main things that don't exist yet from the Jetsons are mass-produced robots for housekeeping and flying to work.

Yeah. But almost everything else exists. That's so interesting. Pills turning into food. But we do have dehydrated food. Yeah. But we don't have, like, a pill becomes a dinner. Yeah.

Like, we have phones with video. Yeah. That was, you realize when I was a kid, that was like outlandish. Yeah. I mean, even today, like, the fact that in your rental car, it can sense if someone's sitting and it beeps if you're not connected. Like, that's really, like, a high-tech technology. Because if your seatbelt's not on, it starts beeping. But that's been around for like 20 years.

Yeah, but like, if they could fucking do that, they could get a fucking drone umbrella. Yeah. I mean, robots are coming. I wonder when one day will we ever have. casual air travel. But I do have to say, people have been taking on this AI thing very casually when we've all been warned about it. We have been warned.

By that Will Smith movie. We'll see. Do you want to do one more before we go? These are very good. These are so interesting. Okay, let me do one more. Do you want to be serious or silly? I'm going to say silly.

I would like to be able to type into apps, things that I don't want to see. For example, on Instagram, I would like to be able to type in Tom Sandoval so that I never have to see his face or read his name again. Or Donald Trump. I would like to just be able to type in words or names so that they never have to pop up in my feet again. Their faces, their names, or any sentences regarding them. So full circle, I think the way people bond is by things they don't like. And I want to do a dating app called like, nope. and it's like you write all the things you hate

and then it connects to you with other people with things they hate Great idea It's just off the meme the concept of like Nothing bonds to people over hating the same person Yes The same thing Great idea

Now I feel like I feel like there is some parts of Of Instagram for example That can help this to a degree If you see something You hold it down And it'll let you say Don't show me posts like this

Yes And that's saved my life Yes. And then also people might not know this, but you can actually put like key words that will that will block comments in your comments that like use this word. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, you know, if there's a word that makes you uncomfortable, you can put it in and won't show up in your like not a curse word. Like not a word that would naturally flag.

But like a topic you don't want to talk about. Or, you know, something that you don't like people mention. Or like if you post a particular thing and then they would be certain like very, you know, very toxic words around that subject. you can put those in and block. There should be a more nuanced thing to avoid the whole like when you date someone you obviously like know all their friends and stuff

and then you get out of that relationship and then Instagram and stuff will keep recommending like people they think you'll like because they're like how could you not follow this person? It's like yeah because that's like my ex's best friend. So like they recommend like every person that you don't want to follow

they always are recommending. So some kind of nuance to knowing that there's people you know but just don't want to follow and you don't have to keep reminding me yeah and i also i need ticot to know that like 50% of what i watch i'm watching because i want to know how horrible the people are like but it doesn't mean that i actually like watching that stuff yeah they have trouble deciphering if you're a fan or just observing or like yeah like this i'm concerned about this yeah but then like my my ticot album is so bad at the moment it just doesn't know me at all well the algorithms that's the hard thing too is they're always

fucking with it so like one day you're like this is great but sometimes with tictock you have to be conscious of if you accidentally watch a random video too long that will be your whole feed for like the next two weeks i am being i'm not even going to say what it is but i am being inundated now with video i don't watch them anymore but the algorithm hasn't adjusted like you could put not interested though i'm going to have to yeah you're going to have it's out of control you have to navigate it i don't get any comedy videos on my TikTok. That's so annoying.

That's so annoying. Oh, you're very upset about that. But I do, it is funny, we are in a world where what we're seeing is being purposely shown to us

and so make sure that you keep your brains open and your legs. Great inventions, guys. You really came. You guys crushed it. Thank you for listening to Burnerfell and Des with any other plugs.

Oh, I mean, like I'm just about to add a ton of shows. I just added Vancouver, by the way. Oh, cool. Love to sell that out fast. I feel like Vancouver's going to be a hot one. I also told my agent that we had to book Vancouver. So I need that to sell out.

Otherwise, he'll think that my radar is off. I'm just about to add comedy on state, Madison, Wisconsin. Go badgers. Go badgers. Also Milwaukee, which will be the same trip. And, oh, God, I added tons of Irish dates. I have so many more shows to add. but just Desbishop.net 4 slash tour dates.

Pay attention to my Instagram. I'm going to be adding a ton of shows. We love you guys. Thanks for calling in. Bye. Thank you. Bye.