Berner Phone - Berner Phone #50: Solving Your Dial-emmas

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

We're back with another unprofessional advice epsiode. Becasue it's so much more fun to help other people with their problems than trying to solve your own. The dialers are navigating wedding stress, awkward family situations, and dating dilemmas.  Get the best chips for 20% off at masachips.com with code BERN 20% off shapewear at honeylove.com/BERN  nurx.com/BERN for expert mental health help Get 25% off Daily Synbiotic at seed.com/bern with code 25BERN $5 off your skincare consultation at apostrophe.com/phone  15% off with code BERN at lumedeodorant.com  Upgrade your athletic wear at greatnesswins.com with code BERN for 25% off 

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motion we're in the car which is actually our favorite place to podcast we it's been such a hectic week that we we have to what's the word here this is like good time usage what's the term for that um multitask no but we you know we're like we're making the most of our time yes yes we're honestly we're actually not that good at time management we're not and uh it's been so there's been so much going on since you're special dropped uh between all the different bits of press you're doing at other podcasts. It's been me refreshing my phone. Giggly Squad.

This is the rare window. We're on our way to watch your parents in the Shelter Island Historical Society Musical. My parents are starring in a community play. They're kind of the shit, and we're going to support them. So we figured we'd use the one-hour journey from West Hampton to Shelter Island to record the podcast. Also, Quick Houski, Beavis.

If you guys haven't noticed, the pod's not coming out on Wednesdays anymore. It hasn't, Hannah, it hasn't been on Wednesdays since about the third week of the, since the switch to burn a phone. I think it's like a, it's a weekend pod. It's been a slow leak towards almost a week late. Honestly, I suggested recently that we leak so bad that we end up back on time. That we're actually early. Yeah, but. If you're so late, you can become early for the next day.

Yes, yes. Which is a life hack. Unfortunately, there was some admin reasons why we couldn't do that. But need to say, we don't need to get bogged down in timekeeping because everyone knows you're busy. But we will always be here because unless there's a divorce, there will be a pod. Even post-divorce, we could even pod. Why would one talk this way? Sorry, I didn't even, I didn't mean to bring up the D word.

Whoa. So we had a, we had a breakthrough moment. You know, you wonder how the Netflix special is going to affect the podcast. Obviously, we had a better chart position, but I think the more noticeable difference since the Netflix special is that we had our first, like, dirty, like unsolicited dirty dialer, essentially like the burnaphone version of a dick pick. What happened? Somebody, a man messaged in talking dirty to you, talking about, well, we won't get it. of details. Little did he know that it's my husband

that goes through the messaging. It was very graphic. You could tell this guy was like getting off. Ew. Yeah. How did that make you feel? I felt bad for the guy, to be honest with you. Why not bad for me?

Well, you didn't have to... Well, I played it to you for your entertainment. Yeah. But I felt bad that the guy thought this was a good idea. But it was quite funny. So anyway, you've got some dirty male fans now. Yeah, I did the stern. summer school show i i don't why do you immediately blame the stern audience i i think it came from your

netflix special i'm not blaming them i'm just saying i like go on it and you know i'm like you know it's okay i know it's a male dominated audience but you know like i support men in the arts like let's do this and the first one the guys like i love your your man on the street videos like i love how you interview and have you ever been spit roasted wow and then and you didn't even know what it was Everyone, you know, in the room gets kind of weird. And I have never heard that before. I don't know what it is. So I turned to the guy and I go, like a pig and the guy just looks at me.

And then I'm like, okay, well, I don't cook, so sorry. And then they were like, we're so sorry. And I was like, and it's why it's hard to be a woman in comedy. I made a joke and nobody laughed. I try to make a joke to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Anyway, sorry you had to be sexually harassed. Yeah, you know, so for any of the guys, we have a great mail dialer that'll come up later. But for the guys that message in, just be aware that I'm the one that goes through the messages.

So if you're going to, if you're going to leave dirty messages, leave them for me. At least get your audience right. Yeah, get the audience right. So that, yeah, that was funny. And by the way, the guy was wrong. The way that he described your vagina was very incorrect. He made huge assumptions about your vagina In the message

Yeah, it was very graphic Yeah So today is a dilemma episode I do feel like every couple weeks We just like to check in on you guys How are you doing? Do you need any You know, unprofessional advice on your lives From us

Always need to do the disclaimer Very unprofessional and probably the wrong thing I do think that we give pretty decent advice Yeah, and you know, I find that even, you know, it's like an A.A. meeting, you know, like, it's a bunch of people just with common problems. And in this situation, what bonds us together here as Burnaphone people is we're just, you know, getting through life. So we all have our life issues. You come off like a JV baseball coach. Like, you're, you're tough, but not too tough. But a little too tough than you should be, probably. You think so? I don't think so. I think that's just your tone when you give advice. I think you just struggle sometimes with my queen's accent when I give advice.

Should we get into it? Sure. Okay, first one up. Hey, Hannah, and Des. Just want to get this out of the way? Roll badge. Bucky is hot. I agree with you.

We'll be seeing you in Madison in October. Anyways, okay, something I need advice on is how do you say no to a therapist? Like, okay, there are some weeks where, like, I just don't need her. Like, I've dished out everything I need to say to my best friend, and there's, I feel great. I have said everything I need to say, and I just want to be like, hey, it feels like I'm breaking up with her every time I have to be like, hey, can we skip this week actually? Is it okay? Because, like, yeah, I don't know.

Therapists, I feel like they have, like, a very big, like, control over you saying no. and so I don't know to say fuck it and just spend the money okay anyways love you both bye this is such a good question and something I deal with

all the time there has been times your therapist doesn't listen to the pod right I don't know but speak honestly I'm speaking honestly she knows me and she's anonymous so it's not like you're speaking cool yeah the thing with therapist is

First of all, they're very difficult to find. And then once you find one that you vibe with, you tell them all your shit. So then at some point, if you're like, oh, you don't want to get a new therapist, because that means you have to, like, retell them all your trauma, which is, like, traumatizing. So you got your therapist. Then they kind of don't, you can't tell always if they just, like, want to keep making money or if you actually need to stay with them.

And it's true, like, every week is not going to be an epiphany, but they have like a process. But my thing is some weeks when I'm feeling good, I feel pressure to think of a problem to talk to her about to make it worth my money. And then next you know you're spiraling over something that you shouldn't even be spiraling about and you were fine before therapy.

Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes, you know, because I'm not a therapist, so I don't know what best practice is. But I feel like sometimes, if you're not going to cancel because you have nothing to say, I feel like sometimes therapists aren't proactive and like I guess they're told not to push but I feel like sometimes they need to just be

maybe just a touch more antagonistic in terms of maybe trying to unearth some stuff do you agree or disagree well I do think there have been sessions I go in where I'm like I'm fine and next thing you know I'm crying about my childhood and then I'm like is this a good thing or a bad thing um and for me I learned you can't just do therapy like I also have to be like playing tennis or going a yoga like I have a lot of physical things that help me better sometimes than just talking because for me unlike maybe some other careers my job is to talk about myself so sometimes therapy I'm like I literally did 400 podcasts this week talking about myself so but some people never get to talk about themselves or have a moment to like have attention for themselves and I think that's like

beautiful and important and I'm over here just like sick of myself well here's here's the pros and the cons. I feel like the fact that it feels like you're breaking up with them when you cancel an appointment is kind of a positive because largely it should be seen as a positive in your life. And even if you're not in the mood to do therapy, more often than not, it's going to be a positive. So it's kind of good that you feel like the obligation to do the class or to do the session. But on the flip side, I do think it is kind of weird that a lot of people feel like it's rude to stop using their therapist or there is this sense of a breakup when you actually stop it shouldn't feel like that well let me give you an example one side of therapist where I like messaged and I was like hey I think I'm good

would like to take a break and she was like um let's discuss this in the next session and I'm like okay wait a minute like another like whatever a couple hundred dollars later you're in you're like it's a money thing where you're she's basically saying like okay it was fine but like is it worth the money at this point of my life so then you're you're you're you're you're like it's a money thing you're you're on and then they'll talk you into like there's still some stuff to work on and you're like okay and then you start getting animosity towards them because you're like I don't think I really need this yes and then next thing you know you're like blocking them or like ghosting them and then they're like we need to talk about how you're ghosted me last week and and how you can't

deal with difficult conversations then you're like fuck I just got three more months of therapy tacked on well and the flip side of that is that you're way more fucked up than you think and they were right the whole time. That's the flip side. And I don't mean you. I just mean one. No, for sure me. For like two years later, I have a full panic attack because I've been suppressing every emotion.

And there's nothing worse than that session where you call them and they're like, I told you. The problem, though, is if you're having, like, stressed about your finances or you're stressed about time or you're stressed about both, then seeing, oh, fuck, I have a therapy appointment where I have to spend money and I can't do what I need to do because I have to talk to my therapist. Next, you know, you're like, do I need a therapist about my therapist? Yeah, and I mean, in the States where everything's so expensive, I think it's unfortunate that it's quite hard to get your therapy covered by your health insurance. But my thing with therapy is I think it should be in waves, because sometimes you need to, like, take a second to not always be held down to the therapist. The problem is it's hard to decipher with the therapist when that break is. And do they just want to make money off you?

they actually like you have some more stuff you have to talk about right now and i think sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes i just think they think that they're good for you you know what i mean like i think that they're confident that they can help you whether they're right or wrong is another thing but it's true sometimes you like have something going on your life you talk to your mom you talk to your best friend you talk to another friend and you're like well i feel good about it and then it's like oh i also have talked to therapist but this one's a very expensive advice to call but I will say that the one positive about the

therapist is that there's a sort of a professional disconnect and also an anonymity perhaps you can be more honest with your therapist than with your loved ones I have a funny story about anonymity I was with my

friend I'm not going to say when this happened but I got a text from my therapist and my friend goes how do you know so-and-so and I'm like my therapist and she goes she's my therapist too and then we immediately were like we have to compare notes

and I was like do we tell the therapist because like do you tell the therapist I didn't know you were having an affair with my friend and then it's like should we be able to like did I ever complain about my friend to the therapist well that was was fucked up in college

they gave us one sports psychologist so we all would talk about each other like our doubles partners and our coach who hired the therapist so that was fucked up but um I told you the funny story about the comedy seller and the therapy, right? No.

You don't know that? Oh, how everyone has the same therapist? I'm not going to name any names. But let's just say there's a certain scenario in comedy where you suddenly feel like somebody has gone sour on you and is not booking you as much. And so it's always like gets in a comedian's head like, oh dear, you know, why am I not as popular as I once was? and so a comedian I know again no names mentioned goes to his therapist that doesn't narrow it down because comedy's like 80% male and goes to his therapist who looks after a lot of the comics and starts complaining about said scenario and the therapist cuts them off and says yeah you're going to say this

and you're going through this and every comedian I've seen has been through this and it's not you it's just the way it is so get over it well that's why I do understand why like a lot of comics in New York City go to the same therapist because you start dealing with like weird specific shit comedy specific stuff i broke up with a therapist once because i was upset about an insa story drama and she was older and it wasn't her fault but she was like i have no fucking clue what you're talking about and had to explain what an insa story was which is actually kind of difficult to explain to someone who doesn't do social media yes for like 30 minutes explaining it and then the tagging and the nuances of like tagging me and what that meant and

the subtext and i was like okay we need to figure this out but i do think that's why sometimes a lot of famous people have like the same astrologers and psychics and therapists because they're dealing with like unique weird fame shit where comics but i do have to say at some point all the comics start getting competitive and they all just trying to be the funniest client of this comedian yeah but then you can just pay the therapist so we're like, hey, I need you to sabotage this person's mind because they're really getting ahead of me. But anyway, let's not get too bug down in comedy.

No. Inside baseball. Let's see what's next. Hey, Hannah and Des. I love your podcast. My current dilemma is that we're hosting a housewarming party at the end of the month or at the end of August. And we have one family member that moved across the country that we,

or this couple that we were so happy all just left. had a baby, moved across the country, we thought we never had to deal with them again. Of course, they're coming back home that weekend, and we just really don't want to invite them. We even considered canceling the housewarming party. So, yeah, I've had some advice from family, and I'm just still a little bit split on how to approach this and what to do. They are narcissists. We don't want them there. We definitely don't want their baby there.

all right thanks I love how she's like I have beef with the baby I love a family drama I was about to say does this is for you no but I think Irish people are good at dealing with family drama

well they could of creating it and then as a result have experience with dealing with it but I think okay well you you don't want to take this first okay I'll take it first but what was the funny joke we're obviously just kidding about Irish families, but we were, like, traveling and talking a lot of people in Ireland, and everyone

was talking about the family member that they don't speak to anymore. Yes, exactly. Like, but it's called boundaries, and cutting people off in certain cultures is normal. I mean, so you're saying it's okay to cut it off. Is that what you're saying? No, I was just, you know, planting a seed to see if you were going to garden it. Oh, well, my personal opinion is that if you don't like these people the way that you say, then why would you not use this opportunity to make it clear that you don't want them in your life?

Wow. So Des is saying this is actually a great opportunity to send a message. No, I understand, right? So she says she's getting like, I feel like she's getting like mixed signals from her family. So I'm assuming that some of the advice that she's getting is what's the big deal? They come to the party. You don't really have to talk to them. And then it doesn't create any like external drama.

Because the problem with family members is that when, you know, there'll be other people saying, oh, you know, she was saying this. And, you know, it creates, like, it creates, like, unnecessary tension. And some family members might just be saying, like, invite them because they don't want to get in trouble. But that's what I mean, yeah. You know, so then it's like, oh, you went, you know, they didn't invite me. But I think personally, all I can say is that there have been times where I have made some clean cuts. And I've never regretted them.

Because, you know, life is short, man. You know, and if it's this strong that you really don't want them there, this is my. This is my opinion, by the way. Again, non-professional opinion, there's just a time where your own enjoyment in the situation and your own enjoyment of everybody else is more important than people pleasing. Yeah. One thing I know for sure is you should not cancel a party. I think that you're creating a memory with people you love, like getting everyone together.

It's difficult sometimes. You should definitely capitalize on it. And I'm proud of you for throwing it. be that fun person in the family that can do some admin and get everyone together um i do think though it sounds like even if they're mad at you you're not going to have to deal with them a lot it's not like you're going to see them at the grocery store every day they don't live near you yeah i mean these family dynamics are so complicated so like even though i'm telling you not to do it if you do it i completely understand because it's like it's always the you're weighing the the sort of extra drama

that comes from not inviting them yeah versus the current drama yeah But the thing is that in the future you might have less drama of it because you've now made it clear. Yeah, that you don't fuck with them. You don't want these people in their life. Yeah. And it's different. I guess there's one thing if you're just like, oh, they're really annoying. I don't like them because then you could feel like just kind of mean-girling them by not inviting them.

But if you've had like personal shit with them, then it's like you do not have to have them in your home. And it doesn't even have to be a big deal. It's just like throw the party. And if they say something to you, there's. then call us again, and we'll have to give you advice on that. Let's face it. They're dead. They're dead. It's over. Let it go. They're gone from your life.

Snip, snip, snip. But I mean, come on, life's too short. No, it's true. And usually everyone's happy that you did it. You're basically doing what everybody wants to do at every family function. Yeah, you'll be a fucking hero to some people. You're the brave one. Our theme this last week was, what's the energy you're bringing to the function.

Yeah, exactly. And if they're bringing the bad energy to the function, don't bring them to the function. Yeah. And plus, everyone's going to be so happy that they can freely talk about them without having to, like, whisper or not get caught. I love how she's like, and definitely not the baby. Annoying kid.

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other routine health habits, like getting your daily walk or eating fruits and veggies. You have to stay consistent with your health. And taking seed in the morning motivates me to stay healthy throughout the day. Support your gut this summer with Seeds DSO1 daily symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash burn and use code 25 burn to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of seeds DSO1 daily symbiotic at seed.com slash burn BERN code 25 burn. Okay, what's next? Hi, Hanandez. I feel like my situation is a little bit of difficult, so I would love to get some advice. I have a guy best friend he's my best friend and we've known each other for eight years now and i think i have i may have some feelings for him but we are both single and we are not going to do anything about it the thing is

now we're talking to buy a property together as an investment we won't be living there but should i buy a house with my best friend who i have feelings for or should i just avoid the whole situation I don't know what to do I would love some advice Please Thank you So sounds like you're married And you don't know

That's what I was thinking It's like we're not going to do anything about it It's because yeah Because you guys already have And you don't even know You're fucking married This is literally marriage You just skip the honeymoon thing

Yeah exactly So you're together You're making investments And you're not fucking That's just You're married You're like One of you kind of likes each other

More and the other But you're stuck together That's marriage. And you don't know how to communicate? It's just marriage. Some days you're like, do I? Am I attracted to him? No.

I mean. Well, this is a thing. I feel like in a lot of guy-girl friendships, someone is always attracted to the other person. But I feel like most of the time it's the guy. Now, unless he's in the closet, I think he is probably attracted to you too or he's obsessed with your personality.

Which, like, out of vagina, it's pretty easy, I feel like. Yeah, it's hard to say because obviously the French, well, the friendship seems to be strong. Yeah. So I think the fear there is of ruining the friendship. But obviously, she's got some confusion about her feelings. I feel like. So the question, the question is really about is it a danger to do the investment? Because it's already a little complicated.

Yeah. For her. I feel, again, life is too short. and I'm also more of a... It depends on your values. I think I'm more of a romantic than care about money. I would tell him how you feel. Whoa!

That wasn't even part of the question. Before you make an investment. But then it's like if you start dating, still, do you make an investment with someone you're dating? Yeah. Now, I have to say, I've done a few, like, I've done a few, you know, investments with friends over the years. I thought you're going to do. I've done a few. Tell my best friends I love them.

No. Jesus. I've done a few investments with friends. Largely it's been okay because they're not going to live in it, you know? So, you know, a lot of times like rental property investments are not that stressful, unless, of course, the market tanks, but that's like any investment, you know? So I wouldn't be too concerned about that, except that obviously I know she's concerned because she thinks that that complicates further the fact that she's in a conversation. conflicted friendship. Yeah, yeah. And it's not a friend's with benefits. Yeah.

Speaking from my one experience of, like, a friend that turned into not a friend, in college there was, like, this guy who I, like, I really liked his personality, but I was, like, seeing other people. And he was, like, okay, I'm going to say it. He was short. But, like, he lived right next door to us. Our friend's groups hung out. and me and him just like were like magnets like we'd always end up being together just like joking

joking joking and then like one day I was like I want to see him tonight and then I was like oh my god is he the one for me like because I kind of like want to hang out with him or like I would over like other people and then I was like oh my god like I think I like him because I spend so much time with him and then I told him like I like him and he was like I like you too and we like immediately like started dating and immediately I was like no no no no no no yeah ruin the friendship that's her fear no but like um it ruined the friendship yes the friendship was ruined but also and I heard him which was not cool but also like maybe she might not even actually like him like the second we like started like being romantic and like kissing we like he realized you're

heightest. I was like this. Your heightism took over. I was like I can't do it. But I like really liked him as a person and I like spending time with him and I liked his attention. And a lot of guys you can, or girls, you can like, but that doesn't mean that you want to like be monogamous with them. So with that said, eight years is a long time. Do you actually have feelings for him? Are you just like, damn? Like he's the one guy I feel safe with. And I think, like, I just want this to work out. Well, the one thing I'll say on the investment part. I love how we both are talking about completely different parts of it.

No, but that's good. Does she give in broad advice? Yes. The one thing I'll say on the investment part is that I once owned an apartment with somebody who I was not married to, and it ended very badly in terms of the relationship part. but we kept cool calm heads and in the end many years later we sold that investment for quite a lot of profit for both of us so even with the complications that you speak of I would suggest that a rental property that you're not living in together yeah is is a lot less

complicated to invest together in than living together but I think she's also wondering if she does do it with him when does she tell him her feelings I understand that but But what I mean is Don't be too afraid of the investment. Yeah, that you basically have two dilemmas. You know, and I don't think the investment part is going to complicate the other dilemma. The other dilemma is just something you need to figure out regardless. I also think that because you've been friends for eight years, I agree with you, does, that regardless what happens between you two, you'll be able to handle that.

It's like friendships. Like, even if they slow down, it's like, I know this person. Like, I've known them for a long time. I trust them. even if you're having some awkward moments with them. Can I ask you one question, Hannah? Yes. If he's been friends with her for that long,

wouldn't you say there's a fair chance that he probably does have feelings for her? Oh, wow, I didn't know where you were going to take that. Because part of me is like, oh, if you're friends for that long and you haven't fucked, it's like, hello. There's something going on. Yeah. A guy, either he's gay or he's in love with her.

Yeah. We need to update. Let us know, babe. Let us know. Ooh, ghosting guilt. Let's check out this one. Oh, yes. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Huge fan of your pod. I might be asking this question because I'm like Hannah so young.

I'm 22, so it might be lack of experience. But I just like keep getting into these situations where I don't want to ghost guys because I think it's very rude. but when I don't like them I don't know what to say because it's like I just don't like your personality and I'm not going to like sit a guy down and be like hey we've been on like three four dates and like you suck like we have nothing in common how do you not realize it and my dad always says you need to be like direct with men because they don't pick up on like hints or advice so I don't know I've I've struggled to be direct and I think I'm in like 12 relationships and I don't even know So how do I word this?

How do I say, like, I hate your personality. I want nothing to do with you. Thanks for all the free food buy. Like, what do I do? I love this so much because when I was 22, I don't ever remember not wanting to be with a guy because of his personality. Like, I never considered a guy's personality ever. It was like late 20s that I was like, oh, like, he should be nice. Or like, he should be funny.

Like, I would literally, as long as he was good luck. I was like, this man's perfect. So you're already, like, ahead of the game. She needs a cock clerk. You know, she's running a lot of, she's running a lot of men. And it's hard for her to stay on top of it. Well, but it's not even staying on top of it. She's trying to cut ties in the most moral, like, good way.

My thing is I have rules. After one date, you don't have to break up with him. That's fucking exhausting. I think, honestly, even three or four dates, it's not really ghosting. Yeah, I don't think it's really ghosting. It's just slowly not responding. It's only ghosting if he gets back onto you and you just keep ignoring him. And if somebody gets back onto you and like, hey, what's going on?

You can just be like, hey, I'm not into it. You know? But if it's been two or three dates... I think the common thing is, hey, I think we're better off as friends. And then obviously you're not going to be friends. Yeah, I mean, like, it's just like if you feel that there's like a loose end, because I know the feeling that she has. Like, sometimes you just like, you can't deal with the awkwardness of just like stopping.

Yeah. Actually, what I would say now that I'm older and I'd never. did this when I was younger, but I wish I did is just be like, hey, I don't think the chemistry is there for me, but like you're an awesome guy and like I wish you the best heart. Yeah, but I also think that after two or three dates, like, if they're still, if they're still messaging you being like, hey, you know, like you want to meet up again, it's, it's okay to just be like, no, I'm not into it. Like literally, it doesn't even need like, what's the difference? You're not going to be in contact anymore anyway. Yeah. So just like let them know.

you're not into it what's wrong with being not into it yeah no I think and that's what I'm saying but I think instead of saying no I'm not into it which is kind of cunty it's really not well from I think a man says that shit but like for a girl we have to like Geneseecois and I think

it's she'd feel less bitchy just being like hey I don't see how much she's not there was she the best yeah but I do have to say yeah you don't want these dudes continually bothering you and then like you're feeling guilty like you're like like and then they're more confused and then you they fully think they're going to propose to you

and you're like how did I get here one time I had it I had like quite a successful first date with a girl that uh but she just broke up with a guy right very good first date and uh I you know I was into it so I was like hey let's meet up again and like originally she was like yeah yeah and then suddenly she went like cold for three or four days and then she was like let's meet up for lunch whatever and at lunch she sits down like face to face and it's like i just i just felt like i owed it to you to let you know that i'm actually going to give it another try with my boyfriend and i was like why did you i was like why are we meeting for lunch like you know you could have texted me no that's crazy i was like you know you know you could have texted me like

i i you know what it is i think she like probably liked you a little and was like yeah got a little one more like test not testing it but kind of like she liked the attention a little so yeah i just found it so funny because i was like that's crazy because i she's 100 to call people crazy no but a hundred percent right i wanted to meet up again uh but like the fact that she like she literally set me down for like a breakup i was like yo this is our second date oh yeah like and it's not even a date my favorite do you want to know what happened what happened i left i didn't stay for the lunch well I was just like, why do we meet up?

And she was like, well, I just felt like I owed you a face-to-face. I was like, no, I'm good. You continue to be on a date with the girl with a boyfriend? That's weird. No, one of my most fucked up ones was I was, I started talking to this guy, and he was, like, living with his parents and whatever. But he was hot, so I didn't care. And like, long story short, I wasn't really that into it. And we hooked up a couple times.

And over the holidays, I was like with my family, and he calls me to tell me that, like, he doesn't want to be, um, when we probably shouldn't do this anymore and he does or something. And I cried. What? Because I was like, why is he breaking up with me when I wasn't even with him? Like, it just felt like a breakup even though I didn't like him. But I was like, why are you called? Like, I'm talking to other guys right now. Like, why are you breaking up with me?

Well, you shouldn't have cried. That's definitely, you're giving the wrong message there. No, he didn't see me cry. It was after, because I was just, like, with my parents, I was single already, and then I just got broken up with a guy who I didn't like, and I just was like, how low can you go? I just felt like so, it was so, it was like rejection from someone who you rejected. Like, I wanted to be like, I don't want to date you.

But, no, no, I'm fired, no, I quit. I quit. That's literally what happened. That's literally what happened. I just say that society needs, we need like a code of ethics around ghosting and dating in terms of communication because there's so much confusion. Yeah. And a lot of people get hurt on expectations of like how many times you meet up before you, you deserve a better explanation. Yeah.

You know, also the thing with dating, I was thinking about it, like as women, like, look, you have to meet so many men who are strangers throughout a given week. Like, not only is it dangerous, it's also annoying, it sucks, and it's hard for men to meeting strangers who were women as well. Like, the whole process of dating is just, like, emotionally exhausting. And I had so many dates, and you've probably had them, too, where you get there, and within three seconds, you're like, fuck. Oh, well, that, yeah, that's a whole other hand of worms. And then you're wasting an hour and a half, and then you're, like, trying to split the bill, they won't. And they're going to like, and I have to go with this guy is going to be mad at me. And it's just, like, such a waste, dating can be.

be so emotionally and physically taxing. But let's also say that the type of ghosting she's talking about is what I consider like benevolent ghosting or just, it's the ghosting where you just feel awkward about the communication. Yeah. Versus the ghosting of

Leaving your family. No, Love Bomb Larry got you into bed with his charm. And the minute he got what he wanted, he's ghosting you. And that's like toxic ghosting. Whereas the ghosting you're talking about is You just kind of, you just don't know how to sort of put the punctuation mark on the end of whatever casual rendezvous you were having with somebody.

But I do think at 22, the fact you're even aware of this, like, you're going to start setting more boundaries and you have less guys blowing up your phone. Cleanse, sage your phone, okay? It'll make you feel better. Hey, Hannah and Deez. Okay, the thing I need advice about is my mom is going away for a week. And the pet sitter that she had originally got fell through. So she asked me to help take care of her dogs. But she didn't offer to pay me.

It kind of seems like she just wants me to do it. And it's for a week. Okay. So my question is, how do I tell her that I'll do it if she pays me? Or am I just being an asshole and should I just suck it up and help? my mom but it's a week dog's two dogs like you know it's a big ask

so let me know what you think oh what a what a dilemma what a dilemma i love that one there's definitely context that we need to decipher what do you think well there's a lot of family dynamic going on there because obviously the mother's going to be like pay you

I'll put you right back in my pussy yeah like what about all you know you're talking about babysitting my dog I had to look after you for 18 years Why are you paying you back for college, whatever. But, you know, that aside, it's just hard to say, right? Because on one level, all I'm going to say is that whatever about the wanting money and like, it's not fair to go back and be like, well, I raised you because you didn't ask to be born.

But then on the flip side, there will be a time when you have children. If you have children, there will be a time where you will need your mom to help. So I wouldn't start I wouldn't start putting monetary value on family assistance projects because they will always be give and take so I think it's better to just notch it in the favor column than look for money

but I do think that you should make sure that she looks after any costs associated with looking after the dog Yeah because you don't want to start having like animosity for your mom and then next you know you have these like you start fights for no reason because you're just like annoyed at her Yes. And it definitely just, like, I know some families that, like, yeah, the parents will throw cash at their kids all the time.

Then I know some families where it's like 18, you're done. You don't get anything. And then it's like, how old does she? Like, does she not have a job right now? Or does she have a job that she's not making a lot of money at? And it's kind of like, she's missing her bartending gigs. Yeah. And also, I just don't, you know, I don't know if the mother has a history of taking advantage.

Yeah. So a little bit of lack of context. So with that lack of context, I would suggest just doing the favor. Remember, the favor has gotten done and just make sure that you're not left out of pocket for doing the favor. But she also doesn't want to become a thing where it's like, hey, can you watch a dog this week and that week? You could always, and I don't know your guy's dynamic. You could always just be like, ask her, like, can you pay me? And if she says no, that's fine.

And if she says, yes, you made some money. yeah you could get that out of your head and then if she gets mad at you for asking be like oops i'm so sorry i'm in the wrong i was in the wrong yeah i mean it's not the end of the world you know yeah it's not the end of the world it's not that serious um and just keep open communication but i i love all that stuff you know i had a fucking real intense one with my mom years ago which led to like a long period of animosity which was my with the house in west hampton my mother had this There was a lot of like financial guilt associated with that house.

And so when I was writing the book about my father, I wanted to write it out in West Hampton. My mother was guilt-tripping me because she was going to rent it. So I rented our house. I paid the money so that I couldn't get guilt-tripped. But unfortunately, she guilt-tripped me anyway and told me she could have got more. But anyway, what are you going to do? Oh, God.

Well, it is interesting. You got a lot of stuff about family. A lot of family. It reminds me, like, when you see people and their friends and what they're doing with their life and their career, sometimes you forget that they have, like, family dynamics that's simmering underneath. I've been playing a lot of tennis, and it's been hard to find a really good tennis dress, and then I discovered greatness wins.

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about your skin. Thank you, apostrophe, for sponsoring this episode. There's one that's from a guy that I want to read out, only because he kind of calls out the men, and I think it's very funny, but I... Content to pay the bills. Yes. Yo, what's good guys? First off, shout out to Des the dude and Hannah Banana. Y'all are like my homies in my head. I've been here since the little devil days, and shout out to all the little dialer dudes,

as I call them. For the men who aren't evolved enough to admit fandom and love for Hannah, because, you know, God forbid, a woman is funny, right? Pugh, y'all are sick. Okay, so my current dilemma I pontificated about is, am I wrong for now being 32 and realizing I'm okay with a job that just pays the bills and finding emotional fulfillment elsewhere? I'm okay with it, but no one else seems to be.

and I love y'all thoughts. Thank you so much for your continued content and your chemistry, and we love y'all. Have a good day. Wait, I'm in love with this guy. Can we, you know, I'd like to give a sense of time and place. Yes. We are on the Shelter Island Ferry, just to give, if anybody...

Was wondering where we were at in our journey. Yeah, you know, just to visualize this journey. We started... We started in West Hampton, this conversation. We're talking to a male little devil, dialer who honestly emotionally sounds so fucking intelligent if you're single can i please um tell the gigglers all about you um can i just say that i really like this dilemma because if you are content with a job that pays the bills because you're you're getting so much out of the

the the full aspect of your life there's absolutely nothing wrong with that yeah well someone who actually isn't that wise once told me a quote which i think is pretty legit which is some people work so they can live and then some people live to work so it's like finding what is your thing like if you love working and you're obsessed with it and that's your purpose cool but like a lot of people they want to make enough money so they can live their life yes and you know sometimes ambition can be a curse and i'm not saying that you don't have ambition because you know your ambition just doesn't lie in wealth you know your ambition lies in life experience and i i think that's just as full of a life so i i don't know why they should i i can understand why you might have shame around feeling

unmotivated around work that you're happy to just get the job that gets you through the week financially i can understand where that comes from but i definitely think that you should not have it it is funny because i've been doing a lot of interviews this week people asking about like getting Netflix special and stuff and I try to explain like I'm a workaholic like I'm crazy I have all these things I want to prove I'm like I'm trying to get revenge on shit like I have so many crazy reasons why I tried this and I'm envious of people who can just wake up and be content just existing you know Hannah's never going to be satisfied like this guy sounds fucking peaceful yeah I know sometimes though with men you can feel pressure like financially to like attract more women yes to be able to have

like more money and that could be annoying too but it's also find yourself a sugar mama or find yourself someone who also has the same values as you yeah so uh long story short you be you and don't don't be ashamed of it i also think although you know just be careful if it's just because you smoke a lot of weed true true that's the other i do nothing wrong with that either but you know sometimes just smoking weed can uh you know it can take the ambition levels down to touch yeah or it's also like double check if you're depressed, but it doesn't sound like you're depressed. Oh, he sounds really happy. He sounds really happy.

Yeah, sorry, go ahead. No, you go. I actually... No, I was just going to say, like, if you're 100% confident in your contentment, then there's no reason to question it. No. So you have our support. I think that's great. Honestly, I love being around people who can just enjoy life without trying to

create insane goals for themselves to try to feel the love that they didn't have as a child. And thanks for calling out the male burnaphone listeners because we do like a male voice

every now and then the dialer dudes what does he call him dialer dudes yeah no dialerudes I'm obsessed with him he sounds like New Yorker yeah I like his vibes

we like your vibes you should keep sending in okay here we go hey Des and Hannah my name's Bethany I am a 41 year old fully formed woman I'm divorced I have two

awesome kids and I'm highly self-aware I'm an executive coach. I know all about how to have good relationships and healthy practices. I'm emotionally intelligent. I'm tracking. I've done a lot of work on myself and I am like a fully fledged human being and I cannot find men who can meet me in this area. Everyone on the dating apps, most of them are cheating on their girlfriends or wives or they have a personality disorder or they're in a complete state of overwhelm or they're a fuckboy. Where can I find, much like your husband, a fully formed, emotionally intelligent man who's actually available for a monogamous

committed relationship. I don't know where to find these people. Modern dating is a hellscape. Please help. Wow. Wow. Well, first of all, let's not, let's not, let's not compliment Des, like that. Two, there's something about dating in your 40s. I'm a disaster, just for the record. Something about dating in your 40s that I feel like you're too away. where like when you're young and dumb it's easy to fall for people but she's like so smart that she's immediately like red flag

I see that I see that and you get to the point where it's like yeah it you have bound you have boundaries and you have expectations and you have yeah it's hard it is going to be harder because you know who you are got to play golf

what you need to do is you need to join a golf club and meet a divorced guy who's gone through all his crap and is now looking to settle down with somebody for a round two with all the mistakes made. Yeah. You need to find a guy that's made his mistakes.

I do, and is pre-trained. Yeah, so don't do it on the apps. Yeah, I think the apps are not for you because the apps are more of a crapshoot and especially like that you don't need that stuff. I think it's going back to what we tell everyone, which is like, do what you enjoy, as in start enjoying golf.

Or pick anything that you enjoy naturally to try to get in some friend groups. Pickle ball for dick and balls. Is that what they say? That's the new slogan. Did you just make that up? No, he's made it up. Come on.

We're on the ferry, man. We're on the ferry, we're feeling fun. We're feeling frisky. We're cruising across the bay. I do have to say, to make you feel less alone that girls in their 20s also hate the apps. And I think that, yeah, you don't want to be dealing with these. Actually, my friend who was literally in her 20s was talking to a guy and found out he's married from a dating app. Like, it's sketchy out there.

So try to find yourself in some sort of. circles of you know people who are like-minded like the same shit and also manifest that shit put put it out there i'm looking for someone i'm looking for someone i love when someone is i mean it sucks when they're like i got someone for you and then like a mole rat comes out of the woods but like every now and then like someone will be like oh by the way so-and-so just got divorced and like you guys i think you might hit it off so speak it into existence and and don't spend too much time of the dating app spend time doing things you enjoy that are social is what I would say.

Yeah, I would say that too. Because, you know, if you're very specific on what you look at, you know what you're about, it's too frustrating to be on the apps, you know? Plus, you start to, it's almost like you go on tilt, like in poker. Like you get, you start to just like, your patience levels get so low that actually it's pointless because you're never going to just accept somebody. Yep. I can't concentrate because Hannah's looking for something.

I lost my phone. Oh, I found it. I literally was like, we can't get to you that episode. I was trying to make the point. I was like, oh, got it. Oh, oh, thanks. By the way, we just had a crazy driving situation there. What if you just snapped?

That was last week's episode. This guy just stops in the middle of the world and then puts his hand out. Like, go ahead. It's like, oh, thanks. Should we end with a wedding stress one? Oh, yeah. Hi, Anna and there's. I love the podcast.

My current conundrum is I am getting married in. six weeks and the wedding planning is driving me insane. I have become to hate like all of my family members, all of my friends, not really my friends, mostly my family. And it's just too much admin and I can't handle it. And I feel like I'm just overwhelmed constantly and it sucks. And I'm just resenting the whole day and it's just rubbish and I would recommend eloping to anyone after all of this. Also, Hannah, I'm not from Liverpool before you say that my accent's from Liverpool. Please don't say that. I actually feel like that was such a huge compliment of her thinking that I could even try to specify the British accent, but she's from South Africa. I think she's

Scottish I know why did you get she literally But I could be wrong too I hope we don't give advice We're just trying to figure out where they're from Oh her action is tough like Because there was at the beginning of her speaking I thought oh she from the north of Ireland But actually then I was like I think she's Scottish

But also we've probably like made her annoyed now Because she specifically said like Don't guess Liverpool She's like these fucking American idiots I'm not listening to their advice I do have to say I highly recommend eloping I think the concept

of your wedding people put so much pressure on it and you're putting so much pressure on it has to be the most perfect day everyone's going to judge it when it literally goes by in four hours you get a couple photos and it's done you're like holy shit was that worth like thousands and thousands of dollars and stress and like gray hair and years off your life yeah no our wedding was pretty chill i mean you did a lot more the admin and we got very lucky with an incredible uh wedding planner Yeah, Amanda Savory, incredible wedding planner. What happened is I kind of told her the vibes, and then I was like, let go and let God and just let her do it.

Yeah, but even some of the stuff that, like, everybody was like, it's essential. We've never looked at the video. And I'm not saying you shouldn't get a video, but I'm just saying that, like, everyone's, there's so much stuff about weddings that people say, you have to do this. And you actually don't have to do anything. Because let's be honest, so much of getting married is so old school

when, like, women had dowries, and we were like basically going. from our dad to a husband. So, like, do what's right for you. Go with your gut. I mean, it's too late because you get married, like, next week, right? But, yeah, but I'm just saying if there's any things that are causing real chaos, it's like, just go with your gut, do you. Everyone's going to be fine.

And the second it's done, some people are like, oh, my God, you're going to be so depressed because it's over. No, you feel amazing. You're like, we survived it. Everyone had a good time. And. And try to just, if you can, just this next week, just, like, really get a mantra going that actually this is just a party for everybody to have fun.

It's a special day for you, too, to, like, profess your love. It does make a difference, you know. And the only time that many people are going to get together for you again is when you die. That's your way to fucking, way to raise the mood. Hannah, I must be rubbing off on you. I feel like that was a very dead comment. That was. To bring death into it.

But listen, all that people remember is, was the party fun. Okay. So focus on just having fun at the party. Don't let everybody's nonsense get in your head. No one gives a fuck what color napkins you use if they were flowers. Everyone's blackout. Make sure there's food. Everyone at our wedding had a good time because we just focused on having a good time.

You guys, we just arrived at my parents to go to the community play. My dad is trying to get us to park differently. He's stressing out about the parking. Because he's going to worry about being late for the show. The show must go on. Now he's showing his muscles. He feels good because he does push-ups in the musical. Anyway.

You guys, thank you so much for listening to Burner Phone. We're obsessed with you. Thank you for watching. Oh, hey, actually, hey, I got to, just a last bit of it. We had a dialer in. It's a dilemma episode. Oh. Should they invite it?

Yes. I have no idea what you're talking about. He goes yes. That was what I leaned towards. We just asked you if they should murder their family and you said yes. No, no. I was only joking around. Do you have anything you want to say to the little dialers?

It's burner phone. Yep. Thank you for listening. Why did your voice get so high pitch? You tell them to see Des in Rochester next weekend? See Des in Rochester next weekend. What's the name of the venue? What is it called? Comedy at the Carlson.

Comedy at the Carlson. Guaranteed good times. Bringing joy. This is his first ever podcast. If you have a chance, maybe you want to go see the Shelter Island Historical Society musical last show tomorrow night. Yes. Community theater, baby. Community theater. Come watch.

Oscar Worthy. Thank you, Dad. That's Dan Burner on the mic. Yeah. Dan Burner reporting live from Shelter Island, New York. We'll talk to you guys later. Bye.