Berner Phone - Berner Phone #51: Minor Disasters

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

The dialers are sharing the minor things that feel like a complete disaster. From incorrect food orders to stubbing your toe - days are being ruined nationwide. Luxury essentials at quince.com/bern for free shipping and returns Cut down on your wireless bill at mintmobile.com/berner Get ready to eat meals with 50% off at factormeals.com/bern50 with code bern50 10% premium cookware at hexclad.com/BERN  Get premium hydration for 20% at liquidiv.com with code BERN First skincare visit for $5 at apostrophe.com/phone with code phone  

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello. Hello? Oh, I thought we were still testing. Knock knock. The gap after hello, I was like,

I thought we were testing the volume But we're not, we're live On burner phone The lines are open And we gotta have a fun one I wish we could do the lines are open I wish we had the know-how To go live

Maybe we will Yeah but you know what you need You need somebody to vet the calls True You know true I mean You never know what's gonna come in Yeah so anyway

We have a pretty like Quality over quantity I feel like people sending stuff in it's a lot of really great stuff especially this week honestly it's it's not quality over quantity it's quality with quantity yes that's what i meant we get a lot honestly i'm not a woman in stem so we with this one especially we got a lot in fact this was one of those ones where as i was going through them they were like coming in like every three minutes wow also i don't i don't want to i want to put credit where credit is due this was your idea this one the idea of

you know something small that feels like the end of the world at the time but i can't remember what the one was but i was like oh this would be a good prompt because there's like a lot of them so yeah the concept is what is something little that happens to you that makes you feel like it's the worst day of your fucking life that you want to just break a window like a few minutes like the world is going to end the world is going to end it's like what's the point and there was some great ones that came through. I do have to say, though, what I realized is with my type of anxiety is sometimes something little will happen and my anxiety will just latch on to it. Like, so I don't have to think of like the real problems going on in my life. I'm like, if I could only, you know, get a sock

that was more comfortable, everything would be solved and then I'll just obsess about like my sock being uncomfortable. Oh, but I mean, come on. That's a real problem. When you put on like a heel, You know, low socks and it keeps slipping under your heel? Oh, no. Come on. No. I can't focus for the whole day. If I'm stuck with a sock that's slipping.

Yeah. I can't stand. I mean, not to get into ADHD stuff, but yeah, if I have something scratchy on my shirt, it's game over. Oh, I can't deal with it. It's game over. Or have you ever had a situation where you've got new shoes that are like to be worn without socks?

And you say to yourself before you go out, like, I shouldn't wear these because they're not broken in and I'm probably going to. to get a blister but then you're like ah i'm not going to be doing that much walking and then within minutes you're getting a blister and you're like what the fuck is the matter with you you knew you were going to get a blister that's just called wearing heels every time you guys have to deal with that all the time but it's funny because when you first put it on you never truly know how painful it's going to be you're always like okay these feel okay because you're just standing you walk a little you're like these are good and then like three minutes in you're like this is going to be impossible but i'm 48

Why do I keep lying to myself Every time I know I'm in a blister situation Yeah And I pretend that this time might be different Yeah, and it's not different I'm a bleeder Like someone would be like Did you cut off your foot?

And I'm like, no, just wearing ballet flats Yeah, I'm a bleeder I'll be gushing blood from the back of my foot And someone will be like, are you okay Are you losing rapidly losing blood? And I'm like, yeah Hannah's a little hemophiliac When it comes to the heels

She's a heliphyliac Oh! That's a pun. You hate them. I hate puns. I'm upset. That ruined my day. That ruined my day.

I'm upset. Yeah. Well, you were also worried that we're going to get canceled because you were like, can you joke about hemophilia, but I think it's okay. You know, it's funny. I don't know what hemophilia is. Oh, you don't? It's the one way.

It's scared of blood. No, you can't, you can't, your blood doesn't coagulate. You don't have the. That's above my pay grade. I forgot the term for, I forgot the term for the thing that's in your blood that creates, that makes it coagulate, that stops you bleeding. but this is so different from giggly squad I wish I could have explained it better

no we're trying to put we this happens to us but with basic words where you're trying to explain like a high level like doctor thing where I'm like what is the word for tree well you know that there's no female hemophiliacs right okay that what that's not so if you're female in the womb the hemophiliac will not make it the term but the male men will

does that explain something about why men are the way they are no that's it anyway that's our little that's our little fun fact down the hemophilia zone Grace like she does clips for us and she randomly just cut up all

these moments of us being stupid oh and it was really funny all right we weren't being stupid there. By the way, my confirmation sponsor was a hemophiliac. So I grew up with a hemophiliac, so that's why I'm aware of it. So we're not, we're not stating. What's a confirmation sponsor?

Oh, God, you are so not Catholic. Oh, my God. So when you get confirmed. You need to get sponsored like AA? You pick a sponsor. It's like he stands with you. Like an athlete? Like I'm sponsored by Dunlop? You know, you're not, it doesn't matter because you were, you're

raised a heath. I thought you were sort of I thought you were raised Catholic. I almost got confirmed but I had a tennis tournament oh you did so you're not confirmed no I literally had my god is that legal it's fine are we going to hell so anyway my confirmation sponsor jimmy carny god rest him he's no longer with it he was uh he was uh hemophiliac so anyway uh that's not good dog i still don't know what a hemophiliac is it's a disease but how do you prevent it you can't Did he die from it? Yeah, you didn't need to dig into it.

A lot of them, anyway, it's kind of sad what happened to Jimmy Carney, but a lot of them died. This is so typical, Des. Am I going to have to take this out? No, three minutes in, he's bringing up death. Like, it always comes to someone who died. Yeah, sorry about that. Well, okay, so since we're deep into it, can I just tell you that? It's more serious than you think, because he was an 80s hemophiliac, and a lot of them sadly

died from AIDS because they got they got blood because you have to get blood transfereuses yeah it's a bad time so unfortunately he was one of the ones that got at AIDS from he was one of that cohort of people do you know people listen to this pod to like lighten up their day I know I'm sorry I didn't you know but I it's fine it's it's staying in well let's get pissed off about little things yeah let's get pissed on little things rather than being born with an incurable disease that can cause humongous inconvenience for the rest of you life. But you know what I like about this?

You feel bad like getting pissed off about little things, but it's really a very common thing because it's like you're just dealing day to day what's going on. Yes, I know that there's people going through horrible, fucked up shit, but we're allowed to be overdramatic sometimes. A hundred percent.

A hundred percent. And we on the, on the prompt on Instagram, you gave the Uber Eats example, which was you know, when the Uber Eats order goes to the wrong address. That was what we used as an example. But actually I think we could have done a whole Uber Eats

episode because we had a lot of food delivery takeaway ones. So we might as well start with one. That's up there with mine because you're already like about to snap. When you order something via takeout

and they give you the bag and all's good. You get your drink and you go home and something is missing something like the sauce or they gave you the wrong size nuggets or fries or something and whenever it happens i literally just cry because i don't want to go back and i'm already home i'm hungry but they're missing what i want so it's annoying and it feels like the end of the world even though it is so fucking small thank you this one actually she picked it up right but i mean we've had so many of these you feel like you've been robbed It happens a lot because I'll order for you

And then there'll be confusion over Do we ever getting two with something? One is something Yeah They mess it up Sometimes I mess it up And then when it comes you're just like Why can't we have happiness?

There's so many Or like you know like you ask for the sauce on the side But the sauce is on top Or they give you the wrong sauce There was a lot of them came in like the wrong sauce Yeah Right Well this is thing sauce is integral

To enjoying the meal one of my ones is when you order a Diet Coke with your Uber Eats but it's a restaurant that doesn't do like bottles or cans so you get like a fountain diet Coke which is like not even really Diet Coke it's just like some oh so in the Diet Coke community that's like the bottom of the barrel oh my god it's it's just horrible there's no comparison even if the ice is crushed like fun it's like ordering heroin

and getting salpidine oh that was so relatable you know I just Like, there's just no, it's just so annoying when you're expecting like a nice super carbonated. You want to hear a Diet Coke with your salty food because it's a perfect combination. Yeah. I'm not a Diet Coke drinker, as everyone knows from my special. But I feel that way about Mexican food. If I don't get sour cream with it, I actually can't eat it. Yes. And sometimes I'll order sour cream.

It doesn't come. The worst is when you order two things and only. one comes because you've ordered you know you forgot to press two or something yeah once that happened and I just like started eating it and you were like so you're going to leave me for dead and I was like well order another one mine came actually I had to get your mom to back me one time because Hannah has this insane habit she will order Uberit like sitting down order a breets right and then like I'll be in the house and then a half I wouldn't know that this happened next thing there'll be a doorbell and Hannah will be like oh I order Uberitz and I'm like

You order Uber and you didn't check? So this is actually... Did we talk about... I think we actually talked about this recently. But this is probably like the biggest... One of the bigger problems in our relationship like causes the most drama. And I realize we're two independent people,

which is great. But like sometimes we... I have selfish moments. I also will have very specific cravings that I'm like, there's no way that he's going to want like this niche Greek food right now. Or like we get into it because you don't like Starbucks.

and I want to order Starbucks and then if I order it and didn't ask you, you're like, why don't you ask me? And I'm like, because you don't like Starbucks. And then you're like, but you should have asked me. Well, yeah, but also in it's more to do also with a situation of like, hey, I'm going to eat. Are you going to be eating? Because it's kind of weird that we live together. And then suddenly you're just like, I'm so used to just being like when I'm hungry, I just go on my phone and order something where I'm like, okay, you order something on your phone. Like it takes a second. But you can't, yeah, but you can't do that if you don't know that somebody's ordering. so it's basically just like

I'm going to eat on my own I like eating on my own where you're more like let's eat together and I'm like but I want to be like a squirrel and just like shove my face with acorns in the corner it's funny because when I first moved to Ireland Irish people had very specific things

that they were like critical of Americans about like cultural differences and not just one but so many people would give the example of my cousins came up from America visiting and he had like a bag of M&Ms and he never offered me one. He just ate it all in his own.

He never said, like, do you want an M&M? I'll definitely offer people M&M's. Yeah, but, you know, like, that's like, that was like a noticeable difference culturally. Yeah, I do think there's more politeness when it comes to food in overseas. You think so? Yeah, where Americans are a little like,

give me mine, yeah, give me that big gold. I'm not saying that's what's going on for you. I think you're just selfish and a way. it's not American specifically oh thank thank you not just kidding by the way um so anyway but it's really just food that i'm like that yeah that's it and it this is lighthearted by the way is that i like to i do like to offer food like when we're eating i like to be like let me taste yours you taste mine and you're very like i don't want taste yours i ordered what i want why would i taste yours and i'm like because it's and it's a bonding experience also i grew up my dad would just like eat

everyone's food so when you don't want to finish my food I'm like am I chopped liver well you know because I'm a bit I'm a bit specific with the food sharing in that like if we order Chinese food I order for everybody to eat everything together yeah but like when I order like skirt steak with mashed potatoes and broccoli yeah I'm just not in the I'm not in like the sharing zone but I also I'm not attracted to other people's like a bite of somebody else's dish when we're all eating our own dinner but that's just mental. See, the only thing I'm attracted to is other people's food when I'm sitting and eating. Everything looks better. That's because you're looking to covet something. Everything looks better. We need to get into that. Can you define covet? You're looking

to sort of take over something, right? No, it's because everything looks better that you don't have. Like, I'll be eating the same pizza as someone and I'm like, I want to bite it there pizza. Also, you get really mad if I accidentally mix something. Like, you get pissed off. What? If I mix something. What do you mean? Like, if I have ketchup on my fork and I go to grab, like, some macaroni and cheese

and the ketchup gets on your macaroni and cheese, you'll freak out. Like, I actually didn't know what you were mad at at first. I was like, I'm so confused. Yeah, I can't, I can't handle, like, stray ketchup or, like, stray mayonnaise in the wrong spot. Like, like, if somebody has been at my jam and they've left, like, a stray bit of butter within the jam. Yeah. And I understand I've put my butter knife into the jam

And I've accidentally got butter in the jam But I will make sure to clean it up Because if I think that it's somebody else's butter The jam is ruined for me See, that's so funny because I don't care I want to do, I'm working on a stand-up bit About how like I'm not freaky in the bedroom But I'm freaky with food

Like I'll order a tuna fish sandwich from a gas station And just be like, let's see what happens But like in the bedroom I'm like, okay But the thing is that I, To me, that's not freaky, you know? I, as somebody who went to boarding school, like, I can eat the most basic, shitty processed food and be totally fine with it. I'll mix anything.

Like, I'll put it on a fucking blender and eat it. I can eat a 7-Eleven sandwich, like, out of the plastic. Like, all that stuff, no problem. That is one thing that we do bond over. We'll go to a 7-Eleven and be like, do you want a tekeeto or do you want pizza? Like, we'll take anything. Do you want, like, ham with American cheese on a roll with, like, no mayonnaise? Do you want this flavorless twinkie?

Do you want to possibly die from how dry the sandwiches? Do you want the most boring sandwich of all time? It's funny because we don't eat that much fast food. We more just eat like, well, I take risks too. We'll be like, do you want to go to that random hole-in-the-wall restaurant that looks incredible? I love that. Anyway, so the other one then is like, like when we order Uber Eats at home, like at the apartment, sometimes they'll deliver it to like the wrong apartment.

That's annoying, but it's not as terrible as like when the delivery just, it's a failure. Yeah, I've had it before where like they're trying to find you and then they just cancel the order. And the problem is that's always after like an hour and a half. Yes. Yes. And you're so fucking, you're so close, but so far. The fight or flight hunger is at its peak. Yeah. I mean, when you're in an apartment complex and they leave it at the wrong apartment, I take it as I'm Indiana Jones. I'm like, I'm going to find this. Yes.

Because in New York, like no one's checking out for. like it's going to be there for a while so I try to zoom in to see what it could be I look at what the mat is I've gone in on the elevator and stopped at every single floor like and I'm determined and people will look at me and I'll be like looking for my order on the wrong one I've taken five other people's Uber Eats orders in the meantime true and then they get invested people like did you find the order again I'm like not yet not yet but um yeah Uber Eats or you know what's another annoying one with Uber Eats you order Uber Eats and then you forget about it you get on at your life, and then you realize that three minutes after you ordered, Uber Eats message

you to say, oh, the restaurant said that you need to substitute whatever. They don't have onion rings. Yeah. If you don't substitute in the next three minutes, we're canceling your order. So you didn't know that your order was canceled. But you know what's so funny. We're bitching about this. Back in the day, we had to call a restaurant.

Yeah, you had to go pick up your pizza. And pick it up. And we're like, oh, they left it in the wrong apartment. You had to just have no idea when you're. Do you know that you used to have to just wait for a delivery? You couldn't follow a dot on your phone? I just remember my parents, like, when we were doing takeout, they'd open the takeout drawer and there were all the pamphlets.

All the pamphlets. See, I'm not that young. Oh, yeah. So, okay, well, that was a long session on Uber Eats. We had a little too much fun with that. What's the next, DJ? All right. Hi, Hannah.

Hi, hi, Des. so something that goes like the end of the world that really isn't but obviously to me it is when I'm trying to stream Netflix or Hulu Paramount Plus or Peacock to my TV because I'm not fancy I don't have a smart TV so I have to get like a Roku or a Google Chrome to download the app on my phone and stream it to the TV anyways we're not talking about those logistics but whenever it will not connect it sends me over the edge where I want to for my remote because why isn't it connecting?

I just want to watch some freaking housewives or summer house or Vanderpumperl. Is that too much to ask for? Honestly. So we've had numerous versions of this issue. I mean, first of all, when your TV for some reason your Sony Bravia doesn't have

Hulu, right? Well, this is the thing. Let's just start with TVs in general. Why are they so fucking difficult? These days. These days, you need 800 remotes. If it's not your TV, there's no way to turn on someone else's TV because you're like, I'm going to break it by clicking.

It's literally like rush a roulette with just random buttons and you're like, something bad's going to happen. And then sometimes it's so easy to connect to things. And then sometimes it's like you have to like be a scientist to figure it out. Yeah, one time. So back in the, when HBO Max was still HBO Max, right? The, we, for some reason on the TV, the LG TV that we, we had in West Hampton, you couldn't download HBO Max.

So I googled HBO Max app on LGTV. And on a Reddit, it said, oh, if you change your location to Mexico, it will download. So I changed our location to Mexico. And we had fucking Mexican HBO Max and could watch whatever we wanted to walk on HBO Mac. But then it probably took stuff away from other things. Like, it's crazy. And I love that like multiple people have Googled that because it's weird. Honestly, I think things are changing so much with streaming and the smart TVs are not like keeping up with it.

Yeah, because we can't, we still, in our TV in the city, we still can't get Max. We can't get Max. No, on Max, we watch always from the phone. Yes. We put it on our phone and we, you know, we, whatever the word is, we mirror it or whatever that is. We telecast onto the TV. Yeah. And all the different TVs are different.

And then there ends up being wars where like, Sony doesn't support this app. And it's like, what, just fucking streamline? I have such a stupid one. Yesterday, I didn't realize that it was so easy to download TV shows on your phone. Like, I thought downloading would be like a three-hour event, but I was like watching the boy band's documentary on Netflix and you were like, are you going to download it? So I pressed download it. It downloaded in like two seconds.

Yeah. I had no idea. I download series always before I got on flights. Where is it downloading? Because it's just like on it? It's on the phone. Wow. Okay, so that blew my mind.

But then, of course, I don't have any battery on my phone when I get to the airplane, but I'm like, it's fine. I'll charge it. But then I realize I can't listen to it. You don't have Bluetooth headphones. Because I don't have Bluetooth headphones. So I'm sitting there just like, Mother four! Well, you charge for 10 minutes.

Yeah, but like the fact that you can't listen with headphones and charge your phone at the same time is a diabolical thing. Yeah, well, that was one of those evolutions that happened. one of those sneaky things that they did and I know you talk about it all the time and numerous ones about Bluetooth headphones came up but just as we're on the topic I know you guys talk about wired headphones but I'm still of the opinion that wired headphones

are better and that like having to charge your headphones is a supreme annoyance Also when I was on a plane and I was in one of those seats you know that goes back and I guess my charger got like stuck in it and the lady was like let me get

it for you and she helped me get it And she's like, I was like, thank you so much. Like, I was going to let it die there. Like, I was just going to be like, fuck that charger. And she's like, no, I could get that. But people lose their wireless headphones every time they sit down in this, like, the seat that reclines. I mean, is there anything worse than you're in the gym? You've got a good workout.

And all of a sudden, your headphones are like, battery is low. You're like, what the fuck am I going to do now? You're powerless. I mean, we can't even charge our dildos. Like, I'm not charged. Yes. Nice callback. Call back to a previous episode.

So I just want to mention this, and then there's kind of a prompt that goes with it that's not exactly the same, but the bridge is, is there anything worse than, so say we're like, we've been in the city, and then we come out to the Hamptus.

I know it's like First World Problem, but you go to watch something on fucking Netflix or Hulu, and it's like, you have to sign in, and it's like, oh my God. And signing in where you can't do it from your phone and you have to press every single one. Is there anything more annoying? Let's just talk about passwords in general.

Like, people are not coming up with 100 different versions of a password. Bro, when you can't, like, the fact that you can now do the QR code and sign in that way. Yeah. I mean, what a great evolution. Let's give credit where creditors do. Yeah. Because having to put in like capitals, small letters, numbers, dashes. And let's be honest, you're not like, oh, I'm going to put in my password.

You go, oh, guess something. I'm going to have to get a new password for this. I mean, is there something, is anything worse when you, back in the day, you'd have like a complicated password. You'd spend 10 fucking years going through the, you know, because you can't type, right? So you have to go ABC all the way through, right?

And then you realize you got one fucking letter wrong. Yeah. One letter wrong. And you can't just go back and fix that letter. You got to go all the way back. I mean, just honestly, cancel your plans for two hours if you have to sign into something. So on that note, right, on the, on the note of having to sign into things,

here's one. Hey, Hannah and Des. One thing that really makes me just want to lie down and give up for the rest of my life is that when you're typing in your password onto a website and then it says your password's wrong. So you're like, oh, okay, I'll just reset it. And then you go to reset your password. And once you do that, it gives you the little message that you can't reset your password to something you used previously. And I'm like, I just type that in. And I'm like, I just type that in. and you said it was wrong so then you have to come up with a whole new password and then you have all these different passwords um thank god for um i cloud remembering your password because otherwise i would be resetting my password every single time okay that's so true what it goes this password is the

same as the old password and you're like no it's fucking not this reminds me though i'll lose it when i'm trying to buy something really quickly and for some reason the credit card is not automatically filling in and I have to get up to go to my wallet to put in the credit card number, we're not buying that. Oh yeah. We're not, I don't care if it's literally a life-saving medicine for myself. We're not buying it. I know my credit card number up by heart. I should. Yeah, I should. It's a practicality. Wait, can I say one more thing about Apple? Sure. They purposely make it really complicated, but there's been a time where like I forgot my charger. I left my charger and I could leave it anywhere. And I'm like,

at the hotel so I go to order someone to drop it off because it's like an emergency but then the plug and the wire you have to choose the right wire but I didn't know that all wires are different so like they have different insertions to go into different places

and they're not simple it says like it's called I don't even know what it's called USB or a Lightning USBC or Lightning USB HD like like what are they saying yeah lightnings fuck me in the face so it's Like, I get so confused, and then I order the charger.

I'm like, thank God, I can charge it. And it just nothing plugs into the right thing. Oh, God. That is definitely a kill-me-now situation. Yeah, that's, you take the charger and you strangle yourself with it. When they say you can't use a previous password, it drives me insane. Because basically it means that I probably typed it in wrong the first time. Yeah.

So I wish they had a way of saying like, hey, your password was wrong, but I think you just misspelled it. Yeah. Instead, you reset the password and you put it in right, like she said. Or how about this one? you fucking write in the password like 25 times you're like I know this is a fucking password and then you realize that it's one of these

weird ones like one of every 10 places doesn't let you use like a character I was about to say places are different and they'll be like this one needs 10 characters this one has to have a weird character in it's a capital a number and a character this one needs your fucking first born

put your first born in this one like the ones where you're not allowed to use characters like what are you trying to get me hacked? Are you trying to get me hacked? Wait, someone? Oh my god. I forget who it was, but someone posed a TikTok and they were like, don't tell me that my password's weak. Maybe that's who I am. Maybe I want to be weak. Maybe I'm going through it right now. And it goes, maybe I want my password to be my name, one, two, three, four. Yeah. And it's also like, okay, maybe it's weak for you, but not for me. It's right for me. Okay. But you know what's also annoying is like some

passwords like different sites rate my password differently same password sometimes it's moderate yeah sometimes it's very strong yeah so who are you like it was fine on apple why are you saying okay judge you wudge you was a bear yeah everyone else was fine with this password also it's like if we're gonna get hacked we're gonna get hacked it's not gonna be and who's using the one that is recommended by the way okay so who's using that i've done it before because when i'm like oh i'll only do this on my phone anyway yes and I always get fucked. Like, it's always, like, suddenly I have to use it, like, to save someone's life, like, in a car somewhere,

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So we're ready for the next one? This is universal. Okay. Okay, I'm sure somebody else is going to submit this too. But stubbing your toe, my God, is that the worst thing in the world? And it will immediately bring me to my knees, bring me to tears.

It's the worst. And it does feel like the world is ending. And I don't care if that's dramatic because that's how it feels. You know what it is. It's not dramatic. As someone who's hurt their finger before and their toes, it's very sensitive. The nerves on your outer extremities. I don't think anybody is looking for you to rationalize it.

I think the general consensus here is amen. an ACL tear. Amen. It really doesn't. No, because I feel like when it's really bad, like your body just goes into shock mode and you don't feel it, this is like not painful enough for your body to go into shock mode. So you fucking feel it.

It's also like... Like when you have cold feet, amplify that by 100. If you have a cold foot and you slam your toe, it's just like, fuck, why was I born? Why was I put on this earth to deal with this? Oh, me like, just take me out. Take me out. Some people are like very dramatic with their sneezes and I'll,

make fun to them like yeah that's me when I stub my toe like no that's everybody I'll lay on the floor like I'll lay there for like 30 minutes just groaning I don't care if I'm at in a corporate environment I will lay on the floor I have phases where like first I do I'm like fuck I'm so fucking angry and then I'm just like oh god it hurts so much and then I do this thing where I just like I just accept and I just I let the pain flow literally go through all the stages of grief yeah I let the pain flow and I just kind of like I just wait for it because the one thing I know is that it will subside I I let my brain do what it has to do and I just really just go pain just flow what's funny too is if you're with someone they'll be so like oh my god are you okay and like you both know

you're going to be just fine yes because you just stubbed your toe but they know how painful it is in that moment that you have to just sit in it you do also have to go through like when it's your pinky toe or your small toe whatever you do have to go through the thing of like I I think I broke my toe. But you may have. You know, that's the thing is... You either broke your toe or you're gonna be literally fine

in five minutes. Yeah, it's like, it's just one of those things. You just don't know, you know? It's the same as like hitting your head. Like, you hit your head. And for like three minutes, you're like, fuck is worth it in the world.

Then later on the day, you've completely forgotten that you. Also, like, stubbing your toe. You feel so stupid. It's like you've one job and to walk and it's like, how did you fuck up walking? And then you wonder, like, how do I not stub my toe every time I try to walk?

Yeah, man. But the thing about stumbling you tell is, like, there's nothing to avoid it. It just happens. Like, is there any, what's the worst toast up? The worst toast up is like off the bed frame. Fucking nightmare. All right.

This is one you won't identify with. So when I have done a bunch of dirty dishes and I'm getting ready to load them into the dishwasher and I realize the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, there is like a 10 second period of realization, you know, that the dishwasher's full, that I am just pissed off. I'm so angry that there are a bunch of clean dishes that I now need to unload after just doing a bunch of dirty dishes. But, you know, in the grand scheme of things, it is a minor inconvenience. It only takes a couple minutes to unload a dishwasher, but man, in that little time frame, it really, like, throws a damper on my whole day.

you're so savage with that what do you mean when you go you never you don't know this I go oh it's gonna be your driving one and I'm like oh that one too oh god you are savage no that's not savage it's no it's it's true but it's funny um how something that literally takes five minutes could like ruin your month that you're procrastinating about people are like when you finally do that thing that only took six minutes but you've been stressing about it for a full month oh yeah 100% but you know the thing about the dishwashers neither of us are great with the cleaning right it's not our it's not our strong suit yeah so what drives me crazy is like every now and then i'll be like okay i'm cleaning yeah but then i open up the dishwasher and there's clean dishes in there and i'm like fuck this is an extra

thing i wasn't part of this process well this is the thing i think it also means that somebody didn't unload it's amazing for some people who like don't have to like psych themselves up to clean who were just like oh look at the dishwasher let's undo it i have to have a full like planning period i have to make sure there's like three hours like it has to play heavy metal i have to set up the scene to even get myself pumped up to do it where i the tiger has to be on yeah it's also this is so stupid but you ever like wake up and you're like oh i have i have a relaxing day ahead of me and then you remember that you have one thing at like 4 p.m.

So then it like ruins the whole vibe of the day. Yes. And we got a lot of those actually. Yeah. A lot of like you sit, you know, you think it's done. You sit down.

You relax and then you realize you had a fucking zoom. Yeah. You forgot about. And it could be in eight hours, but it just, the day doesn't hit the same. Also whenever you sit down and get cuddly and then you realize you have to pee. Oh.

Finally I forgot that too. We did get that. And that's, and then add a cat onto that. She finally sits on. you and you're like, well, I guess I have to hold my pee for the next 10 hours and I can't even enjoy this. Yes.

I mean, sometimes I'll be lying in bed before I go to bed at night and I'm like, I should pee because I know I'm going to be annoyed at 3 a.m. when I have to get up to pee, but I don't. And then I wake up at 3. I'm like, you're such a fucking idiot. You could have just got up. So this came up a lot and like, this drives me crazy. It happened actually when I was getting ready to go to Jimmy Fallon, when you were on Jimmy

Fallon, it happened to me and it fucking freaked me out because I thought I ripped my suit. But anyway, this came up a lot, and I was glad because it does annoy the shit out of me. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Dez. So one thing that happens that feels like the end of the world for me is when, and I know this stupid, but when one of my pockets, whether it's on my shirt, my hoodie, or my pants, get stuck on a doorknob when I walk past it, especially if I'm already having a bad day because it's just like, what the fuck? But yeah, that's it. thanks all right especially if it makes the rip sound like you literally get like assaulted by a doorknob yeah you know you'll be like walking out of the room and then suddenly like your pocket catches

it and like there's two annoying things one is sometimes it rips your clothes which is tragic but then sometimes it's just the shock yes you know they're just like what the fuck you know like i wasn't expecting to be you know pulled back into my room by an unknown force no it's scary but i had i had one where so I got that suit to go to the suit was for your party after the tonight show but we were going to the tonight show and you know at the back of a man's suit sometimes that the the flaps are stitched yeah yeah so I I hadn't unstitched them and it the fucking thing got caught on it but it made the most terrible ripping noise and I was like fuck man I literally just bought this suit but as it turns out it just ripped those things it just helped you yeah thank

god because then it reminded me oh shit I got to take those threads out so funny So anyway, that was, I was happy with that one because, you know, that happens to me a lot. And I, you never really, it's just nice sometimes to know that you're, you're part of a community. It is, with clothes, there's so many things. But, you know, when you like can't get a zipper up or you're like, the zipper breaks and then you're like, there's no hope. The world is falling apart. A broken zipper. Or you accidentally pull the string all the way through a hoodie.

It'll never get back again. Oh my God. when you pull a string off a hoodie or when you pull a string off your sweatpants I have to throw these sweatpants away or then it's close enough that you can get it back but it still takes like incredible patience eight hours

push pull push pull but then when you get it out the satisfaction the satisfaction when you get that out I recently accidentally pulled the string out and I was like no have you ever put on pants I'm like oh I don't need a belt with these and then as the day goes on they loosen up

And then the whole day, like, why did I wear a fucking belt? That's every pants I've ever worn. My problem is I'll go on tour and not bring a belt. And I'll be like, these jeans are great. And then by the fourth show, I look like I'm in a weight loss commercial when really my jeans just got saggy. And then it's so hard to find a belt. I've bought so many belts, but they're never around when I need them. Also, I'll buy a belt and they don't fit me.

And I'm like, why? You bought the wrong belt. Yeah, but like, I don't know what's. size belt I am I thought I was just I'm a normal person there should just be belts for people why is it so like niche the size of the belt yeah like the variety of human size like why do they stop the like the holes well because you could get because people don't want like a fucking belt going another halfway around their body I just literally bought like a normal belt size on Amazon and it didn't fit me and what's your way you have to get like like one or two sizes up

from your waist size. These are things I didn't know about. So I have a lot of belts that don't fit me lying around. I have belts that don't fit me, but it's because when I purchased them, they did fit. But unfortunately, you know, I've had a lot of injuries.

And then I'm like, do I get a staple gun and try to, for this $12 belt that I bought? Yeah, like, and that's always like so freaky. Like, I know I'm going to slice my hand open trying to make an extra hole. You know, like I, the extra hole can be hard to do sometimes. And it looks terrible.

All right. here we go. Hi guys, love you so much. Uh, the one thing that will make me feel like it's the end of the world is when I am handed, like my iced coffee or whatever, and it's definitely the wrong color. Like, you know it's going to taste like shit. You've spent $8 on it. It's going to be awful. And then there's people that are like, well, just give it back to the barista. But they're always a little shit about it and act like they know better than you, even though you get the same damn thing every single day. Um, and it's just a huge inconvenience because you know, you're already running late and it just sets you up for the most horrible day when your ice coffee's

the wrong shade of brown yeah but also like when so if we get from uber eats or you order or i order and like for some reason they've put like sugar in both of them you know so it's sweet when you don't want it's sweet or in your case when it's oat milk yeah yeah i do have to say as i get like you know when people get like fixated on a song that they like I'm like that with food or like an outfit like if I see an outfit that works I'll wear it all week or if I like some food I'll order it every morning but when you're doing that and you're ordering the same thing every day it becomes obvious when someone did it differently yes and you're like these coconut flakes are not what they're supposed to be yeah and you get really picky about it yeah but also like you go to a place that

looks like a good coffee shop you get a latte and then it's fucking roasting hot and undrinkable and rather than be like hey this is too hot i'll just throw it out or you drink it but i'm miserable sue like that person what didn't someone try to sue for like mcdonalds that was years ago that was mcdonalds settled because it was too hot but no i don't mean too hot in that like it's a danger it's just that latte shouldn't be that hot yeah it's like not and if you like them that hot you would say like extra hot and new york city you're gonna pay 13 dollars for it regardless So it's like, when you're expecting a good coffee and it's not good, it's thunder, by the way, in case that comes through the mic,

that's pretty depressing, to be honest. The Summer Olympics are in full swing and hydration is key for athletes and the fans. Yes, I'm not an Olympic athlete, but I still need to be hydrated. And I have been playing some tennis. I also am flying a lot. I also am just trying to exist on this planet. and apparently being hydrated is like the number one important thing. But unfortunately for me, I think water is boring and I don't like to drink it and I forget to do it until I discovered liquid IV.

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Now let me find it Hi Hannah Hi Des Long-Time Giggler and now listener of Burner phone um something that's kind of small but feels like such a big deal to me is i always have to look at the menu before i go to a restaurant um because i have anxiety and so i look at the menu i already pick

out what i want so i know going into it and then i get to the restaurant and i go to order and i'm so prepared i'm so ready and i've just been craving this food and then they're out of the one thing that i wanted out of the whole menu and like it's such a small if you're because there's obviously tons of other options at the restaurant so it's not like I have to starve but like easily ruined my whole day something so small but anyway love you guys thanks bye I love everyone has shame around something so small it's like no that's that's the assignment there's no need to be ashamed this is your community you're with your people right now I do have to say I like to be surprised by menus like I'm a little crazy like that and then I like to panic order

and order the wrong thing it's all part of the fun of the game living life on the edge however I hate when you go somewhere for something specific like I want a bacon egg and cheese from this place and you go and they're like sorry we don't have any eggs

or sorry we don't have any of those sandwiches I will turn around I came here for that you don't have it I'm leaving what about when you're so happy with your order the order goes in and then five minutes later they come out like sorry

there's no you know sea bass left and you have to order something else when you've ordered like you actually have already been like you've ordered you're happy you're chatting you've moved on you're waiting or how about this one when everyone's food comes

and for some reason there's a problem with yours and it comes like 10 minutes later that's some form of human torture then you feel like a weird you tell everyone eat no eat what you want them to eat you don't want them to wait but then it's just weird because you're like not eating

and then you're eating where everyone's done you're still eating it's like the night's over the night's ruined yeah you're an outcast yeah

and you're watching other people have fun while you're pretending to still have fun but you're not but I mean I get it sometimes places don't have things

I just I get very specific with food so I've definitely gone to places to be like I'm going here for you know this sandwich and they're like we're out

and I'm like okay then I'm leaving I recently went to a bagel place and to my surprise I saw advertised chicken salad with crazins. You love that. And I love crazons.

So I was like, this is a crazy order, but I'd never ordered it before, but I said, can I get a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel with the crazen chicken salad, please? Yum. And they said,

sorry, we don't have any crazins. I was like, how, this thing is on your, this thing is on your menu on the wall. The crazen restaurant. No, like, but it's on the wall. This isn't like, you know, I saw the crazons in the chicken salad. Yeah.

It's like, you have it on the wall. This isn't like the special of the day. Yes. How can you not, if you don't have craisins, take it off the fucking board. Yeah. I actually, I do this with breakfast. And by the way, King Cullen is around the corner. Go buy some fucking crazins.

I'll fucking buy some crazins. I definitely have gone to places like for brunch. Like, I'm like, this is a brunch place. And you get there and they're like, oh, you know, brunches actually. only on Saturdays and it's Friday that is I'll lose my mind

Oh the fucking small print on the menu Just Saturdays and Sundays Yeah And you you're looking at all these brunch spots It doesn't say it on the abs Yeah you've got fucking huevos And then you're forced to eat a fucking like

Turkey sandwich When in your head you were like I'm gonna have You know French toast Chiliquillas Yeah French toast with spicy of honey That's the thing

When I'm in the mood for brunch I need to eat brunch And I don't want to be conned Into being at your restaurant That I thought had brunch And it's totally valid I get it You only do it on Saturdays

But why? Why can't brunch be more normalized? What about the restaurants That have the half hour To one hour changeover period Where you go in and they're like Sorry we're not doing food now We're changing from breakfast to lunch

You're like how much fucking transition Needs to happen here? I've been told that there is a thing about eggs Like once they switch they can't be mixing the eggs or something. Yeah, well, there's definitely something because it happens a lot. There's something, but you go get there two minutes after 11, and they're like, sorry, we can't make eggs anymore.

Two more. Oh, this is a biggie, man. Hi, guys, I love you. I feel like this is a really good prompt for me because I am the most negative person ever. But anyway, another minor inconvenience is when I live in a three-story townhome. And so when I go to leave, I have to walk down the stories to get to my car. So imagine how annoying it is when you forget something and you have to walk up two flights of stairs to go get it.

And then you forget something else and you have to walk up two more flights of stairs to go get it. Oh my God, it drives me nuts. And then by like the third time I forget something, I'm like, I give up, I can't do anything. This is why I make lists and it's too much admin to remember everything that I need. So I don't have to go up three flights of stairs every time I forget something. But I love you guys. Hannah, I'm so proud of you. And, Des, you're awesome.

And thanks. Bye. It's cute. Cute. Yeah. Forgetting anything when stairs are involved is a big deal. Or like in an apartment building, like having to go all the way back up to elevator. Yeah.

I do have to say with the stairs stuff, try to be positive. And even though she clearly doesn't like being positive, which I totally get to be like, okay, I'm getting more steps in. You know, I'm making my, my. like stronger going up these steps. But as someone who forgets literally everything, I just assume that I'm going to forget something critical. I just wherever I go, I'm just like,

do I have my passport? Yeah, I mean, just obviously at the moment with stairs, it's like double trouble for me, but I just, that feeling of like realizing that you got to go back up and get something, or like you get in the car,

the car's already on. Oh yeah. Fuck! I gotta go all the way back in the house. It's always, and it's always your phone. Like, it's always something that like you don't need but you want well when you forget something as

important as your phone though that's so annoying but it always has to do it like an extra thing yeah like if there's like if you have like an extra bag that you don't normally have that'll be the time where you forget your phone or like your phone's on the charger in the car so you'll like you'll like leave the car you'll get in the restaurant you'll sit down and you're like fuck i forgot the phone it's actually insane how many times i functioned without my purse like i've just forgotten my purse and been like well we're gonna figure it out it's kind of like feels like survivor but in real life. Now, I know I mentioned this before,

but I'm going to mention it again. Isn't it always funny how you, like I always, I have a feeling like, I know I forgot something. And like, then I eventually I'll realize, oh, I know what it is. And I always go, I knew it.

I knew it. But the thing is that I always have that feeling. So it's just confirmation bias. Because I never think about all the times I thought it and I ended up being fine. But every now and then when it's actually did forget something, I knew it. I fucking knew I forgot something.

It is funny. When you're leaving, you're like, I know I'm forgetting something, but I know that I won't remember. it for like seven more hours. Yeah, but all that matters is, well, as Adam Sandler said in his song, phone wallet keys, phone wallet keys, passport.

Yes, yes, yes. No, literally phone wallet keys. On the rated special, in my opinion, not special, but anyway, we don't, we don't we don't get to comedy. All right, let's do one more. Hi, Hannah and Des. One thing that feels like the end of the world, to me, is when you are at like a long day of work and you're out the house all day and you have like the most bomb,

leftovers waiting for you at home and you just can't stop thinking that's the only thing you want you're like give up picking something else up or making anything else because you're looking forward to eating like to like that leftover Chinese food or whatever it is and then you get home and it's fucking gone because your boyfriend ate it for breakfast because he doesn't think about you at all this is why men suck I mean didn't need the extra bit at the end. Wait this is actually this is 100% because when you're so prepared and you're like it's gonna be so easy I'm just gonna take it out and put it in

and someone threw it away or ate it that over in lives well I threw it away on you once which you went crazy which since that time we've had nothing but leftovers that don't get eaten in the fridge but so there was that one time but you've definitely eaten you've eaten leftovers on me though also for sure no for sure but the funniest part about me and you

is because we never throw stuff away so when we do it's like insane when it's the one thing we need or want it. I'm not as big a fan is even keeping the left over person where I'm very much a leftover person but I also want the freedom to not eat the left I don't want to be forced to have to eat them I just like the option no I understand but then but then the problem is that like they they accumulate for a long time they accumulate like that time I just happened to like it just happened to coincide with the one time

you were actually thinking about eating them rather than leaving them to to generate germs in there I just prefer to throw away your invisible line oh you did you did you did do that And I never replaced it. And I'm almost back to my pre-envigiline days on my bottom teeth as a result. It was my last retainer. It was my last retainer. Actually, I'm going to play one more because this has happened to us and it's definitely happened to me. And this is because this is associated with the hangary.

Like anything associated with hangary, like it really accentuates how annoying things are. When dinner plans get changed the last minute, like it took a lot. for me to even want to go out and then we get to the restaurant and turns out they're closed on Fridays or they're closed for like a private party and I'll have an existential crisis right there in the parking lot. I'll sob uncontrollably and make you question why you're even with me. Is there anything worse when like, you're like, hey, let's go for, let's go for lunch. And then you get there and like, oh, wait, it closed on Mondays.

The closed on Mondays places? Like, what? Like the clothes on Monday I can't The only time I crave Chick-fil-A is on Sundays And that's I think I don't know why the universe does that to me But like it's the only time I've ever wanted it Or needed it

And I played golf with a guy that owns a Chick-fil-A franchise And he was telling me that That's like there's no going back on that That's like their strongest rule It's wild because like Sundays is the perfect time for Chick-fil-A. Yeah, the worst when something's closed or, yeah, private function

and you were just like looking forward to it, a place where you can't book. Or when like you're with people and you are very much so in the mood for like, let's say Thai food and then everyone agrees to go get Italian and you're just like, this is not going to hit and I'm already mad about it.

All right. Yeah. Interesting. Me and you are actually quite compatible. For some reason, you are down to eat most things and I'm the one who's more like you're like what do you want and you always are down to eat what I want largely yeah because some relationships no one can ever decide what they want they can't agree on anything and it's like every meal of the day that could be divorced

territory because my favorite meal is one that I don't have to prepare true we're bound by that honestly same you know let's leave it there yeah thank you guys so so so much um I added some shows does have some shows well i i'm doing toronto which i added a toronto show but now the two days before toronto i'm doing montreal and ottawa that's in october um i'm also ed i'm doing a new york show september 28th in the grammercy theater so that's a big ad my next show is in philadelphia because i added a show philadelphia august 11th go on my website anyway there's tons of shows like loads of them and madison and milwaukee uh are my first shows in september which they they need to they need to they need to get moving.

Go Badgers. You're in downtime now. I'm retiring. I'm trying to retire. All the Giggy Squad shows are on sale. Yeah, the Giggo. We sold out the first Chicago show, added another Chicago show at the Chicago Theater.

So that's huge, very fun. And yet, check the Gigli Squad shows. Also, order our book if you have it. Oh, yes. It's on pre-sale right now. How to Giggle. A guide to taking lifeless seriously. And by the way, I haven't said in ages,

but you know, my special's still up on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Watch does it. a special if you guys haven't. If you enjoyed my special, you enjoyed his. If you enjoyed his, you enjoy mine. Oh, they're quite different. I know, but you'll enjoy them both. Oh, wow, it's pouring outside. We got to go. We got to get out

of here. All right, thanks, everybody. Love you guys. Hi. Hey, it's the umbrella mom from whatever episode we were talking about old wives tales. But something that feels like the end of the world is when your Bluetooth headphones connect to the wrong device.

And it always takes forever to fix it and get it like synced up to your phone when it wanted to be with your computer or even worse is when it connects to something of your husbands. I don't want to listen to his stuff and I just don't understand why when like five years ago I had to use his headphones once, somehow that's overriding all of my shit. We need to be more like Hannah and just start using Delta headphones. also please use your delta flights to come to Amsterdam there's direct flights from everywhere Dublin is just too far away and we love you in continental Europe hi hi mommy hannah and daddy does

first can I say my name is Daphne so whenever you and page on giggly are talking about Daphne the cat I get little tinkles every time it makes me so excited anyways I've decided that the most fucking inconvenient thing in the entire world is when the check engine light comes on in your vehicle, especially if you're heading to work. It's like kill me now because it feels like either the car is going to explode as you're driving it or you're like, you know what, that can wait. But then every time you turn your car and you see that little orange glow in the light and you want to adjust. Or tire pressure. You're right, Tom. I'm calling in with my husband here first time giggler. Oh shit. Burner couple calling him. Uh-oh. We got to record this

again, Tom. Hey Anna, he does love the pod. Everyone says that, but I actually mean it. Um, this prompt is perfect for me because I'm a chronic complainer and violently overdramatic and every minor inconvenience is the end of the world. But mine is when you go to charge your phone at everything's great in the world. You go to sleep, feeling great, wake up in the morning, you roll over to rot in bed and watch TikToks for at a good half hour before getting up, and you realize that your phone wasn't actually plugged in because when you rolled over in the middle of the night, it pulled it out of the charger. So what am I supposed to do now? I can't go on, read the New York Times. Anyways, love you, bye.

Hey,