Berner Phone - Berner Phone #52: Pets Gone Wild

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Pets are the glue that hold our lives and our mental sanity together. But they have minds of their own and despite what we may think, they don't always listen to us. This week the dialers are sharing some wild pet stories. Some left us laughing and some left us cringing. 10% off skin and body care at oseamalibu.com with code BERN $5 for registering on the Ibotta app with code BERN Get the best cat litter 20% off plus a free cat toy at prettylitter.com/BERN with code BERN Snack guilt free at masachips.com with code BERN for 20% off Get 20% off your CleanMyMac X subscription with code BERNERPHONE

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. We have a fun episode today. It's your girl, H.B.N. Des. D. Bish on the mic.

deep shizzle and we were like what should we talk about today and I've been on a high because I never thought it would be possible but Paige Osorbo woke up one day

came to her senses and decided to get a cat and it's been taking me like up to six years of gardening and planting and gardening and planting for her to think that it was her idea and get this cat

and she's been sending me photos and it's very fun I don't think she, does she think it's her idea? I don't think she does. She knows that it was, she was manipulated by me, but she also finally agreed with me. And then she got mad at me that I didn't convince her sooner. And I was like, I was really trying.

But I just think having a pet can be such a huge part of someone's life, whether it's your emotional support animal, just your constant entertainment, something to bring the family together. And I wanted to talk about pets. And the funny side of having a pet Yes So we wanted to ask people

They're fun stories about pets You had pets growing up Yeah, we were always dog family Your dog family I was a cat family I also saw a video Some of my favorite videos Are making fun of cats and dogs

And I saw one recently About how dog people How they talk to their dogs Like humans Like how they'd be like You know We don't do that That's not who you are

Yes and like oh is someone being a little you know sassy today and it's like the dogs are the same as they are every day and I just I love people's relationships with their pets and how pets enrich your life yeah I mean uh dogs understand very limited amounts of stuff but people will completely even though they know that they they still persist on you know speaking to them and the funny thing is that like most of the time dogs completely misunderstand your emotion anyway. Yeah. So a lot of time, like, for example, like, when a dog is barking and you shout at them to stop barking,

they literally be like, this is awesome. We're all just fucking. We're all just fucking yapping here. Woo! Let's go. You're pissed off too. I'm like, yo, can you see this thing outside? My emotions are so valid right now.

Everyone's pissed. Let's yell together. My favorite one is like, dog stuff's people uh you know they'll be like sit stay go it's like okay i think the dog is super confused they're not sitting they're just lost yeah and then people just give treats the dogs like for like nothing at all and then dogs are just like oh i guess i'll do whatever that was for a treat yeah which is nothing yeah i also think it's funny when like dogs will be interacting with each other and parents will try to parents of the dogs will try to talk like their toddlers like

you know that, you know, Fluffy doesn't like when you do that. Don't jump on Fluffy. She doesn't like that. And the dog's just like, there's one thing about dogs that, dog training that I don't understand. Or like certainly like what dog trainers say about like how, you know, it has to be done fast so the dog won't make the connection between that behavior.

But dogs definitely do seem guilty after they've done something fucked up. Oh my God. Yeah. Like when you come home and like they've, they've clearly like eaten like a steak or your wallet well yeah he Flynn wasn't guilty that day he was proud controversial day that day we never get we never talk about the controversial stuff but that's a that's a day that's wiped from history as far as editing goes that was august 12th 2020 oh my gosh we won't get into it but it's funny how that day doesn't exist you know that's a very that's a very

layered comment and we'll leave it just layer just like that we're not saying anything anything else, but August 12, 2020, that day. The day that Flynn ate my wallet, 90 pound, blue-nose pit. So anyway, uh, dogs do, like, you feel like you come home and they've done something bad and like, they seem guilty. And it's like, you're reacting to the fact that I'm annoyed and you kind of know. So I think some dogs obviously have some memory of what they've done. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So, like, I'm not buying 100% that, like, the dog does. make the connection once a certain amount of time has passed because they clearly know they fucked up oh because they're saying that they're just so in the moment that they don't know what you're talking about no like the trainers will always say that if if it's a certain amount of time after the thing that you've asked them to do they they'll no longer know that you're rewarding them for that right but at the same time it can be three hours after they've knocked over the garbage

and pooped in the house you know well i i don't see a ton of guilt for house pooped But, like, you know, like just eating food, you know, just some stuff that they know what they seem to be guilty. Now, maybe we're just misreading the guilt. I do have to say, as someone who's only really had cats growing up, because I was in a, you know, smaller place with no backyard in Brooklyn, where having a big lab or something would be not ideal, is that when people get dogs, it's, like, a lot more exhausting. Like, I know some people who, like, get a puppy and they're like, I have a full. toddler on my hand where like when you get a cat even a kitten it hides the first three days yeah I mean cats are easier there's no way around the cats are easier but I guess dog people feel that you don't get as much back off them yeah but then I always joke about dog people whenever you visit

someone's house who has a dog they spend the whole time yelling at the dog and you like was this I mean you exaggerate that I mean there's been some listen you're you're you're a bit of an aunt you're not an anti dog person but when it comes to the propaganda you're very You lean hard on the anti-dog propaganda, and you lean heavy on the pro-cat propaganda. I think there's a lot of PR that's pro-dogs and against cats, and I want to level out the playing field. And I do love dogs. I want a hairy chihuahua, and you will never let me. You have a very difficult cat, and then you want to get the most difficult dog.

And guess what? The most difficult dog has been. That's actually not true. It was a joke. But it's factually incorrect. In fact, I would say you're more of the hairy chihuahua of fucking spouses. You're more of the hairy chihuahua of right. How dare you?

I'm like a senior lab. I would not say a lab. You're adopting a senior lab. Okay. If I was an animal, what would I be? And then I'll tell you. If you were an animal, what would you be? God.

I really, honestly, I don't know. You tell me, since you have one again. I think you'd be an old lion. An old lion? Yeah. Why a lion? Because you're, like, strong and confident and smart, and you've seen a lot of shit, but you also, like, could get annoyed with, like, the little cubs running by you.

And you like to sleep and nap during the day, but you'll be up early in the morning. Yeah. And you have a strong, low voice. You're a booming voice. You'll come over to me, and I'll just, like, wag my tail. Get away. Anyway, I don't know what, like you. An otter.

An otter. Just like a sea otter, like a sea otter at the side of the fucking ocean looking for attention. Like, ow, ow, ow, ow. What are the ones, the dog burritos in San Francisco? The what? I call them dog burritos. What are they? The seals?

The seals. You're a seal? Yeah, I'm a seal. Wait, can I say, my. one favorite cat joke is by Pete Holmes where he jokes about cat like dogs you have to like throw a steak out the door to like leave without them like crying death where like you won't even know someone has a cat and then they come out of nowhere and you treat him like a be-less celebrity you're like oh my god that's a cat you have a that's a can i get a photo with it like you have a cat

and then like where the cat go it's like oh she she's gone but she might you might see her later if you're lucky yeah i like that bit you should You sent that to me, actually. I mean, he does it way better, but. Anyway, so I can't think of funny pet stories. I'm sure they'll come to me as we're going through. We got a lot. I'm excited.

It brings joy. Your funny pet stories are always, so I got a cat, and it ended up with somebody else. Okay, that is a conspiracy theory against me, within my own family. Because, like, when we were in Shelter Island, I guess, everyone knows I love cats so we got Misty who ended up with my nan and papa and then we got Clyde when I came out from college but like my everyone was getting it for them but they joked that it was for me and then I would go to college but somehow the urban legend has somehow that you get cats and then other people have to look after them when it's like I've never once gotten the cat myself other people get the cat you got butter and I still have butter yes and I hope she lives forever you still have butter but luckily you got Matt because otherwise it would have been a real issue. What do you mean? Meaning that, like, you'd need to be living with somebody else to look after butter.

Oh, true. In terms of the amount of traveling and stuff like that. True, true. Butter's having a brat girl summer. I think cats are so brat. I mean, listen, the one thing we've learned from J.D. Vance is that there's a lot of childless cat ladies in America. I'm on the board of directors.

So I guess you can, you would have had plenty of people to help you out, even if you had been on your own. Wait, I wanted there to be a board of directors for childless cat ladies, but we can just send cat memes all day. All right. Yeah. That's what I do with Sierra. Yeah, I was just going to say Sierra. Me, Sierra and Paige are now childless cat ladies. On the board.

On the board. Let's shake and bake. This one came in late. Oh. This one got added in right at the end. Wow. Last minute on the buzzer. This is hot off the press.

Okay. Hey, so I have a really funny animal story. My cat noodles is my pride in joy. He's such a chunky delicious little monkey guy. And I had been watching a lot of videos about like bot larvas or whatever, like little maggot looking things. And so I thought I saw something on his stomach. So I flip him over.

I start looking at it and I call my daughter in who was like nine. And I'm like, oh my gosh, look at this. What is this? I get tweezers. I'm starting to pinch it off of his body telling my daughter don't touch anything because it's probably a disease and you're going to attract a virus and blah blah blah so i finally get in touch an emergency vet i take my cat to the vet he goes inside and i'm like i'll pay whatever i don't care you to save my baby they come out with my cat i hand on my card and they're like no charge and i was

like did you see you know what that was and they were like yeah it was his nipple so that was that happened that's so nice that they didn't charge her because yeah like cats and dogs with the vet bills can get crazy crazy vet bills crazy vet bills i mean i and i've had some things that turned out to be nothing and still got charged when i went into the doctor yeah you know so you know i thought i was having a heart attack i ended up needed to fart and that wasn't even the your famous story wait there was a story that was unrelated to you wait that happened to you that when we were together not not together at the moment but like was that the equinox one no that that was the third one

that was the more recent one no the first one before your one was uh before the one where you were present was when i was leaving the golf club and i was i was getting pains in my chest and uh i was like oh shit and then it kept getting worse so i i i pulled in i called nine oh i went to this like you know urgent care but they were like not like they didn't they weren't like open you know it was COVID it was like late COVID anyway and uh so I just called 9-1-1 and the guy checked me out and he was like no you have you have gas but I went to the hospital that day unfortunately me and you have the opposite problem like if you find anything you're like I'm going to the doctor which most men don't do no well you get I got to the age where I go yeah you also have had cancer

before so that'll do it that wasn't it though you it was a fart no no but that that The answer thing, I was, that was 19, that was 2000. It does, it, the, the, just dealing with, worrying about dying came a lot later, actually, for me, so. Well, it only took us how long to talk about death? No, so, anyway, the second, wrapped up in that. The point is that, that finding out I needed to fart story cost me a lot of money. They weren't like, oh, it turns out you just have gas.

Yeah. But then, it's funny because I, when. went to the hospital during COVID, and they thought that, like, I just had a lot of poop in my stomach, but really my intestines were wrapping around my appendix, and I almost died. Yeah, they were actually, I was there for that, too. Yeah. I went on two hot takes. I don't know if the episodes come out yet, and I told her the story, because there was this

fight about this guy who didn't wait for his wife in the hospital, and he left, and then something happened during the surgery. and that he was nowhere to be found and she was like really upset about it and he wouldn't admit at least apologize and I was like oh reminds me during COVID when you sat out in the parking lot and she started crying

Morgan yeah she was like that's the most romantic thing I ever heard I waited in the car and I went and I bought you a charger from 7-Eleven and I think of that charger every time I passed the 7-Eleven in Southampton I definitely lost that charger and the first will tell her my stop by

I do think the next episode we have to do times you thought you were dying but weren't oh that's a great that's a great one so let's remember that um also shout up noodles we love you noodles great story it does remind me um my grandpa had this amazing pit bull lab named meatball and he was getting older and you know they started getting some growths and he had like a little black growth on his stomach yeah they're fat deposits so i was like that's a tick and my grandpa was like you got to get the tick off but like i could tell it was like really attached and i was like i don't think this is a tick Oh, those ones, right.

Oh, sorry, yeah. I thought you were talking about the big fat one. No, you're talking about like a... It was like... What looked like a nipple. Yes. Yes. Yeah, it was definitely attached to him.

But yeah, I love meepal. Shout to people. Shout out to meepal. Rest and peace. RIP. And my grandpa. I thought this was kind of cute. Hey, Hannah.

He does. Love you guys. Huge fan. So when I rescued my dog, he was two. He came from a kill shelter. So he was very... very scared of everything when I first got him. And on the second day that I had him, he gets bit by a bug, goes into animalactic shock and almost dies. So, you know, he spends a couple days in the

animal hospital. And when I go to pick him up, I'm sitting in the waiting room. It's supposed to be this beautiful moment. You know, we're reunited. He comes out. And because I had him for less than two days and this dog had so much emotional baggage, he has no idea who I am. He's terrified of me, will not come to me he is running i'm chasing this dog in front of a room full of people he's hiding under chairs it was so embarrassing i was like i swear don't abuse a dog i literally just got him i said i'm the way home i said to this dog i just spent $3,000 to save your life again and you're going to embarrass me like that uh-uh soog she's like a mixed accent it was like a it was like a long island yeah i loved it it was amazing i i i i know the feeling

yeah well yeah when we foster foster you just said forced look if i'm talking to someone like that that's how i talk i'm respecting her energy all right um but yeah it's crazy the thing is most dogs you can literally just wait i forgot to tell the story i was like what it's going on You got distracted by the Forster. Okay, so this reminds me of a fact, which is most dogs, like, you can steal. Like, if a dog sees you, like, a dog will love you. That's not the story you were going to tell. I was going to tell this story.

Okay. Are we talking about the same story? I guess not. What story you tell me? Well, no, you tell your story, sorry. Oh, just how literally two days ago, I'm in the sunroom. And Des is, like, talking to. something on the ground and I'm assuming it's butter but he's not talking to her how he should talk

to butter he's like come on come over here come here yeah come here oh not over there come here get some water I'm like why are you talking to her like that like that's not how you talk to butter first of all she won't listen to you second of all stop talking her like that then I look over and there's this little gray thing in the house I'm like what the hell is this and it's a little dog with no collar and I just start laughing hysterically and this dog is having the time of his life just like, I have a new house. Her. We didn't know at the time, but we're petting her.

And then eventually her owner comes and it's like, oh. I went to the neighbor and said, do you have a terrier? And he was like, oh, did she wander over to your house? But I'd never met him, which was a bonus. Yeah, but I joke that even there was a thing in Williamsburg where dogs were just getting snatched left and right. And these dogs are happy. They're like, oh, new friends where like a cat would like slit their wrist if someone

else took them. The cat would adapt to, just not as fast. How long would butter take to it? But butter, yeah, but butter is not a normal cat. She's amazing. Yeah, but like, butter's, no, I was going to tell the story, which is a little more relevant to this, about moo-moo. Oh, my God. We fall to the dog called Little Mama, but we called her Mummo because she had like a cow's, she had like a cow's coat, a black and white spotty coat, but she was very nervous, like an incredibly nervous dog.

And we had her for quite a long time. She was abused when she was growing up. She never truly got comfortable. She took a long time. And the people, incidentally, the people that adopted her did contact me like a year later and said that it took a long time, but she really is great now. But only with them. Only with them.

And I've seen pictures of her very happy and like you wouldn't, you wouldn't recognize her. But yeah, like she would have, if we had gone to pick her up from the vet, she would be having none of it. Yeah. None of it. Yeah. Do you want to tell them about the one day that you were trying to go into the city? Yeah, well, she ran away.

Well, she didn't run away per se, but she got out. She got out. And she, she, I just, I just couldn't get the leash on her. Yeah. No matter how close, no matter how close, I would get her close with treats. Uh-huh. But the minute I moved my hand, she ran away. But she was like almost having fun, like she was kind of playing with us.

And we were in this like cul-de-sac. And Des had to go into the city, but you didn't tell me why, looking back now oh that's right i forgot it was because i was going to pick up your engagement you were going to get my engagement ring i forgot about that far and i and you were like being so weird we're like i got to go into city and i'm like why is he to go into the city and then in my head i'm like maybe it's her ring and then in my head i'm like oh no does he think that the universe is trying to tell him to not go into the city to get a ring i didn't listen but she ended up yeah we ended up getting her well yeah because i some she she went through my neighbor's house

but the neighbors, this is going to sound very privileged, but the neighbors had a dock and she stupidly went on to the dock and then I finally, I cornered her. But I feel like there was, was this something in the, I feel like she got afraid of something else. There were swans. That's what it was. She got nervous of the swans.

She was like, I'll go with these people that have been feeding me. It was a full Nat Geo situation. But yeah, I do highly recommend for people to watch the documentary called, is it called Champions? about Michael. What, the Michael Vick one? It was incredible about just these dogs that were in the fighting club.

I guess it's not a club. Well, yeah, I mean, they're all his dogs. But how they all just, they're not bad dogs, they needed therapy, they were really scared of stares and people, and they were so traumatized, but how these dogs overcame these, like, emotional abuse after that, so they didn't have to put all them down. Yeah, it's very pro-pit bull propaganda.

that just so you know, we're pro-pip-po people. But I am very pro-pit bull with a caveat. Yeah. Which is, I think you need to be a extremely responsible owner when you have a pit bull. I think that you can wax lyrical all day about how pit bulls are the most amazing animals and they are amazing animals,

but they are stronger and a lot of them do come from traumatized background. So you need to be very responsible. If your pit bull doesn't get along with other dogs, you cannot have them near other dogs. Yeah, you can't be going to the dog park. A lot of people people go to dog parks, it's like, by the way,

nobody that we've ever dealt with in positions of responsibility around dogs, people who work in the shelter, I'm not going to say nobody, but the majority of people that I've dealt with in the shelter world have said they don't love dog parks and they definitely don't like them

for rescue pit bulls. So just keep that in mind. Anyway, we've strayed. We've strayed. Some obsessed with Osea, page put me on to it i use the under eye roller every morning it's so nice it smells so good it smells like a spa and there undaria algae body oil smells like summer with uplifting notes of mango mandarin grapefruit lime and cypress it's so fresh and really smells like you're at the most

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Your cat will love it, but I love so free cat toys. That's pretty litter.com slash burn. Use code burn to save 20% off and get a free cat toy. Pretty litter.com slash burn. Code burn, terms and conditions apply. See site for details. Let's go for a cat one. Hi, Hannah and Des. So this is my fresh cat trauma. So last week, my cat was so sick, like, peeing and pooping, truly everywhere outside of her litter box to the point that I was sure that I was going to take her to the vet. And they were going to tell me that she's got some sort of rare bladder or stomach cancer and has like three weeks to live. So I take her to the vet. And $400 of testing later, they call me on Friday. And they were like, hey, so everything's actually totally fine. We think she's just

stressed. Stressed about what? She gets treats every morning and sleeps 18 hours a day and has no concept of what is going on, you know, politically in this country, with the economy financially, would love to know what she's stressed about. So now I have to force feed her anti-diaretic pills twice a day, which surely can't be good for her stress. Anyways, she's a brat, but we'd do it again to know she's healthy.

it's cat brack girl summer wait that was so funny um cats do if they're mad at something they do communicate by like yeah but but to poop and pee everywhere in the house like that cat is trying to tell you something cat's a bitch but something must have happened something but she doesn't know maybe you know what maybe she's stressed about the state of the economy and the world in politics and the cats picking up on the energy the cat's being like yo you know what you need to do you need to piss and shit everywhere. Release some stress. Release some tension.

The only time butter ever pooped, not in her litter box, not butter, this was pre-butter, Trixie, who yes, is kind of sounds like a stripper. She was iconic.

When I went to college, she would go in my room to poop because she was mad. I wasn't there. But butter, butter was prone to peeing. She'd pee in the laundry

if when I had a couple too many weekends that I was gone. Yeah. To make money, trying to make money for the family. She peed quite a bit in West Hampton also

so yeah she's she can be a peer when she's pissed but not lately yeah thank God I mean this is hilarious but you know what could it be though like what could be pissing the cat off the thing is like your amateur cat psychology cats peeing is really bad because their pee does not smell like dog pee

dog pee is almost like human pee you're like oh it smells bad cat pee it's game over like it's so strong no it's diabolical I would sometimes Something's definitely not going on, going, yeah. Something's not right.

Something's not right. I'm going to say something and I think most people will agree. Pooh is more disgusting than pee, but I'll, I want to, if a dog's going to make an accident in the house, I want it to be poo. You know, I have something actually, because Misty at one point was not pooping in her litter box and they switched the kind of litter and now she's perfect. So I think actually, now that I've, you know. done my due diligence in my head this cat might for some reason have decided she doesn't like

this litter anymore wow and some cats are very look at me pretending a moment i know what are you the cat whisperer here well did i tell you the story um i feel a cat litter sponsorship coming pretty litter is great but it really this is the thing it depends on your cat it's like some cats love salmon some cats love steak some cats will be very particular about things the dogs would be like that too I would change the litter 100% And then let us know When I was little I had a crazy thing happened to me

Which you could ask my dad It really happened Where we would have We had some crazy pets In Brooklyn Like we would have We had crabs for a bit Crabbs

Was it crabs? What? I think it was We had crabs Like you got a little terranium With like little crabs Wow I never heard of that And there was I think

Sure there weren't turtles I think it was crabs it was something like with school we were taking care of these crabs it was like a science thing and then i really liked goldfish so i'd get goldfish and this one goldfish i wake up in the morning and it's floating dead so my dad was like it's dead so then i put on this doctor outfit and put on my mom's like um gloves to clean plates and there's a photo of me like it really happened i put on a mask I had one of those like heartbeat things that you put whatever and I took I was like I'm gonna save this this fish and my dad's like okay crazy and I took the fish and I put it in the in the

kitchen and I was singing to it I don't know what I was doing but it wasn't technical I was singing to it I think and then I put it back in the water and it became alive again and my dad was freaked out like very freaked out so um I brought a fish back to life when I was little wow I didn't know that I had married the Messiah. No, like my dad to this day is freaked out about it. The dog, the, the, the, unless he was playing dead, which I don't think fish can do. Well, I think the fish was chilling. And then you took the fish out of the bowl.

And like, fucking gave it the most horrible experience. Like, fucking let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Okay. The catfish is like, please, we back. Yeah, like I'm dying here. I'm dying here.

Or something happened, no. We put it in the toilet to flush it and it started swimming. Wow. Something happened. Like, actually, I don't remember. Anyway, that's good. That was a good one. Thanks.

Here we go. Hi, Des and Hannah. Love the podcast. My funniest pet story is actually my boyfriends. So before we moved in together, he had a dog, which was about seven months old, hadn't been neutered yet. So he was kind of asserting his dominance wherever he could. One day, my boyfriend decided to take a nap, lasted about an hour and a half to two hours before he was abruptly awoken by the dog who was straddling over him, pissing on his back.

So I wasn't there to see it, but the way that my boyfriend put it was that he had to kind of reverse crab walk to try and get to the bathroom to dump the pee off so he didn't dump it on his bed because no one likes doing laundry. And yeah, so as you can imagine, he was pissed at the time. sorry Hannah for the pun but funny story now and now the puppy he's all grown up four years later and he is the sweetest boy in the world so yeah hilarious

well this is a beautiful story of a man finally having to experience what it's like for a woman after sex to go to the bathroom to try not to get the stuff on your back to drip yeah men actually know about that

we just we yeah Men know the experience, but it's just... On your back? Not on the back, but we know the experience of not wanting it to drip off. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but not walking like a crab. No, but you have to still go on your stomach.

You have to fucking slide off the bed. Okay, graphic. Sorry. Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, I also think there's something about me where, like, dogs love my... Rige. Yeah. I mean, generally, dogs like to sniff people's genitals.

Yeah. I don't know if it's called, I think because I get sweaty in my thigh areas. I think it's universal. I don't think you have like a special. A particularly pheromonic of a JJ. I just, I joke that like whenever I see a dog walker, I'm like, okay, it's going to be a meet and greet. Sniff and go, sniff and go. Scratch and sniff.

Scratch a sniff. This is absurd. I'll play it. So I was out walking my dog one day, and there was a bunch of kids playing nearby, and my dog thought it would be a fantastic idea to play a little game called steal the youngest child Yomka off of his head. So there is me chasing my dog trying to get. the Yamaka back and about a group of, say, eight children running behind me, all trying to get this poor child's yamika out of my dog's mouth. Finally, got it back, obviously covered in

slobber, had to give it back to the child, absolutely mortified. To which, about 30 seconds later, totally my fault, my dog proceeds to steal it again. And so that was absolutely mortified. also might add that running on sand is not easy so it was a great afternoon your dog is full on a bully he took his glasses threw it against the locker oh we're good i know that also like went straight for the head i think that's crazy that they would go you think it was like a frisbee It's like a bordercali Oh god

Alright let's get a cat one for Hannah Cat one for Hannah Oh this is this is crazy My funniest pet story is that my mom Shaved my cats They are long hair cats And super fluffy And her boyfriend got her a pair of pet clippers

And so it's really hot where I live and yeah so she shaved them and now they look like little lions and they look really bedraggled and ugly and uneven but my phone locked me out oopsies anyways love you guys does the hair grow back i've never heard of cats being shaved no i mean i've i've maybe have seen some like instagram photos where they look like a lion because they like keep around their head a little bit so they like they like poodle them yeah really no no one does that on purpose that's like if your cat had surgery or something but yeah that's crazy also I do think a lot of the time humans will be like this cat looks you know like it's it's hot or like most cats take care of themselves like they figure it out um what happened there as I was talking I thought

of another thing and then when I finished that thing I couldn't think of the thought that I thought Oh, God. There's an ADHD moment. Yeah. Sorry, I started to bring up. I didn't know that shaving cats was going to short circuit you. How to short circuit it? Get the electrician.

Oh, God. Okay, so we had numerous. Oh, I remembered. Okay. So there's this trend going around of like the cat that made me want to get a second cat. And it shows the first cat just being like the best, like, cuddling and soft. and everyone loves it and you think like maybe she could need a friend and then it shows the second cat and it's like a demon psycho and they'll joke about that

with kids too like the kid that made me want to have another kid and then they're like we're stopping that's what my Willie said the other day he was like because is it well you know I don't speak about my now that I've named him but let's just say that the second time around it was a bit more realistic so I was like I was joking because they were coming over I was like oh you know we need we need her to be on her worst behavior to show how to the reality and and he said that's her nickname reality whenever we're around kids does is like is this what you want to be like but you know she was actually adorable and then we want kids more unfortunately she's after she was so

turning into the cutest little kid ever she's so cute and funny and she like loved me you know and the kid like weirdly loves you and you're like this kid's great this kid has great taste this kid's a genius you and a both need like kids to think you're like the coolest people love And the one person I want in the room to love me is the three-year-old toddler. Yeah, you have that thing where it's like the kid needs to think I'm the coolest thing ever. Yeah, I want the kid's approval all times. I had that for a long time, but it's gone. You're a real adult.

No, I just, I got, it's tiring, man. Entertaining kids is, it's exhausting. So there was numerous ones like this. So I'll do them like in a series. Okay, so I'm sure you'll give a, thousand of these um by the way hey love you both thanks for everything you do um i was having sex with this guy and my friend's dog while we were in her living room on a couch this is some junior called shit and her dog came up and started humping the guy oh my god this probably

happens to so many people but that's like the only funny three-sum I've been in anyway thanks for everything love you guys so funny well the thing is

dogs will do a lot of different things during sex that one seemed like the least you know annoying yeah because we talked about the other one did we talk about the other one

we talked about the shih Tzu right I feel like we might have I think we did yeah but basically we had a Shih Tzu who was like barking and stuff and it did not

help the energy of the room. One stage the Shih Tzu, which was friends of us, we told the story, but they were licking us. She was licking and he was like, come on, it's too much. But we told the story. Sometimes dogs will just watch, and I always joke that they're like judging the doggy technique. Yeah, that's my style. That was it.

Yeah, really, you could do better. You could bet your knees a little more. But I do think that, you know, I have no problem with the animal being in the room. But I can't hit him when the animal wants to get involved. Like Abby, Abby tries to get involved. Well, Abby gets jealous. Yeah. When I touch you, if I hug you, she gets jealous.

All dogs do that. All dogs go like that. We're a wonderful pistachios household. We certainly are. We have like one packet left. But they've been a big hit. They've been a big hit. With us and with everybody that visits.

And they've literally come out of their shells. Same delicious taste, but with a little less work, less cracking, more snacking. Honestly, it's dangerous because they don't have shells, so you can just take a handful and throw it in your mouth. They're very good. It's very much one of those. I'm going to have one, and then you just can't stop eating them. They have chili roasted, honey roasted, sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue, sea salt and pepper, and their newest edition, Halapeno Lime.

Which is my favorite for the record. Yes, I know you love that one, and you love a little salty sweet spice. oh snack healthy when you're on the move from dropping kids off to school we don't have kids but if we did running to meetings I'm on the move we don't have kids but if we did then all they would eat is wonderful pistachios that sounds like you're going to say the only thing they ate the convenience of wonderful pistachios would be feeding our children but I do have to say it's it's very easy to have one in my backpack so when I'm on the road I'm traveling I just get a little hangary I can have a healthy snack instead of panicking and ordering something gross on your breeds that I will regret.

Snack healthy, whether you're looking for a protein pick-me-up or a tasty late-night snack, Wonderful Pistachios, no shells, is the everyday go-to snack nut. Get snacking. Visit wonderfulpastatios.com to learn more. You know, we love talking about food here. I feel like food partnerships is my favorite thing. Let's just say our snacking game is really doing great out of this. I love chips.

Like when we go to a Mexican restaurant, I will eat all the chips. I don't care if I'm too full to eat the entree. I'm eating those chips. It's so, oh, I love chips because you could have 100 of them. But how about eating loads of chips and not having to feel bad about it? Well, that's where masa chips come into play. They have three ingredients. Organic, Niximalized corn, grass-fed and finished beef tallow, Redmond, sea salt.

That's it. No seed oils, pesticides, or any fake ingredients and toxins. Do you know why? No seed oil is a big deal? Because it's seriously bloating. And it's, it's inflammatory. Oh, two things that I don't like to do. Can't be having that.

No. Also, I know you're wondering, Hannah, what is the next demolization? Well, as women in stem, it's a traditional way of preparing tortillas by soaking them in an alkaline solution invented by the Aztecs. So this is like a throwback.

It increases the mineral content and digestibility of corn and decreases phytic acid content. All traditional cultures consumed grains, but had ways of preparing them that neutralized the inflammatory effects. So you're right, Dez. And grass-fed beef tallow is one of the most nutrient-dense foods on the planet. So I'm starting to think that I should have masa chips every day. Beef tallow is good for your skin and brain health and loaded with vitamin A, D, K, E, and fatty acids with antibacterial properties.

All chips and fries actually used to be cooked in tallow till the 80s and 90s when they switched to seed oils to save costs, but it was not healthier. I had for the bloat. Massif again is a bet between two founders that they can make their favorite snacks better by only using real healthy ingredients and no seed oils or additives. Masa is crunchier, tastier, and sturdier than other chips, and it doesn't break in your guac.

Go to Mossachips.com, and you could get them on Amazon, every market, simply protein, plenty places online. And guess what? For all my listeners, you can score 20% off with the first order with code burn. Just head to Masa Chips, M-A-C-chips.com. and use code burn at checkout.

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just, you know, different things that sort of click on when I turn on my computer. Clean My MacX knows to stop that being triggered. You have no idea how much my computer is performing better now since I've been on Clean My MacX. See, Hannah and I, we do loads of videos, huge files, but often I'll make a slight mistake or I'll re-save a file. I don't even realize I've saved the same video three, four times, V1, V2, V3 files. I didn't know that everybody was doing that. I thought I was just the unorganized one.

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One word, burner phone, B-E-R-N-E-R-N-E-R-P-H-O-N-E. Don't miss out on optimizing your Mac for better performance. Okay, so to continue in the theme. Hi, Hannah and Des. My funniest pet story is when I was giving my boyfriend, friend a little hand job and my under the blanket and my cat cheddar thought we were playing blanket monster and started jumping on my boyfriend's dick and like not funny for him but I die every time I think about that so yeah that is so funny because we know about that

Like, you move your foot in the blanket. Like, ah! It's hilarious. Because I was about to say cats are great. Like, cats will just, like, you'll finish sex. And then a cat will slowly walk out from under the bed, just, like, disgusted by what just happened. Totally judging.

And you're like, I'm so sorry. That was so embarrassing. I didn't know you were here. And they're just like, whatever. But that's hilarious that the cat gun involved. Also, hilarious that were giving hand jobs. You know, I think she's younger than us, you even, and also, then it's probably an older story for her too, I feel. I feel like that's from like back in the day.

Maybe. I never knew how to give a hand job. I mean, there's not that much to it, you know? I just always felt like he could do it better. So why would I do something not as good? Ah, you know, it's just nice to have somebody else do it. No, it just feels. It feels somebody else's hand.

It feels better, even though it takes longer. But it's the same, you know, it's the same, the other way around. I'm not getting into it. I took about hand jobs. Hand jobs was so exciting when you were like at the handjob age, though. It was the best. Because it was just like a thing, right? When you're like a teenager, it's like, you could have a handjob?

It was so exciting. Or an OTPHJ. Outside the pants handjob? Over the pants handjob. Over the pants, yeah. Yeah. Or like, you know, the dry ride, as they call it, New Island. Is it so cute? What do you call the dry ride?

Dry humping. Dry humping. Isn't it so cute? Like, yeah, how exciting. It shows how like more is not always better. Oh, I agree. Like, even just like kissing was so cute. And you have all these other things to worry about when things were just simpler.

Yeah. Which reminds me of a tweet I wrote earlier this week that made me laugh because I laugh at my own jokes. other time because you can't depend on other people too where I said I miss when the thing you were most scared of when you were little was burning your eyes out with shampoo which was a big deal it was like torture and it's amazing how I never think about that anymore in fact I feel like whenever you're in the tub it was like whatever we do don't scorch your eyes out when I think about how frightened I was of getting shampoo in my eyes

I fell down a full mountain and I wasn't really that concerned but the thought of having shampoo in my eyes when I was three four you're like this is where it ends I thought it was going to be more of a problem growing up

yeah or there'd be at least lingering after effects like oh that kick guy shampoo in his eyes when he was two it's like what happened to that guy opened his eyes opened his eyes in the bath did your father have a have like something he said when he was rinsing your hair

father or mother I feel like my mom like sang something maybe my dad would always say bombs away and then it would be like we'd be in the bath and we'd be like it's time for bombs away it's like that became our thing it's very cute yeah happy little child a little violent bombs you know a lot of things that are a lot of things that are considered violent today weren't considered. Are you kidding? Our cousins, our older cousins used to go, I like your heinie.

It's very shiny. You better hide it before I buy it. And then we'd run away. It's just like a different time. It's a different time. You know? I mean, ring around the rosy is literally about death. Yeah. So, you know, it was a violent time. This one, I feel like

this is something you would do. So I basically acquired my family cat because it was my sister's cat that she found in a bush and then my sister went to college and lived in a dorm and my mom moved out of the country and couldn't take the cat with her. But we found out that my sister actually did not find the cat in a bush. And when she was a senior in high school, some kid in her math classes, cats who were siblings, made it and had this litter of kittens. And my sister thought they were cute. So she went over to this random kid's house, picked out her cat, which is now my cat. And

then put her in a bush outside of my house and was like, oh my god, mom, I found this cat outside of the house in a bush. We like have to keep it. We have to rescue it. And then she couldn't take care of it, had to go to college. And so I acquired the cat. She is a product of incest, but she is perfect in every single way, shape, and form. And I love her so much and would not trade her for anything. Aw. Well, yeah, if you believe conspiracy theories about me you would think that's something I would do but it's not any cat that I've gotten I kept the cat was name was Joffrey also I love that the girl was like I have a plan I mean it's pretty sinister that was so real she didn't even have to do it like that either I mean I guess they

would have been like take the cat back but instead she was like this was faith I found this I found this kitten that needs us they do say the cats choose you a lot of the time. I mean, that's what happened with us during COVID. My parents, you know, they have three cats. Willie, Harry. They have four cats. Four cats.

Clyde and Muffy, but her full name is Muffin Ravioli, Burner. And she, my nana had an outdoor cat that had three kittens that were just like being left around everywhere. and I was like mom we have to take these cats but my dad was like not about it so we waited for my dad to have like a good day I think he was coming back from golf and he was like really happy and we were like dad can we just like have taken three cats and he was like yeah whatever and then he just went with it's literally the story of how it happened by the way your grandmother really it was a feral cat that your grandmother was feeding yes yes as in like it wasn't just an outdoor cat yeah it was a feral cat that was literally had so many babies was hit by car cars this girl went through a lot sweetie she called her shout out sweetie rest in peace only recently only recently they were afraid to tell me about it oh that's right

no one told me and then they told me they were like we didn't want to upset you and I'm like what now I'm more upset because I feel like something was coming up or something that they were worried about oh yeah I had some I think I was like filming the special or something there was some event that they were worried about you finding out imagine I find out that sweetie died

and I'm like, I can't shoot this special. I once waited for my mom to go on vacation to break up with a guy. What? Because if she was around, she would have been upset. Oh, because your mother would have been upset. Yeah. Oh, so you want her to enjoy her vacation?

Yeah. Wow, very selfless of you. I know. All right, let's go for one or two more. So there's one, I want to ask you this before, because I wasn't going to play it out. I was going to do it in the playout. There's a three-part.

story. Oh. It's pretty intense. I was just going to play it out. Do you want to hear it or do you want it to just play out? Well, you know the story, so it's up to you. Let's just say it's, it's, it's kind of a horror story for a pet thing, but it's kind of wild. Okay, let's play it. Wow. It's three, it's in three messages. It's our first three-parter. Okay, let's just do it. We could have heard it by now. Okay. I'm just telling you. Just giving you a warning. Okay. So, When I was about 10, I was visiting my grandparents in the summer, and they took me to Petco to get a hamster. And I feel like everyone has a bad hamster story, but mine could be maybe the worst. And as we were walking out to the car with this new hamster, I was so excited.

I opened the little box and reached my hand in to pet my new furry friend. It bit me and latched onto my finger so hard that I flung. it across the car it hit the window rolled or like fell down went under our seats we couldn't get it out my grandpa was freaking out they should have really been the first sign that this was a bad idea he ended up finding the hamster getting it back into um the box and then when it came time for my grandparents to take me back to my parents house five hours away um that's part one da da Okay, and to continue the story about the hamster, so we were driving about five, six hours back to my parents' house with this new hamster I was so excited about, and we're driving along. It's maybe about an hour or two into the trip, and I started screaming, like screaming bloody murder. My grandma quickly pulls over and is like, what, what's going on? And I'm just screaming my head off. My hamster's dying. My hamster's dying. There's blood everywhere. She looks in, and there's like seven new baby hamsters crawling around.

Ah, this was bad. This was really bad. So we didn't really have a choice but to like keep driving with these little hamsters. And not only did my grandparents surprise my parents with one hamster, but I got like nine. And the story actually continues to get worse. So one day I'm showering. You ready for part three? the cliffhanger. This is like

Game of Thrones. You ready for episode three? Okay, hi, sorry, hamster girl again. So anyway, I was showering and I was like 10 or 11 came back into my room after showering and once again, see blood all over in this hamster cage. Start screaming

my head off. My mom runs in. What is it? The baby hamsters are eating each other. Eating each other. alive. I saw brains and guts everywhere. Well, we didn't know that if you have hamsters or a hamster and has babies, you're supposed to separate the babies by their genders. Um, so they don't eat each other apparently. Like, what the fuck? Who would have ever thought about that? So my mom took these little hamsters back to Petco and basically told them like, what is going on? Like, why would you ever saw my daughter a pregnant hamster? And they're like, yeah, sorry, we didn't know. Mind you, this is a

different pet co but my mom was kind of being Karen and what they said was that these hamsters were dwarf hamsters they're for experience unfortunately there was no part four so we don't even know how long this tail goes no I mean that's pretty much the end of the tail

but this is the thing I've heard nightmare stories about hamsters like not always the hamster's fault like just because they're like small and yeah I've heard hamsters melting I've heard about hamsters getting stuck in things.

We had a rabbit because my friend's little sister got a rabbit and then she didn't want it anymore. So we took it. The rabbit's name was Hopselot, the favorite bunny. And we took the rabbit. And I loved this little rabbit. I was like carrying the rabbit. I took the rabbit one day to my brother's soccer practice.

Rabbit peed on me, but I didn't care. I just thought this rabbit was so cool. But I just thought it was great to let the rabbit run around the garden. Yeah. But one day, unattended, the rabbit disappeared. and I'm not going to lie, I blame the Greek family up the road because they eat rabbit, but I really, I really think that it was my own, I think it was my own negligence. Yeah, you left the rabbit.

The rabbit ran away. The rabbit got out. No, the rabbit didn't go out. You left it in the garden to run around. I got out of the guard, you know. I mean, it was fenced. Were you upset? Yeah, I was, I was upset.

I liked hops a lot, the favorite bunny. I particularly like saying his name. And it didn't have a nickname. She was, that little thing was cute, man. But, you know, I feel like pets like that, they never stick around. I know.

Every time I see a bunny, I want it. The hamster people, hamster people always funny because they're little, the little bottles and the wheels. Yeah. It's not a great life. I don't feel like it's ideal.

No, I feel like it's, it's not a great pet. I mean, also the cannibalism. Well, I wasn't, I didn't see that coming. I didn't see that coming. I didn't, it took a twist. Yeah.

I didn't see it being an Argentinian rugby team. The hamster version of Alive. But anyway, do you not know that story? You do. They got trapped somewhere? Yeah, they're plane crashed. Yeah. But they also didn't, they weren't eating each other alive.

I didn't see the documentary, but I would like to. It exists, actually. We should watch it after this. There's a documentary. Aidan said he watched it. I would like to watch it. But, you know, they got a really hard time afterwards because people like, did you eat a human? but like they were dead they didn't kill people to eat them yeah they were dead and they were

frozen and they ate the meat to stay alive and i got no problem with that i know i didn't think we were going to get into cannibalism in this episode you never know where it's gonna take a turn you just never know where it's gonna go you know um i mean that's really it you know that's that's amazing i think i think the little dialers did great and it because you know some was light some was a little dark we got a wide range of everything i mean i wrote down basset hound trapped winds so i think we got to play that before we go hi hannah does oh my god i am so perfect for this prompt okay so i have three dogs two are bloodhounds and one's a basset hound but the basset hound um is a little different than the others like he has no hair on his stomach and that's just like the way he was born it's fine anyways

when he was a puppy i had to take him to the vet because he like got so bloated like he looked like he had swallowed a giant balloon or someone like took him to the vet. I had to pay $400 for an x-ray just to find out that my dog is too scared to burp or fart. And so I had to sit there rubbing his belly until he will burp or fart now. And he's four years old and I still have to do this until he finally lets out the little of gas. Anyway, so $400 later and a cute bass at hound That's what I do That's so weird

She has to burp her fucking dogs That's so cute It does remind me of on Instagram There's a lot of videos of dogs Who get afraid of things Like they're too afraid to walk by cats Oh yes And the owners have to sing a song

Like he's so brave He's the bravest dog Who I ever live He's so brave And then the dog like tries to walk I knew this one dog who I guess slipped once on like the tile floor so we like refused to walk on the tile floor but like to get anywhere he had to go on the tile floor so it was like this whole thing yes and uh numerous

dogs that we fostered excuse me afraid of stairs well yes but uh like um inflatable things in pools oh drive them crazy oh like a pink flamingo that neighbor you know when you're walking over the walkway they had like a pink flamingo in the in the pool and go insane insane because they're like is that a real flamingo and and Flynn used to go insane with the the TV reflection in the window oh yeah the TV wouldn't drive Flynn crazy do you know what do Flynn crazy uh traffic lights oh yeah he hated traffic lights I hated traffic lights and when the first day I was bringing him back he was fucking growling and I didn't know why I thought the fucking I thought this pit bull was about to kill me yeah 90 pit bull in my past you see he just was like I hate he was just fucking red lights it's real new yorker real new yorker the fucking red light man fuck only red lights he was places go people to see you guys thank you so much this was such a fun episode if you're enjoying burner phone tell your friends rate subscribe reviews swipe up give us your first born i put a new york city show on sale oh yeah it's september 28th grammercy theater yes hurry up's nearly sold out

actually. Yes. And I'm in Philadelphia on Sunday. I added a Philadelphia show. So it's on Sunday. Awesome. And I wrote a book with Paige called How to Giggle. And it's available for pre-sale.

Get it now. And tickets to our shows, there's a couple tickets left for the fall tour. For the Giggly Tour. For the Giggly Tour. And maybe, I don't know. Maybe I don't know. Maybe you're soon going to announce some work and progress shows. Oh, yeah.

I have to progress my work. Which is going to be exciting. New material shows. I can't wait. We love you guys so much, and thanks for calling in. Peace. Bye. I've never done one of these before, but this literally just happened.

I was driving back from the beach, back to the city with my husband and baby and two dogs. We took them to a beach that allowed dogs. One of my dogs, my Golden Achiever, drank a lot of salt water. We were all in the same car, and we literally pull in the driveway home, and he shits diarrhea all over the seat. And right next to the baby. some on the baby. We're listening to Giggly Squad. And every time, this is the only funny part of the story because it was horrifying,

cleaning the car. A funny part was that my baby was sleeping the whole way home and this always happens. But every time Hannah yells on Giggly Squad, it wakes my baby up and I crack up hysterically. So every time she gets excited, it just, so that was the funny part because that happened and then you shit. So yeah, that's my funny pet story. So I have a German short-haired pointer, a GSP. And if you know, you know. But one day when she was a puppy, my property manager didn't realize she was in the backyard and left the gate open when he was showing the unit below. So she got out. I got a call that I had to come pick her up from the pound, but she had a summons at the police station. So fast forward a couple months. I forgot that I had to go to court. for my dog. And I work for the courts. I work with the sheriff's department. And I'm driving

around. I get pulled over because my registration was expired for the month, whatever. Deal with that another time. And I was told by the officer, you have a warrant for your arrest. And I have never been so terrified and laughed at the same time because how is it that there's a dog at large ticket. Hi, Hannan does. Love the Pod. My funny pet story happened about a month ago. We were traveling and pulled off at a hotel, and our puppy chocolate lab stuck his nose into my duffel bag and took my freshly used underwear. So I went and told my fiancé and my family that was with me at the time. They said, he didn't eat it. Go find it. It's in the hotel room. So we stripped the bed, looked under the bed all around. He was like, no, I'm telling you. He's

telling you he swallowed them. And so we ran into the nearest pharmacy to get hydrogen peroxide and had to induce vomiting. And I took him for a walk and he yacked up my used thong on the sidewalk in front of our hotel, to which I had to scrape up into a poop bed to throw away. And yeah, that is my story. So 12 years ago, I was living in a tiny apartment in Chelsea with my two roommates and my cat, Elvis Pursley. My best friend was dog sitting, her boyfriend's brother's chihuahua. We decided that the cat and the dog needed to meet, the dumbest idea ever. She came over, brought the chihuahua, put him on the floor so they could meet.

By the way, every animal's okay at the end of the story. They got into a scuffle. My cat levitated into the kitchen, made a sound from the pits of hell. we were, like, so concerned about the cat. And then we look down and see that the Tuawa is, like, walking in circles with blood splurting out of its neck. So my cat hit him in the jugular. If we rushed him over to the vet, we learned on the way to the vet that the dog's jugular healed because my cat just straight jug punched him.

He didn't even scratch him. It healed on the way over to the vet. That's how clean of a jug punch. That's the day that we learned that my cat was an assassin. Dog got some antibiotics. Everybody's fine. You know, Hey,