Berner Phone - Berner Phone #53: The Best Excuses

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

What if we all stopped trying to make excuses and just said no? The moral of today's episode is "if it's not a fuck yes it's a no".    zocdoc.com/berner  Get 25% Daily Synbiotic at seed.com/bern with code 25BERN 20% off better hydration at liquid-iv.com with code BERN 15% off bedding at bollandbranch.com/bern  25% off shaving needs at shopflamingo.com/berner with code BERNER 10% modern bidets at hellotushy.com with code BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? Yes, it was my birthday yesterday. I know you all put it in your calendar. We celebrated. We went to dinner.

Yes. I'm 33. No one cares. Yeah, well, listen, as you get older, your birthday's become less important. Some astrology girlies said 33's lucky, so keep an eye out. You try to hold on to, like, a lot of dates. I do see 11-11 a lot, and I think... You know what you do?

What? You try to bring up the day that we met, like, as if that's, like, still a day. I think the day we met is more exciting than the day, like, we got engaged and married. You know, when you get married, that's sort of like all those other things. the ones just get pushed away i think july 11th 2020 july 11 2020 yeah yeah four years four years anyway your birthday we had a great time you're 33 now and now we move on you're properly into your 30s it's not a birthday week it's not a birthday month it was your birthday we move on mid mid 30s are just like it's just a happy place to be for quite a long time oh you're not close to an age where you're

starting to think like holy shit i'm going to be 40 yeah you know you're you're you're you're enough away from 30 where you've gotten over the whole like i can't believe i'm 30 now but what i love about being in my 30s is it's much easier to say no to things to get out of plans i feel like in your 20s obviously you're younger and you succumb to peer pressure but there's also like you're single um you feel like life is short and and this is the time to do everything and you get fomo and then you turn 30 and you're just like look no thank you well yeah you just realized that you don't owe everything to everybody and some of us realize you know our best nights are not always the nights that we're you know forced to go out to and wait in lines and places oh yeah I mean I think I was 25 by the time I realized

I wasn't into the lines you know I still have that but the difference is now that I deal with that at like 7.30 in the morning where I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm going to the other coffee shop. I'm not waiting in line. There's no way that coffee is good enough. Yeah, me and I have to get myself in the mind space to take a shot.

It's when I'm taking a green juice immunity shot because I'm afraid that my sinuses are flaring up. That's how crazy we get right now. I'm also aware that you were trying to do like a smooth segue there. You know, the segue kind of just came to me and I went into it. And it was good, but then we didn't actually get into

what you were segweying into, which is this week's. This week's prompt is what are some of your best excuses to get out of situations? And I'm not going to lie. I ask this very selfishly because I don't feel like I'm not good at saying no to things. I'm not good at just saying no. I have to come up with a good excuse. Yes.

And then I fear that I've come up with too good of an excuse that they know I'm lying. One thing I like about you is you're very good at boundaries. You're very good at just being like, no. Well, it's not so much that I'm good at boundaries. It's just, I know that actually not going to something is not a big deal. The people that make it a big deal, like make it feel like you should have been there. Not your real friends. Not the people I want in my life.

Not saying that's not my real fight. Cut them out. Cut them. Cut them. Well, that's what I say, why Paige and I have been friends for so long because we constantly love when each other cancels plans. Like, it's almost like a present when we set something up and then we go, hey we're not doing it i don't want anyone to do anything that they don't aren't excited to do

but that's where when you have two people pleasers you get in trouble because they're like i thought you wanted to go and you're like i thought you wanted to go and it's like but you were gonna go i do feel when we first met that you you you were a bit more inclined to feel obligated to go to things oh for sure like you were like i have to go to this oh like in my own life yeah yes i feel like that has shifted fairly, but also you've gotten busier, so you realize like, oh my God, wait a minute, if I keep going to things because other people think I should go, then I literally have no time to myself. Well, the one thing about being a stand-up comedian is you do get fulfilled socially by going to the club at night because, you know, you see your friends, you're on stage, you're socializing

with strangers. It's kind of like a heroin dose of socializing when you go and do stand-up. So then you're kind of fulfilled. You can't go to dinners. You can't go to birthdays because you're working. Yes. But we do love a brunch. We're big brunch people. Big brunch people. So I wanted to call the little dialers up to be like, what are some good excuses?

Because I don't know about you. Or funny stories about excuse fails. Excuses gone wrong. Yes. Some excuses I know from my friends in my life, sinus infection. Sinus infection. Great excuse. Wow, that didn't come up.

Great excuse. Because it's like no one's. worried about you but they're also like yeah that sucks for some reason people if you say migraine people are like okay dramatic but if you say sinus infection they're like oof hate those i have to be honest i know migraines are really hard i know they're really tough but i have only believed somebody's migraine excuse about 10% of the time of my life if i know it's somebody that really does suffer from migraines but when i this is i'm going to out myself here when i hear somebody say they have a migraine i think they're full of shit and i know i'm probably not right all the time

but i'm pretty sure i'm right some of the time right when i hear someone have a migraine i always go good for them good for them they got one over it's like when you're a comedian and you want this is very niche but you see a lineup and you want to go early in the lineup and you go hey i have a show later the other people are like shit i can't say and lie i have a show later because that person did that's i feel about migraines they go oh sarah can't go she has a migraine i'm like she got there She got the migraine. She got the migraine excuse before me. So I've used a lot of excuses and a lot of them came up in the prompts.

What are your favorites? Well, I'm going to say one that didn't come up in the prompts and then later on I'll throw in my two cents on things that are similar. But this one is unique. And this is an excuse that was true but not true on the moment that I used. Do you know these types of excuses? So as you know. You feel less guilty because you're like, it's a half lie.

As you know, perhaps mid-September, about five or six years ago, before I met you, but I told you this story, I had a deer incident. I crashed into a deer. A deer ran in front of my car during mating season, and it actually damaged my car quite a bit, but not to the point where I couldn't drive the car. So obviously, I took some pictures, you know, to have evidence. And then the following night, I had shows at New York Comedy Club. I might as well just, I'm actually now coming clean to New York Comedy Club. I've never told them this. Oh, this is going to come back to haunt you.

The following night, I had a show at New York Comedy Club. And I hadn't posted anything about the car or anything. It was just a private incident where I hit a deer. So I text the booker and I said, hey, I can't make it in. I just crashed into a deer because it was only like two hours before my spot. So I said, I just crashed into a deer. And then I posted on Instagram, just crashed into a deer with the picture of the car. Because it was actual real damage on my car.

And, of course, everyone was like, oh, hope you're okay. And it was like, it was all genuine concern because I really did hit a deer. It just was 20, well, it was about 18 hours after the incident that I posted as if it just happened. We found out yesterday that dears are so crazy during mating season running into cars, not because they're like. No, we didn't, I'm just assuming that. I know. We're assuming that it's not because they're like chasing each other flirting. It's because the girls are running away from the boys.

From the bucks. Then they're like, they'd rather get hit by a car than have to deal with one of these bucks. there's no foreplay they're having an awkward conversation honestly let this car take me out so you you and the bdre both were like thank you so do you uh do you have an excuse that you can think of i'll go to i'll go to the proms people always say that you could tell someone's lying when they get too detailed like if someone texts you with the whole fucking story i'm like okay i don't believe this but one thing that i find works and you don't feel bad is when you keep very general because you're like not lying and if you're just like hey a family thing came up

because then it's like you put it on them where they feel awkward to ask and they can assume whatever they want to assume meanwhile it's like I'm on the full of my mom but a family thing came up is in the migraine category for me yes I know that's a lie but I don't use it a lot but in my mind I always go hey you could have just told me I'm not in the mood and I would have been fine with it See, when I hear someone say a family thing came up, I'm always like, it could be so many fucking things. Also, in school back in the day or like any like male boss situation, you just say, I have like a girl problem.

So like that's not saying anything, but they immediately are like, yep, whatever you need. Take the month off if you need. I support you. You know, let me know if you need anything. And you're like, it's a girl thing. well here's one that you've definitely used probably honestly hey hannah hey does love you guys

so uh one time i was on the expressway i'm going home i live downtown at the time i'm speeding on the expressway obviously i'm getting pulled over um stupid i was 21 and um but anyways i'm freaking out because my tax are expired um i just had a bunch of stuff going on so the cop starts walking up to my door and i notice i'm like oh he's like old he's dossile looking like the vibes immediately were not intimidation of was not intimidated so i literally looked at this man i was like sir i'm so sorry i have explosive diarrhea and it's literally about to come out and he looked at me so stunned um and he didn't know what to say and he was literally just like don't speed go and i was like okay so um and also i looked like shit that day so i had to come up

with an excuse because my pretty privilege was not going to get it but he yeah was great i got out of a ticket because I'm a liar. Oh my God. That's hilarious and amazing. I just want to say that diarrhea was probably our number one excuse. That's amazing. I should use it more considering I struggle. I would say that diarrhea perhaps is the best excuse that you can use.

The problem with me is like I think it happens to me so many times that like... That you get a boy who cried wolf? Yeah. And I also don't want diarrhea. like I remember once I had this tryout at this new like tennis facility where you had to try out to train there and I was like so nervous and my dad and I got like some food beforehand and I get there and I'm like oh my god like I my stomach is killing me and the whole tryout it was like a two hour tryout was me in the bathroom coming back out and then running back in and my dad was like great job out there and they were like can you come back tomorrow because she hit two balls today but it was genuine though yeah yeah that's not an excuse yeah i know um i always think like i i can't drive but if i got pulled over i'm probably bloated because i'm bloated 80% of the time so i just be like sir i'm about to have a baby so we got to go

to the hospital i've only i've walked off stage once because of because of that i call we call it ed explosive diarrhea yeah middle of a show i just like i just had to walk off they always say that when you're on stage, your body, like, closes up. Yeah, it goes away, but this was different. This was another level. Yeah. I was also late on stage on that particular show for the same reason. To be honest, as you know, I have a bit of a problem about not showing up for shows.

I'm very much like the show must go on. But this was one night where my pride got in the way of healthy health. Also, when you've done so many shows in your career, you're bound. to shit yourself at one of them. Yeah, well, I've never done that, but I got out in time. This was early in my career. I can remember every detail of it, though.

All right, let's... That was really funny. I love her. All right, here we go. I just always say someone died. Like, the joy of having a large black family is I have multiple aunts, several of whom I don't care about cursing to an imaginary death. death. If karma were real, the world would be a very different place. And if it is, I'd gladly

trade some of my lesser aunt's deaths for knowledge of my power. So, dead relatives all the way, baby. That was Blakely. Was it? I think that was Blakely. I thought you might think it was Blakely, but I... It sounds like he has like a sinus infection, though. Right. So we think we know this man. We think it... Wait, I guess I shouldn't expose him. It's all right. Those ants would be dead by now anyway I guess it could have been I didn't I didn't recognize his voice but I did think it might be him

yeah the thing with deaths is I feel like if you do it more than once a year then it's like you start becoming super depressing so my brother Mike very big sports guy and during the summer he used to play Gaelic football up in the Bronx

was like so annoying and my mother would hate going up there so during the summer we're supposed to be out here in the hamptons he'd get a lot of guilt tripping from my mother so one time he took it upon himself to get out of it without involving my mother and called the guy and said my grandmother died as the excuse and then of course all the GAA people that by the way GAA for those I don't know is the Gallic Athletic Association's iris sports but they play it up in the north bronx all the GAA people start blowing up my mother's phone well our house phone saying, oh my God, I need, I'm so sorry about your mother.

You know? And she was like, what? So she calls John Fentzoo, what are you talking about? I said, oh, Michael called and said that your mother died. So that was one that really- Was she dead already? She wasn't dead yet. She died in 98.

This is pre-98. That's bad. Yeah, that was bad. At least pick someone who already died. Yeah. So, anyway. That's like I keep agenda. There was a death.

Yeah, there was a death in the family. I feel like if you're lying about something stupid I feel like people can always tell them lying and I feel like it's like a karmic thing that comes back to you I think that's why I use death I always say like a very close friend's father died I need to know like I always I always try to keep it what the the younger generation is trying to normalize

is being like hey I'm I need a mental break and I'm broken and destroyed and I have nothing to give and I just actually can't, don't want to go out tonight. Well, the Gen Z seemed to be comfortable with that same. Sorry, I need to take a mental health day. Yeah. They seem to be comfortable with that. There was a Larry David clip that came up on my thing about that Larry David admitted

using Richard Lewis's death as an excuse not to do the Seth Meyer show. Right? So he's on Seth Myers and he goes, did you use Richard Lewis's death as an excuse? And he was like, yeah, yeah, I did. And it was very Larry David, but I have to say there have been times, and I'm not going to say like a specific incident, but there have been times where bad things have happened that I've had to deal with, but there has been a small part of me that's been like, but I can get out of that thing now, which is actually a strange byproduct that's positive. Have you ever had that feeling? That is the lay at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, like when I got a hit with a car during tennis, my last tennis season, I was like in the crazy. easiest pressure of my senior season and I got hit by a car and I was like scared that I never walk again but then I was like but I also don't have to play Michigan State this week

I also don't have to do the workout in 20 minutes yes there's look there's like manana I also find sometimes when something you're afraid of happens then you're better at coping with it in the future and you appreciate things better yeah if we're going to talk about the use of dead people as an excuse. I recommend keeping it broad. Yes. I do agree with whoever that was that ants are good. Yes. You know, because there's like a distance to it. Yes. And if you start acting completely normal the next day, no one judges you. Yeah, nobody's like, oh God, wow, his aunt just died and he's... He's partying. Yeah. So I'm obsessed with Zoc Doc because I don't know how to get a doctor's appointment let's be honest yeah i mean zoc doc has basically made you seem like you're actually an

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Hey Hannah, hey Des. When I was in college, I had a piano final and I hadn't practiced for it at all. I was like super nervous. So the night before the test, I took my closet door and slammed it on my thumb. And it really hurt so bad, but I sent a picture of my thumb to my teacher

and I was like, sorry, I can't play piano today. And then I got to wait a week. But then I also couldn't practice because I like broke my thumb. I failed anyway. Wait, that is wild. Oopsie, poopsie. That is some gone girl shit.

Yeah. Jesus. That's some anxiety right there. Yeah. No, but like I get it. Because that sounds like a nightmare. Like a bad dream being like I have piano recital and I'm not ready for it. But I love that she was like I could have just taken the L without hurting myself.

Yeah, that was an, that was, oh, that was an audition. It was overdone. Yeah. I once in UCC in college, 1998, I had to do my dissertation presentation, and I was up all night, and I was drinking energy drinks, which were quite new on the market at the time. And by the time it was the morning, I sat up all night, I just like wasn't ready to do the presentation. So I went to the hospital, and I just said, oh, my heart.

is racing and they tested me and they said that my bloodshed sugar levels were very high and that was enough to get a letter and I didn't have to do the presentation you sneaky sneaky sneaky I did it two weeks later and health care

is free over there right? Yeah yeah it was no big deal going to the hospital I'd be afraid in America I'd be like well I don't have to do the test but I do owe $20,000 What would you prefer? Just I've gotten out of the presentation oh my god I actually so when you're playing a division one sport and you're on full scholarship you're like owned by the college so you you can't miss anything and you can't be late for anything or then they could use it against you

to like kick you off the same so your biggest fear is like I remember every now and then someone would sleep in like someone's alarm would not go off yes and it was this everyone was like calling the phone and be like oh no I remember shout out jojo she's and she was like the hardest working girl and she just like overslept one day and I remember she showed up to practice later in the day because we'd have workouts in the morning and everyone was like so scared for her like what is she going to have to do and like and she had to do like a mile like all these bad things so once i had my period and i didn't go to a class and because i wanted to sleep and my stomach was hurting and of course my alarm didn't go off so i wake up and realize i

overslept and you know when you don't you're like have asleep you're not thinking things through and I just start panicking I call my coach and I'm like hey I stayed um I had to stay late at my class but I'm coming over now and I get there and he's just like sitting at this table while everyone else is practicing and he's like can I speak to you for a second and I was like oh no and he's like I called your teacher and she said you weren't there just like got me red-handed and I was just like I'm so sorry and he's like now you have to do more running because you also lied to me. Wow.

And I was like, I was just really scared. I'm so scared right now. So that was a fun experience. You should have called him and said, I got female problems. I know. Because that was the truth. I just was fucking dying. I was like, sorry I didn't want to come and bleed all over you.

Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Also, we haven't talked about the biggest one. What? COVID. Oh, that was a good. That excuse still exists.

We joked about that before. right well people say they have COVID now I'm like get the fuck out of you got fucking guy guy fucking ran an Olympic race fuck out of here actually I think he didn't he pulled out if you have COVID that means you took a test which means you wanted to get out of something yes yes how is you gonna find out you have COVID unless you're trying to get out of something you tried to get COVID I mean come on you're try hard for COVID and we're not talking about the COVID that was you know, intense. We're talking about nowadays strain.

I had a joke during the COVID times, you know, during the COVID, like when you could do stand-up about COVID because people were still like into hearing about it. And one of the jokes was about how many people had a tickle in their throat and thought, okay, hopefully that's not COVID. I'm going to wait three days and see if anybody I know got COVID. And if they have it, I think I'm good. Or some girl would be like, you know, I actually never have had COVID because I never tested myself. Yeah, fact.

Don't get me wrong. I was a very responsible COVID person. We were very responsible. But there were times where because you have COVID paranoia, right? Yeah. Let's just say also like very recently people have got out of things because of COVID. Yeah. And it's this weird thing where it's like, do they get out of it because they have COVID?

Yeah, but also like I just feel like if I called a. If I called the comedy club two days before, like a sold-out show, and I said, hey, I have COVID, I'm sure they'd be going, what the, like, what? Well, we need a new, like, CDC guideline of, like, with this strain of COVID, is it, is it, because you can't call a comedy club, be like, hey, have a cold, I'm not doing. Yeah. Stand up tonight. Okay, Trump. No. I'm saying this strain.

this strange. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. All right, here we go. So the excuse I would always use to get out of a bad date would be I'd have my roommate call me and it'd be like, oh my God, I need to go home. Our laundry machine is overflowing and it always worked. And usually I don't want to deal with that because it's like a huge mess. But once there's this really terrible date and like, I did not know this about him, but he fixed laundry machines for a living. So he tried to come in fix my laundry machine and then I had to be like no you know what it's fine the technician's almost on the way but thank you and then proceed to unmatch him right away that's what that would happen to me that's 100% what happened to me yeah or if they knew you they'd be like you wouldn't even know if

the laundry machine was broken because you've never been in that room in your life what have you done to get out of a bad date oh out of a bad date I mean that's more of a women problem I remember one time. You're like every day's been a good date for me. No, but just like what I mean is like I feel like you're not creeped out. Yeah, like I'm just bored. Bored is the extent of my concern. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I remember one time though, like a semi, it was like before the apps, but it was definitely like just social media kind of like. And when I when I got there, I was like, oh, this was immediately a mistake. And I did feel bad, but like I eventually, I just, I remember having to. get out there just feeling bad because i was basically just being like no way but i can't remember what i said but i just remember leaving just feeling bad it was like oh yeah i do think if you have

social anxiety like me i remember doing a lot of dates where i'd have something already planned like i remember once i was going to like a hockey game with my friend at at eight and some guy was texting me i was like hey i'll grab a drink with you at seven so it's like i always was prepared i always had an out And if I liked the guy, I was like, great, I'll see him again. If I didn't, then it was like, so I would just be like, oh, shit, I got to go meet my friend early. You knew this was happening. Well, you got to be careful. Every now and then you're going to get busted like this girl did.

Yeah, you will get busted. Or you're like, you leave and then you like see him on the corner and you're both just standing there. It was like, oh, I thought you were going to hospital for your grandma. A lot of that. And then, you know, the problem is like, a lot of times you make up these excuses and then you have to remember like, don't post. Yeah. Don't post a story. Yeah.

But you're always going to slip up. Yeah. And we've all done that. I've all said to myself, no posting today. You told somebody that you're somewhere else. Well, that's the problem when you're in a relationship. They have to be on the same page too. So you've got to be like, hey, can you keep up with my life?

Yeah, that's when you have family members that like posting too much. It's like, everybody, no posting today. Well, also when I'm in the road, it's so funny because I'll be like, yeah, I'm not in town. I'm not in town. And then people will be like, I'm literally on your website right now. you should be in town. I'm like, oh, no, you know, I got a college gig. I didn't put it up there.

Oh, there's nothing worse when somebody goes, hey, I checked your website. You don't have a show. Yeah. Or I see your, you know, I know you're in Dallas and I'm actually in Dallas that day too. Oh, that's really awkward when you're like on the road and you know somebody in a place. But you're just like, it's not even like, it's not that I don't like you. It's just like I have a routine when I'm working. Well, yeah, that's people don't treat stand-up.

like performers like if i had a broadway show no one would hit me up beforehand and be like hey do you want to like go shopping beforehand or do you want to get like a big dinner beforehand they'd be like you're in a broadway show we're in a one woman one man show um but people love to just kind of treat it like we're at the bar yeah and i and i i never want to i have dinner before comedy anyway i do have to say in your 20s you're still figuring out what you like who you are so that's why there's a lot of like i could go should i go will I like this? And then your 30s was the first time I realized, like,

I'm not weird that I actually don't enjoy, like, a typical group dinner. And at first I was, I thought, like, oh, I just haven't figured out how to like it. It's my problem. And then I was like, we're just sitting in this. One thing Gabrielle Union, shout out, Gabriel Union said, that stuck with me, which seems a little extreme, but now I'm realizing at her, like, in her life, it's important. she basically said unless it's a fuck yes it's a no wow that is which is a very millennial but that's the takeaway from the episode but that is a takeaway because i know there's me and you

will get invited to something and we'll be like yeah yeah and i know the fact that i'm like yeah yeah it means i'm not going to want to do it and they also say like think about it if you have to do it day of because hana in the future is fun has all the energy in the world world is excited so you always are like yeah in three days i'll want to do that but tonight i wouldn't no then in three days you're not going to do it either but i do have to say that if you made a decision on your fuck yeses you would never do anything just for the so i do want to point out that this is not a hundred percent success rate because there has been a lot of things that i've just been like i am not in the mood and they've been awesome well me and you are

extremes. I feel like I say yes to everything and you say yes to nothing. You have to be more convinced than you'll have fun where I know when I'll have fun and I can very rarely I'm surprised and have fun. But you have a problem with assuming that you're going to want to do things. Yes. And you always don't when the time comes. Never once. I mean not to be depressing when you're like you never focus but it's like it takes a lot for me to be excited about something but that's the thing like I have certain people in my life where I'm like always like fuck yes I'd love to but it's just um but but there have been a lot of things I haven't want to do that they do end up being fun so there's no perfect uh there's no perfect formula for this I do think though Instagram makes it look like so many things are fun

especially like influencers when their job is to just go to events and make things look like they're being paid to make brands look fun and to make places look fun when it's like a lot of them are fucking miserable but then you're sitting there being like I should be at a you know a rosé tasting right now but it's like do you really want to go to a rosay tasting in 90 degree heat not a chance on a wednesday so since we were talking about this uh let's get into it hi hannah does long time listener second time caller anyway back in my single days i once had a hinge date sleep over and he was just chilling in the morning and like i didn't have anything to do. I think it was like a Saturday morning. I had nothing to do,

but I just want him to get the fuck out. Like he overstayed his welcome. Um, and I told him I had to go to a workout class. And so I got, got ready, put on gym clothes, put on my sneakers, filled up a water bottle, um, got my yoga mat, walked out the door. He was with me. Literally, we just like parted ways. and then I walked around the block and then went back home and went to bed. Never saw him again, but it worked. I love that. That's commitment. I'm at this point now, though, in my life where if it's like social events,

I can't lie anymore. I can't. Or like if someone wants you to do something, it's on them. Like, it's not my fault if they can't tell that I don't. don't want to do it anymore. No, I know, but in this situation where, like, you know, like a, basically like a one-night stand. You got to get him out.

You know, but you don't want to be an asshole. You got to get him out. You know, because you got to be, you don't want to be an asshole to their face. You got to get them out. I like that. This, this, I guess it reminded me, I think a lot of people will tell, a lot of parents will tell their kids if you know someone reach out and say, get coffee. Let's get coffee and talk.

So when I like got into comedy, I got a lot of people being like, hey, like people who I'm not even friends with or very met twice hey can we get coffee and then you're put in this weird situation where it's like you are not even prioritizing people you love but you're going to take time of your day to get coffee with like a bunch of people that it's like an informational interview when realistically you can talk on the phone you can text there's a legit question you can just ask it and I'm not a proponent of this whole coffee thing Have you not let go with the previous thing?

No. And it's just now obsessed with letting people know like leave me to fuck alone. No, no, I just think that these people who ask you to get coffee it's like,

because their parents told them to, they're like, all you got to do is ask people to get coffee. And it's like, it just annoys people. It's just hard for me to concentrate because I'm visualizing this girl in her yoga pants

if I can get rid of this dude and you're like, You're like, I'm like, what? Look, I need to finish my thought. I'm like a dog with a bone. These people that want to get coffee like, fuck you. No. Fucking go to a coffee shop and have a coffee and text me.

If you want to meet people to talk business, start a podcast. That's my biggest piece of advice. I got to ask and meet so many people and talk about work because I had a podcast. Start a podcast, invite people that you look up. to on to the podcast and that's how you meet. You're so relatable. Don't. You're so reliable.

Like people just starting podcast just to like get together with people. You're so relatable. Okay, I've lost touch with reality and I'm just going to shut the fuck up. I've lost it. I once worked out.

There was like a guy staying at my place and I wanted to work out and his place I guess was too far and I was just like, I'm going to work out. You can leave or stay, whatever. And I went to work out. And, like, three hours later, I came back and he was still there. Yeah, they're still there, people.

I was like. It's like, I got to go, but you can chill for a bit and they stay. It was kind of, I got the ick. I was like, don't you have emails or something? Get out. I was like, don't you have something to do? And then, like, I was, like, I have work to do and he was just kind of there. I think he lived with his parents.

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hey hannah does happy late birthday hannah so this one's a little bit traumatizing so trigger warning in advance i'm from venezuela and as you know it's a very corrupt place And I was at this party where I lost my phone, like fully my fault. I was dancing with this guy. I asked him to carry my phone because I didn't feel like carrying it. He was wearing a jacket. He left the jacket, whatever long, straight short, I am responsible for losing my phone. However, on the drive back home, I was sobbing because I was like my dad's never going to give me an expensive item ever again.

So when I got home, I lied to him. and the excuse was that the car that we were in got stopped by like some muggers and at gunpoint they stole everyone's phones of who was in the car I have been taking this to my grave I did go to confession and tell like the priest or whatever so I'm absolved but that's the worst and best I mean if I lived in like a war zone or like a situation like Venezuela where they have like kidnapping and shit I'd be using the extreme violence of our society as an excuse all the time You might as well get some positivity out of it Yeah I'm like sorry I can't go to the party

I'm worried about being kidnapped It's just part of life you know My mom got kidnapped My aunt got kidnapped Sorry Maduro stole an election again Sorry I can't make it sorry You know I mean It's pretty funny

No good for her Good for her Good for her And reminds us that there's real problems going on in the world Because, you know, sometimes we like to, you know, have serious conversations about quite trivial things. Yeah, I just complained about having to drink rosé in 90 degree weather. You know when people want to get coffee and there's like drug traffickers doing roadblocks? Someone invites you to get coffee and they have no oat milk?

And then you have to talk to someone while drinking regular milk? This one's a cute one. I started a summer job during college and that summer I was on a really strict diet trying to lose weight. during the first week of training they brought in pizza for everyone and in my wisdom I decided to tell my supervisors that I was allergic to gluten and that I couldn't have pizza I did this instead of having to tell them that I was actually on Jenny Craig well this was a mistake because then everybody learned about this supposed allergy that I had they became really concerned and asked a lot of questions they offered to get me gluten-free options and I had to make up reasons why I couldn't have that And when I realized I was too far end to back out of my lie and not look like a crazy person, I researched gluten allergies, so I would know the answers to their questions. It felt like a real asshole. Sorry to everyone with real gluten intolerances.

I learned my lesson, and now I never turned on pizza. Okay, well, there was a time where, like, all of us were like, do I have a gluten allergy? Yeah. So, like, you're actually just like every girl in Brooklyn who was like, yeah, all of you. All my problems are due to gluten, for sure. Yeah, but she was lying. I know she was lying. So she had to look up shit to say.

Yeah, which I do think people have done a lot. A hundred percent. But yeah, it's so funny when like people actually believe you and you're like, oh no, this is way more complicated than it seemed. I made a, you know, I did this Irish, like daily show type thing one time. And we did a section on like essentially the misinformation slash bullshit around gluten intolerance. which is to say that gluten intolerance, but particularly celiac disease is very real, very serious, but that a ton of people are getting misinformation from like homeopaths and nonsense or just. Or they think they'll just lose weight.

Yeah, or they're self-diagnosing, you know, intolerances where you really haven't done an elimination diet so you don't actually know what's causing your... I can never do an elimination diet. It takes so much. It takes a long time. So anyway, I made this joke, which is kind of funny, which is that Irish people have. high instances of celiac disease which is true I didn't know that but what was that that was my computer okay uh Irish people have high rates of celiac disease so the joke was

a lot of people think it's because of the diet but it's not it's genetic because like gluten the Irish are in bread right so that's the joke numerous people I've heard do that joke since and I don't think they heard mine but it's kind of like it's the go-to pun but I got a very angry email from a dad of a daughter with celiac disease who was thinking that it wasn't a funny topic and he sent me a photo of her what happens when she eats gluten it was like disgusting he was so angry can you die from celiac so the joke I put in my show this is not true but in the joke about the story of how people reacted to that joke. I said, I replied to the dad and said, oh, your daughter also eats too much corn. Ew.

I know it's disgusting, but anyway, do you have to be careful about the gluten intolerance. I've been making fun of restaurants how, like, it's great that they will ask. Do you have any allergies? Are there any allergies at the table? But when they ask, like, sometimes they ask too many times, they'll be like, are we sure?

There's no allergies. And when they do that, I really am like, did you guys kill someone in the last week? Like, it makes me very nervous. Like, it's great and all that, but some of it too is just like, what are you guys putting in the food? You know, I'll tell you why it annoys me a little bit.

It's because we spent hundreds of fucking years without worry. And I know that the food allergies are real, but I want to know. It's environmental too sometimes. Yeah, but what I want to know is like, where's the concern to think that like this needs to be asked every time what's the peanut butter stat oh but they have gone up though can you explain that no there has been a there has been a huge rise

in peanut allergies that's real and because people have been exposed less to peanut butter there actually there's no correlations why are you putting the mic down every time stop you're banging it all for those that want to know it was a visual joke and I kept dropping the mic for some reason I pretend I was interviewing myself because I made this peanut allergy joke in my special and actually kind of annoyed a lot of people but but the thing is that everyone there's a lot of people making sweeping assumptions about why some people say increase in vaccines some people say you know genetically modified food pesticides there is sweeping amounts of assumptions but there is actually no confirmed science on why.

The biggest assumption, like the most common assumption scientifically is that it has to do with exposure, but there's actually no confirmed science just yet. But let's not get too bog down. I think we're already in the weeds on that. It's too late. So to finish off, to take us home, let's... Oh, actually, this is not an excuse.

This is a call-out. which I feel like this is definitely a millennial and a Gen Z dilemma. So let's see if we can solve it for this person. Okay, this isn't really what the question is asking, but I make an excuse every day to get off FaceTime with someone. Because how do you end a FaceTime? Like, I'm always like, oh, I have to go, I have to do this. I don't have to do that.

I just don't want to be talking to you anymore. Like, and I think everyone knows I'm lying. I'm literally unemployed, and I'm, I have no friends, and I'm not in school right now, and I live alone. Like, everyone knows. So I always get caught. But it's just like, we need to talk about how to end FaceTimes, honestly. This is actually a new version of an age-old problem.

This is so funny. How to get out of conversation. This is so funny. But it's not even just FaceTime. It's just normal phone calls. Yeah, it's the same. It's funny because I don't really lie to get out of stuff. This is my prime time.

This is where I lie. Every time I'm in the car, going to the, airport I always will say oh I just got to the airport got to go and I'm never at the airport and then I'm just sitting with the Uber driver for like 20 more minutes or I'm always getting into an elevator my mom is calling that's one of my favorites my mom is calling des is calling um one of my bug bears back in the day was when people say and I think what'd you call that a bunk a bug bear bug bear what's a bug bear like an annoyance never heard that before Jesus I'm gonna go I want to make sure i'm using it correctly one of my bug bears let me let me just check i mean it's probably i could be

misusing that probably a cute irish thing that i've never heard before bug bear i i might actually be using it oh yeah no the board bug bears multiple meanings can be used a sling to have something that annoys or upsets a person cute sorry yeah you made me question my what's your bug bear back in the which i feel some people have talked about like on stage maybe but even since childhood is when people say uh okay i'm i'm gonna let you go like in other words like i'm gonna do you the favor of getting off the conversation no own own it you want to get off the fucking call you're not letting me go i'm so guilty of just saying okay bye and hanging up like when when they're like always follow up with something like i'm famous for hanging up on people and just being like okay

bye yeah i think i mean you just have to be honest a lot of well obviously she's lying because she says she has nothing going on but that is so funny she's like i've i've zero excuses but i find it it's kind of like more a tone where you just go anyway i um you know um got a got a run but i'll got it got a run that's good house is burning maybe we just need to be honest and be like house on fire hey this conversation has come to a natural end we've well page and i we will our one of our phones dies when we're facetiming and then we just don't call each other back. Well, somebody said...

That's our thing. We're like, we've said all we need to say. There's no need to call her to be like to say goodbye. Usually there I just text, say sorry, phone died. I'll talk to you later. Yeah. Somebody did message earlier and say sometimes I can't get off FaceTimes. So I just, I just clicked the phone into airplane mode.

Wait, that's very smart. Yeah, they click the phone into airplane mode and then say, sorry, my phone died. I try not to FaceTime people that I don't love talking to all the time. I never FaceTime. FaceTime is not my natural go-to. We used to when we were falling in love. Yeah, but I'm just not a big fan of FaceTime. I'd much rather a normal conversation.

Yes. You know? Yeah. Well, you get overstimulated easily. You can't have two sounds at the same time. It's almost too much. I don't even know where to look. Yourself?

You're just looking at yourself. The whole time trying to have a conversation. I'm like, fuck, man. Getting fucking old. I just can't. I can't. Well, you guys, thank you so much for your calls. I am going to be in Calgary at the end of the month.

Go to my website. I'm doing 30 minutes with Eliza Slezinger. She's headlining. And I'm probably going to be doing some old material. So check it out. Nice. And I have my New York shows. My New York shows need to sold out.

If we sell it out in the next week, I'll add one, which will be exciting. That's September 28th. But I'm also in Madison, in Milwaukee, in early September. And I've got a lot of shows in the autumn. Awesome. I have my Irish tour also. Yeah, I'll order our. Giggly Squad book and watch my Netflix special. If you haven't, I'm pretty sure you guys did

though. So put it on again tonight. Yeah, too. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. Okay. So one time, well, a few months ago, I got tickets to Coachella last minute. So I called out of work on Friday morning. I work as a teacher. And I told my boss that I had a really bad flu and I had the whole nine yards. I had a fever and I was like throwing up and all. I proceeded to go to Coachella on Friday the day I called out and said I had the flu and I literally saw my boss at Coachella. So that is the worst I've ever done. Hey Hannah and Des. Irish listener here. Adore the pod. Hannah, I'm obsessed with you. Love you girl. Des, you're cool too. But yeah, the worst lie I've ever told is that I lied about getting my appendix out so that I could have, like, a long weekend for off

of work. And when I went back, people were, like, asking me how I was. I was just continuing along with the lie, you know how it is. Anyway, then, about a month later, one of my colleagues, his wife, got her appendix out. And he, like, kept asking me really intense questions, like, about the recovery process and, like, the surgery and, like, was asking me about my scar and, like, to describe my scar and he wanted me to show him my scar so that he could like compare it to his white scar and it was just all around very weird and inappropriate but like I couldn't continue with the lie like I had to like lie my little ass off but anyway now I live in constant fear of getting appendicitis because like what will I say in work okay so when I was 21 I lied to

my boss to get out of work so that I could go to Vegas I didn't have any vacation time at that point but I did have sick time. So I thought that was the only way to get out of work. So I called my boss. I put on this ridiculous scratchy voice and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I think I got strep throat. And then I promptly deleted everyone from social media who I thought might tell on me. But I forgot that there was this one account my co-worker made as a joke.

And apparently she was still logging into it. So I go have the time of my life on this Vegas trip. I come back to work. My boss calls me into her office and she just holds up her phone. It's a picture of me on the Vegas strip posing with a cat who's wearing sunglasses and a crop top. And she just goes, what happened? So I thought for sure that I was getting fired in that moment. I came clean.

We both laughed about it and we're cool to this day. So shout out too happy for being the best boss ever.