Berner Phone - Berner Phone #54: Dumbest Purchases

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

We've all fallen victim to buying items from targeted ads that seem like the cure to all our problems. This week the dialers are sharing the purchases they regret and have hidden from their spouses. And it's one of our favorite episodes so far.    20% off the best chips at masachips.com with code BERN Smell good with 15% off at lumedeodorant.com with code BERN  15% off at citylips.com with code BERNER 40% off at hungryroot.com/BERNER 20% off bras and shapewear at honeylove.com/BERN 50% off haircare prose.com/BERNER   

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? We're back. Also shout out to all my little dialers. You guys are real motherfuckers, sending us nice messages. Beautiful. Reporting the pod, leaving reviews.

You guys keep me young. You keep us young. Do you want to hear a dialer message in with a not-prompt-related thing that I thought was kind of funny? Sure, throw it in. Just a funny thing about how podcasts can become like time machines. So this isn't our response to the prompt, but we're going through a breakup right now and obviously can't be trusted alone with my own thoughts. So I've been listening to all the beginning burner phone episodes with, like when Des, um, first started with Hannah's podcast. And I, it's so funny because like, you'll be talking

about like going to Aspen or the one where like Hannah threw away the icon pass and, and does is like, yeah, and Hannah threw away my icon pass. And I like want to like reach back into the phone in time and be like, don't go skiing. You're going to break your leg. Like, stop. I wish I could go back and be like, don't do it. Throw the icon pass away. Wait, she did such a good impression of you. She's doing your impersonation. She's copying like the Giggly Squad.

That's why I thought it was such a good impersonation. Yeah, she's doing the Giggly Squad Des. Oh, my God. Don't go ski. Don't go. It's funny because I was going to say, Berterphone is fun to, like, throw on old episodes because it's a very evergreen. Except we do occasionally talk about our personal life.

Like, do you remember when we cried the whole episode when you did tear your ACL? Oh, yeah. We didn't cry. We just, we talked about it that night. Yeah, maybe we were able to laugh. Anyway, regardless, time is a social construct. Yeah, well, you forget sometimes that you'll talk about things and then they'll end up having bad outcomes. And you forget that, like, people know the bad outcome.

So if they listen backwards like that, they're like, no, this is a mistake. it's it's kind of like watching a movie over and sort of true you're sort of like even though you know it's going to be bad you're still trying to like say no i always want rocky to win and rocky won but it's never going to change i don't talk about spoiler alert spoiler alert from the 70s you've had time well also my favorite part about the ski accident because i have so many favorite parts about it um was that you decided to post insta stories of the moment well i didn't know i know but it's hilarious that you were like see you guys on the bottom and then you just went silent yeah and then we had that like that like moment where obviously we're dealing with your ACL and we're in the hospital

and it's traumatizing and then i was like so you're going to say something to people or you kind of left everyone oh did you say that i just remember being like we had to tell people like eventually i posted the worst photo of myself with a neck brace on which actually turned out to be unnecessary by the way can i just say since we're talking about it i just got a bill for seven thousand dollars from that nice but i'm i'm gonna fight it nice health insurance moment nice but i got billed seven thousand not gonna name any names, not going to name any institutions, but I got a bill for 7G. That's like when I was in Canada and I got injured and I was like, I thought health insurance was free in Canada and they're like, yeah, for Canadians.

I should have done a, I should have done a sponsored post with the hospital. Like hashtag, this hospital looked after me great. Maybe I don't want to have to pay 7G. I love burner phone. We were hanging out actually with Page and Sierra yesterday and we were like, let's chat. And Desk goes, let's talk health insurance. What's the best health insurance? No, because I know, Hannah.

No, but I'm saying, what if the next Bernad episode is who you've been like, guys, call in with your health insurance? Yeah, health insurance advice. Because, no, because I was asking, because basically if you're a self-employed person, even if you're doing well, you have to use Obamacare. It's just strange. I was just curious. Yeah, let's not get bogged down in that. But speaking of unnecessary purchases. Speaking of regrets and unnecessary purchases.

Dumb purchases. Buying Hannah all the ski gear. Speaking of dumb purchases, we have a closet full of Hannah ski gear that'll probably never be used. I do have to say for gifts, I do love, I love gifts that have like a purpose or an experience

or like there's just like a meaning behind it. Yours was definitely like, you're so excited for me to get into skiing. I showed enough interest that you were like. In fairness, come on. You were into it for a short time. I was in. to it and it was easy to get me gifts for it you know a lot of people messaged in with like

when you find a new hobby and then you buy all the shit and then your interest in the hobby wanes faster than your uh the amount that you invested i'm on ADHD TikTok severely right now which is interesting really um yeah they talk about a lot of especially women ADHD and how it's not just like the hyperactivity that like boys showed in elementary school but it's a lot of like You want to start a lot of hobbies. Like you get excited and you get this dopamine hit. Like you know when I'll like buy stuff? Remember when I bought all those like corks and I was going to like do this like artistic things?

I remember. And then we had a we had a bucket full of corks for quite a long time until one of the foster dogs decided they wanted to chew the corks. Oh no. What's funny. Looking back, I'm like that was a great fucking idea. Like I wanted to be a painter. Like there's things that happen. Hannah was in her cork era.

All the all the decor that Hannah got originally when she moved. in it was all kind of cork slash wood themed but i also was like and i'm going to make it myself and then i never did you never did but um you made one thing ADHD does have that but i'm not gonna i'm not going to i'm not going to get into that because i'm not doctor but do you have any any any purchases i'm really excited about this episode because i'm at a point where you know ticot does make you want to buy a lot of stuff amazon makes it so easy and then i'm like yeah $20, $20,000, $20,000. And how you actually start feeling way down by too much stuff.

And I'm the kind of person, if I can't see the stuff, I get very overwhelmed. And I just, like, it's all in a box and I just, I can never touch any of it. So I've been in a very, like, trying to go back to minimalistic mode. Oh, hi, Butter. Butter's coming in. So you're trying to go back to minimalist mode? Do you realize you're talking to the person you live with? You're not on some stranger's pod.

Am I supposed to go along with this? No, I'm saying for the future. We couldn't be buying more shit. For the future. For the future. Oh, you're saying this is what you want to do. Yes. Like, I'm going to have a fall cleaning.

Right. We're going to... A call, a ruthless call. We're going to donate a lot of shit. Also, I want to... Can somebody tell me... I mean, I'm going to obviously research, but like, any good, like, woman shall in New York City.

Like, I want to know the real deal. I feel like when you Google, you don't know the... I want to know where... Like, where's a good place to donate? Yeah, like where it actually gets in the hands of people. Yeah, and also, it really needs to be pointed out that, like, a lot of the time, you need to donate stuff that actually really helps. Yeah.

Like, because a lot of times people donate shit that just ends up being, like, a burden for the actual charity. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I want to figure out what actually will fucking help and not be a nuisance. message us about that. But I also do want to add, normally I'm like,

I don't have any thoughts, and then I throughout think of things, but I am intrinsically a cheap person. Okay. I'm cheap. You have a natural cheapness. Spending money triggers me. Frugal.

Frugal. Spending money, I feel guilty sometimes. I walk into stores. I get very overwhelmed. What's the word for that? Post-purchase remorse. There's actually like a word for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also think it's like a post nut clarity, post receipt clarity or something. But I am, when I shop, though, I'm the kind of person that when I do shop, I'm like, okay, who do I want to become? And I'll get like a blazer that I would never wear, but I'm like, this is you, Hannah. Yeah, so don't be aspirational with your purchases. I'm so as. I'm like, she's an adult now. Buy for who you are.

Not for who you want to be. But then when I buy for who I am, how many black tops does a girl need? But just accept that's who you are. I'm just bad at shopping like that. So I have all these things that I would never wear so uncomfortable or literally the same black turtleneck. And then I did recently buy a trampoline. Oh, that's right. God, what am I talking about?

This is the dumbest purchase I have ever seen. I haven't even explained it to you. But Hannah, there's a tramp, like, of all the dumb exercise equipment that I've bought in my life, and I've bought plenty of it, but this trampoline is going to go down in the record of the dumbest purchases I've ever seen in my life. You're a 33-year-old woman, married to a man that just tore his ACL, and you've put a trampoline? Listen, can I give you the backstory? Okay, let me know why we have a trampoline in our backyard. So I was on TikTok, and these girls are bouncing on trampolines, and I was like, What are they doing?

And they call it rebounding. And it's like the new hot girl workout in New York City called rebounding. They don't call it bouncing on a trampoline. And they say it's really good for lymphatic drainage and like cardio. And first of all, I don't know if I believe in lymphatic drainage, but it sounds like something I would need. So then I went on it. And within three minutes, I was like, no, not three minutes. Within three seconds, I was like, I have to shit myself.

Because I felt like a kid getting shook. Yeah, but did you not say I'm not five? What am I doing on this fucking thing? No, but like I'm very into non-traditional workouts. Anything besides running, I'll try. I think I will use it. Yeah, it's been out there for a week and it hasn't been used. Well, it rained yesterday.

So I'm going to use it. Basically what we're saying is if anybody wants, by the way, this isn't like a big fun trampoline. Because I like, when my friend's kids have like a huge trampoline. That's fucking sick. I'll have fun with it. I'll break my neck. that this is like a tiny trampoline what human of normal like adult size is going to stand on this thing like the landing area is like two feet but it's a thing if you google it right now there's

a like it's a whole there's a place called nests in new york nes s where like all the all the girls are doing it but anyway i am obsessed with de-influencing because i don't know about you but my ticot is full of girls being like oh my god this concealer changed my fucking life and all i have to hear is someone being like this changed my life and i'm like purchase. So I want to be de-influenced. I love when girls are like, hey, here's five concealers that people tell you are good, that aren't good. I'm like, give it to me, Rachel. I love listening to influencers say they want to de-influence. That is funny. I'm obsessed, though, with influencers who are like... By the way, I was talking about you.

Okay, that was on point. I'm obsessed with influencers, though, who are like, I'm so obsessed with this product. And then you can tell they, like, don't know the name. of it and they've never tried it before but like this is my uh i want to say that i get capitalism ones again i get hip hooks you fell for the hip hook i you know what i actually you could say that i fell for it i'll accept that okay but what i will say is i just kind of gave in i've never been promoted something more you can't did it stop once you bought no it's still there wait so does it work well here's the thing i i thought the hip hook was a total load of nonsense and then i i thought the hip hook was a total load of nonsense And then I actually, eventually I was like, let me see.

And I saw some like reasonable reviews of the hip hook, even though it's like a piece of metal for like $180. So expensive. Like insane money. Yeah. And I was like, ah, fuck it. So look, the hip, so we have the hip hook. The hip hook got me, except what I do is I'm like, couldn't get myself to spend $180 on a piece of metal. So I went to Amazon and I got the janky version.

Yeah. Which I haven't used. Which is, yeah. But now I've used the hip hook. I can't. my assumption is going to be that the hip hook is nonsense, but I haven't 100% made up my mind because at the end of the day you lie on it

and it seems to, I guess, hit your hip flexor. I don't know, though. It's funny they literally bullied you into buying the hip flex. I was just like, okay. Like, it was relentless. I've never been pushed something so hard. Well, that's the marketing team.

I must be triggering all the hipbook, like everything about the hipbook. And then, you know what I get a lot too? is like I get a lot of like leg stuff that's meant to like support your knees and your hips like essentially like leggings but that are meant to be like special legging. But again it's so funny how some of the shit is it lies so much

because I think I googled like lower back left side once and then it's just people being like this thing will fix your lower left back and I'm like how the fuck do they know that? But they just like they know when people are in pain they'll pull the trigger on buying shit. Anyway. Anyway, we talked a lot.

That might be our longest intro. I think the episode's done. We're going to get a complaint. No, we once got a complaint that we talked too much before we got into the messages. Well, look. Sorry for talking on a podcast. Sorry, but we're going to be talking. Look, the yappers will be yapping.

Let's get into it. Okay, let's bring the dialers on. Okay. Let's start with something very relevant to Hannah. This is Hannah coded as the game. Gigglish would say. Dumbest purchase I've ever made as an adult. Probably buying that fucking Stanley fucking cup.

Worst fucking purchase I have ever made worse $40 I've ever spent. I hate that thing. As soon as I filled it up after I bought it, I was like, oh, this is really heavy. And I have to hold it the whole time with that handle. And then it fucking leaks fucking everywhere if you have it like fully. filled up. So yeah, I hate my Stanley. Still use it, but

hate it. Thanks. Bye. Love you guys. I can't I cannot understand the Stanley. Well, as you guys know, you know, I feel pretty strongly about it. But I recently bought a Stanley when we were at like Home Depot, which is so funny.

Yeah. If you have to go to Home Depot to get your fucking water bottle. It was so expensive but I remember being like, oh, like it's a summer. I don't. I'll get it and then immediately I lost the top like I have no idea where the top you don't have the top to your stanley I've no idea I noticed that when I nearly threw up my back taking it out of the dishwasher it's so fucking heavy like you have to fucking literally like if someone tries to break into the house we got Stanley knock them in the head it's a weapon oh so you don't have the top to that

stanley I don't know when I grab that Stanley and the insanely industrial straw yeah that goes with it yeah I was like what why this whole point in the Stanley I guess is to like bring it to work it keeps it cool um but the thing is it's so unnecessarily heavy it's so impractical um it's also one of those things that i think with as i'm learning more about like marketing and shit sometimes people will buy things when they're more expensive like they don't even care why i feel like i'd rather buy something this is sixty dollars it must be crazy good when it's like it's actually just sixty dollars something but um yeah Paige loves her Stanley.

She, like, had to freak out when she left it at my house once. Really? Yeah, she needs, it becomes an emotional support water bottle. As you said, and you're special, but I, I honestly, I was never like a big, not supporter of that bit, but, like, I just didn't quite get it. Yeah. I'm more familiar with a Stanley now in recent times because you've had this Stanley hanging around, and now I really don't get it.

It's so funny because, yeah, when Des is going through the special, some bits, he would just be like, I can tell it's funny, but I don't understand the joke. like what the niche is the Stanley thing is probably one of the more relatable bits in my special Yeah well now now I with this Stanley hanging around

I really I truly don't I don't get it It takes up the whole kitchen We don't even have room to make food Yeah and when like I had a noise The cops showed up They were like the neighbors are complaining About noise I said yes sorry I dropped the Stanley

Oh my God yeah you dropped the Stanley one But I thought we were getting bombed We had a mice problem And then I dropped the Stanley They all fucking disappeared The exerminated It was like There's no mice left

But it's true It's so fucking expensive That should be a meme Like I dropped the Stanley Yeah I mean shout to Stanley They did send me a Giggly Squad Stanley Oh they did

Okay So shout out to Stanley These are jokes Hashtag jokes Hashtag jokes Girls don't even want a boyfriend anymore They just want Stanley

You know I didn't If this one, I don't know about you. Hi, Hannah and Des. I love you guys. I think without fail, the dumbest purchase I've made and continue to make is on game apps. I don't even want to know how much money I have spent on Candy Crush. Oh.

Because, you know, that became the model where, like, it's a free app, but then, like, to keep play and you have to, like, purchase things. It's heroin. Yeah. Were you a Candy Crush guy? No, it's not Candy Crush. It was WGT Golf. very good golf game but very expensive what do you mean was you still play it no i got i got i stopped you play a different game now i got rid of it i don't i got rid of that game what do you

do on your phone all the time then uh what are you doing on your phone we're doing the same thing i'm looking at instagram i'm looking at ticot i'm playing wordle i'm doing crosswords i haven't played the golf game for like four weeks why uh this is very boring this is very w gttt golf but you get a you get like a streak and you get extra point and I had like a year and a half streak going and I accidentally fucking blew my streak and I was like you know what I'm done yeah so I stopped well whenever you have your phone horizontal I'd know you're playing your golf game yeah I haven't played it in four weeks well I'm this is how close our relationship she she thought that I was playing WGT golf but I'm telling you right now I spent quite like

like that's an expensive game because like you have to buy balls how much money are you burning Listen, we're not going to get into like a couple finance conversation Some guys are spending other money on OnlyFans My husband's been spending it on virtual golf ball Well, can you keep the golf ball in the fucking fair way First of all, I have to tell you, WG team golf is actually a very good game Like it's a very complicated Well, maybe we'll get a sponsor and you can keep playing it

Yeah, maybe, and they'll give me my streak back You know? I mean, I remember sometimes I'll like be, I'll see you Like, I'll feel like, I don't know I just felt like, oh, he's playing his game. That's nice. Yeah, and there's other, you know, there was a time where I was into Angry Birds.

I can't remember if I had to spend money on Angry Birds. But anyway, that, that model of games is, is sneaky. I grew up in the era of, like, the first era of Pokemon, where, like, my brother and I were on the Little Nintendo. It was so fucking fun. Oh, my God. And then my brother got, like, into, like, Real Game, like, Worlds of Warcraft, and I got into Myspace.

And that was that. Can I bring up a related topic? Yeah. Subscriptions that you completely forget about. Oh, my God. Well, oh my God. Talk about purchases you don't need. I love, like, there's like a history one.

It's like, do you not know anything about history? Spend two minutes a day and learn about history. And I was like, click. $80 or something. But like, every now and then I'll notice one. I'll be like, oh, shit. Remember this AI image upgrader? Oh, my God.

You know? Because I always go, I'll do the free. Yes. And then I'll cancel after two days. And then you forget. Or I do. I've done, I have, I do what I want to be. So, like, I got a stretching app.

I got, like, a help memorize lines app. I got, I'm actually really bad with that. I'm also horribly bad, but I don't think it's a bad purchase. I love buying books. It's like a weird thing that I do. I've never seen more books not read in all my life. I won't even open the book. I don't even know what the first chapter is.

I love buying books. If someone buys me a book, I love it, because I feel. like somehow like I'm more knowledgeable because I have the book if I were to read it but I never fucking read it. Yeah but here's the problem you bought a book recently and then left it on our coffee table and we have guests and the book is know your boundaries. You can't leave the know your boundaries book out on the coffee table. How to love yourself more? No but you literally have a boundary book. I actually think it's so funny and it is light bloom so it kind of books cute but no that is so funny also like more people might pick it up and maybe get some

insight my dad's always been into like self-help books but he actually reads them um I love buying you know I'm going through a bad time when I start buying self-help books so self-help books are fucking bullshit like they just wait for it's just like the hip hook they wait for people to be depressed and then they just google like how do not be depressed they're like read this book and it'll change you're like you can't read when you're depressed you're sleeping i'm high and low on self-up because i went through my self-help book era and i definitely got some help out of them but i also know that a lot of them are no i i do think it depends on your mood i also never read them so for me it's not helpful um i just um the final note on this topic i've also i had a gym membership in

Dublin for close to 20 years. And I actively used it for approximately three. And they do make it, I think there should be court cases against how difficult some of these gyms make it to get. Every time I go to cancel. Anyway, this is how long. So I was in Westwood Gym in Dublin. I'm going to name them.

I'm not saying they did anything wrong, but they do make it hard to get rid of your subscription. And that money, which was very, in fairness, it was such an old subscription. that it wasn't like a debilitating amount. But that money came out of my account for years without me using it. And there's no like, what I hate about them is like there's no sense. Like there should be a law of like if this person hasn't checked in for 24 months, their subscription should automatically cancel.

Because there was a time of the subscription bubble where like companies realized that people were going to sign up. And the second you see you have to call something, you don't do it. And I know there were a lot of like clothing shops that, be like be VIP and then you press it and then you forget and then like seven months later you're like how have I spent $200 to be a VIP at this website like it's it's criminal so I don't know five years not that long ago I was back in Dublin and I was like I had gotten into spinning and I was like oh I'm gonna go use my fucking membership that I never use yeah but of course I don't have I don't have

the key tag I don't have anything so I go to this new one that opened up in town that I was part of my membership and I go to the girl at the desk I was like hey I don't have my tag but I'm a member and she was like what's your name and I've said my name and then she looked at the picture and she turns the screen to me says is that you I had brown hair my hair was fucking fully brown not even not even like salt and pepper I was like yeah that's but that's me not to call anyone out but do you think it evens out because Aiden's been able to use any of your Memberships. Hannah, that has never happened on any of my active memberships. My brother never walked in because he looks like me into any of my active memberships. I don't know. I don't

know. I'm just saying if he would. That's a good idea. Um, for the record, Aiden never used my Westwood actually. For the record. But he has used other one. And I have more of them, but I won't bore the listeners. Can I, can I admit something to you? I'm still a fucking member of Paddlehouse. I tore my calf and my ACL. I've been a member of the fuck. and paddle house that. How can you get out of it? I actually literally has been on my mind because of this episode, I'm going to message him and be like, hey, listen, I've been injured for a long time. Like, is there anything you can do? I've been injured longer than I've not been injured. Yeah, you know, I've been injured longer than, you know, Andrew Schultz suddenly is like

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Easy. Prada, dog poop bag dispenser. Um, super dumb. No regrets. Very on brand. Wait, why am I immediately like I have to get one for page for Daphne? For Daphne, but you don't need one for Daphne. But I know she said no regrets.

Like maybe she's, it's unnecessary, but she uses it. it yeah yeah i think it's when you don't use it that it's bad yeah but i but i also think that like any of the insanely expensive pet stuff is it's crazy well what's funny with a lot of pet stuff is um especially i'll speak for cats there's all these cat beds and cat houses and look cats love a cat tree butter loves her cat tree anything else like she's she's never touched that cat bed I feel like most cat beds cats are like I could tell you want me to sleep in there I'm not going to it needs to be high or they're not they're going to lie on like a heater or like something uncomfortable they rather sleep on a door but the the poop bag dispenser so funny is literally like the least important thing it's insane there are these there is like a designer dog like rope that like all the cool people leash that all the cool people in Brooklyn were using yeah but they made they made

burberry raincoats for dogs they have berbery sweaters that's like for people who just don't either like they love their dog so much and they want to spoil it or they just don't know what to do with their money and that's fine you know imagine you be like my dog my dog's just worse designer my dog loves designer so this is kind of like this is kind of related uh which but i i thought it's it's very interesting because i feel like this happen sometimes. Hey Hannah and Des. Love you guys so much. Um, so one of the worst purchases I've ever made was actually very recently. I was on the Real Real and I saw this really cute Gucci kind of little evening bag. Didn't really pay attention to the measurements. And so when it

came in the mail, it was so tiny that my fucking iPhone didn't even fit in it. And it's like called a pouchette. And so now there's like this like running joke with me and my friends because I couldn't even use it for my boucheret about this fucking pachette. And it's really honestly just made for a child. Yeah. And I spent like $400 on it. Yeah. Haven't told my husband that. Okay. Love you guys. Bye. You know it's bad when you're scared. You can't tell people close to you. And you're lying to your husband about it. I, this is so real because I love, like, Vestere and the real, real.

I love vintage shopping because you think you're getting a deal. And occasionally you'll see, like, a Fendi for, like, $300. And you're like, how the fuck did I find this? And then you realize it's because it's really tiny. But that's the hard thing with shopping. Like, I've done that with paintings, too, where I'm like, oh, my God, this painting. And I get it. And it's, like, five by five inches.

Yes. Or an Etsy a lot of the time. They don't really tell the size. you can't really tell how big something is and it comes and it's tiny that's so fucking real i bought you diamond earrings that time i was like so excited they were fucking miniscule you couldn't you couldn't even see them i do have to say there's something called girl math though and this is very specific girl math if you do buy something expensive if you say okay well i'm gonna wear this a lot then you're like okay this might have been a thousand dollars but divide it by like i wear it 200 times

it's fucking cheap that's what girl is girl say but that's not just girl meth that's practical you buy something that but here's the thing that assumes that the quality is there yeah the argument is that the quality the prices have remained the same for some of these brands but the quality isn't there or the prices that remain the same but the trends change so you buy something super fucking trendy and then in three months no one's wearing leopard print yeah walking around this fucking expensive leopard print thing well all i can say is never throw it out because my father worked for burberry back in the burberry's days and we used to have closets full of berberies and a lot of it disappeared over the years.

You could have literally lived off of that. Every time I go to one of these consignment shops, it breaks my heart. When I see the S. When I first saw it, I'm like, oh my God, babe, Burberry, let's get it as an homage to your dad. You're like, I could have made a lot of fucking money back today. No, not back in the day if I just kept it, you know, because there was so much of it. Anyway, here's a shift, which I think you're going to like. Hey Hannah and does. My most ridiculous and quite idiotic purchase was I signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant

and I spent $3,600 on product and I can confidently say that there's at least $1,500 left of that. And that was nine years ago. I'm a terrible salesperson. I am not. pushy and I used the majority of all of that product but yeah absolutely ridiculous and I'll never get talked into doing something stupid like that ever again anyway love you guys nine years ago was prime multi-level marketing scheming yeah 10 crack commandments yeah never get high in your own supply no but also like she was never going to move that product it was the idea of like sell this to your friends but the way they made money was her making the initial purchase so the only person made money was someone at the top of that pyramid scheme aiden got into that

herbal life people people who wanted quick money like it was oh god aiden aiden got sucked into herbal life by somebody yeah uh and then like for a period of time he was like no boy you don't understand like really this is the big thing he even went to like a meet you know he went to like Yeah, and then that's where they get all like, you're going to be huge, you're going to... He didn't sell any of that herbal life. We had like crappy, well, sorry, I'm not going to speak ill of the product. I'm just going to say that we had a lot of unused herbal life hanging around our house for a long time. Yeah.

Well, because then next you know, you're like begging your friends to buy it and then you get to the point where you're like, oh shit. Yeah. They got me. They got me. If you want to watch a great documentary, Lula Rowe, L-U-L-A-R-O-E, is about this insane multi-level marketing scheme of selling leggings that got, like, fucking huge. And then they found out, like, it's actually, like, low quality and, like, women were spending, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars. Didn't we watch, like, a murder documentary about, that was, like, it was connected, like, it started in, like, AA? Oh, that's, that's, sorry, I've watched so many documentaries.

It's, it's all. That was early on in our relationship. I remember we watched that. It might have been Luluro. Oh, let's do this, because Hannah's a big fan of this. Hello, I'm such a huge fan, and I'm so excited that I get to tell you that the dumbest thing I've ever bought is something called a Navaj. And it's basically like an automatic netty pot that clears out all of your, mucous in your nose, and it's like electric, uses batteries and everything. It was over

$100, and then you also have to buy, like, salt pods to go with it so that you can rinse out your nose, and you have to boil water before you use it so that you don't give yourself, like, a brain-eating amoeba. And I fully, like, got this for Hanukkah. I asked for it. I was obsessed with it, and now it just kind of collects dust. Okay, my mom swears by Nettipods. Yeah, you're a big nasal rinse person. If there's too many steps, there's no way you're going to use it. But I love it.

You buy things to make your life better and you're like, this will make me a better person. And yeah. But we're a fan of, we like a nasal rinse, but we don't need an expensive electric version. Get the $9 one. The little plastic thing. And my mom does it even like to prevent future sinus infections. Like it's like an upkeep. But that's something I would, one good commercial.

be like, yeah, it's going to change my life. I bought one of those from my ear. Yeah. Because I get bad, you know, during the summer when I'm swimming, my ears always get blocked. I get earwax build up. I bought one of those electric ones. And like literally a little plastic, a little rubber bulb does the exact same as the electric thing. I don't know what my problem is, but I bought one of these like light therapy masks because

like all the girls are using it apparently. And they're like, you just have to put it on for 10 minutes a day. Just put it on while you're watching TV. I'm like, I could do that. something in me like I can't get myself to do it also I don't know I've ever told you this did you know when I was trying to build um a veggie fruit leather company oh I think you vaguely told me about that yeah I was like pretty much gonna blow up I was like starting an Instagram of like health and wellness this was when I was like 24 and I was like in sales and I started this

Instagram and then I wanted to make like bars that were just fruit and vegetables like a fruit leather thing and I was like well I have to experiment with and I had four three roommates at the time I was like I have to experiment with making like dried fruit and veggie combinations and I was I was like mango carrot and ginger and I was like buying it but I had to buy a um dehydrating machine okay that was very loud And it would go on for like eight hours. And the first time I put it in, I didn't realize this was going to be loud. And everyone was like, what the fuck is that?

And my dream died in like two days. And I had this dehumidifier. It's like a big square thing for like four years because I'm like, just in case. Just in case you get back into drying fruit? I did it for like one week. Oh my God. My roommates were going to kill me. I was like, guys, I'm about to be a multi-millionaire.

and you're, so you're ruining my dream. Is that how you inspired your roommate to do pasta straws? No, but that was a fucking, check out pasta straws. Yeah, you guys are really an entrepreneurial apartment back in this. We were, we were, we were. I had a lot of, but his is actually a real business now. Oh, God. Before we move on, I just want to say that a little inside baseball,

but we just both took a pee break. and if is pee what you want to call it well i had a pee break you took a little longer and as a result i checked my phone and uh phil donahue died he was the o g kind of opera type uh daytime talk show so r i p phil donahue the o g Irish American I guess that I never I just identified him as Phil donahue anyway RIP for those that for those that remember um this is a cute one I just this is the longest you've ever been into a pod without bringing up death Hannah He brought it up

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Hey, Hannah. Hey, Dez. Love the pod. I'm a total giggler, Hannah, and Dez, I appreciate you as well. The most embarrassing purchase I've ever made, well, it was actually made by my mother. But when I was in second grade for Christmas, I asked for, for a chair that I could sit in in the shower so I wouldn't have to sit on the floor when I was just, you know, pondering the depths of life.

So anyways, mom got me a plastic removal chair in the shower that I could sit in. And, I mean, it was awesome. Honestly, that sounds like a great purchase. Also, I love that she's seven years old pondering the meaning of life as the water hits her face. That's amazing. I remember my grandmother, I stayed my grandmother, and she had had, like, a bench installed. Yeah. I thought it was the coolest shit ever.

Like, sitting down in the shower? That's luxury. Oh, my God. I actually, when I went to a tennis academy, there was this one kid who would take, like, two-hour showers, and he kept getting in trouble because of the water bill. But he was like, I just like sitting in the shower and letting it hit me. It's, like, the best. And I was like, you're fucking freak. Yeah.

I mean, a chair in the shower. Whenever you have a, if you're looking after an elderly person or you're injured yourself, chair in the shower also it helps shaving your legs if you're someone like me who has trouble with it and cuts themselves or just too lazy um i do have to say i'm one of those people i just want to let everyone know i love showers you know some people like you want to shower and even though some people say that i look like i don't shower i never miss a fucking shower don't tempt me with a good shower and when i go in i'm always doing a girl shower minus the shaving doing i'm double cleansing Ooh, I love me a good hot shower.

Yeah, I feel like our bathroom actually gets full of unnecessary purchases. No, I use them all. Do you? I don't always use the, sometimes they have this, like, what's it called? Like a special conditioner that you're supposed to leave in your hair for 10 minutes. And I'm like, I'm not leaving it in my hair for 10 minutes and I have time. Everything else I use. Okay, but you do leave it in the bathroom.

Yeah, because it's part of the Geneseecois. Also, I don't really. use scrubs but I like to have a scrub in the bathroom you like to have a scrub you like to give the impression that you use them yeah it's another one of those where I'm like if it's here it it means I do it do you know what I never knew was controversial I don't like wash my legs oh yeah that was a like TikTok question for a while do you wash your legs in the shower I heard Sam jake talking about it on stage and she was like you got to wash your legs and I was like wow I never wash my legs I think some people I think she was

suggesting that in the black community black people are more inclined to wash their legs look I think I actually asked joe Jonas this I said do you use the trickle down effect which is you shampoo oh right just trickle down yeah so it was kind of a thing going around um he does the trickle down yeah I trickle down I mean I basically but I do that my face too when you're a girl and you're shaving your legs every three three days you're putting shaving cream on you're shaving yes and I I definitely wash my legs I don't think I like wash my feet because I don't be like slipping around When I have a bath, I wash my legs. When do you have a bath?

In hotels. If the hotel has a good bath, I like a bath. I couldn't tell you the last time I did a bath. I like a bath. There was that question going around to men being like, do you wash your butt in the shower? Oh, I wash my butt. Yeah. Because you can't have any.

Anyway, we won't get into much detail, but fecal matter can give you an itchy butt. You can give you a rash. Yes. To be honest, these days, I sometimes just jump in the shower for the purpose of that. Yeah, and then there's the question of women asking guys, like, do you know where to put the conditioner on your hair? Well, I don't have a lot of hair. But, like, where do girls put conditioner on their hair? Oh, the ends.

The ends, which means you've dated other women besides me because I never told you that. So you go, someone cooked here, which now I realize, is someone cooked here, is that a breaking bad reference? Oh, is it? Because everyone was saying, like, it was a thing going around of a guy knowing something about women, being like somewhat cooked here. I don't know what it was, but it reminds me of Breaking Bad to be like someone was cooking bed

in here before. Right, because he says, he does say someone cooked here. He comes down to the lab and he goes somebody cooked here. Smell it. I feel like it could be. Anyway.

Anyway, Hannah's only watching Breaking Bad for the first time at the moment. She's nearly finished. It's taken forever and it's been, I've tried to quit multiple times, but I've been pushing through. It's like meth addiction. Literally.

You just can't stop. I keep trying to get off. It makes you feel terrible. It's fucking misery. There's a lot of depression, a lot of death. But then the highs are fucking high. Well, it's good. It's awesome.

It's good. It's so good. And then you chase it for the next seven episodes. It's like, we didn't need to wait three episodes for this to happen. But man, what happens. Woo, baby. That's what I literally replace stuff because I'm like, I know nothing good is going to happen for a long time. And I want to watch it.

Anyway. All right. Here's one. Here's one. This has almost a relevance to our life. Hi, Hannah and Does. So the dumbest thing I've ever bought. and I still think about this, to this day, was $700 knives.

There's this brand called Cutco, and you could buy into it and then, like, sell. I'm pretty sure it was a pyramid scheme. I don't know. But they called me while I was hanging out with this guy, and I was so excited to get them. And then she told me the price. Like, I had already been like, oh, yeah, I'm getting these knives. Like, that's going to make me cool. It didn't.

He, I've never spoke to the guy again since that day, honestly, but yeah, she was like, yeah, they'll be $700. And I was like, well, I cannot seem like I'm broke in front of this man. And I just sat on this 10 minute call. I have to buy them. So I did. And they did cut really well, but they were not worth $700. It's a sales tactic to like, the longer they keep you on the phone, the more you feel indebted

to them and obligated. um which is a good thing to know when you're in getting sold to yeah because you just need like everyone just needs to decide what's my out sentence yeah for scenarios where i do feel bad yeah you just need to have it as someone who was in sales like i feel a lot of empathy for salespeople and like sometimes like they they're having a shitty day they get hung up on all the time sometimes i'll just you know what i'll make a friend and i'm like you know what i'm personally like i don't i'm not going to make this purchase like you're doing great and I appreciate you thank you thank them thank them for a nice call or just be like look I'm not going to waste your time like we're good it's very also New Yorker

like you're used to just like people trying to sell you stuff on the street and you're just like bro no I can't spend if I said yes to every person that wanted me to buy something on the street I'd have nothing but good knives matter good knives matter but I guess you could get like two good knives at like home goods because because we were in colds one day and i was like oh let's get a knife and you were like we have a knife and i was like you know we need a we need like a few different types of knives it is funny that like there's things you pretended to like for a man good knives well nicky who just visited us he uh once bought me a knife as like a present i think for my 40th yeah him and his wife bought me a very expensive knife and at the time i was like

But that, still to this day, incredible knife. Incredible knife. Yeah, well, it's the difference. I have a ton of really cheap Amazon purchases that in my head, I'm like, it's $15 I could buy it. But it accumulates a lot of shit that you're not going to use. Yes. So the question is, do you invest it into something that's at least high quality that you're

not going to use? Have you ever had a situation where you went to buy something not knowing how expensive it was? And then when it was so expensive, you were like, you kind of felt too embarrassed to not buy it. I had it once. It depends where I'm at financially but like I you can never get me to spend money. I've definitely done it even like grocery shopping where I'm like how much is that? Then I'm like oh I don't need those fucking whatever. I'll embarrass myself and be like sorry I don't want that. I think I told you this story before but a long time ago I was in Beverly Hills.

I've only been to Los Angeles twice in my life but I was in Beverly Hills and I was like oh I'll buy a present on Rodeo Drive as like a that's like a funny thing to do like were Dale Drive, such a famous shopping street. Yeah. That's how they get you. I went into Prada. No concept of the cost of handbags. This is my first handbag experience. Also, in America versus Europe, it's more expensive in America.

And I'm doing, I'm doing okay, so I'm thinking that I'll be all right in the Prada shop. I had no concept of how expensive these things were. Find a super cool bag. I'm like, I'll take it. I've never discussed the price, because they don't have prices on these Prada bags. Which is so annoying. Right? I'm like Mr.

fucking money bags in my mind. I get to the cash. I don't even ask him the price. I just give my credit card. The first time I see the price is when I go to sign the fucking receipt. And it was two and a half G. And I,

of course I didn't say anything, but I was like in shock. And this was a bag? A bag. And this was in the 80s? This was approximately like, no, actually, I can tell you exactly when it was, it was 2005.

Because it was after I did the Aspen Comedy Festival. A $2,500 back in 2005 is like a $5 grand bag now or six grand bag now. Wow, what a lucky lady that was. Anyway. Did you return it? No. It went down very well, actually, that gift. Yeah, because you bought her a fucking...

But here's the problem. It actually cost me twice as much money because my fucking mother got jealous and was like, I always wanted a prodig. So I fucking bought her one. So, but the good news about that one is, didn't I, I tried to give you my mother's Prada bag, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was the bag.

Yeah, that's the second. That was the, that was the one I had to buy because my mother was like, oh, I never got a Prada bag. That is so funny. Yeah. So I gave you that, right? Where is that bag? It's over, it's here. Oh, yeah, because I had that bag redone.

Yeah. Anyway, whatever. It's funny because, yeah, I didn't, my mom was, like, never interested in, like, designer and stuff. that so we didn't get into any of those but when i walk into a shop and there's no price they almost like know it's embarrassing for you to ask what the price is yes so like it's basically like i guess to cut out people who like care about pricing and but my thing is i don't play that game i don't play that game and when i see something the price fully makes it either better or worse Like, it's like, oh, I like that t-shirt.

Not if it's $300, I don't like that t-shirt. $300 t-shirts is such bullshit. Oh, I can't fucking deal with that. Such bullshit. Oh, God. I've also, you know, when you're at a restaurant and they say the special, but they don't say how much the special is, and then you order it, and the special is like $62. That's interesting, because I always find it weird when they say the price on the special.

No, it makes sense now. No, but I will. Don't tell me the price is special. When you're young and you decide to go to a nice restaurant. restaurant and they don't get the price on the special you're like but i have to say generally i always feel like the special prices are somewhat in line with like everything else it's going to be like ten dollars more you kind of know 10 to 20 more yeah kind of know i know you're right well at certain places you're like okay you don't have to say the price but sometimes i appreciate it i'm like thank you

okay if people are adding it up i appreciate that yeah on cooth is page's favorite word these i actually don't know what these are so i'm going to play this because i need you to tell me Hi, Hannah and Dads. Love you guys. Had such a good time at both of your shows and I'm looking forward to Club Gigli. Anyway, I've made a lot of dumb purchases, but the number one has to be a pair of leubitons. Like, you know, how you always say you pack for vacation as if you're going to be a completely different person on said vacation. Well, that was me. And now they're sitting in my closet. Like, who do I think I am? I'm not page to Sorbo. I'm a midwesterner living in the desert who watches TV all day and drinks beer.

It's time to accept. And I had to tell my parents that my boyfriend bought them for me because I couldn't have them know just how dumb of a purchase I made. Anyway, bye. I love it. Throw the boyfriend under the bus. But that's another one of those things that you feel culture. Where are they?

Louis Vuitton is a very... Oh, they're Louis Vuittons. No, no, no. Loubaton. It's not Louis Vuitton. So what is it? It's a shoe. Oh, okay.

It's a heels. It's, I mean, I don't really know a lot about them, but. Okay. No, because I just wasn't sure. It's walk a mile in these lubitans. Oh, now I get it. That's from in these lubitans. This is the thing.

Sometimes you'll put on shoes and you're trying it on. You're like, yeah, I can wear these. And then when the day of, you're like, you try to walk or you spend like five minutes in them and you're like this is a death trap and i don't care something page again would say you know fashion is pain and she doesn't care how much they hurt she's going to wear them to look good i'll wear my crocs oh yeah well you're a big crock person it's comfortable comfort over cuth yeah i mean i used to i used to be more fashionist pain kind of guy oh god no but but i'm uh what pain were you dealing with like shoes yeah like blisters from stiff shoes because you want to wear like

a really sweet pair of shoes to like something but also like you were performing in them i feel like most guys but nowadays it's like stylish to have like a nice sneaker with yeah well you're a big fan of the sneaker yeah so i mean we're basically done let me just play this because i mentioned it at the beginning and i was inspired by this message i'll play this and then we'll hit the road hello beautiful friends this isn't one specific purchase but i feel like so many people can relate to the habit of like you find what you think is your new hobby so you invest all of this money and all of the things in order to start that hobby and then as soon as you acquire all of the things you completely lose interest and you know for me most recently it was thinking i'm going to start my

own craft shop so i bought a cricket and a heat press and vinyl and all this paper and all of this bullshit and then once i had it all i was like i don't even want to do this why why do i have all of this shit. So now it's just sitting in a room next to, you know, bread making stuff and pottery making stuff and 20 other hobbies that I thought I was passionate about until I realized it was just hyperfocus and ADHD. And now I'm poor because I have all of this shit that I don't need and I'm also too lazy to sell. And I just know that there's so many other people out there who are stuck in this same loop and we need help. Yeah, that is such a good last one because I went on this like during COVID sometimes you just get really inspired by like one YouTube video and this girl was

like you just have to eat clean and I got I bis was like I'm going to be a health person starting tomorrow I ordered all these like healthy flowers do you remember like it's still in the house of like just like crazy health food like who did I think I was going to be and I ordered like a hundred over a hundred dollars worth of these like flowers and pasta gluten whatever and i never touched it um i also bought a sewing machine you not with you that was like this is my thing i feel like you can't even do laundry you literally don't know how to use a washing machine i actually took a class in williamsburg a sewing class and i i went to a couple of times but i was like i'm buying a sewing machine um I did actually use it like twice.

I thought I was going to be a fashion designer, I guess, at the time. That's so full circle because the building that you live in in New York City was built by the garment workers union. Good for you. Yeah, it was just like I wanted that full circle moment for me. But I have to say there is something exciting about a hobby, but I'm working on a bit where like you know things are going badly when you're trying to start a hobby. like that's your lowest time when you're like

should I become a basket weaver that's funny I did buy one of those I have a needle thing it's still sitting on the I was going through a bad time when I bought that by the way my

I did it one night a recent dumb purchase I made was I bought one of those like inversion tables that are meant to be good for your back oh yeah but I didn't really like when it showed up yeah and humonged like really difficult assembly which I feel like that's a whole subsect of things you buy you go like this is awesome and then it shows up

you're like I'm not fucking assembling this also like if it's that life changing everyone would be doing it I feel like yeah I do think with the hobbies I am jealous of people like my mom was loved crocheting like all she did after work we'd sit down and she'd be crocheting

and we'd have all these beautiful blankets and like it seemed really peaceful and nice and like I wish I could be consistent in something like that I did one day of the like sewing whatever and I was like this is fucking boring well yeah I'm not my grandmother always made us those Afghans but I just that was like a thing my my therapist was like I want you to start a hobby that doesn't involve success or other people being impressed by it and I was like

boo no thank you she's like just do it for you and I was like oh gross what's the point what's the point i mean i can't post the photo of it on instagram and show people i made a hilarious like sewing thing and she was like no and i was like boo anyway um thank you guys so much for dialing in these are was a fucking hilarious episode i love this episode so much um i'm gonna be in calgary next week not this the 25th i'm being calgary with eliza slessinger which is pretty fucking awesome pretty cool summer fun some some Some are fun in Calgary. So I'm probably not going to, I'm not going to have any new material.

But it'll be loose that show. But it'll be loose. It'll be fun. I'll do some crowd work. Maybe I'll try some new stuff. Who knows. Come by. Say hi.

I'm about to add another New York show. The first show sold out. Well, there's actually like, there's like 10 tickets left, but they're like these insanely expensive tickets, which I didn't ask for that. So I may try to change the price on those tickets. But we are about to add a second show in New York, September 28th. And don't forget Madison, Milwaukee, and like, tons of shows. in the autumn. From late September, both me and Hannah. Well, Hannah's going to be busy from the

beginning of September, but from mid-September, we're both going to be very busy. Very exciting stuff. I hope you guys are enjoying the rest of your summer. We'll talk to you guys soon. Thank you.