Berner Phone - Berner Phone #55: Spicy Advice

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

We're back this week with another advice episode. The dialers have found themselves in some sticky situations and we're giving our unprofessional advice.  $200 off exercise machines at tonal.com with code BERN 50% off at factormeals.com/BERN50 with code BERN50  Get a new wireless plan at mintmobile.com/BERNER  Affordable luxury essentials at quince.com/BERN free shipping  25% off daily synbiotic at seed.com/BERN with code 25BERN  25% off shaving needs at shopflamingo.com/BERNER   

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. It's me and your boy, D. Bish. I like how every episode you start so confidently with some intro, And halfway through, you realize, oh, shit, I haven't thought about what I'm going to say. I just, look, I start talking and I figured out as I go.

I'm not a pre-planter. I'm in a really good mood because the U.S. Open just started. Nice. So I can't wait to watch all the matches. The first week is my favorite because there's so many plot lines, so many storylines, so many upsets. By the second week, it's like you kind of know. Yeah, I know. We should have went this week, actually.

It's okay. Next year we're definitely going to the qualifiers. It's funny because people were telling me like Oh are you going to try to go to the finals And I'm like the finals are first of all no Well first of all it's bad value for money Because you only get one match You get one match also

I feel like you want to watch the finals at home Yeah Because you could be like really focused on it And you want the commentating And I say that I did fall asleep During every final ever Yeah if it's like a legendary match Then you wish you were there

But like you know Anyway we don't want to lose We don't want to lose the line I feel like this is very niche opening well we every now and then we get in the mood where we're like we just want to give advice to the dialers and we love to see what people submit do you want me to rat you out on what really happens when we ask for advice no or do you want to pretend that that's not the case i do it when i'm in the mood for it okay because i do it when we can't think of a good prompt

it's not i can't think it's when we can't agree on it because if we can't agree on the prompt then I feel like there's bad energy going into it and one of us would be like, I told you that wasn't a good prompt. We've never done that. We've never done it. There's never been an accusation of I told you it wasn't a good prompt. The only thing that has been is surprise at the responses sometimes being really good or surprise sometimes at just like not as much variety as we expected. My favorite though was when we asked what men want to know about women and they couldn't come up with anything. Well, there's just not enough guys that listen. We didn't, we just didn't get a enough. So anyway, let's not get bogged down in admin. It's an advice episode. Yeah. We've got a lot.

I love giving unsolicited advice, solicited advice, unprofessional advice. I just like having a strong opinion. Honestly, life, you really don't make wrong decisions. You just have to make a decision and then lean into it. And the universe, it'll get you where you need to be eventually. We can end the episode there. That's my advice. Okay, thank you. Great episode. 10 minutes of ads, five minutes apart. Okay, let's start with it. There's a lot of relationship stuff. Let's start with this.

Hi, so this guy I'm dating. His friends with his girlfriend doesn't seem to want to make boundaries between them. They dated for four years and broke up a year ago. Recently, she's called him when we've been hanging out. He has a dog and she's a vet, so she'll watch him on occasion, but recently it's become a few times a month, and that's why she was calling. So when I pressed on this, he said for the first time of a son, dating. It's her dog too, which sent me into Fury because he bought this dog years before

meeting her. So it's not hers because it's not a child, you know. She's also part of his friend group and whatnot. And I've met his friends of the group, but still haven't met her. And he claims they moved on and it's a platonic thing, but I don't think it's true because this being friends with your ex thing is like foreign to me, if anything. I feel like she maybe hasn't moved on. Maybe he has. But what's the best way for me to set boundaries around this quote-unquote friendship with her in a way that, you know, isn't super combative. Thank you. That's a good one. It's a good one. And she has a lot of wisdom in the way that she puts it across. So I don't even know if she needs us, but I'm very grateful because it's, that's a dilemma. I'm actually intrigued with

what you're going to say first. Oh, oh. Now that now it's on me. Yeah. Well, I don't have a definitive answer because it's always complicated to friends with the ex and it's always open to interpretation on what's acceptable and what isn't so it sounds to me and I think she agrees that the woman is more not over it than him I could be it could be it could be wrong obviously that's what she's hoping yeah it's very I don't I don't have it's hard because You never want to be controlling. You never want to, like, start a fight when there's actually nothing going on. And you don't even want to have to ever, like, make rules, I feel like in your relationship.

Like, you hope that organically you just feel safe and trust. The dog is a little annoying because it's like, are we using it as an excuse? Yes. But that's where I kind of feel like, instead of you being like, this is what I want, you have a conversation. with him and be like this is how I'm feeling like tell me why I'm like wrong in this situation because if you just start making rules

and hoping he listens he's going to have animosity towards you but sometimes like all you need is to hear him say something or talk about it and it'll put you at ease but this is such a valid situation a year is so fucking fresh to like these people used to fuck it's not easy to just turn to friends and I'm not saying

they still love each other it's just like you're not fucking friends yeah I mean I would say I would say it's close to an inappropriate amount of interaction yeah

and especially when she's like acutely aware of it I definitely don't I think she should not be upset she shouldn't be critical of herself for feeling the way that she's feeling no no

if I think she has some alarm bells bells going off and she's also I would like to know who broke up with who See, that's what I, whenever I feel like a little bit of, like, confusion, I'm like, give me the context in this. Like, how did you guys break up? Why do you hate her now?

Why do you still like her now? Like, what's the vibe? And then, because then you'll be able to contextualize your, the situation more. I've had ongoing interactions with my exes over the years. But never this level. Like, it seems a little. little too much yeah but at the same time i understand why you're saying she shouldn't be perceived as somebody who's saying you can't do this but at the same time a conversation needs to be had

which they've had a conversation obviously because didn't she say that he said there's it's nothing or something he said it's nothing oh it's her dog too also it's her dog too and then she's saying i disagree with him it's not her dog too yeah where i do think it's kind of like okay so am i coming into a co-parenting relationship which that's a whole other episode the co-parenting of a pet after a breakup yes i mean i think sometimes the pet is a is a casualty you got to let it go you got to let it go you got to let it go i mean one of them is not letting go in the other relationship yeah and i we don't know who that is yeah i am also very like to move on from stuff. I do a cold turkey thing. It's like smoking. You don't just like smoke every week while

you're quitting. You leave. And then you're available to be involved in other things. And they weren't married. You know, it's like she said, it's not a kid. You know, like this is an, I would say this is a slightly unhealthy amount of interaction. But that's just my opinion. Yes. No, I think this girl is right in that something feels a little weird. And it's annoying that she's the one that has to be like, hey what the fuck but I think if he knew that this was upsetting you um then he might put the foot down for the boundary it's just like he can't read your mind either I think sometimes guys could be sometimes guys can be super slimy and then sometimes they could be like super innocent where like they don't even see a problem yeah it's just weird when people remain that close

after a breakup I wonder like is she dating someone now like what's the tea and then her not being around when they're physically hanging out with the group is also showing like it's still a it's not like oh no one cares anymore it's so chill we're just friends it's like it's not it's just been a year yeah and it's it's definitely uncomfortable for her you don't want to hear your boyfriend talking about interactions with their ex imagine sitting with him and she's calling like i don't like that at all that's very weird that's like the one time it's like almost acceptable to keep shit on the down low if you have an element of of a relationship like some lingering things that you have to deal with your ex with.

You kind of like, don't, don't let, don't let that leak into your own, you know, your relationship with your partner. I just, I don't love it. Yeah, and I wonder, like, is he like this with all his exes? Is this a particular thing? I feel like this girl is totally in the right. All your feelings are valid, have some communication. And then if he's being fucking weird about it, like maybe this is a sign.

All of ours end with breakup with him. No, you can't just say break up with him, but I do think that she needs to... I've broken up for less. She needs to get clarity. She needs to get a little bit of clarity. I have so many questions too. I'm like, does she look like you, the ex? And also it's like she's a vet.

Okay, cool. Be a vet for your own patience. You don't need your ex's dog. She's a vet. Did she say that? Yeah, the girl's a vet. So she likes checking in on the dog. Oh, on the dog.

I just, I wish I knew who's not letting go of who. But this is the thing. If a guy's really over the girl, like, does he let her call him all the time? These are questions that we can't answer. These are questions we can't answer. Because you have to, sometimes you're giving enough for them to think it's okay to call you. Yeah. We have so many follow-up questions, unfortunately.

We have follow-up questions. We need to know if she's in a relationship. But your feelings are valid, speak up. But I do think whenever you just go like, you're not allowed to talk to her, it doesn't help. So you try to do it in a communicative way. This one's going to drive you crazy. Okay. So I'm dating this guy and we went to his house for the first time, got some takeout, some tariaki.

And then he was like, are you a messy eater? And I was like, I mean, yeah, sometimes. and he's like well I usually eat on the couch but and then so he goes over to his living room moves this whole ass rug out from underneath the coffee table and tells me to go sit down over there and I'm like wait what would you do if I spilled food on your rug would you be mad and he was like yeah and I was like seriously and he was like yeah is this a red flag or no It's fucking insane. This is clearly a red flag.

I mean, all right, the guy's OCD. Like, and that's not even real. Whenever we say that, people, I always get message to people saying that's not really what OCD is. Okay, fine. But like, this guy. That could be his form of OCD, which is, I've definitely been in, I did, um, Ryan Glassman's podcast and he'll, he jokes, like, I walked in and I have to take my shoes off or he, like,

loses it. And then, like, I left the, the light on in his bathroom. And he was like, do you always leave light? on a bathroom like he was freaking out the whole time and he was just like this is my OCD this is just who I am he should not come here I did I could tell you that right I took I did get into it once where I was eating popcorn and obviously missing my mouth and it was like hitting the couch and I picked it up and ate it from the couch and this guy was like can you not do that right and I mean there's certain times where things fall I'm not a day but popcorn is one of those ones where like like

Basically, if you're not going to eat popcorn that's falling, you're accepting that 30% of the popcorn in your life is not going to be eaten. Also, it wasn't on the floor. It was on the couch. Yeah, and granted, yeah, if you look. It's not like you're going in between the couch to pick up old popcorn. But also, if you overthink anything. It's like, oh, here's a penny and some popcorn.

If you overthink anything, it gets disgusting. So, like, it depends. All right, so this is a red flag. Also, like, we have had a rug sitting, like, outside. forever because we're too lazy to figure out how to put the rug under the furniture the fact that he's taking it out from the furniture just for a casual meal

with this girl is interesting. Yeah, it's just interesting even that he said are you a messy eater? You know? What does it even mean? Like, are you a child? I normally eat on the couch. It's so weird.

It's like I normally eat on the couch but I don't have faith that you're not going to miss your mouth. Like I don't get it. The conversation needs to be are you like, are you abnormally anal about stuff like that and if that he should be like would you be weirded out if i was super anal about how you ate yeah because at the end of the day it's like if it's a sting if he's got a little

oCD or whatever the the right term for that is then you can go okay so that's that's his thing i understand but you know what my mind goes to this man is not going to go down on you well oh right he he also is not going to probably do anything other than missionary yeah i feel like i feel like he's going to go down yeah i was just going to say if he goes down he has like a like a ritual are we gonna am i going down on you okay hold on let's just say you better be fucking shaven yeah when he goes down he put the towel down before missionary like a waiter in a michelin star restaurant suddenly he's like putting down the perfect sheet yeah or he's one of those guys that like the second you start hooking up, he just changes and becomes like a Tasmanian devil,

which I don't like either. I'm like, who are you? And where did the nice, polite man before this go? What is the reference, like, what is the reference of Tasmanian devil in this, in this metaphor? Tasmanian devil isn't a cartoon? Yeah. But like, like, him being like, Oh, right. Okay. What else would it be? Well, you know, because it's just like, because we're talking about in bed, I just wasn't sure. No, it's so funny because you're not a girl. But, like, sometimes guys will be, like, sweet romantic.

Sometimes they'll be like, you know, a little masculine. And sometimes they become like, rar! And he's like, oh, my gosh. Like a rabbit dog. Yeah. Like the rabies is it. Yeah. So anyway, it's a red, her question was, is it a red flag?

It's clearly a red flag. But I don't think it has to be like a 100% full stop sign. It's a real red flag, but it's not a deal breaker. Not a deal breaker. But you need to find out if he's like particularly OCD about this thing. I've dated OCD guys and like sometimes it's funny and you can laugh about it. It's just you don't want them to feel like you're disgusting. And the ultimate goal is when you go to a guy's place, everything you do, he wants to kiss the ground.

You walk on and you feel very welcome and he feels honored that you're even sitting on his couch because you're doing him a fucking favor to even be in his apartment. I mean, it's a worry, early part of the relationship where the OCD comes first over the offense of like, can you sit in this playpen and eat your food? No, like, are you a messy eater? Like, what the fuck does that mean? It makes me just want to take a wine bottle and throw it at his couch, but that's my own issue. So you assume it's going to escalate. I just feel like if also first dates, why you have to really look out for these is because this is them on their best behavior. This is him trying to be the most likable person possible

And you know that if you guys end up hating each other That you're just going to like deliberately drop shit all over his couch I was going to say you're going to Amber heard that Squatty potty This is a classic dilemma here Hi hi Hannah Hi Des love you both love this show You guys are both hilarious and crushing it

So I started seeing a guy about a month ago and like on paper the dates have been nice like everything I would like want to have in a date he's super sweet and the sex is amazing like we have fun with it and it's good um the only thing is like the conversation feels like it's been hard like it's kind of forced um it's not really like naturally flowing and I'm just wondering is that a sign of like not enough chemistry or is it still too soon to tell or like how can I get it to you know that place where we're just like more naturally and easily chatting a bit more like I want to be silly and I want to be goofy and I'm just not feeling that yet how long do I wait that's a really

good question great question because I feel like there's two sides to this either like you guys clearly have really great physical chemistry and you're attracted to each other but like maybe he's not your person for life or like guys and girls like you get nervous like when you like someone you sometimes overthink stuff and you're not sure how to act

and like nerves are a part of it and sometimes I feel like it takes people longer to like because you'll eventually get comfortable with him what do you think it is well the good news is that the sex is good so while you're waiting to find out if that's going to get better you can still have a good time i would say odds on it's probably not i i feel like that is the one that usually comes quicker the chemistry with talking yeah yeah but it's not a guarantee that it won't yeah so

the good news is you're having good sex the dates are fine you're just a little like not feeling it on the conversation front. Yeah. Give it a bit more time. And if it continues, you get out. Because at the end of the day, long-term relationship, the sex, it's not going to be the number one thing. It's an important thing.

But you're talking a lot more than you're fucking. I always say that. A relationship is just one long conversation you're having with someone. You know. And I do have to say, people say, yeah, the sex is good. There's a lot of guys, the sex will be good. But I'm telling you, you'll be with this guy. And in a couple months, you'll be at a bar and start talking to a guy where the conversation's

good. and you'll be like, that's the guy I want to fuck. Yeah. So. Or you're going to be at some party or some dinner party. And like he's going to be talking and you're going to be like, Jesus Christ, he's so fucking boring. And then you see one person with charisma and you're going to be like, I don't care how good the sex is. I want to have sex with the guy with charisma. Yeah.

You know. I'm trying to think because obviously, silly is really important to me. And there are some people that you just feel like it's not hitting with. And I've tried. Like I've tried so hard and been like, I'm just bombing or like I think we just haven't been in the right situation but it's it's not it's not your job to force stuff it should naturally happen all right I'm just going to say this without getting too sappy but I knew within five minutes of meeting you that we were a good

match from talking not from fucking and you were a sweaty mess when I met you so it's sweaty Like, I remember you hugged me And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was baking in the sun waiting for me. But anyway, the point is that, like, I think, I really think that most of, and, okay, people can disagree. Most of the real connections come from, like, like, a hitting it off straight away. Yeah. Yeah, and I think especially for women, like, yeah, it's nice to see a guy who's attractive, but

you become attracted to him when you have that banter and you feel like he sees you and understands you and makes you laugh and can poke fun at you where like when good look I feel like guys can date longer based on looks where girls like give me the hottest guy who like isn't confident in himself or doesn't know how to talk to you and I like can't do it no not for any period of time but you know you're in good shape you kind of know what's up pay attention give us an update I feel like in my 20s I wasn't aware ever if the chat was bad because I just didn't care about that. I was like too busy figuring out who I was and I like felt like I could hold any conversation pretty well myself. Yes. And then it would take months later that I'd be like,

oh, I've been doing the heavy lifting here. Yeah, and you know, the reality is that you don't even really notice until suddenly you're in a situation where the conversation's sparking and then you're like, oh shit, so this is what it's meant to be like. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Oh shit. This is so much better.

Yep. You know, so. But then you also have... But he's hot and you're having good sex. Enjoy it. There are also... I've had the ones where the guys, like, aren't that hot, but you, like, love talking to them.

And then you, like, love their conversation so much that you're like, should we fuck? And then you fuck and you're like, no, they're actually just someone I have kind of good chemistry with. Yeah. I mean, let's face it. We're vain people. You know, you need all the match. It's not just the chat.

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that shop flamingo.com slash burner for 25% off your first order when you use code burner all right this is a biggie i'm coming to the realization that i don't think i want kids and i've always thought this my whole life i've known but now i'm 28 and have zero interest in dating um and seeing all my friends happily married and wanting to have kids having kids going to those kids birthday parties like I've been around them enough and I've been seeing their relationships and their lives that they lead with their kids and it's just repulsive to me and I don't mean that to be funny even like it's a horrifying future in my opinion and it makes it difficult to be around the people the friends that I have that I love because I want to shake them and ask them how

are you enjoying this? What are you doing with your life? So how do I deal with this? Classic dilemma. What was interesting to me is how she was saying she never wanted kids, which I think is like, I like the consistency of it. It's not like she saw one bad relationship and was like, oh, kids ruin it or I fucking hate those asshole kids. She's always kind of felt deep down. That's who she is. But then she randomly threw in and I don't want to date. Oh, I didn't hear that. Yeah, she was like, I have no interest in dating. Right. Which is interesting because that's a whole other thing, like wanting to be single and not having kids. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't even pay attention to that point. I was just so entertained by her being horrified when she's at like these kid events. Yeah. Which, you know, I can partially identify. I've been the other way where I always kind of expected I would have kids. And now I'm at the point in my life where I'm like, logically learning the pros of not having kids that I didn't even know was possible. Yeah, well, that's what happened to.

I mean, I was, I'm always, I was always into having kids. But obviously, as I was getting older and didn't have kids and my friends were having kids, like I absolutely know the feeling she has. Because honestly, when you don't have kids, like visiting your friend's kids is awesome. Your friend has one or two kids. You play with the kids. It's awesome. Go into your friend's house when your friend's kids.

is having a birthday party and there's 20 of these little fuckers running around then you're like this is a nightmare but that's because you don't belong there it's not a place for a single person without kids unless you have a job and it's a different experience if one of those nightmares is your nightmare yeah and like once you're in you know once you're in that parenting zone yeah like then it all makes sense but when you're not in the parenting zone it doesn't make sense And also it sucks because like these are clearly her friends and then you feel so like kind of out of the loop or you feel like you don't understand and you don't have things in common to talk about because these you get so obsessed with being a parent and it's so fun to bond with other parents to be like what diapers they are using. I don't know if you're to talk about. So I do think that she's coming to a time in her life where like opening up to possibly making new friends.

Which is hard in your, like, late 20s, but this is also a perfect time. Like, these aren't your party friends anymore. You know who you are now. You know what stuff you like. I would lean into your hobbies that you can do because you don't have kids and meet people through that while also sustaining a relationship that isn't forcing you to do things you don't want to do with your other friends. Yeah, I do think I've maintained great relationships with all my friends, well, most of my friends

that have had kids. And there's like a time and a place. And honestly, what I find, just judging from her age, what usually happens is once the kids are like a little more stable, like in school, they flock back to you because they get a bit of their own time back and they actually want that non-kid time. But when the kids are like two, three, heading towards four, like before they're really like in school and before they're really like able to sort of entertain themselves, it can be like just too much. Too much.

They can't get that moment alone. I also do want to say there's all these, like, studies coming out, and I don't know the legitimacy on all of them, but it's been pretty consistent that they say the happiest women are single with no kids. Really? Unmarried women with no kids are the happiest women. Like Chelsea Handler.

Really? Because they're saying that once you get married, you then have like this whole caretaking role that takes away from yourself, and it's a lot of heavy lifting from women marriage and that a lot of women who are single and no kids are the happiest. Interesting. Or at least the most successful in their career too.

Oh, which is it? I think it's both. Interesting. Where did you see this? No, there's a lot of studies that, you know. Did this come out after J.D. Vance talked about Childest Cat Lys? Yeah, there was all this stuff coming out. But it is proven in some capacity.

I'm just saying we're in a word. now. 48%. I mean, the thesis concludes. But it is proven that a marriage is more beneficial for men than women. Interesting.

Is it proven? Well, it's the concept of like after a divorce, a lot of the time men will immediately just find a wife because they like and death. And then women will be like, oh shit, it's fucking nice and I have a dude

that I'm like taking care of. And also sacrificing a lot of things for and then a lot of the time the women stop wanting to fuck the man because they're seeing him as like one of their kids that they have to like take care of so like the women lose attraction tend to lose attraction to men first and that's why men complain oh my wife doesn't want to have sex with me and it's like your wife does have a high sex drive she just not attracted to you anymore interesting okay now I'm going to a whole ran well you really are because there's a lot of sweeping assumptions I'm making some mass generalizations mass generalizations

this is there's no facts that have been told. Yeah, especially because I was thinking oh yeah, is she looking after me with the blind leading the blind well that's why I don't I don't take care of my husband and that's why I have a happy marriage by the way this goes both ways

there was no I take care of you in other ways baby yeah no but oh sorry but just before we jump off this because I've gone through a lot of feelings that she's talking about. Number one, if you decide not to have kids, that's absolutely fine. Number two, as my, as Steve Mullen said to me, which I think we've said on the pod before,

kids are like farts. You love your own ones, but other people still smell. So like, obviously, if you had kids, I don't think this feeling that you have would continue. I think something innate would change in you, but again, not a guarantee. So like you said, find some new friends, but also. So don't totally lose heart on your existing friendships. I do feel like honestly, all my closest friends have kids.

Yeah. And we still have, we still have great. It's just like a different system. And yeah, the years of the kids depends on their time and stuff. But when the parents want to get out of the house, when they have time, ooh, you're seeing your next. Especially, like, what I find, and this is nothing against the spouses. But like, I do find if you can get your original friend away from their spouse, man or woman,

and just have a bit of time like it was back in the day. It's very, like, it's very freeing. You just, you have your bit of time. And that's fun. Yeah. You know, because at the end of the day, it's like, your long-term friends, you just have this, like, specific thing amongst yourselves,

and it's great to be able to indulge in that. Yeah. Nobody's getting hurt by that. It's just like, let's get together. Let's have some food and just talk the way we always talk. Yeah. And that will come back when these kids all get a little older. Yeah.

And they'll be very grateful to have you. the married kids the married people with kids love the single friend yeah they love it yes they feel free and keep keep you know doing your thing because they'll

live vicariously through you if you have some good tales to tell them okay this is like a serious one but you know I think we can motivate okay my question is how to stay passionate about something that you're wildly burnt out on because I'm getting my PhD in psychology and I think I've been burnt out

for approximately two years now, maybe longer, who knows. And I am passionate about it, but my will to give any fucks is disappearing. I would love your two cents on how you fight through burnout to stick with comedy or maybe it's just a fucking delight to keep working on it and traveling nonstop and doing the million things that you both are doing but yeah we'd love to hear your thoughts I love this question love the question love it when when I answer it I'm not going to be comparing it to comedy but you can go ahead there okay do you know your answer you can go no but I'm just curious what you say just because she's specifically said comparing it to comedy but i wouldn't like the thing with burnout is obviously there's

like a lot of physical things that come with it um and you want to there's ways to combat that but in terms of just like the mental thing sometimes it really is a perspective shift and i remember feeling like like i can't go on stage without feeling like i'm working on something or working towards something or I really feel kind of bored um so a lot of the times it's me even if it's just playing a game with myself like I want to see um if I could get this one new bit to work or I I want to do um a special and I'm going to lean towards that so it's a lot of you playing games with your mind to like give yourself motivation because you can't just expect day in and day out to always wake up and be like,

fuck yeah, I'm so excited to do this. Yeah, I mean, the reason why I don't think the comedy is a great comparison for me is because the work that will come

from you achieving your PhD will be so much more fun than getting that fucking PhD. So the killer about it is it's like necessary suffering in a way. But the truth is that when you're actually working is so much more fun than when you're studying.

That's such a good point. I feel like when I'm doing the really shitty, boring work that needs to be done in whatever careers I've had, I always think I can't wait to tell this story on a podcast or in my book. Even before I was doing anything public eye, like I remember doing sales and being like, this is going to be so good in my story. And like the grind and this stuff is the kind of things that other people will acquit. it so when I feel that hardship I like being like okay this is when so many people drop off

and if I just don't so many more things are going to happen to me like sometimes the worst I feel about something the more excited I get because I go oh the average person is not going to want to do this and that'll take me to the next level yeah and at the end of the day this is just the price of admission you know and like it just opens up so many doors and it's so fucking tedious especially when you've been at it for so long but like this is definitely for me like a moment of you have to keep your eye on the prize i think a more analogous thing for us is like an edit there are times with an edit like particularly on like a big project where it just you can almost not see it it fucking sucks and you just want to be like fuck it i'm not looking at it anymore

but you that's the moment where you have to keep your your eye on the prize because the satisfaction yes at the far end of that when you go thank god i kept my fucking head in the game because now this is momentous but there is there's nothing momentous about like taking your foot off the gas now yeah you know the the achievement will be there sometimes i feel like this is like nLP shit like neurolinguistic programming stuff of like imagine the feeling yeah of the success of this achievement and then you know, put that energy back in to sort of like recalibrate and get your love back. Remember why.

Yeah. Because it's fucking tedious, man. Yeah, it's brutal. Because if everyone could do it, then it wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone would have their fucking PhD. You're doing something that's next level, very difficult. And there also are like little mental health things that you can do, you know. Maybe there are some nights that you go, you know what, I need to clock out.

I need to get extra hours of sleep. I need to veg on my couch and trying to be a little more where every mental stretching more, making sure you're eating healthy, like making sure you do some meditation, little things that just like keep you from completely just your body rejecting the work. Think about how good it'll be to give advice when you can say, well, as a PhD in psychology. Yeah. What I think. Yeah.

You know? I always joke. I just be like my enemies are out to get me. Like think of all the people who want you to fail. and those are the voices you're hearing and say, fuck you guys, not today. And by the way, I have like some minor regrets in my life and a lot of them have to do with actually

like dropping off on my intensity or dropping off on my commitment to like a long-term project. So I would say that like even though this is like these are like the toughest times when the burnouts hit and you know you feel like it's not worth. it that like it will absolutely be worth it you know you're you're you're doing one of the more difficult academic exercises and it actually feels even better when you felt like you couldn't do it and

you do it because then you gain so much confidence in yourself and that's the whole part of why it's so hard because they want you to be capable of feeling the confidence to be able to do anything in the future and just working is just so much fun more fun than study and research like When you get to the other side of this, you're going to be so fucking happy. I also love them trying to give examples, but I don't even know the first thing about getting a PhD in psychology. So I'm like, you know when you're working? You're just working.

I don't either, but I mean, I can only use my sort of mic, you know, like sort of mini examples of my own studies. Yeah. And also, you know, honestly, the Irish fucking leaving. Like Irish education system is very strange because your college education goes into this final exam. But it's not like an SAT. It's like a two-week exam every year.

subject is three or six hour exams and it's very fucking intense yeah and one of my regrets coincidentally enough is I drop I I gave into a little bit of burnout in my last three months and you know I always kind of like I was I've always been a little annoyed at myself that I allowed these distractions to sort of get the better of me in those last few months and it's funny because in the big scope of things you're like you couldn't just have worked for two more months but at that time it felt like the weight of the world. So it's kind of like, keep seeing that big picture and try not to get too overwhelmed with the little stuff.

And be kind to yourself. I've had some friends that have done medicine and a lot of them get burnout. Oh, yeah, for sure. And then, I mean, I was thinking about my tennis. I remember, like, we'd be in the middle of the year. I'd look at the calendar. There's a bazillion matches left.

Like, there's no end in sight and you're exhausted. You've nothing left to give. and it's like sometimes thinking big picture is good but sometimes big picture is overwhelming like oh my god I have so many hours left but it's and then it's getting small and being like how do I survive today and also mentally trying not to like

repeat like I'm burnt out I'm burnt out I'm burnt out I'm burnt down try to change your perspective because then your body like starts believing it and then you start kind of like being that and also can I you say comparing about comedy like I just fucking love doing live performance so that the flip side of it is you got to get this PhD because like I love working so you give yourself the chance to be in the same situation

that I'm in where I don't get burnt out with gigging because I love it yeah I also remember in college at one point being like I can't wait to work and get paid like I'm working so much right now for nothing and I'm like I can't wait for at least a check to be going into my like I just wanted to be in the workforce Yeah make that money But it's true nothing less forever

And keep your head down It's gonna be worth it One day you too can be putting together Studies that Hannah can misquote On a podcast About happiness These fucking people are listening I'm like I fucking worked 30 years for this

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so these Korean soap operas but I'm gonna play it and then we'll see what it was about my recollection is that it's not even a advice question it's just like a statement about some crazy shit that's going on hi Hannah and Des

I am such a big fan of both of you and I'm a long time giggler and I just love you both so much this one might be a little weird and you probably won't have advice but I just need to like say it out loud recently my boss of the last 11 almost 11 years passed away he's the owner of a huge multimillion dollar company everything has now gone to his two daughters who are now my bosses

and I just kind of have to accept this and like keep going to work every day even though I literally got a new boss overnight two of them two new bosses overnight my stress has skyrocketed um it's harder than it's ever been i'm just trying to take it one day at a time and you know one day one one foot in front of the other i don't know as as many good vibes as you can send my way or advice okay love you succession yeah it's uh to me i think about sports about how you know a baseball player or football player they might have a good rapport with the manager then the manager gets fired new manager don't have a good rapport yeah it's kind of like one of those things in life that's like it can happen and it kind of sucks well i find with corporate america

or just like when you have a boss bosses are everything bosses i feel like sports sometimes you could be like i don't agree with this coach and i'm going to kind of just do me um even though they still set the morale but like in an office a boss can fuck your shit up like they create the morale they create you know how much work is being done and it just the boss is everything And I hate to say it, but I don't know if you like own a percentage of this company, but if you're just getting a paycheck and these girls are fucking it up, go to another company. How does it just like break up, leave the job? No, but like the job is all about the leadership.

And if you are like also part of me is like, unless. Like I hate that it's keeping this girl up at night And she's so stressed Which is totally normal Because you want to do great at your job But at the end of the day It's their fucking job to make a good environment For this business

You know? Yeah well I would say yes I agree But also change is stressful Yes So you wouldn't want to react too quickly Because it's very natural To sort of like have a period of adapting 100%

And some of that is going to be stressful You'd hope that they were open about it too To be like hey guys We understand this is fucking crazy And this might seem like a violent switch And we don't fully know what's going on And we are catching up So hopefully they're communicating and stuff

But yeah, you kind of feel like you've had this job That someone like took the floor out from under you And now you're like It's like moving apartments I say it's the most scary thing And there's a lot going on here You know because she probably like She probably got a little grief for the boss

Yeah So it's pretty traumatic So what I would say is Give it some time. No, Canada, come on. I would say give it some time. And if the stress doesn't abate and you continually have questions about it,

then you'll have to do some... Yeah. You know, and there's a couple of options even with then. Like the nuclear option is just quit. But you can also, eventually you can go, maybe I just need to talk to the bosses. The thing that's tough with jobs is I feel like nothing lasts forever.

And I feel like whenever I would get like really good or into a job, something would happen, whether like someone gets promoted or like or someone gets fired or or they get a new new project like it's it's never you never get fucking comfortable it's like a constant thing I do think this is a great learning experience for like dealing with new management and you will be okay um she's probably stressed about I mean yeah there's a bazillion new variables that you didn't have before so I would say try to keep your head down and ultimately it's on them They need to make the company flow the way it was.

You have done nothing wrong. No, but I mean, the thing is that it doesn't always end up that they make it flow the way it was. They might have their own style. I know. And then it's tough. But my thing is moving jobs. Sorry, I loved moving jobs. It was like my favorite thing.

I was like, let's go to a new job. Yeah, but you were in your early 20s. Like, I feel like this is a different time in this person's life. Yeah. I don't mean age-wise. I just feel like she's much more comfortable in this job. She didn't have a desire to move. Well, my thing with new jobs is you always get a raise.

So sometimes, a lot of the time. I don't know. That's my thing. It's like, yeah, just keep bobbing around, keep getting raised. But also, if you leave to go to a new job, that's like you don't know. You never really know the new job what it's going to be like. So you can leave what you know now, which is a little nerve-wracking and scary and stressful. Hopefully

they figure it out because they're only coming into it themselves. You know, give it a bit of time. Hopefully it settles down, but if it doesn't then you'll have to, you know, look at your options. This is the kind of thing that I would try to trauma bond with your coworkers about, you know, when things are kind of going awry, finding

coworkers you can confide in so you don't feel like completely crazy during this time. I'm going to play two of them because we got an odd amount of these. Okay. Hey, Hannah does. All right, little advice I need for my best friend. So about a month ago, my best friend will call her Jessica. Jessica was at home with her parents. Her brothers were gone. She's the oldest. And one night they, like, just, like, sat her down to, like, talk about something. And they both told her that her dad had, like, fathered another. kid in high school. So they were like, please don't tell your younger brothers right now. Yeah. And that's like most of like the thing I got. Like they just told her this. And she's like,

do I, do I tell my brothers? Like, am I keeping this to myself? Like we have another like sister that we never knew about. Like an actual like second family is like in play. What do I do? What do I tell her? I don't know. Wait. I mean, I don't have much advice other than... I mean, you're the one that knows about secret families. Well, I don't know about secret families. That's just your joke. Wait, when she said in high school, it meant like he was in high school or is she in high school?

Like, is his, is the sister in high school or he fathered someone, a girl when he was like 17? Yeah, I think that. That's the way I took it. So, I mean, in terms of it, I don't think there's much advice you can give because Because I feel like that's very much your friend needs to have another conversation with the parents being like, I don't know why I now have to keep this a secret. You kept it a secret from us for too long. And now you're putting it all on the older sister.

Yeah. So I would suggest that your friend needs to go back to the parents and be like, I'm not comfortable keeping this secret. No, this is a full family conversation. Also, it's interesting the like the battle the parents must have had to be like, should we tell them now? Well, now it's too early to tell them. Now it's too late. Now we just don't tell them. Now we should tell them.

Well, I had a friend many years ago. Father was very strict, very strict. And, you know, wasn't supportive of her career choices. And it turned out, and he was a cop, right? And he got a terminal cancer diagnosis. And in his knowing that he's going to death. he comes clean and says this tells her that she has a half brother that he never told him about you know that he has actually like had a relationship with but like never you know kept

it from the family but also kept it from the wife so uh it caused a huge rift and actually was like kind of like in a way almost bad that he said it because it was like what are they supposed to do with that information yeah it was it was it was especially because he was so strict and it was such a it was such a contradiction to the way that he was you know heavy catholic stuff so uh i would say now that the cat's out of the bag you you got to put your parents on the pressure to tell everybody that's what i would say yeah and then also i feel like it depends on the person but some people are like okay well i could have had another like great relationship and like family in my life like there's follow-up questions why weren't they involved can I meet that like there's so many things

I think as the friend it's you just kind of have to be there to like to listen yeah as the friend though you should I would say push her to go back to her parents let's say this is not fair to keep that weight on her yeah that's not her fault and you don't want to hurt her relationship with her brothers or have her be the one to be have the trauma of giving that information to them Like the parents need to parent up. You said you got another message like this? Yeah, so here we go. Hello, I have just found out that my father is not my father at the age of 41.

And neither of my parents will give me any information about who my real father is and any information about why my mother made this choice. How should I approach this? I would like to find my real father. I would like to know if I have siblings. Let's go. Let's figure this out. thank you so much okay so we know who the father is from the previous one i mean i think

41 these are connected i i don't think they're connected he raised her in his high school she's probably around this age she's been told by the mom okay we know what's going on now um wow what do you want it's so late to find that out you know um obviously what do we know but i feel like there's some i feel like there's some protocol around this it's so complicated i've adopted friends you know uh people that have just gone and have gone to find their real parents and they've had like the full spectrum of experiences of like the happy like now we all know each other and it's awesome to like very traumatic like almost like a second

abandonment. There's just been this huge spectrum of results. It's also hard because your 40s I feel like are when they tell you like you're supposed to be like pretty settled like you know who you are and so this like all her feelings are so valid of like you start going in your head of everything you thought

you knew about yourself and about your family. Yeah this guy's not my actual father like it's fucking crazy. And questioning everything. I mean I think you What I think you need to do Is you need to do whatever you want Yeah I feel like in this situation

They they withheld it from you for way too long Right you're 41 years old It's like kind of unearths your whole being Yeah you feel shook to your core So if they don't want to help you Like it's fucked up that they won't tell you who I'm gonna I'm gonna throw a harsh judgment down It's fucked up that they won't tell you who your dad

Your biological father is. Yeah, it seems like it's your right. Because it's not, I don't, it doesn't sound to me like an adoption situation. It sounds like the mother had her before she met the dad. And I've known situations like that, but this is way too late for you to find out. So I think you got to do whatever the fuck you want. And I think you have to, I mean, I don't think you need to fall out with your parents over it, but I think in this situation, you need to put your own feelings first on what you want. And maybe the mom is, you know, hates the dad or, wants to protect her from someone who wasn't going to give her a good upbringing.

Or it's like Bill Clinton. You know what I mean? Or Donald Trump. Yeah, you know, like Game of Thrones. Like it turns out that it was a Targaryen. Not to try to be too positive, but like I'm sensing an ePrey love moment for her. Like let's, this sucks and this is super traumatizing, but this is a time to now kind of reevaluate like who you are, who you want to be, how you see your.

yourself um i i would suggest one one one little cheat would be to do ancestry or 23 and me and hope that maybe your biological father has done it you know because or do both of them actually because then you're in both of those databases because a lot of people do find out crazy things i feel like nowadays it's almost impossible i mean it depends where in the world you are but like with the news and social media to like not find people I feel like yeah I mean yeah there's also that thing of like I've just found out that you know but like I really think first and foremost if you haven't done this already do both send your spit some people have a lot of issues with those companies but send your spit into ancestry and 23 and me you might actually get

a hit you might and you might not get a hit on your father but you might get a hit on like half brothers and sisters like there's just so much crazy stuff like i've known two different well i've known numerous people that found out they were adopted but they found out that their parents actually stayed together and they have full brothers and sisters well including a guy he since died but i used to play golf at him out here and he decides to do ancestry or 23 and me discovers that he has full brothers and sisters that the parents didn't split up obviously had him out of wedlock put him up for adoption the rest of him full brothers and sister he found out when he was in like 68 years old oh my god did you meet them he met them before he died yeah yeah

but anyway well that's the whole the man with 100 kids i didn't watch it because i didn't want to help the algorithm beat me in the netflix top 10 rankings but i guess this guy was sperm don't sperm donating yeah and then there's a guy a doctor who would do that like impregnate all these women with his sperm yeah which is fucking crazy without they didn't know yeah they didn't know it's his yeah they just where like oh this guy helps women have babies um but with this also it's like i have follow-up questions for the parents like i would interrogate the fuck out of them once you've they've given you that information it's like you can't then choose what information to give like but i also have

a touch of grace for the parents where like they obviously probably throughout the years were just like paralyzed by what should we do and then probably got to the stage where they were like we've left it too long yeah i think it's definitely out of love and the dad was probably fearful that it would hurt his relationship with her because he loved her so much. So it's complicated, but you know what? It makes you such an interesting person and you're going to have a lot of funny jokes to come out of this. Yeah, and journal. You should journal. You should write this down because this is unique enough. You know, this is definitely this is a story. I'm feeling a book coming. Yeah, this is a story that

needs to be told. And clearly this isn't a one-off experience. it's it's something that a lot of people are coping with in some capacity now this this one small caveat here and i'm not suggesting this in any way but sometimes you might have to give the tiniest benefit of the doubt to the parents that there's something quite horrific about the well that's what i was saying before that maybe there's a reason yeah because you know i was once on the late late show in ireland and this woman was on who found out very late in her life that she was the product of incest uh so i know this is kind of dark but like we were we were going hard there and then i was like suddenly realized like oh they could actually be like yeah so and

and that's that that that would be i would consider that a pretty valid reason that's that's yeah that is really valid and she's probably she would be protecting her and would not want her to know that. Yeah or even if it wasn't incestuous it could be. Yeah I would get the temperature

from the parents like of what Yeah I There's a lot of reasons going on I love ending the episode as dark as possible That was a dull but you know At the end of the day We're only going on a situation

That came at us Yep And it's fascinating and interesting Yeah and I think maybe They waited until 41 for her to be like really feeling like as emotionally mature as possible and her life as like said as possible to be able to handle this information. Yeah. And I think it's difficult, right? Because now they've told you this. So obviously you're going to want to know. And it's probably if let's just say

hypothetically, it was actually something very traumatic for her mother, which is why she doesn't want to tell her. I would still think that the full disclosure long term, is healthy, but again, I don't, I am speaking well above my pay grade here. That's the hard part. It's, I hate when people are like, this is the reason or like this is, let's, we have to do something and I can't tell you the reason. Like, I can't tell you why. You're like, now I don't give a fuck what it is. I just need to know because your brain is now going to all these like, the human brain needs to know. Like it needs to find out. Yes, but, you know, I wonder if the parents are getting advice of. partial disclosure is the healthiest way i i don't know but i love how her message was actually like pretty short straightforward and we've taken it in so many directions it's pretty recent that she was

just like really like letting off some steam yeah thank you for sharing thank you for sharing incredible holy shit we need an update give us some updates um you guys thank you for calling in this this was a great wide range conversation also um we got a lot of positive feedback on our episode about um stupid purchases so if you haven't listened to that listen to that one we love you guys commenting after the episodes please leave a review if you're enjoying burner phone yes check our websites for our dates i madison wisconsin and milwaukee wisconsin my first trip to wisconsin ever in my life is coming up at the end of september and i added a show in new york september 28th wait i want to come to madison okay we'll see if we can't say for sure because page and i are on tour also and we just

announced we sold out radio city and we just added another radio city so new yorkers come see us radio city um in a couple months a couple months but next month come see me the grammacy theater oh yes second show added maybe i'll stop by well yeah yeah just he's gonna come to all my shows well the ones i want to go to yeah no i assume you'll be at that no well that's i think you're on stage at night maybe we'll see that's a saturday i need to work on new material Wisconsin one is midweek. So perhaps you'll be able to come to Madison. I want to go to Madison with you.

Okay. Well, it's midweek. I think it might not be a problem. Okay. All right. All right. Bye, everybody.