Berner Phone - Berner Phone #57: Bad Roommates

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Bad roommates are a canon event, but they always make for a good story. The dialers are sharing some horror stories and we start to realize we might have been the bad roommates.  quince.com/BERN for free shipping 10$ off at oseamalibu.com with code BERN 25% off at seed.com/bern with code 25BERN $5 with code BERN when you download the Ibotta app  

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? We have a very special roommate episode today. Bad roommate stories. Someone DM me and was like Hannah.

I have really funny roommate stories. And I was like, that is going to be our next prompt. Should we be given credit when people message in a feeling? Yeah, maybe we should. No, I mean, it's fine, but I just... I'll get messages and be like, oh, my God, that was me. That was my idea. Yeah.

Look, I have a lot of muses in the DMs. I think it's great when people message in what ideas. We always really appreciate it. I think, yeah, if you guys have any good prompts, always message us. Roommate stories, I feel like me and you have a different experience. Because you were saying in the car, you haven't had a lot of it. roommates. Yeah, not too many roommates actually. I feel like in Ireland people aren't as anal. A lot of these stories that came in are about like anal roommates. I just, I feel like Irish people are

just like more easygoing. Interesting. You know, but also back then life was a little bit cheaper rent-wise. So maybe people weren't as stressed out about the roommate situation. I also feel like it's sometimes just chemistry, like two people that are just bad for each other. And what's funny about roommates is you could be such a good friend with someone, but then you go into a roommate situation and you're like, I fucking hate this person or like you see sides to them. They don't know where they see sides to you. Just because you're compatible at dinner doesn't mean you're compatible like living together. Well, living together definitely destroyed some friendships. That was a running, that was a theme throughout the messages that came through. And I've had that experience

not as much with living with somebody, but definitely with traveling with somebody. And it is crazy because some roommates, you get really lucky, like a random person. It's just either a great roommate or it becomes like a great friend or you get so unlucky and you're like, this is a living nightmare. Yeah.

It's really a whole different, there's a whole range that people can experience. Do you have a story off the top of your head? Well, when I first went to college with my first ever roommate and it was this redhead from Alaska and I was this, you know, girl from Brooklyn.

Could not be from two more different worlds. And we were like, we were fine. We just were both so busy. This is random. This is random. They push you with an athlete. Oh, sorry, this is dorm shit. Dorm shit.

And it's like a small dorm. Shout out Woody. And she played soccer and hockey. Wow. She was like the most incredible athlete. And I was a tennis player. And then I ended up like becoming really close with one of the other freshman tennis girls who had like a fancy apartment her freshman year.

like she basically was like I'm not living in the dorm I'm getting a fancy apartment so then I kept like sleeping over her place because you'd wake up early so I ended up kind of I think she got an extra bed and I kind of moved in with her okay I've always been like so what was the roommate story that we were like fine and then we didn't really become great friends it was kind of always just like we didn't know which we didn't get that close I was closer with this girl's sister long story short and now I saw in the Olympics because she plays rugby on the Olympics now. So, so which, which girl? The Redhead. The Redhead Alaskin. I love Kelter. Shout out. And I messaged her and we were like catching up and laughing about college. So like it wasn't, we didn't become best friends, but like nothing bad happened. Are you telling me that you have some sort of regret because now she's an Olympian?

You're telling me that in hindsight you wish you had been friendly or is that we're saying? No, not. We were always friendly. We've come full circle. We're friends again. But the craziest. roommate story is, okay, I'm going to tell you guys two roommate stories and then we'll get to the proms because I have a lot. Firstly, after my freshman year, I stayed at Wisconsin for summer

because summer's really fun. You have like the lakes and we were like training and also teaching tennis to make some money. And we, me and a bunch of the older girls on tennis team moved into this place. It's called Mifflin. They have like the famous Mifflin Street block party. So it's like all these houses. So we rented a house. So it was me and like five girls who happened to all be like they all were 21 and I was 18 and I joke that that's the summer I became a woman they taught me everything I never forget this one girl was like sitting on the floor in the morning and I was like are you okay and she's like don't do anal you're going to leak for like three days wow and just learning so I one girl she got broken up with by a basketball player

and like we were up all night with her puking and just like bonding moments that you'll never forget but the funniest part is when I walked in my room had like no bed like it was just an empty room and I I guess didn't want to do the admin of getting a bed so I bought an air mattress that I guess had a hole in it so I'd wake up and I'd be like flat on the floor so then I just was like fuck it I'm sleeping on the couch in the living room so I slept in the couch in the living room the whole time the whole summer and I just was pretty low maintenance and then my this is supposed to be bad roommate stories I was talking about myself What is guys like what happened? I got along with. They were great. No, I've had really good roommates, actually. I got really lucky.

Well, I did fuck my roommate, Craig from Craigslist. That was one. After college, we were looking. These are bad roommate stories. It did it have to be bad? That's the topic is bad roommate stories. Well, okay, this is my worst roommate story. I moved.

in with Dave and Corey. But no, I moved in with Dave and Becca. And Dave was from Craigslist. We love Dave. I introduced my friend to him. They're now married. I get all the credit. But Becca moves out to go back to Arkansas.

And he's like, can my friend Corey move in? Now, Corey is category one fuck boy. And the room next to me was not an actual room. We just had kind of a fake wall in between with space. Like you could literally be like, good night. And he'd be like, good night. And I was like, whatever, fine. Like, I like Corey, but this is going to be a journey.

And let's just say many, many nights, girls would be over. And I just had to put my headphones in and try to fall asleep. But ultimately, it was just for like a year. And we're still good friends. And you think he's comfortable with you sharing his, about his fuckboidum? He would love it. We got a lot of those messages about the sound of people having sex. I arguably might have been the bad roommate when I, we all actually moved to another place

together. We loved living together so much, me, Dave and Corey. And that's when I met Butter, because Butter was like, wouldn't, was getting fostered by someone, wouldn't get out from under the bed. And she only came out for me and she fell asleep on my chest every time. And I was like, this cat chose me. And they were like, the only rule we have is like, we're not having a cat. And I was like, she chose me. And they were like, get a Tamagogy. And I was like, no, this cat chose me. But, like, Butter and I just lived in our room the whole time. They didn't care.

Once Butter got a hold of Corey's weed pen. I don't know how. But that was pretty funny. What was Butter smoking weed? No, she was just playing with the pen. He kept sending me photos. And I was like, she's a teenager now. She's from the Bronx.

She's from the Bronx. I go, you can try to protect her from worldly devils, but they'll find it eventually. Anyway, so I've actually had good roommates. Yeah, I've never had bedroom. The only roommate situation I had was in early recovery. I moved into a house of a bunch of other guys in like recovery. They were like longer clean and sober than me.

And they had been at a rehab that was like into like confrontational therapy. Oh, Jesus. And so like we, they were always like calling us out. I was getting called out from my behavior. But not like. So you were in a cult. Not like, you know, you didn't wash the dishes. It would be like, you know, I think you're projecting.

your feelings onto me. I feel like that wouldn't work well with you. Back then it was fine. I was in my recovery area. You were trying to get better. One time I was accused of leaking my feelings onto somebody. I had a feeling leakage. You had a leaky feeling gut?

I had a leaky gut. I had a leaky whatever hormone. Wait, so is that why you don't express your feelings anymore? First of all, it's not true that I don't express my feelings, so I don't even know what you're talking about. Hannah constantly talks about that she does more therapy than me and I've done like easily

10 times more therapy than you and this was actually when I was in my peak therapy era wait did you ever get into it with one of the guys ah just by the way this is the 90s what does that matter it's a long time ago I can't even remember you were allowed to just yell at people on the street

no of course we got I was 19, 20 years old we had a few arguments over the years years. I'm still friends. I'm still friends with some of these guys. Well, also, I roomed with Paige. So, like, she's now my best friend. So maybe I'm a great roommate. However, I don't get mad easily, but, like, people probably get annoyed at me because I'm the person, they're like, why are there no bulls? And they're, like, all in my room. Yeah. Or, like, I'm, I'm a little,

I'm a little messy. But it takes one person to kind of put a fear of God in me, and I can get it together. But I'm actually not messy when I'm with somebody who requires it to not be messy. Yeah, we both are the same except now we're together. Yeah, so neither of us motivate each other. And now we've hired an organizational company called Heart and Company from Boston, New York,

and they've been helping me. Swipe Up. What? Oh, Swipe Up, you said? Yeah. Oh, I thought he said, so I thought. Okay, this one, this is pretty funny. So about a month into living with my roommate, I realized that I don't

Like, she brushes her teeth very often. So she only has charcoal toothpaste. And whenever she brushes her teeth, she obviously doesn't clean up any of her spit on the sink. So it's very obvious when she brushes her teeth. So she only brushes them usually when we're, like, going out with friends. And she never goes into the bathroom before we go to bed. And so because of the charcoal toothpaste, it's pretty obvious. when she brushes her teeth and when she doesn't.

And I regret to inform you. It's only a few times a week. I love her she's an FBI agent. I put down as a toothbrushing private investigator. That was the headline. Okay, so first of all, this reminds me of this fucking CSI. My guy friends was telling me that he really liked this girl, but she only brushed her teeth with charcoal toothpaste.

And that was his deal breaker. Yeah, so what's the problem with charcoal toothpaste? Not that I use it. Like your breath still smells. Really? It's like considered like a natural deodorant. Like it works, but like maybe not on everyone. Right.

Okay. I know there's a reason people are like, don't care that they're getting mouth cancer and just using like normal stuff. Whoa. Who's suggesting toothpaste is giving anybody mouth? What the, what part of the internet have you been on? Tampons murder you.

Like I think of- They're eating dogs. What part of the internet have you been on? No, I'm just assuming if they had to get a natural one something's bad about the unnatural one but anyway um so this guy literally broke up with love of his life because she her breath smelled just charcoal too but i actually heard recently someone i don't know where i hear my shit but someone said like you know not everyone brushes their teeth twice a day yeah i think like if your parents didn't drill it into you like you don't just like

start doing it later in life and some people just don't i also remember somebody telling me that if you're gonna only brush them once a day it's more important to brush them before you you go to bed than actually in the morning. Interesting. Yeah. Well, sometimes I have to admit in the morning I wake up and then you scared me and you were like, don't brush your teeth before you drink coffee. I scare you. You were like, that's, you shouldn't do that. No, it's just bad for flavor. Yeah, but then someone told me if you don't brush your teeth before you drink, then you're like, you're drinking all the bacteria that was in your mouth.

Right. But then some people are like, that bacteria is good for you. Yeah. I think, I think the bacteria in your mouth. in the morning, I don't think that's an issue. But I'm willing to be corrected. We need Chris right now. Yeah, we need Chris on the corrections. We will be back to Chris. But all I know is that if you brush your teeth and then have coffee, it doesn't taste

great. No. Or like, do you remember when you're a kid and you have orange juice? Yeah. Oh, horrible. Worst thing in the world. But then you also have coffee. Once you have coffee, then you're like going about your day.

And then it's easy to forget to brush your teeth when you're not. Like, you don't have a real job. What? When you have a real job, like, I'll drink coffee. And next thing you know, I'm like on the computer. Next to, you know, I'm eating lunch. And then you forget. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's not the end of the world. But, yeah, going to sleep at night. It's essential. It's very military in this household. Military. I can't go to bed without brushing my teeth. It is so funny, though, with your roommate,

you get to see these, like, tendencies of people and how they are. I do remember when the guys would shave their freaking dark black hair would be everywhere. It was gross. Oh, yeah. I was like, I'm about to do this my pews. Since you've mentioned that, I want to find one that that sort of fits what you just said. Oh, yes. My roommate and I went to the University of Arizona and we never, we got along at the beginning, but suddenly there was a shift and she became really reclusive and we just were not getting along. And one day I walk into our dorm room and she's using one of the, those petty things that scrapes the dead skin off the bottom of your feet and she was just

letting it fall onto the ground she wasn't she didn't have a garbage can under her or anything she was just free-shaven that shit and let all her dead skin fall to the ground it was utterly disgusting. I've never seen anyone feet shave other than at the pedicures. I didn't know you're allowed to. Yeah, yeah. It was unsafe. It's like it needs to be in a licensed premises

for a foot shave. Don't do this at home. Yeah. I didn't even know you could buy those foot shavers. I was always told that calluses are good. It keeps your feet strong. Yeah, I was told that actually the foot shaving is bad. Yeah. We don't know who we've been told, but anything. Because I thought that the first time I ever had a pedicure, I thought the foot shaving was the coolest thing ever. Yeah. And then eventually somebody told me that it's bad for your feet.

Do you have ticklish feet? I mean, I'm pretty ticklish, but I, you know, the first couple of touches, I can be a bit, you know. Sometimes when they're really good, like, they know where to touch you, you'll never get ticklish. But sometimes, like, you'll just be flopping around the whole time. Like, yeah, yeah. One of my happier memories in my life was one Christmas. Because my dad was always trying to shape, like with a razor blade. He would be cutting the calisus off his feet, which we thought was really weird when we were kids.

So in my adulthood, I bought my father a pedicure for Christmas and brought him to a place in Union Turnpike and Flushing Queens. And he was very ticklish. But the happy memory was when it was done and we got up to leave, he goes, I feel like I'm floating. He was the nicest feeling ever. He's so cute. Well, actually a lot of men like getting pedicures. I love a pedicure. Yeah, it's really good.

I love it. It's really nice in the hot water. Ooh, I do think as New Yorkers... I don't like getting upsold, though. We've talked about this before, right? Getting upsold. Oh, yeah, I once spent $200 getting a pedicure. I was at the stand doing comedy

where you're getting paid like $20 a spot. And I was like, I should have to get a pedicure. I'll get in between. and these, I think, yeah, we're sitting, I was the only one there, and they came up to me. One girl was on my foot, and she was like, oh, do you want me give you a hand massage? And I was like, fine, that's like 10 more dollars hand massage.

And the lady was like, oh, we'll do back too. And I was like, yeah, throw on the back. And then she's like, and legs too. And I was like, next thing you know, it was just like, it was feeling so good. And I was just like, yeah, whatever. It's 10 bucks, 10 bucks, 10 bucks. Next thing knows $200.

Like, I actually. Now you know what it's like to go for a lap dance. I felt wrong. Like I literally left the place Like I still see that place on the corner And I'm like you motherfuckers But I don't I wouldn't mind getting upsold on massages That's how I got upsold

What I don't like is when they upsell you on this like Bullshit gel on your calves And then they wrap it in saran wrap Yeah I never get that Yeah I only do massage upsells Once the Once the saran wrap came out I was like this is some bullshit right here

The cling film for the Irish listeners Kling film It's supposed to be like hydrating or something The thing is a five-minute massage is never long enough. No. And then they're always like, do you want more? And then they get their little dingy. And then...

Oh, they love the fucking ding. No one's going past the ding. Once the ding goes, you're out. You got to get out, man. But I do have to say, as a New Yorker, we see some crazy shit, like people cutting their nails on the subway. People do crazy stuff on the subway. Yeah, I've never seen anyone cutting the...

I haven't seen a lot of crazy, so just mental health episodes, but I haven't seen any hygiene stuff. I saw a lot of hygiene stuff in the mornings. Yeah. I think because I used to, I took the train to school and to work. Yeah. You've had a lot more subway time than me. Yeah.

100%. Although I remember graffiti on the subways. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. Is there anything like hygienically that if a roommate did, you'd be like, I'm out. I can't handle this. Not really. I would just bring it up.

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kind of posted on our fridge, and that sounds great, but she was incredibly strict and had to be done every single Sunday night, and if it wasn't, there would be hell to pay. Sometimes people felt like they had to walk on eggshells because of how comfortable it was. But one time I remember in particular, as I went home for the weekend, came back on a Sunday, I took a nap, I came out of my room, and the vacuum was outside of my room with a post-it note saying, you know, do your job. I took that post-it note and put it back on the fridge and said like fuck you and then didn't do the vacuuming i did it when i wanted to um this would continue to happen with dishwashers all the things she just had very particular rules and we had to follow them or there was hell to pay so

fuck you and i love i think we're about to get the name i like how she got cut off and fuck fuck you my fuck um no for someone who is that like anal i don't think you can live with five people because you'll feel overwhelmed all the time and that person is going to make somebody miserable for the rest of their lives or she has to find like one other crazy you know clean freak and they could like match each other's freak yeah i mean leaving the the hoover as we say in Ireland outside the door that is that's proper passive well you know what that's not even passive aggressive that's just like you've taken your role too far like who decides it like i hate when somebody is the self-appointed general of the house.

That's my biggest pet peeve to. Oh. Sorry. I should have put trigger warning. Oh. A little inside joke between the couple there. Okay, this is bonkers. Okay.

This one is like. You should be in the New York coast. I love when you call things bonkers. All right. A friend of mine found a roommate on Craigslist and moved to a six-unit building in Brooklyn. The roommate seemed normal, worked in finance. They barely saw each other because my friend was a buyer in fashion. But they got along.

Each had their own bathroom. Everything was fine. My friend started coming home on Tuesdays and her bed looked disheveled and there was candy wrappers in it as well as like a huge dump in the toilet. So after weeks of that, she confronted her roommate. And her roommate was like, what the fuck? I don't eat candy and I don't take dumps in your breakfast. bathroom, I have my own. So my friend was like, huh, and set up a ring camera. And the next, the following

week the same day, they came, her roommate came home and they watched it together and found their landlord pot belly man that wears Helen Wolf Tees in her bed with another man and a witch-looking woman with dark, dark black hair, free base and crack watching her landlord get a blowjob. So for weeks, my friend would come home and get in bed and all cozy after work. And little did she know her landlord was having orgies in her bed. while a witch free-based crack. What? I know.

That's New York, man. That's just a Tuesday in New York. I guess the landlord was like tracking when everyone would leave. Yeah, and I guess that, you know, it was like a sneaky way for them to get, you know. To get a room. But I guess he didn't realize, you know, they're so high. They probably didn't realize they were leaving evidence, you know. Yeah.

Wow. I mean, ring cameras, you see. see some crazy shit. I mean, at least she got entertained. Yeah, I mean, that's a good story. Great story. Smoking crack. I actually, I heard a story on TikTok about this kind of thing. New York can be weird with people like when you're gone, people trying to move in. Really? I guess she asked, she told a friend that the friend could stay when she's gone. She was like traveling. And then the friends had a friend who wanted to stay who they didn't ask. And the friend was just like staying the whole time, like live there for like the two or three

months she was gone and when she got back like it basically someone was like living in her house type thing and she couldn't get them out oh they couldn't get them out trying to claim squatters right so actually i don't remember the ending at all damn i know but it was going viral for a bit but something about like someone's been living in my house but they were trying to say that they weren't she was like no and she's like all my shits moved around like i know someone's living oh yeah lying that kind of thing but ring lights have ring cameras ring cameras ring cameras I mean, it's so hard to murder someone these days. Oh, you can't, you can't murder.

You can't murder. You kidding me? I play golf sometimes with a retired homicide detective, and he's like, oh, you want to murder somebody now. You're an idiot. Yeah? And he's a former, he was a Suffolk County homicide detective on some of these Rex Ehrman murders.

Wow. Talk about some jobs that, like, have changed over the years. These guys didn't even have DNA, you know. I said, listen, bro. He's my good buddy. Yeah. I said, what kind of homicide detective? I haven't seen you once as a talking head

and a Netflix documentary. What kind of a homicide detective are you? Did you ever solve a case? No, you know what it means? It means he's a good one because all the talking heads are always like, you know, they tried to say it was a good investigation about these guys, they were covered up.

And then it always ends with the one female cop being like, so I showed up and I just asked them a couple questions and I figured it out. Yeah. I was like, did you guys not notice the condom on the floor? Oh, actually, I did have a friend. who I let stay at my apartment and then there was a condom in my garbage like you know you're a little garbage by the bed and I was like what the fuck dude it happens I know it's not it's not

a big deal when you're young come on oh my god I see what you think about this one sub burner phone after college I moved into an apartment with one of my best friends from college and I was going through a breakup and she said to me you know you're so sad I hate seeing you so sad you're like a dark cloud in this apartment blah blah which was so nice of her to say and then she was like what can I do to help you like I just want to be there for you and I thought that was really nice and so I was saying like you could just hang out with me for like 30 minutes we can watch a show or just like you don't even have to talk to each other we can just scroll on our phones next to each other and then she was like yeah of course i can do that for you and then

the week after she went and bought a 60 inch tv and put it in her room um we're not friends anymore um but i thought that was crazy it's so funny it's like i'm here for you and then she creates a little prison cell for stuff to not have to talk to her it is funny though like some people get energy from people being around and some people like being alone. My roommate, Becca, she's my best friend. I'm the kind of person, like, I like having one person. I'm like a cat where I can spend all my time with and I won't get overwhelmed.

And Becca, the second I would leave, new friends would be there. Like, she'd always have someone in the house. And it just shows, like, how two people can be very different with, like, spending their in-between time. Well, especially when people say, oh, I'm here for you and then they're like, actually, I'm not. at least put the TV, at least watch TV together. Yeah, well, that was the whole thing.

She didn't want her. It's like, let's scroll our phones together. Actually, let's not. But you know, you don't want to force it. You don't want to force it with people. All right, here we go. So I was a seasonal employee for a park. And we didn't get paid a lot,

but they did give us housing for free. And so I've done this a bunch of times and you get some characters for roommates. the roommate that I had, that was the weirdest though, he's just like a really weird guy, like very unsettling to chat with. And once I made zucchini bread, and this guy, he literally only ate like canned lentil soup, I guess, because he was trying to save money or something. But I made this, like, nice zucchini bread, very wholesome.

I was like, hey, if you want to have some, you can totally have some. And he was like, oh, thanks. And I went out, and when I came back, I saw just like, The plate that I had put the bread on, and it was totally gone. He ate the entire loaf of my zucchini bread that I homemade. And I was like, who does that? What in the world? I hate those people.

Like, the people that it's like, hey, do you want to slice? And then they eat the whole thing. My, my grandpa loves zucchini bread. Oh. He loves zucchini bread. People don't talk about zucchini bread enough. Yeah, I don't know what zucchini bread is. is once we got into like an argument because he said something with zucchini bread and we were like

that's banana bread and no one knew and we never knew and he was adamant that it was zucchini bread zucchini bread's very good what is it basically banana bread with zucchini's in it so so it's sweet it's sweet yeah it's nice recommend it no i yeah no i hate that stuff but then it's also maybe he like thought she made it for him well the whole loaf who eats a whole loaf he clearly like was in his feelings about something yeah i had one one other roommate memory it's not really roommate but like camp i feel like there's a lot of stuff that goes down i remember one of my first camp experiences you know how scary it is when you're little and you're like for the first time sleeping in like a little dorm and it's like you just feel alone and you're like i i don't know what's going to happen tonight

the middle of the night someone opens the door walks in my room goes to my phone checks my phone and it's like standing over me And I'm like, I'm going to die. And then they just turn and walk away. And the next day, one of the counselors was like, hey, we found out so-and-so was sleepwalking last night. Oh, right. So then we had to, like, lock the door and stuff because it was like a wild sleepwalker. Sleepwalking is actually, like, quite common, I think.

Yeah, I haven't sleptwalked a lot, but I had a weird sleepwalking incident when I was young. Really? Staying at John Joya's house, who I follow in into a great, great artist. John Joya, great guy. Good, good buddy. I know his phone number two. I'm not going to say it out loud, but anyway, he had a sleepover. I guess we were like 12, 13 max.

And I was taking some like stuff from my throat. Anyway, I was straight up sleepwalking and I was like shouting his name. I walked up two flights of stairs. We were in the basement, two flights of his mother woke me up and did the wake up. So I was like, freaking out. I was like, John! The shouting. So then I was made fun of for years.

But I was like in a full on sleepwalk. Yeah. I mean, that could like ruin relationships. Yeah, but in this case, it was just, I just got made fun of. But poor Mrs. Joy, I had to wake up in the middle of the night. Oh. Like, she must have been freaking out. Like, who the hell is shouting?

Like, what the hell is going on? Anyway, I don't really think I've sleptwalked any other time in my life. That's my one sleepwalking incident. Emma Wilma was sleepwalking by waking up and eating, and she'd wake up with just, like, peanut butter everywhere. So she tied herself down to her bed. She did not. Yeah.

She talks about I'm burning an hell. Oh, really? her first interviews. Wow. I'm not surprised. She's going for the peanut butter. She's too obsessed with fitness. My freshman year college roommate brought a screen to set up between our beds because, and I quote,

she didn't think she could sleep with me staring at her all night. Wait. That's the whole thing. I'm staring at you. That's the whole thing. That's crazy. That's crazy. Also a screen.

with you staring it's like no I'm sleeping I'm not staring at you but like you know the paranoia but that's the thing you're sleeping with strangers man I know you're rooming with people in college

you're sleeping with a stranger it's funny how like I feel like under 25 you don't give a shit I personally like I once had a room where you would just jump onto the mattress because the room was only as big as a mattress and I had my clothes like hanging like I didn't care where the fuck I slept

and then the second you turn a certain age you're Like, I need the temperature perfect. I need the pillows this way. I need, it's crazy to even think someone's sleeping in the same room as you. And even it's hard when it's your husband. I know, I can't. I couldn't do it today. Sleep with, well, I tried to do it to China Project, sleep in a dorm.

That was disastrous. Yeah. What people do when they do the traveling and they stop at all the hostels? I find in general my time in China, Chinese people are much more comfortable sleeping in, like, more comfortable. communal situations. Yeah, it's definitely cultural and also sleeping does require chemistry. Like

if one person takes up a lot of space, the other person can't be like a big mover. The snoring people I'm figuring. How is it 2024 and like we're still dealing with people snoring? I mean, imagine like, I mean, I'm totally fine with the screen, but it's just

very funny. I just find hilarious that this poor person, I feel bad for the person that put the screen up because in their mind they think people are staring at them. That's a crazy paranoia to have. But also it's like, you don't think the other person's asleep? What do you think she's doing? I know, but that's the thing.

She can't get out of her head. Turn your head, go the other way. Yeah. It's funny. As someone who loves attention, I'm like, yeah, watch me sleep. I'm beautiful. I love Osea. If you want your bathroom to smell like a spa, get Osea.

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Who has not been noticing how much information there is out there now about gut health and how important it is. Hannah and I, we're traveling all the time. It's really hard to keep a healthy lifestyle with such an erratic schedule, and wherever we go, we are taking our microbiome with us. 38 trillion bacteria that living in and honest, especially in our guts,

it's essential to whole body health. Seeds, DS01 daily symbiotic, benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two capsules a day. And honestly, it's been great. All summer, I've been feeling amazing, my skin looks great, and because this is a podcast that's not afraid to talk about the loo, as we say in Ireland, things have been pretty regular on schedule.

You should check it out because your gut is a central hub for various pathways through the body and a healthy gut microbiome means benefits for digestion, skin health, heart health, your immune system, and much more. So support your gut this summer, which cedes DS01 daily symbiotic, go to C, dot com slash burn and use code 25 burn to get 25% off your first month that's 25% off your first month of seeds DS01 daily symbiotic at seed dot com slash burn B-E-R-N code 2525 burn B-E-R-N this is a story in two parts it's very rare that we we get the I think I might know what this is because someone DM me and told me because somebody's a lot of

people say, oh, I'm the person that message in about this and I can't like find the other one, but this is a rare time that I found both of them. Hi, Hannah and Des, love you both. Thank you for everything that you both do. I've had a lot

of roommate horror stories, but the one that always stands out in my mind was in college, this one roommate. She loved whole milk, okay? Nothing wrong with that, per se. You know, she'd always have at least three gallons in the fridge on rotation.

The problem is that she would pour herself a glass of milk and go into the bedroom or go and take a shower, you know, with her shower milk and leave the cup, you know, not fully finished wherever she wanted to leave it and hours, days would go by and that milk would become so gross, chunky and moldy and there would be one in the bedroom, in the bathroom, two in the kitchen, just the glasses of, oh, God, yeah, that, I can't deal with that one. That one really grosses me out. And quick follow-up to the shower milk story I just sent in. We would tell her about it. We would, you know, say like, hey, you left your glass in the shower and, you know, like we would say things, but it never changed anything. It would just,

they would continue to amass in globs and glasses and we would run out of glasses as well and fridge space but hey gotta get your calcium somehow I guess who drinks milk

I'm guessing this is like a weird childhood thing like you know how like I put half water and half apple juice or like half juice and everything because growing up my mom watered down all my juicy drinks because I would get too high

She didn't like me taking that much sugar. So to this day, I will water down juice. So maybe she was raised with a milk household, and it was the parents liked her drinking milk, and she would leave it, and the parents would clean up for her baby. So then she got into this life and with roommates who were like,

we're not cleaning up after you, but like milk in the shower is fucking sick. So is there any things from childhood that, like, you used to do normally and now just seem like the most disgusting thing ever because I used to drink milk and I still have milk with my cereal

so I'm not anti-milk. Yeah. But the thought of having a glass of milk it's like so horrible to me. It's kind of like how people, some people like cannot eat just like a plain avocado but they love guacamole and chips. Interesting. I didn't know that was the thing.

It's like it's too fatty. Page hates avocado. Don't even put it on a sandwich. Really? But loves guacamoleon. Really? Yeah, because it's in what it's supposed to be. It's an ad, it's an ad on. So the straight-up milk, well, this is not to throw Craig into this, but Craig, um, Craig drinks milk. Milk with spaghetti. Drinks milk with spaghetti. With spaghetti. Specifically? Red sauce. Yeah. That was, I don't know how they got past that. You're saying that like, like. He makes his own vodka sauce and his stuff. stomach so he must be so full after that actually that's a good subject like what are things that like in one form are disgusting and in another form aren't like what what are things like that

i've been like pretty consistent with my eating i was always to just eat out and think i remember once this kid came over like for a playday you know when kids just have weird habits he only would eat ketchup sandwiches. Like he wanted bread with ketchup in between. Wow. And I could never, like, I always was like that I don't trust that fucking kid. Get that kid out in my house.

You know, in childhood, I was the least finicky. I really would eat anything. But in adulthood, I have gotten a couple of things which is, I will only have ketchup on a hamburger. Yeah, and you also don't like when things touch each other. No, certain things, not all

things. Ketchup in particular. ketchup. I don't want ketchup on anything other than my burger. The universe is testing you by putting you with me because I like ketchup everywhere. I will be eating ketchup. I've grown up around, I've grown up in a world of ketchup. We've had a couple moments where, you know, I take my fork that has some ketchup on it. And it's been chaos. You can't bring a contaminated fork.

I remember one. Babe, it's contaminated. My favorite is when, like, people have those little things that, like, annoy them where, like, you got annoyed at me. and I didn't know what you were annoyed at me for. You were like, why did you do that? And I was like, do what? And you're like, look.

And I'm like, look. I don't know what I'm looking at. It's cross-contamination. He can't cross-contaminate, Hannah. So the thing is that I'm not like a germaphobe because I would prefer you to take that fork and just like, just clean it with your tongue. Yeah.

And then you can. Yeah. But as far as I'm concerned, If you have cross-contaminated ketchup from your plate onto mine, if there's like a hint of ketchup on like my steak or whatever the hell you were cross-contaminating with, I'm like, I got to cut that piece off. I literally have to cut it off.

There's other cross-contaminations that I hate. I think we've talked about this before. What else besides ketchup? I hate when people leave bits of their toast on the butter. like people like if you're if you're buttering your toast and then you go back to the butter I understand that sometimes you're going to get a bit of the the toast crinkle on the butter but you better fucking clean that shit better be cleaned off when you're done if you're sharing the butter if you're done with the butter and actually roommate story still one of my

closest friends today one of my five one of my five godchildren's fathers okay so he's still my close friend I've got five godchildren he's a dad of brag he's a dad of one of them, great friend, but he had this terrible habit of if he would butter his toast and if it turned out that he had too much butter on the knife, he would, you know, rub the knife back on the edge of the butter tub as if he was going to save that butter for the next use. But then he would never fucking, the next time he would butter bread, he would not use the bit that he saved. So our tubs would be full of his side butter waste.

But it's not butter. But it's not better waste, but oh, but because it probably has little... It's covered in fucking breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs on it. Yeah, but it's his. I hate to say... But, like, it's bread. Like, he didn't eat from that bread yet.

I know, but it's just, it's cross-contamination. It's all getting into the same place. It's all ending up in your stomach. I can't do it. That needs to be studied. That's like, oh, that's honestly a weird thing you have going on. No, it's weird to put the butter back in the tub. Are you telling me that you, you'd be happy?

I've never said I want less butter on this. No. It's never been a problem. I'm like, we need more. Are you telling me that if we had like a tub of spreadable butter? Yeah. Let's say you had a tub of spreadable carry gold from Lille. And I had too much and I put the butter back in like that full of crumbs that you wouldn't be like, what the fuck are you doing? I wouldn't care. I have bigger fish to fry. Well, that to me is another cross-contamination that I hate.

And I also hate when there's butter in the jam. So if you're a knife, if you got butter on your knife and you go into the jam, I understand it happens that you've got to clean that shit away. I don't want to go into the jam like an hour later. And I'm like, who's fucking butter? Whose butter is it? Cream cheese is the same thing with the fucking toast. Yeah.

Come on. Are you telling me if you go into a cream cheese and you see crumbs that you're not like, what the fuck? I don't care, but I understand how it could annoy you. I don't know how you could be this comfortable across contamination. I think it's because it's like two things that I like together. I remember. Other people's crumbs?

Other people's crumbs? I like cottage cheese, and sometimes I'll be, like, eating something with, like, like, eggs with ketchup and cottage cheese. And then I want more cottage cheese, and then I'll take my fork that has some ketchup on it into the cottage cheese. Oh, I'll never eat cottage cheese again. I can't even right now. See, like your extent of it. Like, obviously I'm not like, ooh, yes, I want that. But like, I know I'll try to take it off.

But if a little bit of ketchup is left, I'm not going to freak out. Also, I have to say, since we're talking about all the things you're comfortable with that I'm not. Oh, no. You have an incredible ability to eat leftovers well past what I would consider to be a safe amount of time. Dad, this is one of these, like, cultural differences immediately where, like, if we don't finish food, it becomes leftovers, and then we will eat it within the week. That's my rule, within the week. Yeah, I would be more like a two-day guy, man. I don't know where you got this, like, after two days, the leftovers cannot be eaten.

I mean, certain leftovers won't bother me as much, but, like, anything with meat, like, after two days, like, I'm good. What happened to you? Well, I've had food poisoning before, number one. Some leftovers Well just I've had food poisoning You never want it again And honestly I just I don't I'm not

I'm not comfortable I don't love leftovers in general My mom would like Her whole thing was We'd make pasta for dinner And then the pasta that was leftover We had the next day for lunch Like it was a very like leftover

We had three boys We didn't have a lot of leftovers Yeah We weren't a big leftover house Yeah You gotta make casseroles and shit Yeah you know And I'm a big fan of a casserole

Do you know what I used to to eat as a kid, my mom made me that I haven't had him forever. Banana peanut butter sandwiches. Oh, that's interesting. I've heard people say that before. It's really good. You would love it. We would do whole... I've had them for sure, but in adulthood. With a little honey

peanut butter. Yeah. I want one right now. Thin slices of banana. Toast the bread. Mm-hmm. It was so good. Coincidentally enough, I bought some peanut butter last night. You're freaky. Yeah. I bought some Jiff. Is somebody going to match my freak? Yeah.

Since peanut butter has really made a comeback. You have to say, peanut butter has made a huge comeback. Oh, because like almond butter was big for a bit? No, like peanut butter was not a thing for like 20 years, I feel. It's always been a thing for me. Well, it came back big time. It's very popular now.

As of when? The last 10 years. Oh, babe. The last 10 years is a third of my life. Okay. There was a time where people weren't as big on peanut butter. They've always been big on peanut butter Yeah, but not in like coffee shops and stuff

Now that peanut butter is everywhere I would love to see the stats On the increase in peanut butter purchasing Because people are doing almond butter No, because like Just people didn't You know what I'm telling it I think it had to do it The peanut allergy thing

I think people were like afraid of peanuts You just want to talk about peanut allergies No, I don't I'm not getting into it But you know what? We're not getting into that I could see if like there was They want to avoid allergies that maybe it was away.

Because I love peanut butter. So, I mean, I always get a peanut butter ascee bowl. Yeah, but asaibol, that's... Why don't they have peanut-batter-flavored coffee? Hazelnut? Why? Hazelnut seems so random.

Oh, yeah, because hey, yeah, but it's not... Is it really hazelnut? Is that what that flavor is? Like, it's such a fake... I don't like any flavored coffee. Yeah. Not a flavored coffee guy.

It's a risk whenever I do it. It's either, like, way too sweet or just tastes like plastic. All right. I'm afraid to press this one. Uh-oh. I'll tell you what the title is after. I'll tell you why I was afraid to press it.

Okay, I am sharing the story on behalf of my sister. She gave me approval to share the story on this platform, but she had a roommate when she first moved to her current college town that she never met before. and once they moved in together they split up a lot of bathroom times because they only had one bathroom so um for classes and whatnot and so my sister was in the bathroom for an extra five minutes of her scheduled bathroom time in the morning to get ready and like literally five minutes and her roommate couldn't hold her bathroom needs in for too long I suppose so she went outside and shit in a bucket instead in the backyard whatever you got to go you got to go but then she comes

inside and goes into the bathroom and proceeds to clean out that shit bucket in their shared shower that they both use and then left the bucket in the shower. Shit bucket was the headline.

Does the person of IBS? But I don't care. Even if IBS that's what she's trying to piss the girl off by putting it in there? Like I don't even what in the Amber Hurd is going on? Yeah. I mean like I mean I understand if you have an emergency like I've done you know I've like

peed in a drain or something but like pooping in a bucket I can usually hold my poop for the extra five yeah that's why I'm thinking or if it's like an emergency I would like knock on the door hard and be like I really got to go yeah like I don't understand how I was more freaked out by the scheduled bathroom time yeah even that on its own is a bit that was weirder than the shitting in the bucket to me

really Like, yeah. What if you don't have to go when it's your scheduled bathroom time? Yeah, I think there's like in the morning, like getting ready time. Yeah, that makes sense. But again, like to have exact, I don't know. No, that's true. When it's like two people and you both have to be at work.

Yes. And you can't risk that kind of stuff. I get it. That's funny. Just a funny. The shit bucket story. Do you poop in front of your friends? Only when I was in China, you know, but in general, you know, there's a couple of times, like, I'm at one time with an Irish comedian.

We were sharing a dressing room and, like, we were talking and he went in and took a dump while talking to me with the door open. It's fine. My roommate in freshman year in college almost put a tampon on me for the first time. What? I don't. I, I, I've never heard. Would you make that voice before? No, because, like, what do you mean for the first time?

So I always used pads because that was my mom. My mom was very into pads. Okay. So, like, it's a cultural thing. Like, you could use pads or tampons. I came from a pad family. Okay. And then I got my period in college and we're about to go out.

And I was like, oh my God, does anyone have a pad? And they were like, no, we have tampons. And I was, like, scared. Really? I was a virgin. You're a paired family. So she was like, I was like, I don't know how to do it. And I'm scared.

And she was like, I can do it for you. And I was like, no, thank you. And then I like figured it out. But it's very, it's hard. It's hard to do it the first time. Especially when you're not like sexually active. Yes. So you're just like putting it into the.

And it's also the tightest vagina that ever happened. So. So you're fucking Donald Trump talking about your vagina? Who's the tightest vagina? I think the world has ever seen. It's ever seen. They've never seen a vagina so tight. They're eating dogs.

So then I remember like if you put it in slightly the wrong angle, like it just hurts. Like it feels like someone's like scratching your inside. So anyway, I remember there was a moment where I'm like, am I... By the way, the way I reacted to that

because you went... No, no, because you were like, put one in me for the first time. But like, in actual fact, It was just somebody suggested they could help you. There was no... It just sounded for it. It was like I've never had something in me before.

I didn't want to lose my virginity with my roommate and a tampon. All right, let's go for... Let's go for one more. Big moment here. You're like a golf announcer. Big moment here and burn a phone. Down to their last... Down to their last message.

down to their last message from the little dialer um we by the way can I just before we play this I just want to give a disclaimer I'm I'm a little paranoid that I went on the ketchup

butter rant already in my in on this podcast no and if you did you didn't go that hard okay I just really having a little bit of post story paranoia a little post story paranoia a little post story

paranoia in the baron as he goes to find the last prompt and he brings and he's in the bunker and he brings the arrow back and he's gonna press he's he's he's gonna press on the man returned when they didn't live there anymore here we go so i have a sort of roommate adjacent story that's pretty funny um in college i lived with four other girls There's five of us in this little house. And on the weekends, we had, like, a pseudo roommate, one of our guy friends, he would crash on our couch pretty much every weekend. I don't know why he couldn't go home.

But he always had a problem with peeing when he was drunk and sleeping. So the amount of times he peed on our couch and then left and didn't clean it was just disgusting. But about a year after we graduated and had moved out, he was back visiting, broke into that house and fell asleep on their couch. and this new group of girls were living there so called the cops and had him arrested because he like didn't realize that we didn't live there anymore

and he just like had muscle memory to go back there and sleep and he's a pretty large man so it'd be kind of scary to wake up and see this man on your couch in the morning that is so funny but that is also so college like yeah there's someone that sleeps on our couch

and we don't know why but that's Jim I mean I have no notes on that story it's a good story it's a good story um hopefully maybe he went to rehab after that yeah because that's like that's like some bad habits like every time you go to you just have this place also like if a dude kept peeing on my couch i'd be like look i don't care you stay here but you have to stop that but you know there is like a kind of like what do you say girl math there is kind of like drunk math yeah which is like for some reason there's some subconscious part of you that has like memory that makes sense when you're drunk that's so fun

And in his mind, this was like where he needed to go. Yeah, that was his safe space. Yeah. But it's also... I'd like to know how far the arrest went. Like, I'm pretty sure the cops were like, oh, shit, it's kind of funny. Or if he was like, did these girls just turn on me one day and they go, take him away? Yeah.

Anyway, those... There was, you know, there was like a lot of these, but they were, like, a lot of them were quite similar. But we thank everybody. There were a lot of guys breaking into girls' apartment. No, that was unique. I was trying to keep it varied. No, these were all great stories. I love it so much.

Do you have any shows coming up? Oh, God. Well, I have at New York, September 28th. But more importantly, Madison and Milwaukee, my first foray into Wisconsin. Go be out of Wednesday, Thursday, the 26th, 27th, I think. Got to get some cheese currants. No, 25th, 26th of September. The ice cream is so good.

It's next level. I can't wait. You're going to love it. I'm hoping in Madison that I can perform jump around in three languages. Oh my God, they'll lose their minds.

By the way, you know, Ireland has won college football game a year now. It's like a big thing. They do it in Dublin. I believe the badgers are going there in 2027.

Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. Also, Paige and I are going to be an Atlantic City coming up. So if you live near there, check it out because that's going to be a fucking rager.

Oh, that's a gig, the squad show in Atlantic City. Yeah. I feel like Atlantic City is like so off brand for you guys. I feel like I did it.

It's just it's like off the beat and path to like I feel like people don't live in Atlantic City. Yeah. You have to like go there to party. But I think that yeah, I think they'll be excited to go there and see you guys.

Look, we'll have fun at Atlantic City. Go on both our websites. Yeah. Check out our shows. Rate subscribe review and tell someone about the pot if you enjoy Burner Phone. Yeah, really do. Yeah.

Spread the word. If you see something, say something. Say something. Bye. My worst. My worst roommate story. So I had a roommate that I found on Craigslist. Pro tip, never do that.

But I was moving to an area that I didn't know and didn't want to commit to a full lease. a few months in I caught her sleeping in my bed when I came home from a trip to preface there was about a 30 year age difference and she lied to me about her age difference she told me she was in her 30s found out she was 51 no shade on that but just a little weird also found out she was taking pictures of my feet she was going in my bathtub when I was gone and when I confronted her that I wanted to move out because she was kind of a pandemicker with stay up all night watching YouTube conspiracies and I worked in a hospital and she didn't like that I wore a mask. She flipped out, broke my phone and the police had to get involved. She called them on me and the police pretty much told me it was in my best interest to leave that situation. So I did. My worst roommate story is a college roommate who came home one night very, very drunk. I didn't think anything of it because, you know, that happens pretty often.

And all of a sudden, I hear in the middle of the night, her come over to my desk and start opening my drawers. And I'm like, what is going on? And then I hear her sit on my desk and start peeing, fully peeing in my top drawer. I just pretended to be asleep but that wasn't interesting next morning and we no longer speak