Berner Phone - Berner Phone #59: The Craziest Lies

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

The dialers have been through the wringer with some crazy liars. We start off light hearted then hear some insane (and possibly illegal) stories. We don't condone lying BUT white lies about why you were late or why you canceled plans are completely ok. zocdoc.com/BERNER 15% off at lumedeodorant.com with code BERN 30 days free at dipseastories.com/BERN 20% off bedding at bollandbranch.com/BERN  40% off at hungryroot.com/BERNER 40% off 50% off at factormeals.com/BERN50 with code bern50 20% off CleanMyMac X with code bernerphone  40% off dog food at sundaysfordogs.com/BERN

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Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? Sorry, we missed last week. You know, we haven't taken a week off in a while.

Yeah. But that was accidental. But you make it sound like we decided to take a week off. It was... If we had decided to take a week off, we would have announced it in advance. Yes, and that was irresponsible on our end. And, you know, I have to be honest, this is actually really our second week off because we slowly leaked. So this is the first time we're admitting that we missed a week.

Look, we have to admit that burner phone, it's gotten a little chaotic, you know? And if you listen to the last Giggly Squad episode, some of you do, some of you don't. But if you do, you'd know I was dealing with some stuff in L.A. Yeah. Burn a phone went down the priority list as we tried to keep Paige. Well, you tried to keep Paige afloat. And Paige, she stayed afloat.

She's swimming. Just keep swimming. But we had a little crazy week last week, but now we're back in West Hampton. And we have a spicy episode. Yes, you came up with a great suggestion this week. I feel like someone DM'd it to me. But I'm kind of.

Great suggestion. I'm kind of upset one thing I hate I think the most is when people lie to me I think that's my like it's not even a pet peeve that's just like well I don't think anybody likes nobody likes being live too you know how some people like for some reason it's like I would so much rather someone be honest like especially like even like workplace stuff like I don't like when people will I would rather them just be like I made this mistake and I'm sorry than try to like blame someone else or like say something differently. I'm like, I'll take the truth over anything. Really? Because this, this episode is the craziest lie anybody ever told you, but like, when people are canceling plans and stuff, don't you like them to come up with like a nice fake excuse to just ease the pain for everybody? You should not have even made plans. How do we even get to the point that we were going to meet up? That's crazy. You actually want somebody to be like, listen, I just can't be bothered? No. Yeah, well then you want them to lie, right? I know. Those are little white lies.

I thought people were going to send also, like, just insane life lies. No, no, that's what I mean. Like, this episode is crazy lies, but you just said, I'd rather have the truth. Yeah, in, like, intense situations. Oh, only in tense situations. Yeah, like, I mean, I had ex-boyfriend straight up, like, lie and tell me he went to a college. She didn't go to. We had a lot of that.

Like, and I... That type of stuff. Yeah, like, he told me he was playing tennis for this school, and I knew guys who played tennis at that school and they're like we've never met him and he had told me like stories about the recruiting trip and like all this stuff and looking back I think like he wanted to go there and he

like couldn't admit that he wasn't going there but like after that like I was like there's no way I can trust you in any capacity no because then you find out that somebody has like they're a pathological liar it's like a real issue he also like I don't think he had enough

swag to cheat on me but he would lie about little things like we'd be at a party and someone would be like to your boyfriend like friends with just and timberlake and i'd be like what and they he'd like put someone's name at his phone and be like see you have like just like one of those new york dudes that it's just like or he lied to kids like we'd teach tennis and he would like tell a kid something crazy like about his dad and the kid would ask me and i'd be like i don't know i have no it was going on right now and he lied to me about like that he didn't speak another language and then i like caught him on the phone with his

parents speaking another language and I was he liked you about that because normally people like pretend it to be like American oh right like he was like first generation and I was like oh my god that's so cool you speak another language he's like no I don't I was like what do you talk about but he was like so funny and so nice and cool but um yeah that was his survival method I guess yeah I never had any I nothing like immediately came to my mind of like crazy lies but You know, there was a comedian that got caught up saying that, what do you say? His dad died in 9-11? Was that what it was?

Oh, no. I don't know the details. He said, I think he said he was in the building in 9-11. Okay. And, like, made it, like, a big part of his identity. Okay. And then it turned out to not be true. It kind of, like, ruined his career.

Yeah. Well, I also think sometimes I think people will lie in entertainment, and sometimes it gets randomly, I don't know if this happened to him, but it got picked up. Yes, it was a big part of his thing. His success was based on this. Their videos will go viral when they're like kind of doing something that might not be like 100% true

and then it becomes their whole identity and they didn't think anyone would care. I know who it is. No, I know it is too, but no, I want to make sure I'm getting the story right. It's a public story, so it doesn't matter that we say it. Yeah. It's Steve Rennaz ran as easy. But it's like you know, it's just so

Because obviously everybody's lied, you know, but like when you just get, oh, yeah, he lied about working in the South Tower of the World Trade Center at Merrill Lynch on the 54th floor during 9-11. And described his experience escaping death, right? But then he was just, you know, oh, and he said the events inspired him to move to Los Angeles and pursue stand-up. Oh, so he was giving himself a little interesting edge. It's funny because one thing I am, one thing I am is I'm a fluffer. I will fluff up a story Yeah, never let the truth get in the way of a good story I will add the nuances

I will add an environment I will add extra tension where there wasn't Yeah, but you're talking about You're talking about like in performance Yeah, or at brunch Yeah You know, like the next day You're talking about like you had a date with a guy

And it might have been like normal And you know you add a little I just like to add to an already a moment that happened. I like to tell a good story. But you're talking about a benevolent embellishment. Yes, and also I will lie about, you know, getting out of plans all the time. Yeah, and that's what I'm saying earlier.

That's like, that's polite. That's politeness. I will lie. A polite. No. I thought there might be something there. And I was a gooster. You were a goaster.

If it was less than two dates. Like I say, it's not, I don't think it's ghosting. If it's less than two dates, I don't know you, bro. If it's less than two dates, it's not ghosting. Yeah. So you can't lie and be like, oh, I have a boyfriend. But the issue is that like when a lie, because some of these lies that have come through, they're so large, when a lie becomes like part of your origin story.

Oh, God. Like, how can you live with that stress? I feel like there's been a lot of movies about that where, like, someone falls in love with someone and that person told a lie and then they have to tell them who they really are and the da da da da da da da da yeah and then there's the catfishing stuff did you did i tell you to listen to that podcast the british one i think it was called bobby whatever this this woman like basically fell in love with this guy that turned out to be fake and in the end it turned out to be her cousin yeah her cousin was like making up this fake identity for years i mean i was obsessed

with catfish but it always would end really sad because he would sit down the person and be like why and the person would always be like you know I've been overweight my whole life and I wanted to feel confidence or like I whatever kind of abuse they had dealt with it's always like something dark but lying is yet but then how do you trust that like their their reason their trauma is not just another lie it's valid you know it's I think some people yeah they get like addicted even if it's just little lies that's what would creep me out is It's like little lies that don't matter. And then you're like, what?

Like, why would you lie? What? It snowballs. Yeah. It's like a gateway drug. Yes. Into bigger lies. Because, but it's also a, it's kind of like, you know, comedy.

You can make jokes so you're not, you don't have to be intimate. Like, you don't have to have as much intimacy. It's like, if you lie, like, you never have to be truly intimate. And people don't ever have to, like, know who you are. Wow, Hannah. That cut deep really fast. This is Dateline, NPR. Desloves NPR.

You're outing me as an NPR listener. We joke about that all the time. Come on, let's get into some. So we asked the little dialers the wildest, craziest lies they've ever heard. Let's get into it. Can we start with just like one or two lighthearted ones? Yes, yes. Let's warm them up before we.

This one is kind of cute. So maybe not the craziest, but definitely she brought a podcast. pocket. When I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that the truck that went by that played music was like just the music truck. And it was to spread music and cheer throughout the neighborhood. And one day I went over my friend's house and her mom got us ice cream from the music truck. And I ran home that day so pissed as like a four-year-old, like heavy breathing. Like mom, the music truck. tells ice cream.

Love you guys. That's so funny. The mom was like the second they learn it's ice cream. It's going to lose control of the household. I'm going to play one other one. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I feel like I just have to address the elephant in the room here.

It's the craziest lie that we've all heard, not that there is an old fat man and a red suit who just wants to fly around once a year in a sleigh pulled by reindeer to drop off presents to every single child in the world in one night. And he works all year just to do this one thing. I just think that's crazy that that's a lie we all believe at some point in our lives. Thanks. Bye. Actually, she's so fucking right, because then there's a time where your parents are always like, yeah, of course there's no Santa. And you feel so gaslit because you're like, then why were you telling me every single year there was a Santa and now I'm crazy

for being upset that there's no Santa. But it's a great debate because like... It's capitalism. Capitalism keeps Santa alive. Okay. But I would never want to lose those years where I thought Santa was real. Like I

I've thought about this often and sometimes people debate it. I think that it's fun. It is fun. I think that that's one of those things But now they have elf on the shelf so they're like doubling down. What's elf on the shelf? it's a new thing where like you bought again capitalism you have to buy this like elf thing and you move it around at night so when you wake up the elves in a different spot i think i'm really of the opinion that uh it's a that's a fun thing to keep going for as long as you possibly can yeah and i guess you hope that the kids just naturally like hear about it but you there is a moment where you do feel kind of fucking betrayed by your parents you're like oh is this a joke to you you thought it was you just fucking lie to me and and laugh at me behind me back like when you know the parents are writing back to you in the notes yeah i know they're such

elaborate lying i know my mom they would eat the cookie my dad and then they say thank you so much for the cookie yeah i i think i i love that uh best night in my life when i was when i got older i'll never experience that joy again yeah exactly but it's so fun when i got older i got asked to be santa once or twice um because my in-laws one of my cousins, husband's family, they had a big Christmas party and the Christmas Eve

they would ask me to come in and be Santa for all the... It was the other side of the... I wasn't related to them, you know? And the joy on these kids' faces,

the happiness, and then the slightly older ones, the misery, when they would come up and be like, I know you're not real. And I'd be like... Wait, is Santa comedian in your future?

No, I'm just saying. Man, it's so fun to see the joy that the, that the fake Santa, the fact that they hold onto it. Yeah. The fact that they still believe it, I should say, is so exciting. I'm afraid that if I have kids, I'm going to go full into, like, kid comedian, because I do crush with toddlers, like, my humor is, like, really good with the toddlers. Toddlers are, like, that's fucking funny.

Oh, yeah. I know humor. That's funny. And I'm like. But you also, like, you really, you need. the kids to think that you're the coolest. You have that urge. Well, it's like, I see a cat.

I'm like, I need a cat to love me. I see a kid that's just going around its own business. And I'm like, I need to make them giggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I might as well monetize it and try to become the next Miss Rachel. Okay. So, manifest that. I'm just letting you know that might be in our future.

I'm definitely running a children's book. I'm all for the Miss Rachel money coming in. No, I'm 100% leaning into Miss Rachel. Do you know what's funny? I didn't know who Miss Rachel. Rachel was until your brother had kids. We neither. Yeah. So I think we're probably talking to a bunch of 20-year-old women who have no

idea who we're talking about. If you guys Google, Ms. Rachel, she has like four billion YouTube views and she, it's what all the parents just put Ms. Rachel on and Ms. Rachel, like, it's very simple, like, but really educational videos for their kids. So it's better than watching TV. Honestly, YouTube is ruled by kids. Like, I was recently doing trivia night and the most viewed

YouTube video all the time was the question and we were like assuming all these things related to like famous like meme videos from the early days of YouTube. No, it's all kids shit. Baby Shark, by the way. It's the most viewed. Yeah, and then the top 10, six of them. Like the top

the fifth I think most viewed video on YouTube, the wheels on the bus go round and round. Yeah. Well that's like Netflix like is it cake is apparently huge. Kids love that show. Oh, kids. Like it? It's blown up. Oh, that's why it's blown up.

Yeah, yeah. But also, adults like it, too. Anyway, there's a lot of money in lying to kids. Okay, so we figured out you can lie to kids. It doesn't count. So my grandpa would get a kick out of lying, some, like, funny lies. It was all like, it's like when you watch a TV show and it has, like, jokes for the parents in the kids show.

Like, my grandpa always tried to make everyone laugh. And I was telling you today in the car, he told me that his dog thought his name was Ralph. because the dog would always go, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph. And he's like, he keeps thinking my name's Ralph. And I thought that's so funny. But then he once told me, and this is so out of pocket, like, no reason to do this,

that, you know, dun, dun, dun, dun, by Beethoven. Yes. He said that he wrote it because his mom would tell him, Ludwig, come home, Ludwig come home. So I don't know why he told me that. I go up to my music teacher that week

and say, by the way. I can I tell you about this song it was originated by Beethoven's mom saying Lud would come home the music teacher knows that like my mom's a singer and I come from a kind of musical family for a second is like oh wow like I never knew that tells my mom my mom starts dying laughing gets back to my grandpa my grandpa thinks it's the funniest thing ever

that I'm repeating his lie to people and yeah that's kind of an inside film a joke well it's interesting because like you hear the story Lou would come home and then you know like you tell the teacher thinking that's true and that used to be the way information got killed your teacher was like no that's not true the problem is nowadays with the internet somebody gets told that story then they go on TikTok say a lot of people fun fact a lot of people don't know that uh dun da da da as lud would come home and then like people then like people then suddenly there's a whole army of people that are like

I remember my grandpa laughing so hard and my parents thought it was the funniest thing and I was just like you told me something and I repeated it like how was that so funny maybe don't Maybe don't fucking learn me next time, okay? It's interesting how other insane origin stories that we learn as kids for some reason don't get debunked and people hold on for the rest of their lives. It's kind of crazy when you think about it. Other outlandish things become the essence of your identity.

And I'll leave it there. I got a lot of like childhood lies, okay? now we've decided it is legal since we're on a theme this childhood lie is ingenious and i think that this should become like like in the parenting handbook okay uh of things that you say to your daughters so the craziest lie someone has ever told me is actually from my mom and it is genius so growing up as always, like a little girl, always asked her mom casually, does childbirth hurt? And my mom would always tell me only when you're a teenager. So my whole life, I grew up thinking that childbirth only hurt when you're a teenager. And somehow that also developed into me thinking, like, oh, the younger

you are, the more it hurts. And then I told all of my friends this, and they all believed me, because my Mom's a freaking NICU nurse, so why wouldn't they? And that's why no one got pregnant in my high school class. That is the craziest lie. It is crazy. The power you wield as an adult, and kids ask you everything, and you suddenly, first of all, you realize you don't know anything. Second of all, you're like, they're going to remember this forever, potentially.

But it is kind of valid what she's saying because, like, It's, everything's going to hurt more when you're younger. Well, yeah, but that's, you might as well put it in their head, like, no matter what, you know. It's funny because actually, I didn't pee in a pool for most of my childhood because I believe the, the water changes color when you pee. That's so funny. No one told me that. And, like, even if someone did tell me that, I would test it. I'd be like, let's see, didn't think so.

No, I never did. I never wanted to see the water change color. Oh, my God. All right, let's get into a... It's so funny because I feel like, obviously, we're not paying. parents, and we don't live a lifestyle of parents, and we travel all the time. But I feel like we are parents. Um, this one is a bit more, you know, isn't anything I just said. Sorry, I went into producer, I literally just said, we're parents. What? I said, we're parents without children. Like,

we give parent energy. Oh, you think so? I do. Why do you think that? Maybe it's because we saved a cat today. Do you want to talk about that? Sure. Do you think I'm crazy? No, no, no. Let's do this one and then we should have started with that. We should have started with our life. Why can't we talk about it right now? Okay, kind of fine. Go ahead. I do have to say as someone who's lived in New York City, there aren't a lot of cats. Like there's bodega cats, but like there's not cats just like hanging out where like if you live in the suburbs or maybe the country that you find cats or like by a farm. So when I was in with West Hampton,

this cat appeared. At your window. At my window. And Butter started freaking out. Butter does not like other cats. This is her territory. She was growling like a dog and like... Growling like a dog.

She was like... She's growled like a cat. It's so funny. You give all the negative attributes to dogs. No, but dogs growl more than cats. Growling is a dog attribute. Okay. And it wasn't a full growl.

It was more like an upset, like... What's the word for a cat growl? Just out of curiosity. A meow? Yeah, she was. I have no idea. She was perturbed. Right.

She's pissed off. Yes. Pissing. I get her in the bedroom somehow. And I go outside. And this cat, normally the cat would just be out, like gone, like run away. The cat starts walking up to me and wants pets. So then I'm like, I'm a mother.

to an outdoor cat now. But I was so confused, and I was like, either this is an outdoor cat that is like just roaming. Like a neighbor's cat that's roaming. But you don't, which doesn't happen anymore. That used to be a thing.

It doesn't happen. And also like, we would have seen this. We would have seen this cat, like any time ever the summer. Yes. So I think it was getting fed probably by like a family in the summer

who now is gone. And this cat, so I'm feeding it. I want to take it in, but I'm touching it. It's dirty. And it has big balls, which is very strange for a cat that... It's funny.

You keep saying big balls. You really made a decision that these were large balls. But it was a big boy. Like, this was... That big balls. This cat was fucking. Like, this cat was the king. These balls had been used.

All the poor girls that probably did not want to have intercourse with this cat. But if anyone owns a cat, cat, you get your cat neutered. So this is very strange. But I'm like, I can't take this cat in right now. Like, I can't deal with this. And I had to calm butter down. I said, if the cat came again, I text Jill, my cat shaman at Southampton Animal Shelter.

And she's like, take it in. And I'm like, I'm afraid of the fleas and butter. And she was like, can you get it in the garage? And I was like, okay, I'll see what I could do. Next night, like clockwork, same time. The cat peers in watching us watch TV. It was so... It's like, this is the life that I want.

No, yeah, it was... He was like, that could be me. That could be us, but you trip in. And Butter starts freaking out again. And I go outside, and I'm like, let's go downstairs. And I get the food. And I go, let's go downstairs. And it follows me downstairs.

Like, literally skipping behind me. And we get into the garage, and I try to shut the garage door. And the cat immediately is like, oh, hell no. I'm smart than that. Runs out. So then I had to get the garage open again. And I actually had to open the door and bring it in for a second to shut the garage door and then put him back in. You brought the cat into the house?

For like a second by the laundry room. Okay. And then, like, literally for four seconds for the garage to go down. We needed a homeless cat to finally get you into the laundry room. She's been in the laundry room. Oh, my God. How did it happen? Last time was when butter was in the laundry room.

I was like, this place is nice. So then the cat's like meowing and sad, but I'm like, I have to go to bed. I had to go do Chris Estefano's podcast at like 7.30 a.m. in the morning because I was driving back into the city. Wake up. Jill comes on 8 a.m. picks up the cat, and I'm like, I just felt like I love this cat. There was something really special about this cat. Well, it just appeared. just appeared and it was that was a nice cat right there

as I say that's a good cat right there so then Aiden's driving me to the city and I'm telling him about it and Aiden just got Abby adopted so Aiden's you know empty nesting right now but he also never Aiden never asked to foster

Abby no so he sort of was in a way he got stuck with Abby well she's so cute but she is like you know you got a Walk dogs. Yes, so Aiden, you know, he wasn't really looking for the level of responsibility of dog ownership. But he did love having a companion.

Yes, and you were selling them in the idea of cats not being as needy as dogs. I didn't even sell it on it to him. He was the one that was like, oh, you know, like, I could, you know. If this cat's friendly, he goes, they sure doesn't want to be outside? And there's, so this is the thing I grew up, and I know back then every cat was an outdoors cat, but it's like cats get hit by cars, they get fleas, they get picked, up by fucking hawks like it's dangerous for them it's statistically proven your cat will live longer as an indoor cat it's safer yeah but if you go in the comments of some of these cat videos like

it's funny how people have very strong opinions about that about indoor outdoor well you know some people try to like actually these days a lot of people are aggressively against if if you let a cat outside they get very angry yeah unless if you like have it on a leech or you put the bell yeah because you know because they kill birds you know so if you some of them you put a collar with a little bell anyway we're digressing we're digressing this is about lies we you also like you can't tell adults what to do like I can't be like aiden you have to adopt this cat but I remember being like oh it's cool that he like even was considering it and I just was you know I'm coming off me convincing page to get a cat so I'm a little feeling myself I'm feeling little cocky

as a cat missionary the cat whisperer the cat would be funny if I like blatantly lied in this story just for the theme. But anyway, so then the next day, I text Jill and she's like, we got him neuters, he's doing great. And I was like, let's go see him. Today.

Today. And you were like, let me call Aiden to see if Aden wants to come by to meet the cat. But you wanted Aiden to take the cat. And let's face it, you wanted to use Aiden to keep this cat in your life. Let's face it. Because it was a good.

cat. I was being selfish, but I also was like, I felt like the cat chose us, like our family in a way. Yes. And I really felt connected. I mean, look, it takes the smallest thing for me to decide I'm connected to a cat. But it's a good cat. You don't mean a incredible cat.

So then Aiden walks in. And this is the thing. If the cat wasn't initially like into Aiden, I wouldn't have forced it. This cat immediately gravitates towards him, rub it on his leg. And for anyone who's looking to adopt a cat, the rule is find a cat that you think is cute, whatever. and then wait for it to come to you, wait for it to choose you. Don't choose a cat that isn't into you because you have to have that connection from the beginning. So Aiden brought the cat back home.

We bought it all these toys and treats and the cat goes under the bed, per usual, that's what cats do. Eventually the cat gets out and I put him on the bed and he's like, this is fucking sick. He loves the bed. It's so soft. Then Aiden comes and sits down and he puts his head on Aidan's leg and, and I'm crying. It's over. It's over.

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40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's H-U-N-G-R-O-O-T-com slash B-E-E-R- NER. Don't forget to use our link, so they know we sent you. And now we go back to horrible lying stories. You never know where... Southampton Animal Shelter, by the way, everybody support them. They have a lot of kittens right now. Check them out. Okay, so here we go. We're getting into the more sinister lies. Oh.

Here we go. I feel like this prompt was made for me. Please disguise my voice if you can, and I'll keep it as short as possible. Earlier this year, I was seeing a guy that I met through Hinge, and I don't know how, I don't know why, but his ex-girlfriend found my name, who I was, and a variety of ways to contact me from my phone number to social media platforms telling this story that they were actually married, and, like, he was cheating on her with me and all of this wild, wild stuff and tons of accusations that were very convincing. None of it was true, and it's just, it was a wild ride. It was really wild. Other things she did led to criminal charges for harassment, and it was a journey. So, yeah. That was a churn. Wow. I actually have follow-up questions. I want to know, like, at what point did she address it to the guy and be like, hey, I got these messages. It sounds like that was pretty

immediate yeah it sounds like that was immediate and then it's also there's two sides of it like part of me is like how long were you with this person who clearly is unwell the guy before how long was he with her before yeah but it can be hard to know man like no i know or you don't see that side of the person until you leave them and then you're like oh they're fucking crazy that's why i guess it could happen to anyone especially if they're good looking i mean i've made bad decisions for good looking people we watched that documentary that time where the car was remember he was with that girl and then the woman disappeared yeah she pretended talk about a lie yeah if you guys haven't watched it's called the perfect wife on hulu oh is that what it was yeah

the perfect wife on hulu i 100% recommend you watch it when you need a good little like no spoilers yeah no spoilers it's sort of like this is not a spoiler but it kind of sort of begins a little bit like not like this but similar but like it is interesting how like yeah like ex people are people who don't like the guy can reach out to you and be like, by the guy, he's a fine asshole, like, whatever. And you have to decipher. Is it just like a scorned person? Yes.

Or is it actually true? Is it a red flag about the person you're with or the red flag about the person who's messaging you? I've been working on this bit about the Salem Witch Trials that I reminded me up about. A lot of switcherooes today. Well, we missed a week. So we just have to catch up on. It was so, cancel culture was out of control back now. She's a witch.

But I was saying how, like, dating would be so hard because you'd start dating a new guy, and then you'd be with your girlfriends, and they'd be like, he literally just burnt Stephanie at the stake last week. And you have to be like, well, was Stephanie crazy? Did she deserve it? Was she doing spells or not? Like, he said she was doing spells and you don't know how to believe. And then they're like, honestly, like, you're more annoying than Stephanie.

So, like, you're going down to. You know what's so funny? There's still, if somebody hears this, there's still going to be one person that's going to be like, it was the horrible thing that happened in Salem in the 1600s. Yeah, it was horrible. You shouldn't be joking about that. It was horrible. And I'm trying to bring light to it.

But also, if someone says to me, you would have definitely been burnt at the Salem which trials, I will take it as a compliment. Exactly. No, I would be the leader. Like, honestly, if you weren't getting burned, like, you were, yeah, you're, no. Is this okay? This is that. very giggly squad conversation. Oh, is it? That was, we haven't had it, but this is, that was

very giggly coded. Oh, so are you, are you taking it back now? Are you stopping it now so you can take this to page? No, page will take it in a different direction, but you took it in a direction page. It was good. Oh, oh, you can care. Des, would you have burned me? Hannah, excuse me. Would you have been defending the witches? I have to tell you that genetically, I would have still been in Ireland. Okay? It wouldn't have been in Salem. It sounds like an excuse. Wouldn't have emigrated yet? That's an excuse. Why wouldn't you have come from Ireland to tell them to not...

Listen, they were Puritans, okay? I'm not in the Puritan gang. Why are you saying it like that? Puritan. You're like spitting. Puritan. These goddamn Calvinists. I do need to have a sit down to be like of all the like Catholic Christian religions, like what differentiates them? Yeah. Because that's very confusing. Yeah, I mean, I definitely I'm not, I'm not up on the different schools of Protestantism

of that era, but I'm pretty sure they were Calvinists, but I don't quote me on that. I don't know what a Calvinist is, Calvin. This is not my area of expertise. This is not a history pod. Yeah, I don't think anyone confused it as a history pod.

So, this is kind of funny, actually. Hi, so the craziest lie that, like, caught me by total surprise was when I went over to my mom's house, and I hadn't seen her in a bit, but she was, like, laid up on the couch with, like, a bunch of pill bottles in front of her, and she was like, oh, yeah, well, you know, when I went to, like, get that massage down in Mexico and my arm hurt after for a while, well, my implant burst. And so, They went in and replaced the implants. And I was like, implant. What implant? And she said, yeah, I remember I got them, you know, right after I had your brother. That was like, you know, 20 years ago.

And I was like, no, you told me you had big boobs because you massaged them at night. And so I grew up just like massaging my chest, making that, oh, I have big boobs like my mom one day because it ran out but her mother her mother's lie about her fake tits led to her daughter massaging her own chest for 10 years well hopefully if she saw a bump she would have early detected breast cancer yes that's pretty funny that's so it's that's so funny um i love when people trying to lie about their fake tits it's funny though when kids parents would like not tell them like they had a nose job It's like, everyone else can tell. Like, look, your kid looks nothing like you.

My mother started getting filler and Botox in her later years. She told everybody. Yeah. Because she was getting it for half off. She was an influencer. She was like excited about the discount. She was an influencer. But I love that.

She was like, people like, oh, I like your Botox. And she's like, yeah, $30 in a back alley. All right. We're getting into the more serious ones. here. Hey, mom and dad. First-time dialer, long-time listener. Back in middle school, I had a friend who sat me down one afternoon to tell me she had been diagnosed with a fatal heart condition. Given the prognosis, she was very upset, and we just talked about, you know, how much time we were going to spend together, what she was going to do with her final days, you know, normal things you

talk about as a teenager. I went home that day, an absolute wreck, and being despite, and despite being asked not to tell my parents, I obviously told my mom, who was just as shocked and in disbelief as I was. So my mom called her mom to offer any support or assistance, and her mom simply asked what mine was talking about. So, at the end of the day, she was full of shit. She is still alive today with kids. So don't really know what happened there, but trust issues run deep. How old was she? They were younger, obviously, because she's telling her mom. I mean, sometimes I feel like kids who were, like, not getting enough attention,

who, they probably saw someone get a lot of attention for that, and then they were, like, playing around with that, like, identity thing. But it's still sick because, you know, you're going to hurt people's feelings. But it's really fucked up. If she hadn't told her mom, then, like... She would just be sitting with that, like, horrible... Yeah, she would have been, like, spending loads of time with her thinking, like, these are our last weeks together.

Yeah. That's pretty wild. I wondered the motives behind it, and I wanted. her if she still lies like it's like a thing she likes to do although when you're you know some behavior doesn't last your kid no yeah um also i do say we're so mom and dad coded what you keep bringing this up the she i said it she said it oh she called us mom and dad yeah she goes some people have said that in the past i think we are mom and dad who else calls us mom and dad oh bravo by gays

Bravo by gays mom and dad Shut up Buffalo comes to all my Buffalo shows Yes this one is actually a lie that somebody told themselves But you'll see why You'll see why I like it Hi Hannah, hi does The craziest lie I ever told was in high school

When I worked at an ice cream parlor I thought it was going to be a really cool after school job but it was actually like a very mentally abusive place. So I really hated it, but I was a perfectionist and didn't want to quit. But after getting pushed over the edge by a customer asking for the wildest milkshake request, I started crying and told my manager that my elbow was hurting me really bad. And so I had to go to the doctor. And they told me I had to choose either volleyball or ice cream scooping for the rest of the summer.

And obviously I chose volleyball at the time. so they let me finish my shift and I thought I would still have to come in for the next shift because I've never quit a job before and the woman told me that I had to go home because you needed a doctor's note in order for me to ever work there again so it's safe to say they never got the doctor's note

I love that it's a volleyball scooping ice cream it's like I was going to be the greatest ice cream scooper in the world but I had to choose between two dreams and I had to go with mom and ball and it's like an Adam Sandler movie pitch actually my dad used to work at an ice cream shop

and he said his forearm was like so strong from it yeah you know because when you see I feel like some ice cream parlors must hate their staff because you can't like some of these people can't fuck it they literally can't even get it it's so hard I know they need to get the temperature right I knew one of my friends worked on an ice cream

parlor and it was like all the like mean girls worked there and there was all this drama and it was like kind of the cool place to hang at night and it was like it was like drama and she hated working there. I think that's like an OSHA violation if you own an ice cream probably, but you keep the freezer so cold that like somebody can like tear their elbow ligament trying to get a scoop out.

I feel like that. It sounds like she more emotionally didn't like it. It wasn't the physical stuff. No, but I just, I love that. I love the story of it's volleyball or scooping ice cream. You know? For the rest of her life, whatever she wants ice cream, she's like, can someone do it for me? I can't do it.

also as an ice cream connoisseur do you like the fancy ice cream scoopers or do you think they're overrated when you say fancy ice cream scoers you mean the one with the click I love the click

as you know I bought a clicker for us and for your parents early on in our relationship because your parents are big ice cream people huge it's so funny because my parents I can't remember a night when they didn't have ice cream

and I think maybe that's why I like not that into ice cream because I was like how much ice cream do we need to be eating it's getting forced fed ice cream at night I love the clicker our whole lives were about when we drive out to shelter island stopping at friendlies to get ice cream like it was all about stopping at friendlies to get ice cream by the way there's a new ice cream place to open up near our apartment in loryside and it's so fucking lorrieside I'm so excited and then I get there and it was like the it was like peach

And Camomile. There wasn't one fucking normal flavor. There wasn't one normal flavor. I got it and the texture was good. Was it vegan? No, it's not, it's not, nothing wrong with being vegan? You just got so scared. But, you know, it's just like, there wasn't one normal flavor.

Did it taste good? Like, I almost felt like half the flavors were savory. Yeah, no, that's what they do. I do also think, though, sometimes they'll say these crazy flavors, but when you taste it, you're like, that's vanilla with like a subtle... Yeah, it's like salty vanilla. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

But I... No, but this was not like that. Yeah. This was like... See, I kind of... Honestly, it was like, you know what it was like? What? It was like if a spa had an ice cream flavor.

It was like, can we turn the smell of a spa? Yeah. Into ice cream. That's what it tasted like. I don't like too many herbs and stuff. It tasted like a herbal massage. In my mouth. It was like a eucalyptus.

It was lavender. Did I say lavender? What did I say? You did say lavender. Yeah, it was lavender. Yeah. It was odd. Anyway, I digress out.

Alias, dime square till I die. No. Oh. We don't say dime square. We're pro-China town. Sorry, Chinatown. We're team Chinatown. Team Chinatown.

But I do have like, it's kind of a joke that I've never done on stage, but it, as somebody from flushing queens like these people are pissed off that like dime square they're saying it's dime square it's not chinatown and that chinatown's being gentrified but i was like hey this goes both ways because i'm from flushing and it's now completely chinese like demographics shift back and forth you've been kicked out of flushing but i'm team china town you know you know i'm team also you know this is very niche neighborhood conversation happening oh sorry about that anyway i apologize we butter's in the room oh butter came back butters like i can smell you how Matt has been lying to butter all day.

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burn at checkout. Okay, we got a, we got a two-parter. Can we handle it? Oh, can I add one other lie that I do? Okay. I definitely lie about being late. Like, I'm always like, sorry, the traffic when it's like, let's be honest, we were hurtle-durkeling. You know, like, sorry, it was the traffic. In actual fact, I left 20 minutes later than I should have. I don't want to be here. I really was like questioning if I should cancel, but I made, it's a miracle I'm here right now. Okay, so we, our lease was up so we got a new car yesterday all these things that have you know they're like outside of your the zone of stuff that you worry about right so i i was late actually originally because the the parking lot actually couldn't find the car that's that was a real excuse so i'm in traffic and i messaged

the guy because i have a 1 30 appointment to deliver the old car and get the new car and so i message him very quickly and i say hey i'm going to be five minutes late right which was the truth I didn't even make up an excuse. I just said, I'm going to be five minutes late. And then, what happened to me next would sound like this, but was actually the truth. I got stopped by some random dude

with an earpiece, halfway down 61st Street just before Central Park. So between Madison Avenue. So he was just walking like he wasn't even on a bicycle? No, the road was like, just suddenly this guy stands in front of me and stops me. Is he wearing a suit?

But I had been in, like, I had been waiting for the light, so it wasn't like, whoa. He was already in front of me, but then didn't move. So now I got some, like, very large man with an earpiece standing in front of my car. But he never says, like, hey, you know, just a suit with an earpiece, right? So now I'm like, fuck, I told this guy five minutes late. Now I got some fucking, I thought it was a doorman, to be honest. I thought it was like a fancy doorman building on the east side of Manhattan near Central Park.

So very fancy people, right? so then like after three minutes right this guy's just got his hand out and now the traffic ahead is totally gone red lights have passed so now also in new york city any crazy person could just decide that they want to control traffic now he's really delaying me yeah right so after three minutes i go new york and i i i honk at him three times right and he just keeps his hand out right he just gives me the like just wait right i'm like oh right i give it one or two more minutes and then eventually I'm like, what the fuck? So I load my window and I go, yo, who are you? And he fucking takes out his badge and he goes, I'm secret service, who are you? And I was like, honestly, I was like, this guy could be secret service. I needed to know. And then he smiled and he was like, sorry, I should have told you.

He actually like, it didn't escalate. He wasn't thinking and he should have told you. Yeah, but anyway, it's kind of funny. So he goes, I'm secret service. Who are you? I just wanted to know if you were secret service. I didn't know. So then it was like another three minutes

Then finally he lets me go And I lowered my window I said by the way I'm Des Bishop I'm a stand-up comedian And I drove on Check out my new special Yeah check out my new special of all people Google me

Yeah I'm not I don't have any comments about whether you did a good or a bad job With the two attempted Trump assassination Also is it like A.A Like are you allowed to tell people you're in secret service Isn't it supposed to be secret? I guess but he had a badge So

Let's Okay, not so secret service. This is definitely a digression episode. There's a lot of digressing. Okay, this is a two-parter. So when I was in high school, this guy lied about having cancer and said he had three months to live and that his dying wish was to be with me and he wanted to spend some more time with me before he died.

So the impressionable young girlie that I was, you know, spent some time with him and all that. Eventually, I found out that it was all alive. like he was even pretending to go to like doctor's appointments and if he was like at the doctor for something like normal he would like take a picture and pretend it was just really really elaborate the lie continued and then i went away to school for sports and he followed me halfway across the country and moved down the hall for me and the lie continued and he tried to tell people that I was the one lying

and that the cancer was real but he had like a death date and we were two part. Okay so I had to continue the story but he essentially had a date that he said that he was supposed to die and

he followed me and continued the lie well after like six months to a year after his supposed death death date and he continued to like say things like he was in remission and all this stuff but like we found out from his mother that he had a cyst in his like neck or something like that so he was telling everyone that that

was a tumor and it eventually like bursted or popped or whatever cysts do and we were also like in school for sport so we were competing at a really high level of sports and he was supposedly dying, but you needed to take physicals and all that stuff. It was just super crazy, so I hope you enjoy this story. That's so romantic of him. I mean, I guess he just wasn't confident enough. He figured he needed a death date.

This does remind me when Paige was spiraling last weekend, she kept having me feel the back of her neck because there was like a bump, and she was like, I think I have a tumor on my spine. It's like, no, you have acne And you have acne We were in an Uber And I go, I feel like if you had a tumor on your spine

We would have seen a sign Like there would be some sign And the Uber driver starts dying laughing I'm like I feel like we wouldn't have been Torring the last three weeks If you had a spinal tumor I don't know, I feel like Your stress isn't that

So yeah, this guy just needed Dr. Pimple Popper Yeah, literally I want to see the TikTok So this reminds me there was a podcast that it's called Scamanda and it was about this woman Amanda who basically got a whole community around her and her cancer and she created this blog of like

and it kept like she kept getting out of it and then coming back and like she was getting hundreds of thousands of dollars she was like the face of things and like she never had cancer oh my god yeah scamanda check it out another good wreck I have a question but you spoiled it right you kind of

because I spoiled that other podcast earlier and I felt guilty you know it's about a scam you just don't know how she pulls it off but also what do you think is better listening to an audiobook

or watching TV with subtitles what's more reading well watching TV with subtitles is not reading why not it's just not why not

Because I feel like I've read a lot of books recently. Well, no, because, well, I think the boring real reason is because subtitles are, you know, just helping you with the visuals that you're seeing. Whereas an audiobook, it's literature. It's just the audio version of the literature. Yeah, we have to do an audio book for how to giggle. I don't know how that's going to go. Oh, my God.

Jesus. You need to do it behind the scenes on that. You really do. The amount of mispronunciation. Paige is going to be like, oh, no, my spine cancer's coming back. Wow. She's lying. Yeah, that'll be funny.

That'll be funny. I want the director's cut. It'll be cute because some stuff is written by me and some's written by page, so we'll like read our part. I like audiobooks. My only problem is that like there's just somebody decided on what the cadence of an audiobook should be, and it's kind of annoying. It's kind of hypnotic.

Like NPR? I don't know. They just like... Or sometimes you're like, oh, that's not how I envision the character speaking. Actually, I'm going to be honest, never listen to an audio book in my life.

Oh, God. You're lying. You just made shit up. Okay, one thing I do lie about is when people say a quote and they name a very popular movie like, oh, Billy Madison. You know the quote, right?

And immediately you feel like you need to know the quote or you're an asshole, so you have two things you could do, you can go... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

So good. Or you go, no, and deal with the wrath of them being like, oh, you fucking kid me? You never see it. And then if you lie, which I do most of the time, and I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you realize they know you're lying because you're not that excited. So then they're like, have you not seen it? And you're like, no, yeah, I saw part of it. Yeah.

There's go. Yeah, I saw part of it. It's been a long time. That's the worst. They get called out in a lie. But I also, I would never say a quote and then get mad at someone if they didn't. know it. I would be like, sorry, that was a niche quote that I shouldn't have brought into the conversation. Yeah. I mean, that's really it. Let's just do one more so that we don't feel that we

didn't represent it properly. So one time I had an ex lie about being in the military and he showed up to a date with my parents in full uniform, which we later found out he bought from goodwill. So the whole entire time he was never even enlisted in the military. and he lied about it. So that was fun. Like, why did these people feel like that? But why do I feel like this is so romantic? I'm like,

I want a guy to literally feel like he has to change everything about himself for me to even give him the time of day. I know, but showing up in a... No, that's crazy. But it's giving, like, what my ex-boyfriend in high school did. Yeah, and obviously happens a lot. Because, like, on it, like, 80...

Like, there were so many of these that were, like, people, born men. Like pretending Something to try to get laid Yeah Yeah Did like Andrew Tate say Like

Did like one of these like People put it out there Like yo sometimes you just gotta fucking Pretend you somebody else Yeah like girls love military men bro Yeah just say you in the military Yeah just say you're an army guy Yeah it's crazy

Well anyway So do you want to tell Oh yeah okay So quick update Because one thing about me Is I'm gonna be honest with you motherfuckers I'm sorry for cursing to be aggressive but as you know

I'm on Gigli tour right now and it's gotten a little crazy and hectic a lot of traveling we're also shooting some there's stuff going on there's a lot happening and I was like should I pause on burner phone and then I was

like actually no because this pot is doing so well you guys love it we love doing it we're going to continue the pod but weeks I can't be on it Des is going to get great hilarious comedians who are our friends to guest host and when I can make it

I'm going to come on but over the next couple months just for just for a couple months by the way there's going to be some guest co-hosts just to give Hannah just one let in her insane schedule just one tiny bit of ease off of she's not Chappelle Rhone Chappel Rhone

I'm not chapel roaning it no it just honestly I think I was a real boomer moment for me This has been I said Chappelle when I first heard of it too yeah But Dez has been producing it and doing a great job And I want to keep burner phone going Because it's so great And let's be honest, it's great because of you guys

And I'm going to come on when I can But otherwise in a couple months When the tour stops I'll have time to fully invest in it Yeah and we'll get great people to fill in And don't bail on us Just because we're having a temporary pause From regular scheduled programming

Well it's not, it'll keep going And we're going to pick a day that it actually comes out the same day every week. Oh, that's, sorry, yes, that's the other thing. Yeah. We are going to get a bit more on the schedule organized. Yeah, it's because of my schedule. It's my fault.

It's my fault. It's my fault. And I hate... But it's a good complaint. Yeah, and I hate doing things that I can't do 100% to my best ability. I hate when it doesn't come out, even though we didn't even pick a day that we should have. We never did, actually. But we've kept it loose.

But yeah, I'm actually excited for you guys to... kind of burning in hell where we'll have some really, really funny great guests but we're sticking with the burn of phone we're sticking with the format

which is you guys drive the show yes yes you the listener drive the show and I love you guys I will still be Not going anywhere I'm not going anywhere

I'm still posting the burn and phone prompts and thank you for supporting the show we love you so much this is my passion project this is my everything and make sure to if there's any giggly tickets

left anywhere find them and go yeah i'll be in i'm in uh hollywood improv i added a show late show nine o'clock or nine 30 nice which is not really a late show when you're my age is a late show we have a lenox city coming out oh and san diego next weekend yeah so oh you have atlantic city tickets left yeah okay go go on that it's gonna be crazy atlantic city and sacramento i have tickets left yeah and vancouver and boston anyway go on our websites um mom and dad love you so much mom and dad are separating for a second. Anna, oh my God,

that's going to be taken out of context. Jesus. I'm going to visit. No, I love you guys and we'll talk soon. Thanks for calling in. Bye.