Berner Phone - Berner Phone #65: Bad Gifts

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

Sometimes it really is better to give than recieve. This week the dialers are sharing the worst gifts they've ever gotten.   

Hi, it's Hannah Burner And Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone If you leave a message after the tone We may have to make it into a podcast Burner Phone You thought you weren't going to hear from me again I'm back

In these streets It really sounded like you wanted to Go into a freestyle there But it just didn't happen I've been freestyling on the Giggly Squad shows a little bit. Really? Well, I do like a fake Taylor Swift song and I keep adding stuff riffs to it to try to make page laugh.

I'm actually not very good at... I feel like I pick words that have no possible rhyme to them. Right. Like, can you think of an example? Heart. No, not that one. End zone. End zone's easy.

End zone. Phone, alone. Can you give me class? No, there's no classes, but you have to not be intimidated by zone. Zone is easy. Own, a tone. Lone. Yeah, just, you know, I, I just, I, you know, I don't think freestyling is your thing. I want it to be, though. Orange is the famous one that people say has no rhyme. I'm more into just crowd work. Yeah, which is fine. I just, I just, I'm with my crowdwork. Yeah, you're a great improviser. You know, just once you don't have to improvise, you know, just, once you don't have to

improvise with rhyme. I think you're good. I'm trying to work on this new bit. Joking about how disc tracks are just being mean with rhymes and how I wish we did that instead of wars. It's a fine idea. It's a fine premise. Anyway, we forgot we're on a podcast.

Desmond, I just want to say, happy birthday. Right. It is the day after my birthday, just a sense of time and place. The day after. I didn't post. about it, because you told me not to. Well, just in general. I didn't say in recent times, don't post. This is a general rule

of our life. I'm not a big fan of the... I did actually post about my own birthday yesterday, but I'm going to say that it was literally because I knew that story would get a lot of engagement and I was posting about brand of phone?

No, shows. My upcoming shows. So I used my birthday as a ploy to get activity on my story. You're sick. You're sick, sick, sick. Yes. So I will say that I did post about my birthday for that reason.

How must up would it be if I, like, didn't call you or text you on your birthday, but I just posted an Insta story about how much I love you? Yeah, but that's the thing. You know, that's... Well, obviously, you have a lot of opinions on that, but I am not... I just... I am not a huge fan of these, like, social media obligations, you know? Like, as we've discussed on this podcast, we're not a big fan of, like, sending Christmas cards and all these things that used to be obligations back in the day.

Well, I also don't subscribe to the modern obligation, which is the expectation of, like, a social media post. I just, I don't, I don't buy into it. Especially if someone posts it and you look like shit and they look good and you're like, it's my birthday. Oh, I mean, I'm really not a huge. huge, I'm not a huge fan of any posting of me that I haven't okayed, to be honest with you. You know, I like, you know, there's that section in Instagram, the other people posting section. Oh yeah, people are tagging you. Tagging, yeah, I mean, when people post you, there should be a thing that says, this cannot be posted until the other person in this picture

okays it. There is a way that you could be untagable. Oh, right. Or like you have to approve it before you're allowed to be tagged because I want to know the nonsense that, you know. I think eventually, I think eventually with... The nonsense is in how you look in photos.

Oh, oh, oh, as if photos are honest. Like we know a lot of it has to do with lighting, you know, bad moment on your face. Come on. Fake news. No, but it's not how you look. You know, let's not try to pretend that, you know, you look the same in every photograph. I do have to say, in this Giggly Squad tour, there are some photos of Paige and I, like, getting off planes, getting into hotels at 9 a.m. after a three-hour flight.

And I almost feel, I almost have to apologize after the photo. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I mean. They tagged. We're like, are you sure you want a photo of us right now? my ankles are bloated. Well, you know, thank God the paparazzi aren't heavy following you around.

Thank God I'm not famous enough. Yeah, you're not exactly a, you know, thinking about how you look first thing in the morning. Like getting into that morning Uber Hanna, we don't want that on TMZ. We don't want morning Uber Hanna. I thought I was a natural beauty. No, I mean, you know, but there's definitely been

a couple of morning photos of Hannah. that you could very quickly spin a narrative that Hannah needs to go to rehab. Wouldn't be... That I'm a big partier. No, just... No, it's actually so funny. In the morning, we were like at a... All of us were so tired at...

Where were we? Like, Toronto at some breakfast place at 8 a.m. in the airport. And the guy was like, you guys hung over and we're like, no, this is just how we look. Just not morning people. We just don't want to be here at this time in the day But it's funny because with birthdays You know we discuss gifts You know especially in relationships

How gifts can change How gifts are your love language or not And Des thought of a funny idea yesterday Of what are some of your worst ever gifts And it just not birthday gifts Also for holidays Yeah Valentine's we got a lot of

of valentines. Do you consider yourself a good gift giver? A good gift giver? I mean, I think a pretty decent gift giver, though. We know. But let's get into the worst gift. Let's not, you know, what's the worst gift you ever received? Well, first I just want to say that it reminded me my dad, because my dad lights up a room, can make anyone laugh, not great at gifts. And even when he was little, his sister said that once he dug up like a rubber toy from the backyard and gave it to her as a he dug up a rubber toy yeah like a rubber lizard and found it in the backyard and then gave it to her as a gift and like thought it was a good idea and then nowadays like he'll go into a store and they'll be like who are you shopping for and he'll be like my wife and they'll sell him

anything like he'll be like the sales guy said that you would like this and she's like you No, I don't like that. Why would you listen to sales guy? And he's like, but he told me that all the ladies like this right now. I'm like, Dad, you're in sales. Do you don't understand how sales work? I mean, in defense of any married person, man or woman, when you're married a long time, it gets harder to do gifts.

You know, you've bought everything. Or it's easier because I'm less of a, like, expensive gift person and more of like an inside joke person. Like for Paige's birthday, she had been mentioned. how she wanted to carry Daphne and I got her like a baby carrier thing for Daphne and then I got her these crocks

and I got this whole thing of stuff that was all like inside jokes because I think that means like I would enjoy that more than someone being like oh I spent a lot of money on you yeah except when the joke is pointless when is a joke ever been point when is a joke been pointless

no like when the joke is like not a good joke as what I meant to say yeah it needs to be cute and specific and something that just you got. It's like sending a funny meme. That's my love language. That which is very much your love language. Well, the worst present I ever got. Well, sorry, it wasn't actually the worst present I ever got.

But at the time, I thought it was the worst present. Because I was in a relationship with somebody who was very much into like being adventurous with the gift. Like, rather than just like getting something that I needed or like that I said that I wanted. it was like, no, let's surprise. And I'm not a huge fan of this. I'm not a huge fan of the surprise present. So. You don't like surprises, period.

Yeah, well, I wasn't a big fan of the surprise present. Don't like posts on Instagram without that surprised me. No, so she got me a dartboard and she was like so excited about the dartboard. Like she thought I was going to love it. And I just like was like, what? like I tried to keep it cool but I was just like why would you why would you get me a dartboard like what what is what in our relationship what in this life has made you think that I would want a dartboard and uh I love that you get upset you're like how could you misunderstand me I didn't express it with such power but I I did uh you know I did there was definitely some disappointment and uh

it's funny though because I feel like some guys who've gotten me gifts that I like didn't like that much I'm like what the fuck is this where like if I like him I'm like it's perfect yeah well no we were past the having to pretend phase but what I will say is

we broke up and I remember I was in actually the house I'm in right now for this house I nearly gave the address this house, because it was like a move. I put the dartboard up. This is like four years later. So it was like moving the dartboard across

from like another house. So that's, I was like, oh, I saw the dartboard that I had hid, I put it up in the wall. And me and Aden were playing darts. And I was like, oh, shit. I was wrong. She was right. She was fucking right.

This was a great present. Fuck. So, anyway, it wasn't, it wasn't why, it wasn't why we broke up. It wasn't why we broke up. What did we learn? What did we learn? I like dartboards. That women are always right.

Um, no. Wait, what did you tell her after you just were like, oh, thanks? I didn't tell her. It wasn't, it wasn't in a, it wasn't in a time to review past Christmas presents time in our relationship. So. I think my worst gift. I remember once a guy got me a gift

and like looking back at it again I'm like that actually was a nice gift but like I thought it was stupid like he got me a yoga mat with the Brooklyn Bridge on it because he was like you're from Brooklyn and you like yoga and looking back at it I'm like that makes complete sense

but at the time I was like that's corny and he got me like a cat thing like a cat iPhone case and I was like do you even know like yeah I like cats and yoga in Brooklyn but you don't have to be so literal with it. So literal, I know.

I think I was just over him. Are you a young? So, look, can we get into some? Because we got a lot. Oh, did you like how the little burners? Oh, my God. Do we forget to say that Hannah's been very sick? Hannah's very sick and she's all over the place.

By the way, just for the listener, you haven't been privy to this, but Hannah has moved like seven times, The Zoom is all over the place We're giving her some grace Because she has diarrhea all day But There's a lack of focus here

On the other side of the Zoom Like I've been trying to concentrate Hannah keeps moving The Zoom's going all over the place She's petting butter The TV was on It was flashing

Okay The little dialers Did you like Do you think they did good They did great They did great I'm never going to say They didn't do great

But they did they did great so um this one what were their worst gifts this one like the way that it read because you know that i read them the way that it read if if it read correctly then this is this is wild hi des hi hannah um long time giggler and dialer such a fan um the worst gift i ever received was from my father god rest his soul um but When I was approximately 14 years old, it was my birthday. Actually, I might have even been younger, like 12 maybe. My birthday came around.

I was opening gifts, and I got another gift from my dad. I proceeded to open it, and it was a period pack with all of the necessities that you might need for your first period. I hadn't even gotten my period, I don't think, at the time, so I was quite mortified that my father would gift this for me. God love him. He just picked up a nice little girls pack from Walmart and to say that it was a miss is an understatement. Love you guys lots. Love the pod. Bye. I mean, I don't know. There's a practicality to it. Part of me thinks it's cute. Yeah, part of me thinks it's cute. Did the mom say like you should do this to bond with her? Also, I love that she's like, rest and peace, dad, but I'm calling you out on this podcast.

My dad's dead. But, I mean, obviously, you know, it's not a fun present. It's definitely practical. It's funny, though. As you get older, I'm like, yeah, I need period pads. But she hadn't got her period yet. That's what she said. That's actually the most dad shit ever.

Like, they have no idea when your birthday is. It doesn't want to have the conversation. So it's like, hey, I don't want to talk about this, but you're going to need these. You're going to need these in the future. I've been doing on stage asking guys. you know how girls pee with a tampon in and like it's really 50-50 the guys who know and the guys who don't it's really 50-50 out in these streets and then even when they know they're still unsure like they'll be like it's a different hole and I'm like say it with your chest bro

none of them know what a super tampon is I don't think I know what a super tampon is it comes in different flavors I don't think I was like what is a super tampon it's the size it's the biggest oh this does remind me though like how nowadays like if someone got me really soft socks I'd be like thank you how the things when you're little nowadays you appreciate like napping yeah I mean you would appreciate a period pack because one day you would run out and you'd be like oh remember that remember dad got me that period pack what did I put that you know it's a positive someone got me travel size mouthwash I'd be like thank you yeah exactly see these are the things and actually actually somebody

it's not in here but somebody had sent in somebody got me like a collection of travel size things that they obviously like took out of the oh you know the way kids have like the kids have like the pick and mix for sweets for adults it's the

it's the travel size section of CVS you know they have that section that has like little pant 10 and little avino oysterizer well all greens in those places should sell like all those little stuff

in its own sock. What is it called? Christmas stockings. Oh, oh, a Christmas stocking for Christmas, you mean? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Right, that would be a good stocking filler. Yes, just small toothbrushes, floss, hairspray.

All right, let's... Wait, can I tell you what one person DM me? What? She just wrote the worst gift I ever got was Chlamydia. Oh, I mean, that's not really a gift. Well, that was the joke. Oh, I guess. Because he gave her something.

On that general theme... Hey, Hannah. Andes, when I was straight out of uni, I worked at a property development firm and the team were pale, stale and male. We did a secret centre and I was given a box of vagusil thrush tablets, not sponsored. And the room kind of fell silent when I unwrapped it because no one knew how to respond. And my director, who I barely even knew and definitely not on this level, after quite a long, dramatic Paul was followed through with for an irritated cunt. I'll let you guys decide whether it was my best or worst Christmas present.

Thanks. Wow. Amazing. Well, okay, she's British. Yes. That was an incredible accent. He's cunt less bad because if they said that in America for an irritated cunt, we'd be like, okay, you hate me. Yeah, I mean, it seems to me when she was saying that she kind of like a badge of honor

that she's like, finds things irritating. but everything about it is inappropriate. But yeah, the seaworth doesn't have the same power on this side of the Atlantic, the side I'm currently on, that is. It's one of those things where it's like, if you're going to do a joke, let's make it funny. Yeah, this is...

Something for a vagina is like a typical guy being like, oh, my vagina's a funny ball! But the problem is that it's her boss and he's like for an irritated cunt. So, you know, it's definitely the worst present. Unless you happen to have thrush and we're too embarrassed to buy Vagicil and you coincidentally got some Vagicil

then Eureka Then it's a great day for everyone Then it's a perfect day man You know you've never had thrush though right Secret Santa is very like It can be very fun But it's also unnerving Because everyone like sees what gifts you get

And you don't know who's gonna go too much Or too little Yeah And then have you heard about this like white elephant game Somebody mentioned it in this But I don't know what white elephant is It's basically like Secret Santa Except you can trade

gifts so like once you get it you could be like okay I want to trade you instead of give it's a whole it's actually quite complicated but drama honestly gifting you have to some people should win an Oscar by how they react to like enjoying gifts like I don't think I would ever when someone's like you could return it I would never return it unless it was like a thousand dollars yeah I mean return it if it's expensive but with people that I don't know that well I can I can I can fake oh my god amazing and wait till they leave and then be like what the fuck were they thinking but i can't with people that i'm close with i can't fake it like i i i'm i just have to be like all right so where this was an absolute waste of a purchase you know like let's let's let's

rectify this before this lingers before this lingers in the air there's this thing where like people love sending you flowers and i started to realize, like, you know, like you something had, like Netflix, I got Netflix and people send me flowers. And flowers are expensive. And I'm like, honestly, like, I'd rather food. I'd rather a facial or a massage. Like, yeah. Who normalized sending flowers? Like, let's stop. Stop with the flowers. Send me something good. Send me honey and jam. Like, yes. Send me, you know, like, I like a fruit basket. The only problem with a fruit basket is like if you only live with two people then you're not going to get through the fruit

basket you know true we had that with edible arrangements before we had that with edible arrangements it was like it was annoying because it was amazing a fly problem well a little bit of fly problem but again so much cooler than flowers and maybe i'm just not a trad wife maybe other people enjoy flowers i think some people do and it's nice in their home but i'm never home i'm on tour, I'm hungry. Yeah, I, you know, the flower thing in that situation, you know, the kind of like congratulations on your thing, I don't know, man, I just, I'm not a huge fan of that, but that comes from like the theater tradition.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. There are some companies, though, where it's like, they give cute little gift boxes that you can send. Yes. Love a gift box. Love anything that has, like, butter, jam, biscuits.

things that don't go off big fan do you like how much do you like jam big jam guys is this is this is this clear i really think maybe we need to do a jam episode do you know what you know what i bought in bala malu because i had a show in bala malu last week do you know what i bought in bala malu plum jam plum jam is that your favorite no but i just i love a unique jam i have to let everyone know that butter's sitting on me right now during this I have to let everybody know that this pot has been recorded with the most screen movement in the history of podcast recordings. I have to let everyone know that I've been having diarrhea all day and I keep having to repossession my body because my stomach hurts.

Yes, Hannah has a stomach virus and she's really been suffering. I feel like the devil has been coming out of me and I feel pure now. I'm an angel. But you hydrated, right? Yes. I would love the gift of, of, of, a connected stool. Is it Mylanta?

Is that, no. What's the, what's the thing that blocks you up? Emodium. Oh, I don't know. Emodium. I've never taken it. You've never taken it? No.

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Hey, come on, we got to get through some gifts here. With so many gifts Here's one One year for my birthday I was a little overweight And a little unaware So my parents thought It would be a good idea

To give me a scale For my birthday That was it I cried And became very aware Yeah That's a bad gift These gifts are getting dark

That's a bad That's bad that's bad bad bad but if it motivates you to get like a little fit then i guess it's okay but i don't want to be like fat shaming i would i don't want to be fat shaming i'd return it for therapy i'd return for therapy that's like a gift like hey we got you a year supply of ozempic it's like oh i didn't want to go on ozempic it's like you sure we've been talking to guys on stage and i've been asking them if they go to therapy and one guy was like yeah from my shoulder for six months and i was like not the same

It's not what we're talking about. All right, here we go. Okay, so one year my boyfriend brought the shark vacuum home as my birthday gift. And in his defense, I did want one really bad. But last thing I thought was that I was going to get it for my birthday. And I was like, babe, this is such a patriarchal gift, sir. Like, what? I mean, like, thank you.

Like, I want to keep it. But can I also get another gift that's fine? Like, hello? Who gets a girl, like, a vacuum for her birthday? that's a tough because she was saying she wanted it and then she got it and then she's like no but not for my birthday that's the illogical that's the logical brain of a guy being like she said she wanted it so i'm gonna give it to her but that is funny she's like it looks like him like clean my house bitch and she's like that's what it sounds like even though he's actually going like she keeps going on that she wants his

vacuums i'm going to get it i do think yeah sometimes gifts can give a bad message for sure, which I'm now realizing. I more am guilty of getting people gifts, I think, for my partner, especially of stuff that I want. I'm getting the couple massage. I'm getting the trip. I'm in on it. You know, what do we want to do?

Yeah, well, I did a radio ad years ago for one of my tours, which was like, which was, hey, you know, get your partner tickets for my show for Christmas because you want to go because the best Christmas present is a present that's really for you. This is actually a pro-o than I did. Period. Period. Period. Period. You know? I actually think I got you a cute gift for your birthday. This year? Mm-hmm. Am I going to see it in person? Mm-hmm. Wonderful. But not till you come back from Ireland.

But this is not the cute gifts section. This is the worst gift section. Do you remember once I ordered you something from like Deliveroo or something in Ireland and you thought someone was like breaking into your house because it was a surprise? Yes, but that was a great gift. You got me Murphy's ice cream. You got me Murphy's ice cream. There was three, to be honest, like, you should have sent a scale with that,

the amount of ice cream I ate after it. But yeah, Murphy showed up at like 10 p.m. by the way. It was like really late. And you were like, oh my God, hold on one second. Well, yeah, because that's like the Sebastian Man of Scout. routine like in the modern day when like somebody knocks on the door you're like who the fuck like what the fuck yeah but anyway it was uh the deliveroo guy with some great murphy's ice cream which i i actually i didn't eat as much as i wanted because fucking bella ate a lot of it

just for the record but a great gift that was a great see now that was a nice surprise but Hannah, you know that it's not a risk buying me ice cream. But this is the worst! This is the worst present episode. Let's keep moving. Just because we have so many, I want to get through them. You know, we've actually, you know we've already done here for a half hour.

So I want to get through some apps. I want to get through some. This is listed as crazy mother-in-law gift. Hi, Hannah and does. The worst gift I ever received had to be this one from my mother-in-law A little back story, she was late to our wedding, which caused us to have to delay our ceremony by like 45 minutes and push back and condense cocktail hour and, you know, everything.

Complete mess. But she never acknowledged or apologized for this whatsoever. But six months later, right before Valentine's Day, she sent us this giant Christmas-themed box of Swiss colony shelf. stable meats, cheeses, jams, and a bunch of shit with a gift message that read, meat means never having to say you're sorry. And I wasn't really sure what to do with that. So, yeah, probably one of the worst gifts I've ever received. And I took that personally.

Wait, is meat means never having to say I'm sorry. Is that like a saying? No, I think something means never having to say I'm sorry is like a thing. I don't think a meat is it. Yeah, definitely not meat. But also, can you imagine like being the reason why a wedding is delayed when you're not the bride or the groom? Also, can you imagine knowing that people want an apology and then writing a note being like, I'm not giving you an apology? Yeah, and here's some fucking salami.

here's some salami you know what kind of fucking mafia shit is this it's like you're lucky you're alive it's crazy I wonder why she was late like what happened I know

gosh some people just my mother wasn't great with the sorries but she wouldn't even she wouldn't even bring up the she wouldn't she wouldn't be like it means never having to say sorry she'd be like what like you're still going on about that

That's what I'm saying It's kind of crazy She's acknowledging it And being like a kid But I won't But I do appreciate a good meat And cheese basket Almost I'd prefer that

Than a fake sorry A fake apology Yeah I agree This is this is like a theme This could be a whole podcast episode This one Okay I'm so happy you ask this question

I'm sorry I'm eating lunch So the worst gift that I get are gifts that my aunt gives me, who is a very thoughtful woman, but she likes to travel a lot. She travels abroad. Great. But she gets the worst touristy gifts. So like I'm thinking key chains. I'm thinking bedazzled hats. I'm saying shirts that I would never wear that it looks like they have clip art with like rhinestones and like curly cue font and it's pink and that's very not my body. It's like very much like, do you know me? at all um so yeah every time they come back we just know we're gonna get a t-shirt or a keychain

that is like super generic and not always super like specific to the country that they visited but the intention is there but it's very like i wish i could send you photos because i think i already donated everything but okay bye okay so low key like i get it to be like i'm traveling oh shit, I'm in the airport. It would be nice to bring someone back. But it's the same thing of like showing someone a video of a concert being like, see, wasn't this fun. It's like a keychain from a place that I didn't go doesn't mean anything to me. In their head, they think that it's like, I thought of you. Well, I think this is one of these things that needs to be eradicated. The obligatory present went away. Some people literally, like, they

put time aside on their trip as like, I have to get things for people. Not because like it's a time where you should get things for people, but just they feel like you're supposed to bring things back when you go away. It is helping the economy in some other cities. I mean, I get it, but I just, I don't think that that pressure should exist and a lot of people feel it. Like I've had people. Yeah, but I do think if you love jam and I go somewhere that has a amazing homemade jam, then you get it. But don't get people these like generic, yeah, like key chains or a pen from wherever. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah, but the thing is, this is what I'm talking about is that there's this thing out there that you're supposed to get

things for people. And I've had people visit me in Ireland or Irish people visit me when I'm back in New York. And they like, they're always on about like, yeah, eventually I'll have to go and pick up some presents, you know? And you're like, you, that can't be part of your trip, like the need to just pick up shit. I did have someone once buy me like the most uncomfortable sweater, like the itchiest, ugliest, ugliest sweater. And they were like, I got this for you. And I was like, I don't know what to do with this. This is an attack. Well, that's always my, I used to do. That was a joke in Ireland about like, you know, Ireland has an iron jump, Aaron jumpers, Aaron sweaters.

right which Irish Americans like you gotta get an Aaron sweater when you go to Ireland and Irish people are like we're so itchy we'd never wear these fucking till we fucking get the Americans to bite him they're the worst

sweaters of all time I used to say that the Aaron sweaters were like the CIA would use them to interrogate Al Qaeda people to get information out of them it's like no don't put the don't put the sweater on again with no t-shirt I won't be able to handle it

but I could see when you're there and you're like oh this part of the culture and it's cute and people wear it I'll bring it back so my niece can wear and then your niece is like why are you forcing me to wear this like cactus shirt I just had a memory just like because I obviously you know every now and then we have these moments where you know you say like oh I wonder what you know it'd be like to meet your mom so I just had a just this is a good example of what my mother was like right so my dad very rarely went away when we were younger you know because it was working for Burbby, but he was just the general manager.

He wasn't like, you know, an executive traveling, but he had to take a couple of trips. And one of them was to London. I think it was the first time he ever went away, you know, when we were kids. So he comes back from London with like, I don't know, like, I think a London t-shirt or maybe like a like a double-decker bus, like little toy, you know? And my mother goes, yeah, I mean, he just got them at the airport, but I guess they were right. Right in front of us. Shamed his presence.

I mean, he just got him at the airport. I love an honest queen. It's just so funny. It's like, keep everyone honest. Anyway, we crack on. I did. Now I'm questioning myself. I did get maple syrup for, oh, I got maple syrup for Lois.

And I was like from Canada. And it was like pretty, but I was like, Lois, like pancakes? And she was like, yes. And I was like, what do you like to eat with your pancakes? And she goes, blueberries. And I'm like, well, I got you maple syrup from Toronto. And she was like, what? Yeah, because they're modern parents. It's probably too much sugar. Maybe. Maybe. Okay. I have another great holiday gift for the boys in your life. Or the men, whatever you want to call them, I'm obsessed with true classic. It's the best-selling t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and more in

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loves all of them. Their premium products at an affordable price, so I literally go off. And it has easy returns if they are bulking up, you know, they've been working out a little, they need to return it, or they just want a different size. I don't judge, whatever they want. They're so comfortable and I know that men really want things that are comfortable, and so do I. The men in your life need this. Shop true classics, ultra-comfortable, perfect-fitting essentials, and get the perfect gift. And right now, unlock big savings during their huge holiday sale. So if you're ready to do them a favor and upgrade his closet, head to trueclic.com slash burn.

That's T-R-U-E-C-L-A-S-S-I-C-C-L-A-S-S-I-C-R-N and support our show. It's Helen we sent you and the year with holiday cheer thanks to True Classic. Guys, I got to tell you about our Helix mattress. Now, you may know that we have a house out in West Hampton. And I love being out in West Hampton, but there's one problem. I don't have a Helix mattress in that house. And the difference between those mattresses is insane. When I get back to our apartment and I get into that mattress, I'm just like, oh my God.

I used to not be a believer in, like, mattresses. being that different. Like, I get, I get tight, I get tight back, whatever. I gotten a little older. I never get, like, the tight back, like my middle back, especially. It's just never tight after a sleep in our New York apartment. When I'm out in West Hampton, always tight. Gonna have to replace that one.

Honestly, I've never really gotten to a mattress before. Like, when we first got our mattress, when I got into it, I was just like, oh, my God. It's firm, but it's just, how can one describe a firmness that also feels like you're sleeping on a cloud? That's the way I feel about a Helix mattress. It is absolutely worth it to make that change. I know a lot of people struggle to say, what's the point in changing your mattress? But when you get on a mattress as nice as Helix, you will know why it is worth it. And you will know why people go on about the importance of mattresses.

So I highly recommend you give it a shot. They have a November offer 25% off sitewide plus two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase and a free betting bundle, two dream pillows, sheet set and mattress protector with any Lux or Elite mattress order. So go to HelixSleep.com slash burn to get the November offer that I just mentioned. You will not regret it. all right this one the title is is drawing me to it hi hannah hi does love the pod so my mother although is an amazing person she is famously a terrible gift her and what i mean is like she just

buys a bunch of shit and gives it to people on their birthday no thought behind it which is funny because like she hates people that do that to her but you know what whatever so one year on Christmas. I think it was the first year that my fiancé now and I were dating, so like seven years ago, he came to my parents' house for Christmas. And my mom got me a fishnet body suit, straight up lingerie. We're like sitting around the Christmas tree. We all take her in opening our gifts. I opened my gift. My brother just looks at my boyfriend at the time and goes, well, Merry Christmas. It was so embarrassing. Like I have my other brother there, my dad, and my mom is just completely oblivious

to the fact that she just gave me lingerie. So, yeah, that was probably my... I mean, it's actually not a bad gift. It's just that where she received it is the problem. Right? Yeah, and who it's from. It's weird getting lingerie from your mom. I guess it is, yeah.

Except that, you know, lingerie is handy to have. But I guess it's supposed to be like a, you know, gift the guy. Is lingerie handy to have? I've never been like, oh, you know what I've made this? day better lingerie. Yeah, but some people like lingerie. You know, like some people like it. You're some of these freaky crazy people like, love lingerie.

Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you who likes it. Her mom. Her mom definitely thinks it spice up her life. Even her mom was like, do you want this relationship to last? This is my trick, this fishnet. There was a time where I was getting a lot of sex toys like delivered to me. Yeah, but they were by brands. By brands.

So then I would, when I was like putting together, care packages for my friends. I was just throwing in sex toys. Yes. They'd be like, ooh, lip gloss. Ooh, moisturiser. Oh, a dildo. Thank you.

I thought it was very funny. Okay, well, actually, this is an ethical conundrum, right? Like, because, you know, you get sent stuff. And I think it's great when you give that stuff to other people. But I do think, like, when you fob it off as, like, a real gift, then that's, like, I think that might be dubious ethics. Yes. Well,

what I've learned is that sometimes when you give people a lot of gifts, they don't appreciate it, like instead of you giving them fewer but higher quality gifts. Like if I give you one lipstick, you'll like it more than if I give you eight lipsticks. No, but if like your psychological thing. But if you're somebody who like in your situation,

you're getting a lot of like samples. You get it for free. Yeah, you're getting samples, right? so then I think people love those gifts where they go oh Hannah got a load of this shit and now she's giving a toss that's exciting whereas I think if it's like Merry Christmas and then they're like

I'm pretty sure this is some of the shit that Hannah gets for free then it's like by the way this is a hypothetical but yes but I do I do think if I'm going to do that which I've done it before I make sure it's something specific that they like really have wanted so if it's like one of my friends loves perfume and I get a perfume sent to me. I'll be like, okay, I'm going to give that to

her. But you're right. I mean, I personally think that like, I remember the age that I realize I have to start getting Christmas presents for everyone in my family. I'm being like, in this economy? Like, it's expensive. Yeah, the whole thing is crazy. So it's like either everyone's getting shit gifts or only one person's getting a gift. What do we want? So this is another a good theme, in my opinion, coming up here. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I think the worst gifts I've gotten were gifts that didn't actually exist. Like, oh, I got you this really nice, expensive necklace, but when I got home, it was broken.

So then I had to return it, and they don't have any other ones. Like, I was going to do this, but I didn't. And now there's nothing else. I didn't do anything else to replace it. Or, like, oh, I was going to pay for you to get professional photos taken. but I haven't booked anything. I haven't paid for anything. I haven't found someone to do that and it never actually is going to happen. Or like, oh, I found this really cool hoodie, but oh, no, it got lost in transit. And now they're out of stock and there's nothing else. So those are

like, oh, I was going to do this, but I didn't. Like, why even tell me, just do something, just pick out something else instead. Like, I'm not a very materialistic person, but clearly you put zero thought or effort into getting me a gift. And I'm pretty sure you're just lying now. Yeah. Love that. That's just a lie. No, it has happened. It does happen where like the gift doesn't arrive on time or something. But then when it does come, like make sure it comes. No, 100%. But this is a great, this is a big theme because I think it happens a lot. There was like a trend going on for a while where like it was like cute to give your significant know they're like these like coupons so it would be like one back massage one trip to the movies

one dinner date but like really it meant nothing because like you're not actually going to be like you massage my back and out bitch oh sorry one back massage for me yeah so get the fuck out of here oh my god yeah like it's like a coupon thing being like one bag massage one dinner date one trip to the mall Oh my god That's Yeah that that's unacceptable That this reminds me But I do have to say I do appreciate art

I like when people write a poem Or write something nice or draw something Or make something I think that's sweet Oh arts and crafts Hannah likes arts and crafts That's cute though Okay

Here we go Hey love you guys So the gift that I hate is more like a class or a category of gifts. And it is the last minute CBS slash Walgreens gift card usually purchased, you know, after work on the day of the birthday or the anniversary or Valentine's Day

or whatever the occasion is, usually presented in like a super generic card that's not like your vibe, it's not your sense of humor, that's just completely tragically, like, lame. and often it has the receipt connected so you can even like see the time it was like purchased at like 632 on a Wednesday night and it's given to you at like 715 so that's the whole class of gift that I think is the worst gift I used to get those consistently from a person who I'm no longer married to

so yeah that's that's my consensus in wow the gift card in general getting me a CVS gift imagine I mean I would get you an Uber Eats one I'd get you an Uber Eats one Yeah but still it's like No it's true

I don't like the gift card thing No I mean I don't I don't mind a gift card If like You just purchased a house And somebody says Here's a size like a sizable gift card To like Ikea or bed beth and bail

I don't even know if it's still a thing But you know what I mean like Then you go okay That's thoughtful because it's like then you can pick out something that you want, but they have thought. I think it's different if it's like, if it's like,

yeah, your aunt got you a Starbucks gift card. You're like, thank you. That's very nice. But like when it's your husband? Oh, no.

No. That's insane. Do you know what my grandmother used to, my grandmother used to always get us for like our birthdays. And even though it's tiny and probably inappropriate for children, I used to love them.

It's such a happy memory. She always got us. Hinekins. Scratch card Oh, that's cute It's fun, it's an experience Exactly I love that

Then I got him for my godchild Out here Oh my godchild And his brother and sister Out here in Dublin One time And like they're so posh Like they're

There's such little You know like Little well brought up kids That they'd never done a scratch card They actually were like What do I do? And I was like You've never done a scratch card

They were like no And then, of course, nobody has money anymore, so we couldn't even find a fucking coin to scratch it because it's like no coins around. That's sad. But then one of them won, one of them won like 20 euro. No, sorry, it was actually 50 euro. That's a pretty good haul.

That was a pretty good hole. Yeah. And now they're addicted to scratch-offs. Yeah, now they're all having gambling problems. I also, I'm the same as you. Like, I do not like receiving gifts. it seems like just a, like, judgment day. It's just like setting people up for failure.

Yeah. I honestly, as I've gotten old, I've just gone more and more off the whole giving and receiving gifts. Like, I'm not going to not give, but at the same time, it's just like, why are we putting this much pressure on gifts? You know, but maybe I'm just getting more irritable as I've gotten older. Okay, let's do one more, and then I might quickly tell the story. It just, it reminds me of gift giving what happened at the show last week in Bally Blu, which I told you about, but I'll remind you in a sec. Okay, here we go. One year, I was turning seven for my birthday, and I got a really big gift from my grandma, and I was so excited.

And inside this giant box was a single ring of ring baloney from, like, the local meat market. It was a snack. I love to enjoy at her house. But, like, as a seven-year-old expecting some amazing present, I was like, what in the world is this? Like, what the hell, Mimi. Wait, that's so funny because what people don't know is Des loves Bologna, and Des would have loved that gift. Love Bologna. And it's getting harder and harder to get.

And then there was like a Listeria outbreak at a fucking Boardshead facility in Virginia. Oh, so Bologna PR is not. Bologna. Bologna was already having bad PR, but like this is like, this is rock bottom. This is like 10 years ago, Bred. I feel like you have to do a bit about Bologna and why you like it so much and how the PR has gone downhill. Yeah. And what they can do to rebrand?

What is Bologna? Who do they need to collab with? Yeah, because bread made a comeback, man. You know, bread was like Mel Gibson. It was like totally done in this business. The next thing, it's like, no, this guy still has a career. Like that's bread. Sourdough bread came through.

Sourdough really resurrected bread, you know? Yeah. That's funny. There's something there. There's something there. There's literally something that write it down. Irish people are so naturally funny. People are always like, it's hard to articulate how that is, you know?

So can I quickly tell my story? Do you remember the story? Okay, so I was doing a show in Bali Maloo, which is like, actually the most beautiful country house in East Cork actually very near where my father grew up and even closer to where we spread my dad's ashes

and it's always like just such an amazing show but it's very posh like it's very up market and the venue is an old grain store and I always make fun of the owners as being like super posh but they're in on it

they love it right so the guy in the front row at my show was from like a tough neighborhood in cork city where i went to college so i established he was from this particular area of cork city mayfield for those that know and uh you know a bit of banter about you know what's he doing in bala malu this is for posh people you shouldn't be here whatever and uh so then he gets up to go to the toilet so then when he was in the toilet i was joking saying oh the owner is freaking out now because it's like the guy from mayfield is roaming around unsupervised he could take anything and there's paint they actually have

on the wall of the venue are paintings that are for sale. So I was joking, saying the owner's like, keep an eye on the paintings. He's going to keep an eye if there's any empty spots on the wall. The guy from Mayfield's going to take the paintings. It was just a joke, right? Audience are laughing. So then I'm continuing on with the show.

And the audience start dying laughing. And I have no idea why. And then I turned to my left. And the guy from Mayfield had returned from the bathroom with a huge framed painting in his hand. That's hilarious. That is ballsy

and unbelievably perfect timing and incredible comedic timing insanely comedic time I love when the crowd work becomes a larger bit that they're involved in and they're playing along with it I love it

As Keith Hernandez always says in the booth when talking about the Mets you know like opposition player like just hits does an amazing hit you just have to tip your cap you know what can you do

this was a This was a perfect comedic moment from this crowd member I hope that they gifted him that painting for free I don't know what he did

I don't I don't know one I don't know how he got it off the wall number one I have so many questions number two I don't know where he put it back on the wall I don't know where he put it for the rest of the show but I know that after the show

it was just like on the stage so it wasn't there wasn't a lot of practical thinking about what happens afterwards but incredible moment that's the Irish stuff you know you're always like trying to explain the crack that that's the crack right there I do think what we learned today is the one gift that we will always give you guys is the gift of gab the gift of the gap the gift of the laughter the gift of the gab and that's what we will always provide for you speaking of court do you know what's supposed to give you the gift of the gab. The kissing the Blarney Stone. The Blarney Stone.

Kissing the Blarney Stone is supposed to give you the gift of the gab. So, you know, Charlie people are the big, oh, he must have just kissed the Blarney Stone. But anyway. The Blarney Stone. We finished off on a bit of cork nostalgia there at the end. I think we also should play out some more gifts just for people to know what to avoid this holiday season coming up.

Oh, can I play a quick one? Because I actually, I love this one. This is such a dad one. I think I accidentally recorded the wrong one. but it was the title was $200 rebate on a phone and it was like her dad had bought her a phone and she was supposed to pay him back and she still hadn't paid him back

so for Christmas he gave her a $200 rebate on what he on what she owed that is so I feel like that's hilarious that's real dad shit I know I feel bad I feel bad that I recorded the wrong one but I remembered the prompt If you sent in the prompt, if you sent in the bad gift, I appreciate it. We hope your daddy issues has made you funny.

Yeah. So what are we going to say? Promote some shows? Oh, yeah. I have some working out shows in Irvine, Maryland, and Alabama coming up. Which Irvine? The improv. In California.

Mm-hmm. And that's it. That's all you're promoing for now? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. So I have shows coming up. Vancouver, Seattle, and Boston, and Charlotte and Greenville, and loads more. Going on a big Irish tour in the new year and all the dates are on my website.

Well, thank you so much, little dialers, for listening with us today. We love you. We hope Hannah gets, her stomach settles down. And we'll talk soon. We love you. Bye. Hi. Thanks for calling.

The worst gift I've received was for my dad this year for my 30th birthday. He gave me a $200 rebate on the phone. He bought me back in May that I was supposed to pay him back for. And obviously I haven't paid him back yet because, you know, that's my dad. So who really pays back their dad? But yeah, so he gave me a $200, $200 off of what I owed him for my 30th birthday. The worst gift I've ever gotten came from a guy. I was actually, like, madly in love with.

By the time it was my birthday, I wasn't. But for his birthday, I spent the entire day with him. I got him concert tickets because, like, that was our thing. And, like, bought a round of shots for his friends. We went to dinner together. Literally spent the whole day together. for my birthday first of all he asked me the week of my birthday what we're doing and i'm like why would i make plans with you for my own birthday my other friends like obviously were on the ball and scheduled it

already so he didn't spend my birthday together and he was pissed and then he eventually gives me his gift he got me a wooden ohio cutting board am i from ohio yes do i own a home in ohio yes is it that sentimental i would want a decorative cutting board? No. And to this day, I don't really understand. And I think he was equally as ashamed of it as I was. Hi, Hannah-Andes, big fan of burner phone. I saw you, Hannah, when you came to Philly. Woo-woo! Um, so my dad's ex-girlfriend really loved jewelry. And one year, they uh got me a necklace with a big fat juicy beetle like it was enclosed obviously but it was like this dead beetle necklace and it was all like in all seriousness they weren't like joking or anything and she thought that i would like it for some reason so i just had to sit there and basically

You're like, thank you. And you can hear how fake my voice was. But yeah, really awkward, really weird gift. Hi, guys. American Girlie here who lives in Ireland and married to an Irish man. So I love your podcast because I hardly on both sides. So thank you very much. So worst gift I've ever gotten in eighth grade, my first boyfriend gave me a Valentine's Day gift,

which I thought was this adorable little bracelet he went and bought for me. And I walked around school all day showing everyone and bragging about the Valentine's Day gift I got to then find out when everyone was laughing at me and I didn't know why. It was because he told everyone that he actually just found it on the floor of the bus before it picked me up that day and gave it to me because he didn't have anything to give to me. So yeah, that's childhood trauma. Okay, thanks. Bye. Love you. Hi, Hannah, and does love the pod.

I am so excited for this prompt. I have the perfect story. In high school, I was dating this guy at the time for about two years. It was my birthday, and he told me he had made a gift for me, like homemade. So I was super excited thinking it was something really sentimental. After school, he brought the gift to my house, and we opened it. I opened it right in front of him. And this man was so excited just looking at me, like he was about to give me

the best thing in the world, but it was a t-shirt that he had made, and it said, blondes have more fun. I'm a brunette. I always have been, and I'm not sure why he made me that shirt. I guess he wanted me to go blonde. I have no idea. We broke up like two weeks later, and yeah, just like, what the hell? Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des. The worst gift I ever received. received was from a boyfriend years, years ago, an ex-boyfriend now. And I don't know where this man got this idea. I'm assuming I must have said at one point that I liked llamas. Or maybe we were freaking driving my llama farm and I was like, oh my God, look how cute the llamas are. Well, that turned into this man buying me a whole llama-themed Christmas present. I got llama socks, a llama blanket,

a llama mug, a llama magnet for my kitchen. Keep in mind, like, these aren't even good mama-themed gifts. Anyways, llamas are just fine, but I would never, I'm very careful about what I say now in front of boyfriends about what I like. Anyways, love you guys. Bye. Hi, Hannah and Des. So, the worst present I've ever gotten is from my best friend who is a notorious bad gift giver. So I think The one that sticks in my mind is the year that for Christmas she just got me like a large piece of paper with a picture of a tree on it. Like it's not even thick enough for me to call it a poster or anything. It's not like it came in a frame. It was just a large paper with a picture of a tree on it.

The tree is also not significant to anybody. Thanks. Bye. So when I was 22 years old, I got a pair of pliers. And I thought, what the fuck? Now I'm about to be 32, and I wish I had those pliers. Life comes at you fast. Oh, is it going? Oh, shit. So my ex-boyfriend bought me.

I love the Steelers. He wanted to buy me a jersey, I suppose. So he bought me one, but it was the fucking woman cut. I'm sorry, but who purchases that? Who purchases that? I'm sorry. It's shaped like a cartoon shirt. You know, it goes in at the wit and then flares out at the bottom.

Like, he knows me better than that. It was so disappointing. I cut it into a crop top. He was like, how could you do that? And I was like, well, how could you get me a woman's jersey? Everyone knows you get the man's size and you get it oversized. Hello? We broke up a few months later.

It was a morning sign for sure.