Berner Phone #66: Family Fights
00:00Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop.Thanks for calling the burner phone.If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast.What's up, my little dialers?Welcome back, everybody.So, Des and I have had a day.We're tired.Well, we're not, sorry.
00:28I don't want to start with a complete.plain. But there's been a lot going on in the last couple. I think we need to discuss the wholething. So our nieces and nephews. A niece and nephew. A niece and nephew. A little toddlerand a little baby have lived with us the last three days. And they are the joy and light of my life.Two and a half year old and a four and a half month old. I can't remember what life was like before.these two bright lights and I am exhausted yeah now I know that the parents are listening andnot those parents not the our listeners that our parents are like oh tough cookies I get itbut we're tourists to the incredible care and attention that is required to spend that much time
01:20with children and we're exhausted yes but then we were like okay we're driving back into thewe're back together also oh that yeah that's exciting hallelujah yes and we drove in the car togetherand we got caught in crazy traffic i made a huge me i let me just admit what happened for thefirst time ever no i i i ignored ways because ways a lot of times when it tells me to take a certainway and it kind of ends up being a little wrong, but I never ignore ways, but I ignored waystoday, and I paid a terrible price. When did you realize you made a mistake? I knew I, so for thosethat don't know, there was a very bad accident on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway today,and they shut it down. And I realized I made a mistake when I got into that irreversible situation.
02:20Cars were reversing out of that tunnel. Yeah, that was apocalyptic. That was apocalyptic. Cars werereversing out of the tunnel.That was crazy.Like literally, that's like, that was like,insane.What's the Cordyceps show?The Last of Us.Yeah, that was like the last of tomorrow.
02:34Yeah.So, anyway, two hours of our lives given over to being in,literally, you always love to say gridlock.Gridlock.This really was gridlock.So I always say we were in gridlock traffic and just like,I don't think you actually know what gridlock is.Well, the universe told us today, but I took
02:54a really nice nap. I was like me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. But we were also going to recordin the car, but I did not have a microphone for myself. So we're like, oh, it's okay. We'll behome soon anyway. Turns out we didn't get home soon. We didn't get home. So now we'refinally home. The clan is back together. That's a lot of admin that you guys didn't need toknow about. You didn't need to know any of that. But you know what? We like to sometimes just, youknow, take the curtain and move it a little so you can see behind the scenes of our lives. I feellike you now know a little bit more about what's involved if we decide to havechildren we're not going to have the children discussion but I feel like you know three
03:33days in your own home because it was in our house three days in our own house you knowwhere we were kind of like responsible how do you feel it's a level of tired I'venever felt before it wasn't even our kids you weren't breastfeeding yeah we couldhave let them like we didn't even have to watch them butbut you kind of do.They're also, there's so much, these are also two of the greatest kids ever.Great kids.Great kids.
04:01So two of the greatest kids ever have us exhausted.And we already know that our kids are going to be nightmarish, truly from the devil,coming out of my pussy.I do want to point out that your niece, Lois, had to wake you up every morning.You were the last person in bed every morning.Maybe that's why I'm so tired, because you guys woke up.I woke me up every morning when I want to sleep for three more hours.Yes, but I do want to point out to the listener that I never had Lois, I never allowed Lois to wake Hannah up before she had already had 11 hours of sleep.
04:3911 hours.Okay.I also want to point out that I was jetlight coming back from Ireland and I was up at 2 and 3 and 4.30 in the morning.Women need more sleep than men.I read it on Instagram.So it's a fact.And I know.I know. I'm sure all the moms and dads never say, well, get that sleeping now because if I have kids, you won't be getting that sleep.
04:58But I'm going to be the one that wakes up.Well, you're going to be up anyway because you wake up at 5 a.m. because you're a farmer.Yep.You're a descendant of farmers.Yep. Well, that's true. That's actually true.My grandfather, John O'Hare, was a farmer from the mountains of morn and cat a dine.And that was pre-pre-a-a-a-a-a-a-ta-ta-fammon?Hannah, we don't make famine jokes.
05:23on the pod and no it wasn't pre-potatina family that wasn't a joke that was just an historical question no it's a joke about my agethe 1840s speaking of family we were like what we like to do themes that have to do with what's going onin everyone's life and we know thanksgiving's coming up we know we just had an election we know thatthere's stuff going on and we thought what if we made ourselves feel better by hearing other people'sever family fights right I mean that wasn't really the motivation who somebodymade this suggestion actually I think my mom did yeah I think it was your mom welldone Lenore well done this is your mother's suggestion I do have to say my welllet's not give away any family secrets but let let's just say that our
06:13Thanksgiving is slightly been motivated by well our Thanksgiving started small and wefound out it's now expanded because Deslar'sWe're kind of a still a newly married couple, would you say?Yeah, well, you know, two and a half years.So this is the first time certain groups are coming together on Thanksgiving at our house.So it's a first ever.Yeah.So things can go wrong.
06:37We don't go awry.Anyway.We lost the plot.Yeah, we lost the plot.We're seven minutes in.We were all over the place.See, I love intros.Well, I'm brain dead, man.
06:47You know, I came back from Ireland to chaos.It's been absolute chaos.And I'm in the middle of the craziest tour.I love that burner phone is just us complaining.Yeah, man, that was the whole thing.Anyway.This is a helpline.So there's so many of these, man.
07:05Let's get into it.So this was basically, it was Thanksgiving fights,but really we opened it up to all family gatherings.And actually, it was a broad amount of occasions.But the, I got to be, these were dark, man.Like, these are dark.There's a lot of, like,let's go right in with a crazy one so the most chaotic family fight that happened at one of my family
07:29thanksgivings this was many years ago like probably i don't know 15 um my mom's cousin wasshe got pregnant with like her boyfriend's kid they weren't married and my papa who was likeolder very traditional called him the like unborn child a bastard child um at the thanksgiving dinner tableAnd, yeah, things were pretty uncomfortable after that.And she did not want to come back to Thanksgiving with the family.Bastard, you know.Yeah.At the old school.
08:04That's a throwback.The kid probably didn't even know what he meant.Well, the kid wasn't there.The kid was unborn.Oh.Yeah.Your unborn bastard child.You know?
08:16It's crazy.That's some Game of Thrones shit.Yeah, that's Game of Thrones.look I remember my grandparents when they first were weird about that my boyfriend was like sleeping overand then like my mom had to talk with them I was like that's what kids do these days likebecause my nan and papa got married at 18 probably because they wanted to have sex for the first timeso they thought it was weird that I was having boyfriends stay over that my parents were likeenabling and letting yes um literally no he was
08:49fingering my inner thigh nothing was happening but it's interesting the generational clashes thatwe're going to have yeah I there's a lot of situations in Ireland where you know you could likego away on a vacation with your girlfriend and like no issue but if you went on a vacation withtheir family couldn't stay in the same hotel room you know or in their house couldn't stay in the sameroom. Yeah. Like the not under my roof rule. Yeah. But it's like, who are you fooling, bro?I have the most random memory. I was at a boyfriend's house and for some reason we weren'tallowed to be in the same room. We were like early 20s. Your boyfriend's house? Yeah, and his parentswere there and like I was sleeping in a room. Maybe because we were still like pretending we were
09:42just friends. He was my roommate and to be like played tennis or whatever. Anyway, I was in my ownroom. And it was like 11 p.m. and the parents were out. They're coming back. And I just starthearing chaos, like absolute chaos. And I'm like, don't know if I should leave the room thatthey've put me in. Turns out some squirrel had rabies. It was like attacking the family. Oh my God.And I'm just in the bedroom. And I can just hear them being like, the squirrel has rabies. And I'm like,okay. So they were being attacked by a rabbit squirrel?And in the morning. Well, thank God you didn't share room.In the morning, I remember waking up and going downstairs, like, how are y'all doing?
10:23And they were like, oh, we had to go to the hospital and get tennis shots.Oh, my God.Thank God.But he had run out.I was trying to, like, protect his mom from the squirrel.And I was, like, playing dead in my room.They all lived to tell the tale.Yeah, well, that was a happy, that's a happy memory.
10:45All right, let's get into some gossip.Hey, Hannah and does.So this actually was not Thanksgiving.It was Mother's Day, but maybe a few years ago.I was probably 25 at the time, my sister 23.We were having a wonderful Mother's Day dinner with my mom and my dad,minding our own business, celebrating Mom on Mother's Day.When my dad thinks it's an appropriate time to interrupt dinner to tell me and my sister
11:14that he actually was married before my mom.and just never told us there was a whole damn wedding and, you know, they got divorced after he found out that she was a coke addict and owed some drug dealer some money.And, you know, every time we visited my grandparents, they hid the old wedding photos from his previous wife.So that was a great present for my mom on Mother's Day and interesting aftermath after that.Oh, I want to know the aftermath.Why are you teasing us?I wonder if the mom was like, yeah, tell them todayor if the dad was just feeling like he got the family together
11:56for a nice moment.I feel like it's the latter.Yeah.I would have liked to know the aftermath.This one tickled me pink because we found outafter my father died that he was married before, you know?It's funny because nowadays I feel like you can't get awaywith that stuff because of social media or just Google.
12:16Everyone has like their wedding website.Yeah, although it was definitely well before that.But the funny thing was that I had this like very wonderful but intense chat with my father.And right towards the end, and he was talking about regret and secrets and stuff.And I can't actually, it's funny.Now I can't remember what I assumed he was talking about.but I gave him this like rousing speech about like you know how great a father he was andthat he needed to like let all that go but I I really I can't remember what I thought it was
13:02about but I was telling him like in relation to what I thought it was about thinking thatI was giving him like this most amazing speech having no idea that actually what he was talkingabout was he was torn over whether he should tell us before he died that he was married beforeand divorced, which we never knew his entire lifetime. Did your mom know? Yeah, my mother knewfrom the get-go. But he, so he, my mother told me afterwards that he was like, you know,you think, you know, he really wanted to tell us. And she was like, yeah, tell him. And then he's like,no, no. And thenhe said to her, don't tell
13:43them. But this is mything. It's one thing to belike I have another family or likethere's another son or something.But before he met your momit's like, who cares?You know, I think for him,number one, I think he was ashamed
13:58that he had been like divorced.And two, I then thinkthat he was ashamed that he hadgone our whole lives without saying this.I mean, it is kind of weird. It's likeSo I got a couple of add-ons to this.So my mom told us, and we just thought it was hilarious.But then I was aware of her, though,
14:19because I knew that my father had had a girlfriend in London called Valerie.Because all my core cousins and uncles would tell me about Valerie.And, oh, he had a, you know, he had a girlfriend at the time.So anyway, it turns out that Valerie was a 10.terrible alcoholic, died from alcoholism, and my mother told us that she remembered her fathercalling New York, like whenever she died, to say, like, I just thought you should know thatValerie died. But then when I was doing the show about my dad, my dad was in James Bond,this journalist contacted me who had known my father and was telling me about fucking Valerie
15:05and how she was like, she only liked my dadbecause he was like a good-looking modeland she just wanted to be part of the sceneand he was like ripping her to shreds, this guy.Oh, my God.Yeah.And so, to a couple more add-ons,my dad, I knew that my father had had like a hairdresser's,
15:23you know, in the, you know, before he met.Yeah, before he met my mother.And, but it turned out that she wouldn't sign it,she wouldn't sign it over to,him unless he gave her divorce. I can't remember. Oh, she wouldn't sign the paper. Shewouldn't sign the divorce papers until he signed over the hair salon to her, which he wasn'thappy about. Because he was always pissed off when we're kids about that he let go of thislike good business, but we never knew why. But it turned out that she forced him to sign that
15:57over to sign the divorce papers. So then when my father goes for American citizenship, he realizesthat she procrastinated on signing the divorce paperslater than she said.And actually, my father was marriedbefore the divorce actually went through.So my father found out, like, close to, like, very late in the thingthat he, like, actually had a crossover.Polyamory.
16:27Marriage-wise, and he was worried that it would affect his getting American citizenship.But in the end, it was fine.The drama.Is that too much?No, that's great.Was that too long?No, that was really good.It's also funny to think, like, no matter what you're lying about, big or small, there becomes
16:42a moment where it's too late, and it gets just, like, too awkward to tell the truth.Yeah, but we knew about her, too, which is weird, you know?And then I had another, my dad's friend, Dudley Sutton, who was an actor, he was in, like,what a great name.Great British sitcom called Lovejoy.He was, like, pretty successful, like, Dudley Sutton.He would show up in some stuff.and I stayed with him one time in Chelsea
17:04and he never said likeoh you know your father's first wifeI wonder how much your dadtold other people not to tell you guysyeah I mean it must have ate themunnecessary tooso unnecessary the fact that you guys laughedis so stupid like
17:19I mean and he had so many other wacky thingI'm sorry I feel like I would be mad if likethere was a whole family that I could have beenyeah like a brotheroh God bless you excuse mefriends with and they like didn't tell me about it because they thought I might be upset or somethingwhen it's like the more the merrier. I love family drama. There's so much of it here. So with bigwireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first
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23:20thanks to Honeylove.Let's get a political one.We can't hide from the fact that most of these were political.Okay, so this is technically during Christmas on Thanksgiving, but the same thing.So this was circa 2019, okay?And my grandpa and great uncle got into a fight about politics, which all started fromtheir argument about if Robert De Niro is a good actor.and Robert Schneider is a Democrat.
23:52So, of course, my grandpa being, unfortunately, a Trump supporter, said that he's, you know, not a good actor, doesn't like any of his movies, won't watch any of his movies.My great uncle was like, Breaking Bull is the best movie to ever exist, blah, blah, blah.So just got into a whole thing about politics, which ended with a gigantic, fuck you, yelling.and they had to be separated onto the porchlike children.So, yeah, that was pretty eventful.Oh, my God.First of all,
24:26Raging Bull is one of the best movies of all time.It is funny.Movies really are a big topic of conversationwhen the family's together,at least my family.We'll be sitting.We'll be like,so anyone see a good movie lately?
24:38Like, besides the weather,it's pretty much the best thing you could talk about.But look, Raging Bull,that's not even an argument.Not like we're taking sides, but...I mean, there's a lot.There's a lot of that's going on here.Wait, so great-uncle and grandpa, is that their brothers?
24:57Great-uncle, yeah, I guess they were brothers, yeah.Yeah.The Trump's-up's always complicated, you know, because people are very passionate.Luckily, I've managed to navigate all my relationships with the, you know,the people who I don't agree with politically.but that is largely by not discussing it.And that has become more important in the Trump erabecause the debates tend to get heated.
25:30There's less civil discourse these days politically.So I think the only way to deal with thatis to not talk about it.Yeah, you have a no politics policy around certain people.Well, we had one with my cousin,who is he'sI'm not going to say anything about his trumpnessbut he's hard on the conspiracy theories
25:53hard and I just have ano like we're not getting intobecause me we're never I get on great with himone of my closest cousinswe have had incredible ski tripsand great sports and you know justgreat relationship but weabsolutely do not agree on that stuff
26:14and I have no interest in listening to his debates on that stuff.And his algorithm?You know, yeah, so I'm just very happy.Let's just not talk about it.I do have to say I, with my family, it's not to say boring, but we all...Everybody agrees.Agree on most things.Yeah, somebody needs to come out.
26:39It's like you have a gay uncle, but you need to somebody to come out as a Trump supporter.Yeah, that would, that would be like, that would be, that would be a moment, you know.But anyway, I think that the other part of this, which is interesting, is separating the art from the artist.Ooh, yes.Or from the hero.I do have to say, I don't think anyone this Thanksgiving is going to be like,P. Diddy's music was spectacular and I'm going to keep playing it.That's the one good thing about P. Diddy.
27:16Yeah, P. Diddy, nobody cares.R. Kelly, there was one or two songs that we were like, damn, that was...Yeah, and Michael Jackson.I believe I can fly. Are you fucking kidding me?That inspired my whole childhood.Yes.And, you know...Michael Jackson, people play it all, him all the time.
27:31Like, it hasn't been canceled.But, you know, like, I don't agree with Brandon Nimmo politically, but it does not affect myadmiration.Like, he's one of my favorite players.And to be honest, since you met him and you interviewed him and we met him that day,one of my favorite guy, like, just awesome in every way.The fact that him and I don't agree politically doesn't affect me.So that's the whole thing is like, it shouldn't, like, I don't like either side of the political divide.
28:03It's okay to be disappointed in like an actor that you're surprised of the take that they have.But I don't think it's fair to suddenly try to suggest that they're not good at the same.their craft because you don't agree with them politically. Like, I don't agree with James Woodspolitically, right? He's not really that relevant in acting at the moment, but he, he, he was insome, some cracking movies back in the day. You know, did some great performances. I'm notgoing to say, oh, I'm never watching one of his, you know, he played Bill W. You know, like,I'm not going to. I think it depends on the extent of like what's, like, like, Mel Gibson, ifyour role was to be the like
28:46likablekind of guy and then you come out asunlikable sometimes it's harder to watchthat stuff will happen or if you feellike a certain person's political viewsis coming for your specificlike if they're against gay marriage and likeyou're gay then I feel like it becomes
29:05harder and harder to not when it'sa personal thing it's harderno it's harder to watch 100%but to suggest but I'm sayingharder tonot be like Ifucking hate that guy.Yeah, but that's the whole thing
29:19you can say I hate that guy, but you can't say he's a badactor, which is they're trying to say Rob De Niro'sa bad actor. No. Get out.No. For the record, De Niro didactually say around that time, Iwant to punch Donald Trump in the face.Just to give a context of probably whythis was a little heated. There was a lot of
29:35violent rhetoric. I watchedDe Niro recently in this thing called The Internor he plays a sweet older manwho is born.and wants to just have a joband it was really cute with Anne Hathaway.I have to be honest, like,the last 20 years I'm not over the moon
29:51with a lot of De Niro's choices.But that's like,like trying to say he's a bad actor,is ridiculous.You know, he's an amazing actorthat probably started to focus moreon property developmentin the last two decades, you know?
30:08Investments?Well, he's, I mean, half of Tribeca,I believe.He owns?He owns a lot of it.Oh, wow.I mean, he's part of the,he's part of the Tribeca revitalization.
30:19Anyway,is,is this,is this podcast getting boring?No.No, I just,I just get paranoid.No.
30:26All right,let's shake and bake.But Raging Bull is actually in my top five.I know it's very male.Can you say the other moviesyou were saying in the car that,Oh,you were,
30:37you were just,no,it wasn't a,that was specific to,we were talking about,like great momentsin like being in the movies.Yeah. Like leaving the movies
30:48and being like my life has forever changed.Well I said I remember Pope Fiction andTrainspotting, which were both a similar year.Those two were huge for me.You liked the last samurai.The last samurai?No.What's the one with...
31:04Crouchy Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Different country.Different country, different martial art.Wait, who started?The last Samurai.I remember I was Tom Cruz.I thought the whole time you were talking about a Tom Cruise movie.Oh my God.And I was like, okay.
31:18Oh my God.I was actually filing for divorce.Talking about Michelle Yo.Yes.Yeah.Yeah.And then you also talked about Up.You loved Up.
31:28Well, I mentioned Up because you immediately went to cartoons.Well, my, I was fortunate to be in the Disney time, which I think America's never beenso together at that point when, you know, Moulon.andSleeping BeautySleeping Beauty wasdecades beforewasn't it?
31:52Yeah, Beauty and the BeastWell, they knew or they're old, though?Aladdin.Aladdin.Toy Story 3.Yeah, that was Pixar.That was Pixar, though.Shrek.
32:07Yeah, Shrek.Are you kidding?Who made Shrek?Dreamworks.Dreamworks.Yes. But yeah, so I mentioned Up because we were talking about that. You started talking about cartoons. And I said that the beginning of Up is, I think actually the best movie on grief is the beginning of Up. If you don't understand loss after watching the beginning of Up, then you will never understand loss. Incredible. But anyway, we're not going to, we're not a movie podcast. We just happen to be talking about that on our.four-hour journey that was meant to be an hour and a half.We like restraining order for sister as a headline.
32:49Yeah.Hey guys, so I love the pod.My story goes back two years ago on Christmas Eve.My sister and I were having problems all throughout the night,and nothing was really getting resolved.And by the time we got home, things were pretty heated.She tries to, you know, start another five,but I decided to not even engage in anything.
33:12just because she was really drunk.So I proceed to go to my room and she tells me to square up.By the time I turn around, she is already coming full force towards me and punches me straight in the face.We eventually, you know, roll on the ground and start fighting each other.The fight was eventually broken up by my brothers.And then the cops were called.I go to the emergency room.x-rays were taken
33:42and I ended up breaking my notessofast forwardI ended up getting a restraining order against herthere you gowowthat is some sister shit like on the next levelbecause when you're just you and your brother
33:59like I meanI hope it's not happening out therebut I feel like there's less physical violencebut if it's two brothers or two sistersI feel like it's game onyou're like fight me bitchthat's crazy manI mean
34:13we've never come to blows myselfbut we've been closeyou've never come to blowswith your brothersnot an adulthoodyeahnot an adulthoodyeah
34:22but we've definitelywe've been closehas anyone broken a bonein an altercationwhat likeagainst somebody elseyeahno eight you know
34:35noI was nearly gonnaI've known brothers who have, like, broken bones punching each other and stuff.No, but we, I'm just telling you that we haven't.Yeah, no, that's, you guys are zen as fuck.Actually, one time at a family party,uh, we, one of us nearly came to blows with it, with an in-law, cousin.In-law, though, not a blood relation.
35:02Oh.Do you know what the argument was?What?He was trying to say that America didn't lose the war in Vietnam.like whatsee that's what's entertaining to meis what the actual fights are aboutlike what started
35:17because family stuffcan be so deepthat if you just like walk in the roomand you hear what they're fighting aboutyou're like there's no waythey're about to punch each other over Robert De Nirobut like that's how I felt aboutlike reality TV
35:33because you'll see people get so madand you're like there's no waythey could freak out over thisbut you don't know all the other stuffthat's been going on, they got people there.Yeah, but the booze, honestly, like, a lot of it has to do with the booze, man.Like, booze just makes things escalate.But some of these people have, like, low-key, been annoyed at these people for, like, decades,
35:51and they're sitting there with their, you know, eggnog, and they're like, fuck you.Yeah, it all comes out.It all comes out.But luckily, you know.Actually, our most drama we had was when there was a fire in the house.Oh, yeah.That was that lastI don't know
36:11It was three Christmases agoI think threeI think soIt's one of our first onesYeah someone messed upWith the fireplaceYeah we had a fireWe had to call the fire department
36:19There was a full fireBut it wasn'tIt wasn't becausePeople were likeNoTrying to light each other on fireWe had aA pyromaniac
36:28Is that the word pyromaniacYeah we had a full fireLike a real fireAnd I remember being likeSave MuffyWhere's MuffyYou know I was likecalling my
36:37New York City fireman friend, and he was like, I told them the temperature.I was like, oh, yeah, they, they hit the laser gun, and it was like, whatever the temper.He was like, oh, shit, you got, those guys can't leave the house until that's down to 200, whatever,you know, he was New York firemaning out on me.All right.The holiday season is coming up, and I have the perfect suggestion for a gift, not just for others,but for yourself.Hannah and I love Bowling Branch Sheets.
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38:35because I'm talking to people, I'm hanging out with Paige. If Paige thinks I smell bad,that is not good. That'll put her in a mood. She'll be disappointed in me. And that's whyone thing I can control is my deodorant. I love Loomie's whole body deodorant for my pits,underboops, thigh folds, belly button, butt crack, vulva, literally anywhere. And I trust itbecause it's created by an OBGYN who saw firsthand how normal B.O was misdiagnosed and mistreated.Why are we just using it for our underarms? I sweat everywhere, not to brag. They have a soliddeodorant. They also have a sweat-controlled deodorant, which I use a lot because I'm a sweater,and when I wear certain outfits, I need to use the sweat-controlled deodorant to make sure that
39:18I don't ruin my outfit with a huge sweat stain. They also have spray deodorant. Des loves the spraydeodorant and it's aluminum-free and good for hard-to-reach places. It's pH balance, so safe below thewaste, and all products are baking soda-free and paraben-free. I'm obsessed with their toasted coconutflavor, but they also have clean tangerine and lavender sage that reminds me of a spa. Lumi's starter packis perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant,two free products of your choice, like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping.As a special offer for listeners, all customers get 15% off all Lumi products with ourexclusive code. That's right. Not just new customers, returning customers as well. And if you combine
39:59the 15% off with your already discounted starter pack, that equals 40% off their starter pack. Use codeB-E-R-N for 15% off your first purchase at Lumie Deodorant.com. Ooh, I just drank a lot of coffee.Can you tell? That's code B-E-R-N at L-U-M-E-D-O-D-O-R-A-N-T.com. Please support our show and tellwe've sent you. Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head-to-to-to-o with Loomi.Okay, I'm obsessed with skims.The only bra I wear is their scoop braulette.It's so comfortable.It doesn't push down your boobs like a sports bra,
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40:50I love wearing their full cover.bridge underwear because you guys know I love granny panties, but it's stretchy and literally givesno panty line. So I could wear it with my yoga pants. I wear it to yoga. I do. The fitseverybody's scoop braulette is my favorite. And it comes in many colors and even some funpatterns for the holidays. So definitely check that one out. That's my number one. The fits everyonecollection is available in sizes extra, extra small to 4x. You can shop now at skims.com. And after youplace the order, be sure to let them know we sent you, select podcasts and the survey. Be sure to selecttheir show in the drop-down menu that follows.
41:24And if you're looking for the perfect gifts for the whole family,Skims just launched their biggest holiday shop ever,also available at skims.com.With all the holiday parties and get-togethers coming up,I want to make sure my partner looks and feels his best.Jack Black's grooming sets are the perfect way to keep my guy freshand ready for the festive fun.This pod is sponsored by Jack Black.
41:45Jack Black offers a full line of men's products for every need,from cleansing to moisturizing to beard care.I feel like sometimes Des doesn't trustmy cleansers. So Jack Black is for the boys. And just in time for the holidays, Jack Black'sgifting sets are available so the guy in your life can be well groomed for the holidays. I do have tosay yet, Des doesn't like my like lavender, fruity or like vanilla smelling stuff. He prefers noodor. And he just wants good products. As soon as I saw the new Jack Black gift sets, I had to getit for Des to try them out. They smell amazing and they're number one men's body care brand for a reason,
42:20according to Sir Kana.I love their energizing cleansers and their body wash trio is so good.Des likes the Marine Accord and Amber Big Sur, Body and Hair Cleenser.Oh, I'm so jealous of men.They can use the same thing for their hair and body.I also got my dad a bunch of lip bombs because he's always losing his lip bombs and it'sSPF 25 because somehow like he gets burns on his lips.I don't even know the details.
42:47I'm not getting involved in it.But I did get him a daily facial.cleanser and facial moisturizers. They also look aesthetically so cool and just, and not like forlike a teenage boy, like for a man. They're mature and honestly dapper. This holiday season, if you wantsimple effective products that your significant other will love, you need Jack Black. Head to jackblack.comslash burn and use the code BERN for 10% off your order. Once again, that's getjackblack.combackslash burn for 10% off and make sure use my promo code burn so they know I sent you.Hannah and Des, so the worst family fight that I've witnessed in recent memory did not happen on
43:26Thanksgiving, but it did happen on my mom's birthday a year ago. I have two older brothersand both of their wives were trying to get pregnant at the same time. And one announced thathis wife was like two weeks pregnant at the dinner table on my mom's birthday. And the otherbrother's first reaction was to say you're fucking stupid for saying that out loud and the reason hesaid that is because his wife had miscarried recently so both brothers just had beautiful healthy babieswhich is awesome but that turned into a very awkward family dinner it's complicated right becauseyou have the uh you're not supposed to say until three months right right butat the end of the day that's to protect you
44:19you knowbut being aware thatI don't know if they were aware that somebody hadmiscarriage recently or notbut like yeah it's likeyou're fucking stupid for saying it out loudand you know it's a potential for miscarriageis so high also two weeks
44:34she must have just found out like that morningso she she couldn't betwo weeks pregnant she had to belike four weeks pregnant rightwho and I don't knowthe girl math on thatI do know that I did the podcast Hot Takeswhere there's this Reddit thing
44:53where it's Am I the Assholeand people like talk about a lot of family dramaand they talk about howsomeone's wedding daythe sister announced that she was pregnanton the wedding day.Oh that that's unacceptable.But how like yeah the bride was like
45:10that's your fuck you like we're donebut how the family was like taking the sister's sideand, like, who was actually the asshole of that situation.It got, like, really convoluted.But, um...Wait a minute.That's a great prompt.Why don't we do that?
45:25Am I the asshole?Yeah.Yeah, we'll do it next time.I like that.I like that a lot.No, it's so good.Yeah, it's like this, she has, Morgan Apscher has this incredible whole podcast justbased of reading, Am I the asshole?
45:39Oh, she, she does the podcast off of the Reddit thread?Yes, and she just reads it and all of her friends give opinions.I've been on it like three times.I didn't realize somebody has a pot.I'm not looking to take somebody's pocket.She reads what people put in this Reddit thread,but I think it'll be funny to get the little dialersto do, am I the asshole for situations that you're not sure.
45:58Can I just say I have a friend who actually listens to this podand they didn't end up getting married.So I don't think anybody to get upset that I'm mentioning this.But he fucking proposed at my brother's rehearsal dinner.That's wild.Yeah.That's insane.That's wild behavior.
46:16That's wild behavior.Wait, how did your brother respond?It was fine.Because my brother had a destination wedding.So it was a quick picture-ish.But it was still his wedding.Well, it was the day before.Wow.
46:30At the time, I didn't think much of it,but then after the fact that people were talking about it,oh, shit.I know.Anyway, you know who you are.I feel like me and you, our lives are so much.Like, we demand attention every single day.But do you think of these people who it's like,
46:45the one time the day's about them and they get to be a star of their wedding dayfor someone to take the attention is like fucked up i think so but you know i at the time ididn't think much of it but i and there definitely wasn't any fault nobody really cared youyeah but i guess you know i guess that's crazy i guess sometimes though people are like ohthe family's all together for this event i might as well get two birds with one stone and tellthem something, but it couldhurt someone's feelings. I mean, I definitelycould do a whole podcast series on
47:20myAm I the asshole moment?Just you? You know, it's likethe ball was probablyout, but Icould have just let it go.But instead, you know,the police ended up on the
47:36beach.Even though I was right, the ballwas out.It didn't need to get to the point where the police,we're on the beach. By the way, that never happened, by the way. That's hyperbole.I do want us do stupid sports fights because...It's so unnecessary.There's crazy stuff happening in pickleball. Like, I'll have clips.
47:55Oh, these clips are crazy.These fucking...You see the one with the guy kicked the guy in the head?Yeah, the steroid pickleballers have lost their damn mind.I saw one the other day with the guy kicked the guy in the head.How do you even kick someone in the head?And then we saw the other one with a woman through her racket at the guy.That was tennis, actually. That wasn't pickleball.
48:12My favorite was when me and you went to...watch some support some friends play tennis who are you know it's it's a pretty it's a very veryfriendly chill game yeah and the second we got there it was just yelling and it was over the scoreit was yelling it was like they're starting off bro and they were we were watching but like it was sochill like i wasn't keeping score like i didn't care who was winning and then they start lookingat us like we're the scorekeepers yeah like we were like we weren't keeping score and all of themare disagreeing they finally we decide something and then likeTen minutes later, one of us, me or you made a joke, and then it got revved up again.
48:49That's right.Well, I recently had a moment with one of my friends' kids.We were playing paddle.I mean, I can't really move, but I was playing paddle in Spain.And there was a score discrepancy.And I turned to my godchild.and I was like trying to correct the score to himwhich wasn't in our favor
49:18so actually likethey had said the score wrongto our benefitand he was likeno no no shh don't say anythingand I was like wowhow did I raise youbut I'm not going to lie
49:36I actually didn't say anythingdid you guys win the gamewe actuallyit was part ofof a momentous comeback.Wow, so karma is not real.But you know what, though?I can't move, so I didn't feel bad about it.
49:49Yeah.Honestly, I was impressed with his connivance, to be honest.You know?I was like, I like the...Sneakiness?Yeah, the sneakiness.You know, because it's not an important age.So anyway, that will be a good prompt.
50:08Well, obviously, my brain is just full of...insanely unnecessary sport agro that I've had.Do you remember when you and Steve were playing golfand those people were sitting on the golf course?Oh, you weren't there for that.No, but you called me.Yeah, but they were wrong.I know, they were the assholes.
50:26No, they were definitely, I don't have time to,it's on a podcast somewhere.I don't have time to get into that.I feel like I'm doing all the talking on this episode.Well, no, I'm tired, so I really, I like that you're talking.Okay, so, uh,the quick version of that is that we were playing there's a very like small but freepitch and put course on the meadows in edinburgh and uh pitch and put it's tiny like we're talking
50:55like we're talking 30 yard shots too okay yeah so it's a small golf course yeah but it's likeit's public like anybody can play there's no there's no starter you just if you have clubsyou just start playing there's 18 tiny holes and it's the cutest little littleamazing public thing in Edinburghand it's such a cool cityand these twoEnglish peoplewere young too
51:23like in their early 20sjust sitting like in the way of one of the holesand we were like, yo can you moveyou know like and we weren't even being likeaggressive but I got this like dumb accentandthey wouldn't moveyou know what were they doing like picnicking?
51:40Just sitting there.they wouldn't move and so then oh so there's no quick version they were like it's a public park it's all right to be here it's a public park right and uh then you know they were wrong right like you don't have the right to sit on that if you actually you read the bylaws of the ed the meadows you can't if you're not playing you're not supposed to be on that but at one stagethe guy made like an anti-American comment and I can't remember what it was do you remember what it washe called you an expat no he didn't say expat he he said something about me like you're a dumbAmerican he's I can't remember but he said something and that was actually the moment we had the girl thatwas with him was like whoa that went too far and I absolutely lost it at that moment I think you saidlike go back to your country or something so it was something insane and you know I was likeIt didn't matter anyway, but the fact that he had an English accent didn't help.
52:46Did he, um, did he leave?They left.The vibe changed.Let's just say it got real queens real fast.And me and Steve both had golf clubs in our hand.So let's just say it got real queens real fast.And they're little, you know, they're there for the Edinburgh.By the way, I don't condone violence, but like this, this was beyond.
53:10But, you know, I feel this is, this is time wasting here.We're running out the clock here.This is too much.It's not enough context.So, okay, let's get a couple more.Jesus, Christmas.Oh, yeah, I love this.I love this.
53:26Hi, Hannah and Des, love your podcast.So the worst family fight I witnessed was, I'm pretty sure it was Thanksgiving dinner,but it could have been Christmas.So we went to my grandparents' house on my mom's side,And for context, none of us are super religious.Like, some of us believe in God, celebrate, like, Christmas and whatever.And some of us don't would consider themselves atheists.So my grandma considers herself a Christian.
53:55Her husband, my granddad, considered himself an atheist.My sister decides at dinner, she wants to say grace.So everyone, you know, holds hands.And then my granddad just yells, you can't do that.shit in my house under my roof so everyone gets silent my sister runs outside my parents follow mydad was pissed um they all left and i ended up having to stay because i live there so awkward that's itlove that that's a classic you couldn't you couldn't script that because my grandpa was atheistbut he was oh he he he never caused issues yeah but he definitely made comments i feel like
54:37yeah and i i you know i was veryvery religious, not religious these days.Got no problem with religious people.But I have to say, like, when people bust out the grace in my modern life, it can be awkward.Well, yeah, because you don't really know what to do, and you close your eyes,but then you're also, like, you're holding hands, someone's sweaty-ass hand next to you.Yeah.And then you feel weird, like, am I, like, talking to God right now?
55:08Does God want me to be involved in this?yeah so um so i i mean personally i i love the grumpy grandpa just being like no not in my houseit's complicated because so you know the old adage was no religion no politics at dinner rightyeah so the religion didn't come up that much but the majority were politics obviouslybut religion is the other big one you know and that's first dates too no religion no politicsand in ireland it was also and no north don't talk about the thingWhat I was saying grace, though, is I think you can say it in a way that, like, everyone is happy.Yeah, let's be grateful.
55:46Yeah, let's be grateful and thankful for this beautiful evening, whatever.But then sometimes people would be like, we're here to thank our God or whatever.And then it's like, okay.Did you, we had a grace that we said.We never had a grace.Yeah, so this was like the standard Queen's Catholic grace.What was it?It was bless us, O Lord, and these like gifts which we are about to receive, I think through Christ,
56:10our Lord amen or there's probably a missing sentence there but it was something like thatdid you have to do it before you ate always I don't think I don't think we saidgrace all the time but we said grace sometimes for sure like before you ate ituncrustable uncrustable what before you had a Pop-Tart oh yeah no thisI think sometimes we said grace but it wasn't uh wasn't the the norm in our houseyeah but we do you know let's look like I can see about two yeah okayI'm losing my prayers.I'm like, God, I can't even, I bet you I couldn't even bust out a nice and creed.
56:46I don't really agree with the no politics, no religion on a first date.I'm like, first, let's stop pretending that we're compatible on the first day.I don't have time.Like, it's like the Seinfeld bit, which people aren't talking about.There's this amazing scene in Seinfeld where Elaine meets this perfect guy.And also, I haven't seen this episode in years, so I could be saying it wrong.But he's perfect.she's bragging everyone about how perfect he is and finally jerry goes what's his view on abortion
57:16and she's like oh no and she meets with him she says something like about abortion he was likeno i don't believe in that stuff but she was like no but it's so funny that now in this day and agethat was decades ago that it's something we're dealing with we're listening to somebodytelling a story about howthey were like on a first date and somebody saiddo you believe in God and they said no and then they were like ohthat must be so sad for youwas that? I think that was something that happened to you on a
57:48first date. No no this came up in the last couple of daysduring a conversation. Oh no firstI've been joking about how first dateslike getting a fight likein New York. Like first datedo you believe in God?Yeah. Really? Yeah first I thinkall my hand on the street questions are things
58:04I'd ask guys on a first date you knowwhat's a shape of a clitorislet's goyeah but yeah but that's that'sthat's a fine first datequestionyou don't ask on hand on the streetyou don't say do you believe in God
58:17no I say what's the definition of feminismno I oh but these are all goodfirst day question likeyeah well you know but likedo you believe in God I think it's a great first day questionno I know but religionyou're youam I going to hell or not
58:29no but what I'm saying is thatreligion isn't a good first day topicI think it isI think you can becompatible with somebody with different religious beliefs actually. I think an atheist and aChristian can have a very happy relationship. I think they could. But yeah, me and you, you havemore tolerance of other people than I do. I'm more tolerant of religious people, are you saying?Religion and politics. Oh, right. I just feel like I'd want the person who's with me to have a similar
59:04view on life.I understand.I understand.I feel more connectedwith people who have.But I also,it does make medislike people
59:12who are different.You're just talking aboutlover.Yeah, I'm talking aboutif you're my life partner.I love, I have a lot of,if you want to be my lover,I have a lot of,
59:21get with my creed.Sorry, it's a songby the Spice Girls.You got to get with my friend.I know, I amended it.I have a lot ofreally religious friends.Shout out Haley.
59:33And I love her.to death, and she keeps me grounded.Yeah, so there you go.But what if I told youin the end that? Anyway, it doesn't matter.We're not getting into that.We're not getting into that.We don't get religious on this spot.
59:45We don't get religious.We don't get religious or political.All right, this is, uh, this is for you.Hi, guys. Love this prompt made for mebecause I am the one.I'm never the witness.I am the one causing the drama on family holidays,especially Thanksgiving, because I come from a
01:00:04very traditional household where, you know, the women are cooking. And that's fine because I love tocook. I love it. But it's like the expectation of it. So, you know, by the time I've had a fewdrinks in me throughout the day, the entire time I'm spending making the meal, which by the way,are the boys helping? No, they're not. I'm usually pretty pissed off. And it's always directedat my father. And last year, we don't cuss much in my household. And last year, I was just drunk enoughthat when no one was helping clean upand they looked at my mom to do itI started getting pissed
01:00:41and my dad's laughing at meand I looked at him in the eyeand I said is something fucking funnyand you better betthe dinner table went silentshe ran outno but I...But that very much is a...
01:00:56It's very, that is one of the biggerthe easiest ways to fight isthere's either moms who are likethis, we love it, this is what we door the moms, the women who were like,this isn't the fucking 1920s.Yeah.The men can help clean up if we cooked or the men could cook.
01:01:14That's why I don't cook or clean.It's an act of feminism.It's an act of feminism.It is.Really?It's not because you're lazy.It's an act of resistance.It's an act of resistance.
01:01:25Good for you.It is funny, the cursing thing.But here's the problem.The men aren't picking up the slack for you.Your mom is.That's really.It's hurting women more.It's hurting women more. It's hurting women more.
01:01:40Like, oh, she loves it.It de-stresses her.I love that she's like, I'm the problem.It's me.And I also think it's funny how some families, like, don't curse.But then, like, you love the F-bomb.Well, that's the Irish are just,I should lose with the F-bombs.
01:01:58Yeah, because some places would be like,oh, my God, this is inappropriate.I have trouble in family gathering.after I've been on the road for a long timeand I'm doing so much crowd workand then you're talking to like your auntand you just like have to have a normal conversationand you like can't help but like say
01:02:14the like weirdest thingthat's coming to your brain.Sometimes when I'm doing like a lot of crowd workI'm like in that mindset.Really?I have a problem with family gatheringswhen after we eat I just want to go to bed.True.
01:02:31So can I jump out of the topic hereto finish because we got a random one and I was like it was it's not to do with thetopic but I like this topic and it's something I'm passionate about okay so I was justtalking with my sister hot take maybe men should not be shaving you know what I'mtalking aboutup, get a haircut down there. We're not shaving. I don't want to have to be in a competitionwith you, and that's just it. That's that simple. I don't want to feel like I am more prickly than you.Don't shave. I'm with this girl, too. When men shave their chest, and let's be honest,
01:03:25they're not shaving all the time, and if they are, they're not straight, it's prickly on theirchest and I just want to put my head on your chest. Also, it doesn't need to be shiny like a babydolphin. Yeah, I mean, she's really talking about the pubes, though. I know. Well, the pubs, that'sinsane. But that's the norm now. Guys shaving it? Yeah. I have to ask my friends, because I've beenout of the game. No, because sometimes when I'm doing crowd work, coincidentally enough, and like,I'll, because especially now, I have this, I have this bit about hitting puberty late. So,recently I've been, like, asking, like, younger guys in the front row. When I say younger, I mean,guys in their 20s.
01:04:03And I say to you shave yourpews and it's 100% unanimousand then they're like, I was likeyou know that we used to not shave our pubsand they're like, really?Like, it's likethe norm for them.I have to ask Paige what's going on.
01:04:17No, it's a fact. I'm telling you.I'm letting you know. You don't need to ask Paige.I don'teven remember what other guys' peepieslooked like.It hasn't been that long.It's been a long time.Hannah's got early on.
01:04:30at Alzheimer's. She's got cock Alzheimer's. I go, I don't remember what an uncircumcised dicklooks like. That's what I told me. You don't remember what a naked head looks like. No, and Idon't miss it. Oh, that's nice. All to you, a penis is always in a turtleneck, like an intellectualpoet. Yes, and he's warm and cozy. All right, well, listen, you know, we didn't get through thatmany but they're all kind ofthere's a lot of violencedo you want to add some at the end or nowe'll throw up we'll throw up some at the end
01:05:08because there was a lotyou guys good luckthank you for your familiesthank you for staying with us through thisvery tired and distractedepisode of burner phonewe love you guys so muchthanks for calling well actually
01:05:22can we do a little promosso I'm inVancouver and Seattlein a week and a halfand then really importantI'm doing Bostonbut in the weekendin between Christmas and New Year's
01:05:39it was kind of a unique weekso I'll be in Bostonbecause I'm always getting people sayingwhen are you doing Boston I'm thereand then I'm in MinneapolisCharlotte Greenvilleand then I headto Ireland for the second half
01:05:53of my Irish tourso keep those in mindHannah still has her giggly showsShe's got some new material shows.And, yeah, just to keep on supporting Burnerphone.Thank you so much for everything.We wish the best to the people that were injured today on the Koskeesco Bridge.And I'm sorry for complaining about the traffic
01:06:18because actually it was quite a serious event there.So we wish them the best wherever they are.Hope the rest of you have a wonderful evening.Thank you for listening to Burner Phone.Good night.Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Longtime Giggler, love the podcast. So the worst Thanksgivingfight story that I know is not my own. It is a friend of mine and it's a little dark, but they were having Thanksgiving ather grandma's house and her grandma had like a small under 20 pound dog and her sister was like
01:07:07oh I want to bring my dog and like brought her dog and it was like a larger mixed breed dogand I guess in the middle of Thanksgiving they heard the dogs like barking and all of a suddenthey heard a cry and basically the dog the bigger dog killed the small dog like in the middleof Thanksgiving I guess um so that's pretty dark and definitely I thinkthe worst Thanksgiving fight I have heard. Um, and I want to say the only reason I'm sayingthis so nonchalantly is I am a vet tech. So I see this stuff a lot. Sorry if that was traumatizing.Bye. Love you. Okay. So picture at South Carolina, Thanksgiving 2002. My whole family,we're all sitting at the table. The other person that's there is my step sister. That's really
01:07:52important to note. Um, next thing we know, we're all looking at the Black Friday sales as we did everysingle year. My aunt sees a luggage set and she looks at my grandparents and she's like, I got to havethis luggage set. I'm going on vacation and I really need it and I want it for Christmas.My mom is like, fuck no, I want the luggage set and she's not getting it. I want it. They are alwaysin competition, always extremely jealous. Next thing I know, I'm sitting there eating my mashed potatoes,mind of my fucking business. My mom literally launches herself across the table. They start beating theseshit out of each other. They are rolling around on the floor and I'm just sitting there againeating my mashed potatoes, reading the fucking sales. Next thing I know the cops are at the door,
01:08:35the cops are in the house, taking statements. I'm still eating the mashed potatoes. Mystep-sister was never allowed at the house again. My mom and my aunt no longer speak.One year, my grandmother literally faked a heart attack so everyone would stop fighting.like i can't even get into the family drama of the fighting problems but my grandmother literallyclenched her like heart slash chest and fell to the ground and everyone started freaking out andonce i don't know you guys i also love you hannah you're my number one hi hannah hi des um this is coming fromsomeone who has a very alcohol-fueled family and has had their fair share of Thanksgiving fights.But the best one was when my Nana was smashed. She told my mom, her daughter, that she never
01:09:38wanted kids and she regrets having them. And that created a cascade of screaming, yelling,fighting, crying tears, and no one remembered anything the next day, which was the best part becauseeveryone was blackout. Yeah, that was a fun one. Love you guys. Bye.So one year after Thanksgiving dinner, my brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend, and I decidedwe were going to play Monopoly. So we all put money down. There's $80 in the pot. We get tothe end of the game and my brother is in jail. He had all these properties and we were playing by therule that if you're in jail, nobody has to pay on your properties. So I land on one of hisproperties. If he would have been out of jail, I would have gone bankrupt. And so I didn't have to
01:10:27pay. And he gets all pissed. And he starts screaming. He's like, you're cheating. And then hisgirlfriend's eyes with me. And he starts saying, you guys are conspiring against me. He's flippingout. He knocks the board. Like, he knocks it off the table. He's like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you guys.and then he takes his girlfriend outside is screaming at her and then almost breaks up with herbecause she sided with me and it was pretty traumatic and now I hate playing my mom.
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