Berner Phone - Berner Phone #66: Family Fights

Episode Date: November 24, 2024

'Tis the season for the biggest family fights of the year. Hopefully these stories of Thanksgiving conversation gone wrong will make you feel better about your family's holiday dysfunction.

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? Welcome back, everybody. So, Des and I have had a day. We're tired. Well, we're not, sorry.

I don't want to start with a complete. plain. But there's been a lot going on in the last couple. I think we need to discuss the whole thing. So our nieces and nephews. A niece and nephew. A niece and nephew. A little toddler and a little baby have lived with us the last three days. And they are the joy and light of my life. Two and a half year old and a four and a half month old. I can't remember what life was like before. these two bright lights and I am exhausted yeah now I know that the parents are listening and not those parents not the our listeners that our parents are like oh tough cookies I get it but we're tourists to the incredible care and attention that is required to spend that much time

with children and we're exhausted yes but then we were like okay we're driving back into the we're back together also oh that yeah that's exciting hallelujah yes and we drove in the car together and we got caught in crazy traffic i made a huge me i let me just admit what happened for the first time ever no i i i ignored ways because ways a lot of times when it tells me to take a certain way and it kind of ends up being a little wrong, but I never ignore ways, but I ignored ways today, and I paid a terrible price. When did you realize you made a mistake? I knew I, so for those that don't know, there was a very bad accident on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway today, and they shut it down. And I realized I made a mistake when I got into that irreversible situation.

Cars were reversing out of that tunnel. Yeah, that was apocalyptic. That was apocalyptic. Cars were reversing out of the tunnel. That was crazy. Like literally, that's like, that was like, insane. What's the Cordyceps show? The Last of Us. Yeah, that was like the last of tomorrow.

Yeah. So, anyway, two hours of our lives given over to being in, literally, you always love to say gridlock. Gridlock. This really was gridlock. So I always say we were in gridlock traffic and just like, I don't think you actually know what gridlock is. Well, the universe told us today, but I took

a really nice nap. I was like me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. But we were also going to record in the car, but I did not have a microphone for myself. So we're like, oh, it's okay. We'll be home soon anyway. Turns out we didn't get home soon. We didn't get home. So now we're finally home. The clan is back together. That's a lot of admin that you guys didn't need to know about. You didn't need to know any of that. But you know what? We like to sometimes just, you know, take the curtain and move it a little so you can see behind the scenes of our lives. I feel like you now know a little bit more about what's involved if we decide to have children we're not going to have the children discussion but I feel like you know three

days in your own home because it was in our house three days in our own house you know where we were kind of like responsible how do you feel it's a level of tired I've never felt before it wasn't even our kids you weren't breastfeeding yeah we could have let them like we didn't even have to watch them but but you kind of do. They're also, there's so much, these are also two of the greatest kids ever. Great kids. Great kids.

So two of the greatest kids ever have us exhausted. And we already know that our kids are going to be nightmarish, truly from the devil, coming out of my pussy. I do want to point out that your niece, Lois, had to wake you up every morning. You were the last person in bed every morning. Maybe that's why I'm so tired, because you guys woke up. I woke me up every morning when I want to sleep for three more hours. Yes, but I do want to point out to the listener that I never had Lois, I never allowed Lois to wake Hannah up before she had already had 11 hours of sleep.

11 hours. Okay. I also want to point out that I was jetlight coming back from Ireland and I was up at 2 and 3 and 4.30 in the morning. Women need more sleep than men. I read it on Instagram. So it's a fact. And I know. I know. I'm sure all the moms and dads never say, well, get that sleeping now because if I have kids, you won't be getting that sleep.

But I'm going to be the one that wakes up. Well, you're going to be up anyway because you wake up at 5 a.m. because you're a farmer. Yep. You're a descendant of farmers. Yep. Well, that's true. That's actually true. My grandfather, John O'Hare, was a farmer from the mountains of morn and cat a dine. And that was pre-pre-a-a-a-a-a-a-ta-ta-fammon? Hannah, we don't make famine jokes.

on the pod and no it wasn't pre-potatina family that wasn't a joke that was just an historical question no it's a joke about my age the 1840s speaking of family we were like what we like to do themes that have to do with what's going on in everyone's life and we know thanksgiving's coming up we know we just had an election we know that there's stuff going on and we thought what if we made ourselves feel better by hearing other people's ever family fights right I mean that wasn't really the motivation who somebody made this suggestion actually I think my mom did yeah I think it was your mom well done Lenore well done this is your mother's suggestion I do have to say my well let's not give away any family secrets but let let's just say that our

Thanksgiving is slightly been motivated by well our Thanksgiving started small and we found out it's now expanded because Deslar's We're kind of a still a newly married couple, would you say? Yeah, well, you know, two and a half years. So this is the first time certain groups are coming together on Thanksgiving at our house. So it's a first ever. Yeah. So things can go wrong.

We don't go awry. Anyway. We lost the plot. Yeah, we lost the plot. We're seven minutes in. We were all over the place. See, I love intros. Well, I'm brain dead, man.

You know, I came back from Ireland to chaos. It's been absolute chaos. And I'm in the middle of the craziest tour. I love that burner phone is just us complaining. Yeah, man, that was the whole thing. Anyway. This is a helpline. So there's so many of these, man.

Let's get into it. So this was basically, it was Thanksgiving fights, but really we opened it up to all family gatherings. And actually, it was a broad amount of occasions. But the, I got to be, these were dark, man. Like, these are dark. There's a lot of, like, let's go right in with a crazy one so the most chaotic family fight that happened at one of my family

thanksgivings this was many years ago like probably i don't know 15 um my mom's cousin was she got pregnant with like her boyfriend's kid they weren't married and my papa who was like older very traditional called him the like unborn child a bastard child um at the thanksgiving dinner table And, yeah, things were pretty uncomfortable after that. And she did not want to come back to Thanksgiving with the family. Bastard, you know. Yeah. At the old school.

That's a throwback. The kid probably didn't even know what he meant. Well, the kid wasn't there. The kid was unborn. Oh. Yeah. Your unborn bastard child. You know?

It's crazy. That's some Game of Thrones shit. Yeah, that's Game of Thrones. look I remember my grandparents when they first were weird about that my boyfriend was like sleeping over and then like my mom had to talk with them I was like that's what kids do these days like because my nan and papa got married at 18 probably because they wanted to have sex for the first time so they thought it was weird that I was having boyfriends stay over that my parents were like enabling and letting yes um literally no he was

fingering my inner thigh nothing was happening but it's interesting the generational clashes that we're going to have yeah I there's a lot of situations in Ireland where you know you could like go away on a vacation with your girlfriend and like no issue but if you went on a vacation with their family couldn't stay in the same hotel room you know or in their house couldn't stay in the same room. Yeah. Like the not under my roof rule. Yeah. But it's like, who are you fooling, bro? I have the most random memory. I was at a boyfriend's house and for some reason we weren't allowed to be in the same room. We were like early 20s. Your boyfriend's house? Yeah, and his parents were there and like I was sleeping in a room. Maybe because we were still like pretending we were

just friends. He was my roommate and to be like played tennis or whatever. Anyway, I was in my own room. And it was like 11 p.m. and the parents were out. They're coming back. And I just start hearing chaos, like absolute chaos. And I'm like, don't know if I should leave the room that they've put me in. Turns out some squirrel had rabies. It was like attacking the family. Oh my God. And I'm just in the bedroom. And I can just hear them being like, the squirrel has rabies. And I'm like, okay. So they were being attacked by a rabbit squirrel? And in the morning. Well, thank God you didn't share room. In the morning, I remember waking up and going downstairs, like, how are y'all doing?

And they were like, oh, we had to go to the hospital and get tennis shots. Oh, my God. Thank God. But he had run out. I was trying to, like, protect his mom from the squirrel. And I was, like, playing dead in my room. They all lived to tell the tale. Yeah, well, that was a happy, that's a happy memory.

All right, let's get into some gossip. Hey, Hannah and does. So this actually was not Thanksgiving. It was Mother's Day, but maybe a few years ago. I was probably 25 at the time, my sister 23. We were having a wonderful Mother's Day dinner with my mom and my dad, minding our own business, celebrating Mom on Mother's Day. When my dad thinks it's an appropriate time to interrupt dinner to tell me and my sister

that he actually was married before my mom. and just never told us there was a whole damn wedding and, you know, they got divorced after he found out that she was a coke addict and owed some drug dealer some money. And, you know, every time we visited my grandparents, they hid the old wedding photos from his previous wife. So that was a great present for my mom on Mother's Day and interesting aftermath after that. Oh, I want to know the aftermath. Why are you teasing us? I wonder if the mom was like, yeah, tell them today or if the dad was just feeling like he got the family together

for a nice moment. I feel like it's the latter. Yeah. I would have liked to know the aftermath. This one tickled me pink because we found out after my father died that he was married before, you know? It's funny because nowadays I feel like you can't get away with that stuff because of social media or just Google.

Everyone has like their wedding website. Yeah, although it was definitely well before that. But the funny thing was that I had this like very wonderful but intense chat with my father. And right towards the end, and he was talking about regret and secrets and stuff. And I can't actually, it's funny. Now I can't remember what I assumed he was talking about. but I gave him this like rousing speech about like you know how great a father he was and that he needed to like let all that go but I I really I can't remember what I thought it was

about but I was telling him like in relation to what I thought it was about thinking that I was giving him like this most amazing speech having no idea that actually what he was talking about was he was torn over whether he should tell us before he died that he was married before and divorced, which we never knew his entire lifetime. Did your mom know? Yeah, my mother knew from the get-go. But he, so he, my mother told me afterwards that he was like, you know, you think, you know, he really wanted to tell us. And she was like, yeah, tell him. And then he's like, no, no. And then he said to her, don't tell

them. But this is my thing. It's one thing to be like I have another family or like there's another son or something. But before he met your mom it's like, who cares? You know, I think for him, number one, I think he was ashamed

that he had been like divorced. And two, I then think that he was ashamed that he had gone our whole lives without saying this. I mean, it is kind of weird. It's like So I got a couple of add-ons to this. So my mom told us, and we just thought it was hilarious. But then I was aware of her, though,

because I knew that my father had had a girlfriend in London called Valerie. Because all my core cousins and uncles would tell me about Valerie. And, oh, he had a, you know, he had a girlfriend at the time. So anyway, it turns out that Valerie was a 10. terrible alcoholic, died from alcoholism, and my mother told us that she remembered her father calling New York, like whenever she died, to say, like, I just thought you should know that Valerie died. But then when I was doing the show about my dad, my dad was in James Bond, this journalist contacted me who had known my father and was telling me about fucking Valerie

and how she was like, she only liked my dad because he was like a good-looking model and she just wanted to be part of the scene and he was like ripping her to shreds, this guy. Oh, my God. Yeah. And so, to a couple more add-ons, my dad, I knew that my father had had like a hairdresser's,

you know, in the, you know, before he met. Yeah, before he met my mother. And, but it turned out that she wouldn't sign it, she wouldn't sign it over to, him unless he gave her divorce. I can't remember. Oh, she wouldn't sign the paper. She wouldn't sign the divorce papers until he signed over the hair salon to her, which he wasn't happy about. Because he was always pissed off when we're kids about that he let go of this like good business, but we never knew why. But it turned out that she forced him to sign that

over to sign the divorce papers. So then when my father goes for American citizenship, he realizes that she procrastinated on signing the divorce papers later than she said. And actually, my father was married before the divorce actually went through. So my father found out, like, close to, like, very late in the thing that he, like, actually had a crossover. Polyamory.

Marriage-wise, and he was worried that it would affect his getting American citizenship. But in the end, it was fine. The drama. Is that too much? No, that's great. Was that too long? No, that was really good. It's also funny to think, like, no matter what you're lying about, big or small, there becomes

a moment where it's too late, and it gets just, like, too awkward to tell the truth. Yeah, but we knew about her, too, which is weird, you know? And then I had another, my dad's friend, Dudley Sutton, who was an actor, he was in, like, what a great name. Great British sitcom called Lovejoy. He was, like, pretty successful, like, Dudley Sutton. He would show up in some stuff. and I stayed with him one time in Chelsea

and he never said like oh you know your father's first wife I wonder how much your dad told other people not to tell you guys yeah I mean it must have ate them unnecessary too so unnecessary the fact that you guys laughed is so stupid like

I mean and he had so many other wacky thing I'm sorry I feel like I would be mad if like there was a whole family that I could have been yeah like a brother oh God bless you excuse me friends with and they like didn't tell me about it because they thought I might be upset or something when it's like the more the merrier. I love family drama. There's so much of it here. So with big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first

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thanks to Honeylove. Let's get a political one. We can't hide from the fact that most of these were political. Okay, so this is technically during Christmas on Thanksgiving, but the same thing. So this was circa 2019, okay? And my grandpa and great uncle got into a fight about politics, which all started from their argument about if Robert De Niro is a good actor. and Robert Schneider is a Democrat.

So, of course, my grandpa being, unfortunately, a Trump supporter, said that he's, you know, not a good actor, doesn't like any of his movies, won't watch any of his movies. My great uncle was like, Breaking Bull is the best movie to ever exist, blah, blah, blah. So just got into a whole thing about politics, which ended with a gigantic, fuck you, yelling. and they had to be separated onto the porch like children. So, yeah, that was pretty eventful. Oh, my God. First of all,

Raging Bull is one of the best movies of all time. It is funny. Movies really are a big topic of conversation when the family's together, at least my family. We'll be sitting. We'll be like, so anyone see a good movie lately?

Like, besides the weather, it's pretty much the best thing you could talk about. But look, Raging Bull, that's not even an argument. Not like we're taking sides, but... I mean, there's a lot. There's a lot of that's going on here. Wait, so great-uncle and grandpa, is that their brothers?

Great-uncle, yeah, I guess they were brothers, yeah. Yeah. The Trump's-up's always complicated, you know, because people are very passionate. Luckily, I've managed to navigate all my relationships with the, you know, the people who I don't agree with politically. but that is largely by not discussing it. And that has become more important in the Trump era because the debates tend to get heated.

There's less civil discourse these days politically. So I think the only way to deal with that is to not talk about it. Yeah, you have a no politics policy around certain people. Well, we had one with my cousin, who is he's I'm not going to say anything about his trumpness but he's hard on the conspiracy theories

hard and I just have a no like we're not getting into because me we're never I get on great with him one of my closest cousins we have had incredible ski trips and great sports and you know just great relationship but we absolutely do not agree on that stuff

and I have no interest in listening to his debates on that stuff. And his algorithm? You know, yeah, so I'm just very happy. Let's just not talk about it. I do have to say I, with my family, it's not to say boring, but we all... Everybody agrees. Agree on most things. Yeah, somebody needs to come out.

It's like you have a gay uncle, but you need to somebody to come out as a Trump supporter. Yeah, that would, that would be like, that would be, that would be a moment, you know. But anyway, I think that the other part of this, which is interesting, is separating the art from the artist. Ooh, yes. Or from the hero. I do have to say, I don't think anyone this Thanksgiving is going to be like, P. Diddy's music was spectacular and I'm going to keep playing it. That's the one good thing about P. Diddy.

Yeah, P. Diddy, nobody cares. R. Kelly, there was one or two songs that we were like, damn, that was... Yeah, and Michael Jackson. I believe I can fly. Are you fucking kidding me? That inspired my whole childhood. Yes. And, you know... Michael Jackson, people play it all, him all the time.

Like, it hasn't been canceled. But, you know, like, I don't agree with Brandon Nimmo politically, but it does not affect my admiration. Like, he's one of my favorite players. And to be honest, since you met him and you interviewed him and we met him that day, one of my favorite guy, like, just awesome in every way. The fact that him and I don't agree politically doesn't affect me. So that's the whole thing is like, it shouldn't, like, I don't like either side of the political divide.

It's okay to be disappointed in like an actor that you're surprised of the take that they have. But I don't think it's fair to suddenly try to suggest that they're not good at the same. their craft because you don't agree with them politically. Like, I don't agree with James Woods politically, right? He's not really that relevant in acting at the moment, but he, he, he was in some, some cracking movies back in the day. You know, did some great performances. I'm not going to say, oh, I'm never watching one of his, you know, he played Bill W. You know, like, I'm not going to. I think it depends on the extent of like what's, like, like, Mel Gibson, if your role was to be the like

likable kind of guy and then you come out as unlikable sometimes it's harder to watch that stuff will happen or if you feel like a certain person's political views is coming for your specific like if they're against gay marriage and like you're gay then I feel like it becomes

harder and harder to not when it's a personal thing it's harder no it's harder to watch 100% but to suggest but I'm saying harder to not be like I fucking hate that guy. Yeah, but that's the whole thing

you can say I hate that guy, but you can't say he's a bad actor, which is they're trying to say Rob De Niro's a bad actor. No. Get out. No. For the record, De Niro did actually say around that time, I want to punch Donald Trump in the face. Just to give a context of probably why this was a little heated. There was a lot of

violent rhetoric. I watched De Niro recently in this thing called The Intern or he plays a sweet older man who is born. and wants to just have a job and it was really cute with Anne Hathaway. I have to be honest, like, the last 20 years I'm not over the moon

with a lot of De Niro's choices. But that's like, like trying to say he's a bad actor, is ridiculous. You know, he's an amazing actor that probably started to focus more on property development in the last two decades, you know?

Investments? Well, he's, I mean, half of Tribeca, I believe. He owns? He owns a lot of it. Oh, wow. I mean, he's part of the, he's part of the Tribeca revitalization.

Anyway, is, is this, is this podcast getting boring? No. No, I just, I just get paranoid. No.

All right, let's shake and bake. But Raging Bull is actually in my top five. I know it's very male. Can you say the other movies you were saying in the car that, Oh, you were,

you were just, no, it wasn't a, that was specific to, we were talking about, like great moments in like being in the movies. Yeah. Like leaving the movies

and being like my life has forever changed. Well I said I remember Pope Fiction and Trainspotting, which were both a similar year. Those two were huge for me. You liked the last samurai. The last samurai? No. What's the one with...

Crouchy Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Different country. Different country, different martial art. Wait, who started? The last Samurai. I remember I was Tom Cruz. I thought the whole time you were talking about a Tom Cruise movie. Oh my God. And I was like, okay.

Oh my God. I was actually filing for divorce. Talking about Michelle Yo. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then you also talked about Up. You loved Up.

Well, I mentioned Up because you immediately went to cartoons. Well, my, I was fortunate to be in the Disney time, which I think America's never been so together at that point when, you know, Moulon. and Sleeping Beauty Sleeping Beauty was decades before wasn't it?

Yeah, Beauty and the Beast Well, they knew or they're old, though? Aladdin. Aladdin. Toy Story 3. Yeah, that was Pixar. That was Pixar, though. Shrek.

Yeah, Shrek. Are you kidding? Who made Shrek? Dreamworks. Dreamworks. Yes. But yeah, so I mentioned Up because we were talking about that. You started talking about cartoons. And I said that the beginning of Up is, I think actually the best movie on grief is the beginning of Up. If you don't understand loss after watching the beginning of Up, then you will never understand loss. Incredible. But anyway, we're not going to, we're not a movie podcast. We just happen to be talking about that on our. four-hour journey that was meant to be an hour and a half. We like restraining order for sister as a headline.

Yeah. Hey guys, so I love the pod. My story goes back two years ago on Christmas Eve. My sister and I were having problems all throughout the night, and nothing was really getting resolved. And by the time we got home, things were pretty heated. She tries to, you know, start another five, but I decided to not even engage in anything.

just because she was really drunk. So I proceed to go to my room and she tells me to square up. By the time I turn around, she is already coming full force towards me and punches me straight in the face. We eventually, you know, roll on the ground and start fighting each other. The fight was eventually broken up by my brothers. And then the cops were called. I go to the emergency room. x-rays were taken

and I ended up breaking my notes so fast forward I ended up getting a restraining order against her there you go wow that is some sister shit like on the next level because when you're just you and your brother

like I mean I hope it's not happening out there but I feel like there's less physical violence but if it's two brothers or two sisters I feel like it's game on you're like fight me bitch that's crazy man I mean

we've never come to blows myself but we've been close you've never come to blows with your brothers not an adulthood yeah not an adulthood yeah

but we've definitely we've been close has anyone broken a bone in an altercation what like against somebody else yeah no eight you know

no I was nearly gonna I've known brothers who have, like, broken bones punching each other and stuff. No, but we, I'm just telling you that we haven't. Yeah, no, that's, you guys are zen as fuck. Actually, one time at a family party, uh, we, one of us nearly came to blows with it, with an in-law, cousin. In-law, though, not a blood relation.

Oh. Do you know what the argument was? What? He was trying to say that America didn't lose the war in Vietnam. like what see that's what's entertaining to me is what the actual fights are about like what started

because family stuff can be so deep that if you just like walk in the room and you hear what they're fighting about you're like there's no way they're about to punch each other over Robert De Niro but like that's how I felt about like reality TV

because you'll see people get so mad and you're like there's no way they could freak out over this but you don't know all the other stuff that's been going on, they got people there. Yeah, but the booze, honestly, like, a lot of it has to do with the booze, man. Like, booze just makes things escalate. But some of these people have, like, low-key, been annoyed at these people for, like, decades,

and they're sitting there with their, you know, eggnog, and they're like, fuck you. Yeah, it all comes out. It all comes out. But luckily, you know. Actually, our most drama we had was when there was a fire in the house. Oh, yeah. That was that last I don't know

It was three Christmases ago I think three I think so It's one of our first ones Yeah someone messed up With the fireplace Yeah we had a fire We had to call the fire department

There was a full fire But it wasn't It wasn't because People were like No Trying to light each other on fire We had a A pyromaniac

Is that the word pyromaniac Yeah we had a full fire Like a real fire And I remember being like Save Muffy Where's Muffy You know I was like calling my

New York City fireman friend, and he was like, I told them the temperature. I was like, oh, yeah, they, they hit the laser gun, and it was like, whatever the temper. He was like, oh, shit, you got, those guys can't leave the house until that's down to 200, whatever, you know, he was New York firemaning out on me. All right. The holiday season is coming up, and I have the perfect suggestion for a gift, not just for others, but for yourself. Hannah and I love Bowling Branch Sheets.

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I'm not getting involved in it. But I did get him a daily facial. cleanser and facial moisturizers. They also look aesthetically so cool and just, and not like for like a teenage boy, like for a man. They're mature and honestly dapper. This holiday season, if you want simple effective products that your significant other will love, you need Jack Black. Head to jackblack.com slash burn and use the code BERN for 10% off your order. Once again, that's getjackblack.com backslash burn for 10% off and make sure use my promo code burn so they know I sent you. Hannah and Des, so the worst family fight that I've witnessed in recent memory did not happen on

Thanksgiving, but it did happen on my mom's birthday a year ago. I have two older brothers and both of their wives were trying to get pregnant at the same time. And one announced that his wife was like two weeks pregnant at the dinner table on my mom's birthday. And the other brother's first reaction was to say you're fucking stupid for saying that out loud and the reason he said that is because his wife had miscarried recently so both brothers just had beautiful healthy babies which is awesome but that turned into a very awkward family dinner it's complicated right because you have the uh you're not supposed to say until three months right right but at the end of the day that's to protect you

you know but being aware that I don't know if they were aware that somebody had miscarriage recently or not but like yeah it's like you're fucking stupid for saying it out loud and you know it's a potential for miscarriage is so high also two weeks

she must have just found out like that morning so she she couldn't be two weeks pregnant she had to be like four weeks pregnant right who and I don't know the girl math on that I do know that I did the podcast Hot Takes where there's this Reddit thing

where it's Am I the Asshole and people like talk about a lot of family drama and they talk about how someone's wedding day the sister announced that she was pregnant on the wedding day. Oh that that's unacceptable. But how like yeah the bride was like

that's your fuck you like we're done but how the family was like taking the sister's side and, like, who was actually the asshole of that situation. It got, like, really convoluted. But, um... Wait a minute. That's a great prompt. Why don't we do that?

Am I the asshole? Yeah. Yeah, we'll do it next time. I like that. I like that a lot. No, it's so good. Yeah, it's like this, she has, Morgan Apscher has this incredible whole podcast just based of reading, Am I the asshole?

Oh, she, she does the podcast off of the Reddit thread? Yes, and she just reads it and all of her friends give opinions. I've been on it like three times. I didn't realize somebody has a pot. I'm not looking to take somebody's pocket. She reads what people put in this Reddit thread, but I think it'll be funny to get the little dialers to do, am I the asshole for situations that you're not sure.

Can I just say I have a friend who actually listens to this pod and they didn't end up getting married. So I don't think anybody to get upset that I'm mentioning this. But he fucking proposed at my brother's rehearsal dinner. That's wild. Yeah. That's insane. That's wild behavior.

That's wild behavior. Wait, how did your brother respond? It was fine. Because my brother had a destination wedding. So it was a quick picture-ish. But it was still his wedding. Well, it was the day before. Wow.

At the time, I didn't think much of it, but then after the fact that people were talking about it, oh, shit. I know. Anyway, you know who you are. I feel like me and you, our lives are so much. Like, we demand attention every single day. But do you think of these people who it's like,

the one time the day's about them and they get to be a star of their wedding day for someone to take the attention is like fucked up i think so but you know i at the time i didn't think much of it but i and there definitely wasn't any fault nobody really cared you yeah but i guess you know i guess that's crazy i guess sometimes though people are like oh the family's all together for this event i might as well get two birds with one stone and tell them something, but it could hurt someone's feelings. I mean, I definitely could do a whole podcast series on

my Am I the asshole moment? Just you? You know, it's like the ball was probably out, but I could have just let it go. But instead, you know, the police ended up on the

beach. Even though I was right, the ball was out. It didn't need to get to the point where the police, we're on the beach. By the way, that never happened, by the way. That's hyperbole. I do want us do stupid sports fights because... It's so unnecessary. There's crazy stuff happening in pickleball. Like, I'll have clips.

Oh, these clips are crazy. These fucking... You see the one with the guy kicked the guy in the head? Yeah, the steroid pickleballers have lost their damn mind. I saw one the other day with the guy kicked the guy in the head. How do you even kick someone in the head? And then we saw the other one with a woman through her racket at the guy. That was tennis, actually. That wasn't pickleball.

My favorite was when me and you went to... watch some support some friends play tennis who are you know it's it's a pretty it's a very very friendly chill game yeah and the second we got there it was just yelling and it was over the score it was yelling it was like they're starting off bro and they were we were watching but like it was so chill like i wasn't keeping score like i didn't care who was winning and then they start looking at us like we're the scorekeepers yeah like we were like we weren't keeping score and all of them are disagreeing they finally we decide something and then like Ten minutes later, one of us, me or you made a joke, and then it got revved up again.

That's right. Well, I recently had a moment with one of my friends' kids. We were playing paddle. I mean, I can't really move, but I was playing paddle in Spain. And there was a score discrepancy. And I turned to my godchild. and I was like trying to correct the score to him which wasn't in our favor

so actually like they had said the score wrong to our benefit and he was like no no no shh don't say anything and I was like wow how did I raise you but I'm not going to lie

I actually didn't say anything did you guys win the game we actually it was part of of a momentous comeback. Wow, so karma is not real. But you know what, though? I can't move, so I didn't feel bad about it.

Yeah. Honestly, I was impressed with his connivance, to be honest. You know? I was like, I like the... Sneakiness? Yeah, the sneakiness. You know, because it's not an important age. So anyway, that will be a good prompt.

Well, obviously, my brain is just full of... insanely unnecessary sport agro that I've had. Do you remember when you and Steve were playing golf and those people were sitting on the golf course? Oh, you weren't there for that. No, but you called me. Yeah, but they were wrong. I know, they were the assholes.

No, they were definitely, I don't have time to, it's on a podcast somewhere. I don't have time to get into that. I feel like I'm doing all the talking on this episode. Well, no, I'm tired, so I really, I like that you're talking. Okay, so, uh, the quick version of that is that we were playing there's a very like small but free pitch and put course on the meadows in edinburgh and uh pitch and put it's tiny like we're talking

like we're talking 30 yard shots too okay yeah so it's a small golf course yeah but it's like it's public like anybody can play there's no there's no starter you just if you have clubs you just start playing there's 18 tiny holes and it's the cutest little little amazing public thing in Edinburgh and it's such a cool city and these two English people were young too

like in their early 20s just sitting like in the way of one of the holes and we were like, yo can you move you know like and we weren't even being like aggressive but I got this like dumb accent and they wouldn't move you know what were they doing like picnicking?

Just sitting there. they wouldn't move and so then oh so there's no quick version they were like it's a public park it's all right to be here it's a public park right and uh then you know they were wrong right like you don't have the right to sit on that if you actually you read the bylaws of the ed the meadows you can't if you're not playing you're not supposed to be on that but at one stage the guy made like an anti-American comment and I can't remember what it was do you remember what it was he called you an expat no he didn't say expat he he said something about me like you're a dumb American he's I can't remember but he said something and that was actually the moment we had the girl that was with him was like whoa that went too far and I absolutely lost it at that moment I think you said like go back to your country or something so it was something insane and you know I was like It didn't matter anyway, but the fact that he had an English accent didn't help.

Did he, um, did he leave? They left. The vibe changed. Let's just say it got real queens real fast. And me and Steve both had golf clubs in our hand. So let's just say it got real queens real fast. And they're little, you know, they're there for the Edinburgh. By the way, I don't condone violence, but like this, this was beyond.

But, you know, I feel this is, this is time wasting here. We're running out the clock here. This is too much. It's not enough context. So, okay, let's get a couple more. Jesus, Christmas. Oh, yeah, I love this. I love this.

Hi, Hannah and Des, love your podcast. So the worst family fight I witnessed was, I'm pretty sure it was Thanksgiving dinner, but it could have been Christmas. So we went to my grandparents' house on my mom's side, And for context, none of us are super religious. Like, some of us believe in God, celebrate, like, Christmas and whatever. And some of us don't would consider themselves atheists. So my grandma considers herself a Christian.

Her husband, my granddad, considered himself an atheist. My sister decides at dinner, she wants to say grace. So everyone, you know, holds hands. And then my granddad just yells, you can't do that. shit in my house under my roof so everyone gets silent my sister runs outside my parents follow my dad was pissed um they all left and i ended up having to stay because i live there so awkward that's it love that that's a classic you couldn't you couldn't script that because my grandpa was atheist but he was oh he he he never caused issues yeah but he definitely made comments i feel like

yeah and i i you know i was very very religious, not religious these days. Got no problem with religious people. But I have to say, like, when people bust out the grace in my modern life, it can be awkward. Well, yeah, because you don't really know what to do, and you close your eyes, but then you're also, like, you're holding hands, someone's sweaty-ass hand next to you. Yeah. And then you feel weird, like, am I, like, talking to God right now?

Does God want me to be involved in this? yeah so um so i i mean personally i i love the grumpy grandpa just being like no not in my house it's complicated because so you know the old adage was no religion no politics at dinner right yeah so the religion didn't come up that much but the majority were politics obviously but religion is the other big one you know and that's first dates too no religion no politics and in ireland it was also and no north don't talk about the thing What I was saying grace, though, is I think you can say it in a way that, like, everyone is happy. Yeah, let's be grateful.

Yeah, let's be grateful and thankful for this beautiful evening, whatever. But then sometimes people would be like, we're here to thank our God or whatever. And then it's like, okay. Did you, we had a grace that we said. We never had a grace. Yeah, so this was like the standard Queen's Catholic grace. What was it? It was bless us, O Lord, and these like gifts which we are about to receive, I think through Christ,

our Lord amen or there's probably a missing sentence there but it was something like that did you have to do it before you ate always I don't think I don't think we said grace all the time but we said grace sometimes for sure like before you ate it uncrustable uncrustable what before you had a Pop-Tart oh yeah no this I think sometimes we said grace but it wasn't uh wasn't the the norm in our house yeah but we do you know let's look like I can see about two yeah okay I'm losing my prayers. I'm like, God, I can't even, I bet you I couldn't even bust out a nice and creed.

I don't really agree with the no politics, no religion on a first date. I'm like, first, let's stop pretending that we're compatible on the first day. I don't have time. Like, it's like the Seinfeld bit, which people aren't talking about. There's this amazing scene in Seinfeld where Elaine meets this perfect guy. And also, I haven't seen this episode in years, so I could be saying it wrong. But he's perfect. she's bragging everyone about how perfect he is and finally jerry goes what's his view on abortion

and she's like oh no and she meets with him she says something like about abortion he was like no i don't believe in that stuff but she was like no but it's so funny that now in this day and age that was decades ago that it's something we're dealing with we're listening to somebody telling a story about how they were like on a first date and somebody said do you believe in God and they said no and then they were like oh that must be so sad for you was that? I think that was something that happened to you on a

first date. No no this came up in the last couple of days during a conversation. Oh no first I've been joking about how first dates like getting a fight like in New York. Like first date do you believe in God? Yeah. Really? Yeah first I think all my hand on the street questions are things

I'd ask guys on a first date you know what's a shape of a clitoris let's go yeah but yeah but that's that's that's a fine first date question you don't ask on hand on the street you don't say do you believe in God

no I say what's the definition of feminism no I oh but these are all good first day question like yeah well you know but like do you believe in God I think it's a great first day question no I know but religion you're you am I going to hell or not

no but what I'm saying is that religion isn't a good first day topic I think it is I think you can be compatible with somebody with different religious beliefs actually. I think an atheist and a Christian can have a very happy relationship. I think they could. But yeah, me and you, you have more tolerance of other people than I do. I'm more tolerant of religious people, are you saying? Religion and politics. Oh, right. I just feel like I'd want the person who's with me to have a similar

view on life. I understand. I understand. I feel more connected with people who have. But I also, it does make me dislike people

who are different. You're just talking about lover. Yeah, I'm talking about if you're my life partner. I love, I have a lot of, if you want to be my lover, I have a lot of,

get with my creed. Sorry, it's a song by the Spice Girls. You got to get with my friend. I know, I amended it. I have a lot of really religious friends. Shout out Haley.

And I love her. to death, and she keeps me grounded. Yeah, so there you go. But what if I told you in the end that? Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're not getting into that. We're not getting into that. We don't get religious on this spot.

We don't get religious. We don't get religious or political. All right, this is, uh, this is for you. Hi, guys. Love this prompt made for me because I am the one. I'm never the witness. I am the one causing the drama on family holidays, especially Thanksgiving, because I come from a

very traditional household where, you know, the women are cooking. And that's fine because I love to cook. I love it. But it's like the expectation of it. So, you know, by the time I've had a few drinks in me throughout the day, the entire time I'm spending making the meal, which by the way, are the boys helping? No, they're not. I'm usually pretty pissed off. And it's always directed at my father. And last year, we don't cuss much in my household. And last year, I was just drunk enough that when no one was helping clean up and they looked at my mom to do it I started getting pissed

and my dad's laughing at me and I looked at him in the eye and I said is something fucking funny and you better bet the dinner table went silent she ran out no but I... But that very much is a...

It's very, that is one of the bigger the easiest ways to fight is there's either moms who are like this, we love it, this is what we do or the moms, the women who were like, this isn't the fucking 1920s. Yeah. The men can help clean up if we cooked or the men could cook.

That's why I don't cook or clean. It's an act of feminism. It's an act of feminism. It is. Really? It's not because you're lazy. It's an act of resistance. It's an act of resistance.

Good for you. It is funny, the cursing thing. But here's the problem. The men aren't picking up the slack for you. Your mom is. That's really. It's hurting women more. It's hurting women more. It's hurting women more.

Like, oh, she loves it. It de-stresses her. I love that she's like, I'm the problem. It's me. And I also think it's funny how some families, like, don't curse. But then, like, you love the F-bomb. Well, that's the Irish are just, I should lose with the F-bombs.

Yeah, because some places would be like, oh, my God, this is inappropriate. I have trouble in family gathering. after I've been on the road for a long time and I'm doing so much crowd work and then you're talking to like your aunt and you just like have to have a normal conversation and you like can't help but like say

the like weirdest thing that's coming to your brain. Sometimes when I'm doing like a lot of crowd work I'm like in that mindset. Really? I have a problem with family gatherings when after we eat I just want to go to bed. True.

So can I jump out of the topic here to finish because we got a random one and I was like it was it's not to do with the topic but I like this topic and it's something I'm passionate about okay so I was just talking with my sister hot take maybe men should not be shaving you know what I'm talking about up, get a haircut down there. We're not shaving. I don't want to have to be in a competition with you, and that's just it. That's that simple. I don't want to feel like I am more prickly than you. Don't shave. I'm with this girl, too. When men shave their chest, and let's be honest,

they're not shaving all the time, and if they are, they're not straight, it's prickly on their chest and I just want to put my head on your chest. Also, it doesn't need to be shiny like a baby dolphin. Yeah, I mean, she's really talking about the pubes, though. I know. Well, the pubs, that's insane. But that's the norm now. Guys shaving it? Yeah. I have to ask my friends, because I've been out of the game. No, because sometimes when I'm doing crowd work, coincidentally enough, and like, I'll, because especially now, I have this, I have this bit about hitting puberty late. So, recently I've been, like, asking, like, younger guys in the front row. When I say younger, I mean, guys in their 20s.

And I say to you shave your pews and it's 100% unanimous and then they're like, I was like you know that we used to not shave our pubs and they're like, really? Like, it's like the norm for them. I have to ask Paige what's going on.

No, it's a fact. I'm telling you. I'm letting you know. You don't need to ask Paige. I don't even remember what other guys' peepies looked like. It hasn't been that long. It's been a long time. Hannah's got early on.

at Alzheimer's. She's got cock Alzheimer's. I go, I don't remember what an uncircumcised dick looks like. That's what I told me. You don't remember what a naked head looks like. No, and I don't miss it. Oh, that's nice. All to you, a penis is always in a turtleneck, like an intellectual poet. Yes, and he's warm and cozy. All right, well, listen, you know, we didn't get through that many but they're all kind of there's a lot of violence do you want to add some at the end or no we'll throw up we'll throw up some at the end

because there was a lot you guys good luck thank you for your families thank you for staying with us through this very tired and distracted episode of burner phone we love you guys so much thanks for calling well actually

can we do a little promos so I'm in Vancouver and Seattle in a week and a half and then really important I'm doing Boston but in the weekend in between Christmas and New Year's

it was kind of a unique week so I'll be in Boston because I'm always getting people saying when are you doing Boston I'm there and then I'm in Minneapolis Charlotte Greenville and then I head to Ireland for the second half

of my Irish tour so keep those in mind Hannah still has her giggly shows She's got some new material shows. And, yeah, just to keep on supporting Burnerphone. Thank you so much for everything. We wish the best to the people that were injured today on the Koskeesco Bridge. And I'm sorry for complaining about the traffic

because actually it was quite a serious event there. So we wish them the best wherever they are. Hope the rest of you have a wonderful evening. Thank you for listening to Burner Phone. Good night. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Longtime Giggler, love the podcast. So the worst Thanksgiving fight story that I know is not my own. It is a friend of mine and it's a little dark, but they were having Thanksgiving at her grandma's house and her grandma had like a small under 20 pound dog and her sister was like

oh I want to bring my dog and like brought her dog and it was like a larger mixed breed dog and I guess in the middle of Thanksgiving they heard the dogs like barking and all of a sudden they heard a cry and basically the dog the bigger dog killed the small dog like in the middle of Thanksgiving I guess um so that's pretty dark and definitely I think the worst Thanksgiving fight I have heard. Um, and I want to say the only reason I'm saying this so nonchalantly is I am a vet tech. So I see this stuff a lot. Sorry if that was traumatizing. Bye. Love you. Okay. So picture at South Carolina, Thanksgiving 2002. My whole family, we're all sitting at the table. The other person that's there is my step sister. That's really

important to note. Um, next thing we know, we're all looking at the Black Friday sales as we did every single year. My aunt sees a luggage set and she looks at my grandparents and she's like, I got to have this luggage set. I'm going on vacation and I really need it and I want it for Christmas. My mom is like, fuck no, I want the luggage set and she's not getting it. I want it. They are always in competition, always extremely jealous. Next thing I know, I'm sitting there eating my mashed potatoes, mind of my fucking business. My mom literally launches herself across the table. They start beating these shit out of each other. They are rolling around on the floor and I'm just sitting there again eating my mashed potatoes, reading the fucking sales. Next thing I know the cops are at the door,

the cops are in the house, taking statements. I'm still eating the mashed potatoes. My step-sister was never allowed at the house again. My mom and my aunt no longer speak. One year, my grandmother literally faked a heart attack so everyone would stop fighting. like i can't even get into the family drama of the fighting problems but my grandmother literally clenched her like heart slash chest and fell to the ground and everyone started freaking out and once i don't know you guys i also love you hannah you're my number one hi hannah hi des um this is coming from someone who has a very alcohol-fueled family and has had their fair share of Thanksgiving fights. But the best one was when my Nana was smashed. She told my mom, her daughter, that she never

wanted kids and she regrets having them. And that created a cascade of screaming, yelling, fighting, crying tears, and no one remembered anything the next day, which was the best part because everyone was blackout. Yeah, that was a fun one. Love you guys. Bye. So one year after Thanksgiving dinner, my brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend, and I decided we were going to play Monopoly. So we all put money down. There's $80 in the pot. We get to the end of the game and my brother is in jail. He had all these properties and we were playing by the rule that if you're in jail, nobody has to pay on your properties. So I land on one of his properties. If he would have been out of jail, I would have gone bankrupt. And so I didn't have to

pay. And he gets all pissed. And he starts screaming. He's like, you're cheating. And then his girlfriend's eyes with me. And he starts saying, you guys are conspiring against me. He's flipping out. He knocks the board. Like, he knocks it off the table. He's like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you guys. and then he takes his girlfriend outside is screaming at her and then almost breaks up with her because she sided with me and it was pretty traumatic and now I hate playing my mom.