Berner Phone - Berner Phone #68: Vacation Disasters

Episode Date: December 8, 2024

A vacation can either be a bonding experience or the beginning of the end of a relationship. This week the dialers are sharing their worst vacation experiences with family, friends, and partners.   

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Yeah, go. Hello, my little dialers. Sorry, I'm singing. I saw wicked. You're a wicked person.

I haven't seen wicked yet. So, and I'm very, I'm very glad. that you had that experience with your mom because I had no desire to see wicked. I was going to say... I'm so glad that I'm not getting wicked pressure. If you want to see it again, I'll see... I don't know. I feel like I love when things are like culturally

relevant and they go viral and I'm like obsessed with seeing the moments and like I'm just so... I think you should be thankful that I can't sing because we'd divorce immediately. Well, no, because if you could sing, then it probably wouldn't be so torturous. But for some reason, I feel like I would make it that annoying. Because I don't do things half-ass.

Like, once I realize I'm good at something, I'm like, this is me now. I would walk in the room, I'd be like, what do you want for breakfast? What do you need? Because I'm here for you. I mean, that could very well be the case, but we'll never know. Because the one thing we know for sure is that you can't sing and you don't,

which is great. I also normally sing much better. but I have, I'm in the process of losing my voice. Oh, you haven't, you haven't warmed up your voice? It's not warmed up. The crew sticks are horrible in this room. And no, I have, I'm losing my voice because we're on. As always.

Show number one, two, three, four, five. This is show six in four days tonight in Windsor, Canada for Giggly Squad. And you're also on. I'm in Seattle. On a run. We've both been border hopping across the Canadian. border you're now on the canadian side i'm on the seattle side but i was in vancouver on thursday anyway come on let's not let's not overly bored them with the logistics i love chit-chatting in the

beginning and you no no i just i just mean like i don't mind chit-chatting i just didn't i didn't want to bore them about the the logistics of our our traveling life or about the logistics of how difficult it was for you to just get an uber eats order because i'm in a casino and of course i'm like what's the most difficult thing i could do right now so i decide to order uberates i don't know I can't even make it through the casino so it's a miracle if this guy even gets to me but you know what I like Yeah it's like hey

Take a left at the Lucky Dragon Slot machine So You never play You never gamble when you're at these casinos I'm not a gambling person But we were at a casino in Foxwoods And there was a lady in the front row

Who was like she had to be 90 And she wasn't She was one of those 90 year olds That looked like a hallmark movie like she was so freaking cute like with a sweater and like white hair and just smiling and Paige and I were talking about

pussies and we're just going off and she's loving it at one point I'm just like ma'am are you having good time and she was like yes I'm like do you know who we are and she's like no but I'm having the time of my life and I'm like what's your name and she was like

Beverly and the whole time I'd be like shout out Beverly in the front and then I God Beverly is such a 90 year old's name When was the last time somebody named their kid Beverly? And by the way, if there's any Beverly's out there, I think it's a great name. It just feels like a name of another time. And we do a Q&A at the end and I was like, Beverly, do you have anything to say?

And she was like, no. But if she was with a man, I would have loved to like ask questions. Because we do a lot of relationship stuff. But then I was like, I don't, I can't ask her anything because like her man's probably dead. Yeah, the odds on the man is dead. Statistically, there's a pretty large chance the man is dead. And if it was a stand-up show,

I would have gone into it, but it was Gigli Squad, you know, I didn't, I wanted to keep it light. Because... Well, she's probably a high, you know, she's probably a high roller. You know, she's probably hitting the slots hard, and she got a free ticket.

So I, we went in the elevator and the, like, producer guy was with us, and I was like, that Beverly woman's so cute. And he's like, oh, yeah, she comes to every show. She, she does, she's always at the casino? And I'm like, does she just have, like, all this money from her dead husband, husband and that she hasn't spent and she's just, you know, at Lucky 7, blackjacking.

And what was the answer? You got so into that question. You forgot that it was a question to another person. What was the answer? He was like, yeah, maybe we don't know the deal, but Beverly has a good time. That's great, man. I mean, I think it's, you know, at some of the, at these casinos, like the, the people that go to everything.

It's all she found what she found what she loves, 19 years old. I love her. And also, I always find that the older, like, people are always like, oh, there's a really old person in the crowd. What are they going to think about my dirty material? I find largely, they don't give a shit. They love it. They love it. They love it. They've seen it all. I made like a joke. Like, if you need to get an abortion, you could use the boys' restroom. And at the casinos, there's some random people, like, they're not gigglers. And you'll see, like, some couples, like, get up and walk.

And I explained to Paige, I'm like, by the way, there's some, like, random people who aren't gigglers here. And she was like, what? That's insane. So we're navigating that in the casino culture. 90 years old. I mean, you realized she remembers FDR being president. Like, that's fucking crazy. No, I had so many questions. I had so many questions for her. I had so many questions for her. It would have derailed the show for me. I would have been like, so what was it like when Dwight D. Eisenhower got elected? Like ruined the show. Yesterday, we did have a funny moment because we bring guys on stage i wonder what beverly was thinking and this guy was like sounding like we couldn't tell if he was trash or not and he was like sounding pretty good but like definitely had some baggage and then at one point

i'm like okay this is the kicker have you been to therapy before and he goes yes you and you're so obsessed with therapy it says something about them it says they're they're trying to work on themselves whatever they the crowd starts going nuts they're like this guy's a good guy and i look at him and i'm like there's something still off and i just look at him and i go Was it court ordered? And he goes, it was. And everyone starts doing it. What was it for?

I didn't get into it, but he had a three-year-old from another marriage or whatever. So I was like, there's something there. So anyway, we're having fun on the road out here. And the holidays are upon us. Okay, well, I was just going to say when a court-ordered therapy guy ends up at the casino show, you know this guy isn't really getting his life together. This is not a good sign. This other guy was like so great that we were interviewing at another casino.

And then I was like, what's your hobbies? And he's like gambling. And I was like, oh. Oh, God. Hey, before we get it, I know that the theme is vacation disasters, right? But we haven't talked yet about our own disaster. Because last week, we talked about the fact that we were having 18 people for Thanksgiving. But since then, because the episode actually didn't go up for a couple of days,

since then we had our 18 people over for Thanksgiving, but it started tragically. Tragic. I didn't even talk about on Giggly Squad. I was so traumatized. Oh, you didn't? You forgot? So, very quickly, everybody, because Hannah wasn't really there for this. At like 9 a.m.

So we already have Hannah's uncle, his partner, Hannah's parents, and my brother already staying in the house on Wednesday night. Can I set the house? scene though. Okay, set the scene. That morning, you know, I'm in REM sleep, but I'm hearing laughter and fun and the family's bonding and I hear, you know, they're eating and I just know that everyone's having a great Thanksgiving morning. And then suddenly, yeah, and it's not, that's not Hannah's time of the day. I start hearing like, like, I heard a tone of someone's

voice and then it went silent. It went silent for like, it just went silent. And then in my head, I'm like, did someone die? Is something horrible happening? I check my phone. No one's texted me. And I go, well, I'm going back to sleep. So can I, can I say what was happening in the meantime? So Hannah's, so Michael, who was staying with us, he was like, oh, there's some water in the basement, like a lot of water. And when I went down, I immediately saw there was like water By the way, it's not a basement. There's bedrooms there. Like, people are living there. Oh, yeah, there's, sorry, downstairs. My apologies, downstairs. So, uh, so there's like, like, like, like a pool of water already. Uh, and we assumed it was the dehumidifier,

but then I looked at the dehumidifier and there was not a consistent trail of water. Uh, the quick version is I look all the way down the hole and there's just water. Uh, and now I'm worried because I now see that it's probably at the water tank. And when I make it to the water tank, the water tank is literally shooting water like, an open fire hydrant. Like, it's the Bronx in the 1970s. Like, it's just, there's just water like shooting out

of this thing from like three different angles, which I've never experienced in my life. So luckily, I knew where the water shut off was, and I shut off all the water, but there's no, I'm not going to give all the boring part of it, but we shut off the water and I called an emergency plumber and I figured out how

to get cold water and we didn't have to cancel Thanksgiving and move the whole operation to your mother's house. But the entire time, Hannah was asleep. The entire time, the funny thing is no one thought to wake me up, which is beautiful. No, that was part of the joke was that at no stage was anybody like, we need to get Hannah. Like, there was no sense at any stage that Hannah would be able to help. year. So at one point my mom comes in and she's like, hey, the water tank exploded. And then

she walks away. And then I'm Googling like water tank explosion and it's like people could die. So I'm like, is the house falling down? And then you walk in and you're like, I'm getting handled. It's all good. But everyone's downstairs mopping. And I'm like, all of you are doing all this emergency work. And I'm just like me, me, me, me, me, me, me. So. Yeah, because I knew that once you get up, you'd be like, so I can't have a shower? Which is what I did. I woke up and I said, I am greasy. We had to go to a neighbor's

house. I'm not taking a cold shower. So I, we called Tara. Shout out Tara. And her house has great amenities, five stars. And I had a lovely hot shower. Beautiful face wash. And I felt great. It came back and everything

was handled. But yeah, we couldn't wash dishes because it was just cold water, so we had to boil water. So it was a little trad-wife-ish. But that's what happens when you have the house. Because we talked so much about having 18 people and using our caraway pots. Yes. Which, by the way, caraway. Shout out. Yeah. I don't even know. I don't even know are we doing an ad for them today, but this is this is a not, this is not an ad. This is actual real life. The caraway pot. were a mat your mother couldn't stop going on about how great to caraway and your dad too your dad's like oh these caraway everything just slides off of like ice use code burn for if you need new kitchen

stuff at caraway this is not sponsored we love you guys thank you for sending yeah so anyway so we're we're not good of vacationing we're working on the holidays but clearly it's there's ups and downs but come december hopefully we all have a time to rest. I'm tragically horrible at vacationing. I don't want to blame my childhood, but whenever we'd have days off, it meant I'd have a tournament.

So vacations were almost like higher pressure because it's like we have to fly the family to Arizona. We're competing. A lot of thanksgivings. And nowadays when I go on vacation, I feel like I get there and I put so much pressure on myself to enjoy the vacation because you're paying money to relax,

but like you can't just like tell yourself to relax it takes like four days to relax and typically we stay about four days so then by the time I'm relaxed I'm like oh fuck I have to go back I'm just a bad vacationer and but I do like I've learned I like to explore I like to eat I like to take in the culture so I think with age I've gotten better at seeing what brings me joy that isn't work related yeah so your mother actually came up with this suggestion of vacation disasters yes yes which we we sort of we haven't really had any vacation disasters yet you and I

except for a couple of hotels we weren't that satisfied with but I don't think we've had any one of our first vacation

other than tearing my a massive massive fall down that was that was selfish I don't include those was selfish

yeah I don't include those so I do have to say our one like when we first were doing a

vacation I think I take responsibility because I was like in a thinking of hotels where I always was like, oh, I'm going to find an affordable hotel that, like, happens to be good.

And you cannot trust these photos. Like, you just can't. And a lot of hotels are deceiving. If it's cheap, there's normally a reason. And we go to Puerto Rico and we get there. Yeah, well, that wasn't cheap, though. You're, you're misrepresenting this story. That hotel was actually very expensive.

It wasn't cheap. It was expensive. Yeah, it was one of these boutique hotels. Yeah, it sucked. And it was, like, dark. and I'm like I could have stayed in my New York City apartment if I wanted to be in a dark depressing hole But that wasn't our first vacation

And it wasn't actually that much of a disaster That was just like a first world problem Of not being satisfied with the hotel But we're not picky And like there was like a patio in it But the patio was just dark too And it was so small that you couldn't walk And I think we just went to like a Marriott

That was just we were like we just want a fucking pool We went to Sheraton old town Puerto Rico We had a great thing But that stuff bonds you as people. Like those, I do think vacations with your partner, we always feel closer, whether it went well or not. You're like, oh, we survived some foreign situations together. I would argue that the hotel not working out can either be a bonding experience or the beginning of the end of your marriage. Because you can get in a situation of, why did you pick this fucking hotel?

Why you picked it? You know, because there is a lot of pressure when you picked the hotel. I do have to say there's, the way people are at restaurants and hotels is like a similar vibe where it's like some people walk into a hotel room and be like, I'm not staying here. This is bullshit and complain. And they always get like a nicer place. Same with like food. I've called once and I've been like, hey, is there like a higher floor?

And they're like, no. And I'm like, thank you. Like, but we tried. We tried that time and it didn't work. You have to have a certain time. Like honestly, I'll do it. I'll do it. if I'm going to, if I'm staying for like a week, I'll do it.

If it's one night, I don't give a shit. But if I'm staying for a week, I'm like, I'm not going to be annoyed every time I get in this room. But listen, we got a lot to get through. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. Okay. Let's, we love a poop story. So one time in Cancun, I was sharing a room with my parents and my sister-in-law.

It was very random room assignments, but we were all very close quarters. and I had to use the bathroom like emergency number two situation and I was like I'm not going to go to this shared bathroom I need to go to a different one I'll take the elevator down to the bathroom in the lobby so I go I try to take the elevator but apparently there was like a lightning storm the night before and it like killed the power on half of the hotel so it was too late to go back to the room now I had to find the stairs and run down and it became an emergency situation we were I had to go down so many flights of stairs. I got into the lobby. I tried to go into the bathroom. They were cleaning it. It was rough. I ended up having to find a towel, like for the pool to wrap myself because it

didn't end well. I threw the pants away. It was one of those days. Well, welcome to the Shitting Your Pants Club. I don't really feel like you lived life if you didn't do that. Yeah, but she didn't, she should have just shit in the room. I was going to say, we could have a whole episode about shitting because some people will only poop, like, at home. Some people, you're too respectful. This is family. I get it if it's like second date with a guy. Everybody poops.

I pooped in the green room so, so badly the other day. Poor Grace and Paige. Page almost didn't make it on stage. She was so traumatized. but listen everybody my thing is it's like am i supposed to hold it in and like die for hours because i don't want people to have a temporary bad smell i don't yeah temporary that's the whole thing it's not a big deal light a fucking oh breathe through breathe through your mouth breathe through your mouth get get a mask people are always like like don't check the smell it stinks i do you know that now

I do have to say, I used to be that person that was like, I also don't, I think some people might have like less aggressive poops because some people would be like, just hold it. And I'm like, I can't, I can't hold it. I can't hold. I mean, I could hold pee for so long. I'm not, once it's like turtling out, like, what are you talking about? So. No, got to let it go. You got to let it go. You have to be free. I don't think it's good for your like, for your inner chi to keep it in. I find, especially with like friends or when you. you're stuck on a vacation with people early on be like I poop I'm going to have to poop let's that's awkward let's break the seal right now pooping is a thing no no poop shaming no poop shaming I have been that person that's been afraid to talk about pooping and then you just feel like like shame about yourself early on I'm going to poop you're going to poop we're all going to poop let's all have fun and move on thank you all right this is like a PSA because, well, I'll tell you why in a sec. So one time when I was 14, I went on a road trip with my dad and stepmom and my three younger

siblings and we met up with his family in Colorado in this like little mountain, cute little ghost town and we stayed in the cabins. Well, my cousins and I, after hiking on the mountains all day, decided to drink the downstream river water because it looked so clear and we were so thirsty. Or later that night, after consuming many chili dogs and s'mores, we were shitting our brains out in the rain, in an outhouse because it was an old-ass ghost town that we were staying in, like vintage cabins and shitters. And then on the drive back, we left early because literally all of us were puking and shitting everywhere. My stepmom and dad had to endure all of us farting the most disgusting farts on the drive home. and we pretty much ruined the trip

because we drink probably a bunch of animal feces in the... Yeah, so actually, I didn't mean for the first... It's not all about poop. But the reason why I like this message is because I made the same mistake in the Italian Alps.

Really? Many years ago. Yeah, because it's a beautiful river like... You're so cultured, babe. Raging down and I filled a bottle of water and it was the nicest tasting water like I've ever had and I kept doing it

but one stage I guess I overdid it and I had like literally what this woman had so it's very important even though it just looks like nature's water there can be some like goat shit in there that's going to make you very sick oh it's the goat shit you that's what it is well it's that's what she said and well generally

fecal matter is is what causes the issue but it can also be like fertilizer but here's the truth fertilizer is also just like processed I do have to say the way that I like when I have to poop I have to poop I have to poop I have my friend best friend Becca

she's like that with water like when she's thirsty she's like we have to pull off the highway and get water we're like I cannot drink water for years but some people like they're thirsty they need to drink it but that is a really good warning to not drink beautiful

no it's essential clear wild water and it does taste great It lowers you in Pay $9 for a Fiji Yeah But it is There's a romantic notion Of just drinking the water

I do have to say I recently had This is our last poop thing I had an outhouse experience recently And I was a Tampa Yeah Because we had like an 11 o'clock We were going to see alligators And like

I'm very routine Like I eat I have coffee And around 11 o'clock it's time but like I couldn't poop at the hotel so I was like we're gonna let go and like God so I get there and it's literally just alligators and like this like little if I wouldn't even say an office and I was like do you guys have a bathroom and he's like good luck when a man looks at you and just says good luck so it's it's literally an out it's literally an outhouse it

like an actual outhouse or a port a loo it was a port a potty um right yeah and pay Agent Grace looked at me and I'm like, this isn't a decision. Like, this has to happen. And I felt one with nature. Yeah, but, I mean, those things are disgusting, but like, they're disgusting, but sometimes I'm, I'm very grateful there. I was very grateful. I had, they had some out, some, at least I could wash my hands after. Some hand sanitizer, some, some deep blue water that it plops into, you pray. You pray that you pray that you don't get. a splash. That's what I was. I literally was like, no, no, no. I'm going to have to take a shower. Please, no splash. I actually tried to poop slowly so, because you don't want it to catapult.

Anyway, I'm so sorry. We probably, the plastic, the plastic echoey acoustics of the portapot. Oh my God, I literally had my phone on and I'm like texting a random producer for the show. And it's been transcribing that whole conversation. Oh, my God. Don't send it. That would have been. How do you even explain it? Okay, we're still getting gifts for the boys in our lives, the men in our lives, and what should we get them that isn't just socks? Jack Black's grooming sets are the perfect way to keep my guy fresh and ready for all the festive fun. This pod is sponsored by Jack Black because they offer a full line of men's products for every need

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plus free shipping. That's code 50 burn at FactorMeals.com. slash 50 burn to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping while your subscription is active. All right. Well, here's a special moment, right? Because I don't think we've ever gotten a message from Africa. But here comes one. Hey, Hannah, and days, I am calling you from a country called Ethiopia.

I love the pot. I don't think you've gotten one of these from Africa, let alone Ethiopia, not that I have heard of. Anyways, worst vacation disaster is last year for our anniversary, me and my husband wained to one of the tourist destinations in our country, and part of the tour was going on a lake. It was supposed to be very adventurous, very serene, going on a boat trip on a lake. It wasn't a boat.

It was made of wood. I don't know what the English word for it is, but it was very, very scary, and the lake was full of crocodiles, which was a... the fact that the tour guides laughed about as they told us. And I basically cried in the middle of the lake. The guys were taking pictures of us the whole time, pictures of me in a very serene, beautiful environment where I was supposed to be taking cute pictures.

And I was basically crying, thinking that it was going to capsize. We, she ran out. See, that's the problem with, you know, Africa and I guess the Amazon. You know, you got fucking piranhas and crocodiles. and that's not fun. And then why are they taking photos of her and she's upset? Because I feel like maybe there's not enough regulation

of the tourism industry at the OPEL. These guys just think it's hilarious. But like crocodiles like love eating humans. That's like their thing. Yeah, because I've been on the, I've been on like the wooden rafts in Thailand. Like I went trekking in Chang Mai. And it was fun, man.

You know, you trek through the hills. and you stay with a tribe and you know you do all the touristy stuff but it's cool you feel quite separated from civilization and then the last the last thing you do to get back is you stand on one of these like bamboo rafts on a river and it's fun but it you don't feel super safe I do have to say if I knew if you knew this story no if I knew there was crocodile I wouldn't get on one of those rafts if there was crocodiles my thing is you can't control animals or nature, I only went like scuba diving once when I was younger and my dad and I got like caught in like a sea of barracudas. I was like I don't I don't think this is part of like

you could see the teeth coming out and it scared the shit out of me. It's just you like no matter how much they say it's safe, they're fucking animals you never know. Um, listen, I don't want to rely on my balance that many times in my life for survival. Well, that's why I don't like these fucking like pretty hikes you like to go on that are like on the edge of a cliff and it's like look to water. I'm like, I could look

at it. No. Edge. Okay, for everybody, Hannah is talking about Antib. Okay, she's talking about the south of France. I don't care where it is. If I fall, it's not going to go well. There was 80 year old women walking on this. This is not

a cliff hike that she has talked. I tripled. it takes one little fumble and next thing you know it's one of the great walks in show me a postcard and hannah was like show me a postcard this is a hike i don't need to like i don't understand the high you get from like being like if i jumped i would die i don't need that no but it wasn't even that you're exaggerating somebody is listening to this has been on that beautiful walk and they're like okay hana's it has a fence the whole way it's just not like that it just wasn't like that. But I'm not a fan of using my bounce to survive. And let's face it, I didn't really care. It was a flex that we have an Ethiopian listener. That was basically what that message was about. Her accent

is so beautiful. Yeah. Man, that's, that's, do we have? I mean, I got to think that it's a Giggly squad fan, but that's, that's my first, oh, sorry, I accidentally playing it again. I think that's our first Ethiopian fan, which is very exciting. Sounds like we have to visit. So, well I would love I would love to do I've never been on the continent of Africa so that that's on the list that is on the list okay here we go let's let's this is a two-parter okay so we were going to Puerto Rico um and the day before we were supposed to leave my boyfriend uh went for he's my husband uh went for he's my husband now, but my boyfriend at the time, he went for a trail run like he always does. He's a big trail runner. And apparently nature called while he was out on his trail run, which happens to runners. And he comes back and he's like in a meeting later that day. He's like, oh, something's like not right, quite feeling right. But we fly to Puerto Rico by, he's like getting increasingly

more uncomfortable by the time we get to Puerto Rico his whole ass is on fire we have to call a doctor to come to the hotel room and he had wiped his butt with poison sumac during his trail run and the doctor laughs so sorry this is a two-parter uh which luckily came in together so i was able to get it okay just going to finish the story really quickly so the doctor comes to the hotel room, spreads his cheeks, starts pretty much laughing, like prescribes a medication, we have to go to the pharmacy, and then we have to spend, I have to spend the rest of my vacation helping to apply this medication to his asshole. And that was our vacation to Puerto Rico. Good news is the medication did start to help and make things better. And it was a

a really lovely vacation and we have been married for 17 years. So there you go. I feel like you have to get married after that. I feel like you have to. Like it's like blackmail. You're like, yeah, we're in it. I don't know what more intimacy is, but this must be what it is. I feel like a lot of vacations end up with someone being sick and someone deciding like, do I love this person enough to take care of them or should I go kayaking? But you know, you know what's crazy is that this wasn't even, this was the repercussions of behavior that happened before the vacation.

So that's really annoying. It's like, why'd you ruin our vacation with your stupid fucking trail run? Is that a thing people wipe with leaves? Yes. I mean, I have definitely like wiped my butt with a leaf in my youth.

But in my adulthood, I realized, fuck that. This pair of underwear is surplus to requirement and it's getting used and it's getting discarded. This is outdoorsy shit that is just out of like my repertoire. I know, but listen, because you don't, but this is running

honestly, even like basic, like, even running in the, I have had a lot of emergency. Well, let's be honest. I once knocked, I knocked on a random person's door one. I was just like I had an emergency. That sounds like one of those meat cutts. Like, I was in my house and this guy knocked down the door and was like

I am going to shit myself. I think we did have that. Maybe we had something like that. But also, running's a laxative it's like stand up like the second you you go to run you're like i have to ship myself if you if you are backed up go for a jog and i mean i have a special set of skills i can i can deal with that shit anywhere but we've talked when i it's not all about poop but anyway fair fair play to them for their uh for getting i love a man in a vulnerable state like that i feel like that's when you see his heart that's when you see who he really is

I've actually been to the doctor in Puerto Rico. We had to go for tests, but when I was younger, I fucking... I don't think you should get married until you see a guy maimed. I don't think you should get married until you apply ointment to an asshole. Ointment to an asshole is a... And by the way, a lot of sympathy because I'm prone to the itchy butt. You know, I have very sensitive butthole. And the itchy butt when it like flares up is it's tor.

Like, so I can't imagine the, you know, like the torture that that man was feeling. Because I can't relax when I have like the itchy butt. Like I just literally think life is not worth living. So I can't imagine. Life is worth a living. By the way, if any listeners out there have ever had this, there's a thing called the devil's itch, which in my 20s I started to suffer from. And it is the most torturous feeling.

When you get a really bad sunburn about three days later, your body, your entire body breaks out in the most incredible itching. It feels like thousands of needles on the underside of your skin. Whoever came up with that name. And it is the most horrible. Message in if you've ever experienced

the devil's itch. It happened to me like three times. That's a good name of a stand-up special. The devil's itch. There you go. You can have it. This is kind of serious, but it can't all just be fun.

Hi, Hannah and Des. Love the Pod. This prompt was really made for me. In 2017, we took my family on a trip to the big island of Hawaii to see the Mount Kilauea lava eruption. My husband was really excited to see lava up close and couldn't wait to take us on a boat tour where we could get really close to where the lava was going down into the ocean. We booked a tour, left early, early in the morning, and unfortunately we're on a boat that was hit by a lava bomb, which was an explosion of lava underwater that then shot up

out of the water and rained down on our boat. Many people were injured. And unfortunately, that's all we got. But I was like... Oh my God! We needed a part two on that. I didn't get it. But this reminds me of this one of the most... Actually, one of the most disturbing documentaries I've ever watched were people who were visiting like a not a volcano that's active, but not that I don't

know what the story was. In New Zealand, right? And like everyone fucking died. Yeah. Well, you know that it's a serious story when they're like, like start with the date. Yeah. She was like in 2017. Yeah, she's like Google it. I mean, I again, I'm not fucking with Volcano. Show me a postcard. Show me a postcard. Yeah. I want to tell you about true classic teas. Getting gifted these true classic teas originally by Hannah has been

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with the code burn, B-E-R-N at manscaped.com. All right. I have crazy Bahama boat story, so let's see if it lives up. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Dez. I'm in bed and should be sleeping, but I had to take out my retainer and record this because I just,

I didn't think there would be a prompt that I could relate to, or like had a good story for. So last summer, I wheezed my way into my boss's vacation. I nanny for their three children. And we were on a boat in the Bahamas. And this other boat comes up to us. And they're like, hospital, hospital. It's like these French guys. And this guy is bleeding out.

He got his arm stuck in the boat propeller. And he's like trying not to pass out. They don't know what to do. Everyone's covered in blood. And they get up onto shore and a nurse on our boat like starts belting his arm and stuff. But I'm squeamish. So I'm trying not to pass out and throw up. And also to not let the kids like look at this traumatizing thing.

And I don't know if the guy lived or not. But yeah, that's my story. Thanks. Love you. Bye. My God. I didn't realize I was going for too intense ones in it wrong. Someone's like both.

They're both on a boat. Does anyone have a beat of collada? Sorry, it's not funny, by the way. But there's a sort of a humor in getting these stories on a comedy podcast. You go to the Bahamas for the most relaxing vacation. You just never know what's going to happen. Someone's arm gets sawed off. Yeah, well, hopefully the guy lived, but it is mad when you end up.

It's like a war story. Yeah, yeah, sorry about that, everybody. Trigger warning. It is a trigger warning sorry If you've ever had any Propeller stories Because that is always like It was always like a fear when I was a kid

Like getting stuck in a propeller Anyway And that's the thing you gotta be careful with When you're swimming on boats Yeah So another That's a PSA You can get sucked in

I don't fuck with boats I've had like bad I always would flip on it Or I have bad boat luck Hannah what we're learning about you Is you fuck with very little This is like the fifth time

I just like my feet on the ground. Like anything involving my feet on the ground, like I'll do any sports. I don't like once you're in the water. I don't know. You lose me. Yeah. All right, I got to find a lighthearted one. I didn't, I didn't mean to, oh, here's a Hooters story. That's got to be, that's got to be light. I said odd, though. I'm worried now. She lost a boob and a propeller. I'm worried now that it says odd Hooters story. I hope this is okay. So for my 24, First, I was working at Hooters and one of the regulars decided that he would take me to Miami for my birthday.

And so at this time, I was prescribed a lot of Xanax. And so I loved my Tito's and vodka. Well, my Titos and lemonade. And the first day there, we were on the beach. I completely knocked out as one would under those circumstances. and so when he tried to wake me up I started screaming at the top of my lungs remember I was 21 and I was like leave me alone and everybody looked at him like he was crazy and trying to kidnap me and so he just left me there as probably I would have to anyways woke up to the cabana boy being like it's time to go beach is closing and that was the worst sunburn of my life no story has a happy ending when it starts with I was 21 I was working at Hooters and one of the regulars took me to Miami I mean honestly I mean it really ends up being a kind of a happy

I do just say I feel like that was the best possible scenario of what could happen she got a great nap he he she didn't let him near her and she got a free flight to Miami I think a win is a win Can you imagine this guy, right? Who's just like, obviously, you know, he's like trying to show off. He brings a hot 21-year-old down to Miami. She passes out. And when she wakes up, she's like, get off, man. And he's like, oh, my God, no.

Look, he got what he deserved. And I hope she got some much needed rest. Well, she got a bad sunburn. Oh, yeah, hopefully she didn't get the devil's itch. But at least... You got to be careful. That's another PSA. Like I know sometimes

Like you get There's something like romantically alluring About the sort of the rich man That just wants to take you on like a free vacation But it's never a good idea Have you, have you tried it? No, I'm saying Has a rich man asked you to go on vacation?

No No Actually No, I do think It's the kind of thing that like You're like Oh, that'll be a fun story Not worth it

yeah it's not worth it for the story you know unless you unless it's like a crew of you then i guess it's okay but still even a crew you're not safe you're not safe because nothing in life is free but the zanax and vodka combo at 21 is also not a great you know that's that's something separate that could uh could be dealt with uh all right let's go with this hi hannah hi does um i accidentally crashed the rental car on vacation more than one time and one trip we were in Germany it was a like station wagon so it was really long and I accidentally ended up in a ditch at one point and then we got pulled out of the ditch by a nice man who did not speak English and then we were driving and my aunt decided that she was about to shit her pants so she told me I need to hurry up and find her a place to go to the bathroom and she accidentally had me turn into oncoming traffic so I had to hurry up and turn off of the road I was on and there was like a giant boulder so I scratched the side of the car and something's telling me I crashed again that's all I can remember

she is me she is me if I got my driver this is not the level of focus required for driving in another country by the way I want to point out when she says I accidentally crash the car there's no other way to crash the car purposely crashing the car is a very rare I do have to say you're not going to get this reference

but she sounds exactly like this influencer Nara Smith I think it's her she's the trad wife who's always like me and my husband lucky he got hungry for some homemade hot dogs so I went and started kneading the bread from scratch she sounded just like her um this is hilarious because I don't know how I don't have a driver's license but if I did I'm so impressed by people who just jump into like a new car in a new place and then you're doing it with like with the roads changing in Europe or like somewhere in the Caribbean the first time I ever went to I think was Barbados I was with my tennis coach and he jumps in the car

and he's in the driver's seat and he's turning around talking to me while we're on a windy like cliff road and I literally was like watch the road and he's like I'm not drive it's the wrong driver's seat I've never been more scared in my life I've never been more scared in my fucking life

you didn't realize he wasn't that was the scariest never happened to me because no one told me I'm like 14 year old in Barbados and I'm like who's driving this car British British colony wait that's actually hilarious but like honestly like so relatable. I feel like that's what I would do. But after you, you crash it like two or three

times, it's, you're the problem for sure. But some of these places have weird roundabouts and people are drunk driving and these vacations. It's crazy. No, accidents happen. But when they consistently happen, it's more on you, you know? I've talked about it before. But, you know, I crashed the car 2012 in Perth, Western Australia. I fell asleep. And I crashed into a tree. but the cops showed up pretty quick because they just happened to be passing and they were very funny which was surprised because I told them I was a comedian

and one of the jokes they made this is literally like an accident every airbag is opened I was fine thank God you were fine so he's yeah so but I totaled like the car was totally how fast were you going so anyway I wasn't going fast at all I was asleep

yeah so I just very off the road and slammed into a tree. So, um, anyway, uh, the cop, one of, of numerous funny things that he did, the cop, uh, opens the trunk. He's like looking for something. And he finds the damage report, you know what you, that you get when you get the car and there's usually like one or two small circles. And the cop goes, I think you need to add a couple of circles, which I thought was a pretty good line from a, from a cop on a, on a crash. These are funny. So shout out to the Western Australian cops and shout out to Avis

who actually were assholes after that and they treated me like shit and have put me on the no drive list since then I can't rent with Avis because of the accent that's so funny

when we first got together I remember you being like just under your breath you're like I'm not allowed to drive with Avis and in my head I was like what did he do that I don't know about him

that a whole company's banned him like his face is up in every fucking you know office but yeah that's that's well actually you that story was a little more complicated because it was actually for your brother's wedding yeah we arrived at chicago o'hare airport and the last time i had rented with avis they said you can't rent with avis for five years so that had been a long time it passed so i assumed the embargo was up and when we went to get the car that day they were like

sorry we can't rent to you you have a no drive with avis and then there was no cars anyway we had to get an uber to like a random a middle of nowhere city in Indiana, the only Hertz car that we could get. So we had a car for your brother's wedding. If anyone's listening, you work for Avis, can you please let my husband drive? Because I can't drive. And we can't be stuck in that situation in Indiana ever again. It's fine. I'm a Hertz gold member. We're fine. No, but could you see, like, you didn't have enough time to explain it to me? And you were just like, oh, I'm on the no drive list. And I was just like, what the fuck did he do? There's, there's, there's a cartel. You know,

know like all the companies have like three or four actual companies so i can't drive with avis and i i think i think avis is avis budget and one of so there's actually a few of them that are like i i'm i'm sneakily not covered with but anyway that's uh that's neither here nor there i did fall asleep though so that's that's on me uh let's do one more i'll give you some choices so we have kid ski story passport stolen or fell in venice canal that's your choice let me do kids ski because interesting i wouldn't have thought you'd go for that i'm nervous and fall in venice canal i think it speaks for itself okay now i'm going to do both of them but we'll do kids ski story first hi hannah and does um disaster vacation story when i was five my mom my sister and

I went skiing with my cousins and my aunt. I insisted on using poles, even though I was five years old, and they told us, you know, kids don't usually use the poles. But I insisted because I had really bad hand eye, and I still do. And I thought it would help me push off more. Well, poked myself in both eyes with the poles and gave myself a double black eye. And of course, I didn't know what I had done, and I fell on the floor, well, in the snow, like, bleeding and crying, and I had to be pulled away by the little jet ski ambulances, and I ruined skiing for my mom and my sister and I. So, yeah, that was that. I haven't been skiing. She gave herself two black eyes.

But you know what? It's so funny because another PSA, you really don't need the poles for ages. And I remember when you were learning, you were like, give me the poles. but I was like, no, you're better without the polls. The polls just add another element. In fact, your injury was because of the pole. Yeah, because I was holding the pole. Yeah.

Poles are overrated, actually. I mean, the fact that you didn't get thousands and thousands of ski messages is beyond me. There was a few, but I didn't pick them because we've gone so hard on ski accidents because, you know, because of my own. But PSA, polls are overrated. You know, free yourself from the pole. defund the polls It sounds like a Chris Rockbitt You don't want your daughter to end up on a pole

So anyway Let's do the Fall in Venice Canal Just because I don't want to leave everyone with the curiosity I don't know if it's as much of a disaster Or it's just pretty funny But after some wine Not even too much wine honestly But I was in Venice

And my friend We were leaving Italy that day after We're studying abroad and she wanted to touch the Venice water before we left, I guess. She wanted to jump in, and her other friend with a better head on her shoulders said no, but that we could go touch the water. And as we're running, they go touch the water, I yell back at her. It's going to be slippery.

There's probably moss. And as I'm yelling back, I slip on the moss. I fall right into the Grand Canal of Venice. My shoes fly off. They're floating down the canal. I have my phone held above water wondering, do I save the phone or the shoes. I end up saving the phone obviously my shoes

floating away I hop out my dress as turned see-through because of the water and I walk through Venice shoeless with a see-through dress into my hostel through the hostel bar

yeah wait why did I immediately think this could be a meat cute where like some hot Italian man is like I found your shoe I found your shoe very millennial Gen Z. Save the fucking phone.

Save the phone. That's one of these corny Netflix holiday movies. Yeah, but you know, it's funny because she was trying to, she was trying to be the safe one and then she fucking slipped on the moss. Anyway, that's really it. I mean, yeah. Those are some amazing stories, but hopefully all of you guys

can take some time to relax, even for a couple days with family. We'll play out some more. Des, do you have any shows coming up? Oh my God. Thank you, Hannah, for asking. You know, I've done a few pods recently, and they all do the promo at the start, and we always forget to do it.

Giggly Squad, we've never remembered to promote anything up top. Yeah. So I'm in Boston, the 27th and the 28th. And, well, no, this won't be up tonight. But just in case it's up tonight, very few tickets left from my Seattle Late Show. And then I'll be in Minnesota, Greenville, South Carolina, Charlotte, or Greenville, whatever, Carolina.

actually, sorry for my ignorance there. It might be North Carolina and Charlotte and others go on my website. I have Maryland coming up and Irvine, Alabama, some other stuff. Check out my website. New material shows, right? We love you guys so much. Thank you for calling in. And we'll talk soon.

Bye. Hey, Hannah, hey, Des, my vacation disaster story is I went to Mexico an all-inclusive resort for my 30th birthday, and something was just feeling a little bit off. My period was late, so I ended up taking a pregnancy test in Mexico. And it was positive. So, happy birthday, I guess, and no more drinking. So I'm a lesbian and I'm 42, but I don't look like it. So my mom convinced me to go on a vacation with her to a five-star resort. I hated it.

It was a lot of families and older people. So all the teenage and young guys staff that were there were obsessed with me. so I would just be like alone trying to swim they'd be like hey what are you doing come to a dance class and I'd be like no no thank you hey aqua fit excuse me lady where are you going I'd be on the beach guys would sit down next to me who worked at the hotel are you here alone where's your husband where's your family I was telling people I was married with a child just like cosplaying married tired straight woman who missed her kids it was horrible my husband and i met in costalika we're both solo travelers i was traveling all the way down from mexico to argentina

i weren't from he's from the states we hear off really well it was a slow burn but that kind of slow burn that only happens when you find your person so of course it freaked me out so after a few weeks i was like look i don't care how much you look like a young leo diCaprio you're going home this is freak me out. I'm on my journey. So anyway, cut to a few months later. We found ourselves missing each other too much. So we decided to meet in Peru. Canada, Peru is a country in South America. The have alpacas. Look it up. It's great. So he arrives there. We go rock climbing the first day because we wanted to do something fun. The problem is that I have never climbed in English. He had never climbed in Spanish. So communication was a problem. Long story short,

he falls. And as he's falling, I grab the ropes to stop him from dying, basically. And I burn my hands so much. He was unharmed, but my hands were done, and we were in the middle of nowhere. The next few weeks, my hands were mittens, basically, with bandages and all, and I got my period. So that's how we started.