Berner Phone - Berner Phone #70: Life’s Quandaries

Episode Date: December 22, 2024

It's the holiday season and the dialers were in need of some advice, so we delivered. Lines are being blurred in open relationships, some in-laws just won't take the hint, and our resident cat expert is sharing some knowledge. 

Hey guys, I love Zoc Doc. So as somebody who was late to the American health care game after spending most of my adult life in Ireland, I was mesmerized, maybe not even mesmerized, totally confused on how I could find the right doctor that accepts my insurance. Zoc Doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors,

choose the right one for your needs, and click to instantly book an update. appointment. This has been huge for me. You know, back, I think it was around June this year, I had a problem with my neck, and I was actually not in the city where I find it normally easier to find a doctor with my insurance. Went on Zoc Doc, put in my insurance. They gave me a list of doctors, and I used that doctor all throughout the summer and got, you know, some pretty serious injections for my neck, all organized through Zoc Doc originally. So I am a 100% user and 100% promoter of Zock Dock.

Zock appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 hours to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments. So stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zock.com slash burner to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-D-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash burner, B-E-R-N-E-R, Zocdoc.com slash burner. Hi, it's Hannah Burner And Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone

If you leave a message after the tone We may have to make it into a podcast Hi, my little dialies Dilees Wow So hip-hop today I was feeling cutesy We are reporting live from

Turks and Kekos What is it? Providenciales? Providenciales. Or Coburn town. Providenciakles. We finally got away after everything. We did.

Because we told you last week we weren't going, but then we did actually manage to sneak four days. Whenever you think you know what we're going to do, there's a new update on the next pod. We're keeping you on your toes. We made it to Turks. We're here for like four days basically before the holiday. Looking out at the beautiful Caribbean here, turquoise, blue waters. And we're happy. We are happy. We're happy. And we're doing one of my favorite types of episodes.

I like the advice apps. You like the advice apps. I like keep a general. What do people need help with? Let me give you my very unprofessional slash probably not appropriate advice. And you missed the last one. That was one of your weeks off where Joanne McNally did it. And well, this one actually, let me explain how this one came about. somebody has dialed in to ask if they were the reason and uh it kind of is what was the reason i'll i'll play it here what was the reason hi hannah and des okay so i'm one million percent the

reason why you guys did this topic this week which is so funny and i actually don't really have anything to call it about but i just wanted to tell hannah that something just made me laugh so much is that so i did dm does because i figured i would get through to him first because you're like a little more famous than him no offense um and i like was so nice i was like oh my god hi des like like you guys you and hannah should totally do life advice like smiley face all this stuff and he just responds cool period we do that sometimes not me like being like wait is des mad at you so you're definitely right when you say that he is like a very dry texter because i just thought that was really funny i was like scared

Okay, but love you guys. I can't wait to hear what people call in about. I was literally letting her know that it was a great suggestion. Okay. I love that the little dialers. Well, that's a giggler thing. You're obviously, you must be talking on Giggly Squad that I'm a dry text. I think at one point, well, you text like... Matter of fact.

An older man. You have punctuation. Yeah. You've punctuation, and that's scary for gigglers. Like, that is literally an attack on a... scary. It's an attack on our culture. It ruins our day. It's so funny because I'll tell you things and you're like, whoa, what are you talking about? This girl literally thought that you were like coming for her life by responding to her like that. Do you want to apologize?

Excuse me. I am not apologizing for punctuation. I will not be, I will not be shamed by the lower generations that, you know, there's been an evolution in language. If you don't put an LOL at the end of it, it means you're mad. Listen, you don't tell a Shakespeare production to stop saying zounds, because zounds is no longer in the common lexicon. I use punctuation, and I will not be shamed off it. I'm obsessed that she's like, so I'm in a fight with does now. No, she was, I mean, I'm playing it literally to let her know that I wasn't man.

I know what she said you should do that and you wrote cool, period. we do that sometimes where she read it as cool. Yeah, we do that. Why are you telling me? I know. I think she read it as like,

I know. Yes, like cool, good one. Because you wrote cool, period. Cool period means cool. Because it's a sentence. It doesn't mean cool. It's a sentence. You should have said,

Awesome, dash, definitely will do it soon. Okay, well, here we are doing it. Which is better? Like, getting upset about my dumb punctual, my act, sorry, not dumb, correct punctuation, or actually playing the message. Is cool period a sentence? No. If you put one word with a period, it's a quick response. It's curt, it's mean, it's angry. Cool is not, cool is a positive word. If you said cool, if you're

if you're taking, listen, I, I don't have to defend myself here. I'm very content that I gave her a quick response because I wanted to register that it was noted that it was a good suggestion, a reminder to do an advice episode. No, you're not in the wrong, babe. Well, then. You're the problem. I am not the problem. The problem is that punctuation came under attack from your generation. You're, for whatever reason, your generation decided to be anti-punctuation. It was T-9. It wasn't our fault. Okay. You're going to blame technology? Yeah. Okay. Because the way we communicated had to change based on what we were communicating

with. But coincidentally enough, I live through the T9 generation. Yeah, but you had already developed grammar. It didn't affect my ability to double tap. I started T9 at 14. The thing is what periods is you double tap the space. Are you talking about

women's ovaries right now? Hannah, you double tap the space bar and it creates a period or a full stop for the Irish. And it's so easy to do that. Do you see how cool, period, it sounds. It doesn't

bother me in the slightest because she got a great message out of it, and here we are doing the actual thing that she said. Okay? Cool. Period. Let's move on. I'm not

going to give in to this you know, this anti-grammer. Do you want to plug any shows before we start? Oh, yeah. I'm going to be in... I'll go first. Well, I'm going to be in Boston. That's the big one.

Boston, 27th, 28th. The early shows are sold out, but we want to get those late ones sold out too. Yeah. And then I'm in Charlotte, Greenville, South Carolina, and then I'm in Minneapolis before I go on a full two-month tour of Ireland. Nice.

I have Irvine coming up. I believe I have Maryland. Magubis Magubis? Yeah, I'm going to Magubis. And I have Alabama and somewhere else. And Gigli Squad just announced more shows like Nashville, Salt Lake City,

so get out there. Go get them. So let's get into it. Oh, you know what? I'm going to start with this one because I learned something from this one that I think people need to know. Hi guys, happy holidays. I'm just wondering if you have any advice on what to do with crazy in laws who want to kiss your newborn child and you're asking them not to.

But they feel like they can't bond with the child if they are not able to kiss them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated for this crazy nonsense. Thanks. Bye. So do you have any thoughts before I get into it? What's your initial thought? initial thoughts first of all whenever the only newborn we've dealt with is my brother who sorry you mean together together yeah and genie's the mom it's genie's rules if she says hannah wash your hands i wash my hands if she says ooh don't do that she's whatever it's

she's the mom but also the whole bonding thing the only one that has the bond is the mother otherwise like you're there and you're connecting with the baby but you no need to kiss the baby no I mean no yeah so my initial response when I heard this was like what's the big deal why is she making such a big deal out of it but then I said let me check because I bet you there's a reason and it turns out that it's it's really

unhealthy to have like everybody kissing the baby because they haven't developed immunity to a load of things that you know we have immunity to and there was some study what I saw was a British website but there's a study that like 54% of people are like don't want to tell their relations not to kiss the baby and obviously people don't know that it's an issue politicians love kissing babies and then also coincidentally enough because you mentioned about washing the hands a more than half of parents feel uncomfortable telling people can you wash the hands before you hold the baby well shout out to Jeannie because she's always been well she's a nerd. She's a nurse, so she knows. So she knows, and whatever she says, I don't take it, like, personally.

I'm like, oh, she knows what she's talking about. And also, like, how bad would you feel if you got the infant sick? Like, it's kind of like, but I'm also, like, I don't assume I can pet people's dogs. I don't touch people's pregnant bellies. Like, but the whole thing of they need to bond with the baby through kissing the baby is not a thing. No, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Bond with the baby by babysitting it, put on your lap, and throughout its life be there for it.

But I think it's probably easier to just go, you know what? It's been proven that it's better to let the baby grow up a bit before you start kissing it because they don't have immunity to a lot of the things that you might have. Because I didn't know that, but it makes a lot of sense. I know that there's a whole school of thought out there about like, we grew up back in the day and we didn't have all these things that we were fine. And I think in certain aspects of development, that may be true. But for newborns, you know, same as, like, why do you not let dogs go to the dog park

until they get all their vaccination? There's just, there's a time to be exposed to that many germs. How many kisses are they trying to give? Yeah, well, I'm, I'm assuming that they're, like, Italian. I mean, I don't know why. You know, I'm assuming like Italian or Greek that there's like, you know, there's this need to kiss. you know I don't know though

you're saying it's not an Irish family oh it's definitely not an Irish family why should we teach them something to expect which they won't be getting when they're older I can tell you that no I can tell you that no don't be getting too close to the baby now they'll be getting them used to affection

there's no need for that no come on she's like I want to put the baby's head in my mouth and it's like can you please not yeah yeah so anyway PSA it's actually not great to kiss I think if they're going to come at you with like, I can't bond with the baby if I'm not kissing,

then it's time to bring out the facts and say, okay, if that's your argument, let's see if that's true. And it's going to say you don't need to kiss a baby to bond with it. Also, the only bonding that truly matters probably right now is the mom. I don't know these things, but Google it. The pandemic has been a disaster for society in so many ways. But I think one of the good things about the pandemic is

it definitely made people more aware of just general hygiene. and I think that people are less inclined to get offended now if you say, can you wash your hands before picking up the baby? Honestly, these days, I would never go near a baby until I wash my hands. I don't even need to be told. I'm saying, like, hey, I'm going to wash my hands so I can hold a baby.

I feel rude if I forget to wash my hands. Like, you know? Now, listen, they get to a certain age. It's not an issue because they get to a certain age and they're like, shit's falling on the floor and they're putting it in their mouth. They get to certain age. They're getting you sick.

It's the newborn. They're getting you. Oh, yeah, these little vectors, these little disease carriers. But also this sounds like a deeper issue of, like, control where, like, the in-laws are, like, don't tell me what to do with my grandson. Which makes me think that they're more likely to be Italian than before. Wait, so there's this video going around online, which I don't know if it's staged or not. It's like a, I think it's a southern family where they do a gender reveal. and it's a girl, and the mom starts yelling and runs and, like, jumps on top of her son and is, like, kissing him, and he can't even, like, congratulate his wife.

I saw that. I felt like that was fake. I feel like it was fake, because then the girl on camera, like, goes up to the mom and was like, why would you take away a moment? Yeah, yeah, I thought that was fake. I think it's for sure fake, but, of course, it got, like, 5 million views. Yeah, but I do think that it, the reason why it's so popular is it represents, listen, since the dawn of time, one of the great clashes is the mother-in-law and the wife. You know? Obviously, some people got to reprieve from that, but the mother-in-law and the wife is just one of those great clashes because, you know, they just, I don't know. And I think it's totally fine. Well, it's like the mom raised this boy to be a man.

and then they see, I guess, a new mom come in. But there's so many different situations. I honestly have always got along with the mother-in-law more than the son. Like, I've always gone to the... These are just with boyfriends. This isn't like when you're really involved in their life. True. I mean, I've been pretty involved with some of these boys' lives,

and it's me and the mom sitting down being like, where did we go wrong? But, you know, like, I think for some reason, mothers feel like their boys are being taken away from them. Yeah. You know? That's a certain kind of relationship. I do feel like a lot of the time I would meet moms where like me and her understood each other and she was happy to have a girl in the house like I've I've dated some guys who are brothers and when I get in the house the mom cannot get enough of me and feeling heard and feeling seen and we just gossip and make fun I know but I think I think what a trigger for some moms I think is when like they're really like living their lives together and making decisions about their lives and suddenly the mother's like wait I'm not involved. in this anymore?

Yes. I think that can be difficult. Yes. It's understandable. Now, the mother doesn't have a right to, like, overly get involved, but I can, I can have a sympathy. No, I've definitely seen some weddings where you're like, are you sure the mom doesn't want to marry her son? Yeah. But then there's also the Oedipus complex where...

Yeah, but, you know, that's just, you know, I... That, I feel, is exaggerated, the whole Oedipus thing, but obviously it still haunts us. How do you feel about gender reveals? I think they're tacky. God forgive me I've become a snob in my older life I think gender reveals are tacky and I prefer

single colored lights at Christmas I liked multi-colored lights when I was a kid but now now I feel like I feel like it has to be like white all white lighting okay I agree with you I don't know how we got here

but I'm just talking about like things it's what about me and you let's say we have a baby and, you know, someone makes a cake and we're alone, we don't film it, and we cut the cake. There's no need for a gender reveal. That's just not a thing.

You know? The gender reveal used to be your vagina is wide open. You've just pooped out a baby, and it's like, oh, it's a boy. You know, now we know in advance, but it doesn't, it doesn't, I don't think it needs to be.

Do you want to know it at advance? I'm very happy knowing in advance. It's very practical. But you like the gender reveal of the doctor being like, See that... No, I like the gender field being... Like, just say, hypothetically,

we're having a gender, that we're at the doctor and they say, it's a boy, right? That's us. Then we call your mother and father, we say, it's a boy. And then randomly throughout life, throughout the following six months

when I meet somebody and say, do you know the gender? I'll say, yeah, it's a boy. I don't... Period. It's a boy, period. It's what we expected because 80% of my siblings...

People are trying to... to romanticize certain moments of their life. I don't love the filming and posting it online. Yeah. Or like hitting a golf ball and it's fucking pink. No. I mean, I think we have to do that. No. Not to film it. I'm not going to be there. Listen, I'm trash from Queens, but I have evolved

out of my trashy upbringing and I will not be involved with such classless. Are trashy. I mean, this is a heavy judgment. Now, half our listeners are feeling offended right. could you empathize that like it's fun for a couple to like make a moment out of it and be like a hundred percent you know a hundred percent the same way that it's fun to go to an all-inclusive a fucking tacky resort and get hammered but it's just not my jam are you're saying gender

reveals are like cruises basically this is bad I by the way guys we're just joking I don't want to I'm not really a snob, but honestly, I literally feel like Carnival should change their name to pink blue cruises, pink slash view cruises, period. I do think in the future, the boy girl, gender reveal is also going to not be a thing. I don't think so. Actually, I think it's going the other way. I think. Or maybe it's going to get more popular. Yeah, it's going to be like more, yeah, because it's like more of like a statement. Yeah. But also, I think it's funny to watch gender. reveals when you could tell one of them is like a little disappointed.

Yeah. Well, especially if it's like your third kid and you wanted a girl or boy. Actually, that happened with Kylie Kelsey. Jason Kelsey, Kylie Kelsey, they have three daughters and they did a gender reveal for another child and it was a girl and one of the daughters started sobbing

because she wanted a brother. Oh. Come on. We love an open relationship crisis. Love. Let's get one. We have a lot. A lot of good ones, by the way. Hey, Hannah, hey, Des, big fan. I'm calling in for a little piece of advice. I have been in an open relationship for a little over a year,

and I have been consistently sleeping with the same guy for the last year. And I recently found out that he has had a girlfriend for the past 10 months or so, and I confirm that she does not know. I'm curious if you would try to find her and tell her, or if you would just... So I... She didn't make it perfectly clear, but I think she's in an open relationship,

but she's been sleeping with another guy for a year. Is what I took from that. Oh, no, this... So what I took from it was that she's in an open relationship with this guy, but that she's only been sleeping with him, but he's had another girlfriend who I'm assuming doesn't know

that he's in an open relationship. And my take is that normally in an open relationship, it's like full disclosure. Yeah. And I feel like she thinks this woman hasn't been disclosed. I think we're too prude to answer this question. Wait, I didn't take it as that. I took it as she's in an open relationship, but she's been sleeping with another guy for a year. Which is why she laughed after she said, I've been sleeping with a guy for a year.

But what would that have to? Let's listen one more time. And that other guy has a girlfriend. All right, just hold on. Hey, Hannah, hey, Des, big fan. I'm calling in for a little piece of advice. I have been in an open relationship for a little over a year, and I have been consistently sleeping with the same guy for the last year.

And I recently found out that he has had a girlfriend for the past 10 months or so, and I confirm that she does not know. I'm curious if you would try to find her and tell her or if you would just... Okay, maybe you're right because she's been with the same guy. Yeah. So that's the guy she's with.

And I think that he has been sleeping with somebody else for 10 months, which isn't a problem for them. But it's a problem because she thinks the other girl doesn't know that he's in an open relationship. That's what I think the dilemma is. This is so above my paygrine. I mean... Well, I think

if it's what we're saying then I think she needs to say to the guy do you think it's cool that she doesn't know that you have an open relationship with somebody else? Yeah, well, you don't want to ever be with someone who's deceptive. Yeah, and I know that she probably feels like he's not being deceptive to her. Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

But I also don't know why she thinks she doesn't know. One thing I've learned in relationships, I don't care if in this moment he's being great to you, whatever he's done to other people he will do to you and he's capable of doing to you. But they're in an open relationship so that...

But I'm saying that he's being deceptive to the other girl so he can be deceptive in another way to her. Yeah, I think this is my very limited experience advice. Yeah, this is above our page. Zero experience. But I find them

fascinating. That's why I wanted to play. One, I think you need to message Dan Savage because he seems to be a lot more in the know about these types of things. But I would think before you contact, you need to clarify with him that it's definitely that she doesn't know. And then I also think you need to say to him, like, listen, like, I think it's not fair for you to be having a relationship with somebody that doesn't know that you're also in an open relationship. And then see where it goes from there. Yeah, it's very interesting because it's like he's not an open relationship. If he's in a

closed relationship with someone that he's just cheating on her. her with. Like, I don't know, I don't know what gets people even to start the open relationship, but I assume that there's some rules are being broken here. But also, if you're going to fuck the same guy for a year, not to be, this is just asking a question. Then why, why are you in an open relationship? You're not taking advantage of being in an open relationship. That's why I thought that this was just like another guy that she's been hooking up with for a year. But, yeah, so two bits of advice. You need the guy to come clean about exactly what's going on and then you can say to him listen i'm going to tell her because we're in a

full disclosure thing and you got to start fucking somebody else what's the point of being in an open relationship i guess also an open relationship can also be this mental thing where it's like you are committed to this person but if you want to fool around you can and a lot of people maybe don't but they like the option than they can you know what you mean like it's more of a mental freedom than actual physical freedom. And sometimes with that freedom, you realize, like, oh, I'm happy in this. Yeah, there's levels to it for sure. All right.

Let's go with one light one, and then we'll, because I've got a few heavy ones too, which you know, we can mix it up. Hi, hello. The advice that I absolutely need is I just moved in with my boyfriend and the boy, he's fine. But I'm stressed about the cat. I feel like his cat of 15 years hates me, and I've never lived with the cat. So less stressed about the boy, more about the cat. Thank you. Bye-bye. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to, you've called the right hotline. Hannah has gone from having no idea what's going on to being very skilled.

Okay. My first thing to tell you, she does hate you. The cat does hate you. Did you gender the cat? I did gender the cat. I don't know why. I took it as a woman, a woman, crime moment. The cat does hate you, but this is just the beginning of your relationship with this cat. Cats are more like humans. Imagine if you moved in to a place where she had this relationship or he had this relationship with this cat or with the man. I'm sorry short, respect the relationship that the cat has and you are a newcomer and you will slowly earn the trust from this cat.

spend some alone time with the cat where you're quiet you're playing with the cat try to feed the cat take moments where you can pet the cat alone if anyone can talk about this it's actually Des because Dez came into

a place Butter didn't mess with you in the beginning did she Well butter doesn't mess with anybody at the beginning Butter is an emotionally traumatized cat kind of a one person cat but you know slowly eventually butter got comfortable but here's here's my this is my advice a 15 year old cat i'm going to assume the cat's a man so basically what you've done is you've moved

in with a boy and his crabby old widowed grandfather who's just like who is this woman coming into my house i just want to watch jeopardy so i think what you need to do is just like try to ignore the cat if the cat eventually comes around to you great but actually just like pretend the cat's not there. And here's the thing, this is the harsh reality of a 15-year-old cat. You don't have that long to worry about that cat. I got, I got like minimum 12 years to worry about butter. Cats can live

to like 20. Yeah. So I would say, if the cat slowly comes around to you, great. But I personally don't think you should put in that much effort with the cat. Well, the other thing about cats is they do like when you ignore them. Like, if you keep trying to come up to it and bother

it, it could get pissed off. But let this cat smell your finger smell your finger let it smile your finger walk away yeah smell your finger walk away give it some ear wax look look away let it smell your finger don't make eye contact it's and know that even if it seems like the cat

hates you over time the cat could be purring in your lap it's just cats need to earn your trust yes also like even the cat's hissing at you like hissing is pretty normal cat behavior like it's as aggressive as it seems it's more they're scared but it seems like they're going to attack you they're just scared they're just like can you please step back yeah um but i love that he has a cat that's a real green flag guys who like cats um a 15 year old cat like poor keith hernandez who lost his car oh it means that he can have a long-term relationship it means that he

knows about consent it means that he's emotionally intelligent men with cats are 10 out of 10 in my in my book. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. So I want to talk to you about Mint Mobile? Mint Mobile? Mint Mobile, however you say it with big wireless providers what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between

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What do you do if you have a sibling who has complained about their significant other in kind of a bad way, more of like airing their dirty laundry? and they quote-unquote worked things out. Honestly, I have a bad taste in my mouth and now we're heading into the holidays and I have to see this person and just wondering how you would go about that when, you know, you learn this information from your sibling and they're really upset, but then you have to see them and kind of go about your holidays and your day. Look forward to hearing what you guys have to say. Love you both. Bye. I feel like that's a common dilemma. I was going to say, I think this is so common.

what I would try to mentally focus on is that they're reaching out to you in the heat of the moment with kind of like their bias and they're talking shit and they're venting and that you're still only hearing one side of the story

so try to tell yourself that it's more nuanced than like what you're hearing obviously if it's like he's hitting me or he's you know controlling and emotionally abusing me that that is and that does happen wasn't it Wasn't she saying that her brother?

Oh, is it her brother? Yeah, didn't she say her brother? It's hard because it's so general and it can go from like, honestly, whenever my friends complain about their significant others, no matter how little or big it is, I'm always like break up with them. Yeah, I'm always like, fuck that. They're like, well, I'm assuming they're married. I just, I don't know why I assume brother, but.

I don't know if they're married. She just said significant other. I shouldn't say, like, wife or husband. I do think it's hard, but it's also, like, clearly, you know, it sounds like you have a child on your hip. There's more battles to fight. But if it becomes a pattern where, like, every couple months you have to deal with this, it's like, look, either do something about it or don't,

because I'm going to get too invested in it, and it's going to cause a riff. Yeah, I just think this is one of these things where, like, if somebody has decided to work it out, we don't know the level, so just on a neutral kind of like scale of one to ten it's like a five if somebody's decided to work it out it's very hard because we've all been in situations where we have a friend maybe they break up with somebody they tell you how much of a fucking horrible person they are then they get back together you have to swallow

all that but at the same time you know like people do get upset in the heat of battle and it shouldn't be something that you hold on to obviously as you said if it's something like next level then you really have to keep an eye on it. But I do think for the holidays, you have to just find a way to get past it because they did. Yeah, well, this is the thing.

Yeah, they did. And also, like, they're going to love each other, right? So if you get involved, they don't, their singer-brother doesn't love you like that. So, like, I've made mistakes, like, in college where I've been talking to my best friend about someone they're with and we're venting and I'm agreeing with them and I'm leaning in

and I'm like, yeah, fuck that, whatever. And then they make up, but then they tell each other what I was saying and then I'm suddenly the bad guy. We've all been there. I was literally, I was going to agree with anything you said. I was just having your bag in that moment. So I'm just thinking of so many times.

Could you tell you, brother? I can talk to whoever I want. I don't give a fuck who you tell about me. But the truth is at the end of the day, they want you there for them, whether it's through the ups and downs and no relationship is perfect. and out of context you could take a scenario

and someone could look really fucking bad when that's not the full picture so I would try to let this one go because they let it go and if they're not stressed you shouldn't be stressed yeah and if you end up in a long-term pattern of behavior that's like another conversation

but know that you're not alone and this is very very very very common I mean everyone needs someone to vent about their relationship and then, like, there will be judgments, you know, and there'll be times where you don't talk for a while. It's all normal. It's all just part of being in a family, you know? Okay, can we do a very lighthearted one? Yes.

This is ridiculous. Yes. This one is ridiculous. Hi, Hannah and Des. Love you guys. I want some advice on how to stop comparing Des to my boyfriend. um listening to this podcast is hard because you hear des say normal rational like smart adult things um and just be capable of doing things which most 27 year old men aren't good at

so how do i stop um comparing des to what my boyfriend does and what age do boys grow up this is a very mature man from what i can tell i'm dealing with an actual smart person and he's still a mature so any help would be lovely or just reassurance okay bye hilarious okay how much did you pay this person to put this in no because when i saw it i was like first of all you got to understand something this is like performance des this is like Des with a microphone in front of the face knowing that this is going out to the masses

I'm putting my best foot forward I do have to say one of my favorite parts of you is that you are logical which sometimes can be annoying because I want you to not be as logical but you're very logical and you're smart and you're mature and you're also 49 so Des when he was 27

well whatever man we're not going to We're not going to get into it. But I do have to say that was very nice of you. Des has his imperfections too. But it does show you, like, I'll joke, like, men are dumb, men are squirrels, men or whatever. Not telling you to break up with your man, because clearly there's great things about him that maybe Des doesn't have. Well, she's also joking.

And she's joking. But don't assume that all men are just, like, you have to take care of them and they're not capable and you have to mother them. like I personally don't fuck with that. And some girls are good at being that person in that man's life, but you don't have to be stuck with a man like that. I was going to say that everybody's really good at like being rational about other people's shit.

It's a lot harder to be rational about your own shit that you're emotionally connected to. So don't be using examples of a podcast hosting to like real life. Yes. I do have to say too, though, that when I was younger I was guilty of like liking a guy because of how he looks or like he's good at something or he makes me laugh but then like when you actually get into a podcast type conversation with him like about real topics you like all of his answers are off and you kind of think well like that's not important but like it actually that's why I feel like on a first date and that's why my like hand on the street videos I think do so well like ask the guy what the definition of feminism is Like, ask him about tampons. Ask him about these things that are awkward and funny.

But, like, you'll see kind of who he really is. Listen, with wisdom comes wrinkles, back fat. Mental illness. Injuries. So don't wish for your boyfriend to be wise and matured. Trust me. Yeah. Pros and cons.

There's pros and cons. It's true. Well, I'm working on a bit about this, but. You know, with wisdom comes, honey, I can't pick up. that up because it's too heavy and my back is killing me. Also, you guys, I lose arguments. Like, I, most of you guys

who are dating younger guys, I feel like you get into an argument with your man and you're like, um, you're an idiot. A, B, C, D. Sit the fuck down and he's like, I'm sorry. I lose arguments as a wife and I thought that was illegal. I don't even know that was allowed to happen. Happy

happy. Happy wife. Happy life. You want to be right or you want to be happy? That was my joke. Yeah. So that's, so that's where I'm at. So again, yeah, it's way the pros of cons. Listen. You end up with an older guy. You just end up with Trump.

He'll never admit he's wrong. That's the problem. I'll never put an older man from Queens. A guy with wisdom, an older man from Queens with wisdom, always thinks he's right. And you are right a lot of the time. Not always. Of course, not always. Am I going to admit that?

No. Maybe like two months later. You'll whisper it in the morning Yeah, I think I was wrong about that thing, but whatever. Remember that thing? I think I was wrong. I want to alleviate the guilt. Two years later.

This is, what do you want? Heavy, light, what do you want? Light. Han always wants light. All right, this is middle. Hey, girls. Love your show. I just wanted to ask you a question.

Me and my boyfriend are getting really serious. however, his daughter is a little brat and has made me cry several times as well as make statements like, I'm not a part of the family and just blatantly rude to me. My boyfriend does nothing until I say something to him about it later and I just don't know if they should be a deal breaker or if I should just stick it through and, you know, as it's a phase is she's, you know, a preteen. She's only 12 years old, but I just don't know what to do. And it's starting to affect me. So, what should I do? Mani's the rom-com with the disgruntled, like, kid, you know?

Yeah, it's funny because at first I was envisioning a toddler, and I thought it was really funny. No, that's tough. Because it's, it's tough for them, and they express things in a way. Yeah, this is a hard age. And I can understand why you're upset because you feel like you want. want your partner to like, you know, take, you know, give some discipline. I say you try to get pregnant, have a kid, and tell the girl that she's not your real daughter and he doesn't love her the way he loves your daughter. What? What?

I didn't follow it. I was saying she has a baby and then they give all the attention to that baby and tell her to fuck off. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, it's a toughie because, you know, the, this is a very common dynamic. Yeah. Well, I also wonder, like, how's her mom? like is her mom involved?

Is her mom telling her things? Or is the mom trying to keep peace throughout? I was kidding earlier, by the way, about the new baby. Yeah, now I've known a couple of people in this situation and I think the people that navigate it most successfully are ones that just give the space that's necessary for the daughter to be angry, to not like you. Like, it's okay for the daughter to be angry

and not like you but at the same time you don't have a right to be constantly in an uncomfortable situation so like I think you need to sort of like I think I would say you need to state your case just for yourself and your own comfort

and see how your partner reacts to that while at the same time I think it can be complicated when you sort of say what you want him to say or do to the daughter because she's on a little bit of a journey it's not the easiest thing for her and you don't want to put him in a position where he has to

like choose you or her. I would say our answer to the cat question is going to be pretty similar to the answer here. Yeah, there's a 12-year-old prepubescent girl is very like a 15-year-old cat. No, but basically, give her space.

She has to earn your trust. You don't, she doesn't owe you anything. You're a new person in the house. She's dealing with a love. Let her smell your finger. Don't make eye contact. If she hisses at you, do not. She's scared. It's not. aggressive um but I do I do think he's probably in a tough place too he's not

being like well yeah because he doesn't know him he's not being rude but he also probably doesn't know how to hand go about it the right way well also because he's got his own relationship with his daughter to worry about we don't know the dynamic with the wife so he's obviously not looking to he I I would imagine he's desperate not to have his daughter thinking that he's taking the side of the new woman over the daughter because she's literally like she's sticking a flag down which is understandable. Like, you know, there's just so much, so much emotions.

So what, I have a lot of sympathy with you. You're in a, I think, a pretty common conundrum. Yeah. And I do think you should, if there's anybody out there that wants to message us with some advice that's been through it. Like, I feel like there's some people out there listening right now who have been through this

that will have some good, like, on the ground experience with tricks. I'm trying to think, and I've never been in this situation. I would try to approach it less of like, I'm your new stepmother, but more like, how could you be a friend to her? Like, do you have any common interests? I mean, you've probably tried this already. But, like, is there something that you could bring a value as just, like, fun or cool to the situation that isn't mom-like, that you're just connecting with her in even the smallest capacity? And I have to say that I do know numerous people that have navigated this situation.

and some of them were quite complicated. So the one thing I can say confidently is that there is hope that you will be able to navigate this situation, but it's very understandable that you're upset. Do you believe in the statement like when you marry someone, you marry their family?

Well, I mean, to an extent, but obviously the extent at which that becomes a factor in the life depends a lot on the family. Yeah. We do know situations where, you know, the dad chooses the new wife over the family. That's tough.

And it's really hard. But that's all, yeah, and a lot of it depends on the age. You, unfortunately, are just in a very difficult situation because that's a tough age. Also, for all we know, she might act like that to the mom, too. She might just be a little bitch. And you got unlucky with that. I mean, you're with like a little sassy 12-year-old. Maybe you could bond with him over, you know, the difficult parenting.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash earnerphone. Rocketmoney.com slash earner phone. Let's get a couple more. Oh, this is a complicated one. I recognize I should be asking my therapist about this, but you charge less. I have asked my boyfriend of a year and three months if he wants to move in together, and I asked him if he could let me know by the new year.

So I've given him like a few months to decide. And recently I have been thinking about what if he says no. He's had a bad experience living with a partner before. I've never lived with a partner nor even have asked a partner to seriously move in together. So how do I navigate the relationship if in the relationship, if in the new year he says he does not want to move in together because then I sign a lease for another year and that's another year of like not living together and I'm a strong believer that if you want to figure out if you're supposed to be with someone you need to live with them

and if we don't move in together this upcoming summer then we'll be together like two and a half years before I figure that out help okay wow wow wow I have thoughts but let me me hear your thoughts? My thoughts are that you're probably feeling a little bit of extra pressure now because your lease is coming up, so it's put a little timeline on it for you. But I don't think an ultimatum is a good idea. I think it's a very good idea to say, hey, I'm about to renew the lease. Like, if we're going to move in together, this would be a good time to do it. But if he doesn't want to move in together, I do not think that that is a sign that he is not happy with the relationship because moving in together

is I don't think 100% necessary and even after two and a half years I don't think that's enough time unless you're already feeling like there's other things going on I don't feel like that's enough time to be like he's not serious about this because he's had the experience and it is tough can I give the girl's side? Go ahead

this is so funny we think very differently about this I don't give a fuck that you had a bad experience with your ex-girlfriend moving it, that's your fucking ex. That's like being like, you get married again, I had a bad marriage. Okay, I don't give a fuck. Don't project it onto me because it's like if you want to, if you want to be with me, you want to be with me. I'm also biased because we moved in during COVID very early on together, but I feel

similarly to her where it's like, I've actually lived with like a lot of boyfriends when I think about it. I lived with a boyfriend out of college. I live with a guy I met on Craigslist. my thing is yet you can date people forever but the second you move in with them you're like I fucking hate this person

so I do like the idea of you know moving in and seeing if it works but I do agree with you that like two and a half years with someone before moving in is not that long and I honestly I like we very successfully live together but like I think like living together can be overrated like I think that

you know you can have a very very successful relationship and never no for sure but I think with in terms of marriage the only reason you check if you can live together is to see if you can marry the guy because marriage is

just it's not about even like there's all these other reasons that you could date other people but the person you're going to marry you have to be able to have like a very good chemistry and in terms of living with but I do I do think

you know especially especially because his desire to not move in yet is bugging you, I think it's very okay to be like, listen, if you're saying that you don't want to live together and now, you know, I'm going to sign a lease, it's going to be another year. I just need to 100% be sure that, like, you're committed to the relationship. Like, if it's causing you, like, to be unsure about the future,

I think it's totally fine to be like, you know, I'm going to sign this lease. Are we 100% sure that you're totally committed to this relationship? relationship long term? Or is this a sign that you're not? Because you're feeling like it's a sign that you're not. You're not happy with it. So I think it's fine to talk to him about it. But I don't think that you should think if he doesn't want to live together, that is a 100% sign. I agree. But you also like, I understand you have problems with your ex or whatever, but like you want a guy to be like, I literally want to spend all my time with you and we're at each other's houses all the time. It's just obvious the next step let's just live together. Obviously maybe they're not

able to get a big enough space that it would be comfortable. Maybe you could try to go on vacation with him for like a week in a hotel and and soften him into it. Let him see that like no dishes are going to be thrown. Talk to him more about maybe why it was so bad. Like was he OCD or was she, you know, what was their problem that you guys maybe aren't going to have to deal with and so that he doesn't just have this like blanket fear of like intimacy yes well i don't yeah i don't know if yeah it may it may not be intimacy though it may just be he's worried about like finding out that you know you guys just end up getting annoyed with each other yeah but i mean that's that's what you want to figure out so you don't wait three years and then move in and then

get annoyed and then not get married understandable you know i've i joke that i'm very into like move in pretty early to just see if it's going to work later in life when you're like looking for a life partner because life partner is very different than boyfriend life partner is who am I compatible with when it's the morning and there's an issue that happened in our lives like I feel like life partner is about just solving mundane problems and it's like who do you want to do that with yeah but it's not sexy no then go in an open a relationship with the other one. I love a callback in these.

You're going hard of the callbacks. I connect them all. All of them are the same person. Oh, here you go. This is lighthearted. This is very Hannah. I have thoughts. Howdy, pals?

So I am trying to shoot my shot. I'm trying to enter this new year being bold and brave and a bad bitch. So I moved to a new city this year, having never been here before, quit my teaching job and I'm in between careers right now and just working at a coffee shop as a brista and I have this regular customer who comes in all the time and he is so cute so nice I'm obsessed with him and he has exactly the vibe I'm looking for and I want to put myself out there and give my number or something but where like I normally don't do that so I'm like how do I do this so it's not embarrassing or weird especially if he turns me down um

But also, like, I'm not going to be there forever. And if I find something else, like, I won't be working there. So maybe, I don't know. I just need help on, like, how to shoot my shot in a way that's not going to make me feel mortified. Ooh, I love this one. I love this one. Um, I always think of this in two ways. Because either, like, he's, well, look, I'm biased, but you have to go into things that everyone wants to fuck you.

He wants to fuck you. he doesn't know what to do he's nervous he's thinking the same stuff so you're just opening the door of opportunity and also if he doesn't feel that way it's like who cares the way i like to go about it is you don't have to go as is overt the word overtly yeah as overtly as like giving your number but like i would strike up more conversation during that time that he's ordering ask him some questions get a little flirty vibe, smiling, laughing, he-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. And then it becomes more just, like, natural to the point that it's, I guess you're kind of opening it up to see if he's going to play ball.

Yeah. I was assuming that she'd already established that little bit of that. Let's just say that's great advice. but if you feel like you've already established like the flirty vibes and that you know you want to shoot your shot what do you think she should do

well I've never been one to just like I feel like it's really scary to do the like to use but no but I'm saying what she should do is find a topic where it's a little more casual where it's like you find out like oh he likes like find one thing you guys like

and just be like if you ever want to do this here. So it's not like, here's my number. Let's get married. It's more like, hit me up if you ever want to do it. So it's just chill. It's not awkward because he's been busy if he never does it. But it's like, find that little common ground that you could be like, here's my day, just hit me up. Like it doesn't have to be so fucking dramatic, but you're putting it in his court. Also, it's not your coffee shop. So if they lose one regular customer because you made it awkward,

I think you I'm a fan in this scenario and I don't think a lot are going to believe I agree with me but I'm a fan of like just writing something cute and funny and handing it to him and I think on it you should say

hey like it's totally fine if you're not into it I don't want you to not keep coming in but I just wanted you to know and then see how you respond that's me though I do think the funny is key if you guys have anything that you've ever joked about, even if he's like, don't make my coffee too hot.

Post him be like, not too hot. Also, whatever, and put your number. Yeah. You know? Shoot your shot. Like it's so fucking short. Also, it's so funny. Shoot your shot like it's the 80s.

It's also so, yeah, Des is loving this. Also, if he doesn't text you, it's hilarious when he walks in, just be like, remember when you rejected me? Like, that's hilarious. Just lean in, joke about it. Do you remember how you embarrass me and hate me forever now? At the end of the day, if he's not into it, he's going to stop

coming in, no big deal. Yeah, it's also like, it's not like this is the only place he can get his save his own life. Like there's a bazillion coffee shops. But also, he's probably going to be fucking flattered. He's probably going to be into it. You're never going to know until you check.

Yeah. Lean in, this is, actually, this is a command. This is a call to action. This is a call to action. We are telling you to do it. Shoot your shot. And if it happens and it gets awkward, you tell him that Hannah and Dez force you to you actually didn't want to. And

we forced you to as a social experiment. Telling you had vomit on your sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. He's nervous. You were nervous and you had to do it. But on the surface, you seem calm and ready to drop bombs. But you keep on forgetting what you wrote down. You only got one shot. Because the whole crowd was oh so loud. He opened

his mouth, but the words wouldn't come out. Anyway, I think you definitely do it. Look at us getting all excited to shoot. We haven't shot our shot in a minute. We'd like a follow-up. And by the way, disclaimer, we are fully aware that this could go terribly wrong. We're fully aware that you could lose your job. Do you want to leave that job whenever you finish in that job?

Do you want to leave that job saying, you know, I never checked if that guy was into me? No, I never checked if that oat latte. was into me you gotta check underneath every single hood of the

uncircumcised penises in your area I know I think you definitely do it but also what's funny about these kind of coffee shop crushes it's it's like

this guy could really suck just warning you like we've all I remember there was this guy who sat in front of me in class and like in my head

I was like this guy is so cool and hot and whatever and he would then he started drinking mountain dew at like 11 a.m. and I was like that's weird but whatever and then finally I talked to him once and it was like I could not be more unattracted to this guy so it could just be your board at work I guess we're never getting Mountain Dew as a sponsor of this podcast.

No I love Mountain Dew babe it was a 10 a.m. class we called him we started calling a Mountain Dew boy but like in my head I was like this guy's interesting like he's different and he and it was it was more like called the police um but i love that i and i love that you have a crush at work and i think you should definitely go for it because you don't have your dream job right now your dream job is shooting your shot go for it can we finish with one heavy one oh i was going to end positive and motivational but sure i want to do a heavy one because this one came in like real deal stuff i like when the listeners here that people have like real problems hi hannah hi does um i feel like a lot of people

are going to take this lightly, but I actually have some deep shit going on, and I feel like Des would be able to answer a lot about this. So my dad is an alcoholic. Um, always has been, but he's been highly functioning. But lately it's gotten so bad. And my siblings and I really blame this one girl that he's been like kind of dating, but like they won't say they're dating. But he's obviously like in love with her. But she's so bad. for him and he just it's just the worst and I don't know what to do with him anymore

I literally uninvited him to our Christmas celebration the other day and yeah any advice on how to deal with someone who is not willing to make the change themselves thanks you know I like including these because it's a common problem

people that have their their spouse or their parent or their child is an alcoholic you know and I always think that the one thing that people don't realize is that you have to like not look after yourself in the sense of like you have to abandon them but you need to realize that it affects people deeply no I'm sure they know this right but I always think that you need to reach out to the resources of people who are directly affected by the alcoholism of another

because there's really good advice out there in terms of the your dad's new partner like it is very easy to look at that, but you know that your dad has had a problem for a very long time. So it's almost kind of pointless to focus on that. In fact, it's almost a blessing that her accelerating it may help you to finally say, I need to figure out how I can deal with this myself. You know, because the one thing that all the Al-Anon are all the people who are affected by the alcoholism of others is you realize that you have to look after what it's doing to you and how you can. and, you know, better survive.

Because it can't be about the alcoholic. It's very hard to get them to do anything. And to logically figure it out. So you have to look after you in terms of like talking to people who understand what it's like to be in your situation. It sounds like she is putting boundaries. But I was going to say the holidays are a time that exacerbates stuff. It's a lot of pressure, stress, the family, the family dynamics,

and everything seems, it gets to a head in the holidays. Yeah, and it's just so much better now for you to say, you know what, I've got to look after what this is doing to me because, like, as a child of somebody who was, my parents were not drinkers in my lifetime, but my mother especially was heavily affected by her parents drinking, and, like, it made her the person that she was,

which was, like, good and bad. And, like, some of that stuff, like, never left. left her. Like she died with it. So that's why it's like so important to not ignore it for yourself. Your dad may or may not figure it out, but you can't wait for that because you are powerless. And I don't just mean it from the 12th step on powerless, but just like you have no control over the situation. And the control part is. So your advice to her is to stop taking it on and that she can't do anything? No, my advice to her is to reach out for help for people who understand how to help somebody in her

situation. To get help for herself. For herself. Yeah. Because his, and they'll also give advice on how to deal with him, but you also have to understand what it can do to you. And I only say that because people who don't deal with that

side of it end up with their own stuff later on. You know, Whitney Cummings is pretty vocal about growing up in an alcoholic home and how she's done a lot of work to realize a lot of the things she does now is just based on growing up in an environment where you have no control, where you're trying to anticipate what's going to happen, where you're living in fear of reactions or scary things.

So, yeah, you can try to control, you know, how it affects you, which then affects people in your life. So it's like, I guess you're trying to heal from what you can. Yeah. And the functioning alcoholic is always a toughie because it's not obvious to everybody. No. You know? And so that could be tough. Only the people closest to them like really get it. And then he gets away with enough that he can convince himself that it's not that bad. But all I can say is that you'll be well served to just take it on, take it head on now to like deal with yourself.

And then you won't have to focus on things like, oh, it's this new woman. Because what happens is you learn that you can't make it about the alcohol. you know like you because that'll be chaos you you you need to make it about you need to figure out what you need to do for you but not in a selfish way but don't you in a survival way don't you feel kind of yeah like a little guilty that you can't help someone you love and i i think that's that's a huge part of the what makes this so difficult about detaching with love there's a lot of language around it but you and you've already done a detachment which is great but it's it's not easy and all I can say from a lot of alcoholism I'm I don't drink because of

my own drinking but I've been alcoholism adjacent like in so many aspects my family tree is just riddled with alcoholic pain so like all I can say is it's like affects you so much more than you probably even realize right now and I don't mean that condescending but like it will carry on into your future so tackle it head on now and you'll just be so much better better for it. You know, that's what I would say. Break the trauma that you're inheriting. Yeah, generational trauma. That was a word I was looking for.

I didn't say that condescending. No, that was literally the word I was trying to find that I said so many words. And you're not alone. That's the other thing. You are not alone. Pretty common situation. You're not alone. Take care of yourself this holiday season. You guys, we love you so much. Thank you for calling in for such a fun advice episode. Rate subscribe review. Tell your friends about Burner Phone if you're enjoying it. Oh yeah. I forgot to plug that

my dad was near James Bond, the documentary I made about my father somewhere recently. I don't know how. The restriction on YouTube got lifted. So now it's watchable. I highly recommend if you want an amazing documentary about family, showbiz. Des's survival. Survival. Des is documentary on YouTube right now called My dad was nearly James Bond is such a great watch.

Highly recommend watching on YouTube this holiday season or tonight or right now. Right now. Thanks, everybody. Thanks. Bye. We always talk about improving your health and self-care. like skincare, working out, yoga, reading, meditation. But what about pleasure?

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