Berner Phone - Berner Phone #71: Life's Quandaries Part 2

Episode Date: December 28, 2024

Turns out the dialers need a lot of advice...so we're doing a part 2 of our unprofessional advice. This week we're dealing with finances, family, and failing relationships. 

Sexual wellness is important on this pod. Orgasms are important and we need to prioritize that. But you're like, Hannah, what do I do? I have Dame for you. They've made it their mission to help you explore and enjoy your pleasure because that's self-care too. And it was created by women who know that sometimes you need more than a good night's sleep to feel truly rejuvenated.

We can't just have the men being the only ones enjoying themselves. It was founded by a sexologist and an engineer who are women and that's why I really trust this brand. They have the world's first pre-couples vibrator, the palm that fits right in your hand, the calm, which has deep rumbly vibrations, and Finn is a finger vibe. The products are made 100% body-safe materials and offer a three-year warranty if you have a little too much fun. So if you're ready to take self-care to the next level, check out dame.com and use code Burner 30 for 30% off. Trust me, it's time for some well-deserved meet time. Hi, it's Hannah Burner.

and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? We're in that awkward place in between Christmas and the new year. Yes, well, happy New Year, everybody.

Because when this goes up, the next time we talk to, it will be the New Year. Yes, it will. But we're currently in purgatory. And speaking of purgatory, you know purgatory is like a kind of a it's like a suffering it's like a suffering place yeah i think there was another word i was looking for that's like when you're stuck in between two places right but more like heaven no i mean purgatory is a place where in between sort of

earth and heaven or is that like when you're waiting to see if you go to hell yeah exactly yes correct yeah yeah i someone say we're all in purgatory Indeed. That is our existence. And that's why we're taking, we're doubling down on advice questions today. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. Also, the last one was really made me laugh. And let's face it, it's, it's the week between Christmas and New Year. So, you know, you want to just, you don't want as much admin. No, no. The one admin I will give you guys is I have a show on Netflix that just came out called Torching 2024

where me and a bunch of other comics roasted everything that happened this year so I would

love you to tune in get your family around see us make some inappropriate jokes about the last

12 months a lot of fun pop culture stuff so check that out DM me tell me what you think

yes and if this episode gets up by tomorrow being Saturday then come see me tonight at Laugh Boston yes last night shows

were amazing. I'm just going to make an assumption. Also, Des and I have been, speaking of purgatory, we've been, like, obsessed with watching Dexter. Oh, yeah. Well, I've seen Dexter, but, you know, we were looking for something to watch and, uh, you're, I'm enjoying the second time around and you're very into the first time around. It is a nice thing that couples can do where you find out, you know, your significant other hasn't watched something that you really enjoyed. And that, moment, you get to re-watch it through their eyes. Well, let's face it, you love documentaries. I love documentaries. And I like scripted dramas. So we found that middle ground where we found

a scripted drama about serial killers. So we found a drama that's about the things you like to watch in, right? It's true. All the stuff we watch is scripted violence together. Yes. And it's fun to watch again. However, for those that made it all the way through Dexter, I am going to insist that Hannah stops after season four because the rest is just a waste of time. And I appreciate that. I really appreciate that because life is short. Stop making people finish series just to finish it.

I tell everyone. Especially ones that peter out. Yes. That's why I never watched the last episode of Game of Thrones. Let's list the great Peter Out series. Right? I would say Game of Thrones only had one bad end of the last season was terrible, but actually I don't find that was a Peter out. That was just a

disappointment. But the Walking Dead is, I think it's still going. You know? Great series that just, they kept it going way too long. Dexter, way too long. And now they've got more Dexter's coming out. Any other famous, like, Peterouts? The thing with me is I'm a quitter. One thing about me is I'm a quitter.

I think people found Lost went on too long, but I actually didn't get into Lost. Maybe that's something we watch next. No, I'm not going there. Why? Because Lost is, I watched the first season of loss and then everyone just complained there and then. Okay. Westworld petered out. Yes.

West World first season, Incredible. Never found its way after that. If you're also looking for stuff to watch, we're excited. Des has started Silo season two. Oh, yeah. Silo, I'm all in on. But season two hasn't been as good as season one. But I couldn't wait.

I read the books. So I actually, I know what's going down. And Severance is coming out. Severance, which I have my brother, literally as we're recording, he's obsessed. We've been discussing that all morning in the purgatory before Hannah wakes up. The bishops have their time together before Hannah enters the world. When did you wake up today? 6 o'clock.

But, you know, Butter woke us up 3 to 4. I was awake. And then I got back to sleep till 6th. The Bishop House, so Butter is also in a purgatory because we brought her to West Hampton. But Seamus is here. And Seamus wants to make friends with Butter really badly. And Butter has some boundary, self-respect as she should. She doesn't trust a ram.

Let's face it, she has PTSD. She's traumatized from her the first couple of months. Like Dexter, she's never been able to get over the early part of her life in the Bronx. So she's traumatized. She has a dark passenger. But her has a dark passenger and she's the best cat to us. But then if she hears Seamus meow, she starts the... And she sounds demonic.

Yes. And I hate when my baby gets mad like that. So anyway, we have. two cats in the house we're navigating. Seamus is coming into the room right now because he hears us talking about him. Shames is a social cat. And Seamus is coming in for the crack

with his red hair. Hi, Shady. And anyway, so yeah, we hope you're listening to some good content. You're watching some TV. You're relaxing during this in-between period of life. And you know what?

A lot of life is up. Sorry, I'm laughing at myself. Because you're about to say some bullshit. Yeah. About to Brunay Brown. do it, dude. Brené Brown it. Look, life is a lot of looking forward to what's next. What?

That's not the background music. It's not appropriate. I felt like, you know, it was more of like a, so what are we going to say, so? Life is a lot of looking forward to what's next, what's next, what's next, what's next. I can't wait for this. Let's just sit in the quiet right now. Let's just be in the moment.

Let's be in the moment. The end of the year. There's nothing going on. No one's working. No one's fucking responding to emails. And even if someone is working, who gives a fuck, it's about you. in this time embracing where you are and that everything is okay. Yes.

Now let's give people some unprofessional, slightly bad advice. Yeah. And I have to say that some people, like, I think people really like our advice episodes. I got like a very serious DM from somebody saying about her boyfriend who's like was sober and now he's drinking. I was just like, damn, yo, I can't. These, these things are you really need to seek out like professionally. I do have to say one of my biggest pet peeves is sometimes, you know, these podcasts will do advice stuff, and they'll get really serious stuff, and people will take the advice of, you know,

just people who love attention talking to mics like ourselves. Take it with the great assault. We're like that friend who's unbiased, but hasn't always made the right decisions themselves, but we're just throwing ideas around. Yeah, we're just throwing ideas around. But anyway, listen, we don't mind the serious ones, but you got to understand, we're just in ear. So, and by the way, I feel like you do give really good advice, though. Okay, I want to say that the feedback in my DMs has really ramped up. I don't know what's causing it, but over the last month and a half, I would say, about the last six weeks, I don't know what changed. But there is a lot more feedback coming back from the pop, which is, which we love.

So don't stop that coming. Yeah, we love the follow-ups. We love the opinions. If you guys think of any of prompts. I got a lot of suggestions for prompts. Nice. I'll read out a couple at the end because I took a screenshot of one full list of prompts. So some of these I actually found last week and then I added a few this week because we had so many. So my familiarity with the ones from last week is spaded up it. So let's start

with this. Hi, Hannah. Hi, this. How are you? As you can hear, I'm not a native English speaker, but I really love your podcast and I also really, really love Giggly Squad. So, okay this is my question I'm 30 years old I'm going to be 31 on January I have a wonderful husband he's the same age as I am

and I have a job that pays okay but I really love my job but I now suddenly I have this all these voices around me telling me that I'm getting

late to having kids and I always wanted to have kids and I really want to have kids it's still, but I feel that I need a few years, but how do I deal with this feeling of I want to live more but I don't want to get late

and do you understand me? I'm sorry for me English. This is good. I love when people get cut off like they're fighting to stay in. The only thing was it sounded like I don't want to get laid. That was the only one.

Imagine that. It's a problem. She's like, I want kids, but I don't want my husband to touch me. Is that Philadelphia? No. Oh, my God. No, I got, we got a message last week from an angry dialer who was like, stop thinking accents to Philadelphia that clearly not Philadelphia is like, but the haze.

And then it turned out one of them was Alabama. We got the message to say that one of the ones we couldn't figure out, she was from Alabama. But anyway, what do you think? I mean, first of all, we shouldn't be feeling the pressure. We understand you, by we, I understand you crystal fucking clear. And we've kind of touched on it on the pod, but I'm in a similar place where you're living your life, you want kids, and then one day you look at the calendar and people are like, oh, if you want them, you have to have them now. And you're like, whoa, where, where, where?

I'm a child. I'm still living my life. So, yeah, it's one thing that's unfortunate about being a woman is they call you geriatric by 35. Obviously, there are more risks to pregnancy as you get to that age. I mean, I could go on a whole three-hour rant about it, but back then our purpose was to get married and have kids, so no one was worrying about the other variables. The older eggs.

Yeah, and when no one, you know, 60 years ago was like, oh, my career is finally where I wanted to be. It's like, no, your only focus was having kids, but we're battling, you know, our job. genetics. So I feel you. I've been talking a lot of people about this. I've been on stage asking moms about it. And I've gotten a lot of mixed advice. I know because the problem is that you get this, you get the great conundrum of like, look, you know, not wanting to affect your career, which is very understandable. But then you come up against the unfortunate science of

the human body. And a lot of women, by the time, they turn 30 are really in a good place with their career or they're in a or and if you're not then it's like okay I need to transition I need to focus on that right now but a lot of women like I was talking to one of my friends who was like yeah when I was 33 I finally became partner at a law firm I've worked so hard for this and now I have to have a kid and I could lose everything I've ever worked towards to become partner in this moment the problem is that that shouldn't be the case you know they try to tackle that better I feel in some Scandinavian countries but like you shouldn't have to think

that your career is going to take a hit but let's let's imagine me and you were both partners at a law firm we both just became partners at 33 and but now I have to have a baby and it's like I would feel like I'm behind you yeah and I look at other like comics who are my age who are men who are you know figuring out what to do next in their career they don't have to factor in them getting pregnant and them having babies, but it is this interesting thing where there are women

who are like, I don't want kids, I know I don't. But then there's the women who are like, I do want kids, but like not now. And then there's, you know, people are like, freeze your eggs, not as easy. It's not just like, you know, going to the mall and going to a kiosk and getting some eggs. Freezing your eggs is difficult. Yeah. Ronnie Chang, actually, Ronnie Chang, not that a male comic but he does a he does a very good bit in his current special about the egg freezing decision which they made as a couple uh yeah i mean there's just i always think like something's just not fair and of all the great sort of advancements in you know women's rights it's just fucking not fair that they're the ones that have to have the kid it's just it's funny too just because we don't realize

it's just so recent like my mom was the first woman on her side of the family to go to college. So, like, this wasn't a problem before my mom. This wasn't women at 30 being like, I mean, my nana famously at 18 years old wanted to go to art school and her dad said, no, you have to get married. Yeah. That's what she did. But I just want to let this woman know not to get so deep in the beginning, but you're so not alone. One of the piece of advice I've gotten from people that's been positive was like, you figure it out. Think of all the things that you've been nervous about or knew was going to be difficult, you always figure it out. And with children, it's one of those things where you do have to

sacrifice, I guess. But also, moms, can you message in? Because I'm not, I don't know as much as you do about this topic. No, but I mean, I think that you're right at the age where this, it's a very natural sort of conundrum you're at the age where you're starting to think like, oh, soon I will be scientifically under pressure to have a child but obviously you can freeze your eggs which people are doing and that's all just decisions that you have to make with your husband it's a very hard decision to make we're also in a similar position because if I was single right now which could have been if I never fucking DMD back I'd be sitting here single um well I would and if it'd meet anyone else because I would never because you're the love of my life and the

only person I've ever been with. If I was, I'm 33 right now, single, I'd get my eggs frozen. You'd be freezing. It's not even like a question. But because you're married, you have this guilt of like, oh, like, that's selfish of me to be like, oh, I should also freeze my eggs and wait and stuff like that when you're like, I have situation here. So anyway.

Anyway, we've no solution for you. We've no solution, but you are so not alone. And I think a lot of women are feeling the same way. And, yeah, I have no fucking clue. Yeah. I'd say the bigger percentage of people would say that in the end when they finally did decide to have kids that they didn't regret it.

Yeah. But that's not to say that people wouldn't admit that it affected their career. I think a lot of people would say, you know, it really did, but I was okay with that. Well, some people say it did. And I love that I just care about my kids. now. It's so much more fulfilling than my career ever was.

But I hope that accent has you in a European country that has a slightly more supportive system. Healthcare system. Well, not just health care, but also, you know, time off and maternity leave. And protections against being punished for deciding to get pregnant. It is hard once with any problem you have when you start asking around too much. You start getting like a wide variety of answers and it confuses your more. Because this is not... So this, babe, we've gotten two things.

We get, whatever you do, just wait, which, you know, how long can you wait? Nobody says that to me, by the way. People say that to me, wait, just wait. They said that to me when I was your age. Yeah, they say wait. But then your friends go, have them as soon as possible. Well, no, actually, some of my friends say, don't do it, actually. Some of my friends are like, no, you're good.

Don't do it. Just so you know. Just, you know. The one, a lot of my friends, at the least, there's an age, a child hits a certain age where you're getting the least back. All you're getting is attitude and the money's going one way, no gratitude is coming back and it's just an age where you're like, why the fuck did I bother with these selfish animals? So I'm getting a lot of that from my friends because that's the age that, you know.

I hope their kids aren't listening to the pod. They are. Fuck down. Five of them are my godchildren. No, I'm just kidding. One of them face-timed us last week because he's 15 years old. He's on a dart in Artham, which is like the Irish, the Dublin mass transit system.

They obviously, I don't know, they strike up a conversation with some 20-something American girls and he drops your name to look cool. And then FaceTime's hoping that he can verify that he's actually connected to us. You know, I get nothing back, but just like,

He's a nepo god child. My nepo god child, yeah. We got to give us something like, oh, this is, we love this, Kenanjum. Hey, Hannah and Des, I'm 35, my boyfriend's 37. We've been together for the past seven years and lived together for four. We've built an amazing life together, and even though we've been super consistent, nothing with our job has been consistent. So we talk a lot about marriage, but neither one of us has savings.

and he suggested that we saved together for an engagement ring. We go 50-50 on all other bills, and I see his point, but I'm a little hurt that he hasn't kind of saved on his own over the years. So my question is, should I be sticking it out because I love him and he's amazing and nothing really is off in our relationship other than we just don't have the money to take the next step? or should I be looking for a zaddy like DES thanks for your advice

I appreciate all the help all these girls are putting you on a pedestal it's not it's not listen this pedestal is unwarranted everyone's like should I break up my boyfriend for just you know a tired man like does is a little grumpy but gives good advice what do you do I want to know what you think

well you know the engagement ring thing is such a there's no way that you you you can ruin like a successful relationship over something as stupid as like the issues around the engagement ring however i understand why you might be hurt but at the same time if we're gonna the engagement ring thing is so strange because obviously i didn't i didn't care you know i had the money to get you a nice engagement ring, like, I didn't care. But like in a situation where an engagement ring creates financial struggles, right, if we're going to dismantle the patriarchy, which obviously it's not going well lately with how things have panned out politically. But if, like, part of it has to be like, we need to stop with this fucking nonsense with the engagement ring. But at the same time,

I never minded it. I got a kick out of it. But like for a couple that's struggling financially, I don't think the financial stress over engagement should cause a rift in the relationship. Yeah, I think as I always think gifts are better when they're thoughtful rather than like how much money something cost. I'm trying to think deeper of what she's saying. Okay, go ahead. You know.

Hannah's just going to tell you to break up. No. No, because I don't know what's going on at all. I do think expenses with marriage it can help with taxes, right? I don't, don't bring taxes into it. We're not going to try to act like that.

But basically, yeah, yeah, I don't understand anything in terms of numbers. But marriage is basically what you have now, but like papers involved, like getting admin involved. I do just want to throw out if we're talking about engagement rings, lab diamonds are extremely affordable they look exactly the fucking same they're arguably made

more ethically more ethically not even arguably and for a thousand dollars for five hundred dollars you can get a beautiful like lab diamond yeah or get a of one of those other ones one that she cubic zirconia pubic serconi do it it's more about I know a lot of people that are like here's the ring I have for you now and you know if we make money we'll get an upgrade later but this this doesn't represent my like amount of love for you your relationship has never been about the money so don't let that be what hurts you and there's so many people who have a lot of money who would kill for a relationship that you have on the other end are you using this as an excuse to be like there's more to life and I want more maybe he's not the one and he's

he's great, he's perfect, but there's something missing. Like a diamond. Like a real diamond. I do have to say. Not a fucking home shopping network cubic zirconia. I'm going to say this very seriously. A man that makes more money will not make you happier if he's not right for you. He will make your life worse.

Yeah. However, it will be nice to have a big. I'm just kidding. Honestly, I will stand firm. Yeah. And I did not cheap out on engagement rings in my life. But I will stand firm that it's absolutely dumb in a situation where you're not like flowing with cash to put yourself under financial pressure for an engagement. Yeah.

And anybody who feels the need for that for love is actually cutting off their nose despite their face. Yeah. Because you're actually putting yourself behind the April before you even start. And I'm trying to think, like, yeah, if there's deeper stuff, work on that, but it's not about the engagement ring. If he's the right guy for you, like, let him propose to you with a rock. And when I say a rock, a literal pebble, because your love is more important. I personally, it's... It's not sexy, though.

I will say, when your boyfriend brings up going 50-50 on a... ring. Like, it's not romantic. Yeah. That's, that's not going to show up in the romance novel. Yeah, for sure. For sure. I mean, there is a cute, like, I owe you and like, give me some time. Yeah. But remember, if we backtrack, it's a socially constructed capitalist idea that people were like, let's get people to buy diamonds to show their love. Diamonds are forever. What's more important is your actual love for each other. And money goes up and down. Love is forever.

But if you're using that as wanting me to tell you to break up with him, then you want to break up with him. Yeah. But that's, you know, I always like that discussion. And people, feedback guys, I think that's a very personal thing. Some people consider it very important. Or you want to get into the real dilemma. I mentioned this last week we forgot to get into it.

I didn't click it last week. Oh, let's get into it. This is, there's going to be a lot of opinions on this. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. Hi, guys. I love your show.

I'm going to use a crazy voice because this is very classified information that I don't want anyone to trace back to me. I got married last year right before Christmas in November. Love my husband. He's awesome. And then for our Christmas party for my job, which I work for, bar. Of course, everyone got hammered because that's what you do, truly. And I proceeded to black out and make out with someone who I've made out with many, many times before. My husband does not

know. And my best friends know, but of course they're just like, oh, it doesn't count. Like, it's pretty much part of your bachelor at. You guys are barely married, which is completely invalid. We definitely are married. What do you guys think? Count or not? Wow. It sounds like you should do reality TV for sure. Because I've seen this happen many a time.

I would tune in to watch this play out. We're here. People are tuned in. People are listening. It's not a situation of I would tone. We're here. We're discussing it. It's happening.

I love her supportive friends. I'm obsessed with them. They're like, oh my God, he didn't even hit your clay. You're fine. It doesn't count. Well, it is just a makeout. It's a drunken makeout at a party. Yes.

Let's discuss it for what it is. Yes. So what do you think? Well, it's interesting that she's like, we did it a lot. So it sounds like an ex fling. Yeah, it's like an ex-office flirtation. Was he drunk? Let's assume there's drunkenness all around.

I feel like, hmm, this is a difficult one? You're conflicted. I'm conflicted, but I do feel like if she's in love with this guy, her husband, she needs, and it's eating her alive, she can tell him. But alcohol sounds like the crux of it, and it's like, now you know your boundaries, let's try not to black out around this particular guy who you make out with when you're drunk. if you've no feelings towards him it's the alcohol

yeah I feel like if you're happily married new marriage you're happily married and this I would consider this pretty innocuous like not I wouldn't think this is like a huge deal a stupid drunken snog as we would say the other side of the Atlantic

I would say it's not good behavior and if you can't control yourself when you're drunk you need to like maybe not get so drunk because at the end of the day, if it becomes a pattern, then you really do, you have a, you have a prop, you know. But if you're, you know, I would consider this like a, like a low level mistake that is probably, I would think not worth the stress in your marriage to bring it up. Although I would also say that we'll probably hide your voice a little more. Yeah. She was like, this is my crazy voice. I would also say that maybe, uh,

you know, you've been quite public about it, you know, I, I, but I, I would definitely be with your friends. I'm like, come on. Don't, don't bring it up for something so small, but I do think that you can't be like, oh, this is something that's okay. You're not okay. Yeah, you're not having an affair, but I do think it's definitely a, a moment in your life where you stop and ask what you want. And what you want might be to be like, okay, I'm, why am I blacking out, maybe do some, you know, inner reflecting. Yeah. Yeah.

And like, you know, so let's just say, for example, because obviously I'm assuming this was a somewhat public snog, it's certainly not a secret, you know. Like, it would be very embarrassing for your husband if you found out. He would be pretty fucking pissed off. So like, I just, this is not good behavior. Let's, let's, let's call a spade of spade. But also, we are not calling you a bad person. No, but it's just not good. It's not fair. It's not fair on your husband for sure.

This is, changes have to be made if you want this relationship with your husband to work. But I also don't think you need to be racked with guilt if you decide, you know what, stupid mistake. I'm not going to tell my husband and life carries on. Especially if you have no feelings for this guy. And clearly it's a two-way street. He was into it. It wasn't like you ran up to him and jumped on him and mauled his face. I mean, I wasn't there. I don't know what the extent was. But if you, if you. it sounds like your girlfriends are like this is stupid and I think if you continue with the same pattern then it's like this is the marriage healthy marriage is not what you want but if you do want a healthy marriage take this time go to therapy reflect on maybe some of the decisions that led up to this point and this could be really beneficial to your marriage to kind of understand yourself better and why you kind of want to lose control a little bit at these office

And I think, too, that you can, I don't know how old you are, but like, you can, it can be a time where you sort of like, you struggle to make the change, like maturity-wise to like what's like acceptable behavior. True. If you've, you just had boyfriends, you've kind of never been like locked into something and, and your subconscious is still, you know, in that old mindset. But a drunken snog like this, like if she's being 100% honest, is a misdemeanor. It's not a felony. That's what I think. you know, and I think if you went to the court of marriage, they would give you a slap on the wrist, probably community service. I also wonder, put yourself in if the roles were reversed. How would you feel if your husband got drunk, made out with a girl that he's made out with all the time?

Yeah, you wouldn't be happy. You wouldn't be too happy. I'd be a little upset, but also these holiday parties are fucking crazy. I know. Some of these, they just have alcohol flowing. We do have follow-up questions. It's an M-U-Y. It's a makeout under the influence. It's an M-U-I.

It can't. Was there a tongue? I don't, I mean, how long was it? Was it under the mistletoe? There's factors to it. Did he drop the hand? You know, ew. You know, you know. Yeah, it was it second base?

Yeah. You know you were. Did you get outside tit? Ew. T-night. O-T-P-H-J over-the-pants-hand job. I do think if you care about your marriage and this isn't you subconsciously trying to run away from it.

Let's work on yourself. Do the work and you'll feel even better moving forward and hopefully next holiday season you make out with your husband instead. But I really want... We need updates. No, not just updates, I want feedback. I feel like this is like people are going to have opinions.

We want the opinions. Yeah. I want opinions in the DMs or even whatever the prompt is next week, Don't be afraid to give, uh, to respond. In my head, this is the same girl whose husband made her go have Z's on an engagement ring. So she blacked out and made out with the guy at her party. That would make sense.

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You know, I love these ones. There's two here. DJ does. So I'm 32 years old. Since I was 18 and first went to Europe, I've thought, oh my gosh, I want to move to Europe. I've tried most of my life to make the U.S. work. I know the advice that you would give if I'm like, should I finally go to Europe and explore it? You're going to say, girl, obviously go to Europe because you're single.

You don't have kids. You're financially stable. You have a remote job where you can work from anywhere. So I know that the answer is, yes, go finally try Europe. But what I need the advice on is how do I keep making these big choices and these decisions of exploration and having the faith that, like, I will find community, I will find family, I will find home because I also don't have any family. If I keep, you know, as I get older in life, like, I keep trying new things and making new decisions. Like, I'm going to keep trying

new things and making decisions and exploring, but I'm starting to get really nervous that I'll never actually get roots that I'll be watering. But I want to find where I want to water first. I'm freaking out. Wow, that was actually more, that was deeper than I expected. Well, she's definitely done, she's done some like deep reflecting on it. But I would argue it takes one person, one friend, one lover, one place to be like, oh, this is home. And yes, she could be running away and like subconsciously not wanting to build that. But life is so short. Keep exploring. Keep learning. keep going and you'll know when you feel like you want to stay somewhere and you just you really you never know like I always use my dad as an example because like the only life I knew with my father was

Queens New York my dad was a retail guy and we had a very normal life in flushing Queens but actually you know my dad was evacuated from the UK in World War II grew up in Ireland right had and then had his adolescence in Sussex right was in the British Army, which I never liked to admit, then broke his back, became a model, lived the fancy life in London, would have never imagined

the life that he ended up having. And every friend that my dad had in my lifetime was all people he met when he was in his late 30s. And that was his entire life. Yeah, he would talk on the phone to some of his old friends. But his life that I knew

was a life that began in his mid-30s. And that's That was his life for half of his life. And he could have never imagined. Yeah. So there's no point in like worrying because you just don't know where your life is going to end up. And I don't want to think too deeply into this, but she mentioned she doesn't have a family right now. And maybe she's looking at what she thinks a family should be and where it should go.

A lot of people fucking hate their families. And it doesn't feel like home to them. And it's easy to make it look, especially now right now when you're scrolling and everyone's posting all their nice meals and their house. with their grandma and it's not that simple I love New York it's what I know it feels like home to me but I deep down feel like I could it matters more who you're with not where you are for me yeah so you do have a you have a strong family network I do have a very strong family network but I do feel like if I'm with you I could live in Ireland I could live anywhere as long as you're with people who you love and I think you're also becoming who you are

through these explorations and knowing what you like and what you don't like you're not just like you're acting like you're just flailing around like missing out on some like structure but you're creating it this is part of your story i mean for example like does and i connected over things that we've done which could have been called flailing up until this point um so you never know what place you're going to go that is going to make you feel connected so i think keep going you're doing great try not to think of what you're missing out on you already know you know the answer because you said it yourself like you have to do it obviously what you're really talking about is your fear that the you know the clock is ticking and you still haven't found any sense of stability

but i think that will happen naturally and by the way if it never did and you just you're just a you're just like a like a modern nomad you know in this life then that's okay too well let's also see the other side sometimes stability is the worst you know many people are stuck trapped in trapped in a family in a home they don't want to be in and and i know it's it's what you don't have right now so it's what you're longing for but enjoy this freedom embrace every second of it because it takes you'll meet one person and then suddenly you'll be like wow i want to it's a gift though to be able to work remotely and just like give this a shot yeah and explore you know me it's it's it's fascinating but i also I would say I was similar to her where

you know I did a lot of traveling and I've lived in a lot of different places and just like focusing on myself I've never wanted to nest I've never wanted to nest even when I had apartments in New York City people would people would joke that it was like a hotel was like a hotel or a hospital room

it was just a bed and maybe one photo of me and my cat and that was it I never decorated I was just I'm on the run and then I met Des and suddenly I was like I need pillows, candles. I want to just... It's so interesting that you say you never wanted to nest

because wherever we go, you always have like a spot and then you're always in that spot. Nesting, it doesn't mean I like to lie down. I love, I've always loved laying down. You always like, you get a spot. I'm like a cat. I like to curl up in my spot.

But nesting in terms of like creating... Yeah, like this is my home, this is my oasis. I've never wanted to do that until I met Des. Yeah. And, you know, I used myself as an example, too. Like, even though I'm back in New York and I'm actually around where I grew up, but like, I've had a lot of different lives and I've felt, I felt like comfortable on all of them.

But when you move on, like, new life evolves and like that, that's okay. Like, I think you're really, I think your fears are very rational. It's rational. It's also like a longing. I think you need to just keep moving. It's also like a longing for something you don't have and you feel like you're missing. but it's a lot of people feel that way but they don't realize like I said earlier

where you are right now is perfect and it's where you're supposed to be. Okay, can we do a serious one? We've been doing serious ones. Let's do a fun one, DJ Desi. Just very quickly, I'm not going to play it but somebody else had messaged in about study abroad advice.

Yeah. So very quickly my study abroad advice is always like don't just end up with the people that came from where you left. make sure you try to hang out with as many people from the place that you went and especially if you are going to a place with a foreign language

like just try to put yourself in the best language learning environment possible and make friends with people who don't really speak English okay those are very difficult things you just said but get yourself out of your comfort zone they're studying abroad yeah so you know like you have to try to get the most out of the abroad experience because if you just end up hanging out with the people that like

from your college, then you're basically just on a holiday, whereas if you actually like immerse yourself in the culture as much as possible, then you get, you make new friends, but you also like have a very enriching experience. But it was kind of like similar to the being abroad thing. So I didn't want to, I didn't want to double up. This is, this should be fun. From one married girlie to another married couple, I'd like advice on how you guys see eye to eye. one person is more emotional about a situation and the other person simply just cannot understand it or doesn't seem to want to understand it. I feel like a lot of marriages go through this and this is what my husband and I are going through right now. Neas to say I'm also pregnant,

but if I weren't, you were in a similar boat. I feel as being a female, I'm very, very emotional and him being a male, he's just like, uh, I just sit. and think all day and uh think about all things like food and farts and birds and i don't even have anxiety so i don't even know what you're talking about so yeah if you could just help a girl out thanks wait did she say he thinks about birds well okay that's such a good question hilarious hilarious she said i'm also pregnant okay you are pregnant but that doesn't make your feelings invalid. I do have to say with marriage, something

that's important is you're on the same team. Gosh. Is what you always have to remember. That's right. But also, you're not the same person and you have to keep going back big pictures. What I try to do and think, like, okay, we might be upset about a situation, but what was

the overarching, like, was there, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, dear. We're starting a fight right now. No, we're not. I'm just, kidding um yeah like what's the overarch like there's not actual i forget what the word is because i i still haven't figured out i'd love to help you out i'd love to help you out i have no idea what you're trying to say we've both been in situations where one of us feels something

and the other one is like well you shouldn't feel that way because that's not what i meant but you can't help that that person still feels that way and there's a moment where you could be like well I didn't mean it like that so I don't give a fuck that you feel a type of way where it's like let's go a big picture and be like it doesn't matter what you meant if it hurt that person's feelings you have to acknowledge it and care for them yeah and I also think that you know it can be frustrating at times if particularly in this kind of like almost stereotypical but it's the example she gives of women being more emotional and men being more rational it can be frustrating sometimes for either party if one is leaning on the rational side or the emotional side and I don't think that's man versus woman

I think that's just in any given situation yeah it can be back and forth. Also if men were pregnant they'd be the emotional ones what you want is you want that balance on the team even though at times it can be frustrating for each other

that balance can be very helpful because sometimes you want the practical solution you want the calm rational so always heartless Like sometimes it feels heartless when one person has this like very practical solution but actually in the end it will turn out to be right. And other

times you want the person who understands the emotional depth of the situation. And the empathy behind it. Yeah. But I, okay, I remember the word I was looking for. It's about intent. Look at me acting like a judge. Intent. It's, we look at a bigger situation. Let's let me create a fake

scenario of you know he got back late when you needed him for something and you're really hurt where he's like i had to work late and i didn't try to hurt you so no one was purposely hurt here okay he's not trying to ruin your life and you're also not trying to ruin his life by being upset but he hurt your feelings and in that way you both can fight about that because he's like i didn't do anything wrong and she's like well you hurt me and that moment he can be like I did hurt you and there was no intent to hurt but I understand I hurt you and for that I'm sorry and that emotionally makes her feel better and overall there was no ill intent do you want to tell the story just in relation to this example that

she gives that like guys are like practical and women are emotional do you want to tell the story about when I was in Ireland and you were talking about missing me yeah that's so funny have you ever no broken the bond of trust no No, I'm, I don't. So, so I'll set the scene. So I was in Ireland for, like, it was three and a half weeks, right? Yeah. And Hannah was on the phone one day, and she was expressing that she was, that she was missing me and that I'd been gone too long.

And do you want to? And Des goes, learn how to complementalize. I said you need to compartmentalize. Learn how to compartmentalize. And this is, let me explain to you, doesn't I? We spend a week without each other all the time. There was something about it had, I'm on the road, he's on the road. It had hit that moment where you know when you're like, okay, I really fucking miss him.

And I just want to express it. I'm fine. I'm fine. I just want to express my like that I do care about this man and maybe we remember. You know, like when you have a vacation a little too long, you're like, okay, six days is perfect. I basically was like, I've hit my limit. I don't think we should do this too often. And he literally just looks at me and go, learn how to compartmentalize.

It's funny. She puts that voice on for her husband. It's funny. We would always put that voice on for that. Well, that's because that's exactly what you sound like. Literally exactly what you sound like. But in that moment, I could have taken it very personally. But in my head, I realized he doesn't want to deal with the, like, pain and emotion that I'm trying to put on him right now of sadness.

But he didn't say that he's not sad. He just doesn't want to solve it in that capacity. And then we just started laughing hysterically. And then I told Paige about it. She started laughing hysterically because she's in a long-distance relationship. Paige always thinks that she thinks you're right and she's like, oh, I'm going to use that. And I was like, you two sick fucks. No, I'll tell you though, honestly.

I've lived all my life away from my loved ones. Yeah. So I do have a way. But that's the thing. I was not bringing it up in a like, how do we solve this? No, no, I know. But you were answering it in kind of a joke. But I was joking.

You're joking, but you also. That was joking. All we wanted in that moment was. you'd be like, I miss you too, which you do. I do do that. This is a joke. This goes back to the concept of intent. Him saying that was not a fuck you or whatever.

There was no ill intent. And I think unless someone is trying to hurt you. And then even when someone is trying to hurt you, let's get it back even bigger to be like, are they trying to hurt you or are they projecting their own fucking issues of people who have hurt them onto you? So that's my biggest advice with marriage is. and what I've learned all these last like five years is not to take things

personal and to go big picture is he trying to hurt me and he's a lot of the time it's a misunderstanding but you guys and it's something we have to work on too is sometimes you don't always understand where they're coming from but you're their person

and they need you to empathize with them and it doesn't mean that they're calling you a bad person it just she's a expressing her feelings. And I do think sometimes that guys definitely might be more guilty of not empathizing with like the, you know, just a woman's slightly more emotional response. Because obviously, historically it was like women are crazy. Yeah.

But obviously we realize no, women have actually probably a greater capacity to feel or certainly allow themselves to feel more. Let's do one more. One more. Let's do one more. Kind of sad, but we probably have some good advice about it. Okay, this is kind of sad, you guys, but I just had to say goodbye to my seven-year-old dog, like, freshly seven. She, like, suddenly got cancer, and it just, like, literally daze.

And I've never lost a pet before. And my other dog is really sad and keeps looking for her. And we've had a bunch of death in the family. It's just, like, really bad time. Oh, and I'm pregnant. um so like i've never lost a pet and i don't really know what to do and then the hormones and all the things and like i've read stuff online but you guys have had pets what do you do like how what how do i go on because i'm so sad and this is nightmarish i would say it's borderline worse than losing

a human love you guys thanks for any of advice you have. This is actually the same girls before. She lost her dog and her husband is not giving her. That's not true, is it? I'm just kidding. I'm just like connecting everyone. No, you guys, losing

a pet is very tough. Very fucking difficult. Well, you know, I remember we lost our first dog Scruffy and he remains my password for a long time. I had to change I can't even bring up Trixie in front of my

or he like gets all emotional and then I have to tell him to compartmentalize. And it's it's real grief, you know? Losing a pet is real grief. And grief is tough. There's just no way around it. The, the permanency of loss around grief is just, it's very difficult.

And the pet, I know, like, you actually have hilarious stand-up bits about it, and I've never lost a child. A child? I know. Well, I'm comparing it to like losing a pet, a child.

The thing with a pet is that with a human, you have all these things, oh, they lived a long life or they did what they wanted or like, oh, we didn't get along or whatever. You can make up all these things in your head to try and make you feel better. A pet is just there to love you and you love them so much and you feel, yeah, it's horrible. My biggest advice that I tell people, which is 100% true, but I don't know if it's correct in this situation. Like, for example, Ashley has a time. Ashley, when I say that. Ashley, if girls got to eat, shout out.

Had this dog Dewey, who was love of her life. and I remember she was going through so much grief with it and I was afraid of being like not being a little too quick with it but I basically was like please trust me it's just like a breakup the easiest way to get over it is to get under something else I said foster a dog and she immediately fell in love with a new dog and I believe that sometimes when a pet leaves

it's creating space for you to save a new animal However, you're about to create a new child. I don't know if you want a new puppy in the world. Yeah, because I would normally tell people to get another dog. Yes, that's how you do it. That's my 100% advice all the time is get another animal. Because people always feel, I almost feel like people feel like it's like cheating on your previous. No.

But it's not number one. And you would be shocked at the healing that comes from getting another dog. Yeah, because you're saving another animal. You're about to have a kid, and I think that you need to just feel this grief. You have another pet that needs you to be there for them. And I think that once you have a child, you will, that will definitely help to ease the grief of losing this dog. But I also think that you'll be happy that you didn't get another dog. But I just need to tell you that, like, it's valid.

I actually, losing your parents is tougher, by the way, but just, You know, before I lost my dad, you know, I had grief of losing my grandmother and I had grief of losing a very important friend. But, you know, I hadn't experienced grief like losing my father. But I actually thought about my dogs, Scruffy and Mistress, because my overriding memory of particularly, Scruffy was actually a more important dog to me. but the thing about mistress was, every time I came back from Ireland, mistress barked like a lunatic. And the first thing I would always hear

when I got to the door was mistress barking on the other side. And I remember the first time I came back from Ireland and there was no barking, I almost could hear it. You expect it. You know? And that's like, that kills you when it's not there.

And you walk through the door and the dog isn't jumping up on you. And when I lost my dad, the first time I came home, I actually thought about mistress as well. as my dad because I realize this is the first time that I'm not going to see my dad in the chair but what I will tell you is that sometimes you it takes a long time to not expect to see them but you do get over it you do kind of like life just moves on so I know it seems so painful

right now it will get easier every single day and I do have to say if I was an Instagram psychic, which I might be, your future child is your dog reincarnated. But I do think that, you know, like, I think your child's going to take over your life and, you know, it's going to be such a blessing. You didn't replace the grief with another dog. Yes, it's going to be light of your life. Also, if you still feel like you have the capacity, throw in a puppy, throwing a little kid in. Get a goldfish maybe.

But I do think that this hole in your life will be filled with this new era of this new life you're bringing in. And it's such a blessing that you have a life coming in, in spite of all this death that you've been going through. And it really fucking sucks. And you're hormonal. To be that husband that is understanding your emotions, I'll be that character, all your emotions are valid. And keep feeling them. Be there for your dog and focus on your own. health right now. And let's just say life is not fair because being pregnant is not the ideal time

to lose a dog suddenly, especially because you've now lost this dog suddenly, very tough. But you can name your newborn Scruffy. Especially if it's a girl. Or mistress. Well, you know why we called mistress, mistress was because Scruffy actually ran away. And then he was brought back to North Shore Animal League. And when they went to pick up Scruffy, because I couldn't go because I was failing out of St. Francis prep. So I was grounded and had to be studying. And when they went to pick up Scruffy, they saw a mistress and they saw a dog that became mistress. And they called her mistress because it was the younger dog to Scruffy was the older dog. They called her mistress. No, but we are animal lovers and know that when you do get another dog, just know that you're saving another animal

when you get a new one. And it will make you feel like everything happened for a reason. And we love you. And we love all of you guys. Thank you for calling in to burn our phone. We actually got to go fast. And we did longer than we don't. I know. I have to go to yoga. I have to me my own. I just did my talk therapy. I need my physical therapy. So thank you guys. Next week I'll read out all the suggested prompts. We'll begin the new year fresh. And yeah, check our websites. We have shows coming up. I'm going to be in Irvine and Alabama and some new Gigli Squad shows. And watch me on Netflix torching 2024. I love you. Love you guys. Happy New Year. You know,

Hey, Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.