Berner Phone - Berner Phone #74: Trying New Things In Bed

Episode Date: January 19, 2025

Every now and then, we realize it's time for a spicy episode. The dialers are sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly of new things they've tried in bed.

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up? My Little Dialers, it's Mom and Dad, and we're here for another episode. Mom and Dad, is that what we're doing now? I kind of love when people are like, that's my mom and dad. We have so many children. Wow. Our flock.

I'm a mother. This is great. Welcome back. Exciting week. Exciting week, yes. A lot going on for you. I mean, you just didn't audition. I mean, I don't want to bore the listeners with audition stuff, but I hate auditions. But this one actually went well.

Yeah. This one went well, but I can't stand them. And it was a Zoom. So it's a long time since I had to like talk directly to the casting agent. But anyway, it went well. exactly how I describe blowjobs. I can't stand them, but they go well. Well.

Wait, that's a perfect segue. Come on. But that can't be a perfect segue. Because it's like now every time I'm getting a blowjob, I'm like, well, this is going well, but Hannah can't stand it. No, that's, that was just a joke. It was a joke. I love, love, love, love, love blow jobs.

Hi, Mom. But hey, we're going to talk about a few things before we get into the messages. but let's establish off the bat that this is a dirty episode. I don't want any complaints that it's too filthy. If you don't like sex chat, this is probably our fourth, definitely at least our third in the history of Burn of phone. One thing about us,

every now and then we realize it's time for a dirty app. We don't like too many back to back, but after a couple episodes we go, we got to get dirty. And I don't like the fact that sex is dirty, that that's the word that we used to describe. sex, but it's descriptive in a way that helps people to understand.

So this is a raunchy, dirty, sexual episode. It's good, dirty, and you know what? Sexual activity is sexual wellness, which is sexual health, which is your health. Well done, Hannah. And the prompt actually

was, what's something you've done in the bedroom lately and did it go well or did it go bad? Yeah. So that was the prompt. And not to be like, creepy, like, what are the people doing in the bedroom? but it's important sometimes to talk in like an unbiased way like your friend's not judging you it's not like after a hookup no it's healthy you're talking to us and we're seeing are we not doing things we should be doing are people doing things that they don't recommend that we should just skip and you know maybe it's just for us

to spice it up who knows and i have to tell you in the history of burn a phone the dirty episodes the sexual episodes actually always get more listens so you guys like Only enough, more complaints? Conversely, we get 25% of the prompts compared to normal. Oh, less people submit. Yeah, because it is, it's not the easiest thing to talk about, especially if you know that it's going to be aired. So we appreciate the brave souls that that messaged in.

Yeah, and then there's some people that probably only message in on the dirty ones. They're like, oh, this is where I shine. Yes. We do need to have a little recap. We have some updates. As the crow flies. Very big response. A lot of drama in the GMs.

It's really 50-50. And it's funny because the people that are like, no, you're old and I'm young and I've never heard of As the Crow flies are like adamant that that's why. Right. But then Gen Z, like other younger people have been like, well, I'm young and I know it as the crow flies is. So it's just one of those weird things where some people know it and some people don't. I thought it was just. But I have to say less people knew it than I expected. I thought it was something people said during the Civil War.

Yeah, so apparently... Then I thought maybe it was just something in Ireland that people say, which is not... I thought so, too, but then I googled it afterwards, and it's actually more American. And it actually comes apparently from, like, nautical navigation. Because they would watch where the crow went, and that would be... You'd know that they were going back to the nest. But anyway, it was 50-50. At the beginning, I was feeling like it was very heavily favored in people that didn't know as the crow flies.

But then, oddly enough, in the last couple of days, there's been a lot of people being like, I know as the crowfly. So it's just either you do or you don't. I think it's a great expression. Not to get in the weeds with it, but I would argue that more people would message saying, I know what it means than people who don't. Why would you say that? Because if you don't, you're like, yeah, no one knows what it means. But if you do, you're like, hey, Des, you're right. Well, we put a shout out for people.

And it's okay. Oh, we did have a little bit of a shout out. It's okay. We did, we did. But just for, because actually Mia McGinty, who listens to the both podcast, but I've known her since she was born from West Hampton Dunes, she was like, I don't know what as the crow flies is. And to explain it to her, I said, well, West Hampton Dunes, as the crow flies to East Burritches is

very close, but you have to drive around, right? So that's like as the crow flies. Or for other Long Island people, you know, uh, Orient Point to New London, Connecticut, Orient Point, Long Island to New Haven, Connecticut, not that far as the crow flies, but to drive long way around. Do you say it like that?

Not that far as the crow flies? No, as the crow flies, it's not that far. Yeah, that's what I would say. I swear to God, I've never heard you say it before, but then now I realize. You did because... Do you just say things? And I just am like, no idea what that meant.

They just go over your head. It goes over my head, and I don't really feel like asking what that meant. But I think we've spent more than enough time of a two-pah guest talking about as the crow flies. Yeah, and you also did describe every Long Island city. Because every, because

we had a good response, I just wanted to say that. Now, one other... One other important update. Bit of admin, because we're always saying we want follow-ups, right? So in the episode where what was the, what was the theme of that episode? Shoot, I forget the theme. But the scenario

that people will remember is, she's a barista. Do you want to explain it? Yeah, she's a barista who thinks a guy that's coming in to her coffee shop is cute and she thinks she's given her eyes and she's like, should I take a risk and give him my number? And we were like, go for it, do it, do it, do it.

It was an advice episode. And we said, do it. So she messaged and left a voice message on Instagram. She said she's now kidnapped in a strange man's basement. She's like, help it. Have you seen the movie room? She's like, it's by Orient Point

where the crow. As the crow flies. As the crow flies. All right. We've been watching too much, Dexter. All right. Here we go. So he comes in and we are chit-chatting and he doesn't get his usual drinks. So we're chit-chatting about that.

And my heart's beating so fast, but so cool, calm and collected, which I've never been before my life. I hand him his drink and I'm like, also, would you want to get a drink sometime this weekend? this man freezes, gets so red, and is like, ah, I can't. I'm like, okay, totally fine, no worries. Like, I'll see you around, have a good weekend, whatever. Not even five minutes later, he comes back in with another guy that works in the office that we're like attached to that comes in all the time. And I'm like, oh, shit, he brought him here because he wants to say something.

so this man orders a drink and the one that just rejected me is waiting and I'm like he's going to say something I'm making the drink for the other guy and he's like I'm so sorry I have a girlfriend I'm really sorry you kind of caught me off guard I'm like oh my gosh no worries I figured you're totally fine I just figured I'd ask and he's like yeah I'm so sorry and he leaves and I'm like oh my God. Shaking. Like, feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack, but I'm like, you know what? Grinning from ear to ear because I'm like, I just did that. And I was the calm one. And I was like not rattled and I fucking did it. And now I'm like, damn, I could run through a fucking wall with the amount of like sheer confidence I have now because I've never done that before my life. And I did it. And the

world didn't end even though I got rejected i mean we're tony robbins see now i'm crying like i'm literally crying i'm crying because that is so beautiful and it also made me realize like these are the moments in life and how dating's been so oversimplified and like data analytics algorithm to like messaging people in apps which is so easy but like the high of having like these interactions and like taking a risk and putting yourself out there. And also, the feedback was pretty good as it. I think that's why she got confident because she was like, I didn't feel gross after.

I didn't feel like a piece of shit. I actually felt super confident. I said what I wanted. It wasn't available. And that's great. And for all we know, you know, he might come back in a couple of years and be like, by the way, couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm single now.

Yeah. It should be like, so I have a boyfriend and I own the cafe now. But anyway, that's great. I was a great message. And, you know, because you never know with these advice episodes, you know, like, so anyway, but I always think that's worth a risk, you know? Oh, 100%.

Also, the way she was like, would you ever want to grab a drink? It's so, it's not like, hey, do you want to hang out and be my boyfriend? Like, it's such a casual thing. It was old school, man. I love that. I love that. Also, like, the man is chatty. Like, they're clearly chatting already. It was a perfectly

normal thing for her to do that took risk and I'm so proud of her. Okay, are you ready? Oh, let's get dirty. I want to get dirty. It's about time for my arrival. Do you know what song that is? No.

Christina Aguilera, dirty. But it was X-T-N-A when she was going through her dirty era. All right. X-I-N-A. Oh. Yeah. It was pretty crazy. All right, well, let's get...

Dirty! Yeah, let's get triple X on the area code of burniphone. We've become sex phone operators. Welcome to Hannan Desk. Well, that's one of the... I actually, I have a joke in my show now about, like, that was our only fan. We called, we called 1,900 numbers and talked to 65-year-old women pretended to be 25 for $2 a minute.

When? That's, you don't know about 1-900 numbers? 1-900? You just said sex phone operator. Yeah. That's what a one-night, they were 1-900 numbers. You made money doing that? No, we called them as teenage boys.

Oh, who paid for it? Well, you're supposed to get your parents' permission, but we didn't. So their phone bill was getting charged? Yeah, but they would notice it. And then it'd be like, yo, what's this? I don't know. You don't know about that? No.

Oh, we're a different generation. Anyway, that's for the Gen Xers out there. Speaking of X, let's take that Gen X and triple X. Here's our first one. Hi, Hannah Des. So something new I tried in bed recently was using handcuffs. And my boyfriend handcuffed me to his bed, hers, headboard. and we were doing the thing

and then we were done and he unhooked my hands and like overall it was good you know fun little change but I guess you know it was bad in the end or funny in the end because he was on a Zoom call the next day at work and he forgot to take off the head the handcuffs

from the headboard and so in the back of his background for Zoom calls because he just has his desk in his bedroom there was handcuffs. attached to the headboard and one of his co-workers texted him and was like, bro, I can see those and so could our boss. And so I guess it was bad, but it was kind of funny and yeah. Okay.

Thanks. Bye. PSA. PSA, baby. That does remind me of all the Zoom calls where like you'd see naked people in the background like showering and it got crazy cats but holes. Jeffrey Tubin? Yep.

choking one out. Yeah. We lost this job. That is ruined his career, really. That is so funny. Yeah, I actually know, I'm not going to say who it was, but I was talking to reality TV person once where they shoot at her house

and she said there was like a dildo out and she had to like hide it without the producer's seeing because then it's the whole thing. Yeah, then it becomes like a storyline. Yeah, it was like on a bookshelf and she was like, shit! So yeah, it's always hard to like know how to put stuff away. Yeah, I mean, that's a word to the wise guys

if you're doing anything naughty in a room where you're in a room where you zoom in a room where you zoom wait that is so funny though because a lot of time no not a lot of time but like people make up excuses for things there's no excuse you can make for that besides like oh I wasn't having sex with someone I literally

kidnapped someone yeah I was playing cops and robbers like what are you going to say or like I literally held someone against their will yeah sorry sorry my younger sister has mental health problems Sorry, I can only sleep if one of my hands is handcuffs. My partner snores, so I need a handcuffer so she doesn't snore.

Yeah, like I have a bad shoulder. Somebody did message that and said, I don't have anything dirty to say, but I recently tried sleeping on the side that doesn't have tendinitis, and it's been very helpful. Well, that was your crowd. Yeah, but it wasn't. It was like a younger woman.

But anyway. This is like we snored Advil, before we hook up we don't we don't we take it an hour before bed um okay this is a critique oh i want to get you going because i know this is gonna this is gonna get you going hey hannah hey does saw y'all in new orleans hannah can't wait to see you and page in new Orleans again with my sister and our boyfriends. So, what have I tried and did it suck? Okay, 69, the worst thing ever.

Why do people talk about it? Really bad, not good. Reverse cowgirl, it's exhausting. Pretty much, me on top in general. Sorry about that cough there. Yeah, me on top at all? Yeah, it's horrible. good. I do not like that. My thighs don't appreciate it either. My ultimate favorite is doggy style. Why we call it that it's weird. I don't know. But it is easy on the body and I can face away from him. So there's no weird visual face awkwardness. Anyway, bye. So what we've learned about you is you're kind of lazy.

My joke, I always say girls love doggy Because we can text Oh right And or scroll TikTok Rest and Peace Yes Look She's right about

Pretty much everything 69 I've been joking Is like the thing that you do Like on the like Fifth or six date To like pretend you're somewhere you're not And then really commit to it And then never do it again

Because he's like in his head Has already put you as like Oh yeah she'll do that She'll do that. Yeah, and then, like, three years, he'll be like, wait, check out, we've no, 69. And you're like, oh, my God, I forgot. That's crazy.

Well, come on, let's face it. The longer you're together, the amount of positions you do does diminish. But the 69 thing is like, I do think it's important to, like, add positions. 69 is just chaos. And, like, you know what, I don't like to fully lose control like that. Yeah, but also be responsible. You need to really, like, let go in 69. You're very, like, you're physically and I think almost emotionally exposed in 69.

Yes. And also, you were overstimulated. Because, like, you have to not only focus on him, but you have to focus on you. And then there's a lot, maybe one day I will reach that level of Zen. Yes. In terms of the, like, the riding, you can find, like, lazier ways to do it. But I do have to say, like, on my first color daddy where I talked about the shower scene. Sorry, Mom.

The way my thighs were burning, but I was, I was fighting for that ring. You know, like, I was like, this is a once in a lifetime. You got to have some D1 performance right now. You don't think, like, 30 seconds in I was dying? I really wasn't going to get into, like, R-specific. Go see Hannah's first appearance on Call Her Daddy. I just said it because it's already out there. Yeah.

We've all, we've told that joke before about. the caller daddy thing, right? What? You know, I was like, tell her my friends, don't listen to it, don't listen to her. Then I listened to it, and you're like, make me out to be like this like incredible Casanova.

So then I was like, yeah, 42 minutes. Forty two minutes. Tell her all my friends. Yeah, yeah, she was good. 42 minutes if you want to fast forward to there. She tells a great story. I didn't hear the whole thing, but apparently it was funny.

Yeah, it's funny, huh? So anyway, just to show that it's not universal. somebody else messes in with this so i don't know why it took me so long to try this but i like in the last six months tried doing reverse cowgirl and like i've never been able to come from sex before and now i can so like god's son thank you right love you bye there you go so reverse cowgirl i don't hate right i don't hate i do think there's no normal transition to reverse cowgirl you have to be like hey I'm about to do this so sometimes it's less sexy if you have to like crawl over him with your like back hunched and you know and then

sometimes girls will like froggy it out with your legs like like up oh yeah there's like different ways you gotta have a lot of strength you got you got that's like porn star shit there's yeah there's different the froggy way yeah don't just don't be a hero yeah um I don't I don't I don't I don't think the froggy way is necessary. Also, it is, again, if you think about it, it's kind of nice because you could text. Well, I think more importantly, you really should do that in front of the TV. Oh, yeah. Just have something on.

Yeah. You know? And it's like he has a good view. You don't have to suck in. He doesn't need to watch anything because he's looking at your back. And then you can just watch whatever you like watching on TV. Let your hair sway. Yeah, you have like a murder doc on.

Yeah. You do your thing. It'd be like a documentary about serial killers. Also, by the way, we are not sex experts. Oh, we're having fun here. We're having fun here. I just want to appeal because every now and then you get a message like, hey, I try that and broke my leg. But this isn't an advice app.

Yeah, it's not advice. This is people telling us about shit they were doing. Yes, yes. So people, some people like reverse cowgirl. Yeah, no, I do think reverse cowgirl is way more popular. I thought you were going to say 69 that someone's going to like 69. No, no. That's why I just wanted to, I just wanted to.

So this is, say, I'd never heard of this before. So my boyfriend at the time and I were long distance and we went on a trip together and he surprised me in the hotel with this like build your own dildo kit and basically you like poured goo into this cylinder and then you had to like flip it upside down like on his wiener and when we were trying to make it he couldn't get himself. to stay hard because he's like this cold goo is just touching my dick and we did it in the shower because we were afraid of making a mess and then all the goo and we put it down the drain clogged the drain

and it was this whole mess and he's my husband now but we like could I could not stop laughing it was such a mess I never used it it was just too weird anyway

I mean, you don't bring arts and crafts into the country. I was about to say the same exact line. This is not a time for arts and crafts. I don't need to be watercoloring. Yeah, listen, DIY. If I'm bringing DIY, the only thing, by the way, the only good DIY I am, the only thing I'm good at DIY at is masturbation.

So I'm not bringing any other DIY I've done has been average at best. So I'm not bringing it to sex toys. I do like that they trauma bonded, but it's like they're basically trying to make a gumway worm. I also love, though, that he was trying to like, I don't know how he was sold that this idea would have been good, but he was trying to do something different and exciting. And I love how he just couldn't get hard with his thing that he brought. Yeah, but like if you're going to make a sex toy out of your own cock, then like, that's like a gift. It's like, hey, I made this out of my cock here.

You go, but you don't need to make a sex toy out of your own cock when your cock is there. Yes. It just seems like entirely unnecessary. That is Sex 101. Why do you need to make a version of your cock? Like, is that like, it's, is that like one of these teeth, you know, teeth molds? Oh, yeah. Like you're getting braces or something.

I also think, like, when you have to add that much stuff, like talk about the moment being over. Like, you could lose me real quick with that. Yeah, plus I'm assuming that the average sex toy company has put in like a lot of market research. and, you know, like, done a lot of trial and error on shape. Why am I going to use my first-time sex toy manufacture? I don't want to build a bear your cock. What a what? Build a bear?

Do you not know what build a bear is? Oh, no. We missed each other because that was a good line. That was a great line. Builder bear is all the kids like to go to a build a bear where you build like a teddy bear that's perfect for you. It's like a thing at the mall that everyone like lost their mind with. I'm sorry. I just didn't get the bloody reference.

Oh, goodness gracious me. But this is the, you know, this is sometimes. This is what keeps us fresh. Yes. We never know what each other's saying. Last week it was as the crow flies. And this week it's as the bear turns into a penis. Build a cock.

That's the name of the episode as a bear turns into a penis. Build a cock. But low-key, I do like arts and crafts. I just want to say that for anyone who's wondering. Right? I love arts and grass. Sorry, you're trying to let me know that I'm supposed to go by if I can make your own dildo set?

No, but you haven't once painted me like one of your little French girls. A barney cock? Do you know I want to do? I want to do one of those dates where we paint each other and at the end you show each other the painting.

But I'm terrible. I'm like just not a visual artist. I'm only a visual. I'm a words guy. Okay, and you can write about how beautiful I am. Okay. I'll write you a poem and you paint me a picture.

I just realized something. What? I don't want to give away the magic of podcasting, but I'm kind of annoyed that I didn't just say, hey, let's pretend that I did know the reference and then just laugh and then be like, oh my God, that's so funny. That's what I do with most of your joke.

That's a cock block. That was a roast. Wow. You got roasted. Roasted. He gave me a meatball, so I had to... Oh, yeah. He gave me a meatball.

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code burn before checkout for 50% off your first week. That's 50% off your first week by using code burn, B-E-R-N, or go to cookunity.com slash burn. Let's get into this next one. girl i have been waiting for a prompt to tell this story okay so i'm hooking up with this guy right we've hooked up a few times this is the first time that we were at his apartment though um while we're in the middle of it he asks should i go grab the theragun i was like what what is a therogun and he's like oh you'll probably really enjoy it so i'm like okay sure go grab it he comes out with a full body massage gun if you know what a theragun is you know okay he comes out with a full body massage gun okay and he starts using it right he starts using it on me i immediately have to ask him to stop because

because it feels like I'm getting punched in the vagina over and over again, right? Next morning, I wake up bruises all over my vagina. We're talking outside. We're talking inside, okay? I do want to give him some credit, though, because I can understand that he might think that it's similar to a vibrator, but baby, those two things are not the same. And what's even crazier is I found out that this is a thing that he does with a lot of other girls okay so i i had to teach him a lesson but it ran out how did she teach him a lesson again i got

it's like she told him please don't do that oh yeah but this i this is this is the thing if you don't know what a theragun is it is the machine gun of massage guns it's i mean when i saw this i because we own a therogone we have a therogun which you use for like crazy knots i i i wouldn't put that anywhere near a sensitive part of my body like i would never even put it on your face never in a million years. If it was attached to a pillow, would I put it near your vagina? You know, have I thought about it? Yes. No, I just, it's so funny when, like, you hear your friends hook up with a guy you hooked up with, because they'll be like, did he do that thing? And you're always like, yeah,

wasn't that? Like, some guys just like, they think something works. And that's their thing. And he's like, oh, wouldn't it be crazy for us that were going on you? Like, maybe a girl did like it. Because girls' vaginas are different. girls can handle it more or maybe like on your on your clitoris that's fucking intent no that's super also the fact that she was bruised up that's that's crazy um no that's insane behavior but i'm glad that you spoke up when you were like no thank you and a PSA no theragon on the vagina i mean if you're scientifically if you're if you're if you're DIY inclined and you can attach like a dildo to the end of the theragon and then you have this

quick motion and maybe maybe but the pounding of that theragon yeah for people to know it's a pretty big like yeah the end of it is like the end of it is i'd say twice the size of the head of a hammer again i like maybe even three times i like that he had a creative vision yeah i like that he had a plan that he want to implement these are all like good green flags but um ending result no I wonder he literally probably was like oh this would be sick

and like it's like a kid who's like you know let's build this and throw like it just it's not now do you think that he misunderstood or maybe he heard like you know Lisa Trager has that really funny routine about the what is it like the Samsung

wand the massage wand oh yeah people have used massages for yeah but that's like the massage wand not the theragon The massage wand is basically just like a quite a strong vibrator. If it has a gun in the word, let's not put it towards our pussy. If there's a gun anywhere in and around it, let's keep it away from our crevice.

Yeah, massage wand sounds like magic wand, sounds like a cock. Yeah. Unless if it's, you know, my joke, powerful Queen Canon sounds like a vibrator. That's the most powerful vibrator I won't come in. Well, a canon, in fairness, a cannon is powerful. It's powerful. But no, Theragun, I feel like they should have a warning on it. Like, don't use this on a drunk girl who comes over and just wants to have a fun time.

Yeah, or your fucking quads. It's so strong. It's so strong. I'm in shock. Like, how does every girl this guy has ever been with nothing? Like, get that. No. Like, ow.

It's good Bruce. First, like, because he probably does it confidently, you think, like, oh, I should like this. Or you're like, oh, this is going to be sick. Like, he recommends this. And then, no, bruises on, no. No, thank you, sir. Now you're, now you're Therrigan, boy, forever. You're going to like this one.

This is, this is relevant to us. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Desi boy. So, something that I don't know if you would consider new in the bedroom is just feeling awkward when you're, dog's watching you. It's like, what do you do? Do you just let him watch you or do you kick them out? So something new is we've decided we're going to kick him out. Who's the guy yelling in the back? Um, first of all, Desi boy. You loved it. Well, it's like an Irish who are, go on Desi boy.

But like the way she said, I've never really heard like that. Hey, Desi boy. Um, so we, well, it is, The animal thing is kind of weird. But I feel like in the animal kingdom, they don't like need privacy to fuck. No. They're fine with it. So I think they're looking at you. Go you.

I remember when I had balls. Yeah. Or they're judging your technique being like he's not even doing doggy, right? Yeah. He's like, that's my style, motherfucker. But it is dogs as we've learned can ruin, not us,

my friends. No, no. We can definitely. I think have we told the story before? We told it before. Did we? I think so.

But we can reference it again. When Haley and Haley and. We don't have to throw it. names around. Well, it doesn't matter. You talk about them all. How could you suddenly say, we can't say Haley's name? You literally like, you made her part of the salami squad. No, I know, but it depends what the story is. Yeah, but it's their dog. They're not in the story. They're not in the room. It's just their dog. Okay, continue. Haley and Dave came to the house with their, what kind of dog is it again? Shih Tzu. It's a little shih Tzu. And they were, we actually said we

would dog sit because we had a house full of people that weekend and they wanted to go out no they wanted to stay out yes so we're like hey we'll go home early and by the way the dog was so quiet so cute curled up next to us while we were watching tv yeah and let's face it we had a house full of people for a lot of days we were actually going home early literally to get some business done yeah and but the dog what was like would not stop barking while we were having sex we were fighting it was like fighting for its life to get in between us and then was it did he start licking my my leg or your leg he did something where you were like no can't do it was he was looking my leg and i was just like no i'm sorry i just i can't feel like i'm in a threesome with a dog you know

no with a dog but i i made a joke to haley after and she was like oh yeah yeah that dog's ruined well that's why you don't want to say their name i wasn't going to say that part No, but she just made a joke like, yeah, we have to get the dog out of the room. Yeah, yeah, so. She's like, yeah, we haven't had sex in 42 months. But we had to keep, we had to keep Abby out of the room. Abby would, like, Abby would, like, get on top of us. When we started, even, actually, it wasn't when we were having sex.

It was like, if we were trying to have foreplay and Abby was still in the room, Abby would just, like, jump all over us. Like, no, that's not. But there are some dogs that, like, don't let you hug. You know those dogs. Abby was a bit like that. Yeah, she was a little jealous. Yeah.

It was a little possessive. A little possessive. Yeah. But it is funny when you like don't even know the dog and you're at some guy's house and the dog's in the room and you're like, I mean, I haven't even introduced myself formally and I'm like flashing my pussy.

Yeah, to the dog. I do have to say cats will normally be like, I'm out. This energy is freaking me out. The problem with cats is they're normally under the bed. You've got to be careful not to be too buck wild. Well, every night and then we'll finish and then butter like runs out from under the bed.

And I'm like, oh no, my baby. What did you see? What did you hear? Yes. Are you okay? You guys know I'm obsessed with Osea and during this wintertime, I am dry. I've never felt less hydrated and that's why I want the best quality moisturizer. And I'm obsessed with Ocea. Well, Paige told me about them.

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because I wear them all the time. And I'll tell you why. Number one, they fit like a super expensive high fashion t-shirt. You know the way you put on a cheap t-shirt, it just feels like it doesn't have any shape to it. True Classic fits like, you know, it came straight from Milan and it costs like $150, but it certainly does not cost that. Not to mention, for a guy like me, I'm 49 years old, it's got fitting sections where you want

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Okay, just to preface this, I am in a queer lesbian relationship. I am the more masculine presenting person in the relationship. If you know anything about lesbian culture, a lot of femmes won't touch their masculine partners. It's a whole thing. Look into it if you want. But anyways, in the relationship I have been in for about a year and a half now. My girl loves to touch me to say the least. So there's a lot of new things that I am trying.

And the other night, baby girl was strapping me down, getting down and dirty. and she stuck her finger in my booty. And I fucking loved it. I am a whore for my girlfriend. She can do literally whatever she wants to me. Hannah, I know that you're not a fan of anal, but maybe you can have Des just like pop a finger up there or something like that. I don't know.

Have some fun with it. 10 out of 10 would recommend. Des, how much money did you pay this girl to send this in? How did you even find this girl to send this in? Oh, yeah, sure. I went on fucking lesbian.com. I was like, hey, guys, help a straight white guy out. I do.

Like, I was inundated with just incredible goodwill from the online lesbian community. It's like, sorry, my dumb wife won't let me play with a butt. And you guys want to help me out? I do have to say, I did recently get a message. were like look we and lesbians were fucking in like we are very close and they were like you know in some

in some realms you and page are a lesbian relationship and Paige is the femme one and I'm like the mask one yeah um I've never heard the the femme one not touch the mask one yeah I've heard of like girls who were like straight and we'll be like

well I'll let her go down on me or something or no I think no no okay now I'm making stuff up but I heard that straight girls who hook up with the gay girls, they want to go down on the gay girl because they're like, if I'm going to do it, I want to do it. Something I've never experienced.

I want to see what it's like. But then sometimes, yeah, like, I guess this is a thing. I was thrown when I heard that, like, in lesbian relationships, they have tops and bottoms too sometimes. Oh, right. Yeah, so, like, she would be like the top.

But it sounds like she's bottoming right now. That's a bottoming. That was, that was... Well, this whole relationship, she's been bottoming. Which is new for her. That's what she was saying. Yeah, yeah.

I wonder if lesbian's 69. maybe we just do a whole lesbian episode next to learn we have a decent amount of anyway this was a great this was a great one that was great because hey listen i love butt stuff we've we're not that's not a secret right i don't i by the way we're joking but hannah is under absolutely no pressure to have any uh male to female butt stuff happened to her can i do say though lesbians are ideal for butt stuff because they have small fingers no they have small fingers but they cut their nails. Right. The way you can tell a girl's real is she has her nails cut because that means she is doing the right thing and taking care of her partner. I've been

Is that part of lesbian culture also? Yeah. So like if you see a girl with long nails, you're like, okay, well, she's not getting down. Right. And tell me if I'm wrong, because I may be wrong, but that's what I've heard from my community. You're saying that to the, to the dialer, not to me. No, yeah, to the dialer. But like I've had long nails for a while now, so I don't want to hurt anyone. No, but she's saying that you need to experience it. Oh. Have you not listening?

She's saying, let me do it to you. I do have to say. And I have no nails. I've been practicing this joke on stage, and it's, I don't even say a joke. It's not a joke. And people have been laughing, but I just go. I'm talking about something poop related

and then I'm like have you ever had a poop so good that like it's better than sex and like your eyes roll behind your head and you're like I'm just going to let go drink a coffee and let go and like God like that's what I want to do and people like go nuts about it

and it's like I don't know if anything that feels great but that's the leaving not the going in the going out feels good right well I mean listen great

great message in I didn't actually, I didn't know that lesbians were into butt stuff. And obviously she what I'm taking from this is that she hadn't experienced it. Yeah, but no, lesbians are into everything. Yeah.

Because you know what lesbians are. She loved it. She was 10 out of 10 recommend. The whole joke is that lesbians, because they have unlimited orgasms, are fucking all night long. They have to start experimenting with other stuff. Like, no one like comes like a guy and then they don't have an erection.

Like you're constantly, and the more you come the more turn on you are and it's just like they have sex all night and again it's not universal like but stuff so if anybody out there is like I don't like it that's totally normal too just for the record I don't want people I also recently heard a stat

about lesbians that could be wrong but it's just very interesting they have the lowest rate of STDs but the highest rate of divorce high rate of divorce so maybe herpes brings you together is what we learned from that

did you I reckon there's somewhat of a joke in there Yeah, I'm trying to find it Yeah, you'll find it But that's a good That's a good start There's something there There's something there

What does that say? I mean the herpes bringing together Did get a laugh Yeah Could begin something It's change the vibe here Hi Hannah and hi jazz Love the Pod

I don't know if this counts As something new But I'm currently 40 weeks And five days pregnant And I haven't had sex 40 weeks pregnant until just like the other day, because everyone says, oh, you know what you got to induce labor. Okay, I will try.

So I'm like, all right, husband, this is your job. Time to shine. And so we start, try. And I'm like uncontrollably laughing. Can't stop. And my husband's like, really? I'm like, well, you feel like a beached freaking whale that is like out of water and you can't move and you can't find a position. I'm like, okay, let's try this.

Side link. Nope, that's not going to work. Oh, let's try a dog. Nope, that's not going to work. I'm like trying to like hop up on it and you've got this big old belly. Oh, my God. Oh, it's just, it's terrible. Terrible.

Bad. All bad. All bad. All bad. We did succeed. And try it again and it was better. I looked at the girl earlier was like, I can't get on top. She's like, yeah, this girl's carrying like two people's worth of weight. She's pregnant. She's like, I rode that dick.

I was slapping my belly button off his chin. He was licking my belly button with me on top That's great Well, a lot of pregnant women Say that sometimes They get horny They get horny But also that their husband

Becomes like crazy attracted To that body as well Yeah, isn't that part of the whole It's all Animalistic pheromonal stuff Blooming is it Is it what they say? You're glowing

Yeah I mean crowning eventually happens. Oh, no, but there's a word for like, how pregnant woman look like that. Yeah, she's always, she's glowing. All right, this is what, this is one for the people who just like it basic, okay?

Because we don't want anyone listen to this being like, oh, God, I'm so normal. So I feel like I'm pretty boring. I am almost 23, so I feel like I should be doing crazy, wild things. But I'm not. My boyfriend and I recently tried, like, standing.

and that didn't work, bad height difference. We've tried in the shower, which is always bad. So those are both horrible. And so all I'm learning is that really I'm a pillow princess. And that's always good. Me having to do nothing always turns out right. So I think I'm going to stick with that. Thanks.

Bye. Yeah. I know I love that. I do think sometimes, like, you can try other things and then always end with the good old thing you guys know is going to work that you guys like. Yes. okay to start somewhere and then be like oh fuck it and then let's go back to the let's go back but you can

start like you're two different people you know um i think that being adventurous early on helps then when you go back to your sure thing the sure thing still feels better because you've had some some new excitement on the front end i do have to say though speaking in general for women and talking to other women you learn more about your body as you get older and also the more comfortable you are in the relationship, the better orgasms you're going to have. So, like, I know a lot of women that in their later 20s and 30s, including myself, who've realized new ways to orgasm. So you haven't unlocked it, but there's more potential there of ways for you to feel good,

and you will find it. So don't be afraid to try to find it. And you could start with yourself, doing it on your own DIY. And here's the other thing. Like, it's really a blessing to be somebody that's just, like, needs, only the basics to get off. Oh, yeah. Because some of these people and the shit that they're into

and like how hard it is to organize and swap, you know, like in the lifestyle and fucking tying people up. Like, it's a lot. Drink Gatorade to pee on someone. Just to have the same orgasm. You have to get a furry zip up. This is, yeah, that's why I joke about. Just have the same thing.

That's some rich people's shit. Like they need to have their toe tickled and some servant do something. And it's like, it's nice to be able to just lie there. and have a nice time. I used to... The simple life. I used to see hot women on soap operas and that was enough. Yeah.

I missed the simplicity of it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, the simplicity is where it's at. Oh yeah, I love this. Hey guys, love the pod. So mine has just has to be like eye contact.

And I don't mean like staring into their soul. But like being comfortable making eye contact. sounds kind of crazy but it's definitely a good thing unless you don't really want to see them again then it's kind of a bad thing but yeah I think it's a good thing overall

love you guys we're not great with eye contact because when we have eye contact we just start like fucking making jokes and like saying stupid shit but we don't completely not do it like sometimes you don't

but we'll be like see you're still there Moment of that. But we have other ways of connecting. No, I understand, but, like, we tend to get, like, start doing stupid shit when we're looking at each other too much. I do have to say, with eye contact, there's a happy medium. Because when there's too much, you're like, okay.

Yeah, it's like, what? Psycho. Honestly, I do. Sorry, go ahead. What are you going to say? No, like, you don't want to feel like he's staring into your soul or, like, he's envisioning, like, ripping your skin off and wearing it. Like, if you're looking at me for too long, I'm just, I'm literally going to be like, what?

No, that's what, no, that's literally what you do. That's all you do. Literally, I'll just be like looking in your direction. You'll be like, what, that's marriage, is looking at your partner and them going, what? And you're like, I'm sorry, I'm not in the subway staring at a random stranger. What are you looking at? Take a photo last longer. Sorry, there's only so many places to look in this apartment.

And you happen to be the other person here. You do it all. And I was going, nothing. But yeah, I contact, I think, certain moments, but then also sometimes with orgasming, like, I don't want him looking at me. You're very much a... Let me figure it out. Yeah, you need like a touch of your own space. Give me some space.

You ruined yourself. Well, I don't want to also, like, be thinking about how I'm looking. Like, anything could distract me from that moment. And, like, you know, like, you get all red or, like, you're scrinching in your face. Who fucking knows. But yeah, eye contact is hot to an extent, is my opinion. Did I tell you the Miss Maureen story? No.

About when she gave us masturbation advice in seventh or eighth grade? Yes, vaguely. Did I say it on the pod? Yeah. I'm not going to say it again. No, I won't say it again. Yeah. But I'm doing it in my new show.

But anyway, I won't repeat myself. It also, Giggly Squad, we have New Orleans coming up. And also, I have a show in. shows in Alabama I'm gonna play we're finished with the sex stuff but I'm gonna play we had another

feedback from last week which I'm really a big fan of people yeah continuing the vibe just so people know that a big fan of that and it's always the same link so a lot of people say to me when do you post

the link so actually just a PSA the link is always the same and the link is always the same And the link is always in the description of the pod. Guys, if you're, if you like messaging in, save the link. And the link is in the description of the pod, as Hannah just said. So you can message in whenever, uh, about anything really. Um, I see them all just so you know.

So this came in. Yeah, just calling because, um, I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the fact that Hannah just said she eats the fucking the chicken wing bone. you eat the chicken wing bones and then Des is going to go I swallow the cherry pit and then she's going to say you're going to die

you're eating chicken wing bones okay I said that a tree was going to grow in his stomach I never said I'm going to die I actually did get a bunch of messages I think of people just like worried for me okay

I don't eat the femur you know like I'm eating the thin little ones and I'm chewing them In general I've just always considered that chicken bones to be like a problem There's a lot of iron in it Really? Yeah

Are you anemic? I would have been if I wasn't eating chicken bones So Oh god Callers don't you ever call in again and take Desa's side? Thank you, just going to say that No but I know she's poking fun at me

No, she's joking. hilarious she's joking i i like the the follow-on stuff i really do and you know what it does it makes you feel like people are invested well we've built a community of dialers that are strong and smart and hilarious now and confident they believe in themselves yes i just added a dublin show so i'm doing three shows at the olympia theater i added february 27th i think it's on my website and there's not a lot of tickets left from my my entire Irish tour. But go on my website.

I think there's tickets maybe in Killarney and Bantry and a couple left in Belfast. And I think basically everything else except for this new Dublin date that I added are gone. And then I'm back in America in March, in Miami,

Long Island, New Jersey. Got a lot of dates. I'm back in Phoenix. I think I've booked a show in Denver, but it's not on my website. Anyway, all that stuff will be on there. Thank you guys so much for calling in. And we'll talk to you guys later.

Thank you so much. Bye. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. Longtime Giggler here. Love you guys. Love Giggly Squad. Love it all.

Okay, a thing that I've tried that I liked was getting my ass eaten. If a man ever asked me to do that, Tim, I'd probably be like, I'm not so sure about that. But highly recommend for the girlies, and I feel like everyone should get on it. Also, hot tip, you should do an enema beforehand. If you don't know what it is, look it up. It'll make you feel very, like, clean and cleared out. And the feedback I've gotten from the guy in this situation is that

it was tasteless and odorless, which made it for, made it to be a great experience for both parties. So highly recommend, yeah, who would have thought? Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I recently tried building an emotional connection with someone before sleeping with them, and it was fucking awful, and I don't know why people do that. Um, yeah, that's it. Okay, bye. So, My husband accidentally drooled in my mouth once, and now he actively spits in my mouth, and it's the best. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. I saw this prompt, and I thought I would respond. I have to say, I tried this something new a little accidentally. I had been seeing this guy for about two months and he had a work trip relatively close to where we live

and so he invited me to come and stay with him at the hotel so I said sure we had a wonderful dinner get back to the room head to the shower things are getting hot and heavy and as things go hands and things are moving and he decides to go to the wall-mounted shampoo and conditioner to use the conditioner in the shower as lube. And in my head for a moment, I was like, this is probably a bad idea, but that's the last thought I gave it. I probably should have paid a little more attention and thought a little more about it because I regretted that later. Never use conditioner for lube.