Berner Phone - Berner Phone #75: Craziest Things You Did For Money

Episode Date: January 25, 2025

Will people really do anything for money? We're finding out this week as the dialers share the wildest things they've done for money. Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF + a FREE Gift at https://huel.com/BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. I am in Irvine, California for shows this weekend. And Des is eight hours away. Eight hours ahead. It is a quarter to 12.

P.M. Dublin. I've just driven back from a great show in Kilkenny. And, well, we've been through hell here in Ireland over 24 hours. So this has been a hectic return to Ireland. Well, let's not compete with Los Angeles. Oh, this is, this is, I wasn't even trying to compete. You're in Orange County. So don't, don't do a classic, don't do a classic, um, oh my, God, I'm so close to the, oh, I'm so affected. Listen, it's a tragedy, but it has nothing to do with you, Hannah, just for the record. Whereas I was driving away from a hurricane last night, leaving court. Anyway, Ireland had a status red warning storm, storm, Eowen, and there was a lot of power

outages, and there was a fear that I was going to have to cancel some shows, but luckily, just timing-wise, it just about worked out. It is funny, though, whenever there's bad weather, I always think about how stand-up shows, especially at clubs, are, like, in bunkers. And I'm like, I feel like being a stand-up show is kind of the safest place to be during a weather apocalypse. Although the cellar did literally flood one time. Like, the water just started pouring down the stairs and into the club. Like, there's footage of people, like, ankle deep or sorry, like half deep in water walking out of the cellar. there was like a tornado warning or wind warning or something

and everyone's phone started going off at the stand and I was like guys we're I don't know about anyone else but we're good so well that's that's what happened to me last night I felt bad because so I was in cork right and cork is like was really in like the hot zone but it wasn't supposed to start until 2 a.m. And then do you know the way sometimes people get up at your show and like you kind of know they're going for a piss but it's very hard to think of the

These people are not walking out. Yeah, it affects you mentally. Yes. So I saw like, I call people out. I say, what are you doing? Where are you going? Why?

Well, there was a few more than normal. And I had done about an hour 10. So, you know, it was pretty already been a substantial show. I wasn't taking it too personally that late because you think, oh, babysitter or something. But like more than normal around that time. And then when I got off stage finally, because I did an hour and a half,

Steve Mullen, who was driving us, you know, he was open for me. He was like, bro, we got to go, bro. there's been two warnings. So what was happening was like these things were popping up on people's phone and people were like panicking. Steve was panicked and honestly

there was a moment where I nearly pulled off the road and got a hotel. It was hairy. Well yeah, and then you guys were talking to me on the phone and I like have I'm just like yeah you know this is what I'm due with my day and you're like we are in the eye of a hurricane. Yeah, well we were trying to keep ahead of like what possibly would become.

It is funny though you're like on stage the only one that doesn't see their phone making you know you're just for jokes and people are I didn't do just for men these last two nights speaking of just for men do you want to talk about your new podcast that's soon to be sponsored by

just for men I'm insulted that they haven't reached out yeah yeah why hasn't just for men reach out for this podcast you know I mean I got I have grays but tell them about your new project well I have a new podcast with John Bishop

he's a not related but relatable that's one of our taglines but he and I've been friends for a very long time and he's been pondering doing a pod and he asked me to do

start last week so he was very much like we're doing it he's from Liverpool and he was like that's it we're doing it so it went from like

finding out I was doing a new pod to doing a pod in a couple of days and with your permission we have taken like not the whole pod isn't driven by calls like burn a phone

but we will definitely be using some some crowd interaction so you want to hear a funny thing about the bernophone John Bishop Crosso so Bradley is John's assistant who helps with the pod so we're trying to get a few messages

yesterday and the day before and like half the messages were hey Hannah and Des I posted the link and they just thought it was a burtophone link so half the messages were actually people thinking they were calling it to burn a phone and then the other thing was that I triggered like

a mini panic. Because I had a lot of people thinking that this was the beginning of the end of Burnaphone, but it is not. It is a separate pod. And it's, it's also not a man pod, but it's definitely like us manning out a little bit. Because we only did three messages today. We recorded today for our second episode. We only did three messages, but two of them were men. And one was a woman. So it was like, it was quite the shift from Burnaphone. So it's definitely not trying to take over burner phone we have an open podcasting relationship yes your your husband is john bishop and mine is page the sorbo and yeah we have we're in a we're in a quadruple but i do have to say a lot of people that listen though to burner phone didn't really know you and then i think like the listeners now feel

so much close to you and they surprisingly some of them surprisingly you're like wow like i i really relate to him or i like a sense of humor i learned from him And if you like that Zaddy mentality, which I've been promoting for a long time, this is the ultimate Zaddy podcast, the Bishop Exchange. The Bishop Exchange, which is the name of the podcast. Yeah. So two of the hottest Zadis in America and London. Comedy.

In comedy for sure. But that's not impressive to be hot comedy. But we don't need to promo the Bishop Exchange as much as I would like to say that for anyone who expressed some. out about the continuation of burn the phone i actually have couldn't be enjoying burnifone more so this is like i feel like burniphone is literally just in their blossoming era you know um i've been hanging out with not to make you jealous that i hung out with other comedians but i was with ali colbert and we were talking about good looking comedians and how like out of comedy

i don't know like like reality tv i joke like i'm a six like i'm i'm the like personality higher on a reality TV show. Yes. But then how she looks like she goes, you're the Giselle of comedy, except you can't do Jiu-Jitsu. And it's just so funny, the like the comedy world

and how looks are so different in that form of entertainment. Yeah, well, sense of humor, you know? At the end of the day, Pete Davidson was banging Kim Kardashian, so there's definitely, there's definitely some laughs going in there. I don't care how much you like tattoos,

but in a noise, If that guy wasn't funny, he wasn't banging Kim. That's all I'm going to say. And I don't want to be disrespectful. No, we're not. We support ugly people, too, on this pod. We love all types of people. I'm also, I'm working on this bit about how I have a wide range.

Like, I can pass as ugly and hot. And it's like, it's kind of a skill. Like, not a lot of people, like, hot people, they'll try to, like, put glasses on or, like, put mud on their face. And it's like, Megan Fox, you're hot. where, like, I actually, like, I'm, like, fluid in hotness. Interesting. And it's, like, kind of a, like, it's a scale. Your attraction, your attraction is fluid?

Yes. Yes. And, like, because when I put on makeup and, like, go off, people treat me like a, like a celeb who just had a baby. They're like, she looks amazing. Yeah, well, basically, every time you get dialed up, people are like, you should do this more, you know? Most celebrities, most celebrities, most celebrities. Celebrities never want to be seen other than like this, whereas Hannah's just like, oh, every

now and then I'll actually make myself look good. But I was saying that I like being ugly because like ugly is, you're not, you're never ugly. Will you stop? This is ridiculous. No, but it's kind of, it feels like the lower level of the Titanic, like it's more fun. Like, you don't have to care about all these things. So your face is steerage. Is that what you're saying?

Your face is steerage. Wow. I can, I can see fucking people jigging all over your face. fucking having to laugh before they die You don't have to worry about like editing your photos and like making sure you look good and shit You can just dance

You dance like nobody's watching Hot people, it's a lot of pressure A lot of stress but anyway So speaking of The last I was actually just about to say One more thing on that But now it's gone out of my head So you're like I have nothing to say

About being ugly I've never known it, never felt it So that's all you This week's prompt came from a dialer I'm sorry I keep forgetting to remember the names of the people that send these but I screenshot the text the DM and it was the craziest things you've ever done for money which was a fantastic prompt the craziest weirdest things you've ever done for money which honestly feels kind of naughty but then I got the most funny DM because I thought I was going to be

serious things and someone just goes I just realized I've done so many stupid weird things for free. Yeah, what a waste. Yeah, because this is this podcast is going to drive that person insane because they're going to realize how much money people have been making for shit that she probably did for some weirdo boyfriend in the past. I do have to say for all the entrepreneurs listening, like money, everything's negotiable and nothing is free and you could put a price on anything.

And I hope people leave this inspired. and sell their bodies for money. Yeah, I mean, we're not, we're not, we don't stand. We're pro sex work here. We're pro sex work, yeah, but a lot of this is, well, listen, there was a lot more selling sex stuff than I was expecting on this prompt, to be honest with you. But there's a lot of just like opportunistic money making based around, I guess, you know, hotness.

But there's some fucking weirdos out there. That's one thing that Bernifone has been teaching me. Not the people that dial in, but the stories about the people that they're interacting with. That's all I can say. I love it. We're like, we're no judgment. And there's like, there's some fucking freaks out there. Let's go to the videotape here.

Oh, yeah, this was very interesting. Okay, I'm going to try to fit this all in. So basically there's this Facebook group called Are We Dating the same guy? I ended up seeing the guy that I was dating on this group and message the girl that posted anonymously. And then we ended up connecting and realized that our time. timelines overlapped and he was seeing us at the exact same time, seeing the exact same things. And we were like, fuck this guy. We got together. We ended up becoming best friends. We're two years into it and we're best friends to this day. But we decided how are we going to fuck with

his life? And then one of our friends was like, as a guy, he's like, you should tell him that you're pregnant. That will really fuck with him. So we both told him that we were pregnant. About two weeks apart, we lied. We told him that we didn't want to keep it because we were lying and that we would need to shmarsham and because we're in Canada and he's in Australia, he doesn't know our laws. So we said we needed a private one and it was going to cause so-and-so dollars. So anyways, we got $2,500 each. We took that money. We went on vacation together.

It was a long backstory, so don't come from here. I mean, that's pretty amazing. That's like at least a short movie. That was a movie. That was amazing. that was iconic oh my god because he deserved it i mean yeah do you remember that site do you remember that facebook page i don't remember it i think it's still a thing i never was used it um but it's yeah like are we dating the same guy now first of all i just have to say

there's a lot of dating where it's like yeah you you go on dates but it's like yeah if you two both think you're exclusive i also have a theory that when a guy likes to girls a lot of the time like you are similar to her and it's not the first time that I've heard a story or I've experienced like really liking the girl that he also was interested in because I'm like wait she's hilarious and beautiful he has amazing taste and I that was girlhood that story was entrepreneurship girlhood um it was also a little bit jaw roly where he was they led him astray he was And then what are you talking about? You're talking about the fire festival?

Yeah. How does this? What? What? No, I was, he had. That was a leap. It was a leap, but just bear with me. Jarl had a great quote that that guy from Australia would say, which was, I was

bamboozled and led astray. And they bamboozled that motherfucker. Now, I wonder if this guy actually ever found out. Now, you know, it's funny because I was like very supportive. there at the beginning but the more I thought about I was like it is also kind of fucked up I mean it's kind of like theft it is theft but

hopefully he learned his lesson in terms of like hopefully there's lesson yeah and and the internet knows the internet knows but you know why I never get mad what do you never get mad about

when women steal money there's a wage gap it's kind of like you know like target how like they add taxes for people stealing. Like, that's just wage gap tax. Is that right? Yeah. I actually just saw, we have such different algorithms.

I saw a girl say that she found out a guy was cheating on her. And she messaged him as another girl basically being like, I know you're cheating on your girlfriend. Pay me money so I don't tell her. So she kept getting money for him. That is so funny. Oh, my God. So he's just paying her. He's paying her.

When did she let him know? Who knows? It was a short real. Wow. That's a good one. So that's out there. And that's for any men listening, being like, this is fucked up, this is scary. That's why you stay on the road of God.

By the way, you know, in Ireland, there was a huge story about catfishing, right? So the two Johnny's, you've been on the radio show, a very big podcasters over here. So one of them had been catfish before. and they did two episodes about this, they call it the GAA catfish. Because she was catfishing a lot of like well-known Irish celebrities and sports stars.

But anyway, in a sort of very sinister turn, it turns out even though she had been outed because that was about two years ago, she went back into it and went even darker into some like really dark shit catfishing people and then like, you know, trying to ruin their lives by making accusations, even though these are, you know, people she's never met.

Because she's not real. She's all these fake accounts, right? So suddenly everyone's talking about catfishing. And do you know what hit me? And this is not a political show. But QAnon, right? QAnon was this huge thing and now it's gone. And it made me realize that QAnon was the Maga catfish. Because QAnon, QAnon was catfish. Like all these people were catfish by Q&on. But once Q&on, people realized Q&O was bullshit, it was just conveniently forgotten about. Like as if you don't want to admit to yourself. Yeah, but it's almost like as if this cat,

I was like, oh yeah, it was a catfish, but actually it turns out the catfish was right. You know, it's very, it's very strange. But I want to make, I want to make a documentary about the Q and on Catfish, the Maga Catfish Q&O. Anyway, we don't, we're not political. Catfish was huge in America. We had that whole show with Neve because he did this documentary that blew up about basically him researching, him get, himself getting catfish. And he goes to the people's houses and he's like, why don't you do this?

And he gets all the research. And then he started doing it for other people. I'm sorry. That was an alarm for my nap that I didn't take. Not yet. Not yet. So, yeah, it was like a fascinating thing once the internet started.

But the thing about the GA catfish is just, you know, people should listen actually to the two Johnny's on Spotify because there's three episodes about it. But the thing is that people know who she has. Ireland's too small. So people know who she is. And even though she was outed

after the first two episodes, within two years, she was back at it in a more sinister way. and there's no law against it. There's a real, like, it's a real mental health problem, though, like, people who want to be someone they're not and manipulate people. It's honestly method acting. Give them an Oscar. Let's get some more here.

Oh, this is kind of cute. Okay. This is going to sound weird. But growing up, and honestly, I'd still do it, but growing up, my dad would, have us shave his back for 20 bucks and usually it would be like once a month and me and my siblings would always fight over who we got to do it because you know 20 bucks is 20 bucks it's so cute I can't wait till our kids shave your back good one it's funny I actually got triggered because my dad always had this joke where he would ask he would ask me to do

like funny things for five dollars which like as a kid if a dollar's involved you you perk up you're like a dollar where's a dollar so he'd be like for five dollars like there'd be like some some like old ladies doing a workout class it'd be like for five dollars jump into that workout class and all i wanted to do is one my dad to love me and two to make him laugh and three to get rich get that bag honey so i was always getting in trouble because then i would do something and my mom would be like what are you doing and I'd be like dad told me he'd pay me five dollars and then she'd get met at him and then me and my dad would be in the doghouse together and we did it too many times um so you got to work on me dad I have a job you can't get me to do stuff for five

dollars anymore so very cute story it's my my mother used to ask us to to do her hair that's what she would say do my hair but she used to just like us twiddling with her hair oh that's so cute like a little head scout massage. Yeah, so we'd like sit behind her and just like play with her hair. Like monkeys? That was her thing. Yeah, literally she turned us into the little monkeys. I also, I was talking about my parents on stage and I remembered, did your parents ever make

you play the silent game? Oh, yeah. Well, actually, I don't know. I kind of, I know that more as like a joke in adulthood. You want to play the silent game, but actually, I don't know. I mean, maybe they, I think they probably did. What a genius tactic, especially because my brother and I, my dad was always, my dad was was making us like race and like play we're so competitive so whenever we'd be like way too

annoying my dad will always be like okay let's play the silent game that was my squid game they're like let's play the silent game and daniel and i would immediately be like oh the whole entire and it's it was genius and i feel so manipulated and then daniel and i would be looking at each other and like if he like breathe loudly i'd be like pointing at him And my dad already be on to the, like, next thing. My mother had a different, my mother had a different silent game, which was she would raise her hand and we'd know if we didn't get quiet, that was coming down in a striking motion.

It was less, it was less of a silent game and more of a like a torture thing. Well, we can argue if physical or emotional torture was worse at another time. Well, yeah, well, what if you had both? That's a joke I used to tell years ago. It never really worked, but I used to think it was funny, which was, uh, You know, I would do jokes about like my mother used to hit us and then I remember the hitting stopped because my mother was hitting me and like it didn't hurt and I just started laughing at her and that's when the hitting stopped and the silence began and I really wish she would just keep on hitting me because that's when the emotional torture was like, Ma, what's the matter? Nothing. So anyway, nice family memory from a dialer there. I feel like this is like a PSA and don't worry. I'll get into the funky ones but I thought this was like really smart.

My husband and I started a business together like eight years ago and we were super broke at the beginning of it. And one time we had negative money in our bank account and all we had was a Lowe's gift card and we needed to buy food. And so we legit went to Lowe's with a gift card and bought a restaurant gift card from Lowe's. so that we could eat that night. It's not totally crazy. It's not totally wild. And it's also not that we totally did it for money now that I think of it, since it was all gift cards.

But I feel like it kind of fits. But I didn't know that was an option. Now we know. That's incredible. Obviously not everywhere you can do that. But like if you get a gift card to a place, you're like, well, I don't need this. Trade in your gift card. I never knew you could like upscale.

yeah no it's i think also with gift cards it's easy to lose them forget about them i have so many twenty five dollar duncan in my in my wallet um plus you never have them well that's why you need those apps but i just thought that was a PSA that was very uh very practical advice Hey guys, hero bread. I got to talk about it because I've been using it a lot. I'm actually, I'm not going to give away too many details, but let's just say I'm on a very strict diet at the moment. And the fact that we now have tons of hero bread in the house

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I see Mint Mobile for details. But now let's get into the number one thing that came in. Hey guys, left the pod. This isn't like insanely crazy. I hope it happens to me again. But one time I got a DM request on Instagram and I opened it. And it was this guy being like, can you send me a video of your fee of my $500? And I was like, Pat.

So I sent a video of my feet and he even made me $500. I had to block him after it because he got like, you know, just a little too spooky sexual. But I'd be so happy to do that every single week. God, I wish. So 30% minimum were women saying of some weirdo asked me for pictures. I paid for pictures of my feet. I'd be so worried about not worried, but like I don't want to send my feet. and then he doesn't Venmo me, but then like...

Well, you got to have a system there. Yeah. Or, you know... But then, like, I don't know if he should trust me to Venmomi 500 and expect to get a foot thing. Yeah. Well, I feel like you have to say, okay, $250 up front and after you get my feet, another $250. But the thing is that they're so into... If he likes your feet, then he's going to pay you because he's going to want the opportunity to pay you again.

Yes. That's the thing. Yes. You know, I... How do you invoice that? For reason... I recently was told that I have a nice arch in my foot. Oh, you have a great arch.

And I, and that I have little ankles and massive truck driver calves. Someone told me this and suddenly, you know, my entrepreneurial brain, I was like, am I like the foot model of my generation? I didn't know it. You're a foot fetish unicorn. They call that the arch ankle to calf ratio. The arch angel. Oh, the arch angel. Hannah Berner.

That's the name of my profile. For exclusive content, X, X, X, X, X, Archangel. Well, listen, this girl can start and only fans for feet. So this is the thing. I was thinking how, like, yeah, a lot of girls are like,

I don't want to show my pussy. I don't want to show my tits. It's super valid. But, like, showing your feet, I feel like we all should be down for that. And I think all women should, There should be like an easy system for all women to make money selling footpicks. Yeah, like the Getty images for footpicks.

You're just up there on like a like a catalog and people have to pay to, oh, that looks like a good foot. I wanted to research like how one actually goes about making money so that I could write an ebook so that all women could just do it or like do a documentary about it. I just think we're leaving money on the table except I know like not WikiFeed. There's something else. Feet finder, maybe that's it. There's a lot of foot fetishes out there. I've actually never dated one guy with a foot fetish. And it's in ex.

I cannot understand it for the life of me. But I mean, in a way, I almost wish I had a foot fetish because I feel like it's such an easy fetish to, you know, what's the word when to satisfy? It's such an easy fetish to satisfy. Yeah, but then you also must feel so creepy on the beach. Well, do you? I mean, on the beach, it's literally just like, oh my God,

I just struck the mother load. Yeah, but like everyone else, well, I guess everyone could feel creepy at the beach. Everyone's checking people out. Come on, we're at the beach. I wear sandals and it's like getting creeped. I mean, I wonder how, I don't know. Sandals are just a foot bikini, baby.

Okay, now you're really getting into it. But yeah, you don't, I would, you don't even know what's attractive. Birkenstocks are like a tank top. A muscle tank. Yeah. Yeah, some people, they, like the toes done some people don't some people like a tiny foot some people like a big like

everyone has different taste just like well like i did you know a lot more about foot fetishes than i do well do you know who has an insane foot fetish um not insane just it's normal we don't judge did you try to yuck somebody's yum there well michael blousestein oh he talks about it from stiff socks is like huge is that why he called the pod stiff socks Maybe Interesting But he's open He's open about it

Yeah Like when I went on the pod They pulled up my wiki feet page And he like Oh my God He explained to me What was good and what was bad Oh my God

So what's bad about your foot You have a wart You have a veruca No he was the one who said That I have a nice arch And then I got a big head about it I was like Oh wow

So I didn't even know my rates I didn't even know what I had Who knew What I was shlonging around Who knew what I married? Little did I know when I said I do that I was getting the best arch in the business.

But I do have... My arch nemesis, Hannah Werner. Good one. I have a... I do have a wide foot. I'm a particular type, I would just say. Just tell me you like new bounds without telling me you like new balance. By the way, did you see?

I posted my new new balance. Oh, the loafer ones? Loavers. yes interesting reaction yeah page is not happy yeah i mean it's just one of those things you know but hey you've never been afraid to take some severe fashion risks you know what you know someone has to take a creative risk nowadays yeah well it's it's not your brand to be like always on like to always nail it with fashion so you got no pressure it's a win win i like being able to move with my fast arches i like to be able to run. I can't always be wearing

healed outfit. It's insane. The patriarchy. It's insane. Someone with this broad of an attractiveness spectrum just really gets a lot of freedom. Right. Right. You know what I'm saying? You get it. There's a lot of space to live on the

attractiveness spectrum. I'm fluent. I'm sitting here afraid to get on stage without a blazer looking like a distinguished gentleman. Hannah's out there wearing in fucking hockey jerseys. Mm-hmm. That's all I packed was jerseys this weekend.

You're a hot girl and you're stuck in it. And I feel bad. All right. Let's get a weird one. Hey, Hannah and Des. Love you guys so much. The craziest thing that I've ever done for money in college, I was pretty hard up for cash.

And a guy was seeing offered to give me $250 if I let him shoot me with a BB gun at a party. so of course naturally that was a genius idea and I needed the money so I said yes he shot me in the ash cheek in front of everybody and it left me a pretty big welt I don't know if it was a red flag that the guy I was talking to literally wanted to pay me to shoot me but we are married I think she just said we are married I love how even the technology was like this shouldn't have been yeah this is crazy yeah that was definitely a red flag it's like Listen, I need to know if you can take a BB in the ass.

Wait, that is so funny. It's like, men don't know how to flirt. Men do not how to flirt. He's like, can I pay you money to hit you with a BB gun in the butt? That's why it's confusing to know if a guy likes you or not. Can I wound you? That man is in love with her. They used to hit you when you were in kindergarten.

Now they shoot you with BB guns. And he's in love. But I'm upset because I've done that for free. My brother used to hit me with BB guns. Oh, yeah. I got shot with a paint gun once. The guy didn't realize how fuck. fucking sore it was, but I did just, this just gave me like a funny memory of just like how

different childhoods were in the 80s. So did you, when you were kids, did you play a game called asses up? We did that with tennis. It was a tennis game. Okay. So how did it work in the tennis game? So we would play and we'd want to put, we wouldn't put money on the line because we were kids, but it was like if you lost, you had to play asses up, which meant you would stand like you were receiving serve but you had to turn around with your ass up and then everyone got to serve at you to try to hit you in the ass.

Yeah, so we played a game with asses up which was you threw the ball against the wall and if it bounced and you caught it it was just like it's neutral right but if it bounced and you didn't catch it you had to run to the wall and get to the wall before somebody beamed you and if somebody beamed you before you got to the wall

you had to stand against the wall and everybody threw at your fucking body right so that's what it was called asses up but also if you threw the ball against the wall and somebody caught it on the fly yeah then the person who threw it no the person who threw it had to run to the wall but if they got beamed then they had asses up see nobody was ever out game but without the asses out but it was like you're out you lose oh yeah no no we had asses up you had to get a fucking you had to get a beating every gen z is like oh my god like what did kids do back then it was pretty crazy because you know what

what happens is like you're always Yeah, it's painful. The neighborhood kids, it was a great age discrepancy. So like, Jolene was the oldest. He's still my friend to this day. You haven't met Jolene yet. But anyway, Jolene was the oldest. But like, you know, by the end of our asses up

playing days, Jolene was like hitting puberty. So like, Jolene, Jolene's fucking asses up beam was pretty fucking painful. You know? A man versus boys. Yeah. So, uh, Jolene was also the first guy. Jolaine's probably the reason why I'm an

alcoholic. Okay, you love full names on this pod. Oh, sorry, he's fine. The lanes, our neighborhood was very close, man. Like, we had, like, it was a very idyllic childhood situation for all of us playing in Queens. When I'm on

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at sign up, and you'll get your first visit for only $5. Thank you, Apostridori, for sponsoring this episode. Okay, so it's a new year, and I am trying to lose some weight, and I am just so happy that Hewel, H-U-E-L, has come into my life. Their black edition, ready to drink, is a complete meal in a bottle. high in protein, low in sugar, and packed with all the nutrients you need to perform at your best. Now, I've got to tell you something, okay? I have really been using a lot of Hewell, okay?

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Nutritionally complete meals and minutes so you can focus on what really matters. This is another weird one. Hi, Mom and Dad. Love you guys. So this prompt is perfect for me. Just to preface, I am in the spicy. business. So I've done quite a few weird things for money. But the weirdest thing I've probably ever done was fill myself taking a shit while also speaking in a baby voice. So I was like, oh, speak stinky poo-poo. Bum-bum. Or I don't know. I don't remember exactly what I said. But anyways, I'm not really sure what that was all about.

But I don't yuck people's yum, so you do you, as long as you're not hurting anybody. But yeah, that's probably still to this day the weirdest thing I've done for money. Anyways, K-bye. Great dial in. Give that girl an Oscar. that performance i was just going to say it was incredible incredible the comedic timing i think i i think i got turned on she's like immediately was just like doing the voice and pooping is hilarious imagine a guy's like i'll pay you this money and you're like i don't really do that character

voice actually i'm not really good at that accent i don't really what's my motive in this just do the fucking voice but these girls some of them are so good at it but also So just where does that fetish come from? Like, I mean, I get it. There's the whole pink, you know, pooping on, I get it. There's some weird pooping fetish. But then like in a baby, like, what the fuck? Yeah, the infantilize.

I don't know. Oh, my God. That was funny, though, man. I got to put that into, I think that was one of the top 10 dial-ins in the history of the pod. Yeah, that was, is that too strong? No, that was for sure up there. and we give respect where respect is due because she didn't have to act it out for us.

As we say in Queens, I was dying. I was literally dying when she was doing that voice. I thought that was the funniest. She was like, I don't really know what I did. Something along the lines of, and she went into the phone. I do a little poopie. Oh, it's so funny.

Actually, that's how you, hey, that's how you always go to the bathroom. You're always like, I did a poopie. You literally go. You say that to me. So actually. I don't care. Well, you can't be like,

Hey, I poop. Do you have to be like, I made a poop. I did it, poopie. Anyway, very funny, man. Very funny. Oh, God. Thank God we're not in the same house because then this would have been a thing for the next couple days. No, I'm not.

No, that's fine. Thank you. Thank you, Diler. I do have to say something. Hannah likes to poop with the door open. Can we, can we? Is that too much? Are you done with the exposing?

You have anything else do you want to say? Do you want to strip me of any more of my dignity? No, because sometimes I'll be like going to the bedroom and you're like, I'm pooping. I'm like, close the fucking door. You don't get half the house because you're poop. Our apartment is small. So when the door is open, I'm like in the bedroom. Yeah, it's like you don't get to commandeer half the house for a poop.

Do you know what it is? And it's actually very cute. It's because my mom, when she used the restroom, would always keep the door open. because she had to keep an eye on us. So I just did what I saw my mom do, which was like always have the door open. Also, if you know and you have a cat, whenever you shut the door,

wherever the cat is in the house, immediately her little paw will go underneath it and you have to open it for her anyway. Also, our door is, is our bathroom's too small for us to open and shut the door while you're in the bathroom. So if I go and sit before shutting the door,

I have to like move. If you sit before shutting the door, it is You would be surprised how many bathrooms have that problem because most people shut the door before they drop their pants

and sit on the toilet I do have to say yeah a lot of girls would be like oh my God I would never poop in front of my man and like I'm not trying to be like I'm not like in the girls

but like it's not that dramatic like it's fine if anything it normalizes it so they see that you're just sitting there it's not some like crazy gross thing

it's quite cute especially when You do it with a baby voice. That's human. Puppy. Okay, puppy, here we go. The last week's episode called in about the Theragon. Oh.

Because somebody actually wanted to give us some information about. Okay, so to preface this, a guy was using a theragon on a girl's, the JJ. Yeah, because the topic was, what have you tried lately? and did it work and some guy tried a theragon and he was apparently doing it on all these girls that was like his move and he bruised this woman

so we have had a but her pussy was very very flexible after so the theragon marketing department has been on to us no this came in through the hotline

hi guys Canadian giggler and Iler here I'm just calling in regards to the pheragon mishap that that poor girl went through I must say though if the guy holds the theragon to their wrist or their palms so their hand vibrates and then they go about it that way

game changer but holding the physical therogon straight on you no that's wild okay bye so you need a woman in STEM yeah that's that's a woman in science technological engineering

mom because a hand or a finger is nice but a little Theragon action behind the hand then you got it so keep that in mind the next time some guy the next time a guy

whips out of Theracombe like you know what you're doing with that thing because there's a way so oh you're going to love this this is deep Hi Paige and Hannah

long time listener first time caller the craziest thing I've done for money is well it happened when my mother got a divorce settlement for a few million dollars and like any divorcee she joined a cult it was high end though it was in byron bay i think chris hamsworth turquoise beaches white sands and my job as a 16 year old was to

collect the cover charge at the monthly parties they would have at glorious mansions in the hills and i'd get $50 an hour but the thing was that like 500 people would show up and hand over $100 each to get into these parties So naturally I would collect my check at the end of the night After having shoved in about $2,000 of cash in my pockets Thoughts, I need to unpack this because this is the frustration Love you guys, bye

So it's the Federation, you've heard about that right? No Oh yeah, I actually It's a cult in Australia? Yeah, but it's like a well-known one But I actually thought you were going to know a lot about it No. Well, now I have a new documentary to watch. You have to find out about the Federation.

Also, side note, I know, I know, I'm a page. A bunch of Australians were at the... I'm dad. A lot of Australians were at the Radio City show. Really? We have a big Australian and British and Irish following. Yeah, well, you can go anywhere in the world now. Honestly, an Australian tour is so overdue.

It's ridiculous. And it just, they have some... such good sense of humor. But, okay, let's unpack this for him. You're 16. It's a cult. The money's going to someone to abuse someone anyway, so you might as well take it.

And listen, man, the 16-year-olds that end up adjacent to cults usually end up with much worse outcomes. So this is great. You're lucky you didn't get, like, fobbed off on the cult leader. Yeah, also. You didn't get Keith Raniaried.

They're the ones who let a 16-year-old handle hard cash. Yeah, what did they think was going to happen? Jesus. They were asking for it. But I thought you were going to know the Federation. Now I'm annoyed that I didn't have the backstory. But anyway, something for us to look into.

I love that he was like, my mom got divorced. So naturally she joined a cult. Because I'm kind of obsessed with what people do at Rock Bottom. They join cults or they go into real estate. Or they become like a yoga teacher, which can also. arguably be a cult depending on what yoga. Yeah. And I know Byron Bay pretty well.

I've been there quite a number of times. Byron Bay. And Bar and Bay. It's northern New South Wales. And it is an exceptional place. Like really one of the special places in the world. But it does have a bit of that like wealthy hippie vibe. Because it used to be like hippie.

But now it's, no, because it's not like overdeveloped and crazy. it's more like a mixture of like the Hamptons with like a cocella kind of like you I don't I really cocella sorry cocella sorry my apologies I'm trying to get the I'm trying to get the vibe it's hard to explain but I can tell that you've been in Ireland for only like a couple days because some of your ums are going um and then some of them are going em interesting I did you discover before that Irish people say M and not um? Yes. I've known that for a while. But in like a week, like next time

we record, you're going to be going M, M instead of um. Interesting. Anasimul, as they say, the Gaelic. Very interesting. All right, let's get a few more before we wrap it up because I have to tell the dials. It is 12.30am

here in Dublin. So this would be one of the latest pods I've ever recorded in my life. And would you believe I'm on Irish radio in the morning, like live radio, like old school. It's 4.30 in L.A., but I'm jet lag. So it's really 7.30. And then I have two shows today. In Irvine.

And by the way, you need to plug your shows in Alabama because I got a message today at DM being like, did I hear Hannah say she's coming to Alabama? So I looked it up. So you're in the Star Zone Comedy Club. I have Stardom. I'm in Alabama coming up. I also have shows in Rhode Island. and Connecticut, Hannahburn.com slash shows.

You know where it is. Because I feel like the Alabama one might be like a little on the down low. It's for sure on the radar, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So make sure that if you're near Birmingham, Birmingham, Alabama, then go and check that out. All right, another very common one, but it needs to be represented. Okay.

Sorry if I sound weird. I'm guashwying, but I had a roommate in college who really believed that if there was any way to make money off of men you should so she sold her underwear her use underwear one time a man requested to have underwear with poop in it so she shit on the toilet wearing her her underwear and then she put it in an envelope like one of the puffy ones to send off but before she sent it she put it in my hands to be like do you think that this is too much when she put it in my hands it was warm because of the poop and then she sent a picture of it to the guy before she sent it and he said what the fuck do you think is wrong with me i don't want all of your shit i just wanted

a couple streaks so she actually got like shamed even though she and even though he was the one requesting the underwear so yeah wait that is so funny that he turned to her and was like you sick fuck you sicko i just wanted like the natural stain because that's what they want i think they want like underwear that you've worn naturally yeah they wanted to feel like ooh she accidentally got some of her whatever yeah so he just wanted streaky he just wanted skid skid marks we call them in ireland i don't know what you guys call them i love how she well i get i get her perspective because she's like this guy wants shit like i can't see him being picky with the type of shit it's shit I mean of course I would have

if somebody had said send me your shitty you know an underwear a shitty I would expect what she did to be correct well she also was like I'll give you a bang for your buck I know but he didn't want an envelope for a poop he just wanted like stained underwear so funny but it's very hard to know what these whack jobs want you know it's a fine line it's a fine line between doing something for a weirdo and a fucking person saying that you're the weirdo Oh my God, I know Also, there are probably guys who would have wanted that

She was trying not to yuck his yum But then he yucked her attempt She thought she was giving him some extra Some extra love Wow, this became a real sick episode This was crazy man This was Do we want to have one more to end it kind of cleanly?

I don't know if I want to clean I'll give you a clean one You want to clean a wholesome one? Is this too much? Do we go too far? I don't think so. A lot of poop. But let's face it, this is a poop podcast.

Also, for all we know, someone's like, that's a great idea. I'm going to start making money about that. All right, this is a wholesome one. So I lived in Texas, and during the summer you have a lot of bugs that come into the house and won't get out. And my mom hated them so much that she would offer us. a dollar for the first fly we killed and a quarter for every other fly we killed so I would hunt the flies

and try to make sure I had the carcasses wait that's so cute that's so cute if you find a dead fly it's like money I could see myself doing that with my kids because I want them to get a little like piggy bank and I'll be like Do you want to fill that piggy bank?

Kill some flies. Mama needs her laundry done. Oh, yeah, that's just a chore. That's just a chore. That's normal. I know. True. True.

I would love to see my kids running around the place trying to kill flies. Because I can get very focused on killing flies. I can turn into like a cat when the flies are. This is niche, but you could turn into that episode of Breaking Bad. Yes. Not that niche. It's one of the most popular shows of all time. I know.

Oh, hey, hey, we haven't discussed it. But before we get off the pot, have you watched the next episode of Severance? We're not going to talk about it. Spoiler alert. We're not going to talk about it. And I had it all day. We need to let the list of us know.

I think Severance is going to go into, if they maintain the trajectory of quality that they've had so far in one season plus two Eps of season two, I think it's up there in the top five television shows. of all time. Everyone needs to watch Severance. I had to re-watch it because it's so, like,

there's so many details that you don't want to miss because you want to understand this world. And it's the actors are incredible. Ben Stiller is incredible directing it. It's just amazing. I can't wait to watch it. I'm not even if I'ma McArdle directs three episodes, Irish director. So really, but episode two, Hannah, is like, okay.

Here we go. This is the real deal. So get out there, everybody. And hey, listen, if you're in Ireland, I added a Dublin show at the Olympia Theater, February 27th. And there's not many tickets left for any of my other shows, but I think there are some left for Limerick.

So if you're in Limerick, go and check that out. And, uh, I mean, we're shaking and bacon now, baby. We're, we're busy. Thanks for calling in. Thank you, everybody. See you next week. Bye. Bye for mom and dad.

Bye. Hey,