Berner Phone - Berner Phone #79: This Should Be Illegal

Episode Date: February 23, 2025

The list of things that should be illegal could go on forever. You might leave this episode annoyed with humanity, but you'll also feel seen.

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, little dialers. It's Des again. And yes, I'm on my own. And I'm aware. I know. I can feel your disappointment. Trust me. I'm just as disappointed as you. I myself have self-esteem. team issues. I don't feel like I'm enough to keep you guys happy. But I promise you that Hannah will be back next week and I'll do my best. Right. And of course, you guys are carrying the load because there was a great prompt that came in from a dialer that we went for this week, which Hannah and I

both chose, by the way, which was something that's not illegal that should be. And the responses were incredible. Honestly, they were so incredible that when Hannah comes back next week, I think we'll still be talking about this topic. And you came through big time. And to whoever the serial messenger was, I got the message. So this episode is going to be doubly annoying for you because somebody kept messaging in, men should be illegal but aren't. Like at least 10 times. and that was quite a commitment to your joke, and it has been received. So I apologize that I am illegally doing this on my own, according to your rule. So I'm sorry, but here we are.

And I think we've established enough of a family relationship that we will get through this together. And listen, it's such a great topic. Let me bring you guys in straight away. You don't need to be listening to me, okay? and I thought this one was great. Hey, Hannah, and does something that should be illegal but isn't is when you like hook up with a guy and then you're cuddling after and he's giving you forehead kisses and he's telling you about your future together, blah, blah, blah, and then you never fucking hear from him again.

There's a special place in hell for a man who gives you a forehead kiss and then never speaks to you again. I thought that was incredible. Obviously, ghosting is a, ghosting is a commonly discussed topic. Okay. So it wasn't that I thought the topic of ghosting was particularly novel. But the imagery of the forehead kiss and then ghosting, that is sinister. That is sinister. And listen, I'm sure all of us out there, men and women, have all been guilty of perhaps getting cold feet on an expression of feeling that, you know, perhaps was, you know, over-exaggerated because you were caught up in the moment. But the forehead kiss. I mean, what a beautiful, what a beautiful representation of the downside of ghosting, the mixed messaging. The forehead

kiss, it's too tender, isn't it? It's too reassuring. it's almost as if they're saying you never need to be scared again i've got you and then you never see them again i mean if you were somebody who had abandonment issues and you were forehead kissed and then ghosted what kind of PTSD traumatic response would one have to something like that so i agree let's put it down on the list that you cannot forehead kiss until you're 100% committed. Because obviously, these rules have changed over the years. You know, we've gone through various, you know, things, you know, the sex in the city years of how many dates before you sleep with somebody and, you know, relationship and sex podcast talking about what's acceptable

behavior and, you know, different things that you can and can't do. I mean, look, we don't have, we don't have real consensus, but there has definitely been an evolution of acceptable dating etiquette. But I've never heard specifically the forehead kiss and when it is allowed needs to be legislated for. In the court of love, it needs a ruling. We need to, even though I know that society is starting to ignore the powers of the courts. I think the Court of Love is a higher authority than the Supreme Court and it needs to be legislated against

that a forehead kiss requires minimum one month commitment and presence post forehead kiss and if you do not follow through on your duties if you relinquish your responsibility within the said 30 days you are a criminal to love and you should have to wear like a like a t-shirt that says I am quarantined from human interaction for minimum of six months and the apps should be able to ban you you know you should be on the the goster list so a great message Easy on the forehead kissing guys, you know?

It's just, isn't it funny how something that's really, in essence, so much less intimate than perhaps whatever went down that night, just gives the impression of a deeper intimacy. Great message. That's why I love the dialer so much because they're so articulate. And, you know, in a, you know, do these skipwriting courses and they say, show, don't tell. If ever there was a more, just a more powerful image of showing and not telling.

Now, I'm aware that you told me, but you emitted an image in my mind. You conjured a pain through the action that was just so much better than just talking about the pain. So I'm with you, 100%. So let's take it now to something. And listen, a lot of these are kind of like, people. thieves, but, you know, okay, can I do this? This always comes up, but I have a specific reason to bring it up, and it's cultural. Hi, Hernandez.

Love, love, love the podcast, but something that should be illegal and isn't is people who chew with their mouth open. Like, hello, I didn't ask for a live ASMR. If I wanted that, I would have just gone on YouTube. Okay, bye. Okay, so I know, guys, listen, don't turn off. stay tuned stay tuned in i know i always bring this up you know and uh it's not fair that this is just such an anti-mouth noise podcast but i i tell you why i left it in he's not here at the moment but i have a chinese friend uh who came and visited me in ireland from china um and he's staying for a month

which actually we didn't discuss but that's a separate issue which is totally fine because i get to practice my chinese with him every day but if anyone's lived in china you will know that they definitely have a very different etiquette when it comes to mouth noises. And it's really not as frowned upon over there. And I think maybe genetically the Chinese are not as inclined to have misophonia. So there's a lot of loud chewing there in general. But there's something that's acceptable there, which I really struggled with, and that is slurping noodles.

It is the way that they eat noodles, right? And I, you know, I, I don't want this to, this isn't a Chinese love podcast, okay? But I am afraid that I will, will sacrifice any goodwill with the Chinese. I'm willing to throw that out there to say that the slurping is too much. It's too much. and if there's any Chinese people listening I'd be curious to know what the American-born Chinese perhaps

you know Chinese that grew up in the States but maybe their parents or their grandparents or their cousins would visit from China and they would hear the slurping I want to know how they deal with it because

yesterday my friend who shall not be named was in the kitchen I was in the living room no it's not a big house I have here in Dublin but I was in the living room, and he was in the kitchen, and it was unbearable, even from another room, unbearable. But I'm not an asshole. I wasn't going to be like, oh, yo, easy on the way that you've eaten noodles your entire life.

Okay? I'm not here to tell one of the great civilizations, one of the, one of the, you know, just a completely unique Eastern history with its own heroes and villains. You know, each one of them with a tiny sliver of DNA from Genghis Khan, a villain that we don't even really factor into our own European history, even though actually Eastern Europe was also affected by the reign of Genghis Khan and the Mongols. Who am I to tell this incredibly evolved culture that their noodle eating is incorrect? But I'm telling you that I can't bear it, you know, and I am no Republican. And I am no man for any sort of cultural didactism about how people should act when they come to the country.

I can't stand when the Magas tell Spanish people that they should be speaking English as if English is actually the national language of the country, which it is not. There's plenty of Spanish speakers and I say speak Spanish if you want. But I am afraid that I lose all my open-mindedness around other cultures when it comes to noodle slurping. I apologize to anyone who is offended by this, but it's unbearable. So to my brothers and sisters who think that chewing with your mouth up and it's okay, keep your mastication to yourself. And I'm happy to have my friends staying here, but he is also a mouth open chewer.

And this morning, I had, he cooks everything. He's a big cooker. I'm not. So this kitchen is getting more used than normal. So he made eggs, which was fine. But then he decided to have raw carrots and celery with his eggs. And then for the first time, because I was eating in the living room, just in general. But for the first time this morning, he decides to eat his breakfast next to me in the sitting room.

I was only having my coffee. I was getting the appetite going. I hadn't even had my first coffee. and I hadn't eaten anything yet. So you think I was in peak tolerance mode? No. It was not in peak tolerance mode, not by any stretch of the imagination.

And this, he comes in and he starts fucking crunching on raw carrots and celery, mouth open, next to me. Jesus Christ, I nearly called the Chinese embassy. I nearly, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I didn't diplomatic incident here in Ireland. I didn't know what to do. It was unbearable.

But listen, I didn't say anything, you know, I'm not going to be an A-hole. Or as the Chinese, you'd say, I'm not going to be a shabby. So I didn't say anything. I just tried to work on my tolerance skills. I save that out, you know, speaking about it. I save it for people you're related to,

which, by the way, when they do studies of misophonia, your relationship to the person can actually affect how much it annoys you, which shows that misophonia is a complicated condition. So anyway, that's the only reason I left it in is because I'm dealing with the current situation. And, you know, there's a lot of stuff I could talk about about when somebody's visiting from Asia and they're cooking in the kitchen. But I'm not going to get into it because it would start to sound like anti-Chinese,

which is I am the opposite of that. What I just have a couple of issues. You know, one is the loudness of the mouth. And let's face it, another is the fragrance that comes from the cooking, which at times can be overwhelming when you're not used to it. This is the great comedian, David O'Dardy, Irish comedian. you should look them up, said many, many years ago in the early part of our career, joking about the blandness of Irish cuisine.

He said, in Ireland where parsley is a spice, you know, so when you're used to a, perhaps a more gentle fragrance from the Irish cooking, the most offensive fragrance you're going to get from Irish cooking is the smell of boiling cabbage, which I will admit is somewhat offensive. But it's going to be not that common, and it's going to be not that, not that hard to deal with. But yes, there can be a strong fragrance from the Chinese cooking, which, you know, I can deal with.

But sometimes when it's like first thing in the morning, which I really struggled with when I was living in China too, you know? They, the, I lived in a house and the grandmother would, like, bring me breakfast. But breakfast would be like full on, like Chinese dumplings, which, like, at 6 p.m., I would be, like, devouring. But, like, first thing in the morning, like, I can't do the chives, the Chinese chives, if anyone's ever, it knows what I'm talking about. The Chinese chives and like really garlicky, you know, dumplings.

And they're like, oh, this is, this is breakfast. I'm like, oh, my God, I can't handle it. But, you know, that was all just the very few things that I struggled with why I was in China. And I've gone on about this way too long. And, you know, I record this whole episode with a paranoia that you guys are just not happy, it's only me. So I apologize that that's in me, uh, with every breath that I take into this mic on my own. Okay. Let's, uh, oh, this is one person, this, this one I care about. Hello, Hannah and guys, one thing that I think should be illegal, but is not, is parallel parking

too far away from the car in front of you. I parallel park on the street all the time in front of my apartment. We have a garage, but I don't fuck with that, honestly. It's just easier to parallel parks, except these bitches always be living way too much space, and then all of the street parking is taken up, and there's nowhere I can park, even though if people would just pull up a little bit, I could fit, and there could be like five more cars right in front of my building. So that should be illegal. Thanks. Bye. Amen, sister. Amen. Now, I mean, you know, this is, we have infinitely more female listeners to this podcast. So the only thing I'm going to contest is that you seemed to be suggesting that it's women that are doing this, which I'm going to, I'm not going to accept that, right?

And by the way, I must, you did, you said bitches, right, which I, I think it's a safe assumption that you're, you're throwing in a little bit of an assumption that it's women that are doing this. But I'm going to contest that part, but I am going to 100% accept all the rest of it, which is this should be illegal and isn't the space between cars. Now, in New York City, I have a car. I know this is a severe indulgence, and I'm very aware of that. But before I had a parking spot, I had a car. I'm a kid from Queens. Unfortunately, I'm wounded from a childhood of thinking that, like, you drive.

into the city, that's what you do. And I know that that's bad, but what can I do? It's in me, okay? It's in me. So, I, I'm used to having a car and I did the alternate side of the street thing for many years. And you're so desperate, like a game of Tetris, you're like, who the fuck put this L-shaped Tetris piece

in that position? You know, you just, you just wish that cars we're allowed to just be like inched up in the absence of their owner because there's clearly at least often at least one more spot and you know that sometimes it's nobody's fault because another car is pulled out and then a smaller car has taken that spot so listen you can't assume that it's 100% been a selfish act but often it is because what are they thinking they're thinking oh it'll be easier to get out so i'll leave space you know with the car in front, which will guarantee me space when I get out.

And that is unacceptable. That is illegal, that is legal, but should be illegal. The 100% the essence of this prompt. There's just a lot of parking etiquette that drives me insane. You know, it should definitely be illegal to park over the line in a parking spot, you know, in a parking lot, 100% illegal. And it should be, it should be. a federal crime it should you know what it should be minimum 10 years in prison if it's a range rover

you know some like it when i see a range rover over the line i know they're thinking well what can i do the car's so huge it's like well number one you could not buy a fucking tank that's unnecessary for your fucking three soccer players your three fucking shitty soccer players in the back, right? Sorry, am I getting too angry? Is the absence of Hannah causing me to become

a raving lunatic? Jesus. But you know what I mean. When I see that, because sometimes, listen, in Ireland, the spots are too small, so that's a whole other issue. But in America, they're humongous.

When I'm back in the States, I can't believe the size of the parking spots. And if I see like a range, you know, what are these in, like obnoxiously wide cars, unnecessary. And I get a, by the way, I've driven a range rover.

They're amazing. I'm not saying that range rovers aren't amazing. I'm just saying they're unnecessary, especially for the majority of people who buy them. You know? Like it's a fucking, it's a suburban tank in a world where you don't need it. You don't need range rovers or guns,

but this is not a political podcast. But anyway, when somebody's over the line, it's just, I'm not going to key their car. But have I thought about it? You're damn right I did. You're damn right I did. I thought about it.

I've thought about it many times. You know, listen, if we were responsible for all the violent thoughts that go on in our heads, we'd all be at jail. Well, I have pondered vandalism on numerous small level irritations. I'm just going to come clean, right? here. Okay. I have pondered vandalism on so many times in a situation that doesn't require

the level of anger that it has induced in me. But parking over the line and not parking close enough as this wonderful dialer has messaged in is up there. So great prompt. Don't be afraid to message back what you think. But so far, guys, just incredible contributions from the dialers. I'm going to go back to the board here. Oh, this is, this one is, uh, I think this is a big issue. And this is one that's, this is a discussion. Okay. So here we go. Hi guys. Um, big fan from Canada. One thing that I think should be illegal, but isn't is, I feel like I'm thinking specifically in bars and those sort of establishments, but kind of everywhere, just filming and taking videos in general um i feel like every time i'm out with my friends if somebody kind of has an

important job i mean i'm a bartender so i don't give a fuck but i have friends who are teachers you just run the risk of doing shots on a night when you have to work the next day and you're in the background of some kids video and it's going to get posted on the internet and i feel like that just feels so illegal like i feel like you're entitled to your privacy on a night out or really doing anything but at any given chance you can be caught on film doing things and it can be used against you. It's giving

illegal. Okay, maybe that is illegal. I don't think it is though, but yeah. It's not illegal and it absolutely should be. I am 100% in agreeance with you. Of course I always feel like Canadians just have a touch more

sense of civic responsibility and this is not a slight on American. I'm including myself in the American zone, but I don't know. There is just, I feel, maybe on a scale of one to ten, at least one or two numbers higher on the scale of community and civic responsibility. But anyway, I've always had a big problem with the ability to film people in public without their consent. And it's not just these assholes on TikTok and YouTube that do this whole like, this is my right, I can film things.

They're just like antagonists. But the fact that you can kind of destroy somebody's life by filming them. And obviously, sometimes people are doing fucked up shit. But even still, I don't know, man. Like, I just think, so here's my example. When I made the Desbishop Work Experience, which was the first major television series that I made in Ireland, filming back in 2003,

it was a documentary about living on minimum wage. And I worked four different minimum wage. jobs for a month at a time. So four months altogether. But the first episode was in a cabab shop in Waterford called Aber Cababra. Coincidentally enough, literally doing a show in Waterford tonight. So that episode focused a lot on how disrespectful, particularly drunk customers were to low-wage staff at a kebab shop whose main business was basically after the pub and after the nightclub kind of you know like a drunken snack before heading home and we filmed a lot of terrible behavior but every single person that was on camera signed a consent form they signed a release form

RTE the Irish broadcaster would absolutely 100% not allow anyone to be used that hadn't signed a consent form and then RTE upon edit you know after the edit they decided that even with consent, that people that were drunk could not give proper consent, so we blurred out their faces. So nobody's sort of dubious behavior was able to be identified, right? And I was, of course, I didn't want to blur out people's faces, but I was fine with it because should we, because first of all, what they were doing wasn't illegal.

This is part of it, you know. It's like, well, people are like, well, they shouldn't act like an asshole. but like it's actually not illegal to be an asshole but these days on the internet you could receive the full letter of the law of public opinion which can be quite damaging by the way sometimes more damaging than the actual law for real crimes you could do stuff that's infinitely worse and receive less of an actual effect to your life than doing something that's not illegal but it's clearly in the asshole spectrum and goes viral online, right?

You lose your job, you lose your friendships, you experience public humiliation, whereas somebody could be caught for theft and get a suspended sentence, you know? Now, look, we could argue all day about just varying levels of crime. And again, I understand that there's so much about these conversations that are complicated,

but I do just feel that you, you know, you shouldn't have to live your life under the fear of a public humiliation of being filmed without consent. And this is by no stretch defending the behavior of some of these things that have gone viral over the years.

I mean, Hannah's mentioned it before and I know I've mentioned it, but John Ronson wrote the great book So You've Been Publicly Shamed. And that was very much in the early days of lives being destroyed by virality, but the central premise of the book still holds the same for me,

which is that actually the justice sort of doled out by the mob can actually be much crueler than the legal system and without any nuance often, you know, because these things are taken out of context. And, you know, I just feel that it's very unfair. And I feel that for the amount that technology has changed in society and the amount that, you know, video basically

has changed people's lives, I find it shocking that we still haven't legislated against filming people without consent. Considering that broadcast television has always had, so what I don't understand is, okay, this is my more serious point. Broadcast TV, certainly in Ireland. I can't speak for the American legislation because I actually don't know. I didn't make those types of, you know, documentaries where you're filming people in public. But broadcast television generally has had rigid criteria on filming. people without consent. Why is it then that now the rest of broadcast media, which is the

internet, which is infinitely more powerful than broadcast television now, why do they have no law? I mean, this is, God, I could, we could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I I could bore you to tears now about how much the lack of legislation around internet broadcasting is causing severe harm to society. And this is both sides of the political divide. Like, it's insane that for all of the time where we saw the power of radio and television, for all the time that we saw the power of that and knew that it needed to be legislated against, not censored, okay, just had standards, right?

Just had regulation, right? For all the time in history where we saw the need for regulation, how we were moving away from any regulation at all against this incredibly powerful medium is bonkers to me. So the fact that you can film people without consent is literally just the tip of the iceberg on how fucking dangerous this whole thing is, all right? But I just think it's unfair for somebody to have...

So let's just use the, I think, the fairer example of if you're a teacher and there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a night out and maybe going a bit crazy and doing shots or like dancing on the bar or just doing shit that you should be able to do if you're like a 28 year old woman or a 28 year old man

being silly on a night out and somebody's filming and then the students see that and then you're suddenly in trouble in school being like this is irresponsible behavior. You know, like that's not cool. I really do think that. So great, I think it should be illegal.

I've thought this for quite a long time. you know i actually think that i don't know if you guys ever if you guys ever come across these videos where what do they call themselves auditors you know these auditors about their rights and they go and they antagonize people about some bullshit which you know like on paper is their right right because there's no legislation against filming so on paper it's their right but it's clearly harassment they're trying to antagonize people for reaction so they can get views so they're allowed to antagonize for their own financial benefit or whatever for their own ego benefit, their own benefit of getting hits and clicks and views. They're allowed to antagonize, right? But the

other person is not allowed to retaliate because right now there's no legislation suggesting that putting a camera in somebody's face is fucking harassment. There's laws about harassment, but there's no clear legislation which says chuck in a camera in somebody's face trying to elicit a response is not harassment and that they don't have the right after the fact to say you don't have the right to publish this like i just think that's crazy i just think the rights are way too much in the hands of the camera holder you know so i'm with you 100% um and these auditor guys i mean they should just there's a there's a special place in internet health for them as far as i concerned drives me fucking insane you know

And so many people just love drama. They fucking love drama. Like how many times have you seen the situations on the internet where you're like, okay, I get it. You know your rights. But like you know how easy it would be to just show your fucking license and move on. And this, again, I'm not getting into, this is not civil liberty shit. This is just the people that have the camera on because they want this video.

And it's like, listen, the guy just wants to fucking see your ID. Show your fucking ID. and get on your way. But you want the video. I get it. So it's so complicated. And it's so annoying. And like everything, fueled by fucking people.

You know, it's so irritating. You get wound up. And that's why it gets views. And that's literally like outrage is the fucking currency of modern entertainment. And it's such a fucking pity, man. It's such a pity that we've descended into this mess. But hey, guys, I have severe anxiety

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I'm getting too deep, man. This is what happens when we're not with Hannah. You know? All right, let's get one that we can all agree with. Hey, Hannah and Dad. big fan of the podcast and you guys something that should be illegal that isn't is playing videos on your phone out loud in a public place I was just on a plane and someone behind me was just blasting TikTok and you know there are some annoying sounds on there just full volume like

I don't know if this guy was deaf or what but the flight attendant finally came over and said something and he only turned it down halfway. I don't know. Buy some earphones. I think that just has to be a law. It's so obnoxious and rude. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Can I get another amen? Can I get 10 amens on this? Is there anybody that's listening to this that's disagreeing with this? Like, it's rudeness beyond the rudeness calculation spectrum. It's off the charts. I get you know it almost turns me into like a like an angry old man I'd be like it's the way they were raised they were raised incorrectly

how can you think that this is acceptable to turn on your phone in public it drives me insane it really does you know like I can understand you know it doesn't drive me as insane you know the way like young boys it became a thing to like walk around with your Bluetooth speaker but that's just passing by it's the same as having your window open in the car. That I can, that I can handle, but to watching a video on your phone or obviously, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that's Because somebody's fucking watching video with DeValium on.

So there's somebody out there listening that thinks that's okay, right? And if you are listening and you think it's okay, it's not, all right? And maybe you didn't know, and ignorance is bliss, but now you know. So if you willfully continue to do it, you're an asshole. All right? So we've established that. You know, because you can't not listen. It's so annoying.

And because obviously the sound is annoying. The sound is irritating. but it's doubly irritating because it's the selfishness. So you're not just annoyed at the sound. You're annoyed that the selfishness exists in this world. Right? So you're not just having like a misophonic response. Because in many ways, it's kind of misophonia, right?

Like the sound of somebody else's phone, it's fucking irritating beyond what it should be. But number two, you're having an existential crisis because you don't understand how humanity has fallen so far that people don't realize how fucking ignorant this is. Now, I actually did a video once, which ended up doing way more views than I expected because it was just like a lighthearted joke

about even some people, they do the headphone conversation. So it's not even on speakerphone. It's common at airports, but particularly in airport lounges, and fucking draws me insane. The pacer, normally a tech bro, on the fucking business call.

And they got the headphones on and they're pacing, right? Even though they're not in a public space, but they think it's okay to pace. and they're talking so fucking loudly about their dumb deal. And they're completely lost in it so much so that they're not aware of anybody else. They're doing their dumb deal. So I'm trying to do whatever I'm doing in a public space, quietly, minding my own business, right?

Even talking on the phone, but I'm talking quietly. Because the other person doesn't need you to be loud. They can hear you, right? But when you have those fucking AirPods in, which automatically make you look like a fucking douche, right? Not when you're walking around on your own. When you're walking around your own, listen to your AirPods. I don't think you look like a douche.

But the minute you're talking on your AirPods, you look like a douche. And maybe some people are going to argue with me about that. And that's fine, you know. And maybe I'm just a, you know, a middle Gen X fucking relic from the past that hasn't accepted the normality of having conversations on AirPods. But I just think it looks fucking stupid, you know. and even if I was on AirPods having a conversation I would be doing it like in my chair

like quietly like as if I'm almost ashamed that this is even something that you could do with modern technology but without even getting into making it personal to me when you're sitting there trying to do your own thing but all you can hear is some assholes fucking probably business meeting that he's on it's like yo bro we all got jobs

you know but I'm not fucking connected to your job so how come I can't concentrate on my job job because you're fucking blasting your fucking info all over the lounge. You know? So actually what I said on the video was I said United States volume because I actually think that it's a bigger problem in the states. It's like a cultural difference that Americans are not as aware of the sort of distance that their voice can travel.

And by the way, I'm not trying to offend. The majority of our listeners are American and I'm American, okay? But I lived a lot of my life abroad, and what I learned was that in most other parts of the, well, China is a whole other story. We're not going to get into it. Personal space is just a whole different thing in China. So let's not bring the Chinese back into it. We started strong on them. As I said in breaking China, the only place you can find personal space in China is in your head. Because there's just a lot of people. Right. But anyway, let's say in, let's just talk about, Western Europe and the United States

and North America it's just louder there I remember I was out to dinner once lunch actually in an outdoor seating in the Lower East Side actually I went to the Russian Turkic bats with a friend and then we went for for some lunch nearby

in the East Village but he was Irish and the table next the table just behind him, I could see them, but he couldn't see them, but they were so fucking loud. And he literally said to me, he's like, fucking Americans are so loud in public spaces. And like, it's a thing, you know? And again, it goes back to a point I made earlier that I think maybe Canadians are like a touch more aware of like civic responsibility. Like, I get it. I love the individualism. I love it, you know. I'm a capitalist. I 100% appreciate the freedom of free

enterprise, you know, and I'm a patriotic American, but I do think that it's okay to care about your neighbor, to care about your fellow citizens enough to realize I don't need to bombard them with my conversation, you know, I don't need everyone else to raise their voice because they have to compete with the level that we're talking at, you know? So if you're on speakerphone in a public space, you're breaking the law, all right? You're breaking civic law. If you're watching a video, you're breaking the law. You're an asshole, right? But nobody wants to say anything because they don't want, you don't want confrontation, you know, and I've never been great at that. You know, I'm not, I don't have that Karen soul. And, you know, as much as I, I love a Karen fucking,

probably a non-consensual Karen video, literally the hypocrisy that just came out of my mouth. Hippocrat right there, calling myself out there, calling myself out, hypocrite. You know I'm watching a Karen video of somebody complaining and being filmed without their consent. But at the same time, there's a part of the Karen energy that I'm jealous of. because sometimes you need to be a Karen. Sometimes there's a place in society for Karen's. That's all I'm saying. Everybody has their role.

It's just that Karen's, I guess because they have this special skill, they use it too much because they're like, hey, I got this Karen energy. It needs to be, you know, what's the word when you, it needs to be spent. You know, I've got all this Karen energy. It needs to come out. but, you know, sometimes it's inappropriate.

But there is a time and a place. And, you know, I, we need like a super car. You know, like, you know, you put the Batman sign up for Batman or, you know, the bat phone. We need like a Karen phone. It's like, hey, you're not allowed to be a Karen unless called upon by society. This is a time for Super Karen. Somebody is watching a video in a public space without headphones. Super Karen, you know.

then she comes in, right? Then that's a time for Karen, you know? And I'm aware that there's male carons. I don't think we've ever actually had, you know, decided, agreed upon a name. But I know there are male carons. But we haven't come up with a good name for them yet, in my opinion. But the male carins and the female carins,

there is a time for you. Just wait to be called upon. Wait for, wait for an appropriate. time for you. Anyway, listen, I think we're all in the green. I shouldn't have spoken on this so long because I think we all agree. It's torture. And I apologize if I came across as anti-American in any way or unpatriotic.

Because this is a patriotic message. Some people are trying to make America great again. But I don't agree with the slogan, make America great again because there's no consensus on when America was great, okay? But I'm 100% down with the slogan, Make America Better or make anywhere better because that is the human job to constantly evolve and get better.

We can always improve. There's always room for improvement in society in general. Make humanity greater all the time. Never get complacent. Never rest on our laurels. Let's try to make society better. And I'm also aware that we don't always agree on what will make society better.

better. So on top of wanting to make society better, let's never lose sight of the fact that collaboration has always been the best way to evolve and get better. So never be afraid to collaborate with people who have differing views than you. So let's make America better and be aware of other people in your vicinity. They don't need to hear you to the point where they can't concentrate on their own conversation. I don't think that's unpatriotic. It's the opposite. We're trying

to make America better. So I hope no Americans took it personally. So all right, got to keep it light here. I keep trying to be light. I keep getting dark, man. God, I never realized how much Hannah controls my...

I mean, here's me complaining about Cairns. I think I'm giving off some severe Cairan energy this whole fucking episode. you know, like we've got to come up with a male name for Cairns. Message me. What's the mail name for a Karen? Oh, oh God, I feel like so many of them are personal to me. I'm worried.

Oh, come on. We all agree on this one. This is a New York special right here. Hi, Hattendez. Love you guys. This is more of a pet peeve, but I think it should be illegal. But when you go to like a deli or a food place that, has like a counter for you to order at, I think it should be illegal that you go up to the counter

and not know what you want. Um, I personally hate being behind someone that takes a really long time to order for themselves, their kids, their husband, whoever, um, I think you should stand off to the side until you figure out exactly what you want because there's some very hangary people that could be behind you, aka me. And you're also wasting the workers time by deciding when you're up there. So stand up to the side to you figure it out and then you can go online.

But yeah, I think it should be illegal. All right, thanks. Love you guys. Oh, my God. It's funny, you know, we have so many things that have come up on the pot over the years.

And I feel like we've over this year and a half or whatever, I feel like we've covered so many that often I feel like, oh, we covered this before but I think it's worth mentioning again. But actually, this is so huge. and I don't think we've ever covered it

I'm just deeply grateful for your message because I mean this is so unacceptable you know this is so in a busy place obviously if it's not busy it's no big deal because at the end of the day right like more than that if there's a line you have enough time to figure out what you want

so I've got I've walked into a subway and you know hey I'm not afraid to admit I like a subway you know I'm just I'm coming out right now I like a subway and I hate the smell of my fingers afterwards, but I love a subway. You know, it's just, there's too many,

if you can't wash your hands immediately after eating a subway, you know, the smell of a subway cheese and oregano, whatever, oregano, as the Irish, say, that's going to be on your hands for a long time. But anyway, sometimes you get there, there's nobody in there.

You know, you have time to think. You know, you're standing there. But if somebody arrives behind me and they know what they want, I'll say, sorry, I haven't made up my mind yet, you can go. You know, if you haven't made up your mind, and it's your time to have your mind made up, step aside. Step to decide.

I mean, she doesn't even need me to say anything else because she articulated it so well, this dialer. So, but like in New York, it's, it's a major crime. Because one of the things I miss when I'm away from New York is that often places that get busy don't have a good system. Is there anything worse than going into like a place that's quite busy? but doesn't have a good system. So you, like, don't even know where you're supposed to order. If you're supposed to order and pay first, you know, and then go down the line,

or are you supposed to order and then go down the line and pay? Oh, God, that hurts myself. I, like, there are some places with really good food that I don't go to just because I'm like, I can't handle the anxiety of not knowing what the fuck to do when I get there. I hate that sort of general confusion. And as I said, the world is not full of Cairns

so most people are getting there they're anxious they don't know what to do but they're also too shy or embarrassed to ask somebody because they didn't want to look like an idiot to be like how the fuck does this work what's happening here so we're all just standing there sort of dumbfounded

hoping we find ourselves in the right spot and that's the worst you know I hate that you know but I feel like largely New York is quite good at that you know you go to like a deli like a hot like not hot as in hot food but like a place that's got a good rep a deli lunchtime in new york midtown pre-pandemic you know when people still went

it to the office and uh you know it's like 12 30 1 o'clock there's a line out the door and like all these dudes are behind the county like you next you sir neck boom and it's like order and they're fucking you never seen like it these guys fucking raping fucking bacon egg and cheese bacon egg and cheese bagels fucking you know it's like what do you want next go boom next you know how much money and like even before fucking tapping when it was actual change and you know

so honestly let's face it it's usually like four or five Mexican guys behind the counter right doing your food and then the Greek owner had to fucking till right so you got the Greek guy you got the Greek guy at the cash register you got four or five Mexican guys and they got a fucking insane

system man fucking fucking shit's bad fast right And then the guy at the, the guy at the counter is like, oh, my friend, okay, right? So the Greek guy at the counter is my friending you. And then you pay your money and the system is so slick. They're counting fucking money. Like nobody, they got like, I feel like, I feel like Delhi owned, you know, like traditional businesses where they used to be like loads of cash, like they evolved like Greeks and like

in these, you know, people that like nowadays are like prone to owning these businesses. I think their fingers evolved to, like, have better grip for cash. Because nobody can fucking count money like these motherfuckers, man. The money's gone. So, like, what looked like it was going to take, like, a half? It's like, how can this line get through? Ten minutes later, you're eating your fucking sandwich. Sharing a fucking table of four with a stranger.

Midtown lunch, 2019. Did I just write a poem? Midtown lunch, 2019. my stress alleviated by a system developed over generations of hard-working immigrants. As I sit eating my tuna salad on toasted sesame bagel, I think isn't commerce. Great. Anyway. So anyway, that was that.

That's that dealt with. So if you're somebody who doesn't know what they want, step aside. That's all I can say. I'm actually I'm like a fast orderer in general It's very rare that I tell the server Oh can you give us another minute It's very rare Obviously it can happen where you sit down

And you're so engrossed in conversation You forget to even look at the menu But more often than not I'm going to know what I want pretty quick It's one of my hidden talents, my special skills But at a counter unacceptable so thank you. Great message. Great message. If you're a renter, I highly recommend you start

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Let's keep it going. Well, this is deep, man. This is deep. Hey, mom and dad, big fan here, and a giggler. The thing I think should be illegal is having kids at any age with no training or proper licensing or any supervision. Yeah, I think it's nuts. Yeah, I have to agree. You know, I mean, listen, like, it's never going to happen.

but it's kind of crazy you know that like I was doing fostering for Southampton Animal Shelter and I was like involved with them for a bit which was great over the pandemic but you know

they have a rigorous enough process for you know sending these dogs these unwanted rescue dogs mostly pit bulls by the way out for adoption they have a rich

because they know that it's quite a responsibility to have this dog especially these pits So they're very conscious of giving them out to people who might not be able to look after them, you know, to keep the dog safe, but also to keep other people safe,

particularly other people's dogs, right? Because a lot of these dogs aren't good with other dogs. So they're very conscious of it. So you have to be approved. You don't have to be approved to have a kid. It's fucking crazy. You know? I mean, what can I add to this other than like, you know,

like even i'm not i'm no catholic these days but you know until recently and maybe still to get married in a catholic church in ireland anyway so i can only speak for ireland because i know this to be a fact in ireland to get married in a catholic church you have to do a pre-marriage course you know which actually you know i don't think it's a bad idea like can't we just have like like the bare minimum of like you know can you do this now listen i'm aware that to actually see this through, you get into some severe ethics issues. So yes, okay, we're having a bit of fun within the hypothetical that, you know, it would be acceptable to control somebody's reproductive system,

which isn't even though it happens. And we, you know, I, like, it's funny how it's just, it's insane because we do actually control people's reproductive systems. But that's only a problem in certain situations, but not a problem in others. But anyway, so without going down that rabbit hole, let's just do it in the hypothetical situation of like, in an ideal world, if somebody is clearly not ready, then it should not happen, right?

Because it's not even fair on the fucking kid, you know, that they're being born into a situation where they're just, not going to be able to be looked after. It's bonkers. So the more I talk about this, the point I realized, like, holy shit, I thought this was a lighthearted thing. But like an actual fact, when you actually start thinking about it, it's not lighthearted at all. But anyway, there isn't a law. And I'm also very aware that ethically, if this was actually a law in any way shape of it would be rife for discrimination and, you know, all these societal sort of assumptions about who's actually capable and who is.

And so listen, I'm more than aware of the conundrum that I've just literally walked myself into. But just on the lighthearted side, can we just admit that it's fucking crazy that you almost have more control over getting a pet than having a kid? It's fucking insane. But now, listen, I know I'm aware that there's regulations about parenting and, you know, you can call child services and everything, but, you know, it's just one of the weird things about humanity, you know, we regulate so much, but actually some of the, some of the most important

things are just a free for all. And, uh, it is what it is. I'm literally, I'm so jammed up because I just realized the boy I talked. I was like, fuck me. This is complicated. But I'm leaving it in. You know what? Life was complicated. You know, I'm no longer going to be afraid to, to dip my toes into the complicated subjects. I'm not going to worry about whoever got offended on that one. Let's go for a lighthearted. I keep saying let's go for a lighthearted one. And I can't find the lightness in anything today. What is going on? Okay, here we go. Okay. When you're walking down the street in like a city and then like there's a group of girls that are all walking in a horizontal line and you're walking towards them and they don't break the fucking line and you have to either

be like, excuse me, like, weird awkwardly and like split up their group, or you have to like walk around them into the street, like down off the sidewalk and then curve back onto the sidewalk. That should be fucking illegal. Because why does a group of girls think they own the entire sidewalk? Well, listen, first of all, I don't think it's fair to say that it's just girls, right? But all the rest of it, I 100% agree with you. you know it's like it's like when um cyclists are like you know going too wide it's like actually

illegal by the way you know what funny enough it's actually illegal for a cyclist to go too wide but they don't give a fuck you know and i'm very pro cycling but let's admit cyclists don't give a fuck about the rules you know they only care about the rules in relation to the safeties to them which is understandable because they're very at risk yeah but they don't give a fuck about when they break the rules, right? So there is regulation for bikes, but there's no regulation for, you know, considerate walking on a sidewalk or a footpath

for the European listener, you know, and there should be. Because at the end of the day, you got to, if you're going six wide, I got no problem with you walking six wide, but you got to make a, you got to make a spot. You got to make an opening, you know? I put this down on the same, the same level of

civic disgustingness as the people who block the travelator, the people who block the moving walkway in an airport or train station and don't think that they're supposed to, if they want to stand still, that they need to step over to one side. So anybody

who's blocking up a sidewalk or going too wide and not allowing people to pass while you are really off my list. And actually, it's one place that I can summon Karen energy for the sidewalk blocker. I can throw out a very Karen-esque, excuse me, I have that in me. I have the ability to conjure up the confidence to throw out an excuse me to a sidewalk blocker.

Without a doubt. Now, I think for the Gen X's out there, for the older listener, of which I know there are some. I guess the joke you could say here is, this is clearly from a generation who did not play British Bulldog or whatever. I don't know if it's a universal name, but I don't know if people remember the game

where the people in the middle locked arms and then people tried to run through and break the line and get to the other side. And the more people got caught, the more people were in the line until one person was left trying to break the line, right? I can't remember the different names of that game, but it's no longer allowed to be played as my understanding.

Now, maybe I got that from the boomer hotline of fucking complaining about, oh, well, there's changed how much. We can't even play this incredibly dangerous game anymore. But so maybe I'm wrong, and it is allowed to be played, but I'm pretty sure that that game is no longer allowed to be played. But if you were from a generation, but you played that game, And you were used to the fucking school bully ripping through your fucking arms

at full belt, you know, because kids grow at different sizes. So there was always the fucking early puberty kids that were fucking breaking through these fucking literally like killing people, fucking plowing through, you know. If you hadn't played that game growing up, I guess you'd feel confident being six wide on a fucking sidewalk blocking people. But my generation, no, they were trained. we were trained at a young age fucking six people in a line and I need to get through

I fucking know how to get through round one get out of the way motherfucker no I'm sorry I know that there's so many people listening now and all they're hearing is my boomer energy my toxic masculinity

just everything about me is so problematic right now I get it but I'm just being lighthearted and joking but I think we can all agree that a sidewalk blocker is annoying and it should be illegal and it isn't and I'm not going to complain any more about cyclists even though that could be a whole other episode like I would love to do an episode where I 50% defend cyclists and 50% try to get them to take responsibility for times that they're being assholes but there is something that came up so let me play this now because I think this is

this is definitely something I agree with okay something that should be illegal that isn't Is the way that delivery drivers on bicycles use the sidewalks as roads and go 60 miles per hour on a motorized bike on the sidewalk? Like, what the fuck? I actually am astounded that I haven't been hit, but it's actually nuts the way that these drivers operate. Hey. I'm with you 100%. I think that I'm a huge fan of the electric bikes for delivery drivers because Hannah and I are big users of those delivery services. But what I am not a huge fan of is the lack of road regulation that they do not pay attention to because essentially they're on motorbikes, but they're carrying on as if they're on bicycles, but they're not. They're in the

bike lane, okay, which I guess for safety purposes, I guess it's okay to be in the bike lane with your e-bike. The problem is that a pedal assist, so I can understand if you're on a pedal assist e-bike, right? Because at the end of the day, a sense of you're just biking faster. But once you're on like a motorized e-bike, which is basically a moped, you're on a fucking moped. Now you're in the bike lane. It's fucking dangerous, right? So, you know, just like even like the bike lane When people are trying to cross the street sometimes Or, you know, like sometimes people shouldn't be walking out in the bike lane

Which I totally understand. But like these motorbikes are coming so fucking fast in the bike lane. It's just like it doesn't compute in people's heads. Just the speed that's coming at them. And then the fact that they get up on the sidewalk, like it's so dangerous, man. You know? And don't even start me on the. the fact that they're just running red lights at will.

The amount of times I've had to jam on, like literally, like jam on, otherwise it kills somebody, is fucking crazy. Like, it's so dangerous. It's beyond. So, yes, I'm with you 100%. And I believe that there has been a lot of incidents. There has been an increase of pedestrians hurt by e-bikes

since the sort of e-bike revolution. So I'm all for e-bikes. I really support the delivery drivers but I'm also for increased regulation or probably it's not a bit about increased regulation I think the regulation is there. Increased enforcement of

the law around safety. Okay, I'm not, I don't honestly like it doesn't bug me like 100% say if they take a right on a red if they take a right on a red

if they take a right on a red when they've stopped and clearly looked and there's nobody around if they take a right on that red it's not really bugging me that much you know

but just busting through a full red you know because like they do this weird thing where they sort of half go through the red just trying to see if there's cars coming but often they go so fucking far before they fucking notice the car that like the car has to jam on anyway

it's so dangerous man you know so anyway again i'm so cat listen i'm just embracing it man we've just embraced the a moan fest here today but it's a moan fest topic you know and i think we've all been affected by it so let's just embrace it just just easy on the cycling on the sidewalk man easy on just easy on just easy on areas where pedestrians aren't expecting you you know um but then also cars stay out of the fucking bike lien, you know? Even if you're picking somebody up, Uber drivers, don't park in the fucking bike lane.

How about that, all right? So let me get into my sticking up for cyclists. Don't block the bike lane. Simple as. It's great. I love bike lanes. I know a lot of people love complaining about them, but the safety around them is immense.

Actually, one of the things I miss most about Beijing is they have the most incredible cycle lanes. literally like a full road. Now, I mean, you know, they were able to completely rebuild the city because they had to pay no attention to humanity so they just would just destroy fucking neighborhoods and tell them to fucking go further out and nothing you could do about it.

But, you know, like ignoring the fact that it was authoritarianism that allowed them to just rebuild these insanely wide roads in Beijing. But beyond that, I would say that their bike lanes are amazing. So there's like two or three lane roads, right? And then like a tree-line sidewalk. and then a full width road just for bikes and motorbikes, but it's amazing. So I cycled everywhere in Beijing. And, you know, I know people get very angry, but cycling keeps a lot of cars off the road.

So these cyclists are keeping the traffic down for you. They're keeping the pollution down. So, you know, I don't think you should have the amount of ire that you have for cyclists. And I don't think you should be blaming cyclists for the lack of parking. Because, like, they're keeping fucking cars out of the city. So for every parking spot, you think you've lost to a bus. bike lane, you've lost a car coming into the city, take that parking spot. So I think it all evens out and it makes society a safer place, you know, especially if you have kids living in the city,

come on, you want them to have safe cycling. So there we go. We bounced it out there. Wow, I talk, you know, these pods, these apps be end up being way longer than when it's just Hannah. Let's face it, man. I'm out of control. Um, all right. Let's do one more because I think this one's kind of funny. Hi, Hannah and Dez. Love you guys. My pet peeve that is not illegal but should be is when people are in the grocery store and they pick up something that like needs to be refrigerated or frozen. So like chicken cutlets, they pick that up out of the chicken section. And then they decide they don't want it and they put it in a different section of the store. They just set it down somewhere. I hate that because it's disgusting. You've basically created a

biohazard. And it's not stealing, but it should be, it should be considered stealing because no one else can buy that. You've ruined that product. If you can't tell I work retail, that drives me crazy. And people should be arrested for that shit. Love you. Bye.

Oh, I love this one because I think we're all conflicted, right? Because this clear example, this very specific example, is clearly a violation. If you take something out of the frozen food section and then do not put it back in the frozen food section, unacceptable. Now, obviously, supermarkets, retail outlets, they account for shrinkage, as they say. You know, they account for sort of lost products from damage and theft. But it's kind of like the height of laziness to not put something back that can spoil. Okay? So I'm with you, sister.

I'm with you 100%. On the other hand, I think we've all been guilty of realizing that there's something that actually you don't want, that you don't put back in the right spot, whether it be at the supermarket or in a closed store where you're a little bit lazy. And you don't put back where it originated, but it doesn't spoil. You've just given somebody an extra job, which, listen, I'm not saying that's right. right, you know, but I'm saying that I've done it, but at least it's not, you're not spoiling something, you know. So I've done that, but I felt bad when I've done it, but I've just

factored in the, the amount of time it would take to go back, you know, versus just leaving it somewhere. But I feel guilty every time. I probably look both ways like I'm about to rob the store, you know, when I put the, when I put the blazer back in like the sweatpants section of H&M or something. I mean, I don't know if that's a great example, but you know what I mean, you know, or even like on the line. You've ever been on the line? Like all these stores, you've ever noticed like all these stores just more and more are creating lines that trap you? I think Hannah and I might have talked about that recently, but more and more stores create this kind of like snake of like you think you bought everything you wanted well here's 20 more things that we're

going to try to tempt you with while you snake away and head to the checkout so but even in the snake you know even in the when you're trapped in the gauntlet of trying to pay for your goods I think sometimes you sort of go ah fuck I don't need another 20 socks so you just throw them back oh that's probably a bad example because I always think that socks are in the snake actually one of those things that I'm happier in the snake because I'll get to the snake and I'll be like, oh, fuck, socks, handy, great, boom, in the basket. So listen, they know what they're doing. What's a better example of being in the snake and putting something back? Being in the snake and putting something back, I can't even think of a good example, but you know what

I mean. We've all done that. And I don't think that's a crime. I just think that's like a like a slight infraction. And at the end of the day, sometimes, I've done retail, by the way. So I'm somebody who knows what it's like to find shit in weird places. But at the same time, retail would be boring sometimes. So in a way, it gives you something to do. Because sometimes you just literally need shit to do. So going around and trying to find shit that's out of place, not the worst part of the job.

It's just fucked up because, so just say, for example, it was the last large or the last XL. And you've taken it. And then you've realized, ah, I see something else I like. I'm not going to take that. And you don't put it back where it's from. then somebody who needs a lodge doesn't get the chance to get that until somebody from the shop puts it back.

So it's inconsiderate without a shadow of a doubt. It's inconsiderate, but we've all done it. But you leave frozen chicken nuggets next to the fucking cereal. You're an asshole. You're the final asshole of the day here on Burnifone. So thanks, everybody. I have literally talked to myself into not being able to talk. And I have a show tonight in Waterford.

So this is going out. So if you're in Ireland, tickets left for my Thursday show in the Olympia. Wednesday and Friday are sold out. But I only added this show five weeks ago. So there's still some tickets left Thursday at the Olympia Theater in Dublin Beautiful, Historic Theater. So hope to see you there.

And also tickets left for my show in Nere, Neary County Down, which is near Kilkew County Down, which is there my grandfather is from. And other than that, the only tickets that are now going to be promoted by May are back in the States where I have tons of shows coming up in the spring, starting in Pennsylvania. I'm in Seoul, Joles, I think it is, somewhere in Pennsylvania, you go on my website, and then I'm in Providence, Rhode Island, at the Comedy Connection, in Levittown at Governor's Comedy Club, that should be fun because I can really get my sort of queen slash long island vibes on i won't be judged on my accent the one place that i'll sound normal when i'm on stage levittown long island i'm in miami well doral which is probably in a bad mood because loads of venezuelans are being deported even though trump fucking made them vote for him but uh anyway

i'm in dorale miami uh in also in april and i'm in chicago again at zanis comedy club I'm in Royal Oak Michigan before Zanis in Chicago I'm in Denver for the first time the first time I was supposed to play Denver was the day after I tore my motherfucking ACL and my life has been changed forever

so come to Denver where I get to celebrate the fact that I'm still fucking limping because I have country Malaysia anyway loads of shows there's more on my website go and check them out you know I feel like I can speak I feel like none of you are left. Who's here still?

Get on with your lives. Seriously. So anyway, thank you very much. You guys are the best. Listen to the Bishop Exchange. If you're looking for two older men talking about life,

me and John Bishop, the Bishop Exchange is now up wherever you get your podcast and on John Bishop's YouTube, John Bishop Comedy. You can watch that one. So we'll see you next week. We'll have Hannah back.

next week. I promise 100% Hannah's back. I will not, we will not have any situation where Hannah will not be back. Um, and, uh, that's it. Thank you guys. Love you. Bye.