Berner Phone - Berner Phone #8: Your Best Relationship Advice Ever

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

Hannah and Des finally discuss love. They asked the little dialers about the best advice they ever received when it comes to having a successful relationship. Download the dating app for ambitious GoalDiggers, The League at https://click.theleague.com/qmhm/bernerphone. To skip the waitlist, text the code #Hannah to your concierge in the app to find your potential soulmate.

Hi, it's Hannah Berner And Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone If you leave a message after the tone We may have to make it into a podcast What's up? My little dialers and my daddy dialers Dad boddialer somebody said

There's a lot of male suggestions coming in Also however you want to identify dialers Yeah Or what about just dialer I'm a dialer Yeah, I like dialers Maybe it's the little. Dialers with a Z at the end.

Dialers. Dialers with a Z. Dialers with a Zed for the Irish. Zad is. So here we are. Here we are. We made it to another episode. Does and I are still together.

I'm raising my hand. I'd like to make a point. Yes. I'd like to go on the record. Yes. And say that it's not a great conspiracy. When you put me on the spot last week about whether I say dilemma or dilemma, it's one of those situations where you don't know.

People were like, he gaslit you. Yeah, he said that somebody said, I gaslit. Now, I know they were joking, but I want to point out that my reaction when you said it was, oh, God, I actually don't know. Yeah. So I made an assumption. You had a 50-50 shot. Yeah, I made an assumption, and I was wrong.

And I have to say that I noticed in the edit when I was editing, I was like, oh, my God. I literally said, dilemma immediately after saying I say dilemma for the rest of the podcast. And I knew that it was some people, it was going to distract. some people because it was distracting me. And lo and behold, we've had numerous, numerous comments about it. The funniest thing is I forgot. But I, anyway, needless to say, my apologies to the OCD listeners that had a less enjoyable experience on the podcast last week as a result of that.

They literally were just like kicking the wall. I'm really excited for this episode because we haven't done a love relationship-focused episode yet. A love relationship. Louvre. L-U-R-V-E. We asked the listeners for relationship advice. Yeah, because obviously, because we're married, people think we know everything.

But I like to hear what other people know. Yeah. Because just because I have a ring on my finger doesn't mean that I know things. And dating was not easy. And we're also newly married. So we're always open. We're always open to advice. It's definitely a crowdwork thing I'll do whenever a couple's like,

we've been together for 25 years. I'm always like, what's your secret? How do you keep it spicy? There was a lot of people messaged in. Don't go to sleep on an argument. That's what a lot of people messaged. Don't go to sleep angry. Yeah, don't go to sleep angry.

Then some people would argue, like, then I wouldn't sleep for 18 years. Yeah, that's what you told me that the other day. I thought that was funny. It's like, and as a result, I haven't gone to bed for days waiting for him to say sorry. Because it's him, not me. Which is fine.

What do you think of that? No, I've always thought that's good advice. You know, the problem is that I'm also a big believer in the advice that when you're in the heat of an argument, sometimes it's best to just go, you know what? You're angry, I'm angry. Let's take a half hour. Let's separate. Take a lap. Ding, ding, take a lap.

Because I do find more often than not, at least half of what's bugging you is just emotion, right? It's just the adrenaline or, you know, the cortisol. and when you can break away from that, you can have a clearer mind when you come back. The problem with us is, if we're arguing in the morning and we say, I'm going to take a break, then you're definitely going to go to sleep angry

because you're going to go back to sleep. Or if we're arguing at night and we say, let's take a break, then I'm definitely going to go to sleep angry because I'm going to go to the room, think that I'm going to come back to you in a half an hour, and then I'm going to wake up at 6 a.m.

We have very different sleeping patterns. Also, anything I would fight about in the morning I would never remember because I don't know what I'm saying in the morning. So sometimes I 100% agree with the, and thank you to everybody that's sent in about going to sleep angry. I totally agree with that. However, I do think that sometimes sleeping on something actually can wipe away a lot of it too, especially if it's like crank. Time does heal. And crank, you know, tiredness is is hungry, angry, lonely tired.

Halt. It's one of the things that you need to deal with sometimes. So sometimes- That's totally good. That's not, that's not. I never heard you say that. Holt? Hungry, Angry, Lonely Tired? No, you've never said that.

I mean, I got it from like... Oh, God, now I feel like you're not going to stop. Whenever I say something, you'll be like, halt! That's actually like an A thing, but I'm sure it's like a general. It's a general... Anyway, let's not get bogged down on that because we have so much to get through. Oh, yeah. We're like, we don't know anything, and then we just start giving haphazard advice.

But I do want to let you guys know that this episode is brought to you by The League, which is... I'm so jealous of people who are single and can... now use the league as a dating app because I didn't know about it when I was single and dating apps are like the wild wild west the league is basically a exclusive dating app that like they do the work for you so you don't have to be like thrift shopping through and it's for driven people who want to attract other driven people which I think is awesome and you guys should check it out yes and I like their I like their tagline what is it their tagline is be don't be a gold digger be a Goal digger, no D.

Oh. Goal orientated, which I think is fair enough, especially in a city like New York, nobody should be ashamed of having high standards for the other person that they want in their life. Of course. And as a result, now that we've talked about this, can I just say that we have not relationship advice,

we had a caller in a couple of weeks ago who was looking for some, looking for advice about his relationship with a very successful woman. Some would say a gold digger. A gold digger. I thought it would tie in very nicely with people who are on the hunt

for a successful partner. Who could it be? Who could it be? Hey, yeah, I just wanted to call in because I've been having some issues with my girlfriend. See, she has this podcast and she likes to go on there and make fun of me.

And her and her friend is Talking, talking, talking, talking, and all of these people called Gigglers run up to me, and they say, hey, we heard this and this and this about you. And sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. So I was just wondering, what's your guys take when you date a famous podcaster? And by the way, I do want to say that I know you talked about this on Giggly Squad, but when I was going through the messages and I read this. and I was like, oh, this is somebody sending in a joke message as if they were Craig. And then I listened to it and I was like, holy shit, it's Craig. Craig is always providing the quality content.

But it made me laugh so, like, I just thought it was so funny, you know, that he would take the time to do that. And then when I messaged him about, he didn't even like acknowledge it, which I thought was even funnier. But it ties in with this, right? Yeah, he is someone who is very driven with someone who also is very driven. and I think that needs to be normalized, like a power couple. Yes, and let's point out that they had to suffer through reality TV to find each other. But for the listener, you don't need to suffer. You don't need to go through that pain.

You can just go on the league. And you can, you know, you'll find people that aren't, you know, that they're throwing it out there. I do think that some people think they want to find someone who's like opposite. and I always thought that I was going to be with like a wallflower, someone's quiet, because I'm so outgoing, but I find that me and you are both similar where I understand you because you think like me in a lot of ways. And if one of us wasn't driven, I feel like one of us would start getting irritated. Or if someone wasn't driven, they'd be irritated with me that I'm like always working. Well, I always thought I would be against, say, dating a comedian, for example,

because I always feel like, you know, you're so obsessed with the job. and that that would be like a clash if somebody else was obsessed with the job. Yeah. But actually, I was wrong. One of the things that jumped out at me first when we met in those early days, first, you know, six months,

was how great it is to actually be able to sort of talk about work and like, you know, engage with each other on like different projects. And also to not be upset when the obsession, you know, like the, not obsession is probably the wrong word, but to not get upset with each other. when work becomes very important, you know?

And I think that's a lot of strain in certain relationships where people don't like when the job feels more important than the relationship, whereas we both understand that there are times where work is just a huge part of our lives and we're comfortable with it, which is why I think it's good to me people who respect that. And I always was raised with my dad and my ear

being like, don't ever let a guy distract you, which, I mean, he's a feminist king. I love him so much. but I realize that you don't have to rank your priorities. You can just be with someone who supports you and all of you, and a job is part of that. And, like, I find with the right partner, it actually makes you better at your job,

but with the wrong partner. Well, especially when they can help you write jokes. Yeah, that's really helpful. This is my writer on the clock. I'm like, I need a punchline now, babe. So anyway, oh, you can go in the app store. Yeah. Google Play.

Yeah. Anywhere you get your absence. And download the league, let us know how it goes. If anyone meets their husband on it, we will attend the wedding. And don't think that anybody is out of your league. Oh, okay. That was me. Do you have any advice for Craig?

Like actual advice for him? Do I have any advice for Craig? No. Stay out of the comments. That's my advice. Let's do some advice now. Yeah, let's do some more advice. Hey, Hannah-Andes.

I love the podcast. and I love you both. The best relationship advice I've ever received is that you can't expect one person to meet all of your needs. You can get your needs met by other people, your friends, your family, your therapist, but most importantly yourself. Having unrealistic expectations of a partner

and expecting perfection never goes well. It creates so many problems and you wouldn't want that pressure put on yourself or the other person either. Holy shit. This is quality stuff. A lot of wisdom. I'm fully guilty of that

of being like this relationship is going to fix everything and I'm going to be a different person and I'm so happy in this when she's so right that like you can't expect someone else to change you and your happiness level. But also I think what's good about this

is that it's basically saying that there are other places that you're going to get the things you need, your friendships, other family members. And like, that's like so healthy. So healthy. I mean, I know I've been at points where like, I've been burdening you with things that I'm like, I do not need to burden him with this. I have a friend I could talk to where I have a therapist or I have my mom. There's like so many other things. You have to put everything on that person. And then also the whole like wanting something to be perfect, that's when I made like a tweet a long time ago where it's like it's about finding someone's whose demons fuck with your demons like it's

not about two perfect people finding each other it's like your mental illness and my mental illness do they dance well oh yeah ours are at like a rave like 24-7 you know yeah it's like too ambitious too perfectionist club the club i love the club of anxiety need need adoration come laughs, laughs, laughs, laughs, laughs, laughs. Look at me, please. Notice me. Yeah, when I'm on my own, I don't feel good enough. Anyways.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so. Oh, my God, you almost beat back. So anyway, so I thought this was a good one. Do you remember ages ago on Burning in Hell in the previous iteration of this podcast? You just sounded like NPR. I talked about the Celesteen prophecy. that about, because it's like a dumb self-help book from back in the day about the, this guy goes

on a journey. And honestly, now in my more cynical 40s, I think I would hate it. But when I was in my very sort of open 20s, I read the Selstein prophecy, and it had all these different prophecies. And the eighth prophecy was that you can't be a C, you have to be an O. But often two Cs meet and they feel complete. But they're only, they're, they need to be together to feel complete. Co-dependency. Yes. So you need to be. and oh, and then you make a figure of eight, and the figure of eight is an ideal ideal relationship, yeah,

which is silly self-help stuff. However, I do think it's totally, it's great advice to make sure that you're 100% comfortable in yourself, because otherwise it will be just, you just won't be able to get out of your relationship what you're looking for. It's just impossible.

And you kind of said it a little, it's hard to get out of it too, because you're like, even though this sucks, who am I without it? Well, that's the addiction, yeah. That's the codependency. Yes. And I always tell people who get broken up with, they break up with someone early in life.

Like they're 23 and they're devastated. I'm like, think of the person you are now. Think of the person you're going to be when you're 28. Work on becoming that person. And then who are you going to level up with? Like, think of the kind of friends you had when you were 21 versus the friends you have when you're 29 who are like, they get you. They're right for you.

It's this relationships of all kinds are actually more similar than different, like love and friendship. Yeah. I also think that like it's, it's, it's so. so important to have the freedom to go hang out with the boys or the girls, the girlies, uh, and to just like not be, um, uh, you know, like jealous or challenged by your partner's relationships with other people. I don't, I don't mean like in a jealous way of like, why is she friends with a guy from work. It's a red flag if he doesn't have other friends. That's, I hate that. Yeah, but it's a red flag too where one partner doesn't allow the other person to have their own

life. Oh, for sure. Or separate lives together. That's another great bit of advice. Yes. That's why we have two apartments. Actually, a friend of my dad's said that to me once. He's like, you need to live separate lives together. I thought, oh, no, this wisdom. And then I think I mentioned it to the prophet by Khalil Gibran about the strings of a lute. They're always separate, but together they play beautiful music. Like, it's important to, you know, it's important to, babe, that was fucking beautiful. It's not me. It's Calil Gibran. It's one of the most famous kind of, Is he on TikTok? I think it was written in the 30s.

If you go back to 30s, TikTok, go back to 30s TikTok, see what they were saying. It's like, I don't know about this Hitler guy. He just seems a bit intense. So, anyway, I think that's pretty well. Yeah, let's go to the next one. Let's go to the next one. Hi, Hannah.

Hi, hi, Des. My best advice is that relationships are like a thought. if you have to force it it's probably shit thank you just the dumb joke or like a thought oh like a fart sorry with an accent issue there

I thought he said thought like that hoe over there I was like oh no no relationships are like a fart if you have to force it it's gonna go to shit that is such good advice it's probably a shit it's probably shit I believe that so much because as a girly sometimes we have more pressure to like

get into a relationship and sometimes as a type A girlie you'll be like I'm gonna trap this man. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure he falls in love with me. And sometimes we're fucking good at it. And next thing you know, you've tricked someone to fall in love with you and then you realize, oh my God,

why did I force this? I actually don't want to be in this. Yes. And same with friendships too. Like you'll try so hard to be friends with someone and then you start being friends with them and you're like, there's a reason why we didn't naturally get along. And now that I forced it, I regret it. Yeah. So anybody out there who's

maybe like questioning their relationship, just ask yourself right now, is this a fart or is this a shit? Chris, hit us with another one. My best friend's parents are in their early 60s and still super hot for each other. So they're always like pinching each other's ass and stuff. So I asked them what their relationship advice was and my best friend's mom with our accent and her cigarette smoking voice said leave his shoes outside. they smell like shit

don't look underneath the toilet seat that's his territory make him clean the toilet and make him wear black underwear you don't even want to know what's on those white ones and that was her secret to a healthy marriage honestly I just loved her accent that was such a first of all

where do you think she's from I don't know but I was just like I'm putting this in because I just love the accent is it like Georgia I don't know I'd love to know I can't I'm not good enough with the southern. I wish I had a southern accent so much. That is so fucking funny. But it is like a symbol basically being like he has his faults. You can choose to obsess over them or just like let it be. Yeah. I mean it was just it was funny because this morning we came

back and we got the red eye and we came back and there was like white male underwear on the ground which was mine. But you were just like what's that male underwear that's disgusting? And I was just like, my clothes are literally everywhere. Underwear is everywhere. No, but I'm not to expose you, but you don't wear underwear. So I thought that a random dude came into an apartment, jerked off, and threw his underwear on the floor. And there's something about a girl's dirty underwear on the floor, kind of hot, okay? A guy's dirty underwear on the floor? I'm calling the police.

Yeah, I mean, we like to call that in the industry a double standard, but that's totally fine. It's totally fine. That's Hollywood, baby. I'm not passionate about standards of underwear being on the floor. As a girl, I did not grow up with like men's underwear open where you could like see the shit stain on the floor. Yeah, but we did, for the record, there was no shit stain on the floor. It was just right. Well, I didn't get close enough because I was just random.

I think it was just from like my packing that it just sort of fell on the floor when we were rushing out to leave. Let's, let's take the advice part of it because I think a lot of this is just really just to visualize some deep southern. I'm just like, I got all these visualizations going on when I'm listening. She's like, crack open a beer and tell them this ain't my first road. But you know what I like about it is basically like there's just some things that you need to delineate with each other. And it's like, listen, I'm not dealing with the fucking pubs in the fucking bathroom. That's your department. I don't want, black underwear because I don't want, I don't need to see the stains, you know.

And that's good. That's good. For some couples, you just need to keep that separate. And also, like, you having boundaries and being like, take your dirty shoes out doesn't mean I don't like you. Or like, if you said that to me, it's like, okay. It's those little things that you do that show you care. Like, even just, like, brushing your teeth before sex sometimes. It's like a nice little act to show that you care.

I know, but, you know, it's hard to keep... Because, listen, I have breath paranoia, right? So, like, sometimes I want to brush my teeth or I want you to brush your teeth. And, like, it can be hard to keep the passion going in a moment of, like, hey, baby, like, it's kicking off. And then you're like, let's go brush our teeth. You know?

I know. It's hard to keep the flame going. Yes. That would be a good bit of a bit of a moment. advice to come in from our listeners, like, how do you keep their passion going while being like, hey, you know what to make this so much fucking hotter? Let's Listerine. Let's fucking gargle. Or that's how we like, foreplay, I go. I think I want to brush my teeth. Yeah, it's like, I think I want to gargle right now. Like, I'll go. Yeah, I mean, I think. But I, but I think when

you're married, you, that's the great. I think when you go wait, I want to brush my teeth, it's a little sign that shows you still care. Like, it's cute. But then, I'm not going to, going to get graphic, but sometimes if you listerine or you brush your teeth, then you end up with a little spicy, yeah, yeah, you feel the minty. Minty conalingis or minty filatio. Some people like that. Some people like that. It's like an ice cute. Yeah. We got freaky just then. Just, just a quick bit of a... Ever now and then, we just let you guys in, a little too close. Minty mouth, which is fine, you know, it's fine. Deep heat for the... Deep heat for the... What about a cinnamon? Ooh. Oh, we've never done cinnamon.

I'm not a big cinnamon gal. Yeah. Chris, hit us. Hello. So a couple of years ago, I was in my 20s and I kept on getting into situationships, we'll say. And I wasn't sure if I was, if I fancied the guy enough or if there's enough there to have a proper relationship. and a friend of mine asked me a question she said do you admire him

and I burst out laughing because I didn't and I don't admire an awful lot of men and I know that that's a failing on my part and quite misogynistic I wish I fancied women for that reason but I made my own vagina never mind anybody else's

so yeah that's the question that I ask myself whenever I'm taking things to a next level with someone and I remain single to this day okay so yeah I relate to her so much also that's so Irish to say thanks a million thanks a million can I just throw it down this this woman needs the league this is I feel like she needs the league

oh for sure but I think that it's very it's a very good advice I feel so connected to her but I'm going to say something that helped me Because I would go for guys and kind of get a joy that, like, I didn't respect them because I felt power. But really, I was putting up a wall. Because if you don't respect them, they can't hurt you. And you can't find love unless you bring your wall down. And also, I do have to say, like, my best relationships are ones that I admire his mind. And that's why you should use the league to find smart success.

successful hot dudes who are also not intimidated by smart successful women. And I find a lot of men, honestly, the sex is better when you both respect each other's minds. Yes. Well, I mean, I know that the great hip-hop band, Dead Prez, doesn't get quoted a lot on these types of podcasts. But they have a great song called Mind Sex. And in the chorus it says, we're going to have mind sex. You don't have to take your clothes off yet. We can burn the incense and just chat, relax, have a good vibration.

But before we make love, let's have a good conversation. So this is something to keep in mind every now and then when you're... All the girlies are wet. No, Hannah. I'm a big Dead Pres fan. But I love them. I hope they don't mind me quoting them. That's all I can say.

It comes with mad respect for Dead Pres. I do think that a lot of hot people find other hot people, and you can make it work for six months just based on hotness because you're like, you're hot, I'm hot, we're being hot, we're hot, we're hot. And then the hotness kind of fades and they become just a person. As I always say, the amount of time you're actually having sex is actually a very small percentage of your relationship. Sex is important, but it's actually a tiny percentage of the things that you do together. Most of the time, you're hanging out, you're spending time, you're chatting, you're hanging out with other people. So that's the stuff that's going to matter.

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covid i fully tricked des to think that i was a chef because i got hello fresh and we'd order it every night and i'd be like what do you want for dinner babe and we'd pick what we're in the mood for and then i'd make it and it was so easy because it's pre-packaged i don't have to like measure anything me exactly how to make it and I can choose like how fast I want the meals to be. I was doing sesame soy pork bowls burgers crunch chicken with Dijon onion like I was wild I was doing smash bean toostadas like he literally was like where did I meet this Michelin star chef and it's more than just dinners hello fresh helps you stock your fridge with easy breakfast quick lunches fresh snacks I would order all the stuff we needed for the week and I'm super busy so these 15 minute meals

were amazing and it's so affordable and healthier than constantly ordering takeout. It travels from the farm to your door in less than seven days. It's so fun to kind of go and pick what your meals are going to be for the week. I felt so organized. I felt so adult. So go to hellofresh.com slash 50 burn and use code 50 burn for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. That's like really, really good. Go to hellofresh.com slash 50 burn. Use code 50 burn for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months that's a lot of percentages off hellfresh is America's number one meal kit for a reason what's the next one hi Hannah and does uh love you both so much you guys are my royal couple the best relationship advice that I've ever received is that when you do

things that you love you will meet people that you will love so if you're feeling really frustrated with the apps or you're struggling with going out to meet people um try reconnecting with some of your hobbies that you might have forgotten about and then chances are you'll meet people that you're compatible with. Okay, love you. Bye. That is so good except it's so hard to find a hobby. Well, that is something you have to get out of your comfort zone because it really does. Yeah. You know, it really does work. I remember in New York City, I joined a volleyball league and that was fun. Like, I met people. You just, you never know how you're going to meet people who you might meet people through, but she's so right. And you shouldn't do things that you

think a guy's going to like do things that you like and the more that you're i call it in alignment like when i was really in alignment i was like doing comedy i was being myself i was putting myself out there that's how like you found me through the ether you wouldn't have found me if i wasn't doing what i loved yeah i mean 100% i mean i wouldn't have found you we're evidence of that although that was career but still i mean you know still like chasing your dreams but i do this goes for friendships as well as relationships, but like, you know, the more you actually get active and join groups, like, it does help your life to be fulfilling. You know, it's so funny, it's so hard to make friends as an adult, it really is. I can get, I can be friendly with a lot of people,

but to actually get a friend, seem so hard. And then I saw this girl on Instagram playing tennis, and I slid into this bitch's DMs and I was just like, hey, I play tennis too, I'd love to hit. And I've become like, I feel like I've known this girl for decades. And it's because we have this common like hobby that we both love tennis so we feel like we know some the same people and we feel so like we've lived a similar life so yeah instead of looking for like the end result of like i want a friend look for the experiences and you'll find the right people because well because it makes it makes it makes finding somebody else friend relationship uh like might of people it makes it so easy because it's totally natural and it is nerve-wracking it almost sounds kind of cheesy

to like join a group. Yeah, but it really works. Join a cult. It really works. But obviously, you're going to join a running club and you're going to meet a fucking runner and you guys are going to become the most...

Oh, actually worse. You're going to do CrossFit. You're going to get it to CrossFit and you're going to become the most boring, annoying couple on the planet. You're going to be talking about fucking personal bests. You're going to post the app that shows like your running path in the morning

and then on Thanksgiving, you're going to do a 5K and make everyone else feel lazy. and pieces of shit. But you know what? If you find love, we support it. We support it, yeah. But it's true.

A lot of people are just like, okay, I'm just going to go out and, like, drink beer at a bar and, like, hopefully meet new people. And, like, you can, but it's so much easier when you could turn to the person next to you and be like, wow, that guy sucks at volleyball.

And then you start laughing and then you make fun of him. They're making fun of you. Next thing you know, you're fucking friends for life. Yeah, man. I mean, I'm a big fan of a running club. And you also don't have to be good. I know I'm, like, a tennis player,

but, like, you don't have to be good at things. I think that's why people are liking pickleball right now because, like, anyone could do it. Pickleball's perfect. And you also don't... You know, if you want to meet a 65-year-old man with back pain, you've got to get into pickleball. No, the young kids are loving it, too.

But I also feel like it's kind of weird to be like, hey, do you want to get coffee? But if you're like, hey, do you want to play pickleball? It's like, honestly, this girl's right. Yeah. And hobbies are a great way to know what you're not into, too. True. You'll be like, I like, Formula One.

And I have no problem for me, but it might be like, not the guy for me. True. Hobbies can be telling. True. Hobbies are telling because you don't realize that, like, when you live with them, they're going to talk about it so fucking much. What's your big hobby turnoff? Do you have one?

I hate when they're, like, obsessed with, like, calories and, like, food and protein and, like, all that shit. Like, I don't want to hear about, like, your body dysmorphia. We met at the right time. Yeah, I don't want to hear. There was a time in my life where I was kind of obsessed with that. But, like, as, like, keep it to yourself. Like, I support it, but I don't want him being like, oh, I didn't get my macros.

Yeah, I'm fucking intermitting firsty, man. So I can't talk right now. What are you running from? I'm cold plunging right now. What are you running from? Like, just fucking sit with yourself. Mind you, I did cold plunge yesterday or two days ago. Well, I support you and your cold plunging hobbies.

Just don't invite me. Hit me. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, does. So the best relationship of the bias I ever received was from one of my old bosses. And he said it's, Love is like making pancakes. So the first one is like, you're going to throw it out.

It's going to be burnt, toasty because you don't know what temperature you need the heat on. And then you're going to cook that second one, that second pancake, and you're going to know exactly what's a look for. You're going to have that temperature on like the correct spot, that sweet spot, and you're just going to be nice. You know what they'll look for. And I've honestly lived by that advice. Truly helped me out a lot. I love a metaphor. And even better, I love a food metaphor. Well, you like pancakes. You got my attention.

So basically, you want to marry the third pancake. You know, I actually saw a meme, which is where I get all my news, that said, like, your first love is going to be a type of way. Your second love is going to, like, okay, now forget it. But it's like, your first love is going to feel, like, really great and new and shiny. Your second love is going to, like, ruin you where you, like, learn who you really are. And then your third love is the one that you have three types of loves in your life. The third one is when you've been broken down and you're just like, whatever.

The third one is like, all right, fine. The one you're going to marry is okay. It is so oversimplified because obviously there's so many different kinds of love. Yeah, I mean, obviously there's no formula. But, you know, I think there are times in your life where you will need some simplification because you're going through it. Yeah. Whether it's because you can't find somebody or you've just broken up with somebody or you're thinking about breaking up with somebody.

And somebody might have the pancake metaphor in their head when they're disappointed with their first pancake. And they realize this pancake is burnt and it's too salty. And to get that second pancake, you need that first pancake. Hi, Hannah and does. Okay, this one is if you feel the need to put up his phone to his face in his face in his sleep to do face recognition to unlock his phone and look through his phone then you really need to reconsider the relationship like even looking through his phone in general

but really like putting the face recognition in his sleep she's speaking from experience is a whole another level but like looking through the phone in general sorry looking through the phone in general is crazy to me so it's so funny like what What is he hiding? If he's hiding anything on his phone, it's done for. It is so funny. That's all I got to stop the story. Okay, goodbye.

Best, best pauses. I'm not editing her pauses. That is so good. She's like, and one more thing? The same thing. But actually it is true. It's not even about like, is he cheating on you? But it's like, if you, because if you think that he's hiding anything, like, it's, like,

he has a weird like obsession with betting or like I don't know it's just a sense of like you don't know him and that he would hide things from you like that's telling girls do have spidey senses where like if you feel like I once didn't look at a guy's phone because I knew the second I did I'd have to break up with him and I just was like not in the mood to break up with him yeah well you know there's there's so much going on with this I mean like checking people's phones it's a controversial thing right yeah and like once you're at that stage then you It's over. Well, the trust issues are there.

But I don't want to say it's over because some people, men and women, struggle with jealousy. True. Which is, it may not, sometimes it's not to do with the relationship. It's to do with their own issues around control and trust. So it's not always a sign that the relationship is over. Some people are like, we have each other's passwords. We do a check-in every Monday and I get to go through his phone. But it's like, yeah, who hurt you?

And like, if that's how you have to cope, then, like, I respect that. But I think it's not cool. I think it's an invasion of privacy. because I think that you're entitled to your privacy within a relationship. Well, it's funny because if you took my phone and looked through it, I'd be like, okay, he's going to see me Googling

like, why does my vagina smell like a nickel right now? Like, embarrassing things, you know? Oh, you have your period. Period's coming. Like, it's more like, I just want to want you to see like the weird shit I Google. Like, what's the population of like Minneapolis? Like, I don't want, that's my mind.

Like, let me fuck around. I almost feel like I would feel like, I'm almost deceiving you if I were to start looking through your phone. You are. I think it's a deception to do that. I'd feel like I'd have to tell you, like, I look through your phone. But the worst thing would be that you find

nothing incriminating, but you just find loads of shit that, like, you were disappointed in. You know? Someone said they've looked through their guy's phone. It's just him DMing models who aren't responding. Or they're DMing, like, a football player being like, hey, you were really good last weekend. Yeah, it's like embarrassing.

You know, you find it like embarrassing things about your, or, you know, sometimes though, you know, like, so sometimes you'll have a situation where somebody can look at your phone and you can see like a conversation they're having about you. But it's like two friends. They're entitled, like you're entitled to have a private conversation about your relationship with your friend. But then you'll see that and it'll annoy you about what they're saying to their friend, right? Even though it's their right to try to process what's going on for them. But then you're like, I saw what you said. And this is literally goes back to the genius Southern lady earlier, which is like, you don't have to see what's under the toilet. Like there's something.

Oh, was that a metaphor? I thought it was. I think it's both. But it's the kind of thing where it's like, I don't need to know every second of your interaction when like, but also there's something beautiful of like trust. Like, isn't there whatever like just there's a beautifulness of trust? And if the trust is broken, then fucking leave and burn his house down. But like before that, like enjoy that you. earned this trust. But we're lucky. We both respect each other. Like we're not dying, you know,

we don't need to know where each other are at all times. I do think, yeah. No, I was just going to say, how do you feel about phone tracking? Like, I feel like for safety purposes, like, if you're like, you know, have a, I'm worried about you, you travel a lot and I just want to make sure you get home after the club. Like, I kind of think that's like, that's fine. It's, like, my mom tracks me. Your mother tracks you? Like, she used to track. me and like my dad jokes he's like you know she still tracks you but like I think it's cute that like she feels connected to me because I don't have anything what am I hiding from you know but what do you think about tracking I think it's not cool

in general I've just I've I feel creepy I've seen oh where's he going I've seen in certain relationships that I know that the stress that's created from tracking because it's not a nice sensation to have somebody be like why were you there you know also like I'm too busy to track you. Also, that's someone who loves the high of drama. You're finding drama where there possibly isn't to just like start a fight. And if you're tracking him because you think he's cheating on you, like get out, get

out. No, you like the drama. Some people like the high of the instability of it all. But yeah, you know, but I understand couple, every couple has their own boundaries. So nothing we say is... But I could see like if someone had trust issues and they were like putting it on me I could see them putting it in my head that I might start doing it back to them.

But that's when you get into that dark stuff about control you know and that comes from that comes from both sides you know the control stuff is hard to deal with. That's like one of these things where like you go to like a couple's counseling and they're like why do you need to keep checking his phone? Why do you need to track his phone?

And then maybe you can get to something but that stuff could be hard to break. I mean I've seen it. if you yeah i i feel like the phone the email like you can look at my phone whatever you want it's just like there's just stupid shit on it let's go to the next one okay so i feel like one of the hardest times in a relationship is when you first move in together um and some great advice that my mom gave me was don't make roommate problems relationship problems um really set clear boundary and a divide between those two things.

And I feel like it was a real saving grace for my relationship and something everybody else should think about when they're mad that their partner leaves their clothes all over the house. That's really good. And I love that she was able to make an edit and be like, okay, this is not going well, but I'm actually going to take this advice

and change the dynamic here. It's just such a, I just love the simple ones. Don't make roommate problems, relationship problems. Because so many relationships fall. Like how many people say, Oh, the biggest mistake we made was moving in with each other. Yeah. Like, that does become a huge challenge.

Now, we were smart. We moved in where we were still in the honeymoon phase. So we got away with a lot of that early stuff, and we're both slabs. So we don't get mad at each other. The only thing we get mad at each other is if one of us has the audacity to bring up mess. And we're like, are you sure you want to go down this road? It's true, the audacity. I'm like, don't fucking start right now.

but but but I think it is like basically it's makes so much sense to be like listen let's not fall out over the the direction of the toilet paper um you know did you are the cabinets open yes well think about what the definition of a roommate is it's someone who you wish wasn't there because you wish you were living by yourself instead you have a roommate who's in the way and makes your life more annoying. So it's like either you make your relationship that or you say, okay, this is not my roommate. This is someone I love. This is someone I'm cultivating a team like combination life with. So it is a mindset. Yeah. And you know, what are some of the other ones that are like odd that people really care about? Like, oh. Well, like little things like, you know, money becomes an

issue. Like you didn't venmo me for this. You didn't vent me for that. Also taking, being in the shower for too long. What's the acceptable amount of time before you change the sheets in your mind? Oh, God. I will sleep with... I will sleep with no sheets. I'll just take the sheep's off if they're really bad,

and I'll just sleep on the bare mattress that's probably dirtier. Yeah, but some people are very, you know, some people are very specific about that stuff. It technically is two and a half weeks, I'd say. Is that, yeah, I don't know the actual number. But I'm not organized enough to even be able to keep, I'd have to put it in my phone

or something. Oh yeah, like an alarm? Like change the sheets? Yeah. Yeah. If you start putting passive aggressive post-its around your house, it's time to make a change. No, but there's always going to be some house stuff that gets annoying. I also think you find

what your strengths are. Like, if you're really good at something and you hate something, like be vocal about it. Like, I fucking hate laundry or I fucking hate... I want to point out that these roommate issues, don't affect us because literally I was completely evicted from all my closets all my clothes are like I used to have a home and now there's like some on

the shelf by the window some on the shelf by the window in the living room like I was completely evicted but I don't care but I think that could be that would could have been a crisis in another relationship but I actually don't mind it is so funny the amount of things going on in a relationship that could end relationships for other people that could be an issue yeah yeah we can laugh at it honestly don't take shit too seriously it's true like you Yeah, he keeps doing the toothpaste from the top. Who's he?

Oh, one. Sorry, just because we were talking about ourselves just a second. A guy. A guy isn't starting from the bottom with the toothpaste. And then when you open the toothpaste, it's just like all this dry crap on top. You know, because I feel like, do you feel that you get a new bottle of toothpaste and like in the early days of a bottle of toothpaste, you're very, you know, conscientious about putting the cat back on? Yes. But I think both of us and I think a lot of people slowly get,

lazy and they don't put the cat back on and then you get hardened toothpaste around until the point where eventually you have to do like a whole salvage job. And you have to realize a lot of the time it's not a personal attack on you. They weren't thinking of you. Like how bad are you that how bad are you? I'm curious. Do you let the toothpaste harden so much at the rim that eventually it's just coming out like the tiniest sliver of toothpaste is coming out through like a through like a pinhole? I'll pull it off. Oh, you'll pull it off. I'm the one who's been pulling it off. No, excuse me. I have I have pulled it off. I have pulled it off.

Don't act like I haven't discovered... I'm a backbone of this household. Don't act like I haven't discovered some hard toothpaste on a... We're not organized enough to have a brittah, but if we had a brittah, that was like the drama in my roommate situation. It would be like, I always refill the brittah.

No one's... Because once you finish, you have to then go and wait and fill it up and put it back in. That's like polite. But if you go in, there's just a little bit of water, you're like, who do you refill the brita? And if you're always refilling it, that's a fucking war.

Wow. I just, I'm not, we're tap people. Yeah, we're tap people. Speaking to tap and let's tap on to the next one, Chris. Oh, God. Hi, Hannah and Des. My name is Abby. I'm calling about the best advice, dating advice. The best dating advice was from my mom. She told me while I was moving out of a apartment that I had with a bad guy that I was going on and off again with. She told me while she was helping me clean out the apartment. If you have any pride or self-respect, once you throw away the trash, you don't go digging in the trash can for it again. And she said it in Spanish, which hits even harder.

But basically she's like, after this show you're doing of moving out and everything, if you go back together with him, like, he's never going to respect you. And I took that advice so seriously. And it literally changed my life because just the idea of going back to him was like picturing me going through the trash again. And ever since then, my life has been great. 15 years later, I'm happily married. I have two amazing kids and I'm with a great guy.

So it was the best advice of my life. Love the show. Thank you guys. Oh, my God. The little dialers give such great. I'm like inspired by these stories. No, don't go back in the trash. I always said, like, do you want to go back to the leftovers and expect them to taste different?

Yeah, well, I mean, you love leftovers. I got distracted by that one because I'm the one that's like, Let's just not do the leftovers. Also, important thing is do not leave him to make him respect you. Not that she said that, but that's also like, don't play hard to get to be like, oh, now he'll respect me because I don't give him the time of day. No, because that's ego. That's ego.

Like, you're, I'm such a cold turkey kind of girl. Once I'm, maybe it's like because I'm a Leo, but it's like when I'm in, I'm all in. And when I'm out, I am so fucking out. And I do think that when you close a door for other. doors to open, that door needs to be closed. It's like a wind tunnel. You got to close the past doors for other doors to open. I think a lot of people will be never fully out of some past situations or like, you know, those people are like, I'm kind of always talking out with my ex, and it's like, it gets you stuck in a place. But now you just have to imagine him covered in like

coffee grinds and, you know, left over. The top of toothpaste. Yeah, top, toothpaste, hardened toothpaste, leftover spaghetti you know there's like dirty paper towels that are wet there's fruit flies around his nostrils cat poop yeah I mean that's why Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez I don't think they're doing good for society

well you know it's not that's not to say that people haven't got back together and hasn't worked out it's not it's not a 100% I do think if it's like been 20 years maybe you could give it a try like maybe he's had a lobotomy no I mean I honestly I think some people get back together and it works but I do think that it's a good metaphor for not going back in the trash.

But there's always those couples that are like always on and off and then you're like, oh, you guys are getting married? Well, think about times when you've had to go back in the trash in your life. Like your mother accidentally threw out like an important test paper. Your Envisaline? Yeah, your wife throughout your Envisaline

and it would never be found. But when you have to go through the garbage, it's fucking awful. Well, people always say, you know, get out of it and if it's meant to be, you'll find each other. And let's be honest, you're leaving for a reason. Yeah, but, you know, sometimes if it comes back... There are rare situations where it's like, this was the wrong time,

I need to move, like there's other things, but it's like a lot of the time you look back at things with rose-colored glasses. Like, think of all their memories, like high school, you're like, now it's fun when like there was a lot of difficulty there. I do want to point out that two of the most successful relationships that you've seen as a result of meeting me, Mick and Joe in Ireland and my uncle Sal and my aunt marry. They were both people that broke up for a while and got back together.

And they've been together a long time. But I do think that it's good advice. I think it's good advice for people that are struggling to stay out of a relationship that they know is bad for them. Yeah, yeah. Like it depends on the breakup. Yeah. It depends. Whether it's situation or like it was actually toxic for you and you couldn't eat. How many

we got left? That was it? Oh, shit. Wow. No, I think that's great. Oh, yeah. No, that's good. Oh, you're just... You're sad. I'm sad and yeah. I don't know, I mentally in my mind, I thought we had one more. Well, I do think, you know, if you're in a relationship. I like advice when you're in a relationship, too, and we got a lot of good ones.

And then for people... Yeah, well, especially because if you're in a successful relationship, you just feel like you're better than everybody else. And all these advice is coming out. It's like, yeah, whatever. Nailed it. My mom once told me something about being in a relationship that was really insightful. And she said, relationships are like plants. You always have to water them.

And I think that's really, like, spot on. someone who's she was been married she is currently married and you see how like just because they've been together for 30 years doesn't mean they're on like some auto track that just works like every day they have new things that they have to deal with and also oh now I'm on you know my high horse but no relationship is perfect because life isn't perfect you don't just like get with a great guy and then everything becomes rambles and butterflies no you just now experience the fucked up hard things of life with someone next to you Hannah, Hannah likes to get a little life coachy.

I do. I'm starting a cult for sure. I just want to point out about the advice about relationships being like plants, you have to water them, that when you're married to somebody who has a chronic problem of not drinking enough water, humans are like plants too. They need to be watered. So I think your mother needs to give you some advice just on... Even now and then, are you mad at him or are you just thirsty? Hannah gets...

Like, three or four times a day, Hannah's just like, oh my God, I'm so fucking. fucking thirsty. It's like, yeah, because you don't dream. It doesn't need to be crisis hydration four times a day. It is cute. Every now and then, it'll just like come up to me with a glass of water. Yeah, because I nursed two people. Like I'm a fucking dog. I'm like, thank you. Anyway, I guess that's it, right? Thank you guys so much for all the amazing advice. Also, DM us, if you have any ideas of prompts you guys want. We have a lot of good ideas and you guys have been definitely helping. Yeah, and DM us if you try the league. We're very curious. because we have to live vicariously through single people now.

You download the league if you're looking for driven people to support you. And it's nice and exclusive. No, but it's always good to know, like what these things are, you know, what these things are like. Because obviously every new dating act that comes out, you know, they're promising a new experience. So you want to find out, you know, what that experience was like. Yeah, be a gold digger. And 10 years time, we'll have people coming on being like, oh, I was motivated by your podcast. and now we're a three billion,

our net worth is three billion. We'd like to have you over for dinner in our, in our mansion in the Hamptons. Don't worry, we'll helicopter you out. That's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping to have changed the life here today. Manifest it, baby. Well, hey, I have shows in Tempe in January.

We're just in Arizona. We had a great time. Yeah. Yeah, we're being punished for a week in beautiful desert weather with a rainy New York weather. But I'm back in Tempe in January, So anybody who came to the shows in Phoenix or even in Tucson, I'm back in January.

So go and check that out. Yes, on your website, and my website, hana bruner.com slash shows. I have Ben Salem, I don't fucking know how to pronounce it. Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing it wrong. And you know what? Support women in the arts. I also have Sacramento coming up, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, and Portland, Maine. Baltimore, Maryland, Hanover, Maryland.

That one, I don't know where that is, but I'm so. excited, get tickets, Kansas City, Indianapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New Orleans, Atlanta. Basically, everywhere in America. Orlando. Madison, Wisconsin, we had another one. Reno Nevada and Charlotte, North Carolina.

And Des... I'm in Vegas as well in January. I'm in Vegas, actually, the weekend after my Tempe shows. Des sometimes has some surprise drop-ins. Some surprise drop-ins, yeah. Keep an eye out. Keep an eye out for him. Also, thank you guys so much for supporting the pod,

obviously doing a pod in a relationship. is, you know, a fun, exciting journey. Yeah. And we love the reviews. And we love you guys so much. Tell as many people as possible to subscribe. You guys are crushing it with the dial-in. Because we're egomaniacs and we like to get up the chart position.

You know, we like to get ahead of, we like to get ahead of some other comedians. We like, oh, you see, we're ahead of whoever. So, you know, help us. See, I'm just here for the art. Help us to help us to be better than other comics. Help our bragging rights. Yes. yes

thank you we'll be back next week with a new topic thank you so much for listening to NPR we're gonna NPR

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