Berner Phone - Berner Phone #87: Best Phone Apps

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Our screen times are alarmingly high so we figured we should at least find out what the dialer's favorite and most useful apps are. 

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. It's mom and dad. We hope you're having a wonderful week. Yeah. I was so much like... positivity. And also just like gentler and quicker than your, than your norm. Oh, because normally I just go on a rant You start yeah you just normally just like gonna go off on one

You caught me by surprise I also realize I've I've situated myself In a not good way that I have to I have to turn to face you so I need to Oh yeah that can hurt your neck babe I need to change my position You're actually sitting in my normal spot I understand but I needed I needed the I needed the plug

For my It's okay I'll let you sit in my spot So here we are another episode of burn it phone very early in the morning for hannah everybody we've we're recording a little late it's sunday morning easter sunday happy easter the lord has risen and uh so the the logistics of the pod are not the norm so hannah you say that every week though no but but this is like this is before 10 o'clock sorry that's why my intro was short right yeah because you're not as you know, it's bubbly.

And I said, did you have a coffee? And you said, yeah, but what you meant was I poured myself a coffee and you haven't drank it because I'm looking at it. That's my second one. Is it? Well, the first one was small and then I realized there was extra coffee in the pot. So I added that in. Whoa.

So we might have a real problem 20 minutes into the pod. When you're walking through the grass and it's hanging at your ass, diarrhea, bum, bum, diarrhea. Did you have those things when you were kids? No. We had all these stupid songs that was. was one of them. And then there was like other ones. I can't remember. But anyway, little, little, little dirty rhymes. You actually thought of the prompt this week. I didn't think of it.

It came from a dialer. Oh, a dialer. Honestly, I can't remember the last time we did a prompt that didn't come from a dialer. True. The dialers know what's up. So basically what happens is a dialer messages me with a suggestion. I screenshot it. You screen shoot it. Well, I screen, I was What is the grammar? You screenshot it. Well, I screen shoot it because grammatically, I wasn't, grammatically, I'm speaking, I wonder what is the, what is the tense? He screenshot it.

No, I'm because I'm speaking. You screenshot it. I know, I'm speaking generally. So I'm not saying about one dialer. I'm saying the process is dialers message me, right? I screen shoot it. The grammar, it's obviously screenshot is a new word. screenshot is a new word.

But I wasn't speaking about this one particular dial. It's not just a word. Screenshotting is my religion. I was speaking in general about the process. I actually can't even remember what tense that is. You've already lost me. Yeah. I feel like it's like the present perfect

tense. Anyway, it doesn't matter. My brain can't process it right now. Grammar. Grammar should just happen. You shouldn't have to study that. Speaking of grammar, how to giggle is officially out. Oh, that's right. Thank God for AutoCorrect. We're waiting for the New York Times bestseller list to come out. It is funny how like... Because I'm sick and tired of watching you have

three or four fucking kids books in front of you on the Amazon list. I actually would love to write a kid's book. Yeah, there's like a little kid book mafia out there, man. Yeah. Well, it's Easter books. I guess for you... Oh, are they Easter books? Yeah, they're Easter books. Oh, that makes sense. But I mean... So you're up against the seasonal. I would have thought Christmas books would be a problem. I never thought that Easter, you're up against the seasonal Easter issue. Yeah, so these kids are, you know, at least kids are reading. Yeah, it's great. At least there's a future for the children. Um, and then the let them theory is our biggest, our biggest beef. The what? The Mel Robbins book Let Them sells like 80,000 copies a week and I don't know if we can compete with that. So,

But are we saying that Mel Robbins is now like an enemy of the gigglers or you support her? Oh, I support her. I support all women in the arts. I'm just saying from what I heard from the publishers. So they put us in miscellaneous, not in like fiction. It's not fiction. It's never going to be in fiction. Oh, no, sorry, instead of nonfiction.

We're not in nonfiction. Oh, right. Even though we have, it's a lot of stories. I guess because we have a couple listical. we've been put into miscellaneous. Really? Yeah, which competes with like, you know, the let them theory. Well, yeah, because miscellaneous, you're up against everything.

Everything. You can't be defined? Page can't even spell miscellaneous. I thought you guys couldn't be managed. I didn't realize you couldn't be defined. You're miscellaneous? Actually, that's a good name for a special. Miscellaneous?

Miscellaneous. Except no one could spell it when they're trying to search for it. Yes. Okay. But anyway, we've had so much fun with the, book press it's been amazing hot take i love signing books i love drawing and i like the therapeuticness of like the marker on the page over and over again i get this own and then page will be like she has you know very long dainty fingers so she's like i can't do it any longer and i'm like

page come on this is my only therapy for the week well this is nice so um that was your first book signing right Well, we actually signed 2,000. No, but that was your first, like, meeting the public book signing. We did one on Tuesday and one on Thursday. Did it feel like the movies? Like, did it feel like when you would see a book signing in the movies? I've never seen a book signing in the movies. I always feel like, I feel like there's, like, a lot of, like,

there's a scene in a lot of movies where it's like, like, your enemy shows up or somebody shows up with the book signing. Yeah, or someone, like, when the main characters have, like, a good, they're blowing up and, like, they write a book. and they're at a book signing. Yeah, and then like their ex shows up. It's like, I know who you really are. The funny thing of someone who showed up was Isis,

who's the girl who I did crowdwork at my special. And immediately I recognized her, and she was with her mom. And I haven't seen her since the special came out. So I was like, ISIS! And I hugged her and it was really fun. How has her life changed since she became the focus of your crowdwork? She has bodyguards now.

She's a big deal. She's wearing sunglasses. Yeah, all want to hire her to be in the front row so they can all make jokes about that the fact that her name also represents a major terrorist organization she went to them at rife show was that after or before after oh after and he did a whole thing and he posted it and then the comments were all like Hannah did this in her special so then he did like a collab post with me um so she's yeah she's a comics gift to the world and then a girl came up and this is in barns and nobles in midtown and

And she was like, can I do the worm for you? And I was like, can I film it? And I was like, yeah. So little Barnes & Noble's girls doing the worm and everyone's cheering. It was so cute. There were also never so many hot girls at Barnes & Noble's. And people were very confused. They thought there was a Sephora sale.

What would be like, what would be another book that would come out that would like, well, Well, like, probably like the third, the third novel of 50 Shades of Grey. But that, again, that's not Hawker. Anyone enjoys 50 shades of gray. So, so you're saying that only Hawker is going to enjoy Giggly Squad? Yeah. No, what I'm saying. Gilly Scott is the specific demo of hot, successful, smart, funny women.

Okay. And then again, I'm biased. I think all the gigglers are beautiful. Yes. You're like, you're like a parent. I am. For the gigglers. That's why they call you mom.

Oh, and then occasionally there's a Gen Z who like compliments my outfit. And there's some jenzy. You feel better about yourself? Yeah. All right. So this prompt came in from a dialer. Oh, yeah. We didn't even say the prompt here.

Yeah, well, because it went off on one. We got into grammar. It's okay. Hannah had a panic attack because we have two recording devices in front of us. And one of them is. Using one, and Hannah's one was empty. And she was like, oh, my God, we're not record. We've just wasted all this gold.

My dad is walking around the background. Eventually, I'm going to say the prompt. No, I'm not letting you. My dad's in the background. He's having a full main character movie moment. He's looking out on the porch. Now he's checking his phone. He's a big burner phone listener.

He's, I feel like he'll appreciate the shout out. Yeah. So let's get into it. So the prompt came from a dialer. And it was the best app on your phone. right and I was excited by it more just like this is like a PSA episode like let's learn yeah let's learn about some apps I like when's productive but one thing I will say is you know you really you really it's very easy to rip on all the like popular apps but they must be the most popular

because I was shocked the amount of people that like came in with the ones we all use surprise me but I'll try to pick a couple of um you know, well, let's start with the one that shocked me. Okay. But I feel like it's kind of one of these ones where if you got it, you might get into it. Okay, here we go. Hi, Hannah.

Hi, Des. My absolute favorite app on my phone is the Merlin Bird ID app. You can look up all different kinds of birds, but the best part is you can record a bird. Like if you hear one in your yard, wherever you are, you're like, what's that bird? You start recording, and it's like Shazam for birds. It'll tell you what bird is singing near you.

Enjoy that. Happy spring. Wait, she's literally Cinderella. Or what's the... Cinderella? What? What's the Disney movie where all the birds... Is it snow white?

I don't even know. Wait, this is so cute. It's so... Because this, I've never been into birds. But I had a friend who came out to me as like, into birds. Oh, did you say it's gay? No, and he was like,

we were like walking, we were in Taiwan of all places, and we were walking around. And he was like, oh yeah, that's a whatever. And it's like, it's amazing how interesting it is. He became a bird watcher. Wow. And like, everybody gets into their stuff. But I think that I, if I had this app,

I think it wouldn't take that long before I would get into it. Shazam for birds is amazing. That's a great description. As New Yorkers, if you're in Manhattan, you don't hear a lot of birds. That's why I always liked Brooklyn and Queens. Well, actually, you hear a lot of birds in Flushing Queens. In Eastern Flushing, where I grew up, we did actually hear a lot of birds.

Yeah, in Brooklyn. Oh, sorry. I thought you said you don't hear a lot of birds. Oh, no, I said Manhattan you don't. But Brooklyn and Queens, you do. Sorry, my bad. What? We are working on our listening.

No, I just heard you incorrectly. We should do Shazam for married couples where the person talks, but you don't really listen, but then you just Shazam it, and it summarizes what the person said. the way, just quick digression, because you don't listen back to the pod. What? Do you know that Chris did do a rewind on the you saying about the fridge thing? Mm-hmm. Do you remember that?

Mm-hmm. He did it. It was very funny. Oh, he did it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Our listeners will know. I'm going to say, it's getting off topic, but you know people are married when you'll be hanging out and everyone's talking to each other and then the married couple says something

to the other person. the other person doesn't respond and then you say it again they go what like you don't process the person's voice it's like become like like like you hear the voice so often that it becomes like it doesn't register it just becomes like white noise yeah like when you first move into an apartment in manhattan you're like oh my god it's so noisy and then a year later you're like a friend comes it's like it's so noisy it's like no it's not it's like a smell when you first walk into apartment like it smells in here but when you're here all the time you're like there's no smell yeah my that was my mom and dad were like trying to get each other's attention yesterday

and everyone could hear my mom yelling his name and he just wasn't listening. Because he was talking about basketball. Yeah. But anyway, what I was saying is yesterday I was listening to the bird noises and it was just so cute how there were all these different singing songs happening. I mean, I'm getting this app because I would be curious to find out the different birds.

Now, I have to say, it's not a golf podcast, but I was watching the Masters last week. And you know, there's this big controversy about the bird noises. I never heard of that So you know the way you're always hearing the birds It's not they're not there Did you know that? No They're not there

The birds They're added in by CBS In post Yes And people Not in post, in live It's a live broadcast So the golfers can hear it

The golfers can hear it It's going out On the TV, it's going out with bird noises. Yeah, in post is what I mean. No, I know, but I'm sorry, yeah, but no, no, it's live though. What I'm saying is that that's a live broadcast. But I'm saying on the ground. No, no, on the ground, no, yeah.

But no, and posts suggest like in editing. Yeah, but I'm saying they're added, they're editing it after the raw footage. No, it's the broadcast is live. They're putting it in live. We're fighting about the same thing. No, I understand, but there's no editing. Yeah. Well, the edit is adding the bird noises.

Yeah, but it's going out at the same time. Okay, so what's the controversy? Because they're not real. They're fake. It's AI. No, because people think... Birds are like, can you hire real birds for this? So anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because, you know, I had looked it up recently

because I said to somebody, you know those birds aren't there? And they were like, really? And I looked it up. And loads of people were saying, and loads of those bird calls are not... not native to Augusta. And I was thinking, like, how the fuck did I know that? And I was thinking, oh, it's all these birdwatchers. But most likely, it was people using this app.

It was people shazamming birds. So what are they mad at, that they're taking jobs from the birds in Augusta? No, what they're mad at is like, why are you trying to pretend that these birds are there? They're not there. Is it an ASMR thing? I think they're just trying to make it seem more peaceful. Yeah, I think it's ASMR. Like, when people turn on golf, if it's just, like, silent with murmurs, it's boring.

But it seems like CBS is the only network that does that, though. And it's particularly strong at the Masters. It's like they really want to create this allure of tranquility at the Masters. Everyone was very into the Masters this last week. But I was like, there's an insane amount of bird watchers that watch the Masters. But now I realized that it was probably this app. What did she call it again? Because I actually didn't write down.

I wrote down Shazam for Birds to remind me. What was the name of the app again? It's too early. The listeners can go back. Chris, go back. Roll the tape. He did it. He did the Roll the tape.

The Merlin Bird ID app. Hot take, the Masters is under fire because they set the owner head of the Masters said that they couldn't do a woman's master's

which makes no sense. Yeah, he said what is that? My dad. oh really my dad is down there they're trying to play tennis right now shouting okay keep keep going oh no he said something like it would hurt the magic of the masters if there was a woman's masters yeah he said yeah I can't even I couldn't even figure out me start I'll disrupt golf you just tell me when I'll disrupt that golf course um so uh anyway that's a cool app

we've gotten a lot out of it And I do have to say with apps, I'm very guilty of apps are very good at targeting ads. So I would, I'll see an app that I'm like, ooh, that'll change my life. I'm going to learn about history or like, oh, a stretching app. I'll suddenly be a stretching fiend. And like I just waste $30. Oh, I've done that so many times. God, I wish I could think of the editing apps that I've purchased.

Oh, yeah. Captions. Calorie counting. Oh. Captions apps. God, what are some of the? other big ones that I've gotten that a photo editing apps I do have to say and this isn't an ad but rocket money does help you with some of your subscriptions yes you don't realize you have yes

which we have done ads for them before but that that does help yes like actually even if you even if you don't use rocket money a good thing to do every now and then is go into if you have an if you have an iPhone go into your Apple ID and check your subscriptions because you would It's de-influenced. You would be surprised how many times you'll be like, oh, shit, that annual one is coming up for renewal soon and I don't use it. It's like $70. Yeah, some big one. Because also it gets downloaded and then obviously you forget you downloaded it.

I remember I once was like, I'm downloading this stretching app. It's going to save my life. I'm going to become, I never used it once. Yeah, the Chris Hemsworth exercise app, knees over toes guy, which I'm using the ATG technique, but you don't. need the app. I mean, shout out to Ben Patrick. Great system. But like, the app is kind of pointless. I also was becoming an adult when, like, apps were the big bubble where everyone in Brooklyn was in a coffee shop inventing a new app. Yes. A lot of them did all right. All right. Okay, here we go. This is going to surprise you. Don't have a heart attack. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Dez.

So my favorite app on my phone is Reddit. But, hear me out. I just go on it to the Boston Terrier subreddit. I have a Boston Terrier. She's the love of my life. And it's just such wholesome content. And sometimes there's this one dog named Molly that the owner always posts her bringing little things. It's called Molly Trades for Treats. And she'll be bringing them like a dryer sheet, a stick, money. Um, socks, beanies. And it just brings joy to my day. Also, when my daughter and I are like bored in the car, we'll just look at these cute little dogs. And, you know, it's a parenting hack also. Okay. That's all. Thank you. Bye.

Sorry to break it to you. If Molly gets too popular, they're going to start hating on her. You're like, Molly's not even that cute. Really, another dryer sheet? You did that last week, Molly. Get some new material. I knew you'd be triggered by this. Also, her hair's stupid. She looks like shit.

Wash your hair. Do you wash her hair? Molly thinks she's better than all the other dogs. Um, so, now, I have to, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why is Molly so much like Bill Burr? Um, why is Molly shouting? I feel like Molly is copying, she, she's copying, Toto, like, get your own personality. Yeah, Molly, I've seen this meme before.

I don't know why people love Molly so much. She's kind of boring. boring. Molly's overrated. So I just want to say, so obviously Hannah and I are joking about the toxicity of Reddit, which is why I said to Hannah don't have a heart attack. Because I actually think that Reddit creates some of the most toxic behavior on the internet. And I know that it's kind of like,

it's like entry level toxicity compared to like four. Chan and A. Chan and all that and like the dark side of the internet. But there is like some severe cyberbullying that goes on with Reddit. It becomes like a group mentality because everyone's there for the same reason. So it's easy to think like, oh, this opinion is valid. Yeah. And there's something about that. There's something about the format that can lead to some toxicity. However, what I do end up on Reddit. I feel like Reddit is like the light and the darks of the internet. You know? You have no idea how that sounded in the mic.

Sorry, I'm slurping my coffee. Hanna was having a drink of coffee in a large plastic cup and going, uh-huh, uh-huh, and it came out like this. Oh. Oh. Also, this cup caused a lot of drama online. Why? It's a square cup and people were like, you're psychotic. Really?

Yeah, I thought it was just cute. Wow. But, um, so anyway. I was saying I end up on Reddit because, you know, I'm searching for random things like Celebrity Heights or, like, like, you know, Heights or like a question about something. And Reddit has all these very informational threads. I'll be like, oh, who's a good nail salon in Soho? Yes. And Reddit is where you get a lot of good. So it's the light and the dark of the internet. Yeah. So actually in recent years, because I was always quite against Reddit, at forums in general, because in the early days of my

comedy career in Ireland, forums were the only way. And, you know, there really was some darkness in there. But I will also say that when you have a specific niche thing that you need to get into, like severance or like ACL. So I really actually got quite active on the ACL recovery Reddit and like got tons of actually really good information out of there because it's pretty easy to tell the bullshit because it's always like an asshole that's like, why you why are you here? Go to a doctor. It's like, oh, whatever, dick, right?

But you do get a lot of good information. Well, because people can be open and honest about their experience. and without judgment. I do think it builds community. It just depends what kind of community. Yeah, but some of them are good. Like, I think like a bird watching one would be good. The Boston Terrier one's good.

For the TV shows, it's fun. It's basically like, oh, I can't talk to my friends about this. I'm going to go on Reddit, and they have good conspiracy theories about it. Love it. And information about actors and stuff. But it is... But what shocks me is sometimes I'll be listening

to, like, the Severance podcast. And then one of the actors will be like, yeah, I was looking on Reddit. And I'm like, no! Get out of there! You're not safe there! Because there are one click away from something. Yeah, one click away from a bad day.

A bad week. Yeah, because Miss Casey will be on there. And they're like, why does she, why does her mouth move that way? Yeah, and then she can never... For the rest of her career, she'd be paranoid about her mouth. Yeah, because some of these newer actors don't know that it's not safe. They don't know, man. Because at the beginning, it feels fun.

Yep. And then the darkness. But anyway, so I will, I will say the reason why I wanted to put this in is because I really have had a few Reddits that really did help me. And somebody else, I'm not going to name any names, but I have a friend who, you know, lost his wife, you know, like, they're young, you know, well, he's my age. And so very tragic loss, you know, and he got a lot of solace from the, the widow, recently widowed Reddit. like a lot of like real help yeah you know so that's like that's like a real benefit yeah i do find when you have like things that happen to you that are painful that you like can't just like randomly call a friend to talk about or that you're even just worried about um it's like better than

webmd or webmd is like you're dying or something if you're like oh i've a weird you know itch in between my toes you could look at reddit and sometimes it like gives you valid information or someone's like, oh, it was fine in a couple days, and I'd been doing this. I had a good time on the narcissistic parent, read it. Oh. Yeah. I wasn't sure if I was looking at my past or my future. No, but it was interesting. The ones that were relevant, because obviously, like, that's a very broad... Oh, my God. I remember discovering narcissistic abuse, and it was online. Like, after a relationship, I, like, I was really confused at what happened, and then I was Googling

it and I was like doing all those quizzes you know but then like it became like oh this is a thing and you never hear about it in school you don't hear about it and you're like friend group I mean people like narcissists but like it's narcissistic abuse from parents or partners is a real thing and it takes like recovery yeah but it was I got a kick out of it because not all of it was relevant to me but the ones that were I was like oh shit damn this is this is just this is me look at us just discovering the internet we're like do you know you can search things and there's people talking about it okay well we might as well we might as well get into one that we both use this shocked me that this came up oh by the way I didn't even include it

but the app that came up the most like hands down was the notes app yeah but I didn't include it because we just did like a note episode on the notes app do you use the notes app do you use the notes app all all the all the time okay it's it's one of my most used apps. It's funny because it's just a raw you know slate. It's a piece of paper. Yeah. It's literally a notepad, but it works. Well, that's, it's funny because comedy, there's like two types of comics, the comics that still have their

notepad and then, like, the ones that use their notes app. Actually, do you know what one of the apps that's so should be a good app and I think never works? The ruler app. I don't even know that was an app. Yeah, like I've tried to measure things. There's all these apps that say like, oh, take a picture and we can measure. It's a bullshit. You know, on the Burn of Phone podcast, we love to talk about how nice it is.

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Just to let you know, if you know nothing about Headspace, it's the app that has helped over 100 million people with their mental health and well-being with guided meditations, mindfulness practices, breathing and calming exercises, and so much more. But personally, for me, I have had times in my life where I have really, used headspace. Not only that, but I have actually bought a headspace as Christmas presents for numerous people in my life. I have bought subscriptions for them because you know you need meditation in your life. You know you need mindfulness in your life. You know you need calmness just to center the mind. But the thought of just sitting down and doing it on your own,

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Anyway, the best app on your phone is New York Times. It is the best app to open in the morning if you're a religious wordler like me. I have a 69-day streak right now, and I've almost gotten close to it so many times, and I just want to get rid of 69 because of like clearer reasons but it's the best app because it has so many games the wordle is number one that's something that you have to do that day I've gotten really religious

about connections too but I don't always finish connections I don't always get it right but the wordle is amazing and then when I'm at work and I have nothing to do I get on New York Times I'm doing you know the mini crossword I can only do Monday real crosswords anyways Well that's our religion I do have to say if you have trouble That's a big part of our relationship If you have trouble falling asleep

I highly recommend Start with Wordle Then connections And then if you're still awake Monday New York Times crossword Go to the archive And you will fall asleep every night That's what Hannah does to fall asleep

I like to listen to like a podcast But Hannah likes to hit the New York Times Crossword Yeah because my brain gets very overwhelmed and tired immediately. Because it takes her long enough to do a Monday that she actually falls asleep. So does, look, I've been working on it in my stand-up,

but it's been a little annoying. I ended up marrying a man who's smarter than me. I'm actually not smarter than you. I just happen to be better at crosswords than you. You're actually, I think you're probably better at Wurdle than me. It's hard to quantify because Wirtle is, I'm weirdly good at Wirtle. I'm weirdly good at Wirtle.

But for some reason, you're just not as good. And I'm not, by the way, I'm not great. across. Like the furthest I can go without help is the Wednesday. Well, because you have knowledge of the 80s and these, a lot of his 80s references. It's geared towards older people. It's so annoying. They'll be like, who's this actor in this movie from 1982? And I'm like, okay, ask me about a music video in 2008. Every now and then I'll be stumped. I'll be like, Hannah, what was the name of Taylor's first album? You're like, duh. I know. It's actually not okay because pop culture I would crush it. But then there'll be one

like the last premiere of the Soviet Union before the collapse and how was I supposed to know that? No, I get really pissed off but I'm competitive so I'm like trying to figure it out. But yeah, the New York Times app, it's totally worth it. Also, I got it as a gift for my Nana. She loves it. It's very communal with wordal and stuff.

You can send it to your friends so you all can like say how you did in the wordle. It's a really nice community. And I love puzzles. I love word games. and it's like a, it's cute. I like it a lot. What I love about this is that she was talking

about the New York Times app and all she did was talk about the New York Time Games app. Because I also get great use out of the actual New York Times. Yeah. Because, I mean, even though obviously people love going at the mainstream media,

but I promise you, you're still getting at least more accurate information than a lot of the places that complain about the mainstream media. And I still, I still stand by, despite the fact that there have been elements of New York Times reporting over the years that has been disappointing.

I still stand by the New York Times. It's one of the better publications. The New York Times needs to have bigger font. You know you can make it bigger on your phone. Okay. I was worried about older people. I don't need it. No, because the actual paper you can't,

but on the app you can make it bigger. I feel like it's a sad memory of like when your parents would get the New York Times and it'll be laid out on the, and everyone's folding it up. in their, you know, ways. Yeah, we used to joke about that, that like, the, like, people on the subway or people on the Long Island Railroad, they read the New York Post and you're like, fucking fucking

New York Times expert and they have like a, like, it's like doing origami. Origami, that's the word I was looking for. And they have it down to like one paragraph, they could just hold it in their hand. Yeah. But it was hard. And the Irish Times, like, God, this is getting too DESE now, too DESE, too DES, but The Irish Times is actually bigger than the New York Times. The Irish Times was a hard flip.

You had to really commit. You know the way New York Times to like turn the paint? You had to really like whip it? Yeah. The Irish Times, man. If you were too soft on that whip, you were going to have some problems. And there's that smell of the... Yeah, and the black ink on your fingers.

Mm-hmm. Yes. The feeling and the look of the way we used to receive our information before the Internet slowly corroborated. into what will soon be the end of the world. What's next? What's next? Sorry, Des.

Is that catastrophizing? But I do feel that, by the way, just in case gigglers or gigglers, dialers, think that I'm joking. I do feel that the internet will probably be the thing that leads to our destruction, and I feel like we're closer than we've been. Okay, people are listening to this to try to start their week off nicely. Okay. Well, listen, if I understand people don't want the truth. So I'm going to put this in and I'll tell you why for a reason.

Action. Springs, Earthlings. I come to you to talk about one of the best apps that I have on my phone. Hannah, don't get this app. It will destroy you. There's this app called Strava and you can record your bike rides. I like to mount a bike or your runs or pretty much any outdoor action. activity, or any activity can be inside.

But especially for mountain biking or running, it shows your times on the leaderboards, and then you can go faster to be the fastest one on the segments. So it's like super, you know, I mean, if you're not competitive, whatever, but I'm pretty competitive. So I've gone really fast on my bike just to try and beat people. And it's just fun. And then you get to track your fitness. And, you know, just beat people.

I think that's a great act. I love her. She's like, when you want to just beat some ass. Yeah, but you're turning, you're basically turning your real rides into Peloton. Yeah. It's also, I'm, I'm very guilty of, like, starting a run and being like, this is so fucking boring. But if you feel like you're in a race, it could definitely motivate you more than if you were alone. That's why I do like I haven't done it recently but Orange Theory

it puts you all like you're competing just heart rate wise so it's like you're battling yourself and who's pushing themselves hardest based on their stuff so a lot of the time when you're like you don't know if you're pushing yourself hard enough

it helps you be like oh I could do more I think this is a great suggestion because I had actually never heard of it and I'm not saying up you'd heard of it I've heard of it yeah I hadn't heard of it so there must be I'm assuming some people haven't.

And, like, if you are into fitness, because sometimes, like, the fitness, like, this is really practical, because if you're somebody that does these things anyway, it does make it more fun. Yeah, for sure. And it builds community. Which, you know what?

We've been learning people do like from these apps. Yeah, and when I was a big Peloton, I had my Pelton era, 2019, 2020. I was very into the board, even though it wasn't, people aren't honest. So I'll give an example, right? So there's a leaderboard. But some of the classes I would do,

were biking and arms. So there would be gaps where you're just doing your arms. And you're not supposed to really be, you're just supposed to be like peddling lightly, but you could see some of these assholes. They weren't doing arms. They were running up the leaderboard. It's like, dude, who are you fooling?

Who are you fooling, man? If you don't want to do arms, get the fuck off the bike. Go do a class with... Who is your favorite instructor? I mean, we've talked about this before, right? Honestly, at different times, I would like different people. Originally, I liked Allie Love, but then, as you know, because you caught me one day, because I did her, like, Sunday sermon.

You know, she's my Instagram friend, right? Right. Well, listen, I've nothing bad to say about her, except one day I did her Sunday sermon, and there was just, like, too much, like... Because it was her Sunday sermon. New Age mumbo-jumbo, and I was just like... No, she was being kind and motivational, and you want someone to kick your ass. Yeah.

Then for the most like soul cycle, I like Cody Rigsby because he was big into the dancing. And Pelton in general is not as into the dancing. So, and then honestly, because I love. Cody's also hilarious. Yeah, but because I love dance music, I was a big fan of Ben Aldous, the English guy. Because he played a lot of great house music. And like, honestly, he's probably my main guy. Ben Aldous, I think is.

I don't know how to pronounce his name. What a time. But I had, I had, I like that one that left Jess King. I used her a lot. And then one of the, one of the people I found really hard was, God, what was her name? She, but she used to do the Tabata rides. The Tabada rides were hard. But anyway, the reason why I said that I put this in also, because actually it was, it was,

I'm getting a lot more out of this one than I thought for myself. But very, if, if you are particularly an international drug, trafficker. You really should not use Strava. I don't know if it was Strava, but there, I was seeing a TikTok about, so I don't know if you know this, but there's actually an Irish family that are one of the most powerful people in international drug trafficking now. I'm not going to name them, but they are real and they are currently based in the Middle East and they're on the run from a lot of of different international organizations, including being on like the FBI Most Wanted list, and they can't really travel much in the world. However, recently somebody connected to them

got caught and they are possibly going to be able to connect him to one of the kingpins because he liked to log his jogs. So he was logging his jogs and it just so happened. that his jogs in different places also coincided with known visits of this guy in like unique places like Zimbabwe and other like odd locations where obviously there was international drug trafficking type meetings going on. So if you're somebody who is either in international drug trafficking or perhaps you're thinking about murdering somebody or being involved in like a massive armed robbery, just be careful about logging your jobs.

That's why I've been joking on stage about how, like, pre-Iphone, it was so easy to get away with shit. And if you got caught, you were stupid. Yeah. But, like, nowadays, you can't do anything. You can't even cheat on your girlfriend. Oh, I wonder has cheating gone down. There's no stats on it.

Well, I do feel like there's more opportunities to do it, but it's getting caught. more too so it's it's probably up in both more cheating and more catching yeah I'd like to get the stats on that now you could cheat with bots what do you mean like guys are having relationships with AI bots oh are they actually yeah wow let me see if I can find another one that is like unique actually I'm gonna put down one that I put a big question mark on because I have no idea what they're talking about and I thought maybe you would okay all right I'm going to get some hate for this, but 2048 is going to live on my phone till the day I motherfucking die. All right, hear me out.

I know that it's an outdated game and everyone's like, oh, it's not fun, it's two numbers, wrong, because you can just keep playing it and playing it and playing it over and over and over again. And it won't stop frustrating you, but it also won't stop entertaining you because you're going to be working your ass off to get that motherfucking 2048 tile. I've been playing for an embarrassing amount of years probably but I'm what can I say me and that bitch ball and chained together forever for life very passionate 2048 I used to play this game on the subway going to work every day really so is this like snake era it's it's kind of like candy crush but like less annoying

where you're like you mean it's more skillful because the thing that always bug me about candy crush was like, you could just really get lucky with candy. Yeah, this is more skillful and, like, numbers related. I actually, like, forget how to actually play it. But it's, like, one of those things that's, like, pleasurable. Like, it feels good, but you also, there's strategy to it. And it's just so, I think games are important on your phone to have. 100%.

But there was a heyday of games where the games were awesome, but they didn't, like, keep making you have to spend money. Yes. But then they slowly realize that, like, no, So basically the heyday of games was buy the game for five bucks And then you have the game Then it was like the game's free But then you slowly realize like oh

To actually keep playing you have to keep like buying shit Yeah They kind of fucked up games a bit I feel They did they got they got money hungry Like I wish I could go back to the simplicity of angry birds And just like buy angry birds And then just try to keep progressing I feel like the simplicity

Or it was like Redo this level for two more dollars And I'm like okay now you're just buying our success What were the great? Well, I did enjoy Candy Crush, I have to say. And Angry Birds was a great era. Was there any other great games of the, of the... My dad was obsessed with Brick Breaker. Oh, yeah, but the Brick Breaker was on the, was on the Blackberry. Yeah, Brick Breaker also, like, every now and then, something would happen and you would miss it by like a second.

You'd be like, ah! I loved Brick Breaker. Oh, I loved Brick Brickracker, and I loved, obviously, Snake when it was out. And you can have snake on the eye, but there's no need for Snake anymore. Maybe there are games. I think we're just like not in the loop of that like the kids are probably playing good games I mean I play WGT golf but it's a rip-off I have to put money into it and it's a very

good golf game how much money have you spent on oh who knows Hannah who knows how much money you spend on makeup okay actually actually not a lot actually not a lot sorry I I can't influence for WGT golf

but do you know how much of mascara is it's $2 on Amazon Yeah, well, I mean, I'm not spending much more than $2. How often? How often? Listen, we're not having a finance. We're not having a marriage finance chat.

I was wondering where all money's been going. Ask me how much money I've spent on alcohol in the last 30 years. Give me a favor. Got to have something in this life. So I was trying to think of some other great games, but again, I can't think of them. I think I'm going to redownload 2048. Thank you for reminding me. She got you into it.

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along with the vibrations, and then also you can control everything from your phone. You can check the battery life via your phone and see, like, percentage, like, as if it was like how your phone shows its battery percentage. If you have a partner, which I don't, but hopefully someday I'll get to use this feature, you can have your partner download the app, and then they can control your vibrator through their phone from wherever they are. it's a wonderful app it's a wonderful product it's by

girls got to eat podcast actually I thought because I knew we I knew we had vibes only lube but I forgot it came from them no it's so smart and I think it's like so fun and this girl particularly understands me and she knows that

I'm very bad with the charging and then in the moment of you're like I can't wait how long is this even going to take to charge no I do think this is good like we've developed technology in so many things we might as well also develop it in our sex life but like

how often you know like I feel like that sounds awesome and it's a great app but I do feel like it's not that hard to stay on top of your charging and stuff but I okay okay I will admit this it's very hard to know what

level of battery it's at so for sure well because unless if you have a good system but some people like again if you have a lot of different toys you can be charging them all yeah and so it keeps on top of your five or six different that's pretty cool

do we really feel that like phone sex or like FaceTime sex would really be that improved by your partner controlling your vibrator from a distance I could see it getting annoying where like like a guy's

like a guy's going down on you and you're like like, okay, right here. And then I'm like, why did you change it? Why did you change it up? I mean, we could never do it because obviously, you know, like there's too much joking around going on. So like we'd never be able to, like, we'd be more interested in like doing a joke. You know what would be interesting, though?

Because I know they have people send in, like, stories. It would be nice if, like, your partner could record, like, stories or, like, a phone sex. And then you can save it. Today I picked, Because that's the old SMS. No, but you know, like, ever now and then, your partner will tell you, like, a hot sex type thing, and you could save it. And then if you're, like, masturbating, you could go in and get an old story of them talking to you. I thought that was quite interesting.

I forgot that it was theirs. Yeah. Shout out girls got to eat. Shout out girls got to eat. A little bonus. All right. This one, you know, is close to my heart. And by the way, in advance, I will say that this company has advertised on our podcast, but this is not an ad.

So, just, just for the record. Duo motherfucking lingo. Duolingo is amazing. We're all on our phone, all day, every day anyway. Might as well take two to five minutes to start to learn another language. The notifications are hilarious. One of the girls on the app, like the characters, is literally sassy, and it gets me to complete my lesson every day because she's so rude if I don't. And I can't say it fully, fully works, though, because I was invited to a wedding and it's in Mexico City.

So the wedding website was written in Spanish and English. I wanted to read the Spanish version because I know Spanish. and I read that I'm supposed to wear blue to the reception. However, I scrolled down a little bit, read the English paragraph, and realized that it specifically asked not to wear blue. So I'm not good at Spanish, but I love that. Thanks. I think language apps are great to have on the phone.

You know, I mean, obviously not everyone's trying to learn a language, but when I started learning Mandarin particularly, because when I learned Irish, like, iPhones, that was all that was really in its infancy. But when I learned Chinese, the amount of help I got from, Duolingo, I don't think it was out yet, but the amount of help I got from like language learning apps is amazing. And it's not just duolingo, but like there's like fun games, particularly for kids, but like when you're learning, you know? Yeah. So highly, highly recommend the language learning app on the phone. I think these are good because we all are

on our phones. And we all have our routine where it's like, okay, I'm going to go check my Instagram, check my TikTok, check my email, and then you rotate. But if you're trying to consume less social media for your mental health, but also naturally have to have your phone on you, supplementing it with this kind of stuff is healthy. Oh my God. The amount of times I was learning Chinese. And I'm like literally playing a game that's like for kids, which is like six pictures and you have to pick, you know, the Chinese. word for the picture, right? And like, if you got 100%, you'd be like,

yes. And I mean, literally, we're talking like basic language games, but the thing is that I know those words now as a result. Yeah. Can you write in Mandarin? So I made a conscious decision back in 2013 that I would not spend the time learning how to

physically write the characters because I was in a rush. I had to learn enough Mandarin to, I had to learn enough Mandarin to do stand-up. within a year. So I said, I'll save time and not focus on the writing because you can, but I did focus on the reading. So I can read and I can, there's a typing system to type in Chinese characters using Pinyin, the Western letters that represent Chinese words.

So I can read, I can type and I can speak, but I did not take the time to learn to write because it's quite time consuming. Well, yeah, it's a whole other. And people write less and less. You write less and less these days. If you can type, that's great. But it annoys me that I'm bad at writing Chinese. Like really annoys me. And I had to do the basics of that in class because I just had certain homework

when I was in class of writing. But beyond that... So in that year, did you also have to write the jokes? Well, I would write the jokes... But I'm saying, like, did you have to write new material or did you have the jokes already? Largely wrote new stuff because it was very...

It's very hard to translate jokes. Yeah. Plus, like, you have to do jokes. for these people that relates you know so like what's the point of you know i don't know doing material about some western cultural thing yeah they don't have any connection to but i'm saying as someone who's coming up with a new hour in one year you wrote a whole new hour i i didn't write an hour oh this this this time that you're obsessed with i i didn't write an hour in uh in mandarin in the first year no not even close i didn't i didn't need that but but but

But what I did was I became like a regular, I became a regularly performing stand-up comedian in Mandarin. Yeah. So I'd say, I don't know, I'd say, by the end of the first year, I had like 20 good minutes, maybe a half hour. Yeah, that's amazing. But I was very good at, I used to host a lot of shows in Mandarin, and I was very good at riffing.

Riffing and improvising. I was almost better at that because, you know, I could use my basic language skills with my quite experience. improvising skills and impress the audiences being off the cuff. Whereas like it's hard to like, you know, think of a highly thought out joke with my limited language skills. You know, it was actually kind of almost harder to do that. But anyway, that's what I did. But all the jokes were largely things about my experiences in China.

So I was writing stories about things that happened to me. And I had some help, you know. Let's do one for the girlies. Hi, Hannah and Des. Um, this one's for the girlies. The best app on my phone is this app called Yuka. And basically it will scan like skincare or like makeup or hair care products. And it will tell you on a scale from zero to 100, um, like how trustworthy or like good that product is. So obviously like don't trust everything you see on the internet. But, um, it's definitely useful and has helped me like guide my purchases um so definitely recommend and yeah love you guys bye oh i love that is that like yelp

for makeup i love that maybe it's like i'm i wonder how they rate like trustability i know there's stuff like that for like if you're you want to use like vegan products or like clean products it tells you how like actually clean certain products are i just love de-influencing stuff and there's so much good marketing out there or even just because everyone bought something doesn't mean it's actually good. So I'm going to definitely try that out. The Yuka app. Yeah.

So that's what I was hoping to get a couple that are like, oh yeah, that's good. Yeah. Or sometimes like, yeah, you don't know which product of two to buy. You throw it in and it helps you because it's hard to just purchase everything and experiment to see what works. Okay, just I don't know what this app is. So I want to play one more because I don't know what it is. A little surprise at the end. Hi, Hannah.

Hi, does. Love you both. Hannah, also, you're looking so bum in all these press tour interviews. I'm living. I'm obsessed. And the butt looks so good. Second, my favorite app of my phone is Hayday as, like, this farming app. And me and my sister recently got super into it.

But she got this new boyfriend who's on, like, level like 100-something. And so now we all do like insider. trading and trade stuff for like a dollar and stuff because I want to make sure that my farm gets really well but now I've kind of bullied him into giving me things for like a dollar and stuff because I'll tell him that I won't like him and I'll spread rumors about him to our family if he doesn't so yeah we're fully blackmailing each other for help and stuff on the farm and it has overtaken my responsibilities because I gave up social media for lent so I've fully been addicted to farming on a app yeah

I love this. When I read this, I just didn't get it. This has everything. It has addiction, extortion, environmentalism. Yeah. So it's actually, because I put it down as like a heyday, like, oh, in our hey day. But I realized it's fucking hay. Oh.

So I was like, because when I read it at the time, I was like, I'm going to put this in because I have no idea. Well, there was that farming app that was like really popular on Facebook that people were into. This is funny also that it's. So they're now like running a farm. They're running a mafia farm. Yeah. And I love this. that she's, you know, threatening the new boyfriend and he's, like, fully has to pay her stuff.

Yeah. I like that a lot. It becomes like a farming soap opera. I wish that these apps with fake farming, imagine if they were, like, real farming, like, how severance, they're doing something with numbers, but it's also, like, affecting something in real life. Yeah, this is amazing. Yeah, well, anyway, that was a fun. I just didn't know what it was. What if there was an app that helped, like, clean the ocean, but we're all just, like, playing games?

Oh, yeah, like... Like severance. Yes. Maybe the severance model is... Maybe Lumen's not as bad as we think. Maybe Lumen's actually good. Yeah. Dun-dun-dun.

All right, I know we said we're going to go, but shout out to an app we use all the time. Y'all won't be able to relate, but out here in Bumfuck, we got to drive everywhere, and we got little town cops that are just looking to meet their quotas. So, you know, Waze is definitely at the top of the list

for most used. apps in my phone I know you city folk don't drive but here we got a lot of back roads potholes bullshit beach traffic and ways honestly help save the day most of the time and then there's that other one percent of the time where it actually makes your trip longer than needed but still use it every day thanks ways love you all goodbye wow I know Does loves Ways I mean first of all We might not be a bum fuck

But we drive a lot Just for the record But a big Ways fan I love a 1% Ways does fuck you Yeah and when it does Like the amount of anger that they're Every now and then when they get it wrong

The anger they get Doesn't equal the amount of happiness I get from when they save me from Yeah because you're like good That's what you're supposed to do Yeah you're doing your job And you're like I've been wronged Someone my enemies are out to get me

But you know it's funny I've whenever I'm in an Uber I notice when they're on ways they always mark the police Oh the ubers are doing it Yeah like they're marking the police Oh interesting They're all they're the ones

They're out there Because you don't have to No But I guess it's an option Yeah because it's all communal Yeah so it's people in the community Clicking it that's warning you Yeah and it's funny because everyone's on ways now basically

Like I feel like very few people drive without ways on Yeah So I've noticed on the LIA these days Sorry the Long Island Expressway that if you see the cop thing on the app before you can see the cop, I will notice everyone's starting to slow down because everyone's seeing the same thing.

These cops are like, they're onto us. They're on to us, man. Wow. But, you know, there's always somebody that doesn't have ways on, or there's always a cop that's just got into position. But you know what? It is helping people slow down and be smarter.

Yeah. And maybe the cops are getting less tickets, but... A car pulled over on the shoulder doesn't need as much. Like, some people are like, overzealous, like, car stop. It's like, okay, but they're parked. Like, like, this isn't a real issue. Some of it's a little bit too much.

But I guess some people are into it. No, Ways is a lifestyle. There's probably like a whole culture. You know, we were watching Love on the spectrum and the girls really into trains? Yeah. There's probably like a whole Ways culture. There's definitely a Ways Reddit.

Is there? I don't know. Oh, my God, I got to go on there. Like, today, today I was driving on Route 56, and I saw a cop that was not listed on the app. Coming full circle. You guys, thank you for dialing in. We love you so much.

I'm in New Brunswick, New Jersey next weekend. Friday, Saturday, the stress factory. And then I have a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the following weekend in Phoenix, Arizona, and then Sunday in Denver. Grab how to giggle if you haven't. It's available everywhere online. And also, I will be in Connecticut early May in Ridgefield. So check that out.

Check it out. We'll have a lot of Connecticut action. Yeah. Because I'm in Mohegan Sun. following weekend. I'm in Stanford. All right, everybody. Hi, Hennandez. I love you all so much and Paige. The app that I probably use the most is chat GPT. I use it literally all day. Every day. I use it. I'm in college and I use it for all of my classes. I ask about my skincare routine on it. I ask questions about my cats, like why they make weird noises when they run towards me sometimes. I ask questions like, am I dying because I have a weird eye twitch or headache? You know, like any thought that comes to my head, I immediately just ask. chat GPT and I trust any answer that it gives me and will repeat it to anyone.

So, okay, by far the best app on my phone is flight radar. You look up in the sky, you're like, I wonder where that plane's going, and you can figure it out. And I think that's pretty exciting. You have a family member taking a flight, you can track their flight, when shit goes, wrong, you can follow the planes, see where it goes. I mean, what more could you want? Just some mindless, and it's crazy. Like, why the fuck are there so many planes in the sky?

Like, I love that. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy my message. Love ya. Hi, Hannah Dez, Giggler from Toronto here. So for this prompt, I may have a niche one. It's called Shark Tracker. It's where you can see where all the tagged, Sharks from Ocean, Chalk.

Hey, guys. So this is not about a specific app on my phone, but how I organize my apps on my phone. And I feel like everyone needs to hear this and everyone should do it because it's been amazing for me. I have my folders on my home screen that hold my apps as affirmations. So I have, I am successful and it's all of my work apps. It's, I have, I am creative and it's all of my notes and my journaling apps. I have, I am hot and it's my dating apps.

And then my favorite is I am rich and it's all of my banking apps and everything like that. And I think I have some more that I can't check right now because I'm doing this recording. But I swear my relationship with money has gotten better since I now have to read to myself, I am rich every time I open up my Chase app. So everyone should do it.