Berner Phone - Berner Phone #88: Deinfluencing You

Episode Date: April 28, 2025

Despite Hannah promoting her book for the past two weeks, we're talking about the things you shouldn't buy. Sometimes the items we think will make our lives easier actually turn out to do more harm than good.

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hi, my little dialers, it's mom and dad, and it's a beautiful day in New York City. But I feel like a meteorologist. It's about 80 degrees, no clouds in the sky. You love asking me the weather in the morning? Like, neither of us have been outside, and you're like, what's it like outside today?

It's like, I'm going to use the same information that you have access to. Well, you've been awake for four hours before me, so I think that maybe you've checked the weather on your phone. My favorites, you're like, open the window, I don't know. But it's a beautiful day. The Mets just won again. A big walk-off win for the Mets, which we're blowing up our spot for being insanely organized this week, where we are normally behind schedule. Fighting for our lives It's only Wednesday afternoon

And we were so excited to do this one We couldn't wait We couldn't wait We were organized You're going to California at the weekend I'm in New Jersey So this weekend So it's like let's get it done

Hell yeah I just want to say For people who don't know The Mets haven't historically been A winning team Hannah literally started crying Hannah's PMSing. She started crying when Starling-Marty hit a walk-off hit,

but she still has this, she still has this disease of Yankee fandom in her soul that she thinks she needs to start a conversation about the Mets by talking about how traditionally they've been struggling. But I want to point out that the Mets have had a lot of tough times in their life, but since Hannah has become a fan, It's basically been almost always happy times. Yeah.

And so don't get some credit. Don't talk about the struggles. Can I be a good luck charm for something? You're definitely a good luck charm. Let's talk about the other bit of good luck that we've just heard. I mean, again, you're going to save it for Giggly Squad, but we did just hear. We just found out that Giggly Squad is a New York Times bestseller. it is number two behind the Let Them Theory

so Mel Robbins did not let them I think most people just say New York Times bestseller I don't think people, no but I don't think people focus on the number I do think though if you get number one I'm number one I'm number one I mean let's face it we have a new enemy Mel Robbins Mel Robbins yeah she doesn't support women

what she doesn't support young women authors It's coming up. Oh, sorry. I thought you were like slandering her. I thought we were. No, I mean, I was doing a jokeily, but then you were like, she doesn't. I thought I didn't know about the his. I thought she was like, like a, you know, like a, like a, what's her, what's the former Fox News?

What's the former Fox News blonde woman? Megan Kelly? Yeah, yeah. I thought you were like, you know, saying she's like a Megan Kelly type. But you were just joking that she doesn't support women because... I'm just joking. I'm just... But also her theory is about like when things go wrong, it's fine.

Let them. So we're just letting them. No, number two is pretty good. You're just a little unlucky. Oh yeah, they basically were like, that's a juggernaut. But also, it really doesn't matter. It's just so cool that the book did well. And it was...

We put, you know, over two years into it. So it's cool to have a moment of accomplishment. But back to the Mets. By the way, the best back page collection of quotes of a book ever written. Really? You think that... Well, I'm biased. But someone actually did send to me

that they work for some like book thing. Clearly, I know nothing about books, but they showed our back blurbs and said, this is an example of what a blurb should be. Your back blurb? Yeah, like it's... Including the quotes? Yeah.

Like it's just saying it was welcome The quotes are like laugh out loud funny Well the whole book is supposed to be funny So I figured why stop at the back And make it like formal and weird So I kind of had a vision for it I think I've seen people do that With like their bios

Yes oh yeah totally Having funny quotes and stuff That's high where I got the idea Comedy posters Yeah like about a show So I figured that's what I wanted to do for the back Yeah but you got permission from Because you got some pretty heavy hitters in there

Well, the way the Chelsea Handler thing worked is I actually had a vision for it. So I sent her a couple options of what I wanted her to say. And she picked the one I wanted, which was, I think I met them once. And then Amy Poehler wanted to just say something nice and genuine. I'm like, damn, Amy Poehler, you sweet, amazing woman. That's the only real quote on there. Yeah, I didn't even. Sorry, it's the only quote that's actually like these people are awesome.

It's the rest we wrote. And we didn't ask permission from Gary DeSorbo or my mom or Grace or Simon and Schuster. There are definitely inside jokes in it, like not everyone, but like the publisher saying we have a lot of notes is so like layered and giggly coded. Yes. Also, the whole back of the book, when I say the back, a good 20 pages is just a glossary of all our favorite terms we like to say because we had to hit a word minimum. Oh, my God. I nearly got roped into that word. I once said you were like, do you want to just write a chapter?

Both our mom, Kim sent a recipe, a pasta recipe. I felt like I was one of those, it was like a magazine where we're like, okay, does anyone have an op-ed they want to write? Speaking of things being kiggly quoted, not, I shouldn't look out for. I wasn't looking out for things, but I accidentally stumbled upon one of these dumb, like, blog posts. And it wasn't particularly negative, but they were trying to create shade saying that the giggly book shaded some people, right, including me, which is how I saw it, including my name, saying that even her husband wasn't spared shade, even her husband, Des Bishop, wasn't spared shade, which is how I saw this, right? And then so I was like, what did they say about me? Because I read the book.

I was like, I didn't, you know, so then they were like, and they suggested that Dez has a second family because he spends a lot of time in Ireland. I was like, this is a giggly squad joke. This is not shade. That's not shade. That's an accusation. That's not shame. That's ridiculous. Anyway, so.

We didn't use any, like, particular names or anything. Like, what do you mean? Like if about like ex-boyfriends No, no, no, 100%. You know, they just love, they just love that. I mean, so anyway, I mean. You could read between the lines and things, but it definitely wasn't one of those books

where we were like, and let me tell you to see, because that's for my next book. New York Times bestseller. So this is good because you know the way there's like, there's different types of success. And one of my best, my best friend, a person I've known since I'm two years old, his mother trying to contact your classic

you know a mom situation trying to contact you messaged me thinking she was talking to you on my Facebook I was like oh congratulations on being on Drew Baramore Hannah I've known Des since he's two years old I'm very proud of you

but isn't it funny how like all your successes radio cities and everything like for like a woman in her 70s or 80s, being on the Drew Baramore show, that's the biggie. But now, what group of people are going to be impressed by the New York Times bestseller? I think you're in the NPR crowd. I think you got to go on NPR.

You need to talk to Terry Gross. I don't even know what that is. Exactly. Welcome to NPR today. I think it's time to be on fresh air. NPR. You tell me where to go. I think it's time.

Isn't Ophelia on it? Because Bill Berwin on it, but, you know, he was like too much for her. Nope. You know, he was like, well, Bill Burr has one speed. What, you, what, you, you guys still want to talk about woke, woke stuff? Like, what, are we over that already? So, yeah, so I think, I think now, I mean, what group? Look, this is the thing.

Clearly my life is trying to make people think I'm good enough. So we're just trying to conquer all the different groups until the next group doesn't think you're good enough. we have to fight them. How old do you think you'll be before you realize that the feeling of feeling like you're good enough only less about 24 hours no matter how, what you achieve?

How old do you think you'll... Mike drop. That was one of the wisest things you've ever said. That was one of the wisest things you've ever said. It's just the fact of the chronic achiever. Yes. I do think that what I've... been learning to focus on is things that bring me joy that aren't result oriented and like writing

the book was actually really fun for me and I think that's why I didn't actually care that much about the success of it it was more rewarding to see like just a girl holding the book and saying like this book brought me confidence this book got me out of a rut this book made me forget my problems yeah right let's face it you didn't really appreciate what you did until today

when you got number two but you're going to go to bed tonight dreaming of the next thing I have to do Mel Robbins no I'm going to be honest

too though the same way like success feels good for 20 seconds and you forget so does everyone else about what you did so it's like

nothing sticks and no one cares no one cares about anything we're just here's what's great about it that's a real thing it's not easy to write a book it's funny it's interesting it's not just merch it's a real thing so I am

very proud that we didn't have a ghost writer I mean it wasn't even an option I mean it could have been but like I wasn't going to have it and the book was just like organically from what Gigley Squad is the last couple years so now me and you have to write a book

about our sex life one chapter that used to be a joke years ago when we were kids this will tell you when we were kids there used to be a store like New Hyde Park at Long Island that was called the Clatter Shop and it was like an Irish store

and there was a book on the shelf the book of Irish sex and when you owe it's just blank pages but I saw that when I was like 10 years old that's so funny even at 10 I thought it was funny. That is so funny. We actually, in the Gigli Squad book, we do green flags and friendships, red flags and friendships, red flags and relationships, green flags and relationships, but that one, we open the page and it says we can't think of any.

Oh, right. Yeah, it's a, it's a trope that's well used, but has a lot of uses. It should be well used. So my question to you is now that the Mets are on this high and they're winning all these games. How are you handling the success? I've been around a long time with the Mets. I've had plenty of successful periods and I'm fine with it. We suffer and I experience the suffering and the joy in equal measure. So, listen, I really think that it's off-putting for the dialers to listen to our Mets talk, but just so people understand why I have a deep affinity with the Mets. is because I've lived away from home most of my life. And one way to hold on to flushing from a distance

was to maintain my love of the New York Mets. So to be around as much as I have been in these recent years and really be able to focus fully on the Mets, it's something deep within me. That's why I cried when Sterling Marte hit the home run because I saw how much joy it brought you. I think you brought you a lot of joy. too, actually. It did. I think you're invested. This is the one thing. One thing about me, I love an

underdog. I love an underdog, and that's why I've been enjoying the Mets. Sure. Okay. So, anyway, as you said, you need to just accept who you are. You're a MET fan. It's not about underdog anymore. We actually have the highest payroll in pace. But listen, we can't, we're going to lose the dialers. Welcome to WFAN. We're going to lose the tires. Okay, let's get into it. So today's Today's prompt is I love that it's influenced Ooh, influenced

That's a little clue By the previous episode I like when we get naturally inspired Yes This is all you here I really wanted to do an episode About de-influencing I think a lot of stuff

You go on your phone You go on TV You go to your friends They're all saying What they got What they got What's what solved All their problems

What face mask What workout class what smoothie. I want to know what you guys have bought that was not worth it. Yeah. Was the hip hook worth it? The hip hook was not worth it.

It is such a good ad. The commercial's great and I did a load of research and people did say that it helps like release your hip flexor but your iliopsoas muscle but honestly I didn't find any great use out of it. Now I haven't been able to walk for two days because I did hurt my back. Maybe I should have used it a little bit more.

Where is it? It's in West Hampton. But it's really a lot of money for a piece of metal. And I just, I can't. And also, I can't stand by the hip-poh. It feels very uncomfortable, so you're kind of like, ow. Yeah, I just, I can't, unfortunately, I can't stand by the hip-book. But message us if you find the hip-book.

I also bought the shoulder reliever, the heavy ball swinging thing. And I did find that that kind of worked. My problem is that it's just so boring that you just don't keep it up. Do you know what I think which sport is really? really good at the Chotchky selling golf. Like there's so many. Oh, there's so many contraptions. I've been pretty good at not buying them.

I bought one one time. But I did use it, but it didn't help. But I've been pretty good at avoiding all those. I do think there's something fun about buying, you get such a high buying something, think it's going to enhance your life. But look, this is a recession indicator. We're doing de-influencing on burner phone.

Yeah. All these things are going to get more expensive. tariffs hold. Apparently, we're not going to play hardball with China. So we'll see. Anyway, let's start with a controversial one. I regret buying a Roomba. I thought it would make cleaning my house easier. And the first time I turned it on, it like couldn't even find the station for the battery, which I put in clear sight and a clear pathway for it. And it literally was just like, you can't find station and then just died. And it's constantly running into things. And you can't really control what area you want it to clean. It kind of just decides to go on its own path as

it's going. And I'm just that lazy that they can't spend 20 minutes vacuuming, that they'd rather have this thing going out of control and can't even charge itself. $150. Yeah, I'm just sticking to my dice in and using that. Completely ridiculous. Yeah, it's funny. I always felt like a Rumba just wouldn't work. At first, I thought she said Zumba. I was like, oh, Zumba classes. Oh, no. Do you know what a Roomba is? Yeah, I know what a Roomba is. And then I was just thinking about how, you know, like, I robot with Will Smith, how the robots turn on you. I think it would be so funny if, like, the Roomba's turned on everyone.

Yeah, but it could happen. It's kind of like the first robot in your home that people have. Well, the Roomba's, I think we're a little too early because with AI, I think actually now Roomba's might be able to get like more intelligent. Yeah, I just see Roomba's. And then eventually, Rumbas will get lazy and be like, hey, guys, I need to bring in somebody else to do this. Rumba will become like us. Rumba will be like, why, if I'm cleaning this,

why don't you clean that? I also think that I see a lot of Rumba's on my feed because there's a lot of cat videos of cats sitting on Rumbas. Oh, really? And they like go on a journey. But hey, again, you know, if people believe in Rumbas, message us. Go in the comments on Spotify. I think it also

depends on the layout of your house. Like, I'm looking at around us and there's just too many things the Rumba would hit. I also think sometimes animals do get upset by Rumba. I don't know. I think my brother has a Roomba. Really? Which is very Daniel coded. Yeah, he's good with the technology.

He likes the tech stuff. But also, I realize now that she said, I'm going to stick with my Dyson. She's going to stick with a traditional vacuum. This is the last time that Dyson will get a positive mention on this. Somehow, don't ask me why. We had an insane amount of people. Mad at the Dyson Air app? Yes.

This is crazy, though, the Dyson Airwap changed my life. Okay, well, let's play it. Hey, I was just talking about the Dyson hair tools, and those are like, they're like $500, and I guess, like, if I'm being honest, I didn't actually buy them. It was a gift from my boyfriend, so if you are going to, just get your boyfriend to buy that for you,

and you're good. Okay, so she's just saying it was expensive. Right, okay, but there was, I really, I picked the wrong one. there was a lot of complaints about the Dyson hair wrap. Do you know what they were saying? No. Well, this is my thing.

It's way too expensive, for sure. And people say the shark is really good. So is the air wrap this thing that looks like a fat comb? It's the circular thing that I put in my hair and it twirls it. It's amazing. But I bought it. Didn't use it for months and was like, wow, another waste of. of crap. But I love it because

it makes my hair look brushed. Granted, does it stay? No. Because I don't have hair that really holds curls, but it gives it this nice flow that I feel like my wand, it wasn't giving a blowout look. So what's this thing that you have in West Hampton that's like a massive hairbrush? Oh, that's like a cheap like, it's like $25 or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because that's a way, I can't, it doesn't do anything to my hair. Yeah, I mean, that helps, like, it helps me a little, but the Dyson, I feel like is way better. I think if you, but the thing with the Dyson is you can't just know how to use it.

Like, I had to learn. Like, I had to go online and there's a certain way to make it work, but it's this, like, powerful cyclone that gets your hair to be, like, it's hard to explain. Does this is looking at me with the blankest stare. No, I'm listening. He's like, I cannot process. Sorry, I was, my face was not represented. I was really trying to imagine, in my mind, I was trying to imagine. $600 is fucking crazy.

Yeah, but it was like flat screen TV when I first came out. They were so expensive, but the price comes down. Yeah. It's just that initial. But also, you have to learn how to use it right and you have to actually use it because I didn't use it for like six months. And I was like, yeah, this is so stupid. But I like it better than my wand because the wand just bends my hair where the Dyson

and blows it out while curling it. Right. Well, can I just say, since, you know, I'll just interspersed my bad purchases. I bought an inversion table because somebody said, you know, hanging upside down was good for your back. And it never even came out of the box.

Well, I know. It's in the garage. I wanted to try it. I know. So here's the thing. When I bought it, I didn't realize it was going to be so heavy and such a humongous contraption.

Yeah. But then I realized, like, oh, it's got to support you hanging upside down. Yeah. So it's really like way more of a, and I, like, it's, it's more of a physical presence than I was expecting. Yeah. So I was like, I'm going to hurt my back opening this thing.

Like, you know, like, what's the point of getting it? I'm going to be paralyzed by just trying to open it. Also, the whole process of getting in and then flipping yourself, I feel like you could paralyze yourself. Yeah, and I look, you know, the science on it, but like a few people were like swearing by it. I think Michael Costa likes it. Yeah, like I, like, I invert every day. All right, let's go with this.

Okay. So we all know, Hannah's is probably that trampoline. How's that going, girl? Anyway, the purchase that I definitely regret buying is the electronic facial massager. That was like going viral all on TikTok and Instagram. It was all in my feed. Anyway, I bought it off Amazon and let's just say it probably lasted about three days before the battery died and I could never get it to work again or hold a charge. So maybe just go with a regular guasha. Definitely not worth a purchase, but my face did look snatched for the couple of times that I was able to use it. Anyway, yeah, don't believe all the odds you say.

Okay, bye. Do you know the item she's- I don't know if you're familiar. Like, girls' TikTok algorithms are obviously girls showing like all this plastic surgery they've got. But then there's this other side of TikTok that is telling you all these like ways to completely change your job. line by you know using mouth tape and doing these certain exercises and like and if you press this and do this every day for like it's crazy and like obviously no one's going to do that stuff and then obviously the before and afters are like not legit but it makes you think like oh if I just like blow out

of a straw for four minutes every day am I going to look like Angelina Jolie and then there's these devices that are like kind of expensive this is my thing like page got me onto it like before an event they do the like um lymphatic drainage of your face and like you do look like like a little better but like after you have one meal I feel like your face goes back to normal so what about this insane mask that happens to be right next to you right now what about this like you look like a like a Jason Voorhees a Jason Vorhe's a Jason Vorhe's this is the thing Oh, that's actually the thing? Yeah.

It's because it has, it actually does this like electrolysis, not electrolysis, but like it kind of shocks you in a way. Like there's all kinds of crap and I bought it. But there's no science behind it, right? I do think that, I don't think there's science behind it and we should probably talk about that more. But there is this concept and like. Like literally the whole cosmetics industry is, like science is their enemy. enemy and also the prices just don't make sense like something from ten dollars to like a thousand dollars of claiming to do the same thing and then you find people will be like this ten dollar

thing's actually better it's very weird and you don't know how much is in what like they'll be like oh if you if you use this um vitamin d on your skin when really you have to put i don't know it just I've never found any benefit of those stupid things you put under your eye look at men's skin You put under your eye? Oh, the eye masks. I don't think they do anything. So this is what I think. It's a little more emotional.

Like Paige loves to have like to be at home, night to herself, put on a face mask, put on a do some guasha. And it's like a self-care ritual. And it makes you feel like you did something for yourself. Right. And I love that. I'm just like. But do you think the eye things do anything? It feels good.

I definitely feel like the only thing that does kind of, actually I don't have evidence if it does anything, but I like putting an ice roller on my face sometimes. You know, like when you've been crying and you put a cold spoon on your eye, that's kind of what it's trying to do. Right, a little anti-inflammation. A little anti-inflammation. So what's going on with this mask? Okay, so this mask is. You look like Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th. It's infrared light.

Okay. That's like the new thing everyone's talking about. That certain light helps with acne. Another color light helps with wrinkles. But you don't get zits. I know. So what are you doing it for? Anti-wrinkle?

I want to fit in. Also, this one, it's a shark mask. It has these like cold eye things when you put it on that feel good. I do think things are involved routine. The only thing that I would influence people on is emergency. I've drank emergency every single day while touring, and I haven't gotten sick. Wow. All winter, I didn't get sick.

And I can prove it because I did it every single day, and that was the only thing I did. It's a big call here. Where previously I never did it, and I would get sick all the time. This is not a double-blind trial, though. But also, again, we're all individuals. What it affects, how it affects me could not affect you in the same way. when you were younger was there like a thing

that a rumor that went around about like if you eat this it could make your breast bigger I feel like I have a memory of girls having like a rumor that I feel like it was carrots but I could be wrong there was also

you know sperm on your face is good for acne no I don't mean like that I don't mean some some bullshit thing guys made up to get a blowjob I actually mean that like people thought like oh if you eat this

it'll be you know, help you. Were there any of those? I was actually asking rather than knowing. No. But there are a lot of old wives tales with like having a baby. Like people say,

oh, if this is happening, it's a girl, if this is happening. Oh, yes. Oh, loads of that. Mother's Day is coming up. What am I going to get for my mother-in-law? What is Hannah going to get for her mom?

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Yes, de-influencing. Thank you, Hannah. Oh, my gosh. The most ridiculous gift, I think, I was told that I absolutely had to have on my registry for my wedding back in 2019 was an instapot. It was going to change my life. my life. I'm sorry. An Instapot is just a crock pot on crack. Like too many buttons, too many options. You know, I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just oversimulated by it. But you can do the same thing in a crock pot if you plan ahead or even in the oven if you remember to thaw out the meat

the night before so yeah de-influencing on the instapot don't need it we were already we were already together when i bought an instapot right wasn't an instapot or a crockpot or no it was an instapot oh yeah we got somebody was like you gotta get an instant i feel like it was tar or burn yeah maybe i think but i could be wrong but somebody was like you got to get an instapot but this is the thing again everyone's different we don't even cook So, like, to also throw an instapot on was actually just more complicated for us. If you're naturally loved to cook and you, but it sounds like she, she'd prefer a crock pot. Yeah, you bought it.

And I tried to use it once and I didn't even cook to potatoes correctly. Yeah. And you. It's way more complicated than I was expected. It's very complicated. One thing that has worked, air fryer. Air fryer. Best suggestion, best, I ended up, I had my little cousin staying in my house in Dublin when I came back. she had bought an air fryer

and that was the despite all the years of hearing people going on about air fryers that was the first time I used it I was actually annoyed at myself how I hadn't added an air fryer to my life

so crock pot no or instapot no air fryer yes also I do understand that you can make like big pots of things which you enjoy like steel

yeah but I don't make them I like eating them yeah but also it's like hey now you can make stuff over 15 hours I'm sure that people that know how to use an instapot Crush it Swear by them

Yeah I do think though that they overpromise and under deliver I definitely would buy it thinking like I was Well you don't have to buy it because we own one Can I say one thing? What? I actually like cooking Okay

I actually like cooking And what is stopping you from indulging in this like? Okay like for example It's 5 o'clock right now I could theoretically go over to Trader Joe's Yes Buy some ingredients to cook us a nice Pasta tonight

Yes so what is the force that's holding you back from doing that I'm thinking about my spots at 830 Right And how I'm like I have too much going on Right Where maybe if I didn't have spots I would do it But like it's the lifestyle thing like I think because

we work at night, the dinner I can't emotionally handle. It's like when you have one thing in like 10 hours from now and you're like, I can't focus on anything else. I think honestly that it's a sad state of affairs, but because of the simplicity of Uber Eats and the incredible amount of options that we have living in New York City, it's just hard to not give in to the, by the way, very like not budgeting option but insanely convenient option also whatever i'd buy if i buy too

much you know i'm leaving in two days that's going to get wasted yeah no it's just that you it seemed that you were going to make this like bold statement but really you just talked yourself right back into the fact that we don't cook you know i like exercising too but i don't do it as much as i would like but don't forget I did cook during COVID during COVID yeah which you know the early part of our relationship which is insane

hard to believe but it's heading towards five years do you feel lied to and false advertised no no it took it took the world shutting down for you to have enough time for you to have enough time

I was full tradwife at least we know if there's a cordyceps takeover of the world that Hannah will show up. She just requires like Armageddon to get domesticated. So anyway, let's keep it. Let's keep it. Oh, here's one for Hannah. Hey, Hannah.

Hey, Dez. Big fan of you guys. Love the pod. Love Giggly Squad. Amazing book, too. but yeah so one thing that i regret buying and now refuse to buy is any expensive cat toys like i i love my cat so i'm a sucker for any like fancy electronic toy that's like supposed to keep her like not depressed like the fear mongering in these ads really gets to me um i have a

problem because i'm i have a fear that my cat's depressed but she's not she's fine um but yeah She would much rather play with, like, the $2.12 pack of, like, plastic springs that I get her. Or literally, like, a box, classic. So, yeah, don't buy those expensive cat toys. Throw a spring around. This is so true. This is so true. And we're in the middle of one at the moment.

Do you want to tell them? Butters. Butter's favorite thing at the moment. is like a reusable black shopping bag that she just lies on. She's obsessed with this bag. We wake up, she runs to the bag and sits on it. She plays on the bag. It's become the center of her life, this bag.

Yeah. The joke is people will buy these fancy toys, take them out of the box, and the cats will just be interested in the box. But also, every time we've bought, like, the fancier toys, Shamis was afraid of the robot toy The good news is that your mom's cats Like that one

They like it But then we got butter The fish that dances when you touch it And she liked that foie And then one day She got freaked out No she actually got afraid of it She got a fright

You know because I think one of us threw it out and it hit her And then she was like Oh shit this fish is like More agile than I thought Yeah So I think I think the thing

Well actually I think the thing with butter is that she likes the catnip ones. Yeah, she needs the catnip inside toys. She loves that stuff. But we've tried to put snacks in something, roll it up, and she's like, I'm not, you're not tricking me. I'm not, like, working hard to get these treats. Give me a normal treat.

Don't make me work for it. But it's, there are these amazing ads that are like, do you know that if your cat sleeps, it's depressed and lonely and needs to, and all this stuff. And then you feel like a bad cat, mom where meanwhile I almost was convinced that like you need to get your cat another cat and like butter would kill me oh well butter would kill the cat too that's not happening but but yeah it's so funny

what cats will play with they love garbage yeah and it's just amazing how much people worry about their cats being depressed these days because like pet ownership you people used to never think about that yeah like ever but they do say your cat's personality comes from your personality. Oh, really? It's funny because butter never cooks either. I have a bad take because we're de-influencing, but I'm on this funny tix-out algorithm

where I keep seeing animal communicators. It's amazing. And we had one of those instances where I got animal communicators during COVID, and they said Clyde's stomach is hurting him. And a week later, he had a son. stomach problem had to go in and then I saw an Instagram where someone said to their cat when you talk to the psychic we have to have a code word so I know she's actually talking to you

she was like say the word balloon and the woman's talking talking talking she goes and the cat likes balloons so I you lost me there for a sec who who said they did the code word the like let's say butter and I were I'm getting an animal psychic to talk talk to butter. So she will be like, well, butter says she likes this. She doesn't like this. Butter feels this way. Butter's personality is like this. So the woman said to her cat before the session, if you're going to, if this is real, make the lady say the word balloon. The woman did. Wow. So anyway, I believe it. Spend $300 for an animal communicator. But I did send you a link recently with the fake fish under the, you know,

It was like the fish in the water, like a mat for your cat. Oh, yeah. It was like a water mat. But some of these cats, they have so much fun. And then another cat would be like, this is stupid. Yeah, you just never know. You never know. All right, let's, um.

But I do, I am a fan of a cat tree on Amazon. Oh, yeah. We have plenty of cat trees. But what I really want is like something that we could build up really high. But if you're going to be, I want to build a whole freaking. Cateo. I want to turn a portion of our house into a catio. Oh, you can build a... Hire a cateo assembler. Don't tempt me.

I don't have a problem with you trying to build a cateo. I mean, some of these Instagram cateos are so cool. But they require maintenance. Do they? Of course they do. There's other animals out there. There's things that, you know... No, it's closed.

It's closed off. Basically, like, building an extra... room that just has like a bunch of ways cats can explore and have fun. It's outside though, right? Isn't that the idea? But it's closed in. No, I understand, but it requires maintenance. It's out in the elements. We're talking about her. She just came in. Hi, butter. Do you want to catty out? Go to your bag. Go to your bag.

Smell does his foot. Okay, let's go. This one just has a good name that I wrote, so I'm going to play it. Hi, Hannah. Hi, does. The thing that I absolutely regret buying is the TikTok like Koochee razor. It actually doesn't get anything like the hairs are like an inch long. I was like so excited and then I was like, you're kidding, right? So yeah.

Anyway, love you guys. Bye. I didn't know there was a TikTok Kucci razor because I always say that we need a smaller razor like for the butt crack. All right. And it's like no razor gets it and you have to get in like uncomfortable positions. to try to reach it. And like, for an Italian, like me, it's very difficult. So you know the way some of the men's, you know, like beard trimmer things, have like a nose hair one?

Have you ever tried to use that for your book crack? That's probably what I should use. I don't know, though. I've never actually attempted to shave my butt crack. It's just so funny, though, that men's shaving and women's shaving is so divided. and the technology, like, doesn't compare. It's very different. And then how women's razors are so much lighter.

Like, I would buy men's razors because I'm like... But there's nothing stopping you. I do now. But it's just weird that... Like a Gillette fusion is clearly the best blade. Yeah, why would I use a worse blade? Because it's pink. Yeah, Gillette fusion is the way to go, but they're very expensive.

Very expensive. A lot of blades, but gets the job done. But if you try to get your butt crack in the wrong angle, you just slice your butt open. Did you, did I tell you, did I tell you that I had my nose hairs waxed when I was in, at John Bishop's house? Wait, recently? So that time that I went to visit John in the UK, I had a bit of time when I got there. So I went for a haircut, a Turkish barber.

I mean, they were actually from Iraq, but they called it a Turkish barber. And he was like, do you want me to do your nose hair? And in the past, I've had like, like the fire. I've had the fire and I had threading. But I never had my nose hair whack. So suddenly he just sticks two fucking clumps up my nose with like Q-tips sticking out. I didn't even know what was going on. And then I was just sitting there with this shit up my nose.

I didn't even know what was happening. And then next thing was like, are you ready? I was like, yeah. And then he just ripped it out. Was it the most painful feeling ever? It wasn't the most painful feeling ever. It just took me by surprise. And then it was quite like, it felt quite raw for the rest of the day.

Yeah. That's insane. Well, if you... I never had that before. Have you ever tweezed one nose hair? I mean, I've had... I've been threaded. It's the most painful thing in the world.

Have you ever done threading? In your nose? The outside nose hair is not inside. I've actually never done threading. I heard it's extremely painful too. What's the fire thing? The fire thing is actually more for your ears where they just like,

they literally get a flame and they just like tap your ears and they singed the hair off your ears. Oh my God. Yeah, you've never seen that? No. Yeah, that's just some Turkish shit. It's not on my TikTok. I mean, a really good Turkish barber.

They thread your nose hairs and your eyebrow, you know, your, you're like cheekbones and shit. Then they fire your ears. Then they crack your neck. Wow. Yeah, I used to go to these Turkish barbers in Dalton Kingsland, London. And like, they were the real deal with actually Turkish Cypriots. I feel like we're influencing, not de-influencing. Sorry.

If you ever in Dolson Kingsland, I highly recommend going to the Turkish barbers there. You know, in Chinatown, there's this thing going viral of like scalp treatments. where it's, like, not that expensive, like $50, and they do this whole, like, you know, scratching your scalp and putting all these serums on it and because apparently there's buildup in your scalp. But that's another thing that... What's the buildup? Buildup of what?

We've all... Exactly. We've all lived up to this point with the way our scalps are. But scalp health is a new thing. Someone recently also told me that Seymos gel doesn't do anything. Oh, Seymour's gel came in a bit. Yeah. There was a...

Because it's kind of a fat. right now. Oh, right, yeah. And then it comes in the gummies and then the pill and then it's the whole thing. All right. I'm about to get real controversial right now. Okay. Are you ready?

I'm always ready. Um, did you ever, I can't just shake it from my mind. Have you ever seen that guy on TikTok that like makes fun of podcasters? And he always goes, can I blow your mind right now? You ever see that guy? No. He just does the sketch about some guys like, can I blow your mind right now? And then he just makes up some total fucking bullshit.

That's literally, that's my TikTok algorithm. is podcast is full of shit and then sketch people making fun of podcasts who are full of shit. Attention renters if you haven't heard of Built, B-I-L-T,

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to type A individual, and literally nothing I purchased will do that. So I wasted my money, and I never use it. Period. Love you. She's so Hannah-coded. She said iPad, right? Yeah, Paige swears by an iPad. Really?

She's an iPad kid. Really? Well, because she loves her shows. So on tour, she downloads all her shows. So, like, we get on the plane. She has her iPad. She's watching it. on the iPad. We get in the Uber. She's on her iPad in the back watching her shows. We get in the

hotel. She's on her iPad. But I'm like this girl. We're like, I don't need more screens and it's complicated and I'll lose it. I'm fighting for my life just to remember my laptop in places. There needs to be a support group for messy people because I feel like we're just fighting for our lives. I bought an iPad, I think two different times. Both times I was like, this time I'm going to figure out why I need an iPad. And both times I was like, I don't fucking need this. I think my mom will use an iPad. It's basically. like when you want something bigger than a phone

but like I like type I love sitting down with my computer and feeling like I'm like getting worked out. But I'm more than happy to watch shit on my phone. It doesn't bother me. I don't need the bigger iPad screen. I guess it's basically like for her to watch shows and where she wants.

I guess I can understand if I'm on a plane like if I'm on a long flight and I'm going to watch which I do like watching stuff on a plane but I do watch it on my phone. I guess I would prefer it on an iPad but like just, is that enough of a reason for an iPad? I don't see any other use.

I do everything else on my phone. I don't know. So I've always been anti-Ipad. I've never gotten an iPad before. And I don't see the point of an Apple Watch. Oh, yeah. Well, that's insane. I don't want to be notified.

And I don't want to have to charge my fucking watch. I told you that I think we should go back to the time where we all have flipped phones. And Cassio, digital watches? Yeah, and then we have pagers. So if something's, like, really important, you get paged. So you don't have to check your phone right time. Yeah, I mean, I'm, so apparently Ed Sheeran doesn't.

I was doing some research on Ed Sheeran, who I think I'm going to say I'm going to interview tomorrow. Yeah. You never know. You never know what these A list is. Yeah, you know, so. He has important things going on. If it turns out to not work out, you guys are getting the inside scoop and how the entertainment industry works. Sometimes things don't work out

But yeah Apparently he hasn't had a phone since 2015 Which is pretty fucking punk of him and badass So I mean You could absolutely live without an iPhone But I'm more than happy To watch stuff on my phone So just to add on to that

One thing I regret buying is AirPods Hannah Everything you said on the pod Was correct And then Paige gaslit me into buying the AirPods and now I have them and when I smile they fall out of my ears the connection issues are bad

they're bad so this thing Paige is an influencer page tries everything and she loves everything and she will influence you and I'm out here fighting in these streets de-influencing I've spoke very against AirPods yeah we're aligned but now it's because

cool kind of like flip phones that everyone wears wired headphones and Addison Ray just came out with a song two days ago called Headphones on and it's all about her with her wired headphones dancing around. Really? And there's like Instagram pages dedicated to celebrities with wired headphones and it's just

like she's that girl. Yeah because you after a run in one of your shows they gave us a gift to both of us of AirPods and I've bought I think I've bought AirPods twice in my life and both times I lost But these ones somehow

I have not lost But they do not stay in my fucking ears Yeah They're always falling out And they're never They're never charged You've narrow air canals Which

So I prefer wired headphones But I am I am gonna say something You also I wasn't there But at some stage You got another gift of AirPod Maxes And I have been using them

And I do love the AirPod Max Because it stays Well they're because they're like old school. They're like a full, they're Bluetooth, but they're full. I was just joke that I don't trust Bluetooth

that like some guy's going to come on and just be like, hello? Yeah, you're going to get like cross-wire. It's like, hello, we're trapped down here.

There's anybody out there with trap. These are aliens, just checking him. Just checking in. Is Elon Musk still there? It's because everyone keeps asking me to connect to their headphones. And I'm like, this is not seem like a good thing.

No, I'm a fan of the AirPod Max, though. Big fan. But I don't like the fact that you have to charge shit all the time. Yeah. Okay, two general things, and then we've got to go. I think everybody needs to hear this. Hi, guys. So the thing that I regret buying the most is literally like 60% of my closet.

Like, who was this girl when I bought this? thinking that I would wear it. But in reality, it's been sitting in my closet for the past five years. And not once has a bitch tried that top on since I bought it. So, I don't know. I feel like that's pretty common. But 100% regret that the most. I will say all the workout clothes I have bought, I have worn.

But any of like the cutesy shit that like, oh, yeah, I'll just find, like, a skirt or like a top to go with it later or maybe some shoes. It never happens. Literally never. Every day I want to throw out everything in my closet. I know. I just, and I'm the same. Every time I try to be bold with my purchases, I regret it.

Well, when you shop, I feel like you think I'm going to be a different person. Yeah. And then once you get it. I'm going to purchase a new me. Yes. This is who has. Man it is going to be. But then when push comes to shove,

you always pick the same black outfit that's comfortable. You're not wearing the weird, risky thing that you kind of looked okay in, that an employee said, hey, you should get that. The amount of like bold color suits that I've bought in my life that I've never worn. You know, like once I was like,

I'm going to wear a like a burgundy suit. Yeah. You know, in my mind, there was no reason why this shouldn't work. And I put it on, I was like, I'm not fucking wearing this. Yeah. And then it just sits in you. And I'd love to know an actual percentage of how much clothes people wear that's actually in their closet.

I do recommend I love a spring cleaning. I love a summer cleaning. Just going in and just like, I gave my cousin so many clothes the other week or donating the clothes. It's just, it's crazy how many things that I've bought thinking that I'm going to change who I am. One thing that helps me with that is kind of what I'm working on with like plans. it's like you know how you say yes to something and you're like yeah I wouldn't want to go tonight but I'll want to go in two weeks in vision it's like do you want to wear this tonight and if you're not going to wear it tonight you're not going to want to wear it in two weeks because it's Friday night

because it's Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday do you know a song was that the one that went viral Rebecca Black who's now like a like legit pop singer really but there was also a famous Friday night X-Factor audition because it's Friday night so anyway what I will say there is nothing

I've never lost as much weight as I have since January in my lifetime but I can tell you that over the last number of years I was unable to wear almost all my clothes

due to putting on too much weight I'm a bit of a stealth weight gainer so not a lot of people actually noticed but I went up at least one size in all my suits so I had a closet full of clothes that didn't fit me and I've lost over 30 pounds and the satisfaction of being able to put on all those suits again I literally feel like I went on like a $5,000 shopping spree

did you buy new stuff to fit you? Yes and now none of that fits but I don't care because I didn't spend a lot of money on those clothes I bought cheap ones because I did not accept that this was going to be I was not going to be that guy but weight gain is a funny thing

I didn't realize how much weight you put on in your arms like there was just parts of my body I was like how the fuck does this not fit yeah but now they will fit again but weight fluctuation and clothes is difficult because a lot of the time you you lie to yourself and you're like no like I'm not bigger

and then you're like okay just get clothes that fit you You just have to accept it. But then you feel bad because you're like, if I just didn't gain weight or lose weight, I could have not had to buy all these new clothes. Then you have all these outfits that you're not sure fit you. It's complicated. Like the suit, I bought a cheap suit in Coles for your Netflix launch party. Like literally on my way in from West Hampton that day.

And it was like just a very quick and sort of like frivolous purchase. And I tried that on the other day. Like it's literally like like jokey big on my waist Wow So but thank God it was only a cheap coal suit So the last This is more like a general thing This is a PSA

Okay so I have a trick that helps me Avoid doing things like this Where if you go to Target or home goods Or somewhere where you don't really have an end goal in mind Those are very dangerous places So do not get a cart do not get a basket, what you're going to do is you're going to make yourself hold on to anything you think you want because I guarantee the longer you hold it, the longer you're going

to think about if you actually want it or not. And nine times out of ten, I put things down after I have circled the entire store because I'm like, do you really need this? No. And I'm tired of holding it. So there's my tip. Happy day. This is great advice. Really great advice. Really great advice. Ikea, home goods, any of those. places where even Costco, to be honest with you. Why does this remind me of like when you're about to go on a date with a guy and you don't want to hook up

with him so you don't shave? What? You don't know girls do that? No, I know girls do that. But then they always regret it because then they're like, okay, I guess I'm getting fucked with Harry. I guess I'm getting fucked with some pubic game. That's me at the store. Like, I guess we're checking out me

holding 200 things in my arms. I got some strong hands. So, yeah, no, but I think it's good advice because home goods, and I find, I find, like, Dick's sporting goods. Yeah. Like, there's just certain stores. You forget what you throw in there, so you're, like, not even factoring it in. The funniest thing is, though, when you get to the front and you're putting this stuff

in front of you and you're like, yeah, we don't need that. No, we don't need that. That'll happen to me, like, at Zara, I'll be holding, like, 10 things. And then in the line, I'll be, like, going through it in my head. Like, is that worth it? Is that really worth $50? Yeah, like place mats. I feel like things like place mats and like oven mitts.

But I do like going off in the line, like urban outfiters, they have, they get me. At the end. Yeah, when they have all the cute shit. All the shit. Because little things are cute and I want to hold it. Yeah, I need this cat notepad. I do think, I try to think about it as like a... Sox though.

Sox. Yeah. Socks, I never regret buying socks. I try to think of your life as a business where instead of buying. like a lot of different things just buy the things that you know you use if you have like one

if you love aquifer and that's the one thing you grab every day invest in aquafore yeah stick don't try to go rogue do what you normally do you know every time I get a stylist

they're always like trying to put me on like other colors and I'm just like I've been alive a long time let's just admit it I look better in these like three colors stop fucking you know you better than anything

you know you better than the marketing video that's telling you they know you better than you. Yeah. Even though the algorithm does know you pretty well. Yeah, they don't know. They definitely do. They know your deepest insecurities. Well, I've been getting a lot of furniture lately.

Oh. You know? A lot of furniture influencing on TikTok. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. So they definitely know us. But don't give in.

I honestly, I find a lot of the Instagram stuff not worth it. like looks great, but overpriced for what you get. For sure. Do your research before you buy stuff. Yes, although that can be torture too. You get stuck in a hole and then you can't make up your mind. Yeah. It used to be, when we were kids, my mother would go to Fortune Off.

Fortune Off. Consumer reports. No, no, you would just go to Fortune Off and you'd buy something that you're fucking looking at. Mm-hmm. You know? Well, nowadays, yeah, you have to get on a Reddit thread with all these people. Well, I bought a fucking iPhone 16 Pro. I think because I read a lot of fucking reports

and it seemed like I was going to prefer the smaller one not the pro max and then I got it I was like no I was wrong and I went to the store today to fucking exchange it and then I had to call because I ordered it online but anyway my point is that it was the first phone that I ever bought where I wasn't in the store and had I been in the store I would have fucking felt it and I would have bought the right one and now you had to deal with all the

yeah I just changes returns I miss going to the store a lot anyway that's it guys Guys, I'm going to be in Connecticut, Ridgefield, Connecticut. There's a couple tickets left. I added another show. Oh, nice.

What about you? Well, I'm going to be in New Jersey, but I, that's if this comes out on Saturday, which we're definitely ahead of schedule. But if you're listening to this on Saturday afternoon, I'm in New Brunswick, New Jersey at the Stress Factory, which sounds like the house I grew up in. And then I'm in Phoenix. You'll definitely hear this before Phoenix, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, it in the Desert Ridge Improv. So go and check that out. And I'm doing some like morning radio there

on Thursday morning. So if you're in the Phoenix area and you want to listen to me on some traditional media, I will be on some radio station in Phoenix. I'll post about that on my Instagram. Thanks for being here. Thanks for the Spotify comments. We're loving them. Do like and subscribe and all that stuff. We haven't really been asking enough of that in recent times. Spread the word about burn a phone. One of one of our co-hosts. is a New York Times bestseller. So we'll see you guys. We'll talk to you guys next week.

Hey, Han and Des, I am part of the 1% of your male listeners. Love the podcast. Really miss Burning in hell because Hannah asked, the best questions to all of her guests. Anyway, the thing that I regret buying and will never buy again is one of those service warranties and parts warranties for a vehicle. Complete waste of my time and money. When my vehicle did break down, it was on a Friday, so I could not get it fixed anywhere.

I was in the middle of California, in the middle of all the farmland. Several hundreds of dollars later, finally got back on the road with a replacement. waste fuel pump. Absolute waste of time buying that whole thing. It never did anything for me. All it is is a moneymaker for the auto dealerships. Complete scam, as far as I'm concerned. I will absolutely never, ever, ever buy one of those things again.

Thanks a lot, guys. So I bought this cellulate. Get rid of gel for your legs. And I put it on one time. and had sex immediately after like an idiot. And it burned so bad. I'll don't suggest it. The guy was pretty pissed too.

Oh, the guy was actually my husband. I've only used to that one time. And it's still sitting in my cabinet, just hanging out there. I'd wanted perfect legs. And I just, you know, bought magical, mystical garbage. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Love the podcast. And great prompt. So one thing I really regret buying was Christian Lubiton Socate Pumps. They're 4.72 inches. So it's just under five inches tall. So if you want to look like a baby giraffe that's like learning to walk for the first time, I would definitely buy them. If not, I'd probably pass. So bought them in 2015 and never worn them once. Still in the box. So if you know anyone that's looking to purchase a pair of very uncomfortable shoes. Hate a girl up.

All right, love you. Bye. The better than sex mascara has got to be one of the biggest marketing scans I've ever been influenced by. There is nothing about that mascara

that's better than sex. It is pretty accurate, though. It lasts two minutes and then slides down your face. Anyway, don't get it. Just get drugstore mascara. Okay. Something that I regret buying recently is one of those little steper machines. Everyone's seen them on TikTok. I know y'all know what I'm talking about. But it's like the caption on the video is the girl saying like, you know, three months till summer, get your summer bad. Yeah, I bought one of those things about a month ago and have used it twice. something that I definitely don't need, but I've fallen for time and time again, is all of

these different supplements. I'm making a full cocktail at five in the morning of what? I don't even know. We've got athletic greens. We've got stress relief. We've got pre-workout. We've got creatine. We've got metabolic balance. I don't even know what that is, but I keep taking it because I paid for it and I'm on a monthly subscription. My husband's like, what even is? What does that do? I'm like, I don't know. There must have been a good ad because I have no idea. Doing all of this time and time again, spending way too much money. And for what? To look average still and feel average and have an average amount of energy every day? And less money in my bank account, honestly. Hey, burner. Long time listener, first time caller. Okay, setting the scene

for de-influencing. Maybe the first version of it ever. I was targeted by Saturday morning cartoons to get the coolest thing I'd ever seen, a Tamagotchi. I had just gotten a fresh 20 from a birthday card envelope and asked my mom if we could go to the store. I bought a Tamagotchi for myself and instantly got buyers regret because you had to stay up all hours of the night feeding this thing, making sure it did. didn't die. Picking up its electronic poop. What was that about? And that is when I realized I didn't want to be a mother. Love you.