Berner Phone - Berner Phone #9: Your Most Petty Moments

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

The little dialers have committed some petty acts against exes, coworkers, neighbors, siblings, and spouses. Hannah and Des are here to justify your most petty moments.

If you want to feel more connected to humanity and a little less alone, listen to Beautiful Anonymous. Each week, I take a phone call from one random anonymous human being. There's over 400 episodes in our back catalog. You get to feel connected to all these different people, all over the world. Recent episodes include one where a lady survived a murder attempt by her own son. But then the week before that, we just talked about Star Trek. It can be anything.

It's unpredictable. It's raw. It's real. Get Beautiful Anonymous wherever you listen to podcasts. Hi, it's Hannah Berner And Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone If you leave a message after the tone

We may have to make it into a podcast What's up? Ballers shot callers I think that was like a DJ Callet reference I don't know Yeah, I think so too But I don't know the lines I'm not gonna wrap every week

People loved the rap last week I mean, I don't know. I think you love the rap. I didn't get any feedback on the rap, just so you know. Okay, neither did I. But I liked that. So today's question was, what is the pettiest thing you've ever done? Now, Des, how would you define petty?

Oh, I, I mean, I don't know how I would define it specifically when put on the spot. I would say perhaps taking a sort of a secret retribution on something that perhaps doesn't shouldn't bring up the level of animus that you put into your retribution. Maybe. Oh, smart. Maybe, I don't know, you know. I don't know exactly what you're going to look up the definition of petty. Look, I'm a scholar.

If you describe someone's behavior as petty, you mean that they care too much about small, unimportant things and perhaps that they are unnecessarily unkind. Okay, Chris, coming in. Coming in, the voice of God. Give this motherfucker a raise. Finally, I always wanted like a producer. What's the Rogan guy's name? Jamie.

You just jamied us. The goat. For your people, he's like the king, right? Oh, yeah. We bow down. We bowed to the God. Great, powerful Jamie is this. See, I actually think that I'm very petty in my head, but I

don't actually do petty things because I'm like an all or nothing. Like, I either fuck with you or like, I'll never talk to you again. I'm not going to like fuck around being petty with stuff because I feel like being petty sometimes is like, carmically can bite you in the butt later. And I always say, like, just don't play in the mud with pigs. Once you get out, just stay out of it. But be petty with your friends. I'm fucking petty with my friends.

Well, here's the thing about karma. Okay? First of all, it's bullshit. and number two, if karma's real, sometimes your petty response is the karma that that motherfucker deserved. See, Chris, do not agree with him. Do not, like, come together as men against me. Chris will come in every now and then. He's not, he's not a real, don't create.

I just don't want you guys a form an alliance. I don't like that power dynamic. There's no alliance. I'm just saying that, like, karma, there's no, there's no, there's no, carmic rules, you know, it's like you put it out there into the universe. But, like, maybe your petty response is the karma. Well, I would argue, like, because people have said to me, like, should I do this? Should I do that? And I said, look, you've got to trust that the universe has a much better carmic plan for people that have hurt you than whatever you are trying to put on to them. Like, it's going to be way more creative and beautiful. And, like, as a Sicilian, let it take time. Okay, the best revenge is serve cold. Let them wait. Let them think they got away with it. And shit will hit them. And obviously, like, karma, woo, woo, it's more like just energies. Like, if you put back, stuff into the world. Bad stuff comes back and I truly believe that. I understand. Now, what I was

going to say is, uh, because we were both discussing right before we went on air, uh, are we going to talk about petty things that we did? Now, as it turns out, there's a certain level of anonymity that is required to share the level of pettiness that the little dialers have, have called in with. And it was, some of it was unusable. This was like, we got some illegal shit. Yeah, like, Some of it was literally illegal, right? But obviously, some people felt safe sharing it because, I mean, maybe some people they know would recognize their voice. But in general, there's a level of anonymity that comes with sharing this dark secret that you've held on to of this shit that you did to other people. Now, I have done petty shit, but I'm not going to share it because people are going to know it's me sharing the petty shit that I've done.

And I also just want to call you out because you have just spoken like some sort of like, you know, spiritual advisor there, like, Like, fucking Deepak Chopra of fucking female podcasting. But I know that you've done petty shit. And I would never want you to share it. And I'm not saying you did anything wrong. We can all be petty sometimes. Wait, what have I done? I'm not sharing it.

Off air. No. What have I done? That's petty. Okay, I have to putty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do petty stuff if I think it's like really funny. Okay.

Because then it's like a joke that happens to be petty. yeah i mean that that's fine it's still petty i mean it doesn't i mean you can frame it but but i'm not judging you for being petty i'm just calling you out after your you know your universal energy moment but it's it's very human to be petty and this is a celebration of pettiness let's we're not being petty about petty here yeah this is a safe space to be petty petty that is i like when you take it to like help yourself empower yourself and now i'm realizing a huge part of my career is pettiness. Yeah, I mean, it didn't take five minutes for Hannah's spiritual veneer to break down. I just realized Giggly Squad, the entire title. Literally.

Is an act of pettiness. But like when it's funny and when it helps you, it should never, I don't like to hurt people through pettiness, but if you can then take it, make it funny for yourself, that's good. I think ultimately wishing bad on other people is not good. But being petty to make yourself laugh about things that might have been painful is actually quite powerful. Yeah. And, you know, especially ones that can remain secret, nobody gets hurt, and then it's your little thing. Yes. And we got some great, we got some great shares about it. Before we go to the, before we go to the messages, do you have anything you need to plug? Oh, I'm trying to, I have a show in Hanover, Maryland. I think that's near Baltimore. It's at this casino. It's going to be

lit. I also just announced Reno and another show in Madison, Wisconsin, and there's a lot more shows in my website. I added shows in Ireland for my work in progress shows, but they're also sold out. But I do have some shows in Tempe, Arizona, as we said last week, and also in Las Vegas in January, so you really should go check that. I love to see some dialers there. And also, the dialers have just been amazing. We've been reading all your DMs, and the messages are getting better and better every week. You guys are the fucking best. Yeah, this one was, I mean, I you know because just just for the record I go I'm the one that goes through the messages and man there was some fucking heavy there was some heavy shit I feel like we should put them sometimes and just change the voice to protect the person I definitely want to do that okay I want to do that in the future yeah but it wasn't like if we do a secrets episode I think we'll be like hey we'll manipulate all the voices so it's like those murder documentaries where I'm like I saw him not me where they're like I saw him around the corner and then he came to my player.

I saw him around the corner and then I came to my mom. Any other fake voices you want to do? I saw him around the corner. Okay, I'm just enjoying talking to the mic too much. Yeah, we talked about that before that we would do like a disguise the voice. But the one, these did not require voice disguise.

These, these petties. Because at the end of the day, the pettiest thing, we didn't want it to be heavy, you know? Like I, we didn't say, what was the most vindictive thing you've ever done? I feel like vindictive is a, is more aggressive? I think I'll be petty where, like, someone will do something to me

and I'll just, like, never speak to them again for the rest of their lives. Yeah. That's pretty petty. That's pretty petty. It's petty. That's straight out of the petty handbook. Yeah. But I'm not going to, like, pee on their toothbrush, but, like, I just, you won't have access

to me ever again. And people will be like, what, because they lied once to you. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why would I talk to you for you to lie to me again? I mean, listen, you're born again petty. I mean, you went from saying

I'm not petty at all to being like the petty preacher. Literally, the petty is... Petty preacher. Petty and pink. Yes. It's actually salmon, but you're straight man. That's an 80s, Molly Ringwald reference.

I actually know that movie. For all my Gen X out there. Sixteen candles. Gen X. Represent John Hughes. Questionable. Okay, don't keep going. You got one reference that I knew.

Let's not... Anyway. No, you mentioned another movie by the same director. Oh, okay. Sorry. I didn't know I did that. So, Chris, let's go to the videotape, which is another 80s reference that I don't think anybody's getting. Play the tapes.

Warner Wolf. Let's go to the videotape. Dial in. Hi, Hannah and Des. I'm... This is Karen in Dublin. The pettiest thing I ever did was a girl that I worked with in the cash office and in my old job in retail. She pissed me off one day and I went into the office where her book that she was reading, The Hunger Games was. Hunger.

And I ripped out the last. two pages so she couldn't get to the end and not a perfect crime but I felt pretty powerful after I love you both sounds like a perfect crime please come to Ireland Hannah I'd love to see you on page oh my god we will be going to Ireland it's the Dublin accent what a beautiful I love the Dublin accent Dublin yeah good for that was beautiful and that was a perfect crime do not I love that's just so succinct because you can't like Google it and like find the ending that is so good Yeah, she would have had to buy an e-book or go back and buy the last two pages. Wow, that's amazing.

To find out what Katness did. That is amazing. Yeah, I don't know what to add to that other than that is just an awesome, you know, that's just an awesome, that's an awesome bit of pettiness. It's like, it's like the perfect, uh, it's the perfect. Some of the people are so creative. Yeah, like they really, she understood the assignment to use the, to use the, to use the, the jargon of your generation. She understood the assignment. I do think that I really love how creative this is

because I feel like, sorry, I'm trying to process my own pettiness throughout this and making it about myself, but I feel like... Well, it wouldn't matter to you. You never finish the series anyway. Exactly, so I'd be like, thank God I don't have to finish the end. But I also think when I'm petty, I'm more like, I won't do creative things, but like if anyone ever comes up to me

and it's like, oh, like, do you know these people? I will always tell the truth. Like, I will never, like, I'll always be petty and be like, yeah, this is what they did. like I'll never be like I don't feel I'm just gonna not I will be out there in these streets yeah petty and private diplomatic and public that's what I say yes that's my catchphrase man wait I never heard you say that no I just made it up but it's my new catchphrase it's my new catchphrase in fact fuck of all people I'm calling my special petty and private diplomatic and public no for real like I will I'll have like something really important I will cancel that meeting in order to explain to you something you need to know about something in private Yeah, some shit people need to know. And then hopefully they go public with it.

Yeah, but I'm not. I'm not going. They didn't come from me, motherfucker. We're so evil. That's Patty, man. All right, let's go to another one. Hey, Hannah and Des, Gen Ziegler and Dialer here, which I know you guys think is so rare. But I'm like your biggest fan.

I love both pods. The prettiest thing I ever did, and I actually still do to this day, is that I had this really, really horrible X from high school. really, I just don't know what I was thinking. And to this day, if a guy asked me for my number and I don't want to give it to him, I give them his number. Yes. And all I can hope in the way is that he's getting random texts every so often from guys asking if he's up or asking if he wants to hang. And I really hope that it eats away at his soul. That is, okay, I've heard this before and that is so iconic because not only will he be getting random texts from creepy, not even creepy

dues, but just, honestly, yeah, the creepy ones that you're not interested in that are like, but then they're also asking for your ex-girlfriend like is this step are you around like it was really nice meeting you step are you you were really pretty like that's the kind of text he's getting yeah i think it's great because it's so fucking embarrassing too when her ex uh gets a text from some dude being like it's also hey you want to meet up it's so good because it's actually a double a double threat because not only are you petty with this annoying guy who you're not interested to who's like pressing to get your number because so many times like you get pressured to like you just feel weird if you don't give him your number and I'll just change the last

digit sometimes but in my head I'm like I wish I could give him something funny one of my friends had like a there was like a generic number you could give people that if they called it it would be like hi thanks for calling so and so she's not fucking interested leave her alone like it had like a voicemail that said that like there were generic numbers you could give guys oh right okay yeah but giving them your ex's number is so fucking good but but but giving them your ex's number is so fucking good But again, well, what would be even better is if somehow she became friends with her ex again and she could show the screenshots of like the funny chats that he had from the random messages. No, we don't want to be friends with her exes.

Because you know that her ex has gotten some dickpicks. You know, her ex has gotten a dickpick from the ass off she gave her number two. Someone did something petty to me. Someone at the University of Wisconsin put my number on the back of, one of these like wooden chairs in a huge like seminar hall and it just says call me heart and my number for a good time yeah call me for a good time and I started getting just like tons of random texts like and you don't know so it'll be like yo like and it's like a Wisconsin number and I think I was like it was at the end of college so I'd be like who is this and they'd be like um

I heard you're cute or something and I got like at least like 30 texts like that yeah that's like bathroom wall is the old Back in the day The bathroom wall was the Reddit You know Was the Twitter troll I think it was one of my friends though Like it wasn't an enemy

But it was like somebody thought it But they never outed They never said who it was No But I also like Then I started to be like Oh that's one of those texts And I would laugh and tell someone the story

I think I saw the seed at one point And I like crusted off Reddit is just the bathroom wall on steroids Like that's what I always found It was like When you when you sat down in a bathroom back in the day and you looked at all this horrible shit that people would write

stupid arguments, you know, and you would be like, what is wrong with humans? And then we decided to take that and make it the main way that we interact with each other. It is literally the bathroom stall wall. That's so funny because someone will be like... The thing is that that's now mainstream.

Someone will be like, women are the best and then cuts it out and it's like, women suck. And then someone cuts it out and they're like, suck my dick. And then someone's like, your dick is small. And then they cut it And it goes on it. That's literally a Reddit thread. Literally. It's a fucking, it's like drawing, like our world, our human, modern discourse is drawing

penises on a fucking tile. Dictation. Yeah. Hello, party people. So, generally not a petty person. Sam. Same. A lot of people think that at the beginning.

We've learned that. My ex-husband brought out a little petty in me. So, petty's thing that I've done is when I moved out of our house, he was, his Netflix was still on the TV that I took with me. Love. So every couple days, I would get on his account and start the movie, Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey, and play it for just long enough so that it would always be the number one and the continue watching.

Oh, my God. And then I would also just go onto his shows or movies and either restart them or get him to a new spot because, you know what? Life should not be easy after divorce, especially when you suck as a person. And so that is the pettiest thing I've done. Thanks. Let's go. See, that's notch because it's truly creative.

It's unique. She did an A plus on the petting report. Peak petty. Also, with the Netflix stuff, if you just watch, like, random shit, it really does fuck up his algorithm. So he'll go on Netflix and he'll recommend stuff that, like, he's not interested in, which is, you know, truly the worst thing that could happen to you. Yeah, I mean, like, the liar-lier-the-thing is hilarious.

Like, it's almost too good. Like, I question if it's just not a bit, but it's a fucking good bit. It's really funny. And I don't doubt her because it really did make me laugh, so much so that I was actually laughing again, remembering that this one was coming. Because, like, it's so good. People do fuck with people's out. Like, that is a thing. Like, people joke about, like, watching weird shit.

It's like if you took my phone and just, like, you know, like, I'm not like a big soccer fan. And you just were like, soccer, messy, Cristiano Ronaldo. And then I go on TikTok's, like, all soccer stuff. I'd be like, why is life worth living? Yeah. Although TikTok thinks I'm really into seeing tsunami footage, which actually, they were right. But I didn't look for it, though.

It just came my way. But I'm really, I'm into it, actually. But you know what makes it? The thing about the algorithm that I always think is really good. It's like, people are always like, fucking, the algorithm doesn't fucking know me. And then eventually you're like, God damn it, the fucking algorithm does know me. The best is, yeah, stuff that you haven't looked at that they're like, we think you'll like this.

And I'm like, I didn't even know I didn't even know I like that. But you know what the other problem is, though, is like, A lot of times I want to see what some of these, like, lunatics like Charlie Kirk are saying. And so I'll watch. And then they start to think that I'm like a Charlie Kirk fan. Yeah. So the problem with the algorithm is they, the algorithm needs to know, are you watching or hate watching? Also, I was joking.

Like when you watch your significant others TikTok, it's fascinating because you're like, you kind of gets, it's like going through their phone. You're like, I'm going to see who this person really is. And I remember you were scrolling and I was like, if it's just a ton of like big titted girls, like I swear to God. And then none of it came up except for chiropractor videos. And I was like, I was in, I was in my chiropractor era. But I was like, part of me was like, is he straight? Like what's happening? Part of me was like at least one tit.

Nah, I mean, the chiropractor, what makes me laugh is every single one of these chiropractors does the exact same thing to all these people. And then they'll go like, and then they'll look up at the camera like, whoa, that was a good one. It's like sounds exactly like the hundred other people you fucking cracked Charlton. This episode should be Pettyness and calling out Charlottons. But also... Because I do like the crack.

And I honestly, I got obsessed with this one guy. It's like, oh, another hot girl in yoga pants getting cracked. What's going on with this guy? How many hot girls in yoga pants does this guy need to crack and act like he's a skilled? How many 21-year-old girls actually have lower back pain? Yeah, exactly. Do me a favor. Are you causing them lower back pain?

Anyway, great. What else can you do? Oh, yeah. Because I think I made a joke once, but I feel like a lot of people at the time were making, like, Netflix algorithm jokes, but I was making a joke. Like, if you're living with your friend

and you know that he has like a first Netflix and chill date, not a first date, but like first time that she's coming back, you should deliberately watch as many, like, Hitler docs as possible so that when they open up Netflix, it's just like, you know, Hitler docs, World War I. And she'd be like, oh, my God, who am I with here?

How to get away with murder is just... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, all right. let's hit another that was a solid it was like a standalone solid deslux judging the quality of all of them hi hannah my name's joey i'm from philly big fan um my most petty thing i've ever done i actually love telling the story and i haven't gotten to tell a while so my best friend we've known each other since we were three and four years old

um when we were in our late teens early 20s she broke up with her boyfriend who she was with for like four years because he was like cheating on her behind her back like talking to other girls. It was like this whole thing. It was like this pattern of his that we figured out. We found that he did this to like so many girls in the past, like sisters of people that we knew. Anyway, he was a scumbag. And so me and our other friend went to the grocery store and we went down every checkout aisle and through like the magazine newspaper aisle. And we took all of the inserts out of every single magazine you could think. I'm talking about knitting, home and garden, like every like every magazine you could think of. And we signed him up for like a hundred magazine

subscriptions and I think he finally found out it was us but he did get a lot of magazines that he did not want he ran out of time now obviously there there was a lot of these right the reason why I picked this one is first of all it was quite nostalgic

to think about the magazine aisle and how annoying were the inserts like how many times it did like and then there's fucking internet and why you always put it back in no you had to like protect it at all costs It's like, you know, sometimes... Also, they didn't even try to keep it in.

Like, why didn't it stay in? I know, but I always put it back in. When I think of it now, like, why am I so stupid? It's the same with, like, do you know, you know when you get like spreadable butter and the peel back thing? You could just fucking rip that foil off and throw it out first time. But for some reason, you have to peel it half back and then becomes disgusting. And you know, I could have thrown this out at the beginning.

But you don't. I mean, the amount of trees that died for this... For this guy's petty. is I think it's worth it for a scumbag. It's similar to the email one, but it's like the Gen X version, old school. But I also love it because as someone who hates admin, like I would never even, if magazines were coming, I'd never even know how to begin to get them to stop arriving. Like how do I get the knitting mag to stop arriving at my door?

How do you stop National Geographic coming? I feel like when you sign up to National Geographic, you're signed up for life. I know that I loved my mom got Victoria's Secret though, and like we would like pick out all the outfits. Oh, yeah. We know you liked Victoria's Secret. No, honestly, I was a consumer's catalog guy. Shout out, Gen X again. Oh, consumer reports?

No, consumers. It's gone. It's been gone a long time. When I was in my Guido era, when I was in the late 80s, early 90s, Guido era, I used to get the consumers catalog and go straight to the gold chains and rings. I remember I bought a black. So you're in the mafia. Black Onyx. You know, gold ring with black onics.

With whose money? My parents, I was 13 years old. But I was like, Mom, you know, for a for a, for a. I was like, Mom, I want the, I want a gold chain. I feel like nowadays it's so easy for kids to just go on their parents' Amazon account and, like, order everything. Yeah, but that's what consumers was like. But consumers was like, you had the catalog, then you got the catalog number, then you

had to go to consumers. Yes, my mom would call to order Victoria's Secret. She'd be like, B7, 6, 5, 8, 92. Also, I still read magazines at airports. Like, it's very nostalgic for me. Me too. I always get the economist at the airport. I get the Cosmo magazine, and then I, like, it's, like, naughty.

So you go to the one page that's like, how to give a blowjob? And I'm like, just refreshing. And then it always makes no fucking sense. And they're like, we got a new technique where you got to, you know. Yeah, we've only been writing this shit for 40 years. Men actually only want this. And that's the only way for him to like you. Cosmo.

Cosmo used to be the problem. We've moved on from that on to other bloggers. Oh, my God. So anyway, and there was a lot of that. I kind of, I just liked his. I thought he gave a good presentation. So I love it because it had a good pettiness has humor. an annoying aspect to it.

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order site-wide with code burn, B-E-R-N at Oseaamalibu.com. Head to O-S-E-A-Malibu.com and use code Burn, B-E-R-N for 10% off. Chris? Hey, booze. Hi, baby. Okay, I'm going to start by saying I am truly not a grudge person. But my husband and I have been together for about 12 years. And almost exactly 10 years ago, and I know this because the anniversary was just the other day,

he watched the freaking series finale of Breaking Bad Without Me. And to top it all off, I introduced. him to the show, right? So he watches it without me, and then it got freaking spoiled for me before I was able to watch it. So every year on the anniversary, I remind him and I tell him that I still have not forgotten. And it's just a small jester, but I need him to know that I don't forgive him. I'm moving on, but I do not forgive. Yeah, so the other day was the 10-year anniversary.

She goes, I'm not forgetting and I'm not forgiving. No, because like the, oh wow, she's still, the, the, the breaking bad final episode was, I can't believe it was the 10 year, it was the 10 year anniversary of the final, is that what she was saying? It's a 10 year anniversary of the final episode. So, I mean, the thing is that that's a thing that you're always going to get reminded of, you know? Yeah, like just when you think about it, what a great husband you have, you go, except he did the one thing that was so sinister and so disrespectful. But we were trying to, the reason I thought, I thought.

this was good because we were trying to write a bit about Netflix cheating. At one stage, I had a bit about, like, you know, when you watch the episode and then you put it back, like, as if it hasn't been watched, and then they come home and you try to watch, but there's, like, sometimes you get caught that you had watched. Yeah, I think we have to still make that video. That would be so funny. I mean, I talked about on Giggly Squad, and people actually agreed with me. For some reason, I don't like watching the last episode of things.

Like, if I don't think it was good, I, like, don't care to finish it. Like, Game of Thrones, I never finished. I understand. But Breaking Bed wasn't a letdown. Yeah. Game of Thrones was a letdown. That's crazy. So you're saving yourself.

Because, you know, I have a joke in my show about my mom dying, which was right after she died, they started the promo for the final season, the Game of Thrones. And it was killed me. Like, I was genuinely sad because she loved Game of Thrones. She was never going to see the final season. But then I joked that. It's funny. A couple of months later, I was like, that lucky bitch didn't fucking have to live long enough

to be let down by this bullshit. I mean, it was one of the worst endings in the history of television. She died with hope. She died thinking that Game of Thrones was awesome, right? She never got let down, you know? She never got let down. I started watching Game of Thrones from, like, season five, and it was, like, all dramatic, and then I had to watch from the beginning while season five was going.

It was so confusing, and honestly, it took too much, like, mental. Yeah, but listen, I love Game of Thrones guy, but the ending was a letdown. But another series that you didn't finish, Breaking Bad, was a cracker, and I think that it's unacceptable what what he did oh for sure i do like when your significant other actually like really does fuck up and you say like i'm not going to divorce you i'm not going to break up with you but i will torture you for the rest of your life knowing that you did this like never let them live it down but i i will say that i don't have the patience to stick with a to to watch a series at your pace you you you can you can easily get

distracted and just kind of like let a series go. I think I either watch it all in one day or like I'll never finish it. Yeah. So there have been a few like succession. I just, I took off on a solo run. But we had a, you asked for consent. Oh yeah, I did. I, I always ask for consent. You're like, are you okay? We were polyamorous with succession. Yeah. Yeah. I had, I had permission to go off on my own and enjoy succession without you. But like to watch it and then that's that's like evil. I mean, I've done it. I've done it and you haven't known. but I've, I've sat with you, and I don't know what show we were watching, but I, is it hijack? No, you, you, you, excuse me, you hijacked, hijack.

I did. You took off on hijack. I think it's like you can watch it, but at least, like, enjoy it with the partner also. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I always watch. Because some shows I actually just enjoy with you. I don't want to watch it on my own. Yeah, like the wire, but we don't have to go down a whole wide thing.

Anyway, great, great, I, I, Netflix cheating is the thing. and this guy cheated and it's unacceptable. Yep. Okay, Hannah does. I really don't know what happened with the first recording, so please listen to this one as well. But basically, my name is Hannah.

I'm from Charlotte, North Carolina, and I just wanted to say the pettiest thing that I've ever done. We used to have the shittiest neighbors while I was growing up, like, in high school and stuff, and they basically just called the cops on us for everything. They literally, like, called, like, the city to give us parking tickets

because of the way we were parking in our coldest, like, I mean, just trying to cause issues. So basically, we realized that they were getting married. So we went to their Facebook and found their wedding registry and marked, like, all of their gifts, a lot of their gifts as bought. And we looked up like their friend's names on Facebook. So it looked like they were legit, like, people. Probably bad karma, but they were so horrible that I just literally couldn't. I was just like, how can I fuck them up so, so much?

Like, oh, because, like, my sister literally got into, like, yelling fights. Wait, Chris, why were you nodding? Were you the neighbor? Or did something happen? No, this is just, like, typical suburban shit, I feel like. Because we're city kids. Like, I'm like, oh, uh-uh. I kept this in because we had a neighbor that called the cops on us.

And we had a neighbor that always complained because, you know, back then we, we could play two-hand touch and baseball on the street. Yeah. And he was like, he was old. You know, his son, his son was like a lot of, his son was like 10, 15 years older than us. So his son was like a man, right? And he was an older man.

And he just like, I guess the sound of us having fun would drive him crazy. I mean, as I'm older, I sympathize with him. There's nothing to laugh about. Yeah, Mr. Benari, Goddress. I mean, he's dead now. I guess in the end, he wasn't the worst guy, but he called the cops on us a lot.

It's fucked up when these neighbors, like, fuck with your fun. Yeah, it's funny because growing up, in Park Slope we have these brownstones like no one can hear each other through the brownstones and it's like we barely even knew. I mean you knew them but like they didn't fuck with you.

But this guy was across the street. So like we would play you know we play sports on the street like between 47th Avenue on 47th Avenue between 18th and 189th Street and literally just like kids and there was tons of us like we had the whole name of- I guess also like in the suburbs you throw house parties and stuff

and that stuff can get wilds. Yeah but that's fair enough though. Call you know but this is the middle of the day, kids having fun. No, yeah, that's crazy. It's not like it was 11 p.m. Oh, trust me. I mean, my mother and Mr. Benari will go at it all the time. Because first of all, he was Italian, so my mother loved fucking getting into it with him. You know, and he'd

come out and he would tell us to, like, fucking keep it down. And my mother would be like, keep it fucking down. These kids are just having fun. She'd be fucking roaring, and he was just total chaos. And then she's like, go have fun. And you're like, it's okay, I'm fine. But then the fucking cop showed up at our house one time complaining about our dog barking. Yeah, like an official

complaint was made about our dog barking. There was a lot of war between us and Mr. Benari. Yeah, because it's kind of a thin line of what is disturbance. What is public disturbance? The fact that they went into, I didn't even know that you can go into someone's thing and just put someone's name in market. Yeah, I didn't know that either. I guess, I mean, some, you can.

I mean, don't find holes in these, in the pettiness. No, I'm not trying to find a hole. I'm saying it's incredible that she, like, was able to do that. Yeah, that's good petty, man. It's good petty because it's like, it confuses the person because they're like, whoa, someone had to go to depths. Yeah, well, they wouldn't know. And then, like, what are you going to do?

Be like, hey, Monica, you were down? Monica, you were down for the wine glasses. Monica, you have a $500 air fryer that you said you were going to buy us and nothing's come. This is giving Mean Girls when she's, like, crossing off, like, hot body. Like, there's a part where it's like a revenge. Oh, you don't know. I saw Mean Girls, but I've only watched it once, and I would need to watch it. again for the amount of times that you guys

bring up me. Like, I feel like Mean Girls is your generation's Barry's Beers Day off. Basically, she starts... Oh my God. So they're trying to take down Regina George who's like the hot Mean Girl. Yes. And they start giving they recommend a weight loss product because she loves being skinny

that ends up being actually a meal supplement and she's been eating it. Oh, that's right. I remember that. And that's why she starts being like, on Wednesday is like you can't wear that color. And she's like, this is all that fits me right now now and then her boyfriend who is an athlete was like why are you eating those coach makes us eat those when we have to go up a weight class and she lets out like the biggest yell ever and it's like such a good petty thing yes that's good petty man that's real petty right there so actually i think there's a lot of money but also the thing with pettiness is sometimes like

you won't do something but like if someone brings up someone's name you just never you should always be nice to people because you never know when someone's going to be like hey should i fuck with this person. Hey, should I invite them to this? Hey, should I involve them in this? That someone will be like, yes or no. That's like the little thing that like is karmic to me. Okay. This story is one of my favorites. So my best friend and I in college, we found out like when her ex-boy, her ex-boyfriend broke up with her, but then we found out later like he cheated on her like something crazy. So we made up a fake letter from Planned Parenthood. Like we got the official logo and everything and we typed out this official letter to him saying that like he was identified as a father

of someone's baby. And we mailed it to his house and his parents saw it. And like they all flipped out or whatever. But then they ended up Googling it and they realized it was a joke. It wasn't real. And then fast forward. We saw him again like a year later. on good terms. And he was like, I don't tell you guys the play a parenthood story? Someone sent me letter.

And we were dying and we just, we played a long and we were like, oh my God, no way, that's crazy. I love that they became friends again

and they still kept it secret. Good for them. Yeah. And the fact that it came back, I mean, that's a real win. Yeah. Like when you can hear about it

and like, and hold your nerve. See, I can't. I immediately be like, that was me. Oh, I mean, I know that's kind of similar to ones that we've had before,

but I honestly, what I loved about that one is that, that it came back to them. Yes. And that they were able to keep it cool. Yes. The stuff, I hope that. And also what's cool about it, sorry to interrupt, but what's cool about is that the parents

found out quickly. So it was just like, it was like a quick shock that didn't last. Yes. True. I'm like afraid of pranking because I feel like if I prank like it goes too far. Like it's like not funny anymore. That's the Sicilian. Because I'm competitive.

So they'll do something to me and then they'll be like, no, my whole life is ruined. Well, I'm not into pranking because I know. never want to get into one of those like, we fuck with each other, friendships. Yeah, no. You know, these people that are like, oh, that's a thing we do, we fuck with each other. Yeah. And then it can get, like, it can get too much. Yeah.

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Several years ago, a girl in our friend group and I had a major falling out, and we don't speak anymore, but she's a baker, and all of our mutual friends still ask her to make cupcakes for their birthday parties or bridal showers or baby showers. I will not eat her cupcakes. Sometimes I just take one and put it on my plate and then I throw it in the trash. This is my favorite one because this is like real. Like I guarantee you, people are identifying with this. I identify with this.

I would not go into fucking the coffee shop on the corner of Broome Street and Orchard Street. It's no longer called this one. They changed the name. It used to be something farm or used to be Irving Farm, right? And I was a regular there. And, you know, they had a no computer policy on Saturdays and Sundays, which I, which I support, except this one time, right? I went in there on a Saturday morning.

I ended up spending 50 bucks myself. I ended up having three coffees and a full breakfast. $50, right? For like a literally margin. You bought the coffee shop. Like, 50 hours I spent, right? And I just took up, I took out my laptop for like a sec to do something. And the guy came up was like, if you're going to use your laptop, you have to go downstairs.

And I was like, I understand the policy. But I just spent $50 fucking dollars. And he was like, sorry, that's just the policy. And on one level, I get it. But another one, it's like, you got to have a bit of bend, bro. I'm not some fucking NYU student coming in here to get like one cup of tea and then use this place as an office for four. I never went to that place again. And when it closed down, I, you know, the pandemic was awful.

But fuck them. They didn't survive it. They didn't fucking survive it. The one thing I love Lovud does is he's one of the most passionate people I've ever met. When he loves, he loves hard. and when he's upset, it's very upset. It's really funny because it has, it doesn't affect them at all. No, that's why it's so petty because everyone's like, okay, no one cares.

No one cares. I think what's better is to start a rumor that it, like, gave you, you know, like, E. coli or something. Yeah, well, that's, you're into the vindictive thing. Because that's like you're trying to destroy their business. Whereas this is just a private thing. You don't even say to people like, I won't eat them because they're from that like you because it's just personal for you it's like no fuck them yes yes and it didn't hurt

anyone which is why it was like a very nice innocent petty story yeah and i think it's sometimes also cupcakes is so funny just the word cupcake yeah i just think it's so nice to hold on to having it's just nice to have these little things like for example i will always throw the middle finger up to st francis prep when we drive by the the francis louis boulevard and the l i i throw my middle finger up because, you know, they kicked me out of there when I was 14 years old and it changed my life for the better. But I throw it up because they didn't deal with my situation very well. And that's petty, but I'm fine with it. One time after breaking up with a guy, I was still friends with all his roommates and I had gone to a party there months later. And I took

my exes remote for the TV and I hit it and another roommate. bed under the mattress, but between the actual bed frame, and they never found it until we moved out. So I'm still proud of that. Great Patty to take us home, you know? That is so good because when you can't find the remote, it's another level of frustration. Or if you do, but you realize it's like just far away, it like will ruin the whole mood. So, and I love that you know that he's going to start blaming all his roommates. he's going to get upset.

That is an incredible, actual crime. That's awesome. Awesome petty. Or just taking the batteries out. You know, the remote control brings up a lot of a lot of emotion. But is there anything worse, then you can't find the fucking remote? And then somebody goes, did you look under the couch? And you're like, of course I looked under the fucking couch.

You know, but you obviously don't look hard enough because then you pick up a cushion and the fucking remote's there. And you're like, it's so embarrassing. The way the remote can so creatively slide into different parts of the couch, it's like how your headphones can get so intricately tied up. I'm like, how did you even manage that, an inanimate object? How great is it when the remote control missing is not your fault? And how harbils it when you know that it's you that has misplaced the remote control? That you sat on it, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like, fuck, it was me. But sometimes the remote control is hidden so well that if I tried to hide it, I couldn't hide it that well. and that's just how it naturally will fall into the couch. Yeah, because it's so near me, but I still for some reason cannot source the remote control. It's like when I lose my phone and I lost it in my own home. And I'm like, how did I possibly hide it so well for myself? It's funny you brought up remote control because like our second date that I asked to go back to your place, which was slutty.

You couldn't find your remote control and we had one of those like awkward things that you experience as like a couple later. very early on where we wanted to watch TV and you're like, fuck, with, it was a fucking remote. Yeah, and I had a 90 pound pit bull in the house. And it's, to be honest, I was sitting there saying, like I was racking my brain there saying, there was something else I need to talk about. And it's the whole reason that I left this in.

It was because we had a remote control situation where we took ages to find the remote control. Honestly, first date, hide his remote control so you can see what he's actually like under pressure. But I didn't go too crazy, but it was annoying. It was annoying. And it was like, we kind of really, like, okay, I guess we're not watching TV.

Yeah, you were very well behaved on that time. Ask Lara, my neighbor from West Hampton, ask Laura about the time that HBO Max was not loading on a fucking, on a Sunday night when fucking Game of Thrones was coming on. And she had come over to watch fucking Game of Thrones. What did you do? Whatever. Let's just say... It wasn't your finest

moment. It wasn't my finest moment. I expressed my frustration. Let's just say Laura hasn't come over since. Yeah, let's just say I kicked the coffee table and she was like, wow. This is what it must be like to grow up in Queens. You ripped your wife's feet on? I just, you know, whatever.

I do, but I do have to say, you turned it into humor and you sent me one of the best. Yeah, so I was thinking I might try to find that and put it up at the end of this episode. I have it. You sent me one of the best songs you've ever made. Because Des' love language was singing me like these like rap type songs. No, well, you liked humor. So at the time I had found this app, I can remember which one it was. but the app like basically gave you beats

and then it automatically sang an autotune. Yeah. And we were, we met briefly and then we were separated for a time. And so I sent, I sent you. By separated, we were just not in the right, same place. We were not allowed to see each other. And so I was sending you these joky songs,

but there's a remote control jokey song. It's so catchy that like, could still sing it, and it's like in my head all the time. And I think it's when I fell in love. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, we, our love language together was laughs. So we'll play remote control the song that I, but at least you have the context, which was on our second date, we could not find, literally together could not find the remote control. And I was like, this guy's already making me work on the fucking second date. Little did we know that Hannah had actually hid the remote control. I think it's time to tell you this. So we can share this moment together.

I think is there a bone How many do we Two more Let's do it Okay great Let's do it They've been good They've been great

Hi Hannah and Des Very big fan of the pod Very big fan of both of you guys I've been to your stand-up shows before Oh cool Love them My mom's also a really big fan of you both My mom's a giggler

And Des she's simply a fan Because you like her Are Irish from Flushing Nice So she's really happy to hear that Representation So thanks for that Oh, and we rep flushing already.

Anyway, let me start off with. My pettiest moment was only once. I'm not proud of it. But my sister's 19 months younger than I am, and I was really sick of her stealing my spotlight. And reading was really my thing. I was six years old, and my sister was learning how to read. And this one night she sat on the end of my bed and asked me if she was pronouncing words correctly. And I taught her to pronounce them incorrectly.

so my family blames me for my sister's dyslexia but it was one time I don't think that's really my fault that's wild that's wild it's cute too

because I was trying to vary the pettiness right because 80% of the message that came in were for pettiness on ex-boyfriends so I was trying to vary and this is very cute because it's that youthful sibling rivalry

I like this one though because she's literally sabotaging her Now, she didn't know at the time that her sister was dyslexic. Yeah. But what if they do a study and they're like, actually, if you have your older sister tell you to mispronounce things, you're fucked for life. That's fucked up.

That is so funny that she was like, reading's my thing. You know, when you're little, you're like, social studies is my thing. Yeah, exactly. Like, my brother was a soccer player, but, like, making everybody laugh was my thing. You know? I can't remember any, like, sibling rivalry, pettiness that I had when we were kids. I was a little into pranking where I remember my dad pranked me once at a restaurant, which was pretty traumatizing. Because he's very funny, and it was like a banana cream pie, and it's very like slapstick humor.

But he'd be like, ooh, this smells so good. And I went to smell it. And like a full restaurant crowded. And he pressed my face into it to the point that it was like all over my face. My eyelashes were full of banana cream. And everyone was laughing. And I remember thinking like, this is genius. So I like did it to my brother

But we were at a bedbath and beyond Where like you smell the lotions And I was like, Daniel smell this lotion I like put it in his face And then he was like crying And I got in like big trouble And I was like but dad did it to me You rotted your dad out

Oh it always My dad would do all these things where he'd bet me like five dollars To do something like Oh go play tag with those like little kids in the park When I was like 13 And they were like four year olds running around Like he would do all these things they were like embarrassing but be like and then every now and then I'd get in trouble because like you shouldn't but I would try to entertain him it was pretty uh-oh daddy issue moment this comes up every now and then

it comes up I just wanted him to love me uh-oh oh oh oh oh my brother said once he like was playing catch with my dad or something and for whatever reason he wanted to fuck with my dad and he hid from him in a tree and watched my dad like freak out and like to this day he never forgets like how he regrets like watching my dad how upset he got that he like lost his die but at least he knew that his father really cared sometimes it takes that sometimes you have to hide from your parents yeah sometimes it takes that my actually okay my dad my dad's been petty from the day she was born no my dad said once he like got in a fight with his parents and this is like Brooklyn and he he was like, I'm running away, you know, and you, like, threatened to run away. Oh, yeah, all the time. So he said he ran away, but he just, like, stopped at the corner. And his dad, like, came out to him.

It was, like, why did you stop at the corner? And he was, like, because I'm not allowed to cross the street. Did you do a runaway? I did numerous runaways. I did a runaway, but I, like, stayed in the vestibule because I, like, wasn't allowed to go outside. I had, I used to have a joke about how, like, when you're a kid, like, you think that your parents, like, like, love you so much. But, like, when you become an adult and you watch other people with their kids, it's like to their children, they act like they love them. But, like, when they're away from them, they're like, think, fuck, I got away from, you know, like, you know, it's like, I can't get, I can't get away from these people.

So, like, then you realize, like, when you're a kid, you think you're threatening your brother, like, I'm running away, you know. But then quietly, you're like, yeah, don't fucking come back when you're hungry like the last time. Don't fucking tease me. No, my dad used to play the styling game because my brother and I were competitive. So, and we, we'd be like, okay, whoever speaks versus loses. And me and my brother were like, and we would do that for like two hours. And we thought we were like so good and like, going to win. And now everybody's my dad just was like, shut the fuck on.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Like, that's great. You know, like, when you're a kid, you and your parents, like, that's great, honey. You think that means it. But really what they mean is, and now fucking get away from me. I'm playing cards with adults. That's great.

Now fuck off. So, anyway, that petty. Well, actually, just very quick, not that it matters, but like, obviously when you're the oldest, you have an advantage, right? It's not fair. Yes. Okay? And the oldest, you know, you can be a bit of a dick sometimes. So, you know, we were a big Jeopardy house.

So after dinner, we would always watch Jeopardy together. And obviously, my three brothers, I was the best at Jeopardy, but not because I was a genius. I just had two and a half extra years of information. Your brain was two and a half years. Information in my head, right? So, unbeknownst to us, Aiden and Mike had discovered that on Long Island Channel 51, Channel 51, Channel 12 now but like on on bQ cable back in the day channel 51 was showing jeopardy at like five o'clock two hours earlier than uh the ABC at seven o'clock so they started watching fucking jeopardy and like

remembering enough answers and like suddenly they were like killing it and i was like what the what the fuck but eventually like they were so good that we were myself and my parents were like what and then eventually they came clean and they were we've been watching channel 51 which was impressive. That's so funny. You know, they were cheating. They were juicing. Oh, bonus. Hi, Hannah and Des. First off, I love the pod. I feel like I have to say that because everyone does, but I really do love the pod. So I feel like this is a great question for me because I'm a super petty person. I love a stuff I finally admitted. I had his best friend one time who was the fucking worst. She was an absolute bitch, stabbed me in the back. I, anyway, she got a kitten. And for the first few months,

The cat wasn't allowed to live with her. So it stayed with a mutual friend. And I would go over there all the time. And I bonded with this kitten. I hate cats. I bonded with this cat. And we became best friends. And I would post it everywhere.

And I would make sure she saw that I was posting about this cat and pretending like it wasn't hers and showing her that I was bonding with the kitten that wasn't allowed to live with her. And we had mutual friends who would be like, oh, that's something. So-and-so's cat. And I'd be like, no, no, it's not. It's not. Wait, that's so amazing because as a cat person, I understand, like, when a cat bonds with you, like, you're their leader, you're their mother, you're their everything. So that is wicked and beautiful.

And I just want to know if the cat's okay right now. Well, I think the cat lives a happy life with the other person. But deep down inside, the other person probably knows that she loves her more. Yeah, like she was first, her first love. Oh, my God. I love that so much. I mean, I left, I, that's like a bonus because it's like, it's for you. But just like you, though, when I first started reading, I was like, oh shit, is this like a puppy? Is this like a kitten drowning situation? No.

But like, it was kind of cute. It was kind of, it was like cute. It's like, I don't even like cats, but like this cat loves me just to fuck with this. You know? It's, it's, it's borderline being addicted. But it's becoming best friends with someone's best friend just to annoy them or like, like, like, hooking up with a guy just to piss someone off. Yes. And there was plenty of them. Really? Yeah, maybe I should have left one in, but there was, there was like, oh, I found that he cheated on me, so I fucked his best friend. There was a lot of that.

Yes. Well, yeah, that's, you know, just the rule book. Yeah, classic. Or, like, I found, you know, so I, like, deliberately was, like, fucking around with people at a, at a, at a party that he was at. Yeah. Actually, one that I, you know, just because eventually you have to take him out, but I do want to say that, oh, there was one that maybe I shouldn't have taken out now that we, because

we've gotten through them faster than I thought, was, I was at a party and at my ex-boyfriend's house and he was like flirting with this other girl. So while I was walking out, I took my tampon out and dropped it on the hallway. Is that too much? That's amazing. Oh, maybe I should have left it in. It's okay. We could leave it in and talk about it now.

Oh, yeah. I'll put it back in. We'll put it in in post. Hey, Hannah and Des love the pod. The pettiest thing that I've ever done is I was once in a situation ship with this guy and he had a house party and I went thinking, you know, maybe something fun would happen. and he acted like he didn't know me so that hurt and on my way out i was wearing a skirt and i took my tampon out and i threw it on his front lawn and then i went home and i've

never told anybody that so so she just to like what was she's making it like he fucked another girl in the house i i because so we're admitting that we didn't play this live so uh forgive us but The exact scenario, I don't know, but she, she dropped the tampon on the way out. I love that. Yeah, it's nice. I love that. Yeah, I should have lifted it. You know what it was?

It was more just like, you have to, you know, you have to slice them down. So I'm sorry I doubted you, person, but we have played it. That's amazing. But, you know, again, it was. Also, taking out your tampon is so freeing. Good for you. Yeah. I hope it was like day three, nice and heavy.

I hope we don't start a trend now, though. I know. It's kind of getting me pumped up. Like, I'm like, I should have been more petty in my life. Tampon drive. Hannah went from saying she's not petty to, like, regretting that she hasn't been petty enough. Well, I think, like, the fun, creative ones are really good. My, I do agree with what I said in the beginning, though.

My level of petty is, like, more Sicilian and intense, where there's, like, a meme that girls share around, which is really funny, which is, like, if you want to get back at a guy, like, go and quit your job, go into his career, become his boss, fire him, fuck his dad, and just, like... Yeah, but, like, that was always my thing, because there was a time where my father had some incidents at work where he really got screwed over, you know, and it was a stressful time in our house. And I used to have the fantasy of one day I will own Burberry. And one day I will own Burberry and I will fucking destroy these people. But actually, in the end, those people got fucked because Burberry got taken over by somebody else and it completely changed. And my father was the only one that they kept. They got rid of all his enemies. So I didn't, luckily, because I didn't want to get into retail.

I didn't have to own Burberry to get revenge on these guys. At the end of the day, if we're giving you too much inspiration to be petty, if it's funny and no one gets hurt, go off, but focus on what you put your energy towards. And the ultimate best form of revenge is just focusing on yourself and your own happiness. And sometimes if you keep the resentment, it's like it doesn't help you. It just becomes like a poison inside you. So release that poison, get it out, and stop giving his number to random, you know, STD testing places.

And that is the ultimate revenge. But thank you so much. I mean, great contributions, a great episode. Keep telling people to subscribe. Let's keep getting these numbers up. Thank you for your reviews. Thank you for your comments on stuff that we post. I think we're going to create a burn it phone TikTok so that we can post more videos, just like dump, dump videos.

Yeah, we love you guys so much. Girl, you're making me lose control. You're making me lose control. And I think you know what I really mean. I lost my remote control. It's been gone for five days. Where the fuck did it go? You're making me lose my...

Remote control. Are you coming with me between the cushions? And help me looking. Because I want to watch seeing in again. MSNBC, you and me, please help me find my remote control.