Berner Phone - Berner Phone #91: Ruthless Life Advice

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

The dialers asked for our advice and we didn't hold back....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hi, my little dialers, it's mom and dad. And if I sound so... Why are you totally embracing the mom and dad? I love it. I don't know why. Does, we don't have children yet right now.
Starting point is 00:00:30 The listeners are our children. The dialers are our family. They're our family. We're the foster parents of the dialers. And we co-parent sometimes when one of us is busy. What do you mean? Like when I'm away, you should go to Dad's house. Oh.
Starting point is 00:00:45 And you talk about death for an hour. Yeah, but co-parenting those when you're sort of not together. I know. Sometimes we're not together. Yeah, I know. Also, by the way, if I sound adorable and calm, and sweet right now. First of all, it's because I am. Second of all, it's because I just woke up from an amazing morning nap. Hour-long nap. It's 2.30 p.m. Sunday. We're late again.
Starting point is 00:01:12 But hour-long nap, falling asleep watching Carlos Alcarez and Yannick Center play in the final of the Rome Masters. The thing is we love watching sports, but sports is also the most amazing thing to put you to sleep. The Mets is my favorite nap, personally. When, you know, you hear just the murmur of the crowd and occasionally a bat hitting and the old guys being like, and, you know, that's why I think you should, he's going to get a double this week. What do you think? Like they have a certain method to the voice.
Starting point is 00:01:46 They have a nice rhythm. Yeah. Soothing rhythm. This looks like it's going to be a strikeout. What do you think, Keith? You know, I don't know. Maybe it will be. Let's check in.
Starting point is 00:01:56 Let's check into the crowd. Wow. Look at that guy with a hot dog. That looks nice. That puts me right to sleep. They're like, that's a big Diet Coke. That's a funny. I mean, it's not a good impersonation, but it's a good, like, it's a good observation of sort of the...
Starting point is 00:02:17 That's such a bad impersonation. Well, no, because you're not really trying to do their voices. I didn't practice it. But the subject matter was very spot on. It is. The content was, you nailed that. It's basically like... a podcast, but just, like, observing things going on.
Starting point is 00:02:33 Yeah. Well, there's a lot going on. Sometimes it's like, oh. But there's a lot of gaps in between what goes on. That's what gives them the ability to banter. Yeah, because, like, basketball coverage, they can't banter. There's a play after play. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:02:43 Baseball is a little more, you know, they have to get on a plane tomorrow, go California. I hope they're going to be rested for that. Oh, look at that kid in that nice outfit. Look at that nice outfit. That kid has. He's having fun. That kid's having fun today. Sorry, this is all we do is watch the mess.
Starting point is 00:03:02 Well, people are like, funny enough, this is helping me to go to sleep. If you've still made it this far in the pod without falling asleep, welcome. Yeah. So, anyway, today is spent to be a rest day, but yesterday we were going to record and Hannah decided to make that the rest day. So now we're recording on the Lord's Day after Hannah had another rest. Well, I drank Diet Coke one night and was off the rails and couldn't fall asleep that night. You've been behind the eight ball for two days. From one Diet Coke that, by the way, I watered down.
Starting point is 00:03:41 Well, in your defense, Seamus was going a little crazy last night. Seamus was, now he's napping. I am a cat. I get really excited at night and then all day I want to nap. So anyway, today... We got a classic. Yeah, because you... You had said best pranks originally, but I feel like we had a few sort of like, you know, like...
Starting point is 00:04:02 Specific. Well, yeah, and dialers coming in being like very specific, like being funny about a specific thing. Your DJ does. You're guiding... So I said, I said it's been a while since we had an advice episode, you know, so I thought, let's change it up a bit. And, you know, we give ruthless unprofessional advice on this pod. Yeah, but the thing is that it's really not about the advice that we give.
Starting point is 00:04:26 It's about how it gives everybody, including us, a chance to think about a dilemma. And that other people have problems, too. Yeah, and I feel like it makes us all... Problem-solvers? Be compassionate. Oh, what a concept. It's like a loving-kindness meditation. It's a community where we figure stuff out for each other, because we're stronger together.
Starting point is 00:04:52 Stronger together. That's what Michelle Obama said. Was that what that was? Because I was about to say, I feel like that's a political slogan, stronger together. All I do is just quote Michelle Obama all the time. Incorrectly. Yeah. Wait, my new thing is I say something inspirational, and then I just say a person's name.
Starting point is 00:05:09 I did that on Amy Bowler's pod. I said something about like, you miss all the shots you don't take. And I said, Michael Jordan. Yeah, you misquoted it, actually. But then some people said, actually, Hannah didn't really miss quoted. She sort of half got it right. So there was a bit of, I noticed there was a bit of controversy. Yes.
Starting point is 00:05:26 I did, the internet, you know, got confused, and that's, you know, that's what I'll do. I keep people on their toes. But it was a Michael Jordan idea, but then the actual quote, I think, was Marilyn Monroe. Was it? No, it was Wayne Gretzky, but I said Marilyn Monroe. Because, you know, Marilyn Monroe has all these quotes. Does she? In girlhood.
Starting point is 00:05:50 I'm not in the Marilyn Monroe algorithm. Everyone has, like, a Marilyn Monroe inspirational quote about life or, I know, and if there's ever a life journey you want to follow, it's Marilyn Monroe. Okay, don't come for our Maryland. No, I get it, but I'm just saying that she was miserable. I know. I know. Also, who's the girl that page looks like? Audrey Hepburn. Yeah. We were recently watching a documentary about her, and the whole documentary was about how she thought she was ugly. Really? Yeah. But I feel like that's a lot of Hollywood.
Starting point is 00:06:23 Yeah, it's because she didn't look like the traditional type and, like, kind of could. I wouldn't accept that her success kind of thing. Really? Yeah. Isn't that amazing? But I mean, I don't want to oversimplify her life to just that. But I remember just being very confused because she's a beautiful person. She's an icon.
Starting point is 00:06:40 She's a little an icon. Let's get into it. Let's start with a lighthearted one because I feel like you're going to have a lot of opinions on this. Okay. Because this is something that a lot of people find hard to do. Hey, Hannah and Des. A long time, first time, or whatever they used to call it. Anyway, yeah, my girlfriend, Jacqueline, is just a huge fan of Hannah.
Starting point is 00:07:02 And any way that you give her some sort of a shout out, she would just absolutely shit her pants. But as prompts go, we've been together two years or so, and we're starting to think about mixing friend groups together. Is this a thing that we should be doing, you know, all at once? He got cut off. What a great question. But also, you should have seen our faces when we realized it was a man. I know. I think I knew at the time, but I forgot.
Starting point is 00:07:27 Or you read it and you thought it was a lesbian with a girlfriend. I just it's just such a shocking to hear the low frequency of the voice. I know that I talk shit on men, but to be able to give advice to men, the world's only going to get better. Well, this is advice
Starting point is 00:07:43 for both of them, right? Yes. He said Jacqueline's her name? I believe so. Jacqueline, I want to make you shit your pants. Shout out to my girl. And I love that your boyfriend boyfriend of two years reaching out for help because men you need to ask for help
Starting point is 00:07:59 but what a good question good topic regardless of I mean what a good like you can have a whole podcast episode mixing friend groups because it's funny sometimes you'll meet someone through work and you have similar friends and then some side groups but it's not a big deal
Starting point is 00:08:15 and then sometimes a lot of people meet through friends but I think it's very popular now that people will meet someone on a dating app or meet someone randomly out and then you have these two huge lives separate lives that you want to mesh but I guess you want to do it the right way
Starting point is 00:08:34 I know but it kind of depends on the friend groups too some groups mesh better than others it's true there is the like what he was ending with which is we just fucking throw a party we get them all together we know they're similar vibes all at the one time we see who naturally gravitates together There we go.
Starting point is 00:08:52 This is it. Or do you cherry pick who might get along and do some like dinners. Dinners and different events. Yes. I mean, I think what's hard for us is we don't really. Well, our friend groups are 3,000 miles away. It does. Plus, I have like so many different friend groups.
Starting point is 00:09:14 Yes. They're all different. And they're like I got my queen's friends who are like they're a breed of their own. Yes. Then I got my Irish guys. who are very far away, and a lot of them have full families. Well, yeah, they're, well, they're all my age. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:28 Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, that's the only thing. And all of my friends are single hot girls and gays. I got some gays. I got some gays in my friend group. That haven't come out yet, yeah. I'm just kidding.
Starting point is 00:09:47 I'm just kidding. That was just a low-winging fruit. But we have mutual friends with comedy. Yeah. So we have a ton of comics who we're both friends with. Yeah. But it's funny, of all my friend groups, the Irish comedy friends who are like my OG comedy friends, you know them the least. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:06 You've only met John Bishop. And you know, we've had a very healthy marriage without knowing each other's friends that often. We haven't had any real, we haven't had any times where we got together. I was like, eh. You know what we've done? We've done a lot of the like, we're hanging. with my friends tonight. We're hanging with your friends tonight.
Starting point is 00:10:25 Occasionally... Everybody got on well at the wedding. Everyone loved each other at the wedding. Well, the Irish get along with everyone. Yes. But then we have done some handpicked matchmaking where we'll have a single guy in one group and I'll be like, I have a friend and we'll try that.
Starting point is 00:10:40 I mean, we've had two successful pairings, but they haven't lasted. They haven't lasted. We're not going to give any names, but... Two successful... Oh, we have had two successes. Yeah. Well, actually, one guy. And there is one.
Starting point is 00:10:51 common denominator of white of who wasn't lasting no pun intended what i'm just kidding anna you're out of can't anna you are out of control throwing strays at anonymous people you're out of your mind these are not true about any what are you talking about that i'm not name and name so i know i know but it's just you're out of your mind no one coffee this is what happens man I do think though the wedding people it's so much fun but yeah
Starting point is 00:11:27 I'm trying to think if all your friends from Ireland lived here I don't know also you know what I don't want to speak for you but I don't love huge get-togethers I'm really more of a dinner person so I would or like
Starting point is 00:11:44 come over let's hang out I would recommend I don't know what would you here's the thing you know the friends that are like a problem you know what i mean like that's what i think like i know that i have a couple of savages that like i love them because we're bonded by life yes but like you also know that had you not known these people and by the way just for the record because i i know some people a long time and one of them definitely listens to this pod i am not talking about PJ here
Starting point is 00:12:18 because he listens and I think I think PJ could get along with anyone 100% so I just wanted him to know right there that I have but I'm just saying that like I know some people that like I've known all my life had I met them in my 20s
Starting point is 00:12:34 they would not be my friend it is true there's always that friend that you have to explain to people yeah like in events like listen this guy's coming and he's an absolute savage uneducated fucking lunatic like absolutely on no uncertain terms but I would not have him anywhere near you people normally but he's literally like my brother
Starting point is 00:12:53 and I think we all have a couple of those friends guys definitely do but here's the thing when you know what they are and you embrace them for what they are the entertainment value is very high and it's also sometimes bonds a friend group when you're like fucking this person
Starting point is 00:13:09 and you all get to bond over laughing about whatever's going on with them because they're consistent Yeah, I don't I do joke I've been joking I've been joking my stand up a bit
Starting point is 00:13:19 about how yeah guys you don't even know their full name the guy will do like horrible things but you'll forgive him because he's fun
Starting point is 00:13:26 after a couple of beers where girls have no tolerance for bullshit but also like little things will happen I'm like that's why you don't
Starting point is 00:13:33 talk to Stephanie yeah I know and that's come up before what I will also say is I've had a lot of situations where I'm like listen these people
Starting point is 00:13:41 are really fun but we cannot talk about politics. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, if we get into politics, this ain't going to work. Well, when you have groups and you know about them, you could be like, hey, by the way, don't bring up this around this person. Don't bring about that about that person. You two are going to bond over your travels to Spain. Don't bring up your relationship with your dad. Like, there'll be little things like that. Yeah, I'd be like, hey, listen, person one, great. Don't talk about
Starting point is 00:14:07 vaccines. Person two, great. Don't say that you voted for Joe Biden. Person three, great. Great. but make sure they think that you recycle. Pretend you're vegan around them. Yeah, just like don't tell them that you fly. You love composting. I like giving advice with like some like real answers for them. This is what my pitch for you guys. Next time there's an event like a birthday party, a celebration of some kind,
Starting point is 00:14:40 you throw the party where you invite all the people you think will get along. and I'm envisioning, you know, you're all at a bar together, you bring everyone, see who naturally connects, and then from there be like, great, let's get dinner with these guys and bring them together. So it's almost like get out of the way of having to cherry pick who might get along, throw the party, see who gravitates together, who might know of people, and get the overall vibes. Because I have to say sometimes I could be, when I throw a party, not controlling, but I want to, like, micromanage everyone to make sure everyone's having fun but sometimes when you just naturally let people
Starting point is 00:15:18 get the vibes like they don't be like you talk to this person you talk to this person which i've totally done and some and i am very good at connecting people um i would like to say i have matched a couple people i'm not going into it um they they'll find people i always say even with dating too that's why sometimes the apps were annoying because you don't get someone's aura not to get woo-woo but like you wouldn't know if you'd naturally gravitate towards that person at the bar. Like, you know, someone's at the bar and you naturally are giving eyes. And you're like, you like, there's something about how they carry themselves. You're like, oh, I'm attracted to that. Where when you're swiping, it's, you don't get that. So I kind of like that with friends. Case and point,
Starting point is 00:15:59 I swiped on you on Raya before we ever met. You never swiped on me. I never saw you there. Because you didn't have your age higher. Because my age range was up to 36. Which, honest how people change like what was I thinking 36 what was I thinking was I trying to what I don't know that's crazy that's crazy yeah I think I was gonna say but it's funny even if I I probably only gone up to 42 well at the oh yeah I was 44 when we met okay so here's a question which is kind of related to something that happened to us like last week and then so like we're we're We're not anti-social, but like, we're not big on, like, making social plans with, like, another couple.
Starting point is 00:16:46 Like, if it happens, great, but we're not big. So we also work at night a lot, so we're not, like, always available at night to do things. What do you think about, so we have a situation with somebody, a friend of mine, but, you know, a guy I know pretty well, but from work, he was like, let's get together and have dinner. Me and you, Hannah, and my girlfriend or wife, I don't know if they're married. Anyway, and I was like, yeah, cool. But in my mind, I was like, oh, I feel like, now I'm going to have to put Hannah in this situation. But then on the flip side, it's like, sometimes you've got to take a risk on that. But how do you feel when...
Starting point is 00:17:23 Okay, I would argue the only time that should happen is when the girls plan it. Oh. Because if the two girls like each other, it's a much higher chance that the men will get along. Interesting. I think men, for some reason... I mean, I think this is loaded with... sweeping generalizations that are going to have no fact, but this is where you thrive.
Starting point is 00:17:46 I see this happen at my shows where girls bring their boyfriends and the boyfriends are like, they're happy, they're having fun, will have fun, it's easier. Where I feel like throwing two random girls in doesn't always... Except you're not a random because you kind of know the guy. Oh, I don't know who we're talking about.
Starting point is 00:18:06 Well, yeah, I'm not going to talk about it. It depends. This is the show of talking about people. anonymously. But I do love, yeah, you normally you do a full name, so I don't know who this is today. Well, no, because this is, you know. Yes, but I... This is a comedian. I do also think, yeah, it depends on the world. It's like if you, if you really do, just, I feel like random guys and more likely to get along than random girls of different worlds. Yeah, but I think in this situation, the three of us are from the one world. Yes. And also, if somebody,
Starting point is 00:18:34 so I feel like that's like a moment where somebody's saying, we get along well. Yeah. I actually feel like that's like a risk for him to say, let's get that little bit friendlier. But you know what I think it is too, which we are not that good at? You have friends who have like full families, and then I have friends who are insane single partiers. Yes.
Starting point is 00:18:59 And it doesn't match us. So I think it's other married people or people in relationships who are like, we're in the same boat as you. We're not partying too much. we're not taking care of kids. Let's all hang out because we're in a similar position, which I understand. And we don't have that many couple friends. Yeah. I also have another situation which I feel like this is important is next week, which I haven't even told you about. Next Sunday, there's a get-together of like all my friends from my block, not even
Starting point is 00:19:34 just like neighborhood friends. I mean, like the kids that I've known since I was two years old. All of them. Queen's people. And they want you to come. But I'm not even giving you the option to come because here's what I think. Why do you need to be subjected to like two hours of us reminiscing? Okay. See, I'm more interested in that. But you just have to listen to like stories about people you don't know. I know, but I would get insight into you that I could use against you later. Right. I can get funny stories. I can go on a side ramp
Starting point is 00:20:12 and be like, tell me what was he like with this? What is this? I'll find out if you hooked up with any of the... I didn't. And then I'll be in the drama. Like, I'm in it. Right. Well, we'll talk about that afterwards then. Because I assumed you didn't want to go. Well, it depends. Where is it?
Starting point is 00:20:30 It's in Nassau County. We'll see. Anyway, it always comes down to the LIE. I do have to say, though, it is a red flag when the guy you're with, like, really doesn't put an effort with your friends or, like, actually does and, like, cannot get himself to like any of your friends. That's tough, man.
Starting point is 00:20:50 That's tough, because I've had that before, but looking back, I realize now the guy was, like, in his own head and had his own insecurities, so he would just kind of, like, he didn't want to do it, and then he'd clam up when he's with them. But he was, like, good looking, so all the girls were like, we love him, and I was like, he didn't try at all. I only ever had a situation where like the best friend and I clashed That's tough man
Starting point is 00:21:13 But that happens often I think because it's like Control thing It's a control thing Yeah and they The friendship there was like real competitive between those two They had like best friend but it was like best friend of me vibes Yeah and then they could feel like they're losing their best friend because of you Yes
Starting point is 00:21:30 Or you know she's now taking your advice instead of her advice I always feel especially like with Paige, like, I just kind of represent something of like she's very close with me and I make her laugh and stuff. And I've sensed guys in the past will get jealous at like how much I make Paige laugh. And I'm like, sorry, I make her giggle. Can you make her giggle? I like the way Paige had to come out as wanting to be a funny person on the Amy Pollard podcast. I know, I watched some clip and she's like, I just never like, I was never seen. I was never seen as funny and like i didn't want to be known as the funny one until i met hannah
Starting point is 00:22:10 Hannah let me be okay to come out yeah and be funny to be a funny birth and not just demure not just hot uh to be multifaceted we talked for a long time on no that was a very good question that's a very good question finally the guys came through for us but i could argue also to continue that if your friends really don't get along or your your partner doesn't get along with your friends like they might not be the right person or like someone's wrong because they all should have similar vibes i do have to say my favorite friends get along with you so much and like i feel like it's it's not coincidence it's because like it's a kind of person that i want to have in my life maryland monroe said that spring is here summer's around the corner i need some new clothes but i get
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Starting point is 00:26:46 promo code burn, promo code burn, B-E-R-N. Hey guys, Hannah and I love hungry root. It's like having your own personal shopper. And because this time of year, we hang out in West Hampton. We have a lot more people over. We actually kind of behave more like normal functioning adults. So we need to have the house full of good stuff because other people are going to go around and see how unorganized we are.
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Starting point is 00:27:53 Take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time. Get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungaryroot.com slash burner and use code burner. That's hungry root.com slash burner, code burner, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. hungry root.com slash burner code burner okay this is interesting okay hi hannah and des so this question is regarding my decorations for my place me and my boyfriend just moved in together and we haven't really talked a lot about it but he is a cowboy so he's more of a country vibe and i am more of a granola outdoorsy girly pop vibe so when i was
Starting point is 00:28:44 going to buy decorations, he was like, is there anything Western? And I was like, I didn't really know that's the vibe we were going to bring to the functions. So what are your suggestions on how to decorate to compromise between us two? Or should I just go with what I want because I'm a girl? And yeah, but tell me what you think. And yeah, love you guys. I have so many thoughts. Go ahead. Okay, first of all, well, are you going to start with the one that's very specific to this? Yes. Cowboys. Why do cowboys, they're like obsessed with aesthetics. Like when I'm like in the airplane, airplane, when I'm at the airport, it's like, see all these people, different t-shirts on whatever. And then you see a full cowboy with all the accessories head to toe to be like, we get it. You like horses. Like I don't get it. But I support men in the arts. Like I love that he loves accessorizing and expressing. himself through the art of cows and you know we can work with this because you are an outdoorsy girl which I support and it's giving if I had to give an aesthetic it's giving Colorado Ranch
Starting point is 00:29:58 that's kind of what I'm seeing but I do like to say now when you say Colorado Ranch what do you mean I mean she if she's outdoorsy granola I'm envisioning Colorado yeah like you like hiking whatever And then it's like, now it's just make it like a ranch time, like a ranch in a liberal state, is what I'm saying? Like, like, like, like, like, like, what are his views on abortion? Have you asked him this before you start decorating your apartment with him? Yeah, I, I'm glad you entertained yourself so much with that one. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine's like, I'm the perfect guy. And then they're like, have you asked somebody
Starting point is 00:30:42 to stands on abortion? And she's like, no. So, wait, this is my question to you. Okay. Do you think men have the right to give design opinions? No, I think the only time a man has a right to give a design opinion is if the woman is like going too far off, like, like when it's getting to the point where it's like, yo, this is miles from me so you do have more opinions than the average guy because you've i think because
Starting point is 00:31:17 you've lived your life alone for a long time you've lived your own life where some guys are used to just being like well whatever my mom wants whatever my girlfriend wants or you've made your own decisions before but to throw us under the bus i love green kitchens i want a green kitchen i want green tile everywhere i think it's funky i think it's cool i think it's crazy aunt i got Vito. Well, you got Vito. Luckily, I had your mom on my side on that one. Well, I could have convinced my mom. She was just like supporting you in the moment. You know, honestly, let me give you the rationale behind that, which is the current renovation that you're speaking of. Because I don't think it's going to be our permanent residence for the rest of our lives. I feel like going for something that personal in that situation would be a problem when we went to sell. Because
Starting point is 00:32:15 like sort of neutral sort of all just like non-offensive to anybody is definitely better when it comes to the time where we perhaps are moving on from that place. And I agree with that. And also
Starting point is 00:32:33 you were given free rain on the initial renovation of that place and it was fucking bonkers. Okay, that was my first time and I had a lot of fun with the paint. I had nothing to do with it.
Starting point is 00:32:49 Okay, so I did I had a lot about the paint and it was my way of expressing myself through the art of decor and I've gotten better at it. Yeah. And, but you are more involved than the average guy. I really am not actually. I'm not involved at all. The only
Starting point is 00:33:05 thing I did in that situation was I overrode the green. I've never been vetoed I've never been vetoed by a man before. Listen, all I did was veto the green kitchen. Yes. Like the Incredible Hulk was our fucking interior designer. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:18 But so my advice for her is your gut is right. Don't listen to him. Well, because the Western thing, come on. Yeah, you're not, yeah. But what I think you do is like when you, you'll find when you're decorating, there's going to be little places in the house where you're like, oh, I need to hang something here. I need a little Chotchkey here.
Starting point is 00:33:37 That's when you add the Western in. Yeah, that's when you allow him. Get a painting. I don't even know Western. Get a painting with a cowboy hat. I don't know. Because you don't want like long horns or, you know. Get like a pillow on Etsy that says like Montana on it and put it there.
Starting point is 00:33:52 Like do those little things. So when he asks, you go, here, I thought of you. I didn't. But make it your aesthetic. But I think, I think listen to him and do a couple little things around the house. Yeah. And maybe there's some sort of throw rug that makes him feel. like there's a Western vibe.
Starting point is 00:34:10 Yeah, get a cow rug. That doesn't look, like, that looks good. A cow rug is cute, or like a cow pillow. Just little things that you could throw it in, but overall do what you want to do. But the thing is Western and granola are not too far apart. Yeah, it's not a total clash. Yeah, it's not like he's like,
Starting point is 00:34:26 I want fully modern and metals, and you're like, I want it girly. But it is hard, like, because a lot of these girls, you know, especially if you're like single all your 20s and you're having so much fun, and you really get into your own like girlhood of your aesthetic and your vibe and then you meet a guy and he isn't that vibe and then you're kind of like how do I live and then some girls are really neat or some guys are really neat and then you move in
Starting point is 00:34:54 and then you start the chaos that's a lot of relationships is just who is it clean enough and are you guys making the little boring decisions well together but I'm judgmental on the Western stuff. That's why I'm glad you took a hold to that. I'm immediately like no, but that's not fair. Well, you love vetoing things. No, but I'm just not, I don't, I'm not a Western guy. I don't, Hannah, just for the record, I, that is the only thing I ever had a strong opinion on.
Starting point is 00:35:25 I'm not even going to the meetings on that renovation. Everything else you've done. You literally ignored me. You painted the walls yellow and you got like a strip club couch and I had nothing to do with it. I love that couch. wait why don't you like Western it's just not my vibe
Starting point is 00:35:44 I'm not a country music guy I'm not a Western guy why did it immediately just make me think of love on the spectrum with Abby and the guy I was thinking that but that's the first thing I thought about when I read this I thought about that guy but I love it for them
Starting point is 00:35:57 I love it for them they're singing full country songs together I love it for them yeah you know yeah but for me it's like I like Western music and making out my girlfriend in front of her parents.
Starting point is 00:36:10 I was thinking more how, like, if you have a granolae, like, kind of funky stuff, there'll be a lot of Chachis, and you could, if you don't know what Chachkees, you can Google it. I think it's a Yiddish term. Is it? Yeah, but it's just basically, like, little knickknacks that you put around the house. How do you spell it?
Starting point is 00:36:26 Chachky. Yeah. No idea. C-H-O-C-H-K-Y Chochie. It's actually T-C-H-H-H-H-K-E. That's Yiddish. It's a Yiddish. It's a Yiddish.
Starting point is 00:36:38 word. A small decorative object often a knick-knack or a trinket. Yes, knick-knack. That's what I said. It's essentially a word for something that is inexpensive and showy. Yeah, like but I also think it adds some personality doing those little things.
Starting point is 00:36:54 But yeah, you also unless you live in a ranch, it's hard to like make an apartment. Yeah. That Western without it looking corny. Yeah, well that's what I automatically think corny. Like a theme bar. I think like a theme bar like one of those ones in Nashville yeah I think and then the car you get could be
Starting point is 00:37:15 one of those soul cycle um southern soul cycle things where you do beer runs on do you want a serious one okay you clearly want a serious one this is serious man I recorded this before but I sounded like a man so I'm going to try to record it again anyways so my dilemma is I have a girlfriend, and on May 18th, we're going to be two years. My dad, I wouldn't say he's homophobic, but he doesn't support me being gay, or my older sister being gay. My mom, she was raised heavily Christian. Her dad is a pastor.
Starting point is 00:37:57 She doesn't support gay. My girlfriend asked my mom for my hand in marriage, and she said no, because she wants me to marry a man. so my question is should I could like should we still get married you know like I don't I don't need their permission to get married but you know you kind of want the oh I asked your parents kind of thing I just don't know I mean that's a real dilemma first of all can I just say you're perfect you're perfect I'm saying one more time you are perfect and this is not your fault and it's not your parents' fault. They're born into a culture, and it's what they've learned and what they've been taught. Interesting, Bowen Yang very recently, I saw a clip, and he gives his parents quite a bit
Starting point is 00:38:47 of grace for their lack of understanding of his situation, because you know, they sent him to conversion therapy. Wow. Yeah, but he gives them grace for their just inability to understand, particularly at the time. I don't know where it's at now, because I didn't listen to the whole interview. Well, I like to think if your parents truly understood what you were going through and had the right person, they would support it, but they have their own shit that they're projecting onto you. Yeah. Also, it's... Oh, by the way, we're not the right people to be asking this, but it is a fascinating dilemma.
Starting point is 00:39:19 Well, it's also... It's not fascinating, it's the wrong word, but just... I'm privileged... Hardbreaking, really. It's heartbreaking, because I'm coming from a place from Parksville, New York. Everyone was a lesbian. Yeah. Parents are disappointed when their kids come out of straight.
Starting point is 00:39:32 Yeah. I always say, you know, in fourth grade, we were taught, you know, families come in all shapes and forms. Some people are raised by their grandma. Some people are raised by two dads. Some people are, you know, don't have parents. And like, it was just that kind of culture. So I have to put myself into a real different mindset
Starting point is 00:39:52 to try to grasp where your parents are coming from. But it's not from a lack of love is kind of what I was trying to say. But I understand the dilemma, though, because it's like, okay, I'm sure, I'm assuming she's thinking, well we don't need to get married number one yeah yeah it doesn't really affect our relationship so would it be just less drama in our lives if we just don't bother getting into that because yeah our parents are so uncomfortable but on the flip side it's like why should you shortchange yourself of this way of expressing your love and commitment to each other
Starting point is 00:40:29 because your parents don't approve and then it's also comes to the point where is it like is it your job to educate your parents on, you know, being open-minded to... Yeah, but I don't even think it's about educating them. I mean, she's saying... I mean, she was saying at the end, like, I know it doesn't really matter. We could just get married without them, but like there's... I feel like she's holding on to this traditional thing of you get permission from your parents. So to get married is to defy them.
Starting point is 00:41:00 Well, yeah, and also she wants to feel when she's doing it. that she's not doing some rebellious thing that's disappointing her parents. But on the flip side, it's still, in a way, holding on to the shame of I'm doing something wrong. Whereas an actual fact,
Starting point is 00:41:19 you can have grace for them not being able to understand, but they are wrong. Yeah. They're shaming you. Yeah. And like, I'm sorry, I can't, like, I can't get behind that. And at some stage in our lives,
Starting point is 00:41:32 you know, can get into all the psychology and the thinking, but at some stage, you have to have complete agency over your own life. Yeah. And in a way, to make a decision based on their lack of acceptance is holding on to shame. And what they're basically saying is not, oh, I don't like this girl you're with. They're saying, I'd rather you be unhappy with a man. Yeah, I'd rather you not be you.
Starting point is 00:41:58 Yeah. I mean, that's basically what they're saying. But it was also interesting. She said her sister's also out. yeah what an unfortunate that's like Mateo's dad Mateo has those jokes about like they're both gay his brother came out as gay too
Starting point is 00:42:11 is his brother gay also that happens but I wonder what their relationship is like and if they're able to commiserate together over the situation with the parents it's a tough and you know here's the thing about parents it's like
Starting point is 00:42:26 we always assume that there's like there's resolution but like there's very varying degrees of people like continuing to have a healthy relationship with your parents. It does not always work out. Yeah. But then there's also the like the slow role
Starting point is 00:42:43 of like you know they weren't happy but they knew that it's what I wanted and then fast forward you know 30 years everyone's happy but it also sounds like she might be from the South I mean she's definitely not from New York from the accent
Starting point is 00:42:59 I'm throwing that out there and she is religious she said so yeah there's a lot of moving pieces but your happiness is what's most important also marriage can help with taxes like there's probably there's maybe things that she wants to do um we want to if you want to get married you got to do it quick because i don't know what these motherfuckers are doing with project 2025 i don't know how long it's going to be around honestly Ali Colbert has funny jokes because she's a lesbian
Starting point is 00:43:32 and she talks about every now and then when she doesn't want a relationship to work out and a girl wants to get married she's like come on Trump hurry up she's like
Starting point is 00:43:45 yeah I mean you know like I think you should obviously we're only I think you need to talk to a couple
Starting point is 00:43:54 more of your gay friends who perhaps have a better understanding and nobody could ever advise you on like how to proceed with the relationship with your parents but the one thing i feel comfortable saying is that i think part of what you're saying is is sort of holding on to to their judgment of you in a way which i don't love but i also i'm not judging you for doing that but i'm going to have a hot take okay if you're with this girl, they're going to be mad at you regardless.
Starting point is 00:44:30 The marrying just kind of further makes them either like kind of have to accept it or not. Also, like, the marriage might not work out. Yeah. Apparently high divorce rates in the lesbian community. And also low STD rates. Great. Great for the STDs. But take a second. Marriage in general is a big thing. You might have your own anxiety, too, if this is the one,
Starting point is 00:44:55 this is what you want to do. But I totally get You don't have to get married So I also get But at the end of the day They're going to be mad at you regardless You're with a woman Yeah
Starting point is 00:45:04 So it's like Oh you want to be like a little more accepted Because they think you might wake up one day And just leave her for a man Yeah fuck it In for a penny and for a pound That's what I say That's what Marilyn Monroe said
Starting point is 00:45:15 So I think it's like You're trying to keep you A little foot in the water To make them feel appeased But like You already know You're you and you be you and...
Starting point is 00:45:27 In Texas hold them poker terms you've basically currently just like calling to see their hand fuck it, go all in. Go all in. Make them fucking... And then maybe they might be forced to get out of this mindset of like
Starting point is 00:45:40 maybe she'll wake up differently. It's like, okay, you deal with it and either you're going to accept me or you're not. I mean... Yeah, that's the hard part. And I get it. And if you get married, we'll come to the wedding. This is the kind of wedding I want to be at.
Starting point is 00:45:57 Yeah, we'll officiate the wedding. Are these two boring straight people? Does anybody other than her fucking parents think this is a bad idea? They're already on record. Speak now or forever hold your peace. But we love you. You're perfect. Love wins.
Starting point is 00:46:19 Yes. Marlon Monroe. you've got to let love rule Who sings that? Jip Bon Jovi He was at the Knicks game Oh the person who sings it Rod Stewart
Starting point is 00:46:32 Wait no let me guess Lane Kravitz Yes Okay Oh there's a new episode of This Is Us today The Last of Us The Last of us? Two completely different shows
Starting point is 00:46:45 Could not be more The one with the zombies or the lighthearted comedy? I actually don't know what this is Us is. This Is Us actually has some, it's just like a, yeah, it's a, yeah, I never watched it. That's not the thing with Jamil or Jamil, right? No, but it's the one with, I can't name anyone in it right now, but my mom loves it. Okay. Justin Hart.
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Starting point is 00:50:23 Hey, mom and dad. Okay, love you both, huge fans. Okay, my question for you guys is, I want to know about like your couple's inside jokes. Like, you know how every couple has like either something they always do or like, you know, those little mannerisms like bits or, like, you know, those little mannerisms like bits. like, yeah, what are your couple bits? Let me know. That is such a good question, and ultimately, I think
Starting point is 00:50:54 the little bits you have with your partner is our love language, for sure. Yeah. What are your bits? Do you know one of our first ones? What, the pizza one? No, like, she means this is an example. So, like, I would be,
Starting point is 00:51:09 do something kind of like crazy, and you'd be like, no physical comedy, please. Oh, right. Yeah, that was one of our, yeah. So then, like, that was very early on. Like, we were, like, playing volleyball, and I'd do something. You go, no physical comedy, please. And then that evolved into, I would, like, act a type of way, and you'd be like, be yourself,
Starting point is 00:51:32 which you still do to this day. Oh, yeah, be yourself, yeah. Be yourself. Well, I thought one of our jokes was that if we're at Walgreens and they say, do you have a phone number? I say, can I use my dead mom? landline. That's your dad jokes with the Walgreens person.
Starting point is 00:51:51 But it's like how Paige and I have are, you have to have bits with people and callbacks. I think callbacks are very fun. What's one of your ones with me? You're saying we have a one-sided bit relationship?
Starting point is 00:52:05 No, because you just... Well, I was thinking of the ones that make me laugh. The ones with you, you know what, it's funny, I was going to say we watch a lot of TV shows and then you
Starting point is 00:52:18 like to do impressions of the TV show after whatever we're watching and then I'll do it back or like for example right now we're watching the Rome Open and we started to go Quindici So then we'll randomly say that to each other so it kind of it evolves
Starting point is 00:52:33 My inside joke with you I'm I'm a little more I just go up to you and give you lots of kisses and then you're like starve oh yeah you you like you like to do like you like to like perform in front of me in a provocative way. But I'm,
Starting point is 00:52:51 I'm being gentle with the language here. And then I go, be yourself. Oh, wait, this is, and this is another one. I know what you're going to say? I wasn't going to do this one. So does always be like, you know what I want right now? No, no, because you'd say, what do you want? And I say, you know what I want.
Starting point is 00:53:11 And then you say, silence. but you know like without the vibe without our vibes but that is our bit where it's like you telling me you want less from me and me ignoring you and that's our that's our chemistry that's because i need someone to ground me and you need someone to add some some light yeah you need to need somebody to to to make me gentler or to just enhance your grumpiness yeah but i'm not really that grumpy you're right you know whatever we're not getting into it no we can tell them Some does fired me from a job yesterday. Then you pulled a woman card. You said, I'm PMSing, sorry. I did. You pulled the PMS car. What am I going to do then?
Starting point is 00:53:58 You know, what can I do on that? I actually, middle of it all, because we were trying to fix the couch. And let me just say, you were already in deep, and I was, like, behind. I didn't know how it was working. But also, let me just say that I didn't ask for your help. You offered. Well, you know, when your partner is, like, working on something right next you, you're like, okay, do you need help?
Starting point is 00:54:17 Because you're, like, grunting and, like, sighing and stuff. And I'm like, can I help you? And it was a nice thing to do for me to help you. But then I was in over my head. But anyway, during it, I was getting so frustrated that I literally had to pull open my flow app to be like, what am I getting my period? And it said your period's coming in four days. And I was like, oh.
Starting point is 00:54:37 The flow app goes through the different phases. And it was like, caution, you are in your bitch phase. But then, like, a couple days ago, they were like, your boobs are going to hurt. hurt really bad for no reason phase. I was like, awesome. So now when you realize that you're just like succumb to all your hormones, life is easier because you're like, oh, I'm not a bitch. I'm just, I'm just being myself.
Starting point is 00:55:01 Yeah. So anyway, we thrive on our kind of inside jokes. So I think it's really important for a relationship. I can't imagine how it would be tough if somebody was like into the messing around and somebody wasn't. Well, that happens in relationships when you meet a good look. person sometimes and you're like everything's a fucking joke to you yes but like sometimes I've definitely which it is by the way to us yes everything is a joke but some to some people it's not and then
Starting point is 00:55:30 that's called not compatible and I didn't realize one of Hannah's inside jokes is doing my accent oh yeah I'm always like what's cool what are you doing what's going on yeah I'm heyna what's so just like do that for you know sometimes under my videos people go hand is hand is a If Des is so spot on. I know. Well, I have to be in like a moment when you're saying something and then I'll do it. But yeah, it's pretty easy to do you. And then Aiden, your brother is slightly different because he mumbles a little bit more.
Starting point is 00:56:00 A little, I want to say calm, but mumbly. Oh, also we speak British a lot when we're on the phone for no reason. Do we? Every phone go, we go. Okay, bye, let's talk to you a bit. Oh, yeah. Okay, thank you. You know, you realize we're doing it.
Starting point is 00:56:14 You know, because we always made fun of my dad, so that's just like normal. Yeah, well, it's cute when an old bit from another, um, friendship or family thing turns into just continuing. Oh, yeah, but I was going to say, there's a lot of hot people you meet or tall men or whatever. And you were like, what? There's something missing in this relationship and I can't put my finger on it. And what I'd like to call it is if something happens in the room when you're hanging out with people and you make eye, contact with him, does he know how you're feeling? Say that again? I knew you weren't paying attention when I was talking. Just say it again. Sorry, Hannah, I'm also producing the pod. So give me
Starting point is 00:56:54 a touch of grace. So basically, when something happens in a room, like a person says something a type of way or something weird happens, first of all, are you guys making eyes? And second of all, are you feeling the same type of way about it or like you know how I felt type of thing? And that's how is best friends too and I've definitely been in relationships where I've looked over to the person and they're not even they didn't even realize the moment and they don't even connect with me over anything but it's like it's important to be able to communicate with your eyes or like even little and then little things happen like when you're both ready to go you know when sometimes the person can't even understand or see you where like you have a type person that you can literally nudge for a
Starting point is 00:57:38 second they know exactly what you want yeah I mean I need to be in I need to be in a relationship with somebody who's making fun of the people that are going to be at the party in advance, trying to pay attention if we were right, and then reviewing on the way home, right? Yeah, we need to review the performance. It's like somebody's going to turn up and do this. I like Charles Barkley and Shaquille before a basketball game. We're doing the, here's the predictions of what we think is going to happen.
Starting point is 00:58:06 You know, the next are going to play great tonight. And then afterwards, afterwards we'll be like, yeah, I told you. Or, wow, they actually pretty. It's what, we'll go, you know what? I was wrong about this person. They were great tonight. Yeah, they were good. We did recently have a hang where I was like red flag for that person.
Starting point is 00:58:19 They get a red flag for something they did that night. Oh, that's right. Another anonymous. And I was like, normally that person doesn't get red flags. I didn't see that coming from them. Interesting. I really hope they don't listen. All right.
Starting point is 00:58:37 Well, we do one more. We haven't done that many. There were so many, too. Well, we've been chatty. We've been chatty. but we're having a good time. Mm-hmm. We have fun here.
Starting point is 00:58:45 We have fun. Can we do a serious one? Okay. All right. Hi, Mom and Dad. This is kind of a heavy one, so brace yourself. It's more for Des. But what would be your advice for how to talk to someone who is recovering alcoholics
Starting point is 00:59:03 and, you know, how to talk to them about some of the things that they did when they were drinking, that hurt you in the past? My mom was an alcoholic my whole life. Uh-huh. And I don't really know how to talk to her about some things. She's been five years sober. And, yeah, asking you guys is way cheaper than therapy. So, yeah, love you guys. Bye.
Starting point is 00:59:29 Great dilemma. Wow. I mean, if your mom is five years sober, then I think you should have no concerns on trying to talk to her about aspects where you thought that she hurt you because of her drinking. Everybody struggles with talking to their parents about the aspects of their parenting that might have been difficult for them because that's like a more gray area because obviously the parenting perspective and the growing up perspective there's almost like a clash so that can be hard to decipher
Starting point is 01:00:03 who's wrong and who's right. But in this situation you can't deny the harm of her drinking. she's five years sobering she's been talking about that she's acknowledged that it was a problem that's why she stopped she knows she caused harm she wasn't causing harm she wouldn't be stopping and in actual fact not that your mom's doing AA I don't know if she is but it's surprising at five years that she hasn't come forward with some sort of amends
Starting point is 01:00:33 you know so I would suggest you'd actually be doing her a favor by stepping forward and saying, you know, there's one thing we never talked about which is the harm that you caused me, you know, and I want to get past it, but I have resentment. I mean, at the end of the day, like, that's very normal for you to feel that way, and it's really healthy for both of you to have it out.
Starting point is 01:00:58 100%. Do you think possibly she feels like, well, because she's not drinking now, like that was a different person, and we've solved it, where the daughter's kind of like, that's still effective? me. I have no idea what the mom's motivation is. I mean, there could be so many. Yeah. She could be just so guilty that she's
Starting point is 01:01:17 just been sort of putting it on the long finger. She could who... What's just putting it on the long finger mean? Oh, you don't? Just like putting it off? Is that another expression? Ray the Monroe set. Don't you make fun of Paige for having long fingers? Yes.
Starting point is 01:01:35 I think that's a James Bond movie, the long finger. No. It's gold finger. But, so I just, we could sit here all day and guess why the mom has been procrastinating it on this. Like, it could be that, like, she's in denial. Like, who knows? And it is a hard conversation.
Starting point is 01:01:55 That's, that's not easy. But, you know, but I'm pretty confident that this is good advice. I don't, you know, like, I really think, like, you have every right to go to your mom and be like, we need to discuss this because I'm still holding on to it. and it's real. And honestly, I'm going to make an assumption that your mother is actually going to respond to pretty positively, but the only reason why that might not happen,
Starting point is 01:02:19 which is one of the potential reason why she hasn't brought it up, is because she hasn't really accepted the harm that she's done. And then that will be difficult. And I hope that's not the case for you. But I still don't think, even if that was the case, I still don't think that's a reason to not have it out. Yeah. I also think you're not necessarily telling her, like, you're telling her how it affected you.
Starting point is 01:02:44 You, 100%. And that's your truth, and that's your honesty. Yes. I haven't had, I don't have parents who had alcoholism, but I do know a lot of people in general, you have this moment where you realize your parents are human. Yeah. And they were just figuring out as you were. Exactly.
Starting point is 01:03:02 And sometimes you have a story. They have a story in their head. do you have a story in your head? And sometimes when you express, like, I thought you thought this of me or I thought that this was our situation and they explained their side of the story, it can really heal to be like,
Starting point is 01:03:20 oh, it wasn't deliberate, they actually don't think this about me, it was their own coping stuff. So I think this conversation is very needed, but it is a difficult conversation, but sometimes difficult conversations is how you grow as a person. Yeah, and at the end of the day,
Starting point is 01:03:35 It is literally organizations that were created for people like you, adult children of alcoholics. I'm not telling you you need to go on any of the Allen on any of that. I'm not saying you need to do any of the 12-step stuff. But what I am saying is that your- Your feelings are valid. Yeah, and your predicament is like a well-documented predicament. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:52 So, like, it's one thing to be like, I wonder, was my mom a bad mom, or am I just like a selfish bitch? Yeah. But this is like alcoholism creates harm. Yeah. And also, if you're doing work on yourself and you're in therapy and you're having all these conversations trying to heal about things that happened in your childhood, sometimes going to the source is needed. Yeah, it's good. I think this kind of stuff is just good in general.
Starting point is 01:04:19 When you're an adult, you need to change that dynamic with your parents. Yeah. And maybe, again, I could be completely making this up. Maybe these conversations were very hard to have with her when she was drinking. And maybe now that she's sober, she will have a different response. to how she used to respond to things. We wish you the best. I'd love an update.
Starting point is 01:04:38 You know, you can keep it private, but... We'd love an update. We'd also love an invite to the lesbian wedding. Yeah, we want to go. Like, we're going to have to go now. I'm down to... I mean, that's iconic.
Starting point is 01:04:51 Like, I will go to that and be like, let's, like, go gay marriage. It's going to be in a church in the South. If you need a bishop to officiate, I got you. Good one, babe. There you go. Hannah hates puns. Hannah hates a pun.
Starting point is 01:05:06 I hate a pun. Okay, well, I guess we'll go, right? I mean, there's, we've been talked for an hour. Well, we have. I think we do a part two advice next week. Okay, because we have a lot. Because we're on a roll. You guys, I have a fun announcement coming up this week.
Starting point is 01:05:26 So check my Instagram. You know I always keep you guys fed. You will never be hungry. This isn't going to be up until tomorrow. you might as well just announce it okay I will I have a new show you guys know I've been working on what's it called and I'm officially going back on tour my second my sophomore season of my stand-up career yes and it's called the none of my business tour and I get a little more personal and equally as funny right and I'm so excited I haven't pitched it yet I don't even know
Starting point is 01:06:02 what the pitch is but oh right when you say you get a little more personal what are you including in that i talk about like my um kind of my come up and like college and some of the careers i had wow um i dabble in tennis a little always talking a little about mental health i talk about yeah like questioning what i should do with my life and what's my business versus none of my business yes great so hannah's new tours going on sale tomorrow right yep so that's monday the pre actually it might be officially on sale Tuesday and the pre-sale code is butter so everyone get on that um and i will be in the mohegan sun casino on the 29th of the 31st of may in connecticut and then the following again i'm also in connecticut but in stamford
Starting point is 01:06:46 more as new york suburban connecticut at the new york comedy club on uh friday saturday which i think it's the sixth and seventh of june and then for the hampton's people i don't have a date yet but i will be doing the canoe place inn yes uh and then how Hannah has added a date in West Hampton. Oh, yeah, I added a date in West Hampton. You guys, come to my West Hampton show. And we love you guys so much. Thank you so much, everybody.
Starting point is 01:07:13 Thanks for dialing in. Bye. Bye.

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