Berner Phone - Berner Phone #93: Dumb Stuff for Hot People

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

We've all stayed in a relationship a few months too long solely because the person was hot. The dialers are sharing stories of the craziest things they've ever done for a hot person.  Get tickets to Hannah's new tour Get tickets to see Des live 

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hi guys, it's mom and dads. It's mommy and daddy. And we are back. It's mommy.

Mum. Yeah, Mommy, you would say in that accent. Mommy. It's Mama Burner. And we are so excited. excited for another episode of Burner Phone. And we have a fun, a fun prompt. Yeah, you know, after two weeks of advice,

which, you know, can at times be on the heavier side, we decided to go light. Very light and fun. Are you going to admit where the prompt came from? Are we going to keep that a secret? Well, now that you've exposed me, I have to do it. Well, I haven't exposed you. You can choose to plead the fifth.

I put it into chat, GBT, and I said, what is a good prompt for Burner Phone? Can we say why we did that? Because I feel like we should put it out there about the prompt that we were thinking about and express why we didn't. And then maybe we could get some feedback from the dialers on if it is actually insensitive or not.

Well, I do have to say, we put a lot of thought into the prompt. Like, Des will think about it. He'll be like, that's not good enough of a prompt. We're very passionate about the right prompt. It can make a break in episode. So Des thought of a prompt, and then I decided, I thought it was a little insensitive. Well, you were concerned that could be perceived as such, because I, so the idea was inspired by us, because somehow I was talking to somebody and, you know, we were talking about me and you meeting and about how it was all due to the pandemic, that actually the pandemic, I think sometimes people can underestimate the profound changes that happened during the pandemic. And obviously, we do tend to focus on the negative stuff. And obviously, there was a lot of tragedy associated with the pandemic, which I am not.

not, you know, I am not saying that that's not the case. You're not down plan. No, but it did, the only reason we met and that we are married is because of the pandemic. That is an indisputable fact, right? Non-controversial fact. Because of the pandemic, it changed our lives, okay? So I was saying the prompt would be... For the better.

For the better. Yeah. So the prompt was going to be share a surprisingly positive change to your life. that happened as a result of the pandemic. But I guess it could be perceived as negative, especially by somebody who perhaps had quite a tragic result because of the pandemic. But at the same time, you know,

there is a lot of perceived negativity on things. You know, there's a lot of like light and dark in situations. So anyway, I do think you were right to express misgivings about the prompt, but I would appreciate some feedback on whether, that people think that that might be perceived as... Put it in the Spotify comments. Put it in the Spotify comments. Speaking of which, you need to add Charlotte to your tour

because in the Spotify comments, it said, Ed Charlotte, Des, I know you're looking at this. I love it they hold you accountable. You guys, none of my business tour is officially happening. The dates have been dropped. And I told you to message me other ones. I am adding more cities shortly

but right now make sure that you get tickets before they sell out I'm so excited for this new show for you guys to see it oh yeah and speaking of which since we always forget to do it up top I added West Hampton Beach August 14th I think

which is actually a few days after you do your weekend at West Hampton Beach I'll be doing the Thursday after that keeping it local and can we announce also the burn of phone listeners are going to be the dialers are going to be the only people

that receive this information okay so this is this is just for dialers we're not releasing this information anywhere else but for my Stanford shows next weekend so Stanford Connecticut Friday and Saturday early and late show

Hannah will be opening for me to work on some of the stuff that she's in the new show and hopefully because she's not under any pressure because she's just surprised guest, she can maybe spread her wings and try to add some tags to some of these new bits. And so Hannah will be cranking out some new material at my show. So only the dialers will learn this information.

We're sorry that it's only for people in the general tri-state area that perhaps have a chance to go. So Stanford, Connecticut, New York, come to go next weekend Friday and Saturday. So close to the city, right? And now you can't, now you can't back out. We'll have a weekend together. But in fairness, it was your idea originally. I wasn't pushing you to do that at all. That idea came from you.

I actually, besides when I was in Ireland, I've never opened for you. Is that correct? When I opened for you in Ireland, you were so stressed out. Well, that was early on, anyway. You were worried about. I also, I did have a lot of specific words in my set that, like, in Ireland, they say it differently, like, Advil. I was stressed because of that. I know how difficult.

Listen, I've seen. You know, I don't know, do you know the comedian, David Cross? Yes. From Arrested Development. I saw him at the airport the other week. Yeah, I, great comic. This is not a criticism of him, but I watched him absolutely struggle all weekend in Kilkenny about 20, 15, 20 years ago. You know, it's hard to, it's hard when you go across the pond.

So I was stressed about that. Anyway, let's not focus on that. Let's focus on the fun chatGBT prompt at hand. So the chat GPT prompt was, which is. The dumbest thing you ever did for a hot person. The dumbest thing you've ever done for a hot person. What comes to mind for you? Oh, God.

You know, I forgot, I kept saying, as I was doing the prompts, I kept saying to myself, think of, I mean, there's just too many, honestly. I couldn't think of any. This is going to be one of those where it's going to come to us throughout the episode. I feel like, yeah, because like, I mean, there was just a lot of like hanging around. Yes. Well, it's funny. I definitely like have changed my personality around hot people to reflect what I think they want to

hear but that's just you know being good at socializing am I right and you know definitely yeah a lot of situations that I didn't want to be in but yeah you're like waiting or like you're going to a place you would never go to and and And yeah, like putting your friends on hold because like this one dude might be somewhere, that kind of stuff. But I'm interested to see what the dialers say because I know that I'm going to have like shit come up.

But I've also like when you put someone on a pedestal when you first meet them, they're so perfect in your head that when you like first, like when you see them in the beginning, if it's just like someone in a friend group like not like a real date and you decide you have a crush on them like you don't know what to say

and like everything you say sounds stupid and then you're just like wow I never did anything like that I didn't want to do yeah me too hanging around for a long time is about the only thing that I really ever did I racked my brain trying to think like did I ever do like any crazy event

because I like somebody but I definitely never did but a lot of them a lot of people came in with them You have good boundaries. I mean, we both have decent boundaries. Also, I have broad tastes. Like, I'm quite happy to do. You're down, yeah.

Yeah, I'm like down to try stuff. So I never, there was never a time where I was like, why am I at this thing? I was going to say, like, I went to Queens a lot. That was before my time. You didn't go to Queens for me, yo. Not for you. Yeah, well, also my thing is. Like, I don't...

I mean, I've definitely... I've gone far. I've definitely gone far. You've driven. Have you ever... No, I've not just driven. Have you ever, like, traveled for somebody and then been, like, stuck there?

Because you're like, oh, shit, this person is not who I thought. You know, it's crazy. I've never... I don't think that's ever happened. I've never been, like, flown out. I've never... I was never a yacht girl. I'm pretty also, like...

I'm not that bold with those things. Like, I know some girls who would just be like, yeah, we're doing this. Like, if I didn't, I was always afraid of getting murdered. Like, I really felt like I was going to get murdered. Did you ever? I also got creeped out very easily. Like, I think I had a good creep.

Like, I knew when a guy was creepy. A creep radar. Yeah. Did you ever have anything that sort of, like, escalated online before you met somebody? I definitely. Or not before you met somebody. I have an exact.

I have an example of, yeah, there was this guy that I knew from like middle school that I saw on Hinge and he was like very handsome and I was more apt to like get talking to people who I like knew through someone or like kind of knew of and he was really good looking and we were texting like a lot like the whole week coming up to the date it was I was like this is my boyfriend and we're like texting texting and I'm like in my head I'm putting him everything he's saying I'm like oh he's cool like he's mysterious whatever. The second I met him. I was like, this is not what I envisioned his personality to be. And like immediately I was like, I need to get out of this. So I had a lot of that. I had, yeah, the guys where you're talking to for a while and then you get to there, the date and he's like doesn't look anything like the photo. I've had that experience. Guys being short. I had one where I met somebody in a situation where you know, it couldn't continue in person. But then

we kept in touch. And it, like, really escalated to the point where it was like, oh, my God, we're in a relationship. And then I traveled halfway across the world, and, like, within 24 hours, I definitely realized. I was like, oh, shit, this is, this is not what I thought. And then you're, like, on the other side of the world. Were you, it was mostly, like, texting, like, not phone? Because I feel like phone every time you realize. No, it wasn't just texting, but it definitely, there was no realization. And then it was like, oh, shit. I'm now on the other side of the planet and I'm like literally here for this purpose

and I've like wanted to get out of it. That was, that was, that's not exact. I guess that wasn't like because they were, they were hot. It was, that was more like, well, they were, but it was more like a misunderstanding of my emotions. Yeah. Okay. But you never felt trapped. I never felt trapped because I'm so afraid of being trapped with a man.

like that's my biggest fear um and also because when before like i did reality tv like my stuff was pretty private and then when i went public i only posted tweets so i never had like photos of myself out there so like i never dealt with the like guys like football guy DMing you um right and college i just was playing sports all the time so i kind of and my dad told me not to let boys distract you So that was my mentality, but I've been dumb around hot people, for sure. Yes. Like, I'm very much, like, I'll say the silly thing or the stupid thing or the funny thing. There is this really funny meme going around, not meme, like a video of girls being like, what you say when an unattractive person, an unattractive guy talks to you.

And you're like, hey, how are you? Awesome. No, oh my God. Like, you're so, like, warm and like, almost flirt. you're like it was so great to see you and then when you see someone you like you're like hey and you walk away like it looks like you're not into them

which definitely was me definitely was me yeah all right here was a big mistake somebody made okay the dumbest thing I ever did for a guy who was hot he was so hot I set him up with one of my friends I just thought it was going to be like the coolest move

and she was a lowst I thought it was like a low-stakes set up she was a low stakes kind of girl in the best way but i thought it was going to like read like a power play like oh wow she's so unattainable she so doesn't want me she's like giving me to one of her friends i was like wow chess doesn't stand i am a grand master in passive aggressiveness um anyway they fell in love and they have two kids now and they live in chicago so such is life i mean it's kind of like Like a fail, but a win. My God.

A fail but a win. Look, obviously I don't know men, but what I know about men is that men take things very literally. Like you're like, go be with my friend. The guy's like, okay, she doesn't like me. Like, they would never see through that. But yeah, like you ended up being too cool, but you got really too cool. But they love each other, which is great. Yeah, it was their destiny.

Yeah. um you know i i honestly like all the tactics that people have like so often they're just so not as as slick as you think yeah well i what i've learned like the planet cool thing is just overrated what i learned is yeah like no one's going to fall for you because of like a move or a trick or a post it's an overall energy um and that's what helped me with dating is knowing like you can't fuck it up if he likes you, unless if you try to do some crazy thing to get his attention. It's like if he likes who he likes you.

I mean, I think it was meant to be. Yeah. You know, I hope you found your own love, Tyler. You know, that's the most important thing. You sound like a love coach. I hope you found your soulmate. This is a funny one. Be after your own heart here, Hannah.

So I was seeing this guy for a few weeks. Of course, it felt like years. And every time he came over to my apartment, he was obsessed with my in-unote washer and dryer. He thought it was so cool. But important to note that it's a two-and-one. So one load takes about two to three business days. But anyways, he was new to New York. So he was lugging his laundry to like a laundromat, whatever. And one Sunday night, he texts me. And he's like, like, hey, like, can I use your laundry machine? And of course, I said yes because I thought it was like him wanting to come over and play house and we were going to hang out. And like, we lived a few blocks away, but a little laundry mat was definitely closer to his apartment. But I was like, he chose to come to my apartment. So he drops off his stuff and like a trash bag. There was a laundry in, um, leaves and then like text me later to flip the laundry, which like fine to dry it. And then he comes back to pick it up a few days later and says thank you. And that was it. ever saw him again.

Well, that's hard because, like, honestly, I'd be like he's obsessed with me. He could not be with me and do his laundry or be with me and do his laundry. And that's what he wanted. I'd be like this man, like, loves me. I mean, what's worse, feeling like you got used for your body or feeling like you got used for your fucking laundry, for your washing machine? Yeah, you at least learn. Which hurts more?

Like the fact, because, what, go ahead? Yeah, you at least want to be complimented on your body, not like, because of whatever laundry was already in your apartment that you didn't pick. No, but I mean, the fact that he said, can you flip it for me? Oh, that's fucked up. Yeah, that's fucked up, man. Yeah, that's like, that's almost like, it's almost like he has like a, like a slave master kink. It's like, I'm don't, I've already used you.

And now I'm going to get one little last kick out of it. That's like those guys in school that would try to get girls to, like, do their homework and shit. Yes. I try and remember if I fell for that. If I thought a guy was, like, funny and he was like an athlete, I'd be like, sure, whatever.

But a hot guy, I'd be like, no. I never got anybody to try to do my homework. I mean. Well, you're smart. No, but like, I wasn't doing my homework either. You're like, I didn't think about that way to get around it. Yeah, I just never thought, like, oh, that,

I never thought that was an option. I don't think I had enough confidence in myself to think like, oh yeah, you gotta get some street cred. She'll do anything for me. All right, this is a, we've discussed this topic before, but, you know, I really believe that this is something that's not discussed enough. Honestly, the dumbest thing I've done for a guy

is shave my pussy. Like, what the fuck are we doing? Amen. I mean, you know, you know, I can't talk about this enough. So funny. Oh, my God. okay this just unleashed a whole new memory bank for me this is great because you you know you even

still to this day in marriage you have like a I'm hairy paranoia you know it's like I have you'll be like I haven't shaved I don't give a fuck I'm from a time before that the shaving thing is so interesting because girls also like you'll be going out with a guy or you know you're partying with him and in your head for whatever reason you're like I'm not hooking up

with him tonight. So you don't shave. So you don't shave. Never works. Yeah. Because then you're just there. Like you try to trick yourself. But yeah, shaving like little parts of your body that like are impossible to get and then cutting yourself, shaving your toes. Oh my God. I just don't get it, man. I just don't get why. Shaving my nipple. What? Shaving my nipple. Every now and then you get like a rogue nipple hair. You got shave it. And then you get, like shaving bumps around your nipple. Do you, you, but why don't you just like snip it?

Because it's... Why are you shaving your nipple? It's not, it's around the nipple, not like, not like coming out of... But if it's one rogue hair, are you, are you in denial? Are you saying that you're getting a hairy chest? I'm not snipping it.

I'm, I want it to be shaved to the root. To the root. Yeah, I'm not like... You wouldn't just pull it out? I'm not good at pulling out hairs. It's... Really? Yeah.

Next time I have a nipple hair, you can pull it out for me, okay? Wow. This podcast just got wild. Yeah. I mean, I have six chest hairs. All the hair stuff I relate to so much, and you're like, have no idea what it's like. No, but listen, I'm anti-people feeling obligated to shave, you know? I just wish that evolution of humanity didn't happen in my lifetime.

Wait, let's think of something dumb we did. when we were dating each other. Oh, what? Starting off, I had, like, an outfit picked for our first date. I was going to wear jeans and, like, this, like, cute black top. And it was so fucking hot that day, and I'm sweating profusely. We were outdoors eating, and I'm, like, at the point where it's, like, really bad. Because I think I'm also hyped up because of the discussion.

So I'm, like, hyped up because of that. I'm sweating. and at one point I think you put your hand on my back and it was like soaked with sweat the whole time and that was just so like I could have easily worn shorts but in my head I was like no this is the outfit I want to wear and said I suffered the whole time in sweat yeah I mean you had you had sweat paranoia that whole date

and I literally didn't give a shit I mean something dumb I did for you maybe not tell a single soul that I was going to go into reality show for three days just to hang out with you? That was so... That was so dumb. Like Lily didn't tell my agent

in case he'd be like, what are you out of your fucking mind? No, going on the reality show was the dumbest thing you ever did for a person. That worked out. It was a worthy investment. It was worth the insane stress. All right, so let's, uh,

let's, let's, let's crank it up into high gear here. I watch four-hour Mets games every day. Hey, you don't have to watch those. I watch tennis all day. So you, you know, you, and the tennis season is all year. Do you know what was also dumb is we would talk to each other every night at like 1 a.m. To like, that wasn't dumb. 3 a.m.

That wasn't dumb. It wasn't dumb, but it was a little crazy. No, that was, it was totally fine. That was young love. That was middle-aged love. Early love, but this is funny. Hey, guys. Let me just preface this by saying this guy wasn't hot, but my ex-boyfriend had got bit by a dog.

So I drove with him to an urgent care. And his mom didn't like me. So he was like, hey, you should probably hide in my trunk. So I hid in the trunk. When his mom came, I hit in the trunk. And yeah, that was probably my lowest moment, I would say. Definitely live with that regret. And he was ugly.

that is so Hopefully he doesn't listen to this Probably doesn't He has no sense of humor So yeah Tell me guys Bye That is so funny

Also that's one of those moments in life Where you're like How do we get here Hannah Yeah why am I in this trunk You always have to pee You always have to go for a piss When you're hiding Fully kidnapped

I should have changed this Because now that I'm thinking about it The dumbest stuff I've done Was for like The not hot guys That like you thought was like a charity case and then suddenly you're like doing

it's always the below average looking guys that trick you well no but it's also afterwards that you're like what the fuck was I think that this guy wasn't worth it you know yes no 100% but it is funny how but like I mean

what a pussy this guy is like this girl has taken you to urgent care because you got bit by a dog and then she has to hide no this is not okay not okay at all you did you had you had a relationship where you had to be kept secret yes

I actually did it did remind me I was I was dating a guy who had religious very religious parents and she didn't like that he was with a non-religious girl like me

and we were playing tennis together and he was like my parents are coming you have to hide not non-specific religion just for the record it wasn't that you were non-religious but you weren't the right religion I wasn't the right religion

just to clarify By the way, I'm not saying that you're religious I'm just saying that this was very specific to you with the wrong religion as far as his mother was concerned. Yes. It's so, I mean, I'm so mad because I wish I had like more stories

but I honestly always had a nonchalant where like I was kind of like if he doesn't like me like that's fine. I know like there have been times where I've been nervous like to speak up about things. Like I remember once again I was in a guy's house and it was like I was really hot.

and like I like for some reason wanted to be like really laid back and didn't ask like can someone put the air conditioner on because I just wanted to be so chill so you didn't ask for the AC yeah like I just wouldn't speak up for things like I was so I guess you fucking I guess you learned your lesson on that one hence I have to fucking freeze my ass off my fucking own bedroom every day of my life I didn't realize I didn't realize it was PTSD that was inspiring that yeah it was more just me like being down for everything no complaint But it's okay, you don't have to keep, I don't know why, why do you feel like you need to come up with this? Because I haven't gotten a good funny story yet, so I'm working through it.

Let's go to the next one. You're upset? I think that something might come. It's not about you, Hannah. It's about the dialers. True. Just trust in the dialers. This is cute.

Hi, Hannah and Des, big fans. Hannah, I've seen you in person twice, big giggler. Anyways, this man was so fine that. During COVID, I would stay with him in his grandmother's basement every night. Went over again and again. I would even bring his grandma muffins. The red flags were so high, but I just kept going back. And then one day he showed up and told me that he was having a baby with his ex-girlfriend.

Honestly, the breakup with the grandma was harder than the breakup with him. anyways love you guys bye I know you can't fall in love with the grandma but you know what I totally see that where like you're like

at first you're like this is weird and then you like make it make sense in your head you're like this is so cute like he's with his grandma and I know it's like different

but like I love how close he is with his family like there's so many ways to talk yourself into that you're like the grandma's my everything I mean she could have

kept the relationship gone with the grandmother yeah yeah that happens sometimes people end up with like these relationships guys i got to tell you about the best headset on the market the turtle beach gen three stealth 700 headset father's day's coming up for all the gamer dads out there you want to take it to the next level get your dad the best headset on the market with crystal clear audio ultra comfy ear cushions and an 80 hour battery life he can lock

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this is kind of a meat cute. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des. So the dumbest thing I have done for someone hot is completely change my plans about what college I was going to be going to after high school. The guy I was talking to was going to a school two hours away from mine, and I wanted to be closer, obviously. So I transferred very last minute, and three months in, I dropped out of college, got pregnant, and got married a few months after. That was eight years ago, were two kids in.

So eight years ago, it looked really dumb, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. So I'm glad I did it. See, sometimes you've got to be, sometimes you've got to be dumb. She was kind of going with her gut in the moment, that young love. But, you know, by the time she's, you know, still young, all her kids are going to be in high school. I mean, she's going to be in college. She's going to have an empty nest. Everyone's going to be jealous.

Oh, I mean, that's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. that is the way to do it I mean what was I thinking God yeah you just should have gone a girl pregnant you can be done already

I have a couple of friends that had like you know accidents and their grandfathers already Jesus I know Jesus Mary and Joseph I know they're already

grandfathers but they're married with two kids that's wonderful so it was worth the risk another dumb thing I did for you was ski I would have, if you weren't hot, I would have never skied.

I was terrified. Hannah, we were engaged by the time you skied. Like, you can't say you did that. Because, again, we were already engaged. What are you talking about? Yeah, but you're still doing something dumb for a hot person. Yeah, I mean, like, I just, that wasn't dumb. I'm trying to think, like, college.

Why do you keep? Pay attention to the stories You can't concentrate Because you keep trying to take It's something else that you've done I don't know what it is about marriage Like five years in I literally forgot every other person I've ever known

We're not married, we haven't been married for five years We've been married for three True But we've known each other for five years But from the day I met you I thought we were married I said that's my man That was the beginning of the end

I said that's my man's Okay, so this is This is also kind of a meat cute But it's a guy So Hey there Love you both Part of the 1% of your male listeners

Dumbest thing I ever did for a hot woman Was spend my layover with her In her car in the parking structure Of a major airport So last year I got to know a woman Through Instagram in the DMs And we decided that I needed to come over And spend some time with her to get to know her

really well, which I did. Later that year, she knew I had a layover, and she says, hey, you need to come over and spend some time with me and get to know me really well again, which I did in the parking structure. She finished because I'm a gentleman, and there I was running through the terminal, no shoes on. The door was closed at my gate. They opened the door and said, anybody else for this flight, and I jumped at the chance and got onto my plane. It was not worth it because the anxiety alone was horrible. However, I've been there again, and she's coming to see me next month. So that's pretty cool.

It was worth it. It's like a George Clooney movie. I was going to say, this sounds like a fun, like, rom-com. Yeah. I mean, you know... It's adventurous. Yeah. I mean, you know, if you, to me, it sounds like the best layover ever. I mean, he just... The problem with him is he was trying to be a gentleman, he nearly missed his flight. Yeah. Because she took too long to come. She said, I'm coming soon, which means she's not coming for a while.

I'm almost there. Are you trying to get me to do my joke? No, but I just was acknowledging that it was your joke. When she says, I'm close, she's not close at all. I love that. I love that he, some people also get off on the anxiety of, yeah, being a public place or also that you, like, have a time constraint. Like some people like fear, which I don't because I have enough just stress.

I don't need to add that on. But I do think it's worth, I think it's worth to try to, I mean, if I was him, I would have, like, probably changed my flight to have, like, a longer layover so that I could go to an airport hotel or something. But I feel like pilots. The parking structure is exciting. Pilots and flight attendants have, like, crazy layover stories, probably, because they're fucking.

Like, they have people in different area codes, and they have a whole system, like, Del Dock is what I envision. You think so? Yeah, that's what I think. So do you think this story is romantic or do you think it's a little like dirty? Are you judging him or are you praising him? No. Wait, did he say he's a pilot?

No. Oh. No, I'm praising him. I think it's fun. I think it's cool and I love that she came, period. And it might work out. I mean, they're meeting up again. Yeah, I love that.

You know, Instagram DMs is like, I, there's a lot of relationships that come from that. Yeah, I mean, we're married because of it. But I also think that people are, people, you know, do I was like, people, you ever think about Instagram DMs? But also, I think that Instagram, I wonder what the stats are on how much people use Instagram like a dating site. You know, because I'd say these days, especially because I think there's a lot of names. negativity towards the dating apps. I'd say Instagram is up there. Well, Instagram, it's so easy

also to, like, you see a friend, they post a photo, there's someone who thinks attractive, you follow them, you like three photos. If they felt like photos back, easy, hi, what's up? Like, period. Easy, Slay. Sorry, I'm Genzi right now. No, but here's the thing.

We're not going to talk about anybody that we know, but what do you think about like when the super famous person slides in the DMs are you immediately skeptical because like if you get super super famous person in the DM then you know that like they've got a lot of options in the DM department are you giving in because this is just hypothetical are you giving in because of the excitement of meeting up with a celebrity or are you going wait a minute bro look you got to live life for the story so right I think it's you go in with

no expectations you're not like oh this guy saw me and thinks i'm his soulmate it's more like okay i'm on the roster and let's be playful and light and not jump on a plane but like let's see what happens because then you could tell your friends about it and it's funny but then the thing is that how many like how many times has said celebrity slid into the dms it's clearly their thing like that's what they do that's the thing i feel like they either do it or they don't um No, of course, listen, I slid into yours, so I'm not saying it's a thing. But then I would argue that maybe... But I slid into yours when I saw that you followed me back.

Yes. I also would argue that the bigger ones, they can't be too Lucy Goosey in the DMs, or it'll start coming around where all the girls start to be like, oh, yeah, he was in my DMs too. Like, it's word spreads fast. I mean, since we've met, you've had a few Lucy Gooseys in the DMs. I mean, I'm not going to mention any names, but they weren't exactly fucking small fry. No, I've had a couple... So I don't, I don't, I think a lot of these people, they don't have the self-restraint, despite their level of celebrity.

They don't have the self-restraint, so they are still pretty loosey-goose. But they also might have thought, because I had some level of verified, that I wouldn't be spreading it. Like, maybe they felt like I would keep my mouth shut, which obviously I don't. Maybe, yeah, because you're married. Oh, yeah. Well, they don't know. The funniest thing was The day before my Bachelorette I got a DM slide

And Paige and I were dying laughing Yeah exactly Because you have to create the illusion Of decentering men When you're literally going to be your fucking bachelor's I literally was going to reply to the DM Being like, I'm my bachelor's But yeah

It's easy to slide into the DMs It's very low effort So take it with a grain of salt When a guy slides into the DMs But you also can marry that man. So there's, yeah, there's a lot. But I do think social media, I've definitely done dumb stuff. Like, it's like you've a crush and you go on Facebook like every night just to see if they're there.

And then the aim, oh, there's a lot of aim. Oh, a lot of aim stuff. A lot of overthinking texts. And also, I feel like you post so differently when you're single first when you're in a relationship. I post Crocs every day on my Instagram story. I'm married, you know? Yeah. Although I don't know how, I don't know how,

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As you guys know, butter, my daughter is my entire life. We've been having a very fun week because I haven't been on the road. So butter and I've been cuddling and playing and purring and lots of pets. And as I've become more of an adult, I've realized I want to feed my daughter the best food possible. And that's why you should check out our next sponsor, Smalls. Small's cat food is protein-packed recipes made with the preservative free ingredients you'd find in your fridge and it's delivered right to your door. I love that because I don't want to go anywhere and butter deserves the highest quality food possible. She's obsessed with their pork paté, which she loves it, and she prefers it way more than her previous cat food.

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plus an additional 50% off your first order by using my code burn. That's an additional 50% off when you head to Smalls.com and use promo code Burn. Again, that's promo code BERN for an additional 50% off your first order plus free shipping at smalls.com. This is a story about how you can't change your personality for anybody. the craziest thing I did for a hot guy was I pretended I was vegan and then over the years it didn't work out with him

then over the years I actually kind of became vegan and then I became a crazy activist and then I was breaking into slaughterhouses illegally and stealing animals I was nuts and then I met a hot guy and I pretended I wasn't vegan and now I'm not vegan anymore so hot guys had been steering the ship of my dietary choices for a while.

Wait, this prompt is so good. This is so fucking funny. But also, look, veganism is very divisive in relationships. Like, it can, like, guys are like, I'm a dating a vegan or, like, I only date vegan. Like, it actually really affects your dating life. So that's- There's a really funny clip going around of Bella Ramsey and, uh, Ramesh Rathangan, who's a comedian, you know, he's like an Indian comic from the UK. Have you seen it? Mm-mm.

It doesn't matter, but it's really funny because Ramesh ends up making Bella Ramsey laugh in a way that's, like, so cute. You know, because she's like uncontrollably laughing. I love her. I love her. It's really funny because, you know, Ramesh is a vegan, and Bella's like, well, yeah, I'm a vegan. Well, she goes, well, vegan-ish, I eat eggs. And he goes, oh, so, like, you're not. So anyway, but worth it, worth a watch.

But, you know, vegans, like, this story isn't really just about changing your diet. She didn't just change your diet and it became her whole life. That's so funny. I mean, I was proud of myself. In college, I dated a very religious, like, born again. And he wanted me to go to Bible study and I refused. But I did once in college, the athletes. had these like mopeds that they'd use and we'd you had to go from like gym to class to your

apartment it'd always be really cold and like double scooting is what they called it is illegal like if you double scoot it's unsafe and you could get a ticket or whatever and if the guy was hot like it was cool to be like let's double scoot and you'd like jump on with him and hold him and it was like this whole thing so once I this guy was like double scoot with me and I was like okay and then we saw like a police came and like I he like chucked me off the motorcycle or I jumped off I just remember like literally being like in a bush while he like was on his motorcycle um and are you comparing this level of rule breaking to breaking into slaughterhouses and stealing animals no hers is so good hers is so good oh my god i mean that's

wild though because because here's the thing right i actually find veganism to be very noble. Like I I never really I don't really do that many vegan jokes. I made the one joke about some of the bullshit arguments that vegans say that are not factually correct in relation to drinking milk

but actually like I don't like a lot of the sort of lazy jokes that make fun of vegans you know? Because I really admire actually the cause. However I do think it's fucking crazy that she becomes a vegan

because of this guy, which is fine. Then she gets so into the lifestyle that she's like an activist. But her conviction is so weak that she loses it for the next guy. And now she eats me. That's crazy. And I mean, we love you.

You're a dialer, but that is fucking insane. But I get it. It's almost like the veganism. That level, though, like when you're into breaking into slaughterhouses, essentially you're into cult category. Yeah. Well, it's radicalized to an extent.

So I think it's great that you were unradicalized. But I also love. love how passionate she got about something. I think she just fully commits. But also, your partner does shape, like, your perspective on life. Like, my partner, like, you could open my eyes to things I didn't know about. But it is, it's true. This is a perfect answer to when someone's hot, everything else goes out the window.

I know. I mean, I'm not going to get into any of this stuff. But I definitely have seen some people's politics change because of their partner. And it's not always girl, you know, it's both sides of the sexual divide. Yes. You know? I also, for girl, I was definitely susceptible to, like, the tall thing where, like, I like tall guys. So one thing that helped me was envisioning.

Like, if this man was, like, 5'9 with that face, would you put up with this shit? And most of the time, it's a no. No. Not with you. You have a very nice... That's hyatism. No, but there's a lot of, like, ugly-ass tall dudes that have real tall privilege.

And then you have to think, like, oh, my God, he just genetically has long legs. Like, that's all we're dealing with here. I was just about to say something there, and it's gone out of my head. Oh, yeah. That was actually, I think, the best slash funniest scene of the White Lotus

is when the three girls are talking, and they realize that one of them has diverged, politically from... Oh, yeah. From each other. That is so funny. She's like, they are good people.

They are good people. But it's just such a great scene because that's America, man. Yep. That is... That's the division. That is America. Also, you know what... Also, I do...

Because I like sports, that's been easier for me, but a lot of my friends have, like, literally hate sports and have, like, had to learn all about, like, the Yankees and then go to, like, all the Yankees games. Oh, right. It's just, that's, like, a pretty common one. By the way, I never forced the Mets on you. You just kind of got into it. No, I love the Mets.

LGM. And, but, but in fairness, I was a huge tennis fan before I met you. So that was a thing that we immediately bonded over was that we both, like, sitting in front. I just wouldn't have watched, like, you know, these small tournaments where, like, people are playing. Like, during the pandemic, we were watching tournaments that I never would have watched, like tennis channel, midweek. Like, they're on literally, like, like, public park courts. Yeah.

It's like ranked 500 players. And you'll be like, oh, yeah, I want to watch this one. Honestly, in my 20s, it was just also a lot of, like, you go to his place and you're just, yeah, like, whatever he wants to do, you're down. Anal. No, I'm just kidding. But you're, you're just like, you don't have any needs or wants. like I was very good at

and it's consistently moved to goal post on that promise that she made but anyway we won't get into that. You're saying I have too many needs or wants now? No, I was referring to the quick joke that you made and moved off of. Oh, about anal? You've made numerous.

By the way, I don't need it or want it but I just think it's funny because you were like, yeah, when this happens, Anyway, I don't know what the latest one is. I can't remember. I don't know what your latest gold post was. Check your coupon card.

Yeah. What is it now? It's like, oh, when after our third born. Anyway, I'm only kidding. All right, let's have a couple more before we have to go. By the way, we forgot to say at the beginning that I am in Mohegan Sun, Connecticut, Uncissville, Connecticut. And Hannah is in West Hampton.

And so we are not together in this particular episode. And we're on the clock for this particular episode. Because, you know, Mohegan's Son, they do a six o'clock show on a Saturday. Hell yeah. And it's Saturday, by the way, for people that... And a lot of people have been asking, you know, officially our broadcast date is meant to be Saturday. It kind of became Sunday, but lately has been Monday. But just in case people were wondering, it is actually meant to be Saturday, officially.

But we apologize that we are late a lot of the time. But we will eventually get... During the summer, we're going to be way more on track. We're going to be together all summer. And hopefully we can get some more video going during the summer. We're going to set up a room. And actually, can we just jump off the prompt for a sec? This was very cute.

This came in. Hi, Hannah and Des. I know this is not related to the prompt, but I had to tell Hannah a story about my cat because I'm pretty sure at one point she said that butter also likes earwax. So my cat is also an earwax slut. And I left my headphones out.

They're like little the beats headphones. So they have a little container or the earbuds. And she figured out that if she knocks them off the counter, she can get the case to open. And she also separated the little squishy piece that goes like deep inside your ear from like the hard. piece and luckily she only ruined like the squishy part and my earbuds are still fine but

this made me think that it might be a good idea for a prompt to tell you stories about our cats love you guys don't tempt me with a cat episode don't tempt me wait that cat had the time of her life she was like I hit the jackpot yeah because cat was like it's time to rage but butter is very specific like she only really likes your earwax like she will lick my finger a little bit with my earwax but like she will like go to town. Look she prefers my brand she prefers my brand big on hand is earwax but again like butter

I feel like if you continuously did it she'd eventually get more into it get a taste for my earwax yeah but she's oh she's right here she's yeah she likes my brand she has good taste but that's a pretty that's like a pretty smart cat

yeah that cat I mean all cats are geniuses yeah and butter is like you know So when we shift butter from one place to the other, butter, no cat likes change, but butter is particularly resistant to change. And I'm sure you've read between the lines over the years

that butter is a difficult cat. I mean, did you show Butter the Daphne commercial from Dunkin' Donuts, Paige's commercial? Yeah, I said, butter, we're leaving money on the table here, but you have a terrible attitude. I was going to leave a comment on the video, but I just didn't want the gigglers to, like, attack me because they get so defensive of butter.

but I wanted to basically be like, what are you watching this? This fucking Johnny come lately, Daphne, is fucking making dollars. Well, that's the thing. It took me six years to get paid to get a cat, and she's going to be the face of fancy feast.

Yeah. Did you say that on Giggly Squad? No. That's funny. I'm not joking. That's funny, though. That's a fact. No, but like,

and Daphne has, like working hours, like documents, she's like her own LLC, basically. Yeah. But look, you know, I'm reporting page. I'm reporting page. I don't think, I don't think Daphne got paid. I don't think she has a separate contract. I want to see, I want to see that cat's modeling permit. Yeah, is Daphne, is she saving the money for Daphne to go to college one day? Yeah. But anyway, the thing is that Butter doesn't like change. And last year, I think we talked about it, but we had an incident where Butter found a way to get like in between the floors. So she found a way to get like we couldn't get her. It took us a week and a half to get her out of this spot. And then we got

her out and I thought that I had, you know, blocked up the situation with a box that I thought was pretty heavy. Yeah, you had a chair also. And this fucking bitch fucking pushed the damn thing out of the way. She must have had like mom strength. Superhuman strength. Yeah. And she She broke in. And she also, like, she opens doors. She opens cabinets. Yeah, the opening door thing I get. You know, I've seen other cats do that.

But it was the strength to move the box that shocked me. I couldn't believe it, actually. When she does not want to be somewhere, she is going to get out of it. And by the way. They're escape artists. By the way, I want to point out that how she even found a way up to this place originally was insane. I mean, we're talking like she checked. Every, like, orifice in this house.

There was a, like, tiny hole at the top of the laundry room. Like, it was so small that we were like, no way, is that what happened? No, and she got in, and then she was living in the top of the house for the first week. And then finally, finally after, like, three days, we saw, like, the small reflection of her eye, like a fucking raccoon hiding in a hole. And she needed food. But anyway, she's sitting next to me now. She's loving the house. Yeah, making no fucking.

money for this family you know once I did a moving thing I mean I don't think I got paid but I did a moving collaboration and I held butter in the photo and she was in a a beer one once really but it's I can't guarantee people that she's going to be available to work it just what when we took it to the it was a selfie literally a selfie with her when we took her to the vet they gave us like the description what was going on and they were like we had to sedate her because you She's so spicy. That's what they call it in the vet term spicy. She's spicy.

And I went to pick her up. You weren't with me when I went to pick her up. And the vet goes to me, is she feral? No, literally she's like, has she ever, like, let a human touch her ever? Yeah. It's like, did you just find this cat? But that's why the fact that she, like, lies on you and purrs, like, you don't even understand what a miracle that is. Yeah.

But she's great with me. She's, she's really your cat. All right, let's, uh, all right, we got to do one more. Then we got to, do you want kicked out of the gay bar? Since you're in the lesbian Illuminati now that you went to the Liberty game. Or do you want, by the way, dialers, Hannah is in with the lesbian aluminati. She went, the power lesbians of New York. Yeah.

The, the Alesbinati. Renee Stubbs Who else? Well, are all those people Lesbians, by the way? I was just like assuming it, but I was just about to list off names and then I was like, wait a minute,

I don't want to start fucking... No, look, they're the power lesbians of New York City and they get shit done and they run shit and look, I'm an ally. They love you, man. I'd say a couple of those celebs

that slid into your DMs are fucking from their lesbianity. Anyway, Do you want kicked out of the gay bar or do you want Mormon? Those are your option. Let's do gay bar because Mormon's traumatizing. Okay. Let's do gay bar for 200, Alex.

So I was at a gay bar when I was 20 and had the absolute massive hots for this girl. And she got kicked out of the gay bar because she wasn't facing the drag show. And the drag queen yelled at her and kicked her out. Classic. And then I ran outside to support the hot girl in her time of need. And she was like, I think I'm just going to jump over the wall to get back in instead of lining up. Because they're not going to let me back in. And I was like, oh, it's a little spicy, a little bit athletic.

But yeah, absolutely. That's, sure, I'm here with you. And she was like, bip-bup, bip-pip, jumped over real quick, real nimble, got in. And I was just like this fat kid just like caught on the walls, climbing. and next to the gay bar was the police station and so they saw me on their cameras and came out and pulled me down and I got done for trespassing

had to go to court but that night I did make out with her so not all bad see worth it but that's the thing you were helping to her rescue and it's it's giving a little pretty privilege you know she was able to just hop back in

and you're stuck there but sometimes bad things happen to good people. I don't think she was saying she was fat. I think she was saying, like the fat kid, you know. Oh. I think. I don't want to. I think she was using, like, the imagery of like in a movie, you know, the fat kid gets stuck.

Yes, but she was the one that, yeah, no. But that's the thing. You're not thinking logically or legally sometimes even when you're around hot people. It's, it is crazy because it definitely is like a dopamine hit on your brain, but you you it's honestly talking to a hot person is sometimes equivalent to like meeting a famous person where suddenly you don't know how you ever used to speak you're like okay let's be normal what was my normal

and did it was I ever normal and why can't I just be like that like where did she go and then you have to rethink everything you said to be like was that fucking weird can we please also talk about how fucking bitchy and precious, the drag queens can be, like, kicked her out for not looking at the show. Imagine if comics did that. No one would be at the show. No, but comics do kind of do that in the sense that, like, comics will, like, comics will be kidding. Why are your arms crossed?

Comics will be killing it. And then they'll be like, hey, you, you haven't laughed the whole show. It's like, why you fucking, the room, everyone's laughing. Why you focus on this one non-laffer? How many clips of that have you seen? Yeah, well, a lot of, uncross your arms. Why are your arms crushed? Yeah, exactly, like whatever. But they don't get kicked out, though. Unless it can get heated. Drag queens and comedians are more similar than different, I'm realizing.

Yeah, that's what you're right. You know they walk off stage and like crowds suck tonight. Yeah. They're mostly men. They're men. So, anyway, sensitive male egos. Well, this is, honestly, these were really, really funny. Yes, thank you.

So thank you so much. And controversial too. We use chat GPT. Oh my God. Yep. But I thought it was a good suggestion. It was a good suggestion. I feel like chat GPT was inspired by the fact that you have jokes about like things you've done for a guy.

It definitely knows like my sense of humor, which is kind of creepy and weird. But, um, yeah. No, I, this is the thing. What, in conclusion, we do dumb stuff around hot people and what do we do? We laugh at it. We laugh at ourselves. We use it on podcasts. so you do it for content.

We learn. We grow. And try to get to know them enough to realize they're not perfect and take them off a pedestal so you could act like yourself again. Hot people aren't always perfect, is what we've learned. Exactly. Yeah, a lot of them.

Just because they have perfectly symmetrical faces doesn't mean they have symmetrical innards. Yeah, and they haven't suffered enough. I just said innards, yeah. And if you want to see a bunch of men being triggered, about other men's perceived hotness. Go look at the comments under my straight white guy privilege video. It's very funny.

Oh, my God. A lot of men get very angry. Because I jokingly say, you know, I'm the worst type of straight white guy, good-looking straight-white guy. A lot of triggered men in there. If you're bored, check out the comments. It's crazy. It's the men and the women aren't. It's all the men.

And then the gay men and women are like under the comments being like, he's clearly hot. Like, get over. Because there's some, there's some, like, guy that's like, who told this guy he was hot? And then you go on their profile and, you know, whatever, you know, there's always, there's always a crosser in American flicks. And then, and then, you know, there's all these people like attack it. Anyway, it's very fun. So listen, we're going to go, as I said, Stanford, Connecticut, check it out.

West Hampton Beach, Long Island for both of us. And always leave. Prompt suggestions in the DMs in the Spotify comments. Like, subscribe, spread the word about the pod. Follow us on Instagram because we post the prompts on our Inso stories randomly. We try to do Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday. But the link is always the same. So the link is, you know, get the link.

When you see the link, get the link and save the link. I think this link is actually in this description of the podcast. And then, you know, don't be afraid to send anything that's on your mind also. Thanks for dialing in guys. We'll talk to you later. Bye. So there was this guy that I was like childhood friends with. We knew each other in high school and I had the biggest crush on him.

And I came across his hinge profile. So naturally I thought he was. would be the funniest thing in the world to copy every single one of his prompts. Obviously, we match, we're chatting, whatever. He doesn't realize that I copied all of his prompts. Like, none of these are my own words. I literally, word for word, copied everything he said. And one of the prompts was about this book series.

So he is mind blown. I've read this book series. He's like, oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't know this. Like asking me all these questions, I start speed reading. I look up everything about the book series. I am reading this god-awful book series to try to connect with him. And I also did not realize, obviously, because I had not read the books, that he had this giant fucking tattoo on his chest from the book series. Hey, Hannah.

Hey, he does. Big fan. Love the podcast. Big giggler here too. The dumbest thing I've ever done for someone who was hot was I let him try to think he was. was recruiting me to be a Mormon because he was a devout Mormon. And I didn't realize that's this until the date. And I'm a devout Catholic. And he was trying really hard to like tell me how great his religion was. And I have nothing against them. But it clearly was not working.

And before I knew it, he stuck his tongue down my throat. And we were making out and he was super into it. And I just remember thinking in my head, I got to get out. I got to get out. We are never doing this again and after we were done i remember i remember walking away blocking him on everything and hoping to god i would never see him again hi hannah and des huge fans giggler here and a long time burner phone listener um the dumbest thing i've done because i think someone is hot is probably making EDM and dobset my entire personality. The weird thing is, is I ended up actually liking it, but I haven't listened to it in a while.

So, yeah, I would say making that my entire personality. Definitely not a rave girl.