Berner Phone #97: It Shouldn't Be Awkward
00:00Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop.Thanks for calling the burner phone.If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast.Hello, it's Mom and Dad, because I'm a mom.It's Kitten Central here.You're supposed to say Mamacita?Mamacita? Oh, sorry. Do you want to do it again?I'm a mom.
00:27Mamacita?No, like a real momLike I'm a mommyNo, I'm a mommyThat was actually exactAnd we should win an Oscar for that performanceYou guysI don't know what happened
00:42But DesLet Me FosterThree kittensLet Me sounds so likePatriarchalTrueAnd that's not what happenedHe wanted to
00:57Yeah, I'm afan of fostering kittensto help them be socializedand you know I was alsowanted curious to see if butterwould softenup around likelike maybe see if
01:12if there was a hint of giving her life purposelike she might be likeI'm a mommyI'm a mommy okay so this is what happenedwith butter the kittens are in likethis tentin a room oh yeahand we keep in there with three of them
01:28and we keep them therebecause they want to get used to their spacebut we're supposed to socialize themso pick them up.Our jobs.Pets also are gettinglike modern parenting gear.Yeah.
01:40Like I feel like this type of pen.It's like we have a toddler.Yeah.Like pet gear is really updated.It has.But our job is literally just to like love themand show them affection so they get socializedto love humans.
01:53We have a camera for their bed and wewhen they cry.I get an alarm.I get an alarm if they've,moving around so butter what's the word for the kid thing oh oh my god we are not the audience but watchhow annoying we are if we have kids of all the technology i'll be like my shirper-durp isn't workingso butter's doing her nighttime routine she comes out she's excited she goes into the sunroomand she realizes there's another live animal but she's not scared or angry
02:28She just is freak the fuck out.She wasn't curious either.She immediately was like, I don't know what's in there and I don't want to know.She fluffed up a little bit and she hasn't left the bedroom in a day.Yeah.So that experiment didn't work.But I want to name the three of them.But apparently this is the drama, you guys.
02:54Someone on Instagram DM me and said, hey, they were found.in my yard in Bridge Hamptonand there's a fourthsibling that we're trying to get right nowso hopefully by tomorrow we'll be able toget the fourth so they can all be togetherbut in the meantimewe have a podcast show. Oh I forgot I could talk about this forever. I am trying to
03:19come up with names right now I really likehazelnutalmond and cashewbecause of their colors, and one of them's a girl, two boys.But then everyone's like, do pistachio.But I'm like, pistachio is so many syllables.A lot of syllables.Stash-y, I don't know.
03:38But then someone said something really funny.They're naming their cats after bagels.So like poppy, sesame.And cinnamon raisin.Cinnamon raisin.And everything.And everything.And plain.
03:53Garlic.Onion.Yeah.Garlic and onion.Garlic.Garlic and onion.Come here.That's not that funny, is it?
04:02It's funny.When I laugh, too hard does go, no.No, because like, we're just going through the bagels.No, but I also just, I love envisioning the cats with cats with food names you guys know is like my thing.Like, it's my purpose.Right.She called them carry in gold.What about the third?
04:26Butter.carry gold butter.Well,but you can't do butterbecause of butter.But that's why I was sayingcarrying gold.Yeah.
04:35Land of lakes.Okay.Des,can we focus on the podcast?Sorry,folks.Hey,you wanted to talk
04:39about the names.We actually have a really funtopic.Straight from the Spotify comments.From the Spotify comments.And the Spotify comments are awarethat the prompt camefrom the Spotify comments
04:50because there was commentson the comment that became the thing.So Spotify comments are lit.Inception.Are we getting more comments?it's like still the same. It's the same act of people every week. No, but they're lit.They're lit. Yeah. No, because somebody was like, oh my God. So I saw the prompt, took a screenshot,set it to you. I came to the prompt. And then somebody was like, oh my God, this is the prompt this
05:11week. It was noted that it was from the comments. Oh, shout out to our Spotify community. We loveyou. Oh, actually, to be honest, man, we have we have a ton of good prompts coming up. I'm excited.I got three awesome suggestions from a dialer that actually was at the front row of my show in Chicago, New Year's Eve, two years ago.And don't forget a face.She sent me a full list of prompts.So some of them will be in the mix.And I've screenshot numerous ones that came into my DM.So we're pretty, I think we're the most well equipped with future prompts than we've been in a long time.
05:48Because the dialers were stressed out.They wanted to know the process.They want to know in advance.Are we good?Before we immediately start the pod, one more note about the kittens, they are going to be available for adoption.And then we just have to wait until they're not big enough.They're not big enough.They have to be two pounds each to get a neutered or spayed.
06:07However, Southampton Animal Shelter right now has an influx of the cutest kittens.There's one name, Saint that I'm obsessed with.But check it out, Southampton Animal Shelter.com.They also have a wonderful eight-year-old senior cat that unfortunately the person had to give it up or was it a dad.I can't remember, but anyway, Penny Lane.Penny Lane is so cute.Beautiful, unique colored cat, great demeanor.Two others came in because their owner passed away.
06:35And they're so perfect and sweet.So anyway, get a cat.If you're waiting for a sign, here's your sign, get a cat.What is the prompt?The prompt was, what is something that shouldn't be awkward but is?Someone messaged me and they said,um, eating dinner with your husband of 10 years.that is funny or like you know day 14 of a dinner with your like on a vacation with your
07:05friend true true we're not going to spend this much time together when you haven't seenyou're sitting up another for a while and you see them for the first time after a coupleweeks and you're like you're still the same person that's a you thinkI feel like other relationships.All right.So will we just get into it?There's so many good ones.This was heavily, there was a lot.
07:32Like a lot.Being awkward is like, my everything as well.Cats and being awkward.So this is really exciting.Let's get into it.I want to start with the main one that came up.Saying goodbye to someone and then you both keep walking in the same direction.Nice and quick.
07:50It's the worst.The worst.It's the, oh my God.My head.got hot as she said that yeah i can feel it i didn't know as an australian but it is um that's notwhy i picked it we have the most globalized podcast um that's why as i've gotten older as i'vegotten wiser i feel like i check have you ever i feel like i check like oh what were you goinghave you ever gone the wrong way just deliberately to avoid that situation every time well especially
08:21New York City because it's not like we're walking to get to our cars. New York City,you can get anywhere. So if they're going that way, I'm going the other way and we're takinga little detour. How awkward is that if they, you both, no, you both went the opposite way and thenyou meet back around the corner because it's like, actually, I need to go this way, but yougo that way. Oh my God.Actually, adding on to that, it's awkward for no reason is when I'm walking somewhere in New Yorkand I realize I walked past it or walked the wrong way and I have to turn around and thenyou see like the same people who were like sitting outside the stoop and it's like, I didn't do
08:53anything wrong, but it's like, look at this freaking idiot walking back.Look at her.She's freaking stupid.Well, that's like a stoop memory.Yeah.People hanging on the stoop.But like there's always someone standing out, you know, smoking a cigarette.Then you see them again.
09:08You're like, yeah, I'm fucking stupid.I don't know where I'm going.I mean, saying goodbye in general is super awkward.Yeah.Can be for sure.What's his name?Brett Goldstein and his special.was joking about how British and I think a lot of other cultures take forever to say goodbye.
09:25They're like, okay, okay, bye, yeah.Tell the kids.Yeah, Irish people have to joke about the bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, we're like, some Americans will just, I'm just like, bye, bye, hang up.And then they're always, like, mid saying something and then I call back and I'm like, sorry to hang up on you.Did you say something?Yeah.Yeah.I was going to say something there.
09:47Oh, I think we've talked about this before, which I'm always paranoid about.But I used to, my mother always used to do this.And when people do it, I'm always like, no, you want to go.They say, let me let you go.Oh, yeah, that's a genius.It's like, yo, don't put it on to me.I'll let you go.Like, I know you're busy.
10:07Oh, that's the other one.People say, I know you're busy, so I'm going to let you go.It's like, no, you want to get off the phone.Yeah.Don't make it seem like I'm the one.Did your mom tell you that that was like a good way to get out of it?you just observed it.No, because, you know.
10:19You never say I'll let you go.What?You never say that to people.I feel like there's a lot of that stuff.You don't need to do it anymore.Nobody's on the phone.Yeah.What was annoying was during COVID when you're on the phone with someone, you can never get off
10:33because they knew you had nothing to do.Do you remember that?Because now you'll be like, okay, I'm getting an elevator.Like, okay, I'm jump.I have to, I'm run into this.Oh, my God.I have to go get a COVID test.no it'd be like my mom needs me and then they hang up i have to go make a tic-tok there's a new
10:52trend yeah there's a new trend i have to post it real quick the weekend came out with a newsong i have to learn the dance i have to watch what was it animal king the the lion king notiger king tiger king i thought Donald trump was gonna pardon me um all right oh god the lion that the tiger kingtaking me back what was itBaskin what's the Baskins what was her firstname Carol Baskinoh yeah and then they were like music related to ityeah she killed her husband and all this stuff
11:25oh my Godthey did a savage song remix to itCarol BaskinNan it Bogey RatchettOh yeahAll those songs I can't even the weekendwhen I hear blinding lightsIt gives me nauseous
11:39I just think about the pandemicI know what was another what was another pandemic songWell, I'm a savageYeah, a savageWhat was there was a coupleThere's a couple when I hear themI just automatically think of the pandemicYeah
11:51I can't think of them nowYeahAll rightLet'sLet's keep it goingLet's keep the train movingOh yeahThis is this is a common one
12:01I don't know if this is a unique experience or notBut when the waiterIs like clearing the tableAnd you haveWhat could be perceivedto be not much left on your plate or not much left in your glass and they try to take itand you have to be like oh no no like sorry I'm not done like I was saving like those last couplesips like fuck me I hate that so much like it's so I don't know why I find that so uncomfortable
12:34this is why I love comedy because people are like has this ever happened to anyone ever andeveryone's like literally all of us. All of us. That is so funny. It's so relatable. It'sso relatable. My thing is I'm a people pleaser. So like I'm like, yeah, take my whole meal.No, because the reality is when you say it, you're like, I'm a fat bitch. Yeah. Sorry.I'm more of a drink person where like I will order like an iced tea. And then when I'm towardsthe end of it, I kind of like the ice melting and it still tastes a little iced tea and I'm likeslowly grow, where they'll just grab the iced tea when they see like that it's not coloredanymore when I have a whole process that I'm doing. Yes. But I can't be like, sorry,
13:20I'm waiting for that ice to melt. Like that sounds insane. But what I will do is sometimesI'll start adding water to like whatever juice or drink I have, even alcoholic drink. I'llstart adding water as I'm drinking it. So it like never goes down. It never goes down. Yeah, because I dofeel like you feel like you're being a fatty when they come and you're like, no, I'm stilleating. But also, I, to be honest, I think it's, I think it's kind of bad service. Yeah.When, like, they don't check in that situation. There's a cultural difference betweenIreland. So when I was trained to be a waiter in Ireland, and I'm pretty sure this isuniversal, you're not meant to take all the dishes until everybody's done. But I notice in
14:02America, it's like if one person is done, they'll take it. And the rest of them are stillWell, that was why I had a breakup with one of my exes because he was, like, painfully slow ateating.Oh, my God.I told you, like, once he had a kale salad and he was chewing so much that, like, I got the ickpermanently.He's chewing the cud?It was all, it was a lot.
14:20Like a fucking horse.Oh, my God.It was horrible.You would have, you would have lost your mind.I don't, I know that horses don't chew the cud.It was two separate thoughts.Just in case there's anybody out there.I don't, I don't even know what cut is.
14:34I was just going with it.No, chewing the.That's how cows eat.Oh.They swallow it and then they actually, they regurgitate it and then they, they swallow it again.Oh, thank you for that.Sorry about that.Thank you.
14:46Thank you.Everyone's day is better now that they've learned that.But he, at a restaurant, I eat really fast.It's a problem.I'm talking to someone about it.You eat really fast?You're talking to somebody about it?I mean, I'm going to talk to a therapist about it.
14:59Why?I don't know.I know why I eat fast is because I grew up in the fucking 80s where we're outside ofin the middle of a game, our mother would shout us for dinnerand I fucking wanted to get as fast as possiblebecause everyone's holding the score until we fucking get backout in the game.That's why I eat.
15:14Mine was literally because I had tennis practice.Yeah, exactly, man.You got to get back out.So I would eat really quickto the point where it's like there's nothing on my plate.Obviously, they're going to take it.But then he'd be just like talking and slowly chewing.And then they'd keep trying to take his
15:32because I'm sitting there with nothing.So they kept assuming he was just done.So he kept having to put his arm and be like,no, I'm not finished, no, I'm not finished.And the whole thing, I'm like, I can't do this anymore.Like, I want a divorce.No, you didn't need a divorce from your teenage boyfriend or whatever.20's boyfriend.
15:51I had a lot of husbands.This is the perfect time to tell you about it.But actually what I realize, though, is if I have some food on my plateand they say, are you done?I say, oh, no.I don't care how.You don't care how you're perceived.I don't care how I'm perceived.
16:08If they go to grab it, I go, oh, sorry, not done.Ah, uh-uh, uh-uh.Swat the hand away.I don't, I think it's cute for me to be like, oh, sorry, not done.No big deal.No big deal.And I know it might just be like, yeah, like one more piece of chicken, but like I paid for that chicken.And if the meal was freaking, you're in the Hamptons, it's a $40 chicken, I'm eating that $5
16:29of chicken.By the way, speaking of speeds of eating, we discovered today,that you know that Americans and Europeans eat differently, right?You know that.I didn't know that.Yeah, they do.Like, because they hold a fork and knife at the same time.Americans, not all, but a lot of Americans swap.
16:48They cut and then they swap hands.So really, that's how I used to eat until I moved to Ireland.And I was always like, why am I fucking such a slow eater compared to all these fuckingsavages that I'm in boarding school with?And I discover it's because the different way.So now I eat like a European, which I think is the better way to eat.Do you think it's faster?It's faster and it's better.
17:09Yeah.The swapping is crazy.Yeah.It's entirely inefficient.Don't always talk about it's like when you, you're cutting the knife with the right,then you put the knife down, switch, put the fork in the right and eat it.Yes.Yeah, I don't do that.
17:24You don't do that, which is weird.You eat like a European.I've never felt so cool.Growing up, we made fun of my dad.I'd never realized like, why, like, why is it so different?Because he ate like a European.And we used to make fun of him because he would get like a little.little bit of everything onto one fucking bite.
17:38Yeah.So we'd have like,he'd have like a miniature plate of food on every bite.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Well, we thought that was weird, but then we realized that.Well, I also, yeah, I like to use the knifeto push it onto the fork.There's a whole thing.
17:48That's the way you do it.Yeah, that's what you do.But a lot of people don't.I think it's clunky putting down the,it's too much movement.I want it easy.Yeah.Easy technique.
17:58I wonder if some people are hearing thisand not realizing that different peoplehave different fork and knife technique.Yeah, and I don't know if it's a European thingor it's just like a,like how people hold their pencils.I mean, why do people think forks on the left,knives on the right?
18:09Why do they think that?Patriarchy.Yeah, it's, but, you know.But it does, it does make you think about, like,how people hold their pens. You ever see Taylor Swifthold a pen? No. She's like,no, she holds a pen like crazy.Like, Google it. But it's, I mean,
18:25she's a genius, but like,she puts the pen in between the middle fingerand the front finger. She writes like that. She writes like that.Yeah, and you know, to each his own.To each, well, no one gets taught that, but you just, like, start doing it.And it's like, let it be free.I hold chopsticks unorthodox, but it's effective.But it's not the correct way.
18:45Yeah.I play pool lefty.Really?Yeah.Interesting.How do we get here?I don't know.Let's go.
18:53This one I thought was kind of funny.Dude, something that should not be awkward, but always fucking is, is when you get, like, thatfucking little short period when you get out of the pool and you're walking back to yourfriends and it's like oh like getting out of the pool and you don't know who's looking at yourbutt like I just can't and then another one that is so awkward is after you bowl walking back andlike you bowl walking back to the group like everyone's looking at you did you hit pins did youget a strike like I don't know it shouldn't be awkward but it always fucking is like why is itweird I don't know I feel like it's a walk off like I don't know
19:35I hate itThat's like youAt the end of your comedy showsHannah's not greatAt the end of showSalutationSo I didn't know thisBut I guess comics
19:50Like have a wayThat they end showsIn my headI like to likeGet that last laughOn my closerAnd then while people are still laughingBe like
19:58That's my timeThank youHave a good nightAnd Des was likeWait for them to stop laughingWell, no, but it wasn't that so much the wait to stop laughing.It was just like, you didn't.I did it too quick.
20:11There was just something abrupt about your finishing.That's not the way it shows was too abrupt.But honestly, like walking out on stage feels so awkward.But then when you watch it, you're like, oh, I don't look awkward.Yeah.But do you feel awkward like when you have to do a long walk onto like a big theater?It really depends on the scenario.Yeah.
20:33You know, I like.I'm always like, because I'm like,I feel like I have to move, like I have to wave, and then I have to, like, I just feel likeI always have to be entertaining. Like, just walking up isn't enough. But I get the walkingout of the, you know, like, even like coming out of the water, walking back. You're very exposed.That's part of it. Yeah. I mean, I'm like, honestly, so over bikinis, even though, like,I love bikinis. I just want to normalize, like, T-shirt bathing suits. Like, why? I want to go,I was talking about in Gugoo Squad. I want to go back to the 40s. Like, I actually did, like,
21:04the bathing suits, so how covered they were.What?I don't know.You just sounded MAGA right there.I don't know.Things that just said, yeah, things have just gone too far.I just think women should stay at home, have kids, and cover their pussies.Like, did you see Sabrina Carpenter's last album?
21:25Like, we're being, we're being backwards.No.This is also my mental illness that maybe people can relate to as women.I either think I'm like embarrassingly gorgeous.Like I'm Denise Richards getting out of the pool where it's like awkward for peoplebecause I look so good getting out the pool.I'm like, is everyone getting a boner?Like is everyone going to be okay?
21:52Or I think I look in like disgusting and that everyone is making fun of me.Like there's no in between.No in between.But the truth is when you walk out in that vulnerable moment,It's either a hit or a miss, but this is one of those things that I would say, not to promote my own tour, but how I look getting out of the pool is none of my business.It's not for you.It's not, it's none of my business, what they think, what I think. I'm just getting out of the pool.Yeah. I mean, I have to say, Thanksgiving this year, we were getting work done.
22:25And my brother and I, the pool wasn't covered.So it was late and the pool was still open.so my brother and I went for a cold plunge and you filmed it and it ruined your life i i i never need tosee that back fat ever again just that like getting closer to middle age fucking well i'm middleage but i meant i was going to say 50 and i stopped myself i didn't want to freak out the dialersbut not going to be 50 in november and uh i just saw that back fat and i was just like good lordI also feel like watching moviesWomen always look so sexy
23:06Like in the showerOr yeah in the poolAnd they like put their hair backAnd like their hair's all wetAnd then you see yourselfAt least me with my hair wetAnd I'm like oh my godI look like a wet mole rat
23:19Yeah it's funnyI like the way my hair looks wetI'm a pro wet hair guyYou're very good lookingHannah wishedI just prefer myI like a wet hair lookYou have the cheekbones
23:32That's all I'm sayingpull up a slick back if you needed to yeah and i could also i think it's really shocking in mycareer that i haven't been cast either as a new york city police officer or a shaved headeastern european like mafioso hitman maybe an agent's listening you know it's just it's unacceptablei can definitely play at least a firefighter shit i how have i not been a firefighter like how have ibeen fucking cast in one of Dennis Leary's things.Do you know earlier you said,you were saying, I thought,
24:06you said, I thought something and you said I taught.Like, I taught, I saw a pussy gal.I didn't say, I taught.Chris, rewind.Chris, rewind to, when he was starting the last,the last prompt, rewind to that plate now.I said, I taught.You go, I taught.
24:25This one I taught was kind of funny.Okay, look, we need to catch.Oh, so we didn't talk about the bowling section of this product.The bowling thing is like if you're not making a joke,if you're not like exaggerating your finish,or like, you know, putting your leg really far behind.I'm like, if you get a strike, if you're not going nuts,then there's something wrong with you.
24:48That's how you get over the awkwardness.Also, as a tennis player, there's a lot of like reaction to winning and losing.So I always felt like I'm either doing a big fist pump or I'm pissed and I'm,I'm cursing, you know, like, you just got to give reaction.If you just walk back with no emotion, you're a serial killer.I also want to point out that bowling is awesome for one frame, for one game, one game.You know that I like.And then the second, I have never cared through a full second game.
25:24One game, I am in the zone.Second game, I'm over.like, I feel dirty, my hands, just, it's...You know the two sports that I hate.No.Frisbee?You hate Frisbee?And bowling.
25:38Sorry, you hate Frisbee?I hate Frisbee and I hate bowling because I am so bad at them.Oh.I don't know if it's a...So you hate being bad at things?No, I don't mind being bad at certain things, but those two sports are sports that, like,people either have played forever and they're just, like, good at it, or like, I feel like,you just can't get the hang of it like you're in your head about throwing a frisbee i'm in my head
26:02about both i have the yips like i last time shout out to um rory scovel last time i threw a frisbeei killed an entire family he says that that's one of his jokes he was a whole joke aboutpeople who throw the frisbee the the way where they don't go across their body they go this wayand it's like what why are they who they're doing that for like what's up ladies and he throws theI know we've, we'd never have guests on the burn phone, but I feel like he would be a funguy to get on just because we both have our own Rory relationship.I love him.And he's like, I think he would be under the radar for a lot of dialers.
26:40Rory Scoville.And he would be a nice guy to introduce to them.Roy Scoville, the first time I ever did stand up on Netflix, such a great special.Also, I did creep him out, like straight up to his face.I was like, you're my favorite thing of me.And he, like...He loved it.He's the nicest guy.
26:59He's the nicest guy.Well, also...Super funny.One more story about Rory.Underrated.We were waiting backstage because we were doing like a live podcast together.Backstage, he's telling me some story about having a stomach ink on a plane ride.I was crying, laughing.
27:15Like, he was murdering backstage to the point that I'm like, save it.But it's like, no, he's just going to keep going.He's just crazy.Great golf.Anyway, shout out, Rory.With bowling, I think it's because of my tennis swing.There's something I do wrong with the wrist, and I, like, I can't do it.Also, one of the kittens is so cute.
27:38She's trying to escape right now.Oh, right.That means they're getting confident.She's getting confident.Oh, my God, it's so cute, my little piece is a little nut.All right, well, let's keep it going.We're getting so much, oh, this one is it.This one is a big, I'm so glad to talk.
27:51I feel like this is like there's stand-up in this.And I, if we, if one of us ever does a bit about this, register this moment.It comes from, I'm not saying this person talking about is the best thing ever, but this topic is a good topic.Hi, Hannah and Des. My name is Marcella, a long time listener, first time caller.One thing I think is super awkward is when you're in like a department store, like you're in Nordstrom rack or something and you're going to try on clothes and you bring in like a whole bunch of stuff and they make you count it.it's whatever you try them on you know you like nothing and then you walk out and you have togo back to the front and like put this giant stack of clothing in front of this girl likehey yeah i am going to make you put back every single item and i just feel terrible like it's awkward
28:40it's like oh you really didn't like a single thing did you and and no no i didn't yes the judgmentwell it's also such a journey of emotions because first you go into the store and you're likeyou're like let's have fun and then you're like wow wait there's a lot of stuff that I could see myself getting and then you're like fuck it let's try them all on yes yes and then the dread starts to hit as you realize you don't like anything then in your head you're like do I just buy it I because I just don't want to deal with the awkwardness also it's like it's not like I feel bad for them too but I also feel like they're looking at you being like you don't know who you are you chose 30 Ithat you don't like like do you even know understand yourself but they don't care though that's thething because i've worked in retail and like yeah the whole thing about in my opinion the whole thingabout like oh i feel bad because they have to put this back they're happy to put shit back becausei used to be happy to have shit to do yeah because a lot of time it's there's nothing to do yeahand like of all the annoying jobs like putting that shit back is not annoying but it does seem so
29:50like spoiled like anything you can't but is there anything worse than like you're grabbing a thingthinking like this is it especially if you have like like sometimes I'm like under pressureI have a terrible habit of buying clothes for important events late yes and so you're like underpressure and then you grab something and you're in the fucking lip fitting room and you're likethis is it and you put it on it doesn't fit or it looks like shit or it feels like shit and you'relike fuck and then like is there anything worse than you're having to go back out and get moreshit? I know. How do you feelwhen you go back out? And have to do it
30:23again? How do you feel when you go back outwith clothes fromthe place? Oh, like you're wearingit? Sometimes I do because I'm just like, I'm notfucking getting back into my own shit to get back out of itagain because I know I need to get more shit. It's fine unlessI'm in Eritzia. The thing with Eritziais they don't have mirrors.
30:39What? So everyone, when you wantto see it, you have to walk outinto the main dressingarea where everyone else is walkingout and you're all looking in the same mirror.Like, it's a, it's a sick joke.How do you feel when strangers get involved?Hate it.
30:56When somebody's like, that looks good on you.Obviously, they're going to say that.What are they going to say?No, that looks like shit.No, no.I don't mean the salespeople.I mean, like, oh, the people like, like the mother of the girl who's in thestall next store, she's like, oh, that looks good on you.
31:10But then you feel like, oh, great, now I have to piss you off too.Now I have to be like, you have no taste and you have no taste.and your store doesn't get my sizing.It's like, yeah, I know I have a nice butt,but this outfit looks stupid, okay?I also, hot take,it's also embarrassing when you grab a lot of crapand you decide you want to buy all of it.
31:30You think that's embarrassing?Yeah, because...I think that's a home run.I feel like there's...You pick stuff knowing there's about a...What would you say the rate is?I'd say...Oh, yeah, what's the percentage?
31:41You want to have like a 30% success ratewhen you grab...clothes, I feel like.Well, as I've gotten older, I realizethe play is bring a tonof shit into the fitting room. I know some ofthese places have like, oh, you can only bring four.You know, that's kind of annoying. They have like, the
31:58Gestapo on the fucking, the fitting room.And they're like, is that six? Let me count.They give you like the plastictag. Yeah. Six. And you have tocome out with the tag. Yes, because peopleI guess are stealing stuff. Yeah, I understand.That's keep track. I got it. But also likeit's H&M, babe. It costs them one cent to make.
32:16But does H&M make you count?Probably not.Yeah, because they're like, take it.We don't care.It costs five cents.I mean, it costs a child's full day of labor, but other than that.I mean, we're not, yeah.We're not, sorry, just for the record, that was a joke and we're not alleging in any way, shape, or form that H&M uses child labor.
32:38Is that what?No, so I don't like going in with a bunch of stuff.And then when you leave with a bunch, they're always like,Oh, wow. Oh, you liked it all.Oh, it's like when you finish your meal fully, and the waiter's like, oh, somebody liked their food.I, as I've gotten older, though, like I like getting new clothes, but I kind of hate shopping.So my new thing now is I just, I just grab a load of shit.Sometimes two sizes of the same thing.
33:14Yep.I take them home and I try them on a home.I just return them. I know it's two trips to the thing, but it's like, I'd rather just go backand just return the shit that I don't like. I haven't actually shopped for clothes, not online andforever, except vintage shopping, because that's the experience. Vintage is going in and being likeit's only available here, it's not online, where it's like otherwise buy stuff and then likehope you remember to return it. I don't like buying clothes online. And sports stuff, yeah. You know,shit for training, no problem, but actual clothes, I have a very low hit rate of online buying.
33:54What fits?Because like I just said, I like to take the stuff home and then return it.But I don't like returning.I'm going to say it is still low hit rate online.Yeah, but I don't like returning with UPS.I've gotten better at it.Some places like revolve, they give you, it's like very easy and then you know I'm going to do it.But sometimes I have PTSD because my mother.
34:16loved, towards the end of my mother's life, she loved buying shit on Amazon and returningit. But then I would get the calls of, Desmond, the printer isn't working. I got a printerreturn label. So I think I have PTSD from return labels. That's part of the reason why I don'tlike online shopping. Blame a woman. Printers suck. No, I'm blaming printers. I'm not blaming my mother.Yeah, not your mom. Printers suck. Yeah, we know. We just bought one and it's broken. They work 30% of the time.Also, because you know they break so often, sometimes I think you can fix it, but you're already like, it's a fucking broken printer.I can't do anything with this.All right.
34:53This is not going to be that interesting, but there's going to be somebody that listens to this that's going to be like, oh, my God.I recently had to sign a legal document for somebody, right?It was like an immigration thing for a friend that I'm helping from China.And official document, I print it, I sign it, I scan it.They say it has to be printed and signed, but you can scan it and send back.You can't e-sign, but you can print, sign, scan.print signs again guy says oh no it has to be it has to include the barcode at the bottomweeks i can't get this fucking barcode on the fucking paper then i discover when it prints it's
35:28not coming then i discover did you know that legal documents are on a different size paper did youknow that in your life because i didn't until last week when would i know that so and then on in theprinter when you print there's different options for paper size and you change you buy legal pay i had tobuy it to go to Staples and get, well, I didn't, I actually going to contradict myself.I got the paper online, bought legal paper and then print, press legal, print, and there wasthe barcode. It took me weeks to figure that out. So that's just another printer dramathat I've had in recent times. And we've had a lot of it. Yes. And you always turn to me like,the printer's not working. Like, like I have any more skills in figuring out the printer.
36:09I feel like because you're older, you're better at printers. Yeah, but I'm not. I'm just, I'm more hurt.I've had more years of being let down by printers.Shout out, you know, my dad used to sell fax machines door to door.Or the old school prints, like, yeah, every line and then you had to rip off the, you had to rip off the edges of the paper.Also, do you remember those?No.The edges of the paper.Oh, yeah, that's old school.
36:36But also, you remember like in your office, if you ever had an office, these fax machines,were friggin' huge.Yes.Like, that's unnecessary.Faxing was, fuck.I actually, I think if I sent 10 faxes in my life, it was a lot.Like, very...I've never faxed anything.
36:55It was always some legal bullshit that was like, it has to be faxed.And it was very rare that you would send a fact.Hannah, by the way, just for the dollars, Hannah, it's very distracted by the kittens, just so you know.No, I just turned because they're, like, kind, they're being really cute right now.And one of them's licking the other one.all right listen it's a dez moment here it's a dez moment here oh okay this is like you know like peewe'splayhouse yeah because you watch the documentary and it was like the secret word yeah well you knowthe secret word on on burn the phone is how long will it take before this topic comes up
37:33hi hannah does something that's awkward that probably shouldn't be our wakes it's bad enoughwhen someone dies but then the thought of having to go down a line and neitherlike to shake someone's hand, awkwardly wave, hug,people you don't even know in their family.It's just, it's so difficult.I really feel awkward, but I feel so bad that someone died at the same time.So it just makes for a really uncomfortable situation.Yeah.
38:00All right.Love you both.It is so, oh.So say, you know, when you go to like, like a close friend of yours,like grandmother dies, but you only know that one person who's like,18, 21, 22 years old or something, right?But then you have to like give your condolences to their parents that you don't even know.Like, I'm sorry for your loss.
38:23Like, who are you?You have to fucking introduce yourself?I know that like you don't want to talk to a stranger right now because a close personof your life just died and talking to strangers.I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I'm here to support even though I know you don'twant me to talk to you right now.But here's the thing.Here's what I always say.
38:39Sorry for your loss.My condolences, move on.That's the trick.there's nothing else you know you just do the handshake like we recently we went to a friend of mine'sfather died and we went to the wake and even that i found awkward because it was like i know himand i know his wife and his daughters but then his brother was there and like other people thatand then that is awkward well yeah especially if you guys start talking about like a differenttopic and then it's like you're meeting people yeah at a wake and they're like oh so how do you
39:08No, so.No, because wakes with people, like, like, here's the crazy thing.Like, wakes for you are fucking awesome because you know so many people.You see, people you haven't seen in a long time.The grief part sucks, but the fucking social part is awesome.But when you have to go to a wake, you only, you know, it's only good when you like knowtons of people.Yeah.
39:29Then it's kind of like sad slash fun.On the other end, this reminds me of, this is like a meme, I feel like, but it's really,hits home for me. Just I never feel more awkward than the eight seconds or 10 seconds that peopleare singing happy birthday to me. Oh, that came up a lot, actually. But what I realized, do you sing it?Great question. I don't. I just sit there. Like, what do I do with my hands? It's tank forever.It's so awkward. I hate it. But I realize when you have situations like that, put yourself in other people'sshoes because you're feeling awkward because you think they're looking at you being like Hannah's just sitting therewhat is she doing?
40:09Why is she smiling like that?Whenever I have to sing happy birthday,I'm in my own headtrying to hit the hard note.I can't even envision.I don't think I even look at the personwho's birthday it is.What's the hard note?
40:23Happy birthday.That's a pretty impressive skillthat you could hit that moment.Like, I don't mean you hit the notethat you've remembered that you came intwo thirds in which was song.I would have to do.It's like trying to.
40:38A, B, C, D, EFG.It's like, which letter of the alphabet?I can't.If you say what's after R, what's after R?A, B, C, D, E, F, G, A, B, C, L, O, Q, R.And then if you skimby, you have to start over.But the fact that you were like, see, I still can't remember, what is it?Have, but, oh, yeah, that one.
41:01Yeah, well, in my head, I said,Happy bird, yeah, I can't hit that.So my mom said, I actually have good tone.I just, am not a good tone.good singer, but I'm not toned deaf. Like, I can hit the notes just badly. I never, I don't thinkI'm a good singer, but I would say I'm somebody who at times can pass as a good singer. Well,this was the whole thing and Paige and Hannah try new things, one of our episodes about theWicked song. I said, I can't sing, but I think I could accidentally hit a note. Right. And like people
41:34say, even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Even a broken clock is right,twice a day.Yeah.Even I could hit a crazy note if I try a lot.Yeah.But can I sing a song?No.There are some songs that I can sing.
41:52There are some songs that I can sing.And I've had to sing on stage a couple of times.As the temperature starts rising, I feel that urge to refresh my closet.But I don't want to waste money on a ton of new clothes, especially ones that I'm onlygoing to wear a couple times.or it's going to rip or like I put it in the wash once and it's gone and a lot of summer clothes is like thatand that's why I love quince their clothes are timeless lightweight and far more elevated than anything else at this priceit finally feels like my wardrobe matches my standards and I'm also look I'm in my 30s and I want to wear classy stuff that looks like I'm a professional human and I'm not just wearing like low quality materials
42:31Like 100% European linen shorts, dresses from only $30,Lux swimwear, Italian leather platform sandals.Quince is amazing because they work with top artisans and cut off the middlemen.I hate paying extra for things that aren't necessary.Quince gives you luxury without the markup working with factories directlyusing safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes.A ton of my friends shop quince.It's great for luxury pieces, essential.
43:01I'm obsessed with just like a nice blazer or a sundress to have this summer.Have your summer closet and upgrade with Quince.Go to quince.com slash burn for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash burn to get free shipping and 365 day returns.Quince.com.Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash B-E-R-N.So I'm doing this in the morning and I've just woken up from a lovely sleep on my Bowling Branch.sheets. They are made free from toxins with the finest 100% organic cotton. They feel
43:36buttery soft to start and get softer with every wash and they come with a 30-nightworry-free guarantee. And they're ethically crafted by expert artisans that earn fair wages.One less thing to worry about when you're lying on these incredibly comfortable sheets.Really breathable, Hannah is a hot sleeper. This has been one of the really important things.We still, literally just the other day, we were having a little lover's tiff over the temperatureon the air conditioner.Hannah sleeps hot.But one of the things that helps is we have breathable, 100% finest organic cotton sheets.
44:21They're cooling comfort from Bowling Branch.They're ultra crisp with a special cooling weave, so you never sleep hot again.It's just the best feeling in the world when you get into bed with like really nice feeling sheets.Listen, all I can tell you is you got to feel it.So take a shot on it.Get the best savings of this season during Boland Branch's annual summer event.Get 20% off plus free shipping on your first set of sheets at bolandbranch.com slash burn.It's Bolandbranche, B-O-L-N-B-B-E-R-N.
44:55That's bolandbranch.com slash burn, B-E-R-N.that's bolingbranch.com slash burn to save 20% off and unlock free shipping limited time onlyexclusions apply hey man i love cash and i love convenience so when i say i love cash i don't likeactual cash i just like having money well cash app brings in the convenience and helps me with mycash because you know come on man who's got money these days you know i'm playing golf with the boysyou know we have a little wager going boom i win or i lose i'm getting the money or i'm givingthe money on cash app you know sometimes finishing the barber shop don't have money you know don'thave money say hey man you got cash app tip the barber with cash app you know it's so handy like
45:45when people say to me oh um you know let's split the bill but then they don't have cash app and they don'tof cash. I'm like, well, what are we going to do here, man? Get it together. Get cash app.Now, here's the thing. Cash app is fast, safe, and honestly, it's just a way more personalizedthan other apps out there. No extra hoops to jump through. No extra stress. All of the toolsare right there to help you cash in. And it's safe. They have numerous ways to check and makesure you're not sending it to the wrong person. You can add custom text, stamps, and backgrounds.makes it more fun so if you don't have cash app which i don't know why that would be the casethe good news is if you don't have cash app just download it from your phone's app store
46:32sign up and enter our code burn 10 in your profile send five dollars to a friend and you'll get$10 just for getting started so that you're getting money okay do you understand let me let melet me say it again for limited time only new cash app users can use our exclusive code toearn some additional cash for real. There's no catch. Okay. Just download the app and sign up.Download cash app and sign up. Use our exclusive referral code, burn 10, B-E-R-N-1-0 in your profile.Send five bucks to a friend within 14 days and you will get $10 dropped right into your account.Terms apply. That's money. That's cash app. This one I put in for you because this is somethingthat I can't identify with and I'm curious.
47:19Hey mom and dadSo I have threeThe first one I know I'm not aloneBut the second two I might beThe first one is definitelyUnderwear at the gynecologistI don't know why it's so awkwardBut everyone feels the need
47:35That you just need to hide that shitIt's like illegal if that's seen by the doctorEven though they're literally going down thereSecond isGetting off the phone with like a coworkeror an acquaintance, like leading to goodbye and saying goodbye or trying to end the conversation,I feel like I have to pace around the house to get through it.And then third is buying tampons or pads.
48:03Like if I'm in Target, I just feel that I need to, like, hide the box if I'm walkingaround or if I'm at self-checkout, that should need to, like, immediately go in the bag.Like I said, I might be alone in this, but thanks.guys. I've never been to the gynecologist. Well, it's so funny because they're literally up yourcanal, but there is something where like, you don't want them to see your bra. I always havea female gynecologist. That's just where I tend to go. So I don't care. But I know whatshe means like, yeah, you're looking at my pussy, but don't look at my underwear. Well, I, I'm aCommando a lot of the time.
48:47Commando guy.Even in jeans.And when I go to the doctor,I have to wear underwear to like,I don't want to be judged by the doctor.That's like the only time I wear underwear.You know what the doctor,when the doctor asks you like,
49:04how many drinks do you have per week?I love when they ask me.No, but sometimes they'll be like, oh yeah,and I'll say zero.And they'll be like, I don't judge.They think I'm lying.maybe because I don't fit the moldlike most girls my age
49:19or like having more cocktailsyou present as a party girlI present as a party girleveryone thinks I do cocaineand they literally goyou can tell meand then I think I'm likeI feel like I'm lying
49:33and then I'm likewhat would someone who's not lyingsound like and then I'm not lyingand then I become too defensiveI mean I got pulled overI got pulled over in Australia one timeor else it was a checkit was like a checkpoint and they were like I had to blow in the thing I was like yes
49:51finally finally I'm just a bad driver never been more confident in all my lifethey were like give me a good blow there I was like yeah motherfucker also you know this is likepast awkward they were like have you drank tonight I said no not since 1995also this is past awkwardness but when the doctor when they just go um are you depressedI always lie and say no.Oh, I've never, I never admit any mental health shit on doctors.I mean, I've literally do the click, the checkboxes where I'll be like, okay, I'll doanxiety today, but I'm not also putting depression.
50:25The other guy think I'm crazy.Yeah, I don't, I don't put any in the mental health shit.I'm like, they're so like, have you ever had a problem with substance abuse?I always say no.I don't know, fuck that.I don't want that shit on my record.Fuck that.I lie about everything.
50:38I lie about everything.So, um, what was?the other thing she was saying? Oh yeah. It's funnybecause I've had to buyI think I had to buy tampons once or twice foryou. You know,I think when a guy's buying tampon, it's clearyou're buying it for somebody. Do you feel awkward
50:54about buying tampons? I did.I think until my 30s. In my30s, I don't give a fuck. I'll buy a dildo.Like, I don't, like, inCVS. I don't care. That remindsme, this is one I wanted to play, which I thought was reallyfunny. Okay, hi Hannah. Hi, Dez.Big fans of y'all's, and I'm a
51:10giggler. Hey Hannah.Something that's awkward but shouldn't be awkward is when you're a fully grown adult, you're married, and you're trying for kids, and you have to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test.It goes back to in college when you're having a pregnancy scare and you're single as fuck and people are judging you for buying a pregnancy test, even though I'm like a full-fledged adult human that has the absolute right to buy a pregnancy test.and usually it's like a high school boy that's checking you out.So yeah, love you guys.That's such a funny thing, you know?That is so funny.But the contrast between like when you're 21 buying a pregnancy test and when
51:57you're 35 buying a pregnancy test, like the way that you feel?Well, yeah, when you're 35 buying a pregnancy test, it's so weird.Maybe you'll feel like, no, I feel like you still feel like, yeah, I got fucked by a DJand I need to make sure that I'm not pregnantwith this baby.Yeah, I mean, I just think likewhen you're 21 to buy a pregnancy test,it's a fucking freaky experience.
52:26And when you're 35, it's like a hopeful experience.Yeah, 35, you're like,and I hope to be an angel of a mother,a mamacita.Well, yeah, because usually if you're more often than not,when you're 21, you're buying a pregnancy test,you're thinking, I hope I don't want to have todeal with this crisis situation.
52:42Yeah, it's two different judgments.I think when you, but you know when you're older, when you're buying it, you want to be like,this is on purpose.I think it knocked up.I'm trying to get knocked up.I noticed in the CVS that there's like a, you can buy like bulk, like five tests.And I think like, you're really, you're really betting down for, you're really betting downfor like five disappointing months.
53:10I do, though, think that it's, like, too personal.Like, I don't like any, even if I'm 35 and I'm buying pregnancy tests, I don't wantpeople knowing.You don't want people knowing that you're trying to get pregnant.That's trying to get pregnant.It's embarrassing.I don't want you to know.Because there's so many things at CVS, I feel like that I'm embarrassed to buy.
53:28If they notice you buy it and then next month you're back for another pregnancy test,they're like, oh, it didn't work out last.Yeah, but it's also like the combination of things you buy.Like, you know, you're just shopping.But then when they see the final product, it's like, okay, you have a pregnant.test and then like tampons just in case just in case yeah if it's one line I'm going to need theseif it's two lines not going to need these but there's like a whole story of mental illnessthroughout of what I'm getting then it's like oh I want a chapstick and then it just it's crazy
54:00and that's why I shop because if you're getting a pregnancy test you can't get like two casesof white claw that is literally what I meant because you're like you never know you never know you nevernever know which way it's going um anyway that's a it's a funny it's a funny thought it's a funnythought um all right here we go let's let's we got to wrap it up no pun intendedcondom get it having a baby oh right oh yeah funny a pun i didn't want to say it but you did itThis is a good one.I'm going to pay two in these in a row because they're the kind of same situation.Hey, Hannah, and Des.
54:45So something that is always awkward but really shouldn't be is when you go up to order somethingand the menu is like right in front of where you have to order and you haven't gottena chance to look at it yet and you're the only one in line and you have to tell the cashierthat you need a second to look at the menu and they stand there and stare at youwhile you stand there and stare at the menuand try to quickly figure out what you wantbecause it's really awkward and it's quietand you can tell that they don't know what to do
55:15while you stand there and waitand you also don't know what to dowhile you stand there and figure out what you want.Yeah, so I don't know why that's always so awkwardbut it's like we both stand thereand don't really know what to do.Yeah, well, thanks.So awkward.
55:28That is so niche and so spot on.That happens a lot of one-trick pony.Because the door is right next to the cash.year. Yeah. And if you walk through the door and there's nobody on the line, you're just at the cashier.You're at the cashier. Yeah. And, but my thing is that's when I go,bug it, I'm pressure ordering and I'm just going to say the first thing I see on the menu.Yes. And then you regret it for the next time. Yeah, but sometimes it's like you say the firstthing, which buys you a second. Yeah. And then as they're putting it and you're like,
55:55actually, no wait. Oh, I got so mad. I went to this like cool cafe in L.A. and I, and it wasreally busy and I got ahead of like a bunch of people that were coming in. So I was like,I'm going to order quick and I just looked up and saw whatever things they had above and Ijust set it. And then I go to sit down to wait for my thing and I realize there's a wholefreaking menu that I missed of other things. I ordered like a weird special. And the day wasnot good after that. I know. And I can't relax. If there's a line behind me, if there's a line behind meand I got to like order. Oh. No, we go to a new restaurant. Because I know if I'm behind,I'm like, come on, make up your mind, buddy.
56:37Like, so it's not like, it's not like you say, yeah, you feel the pressure to people behind you, but they're not uptight.You know, it's so awkward.I remember for lunch in New York City, there's all these lunch places that people go every single day.They have a system.So they have a system.This is like, okay, when I first went to air.It's like going for lunch in midtown.When I went to Airwan for the first time, it's New York.
56:57Air One is like very, sorry, it's complicated, but people go in just like, there's all these different lines for different lines for different.thing. So I'm just trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, people are like, go, what do you want?And I just feel like a lost puppy. Like a newcomer in TSA Pre. True. The fucking professional.This is the professional line. Move over. Get out of the way, buddy. But you know, what's crazy is like,no, you don't got to take your computer out. Let's go. I'm in the line. And I like, look up and they'relike, yeah, you pick three things. And I'm like, but what are all these things here? And they're like,yeah, pick three of them. And I'm like, okay, like, it just, no, like, you have to.No.
57:34No, 100%.You got to know the system.I always felt like back in, you know, when I used to work, you know, I used to be inBurberry.And then there was very few places to get lunch in those days around 57th Street.And so you're going to this, there was a deli around the corner.And it was like, all these dudes behind the counter was like, what do you want?When you don't know the system early on, you're like, shit, I didn't even.
57:55Like, 728, 728, 728.They fucking wrap.Those guys, they wrap wax paper.But it's true.when you go there all the time, you're like, yeah, I want my buffalo chicken with a hold maze andDiet Coke, thank you. And they know you, they know what you want. It's great. But yeah,these places, like I went to dig in one of these places that are so good, but they don't have amenu up. They just have all the food in front and you have to pick one from each section.
58:20Is it digging? Dig in. Yeah. Is it not just dig? Yeah. Or maybe now it's dig.Yeah. It used to be digging. I like that place. So you go in and they're like, what do youwant and you haven't thought of what works well with what but in at first you're like yeah like steakout of these and then they're like okay which cauliflower or whatever and I'm like well if I was goingto get cauliflower I would have gone the chicken because that's bare with yeah oh my god have you ever beenin subway when somebody's in front of you and they're like I don't know when I get tomatoesit's fucking come on man we all know you got to know your subway order or when you judge someone'sChipotle order they're like you get cornitas okay really carnitas gets judged I get
58:57Yeah. That's why I said that. I feel like people are judging me.Really? Sometimes. Shepotli. It's one of five options.When I want to feel naughty, I get a barbacoa.Yeah. Why is that naughty?Because it's like heavy.Yeah, it is heavy. It's the most calories. If you look on the menu, barbacos are the most calories.Yeah, I love, but now I just get carnitas. That's my go-to.Yeah. What's my go-to in there?
59:21I actually, I don't know. I don't actually know what my... Do you go Pinto or Black Beans?Good question.You get both if you want more beans.There's all these tricks.I'm more of a Pinto girl.Yeah, I'm a Pinto guy.I'm Pinto.But you know what I like the most?
59:37Refried.Refried beans, which I feel I've gone out of fashion.There's nowhere.What happened to refried beans?Who stopped?You know, what happened?I feel like maybe we've moved closer to,I'm not saying Chipotle's anyway authentic,
59:53but like we've moved closer to the authenticityof Mexican and South American food.Maybe.Or refried beans needs a new PR team.Yeah.Because are they fried?I mean,bread made a comeback.
01:00:07But I'm saying,I don't think refried beans are fried.I thought they were just much.You think they're badly named.I think they're badly namedand people think it's unhealthy.Right.When I feel like years ago,
01:00:17like you went for Mexican,it was always refried beans.Yeah, that's why when they say Pinto,pinto or black,I'm like, where's my refried beans?I don't care if it'sPinto are black. I want it refried. I don't want these raw ass beans. Yeah. But I actually, I still preferPinto beans to refried, but they, I have noticed that refribeens, you don't see them as much.
01:00:39I love refried beans. You know why? Because it gives mashed potato. It gives Mexican mashedpotato vibes. Yep. And that's, I love that texture. I'm going to have to, after the show,I'm going to Google. Where are the refribees? They're extinct. They've gone extinct.What happened to like one of those VH1 shows? What? What?What happens to refried beans?You know, you know, like, it's like, we're looking back America in the 90s.When you're Googling a celebrity, you're like, you know what's so funny?There's probably like Mexican comedians that are like, all these gringles, like, they refried beans.
01:01:11What the fuck are they, man?We're like, bring them back.Yeah, they don't, like, it might not even be a thing, but I could, I have no, I actually have no idea.Yeah, I don't know.Maybe it is.Whether we're being, like, I don't know if this is culturally insensitive.I don't know if refy beans are so incredibly authentically Mexican.or if they're like the dummy.
01:01:28I have no idea.I'm so out of the loop.We'll find out after the pod.We don't have Chris here to check.This has been a very cat-themed episode.So it's really good timing to tell you about one of the sponsors of this episode, SmallsCat Food.Now, Butter loved Smalls, but I'm going to be honest with you.
01:01:50Butter is not a finicky cat.And she absolutely devoured Smalls, but that's not really.the recommendation that's going to matter here.Seamus, my brother's cat, who literally rocked up at our door, he's finicky.Butter is the nervous one, but she'll eat anything.Seamus, friends with everybody, very picky with food.We put smalls in front of him, gobble, gobble, chop, chop, chap,sayanara.
01:02:25He just ate that up.But here's the good news.Not only is it super tasty, but Smalls cat food is protein packed,recipes with preservative-free ingredients that you find in your fridgeand it's delivered right to your door.That's why Cats.com named Smalls, their best overall cat food.So to get 35% off plus an additional 50% off your first order,head to smalls.com and use our promo code burn for a limited time only.
01:02:53So now Butter's eating Smalls.You know, she's a cat from the Bronx living the high life in West Hamptoneating incredibly good, healthy cat food.So just so you know, after switching to Smalls,88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements.That's a big deal.The team at Smalls is so confident that your cat will love their productthat you can try it risk-free.
01:03:18That means they will refund you if your cat won't eat their food.So for a limited time only, because you're a burn of phone listener,You can get 35% off smalls plus an additional 50% off your first order by using R code burn,B-E-R-N.That's an additional 50% off when you head to smalls.com and use promo code burn.Again, that's promo code burn for an additional 50% off your first order plus free shippingat smalls.com.Try it out.
01:03:46You won't be disappointed.Did you know that my favorite bread hero bread also has classic burger and hot dog buns?which each serving containing zero net carbs, zero grams of sugar,11 grams of protein, and 22 grams of fiber.This summer, when you're hitting the barbecue,put some soft fluffy buns on those burgers, on those dogs,and still hit your health goals.I mean, bread is back, baby.
01:04:12I'm a hero bread guy, you know?I'm not just using it for my burgers.I'm making my toast in the morning.Because I'm out in West Hampton now for the summer,and there's a great farm stand on the North.North Fork and I get this great plum jam.It's like this incredible plum homemade jam from this farm stand.I crank that toaster up.
01:04:34I hit it with my Kerry Gold butter.I'm still patriotic with my butter.Irish butter on my hero bread.Some beautiful plum jam.That's my morning.Then when I'm feeling particularly adventurous,I get one of their tortilla wraps and I make a breakfast burrito in the air fryer,which gives it a nice, it's a crispy texture on the outside.
01:04:53where you're getting fiber protein feeling healthy not getting any bad stuff when you're eating breadwell i'll tell you where you get it you're getting a hero bread you'd never know it's low net carbon high fiberfrom the texture by the way they also have two gram net carb hero croissant so you got so many coolthings to try so hero bread is offering 10% off your order go to hero.co that's hero dot co not comC-O-Hero.C-O and use code burner, B-E-R-N-E-R at checkout.That's burner at H-E-R-O dot C-O.Check it out.I just want to play this very quickly in conjunction with that and then we got to go because
01:05:35we got we got kittens that are starting to actually try to get out of their pen.Hi, Hannah.Hi, hi, Des.Love the podcast.So something that feels illegal for sure.is slowly putting your money back in your wallet after you've made a purchase and someone's waitingbehind you in line. So whether this is drive-through or I'm just paying for something and I knowsomeone's behind me in line. And I've worked customer service a million times. Not once have I seen
01:06:05someone put change in their wallet and I'm like, wow, way to hold up the line. But for some reason,when I'm that person and I'm trying to put my change back on my wallet and I'm like, wow,I have three coins and a bill. And it's going to take me a minute to separate the bill from thecoins and right there I get into panic mode and I literally just throw the handful of changeinto my purse or like fold it in my wallet and walk away. I will refuse to put it in properly.It would literally take me only an extra 30 seconds. Will I do it? No. I would rather lose atunie because I can't carry everything than to take the extra 20 seconds and put it in my walletproperly. This is so true. Canadian. Canadian. This is so true because the second they hand you
01:06:48the cash back. It's like, get out, get out, get out, get out. When they said that because it's sosubtle, but so true. And so soon to not be a thing. I know. That's what's sad. Well, I was thinkingabout it. Like, oh, I haven't done that in a minute. It's like, oh, yeah, because you're justtapping. But the second they hand you, it's like you're wasting everyone's time still standingat what? Putting every dollar back in your wallet, get out. But I sometimes will just take itand then walk off and like do it on the side. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I'm not going to stand.My mother's favorite thing was always to give you the exact, you know,they'll be like, oh, I'll give you a 10 and 5 cents and then you can give me back a 5.
01:07:26My mother used to, my mother always tried to not get the fucking change back.Oh, yeah.It's not so annoying.Well, that's for the tip jar.Somebody's in front of you.And back in the day, because this doesn't happen as much, but like, usually like an olderperson with their wallet.And then they're like, how much is it?
01:07:4410, 82?And then they're like, hold on.And then they go to the change part of their purse.and then like, I think I have 82, hold on.And then they're like, oh, wait, oh, not that's a nickel.Wait, that's a, no, wait.Can you give me back that dime?I have a quarter.
01:07:57But you know, it's so weird.Like, that used to annoy me, but now I'm so nostalgic, like, those days are gone.They're gone.Like, when people pay with cash now, I'm like, what?Especially in like, like, like, when someone asks, says this is cash only, I go.Oh, well, cash only.What is this, the fucking 1900s?We have a couple of places that are cash on, but that's why I go there.
01:08:16I know that.but like when I'm in like a hipster coffee shop downtownand somebody pays in cashI can feel the people behind the counter be likewell they don't they don't let youthey'll be like card only a lot of timewell it's card only for like business trackingservices like when I have to put my card
01:08:35into the slot I can use my card these daysI'm like what what kind of a relic is this establishmenthonestly whenever you someone sayslike can I see your IDtrying to find your IDeven if it takes like three secondsoh godyou feel sketching
01:08:51you feel sketchingabsolutelyand nervousyou're always likeI don't have my ideasometimes I can't find myfucking driver's license manespecially when they do the random
01:08:59so we have digital ID rightbut then sometimes they do a random checkyepand then you're fuckingand then all these people behindthink you're fuckingan amateurof course
01:09:09it's like I'm not an amateurit's a random checkof course we got backyou think you're a criminalwhen you get a random checkat theyou beepOh, yes, the beep.
01:09:16And you think everyone's like,oh, this fucking idiot.Oh, it's so embarrassing.But actually, that stuff is karmicbecause sometimes there's someone in the linewho's like, you know, pushing aheadand like trying to be in front of everyone, you know,or someone's like skipped me before in the line.
01:09:30Like, you know, you're waitingand they try to like get in front of youbecause they're coming from a different line.And then the beep goes off for themand I go, that's what you get.Yeah.That's what you get.That's a universe.
01:09:38And they're like, whoa, oh, it's a random checks there.And it's a random check sir.Go to the bag.You watch me go past you.but i love how we're ending talking about traveling like we always do like we have to butevery time i walk through i feel like i have cocaine at my pussy every time i'm like did i leave a bombi know i know the first time i went through after i got screws in my knee i was like i know theysaid it's not going to go off but i was sure it was going to go off yeah um do you know when the people
01:10:12always they go back when they can't find what's going offand they start, they start stripping everything.Yeah, they're going back and forth.Yeah.Or when there's a person in front of you that has like a full wad of pennies in there,I mean, it's always like...The guilt that I have, if I accidentally forget something in your pocket.Oh my God.
01:10:31Everyone behind you is like, shame, shame, shame, stone them, stone them.Like Circee Lannister.Actually, just, just, we don't even have to talk about this much.We're done, but I'm just playing this because I think you're going toappreciate it. I feel like Hannah will get me on this one. When you're at like a cute little shop or like a farmer's market or fair or something and you talk to the person in the shop or running the booth and or just simply make eye contact with them, but you don't actually want to buy anything from there. It's so unbelievably awkward. And you're like, I'm so sorry, I can't afford this $600 sweater, but I will name my first child after you just so I can leave. I don't know. Maybe that's,That's just a me thing or like a pupil pleaser thing, but I find it so awkward.Well, this is the sales process because as someone who's been in sales, I prefer to sit backbecause I feel like more people will come when they don't feel like you force them to do something.
01:11:32But then if you're super aggressive and you're talking to everyone and getting them engaged,I feel like you also could force some people to buy stuff who wouldn't.So it's just like what avenue do you want to take of the two extremes?Like walking into a store and having them and me be like, what are you looking for?Panic through the roof.Torture.Like heartbeating.I could literally see the greatest shirt I've ever wanted and been like, I have to leave this place.
01:11:59Yeah.I got better at it over the years.In fact, when we went to the Prada store in Paris, because you were like obsessed with going to all those stores and we're in Paris.Oh, yeah.And, you know, you were like paranoid because the guy was like on us.Yeah.But I was just like, whatever.I used to work in Burberry.
01:12:14Like, I'm fine.And I was, like, making you try shit on it.Yeah, you have your try on like a $9,000 trench coat.Leather trench coat.Leather trench coat.And I was like, no.And you're like, do it.And I'm like, no.
01:12:26No.And you're like, I just got more comfortable.Because I actually know that it's like, they're fucking boy.There's nothing going on.They don't care if you don't buy.I never cared if people.See, in my head, I was like, they see this older guy with white hair and this young girl.And they think that like, we're just going to, you have so much money.
01:12:44And you're just going to.going to spend it all on me.Little do they know, I'm the onethat's cheap, and I'm not trying to buy anything.Yeah. I told,did I tell the Prada bag story on thispodcast before? Your momwith a Prada bag? No,
01:12:58somebody else, but you mentioned the next boyfriendearlier, so you can't getupset. We'll be even.No, just, I was in,I'd never been to L.A.And I'd done the Aspen Comedy Festival,so I had meetings in L.A.back when they mattered.
01:13:15And so I was like, oh, what's the L.A. gift?I'll buy something on Rodeo Drive because, you know, I'm like a lifetime of watching movieswhere it's like, you go to Rodeo Drive to be fancy.So I go to Rodeo Drive.I have no concept of the price of handbags at this stage of my life.I'm in my, whatever, my late 20s.And I've done okay.So I'm not afraid to go into Prada, but I have no concept of the price of
01:13:43bags. And even if somebody said to me, do you know how expensive they are? My guess would havebeen a third of what would have been a reasonable guess. Anyway, I find this awesome bag. Reallygood. I'm like, I'll take it. And you don't know the price. Yeah, I guess. No, it's not showing.Yeah. Don't know the price. Like, talk to the guy. Like, everything's going great. You know?I get to take, I don't even ask the price. The first time I see the price is when I go to signIt's a fucking credit card thing.And it was $2,600.And I fucking,
01:14:21I couldn't believe it.Did you buy it?Do you think I had the balls to be like, actually no?Did you return it the next day?No, it was a great gift.It was an incredible gift.It was very appreciated.You told this story before in the pod, by the way.
01:14:42Did I?Yeah.Why didn't you stop me?Because I wanted you to feel bad.I don't feel bad because I don't feel badwhen you bring up your ex-boyfriends.No, because I actually like that story.It's a funny.
01:14:51It's a funny story.Well, the thing, if you don't know,like purse costs are like...It was 2005, by the way, just so you know.Yeah, so that's like a $10,000 with inflation.Yeah.But it's crazy because if you, yeah,if you don't know fashion,
01:15:10purses are a sign, I guess, of...wealth. So it's literally just to brag that you have a stupidly expensive purse. But if youlook at it like, but the crazy thing is that... Prada has bags out of nylon that are like $1,500.Yeah, but the crazy thing about this Prada bag was it was like not a showy Prada bag. It was actually,it was really nice, this Prada bag. And I liked it because it was, it was like...Simple. And it was quite... Elegant. That's the word I'm looking for. And almost, yeah, it doesn'tmatter but the point is that like it wasn't for the flashiness of it it was for the yeah the craftsmanship ofit which is probably bullshit because yeah there's probably really not that much craftsmanship but
01:15:52it did look nice but that's not why i got it and it's i think it's insane the price of bagsyeah still to this day however we did have a good time bag shopping and con this out to franceand you got a nice bag that day yes but it took me a mu mu right it took me a whole week to getfirst designer bag. I went into every store. I had to give Hannah a lot of pep talks abouthow it wasn't wasteful. You know, you didn't give me pep talks. You started doing reversepsychology going, you're not going to do it. You're not buying a bag. We'd walk into storieslike, you're not going to buy anything. Because I literally, when I tell you, I walked into like 40stores, I couldn't pull the plug. I pulled the plug because I finally like texted page and I was
01:16:35like, is this the one? And she was like, do it. And I did it. And that was a nice bag.Yeah. Actually, it's funny enough, of all the female accessories,even though I think bags are just, the prices are outlandish.They are the nicest of the, like, they are the one thing that I kind of go, like, I getwhy you like this bag.Well, shoes I don't get.You know, Gen Z guys now, like, like, Jacob Allorty is out, like, he, he wears, like,a cool bag.
01:16:59Yeah, but it's funny, I've never, I've not into them for myself.Yeah, well, it's, it's a certain, are you allowed to say metrosexual?is that a word is that is that is that is that we're not allowed to say that anymore I don't know is thatwhen did that one go on the list I don't know I don't know I thought words were coming off the listI didn't know we were still adding them LGBQM happy pride you guys um yeah well the kittens areliterally doing Shawshank Redemption right now in oh yeah trying to escape um we love you guysI just added a main show I'm adding moreshows if you guys are like Hannah, why the hell
01:17:38haven't you announced Chicago?Yeah, you got some big cities still to come. Don't worry.But check if your city's there now.I actually just added some shows. I addeda weekend in Seattle, a Thursday inPortland in December. I addedAtlanta and otherplaces that I can't remember. And I
01:17:56have West Hampton Beach, August14th, which is a very important show for you all tocome to. All right, guys. Thank you so much.Thanks to Chris. Heavy editingbecause we had a lot of cat distractions.and we'll talk to you guys next week.Thank you.Something that's always awkward but shouldn't be
01:18:26is when you're getting your hair doneand the hairdresser does a big reveal at the endand they are gushing.They're saying, oh my gosh, this looks so good.This is so great.This is fantastic.And I never know how.to respond in those situations because I don't know whether to say thank you because it's my
01:18:40own hair or to compliment them because it's their work. And at that point, they're gushingover their own work. And I think about other professions and how that type of dynamic wouldnever work in another profession. An attorney couldn't hand their client a motion that they wroteand say, this motion is great. It's gold, greatest motion of all time. It would just bea weird, awkward environment in any other profession yet it's acceptable in the hair industry.and I just never know how to respond.I just end up going, yeah.And then I think I don't like it and it becomes a whole thing.
01:19:13And then I have to switch hairdressers.Hi, love you both.I'm laying in bed right now.So if I sound like an old man, that's why something that shouldn't be awkward that always is for some reason is like waiting for your baggage to come off the fucking baggage claim.Like, why is that awkward?And then to follow that up, like, when you're waiting on the curb at the airport for your Uber or friend or whoever picking you up, like, if you just look around, like, everyone looks so awkward and uncomfortable, like, just, like, looking at their phone, like, waiting on the curb on the side of the road.Yeah, I don't know.The airport's just awkward in general.
01:19:57Okay, love you both.Bye.Hi, Hannah.Hi, hi, Des.So one thing that's incredibly awkward and really shouldn't be is pulling up to a red light.There's always going to be a car next to you, and it always feels like they're just staring at you.So then you pull up a couple inches because they're not directly looking at you.And then the light's like about to turn green.
01:20:19So then they pull up a couple inches.And now we're almost like racing or holding hands at the red light.I don't even know, but it's very weird, very intimate, and very uncomfortable.Love you guys. Bye.Okay, one thing that's always awkward is when you're like kind of walking the same pace as someone on a sidewalk and you want to pass them and you're like, you're going like, you're right behind them or you're like the same speed as them and you like do that awkward little speedwalk ahead of them and then they're like awkwardly behind you and it's just like that weird few seconds until there's like a good gap between you guys again. Am I the only one that thinks that's awkward though?one of the most awkward things I know is when I'm at the office and I said good morning to everybodyand then later or like during the day I meet them in the hallway and I don't know if how toapproach them should I say hi again should I ignore them so I always give them a very creepy
01:21:18smile and I feel like I just make everything so much more awkwardAnd it shouldn't be like that.Introductions. Do I hug? Do I wave? Do I shake your hand? Do I give you the side eye? Like, how are we doing this? How are we saying hi? How are we introducing ourselves to new people?Okay. I don't know why, but anytime I have to call the mechanic or the car dealer and explain what is going wrong with my car, I suddenly become so awkward and,don't know exactly how to explain it to the point that I'm using sound effects and words I'venever used before. Like I have any idea what I'm talking about.
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.