Berner Phone - Berner Phone #97: It Shouldn't Be Awkward

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

There are many things in life that shouldn't be awkward like waiting in line and sitting in traffic, but somehow our brains trick us into thinking we're embarassing ourselves. The dialers are sharing the random moments that make them feel awkward in public. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to see Des live

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, it's Mom and Dad, because I'm a mom. It's Kitten Central here. You're supposed to say Mamacita? Mamacita? Oh, sorry. Do you want to do it again? I'm a mom.

Mamacita? No, like a real mom Like I'm a mommy No, I'm a mommy That was actually exact And we should win an Oscar for that performance You guys I don't know what happened

But Des Let Me Foster Three kittens Let Me sounds so like Patriarchal True And that's not what happened He wanted to

Yeah, I'm a fan of fostering kittens to help them be socialized and you know I was also wanted curious to see if butter would soften up around like like maybe see if

if there was a hint of giving her life purpose like she might be like I'm a mommy I'm a mommy okay so this is what happened with butter the kittens are in like this tent in a room oh yeah and we keep in there with three of them

and we keep them there because they want to get used to their space but we're supposed to socialize them so pick them up. Our jobs. Pets also are getting like modern parenting gear. Yeah.

Like I feel like this type of pen. It's like we have a toddler. Yeah. Like pet gear is really updated. It has. But our job is literally just to like love them and show them affection so they get socialized to love humans.

We have a camera for their bed and we when they cry. I get an alarm. I get an alarm if they've, moving around so butter what's the word for the kid thing oh oh my god we are not the audience but watch how annoying we are if we have kids of all the technology i'll be like my shirper-durp isn't working so butter's doing her nighttime routine she comes out she's excited she goes into the sunroom and she realizes there's another live animal but she's not scared or angry

She just is freak the fuck out. She wasn't curious either. She immediately was like, I don't know what's in there and I don't want to know. She fluffed up a little bit and she hasn't left the bedroom in a day. Yeah. So that experiment didn't work. But I want to name the three of them. But apparently this is the drama, you guys.

Someone on Instagram DM me and said, hey, they were found. in my yard in Bridge Hampton and there's a fourth sibling that we're trying to get right now so hopefully by tomorrow we'll be able to get the fourth so they can all be together but in the meantime we have a podcast show. Oh I forgot I could talk about this forever. I am trying to

come up with names right now I really like hazelnut almond and cashew because of their colors, and one of them's a girl, two boys. But then everyone's like, do pistachio. But I'm like, pistachio is so many syllables. A lot of syllables. Stash-y, I don't know.

But then someone said something really funny. They're naming their cats after bagels. So like poppy, sesame. And cinnamon raisin. Cinnamon raisin. And everything. And everything. And plain.

Garlic. Onion. Yeah. Garlic and onion. Garlic. Garlic and onion. Come here. That's not that funny, is it?

It's funny. When I laugh, too hard does go, no. No, because like, we're just going through the bagels. No, but I also just, I love envisioning the cats with cats with food names you guys know is like my thing. Like, it's my purpose. Right. She called them carry in gold. What about the third?

Butter. carry gold butter. Well, but you can't do butter because of butter. But that's why I was saying carrying gold. Yeah.

Land of lakes. Okay. Des, can we focus on the podcast? Sorry, folks. Hey, you wanted to talk

about the names. We actually have a really fun topic. Straight from the Spotify comments. From the Spotify comments. And the Spotify comments are aware that the prompt came from the Spotify comments

because there was comments on the comment that became the thing. So Spotify comments are lit. Inception. Are we getting more comments? it's like still the same. It's the same act of people every week. No, but they're lit. They're lit. Yeah. No, because somebody was like, oh my God. So I saw the prompt, took a screenshot, set it to you. I came to the prompt. And then somebody was like, oh my God, this is the prompt this

week. It was noted that it was from the comments. Oh, shout out to our Spotify community. We love you. Oh, actually, to be honest, man, we have we have a ton of good prompts coming up. I'm excited. I got three awesome suggestions from a dialer that actually was at the front row of my show in Chicago, New Year's Eve, two years ago. And don't forget a face. She sent me a full list of prompts. So some of them will be in the mix. And I've screenshot numerous ones that came into my DM. So we're pretty, I think we're the most well equipped with future prompts than we've been in a long time.

Because the dialers were stressed out. They wanted to know the process. They want to know in advance. Are we good? Before we immediately start the pod, one more note about the kittens, they are going to be available for adoption. And then we just have to wait until they're not big enough. They're not big enough. They have to be two pounds each to get a neutered or spayed.

However, Southampton Animal Shelter right now has an influx of the cutest kittens. There's one name, Saint that I'm obsessed with. But check it out, Southampton Animal Shelter.com. They also have a wonderful eight-year-old senior cat that unfortunately the person had to give it up or was it a dad. I can't remember, but anyway, Penny Lane. Penny Lane is so cute. Beautiful, unique colored cat, great demeanor. Two others came in because their owner passed away.

And they're so perfect and sweet. So anyway, get a cat. If you're waiting for a sign, here's your sign, get a cat. What is the prompt? The prompt was, what is something that shouldn't be awkward but is? Someone messaged me and they said, um, eating dinner with your husband of 10 years. that is funny or like you know day 14 of a dinner with your like on a vacation with your

friend true true we're not going to spend this much time together when you haven't seen you're sitting up another for a while and you see them for the first time after a couple weeks and you're like you're still the same person that's a you think I feel like other relationships. All right. So will we just get into it? There's so many good ones. This was heavily, there was a lot.

Like a lot. Being awkward is like, my everything as well. Cats and being awkward. So this is really exciting. Let's get into it. I want to start with the main one that came up. Saying goodbye to someone and then you both keep walking in the same direction. Nice and quick.

It's the worst. The worst. It's the, oh my God. My head. got hot as she said that yeah i can feel it i didn't know as an australian but it is um that's not why i picked it we have the most globalized podcast um that's why as i've gotten older as i've gotten wiser i feel like i check have you ever i feel like i check like oh what were you going have you ever gone the wrong way just deliberately to avoid that situation every time well especially

New York City because it's not like we're walking to get to our cars. New York City, you can get anywhere. So if they're going that way, I'm going the other way and we're taking a little detour. How awkward is that if they, you both, no, you both went the opposite way and then you meet back around the corner because it's like, actually, I need to go this way, but you go that way. Oh my God. Actually, adding on to that, it's awkward for no reason is when I'm walking somewhere in New York and I realize I walked past it or walked the wrong way and I have to turn around and then you see like the same people who were like sitting outside the stoop and it's like, I didn't do

anything wrong, but it's like, look at this freaking idiot walking back. Look at her. She's freaking stupid. Well, that's like a stoop memory. Yeah. People hanging on the stoop. But like there's always someone standing out, you know, smoking a cigarette. Then you see them again.

You're like, yeah, I'm fucking stupid. I don't know where I'm going. I mean, saying goodbye in general is super awkward. Yeah. Can be for sure. What's his name? Brett Goldstein and his special. was joking about how British and I think a lot of other cultures take forever to say goodbye.

They're like, okay, okay, bye, yeah. Tell the kids. Yeah, Irish people have to joke about the bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, we're like, some Americans will just, I'm just like, bye, bye, hang up. And then they're always, like, mid saying something and then I call back and I'm like, sorry to hang up on you. Did you say something? Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say something there.

Oh, I think we've talked about this before, which I'm always paranoid about. But I used to, my mother always used to do this. And when people do it, I'm always like, no, you want to go. They say, let me let you go. Oh, yeah, that's a genius. It's like, yo, don't put it on to me. I'll let you go. Like, I know you're busy.

Oh, that's the other one. People say, I know you're busy, so I'm going to let you go. It's like, no, you want to get off the phone. Yeah. Don't make it seem like I'm the one. Did your mom tell you that that was like a good way to get out of it? you just observed it. No, because, you know.

You never say I'll let you go. What? You never say that to people. I feel like there's a lot of that stuff. You don't need to do it anymore. Nobody's on the phone. Yeah. What was annoying was during COVID when you're on the phone with someone, you can never get off

because they knew you had nothing to do. Do you remember that? Because now you'll be like, okay, I'm getting an elevator. Like, okay, I'm jump. I have to, I'm run into this. Oh, my God. I have to go get a COVID test. no it'd be like my mom needs me and then they hang up i have to go make a tic-tok there's a new

trend yeah there's a new trend i have to post it real quick the weekend came out with a new song i have to learn the dance i have to watch what was it animal king the the lion king no tiger king tiger king i thought Donald trump was gonna pardon me um all right oh god the lion that the tiger king taking me back what was it Baskin what's the Baskins what was her first name Carol Baskin oh yeah and then they were like music related to it yeah she killed her husband and all this stuff

oh my God they did a savage song remix to it Carol Baskin Nan it Bogey Ratchett Oh yeah All those songs I can't even the weekend when I hear blinding lights It gives me nauseous

I just think about the pandemic I know what was another what was another pandemic song Well, I'm a savage Yeah, a savage What was there was a couple There's a couple when I hear them I just automatically think of the pandemic Yeah

I can't think of them now Yeah All right Let's Let's keep it going Let's keep the train moving Oh yeah This is this is a common one

I don't know if this is a unique experience or not But when the waiter Is like clearing the table And you have What could be perceived to be not much left on your plate or not much left in your glass and they try to take it and you have to be like oh no no like sorry I'm not done like I was saving like those last couple sips like fuck me I hate that so much like it's so I don't know why I find that so uncomfortable

this is why I love comedy because people are like has this ever happened to anyone ever and everyone's like literally all of us. All of us. That is so funny. It's so relatable. It's so relatable. My thing is I'm a people pleaser. So like I'm like, yeah, take my whole meal. No, because the reality is when you say it, you're like, I'm a fat bitch. Yeah. Sorry. I'm more of a drink person where like I will order like an iced tea. And then when I'm towards the end of it, I kind of like the ice melting and it still tastes a little iced tea and I'm like slowly grow, where they'll just grab the iced tea when they see like that it's not colored anymore when I have a whole process that I'm doing. Yes. But I can't be like, sorry,

I'm waiting for that ice to melt. Like that sounds insane. But what I will do is sometimes I'll start adding water to like whatever juice or drink I have, even alcoholic drink. I'll start adding water as I'm drinking it. So it like never goes down. It never goes down. Yeah, because I do feel like you feel like you're being a fatty when they come and you're like, no, I'm still eating. But also, I, to be honest, I think it's, I think it's kind of bad service. Yeah. When, like, they don't check in that situation. There's a cultural difference between Ireland. So when I was trained to be a waiter in Ireland, and I'm pretty sure this is universal, you're not meant to take all the dishes until everybody's done. But I notice in

America, it's like if one person is done, they'll take it. And the rest of them are still Well, that was why I had a breakup with one of my exes because he was, like, painfully slow at eating. Oh, my God. I told you, like, once he had a kale salad and he was chewing so much that, like, I got the ick permanently. He's chewing the cud? It was all, it was a lot.

Like a fucking horse. Oh, my God. It was horrible. You would have, you would have lost your mind. I don't, I know that horses don't chew the cud. It was two separate thoughts. Just in case there's anybody out there. I don't, I don't even know what cut is.

I was just going with it. No, chewing the. That's how cows eat. Oh. They swallow it and then they actually, they regurgitate it and then they, they swallow it again. Oh, thank you for that. Sorry about that. Thank you.

Thank you. Everyone's day is better now that they've learned that. But he, at a restaurant, I eat really fast. It's a problem. I'm talking to someone about it. You eat really fast? You're talking to somebody about it? I mean, I'm going to talk to a therapist about it.

Why? I don't know. I know why I eat fast is because I grew up in the fucking 80s where we're outside of in the middle of a game, our mother would shout us for dinner and I fucking wanted to get as fast as possible because everyone's holding the score until we fucking get back out in the game. That's why I eat.

Mine was literally because I had tennis practice. Yeah, exactly, man. You got to get back out. So I would eat really quick to the point where it's like there's nothing on my plate. Obviously, they're going to take it. But then he'd be just like talking and slowly chewing. And then they'd keep trying to take his

because I'm sitting there with nothing. So they kept assuming he was just done. So he kept having to put his arm and be like, no, I'm not finished, no, I'm not finished. And the whole thing, I'm like, I can't do this anymore. Like, I want a divorce. No, you didn't need a divorce from your teenage boyfriend or whatever. 20's boyfriend.

I had a lot of husbands. This is the perfect time to tell you about it. But actually what I realize, though, is if I have some food on my plate and they say, are you done? I say, oh, no. I don't care how. You don't care how you're perceived. I don't care how I'm perceived.

If they go to grab it, I go, oh, sorry, not done. Ah, uh-uh, uh-uh. Swat the hand away. I don't, I think it's cute for me to be like, oh, sorry, not done. No big deal. No big deal. And I know it might just be like, yeah, like one more piece of chicken, but like I paid for that chicken. And if the meal was freaking, you're in the Hamptons, it's a $40 chicken, I'm eating that $5

of chicken. By the way, speaking of speeds of eating, we discovered today, that you know that Americans and Europeans eat differently, right? You know that. I didn't know that. Yeah, they do. Like, because they hold a fork and knife at the same time. Americans, not all, but a lot of Americans swap.

They cut and then they swap hands. So really, that's how I used to eat until I moved to Ireland. And I was always like, why am I fucking such a slow eater compared to all these fucking savages that I'm in boarding school with? And I discover it's because the different way. So now I eat like a European, which I think is the better way to eat. Do you think it's faster? It's faster and it's better.

Yeah. The swapping is crazy. Yeah. It's entirely inefficient. Don't always talk about it's like when you, you're cutting the knife with the right, then you put the knife down, switch, put the fork in the right and eat it. Yes. Yeah, I don't do that.

You don't do that, which is weird. You eat like a European. I've never felt so cool. Growing up, we made fun of my dad. I'd never realized like, why, like, why is it so different? Because he ate like a European. And we used to make fun of him because he would get like a little. little bit of everything onto one fucking bite.

Yeah. So we'd have like, he'd have like a miniature plate of food on every bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we thought that was weird, but then we realized that. Well, I also, yeah, I like to use the knife to push it onto the fork. There's a whole thing.

That's the way you do it. Yeah, that's what you do. But a lot of people don't. I think it's clunky putting down the, it's too much movement. I want it easy. Yeah. Easy technique.

I wonder if some people are hearing this and not realizing that different people have different fork and knife technique. Yeah, and I don't know if it's a European thing or it's just like a, like how people hold their pencils. I mean, why do people think forks on the left, knives on the right?

Why do they think that? Patriarchy. Yeah, it's, but, you know. But it does, it does make you think about, like, how people hold their pens. You ever see Taylor Swift hold a pen? No. She's like, no, she holds a pen like crazy. Like, Google it. But it's, I mean,

she's a genius, but like, she puts the pen in between the middle finger and the front finger. She writes like that. She writes like that. Yeah, and you know, to each his own. To each, well, no one gets taught that, but you just, like, start doing it. And it's like, let it be free. I hold chopsticks unorthodox, but it's effective. But it's not the correct way.

Yeah. I play pool lefty. Really? Yeah. Interesting. How do we get here? I don't know. Let's go.

This one I thought was kind of funny. Dude, something that should not be awkward, but always fucking is, is when you get, like, that fucking little short period when you get out of the pool and you're walking back to your friends and it's like oh like getting out of the pool and you don't know who's looking at your butt like I just can't and then another one that is so awkward is after you bowl walking back and like you bowl walking back to the group like everyone's looking at you did you hit pins did you get a strike like I don't know it shouldn't be awkward but it always fucking is like why is it weird I don't know I feel like it's a walk off like I don't know

I hate it That's like you At the end of your comedy shows Hannah's not great At the end of show Salutation So I didn't know this But I guess comics

Like have a way That they end shows In my head I like to like Get that last laugh On my closer And then while people are still laughing Be like

That's my time Thank you Have a good night And Des was like Wait for them to stop laughing Well, no, but it wasn't that so much the wait to stop laughing. It was just like, you didn't. I did it too quick.

There was just something abrupt about your finishing. That's not the way it shows was too abrupt. But honestly, like walking out on stage feels so awkward. But then when you watch it, you're like, oh, I don't look awkward. Yeah. But do you feel awkward like when you have to do a long walk onto like a big theater? It really depends on the scenario. Yeah.

You know, I like. I'm always like, because I'm like, I feel like I have to move, like I have to wave, and then I have to, like, I just feel like I always have to be entertaining. Like, just walking up isn't enough. But I get the walking out of the, you know, like, even like coming out of the water, walking back. You're very exposed. That's part of it. Yeah. I mean, I'm like, honestly, so over bikinis, even though, like, I love bikinis. I just want to normalize, like, T-shirt bathing suits. Like, why? I want to go, I was talking about in Gugoo Squad. I want to go back to the 40s. Like, I actually did, like,

the bathing suits, so how covered they were. What? I don't know. You just sounded MAGA right there. I don't know. Things that just said, yeah, things have just gone too far. I just think women should stay at home, have kids, and cover their pussies. Like, did you see Sabrina Carpenter's last album?

Like, we're being, we're being backwards. No. This is also my mental illness that maybe people can relate to as women. I either think I'm like embarrassingly gorgeous. Like I'm Denise Richards getting out of the pool where it's like awkward for people because I look so good getting out the pool. I'm like, is everyone getting a boner? Like is everyone going to be okay?

Or I think I look in like disgusting and that everyone is making fun of me. Like there's no in between. No in between. But the truth is when you walk out in that vulnerable moment, It's either a hit or a miss, but this is one of those things that I would say, not to promote my own tour, but how I look getting out of the pool is none of my business. It's not for you. It's not, it's none of my business, what they think, what I think. I'm just getting out of the pool. Yeah. I mean, I have to say, Thanksgiving this year, we were getting work done.

And my brother and I, the pool wasn't covered. So it was late and the pool was still open. so my brother and I went for a cold plunge and you filmed it and it ruined your life i i i never need to see that back fat ever again just that like getting closer to middle age fucking well i'm middle age but i meant i was going to say 50 and i stopped myself i didn't want to freak out the dialers but not going to be 50 in november and uh i just saw that back fat and i was just like good lord I also feel like watching movies Women always look so sexy

Like in the shower Or yeah in the pool And they like put their hair back And like their hair's all wet And then you see yourself At least me with my hair wet And I'm like oh my god I look like a wet mole rat

Yeah it's funny I like the way my hair looks wet I'm a pro wet hair guy You're very good looking Hannah wished I just prefer my I like a wet hair look You have the cheekbones

That's all I'm saying pull up a slick back if you needed to yeah and i could also i think it's really shocking in my career that i haven't been cast either as a new york city police officer or a shaved head eastern european like mafioso hitman maybe an agent's listening you know it's just it's unacceptable i can definitely play at least a firefighter shit i how have i not been a firefighter like how have i been fucking cast in one of Dennis Leary's things. Do you know earlier you said, you were saying, I thought,

you said, I thought something and you said I taught. Like, I taught, I saw a pussy gal. I didn't say, I taught. Chris, rewind. Chris, rewind to, when he was starting the last, the last prompt, rewind to that plate now. I said, I taught. You go, I taught.

This one I taught was kind of funny. Okay, look, we need to catch. Oh, so we didn't talk about the bowling section of this product. The bowling thing is like if you're not making a joke, if you're not like exaggerating your finish, or like, you know, putting your leg really far behind. I'm like, if you get a strike, if you're not going nuts, then there's something wrong with you.

That's how you get over the awkwardness. Also, as a tennis player, there's a lot of like reaction to winning and losing. So I always felt like I'm either doing a big fist pump or I'm pissed and I'm, I'm cursing, you know, like, you just got to give reaction. If you just walk back with no emotion, you're a serial killer. I also want to point out that bowling is awesome for one frame, for one game, one game. You know that I like. And then the second, I have never cared through a full second game.

One game, I am in the zone. Second game, I'm over. like, I feel dirty, my hands, just, it's... You know the two sports that I hate. No. Frisbee? You hate Frisbee? And bowling.

Sorry, you hate Frisbee? I hate Frisbee and I hate bowling because I am so bad at them. Oh. I don't know if it's a... So you hate being bad at things? No, I don't mind being bad at certain things, but those two sports are sports that, like, people either have played forever and they're just, like, good at it, or like, I feel like, you just can't get the hang of it like you're in your head about throwing a frisbee i'm in my head

about both i have the yips like i last time shout out to um rory scovel last time i threw a frisbee i killed an entire family he says that that's one of his jokes he was a whole joke about people who throw the frisbee the the way where they don't go across their body they go this way and it's like what why are they who they're doing that for like what's up ladies and he throws the I know we've, we'd never have guests on the burn phone, but I feel like he would be a fun guy to get on just because we both have our own Rory relationship. I love him. And he's like, I think he would be under the radar for a lot of dialers.

Rory Scoville. And he would be a nice guy to introduce to them. Roy Scoville, the first time I ever did stand up on Netflix, such a great special. Also, I did creep him out, like straight up to his face. I was like, you're my favorite thing of me. And he, like... He loved it. He's the nicest guy.

He's the nicest guy. Well, also... Super funny. One more story about Rory. Underrated. We were waiting backstage because we were doing like a live podcast together. Backstage, he's telling me some story about having a stomach ink on a plane ride. I was crying, laughing.

Like, he was murdering backstage to the point that I'm like, save it. But it's like, no, he's just going to keep going. He's just crazy. Great golf. Anyway, shout out, Rory. With bowling, I think it's because of my tennis swing. There's something I do wrong with the wrist, and I, like, I can't do it. Also, one of the kittens is so cute.

She's trying to escape right now. Oh, right. That means they're getting confident. She's getting confident. Oh, my God, it's so cute, my little piece is a little nut. All right, well, let's keep it going. We're getting so much, oh, this one is it. This one is a big, I'm so glad to talk.

I feel like this is like there's stand-up in this. And I, if we, if one of us ever does a bit about this, register this moment. It comes from, I'm not saying this person talking about is the best thing ever, but this topic is a good topic. Hi, Hannah and Des. My name is Marcella, a long time listener, first time caller. One thing I think is super awkward is when you're in like a department store, like you're in Nordstrom rack or something and you're going to try on clothes and you bring in like a whole bunch of stuff and they make you count it. it's whatever you try them on you know you like nothing and then you walk out and you have to go back to the front and like put this giant stack of clothing in front of this girl like hey yeah i am going to make you put back every single item and i just feel terrible like it's awkward

it's like oh you really didn't like a single thing did you and and no no i didn't yes the judgment well it's also such a journey of emotions because first you go into the store and you're like you're like let's have fun and then you're like wow wait there's a lot of stuff that I could see myself getting and then you're like fuck it let's try them all on yes yes and then the dread starts to hit as you realize you don't like anything then in your head you're like do I just buy it I because I just don't want to deal with the awkwardness also it's like it's not like I feel bad for them too but I also feel like they're looking at you being like you don't know who you are you chose 30 I that you don't like like do you even know understand yourself but they don't care though that's the thing because i've worked in retail and like yeah the whole thing about in my opinion the whole thing about like oh i feel bad because they have to put this back they're happy to put shit back because i used to be happy to have shit to do yeah because a lot of time it's there's nothing to do yeah and like of all the annoying jobs like putting that shit back is not annoying but it does seem so

like spoiled like anything you can't but is there anything worse than like you're grabbing a thing thinking like this is it especially if you have like like sometimes I'm like under pressure I have a terrible habit of buying clothes for important events late yes and so you're like under pressure and then you grab something and you're in the fucking lip fitting room and you're like this is it and you put it on it doesn't fit or it looks like shit or it feels like shit and you're like fuck and then like is there anything worse than you're having to go back out and get more shit? I know. How do you feel when you go back out? And have to do it

again? How do you feel when you go back out with clothes from the place? Oh, like you're wearing it? Sometimes I do because I'm just like, I'm not fucking getting back into my own shit to get back out of it again because I know I need to get more shit. It's fine unless I'm in Eritzia. The thing with Eritzia is they don't have mirrors.

What? So everyone, when you want to see it, you have to walk out into the main dressing area where everyone else is walking out and you're all looking in the same mirror. Like, it's a, it's a sick joke. How do you feel when strangers get involved? Hate it.

When somebody's like, that looks good on you. Obviously, they're going to say that. What are they going to say? No, that looks like shit. No, no. I don't mean the salespeople. I mean, like, oh, the people like, like the mother of the girl who's in the stall next store, she's like, oh, that looks good on you.

But then you feel like, oh, great, now I have to piss you off too. Now I have to be like, you have no taste and you have no taste. and your store doesn't get my sizing. It's like, yeah, I know I have a nice butt, but this outfit looks stupid, okay? I also, hot take, it's also embarrassing when you grab a lot of crap and you decide you want to buy all of it.

You think that's embarrassing? Yeah, because... I think that's a home run. I feel like there's... You pick stuff knowing there's about a... What would you say the rate is? I'd say... Oh, yeah, what's the percentage?

You want to have like a 30% success rate when you grab... clothes, I feel like. Well, as I've gotten older, I realize the play is bring a ton of shit into the fitting room. I know some of these places have like, oh, you can only bring four. You know, that's kind of annoying. They have like, the

Gestapo on the fucking, the fitting room. And they're like, is that six? Let me count. They give you like the plastic tag. Yeah. Six. And you have to come out with the tag. Yes, because people I guess are stealing stuff. Yeah, I understand. That's keep track. I got it. But also like it's H&M, babe. It costs them one cent to make.

But does H&M make you count? Probably not. Yeah, because they're like, take it. We don't care. It costs five cents. I mean, it costs a child's full day of labor, but other than that. I mean, we're not, yeah. We're not, sorry, just for the record, that was a joke and we're not alleging in any way, shape, or form that H&M uses child labor.

Is that what? No, so I don't like going in with a bunch of stuff. And then when you leave with a bunch, they're always like, Oh, wow. Oh, you liked it all. Oh, it's like when you finish your meal fully, and the waiter's like, oh, somebody liked their food. I, as I've gotten older, though, like I like getting new clothes, but I kind of hate shopping. So my new thing now is I just, I just grab a load of shit. Sometimes two sizes of the same thing.

Yep. I take them home and I try them on a home. I just return them. I know it's two trips to the thing, but it's like, I'd rather just go back and just return the shit that I don't like. I haven't actually shopped for clothes, not online and forever, except vintage shopping, because that's the experience. Vintage is going in and being like it's only available here, it's not online, where it's like otherwise buy stuff and then like hope you remember to return it. I don't like buying clothes online. And sports stuff, yeah. You know, shit for training, no problem, but actual clothes, I have a very low hit rate of online buying.

What fits? Because like I just said, I like to take the stuff home and then return it. But I don't like returning. I'm going to say it is still low hit rate online. Yeah, but I don't like returning with UPS. I've gotten better at it. Some places like revolve, they give you, it's like very easy and then you know I'm going to do it. But sometimes I have PTSD because my mother.

loved, towards the end of my mother's life, she loved buying shit on Amazon and returning it. But then I would get the calls of, Desmond, the printer isn't working. I got a printer return label. So I think I have PTSD from return labels. That's part of the reason why I don't like online shopping. Blame a woman. Printers suck. No, I'm blaming printers. I'm not blaming my mother. Yeah, not your mom. Printers suck. Yeah, we know. We just bought one and it's broken. They work 30% of the time. Also, because you know they break so often, sometimes I think you can fix it, but you're already like, it's a fucking broken printer. I can't do anything with this. All right.

This is not going to be that interesting, but there's going to be somebody that listens to this that's going to be like, oh, my God. I recently had to sign a legal document for somebody, right? It was like an immigration thing for a friend that I'm helping from China. And official document, I print it, I sign it, I scan it. They say it has to be printed and signed, but you can scan it and send back. You can't e-sign, but you can print, sign, scan. print signs again guy says oh no it has to be it has to include the barcode at the bottom weeks i can't get this fucking barcode on the fucking paper then i discover when it prints it's

not coming then i discover did you know that legal documents are on a different size paper did you know that in your life because i didn't until last week when would i know that so and then on in the printer when you print there's different options for paper size and you change you buy legal pay i had to buy it to go to Staples and get, well, I didn't, I actually going to contradict myself. I got the paper online, bought legal paper and then print, press legal, print, and there was the barcode. It took me weeks to figure that out. So that's just another printer drama that I've had in recent times. And we've had a lot of it. Yes. And you always turn to me like, the printer's not working. Like, like I have any more skills in figuring out the printer.

I feel like because you're older, you're better at printers. Yeah, but I'm not. I'm just, I'm more hurt. I've had more years of being let down by printers. Shout out, you know, my dad used to sell fax machines door to door. Or the old school prints, like, yeah, every line and then you had to rip off the, you had to rip off the edges of the paper. Also, do you remember those? No. The edges of the paper. Oh, yeah, that's old school.

But also, you remember like in your office, if you ever had an office, these fax machines, were friggin' huge. Yes. Like, that's unnecessary. Faxing was, fuck. I actually, I think if I sent 10 faxes in my life, it was a lot. Like, very... I've never faxed anything.

It was always some legal bullshit that was like, it has to be faxed. And it was very rare that you would send a fact. Hannah, by the way, just for the dollars, Hannah, it's very distracted by the kittens, just so you know. No, I just turned because they're, like, kind, they're being really cute right now. And one of them's licking the other one. all right listen it's a dez moment here it's a dez moment here oh okay this is like you know like peewe's playhouse yeah because you watch the documentary and it was like the secret word yeah well you know the secret word on on burn the phone is how long will it take before this topic comes up

hi hannah does something that's awkward that probably shouldn't be our wakes it's bad enough when someone dies but then the thought of having to go down a line and neither like to shake someone's hand, awkwardly wave, hug, people you don't even know in their family. It's just, it's so difficult. I really feel awkward, but I feel so bad that someone died at the same time. So it just makes for a really uncomfortable situation. Yeah.

All right. Love you both. It is so, oh. So say, you know, when you go to like, like a close friend of yours, like grandmother dies, but you only know that one person who's like, 18, 21, 22 years old or something, right? But then you have to like give your condolences to their parents that you don't even know. Like, I'm sorry for your loss.

Like, who are you? You have to fucking introduce yourself? I know that like you don't want to talk to a stranger right now because a close person of your life just died and talking to strangers. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I'm here to support even though I know you don't want me to talk to you right now. But here's the thing. Here's what I always say.

Sorry for your loss. My condolences, move on. That's the trick. there's nothing else you know you just do the handshake like we recently we went to a friend of mine's father died and we went to the wake and even that i found awkward because it was like i know him and i know his wife and his daughters but then his brother was there and like other people that and then that is awkward well yeah especially if you guys start talking about like a different topic and then it's like you're meeting people yeah at a wake and they're like oh so how do you

No, so. No, because wakes with people, like, like, here's the crazy thing. Like, wakes for you are fucking awesome because you know so many people. You see, people you haven't seen in a long time. The grief part sucks, but the fucking social part is awesome. But when you have to go to a wake, you only, you know, it's only good when you like know tons of people. Yeah.

Then it's kind of like sad slash fun. On the other end, this reminds me of, this is like a meme, I feel like, but it's really, hits home for me. Just I never feel more awkward than the eight seconds or 10 seconds that people are singing happy birthday to me. Oh, that came up a lot, actually. But what I realized, do you sing it? Great question. I don't. I just sit there. Like, what do I do with my hands? It's tank forever. It's so awkward. I hate it. But I realize when you have situations like that, put yourself in other people's shoes because you're feeling awkward because you think they're looking at you being like Hannah's just sitting there what is she doing?

Why is she smiling like that? Whenever I have to sing happy birthday, I'm in my own head trying to hit the hard note. I can't even envision. I don't think I even look at the person who's birthday it is. What's the hard note?

Happy birthday. That's a pretty impressive skill that you could hit that moment. Like, I don't mean you hit the note that you've remembered that you came in two thirds in which was song. I would have to do. It's like trying to.

A, B, C, D, EFG. It's like, which letter of the alphabet? I can't. If you say what's after R, what's after R? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, A, B, C, L, O, Q, R. And then if you skimby, you have to start over. But the fact that you were like, see, I still can't remember, what is it? Have, but, oh, yeah, that one.

Yeah, well, in my head, I said, Happy bird, yeah, I can't hit that. So my mom said, I actually have good tone. I just, am not a good tone. good singer, but I'm not toned deaf. Like, I can hit the notes just badly. I never, I don't think I'm a good singer, but I would say I'm somebody who at times can pass as a good singer. Well, this was the whole thing and Paige and Hannah try new things, one of our episodes about the Wicked song. I said, I can't sing, but I think I could accidentally hit a note. Right. And like people

say, even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Even a broken clock is right, twice a day. Yeah. Even I could hit a crazy note if I try a lot. Yeah. But can I sing a song? No. There are some songs that I can sing.

There are some songs that I can sing. And I've had to sing on stage a couple of times. As the temperature starts rising, I feel that urge to refresh my closet. But I don't want to waste money on a ton of new clothes, especially ones that I'm only going to wear a couple times. or it's going to rip or like I put it in the wash once and it's gone and a lot of summer clothes is like that and that's why I love quince their clothes are timeless lightweight and far more elevated than anything else at this price it finally feels like my wardrobe matches my standards and I'm also look I'm in my 30s and I want to wear classy stuff that looks like I'm a professional human and I'm not just wearing like low quality materials

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Hey mom and dad So I have three The first one I know I'm not alone But the second two I might be The first one is definitely Underwear at the gynecologist I don't know why it's so awkward But everyone feels the need

That you just need to hide that shit It's like illegal if that's seen by the doctor Even though they're literally going down there Second is Getting off the phone with like a coworker or an acquaintance, like leading to goodbye and saying goodbye or trying to end the conversation, I feel like I have to pace around the house to get through it. And then third is buying tampons or pads.

Like if I'm in Target, I just feel that I need to, like, hide the box if I'm walking around or if I'm at self-checkout, that should need to, like, immediately go in the bag. Like I said, I might be alone in this, but thanks. guys. I've never been to the gynecologist. Well, it's so funny because they're literally up your canal, but there is something where like, you don't want them to see your bra. I always have a female gynecologist. That's just where I tend to go. So I don't care. But I know what she means like, yeah, you're looking at my pussy, but don't look at my underwear. Well, I, I'm a Commando a lot of the time.

Commando guy. Even in jeans. And when I go to the doctor, I have to wear underwear to like, I don't want to be judged by the doctor. That's like the only time I wear underwear. You know what the doctor, when the doctor asks you like,

how many drinks do you have per week? I love when they ask me. No, but sometimes they'll be like, oh yeah, and I'll say zero. And they'll be like, I don't judge. They think I'm lying. maybe because I don't fit the mold like most girls my age

or like having more cocktails you present as a party girl I present as a party girl everyone thinks I do cocaine and they literally go you can tell me and then I think I'm like I feel like I'm lying

and then I'm like what would someone who's not lying sound like and then I'm not lying and then I become too defensive I mean I got pulled over I got pulled over in Australia one time or else it was a check it was like a checkpoint and they were like I had to blow in the thing I was like yes

finally finally I'm just a bad driver never been more confident in all my life they were like give me a good blow there I was like yeah motherfucker also you know this is like past awkward they were like have you drank tonight I said no not since 1995 also this is past awkwardness but when the doctor when they just go um are you depressed I always lie and say no. Oh, I've never, I never admit any mental health shit on doctors. I mean, I've literally do the click, the checkboxes where I'll be like, okay, I'll do anxiety today, but I'm not also putting depression.

The other guy think I'm crazy. Yeah, I don't, I don't put any in the mental health shit. I'm like, they're so like, have you ever had a problem with substance abuse? I always say no. I don't know, fuck that. I don't want that shit on my record. Fuck that. I lie about everything.

I lie about everything. So, um, what was? the other thing she was saying? Oh yeah. It's funny because I've had to buy I think I had to buy tampons once or twice for you. You know, I think when a guy's buying tampon, it's clear you're buying it for somebody. Do you feel awkward

about buying tampons? I did. I think until my 30s. In my 30s, I don't give a fuck. I'll buy a dildo. Like, I don't, like, in CVS. I don't care. That reminds me, this is one I wanted to play, which I thought was really funny. Okay, hi Hannah. Hi, Dez. Big fans of y'all's, and I'm a

giggler. Hey Hannah. Something that's awkward but shouldn't be awkward is when you're a fully grown adult, you're married, and you're trying for kids, and you have to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test. It goes back to in college when you're having a pregnancy scare and you're single as fuck and people are judging you for buying a pregnancy test, even though I'm like a full-fledged adult human that has the absolute right to buy a pregnancy test. and usually it's like a high school boy that's checking you out. So yeah, love you guys. That's such a funny thing, you know? That is so funny. But the contrast between like when you're 21 buying a pregnancy test and when

you're 35 buying a pregnancy test, like the way that you feel? Well, yeah, when you're 35 buying a pregnancy test, it's so weird. Maybe you'll feel like, no, I feel like you still feel like, yeah, I got fucked by a DJ and I need to make sure that I'm not pregnant with this baby. Yeah, I mean, I just think like when you're 21 to buy a pregnancy test, it's a fucking freaky experience.

And when you're 35, it's like a hopeful experience. Yeah, 35, you're like, and I hope to be an angel of a mother, a mamacita. Well, yeah, because usually if you're more often than not, when you're 21, you're buying a pregnancy test, you're thinking, I hope I don't want to have to deal with this crisis situation.

Yeah, it's two different judgments. I think when you, but you know when you're older, when you're buying it, you want to be like, this is on purpose. I think it knocked up. I'm trying to get knocked up. I noticed in the CVS that there's like a, you can buy like bulk, like five tests. And I think like, you're really, you're really betting down for, you're really betting down for like five disappointing months.

I do, though, think that it's, like, too personal. Like, I don't like any, even if I'm 35 and I'm buying pregnancy tests, I don't want people knowing. You don't want people knowing that you're trying to get pregnant. That's trying to get pregnant. It's embarrassing. I don't want you to know. Because there's so many things at CVS, I feel like that I'm embarrassed to buy.

If they notice you buy it and then next month you're back for another pregnancy test, they're like, oh, it didn't work out last. Yeah, but it's also like the combination of things you buy. Like, you know, you're just shopping. But then when they see the final product, it's like, okay, you have a pregnant. test and then like tampons just in case just in case yeah if it's one line I'm going to need these if it's two lines not going to need these but there's like a whole story of mental illness throughout of what I'm getting then it's like oh I want a chapstick and then it just it's crazy

and that's why I shop because if you're getting a pregnancy test you can't get like two cases of white claw that is literally what I meant because you're like you never know you never know you never never know which way it's going um anyway that's a it's a funny it's a funny thought it's a funny thought um all right here we go let's let's we got to wrap it up no pun intended condom get it having a baby oh right oh yeah funny a pun i didn't want to say it but you did it This is a good one. I'm going to pay two in these in a row because they're the kind of same situation. Hey, Hannah, and Des.

So something that is always awkward but really shouldn't be is when you go up to order something and the menu is like right in front of where you have to order and you haven't gotten a chance to look at it yet and you're the only one in line and you have to tell the cashier that you need a second to look at the menu and they stand there and stare at you while you stand there and stare at the menu and try to quickly figure out what you want because it's really awkward and it's quiet and you can tell that they don't know what to do

while you stand there and wait and you also don't know what to do while you stand there and figure out what you want. Yeah, so I don't know why that's always so awkward but it's like we both stand there and don't really know what to do. Yeah, well, thanks. So awkward.

That is so niche and so spot on. That happens a lot of one-trick pony. Because the door is right next to the cash. year. Yeah. And if you walk through the door and there's nobody on the line, you're just at the cashier. You're at the cashier. Yeah. And, but my thing is that's when I go, bug it, I'm pressure ordering and I'm just going to say the first thing I see on the menu. Yes. And then you regret it for the next time. Yeah, but sometimes it's like you say the first thing, which buys you a second. Yeah. And then as they're putting it and you're like,

actually, no wait. Oh, I got so mad. I went to this like cool cafe in L.A. and I, and it was really busy and I got ahead of like a bunch of people that were coming in. So I was like, I'm going to order quick and I just looked up and saw whatever things they had above and I just set it. And then I go to sit down to wait for my thing and I realize there's a whole freaking menu that I missed of other things. I ordered like a weird special. And the day was not good after that. I know. And I can't relax. If there's a line behind me, if there's a line behind me and I got to like order. Oh. No, we go to a new restaurant. Because I know if I'm behind, I'm like, come on, make up your mind, buddy.

Like, so it's not like, it's not like you say, yeah, you feel the pressure to people behind you, but they're not uptight. You know, it's so awkward. I remember for lunch in New York City, there's all these lunch places that people go every single day. They have a system. So they have a system. This is like, okay, when I first went to air. It's like going for lunch in midtown. When I went to Airwan for the first time, it's New York.

Air One is like very, sorry, it's complicated, but people go in just like, there's all these different lines for different lines for different. thing. So I'm just trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, people are like, go, what do you want? And I just feel like a lost puppy. Like a newcomer in TSA Pre. True. The fucking professional. This is the professional line. Move over. Get out of the way, buddy. But you know, what's crazy is like, no, you don't got to take your computer out. Let's go. I'm in the line. And I like, look up and they're like, yeah, you pick three things. And I'm like, but what are all these things here? And they're like, yeah, pick three of them. And I'm like, okay, like, it just, no, like, you have to. No.

No, 100%. You got to know the system. I always felt like back in, you know, when I used to work, you know, I used to be in Burberry. And then there was very few places to get lunch in those days around 57th Street. And so you're going to this, there was a deli around the corner. And it was like, all these dudes behind the counter was like, what do you want? When you don't know the system early on, you're like, shit, I didn't even.

Like, 728, 728, 728. They fucking wrap. Those guys, they wrap wax paper. But it's true. when you go there all the time, you're like, yeah, I want my buffalo chicken with a hold maze and Diet Coke, thank you. And they know you, they know what you want. It's great. But yeah, these places, like I went to dig in one of these places that are so good, but they don't have a menu up. They just have all the food in front and you have to pick one from each section.

Is it digging? Dig in. Yeah. Is it not just dig? Yeah. Or maybe now it's dig. Yeah. It used to be digging. I like that place. So you go in and they're like, what do you want and you haven't thought of what works well with what but in at first you're like yeah like steak out of these and then they're like okay which cauliflower or whatever and I'm like well if I was going to get cauliflower I would have gone the chicken because that's bare with yeah oh my god have you ever been in subway when somebody's in front of you and they're like I don't know when I get tomatoes it's fucking come on man we all know you got to know your subway order or when you judge someone's Chipotle order they're like you get cornitas okay really carnitas gets judged I get

Yeah. That's why I said that. I feel like people are judging me. Really? Sometimes. Shepotli. It's one of five options. When I want to feel naughty, I get a barbacoa. Yeah. Why is that naughty? Because it's like heavy. Yeah, it is heavy. It's the most calories. If you look on the menu, barbacos are the most calories. Yeah, I love, but now I just get carnitas. That's my go-to. Yeah. What's my go-to in there?

I actually, I don't know. I don't actually know what my... Do you go Pinto or Black Beans? Good question. You get both if you want more beans. There's all these tricks. I'm more of a Pinto girl. Yeah, I'm a Pinto guy. I'm Pinto. But you know what I like the most?

Refried. Refried beans, which I feel I've gone out of fashion. There's nowhere. What happened to refried beans? Who stopped? You know, what happened? I feel like maybe we've moved closer to, I'm not saying Chipotle's anyway authentic,

but like we've moved closer to the authenticity of Mexican and South American food. Maybe. Or refried beans needs a new PR team. Yeah. Because are they fried? I mean, bread made a comeback.

But I'm saying, I don't think refried beans are fried. I thought they were just much. You think they're badly named. I think they're badly named and people think it's unhealthy. Right. When I feel like years ago,

like you went for Mexican, it was always refried beans. Yeah, that's why when they say Pinto, pinto or black, I'm like, where's my refried beans? I don't care if it's Pinto are black. I want it refried. I don't want these raw ass beans. Yeah. But I actually, I still prefer Pinto beans to refried, but they, I have noticed that refribeens, you don't see them as much.

I love refried beans. You know why? Because it gives mashed potato. It gives Mexican mashed potato vibes. Yep. And that's, I love that texture. I'm going to have to, after the show, I'm going to Google. Where are the refribees? They're extinct. They've gone extinct. What happened to like one of those VH1 shows? What? What? What happens to refried beans? You know, you know, like, it's like, we're looking back America in the 90s. When you're Googling a celebrity, you're like, you know what's so funny? There's probably like Mexican comedians that are like, all these gringles, like, they refried beans.

What the fuck are they, man? We're like, bring them back. Yeah, they don't, like, it might not even be a thing, but I could, I have no, I actually have no idea. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it is. Whether we're being, like, I don't know if this is culturally insensitive. I don't know if refy beans are so incredibly authentically Mexican. or if they're like the dummy.

I have no idea. I'm so out of the loop. We'll find out after the pod. We don't have Chris here to check. This has been a very cat-themed episode. So it's really good timing to tell you about one of the sponsors of this episode, Smalls Cat Food. Now, Butter loved Smalls, but I'm going to be honest with you.

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we got we got kittens that are starting to actually try to get out of their pen. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des. Love the podcast. So something that feels illegal for sure. is slowly putting your money back in your wallet after you've made a purchase and someone's waiting behind you in line. So whether this is drive-through or I'm just paying for something and I know someone's behind me in line. And I've worked customer service a million times. Not once have I seen

someone put change in their wallet and I'm like, wow, way to hold up the line. But for some reason, when I'm that person and I'm trying to put my change back on my wallet and I'm like, wow, I have three coins and a bill. And it's going to take me a minute to separate the bill from the coins and right there I get into panic mode and I literally just throw the handful of change into my purse or like fold it in my wallet and walk away. I will refuse to put it in properly. It would literally take me only an extra 30 seconds. Will I do it? No. I would rather lose a tunie because I can't carry everything than to take the extra 20 seconds and put it in my wallet properly. This is so true. Canadian. Canadian. This is so true because the second they hand you

the cash back. It's like, get out, get out, get out, get out. When they said that because it's so subtle, but so true. And so soon to not be a thing. I know. That's what's sad. Well, I was thinking about it. Like, oh, I haven't done that in a minute. It's like, oh, yeah, because you're just tapping. But the second they hand you, it's like you're wasting everyone's time still standing at what? Putting every dollar back in your wallet, get out. But I sometimes will just take it and then walk off and like do it on the side. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I'm not going to stand. My mother's favorite thing was always to give you the exact, you know, they'll be like, oh, I'll give you a 10 and 5 cents and then you can give me back a 5.

My mother used to, my mother always tried to not get the fucking change back. Oh, yeah. It's not so annoying. Well, that's for the tip jar. Somebody's in front of you. And back in the day, because this doesn't happen as much, but like, usually like an older person with their wallet. And then they're like, how much is it?

10, 82? And then they're like, hold on. And then they go to the change part of their purse. and then like, I think I have 82, hold on. And then they're like, oh, wait, oh, not that's a nickel. Wait, that's a, no, wait. Can you give me back that dime? I have a quarter.

But you know, it's so weird. Like, that used to annoy me, but now I'm so nostalgic, like, those days are gone. They're gone. Like, when people pay with cash now, I'm like, what? Especially in like, like, like, when someone asks, says this is cash only, I go. Oh, well, cash only. What is this, the fucking 1900s? We have a couple of places that are cash on, but that's why I go there.

I know that. but like when I'm in like a hipster coffee shop downtown and somebody pays in cash I can feel the people behind the counter be like well they don't they don't let you they'll be like card only a lot of time well it's card only for like business tracking services like when I have to put my card

into the slot I can use my card these days I'm like what what kind of a relic is this establishment honestly whenever you someone says like can I see your ID trying to find your ID even if it takes like three seconds oh god you feel sketching

you feel sketching absolutely and nervous you're always like I don't have my idea sometimes I can't find my fucking driver's license man especially when they do the random

so we have digital ID right but then sometimes they do a random check yep and then you're fucking and then all these people behind think you're fucking an amateur of course

it's like I'm not an amateur it's a random check of course we got back you think you're a criminal when you get a random check at the you beep Oh, yes, the beep.

And you think everyone's like, oh, this fucking idiot. Oh, it's so embarrassing. But actually, that stuff is karmic because sometimes there's someone in the line who's like, you know, pushing ahead and like trying to be in front of everyone, you know, or someone's like skipped me before in the line.

Like, you know, you're waiting and they try to like get in front of you because they're coming from a different line. And then the beep goes off for them and I go, that's what you get. Yeah. That's what you get. That's a universe.

And they're like, whoa, oh, it's a random checks there. And it's a random check sir. Go to the bag. You watch me go past you. but i love how we're ending talking about traveling like we always do like we have to but every time i walk through i feel like i have cocaine at my pussy every time i'm like did i leave a bomb i know i know the first time i went through after i got screws in my knee i was like i know they said it's not going to go off but i was sure it was going to go off yeah um do you know when the people

always they go back when they can't find what's going off and they start, they start stripping everything. Yeah, they're going back and forth. Yeah. Or when there's a person in front of you that has like a full wad of pennies in there, I mean, it's always like... The guilt that I have, if I accidentally forget something in your pocket. Oh my God.

Everyone behind you is like, shame, shame, shame, stone them, stone them. Like Circee Lannister. Actually, just, just, we don't even have to talk about this much. We're done, but I'm just playing this because I think you're going to appreciate it. I feel like Hannah will get me on this one. When you're at like a cute little shop or like a farmer's market or fair or something and you talk to the person in the shop or running the booth and or just simply make eye contact with them, but you don't actually want to buy anything from there. It's so unbelievably awkward. And you're like, I'm so sorry, I can't afford this $600 sweater, but I will name my first child after you just so I can leave. I don't know. Maybe that's, That's just a me thing or like a pupil pleaser thing, but I find it so awkward. Well, this is the sales process because as someone who's been in sales, I prefer to sit back because I feel like more people will come when they don't feel like you force them to do something.

But then if you're super aggressive and you're talking to everyone and getting them engaged, I feel like you also could force some people to buy stuff who wouldn't. So it's just like what avenue do you want to take of the two extremes? Like walking into a store and having them and me be like, what are you looking for? Panic through the roof. Torture. Like heartbeating. I could literally see the greatest shirt I've ever wanted and been like, I have to leave this place.

Yeah. I got better at it over the years. In fact, when we went to the Prada store in Paris, because you were like obsessed with going to all those stores and we're in Paris. Oh, yeah. And, you know, you were like paranoid because the guy was like on us. Yeah. But I was just like, whatever. I used to work in Burberry.

Like, I'm fine. And I was, like, making you try shit on it. Yeah, you have your try on like a $9,000 trench coat. Leather trench coat. Leather trench coat. And I was like, no. And you're like, do it. And I'm like, no.

No. And you're like, I just got more comfortable. Because I actually know that it's like, they're fucking boy. There's nothing going on. They don't care if you don't buy. I never cared if people. See, in my head, I was like, they see this older guy with white hair and this young girl. And they think that like, we're just going to, you have so much money.

And you're just going to. going to spend it all on me. Little do they know, I'm the one that's cheap, and I'm not trying to buy anything. Yeah. I told, did I tell the Prada bag story on this podcast before? Your mom with a Prada bag? No,

somebody else, but you mentioned the next boyfriend earlier, so you can't get upset. We'll be even. No, just, I was in, I'd never been to L.A. And I'd done the Aspen Comedy Festival, so I had meetings in L.A. back when they mattered.

And so I was like, oh, what's the L.A. gift? I'll buy something on Rodeo Drive because, you know, I'm like a lifetime of watching movies where it's like, you go to Rodeo Drive to be fancy. So I go to Rodeo Drive. I have no concept of the price of handbags at this stage of my life. I'm in my, whatever, my late 20s. And I've done okay. So I'm not afraid to go into Prada, but I have no concept of the price of

bags. And even if somebody said to me, do you know how expensive they are? My guess would have been a third of what would have been a reasonable guess. Anyway, I find this awesome bag. Really good. I'm like, I'll take it. And you don't know the price. Yeah, I guess. No, it's not showing. Yeah. Don't know the price. Like, talk to the guy. Like, everything's going great. You know? I get to take, I don't even ask the price. The first time I see the price is when I go to sign It's a fucking credit card thing. And it was $2,600. And I fucking,

I couldn't believe it. Did you buy it? Do you think I had the balls to be like, actually no? Did you return it the next day? No, it was a great gift. It was an incredible gift. It was very appreciated. You told this story before in the pod, by the way.

Did I? Yeah. Why didn't you stop me? Because I wanted you to feel bad. I don't feel bad because I don't feel bad when you bring up your ex-boyfriends. No, because I actually like that story. It's a funny.

It's a funny story. Well, the thing, if you don't know, like purse costs are like... It was 2005, by the way, just so you know. Yeah, so that's like a $10,000 with inflation. Yeah. But it's crazy because if you, yeah, if you don't know fashion,

purses are a sign, I guess, of... wealth. So it's literally just to brag that you have a stupidly expensive purse. But if you look at it like, but the crazy thing is that... Prada has bags out of nylon that are like $1,500. Yeah, but the crazy thing about this Prada bag was it was like not a showy Prada bag. It was actually, it was really nice, this Prada bag. And I liked it because it was, it was like... Simple. And it was quite... Elegant. That's the word I'm looking for. And almost, yeah, it doesn't matter but the point is that like it wasn't for the flashiness of it it was for the yeah the craftsmanship of it which is probably bullshit because yeah there's probably really not that much craftsmanship but

it did look nice but that's not why i got it and it's i think it's insane the price of bags yeah still to this day however we did have a good time bag shopping and con this out to france and you got a nice bag that day yes but it took me a mu mu right it took me a whole week to get first designer bag. I went into every store. I had to give Hannah a lot of pep talks about how it wasn't wasteful. You know, you didn't give me pep talks. You started doing reverse psychology going, you're not going to do it. You're not buying a bag. We'd walk into stories like, you're not going to buy anything. Because I literally, when I tell you, I walked into like 40 stores, I couldn't pull the plug. I pulled the plug because I finally like texted page and I was

like, is this the one? And she was like, do it. And I did it. And that was a nice bag. Yeah. Actually, it's funny enough, of all the female accessories, even though I think bags are just, the prices are outlandish. They are the nicest of the, like, they are the one thing that I kind of go, like, I get why you like this bag. Well, shoes I don't get. You know, Gen Z guys now, like, like, Jacob Allorty is out, like, he, he wears, like, a cool bag.

Yeah, but it's funny, I've never, I've not into them for myself. Yeah, well, it's, it's a certain, are you allowed to say metrosexual? is that a word is that is that is that is that we're not allowed to say that anymore I don't know is that when did that one go on the list I don't know I don't know I thought words were coming off the list I didn't know we were still adding them LGBQM happy pride you guys um yeah well the kittens are literally doing Shawshank Redemption right now in oh yeah trying to escape um we love you guys I just added a main show I'm adding more shows if you guys are like Hannah, why the hell

haven't you announced Chicago? Yeah, you got some big cities still to come. Don't worry. But check if your city's there now. I actually just added some shows. I added a weekend in Seattle, a Thursday in Portland in December. I added Atlanta and other places that I can't remember. And I

have West Hampton Beach, August 14th, which is a very important show for you all to come to. All right, guys. Thank you so much. Thanks to Chris. Heavy editing because we had a lot of cat distractions. and we'll talk to you guys next week. Thank you. Something that's always awkward but shouldn't be

is when you're getting your hair done and the hairdresser does a big reveal at the end and they are gushing. They're saying, oh my gosh, this looks so good. This is so great. This is fantastic. And I never know how. to respond in those situations because I don't know whether to say thank you because it's my

own hair or to compliment them because it's their work. And at that point, they're gushing over their own work. And I think about other professions and how that type of dynamic would never work in another profession. An attorney couldn't hand their client a motion that they wrote and say, this motion is great. It's gold, greatest motion of all time. It would just be a weird, awkward environment in any other profession yet it's acceptable in the hair industry. and I just never know how to respond. I just end up going, yeah. And then I think I don't like it and it becomes a whole thing.

And then I have to switch hairdressers. Hi, love you both. I'm laying in bed right now. So if I sound like an old man, that's why something that shouldn't be awkward that always is for some reason is like waiting for your baggage to come off the fucking baggage claim. Like, why is that awkward? And then to follow that up, like, when you're waiting on the curb at the airport for your Uber or friend or whoever picking you up, like, if you just look around, like, everyone looks so awkward and uncomfortable, like, just, like, looking at their phone, like, waiting on the curb on the side of the road. Yeah, I don't know. The airport's just awkward in general.

Okay, love you both. Bye. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des. So one thing that's incredibly awkward and really shouldn't be is pulling up to a red light. There's always going to be a car next to you, and it always feels like they're just staring at you. So then you pull up a couple inches because they're not directly looking at you. And then the light's like about to turn green.

So then they pull up a couple inches. And now we're almost like racing or holding hands at the red light. I don't even know, but it's very weird, very intimate, and very uncomfortable. Love you guys. Bye. Okay, one thing that's always awkward is when you're like kind of walking the same pace as someone on a sidewalk and you want to pass them and you're like, you're going like, you're right behind them or you're like the same speed as them and you like do that awkward little speedwalk ahead of them and then they're like awkwardly behind you and it's just like that weird few seconds until there's like a good gap between you guys again. Am I the only one that thinks that's awkward though? one of the most awkward things I know is when I'm at the office and I said good morning to everybody and then later or like during the day I meet them in the hallway and I don't know if how to approach them should I say hi again should I ignore them so I always give them a very creepy

smile and I feel like I just make everything so much more awkward And it shouldn't be like that. Introductions. Do I hug? Do I wave? Do I shake your hand? Do I give you the side eye? Like, how are we doing this? How are we saying hi? How are we introducing ourselves to new people? Okay. I don't know why, but anytime I have to call the mechanic or the car dealer and explain what is going wrong with my car, I suddenly become so awkward and, don't know exactly how to explain it to the point that I'm using sound effects and words I've never used before. Like I have any idea what I'm talking about.