Berner Phone - Brendan Sagalow: Women’s Tricks & The Friend Zone

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

Hilarious comedian, Brendan Sagalow, has a new comedy album out and he's really good at pigeon noises. Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/album/5GJ0EPW1pUyNTvsQ471NPE?si=UUhEEVKMQYysFEBkqHsvAw PROMO CODES Feals: Get 50% off your first order with free shipping at https://Feals.com/BERN Apostrophe: Get $15 off your first visit with a board-certified dermatologist at https://Apostrophe.com/BERN Liquid IV: Get 25% off when you go to https://LIQUIDIVDOT.COM and use code BERN --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you should just you know what you should do we're bored you should have like a ton of pigeons what happened what happened for this podcast we were doing great and now we're bored no no I'm just saying in life in general we're bored you should go outside and then get some bread and get a bunch of pigeons around you and then just get a mic and start doing pigeon noises and make it look like you're actually doing stand-up to do a man on the streets of pigeons Welcome to Burning Hell What's up, guys, welcome to hell. I am with an hysterical comedian. Brendan Sagalow. I was like, what's this motherfucker's name again? Brendan Sagalow. And, you know, I know this kid from around town,

but I had Tino go to his website because my favorite thing is looking at Kid from around town I mean who have you Who did you just become? I'm sorry I'm sorry am I doing Kat Williams's podcast What the fuck was that

I know this kid from around town He's playing at all to jazz bars in the sea You went to my website I checked out your website Because it's my favorite thing to do Because it's never updated And people always like you have to describe yourself in two sentences

and you know some comics do it better than others you said If you read my bio to me right now I'm gonna lose my fucking mind That's why I do it Welcome to hell Okay oh god I didn't know what this podcast was

Three new best in both looks Oh no No what's happening Oh no I hate this Feel the pain Brendan Zaglow brings his naturally funny perspective Across the country

And to all all the major elite clubs in Manhattan. So not the elite clubs across the country, just the ones in Manhattan. Yeah, there's no elite clubs across the country. Yeah, no, I play the elite clubs in Manhattan, and then I play the, uh, the, I play like gas stations in Pennsylvania. But congratulations, you've, you somehow came up with an album during the pandemic, which good for you because most of us were just sad and depressed. What is the album and how's your press store going? Nice, nice, smooth.

So we talked about the, this is the problem with being real, you know, as real as I am, is I have to balance, you know, people try to be all show busy. Me and, me and Hannah were talking about my little press tour. I said something funny. And then Hannah went, ooh, can you say that again? And saying it again on the podcast would fucking kill me. So that's the, you know, that's the problem. Okay. No, I was going to try to repeat it for you, but I knew it's like the biggest trigger when, like, you try.

try to repeat a comics like bit or anything and you fuck it up like I like that's even worse than the audience never hearing it well this press tour I'll get into it a little bit more I'll just I'll just get into it what I said to you before we started recording was I feel I'm exhausted I've been press touring for like two weeks now I thought you were say two hours I've been press touring for about five minutes however long we've been going and I'm already exhausted The reading of my bio Has ruined my life And no, I've been present for like two weeks

I'm doing all these podcasts I'm doing, you know It's just like You gotta do everything All like even like the You know Not to sound like a like a cunt or anything But like the smaller podcast

You know you still got to do it Because you've got to get to everything right You know What are you trying to say about me? You're talking shit about my podcast This is more of a favor to you From me Is having me

on to no but like you do like the you know i do one with like 40 listeners and i'm just like just tired they're like so brandy you you recorded an album on the roof in the middle of a pandemic how does that feel and i'm like i want to kill myself and they're like great let's go to a commercial you know but like yeah i'm fucking exhausted i'm i'm just like now i'm at this point where i'm just like seeing this this press tour avatar just go on podcast and be like zip-o-zap-de-do and I'm also trying to be like introspective and be like I'm trying to have self-care and actually make the conversations important because sometimes you go on these shows and you're like you're like zip-zo-zo-zo and like people are like who cares I do not care about this person but then you also don't want so much pressure that like your words are going to like change this generation I would love that it's so weird we have such a mental illness people like us where it's like I want so desperate to be well known and loved but then I have like a like a you know I have this bit out right now that's like doing pretty well and it's about like the friend zone and it's such a fucking joke

it's just a joke and people are losing there some people are losing their mind a lot of people are like this is so funny but you ignore those people you just go like yes I know it's funny leave me alone and then the people that are like this isn't true this guy's wrong and you just want to go it's a fucking joke it's a joke dude Like, it makes me lose my mind And I go, imagine that on like Kevin Hart's level I mean, you probably doesn't even see this shit Oh no, you brought up Kat Williams, you brought up Kevin Hart

You bring up a lot of other comics. Are you comparing yourself a lot? What's happening? Yes, I compare myself to Kevin Hart a lot. You know, I did my album in the round. What would Kevin Hart do? WWKD? Yeah, honestly, though, I mean, all jokes aside,

I think as a comic, you do have to have that mentality. a little bit and like did you watch his documentary no no so you're not a real Kevin Hart's I don't really think he's that funny you know I think he's he's great and hilarious but like I'm not like he's not like one of my guys you know what I mean his thing was he's like you got to wake up at this is my Kevin Hart always you'll wake up 5 a.m bam boom bam boom yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and like has like a bazillion companies off his other companies of production companies are producing companies and um it was exhausting and it's like but that's some people's mentality where i love a nine

to 10 hour block asleep that's when i'm uh okay best you know i can't i can't i get up i i try to get up around 839 every day to do what just anything anything if i just get out of bed that's the that's the main focus get out of bed and leave those demons there i love this podcast already i'm getting very excited because you're ready because of this press tour and excitement and you're like weird relationship with Kevin Hart, you're already kind of vulnerable and open and we're just going to break that. We're going to break that open and it's going to feel like the weirdest orgasm you've ever had. Oh, sweetheart. I'm a virgin. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I checked out what's what's the name of your album? It's called I was trying to think of

Kevin Hart's special name. Did he forget? Bigger and blacker. It's called Not Now More Than Ever. Not Now More Than Ever. What does that mean? What does that mean? What did that mean to you?

What inspired you and what was your motive behind that? Are you James Lipton? What's your favorite curse word? So basically it was like now more than... It just came to me. It's like now more than ever. You know, got to do it now more than ever. You can't just repeat it to me.

and expect it to make more sense. Well, let me finish. If you let me finish, then maybe you'd get it. Now is the time more than ever to explain it. Yeah, so now more than ever, when you go, oh, it's now more than ever, but we're in the middle of a pandemic. Nobody is really looking for stand-up comedy or anything.

I can't even, it was a miracle that we even pulled this shit off. And so it's not now more than ever. And it was just something that came to me. It was a little ringing in my head, and I went, I'm naming the album that. now is that the story that was that interesting enough for you to ask that question for i thought that was pretty good i'd give it like a six don't grade it in front of me how dare you i'm such a i'm such a i'm not the answer don't ask the question i'm a fragile

francine right now what do you what do you want from me but brendon not going to lie you are one of my favorite comics i think in the scene in the elite clubs because that's I'm going to lose my mind if you bring this bio. I'm changing it right after this, by the way. I'm changing it right after this. I think it's because we both have quite a goofy personality. Oh, I remember when we first met. Do you remember when we first met?

Yes, I do, but you explain it. You don't have to point at me like that. But you explain it. You explain it. So what was the name of the show? You're going to have to help me. Oh, God. I don't remember when we first met.

You don't? because you're such a light in my life that it just it feels like we've known each other forever so bon we do we are like um we did have a past life together i'm pretty sure but anyway so bonnie mcfarland and rich voss had a show would you date him would you date him yes you date him okay we're getting there so they picked a bunch of male comics and a bunch of like female comics and a gay guy to to just say if we would date him or not. Yeah. And it was great. I thought you were supposed to, like, roast people, but then I realized they wanted more, like, actual answers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sucks. Your first answer is like, I would date you if you weren't such a fat idiot. And then the next person's like, okay, Hannah, yeah, I would date you. I think you're cute and funny. Lev had, like, a red puffer jacket on. I was like, okay, heirloom tomato.

Yeah, that was kind of a mistake to wear that on stage. Yeah, I mean, he does it for attention, then gets mad. And then he tried to spread a rumor that we almost had sex when he asked if I wanted a cheeseburger. Uh-oh. What's happening here? Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Did TMZ just take the microphone from you? I'm sorry. Is this welcome to Gossip Town? Because I mean, welcome to reality TV, baby. Yeah, it really is. You got to have loose lips. You got to have loose lips at all times. Yeah, yeah, I got loose butt-hole lips.

You want to get picked up on a... Ew. Ew. Actually, no. that's not ill that's that means you're having good time so you come up and i've been like just tearing all the guys apart and you are you know adorable naturally just with your prepubescent glow i fucking hate my ex-girlfriend wrote that by the way she was like this is what your bio should be and oh that's why it hurts even more i'm sorry we'll get to her we'll get to her soon don't

worry okay we don't have to but so then you i think i said like you give me the oar of like a green Bay offensive linemen who like will probably cheat on me but like at the time is like cute after like two beers I didn't say that but that was like kind of the energy I was giving two beers well that's more beers than I thought it would take for me to be cute look I know that you know I've also lost about I think 20 pounds since then so I uh I feel like quarantine's been amazing for you yeah look at that job I've been thriving I've been thriving why do you think you've been thriving because shit got real you know what i mean oh yeah got fucking real people had to face themselves yeah so you know i spend a lot of the months being fat and depressed i'm still depressed

and i'm still fat but i'm less fat and a little bit more no same amount of depressed but like you know i fucking we're as comics i'm i'm 10 years in and nine and a half of those years i'm waiting for an opportunity to come up i'm either waiting or i'm or i'm stacking ammo and i'm trying to be like i'm grinding the teeth and i'm going i'm stacking ammo i don't want anybody to look at me right now because when they do i'm gonna be fucking on fire which is like something you should do for a very long time and then when this all happens i'm like okay so now the clubs are gone there is no one giving opportunities there's nowhere to work so i'm like i just have to make art i have to because we have to get that creative we're those type of people

We have to fucking do something. And so I'm like, okay, I'm doing that. I'm 52 days sober today. Oh, shit. Yeah, baby. Congratulations. I'm feeling good. Actually, I remember at the stand, like, me and you were, you know, flirting as we do.

And I was like, you were like, you know, I think I was like, do you want to get a drink as I do. And because, you know, you got to be aggressive in this town. Of course. I remember you being like, ah, I'm not drinking tonight. Like, you're already doing the thing where you were like, try. not to drink and I was like just have one like glass of wine and you were like that's not that's not happening he's like I have one glass of wine and the next thing you know I'm getting kicked out of the club in 30 minutes exactly exactly so you're just you're just you're just

you're just poking at every addict thing that I have you're like you're like do you want to get a drink with a girl and I'm like get the fuck away from me like I can't it'll become it'll become 12 drinks I'll be finger banging you in the back of a a fucking abandoned blockbuster it won't be this is this is not gonna it might end well but it's not gonna it's you know what i mean so did you drink a lot on dates yeah of course i mean i didn't i never really went out on dates my dates were like my dates were like i rarely go out on dates i i feel like comics either go on like a ton of shit dates or they just don't even fuck with the dating scene because your work is at night so it's like they're either

pulling these like their google calendars like insane like you take a girl on a date then you bring another girl to watch your set And then, I mean, this is how I deal with my model boyfriends, you know. Okay, yeah, of course. And then you, whoever liked the set at the end, you do switcheroo. Irish 20 year older than you model boyfriends. I love Irish men so much. Like, you know when you stop and you just look at your past and you're like, wait a second, there's a pattern here.

Did I spend a past life in Galway? You're Irish though, right? Yeah, I'm Irish. Like a hondo? No, not a hondo. I wish I could say that. But my last name is Sagalow, which comes from Segalov, which is Russian. And I'm, and I'm, my dad's a Jew, so.

Okay. I got it all. Where are you from originally? Long Island, baby. Okay, that's why I like you. You're a typical New York. Okay, he just dabbed. He just dabbed.

Is dabbing still like a? Well, if you're from Long Island, everything's like three years behind, so you're on the point. I love this for you Now I was listening to your album And you're listening to it I listened to some of the bits And you have one titled women have tricks So as a woman what I want to know

Like women's tricks Yes yes Well that of the whole bit That's the bit that I put up on my fucking That people were liking Or going nuts over People like but also people are like This isn't true

You know it's all fucking clickbait Like People need to realize first of all, and I know this is going to sound very like edge lord piece, like anti-PC comic bullshit, but it's like, we are just trying to say the funniest thing. That's all comedians do. I love how anti-PC has now become like

to normcore where it's like not cool to be anti-PC. Exactly, exactly. Anti-PC. Now you're PC. Exactly, exactly. It's like... It's like cool to be PC again. Yeah, it's how fucking creepy. Oh, you're making jokes about transsexuals. boring yeah what are you a dildo it's it's like it's like anybody this is and this is how i felt

politics wise if you're on any side extremely you're a fucking quiff dude you're a fucking loser so if you're if you're like this edge lord comic and you're like you know you're like i said here's the difference these comics that do edgy shit are those people like that's what those things i have no problem with like the you know the comics that people would go oh that's an edge lord comic if they're those people yeah you know what i mean i just imagine them practicing their bits on reddit instead of twitter yeah yeah yeah they're like they're like what rhymes with in cell so uh and then on the other side of that if if you have a fucking problem with anything anybody says if they're a fucking comic then you can

go fuck yourself you know i've been in the trenches for 10 years where the fuck were you when i was struggling you sound like such an edge lord right now where the fuck were you and i was struggling I know. I get really serious and douchey, and it's like, I have to... No, I'm the same way. Like, when I'm very goofy, but then occasionally in reality TV, I'll be like, if this motherfucker comes at me, they're going to regret the day they were fucking born. And then people are like, who are you? Yeah, I'm from Brooklyn. Come at me, Theo Vaughn.

Yeah, let's go, the Miz. Wait, so explain, what are these tricks that women have? You don't have to do the bit, but I want to know the concept. But here's the main bit from it. I'm not going to do the bit. But, like, when women want a friend zone you, they'll, like, they'll call you, like, dude and bro and shit. And, like, they'll, like, I've realized that. And when I was working that bit out, I, uh, or like, buddy, you know, you know what you're doing.

Like, like, that stuff's a little bit gray. But I've had a girl call me a friend when I thought we were going out on a date. She was like, you're a good friend. And I was like, that's on purpose. I see there, no one says that. Are they tricks? Are they just telling you that you're a friend? It's tricks.

Well, let's let's, let's not. at ourselves okay you know how to fucking you know how to bait all right that's that's the only reason i named that that so that people would fucking look at but like if we're not at a point where where you notice that that's what we're doing like we're all fucking adults here if you actually fall for me calling a track on my album women's tricks and you get mad at it or you or that's the first thing that comes you're a fucking moron okay you know what i'm doing well yeah anyways what i but listen to the album better the better the better the better you're bits do the more garbage it's going to attract as in like people are not going to hate on something

that other people don't think is cool this is like the thing i've been talking about it you know each week you've a different thing you repeat on all the podcast what i'm talking about right now it's basically like the only thing cooler than thinking something is cool is thinking it's not cool yeah i just watched a beejus documentary like the beejs were so fucking cool and disco was so cool until people were like wait disco's not cool anymore yeah yeah yeah Since your video gets enough views, people have to go on and be like, what's this garbage? This is bullshit. Of course.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And like, no matter how much you know that when you read the comments, it's going to upset you. So my new thing is like, I don't even read the good comments because you know what? The good comments also are still extremists. What you said on both ends, you can't let it go to your head. I'm fucking done, dude.

I'm done. I'm like, I can't be on these fucking apps anymore. It's making me lose my mind. Everybody's talking about Clubhouse. And I tweeted this ironically. but I like everybody's like get on clubhouse go on clubhouse and I go on clubhouse and I see all my stupid douchey comic friends that are on it just trying to make a living and become fucking Joe Rogan or whoever just all these fucking losers that are my friends that I see on these goddamn and I literally had the thought I went will this ever end will this ever end or are we just going to go from app to app trying to get famous because I'm losing my fucking mind well it's hard because TikTok came out and like a bunch of comics got here heat from TikTok but the question is it's like what is actually converting like what's converting to people sitting their asses like is it a 17 year old girl that just like thought it was funny

or is it someone that's going to discover you and actually like care about your career and follow you but yeah it's true a lot of my life when I'm in a depressed place is just like a rotation of apps where you feel like you're productive but you haven't moved in six hours and you're just going from email to Twitter to Instagram back to your email to your note section to check a house that I can't afford to like the dog that I want to adopt that I want adopt and then you just talk to Zillow to Instagram back to Zillow to rescue pets.com to just fucking everything to just like should I donate to the Sarah McLaughlin thing is that still around so I actually deleted Instagram the last two weeks ago just for a week

wow good for you I mean like I sound like an edge lawyer right now I think that's I You know what to make my new bio, Edge Lord. I kind of love that. Edge Lord in looks and attitude. That's me making fun of my bio. Wow. Pre-bubescent Edge Lord. So also, I notice that your nails are painted.

Is this a new thing you're doing? Or did you always do that? And I just didn't notice. It is a new thing, but it is something that I've always done. You know, but like there's two reasons. There is two reasons. First of all, first reason is I love the aesthetic. Let's get this all out of the way

I love this shit I just love painting my nails I love all of it Now here's a reason that I tell people To make myself feel a little bit better Is that I bite my nails like crazy I'm like And like I've had chicks be like

Ew like that's fucking gross And I hate like There's something about biting nails Where people aren't going to go Like if I have like man tits They're not going to go ew gross Because they're going to be like That's a sensitive topic

obviously but this i'm people just go like ew that's gross they don't care they don't understand that that's like uh like an insecurity you know yeah and it's also like an ocd thing that you would stop if you could yeah i want to get hypnotized i want i want someone to hypnotize me into like not biting my nails but so i realized i went to this uh nail salon like a couple of weeks i know there's a nail salon right by where i live and i just walked in i'm wearing a leather jacket and like my i just recently bleached my hair and I'm just like I just walk in and I'm like I go like hey can you fix these

and she's like yeah sure she fixes my fucking nails up they look amazing and I go color them baby and you know Brendan nails are like upkeep like it's tough it's so hard and I'm like I'm like

it's so but if they're colored or like whatever if there's nail polish on them I probably won't bite that because you could put a clear polish but I feel like you're you're going through this kind of like emo stage you like the like rocker type chic okay okay okay well that's that's what's something the i don't know if you're into it whatever but if that's like that's like something like also the pandemic has done for i think a lot of people especially me where it's

like you know when you're when you're coming up in the clubs and everything there's like uh you you have a mentality of like well i can't wear nail polish and bleach my hair because that's what's going to distract people and i'm a real comic i don't need fucking And I don't need to be a rock star about it. And now I'm like, oh, the industry doesn't exist. Nothing exists anymore. Nothing matters anymore. So just fucking live the life that you want to live.

Well, when you're performing every single night, you're constantly getting judged every night. So you almost don't even have the time to sit and be like, what if I change this part of myself, you know? Exactly. Because you immediately will get scared. I only once got a spray tan a little too dark and showed up at the stand, but they liked it, you know. Of course. Well, you're also like a white woman. So that's like a part of it.

You know, there's like, of course, there is going to be a day where I show up with a spray tan. I want like a neck tattoo or something. I want to like, you know, I want to like make like this up this thing or something. But that would be terrible. I can't do that. You just talked yourself out of it. I was supporting it. I know.

But I also want to act and I want to be in things. And I don't want people to be like, no. When did you realize you were creative? Because like you kind of look like the ultimate bro's bro besides the nail polish. Whoa. I look like the ultimate bro's bro, huh? No one's ever fucking said that. I feel like you could just like sit in any group of guys

and like get along with them. And you're, yeah, you just are like the token. That's very true. Like I can, okay, I'm not even going to listen to what you just said because I feel like it insulted me, but just like token and I just moves right by it. I can. I can go from group to group.

I can make friends and everything. That's never been hard for me. But lately I've just been like in this. like kind of existential kind of like what the fuck is the point who are these people who gives this shit I am so sick of making friends I'm so sick of like I and

it's so funny because I'm also at a point where I'm like relationships are so important to me now I'm like I have to you have to care for relationships but my factory setting is to be alone and to cut people out if I feel like you've betrayed me in any way you're fucking gone well that's what I do but that's because I'm Sicilian

so we have to oh mama de bish oh what my favorite routine is of yours what the doorbell the doorbell everybody loves the doorbell we love the doorbell and it might go a little something like this i just do the bit for you i had a bit i thought this is what i thought you were going to say because i had uh i had a bit where i was talking about um i didn't even do it on the album but it was like millennials uh how everybody thinks millennials are lazy but it's like no we're not lazy we're just creating a plan you know I do a joke where I go look

This is this is the plan The Millennials plan is that we don't pay for our phone bills We have our parents pay our phone bills We move back into our parents' house And then when our parents die And this is exactly how I say I go We got a fucking house And it's just like it's just like so stupid

I just basically do a Sebastian Man a Scalco joke You know what my also favorite thing is I love the yeah You do the best pigeon noise I didn't do that on the album either you will you that's save it for your next album just be called yeah the inner mind of a pigeon pigeon noises you should just you know what you should do we're bored you should have like a ton of pigeon what happened what happened this podcast we were doing great and now we're bored no no no i'm just saying in life in general we're

bored you should go outside and then get some bread and get a bunch of pigeons around you and then just get a mic and start doing pigeon noises and make it look like you're actually doing stand-up to the do a man on the streets of pigeons okay speaking of friends you said like you deal with friend zoning and I was like peeing before this podcast and I was thinking about it more in depth I know you're like it's a bit but let's be honest it all comes from some truth yeah do you feel like when you meet a hot girl yeah do you consider yourself her next boy toy or Do you think she might friend zone you? I don't think that far ahead at all.

When I meet somebody and I'm just, if I can make her laugh and she's making me laugh, I'm like, something might come from that. That's it. I just go like, maybe we could fuck or whatever. When I talk about the friend zone, I also don't believe that it exists. I mean, there also is like a, there is a little bit of a friend zony thing where I've been in situations where women, you know, I've made, I've made a move. And they're like, what?

No, but then they'll do things that are very flirty. And you go, this is the friend zone. Because they like your attention, but they don't want your dick inside them. Exactly. Exactly. So that's the only thing that I agree is actually real. But when I talk about the friend zone, everybody's like, you know, it's so fucking fun. Because I talk about it a lot because it's in my act.

And I did it on Ari's podcast. We talked about it for like four hours. So now I'm getting like, but it wasn't even like we didn't just talk about the friend zone. We talked about, like, my problems with women and my trouble with the dating thing and all that and just trying to be this open, vulnerable wound. And now I'm getting all these, I'm getting unsolicited advice from douchebag dudes who are like, can I just fucking tell you something, man? You just got to, like, not care about it. And I'm like, shut the fuck. I've been late before, you fucking idiot.

Like, shut the fuck up, dude. Like, everybody now thinks that's, the world really does want to see you in a specific way. They only see you the way they want to see you. The way they want to see you Until you make them see another What is that? A Childish Gambino line where he goes They see you how they want to see you

Until you make them see you another way And it's like that's so fucking true These women hitting me up Oh you go poor guy Poor guy It's like shut the fuck I'm just opening They're also projecting their own shit

And their own experiences on your experience Which is probably completely different But now I'm like a little interested What would you generalize Your issue is with women That you're single? oh baby do we have the time I need to know

oh I have all these different problems with women you know like I same thing I have with people but like with dating it's fucking hard like when I did when I did that joke when I did that podcast when I did when I recorded the album I was having a mega mega slump is it called what is it called when you're like just a dry spell

of like infinite proportions where I because I just gotten out of a five-year relationship and I was like how the fuck do I do this so I was like asking girls out and then being like being like you know this is a date right which is incredibly just I you know I could feel their vaginas drying up over the phone so I was just having fucking problems with it and being like oh god and you know girls that would show me all this attention and then when I'd like make a move they're like what no what he d you know like shit like that it's a bunch of shit it's not it's not like a black and white thing it's like

i i move with you know it's it's this flowing fucking thing so like you know i put those fucking put those judgy eyebrows down yeah i can't control my eyebrows also i can't see myself because i'm my notes up i'm very i have a very expressive face but also i was laughing because i was no i was laughing because i feel like you love your nail polish so much oh so i'm going with your hands it gets like it gets like when i grew up my nails When I grew up my nails for the first time, I was fighting with people just so I could like put my nails in their face.

Going like this. I was like hitting them together. I was like, don't you ever fucking fuck with me again. You ain't wrong. It just, it feels like we're, I think my one problem with just dating in general is like,

it's all these fucking mind games, man. And it's like, it's all of these, you know, you can even, you can meet the most lucid person in the world. Yeah. And someone who is completely,

you know, just zero cloudiness. in their head. It knows what they want. Yeah. And they'll still fucking have communication issues that you're like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like, our feelings are on the goddamn line here. Like, and I have fucking issues too.

Like, I'll, I'll go a week where I'm depressed and I'm like, and I'm this happened a couple weeks ago. I'm like, I'm like, God, I'm so fucking depressed. And this one person that I want to talk to, she's not calling me. And I could just as easily call her, but I want her to, I want her to, you know, call

me. I want to know that she also wants to call me so I'm not calling her which is making me angry and depressed and then I called her and I walled up I was very walled up and she's just like I what's going on you know it's like some people don't even but you're mad you had to call her and she doesn't know the imaginary fight that you had yes exactly and she's like she's like why don't you just tell me how you feel and I was like okay which is hard for me like I I I've always thought that I had a you know I always thought I was more of a um what am i trying to say like i could open up and be more vulnerable yeah then the average person you know i i don't care i'll i'll say my shit any day and whoa i almost just fucking fell

back i almost fell back on this chair what the fuck the universe was like you want to feel scared yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i've always thought i i i had that but then you know i'm just like you know i'm free writing in my journal and like kind of like letting it all out and i go oh I'm just this walled up fucking dude. You know what I mean? So like I'll, I, I unloaded and it was so fucking hard for me to be like, I especially because I hate this fucking thing that we think is a neurological thing, but it isn't where it's like, oh man, there's always someone in the relationship that likes someone better.

There's always someone. And if that's true, your relationship sucks. Like it's not a good relationship. That's some high school bullshit that we just. Put in our brains. Oh 100%. I mean girls would joke like I always want to be with a guy who like likes me more than I liked him and I'm like well that fucking sucks because you know you're about to get distracted next week by like decent looking dude that gives you attention. Yes, it fucking sucks. How do you rank liking realistically? Like liking is not something that's so simple is like I like you like seven out of ten right now and you like me not it's liking is is this energy that involves two people like I always think love I used to think it was like finding someone who makes me happy and But that's literally not it at all. Love is like the combination of two people's affection and care for each other. It takes two to become love.

But I also think, imagine like thrift shopping is like dating. Yeah. You white guys like the Macklemore thrift shopping thing. Okay. Well, you know, you have a lot to learn, sweetheart. We have a lot to learn. Anyway, guys, those thrift shops in Long Island. Anyway, so you're trying on all these things.

It's not your fault. don't know how it looks like when it's on you and like only a couple are going to fit you so it's like these bad experiences you're having are just part of dating of course and eventually it's not like there's no problem with you i i earnestly believe with the right person like you could literally have a mental breakdown on the first date and they're going to be like there's something about him i like of course yeah i mean you know that's like uh it's you have to fucking try on all these different coats and stuff yeah but it's it's so hard because no one is is communicating with each other.

And you just want to be like, like my big, I have a fucking issue where when I like a girl, right, when I'm trying to impress a girl or whatever, I come in like this fucking clown bear. I just come into her house. You know,

she invites me over and I'm fucking on a unicycle. I'm juggling banana peels. I'm letting the banana peels hit me in the face. I'm slipping on the banana peels. And I'm going like, I'm playing a slide whistle. And like, and she's fucking laughing.

And I'm going, yes. And then my. fear is that after a week or two when I'm on or whatever because she'll just go get this fucking bear out of my house I can't it's getting fur everywhere there's shit it's breaking the good china I'm not impressed by this bear anymore and I think what it is is I have to I do that and I think the next step is to like open up more I need to tell them how I fucking feel but I'm so afraid that they're going to leave me that I just don't I'm like I can't I have to wall up or else they're gonna because there's nothing worse than when we're when you like someone and then they're gone and you're just like fuck dude well it's also you getting out of the mentality of like the more she laughs the more she likes me it's it's like me like i always as a tennis player growing up the more the better i performed and the more i won the more i felt like people loved me so then my whole life like i felt like the more successful i am

the more like a guy would love me and i had to get to a point where i realized without performing without having any success at all I need to feel loved so it's like you coming in and realizing the person who like falls in love with you is going to fall in love with like the like bad breath you have in the morning and like the little annoying parts about you

that you don't even know you do because you can't like you can't control it as much as you're trying to control and I always say to myself if it's meant to be you can't fuck it up and also it's kind of like a blowjob like I'm listening You don't go in

You've had my interest, but now you have my attention. You don't do the full-fledged, you know, eight-minute deep-throating whatever routine the first time. Okay. Because then he expects that shit all the time. You come in, you tease it. You let him know it could go deep. But, you know, then you get distracted.

You get a little shy. Oh, next thing you in the bathroom, next thing, whatever, next thing. But then, you know, he remembers that. And next time he's like, she could do it. So it's like you coming in and being like, look, I'm not going to do the heavy, the great jokes on you right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get to know you first to see if you've been worthy of a little performance. A hundred percent.

I completely see what you're saying. But for me, that is my factory setting. I am, I am that bear. Like, I come in and I want to make someone love. That's not, that's, I enjoy that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't see it as I'm giving him the glug gluck, 9,000. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm, no, fuck. Jesus, guys, that got the biggest laugh from you, the meme, a stolen joke from a meme. No, it's the fact that you referenced a color daddy episode. It's just two different worlds. Is that what that is? Yeah. Wow. I didn't even know that.

I just saw it on a fucking, I saw it online somewhere. Because you were the opposite of the color daddy world, which, sorry, that was my own. Oh, my God. I didn't mean to bring up any. No, I was entertained by it. It was a beautiful moment for me. Oh, okay. Good, good, good, good, good.

I mean, I just feel like sometimes with performing, like, every now and then I need to be off. Because I'm like, you, when I first meet people, I can't stop talk. I'm very like, be me, me, me, me. I'm loving it. I start getting some momentum. You're a slot machine. Yeah. But then eventually, like, you know I feel comfortable with you when I'm like pretty quiet

around you sometimes. I love that. Yeah. And I, I, that's something I have to fucking work on too. But also, I, I like someone and I always want to be like, hey, look, I have my own fucking, even with someone I like the most, I'm like, I am my own world. I make my own art. I have my own career.

And I don't want to lose that thought of being. like of like doing it like i don't i don't want to like become like a like a person who likes someone you know what i mean where it's like that then all the posts are are for them or you're sharing stories and you're looking at the stories are they looking at it you know what i mean i i never want to be that person like having a crush is painful it's painful yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's like also really sweet and it's really nice and it's like it's this whole thing is like dating is all this fucking complicated shit but it really just just comes down to like communicate just fucking communicate with me but you're going through

the hardest shit like I feel like those initial phases when they don't really know you and you don't really know them is when your head could get fucked with the most because you're like yeah putting them on this pedestal that there's something they're not that they're like fucking amazing every time with them is so incredible yeah and so like like you get the most heartbreak from people you don't even date because once you date them you're like okay like I know like it didn't work out try my hardest I feel like ultimately the person that you're going to be with is someone who like you actually can live without but you want but you want them yes and that's the mentality that you have to be in where i feel like that weird crush energy is so intense where

it's like illogical it's incredibly intense but that is the mentality that you have to get into where you're like like i don't want to be depressed because you know i'm not talking to this person you know what i mean i i just i just want to be like yeah fine and especially like as you get older you know you go I go like I've been here before I've gone through plenty of breakups have gone through many crushes I've had many many girls that don't like me that I like I've got I've I've had it all and guess what I always come out even Stevens I always come out of it going like well that was fucking crazy you always meet the next girl and you go oh what the fuck was wrong oh man that guy sucked and then you go like but I love you you know what I mean

and I don't want to do that anymore I just want to be a fucking guy have you always dealt with depression i've never dealt with it but i've always had it if that makes any sense why do you think you have depression or like why when you were younger did you have depression did you have a tough household growing up yeah is it genetic yeah i had a i had a i had a really bad like um my my my my nuclear family was like screaming at each other every day like my yeah i remember even in the low like i remember the youngest i i've been like my oldest memories are me in a crib listening to my parents fight and hearing my mom go I don't care if they're sleeping like which is hilarious to me my dad like you hear because my dad was always he never screamed he would just go like and my mom would be fucking yelling back and I just remember hearing and then her going I don't care if the kids are asleep I'll wake them up they're not asleep anymore yeah so you know it's always been rough but when I'm because I go I do talk therapy a lot. So I love fucking talk therapy. I go, I've been going for years and it's my depression is all

glued to something. You know what I mean? There isn't that sometimes I do get that cloud of like, you know, a couple weeks ago. During the, the album promotion and everything, I had that cloud and I was like, what's going on? I was like, I should be really happy right now. I should, you know, there's so much positivity. I'm doing all these shows. I'm expressing myself. I'm becoming more introspective. I'm 50 whatever day sober. I should be incredibly happy. But I just, I was like, oh, this. And I made it seem like in my head.

I was like, oh, this is just a feeling. It's, I'm just numb. There's no, there's no reason for me. But I was like, oh, no, there is a reason. There is a reason. It's, it's, I'm incredibly stressed. I, we've lost our jobs. The world is all fucked up.

That's why I'm so impressed that you got this done because, like, sometimes you're like, why can't I create? Why don't I feel excited? And it's like, oh, because I'm actually scared the world could end tomorrow. And I'm not like, ooh, what's a silly joke? Yeah, it's really. But you know what's so funny is like I was having a panic attack like the other week. And I was just like really going through it.

And I threw my journal open and I just started free writing. And I'm like, you know, there's like a difference between when I'm writing like, I was writing a little bit before this. Just being like, you know, journal entrying. And it's like, you know, all the letters are in the lines. And they're all, you know, my and whatever. And then when I'm having a panic. attack or I'm having like whatever the it's like every letter is one page and I'm like I'm holding the pen with a fist and everything and I'm I I I just thought and I'm like jagged s's that like the

people used to do it yeah yeah I do that three line to S connect it to be edgy and I'm having just a really bad time and then I just thought of something funny and it like took me out of it for a second and I go this is why good artists create because they're running from this feeling and when they do think of something and it's creative or whatever like they it takes them out of it for a second oh yeah and it almost seems like things are worth it for a second to be like oh i did that so i could like see the big picture and reflect on it and make a joke off of it a little bit how's your anxiety because i know like living in a home that was like tumultuous and aggressive and you never know at what second someone's going to pop off it's like walking on a

eggshells so how has your anxiety kind of evolved over time i'm completely riddled with it i've and i've always been which is like you know this was something new you know because anxiety has always been kind of like anxiety talking about anxiety is a fairly new thing yeah you know like people people never fucking talked about that shit they were just like oh i'm sad two years ago i verbatim said to a friend i was like people are like i have anxiety i'm like you're stressed calm down and then I was like, oh, I was wrong. I had it and I didn't even know. But it is like a, it is like a thing where you're like, can I, can you put a, can you take it and look at it?

Or is it a thing that comes from a lot like the depression that I was talking about? Like, is it a neurological feeling right now? Or is it linked to something or other in the back of my head? What's the anxiety coming from? And it's, that's something I've been trying to talk about and think about too, because I have this fucking anxiety and I'm so goddamn. goddamn riddled with it and for a long long time like years you're just going like get out

get out of my fucking body like get away I don't want to be that person when that's just who you that's like trying to say that's your skin color you're just like oh this is just what I can't change this I mean some people can like some people don't know they've excited because their whole life

that's just how they deal with stuff it's like oh this kind of gathering makes me anxious this just thing I have to do makes me super anxious I always say you know that feeling when you think of something that worries you and you get that sick feeling and then you forget what the thought was but you still have that sick feeling with you like that's what anxiety is and i haven't seen all the time and i'm like what the fuck was the answer to that question i was asking myself but it really is like that living with that and having to basically convince yourself

like you're not getting chased by a lion you're sitting here it's okay sometimes you just have to like pep talk yourself feel it feel the anxiety but it's like it's not even even like you can't even go like can't even go go away you just have to be like you just have to be like all right how are you you know like if my anxiety comes through my head you you let it sit there and then you go okay and then you just let it flow like I I've been trying to meditate a little bit more and that shit is all about that of just letting the thoughts come in and then leave you have to go like I'm just an anxious person I have anxiety I'm going to have anxiety this is gonna bring anxiety because you're we're constantly trying to fight these bad feelings yeah you know

i'm always going why do i feel this way what is happening i hate this feeling get out and then you're you're feeding the energy of it exactly exactly it's like a fucking do you talk to your male friends about this all the time i'm a i'm a i'm a i'm a i'm a spiritual introspective douchebag i am completely i mean and a lot of people want to fucking talk about it you should make that your instagram bio that's that's actually going to be my new my new my new website bio and a lot of my friends like talking about it

you know but you know there are some that even even when they do like talking about it they'll guys will make fun of you they'll just go like if you say spiritual one more time I had a friend go I had a friend go I was such an open wound

at this point too and I had to be like look I know you're kidding but that this really hurts my feelings is I was like I was going you know I was so mad about something recently And something, an interpersonal conflict that I had with people that I thought were my friends. Who are my friends still? But, and I'm talking about it with some other buddies of mine.

And I go, I go, I go, look, our, this is where I'm at right now. My love, my friendship, that should be a fucking commodity to people. I'm a good person. I talk to my friends. I'm like, that you should be scared to lose me. It's all ego, by the way. I still kind of believe this. But it does sound dushy because it is filled with ego, you know, this, that whole thing.

And I'm doing that and I'm going, you know, and I'm such an open wound and I'm like crying. And my buddy just goes, my buddy goes, hey, if you quote the Gary Shandling book to me one more time, I'm going to lose my mind. And I just go, hey, man, this is actually how I feel. I'm not learning this from a book. And he goes, I'm kidding. He's like, I'm kidding. What are we doing? Why are you getting offensive?

And I go, I know you're joking, but I just can't. handle that right now please please please respect me it's interesting when it's like two comics especially because they'll say something that fucking hurts and then they're like I'm joking and you're like yeah what a fucking joke is bro yeah yeah I make seventy five dollars a year on jokes I'm at the most elite clubs in the city I'm at the most is that why you do this no is that why you do to like create a through line for the podcast hold the whole It's called, it should be called biographies. Elite is such a word that, like, a girl would write.

Like, an elite. I know. I thought that was, that's an interesting question. You think I, what gives you the, I don't know, what made you think I only talk this way to women? Oh, just because sometimes I feel like, not that you only talk about it to women, I thought you might not talk about it a lot or feel like it's a safe space with your bros. Because so many guys, especially New Yorkers and Long Island guys, I feel like are just like. they get uncomfortable talking about their feelings. Yeah.

Or they get uncomfortable that if you open up about it, they have to kind of like feel their own feelings. And guys are taught to like cope with things by being quiet. Like girls, what do you think girls do when they hang out? Everything is checking your relationships, checking your health, check in your self-esteem.

Like that's what we all do every like too much. Where guys, I'll be like, oh, that guy you hung out with is he dating someone? And they'll be like, no idea. And I'm like, in four hours, it never came up. A hundred percent. And that is really what guys do. But then it's also like, you know, sometimes it'll come.

It's not like, well, how are you? Blah, blah, blah. I just be like, man, this is a bad week. I have never felt more alone and depressed in my life. And then they're like, okay, cool. So like, should we watch, I think you should leave? Or, you know, it's just like, it really is like that. But I do think comics do deal with, like, depression sometimes.

You probably have other people that have. like connected with you and been like I've I've gone through some shit people people deal with all this shit nobody everyone it has mental issues even even the person that you're like you think is like uh the most sane person that you can meet is going through something in their fucking heads well that was the point this podcast is getting people on who like people look up to for whatever reason reason or like whether they're whatever's going in their life that you're like there's no issue with that person to them be like let's dig fucking deep and it's funny because some of the most successful people are like the most sick

even growing up i'd see like lebron james and i'd be like how's it possible his life seems so much better than everyone else's but that was just me looking based on like um a notepad of like his accomplishments when it's like life is so much more complex and how you react to everything you can fucking hate yourself every time you win an NBA championship because your father wasn't there to see it or you don't feel like you're being a good enough You know, husband. Anyway, we're going to wrap this up. Jesus Christ.

I could talk like this for hours. I know. I normally just do 30 minutes and then play the game, but we're at an hour. But this is this. What game? What game? We have a game. We have a game.

You play a game? I know that like you guys don't do this, but this is like a fun podcast. This is like grumbling the whole time. No, I'm just kidding. It's a segment. Oh my God. It's time to play. the seven deadly sins cue the music seven deadly sins so what are you greedy about okay i'm greedy about

my success in my life i'm greedy about my what i what i want from this world i could probably learn to budge a little bit more than i do but i i've gotten to a point especially with like doing comedy for as long as I've been doing it, you get to a point where you're like, I have to have my own self-interest here. And I could be a little, little greedy with that where I'm like, you know, where, where maybe other interpersonal relationships get in the way. Why do you want success so bad? I don't know. I have no idea. It, it's, that's something I've been thinking about over and over and over again. I think since the beginning when I started, all I've heard was there was a 90% drop rate, 90% drop rate. So 90% comics either quit or don't make it or

whatever, which is fine. I'm not even saying I'm going to make it, but I want to be successful in my own eyes of like, you know, and I want the next thing. I want to go, okay, so I just did that. I want to be better than that. And sometimes in show business, you know, being better means that you have to fucking, like, no, I can't fucking go home and visit my mom. I have a show or I have to do this or that. Is your mom proud of you? I don't know, probably. I hope so.

I hope my parents are proud of me. They tell me they're proud of me. They're good parents when it comes to that shit. But, you know, I remember the day my album came out, I, like, texted my family. And I was like, we're on number one. We've been number one for fucking, since. My album was number one at like 9 a.m. And then it went number one for six days.

We dropped. We went down to second for about three hours or so to this one guy who followed me on Instagram and then Facebook. And I was like, dude, we don't know each other. It's because we're both on the, we both released an album on the same day. You don't know me like that. You don't know me like that. And then we were back up for five days later. So it was like, you know, I was like text on.

I was like, six days. Man, that's fucking huge because I don't know. know usually comics just get like 24 hours and then that's like it you know the the whole number one on iTunes thing is such smoking mirrors but then six days I'm like wow that's a long time to be on the fucking that's fucking top of the charts so I texted my family out and they were like that's awesome good for you but it's like I just don't believe it in a way I or they don't know the extent of like what it means yeah if my dad or my mom called me and they were like hey I just wanted to say how proud I am of which my dad has done he's he's called me or we used to

go out to dinner a lot and he's like I just want to tell you like I'm really impressed with who you have become because he told my dad told me he's like we didn't know for a while there was like a couple there was like a long oh I think my whole teenage years was just like Jesus Christ this guy's going to end up either in jail or or dead from an overdose drugs I was just doing drugs I was just like a bad kid doing drugs I wasn't doing like heroin I did heroin but I wasn't injecting it or anything I was like taken to laudids and stuff and like oxy cottons and like ecstasy all the time and shit.

Yeah. I'm more addicted to like coffee and laughter. I smoke cigarettes here and there. I just can't get fucking addicted to it. But if I don't have a coffee in the,

if I don't have my coffee, don't talk to me, you know, I'm one of those fucking people. And then, but you got into, did you stop doing drugs and then get into more alcohol later in life?

Yeah, I mean, I was doing, I was smoking weed every day. still kind of do but like now lately i've been like do i have to stop smoking weed too because i've just been boozing and that's what i stopped doing and i was like fuck do i have to stop smoking meat but like i smoked weed from like 13 till yesterday you know what i mean like every fucking day i feel like there's so many teenage guys who like are either smoking weed all the time playing video games all the time partying all the time who are literally just trying to hide from their anxiety like they're not bad kids a hundred percent but like girls show it in

different ways sometimes like they'll get eating disorders because they're trying to control their life through food and but it's like yeah these kids they're always like oh it's such a bad kid when it's like some of these guys are so smart they're just like have anxiety and people aren't coping with it the right way for sure and the the more clearer I'm getting like you know the less the more clear I'm getting the more than I'm starting to deal with these other emotions that are coming up that I've never dealt with and I'm like and I'm like well if I learn now I'm not even in my 30s yet so this is a good time to learn all of this shit also just for the listeners since it's around 90% women and the rest I don't know if they're straight guys what's your type women wise

um women wise I don't know why I said that women wise men next and I'll do I'll do men next honestly honestly if I kind of wish I like touched both of those those windows you know what I mean but I don't my my women buy I could be but I'm not I mean there was a there is a I went to a birthday party yesterday for this dude who's a who's a who's a friend of mine who's gay and every time he was like I'm gonna make out with you I'm like really you know I was like I was like oh my god thank you but I I I you know and he's a he's a handsome guy I'd probably do it but I probably wouldn't like it I did have that thought I went what if I was gay I just don't I don't think I could get intimate with a guy like that

I feel like every straight person has to have a moment where they're like, because gay people will be like, it took me a while to figure it out. And then some straight people, like, I've been like, wait, am I gay? And I just haven't figured it out yet. Yeah. But then it's like you have to trust your instincts. When someone walks into a room, who do you want to fuck? Yes, exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. When I was at that party yesterday, I was looking at the women. I was like looking at, and I wasn't like looking at the dudes or anything. Do I love the attention when a lesbian flirt with me? Yes. Yeah. Would I be upset if she said?

she'd rather fuck another girl at the party, yes, but am I getting myself in dangerous waters? Yeah. No. So, what kind of, what kind of? What's your type? I'm into, I'm into everybody, but like, I'm not into everybody. I don't have, I don't have a, I don't have like a aesthetic type.

You know what I mean? I'll, I'd probably stay away from like heavier girls just because I'm heavy and I, I don't want to, you know, get a rash on my stomach. anything like that or whatever you know but as that's as far as like aesthetic goes but really i've found myself on on it's what it is is who can i laugh with who makes me laugh and who laughs at me and who can i laugh with who who who makes me a better person and who um i can have a conversation with that i really if if there's a tv on in my room like say me in a uh chick or laying in bed and I have the TV on. If I'm not looking at that TV and I'm talking to her, that's what I'm

attracted to. If I can turn, I'll turn the TV off and I'm like, let's talk. I want to, I want to talk to you. But if I'm with a girl who I have zero chemistry with and I'm just like, oh, God, this is kind of brutal. Like, I don't want to be with you. You know, that's, that's when I'm not attracted to you. I love that you said it's important. Like, they say intimacy is when two people laugh at the same time. Like, obviously you're funny. You probably meet a lot of girls you can make laugh or you probably meet girls that like make you laugh but it's like you really have to have that a sense of humor that like something happens in the room and you both lock eyes and you both are like having the same reaction to it yes it's different than comedy funny finding that like chemistry

humor between two people i i fall in love with girls like that like i if we're if we have a big laugh together i i'm immediately like oh my god this girl i love this girl also you have a good laugh you have your like dolphin laugh when you really like something yeah i mean yeah i do that i do do that okay who are you envious of i'm envious of um people who are creating and getting what they deserve because i feel like i'm creating and not really getting any of the attention or whatever that i deserve I'm still struggling financially I'm not I'm not envious of anybody with any good mental health because there are that's not real to me I don't think I don't think anybody is mentally healthy but I am it

it's riding the waves of the ups and downs exactly they're just experiencing their feelings even even like my friends who are doing amazing and in like even like not career wise if these people are like got their shit together I'm I'm not even envious of that. I'm like, I can do that. I know how to do that. I just, I'm envious to the people who get, you know, who are just making it in this, in this business.

And not even in a way like, why are they? Because I, I don't care. We're all different. You know what I mean? Like, I can do something that like, you know, fucking. Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart.

Yeah. So we're, we're two different fucking people. I mean, if our fans can line up, that's perfect because I can use a million fans. He has but I'm not like why is he I never really look at someone and go like why I mean like some people I'll like roll my eyes at and I'll be like God that's such a hack dude like fuck but I but if they get successful I'm not like I don't care because I'm not I'm not like well that stops me that's they're eating my part of the cake. Did you have a full-time job before stand-up? I started when I was 19. So my last job was I delivered pizza and stuff. Oh, I was a delivery boy. Did you go to school, go to college?

I went to three colleges, I'll have you know. I went to SVA for a semester. Okay, fancy. I went to Nassau Community College for a couple semesters. And then I graduated at Pace with a BFA in communications. Oh my God, my dad went to four colleges and he ended up at Pace. Wow, Pace, huh? Pace is just fucking scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

My mom went to Cornell and my dad went to four colleges. Anyway, not important. I'm just, yeah, that's who I'm envious of, the people that can afford to have a one-bedroom apartment. You know, the people that are doing what they love, because I'm doing what I love, and I'm making money doing it. Like, I don't have a day job now. Which is amazing. Yeah. But also, you could find a sugar mama.

That's why guys date me. You know, oh, yeah, you're a sugar mama? Oh, well, let me know when you're taking applications. I'll fucking, I'll send a resume your way. I'm going to change my bio for sure. but what are you gluttonous about so what do you overindulgent like any kind of food or like food what kind of food give me the goods fast food burger king McDonald's all that shit that's just ripping the fucking insides of my body you know just all the stuff that's giving me cancer

okay if i'm going to mickey d's what's the go-to order that i should get oh man i get a i get a plain number nine which is two plain cheeseburgers large with a thing of fries and a It's pretty basic, but it's, I mean, there's nothing better than finishing a burger and then having another burger. You know what I mean? That makes me really happy, actually. That puts a smile on my face. With alcohol, what made you decide to go sober and how the fuck did you stop? And how are you at 52 days right now?

Well, that's another thing I'm gluttonous about. I'm a glutton for alcohol and also the feeling of being like a party guy. I like being somebody who can just live like a rock star and nothing happens, but there's nobody like that. That's not a true thing. I just, I like the, I'm a gluttonist for the feeling of show business, for the feeling of being at like a party, like a New York comedy festival party or like whatever or like a whatever and just having a drink in hand and being around all these people with the same dream as you. and some people are, you know, at different levels and stuff. And, like, and then I just get fucking hammered. And what stopped me is, like, I, you know, people have been asking me and I, I've had, like, all these personal rock bottoms.

So nothing like crazy. You know, there's some people that are like, yeah, I was blowing this chick for a, for a shot of doers. And I just said to myself, no. But I've had, like, personal rock bottoms where, like, I've said to, like, I left my phone in an Uber. And that's, like, something everyone does. And I've said that, like, that's, like, a personal. rock bottom for me like i had to miss because we me and me and mike feeney we shoot uh these sketches every week oh yeah they're so funny thank you yeah i had to i had to i had to i was late an hour

to our shoot because i had to call the guy yeah and i had to get my phone back and everything and that's like jesus christ and it's like if that was my wallet i'd be fucked if that was my thank god i had an ipad that i could call myself you know i'm not and then the night before i was uh or like the night after or something i just got i was like walking home from a regular day you know just like a just being and I went let me get some booze and I got three tall boys of like truly

or something and I just walked around my fucking like a story of listening to comedy albums or something and I like fell asleep on the sidewalk I was like on the floor I like sat down obviously I didn't pass out or anything but I was like let me sit down listen to him listen of Joe to Rose's album

the way you were on the sidewalk like determines a lot if it was a sitting position versus like a leg randomly out of course it was a sitting position I had my back up against the wall but my legs were like this but definitely no one passed and was like that guys do cars passed cars passed by and they probably went like okay and then I just passed out and I like woke up like 20 minutes later and I was like Jesus Christ and then I and then I went home and I fell asleep and I woke up at four in the morning with the truly stomach and I fucking projectile vomited it.

And I was like, that had to burn my insides up a little bit. So, are you afraid that your friends are going to be like, Brendan doesn't drink anymore? Kind of lame. No, I don't care about that. I don't care. Because, you know, we all have our own fucking journey. That's what I told my therapist.

I was like, when I was like, I think I should stop drinking. I was like, he was like, you should. He's like, yeah, of course. You seem to have a problem. And I was like, well, I don't know if I have a problem. Because the amount that you're fighting it shows that you have a problem. Like if I, if I can just be like, yeah, I'm going to stop drinking. for a little bit but I was like I don't think so I don't I don't want anyone to think I'm an alcoholic or whatever I'm like what will my friends think what will they what will my friends I said to him I go what would my friends think if I stop boozing for a year and then a year goes by and they see me with a hyniquin in my hands and they're like oh god Brendan is this is sad and and he's like dude sobriety is a fucking journey man it's not an easy thing he's like people have to go through that all the fucking time also there's this new thing called like being sober curious have you heard you

sober curious yeah that's like refinery 29 is writing about it and it's like a thing that people i think are doing in quarantine because they they might not consider themselves like a full-on addict but they're like i kind of like life when i'm not drinking yeah that's fucking hilarious that's a good name album album title so we're curious write that down yeah tag me you know i had a I had a thing happen where I was talking with this girl and, you know, she's just somebody that I really liked, you know? It was one of those. We laughed together.

She liked me. It was going. And I just got hammered one night. She met me at this place to do a, you know, to do a show. Like I was doing a show and we met up and I got fucking obliterated. And she was just like, we can't, this will never work. And I was, because she's sober. So I was like, oh, fuck.

And so in so it's, I'm losing my shirt. shit i'm paying more money i'm just things are standing on the way of my happiness i was like this has got to go this is only getting worse also for the listeners sober guys are my favorite because i've actually dated a lot of sober guys in my life they're like they always have it together the mornings are always nicer you never have alcohol related fights the day is not surrounding where's the next party it's like actually building your relationship they're normally doing better in their career once you meet them sober and yeah just like there's so much more to building a relationship there's so many relationships just around like liking to party together and it's like fun until it's not totally and like to jump off of that like i found myself at a party holding a beer looking around going i've done this this is nothing new i this is i've been this guy for 10 years i need to fucking change the book i need to turn the chapter We need to get to a new fucking place.

Well, especially as an artist, it's based on what inspires you and the experiences around you. And if you're kind of in that same cycle of abuse, how many original thoughts are you going to have doing that same thing? Also, once you're burning the brain cells of your brain every night. Totally, totally. I'm also a glutton. And then I'll just say this real quick. I'm a glutton for feeling sad. Oh, tell me about this.

Do you, like, play sad music? I play sad music, yeah. I lay in bed. I feel a little sad. I'm like, let's explore this. Do you cry in the mirror? I don't cry in the mirror. I cry.

Because when I cry, I like to go to the mirror and see the sadness. Me too. Me too. If I'm by a mirror, I'll walk right in front of the mirror and I'll look at my eyes. If it's in my vicinity, I'll find the mirror. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But you can find me fucking on any time of the day laying in my bed, fully closed, just fucking holding my phone like this.

staring but not looking at anything listening to music listening to sad music and I go I know what's happening here the music is making me sad and I'm feeling sad if I change the type of music I might actually lift myself up a little bit but I just don't want to I'm like

let's play everything that makes me sad but does it help like get I think crying is healthy because I was always taught like not to cry be tough and then every now then I'll cry and I'll be like why was I holding that in I feel better now it feels so good It feels so good to cry.

Like I think last time I cried was during that thing where my buddy was like, if you quote the Gary Shandling thing to me, and I felt this like, I really am alone. I am alone in, which is an ego thing, by the way. That's not even true. I'm going like, I'm going, no one's ever felt this sad. I am, I am, no one's ever felt like I felt. And that's an ego. That's all ego, dude. So I'm like, I'm writing in my journal and I'm just like, I feel.

so fucking alone i feel like no one understands me i'll never meet anybody that gets what i'm going through or feels that i'm feeling and i just fucking just started crying you know i love i love i love that for you when was the last time you experienced extreme anger it usually is in my dreams believe it or not like i mean yeah it's strange i i'm always yelling at my parents in my dreams at the top of my lungs and i i ask people i go hey do you ever yell at someone at the your lungs in your dreams and they're like no and I'm like uh you know I'm like talking I want to yell for help and nothing comes out wow it's all Freudian you know it's like you know which I'm constantly battling I'm always like is that Freudian bullshit just ingrained in us is that

real you know when people are like is this a real thing or you know people blame their parents for the way they're fucked up and it's like yeah how long can you do that though it's like you know when you're approaching like 30 35 40 are you like can you just get rid of that Freud in bullshit or can you know whatever but what did your therapist say about the dream he would go you know you know what it is my therapist hates hates my not hates my parents but he's big on like every time we go i'm like why do i feel this why am i like this what why why why why why why why he's like you know why because your parents and i'm like fuck you know it's very like cliche but there is that reason the last time i got actually mad out loud at someone was uh just a girlfriend

of mine like my ex-girlfriend we we were just getting into screaming matches and she was just i was just losing my mind at her i was scream she was screaming at me i was screaming at her and i hate that i hate that in relationships i hate that people think that like respectful communication it's like well you called me a con then i could call you a fucking bitch and the next exactly exactly and i uh i i said something that i like regret to this day i i i called her pathetic I was like you're fucking I like said something about her life at the time she was living with her parents and everything and which is fine you know she's saving much she's saving up money she's working a job it's like it's completely respectable and I was just like she was yelling at

me for some bullshit I went well look at you and I just fucking tore her down and I went you're fucking pathetic and she just it got real fucking sad man it got real sad and I just went like I'm so sorry like immediately after I was like I am so Sorry. I was like, I can't believe I said that. I don't believe that. I'm so sorry. You know, I was also drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you care about her. So you knew when like shit heard a little too much. Like what when are you really not on their team anymore where you're like almost just rooting against them? Yeah. Yeah. When was the last time you were a sloth? So like a lazy piece of shit? I don't know. Now I it's been so long because if I, you know, it's so. It's so. funny. I'm such a douche. Everything can relate back to mental health for me. It's like, it's, you know, sometimes I hear myself and I go, what are, is this really how you feel? Is this really who you are? Or are you just being some fucking artistic queues? No, I think you're just hyper aware of your emotions right now and it's really healthy. Yeah, me too. Great. Yes. Good. We're moving on. Perfect. Last time I was slothy was probably when I was in a relationship Because I wasn't working on anything

And I would and you and to me I was going I need to spend time with my girlfriend Yeah But we're not doing anything So we're just hanging out watching and like she'd be on the computer being like Hey I have to finish some stuff for work is it cool if I just go on the computer and I'm like yeah yeah And I just watch TV or played video games and I was like I was like that's when I felt But now I've realized that if I'm not working, if I'm not like, if my day doesn't start at 8.30 and immediately is like, I, what I wake up, coffee, headphones in, dance. I dance a little bit during the day. Just get the blood going. And if I'm not working, if I'm not working from then until up time when I feel satisfied, you know, if I'm, I, the demons come back.

What kind of work are you doing as like a comedian entrepreneur right now? oh so i'll do this i'm doing a lot of promotion for my album i have i have the video project of it up so basically a special oh cool that i have to now put on youtube and i'm going to cut that up and i'm going to put it on instagram and twitter and do all that dumb shit and then i'll watch a lot of marketing yeah i'll watch uh you know i have to answer emails i'm getting more emails than ever now you know and like just shit shit that i'm like you know you know just shit that i'm like you people want me to promote their shit on instig you know you get those fucking emails where they're like hey can you do do do show show things that I have to respond back to uh I got

someone today that want to be my intern and I was like buddy you don't want to be my intern I'll watch master classes to to to strengthen my brain in that way to educate myself in different things I'll free write for like 30 minutes to tell my mentality and this is all work to me this is all like no that's why it's interesting like what is your workload compared to like the average nine to five yeah yeah and then me and me and feeney like I mentioned we do we do sketches and stuff and so that's been something we're trying to figure out because our numbers aren't great but we're we're really like we're just trying to like figure it out we're like we're trying to figure out our voice because in a world right now where a bunch of stand-up comics are making sketches they kind

of all look the same they're kind of all look the same they kind of all sound the same everybody's trying to do the you know and this happened like two years ago they this whole fade has passed the fad has has passed but it's like remember when people were doing that like pov where it would cut after the punchline go to another punchline kind of thing and it was like a minute video of someone just doing punchlines yeah and then everybody was doing that that's how I feel right now other stuff. I'm not going to get too much into it. But that's, you know, so we're trying to become unique. We're trying to work together,

collaborate. But also, yeah. That's why I was surprised you got an album out, because it's like, I didn't even like, I'll like tweet stuff, but I'm like, I'm not doing quarantine jokes. Like, because it's nothing that's going to be original. I don't know. I think that hard. But then it's like, I haven't also, I haven't been on stage since March

because I've just been doing other shit. And, but I'm like, who knows what I'm going to write when it's my time. Yeah, I mean, when I was, when shit was back, my, my schedule was just writing jokes. It was, I'd get up, go to the coffee shop, flip my notebook open and for three to four hours, just try to write material and stuff. And now it's like all over the fucking place. I have to do new things.

Me and Feeney get on a call every Tuesday. What are we doing this week? We have to meet every, we film every Saturday. And you don't want to sacrifice the original important workload of like writing, but also sometimes doing things inspire it better. Yeah. Is it better not waking up hungover? it's a fucking dream i love not waking up hungover i there's only a few times that i'm like oh i wish i was drinking right now but then you go like i would be so disappointed in myself which

is fine too like if you wake if you fuck up if i fuck up i will wake up and i'll go fuck man i have to reset that count that that uh counter that i have on my phone but at the end of the day it's like whatever don't worry don't worry too much about it like you fucked up this is still a journey just keep moving forward you know what i mean do it for myself you know that's when which is like that's what i told that girl that night i went like i was like i'm gonna quit drinking but i'm not doing it for you i'm doing it for me so i'll let you know when i'm good you know well that's good a good thing to hear because you also don't want to feel like someone's just doing it because it like was a peeve of yours you want them to like earnestly people aren't going to change unless like they really

authentically want to you can't like trick them into doing it it's like at what point do you are you are you doing something for the person or are you doing it for yourself and that's so fucking hard to like you know when someone makes you a better person you're like you are making me a better person but it is on my time just so you know I don't want you to like believe like they didn't like create a new side of you like it's always been in you exactly I don't want anyone to think I need them hell yeah when was the last time you lusted over someone like do you have a celebrity crush or like a weird encounter you've had lusted, huh?

When did I lust over someone? I don't know. You have like a magazine. Can I say right now? Oh my God. With you? I don't know. I don't think I understand the full extent of lust.

I have people that I'm like, oh my God, I want to be with them so badly. And I want to like hold them, you know? I want to bond with people. You're adorable. Oh, thanks. What is lust? I just want. Real love.

You're like fucking. Not even like love. I don't even like love. I don't even give shit about love. But like I don't know what like to me lust is like, oh what? You fuck someone that you're not into or something? Or just like you see something that you're like very attracted to. It's hard. It's hard to think about it because I don't want to like give.

I don't want to give power to any woman in my life right now. Well, that's an issue in itself. Why are you afraid of not giving power to a woman? Do not think women can handle power? No. Come on. They can't, which is why most CEOs are men. You understand.

No, I think when I give someone, I've talked about this with my therapist where I'm like, why do they have the power over me? What is that? It goes back to that thing in our heads of like the, oh, there's always somebody in the relationship that likes somebody more. And it's like, what is that? And my therapist was like, well, you're not, you're giving her power because you're giving her, you're letting her control.

control your emotions your emotions yeah you're you're you're you're if you weren't ashamed of how you feel then she would have no control yeah I mean I love like there's moments where like sometimes one person is a little more needier than the other one in a relationship and that's kind of fun like seeing like are you like really into me right now or especially like later on in the relationship when it's like oh are we like when we're first dating obviously goes ups and down and like people's moods and stuff but it's like both each person needs to fucking care for each other equally yeah it needs to be a a partnership or at least some sort of communication where they're just like hey i can't give you what you want

right now i do like you i just can't give you what you're giving to me yeah you know yeah so final question you're crushing it in hell it's been a hot one what advice would you give to the listeners on how to ultimately cope with your hell when you're going through it when you're in your dark place keep going that's what Winston Churchill said he said if you're if you're going through hell keep going and that really is what it is if you stop to take a you can stop to take a look around but don't fucking set up a tent you know feel your emotions feel your emotions sit in them look around but there's always a fucking light and also we all die and I mean that in a I mean that I mean that in a very positive way I mean that in more of a Zen way you know it's like we die

man you can die at any minute too so just fucking keep going keep pushing yeah sometimes you get a little too focused on these like little things and sometimes step out for a second and be like in five years am i going to care about this moment or like when i'm on my deathbed am i going to be like oh i wish i made a different decision about like if i should go to that party yeah you might have some regrets but regrets are just unable to accept what your life was so if you can just accept what's going on exception is fucking huge you could just accept shit you're you'll be fine mentally you'll be all right you're gonna go through some shit just keep fucking going like you know we have friends that are like oh man this girl really fucked me up and it's like but don't you remember

the girl that fucked you up 40 years ago what do you think about her you don't give a shit about her anymore so just keep fucking going keep pushing i love that so much brendon where can people follow you listen to you watch you give me the goods uh you could Follow me at at Brendan Sagalow, B-R-E-N-D-A-N-S-A-L-O-W. And I have a couple podcasts. I have Garbage Days with I do with my buddy, Scott. They go through garbage and they see what they can find. And we eat it.

Yeah. And it's a visual podcast. And I have a podcast that just launched with Mike Feeney and Mike Cannon called Here's the Scenario. Love it. And I'd love for people to check that out, but the real thing here, the real promotion here, here is the album please buy the album let's try to get back to number one wouldn't that be cool hell yeah yeah buy the album and also you know if you don't buy the album you can listen to it on spotify and everything so just listen to it and please share it a ton of millennial women just like

yes friend yes we don't know how we feel about this guy and if you do share it uh or like whatever you do listen to it share it on your instagram whatever and i'll share your fucking thing you know what i mean like i'll i think that's that's very nice of me no but if you guys thought anything was funny screenshot this episode quote it do whatever like subscribe rate reviews swipe up whatever um love you guys thanks for coming to hell and i'll talk to you next time bye