Berner Phone - Carmen Lynch: Getting Discovered & Feeling Awkward

Episode Date: June 23, 2023

Comedian Carmen Lynch is on the show to talk about her new special coming out! See her record her special live at the Comedy Cellar in NYC on June 26th. Tickets here! I have stand up shows coming up in NYC, Newark, Westhampton, Tarrytown, Connecticut, Texas, Arizona, Chicago, Milwaukee, and more! Get tickets here! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning Heaven You guys, we have Carmen Lynch first time on the pod. I know. And I've had a crush on you for like a while. Really tell me about it. I will.

Okay. I don't know if you remember this gig, but it was like a playboy thing. Was it at the stand? No. No, it was at this, like, in time square. It was definitely sketchy. Do you remember this gig?

For some reason, I was, like, there. I wasn't performing. I was, like, starting comedy. And it was all just, like, models and old men in the crowd. Oh, I thought I was a model. And all the comics were going up, and you walk in, and you're gorgeous, tall. And then you just start making fun of hot people and, like, how you're awkwardly hot and that kind of thing. And you murdered.

Like, people were dying laughing, and I remember thinking, like, Carmen is such an incredible comedian, I'll always love her forever. So then fast forward now that, like, we're friends. I'm like, this is crazy pants. Hi. Hi. Wait, I remember the Playboy thing, but I don't remember what the room look like. It was, okay, you had to, like, walk out. I think Nikki Glazer was on the show. You had to walk out. It was like a runway. Yes. There was all these things that could go wrong. And I was nervous for every comedian. And I remember, like, you felt like a model on it because it was like this, like, plank, this runway thing. You had to walk, like, awkwardly too long to get to the stage. And I hate that shit. I will always do an awkward jog.

I need to stop. Like, I do an awkward jog every time someone calls my name. And I'm like, let's just walk like a normal person. It's hard when you're tall, though, isn't it? You're tall. I'm 5'7. Okay. You can dog.

How tall are you? I'm six feet, but I'm a clutz. I have big feet. And I have a bunion that, like, you're tall. throws me off. And I had scoliosis, which throws me off. So I feel like I'm hitting things all the time. And now I have this new thing where I'm dropping things. Like my, my grip needs work. Oh, and when you drop something, it's not, it's a little more dramatic because it's coming from like the Eiffel Tower. Yeah. I drop this happened to me this morning. I swear to God, I sneak out

of the bedroom. My boyfriend's still asleep. And then I drop my phone. Like, and I'm, I'm like, if that happened to me, I would hate him. But he doesn't wake up. I hate that. he sleeps so soundly. See, I'm him, you're Des. Uh-huh. So, Des will wake up with a movement. Like, I wouldn't even make a sound. I'll make a movement, and he'll be like, oh.

Yes. And his whole thing is that he's a hunter. That's like his thing. But then I'll, like, sneeze, the most dramatic, loud sneeze ever in complete silence. And he's like, what's the fuck? Like, he gets scared very easily. Yes. I'm like that.

But I didn't hear it. What did you say? It was because he's a hunter. Because he's a hunter. No, I heard it's the sign of a family of alcoholics. he does last he does have a family he too wait wait wait okay wait this makes so much more sense

as in you never know who's gonna come in blackout swinging and and my father is like that but no one in my family drank a lot but I got it from him because you know you pick up the signs so his family was sober but my family was sober his family was alcohol yeah yeah and we have this grandfather clock even if it just goes tick he's like

No, because Edens' family is sober, but they come from. I cannot wait to explain this to him, because it never made sense to me. I come from like a very, you know, we don't really drink, just like a calm. I mean, we're New Yorkers. Kind of a healthy family. I want to be a hunter. I'm going to use a hunter. He can have an alcoholic family.

I'm taking Hunter. You need to take Hunter. You're protecting the family. Yes. Also, you are. Half your family is from America and half is from Spain. Yes. How does it feel that Hilaria Baldwin wants to be you?

Everybody asks me that. It was like the older thing. And she did want to meet me. Not any Spanish woman. No, she saw you and she's like, I want to be her. She's like, she's so tall. I want to be comedian, half Spanish. I want to do special in Spanish.

She, that's so funny because she named all her kids Spanish names, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was very in the trenches with this during COVID because we had nothing else to do and I'm like this is the weirdest thing I've ever heard because she's she apparently

both her parents are American not even Spanish descent and she like went to Barcelona for like a spring break and fell in love with it Barcelona you got a that's how she would say it and then are you hilarious honestly

but for favor um see She would do this interviews and she'd be like, how do you say Cucumber? She's American. She's American. Did you see this? No, I saw, I mean, I zoned out from part of it because it's like so disturbing. Like also, why are you trying to be, like, what are you trying to get from that?

Well, it's cultural appropriation in the strangest way. But also, like, you're married to Alec Baldwin. Like, you have enough benefits. Like, what are you trying to be more, like, diverse for what? A movie? Like, what is your problem? You're doing fine. Maybe if you want the kids to learn Spanish, you don't have to claim it's your heritage. No, get a cleaning lady. My mother will do it. Everyone always thought my mom was the cleaning lady. It was so sad. At your house? Yes. Oh, no. Yes. She's tiny. My father's tall like me. Now I'm the tallest because he's like shrunk. Yes. But my mom is like five feet. And she's so Spanish and tiny. She fits right here. when I hug her, she fits right in my bosom. Right in your bosom. Right in my little bosom.

She's so tiny. Yeah. So how did they pop you out? How did she pop you out of her pussy? I know. I ask her that all the time. I was big. Yeah.

Like nine and a half. Yes. I was induced. Is that the word when they're like, push her out? Yeah. Yeah. They just keep pulling. Yeah.

We're talking so much about family, but I love it. My dad is, I come from a basketball family. I'm from Brooklyn. Yes. So you're the friend that my dad would have done a B-Line for and been like, so you play ball? Are you thinking of playing ball? I have so many regrets about that. Like, my dad would be that annoying guy to you.

This is what happened growing up, okay? Two things. When you're always tall. I was always tall. Do you play basketball? Yep. And are you, do you want to be a model or you should be? Because then you believe it.

You're 14 and you're like, I'm going to be a model. Yeah. And it's like, no, you're not. Okay? You would have been discovered at the mall by now. Nobody discovered me, okay? And I still, because you would go, your eyebrows are so big. They're just like Brooke Shields.

And I was like, I'm the next Brooke Shields. So you just like stomped around malls for years? Just waiting for someone. I'd be like, what's that store? You're eating Auntie Ans or whatever, just stuffing your face. Like nobody, nobody wants this? Maybe they're at Sears. Let's go to that corner.

I mean, I think you could be a runway model. Oh, yeah. Thank you. No. I mean, it's now, because they're like hiring like older models now. No, but I mean, I feel like beauty now, I feel like beauty, like, you are so beautiful. Beauty's weird now. Beauty's like everything now.

Everything. I could have been an everything model. It's like you're either, right now, you have to either be like so perfect fake looking or so fucking weird looking. Yeah. Where like, if you're just looking, no one wants to see it. No, but now you can also like change your face. Like if I just wanted to change my nose a little bit.

Yeah. You know? But yeah, that was goal number one. You would have been so bored as a model. Really? Yeah. Just because I'm like, I'm sick of walking. Yeah, you would have been understimulated.

You would have been trying to like talk to the other models. They would have been like, please stop talking to us. Stop talking us. Like we don't want to get lines on our face. Stop talking to me. They'll make me laugh. I want to like try it. Hey guys.

Why aren't you talking to me? You do stand up modeling. You get to the front. You have to drop like a punchline and then turn around. Or it's like the same style, like it's deadpan. You're just like, hi, this is Calvin Klein. I have scoliosis. I have scoliosis.

That's probably why I wouldn't have gotten hired because they would have been like, your back is slightly crooked. And I wore a back brace. So I was like, there's no way. Do you feel like everyone who wore a back brace became funny? It helps, I think. I think.

I'm still angry about it, though. What traumatizing years did you wear? back brace middle school 7th through 9th grade so it was a new school in the 7th grade no and I didn't tell anyone and then I would honestly feel this one day when somebody tapped me it was like and I was like oh my god I've been discovered I'm so humiliated and or they would tap me lightly and I wouldn't feel it because it was a brace yeah so they'd be like and they don't only tap your head and then it was like what the hell is that Carmen so you're professional Well, WMBA career wasn't looking bright in middle school?

No, but then I was like, everyone was like, do you want to play, do you play basketball? And I was like, no, like, it wasn't a thing. Like, I didn't think it was cool. Yeah. And now my boyfriend's son likes to play. He's 14. And I play with him, and I love it. You do?

I wish I'd played. Oh, my God. Because I kind of don't suck. I mean, I suck for not ever playing, but for being tall, I kind of, for a new person, I don't suck. So I was checking out your hands. I was doing, like, the coach. thing. My dad is very like, you got strong legs. I think you'll be good. You know, you could palm a basketball, I feel like. Yeah. Damn it. It's too late. But then you, I was from

the sports family where it was like all about sports and like you just had to, all your life is about winning. Do you want to do that? I do. I like it. Let's start. We're Hannah's father. Please call me. No, he will call you in a second. Also, doesn't I have a very competitive volleyball league right now that you would be great on too? Yeah. Look at me just trying to get you in all the games. Because you could spike it. Can I train privately so no one laughs? No, for sure we're going to train you before it. We want to throw you

into the beast. Does we'll give you like a whole workout routine. We're going to get you one-on-one lessons. You'll be the new protege of the beach. I honestly am so into this. No, literally. Like I watch Top Gun a lot and I love that scene. So I'm ready. It's like that but a bunch of like old men in West Hampton

is what we're doing with. A bunch of like men trying to get away from their families and me. I have very little hands. Uh-huh. See, my family, yeah, I have tiny little hands. I think your father loves me more now. No, I'm, like, jealous of you because I know my dad would be obsessed with you.

Yeah. And his thing is he always wanted to be basketball player, but he was like 5-11 with small hands. And you just, no matter how much you love the game, it's not, you're not going pro. I never thought about the hands so much. So whenever he sees someone who, like, is genetically gifted, he's like, you got to do it. Genetically gifted. Did you hear that?

Genetically gifted. Yeah. And then there's apparently like a wing span, like, hands, like arms to body ratio. Oh my God. I can't talk about this, but it's in my special. Okay. Oh my God. My wingspan.

Her special will be coming out. Keep an eye out for it. And you're filming it. What day? Monday, June 26. At the comedy seller. Yes. 8 p.m. and 10 p.m.

Yes. Go to the 10. Go to the 10. Come on. Late party, people. The 10 will be rowdy. I know it will. You were telling me you've been in the game for a very long time, not basketball game.

in the comedy game. Why is now the time for a special? You did do the vertically obese one. That was an album. I've done two albums. Thank you for knowing that. I thought it was a great name. Thank you.

Yeah. Vertically obese and dance like you don't need the money. Those were my two albums. But I didn't video. I didn't make a special out of them. I just did albums because it was during COVID, the second one. And I was like, just put that on serious.

I don't need a video. Yeah. How did you pick one material to put into those versus this special. This one's really dark, so I've done like... You're like, this one's disturbing. This one's disturbing. It is.

There are some jokes that are very disturbing, which I love. Yes, I love. Because I couldn't do them on like Letterman or Fallon. Like all of those late nights, those jokes aren't in there. And I love those jokes. They're just like clean. But these are more like sometimes that I get, ooh, ah, you know? Yes.

But I like that. Yeah, someone just farts. They don't know how to feel. Yeah. There's strange noises coming from the crowd. It's like, okay, so my dentist is coming with his wife, and he's, I think he's in his 50s, and I'm like, it's like almost like, oh, should you come? It's like that disturbing.

But I love that. That's the thrill. And you have to love getting weird reactions from people. Like, that's the best part of it, I feel like. I do, but then on my taping, I don't know, because I, I, you know, like, to me, what bothers me the most is seeing someone I know in the audience. Yeah. Like I've done that.

And they always sit in the front always. I know. And I told everyone, please don't sit in the front. And then every once in a while you'll get like, and I'm like, I told you. You know. You're like in a mid like really sick, sick bit about like how you want to die. And then they're like, hi. Or why did you wear that yellow shirt?

I can see it. And it's so. No, that happened to me this week. And I like invited some people who I did a podcast with and I walk on. stage and they're the first people right there lights on them and they're just sitting there like this and they think it's fun they're like hi no let's talk later let's get together and then they're trying to have like inside jokes with you doing it like they wouldn't get it but we would i'm like no no i need a focus on the room i need strangers in the front yes and everyone i know in the back

who you want to disturb like you want to disturb those people yes i don't even want i i mean i told the guys who were shooting it to just keep the room kind of dark yes just because I don't need that much. Like, I should be wearing glasses, but I'm purposely not because I don't want to see your face. Wait, that is so funny. Not your face, their face. I know that is so.

Like, I want blur. That's really good. But then when it's too dark, I feel like I'm talking to the abyss. I hate that. I feel like a full maniac, just like, what's the deal with dating? Anyone?

Is there anyone in the world? Is anyone listening? Am I alone again? People don't know the art of like the lighting. Every now and then you'll play a venue that's like for music or something else and you'll go out and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I need it darker. And then you go out and I'm like, too dark. And they think you're crazy.

Yes. And I'm like, I can't explain what the lighting is, but just find it. They're like, they think you're a diva. Yes. You know? Yes. But yeah, it's like, and I want it really cold because I'm a sweater. I'm sweating right now.

Yeah, it's hard to be like big. You know what I mean? Tall. Like you just feel like, I don't know. That sounds like, but I mean. You're closer to the sun. I'm closer to the sun. Yes.

I will melt first. Heat rises. Yes. So I'm like if the heater, not the heater, but if the air conditioner is on high, I'll be fine. Like, just keep it cold. You've also done, like, so many late night appearances, which is very, very, very cool. Do you get super nervous before them? Or, like, do you remember your first one?

Yes. My first one was Letterman. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, I couldn't believe I was there. But it's such a well-oiled machine. Like, all you have to do. And I would call everyone who'd done a letterman. And I'm like, what do I have to do?

And they're like, you don't have to do anything. Like, everything is done for you. Yeah. Just know your five minutes. Yeah. But see, that's the part that never made me too nervous is I was like, no matter what happens, in four minutes and 45 seconds, I will be gone. I will be out of here.

It's like, because I'm doing my Spanish special in Barcelona, I'm like, if this sucks, I can leave the country. And no one will care, you know? Four minutes. I've pooped longer than four. It's like, it's not a thing. It's so quick. So that saved me.

And then you have your hair person, makeup person. Stand on the tape. Don't move until Dave comes by. And then you see Letterman next to you. And you're just like, I remember I was so into my set that I forgot about him coming. So when I saw him, it looked like we were at a party and I didn't know he was showing up. I was like, thank you, everyone. Hey!

But people don't talk about how. a lot of comics, you're just doing clubs, nonstop clubs, and worse than clubs, bars and basements. And then one day you get selected to be on a national television show with like all the glitz and glam. And I feel like some people, it's like impossible to handle that moment, but you figure it out. Well, it's, it's so weird because I was at the comic strip and this was like 2012. So this was what, 10 years ago? It's 11 years ago. I was at the comic strip. And I was just like, I remember I didn't feel very good. I had allergies or something was going on.

And I was like, fuck this. And I'm like, I'm just going to do my set and go home. And the next day, I got an email that was like, we saw you at the comic strip. Wait, so you didn't get discovered at the mall. You got discovered at the comic show. Yeah. I love it. And I was like, oh, my God.

I immediately was like, what jokes did I do? They were horrible, you know? But they were there. I remember because Ted Alexander was doing Letterman, like, in the next, you know how they like follow you the night a few nights before got it so they were there just to see his five minutes and i just happened to be right on right before him so they just sat down some of my best sets are when i'm tired or hung over just don't give a shit but i don't even think it was a good sense i think i talked about my dad's testicles and stuff like it wasn't all the jokes i did that night none of those

got on letterman like i don't know what they saw but they were like we should get her they go i like the ratio of her arm length to her body length. I think this could work on TV. She doesn't play basketball. But I love that story. That's so exciting. It's a nice story. I like it.

And then when I read the email the next day, like we saw you last night of the trip, I was bawling. Because you never hear about like those random connections. And I was like, you want me? Oh my God. Like it just felt like so much love. Well, yeah, because it's such a like you versus the world type. thing and for someone to come back and be like hey you've been giving all this time and we want to

give you something you're like me yes i've just been like bombing in basements me oh my god and then oh my god and then hurricane whatever the hurricane was sandy sandy that year in 2012 um they called me like the it had just happened oh my god and you know we'd already worked out the five minutes and i just needed i was waiting for a date you know know i hadn't even bought a dress or anything but it was i was like getting ready to you know and i get a phone call and they're like can you do it tonight like and i was like excuse me what uh and they're like yeah the person we're supposed to um get tonight we haven't heard because the phones were all messed up from the hurricane and um and i was like i mean how do you say no but i was like i love to

but i just want to let you know i have no clothes i didn't even buy a dress yet I don't have anything and they're like we have stuff in wardrobe and I was like I'm so tall I'm gonna wear like floods and yeah like the craziest outfit yeah and it's like I don't want to say no yeah so I was like okay oh and I was like please find that person and then they found the person it was Michael Chey he went on right before me so thank God because you would have had to look like you're wearing baby clothes yeah one time I did this Latina show years ago and they uh i wore jeans and they were like can you wear you know a little something more latina and i was so new i was like scared to say no i wasn't like you know brave and they brought me into

the wardrobe and they found this yellow bright yellow dress no yes and they put me in it i look like big bird and they were like but it was like roughly it was like i just needed castanets and like you know and just started dancing maracas and like fruit on my head or something and i remember I remember Shaila Rivera, she's a Latina comedian, she came in and she goes, oh, no. That is not you. Get your jeans on. She is not wearing this. And I always bring that up to her.

I was like, you saved me because I just didn't know what to say. Yeah, I remember when I first started doing stuff like in the public eye, I got my makeup done for the first time. And I looked like a real housewife, but like after like three divorces. And I remember looking in the mirror at being like, this is not how I was. want people to see me. This isn't me. And you're about to go out and have all these people see you. And I remember telling my friend, I was like, there's too much eye shadow. And she didn't realize that I wanted her to be like, yes, there is. And she was like, no, it looks good. And I'm

like, no, but it doesn't. And we were like fighting, but not fighting. And I was like, can you just tell the makeup artist to take some off? Because I did not have the balls. When you first start, it's so scary. To this day, I barely have the balls. I know. I hate conflict. I did a screening for the daily show years ago for one of the correspondence. And I was like an idiot. I didn't plan. So I was like, I'll do my own makeup. And that day I go, you're not going to do your own makeup for a, like a camera screening. So I couldn't find anyone. So I went to Mac. And the guy put so many lashes on my, that I could see them during the audition. I was like, this is Carmen Lynch. And I couldn't

stop thinking about, I don't even want to know what they thought. They couldn't even open your eyelids. Yeah, they're like, I want to be a correspondent. You actually kind of have a good news reporter voice, I feel like. Thank you. Hello, we're here with Hannah. To mass generalize and stereotype, what do you think of the Barcelona crowd versus the New York

crowd? Like, okay, because there's New York Latinos. True. And there's New York English speaking. Yes. So. Let's do them all. Let's do them all. Yeah, throw them all in. Okay. Well, New York City

American comedy is, I love it because there's just a mix of somebody likes dark humor this person is whatever it's silly like there's just everything um i love latino audience spanish latino like spanish speaking latinos in new york because if i don't remember a word you know i'll be like what's hiking and they're like everybody from a different country if you're columbian you say this if you're Costa Rican or Mexican, you say this. So it becomes this, like, crowd conversation, and it's really fun. It's Spanish town hall meeting.

Totally. Grazie, and then I always pick the easiest one. I'm like, I don't know what you said, but I'm going to say what you said. And then Spanish, Barcelona is great, and Madrid is great. I find that they're a little more, like, classy. Classy without taking away from the Latinos, but, like, they're more like they're, it's like a feat like I just did a performance in a like a puppet show they're like oh my god that was creative you know I've never been to Barcelona or Madrid I want to go so bad yeah but I feel like

like people from Spain are very like regal and historic I grew up watching Rafael Nadal oh my god I love him to me he's like a superhero and I just feel like it's like the Spaniards are coming and it's like every guy looks like Raphael Nadal doesn't it annoy you how much he picks his butt do you watch his tennis? So as a tennis player we are all A insane and B there's a lot tics involved So it's an OCD tick Like he doesn't actually have a wedgy

But it's so funny you're like he's not going to do it He did it again. He did it again. He just did it again Because he does that thing with the ball Bounce, bounce hair hair Pick Picket butt And it's such a little quirky guy And then he has to put his water bottles In the same place whenever he sits down

Like if one of it moves you'll see him like Like analyzing where it sits But it's, it's like, your only job is to, like, win the point, you try to, and you can't control it. You try to control everything around you. Yeah. Like, you think, like, that's true for comedians? Like, if I'm, like, I'm going to put my water on the stool over here. I feel like comics, I don't know that many comics being that.

I mean, I know all the men wear the same sweatshirt every day, but I think it's because they just, they just don't care. They don't care. And they don't have any other options. Because, like, if they could, they would not, but they don't know any better. I definitely used to have. Like, I have to pee beforehand. Always, like three times? Yes.

Yeah. And that's why I hate green rooms. We're like... Oh my God. I know what you're going to say. Like the green room is like the bathroom's like on the couch of the green room and there's there's no in between. So you have like two male openers and you're like I'm just going to go like I have blood

coming out. I have shit coming out. I have who knows what's coming out of my body and I'm just like one sec guys, sorry. This time it's just I just got to blow my nose. I'm just blowing my nose. Hold on. I missed something. And then you have like everything going to like stop the sense.

I always have to poo before. A nervous poop, I call it. It's a nervous poop just to get it out. Yeah. But it never all comes out at once. So one time I was overseas and it was these two guy comics and they're like, you shit three times before every show. And I'm like, no, it's the same shit. It's just in three parts because I'm, I just.

It was a beginning, middle, and I can't get it all out. And you guys should stop counting and leave the room. I know. I'm like, focus on your set. Yeah. Focus on your 10 minutes. You also were in the documentary hysterical that I really, really enjoyed. Oh, good.

I went not. Jessica Cerson's amazing. I loved it so much to the point that like when my husband does came home, I was like, interesting. A male comedian in my house right now. Like I was so pumped up after. But it's true, you've been doing comedy for so long where like you've had to deal with being in the male dominated space. why do you think you were able to excel slash survive i survive she's a survivor i'm a survivor i'm a

hero she's a hero um well it's so funny because like there's so much so much has changed yeah and it's weird because you know back then in 1965 when i started you know it was just you go out and you do shows and you would have to flyer which is like handing out to your friends your fans barking, the barking, or you'd bring people. And now it's like you just posted on Instagram and it's like, not fair that you know, you don't have to stand out there. Yeah. And so that's different. And then you always kind of waited for someone to discover you. Yes. Like the Letterman story or like, oh my God, maybe I'll get that HBO special. You have to be a pick me girl. Yeah. You want to be picked. And now it's like you do it all yourself. So I think that's one of the reasons it's

taken me forever because it's like a different mindset where I'm like oh shit I got to do it oh yeah you're waiting for like someone to choose you for an audition or someone yeah but but now you're fucking doing it I'm doing it special you're doing it oh my god you're putting it out and you're gonna have so many good clips after you post yes I hope so so I'm gonna I'm gonna need a clip person because now I just do it myself it's a whole it's a whole thing yeah but things yeah things definitely have evolved have you had what's like your worst horror story being a female on the road. Oh, my God.

I just think of days when we have our periods. Isn't it the worst? I literally have it today. It's the worst. I just finished it. And I'm like, it's exhausting. Yeah. And you don't want to perform.

Well, people were talking about, if you can look at your period and your whole menstrual cycle in a way where we're like, we're like superheroes for a week. Like, we're actually really great for a week. Like, we should tackle everything that one week of the month. During the. Not during, no, there's a week in, like, the whole four-week cycle. Okay. That, like, everything, hormones, everything is to go.

Like, we are incredible. Okay. And then I think the other three, it's really bad. But it's so true, because I would watch, like, tennis tournaments, like, a lot of the girls will just have their period. They'll be like, why is she playing so bad? I'm like, she's fucking bleeding from the inside out. It's horrifying. Internal bleeding's happening.

But, yeah, like, I had six shows in Oklahoma City with my period this last weekend. and I'm a hero. And I mean, that's a lot of shows. I know. Like, it's so funny because my special is Monday, June 26, and I got my period last week. And I was like, thank God. I didn't get it on my special. I'd be like, can you get the wheelchair?

I'm exhausted. And then I found out, hi, this is so gross. Can I say it? Yes, please. I'm bleeding so much that I'm anemic. See, why would God ever make that possible? That's so gross. I can't believe I said that, but it was so funny because my doctor was like, your iron is really low.

And so I have to take these, like, iron pills during my period because I'm just like, I'm like, I'm somebody, there's a vampire that's sucking all of it out of me. And he, oh, he goes, eat more steak. I'm like, thank you. I'm so excited. He's like, just bite a cow in the asshole and you will feel so much better. Every month, eat a whole cow. don't you notice though when you walk into a green room like there's rarely any mirrors there's no tampons anywhere and they're or they're the really horrible ones i hate the ones with the cardboard applicator yeah you might as well just stab yourself yeah those hurt they always go in at the wrong angle and you're like do i keep it in like this no because then they bleed from the side yeah have you ever bled in public yeah i bled on an airplane oh no i was like 14 and i still didn't like learn how to do things right yeah mine was like 15 and i remember i stole my sister's shorts

because they were so cute and i bled all over it was karma on the plane they were peach colored with a big red circle when did you know when i got you sometimes when you get up and it's like no like i got up off the place because i fell asleep and my mother was um i think there were like two people so i was at the window then it was my mother and then it was some guy and he wouldn't fucking move and I'm like I had to jump over him run to the bathroom and I look down and there's this bright red circle on my crotch and the only thing that got me through it was you don't live in this it was the same thing you don't live in this country you're going to Spain and you'll never see these people again also red is the Spanish color I am putting my flag on my crotch

I've been doing this new thing and I don't know if it's just because I'm tired where I will like will my period, I'll try to will my period to be over. Yeah. Like, I'm like, I'm done wearing tampons. And I'll keep bleeding, but I just will be like, I'm done wearing tampons. I call it like the pull out the tampon and pray method, where you're just like, please stop. How is that going?

It's not going well, but you know, if you sit for a long time, it like, what's the word? It, like, coagulates, so it almost creates its own. Ew, like a dam. Yes, a dam of, like, goopy blood. Yes, this is the best cover. I hope guys are listening. Hi. Oh, my God.

Oh, guys love this shit. They're turned on right now. Does this happen to you? It's been happening to me. It'll skip a day. So, like, it's completely, you're like, it's over. It's over. It's over.

And then it comes back with a vengeance. And I deal with it, like, rain. Like, you know, when you're like, I'm just not, if I don't bring an umbrella, it won't rain. Like, I know what kind of psycho. I never bring an umbrella, so I understand. Yeah, I'm like, if then I'm, like, supporting the rain. And I'm like, I don't believe in this rain.

The rain's not going to be here. I think manifestation works wrong for me Because I'm like if I just don't try And it's like, no, the world's just gonna rain on you I do that to like make it come I was like today it's coming today And then I Google all the things you're supposed to drink Like pineapple juice and cucumbers and cayenne pepper

And vinegar and all that Oh God And then I do it and it ever comes I feel like shit all the time And then the one time my period comes I'm like finally excuse why I felt like shit Totally and I don't you use that on death Like, I'm always like, my boyfriend's like, are you on your period?

And I'm like, yes! He's like, all right, you're forgiven for acting like a bitch. I will get like very in my head. Like, I'll start being all like, what's the meaning of this? And why are we here? Like, I get like overthinking. Yeah. So Des will be like, every now and then there'll be a moment that I'm upset about something.

They'll be like, are you on your period? And I'm like, no. And he's like, check the date. And I'm like, and I'm not one to be like, don't tell me a PMSing because I fully PMS. Yeah. But every now and then, I'm like, it's like 10 days to my period. I don't think I'm PMSing. And he's like, I think you're PMSing.

And I'm like, okay, I'm PMSing. So I'll just lean in. I can PMS all month. I mean, who cares? Yeah, I'll PMS all month too. Do you get needy? I get like, hold me. I get so annoyed.

I'm not like self-aware enough. I feel like I should write it down what I do because all I know is occasionally he's just like, who am I talking to on the phone right now? And I'm like, I don't know. Call me in six days. But I do think it's a, it's prevented breakups because you just have to be like, This isn't me. This is like PMS thing.

I say girls just get bangs when it gets really bad. So you have a boy toy. I do, a seven-year boy toy. Yeah, you've been to you for a while. What does he do? He writes for animation. He writes cartoons. A creative king.

Yes, he writes for a lot of late nights. He wrote for Craig Ferguson a long time. He wrote for the Spirit Awards with Aubrey Plaza. Fun. That's how he got his Emmy. He was very excited. The one year. the Emmy was uh during it was during COVID the one year it wasn't like a party and I was like

yes oh wait we're not going anywhere you're like can you do that again like during a better year do you like being with a creative artsy guys it's great that like he gets it yeah well you know how it is yeah you know when someone gets it because then it's like no matter what like right now with the with the special I'm like psycho and I'm like leave me alone I need this room you know and he's like, you know what? Like, he just does everything I say right now. I didn't even ask to go to Desa's special taping. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, I just knew. Like, we had an understanding. Like, my parents wet, my friends wet. I was just like, I don't. Oh, he doesn't want you to go? It's more like, if I wanted to go, he'd let me go. Yeah, yeah. But I was like, I don't need to

complicate any situation you have by you worrying about if I'm having fun or what I'm doing or fine and I'm like and I don't want to be the brunt of any like if you're upset about if anything happened I don't want to be that go like talk to someone else so I totally understand that I'm just like I want you to he doesn't need me like let's go babe like he's been doing this alone for a long time that's true he has been doing it a long time he's very old no but he's because he gets it that I did out of respect for him like people like oh you don't support him and he's like no like she gets me but also like you support him by doing what he would want exactly yeah he actually i love watching him perform he can't watch me perform why he gets he said he doesn't like watching stand-up of people

he cares about interesting and like he went to like one of my shows and everyone's laughing and his head is in his hands and he's just like so nervous once he lit me oh he was like stage mom like lighting me he was like leave him wanting more he's pacing and he's pacing and the back. I was like, can someone give him Xanax and just tell him to chill out? It's because he cares. If I could say that the Village Underground for my special was going to be filled by no one I knew,

I would be 100% okay with that. Yes. Because I don't mind watching friends, but I don't like friends watching me. There's something about like our people just like and not knowing what they're thinking. I know I need to let that go. I think we've also convinced ourselves that certain people you have to impress and it doesn't matter like how good they are comedy maybe i'll convince myself that one person saw me do like kind of a bad set and with the rest of my life i'm like i have

to impress right with the next set like i'll be like oh yeah that person i need to get them to like me and it's like they they might have already liked you yes or they'll see you and then be like i love your jokes and then this comes out really like there's no self-esteem like it's it's crazy i'll be like you do what is wrong with you how do you like my stuff You've terrible taste. Yeah. I expected more from you. It's so weird.

But, yeah. In the comedy, occasionally I'll see someone like watching from the side and you're like, not him. Oh, I hate that. And then you, I can't let go of that. Well, and then you're like, I was supposed to use this set to work on stuff, but now I've got to bring out the classics. I know. Or like, you'll see them and then you'll do this thing where like you're looking in the audience

and then you just skip this area. Yeah. And then you're like, hi everyone. How are you doing? Ignoring this part right here because I'm looking at your face. I didn't realize. before I started stand-up, how aware the stand-ups are of the crowd. Like, I always thought that it was just like, they're doing their jokes and we're lucky to be here.

But instead, like, stand-ups are so insane where they not only, they have to give an adjective to the crowd, they explain, like, how smart they are, how funny they are, how calm they are, how drunk they are. Like, they analyze everything about the club. And then the comics have to tell each other, do we agree over the audience? Yes. No, it is. It's like they're participants. They're part of the thing.

especially now with all these clips with like what is that called crowdwork and now everyone's like really looking at the audience like you're going to be in my clip and then they don't perform you're like give me something better come on and the guy's

like I'm just trying to have a relaxing day heckle so I can go viral throw a beer at me I'll take it I'll hit it come on for the phase oh my god but then of course for the taping you're like please everyone behave everyone shut the fuck out yes I spent a lot of money on this and I hate if there's like one weird laugh you know where they're like ha ha ha and I'm like you're ruining my special you're making my special about you yes it's not about

you but I always call like it's good to have an alpha laugher uh-huh the alpha laughers like a main person yeah who like laughs so much to get everyone else to be like a good laugh a good hearty alpha laugher we love for something like shooting a special do you have like a mental way of like staying calm and being at the top of your game. No. But I feel like no, it's like we said no comics do. Like we're just winging it.

I pick my ass like Rafa Natal. Yeah. And then I touch my hair. No, I'm already feeling, it's five days away. Yeah. And I'm already feeling this like voice that's like, it's coming.

Are you ready? And I'm like, I've looked at everything a million times, you know? Like my biggest fears are always like, I'm going to forget my jokes up there. And I'm just going to be like. Yeah, that's actually mine. Because that happened to me when I,

when I first started and I literally and I was new and I was a bringer but I was still like yeah you know and it's it was so scary my I don't get nervous about being funny I get nervous about like blanking on a joke but that's just an anxiety thought because it's literally like you know when you have to tell a story you always know the story yeah and even if you do blank on something like you oh I remember my JFL my second JFL edition I blanked on the first joke like it was It was the beginning of the premise of the joke, and I just couldn't remember, like, this word, and I, like, made up a word that made no sense, and they just kept going. So, like, you always figure it out.

You do. And sometimes, like, it's even funnier when you fumble. Yeah. Or, like, you'll forget a tag, and you're like, how can I fit that back in? And then the whole rest of the set, you're like, when can we put it? When can we put it? But then you're not focusing on the joke, because you're still, your brain, it literally splits. It's going like, well, when are you going to put that in?

And then you're still talking about the joke. and it's so weird. Or when randomly remember you forgot a whole joke and you're like, let's put this one in. But then it's like the audience didn't care. It's not going to affect their performance at all, but in your crazy head. How has your comedy evolved in terms of like

the story you're telling over the last decade? Oh my theme in life. I have a theme. No, I think I've just gotten darker and more open about things. like um and more awkward oh i love that it's it's like more fun for me that's why that's why when i see like regular respectable people like my dentist coming with his wife i go oh my god i'm like i just got my cleaning yesterday so i don't have to go back in for six months because i don't

want to see him hopefully in six months he'll forget like about what i talk about because they're There are very personal things in there. Sometimes it's like if there's people coming that you're nervous about, you almost want all the people you're nervous about to come because then they like, you don't even know who to focus on. Exactly. Yeah. But if it was just your dentist, I feel like you'd obsess.

No, I know. And I want them all in the back. I keep telling them that. And some of them are taking it personally. And I'm like, I tell everyone that. Yeah. I feel like that's how I deal with life's traumas. When something really bad happens, I'm like, the only way I'm ever going to get over this

is to have a new, even worse trauma happened to me. That's why people cut themselves. Is that too dark? No, not at all. Oh, because that's what I heard. I'm like, well, that kind of makes sense where I'm like, you hate something and you're like, well, what about that? How does that feel?

Because it's like, it reminds you that like there's so much more pain to be had. Yes. And why are we making this like it's the end of the world? Right. There's much more to hurt. Yeah. How's your depression and anxiety? My anxiety's gone up.

This is what happened. During COVID, I got very depressed. Mm-hmm. And even right after. after COVID. And what I realized was that all my goals that I ever had, they just went out the window because COVID made me very comfortable and domestic. I cooked and I relaxed. I actually cooked a little too. Don't tell anyone. Yeah. And I got plants. I was like, I'm aging 25 years. Like I became a housewife and it was so fun. And then when things came back, I was like,

I'm depressed. I can't get back into comedy. And I was like, am I going to have to like work at Target? Because I don't feel excited. And then when I signed up, this is what happened. I was like, I'll do a special in Spanish. And there was a voice that was like, why are you doing it in English? And I'm like, oh, because in Spanish, it doesn't matter by bomb because I can just leave the country. And then my friend was like, why don't you do both? And I was like, well, that's inspiring and hard work. And so then I...

And it's the same material? No, it's about 50% overlap. Cool. And then when I decided to do the specials, all the different. Depression went away, but all this anxiety came in. Yeah. And what I learned is anxiety is way better because at least you have a goal. Depression, you're just like, yeah.

And anxiety, you're like, well, I should start. Yeah. You know? At least you feel kind of alive. Yes, you feel alive. Like to even be worried about something means there's hope. Yes. And also, I don't sleep anymore because I'm like, I've got to work on my special, you know?

But the special is hard because I'm on those people too. Like, I eventually want to shoot a special. And there's a lot of arguments where, like, A, there's no rush, but B, it's like, it can always be better. Yes. So it's like, okay, it's wait another six months. Okay, it's wait another six months. That's the problem. And I'm like, at one point, do I stop trying to, like, write new shit or, like, tag stuff up and just, like, let this be?

I'm still writing tags for the special. And I'm like, stop. No, I do think that's with creativity. It's like, there's no such thing as A perfection and B, like, it's, it just has to be. It just has to be. You just have to let it be and you have to love it. And do you ever notice, like, no matter what happens that day, whether I had, like, a shitty therapy session or I got my period or someone broke up with me, as long as I, like, I'm just going to go up there and have fun. Yes.

It doesn't really matter what you say. It's like if you're, like, making yourself laugh. Yeah. I mean, not actually hysterically laugh on stage, but like if you're getting a kick out of it. I'm just like, that was fucking good. That was a good one. You guys, that was like my best joke. Once I got drunk on stage, which I never do.

I never drink before. Oh my God, the worst. Some people, I've seen comics blackout and just like murder. Yeah. And I'm like, you're way funny or blackout. Where me, the second I get drunk, I start laughing about what I'm about to say. I'm like, this is so funny. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I just laughed the entire time at myself. Not one thing came out. And no one's laughing. No one's laughing but me. And your timing is off, right? Yeah, you're like, you like, yeah, because you just start. Rambling instead of them being any, like, rhythm. Like, I forget they're even there.

And I'm like, you know that thing, Carmen? Oh, my God. Oh, hi. I'm not a witty drunk. I just want to, like, shake my ass in a corner. I get quiet when I'm drunk. You do? Yeah, because I'm like, I shouldn't be talking in this state.

I'm not going to say anything worthwhile. I always worried when I first started seeing. Because I never followed standup. It was an accident. Like, I moved to New York to pursue acting. And then I was like, what's this thing that's happening over here? And then I watched it. And I was like, oh, my God, I want to do this.

But then I was like, oh, my God, I'm going to become an alcoholic because I'm working at a bar every night. Yeah. So I was scared. Like, I was like, because I thought about my family, how I told you alcoholic families. And I was like, stay away from the bar. Yeah. So you don't drink?

So I drink a little bit, but I used to drink a lot. I used to drink a lot. And I would black out. It's not so much that I drank a ton. It's that when I drank, I would literally weigh. up like in my coat and I was like what happened last night and for comics it's hard because it's like oh you blacked out at a work event because every night is a work event oh yeah no I didn't drink during not during no but before stand up like I would go to all these clubs and everything I remember

one time I woke up New Year's day and I was wearing a long gown and my makeup was like and I had my coat on and there were messages because they were answering machines back then because I'm old yeah And it was like beeping. And one of the messages was my friend, she's not with this guy anymore, but she came up from Virginia, because that's where I grew up. She came up from Virginia. And her boyfriend's like, where the fuck is my girlfriend? She's been crying all night. I think you left her.

And I guess I must have left this party and left her in New York City. And she didn't know how to get back. You were in Virginia? I was in New York City. And she came up from Virginia. Oh, okay. You didn't leave her and go back to Virginia. No, no.

I went back to my apartment in New York City. And I guess she cried all night. laundering the streets of Manhattan. And you just peacefully were in a deep blackout. I was in a deep blackout in my dress. Two friends from Virginia came up that year. One of them was crying on the streets. Yes.

The other one just got laid and had the best time. She was like, fuck, I don't care where you went. I'm going to go fuck this guy. Two types of girls. Two types of girls. Totally different. Life is not what happens to you. It's how you react to it.

Yes. It totally is. It's true. I also think I've had some of my best sleeps. When I'm like, I'm not taking these clothes off. Yeah. What's meant to be is meant to be. Yeah.

And we, I don't want to wake myself up having to unzip this dress. It's, it only sucks the next morning. Yeah. But yeah, that night, it's so great. And at the time, like, you're sleeping in sequence. There's no way that this is comfortable. And I'm like, I've never been more comfortable in my life. You're like, my makeup feels so good on.

I'm going to keep it on all night. Sometimes I hate taking my makeup off because I'm like, this is a work of art. Yeah. And now I have to take it off. And it's nothing. Have you ever the next day gone like, I still look good? And then you go get bagels in your night makeup. Yes.

And you, like, some people might think you look like a whore. You do look like a whore. But it looks kind of good. Or you like have a smoky eye you didn't have. Or you're like, this is natural. This is all natural. I don't do anything to it. I just did a stupid TikTok because there's this really ugly.

Oh my God, I saw that. It's so stupid, but people like this. But it was literally like me when I first wake up in a relationship, like you really really are like, like you might go in and put like a subtle mascara and just like, oh, like a little lip gloss, mm, you wake up. And now I'm like chucking my envisaline at

his face. I'm like, stop breathing at me. Also, your, your filter for that second one is so big. Like, you're like, hi! People are like, I like the second one because you were funny. I'm like, no, you didn't. No, you like my face because I'm funny looking. Yeah, I was

funny looking. Okay, we're going to play a final game. You're crushing hell. You're, like, weirdly comfortable in hell. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Oh, my God. These are real questions.

I'm greedy about chocolate. Ooh. What kind? What percent? Cacao. Oh, 70. Seventy. Antoxidants.

Antoxidants. Yeah. But not too much because then. Your skin is great, by the way. Thank you. Really nice. It must be the nice. I feel a little sweaty, but it feels good.

You're dewy. I'm doing. I have so many things I'm greedy about, and I can't think of any of them right now. Maybe coffee sometimes in the morning. My boyfriend and I fight for that first pot. Oh, nice. Yeah. How do you like your coffee?

Well, I only drink decaf because I get too anxious. I get jittery, too. I can't do it anymore. People get judge you when you order decaf. You do. ordered it at 8 a.m. one morning and I was like, can I get a decaf? And he goes, ew. And I was like, it has a little kick to it, right? It does. This is decaf and look at me. I'm doing fine. Good for you. Yeah, I'm like, sorry I don't want to bash my head through while and shit myself for

the next four hours. No, it's so, I get so anxious with regular. And then sometimes they mess up. And I'm like, I have to go, are you sure? And they're like, yes. And I know sometimes. You can taste it. The difference. Or it just hits you different. It hits me differently. Like half an hour or later, I'm like, oh my God, what's going on? We need to normalize the decaf girlies because, like, I'm not addicted to coffee. So, like, if I have a real crazy day, I'll be like, let's do some coffee and just, like, see where it takes me. Yeah.

But I want to normalize a decaf morning. I don't always want a chai latte. No, but what about those machas? I love those. Oh, I love a machete. That's also controversial. Some people say it tastes like dirt. I disagree.

If you put honey in it? If you put sugar in it, you're good. But the worst, though, is if, like, you're lactose intolerant and they mess up. Oh, my God. No, oat milk with matcha. Delicious. And that has caffeine. I will do caffeine for a matcha.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're so New York right now. I know. You're so down how you are. Who are you envious of? Oh, my God.

There's a list. That's what I'm trying to work on is, like, not be jealous. Comparison. Yeah, because they say jealousy is just you're not secure in yourself. Mm-hmm. And you know how you look. for outward things to make you feel good. Yeah.

Well, and you have to look inward, and it's so hard to just turn it. You're like, I want that, nope. My dad is jealous of you. My dad? My dad is jealous of you. Of what? My giant hands? Yes.

You know, tell him that I want to play. And I want to be on the volleyball team. No, okay, my dad has basketball league he plays in. We have volleyball. Like, we have it all set up. Okay. You could retire from comedy and become a full-time athlete out in Long Island. It's never too late.

oh my god that sounds so nice when i make the basket do you understand i never play and i make the basket pretty well pretty often do you like tell the kid like you talk trash to him no because i'm still trying to get him to like me oh yes i remember you doing jokes a while back about it's still the same how does he feel about you no he doesn't he doesn't hate me or whatever he just it's not like we're closer yeah you know and i mean i get it's not like he's not like Mommy and sucks your tits. Yeah. He has a mommy and he can do that with.

No, but like I'll play Fortnite with him and I'll do stuff with him. Can he tell you're like trying really hard to get you? I don't know, but my boyfriend can. I'll be like, don't tell him I said that. Make sure he knows that I cooked. You know, like sometimes when we play basketball, he'll pass me the ball more. And I'm like, I think he likes me more because I got the ball five times. If you miss the shot, he's like, what the fuck was that?

he starts passing you less and you're like no no no no it reminds me of a tic-tac where people i'm on tic-tac too much but they'll look at you'll look at like a kid or your little sister and be like we're best friends right and they go well i'm your best friend but you're not my best friend that's how i'm bitching your conversations back i'm so triggered by stuff like that because like growing up my sister i always felt like she got more attention so when i first he did my boyfriend. We were out in LA. We lived in L.A. So it was just us. And then when we moved to New York, where his son lives with his mother, there was more pulling. Like, now he's got his son. And I was like, am I still your favorite? And I'm like, you can't see that with a father or a mother because

their kid is. So I'm like, I'm like, I have to live knowing I'm second favorite. But I'm like, but he's my favorite. Yeah. You know? Nikki Glazer has that bit about how she wants to find a guy without a mom. So she'll always be the number one woman in his life. And does. has no parents but then he uses against me all the time like I'll be sad about something and he'll be like at least you have parents my friend does the opposite like I'll be like my parents are getting really sick and she's like that's why I'm glad mine are dead because I don't have to worry about it anymore and I'm like this is not helping me right now does well literally I was like so upset about my grandpa passing away rest in peace Jerry and Des just was like oh god your parents

it's going to be so bad and I'm like des like I'm not going to handle it but anyway I people love talk about death um they do they do they're very good with i mean my dad lynch lynch yes irish and he got your mom to move to in barcelona they met in barcelona and he got her to move to virginia got her to move to virginia uh years ago yeah after four dates they got married i know that's why and now you're in a seven-year relationship how does that make you feel but see that's why because i grew up no joke i grew up thinking like you can literally go out with someone four times Yeah. And you can fall in love.

Like, and you know it's right. Not that you can fall in because we can always follow love. But I mean that you know it's the one. The one. So I would go out with guys and I'm like, after 12 days, I was like, I still don't know. I must be an idiot. And it was so easy for them, you know, and that always got in my head. And I think their like connection just, I just get scared of merit.

I'm like, everything we have, we have what we need. Yes. Like we're living together. I don't need to get married. Yes. That's so funny because, yeah, my parents got engaged in four months. So in my head, if I was with a guy for a year, I'd be like, this is not it. Yeah, this isn't happened.

Like, you believe all of that. Oh, I fully believe the love story. Does and I got engaged in six months. Oh, wow. Yeah. But he also doesn't have that much time left. I like older guys, too. My guy's older.

He is. I know, yes. I love an older man. Me too. I tried the younger as I can. No, they have so much energy. Also, I felt old. And it wasn't even, like, I was that much older.

You'd make like a reference. I'd be like, yeah, do you know who Madonna is? I can't be with you. You're like a son I never had. I also just love older people in general. Like, I like my friends to be older. I like the guys to be older. I'm like a person that would hang out with like the parents and the parents' friends.

And my teachers, I always had crushes on my teachers growing up because I'm like, they're so smart. Yeah. Well, I like respect their brains. Yes. I want someone to teach me. It's like I want to be like the one. Like, help me. You know what?

That's true, because I feel like I'm so, like, in my own life, I'm so, like, I'm doing stuff. But then, like, with Des, I'm like, I'll listen to you. Yeah, I'm like, I know, no, no, it's happening. Help me. I'm so glad. Because I'm like, what is wrong with me? Daddy issues?

I'll be like, tell me about World War II. Oh, yes, I love that. He's so smart at history and politics. Sometimes I don't even watch the news. I go, just tell me. You tell me. And then you tell me. Anything going on.

I go, what's going on with that, like, submarine down. He goes, look. look, Google it. And I'm like, but I'd rather hear you explain it. Can you hold me while you explain it? If he ever doesn't know something, he's like, we Google it. I'm like, but you've known everything up to this point.

Why would I Google it when we could have a conversation? No, you're so, I love that he knows stuff. Yes, me too. I'm the same way. Because I also have this theory that if I know too much, I'll start forgetting stuff. Yeah. He's.

Like, there's too much in your brain? Like, I don't know why I think, like, for stuff to come in, so that's to get out. Because he knows three languages. He's really smart. Chinese, he knows Gaelic, which is an Irish native language, which is wild and English. Wow. And I'm like, I'm afraid if I learned another language, I would start forgetting English.

And he was like, no, it's just when you learned a third language, you can mess up the second one and the third. And I go, I don't think that's going to be a problem. Well, to answer your question, my sister has lived in Barcelona, Barcelona now for 25 years. and her English, it's so funny, it kind of sucks. That's so funny. Okay, I'm right. Because, but it's mostly because she lives out there. She's a Latia, but Alaria lives in New York City.

Like, kind of like how my Spanish has suffered, but it's come back for the special. So check it out, July 15th, and Barcelona. Well, Des lives in Chinatown to keep it. Oh my God, no, he doesn't. That's hilarious. Does he just go to the deli and talk to everyone? I don't know if he chose it specifically because of it, but we live in Lower East Side and he's like, we're so close to Chinatown, it's perfect.

like we'll get like he'll go to pedicures with me we'll get a massage he'll be at the markets like and anyone who he has like a whole way he goes because you can't just go to people being like are you Chinese please do that and they're like I'm Korean but he can like tell and then sometimes he'll speak to them yeah in Chinese and Mandarin and they'll respond in English because they haven't processed the language he's speaking in them because he's like blue-eyed big white guy right so it's very funny for me and then they'll look at me and speak to me. And then, and I don't know what's going on. And they'll speak to you in Chinese. Yeah. And I'm like, no, no, you know no say. And then they'll start for sure talking shit about me in Chinese. Like,

I'll hear my name. Yeah. Or they'll be looking at me. The best is when, I don't know if he's done this with the languages he knows, but to bust someone. Like I used, before stand up, I worked in a bank in Virginia. And I was the assistant manager, not the manager. So I only had like, I could only like authorize a check for a certain amount, like $2,000, right? So someone came up to me with like a $5,000 check. And I was like, I can't authorize this. I need to get the manager. Can you wait

one second? And she's like, but for favor? That she doesn't know who I'm going off. She's like, does she not know who I am? I come to this bank all the time. Who's this idiot? Who has to go check with the manager? You know, and I go, oh yeah, senora, I'm t'entiena,

Valé, that I'm new back. And she was like, ha. And it feels so good. See, that's why I want to know another language. I want to be sneaky.

I want to be, I want to know like a language people wouldn't think I know. Yes. It's fun, especially if you're tall, like they don't think you speak Spanish. Like,

nobody thinks I'm Spanish. And I told you, I'm white. Like, I cannot tan. Yeah, you don't look like you've been tanning in Barcelona. No. Wait, what's the deal with siestas?

Oh, they like, take naps. But that was like, I mean, they just have long lunch breaks. Yeah, like in Italy from like 11 to 5 p.m. No one's working. Yeah, there's like a lot of breaks. And then they do the late dinner. What is that called? They do the really late dinner. It's just a late dinner. I don't know what it's called. Like it's called late dinner. It's called late dinner. But that I'm always starving at like seven. And they're like, yeah, we eat at 11. What if Americans come and they're like, I'm doing intermittent fasting? I can't eat this late night. pork?

Yes, but it's... Yeah, and then they barely have breakfast. They'll just have a coffee. Yeah. Like, we have a giant breakfast. We'll have do brunch. But everything's like... I just love the European culture in general.

Yeah, it's fun. The food is insane. Oh, my God. I've heard the fish there. Like Alamaris? Yeah. Oh! Oh!

When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? I mean, these days it's like every day. Because I'm like, oh my God, are people coming to my show um oh my god it's it's it's it's almost like all the time but in snippets yeah yeah yeah so you're like always mad but have breaks i have breaks i have run to run things off that really helps i have to run things run it off yeah but i mean not not like a long time but like this morning like i have to just i have to run do you run outside yes i run outside i mean i can run in the gym, but it's this weather. I have to run outside. It feels good. I need to sweat.

I sweat my anger out. That's great. Yeah. And this makes me less angry decaf helps with the anger. It's almost a little bit of like adrenaline. It's almost like there's too much inside. And I used to take a lot of clonopin to like help with the panic attacks. The panic attacks, I think, was like inner anger. Cluster. I felt claustrophobic a lot. Like, yeah. And it's funny. I feel Like certain type of people with their anxiety get the panic attack side effect. Yeah. But now you feel better with the panic attacks. Well, because I've had so much therapy and I've learned to process like, this is not what you think it is, brain.

Yes. This is okay. Everything is okay. Yeah, this was years ago. So you don't let your brain play as many tricks on you now. No, but I can still be triggered. Yes. Like dating was insane because it was eye contact. Like, say we were on a date.

And you're right there and you're looking at me. That's too intense. So I would meet guys outside because it's less intense. There's people outside. I'd be like, let's meet in a park. So was it like a social anxiety? Social anxiety. Wow.

And I blame my back brace. Yeah. Because I think the brace kept me from like doing things for a long time. Yeah. I was like, I'm not going to go out because I'm wearing a back brace and I'm embarrassed. Yeah. And they say that your brain like doesn't really understand the why. They just know like, okay, we don't want to do any of.

those things it must be like serious danger yeah it doesn't know like you'll be fine you've like trained your brain to be like this is where you die well that's why when they say like therapy is rewiring yeah and you're like I can't be rewired and you can your brain is so malleable yeah it just takes a while did you ever have stage fright at the beginning I did but it's funny that was still it was very intense but you know how in comedy like it's you and then the audience is over there, and there's a lot of people, that was less scary than, like, one-on-one on a date. That makes sense. Because it was like, you know how you said one problem versus, like, many?

Yes, yes. You're like, I'm not going to process it. I'm like, it's okay. It's just a lot of people. That's so funny. Well, I actually, I feel more comfortable, you know, with a mic in a full room than like in a, like, four-person dinner. Exactly.

I don't know what to say. Exactly. Too intimate. I don't know when to talk. Yeah. I'm like, do I take the lead? Do I sit back? Is that person mad at me now?

Is that person mad at me? I know. That's why like the village underground compared to like this. I love the seller, the original seller, but there's always a little bit of that. It's going to be okay because it's so intimate. Yes. And I'm like, it's going to be okay. It's almost, yeah, like first date vibes.

Yes. You're like, can you guys look behind me? Can you push your chairs back like 10 feet? I appreciate it. That's fascinating. It's crazy. When was the last time you were a sloth? So like a very lazy day right before my special.

I would say honestly, all of COVID. Yeah. Like when I look back, I'm like, why didn't you do anything? But like, you didn't have to. I hated when people were like, Shakespeare wrote like a hamlet. I know. Or people would be like, I wrote three books and I, and at the end I started writing. So I did write 300 pages of a book.

I just have to read it. It's not ready. I just regurgitate it. I was like, fuck you, COVID. Everyone's doing shit. Yeah. I'm just going to write. And I wrote like 300 pages.

But most of it, I just spent. watching. I got really into American Ninja Warrior. So funny. I watched all the seasons of that because I think deep down I would love to do that. If your father wants to train me as a ninja, I mean, I'll fly out to where, where does he live, Staten Island, Long Island, South Island. Same thing. I'm going to get an Uber and I will go to the ninja gym. I love that show. You become a ninja? The tallest ninja woman we've ever had. It's so embarrassing. I'm like, I could do this. And then you watch, like, like professional gymnasts or whatever and they can't make it and you're like I could never do

this you need weird things like hand strength and like you have everything I don't have I'm going to start now I like that you go for the scariest most challenging things is that that's what you want to do yes yeah and you're good at being awkward so like you like if you face plant in something you're just like da da touch yeah it's like the falling in the water the jumping on a tire there's no like cool way to do There's no. When your legs are flailing, you can't look cool. Well, you know, there's certain people like me, like, we can't be cool. There's nothing I could do that would be like, she's so cool.

Like, nobody says that. Okay. When was the last time you lusted over someone? So not your boyfriend, but is there like a celebrity crush you have? Well, he knows this. But the guy, I think his name is Pedro Pascal. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I love him. us yes yes but you know it's funny i like him more in the last of us than who he really is in like interviews he's much more like friendly and sweet and like i don't know then i won't watch those very nice i don't know what he's like in real life no you want grumpy i want grumpy i love him oh he's great see we love a zaddy we love an older man what is a zaddy's like a hot older man oh is that daddy with a z yeah that's what i call des oh because he has a z in his name or? No, just he's a Zaddy. Oh, it's Gen X. Yeah, it's like a sexy older man who has like style and

swag. I love that. Yeah. I can't think like I love, I just love that age. Oh yeah. This is 47 and it's like, it's nice. Yeah, yeah. I try to recommend the girl as I say, don't date older guys in your early 20s. Figure your own self a little bit. Get your own like things you like and want to do with your life because you don't want the power dynamics to be too also older guys don't give a shit as much about certain things no like they're already broken on the inside and they're like yeah do whatever you want he doesn't have the energy for like jealousy or like petty fights yeah i'm like you're not jealous that i'm meeting so-and-so tonight for a show and it's like no i could care less you're like you're not jealous that his penis

was inside me and they're like what he's like i'm dead inside already so do whatever you want no i love it yeah and they yeah so they only have time things have to really matter for them to get upset or like to want to start a fight Yeah, like my boyfriend doesn't yell very much, but when he does, I find it so hot because he never yells. I'm like, where is this guy? Bring him out more. When he finds the energy to slam a door, you're like, ooh. I'm like, bring that guy out again. He's exciting. Just a little bit of toxic. Come on, it's getting naughty.

Final question. What advice would you give to the listeners on how you cope with your hell? When you're going through a dark time, how do you survive it? I love, I do journal a lot. That helps a lot. Meditation is hard. Hard. Because I can't focus on not focusing on anything. Yeah. Running. And I know people hate running. Yeah. But I'll just say sweating. And your knees are holding up. Yeah, except today it was hard. Thanks for bringing up my knee. I just know as a taller purse and your joints, I have more, if you run on like softer surfaces maybe. If you play tennis, you play on the clay.

Oh, okay. Clay is better. Oh, God, you're just like Rafa. Oh, no, I know. No wonder you love him. I love Rafa. Oh, my God. Clay courts.

Yeah, or swimming really gets the anger out. You're probably a good swimmer, too, because you have, like, that you're like, your. My giant hands. Your fins. There's parts of these things are all in my special. I'm not even kidding. And I can't even talk about them. But it's funny that you say that because I never swam on a team.

team and the other day I was in a pool at a hotel and the lifeguard was like your technique is good and I was like that is the best thing you could have said to me I just know if a shark was coming towards us I'd be dead because of the swimming because you'd be phew oh oh oh and I'd be just like doggy paddling with my little paws you'd be hanging onto my foot and I'd be like Hannah no unless you got your period then I'll get you oh yes my giant heavy periods they're like I know I have this one, but that one looks very juicy. I want the anemic one. She's bleeding all the time.

Carmen, thank you so much for coming to hell. You're amazing. So fun. Love chatting with you. Where can people follow you? Watch you. Go to your show. Give me all the deets.

Okay, once again, comedy seller, taping my special, Monday, June 26th, 8 o'clock and 10 o'clock. 8 o'clock is filling up really fast. So get those tens if you can. At Carmen Comedian for everything. Yes. For socials, for Venmo, if you feel like it. whatever you want. At Carmen Cahedian.

And if you're Spanish, at Carmen in Español, is my Spanish Instagram. Oh, I love it. And if you have Barcelona fans, Barcelona? Yeah, probably. My taping in Barcelona is July 15th. Wow. And it's in the bar where my parents met. Isn't that weird?

That was an accident. That was a coincidence? Yeah, because I asked some of the Spanish comics. I was like, what's a cute little room where I could bring in cameras and film it? And they're like jamboree. And I was like, are you talking about Jamboree in Plaza Real? And they were like, yeah, to go, oh, my God. That's where my parents met.

Wait, that's so beautiful. I love that. It's crazy. I love that. So, like, if they hadn't met in the bar, you wouldn't have been created to make that beautiful special. Oh, my God, that was full circle. Yeah, his semen and you're not, yeah, I didn't all.

And he didn't pull out or anything. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Anyway, guys, thank you so much for coming, and we'll talk later. Bye. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.