Berner Phone - Casey Balsham: How To Actually Make Babies & Be Inconcievable

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

For the first time ever, we discuss infertility on the pod. Casey Balsham is a hysterical comedian and "wannabe mom" who has been trying for 5 years to have a baby. She's tried everything and she explains everything you need to know about egg freezing, embryos, and IVF. She is still in the process of getting pregnant. Infertility affects one in eight women and no one talks about it... until now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning in Hell. Okay, guys, this is a very special episode of Burning in Hell, because I've covered a lot of fucked up shit. I've talked to a lot of fucked up people. And we have never covered fertility, infertility, we've never touched it. Not even a tip. Not even the tip. Just the tip. So this is going to be so fucking insightful and I couldn't pick a better person to do it.

We're with Casey Balsham. I'm obsessed with this comic. She's so fucking funny. The second I met you, I was like, I'm like you inspire me. Everything about you and you're a light. You also, we have like girls got to eat is obsessed with her. So I'm like, okay, they have an incredible taste. No pun intended.

She has a podcast, Shady Shady. shit. We love a curse in the title. She's an album out, son of a barb, which is hilarious. She says she bombs in group texts. I love that for you. I do. I'm terrible in group texts. I literally can only say ha ha ha, because I fuck. Are you like in your head about it? Yeah. I'm always the one that sends to something and then the conversation stops. And I was like, oh, well, meanwhile, my husband, this was literally in our vows. I was like, he like, he is the king of, like, every group text is like Robbie. Every single time he writes something, there's like, five. responses of like he kills in group text and it's infuriating and he's not a comic is no he is a comic he's okay yeah and it's infuriating you know what he must have a certain style or aesthetic yeah but it's funny with group text you're actually useful for group text because people don't want

an ongoing group text people should hire you to end the group text because i'm sick of these fucking bachelorette group tech notifications about nothing i'll be the group text cooler like you need me to come in and cool down the table cool it all i just come in with something fucking stupid and they're like all right this is done but you know it's fun i decided to come become a comic low key because i was like i'm like i'm pretty funny in group text it's inspiration strikes when where you least expect it you know where but you're right some group texts maybe just have bad energy for you i think you just haven't found the right group maybe yeah i need people that get me you know but i love that you stick to who you are and

you don't change for the group text i can't i wouldn't even know how and you have a You have a very exciting event coming up in your life. I do. Can you explain how, like, the project you're working on and the path that's been? Yes. I, um, and also, by the way, I love you too. I love, I love, I love, I've loved working with you when we're at Gotham and everything like that.

And so it's very fun to be here. Thank you. So I wrote, struggling with infertility. I have been for almost five years now, which is fucking insane. But I started telling jokes about it as a way to kind of cope with it. And then that became like a really nice. quarantine project to be like, hey, I don't think anybody has spoken about this with a funny tinge to it. Because like I was saying before, I feel like infertility is just tackled so

sad. And it's like a very hopeless place. Like when you go on the internet and everyone's like, you have to eat this and you can't do this. And you're just like, it's very hard to navigate your way through. So I started telling jokes about it because I needed to process it. And then that became this project of this kind of one woman show. Mainly, it's mainly comedy. Like I'm trying, Like, there's definitely parts where I talk from my heart, but it's supposed to be funny. And I made this show called Inconceivable. What a good title. It's, uh, and I, I love it.

Did you hit, did the title come to immediately? The title was first. Yes, I love when that happened. And then I was like, I got to do this. I was like, I've got to do this. I've got to do this. And everyone was like, absolutely, there's nobody, nobody tackling infertility funny. Like, it's starting to be talked about, like the tip of the iceberg.

Like, even on like, I think sex in the city, there was a. character going through IVF. But all they do is say going through IVF, like they don't actually get into fucking the ins and outs of it. And so I wrote this show and I've been doing the jokes on stage and I'm bringing it to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival for the first time. You guys don't know. It's in Scotland. I'm so excited. And yeah, you're going overseas, bitch. You're taking this international. I'm taking this, yeah, across state lines. We're really doing it. We're really doing it. Have you been to Scotland before? I've been to Edinburgh and it's beautiful and it's magical. And I can't wait to see it just filled with with crazy drunk people. I think it's a

going to be so fun. And I've told that you literally lose your mind because you do the, you do your hour every day for a month at the same time, at the same venue. So you like literally I ran into a comic who I never met before, but he was, he's done fringe and he's like, bring medication. And I was like, awesome. Cool. And you're leaving like very soon for you. I leave on July 31st. So I leave two weeks in, well, yeah, a week from Sunday. And you also said you have some exciting news on the fertility front. I do. So the crazy part about is that I'm doing this show. Meanwhile, I am actually transferring one of our embryos on Monday the 25th. So, and after you transfer an embryo, you wait two weeks to see if you're pregnant.

So I will actually be taking my pregnancy test while I'm in Scotland doing this show. So it's really like a real time. I know. And I told my doctor, I was like, I just don't want to wait. And he's like, don't wait then. I was like, he's like, you can find a place over there to draw your blood. I have chills. I look at my chest.

I literally have chills. I'm, like, freaking out about this. Well, it's because this is a thing. With comedy, I feel like you'll get inspiration and you'll think of these great jokes and everyone loves them. And then, like, a year later, you're still doing them, but you don't love them anymore because, like, your life has evolved, you've changed. You are living your truth right now.

I'm in it. And you are so fucking, like, legs out, mention it all. A minute. About your life. But I do have to explain to you. Yes. I am a dumb dumb when it comes to fertility. dude we're not set up for it i don't know anything about it it's not your fault i've never had to

nope my mom popped me and my brother out she she just explains it took a couple hours she brags that she didn't have a take any drugs and i feel like a pussy-ass bitch if i take a drug yep um and that's literally all i know because here's the thing it's it's really and i touch on this a little bit in the show because i'm like truly and honestly they do not set us up for this as women they They throw a fucking Cosmo magazine at us, and all that teaches us how to, like, tie a silk scarf how to give a, it's all blowjob. Pretty bad at hand job. What is happening with my eggs?

How to giggle to make him like you. I know. How to make your fart smell better. And you're just like, what? This is unuseful information. So toxic. It's truly. But they don't, they don't set us up.

It's not like, it's not like somebody says, hey, at 20, at 30 years old, if you're not with a prospect and you think you want kids, go to a doctor and just go fuck just go go have them poke around go see what the eggs are like go see what the hormones are like just go check things out because you don't know and then when you start trying to have a baby you don't know what like there's so many things inside of our bodies you could have like polyps or fibroids you could have a septic like there's so many little things and you could be also totally fine you could just get drunk in Vegas and and fucking and get pregnant like no problem you're making feel a lot of emotions like there's a lot of emotions and i'm getting i'm getting like a severe like i want to punch a wall like an angry

white dude who just lost a football game. Because you don't know about this? Because they don't tell us? Because, like, I feel like every girl at a certain age should know that it's okay to go and just check your situation. They won't tell you. They won't do it for you. You have to ask for it. But it's so crazy because, for example, I know friends who their whole life, they think they're pregnant every month. They're afraid of getting pregnant. And then at, like, 32, they realize like, oh, I actually can't get pregnant or like, oh, my husband doesn't have whatever.

I don't know how to say it. But it's like we should know early on how to prepare for what is inevitable with our bodies. But it's like the second you decide I want a baby, then all this reality hits you. It's really, it's truly crazy because you do. You spend most of the time trying to prevent pregnancy because like so fucking scared. Like so hard. But that's also, that's also have been ingrained in us. It's like the minute we grow tits, people are like, don't get pregnant. Do you want to do anything else with your life? You can't if you're pregnant. Yeah, if you deep throat, you could get pregnant. It's true. Like, truly, honestly, yeah. I mean, I don't know if you guys, you remember this

from like when you guys had sex ed when you were younger, but that was a question that came up constantly. It was like, can you get pregnant from sucking a dick? It's like, all there was just, it was like pregnant. And then we're all thrown on birth control. And I don't think I personally, I was not educated about the kinds of birth. control to this day um what's the thing that they stick up in you the iud iud see there's too many acronyms too like i'm not i can't deal with it it's codes it's codes that we have not been informed we cannot crack them there's no i'm so bad with my birth control like i'm so chaotic i'll take like i'll miss a couple days i'll take five pills just like hope it works and i my mom was like

have you what about like an iud and i'm like i'm scared of that i don't know what it is my one friend told me like it was the most pain she's ever gone through i don't even know how i'd go about getting it and then I just don't and that's like I know I think I'm a good average girl who like doesn't like to do a lot of admin on my body and like it's just I'm not going to do it I get it so what when you were growing up did you want to be a mom since I was like 10 oh my god Kylie Jenner I look at you thank you we very much resemble each other as well she's also 40 um she looks like she's 40 I know truly and honestly when when I I was playing like naming kids games i was constantly making lists of names that i love like i was

naming my children since i was and because i was never somebody that thought about the wedding i never thought about the husband i didn't even know that that was like i knew that was part of it but i mainly was just like i'm gonna i want kids like i played barbies till i was 18 like i was very into being in control of other people i was like who can i tell what to do you guys and got your comic and you're like Like laugh, bitches. Exactly. It's all an orchestra.

Wow. Wow. It's all an orchestration. It's all coming together. I've just been a public master my whole life. But yeah, you want to like influence and inspire and like help someone grow. Yeah. So have you ever had any pregnancy scares when you were younger?

The thing is that I thought I did. Yeah. But now where I'm at, like sometimes I wonder because we've been trying since I was like 36. And after 35 is really when you, it goes rapid. so like between 30 and 35 there's still a little bit of a room to play with but you should still kind of know but after 35 it's it's there it's it's it we're rolling downhill what do you mean by rap you mean like like the eggs are killing them the eggs the quality and the numbers drop drastically at 35 it's so funny because our bodies and our um generation are so like the body still thinks

like she's not capable she's going to die at 45 she can't raise these children I'm like Like, can we change something to modern society? Especially because, yeah, women are waiting longer. And I don't know if this is, people were doing it back in the day. You know, people had issues, but I think people were just having children younger. I think that it was just kind of like the norm back in the day was like, oh, you get married at 23, 26. You have kids, all that stuff. And I'm like, man, when I was 23, there was, there were no prospects.

and also like making me a mother at 23. Are you kidding me? Like me, we would both be in a home. Nothing would be good right now for me or that kid. It's like, I feel at 40 now that I'm like, I get it. Like, and I've done shit with my life. And it's, I'm ready for this second chapter. But like, my God. And I'm not, you know, I have a lot of friends that had kids in their 20s, but it's just wild to think about that that. Their child brides. It's so, it's so normal. And I look at pictures of myself when I was 23. I'm like, I have baby fat, man. Like my eyebrows are fucked up. Like, I look, I don't look like a mob. Like, I just, I'm like, who would have given me a, like, I wouldn't have given me a baby in that time. Like, I get why things. But so. And also, I do feel like, whatever the universe throws at you, like, we will find a way to deal with it. But there's so many women who, you know, they'll be 26 and single. And they're stressing already about their timeline. Go on the bachelor. Have fun. Don't, you know, but like, but it's hard to be like, don't worry about it. Because then they're like, okay, I'm not going to meet someone. Let's say for two years. I meet someone. And if they're the wrong person, I'm with them for five years. And then if they're the wrong person, I'm with them for five years. and we break up, then I'm single of 32.

Like, you could think yourself into crazy shit, and it's all because of the timeline of her eggs. I know. That's why it's like, just go get them out. And I say this from a point knowing that that's not that cheap and not a lot of insurances take it or not a lot of insurances cover it. But if it's something in your life that you know you want, explore just taking the eggs out when you're younger. What does that entail taking the eggs out?

So, so taking, doing an egg retrieval process. So you have to go through, the process that I went through is they basically, they'll put you on kind of like, I've been to two different clinics who had different kind of approaches. There's kind of more of an old school and there's kind of like a more modern approach, which is what I'm doing now, which my body's responding to more. But basically you get put on like they go, you have to go by your natural cycles. So when you decide, okay, I'm going to do this. There is an insane thunderstorm happening, but I'm kind of obsessed with the drama of this moment. I know, I know. I was like, then you go to the doctors. I guess the humidity broke, Jesus.

I know, geez. So you kind of go in the cycle, so you have to get your period and you have to kind of then, they track the natural phases. And so at a certain point during the phase, and I forget, it might be right after you ovulator, in between period and ovulation, you go on a birth control. Like some will put you on like a harder one. I was on this other, a really light one. So because they want essentially all the eggs to be at the same starting point.

Because your eggs, like they kind of, during a cycle, there's some big, and, you know, ultimately, it's just the one that kind of is chosen and released to ovulate. And that's where the sperm is supposed to meet. So they want to kind of take all of your eggs and allow you to kind of gather them up. So they kind of stop them. So they put you on the pill. This is, I'm making a gate with my hands because that's what my doctor did. He made a gate. So in my head, it's just a gate.

It's a gate. The pill is a gate and all your eggs are just fucking like bull behind it. It's like the line to brunch at 12 o'clock on a. Sunday in New York City. Yes. All the girlies are ready to go. You're at Jack's Wife, Frida. You see the tables, but you can't get to them.

You're behind the fucking glass. So they do that. And then essentially after that, you take two different types of hormones. One, the fall of stem, I think, one of them is basically to kind of fatten them up, and one of them is to kind of get them all together, something like that. See, this thing is, like, I've done this four. I've done this four times. still don't even really like know all the ends and outs. But you in, you shoot needles with this

hormones. Okay, that's directly. Immediately that's when I'm like, it's not that bad. It's a, it's a diabetic needle. Okay. And you can't really feel it. One of the stuff, one of the medications, and I tell a whole joke about this, because it's synthetic urine, it burns. And it's like because there's like a hormone, this guy back in Italy years ago found out that there was a hormone in older women's urine. that could help younger women get pregnant. So he started like harvesting from these nuns because the older women couldn't be pregnant. So he was like, well, nuns don't get pregnant.

So he started harvesting urine with the Vatican's blessing. So the Pope was like, yeah, give the man the pee. Like nuns give it to him. So then he was injecting its urine and it was working. But then it just became unsustainable. He needed like 30,000 liters of urine a day from nuns. And so they just found a way to make it synthetic. So we still...

So when you say it's burning, it burns your insides? It just kind of like burns when it goes. goes in. Okay. Like this is, okay, this is your argument I just had with Robbie. I thought it was pretty well known that like pee burns. But like, and my friend was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And I'm like, was I just peeing on my feet a lot as a child and my feet were cut up? Like, how do I know that urine burns? Like, this is what I'm good. And I thought this was a very normal thing. And that every time I tell people, I'm like, you know how urine burns, everyone's like, what? What are you talking about? You have an STD, sir.

I'm like, you know when you like you pee on a cut and people are like, why are you peeing on cuts? And I'm like, I don't know, but there's something in my life. Don't yuck. Someone's yum. Truly, I was like, I don't know why I know this, but I know that urine burns. So when you inject it, it burns. So you shoot the things and then you basically, they fill up your ovaries with eggs. So each side, and you go into the doctors every day and they check.

Every day. One guy had me coming every day. Another guy had to come in every couple days, but right towards the end when it's like, it's a timing thing. So it's like the eggs have to be right at the right time because you don't want them to overmature because then you can't use them. So you want them all growing at the same time And so you go in

I'm just thinking logistically about this Most people have a full-time job during all this Oh, so here's the thing You're going at like 7 and 8 a.m. You're going in at 7 and 8 a.m. And you're doing this. For your future unborn child, you're like, okay, we're waking up When I get a kid, the night, the bedtime story

will be the fucking journey and the gauntlet that I went through to make them. And then if they think that they are going to college, they're not. They will live with me. I'm breastfeeding my child to their 13. This kid is with me forever. So, yeah, so basically then you're bloated because your ovaries are fucking gigantic. You're cramping.

You're just, you're uncomfortable, but it's not, it's only for like the span of like nine to 10 days. Okay. And then they like, there's a certain time where he says, okay, we need to trigger. Oh, and then you start taking something that will stop you from opulating. So once the eggs start looking good, looking good, then they like, we don't want you to lose them. You're not, we don't want you to obviate. So then you have to add another shot so that you're not ovulating.

And I also took this stuff called Omnitrope, which kind of, I think, helps the quality. So I was taking like four shots at certain nights. I was taking four shots. And what's your husband doing during all this? Watching TV. Sometimes I would, sometimes I would make him watch me. Sometimes I'd be like, stand here. Stand here and watch me do this.

Do you ever get a wax your vagina and during it, you're just like, fuck you, Brendan. like whoever the guy you're seeing like you just channel all the pain towards them i actually channel mine towards both of my parents who are extremely hairy you know like fuck you barb and jim this isn't supposed to grow in my asshole like this i'm a lady but but um robby must like he must because it's not their fault that they're the ones so like how does he feel emotionally during all this he he goes in and out so like because by design I'm feeling most of it because I'm physically doing it. I have to sometimes remind him like, this is hard.

But I, but I don't think, I think it's just because you don't like, men's whole portion of this is to come in a cup in a bathroom at a doctor's office. You know what I mean? Like they literally have a pleasurable experience. It's truly like, like I'm like crying and sweating, running into traffic and he's like, just in the cup. It's right in the cup here. This is where I come. Also, whenever you say the word of horrible. I get scared. Yeah. Because you're, you know, people call hormonal a thing. And yeah. And I just

envision myself like just going berserk. Yeah. It's kind of like I really only and Robbie's even said and some other people that I've been around have been like, you're doing pretty good with it. Like I definitely internally am feeling some turmoil and I definitely will snap at Robbie. Like I do remember one time when we were doing our first transfer last summer where you're on a whole other cocktail of hormones. because then you're getting your body prepped for to hold an embryo. And I remember I was like, doing good, doing good, doing good. And he's like, you're doing really good. You're doing really good with this thing.

Because that's two weeks when you're waiting and you're just like taking so many drugs. And then at one point towards the end, I just remember something set me off. And he was like in the shower. And I like peeled back the shower curtain. I was like, we're doing this now. And he was like, he couldn't say anything because it wasn't me, you know? And I was just like screaming at him while he was like in the shower, just in there, just like psycho like I just pulled the thing back and was like yeah like he like he watched my

head spin and fire and it was just like and I was like here it is and he just had to look at me and kind of be like okay what just happened and I also want to preface like I hate when people say women are like emotional because I think men are emotional just in totally different ways like anger and stuff but it's more like we're navigating insane things that we're not control of but somehow we still manage to run shit it's like it truly i just said this podcast and um and the whole theme was like powerful woman and she's like who is powerful to you and i was like all women in general like anybody that sees what's going on in the fucking world right now anybody that is dealing with any kind of anything like this infertility or have just given birth

and the fact that we do all this and then we wake up in the morning and we go to our stupid little jobs and we tell our dumb little jokes and we yeah and we laugh at The boss's bad jokes and we give exclamation marks on every fucking email to make sure everyone's okay. Yeah. Truly not like everything about what we go through on a daily basis is so crazy. And I also think we suffer in silence so much. I can't believe we wake up in the. I can't believe I got out of bed today.

I can't believe we eat anything other than bagels. With all the, I mean, speak for yourself. With all the abortions, shmarsh and stuff going on. I had a crazy moment. I was in actually L.A. when it all went down. And this man was actually, he was yelling. He was like, honk, if you've had an abortion, like there was this like rally going on. And the whole highway starts blowing up with honking. And I was shook. And I was like, we go through so much in silence. Because it's not like, it's even like when you go to your job, the average job, there's not tamp. pawns in, you know, the closet. It's not like a woman's world. I had to fight for that at a job I worked at to buy tampons for a mainly female office. Wow. And they, and it was our customer care had to work 24 hours a day. And so they were there in the middle of the night and they were there on the weekends. And he's like, I don't want it to be a thing where then we're just buying them for

that. I go, we need to, and they didn't have trash cans in the women's bathroom either. I go, we need trash cans in the women's bathroom and I need fucking tampons under there for those girls. Yeah, well, We're in stand-up, and imagine if it was like 50-50 men, women, how different the green rooms would be. I mean. People don't understand. Like, this studio we're in right now is run by a woman and a man, and you can tell. Like, there are details. But, like, every green room I'm in touring the country, it looks like horrible things have happened in a closet.

It looks like an in-cells base. I'm like, why is the- There's not even a mirror. No. I had to fight for that at a job I'm working at too now. It's like an on-camera thing. I was like, I need a mirror. If I'm going to be putting clipping things and putting microphones, I was like, I need a mirror. Like no one has even thought if a woman was in this position, would she not want a mirror? Would she not want, yeah, like a tampon around or like a good light? I don't know.

Like maybe not a rat in the corner. Maybe not. Maybe a candle. Is it crazy to ask for a vanilla scented candle um no it's through i i love the being involved in male spaces and being like wow they think women don't exist like at all it's or that we're gonna just change everything for their situation but that's why i love your fucking voice like what you're doing is so powerful right now because what you're doing with your show is similar to what i love about burning in hell i call it a comedy mental health podcast yeah because it's like people are more apt to listen to these things when i'm like it's my comedy podcast yeah and people have come in in yoked about every fucked up thing here.

We have to. We have to. How do you live? How do you live every day? Like you said, suffering and silence. And that's why I started talking about it because I also needed an out for myself. That if I was like out and about and I was with people and like I just wasn't feeling it or I was just felt like not talking, I could be like, I'm on hormones. Like I needed, I needed to not pretend like I wasn't going through this because I was like I'm affected by this.

I'm exhausted. my body is fat my ovaries are tripling in size i've got 29 goddamn eggs just bouncing around in there like i'm tired i've had i was on you know like i you get put under when you do the egg retrieval and i've gone on stage the next night and i'm like what am i like it's just it's it's it's it's i had to talk about it so that i could be weird i was thinking like was this what's going on with me man yeah don't question but i was even thinking about you going on stage every night like if I go on stage and like I think I might have to pee I like I'm like oh I'm not or like if I'm like a little bit I have a phobia of being on stage doing an hour and being hungry. So like like I do not want to be hungry on stage. Oh my God. So like these are little things like when you're on stage you want to feel good. So the fact that you're comfortable. Yeah. At least minimally comfortable with your body. That's another thing that nobody tells you like when there's there's certain medications that you have to stick in your vagina and you leak. And like being on stage thinking like you know when you can feel an egg drop or you can feel your period come you know you feel a leak

you know when you're like a snail trip like I felt that leak and you're on stage and I'm always worried that like halfway through my set they're just going to be a big wet spot on my crotch that is just literally eye level to everybody like eye level to everybody because like this is it's such a leaky process like there's so many things and you're so vulnerable on stage like you literally standing there with a light right on you on your your labia lips are like in Perfect eye line. People are literally the, yeah, looking at your vagina the whole time. I'm like, and I'll feel like a drop. And I'll be like, God, God damn it. And then you're on stage and I'm like, I got seven more minutes or I got whatever, 25 more minutes to talk and I feel like I got a drop. And let's be honest. You have to think about all these things. And it's very hard sometimes. Imagine like at a bad, if you're in a bad mood at work, you can be in a bad mood like in typical 9 to 5 and like do your emails. You have to go from bad mood to literally making people laugh when you're not laughing inside. I know. I know. There's been time when I, the first, the first transfer again, I was on so many meds that I was so tired that I was literally like waking up from sleep going and doing a show and then coming like I was just like it was like fully like I wasn't even there. Like I was so tired. So how. How long did it take you to go from wait? This is really upsetting to let's laugh about it. Because I know sometimes with comics with writing like something bad will happen to you and you'd be like, you know what? I don't remember. really want to touch this subject. Yeah, I know that feeling as well. I, again, like, I was,

as I was going through the process, you know, I, I hadn't fully checked in with it. It's such a weird thing. Like, I'm physically giving myself shots. I'm physically feeling uncomfortable. I'm sitting at the doctor's office. I'm getting, I mean, I have a blood, I have a bruiser here, getting blood drawn so much, but I still didn't feel like it was happening to me. Like, I still felt like I was outside of this. I was like, there's no fucking way that this is me, even though it was like physically myself. Well, also because the stereotype in your head wasn't you of like the woman. My period was the most basic, like my period was so normal. My period was the most regular, it was reliable. Like I have, like, so I. Is there a correlation? Well, generally, you know,

when you ovulate and it's not met, you're lining thickens because it's getting ready to like meet and prepare for for egg and sperm to meet an implant. And when it doesn't happen, that's your period. So getting your period kind of normally every month meant that I thought my cycle was normal. I was ovulating regularly and doing all this stuff. And so it really, I didn't, there was nothing in the cars. No warning signs. No warning signs. And then, yeah.

And so then I'm going through it being like, surely this is just all a fluke. Like surely I'll just, well, we can just keep having sex and I'll keep. This is not. You were like, I'm just being, you know. This is not. Proactive. And also, I don't even know. Infertility also is like, it's 50-50. So it could be Robby's, it's, it's Robby's sperm as well. They don't swim. They have morphology issues. Like, there's so many things. And then I think me, it's my quality just because I'm older and I have smoked many new ports in my life. Were you a smoker? Oh my God. I love, I still love smoking. I love. Do you smoke now? No, I can't. No, I don't know. I can't. Because it really, like, smoking

don't touch the jewel do not touch that fucking people are literally smoking sigs to quit julie i know when did you start smoking oh when i was 12 oh man i was still playing barbies just smoking sigs i was a wreck i was a wreck other people are like a drawing on it you're just like burning your sig on the barbie's hand i fucking a hot cigarette give it to me i i dream about like because we also when we travel like robbie will smoke in europe and it's just like it's just like it's just differently. We just, I, I still love cigarettes and I cannot touch them. Are you drinker? I love drinking. I love all the things that are bad for you. Yeah. Cocaine phase. Like, name it. I did it. Except for acid. You're fun. I'm, I'm, I'm fun. Thank you. She's a good time, gal. She is a good time. I lived in Hawaii for a couple years. You get very bored. You just drink and I need you for, like, 10 hours. Like, you just unlocked so many. Like, I love asking questions to people and my mind is going a mile in a minute right now.

I was like, I did so much. Crazy shit. To complete that. So if you're getting your eggs frozen, how long does it take? And how many times did you do it? And then when I wanted to start talking about it. Yes. I'm, this is me. I go off on the diet. No, I'm all over the place, but I'm getting the girlies all the information they need. Okay. Okay. So, wait, let me finish up. The first one was when did I want to start talking about it? And it was because I needed a way to clue into myself. That's why I started telling jokes about it. That's what happened is I was like, oh, let me see if I can tell a couple of these IVF jokes. they were resonating and it made me check in with the fact that I was going through it.

Because I was like, if I have to write about it, and I have to recognize that I'm going through it. Yes. So that was that. And then, okay, so for the egg retrieval, so you fatten up your eggs, you take all these shots, then you stop yourself from ovulating. And then when the eggs are ready, the doctor will say, you're going to trigger tonight. And it's a very timely thing. So you take an HCG shot that tells your body you can ovulate. So then you trigger. And the trigger has to happen. It's like 10 p.m. exact. Like I literally was in bath. bathrooms at Gotham being like, tick, tick, tick, and at 10 p.m. exactly because then the egg retrieval has to be exactly 36 hours after. So you have to trigger exactly at a certain time. And then

you go in like, yeah, like 36 hours later. So you trigger at 10 p.m. You wait and you go in the next day. And then they put you under, which is that's my literally, that's a reason to do an egg retrieval. Like, I'll talk to my anesthesiologist. I'm like, listen, I haven't like drank or done anything in like days. So can you? Because I don't, I tend to not like drink or do anything. anything when you're going through the cycle. Let me just, you know, I want to give myself the best chance. And so I tend to eliminate a lot of stuff. So I'm like, let me down slowly. You know, like, let me have a little bit of a ride. So, so they'll give me like a good 30 seconds being high before I go on there. And then, and then they literally, they stay, they, they take it and they

suction all the eggs out of your, so it's, it's a crazy feeling. Where do they go in? Through your, through your, through your, through your, up your thing, getting up to your things and then it is like I've watched like YouTube videos it's like a small tube I think and they kind of suck suck the eggs out so if you have a lot like it's obviously it becomes like a they're kind of I hate the word scraping yeah they're kind of getting your insides out and so you're stuck on the wall it's just they're just they're just kind of I don't know what with they're stuck or whatever but when you have more you're chilling obviously like you're vibing they're they're they're parting they're they're mixing it's a it's like your apartment had a mixer and everyone's like oh

I don't know what's happening. It's like it's 10 p.m. We're going to, we're leaving. Everyone leave. Yeah. Yeah. And then they get kicked out. Yeah.

It's a noise complaint. Yeah. But your ovaries are so big after that you have to be really careful not to do like certain kind of exercise because they don't want your ovaries to like jostle and twist because then that becomes a whole thing. And you could have overstimulated ovaries and then that's a whole thing where you're like puking and you have a headache. So there's a lot of the control freak in me. Yeah. Is getting anxiety because you have to let go because you can, it sounds like you can listen to

everything they say and it still won't work. And that is a real sense of loss of control, I feel like. It really is because you don't know what's going on with you. There's so many things that can, like your body, you could be, you could have low ovarian reserve, which means that you, like my doctors told me he's taken one egg out of a lady. Like you could, I've talked to two women who at 38 were already in the throes of menopause. They did not know. They didn't know. So there's so many things, I'd accept them. So means my overeat a septum. So means my overeating. was split at the top, which means that that's something that can cause miscarriage. So then they have to fix that. I also had like a fibroid at one point that needed to be because otherwise the

fibroid was right where the baby would have grown and it would have like it would have like poked. And how the fuck would you know? This is they have to, you have to poke around up there. Also even just hormonally, now people are starting to check their hormones more. And I highly recommend it even though I haven't done it. One of my friends, she just like couldn't lose weight and she was the healthiest person I knew. She had a thyroid thing. Mm-hmm. So so and she was like Hannah, I had an eating disorder because I didn't understand why I couldn't lose weight. And when she was able to realize, like, oh, it's out of my control, she needed to, she needed to like regulate it. Exactly. So like this, it's just, it's so hard, especially as women,

because I feel like some of us will do everything right and our bodies still will not respond. We have, you know, you have to, that's, you have to seek medical advice at a certain point. You know, like if it's, if you are doing all these things, then it's clearly out of your control. So they put you under, they take all the eggs out, and then if you're getting them frozen, I believe you can still test the quality of the eggs, and then they'll test them, and then they'll cryofreeze them. And then essentially those are good. If you're getting embryos out, then they take the eggs out, and then they have to be which ones are mature. So some of them, either if they're too small or they've gone over, they have to be mature,

and then they put a sperm into each of the mature eggs, and then you see which ones fertilize. and then you wait until day three and you see if they're they have enough cells so you want on day three you want between six and ten cells and then on day five and six you want certain other things like little to no fragmentation you want them to be like in this like sack and you want the cells to be so they so then they grade them so on day five or six they grade the embryos to be like this is what we think they are based on like the fragmentation in the cell number and where they are in like this like kind of like sack thing for black for a better word and then once you're going to you have those embryos, anybody who's made it past all that. And at every step, they go down,

like at least half. So, like, I started at one point with 29 eggs. You get 27 are mature, 24 fertilize. At day three, you have 15. At day six, you have nine. And then those nine go to testing to make sure that they have all the right chromosomes. And then you get, and then I had two come back. So it's like, it's just, it drops up. And then they see which ones actually. And then, and then the two are the good ones. Then those get re-frozen. And then based on quality, you, you, you, you, you implant like the best quality one. So we have five frozen right now from two cycles because I did two with another clinic and I only got one embryo and it didn't stick.

We put it in. What are the stick chances? Based on age, it changes. So like I think if you're like below 30, I think you have a 60% chance of a live birth. If you're like between 20 and 30 or between 30 and 40, I think it's like, you know, 50, And then, like, after 40, it's like, you know, 40% chance of a live birth, which is fucking wild. And can you give me some numbers of what these things can cost? Yes.

So it's, a egg retrieval can be about $18,000, somewhere between 15 and 18. Yes. And then there's, and then the meds can be anywhere from five. My first clinic had me so drugged up. My first round of meds were $12,000. Are they running this by you and giving you numbers? They're just at the end. They're like that was 12.

They show you that, but you're buying the drugs at other places. Luckily then, after my first round of drugs, my clinic saved drugs for me. I got drugs from other friends. There's like a fucking underground network. Truly, I got drugs from friends that had insurance and they were like giving me sacks and needles and like hormones. Because you guys are both comics. Do you not have insurance? This last round we got insurance.

So we were about, I'd say we're probably. about 80 to 85 out of pocket ourselves. Luckily, we had some very nice friends and some family members gift us about $40,000. I don't know why the dichotomy of like what's going on right now with abortion rights and how much like pro-life people care about a baby's life. And then like how fucking difficult it is to have. But the thing too is like with these laws though, depending on how the term of fertilization, this is what's also so scary is it so many people are depending on this to make families. And when you're fertile, when you have a fertilized embryo, some people are considering that the person. So they want to now put limits on how many eggs you can take out and how many

things. So then they want to, so then they want to not let you test your embryos and make you put in embryos. Because miscarriages are bad embryos. They were, there was nothing you've done wrong. Yes. A bad, a miscarriage is just an embryo. It was not a viable thing. If it did make it to pregnant, if you did give birth to an embryo with a wrong number of chromosomes, a lot of times they don't live outside of your body. So they want to force women to do, what is it called, a mercy, mercy and put their bad embryos in just to miscarry them. Because they think that that's more humane than discarding things that you cannot even fucking see with your eyes, with the naked eye. They think that that as a person. So it will, it could eventually affect this. Also, the trauma,

It's insane. The trauma of caring that is like... I know. And they want to make women... And who knows how that could affect future births? That's the thing, too. Once you have a miscarriage, you have to... There's certain cells and things that are still in there that could help... That could cause more miscarriage. So it's a really...

And that's much it again. It's traumatic to bleed out. Yes. It's traumatic. Yes. You're like, my buddy doesn't like this. This is not comfortable for anybody. I mean, talk about leaking.

It's just like, it's not good. So that's what scares me is that it really could affect how people make their families if this transfers over, which it might, which because essentially fertilization is a baby, then your embryos are affected and then you're not allowed to keep as many. Because the whole thing is they think, you know, say you get five embryos and you do two and you have two babies and that's all you want it. You have three embryos and you would just discard them or donate them to science or whatever. And then they're saying like, oh, that's.

also abortion that's killing and it's not it's truly all the whole thing is so mading especially because like knowing how hard it is to make if this is your only option to make a family and knowing that they could eventually stop people from being able to do that it makes it so sad like I and it's like this is literally what you guys said you wanted was more life don't you want all the people which is crazy I'm Like, have you met people? I know, horrible. They stink. They stink.

People stick. Yeah. We've all been to Times Square. Yeah. They stick. They suck. Literally and figuratively. Yeah, they suck.

Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. That's, there's no doubt in that. And that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast. In case you missed it with.

Christina Williams. The WMPA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted, but we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way and we're hoping to to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams

and IHeart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day.

Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else.

It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted, but we also know, you You know, that's just one stop along the way. And we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. How, when did you decide you wanted to try to get pregnant? It was Halloween. I was literally. Corrella DeVille fully hammered, just half the gray in my hair still. And Robbie Schottelowed me. And I remember being like, I'm a mom. Like it was like I let science go at the window

Like I wanted to take a pregnancy test the next day You do not know You do not just because there's sperm in you You do not know So I remember just being like Oh my God How old were you? Were you guys married?

Yeah no we weren't married yet We got buried at 38 I think yeah we got married at 38 But so So Halloween I think I was 30 I must have been 36 I think it was 36 Yeah and he shot a load

How long we were together We'd already been together I guess like four years And had he not, like, raw-dogged like that? We'd raw-dog. We just pulled out. You know, we just, we did that. Yeah.

We were pulling out. No birth control. No, I haven't been on birth control since I was 22 because it was, I was like, there's no, these are too crazy, this is too wild. Because I was on it from like 15. Yeah. And then I was also on like antidepressants and ADD medicine. And I was like, you know, you see a Kodak commercial and you're bawling.

And I was like, who can live like this? Who can fucking live like this? You see a lawnmower commercial and you're like, don't hurt the grass? You're watching that. commercial for like Mormons remember when they broke the window and he's like sorry and I'm like I'm a Mormon I was like I can't live like this so I stop commercial with the sunset and you're like it's beautiful all of it I was done so I just I truly and honestly I I just cold turkied my like my 80D medicine my antidepressants and birth control I mean talk about why talk about raw dogging

life talk about exactly how did it change how did it change your emotions your weight, your overall well-being? I was 22. I was on so much Coors Light. Like, I really, I think at one point we had, I think at one point we went through a mint schnapps phase. Like, nobody knows who they are. Yeah. I had no way.

I didn't know of what I was feeling. What is in gold schnapps? What are those little gold things? It's flakes. It's, should we be keeping them now? I mean, inflation. We should be, we should have been mining them. We should have, we really made mistakes with the gold slogers.

Oh, we were just living life, not thinking about the consequences. Aftershock? Like, why were we drinking things out of a wax bottle? It was, it was disgusting. Yeah. So I have no idea. All I know is that I remember sitting in traffic one day in L.A. And I was like, and I was crying. And I was like, no more meds. No more meds. And I got off birth control. So I hadn't been on birth control for, yeah, for over a decade and a half. So finally, he comes in you. Comes in me. On Halloween. And this is like, what, 14 years after you were like, I'm off birth control. Hope I don't get breakers. I mean, like, I had taken plan B a few times. I mean, like, I had taken plan B a few times. I, you know, and it's just, and it's really funny. Like there's never been, even through all of that, I don't think I'd ever had like a late period. Like, I don't think I'd ever really truly had a pregnancy scare. Like, I don't, I don't, I've never been pregnant.

I, yeah. So. So then you, you aren't pregnant after Halloween. Not pregnant. And then are you like, let's try? Yeah. So then we were kind of like, okay, we're doing this. We're doing this.

And so we were just kind of doing it willy-nilly and then nothing was happening. Like, you know, and. And that's all. also a very wild because then you're just kind of like living life and then you get your period and you're like so sad. Yeah, there's always like three weeks

where you're like, I could be walking around pregnant and I don't know. I remember on stage I was at Gothman. I was like after the Halloween one and I was like, I could be pregnant right now and it was like the first time I kind of started telling jokes about trying to get pregnant. Yeah. I mean the whole concept of people being like we're trying is so funny.

It's just looking at your friends being like we're fucking. Yeah. We are absolutely. fucking. I also, I thought I was pregnant this month. Did you? Because I, it's so funny because after you get married, suddenly like, you're like, you can't, you can't blow. The sex is pregnant now. You can't bloat because everyone's just like, are you pregnant? And I'm bloated 98% of time. So it's been like weird for me. I want to do a game show of like bloated or pregnant. I know people get offended. People get offended by that shit. But like people are like, some people can't get pregnant. And I'm like, I possibly can't get pregnant. I don't know. But it's the second you're married, everyone assumes

you're like pregnant. Yeah. But I... That's another reason to be open about talking about shit because then I get no questions because I'm always like

I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Okay, leave me the such low. I just got married a month ago. Yeah. But like... Can I live? You're like, can we live our lives

for just a little bit? Yeah. And that's definitely what we want to do. Yeah. But I'm very... I take birth control but I'm notoriously bad about it. I do.

I have bits about it. It's, I didn't take it. Like I just don't take it. I don't know how to take it. Because I'm always traveling. I don't have a good method. I have ADHD. I don't fucking do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, I'm trying. Yeah. And then I, but normally I make sure he doesn't do the deed, like, when I'm ovulating. But like, let's be honest, I don't, I'm not like perfect with that either. Yeah. And I think there was a moment where I was, I, he came and then I was like, I'm definitely ovulating right now. Do you know when you're ovulating? I have the flow app, but I don't update it that off. I'm just bad with admin in general. When you have the clear stuff coming out, when you have, when you have the clear stuff coming out, when you have. have the egg whites coming out, you're ovulating. Okay, I remember that, that was, like, happening a lot this, this month.

Yeah. I remember being like, okay, aggressive. Yeah, the egg whites is, that's, that's, that's, you're dropping eggs. So he, yeah, I remember being like, I didn't say anything to him. And then I, my boobs were throbbing. My boobs were throbbing. Oh, yeah. If you think you're pregnant, you can make, you can make the symptoms, you're, the symptoms will

be there. If you're like, my tits are so, my boobs were, like, hurting so bad one day. Yeah. And I Googled it and they were like, that's the sign. And then it was like, are you moody? And I'm like, absolutely. Like, are you tired? And I'm like, absolutely.

So tired. Oh my God. It's like, but it's also the same signs for COVID. So I'm like, oh, I also have COVID. And then I asked my friend, I was like, I think I'm pregnant. And she's like, my friend said she was pregnant when she could smell her boogers. There is. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second.

And I was like, I was like, I. start going, okay, I don't think I can smell my bookers, but maybe my boogers don't have smell. Like long so short, no one knows what the fuck's going on. And two days ago, I like massively just got my period. I also was PMSing like crazy. Yeah. And that's also the same thing. It's, it through all the same thing. I was Googling. I'm like, do you PMS when you're pregnant? We literally had like the most, we had the most beautiful weekend together. But there were like a lot of things we had to do. And finally the last thing, we were like, we go up to a driveway to see some people. And I turned to him and I go, I don't want to be here. And he was like,

where is this coming from? He's like, you can drive home. You don't have to be here. And I'm like, I didn't have to come. You didn't even tell me. I didn't have to come. And he's like, I didn't know you didn't want to come. And he's still makes, because we're like, the Hamptons. Like, it's beautiful. And he'll just look at me and be like, I don't want to be here. Like the most dramatic. And then I got there and I was like, it was fine. But I'm very short. I fully thought I was pregnant. I also. Yeah. I'm just letting you guys know, like the things that happened that no one talks about. I did joke about this though and I did post it on my Instagram. I took plan B the next day after my wedding because I hadn't take my birth control for like five days because

wedding I was like distracted by the wedding. 100% and he came and the next day I was spotting because I was off birth control for like six days. Yeah yeah that also and then it was also like during ovulation. So I just looked at him like do you want to have a baby and he's like I kind of want to travel for a bit So I was like, then take me to CVS. I like that you look down at your underwear and you look at him and you're like, are you ready to become a father? No, because I'm like, we're in this together, bitch. Are you going to wake up in the morning and take care of this baby? And he was like, no.

And I'm like, then take me to see yes. Do you want to have kids eventually, though? So I was never the like I want to be a mom when I was younger, but I have this intense love for children and animals. Like when I'm around children, when I'm around animals. You feel something. I feel I just I love it like I will hang out with kids over adults all the time and I I have such a like great relationship with my parents I'm that I like want that for myself yeah but I also am like obsessed with my career yeah and I've never seen like a I don't see a lot

of good examples especially female comics it's hard it's so many great female comics who don't have children. Allie Wong did but she just got a divorce And it's just like there's not hard to see that like effortless, um, have it all moment. Yeah. But with, that's also another thing because, yeah, because we've been, that's also I think something there, there's not been many examples anyway for us, not even with female comics. Like I said, it's that thing that when you're younger, they're like, if you want a career, you can't have a kid.

Like it's been told to us. And it's just like, it's very hard to break out of that. And do you know that feeling like when you're 16 and you're afraid that you're pregnant and the whole world. seems like it's crashing down like how they make like the reality TV show like 16 and pregnant like you feel like if I'm pregnant my life is over sometimes like that still stays with you for it's no it's 100% it stays where you just get scared like this is the end like for 18 years now like I'm a slave to um being a mom yeah and I even today on TikTok this girl went viral just

like sobbing being like I've never been more lonely like make sure if you have a baby that like your husband actually like cares for you as a person yeah you have to like the person that you're doing it with but also it's like there has to be a switch like why is it that we like i i get that we have to breastfeed and we're the people but like there is no world that says that the mom isn't doesn't work and the dad stays home like yeah there's just there has to be some kind of something it's like somebody has to be willing to give up something but it's always assumed that it's going to be us it's funny i think my husband is like wanting to wait a little because he knows that he's going to do most of the work. Yeah. He's like, he's like,

she's not all. Like, I made it very clear that I'm not a caretaker. I made it very clear that I am sleeping in. He loves waking up in the morning. Like he's, oh, he's perfect. Five a.m. You're perfect for this. So he knows, he goes, I'm taking care of it. So, like, I want to wait. And I was like, so, but that was part of choosing a person for me, knowing that, like, he's going to be a very hands-on dad. Yeah. Because I'm not playing that game. No. But so for you, how, you said this has like been a four year process yeah almost five october's five how has this affected your relationship oh quite uh it's affected in many different ways just because there is this thing where like we were saying earlier because i'm going through it there's a level of seriousness that's just it's just

different and and and he doesn't necessarily get all the parts of it that are important to me well he's also he's not in your shoes so he's not in my shoes and he's in any and and men are dumb they just they don't have the the the it's just different kind of things like sometimes they're like very logical that's the thing it's it's they're more logical so I'll be like hey Monday is our transfer date there's nothing of like oh my god I can't believe we're going to do it Monday it's more like okay you've told me a date of something like and there's not like an emotion attached to it and I have to remind him to be like and then you feel like you're being needy being like hey, I'm scared.

I feel like I'll be like, oh, he doesn't, like, it goes to, oh, you don't care. Oh, you don't care. We're just, just maybe the last day I ever won't be pregnant. Maybe that, you know, and he's like, I just heard that there's a date. Yes. And it's Monday. Like, it becomes, they think about it very logically, like you said, as opposed to, and I have had to remind Robbie many times to remember the emotional aspects of it.

And that's caused lots of fights. But it's great that, like, you have a person in this. Yeah. But like I like to say, like no relationships are perfect because life isn't perfect. Your life doesn't just become this fairy tale. Like now you just have someone next to you while life throws all its crazy ups and downs to you. No. Because also when even if you, when you have a person though and you get thrown shit, like you guys, me and Robbie handle things so differently that it's amazing that we're even able to live under the same roof together.

Do you know what I mean? Like we're so most. Well, you're dealing with massive trauma right now. So polar opposites and loss, which is something that I haven't processed yet. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's having transferred an embryo and not having it have worked, having done all these things, having, you know, you make all these eggs and you only get this. It's all like kind of this loss and a weird sense of trauma that I didn't, I don't fully understand yet. Like this is again, like doing this show has helped me to kind of get into my own body a bit to be like,

Oh my God, I've gone through a lot in the last four years. Like, it's been a, it's been a lot. How are you dealing with having empathy with yourself? Because that's my current work I'm doing with myself. Trying to be empathetic with yourself. Yeah, I, actually, our couples therapist just showed us this little, have you seen it's like a, it's like literally like a three minute Brenne Brown thing about, it's called like empathy versus sympathy. Have you watched it? No, but I need to.

She, like, literally made us watch it in therapy the other day. And we were like, okay, got it. Like, this is. She's like, she's like, take notes. Yeah, yeah. She was like, because she told us about it. She's like, did you guys watch it? We're like, we totally forgot.

She's like, here it is. And she, like, showed it to us. But it was a really interesting thing about the difference between the two and how empathy is just so much more caring and helps so much more than like sympathy. So I really try to forgive myself. Because with this process, there's so, like I said, if you go on the internet, there's so much where it's like, don't eat this. Don't do that. Don't take a bath. Don't paint your nails. Don't like there. There's so many things that you're not supposed to do. Don't be stressed about it.

Just relax. Would you just relax? Would you just relax? Be relaxed. You'll get pregnant. It's like go fuck yourself. Fuck yourself so hard. Fuck yourself in front of a train track. Fuck yourself on a train track. Don't tell me to relax because I will sew your, sew your vagina together. I, it's not okay. It's not okay. Don't say anything to anybody going through this process. Don't try to give them advice literally buy them a bottle of wine and be like i don't know if you're drinking right now but i'm sorry you're going through this buy them a bottle of wine buy them a box candy that's it don't say anything saying forgive yourself is fucking powerful yeah yeah you have to forgive like so i will go and i'll and i'll do something or i'll be like i'm not on this you know i'm not doing the mediterranean

diet and everything says you have to do the mediterranean diet before you transfer but all i want to eat is hot tamales because i'm not drinking and like like also when you're stressed the only want it's hot tamales you don't want to eat a fucking kale salad i'm on a hot tamale kick like nobody's business. Yeah. That's all I want. It's all I want. So, but I've had to kind of, because I've had nights where I just sit up and I, I spiral, I spiral, I

go, God, if I really wanted a baby, why would I, why did I eat this? If I really wanted a baby, why did I do like, oh my God, how come I can't, how come I can't have enough self-control to not do this? The self-hate could just take over. It's so much. I've actually also started acupuncture and I think whatever she's doing is allowing me to be a little bit more gentle, like whatever she's doing, is allowing me to cross like to handle these things a lot more like calmly than the spiral because I really haven't

had a bad spiral and I'm and I'm a week. I'm less than a week away from a transfer and I really haven't and this is your second transfer. This is the second transfer because the first one we had only had the one embryo it was last last summer and this this my doctor again is doing like something so different than I did last time so I'm really interested to see if this works and I feel like I'm in a different place now. How's it making a different? So the first, generally when you transfer, you have to take progesterone, whether that is, because you need thick lining. Your lining needs to be thick and your hormones need to be at a certain level for your body to want to accept to make a healthy environment for the embryo to implant and stick. And so a lot of times you have to take things to help thicken it and to help your hormones.

So like I was taking six estrogen pills a day, four up my crotch, two in my mouth. I had an estrogen patch and I was also every whole every it was like there were less drugs at Coachella like there are less drugs than what I was on at fucking Coachella and then you take a progesterone and you shoot it in your butt so you take progesterone and you literally give yourself shots in the butt and then if you're pregnant you do this for like weeks leading up and then if you're pregnant you continue it for like 10 weeks and so that was like it's like a huge thing and then if you're not pregnant you just stop everything cold again you just stop taking hormones but he's doing more with my natural cycle so he's doing kind of like a

an assisted natural cycle. So he's waiting for me to ovulate. He's checking my level. So I've really only done, I did a light hormone. I did a light birth control. And then I'm on a, I did, I triggered because they were again waiting. They were like watching my natural eggs. And he was like, okay. And he allowed my body. He told my body it was okay to ovulate. And now I'm on a light steroid. And then I'll go in on Monday. I'll go in on Sunday for blood work. And then I'll go in on Monday. And because they were like, your lining was thickening enough on its own. He's like, If we needed help, we'd give you something. But it was like, it was my natural cycle was doing enough on its own that they said,

we can go ahead and transfer it. So I've had to be on way less drugs, like almost no drugs this time compared to legitimately I had a schedule that was I was on like five different pills and you had to take certain things with food and some things you couldn't take with dairy and you had to take them exactly at this time and the shots had to be between these three. Like it's truly an insane process where you're like, you're so locked in and you're such Admin. It's so much admin. And then you're also going to the doctors to check everything. And then once they implant it, it's nothing. And it's just two weeks of you and yourself being like, yeah. And like you're, you're, you feel like you're so responsible, but you're also so not responsible. I always grew, I grew up with this kind of like, oh, if I succeed at things, I'm more lovable. Like, and and so I would be going nuts with like, oh, I'm not successful in this. Am I not lovable? Which is like, so. so not you gave those the value together yes oh man that's a tough one yeah that's a tough one and that's

a really tough one i've gotten like good things happen from it but it's it's not a pleasant you know day to day sometimes no no not at all that sounds miserable but it's great that you've been able to separate the two i've had to and i have better days and i have and i have not good days you know but this round I've really tried to just been like because honestly I follow people on the internet and I follow these things

and you watch these people that do everything correctly and are still not successful so it's like because also on the internet you can find whatever you want you can find a site that's like eat nothing but McDonald's

and you get pregnant like if that's what you want to find you'll find it you will find what you want on the internet because there's so many variables to these things and everybody's different like I had a friend that literally was like just don't do crack

she's like just don't do drugs And like it'll be like, but you can't, you cannot control this. I mean, there are people do swear by certain things. Like, I don't know if you say like Heidi Montag was like chewing raw liver. Like she was eating literally like raw livers trying to get pregnant. Like she was just chewing bison hearts and raw livers and like putting this on Instagram and she got pregnant. And she was like, I was on an all meat diet. Like you don't know what it is, what is the combination. But like somebody gets pregnant after doing this one thing and they're like, this is what it is. And you're like, this is what it is. you're like, do I need to do that? But it's not, it's not a one-size-fits-all. It's not a, like,

you have to go home. The only thing, they do tell you to try to keep your belly warm. They say, try to keep your belly warm. Try not to do, like, start your days. It's also, like, the human body is 99 degrees. Like, I'm on fire. Like, I'm on fire. But, like, they say to do, like, broths and soups and, like, not do, like, smoothies and stuff like that. But again, it's like, who the fuck knows? But they're like, if you keep your, you want to keep your belly warm. And this started, the only thing that has seemed to make sense. This started from a combination of like, you have some things going on and your husband's sperm might not be as. Yeah, this just started from, hey, we're not getting pregnant.

And then we did IUIs, which is like the step before IVF where they basically take the sperm and deliver it to the egg and say like, just, just get there. And my husband's sperm were still like, I'm okay. They wanted nothing. They were like, no, thank you. This is so insightful to me because like, I don't know. any of this. And it's crazy because I'm a 30 year old woman and no one has ever. We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't. I mean, I'm not asking because I've never, I just haven't been that situation. Yeah. So what is your ultimate mindset for this embryo coming, but also just in general? Like, do you think you want to be a mom

regardless of any situation or do you think you might one day just be like, you know, fuck it? Yeah. I've had that conversation especially because like I said at 40 it's kind of like there was a lot of pressure on these two last two egg retrievals because it's like I don't think if if none of these I mean god forbid these five embryos we have five chances right now but if for some reason my body's not working with them because you can get a surrogate there's that which is also like so much money though it's like a hundred thousand dollars yeah hey somebody to be pregnant for you which we just don't that that I don't even think that would be an option for us but I've had to talk to myself and be like I've seen, like, GoFundMe's for, like, cats that have gotten, like, 40K. So I feel like, I'll push it on Bernie now. All right. I have more. I just let you know. I just want to let you know.

We will do a go fund me. Okay. Okay. If I need a surrogate, I'm going to post a picture and be like. No, someone posted, like, their cat broke their ankle. And they got like $40,000. And I was like. But I truly think that we like pets more than we.

We know. We don't need more people, but I'm saying we don't need people. Like, I would understand the abortion ban. women were getting pregnant with puppies, they'd be like, no, we're keeping, we're keeping all the puppies. But people, yeah. Everyone. Yeah, people. Yuck. Yuck. Um, uh, so, so I, I have had to look at myself in the mirror and be like, you're 40. If this is the last chance, like, you probably aren't going to do another egg retrieval. Like, if these don't work, what is, what's, what's your move, kid, you know? And I've just had to, and, and there is part of me that's like, well, the world seems

to be ending. So if I'm not bringing somebody else to, to, to, to, for the demise. and like maybe I'm doing something nice but but ultimately I think I've had to kind of be like I've had to stop that line of thinking to be like I have five chances right now and I need to put all my positive energy into that so I haven't even really done the what comes after this well you're living in the moment which is really great I have to are you spiritual at all right now I've been I've been doing I've been rubbing crystals and I pull I pull a card I pull my tarot card like a tarot card every day. What are the tarot saying? It's all been like very, I've yet to pull a card that's like the same for you. Yeah. Everything I've pulled based on my questions so far has been like growth,

new life, like all that, like there's been a lot of things that could be interpreted to like, to two new beginnings and new chances. And like even I was just like running my show the other night. And I was like, I'm worried about this. And the card was just like, stop judging yourself. And I was like, you motherfucker. It's crazy. You motherfucker. I saw a psychic. Yeah.

And she was like, yeah, I'm seeing just like babies. And then I saw an astrologer. Yeah. And she was like, okay, I'm just in the, she was like, I'm seeing it's either babies or like new career stuff. And she's like, you can probably like be in control of either. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I got.

And then my friend who's like very close to me. Yeah. You're getting pregnant. And I'm like, I don't really. It's so funny. we're in such different situations where I'm scared shitless. I get it. But I also am like, low key, I'm like, if I get pregnant, like, I get pregnant, like we're going to do this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's, oh my God. This conversation has been so fucking powerful.

One other question. Yeah. How have audiences responded? It's been really fun because I, because the material, sometimes I have to bring it down to explain it. I'll look into the crowd and I feel like people are really listening, but sometimes people will get up to go to the bathroom. I'm like, all right, that guy. I didn't have that guy. But I do feel like people are listening, which is really interesting. And I feel like I'm talking about it differently than I've ever told jokes before. And I get a lot of people that come, men and women that will be like, we went through it. A lot of women will be like, I had my baby at 41, you're okay. Or like, I went through this and you'll be good. A lot of guys being like me and my wife did it. And like, so I get a lot of people just, being like, I'm thinking about you and like you can like it's possible and like just kind of giving me words of affirmation or just just saying I, we went through it as well. Because on the New York standup scene like fertility is not something that you're hearing about every night. No. And that's why I was also kind of like I made the choice to kind of go for it because I was like this feels when you hear the odds that it's one and eight people

sometimes it's one like in some countries it's one and four like it's literally and I say that they have trouble. It's going through fertility. These are herpes odds. And we all know somebody with herpes or HPV. So it's like if it's the same odds, you know somebody going through it. You're a loser. You're a dumbass. Go get HIV.

You're a fucking nerd. Thank God they had a vaccine my time around. Because HPV also can affect your fertility. Be careful. But yeah, it was so audiences, I can say sometimes, sometimes I lose them. I can tell that there's a couple people that maybe aren't into it. But my goal with the jokes is to, even if you're not going through it, that you could still, the jokes are enough that it's still funny even if you can't relate. And if you can relate,

it'll be double good. Yeah. And if you have no feelings to it, maybe you'll learn something. And even if for whatever, yes, you're going to learn something. Yeah. Okay. We're going to end with a final game. Okay. A speed round. Oh my God. I can go to talk to you for hours. I actually have 400 more questions. But, and you guys, definitely message Casey. I have any questions. Truly, honestly, I'm here for anything, I'll tell you all the supplements. I'll tell you anything I did and you can do it if you want and you don't have to eat. And if you're close to Scotland or planning on going to Scotland, she is around all month. All month. I'll be just the tonic at the mash house. My show's at 5.05 p.m. Come see it. Amazing. Yes. A little pre-dinner fun. Yes. Yes. Yes. Before you get

hammered, come talk about babies. Or, you know, have a little pre-dinner drink. Okay, it's time to play the Seven Deadly Sins. Yes. Okay. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Cheese. What kind of cheese? Pepper Jack. Oh, hell yeah. That was some white trash shit. That was some white trash. I heard it come out. Even if I wanted to take it back. Are you from Boston? No, I'm from San Francisco.

Oh, I am so sorry. That was insulting. I should not have said you're like, San Francisco is so fucking. cool. It's cool. I went to San Francisco twice to play Cobbs and... Hobbs is great. That bar next door to Cobbs was my high school bar. That was like where I was going since I was 16. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. And I love the seals. I'm loving the seals. Seals are staple. They are like... Lots of seals. Dog burritos. I love them. Who are you envious of? Chelsea Paredi. I love her career. Tell me why. She's amazing. I just think like she's just so funny. She's like then wrote on a show, then had it.

role made for her and now kind of I think can do whatever she wants you know I just think she's funny but she wasn't like she wasn't like handpicked by the industry yeah she wasn't she really she still like did pretty good industry wise but she wasn't like super super super but she does like enough for her her career just seems cool and I also think she yeah she never seems to be doing something she doesn't want to do she always seems to be herself she just seems yeah and she just is really funny what a badass yeah what are you gluttonous about besides cheese it's still cheese I'm I'm gluttonous in a way that like I don't let myself get full like I know I'm supposed to wait but like if I want another something right then it's going in my mouth I agree I'm the same way

I do not break I'm gonna throw my phone for that is done what's your nationality I am like Russian German fucking I don't need Irish yes I'm a white mutt oh wow I'm a white mutt Yeah. We're similar. My dad is like that. Russian, Austrian, Polish, German, Jewish, and then my mom's Italian. So I have a little pepperoni. Pepperoni. When was last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Oh, to Robbie. When he, when I told him the date of our transfer and he said, okay. And I said, no hugs. No tears. No recognition. Rage. Rage. But what's so funny, too, is after you get anger at him, it's very hard for him to then just be, like, pleasant and excited for it. Well, can I tell you what happened is that we were, like, on our way to brunch, it got derailed. I fucking, I was like, see you later. I went and I went and I sat at this other place and I started eating brunch and then he met me.

And I had won the Hamilton lottery. And we were supposed to go together. And he's like, you know what, bring someone else because you're going to have fun with somebody else. And I was like, and I didn't bring anyone else. And I was like, and I was about to leave the house by myself. And I was like, I'm going by myself. And he's like, okay, well, I'll go with you. And then we got to Hamilton and we were both like, I'm sorry.

Like, we just Hamilton brought us together. That is so funny. When you fight while you're about to go to eat. To Hamilton. Yeah. I've done the like, I'm walking like I'm about to go to lunch. You're going to fight and you're like, we can't sit together right now. You go to a separate place.

I went to my own place. And then you wait and you're like, will he come? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He knows where I am. And I was like, you know what? I'm hungry. I have the credit card. And then you're like, we should have just had lunch together because I'm.

Yeah. And then I, well, he did. He met me. And then we, and then, yeah. I can't believe you're about to kick him out of Hamilton. We were like, we were eating, like, he got his twizzers and I got my peanut. And when you win the lottery, you're front row. So we were like sitting in the front row being like, this is kind of wild.

And then we were like, okay, let's have a good day. Like Hamilton made us feel better. So funny. Okay, when was the last time you were a sloth? So just lazy all day. Oh my God. Sometime in the last couple weeks. I started Love Island season five and that really took me down for a couple days.

Wait. Who's the stars of season 5 again? Tommy Fury and Molly May. That's the only one I watch. The funny flutters. Yeah. It's a really good one. Mora was great.

Mora was so wild. Oh my God. Yeah. Well was the last time you let your ego or your pride to get in the way of something? This is the hard one. I feel like in comedy it comes up pretty often where you check yourself where you see somebody get something and you're like, I feel like I'm funnier than them. And then you have to be like, clearly, clearly there's something that they had in this, moment when they got this thing that I didn't have.

Yeah. So, but you have to check your, I feel like I have to check myself. I'll, like, look at a seller line up and be like, they got in, they got in, they got in. And immediately be like, what the fuck is wrong? Yeah. I'm funny. Yeah. And then I have to be like, that hasn't, them getting it has nothing to do with how funny I am.

And also you assume like them getting something that you want means that their life is perfect. And it's like, well, and then you realize like, oh, it's actually like, my perspective is so fucked right now. Yeah. Yeah. or like that same person is looking at you wanting something you have it's that's the call with comedy it's like I have to know there's people that see my schedule and go would love that and I'm seeing other people's would love that and you just have to be like eyes on your own prize eyes on your own paper and then also that's also why I wrote the show I was like I need my own project I need my own project I need my own project I don't want to compare myself I love it because you literally made it happen for yourself it did it and it was I needed I needed something to throw my energy into instead of just like spots and comparing myself I I was like, what is something, what do I have? And I was like, this inactive womb. The whom?

The whom I've got this empty whom. Maybe I'll fucking capitalize on that. And that's what we did. It's also so wild to think of your life of like pregnant versus non-pregnant. Because you go throughout so much of your life not even thinking about that. And then also the concept of like, oh, if I have this thing, I'll be happy. Yeah, and I don't even know. I don't even know, and I've been trying to check myself to be like, it's not going to fulfill. I'm just, I'm trying to take it as like, it's the next phase. Yes. It's the next phase. So whatever that phase brings, but I would like to have the next phase. Yeah. You know, like, as I haven't made the choice that this is how I'm going to live forever of how I live right now, I would like another phase. I would like another something. And I would like to be a mom. And so like I want to live in that world for a bit. So, you know, but like, and I say, in my show to it. I don't feel like less than. I don't feel like my life has been not great because I don't

have the kid yet. I'm just ready. I'm ready for it. Yep. For that change. Yeah. Well, it was the last time you lusted over someone. So I know we love Robbie. We let him go to Hamilton with us. But who's like your celebrity crush? Oh my God. Who is my celebrity crush? I feel like it just changes with what I'm watching. I'm like, you know, you watch Love Island and you're like, goddamn 22 year olds are hot. my god my god a 23 year old's body is but they're so excuse me so dumb they're so stupid they're so squirrel brains stupid and then you're like oh my god i let men like that like control my emotions like that's scary it's so crazy it's so crazy but i feel like there's also like an older actor that i'm starting to find more i mean you know i love a zaddy i mean it's like yeah you turn 40 and you're

like give me the gray hairs i honestly i'm trying to think who i even I you know who dude I don't even know I don't even know what my latest celebrity crush is because it literally changes every time I watch a show it changes I mean I think we all like Chris Evans for sure yeah and he recently came out being like I'm so focused on trying to find the one you know everyone's mom was damming them everybody everyone's mom was like he's gonna choose you go find him that's like what I was like younger and I was like convinced that Justin Timberlake and me were like I was like we have so much in common meanwhile I was just in high school looking up all the things he liked and then just was like eating that and like listening to those music like literally I found his list of like favorite things and I was like this is me now I love that song too I guess so we're for each other thought we'd be together my mom would like watch a basketball game and like find the like hot guy on the team and she'd send it to me and I'm like mom that man's a monster that man will be just cheating on me before I've even dated him before and it's hilarious that you think that that's just what happens you just go on the court and you

say hi I like you I should be together and that's how what happens like she's acting like I'm lazy because I'm not like trying to date the guy in the next it's the same thing it's like it's the same as like having getting a load shot and you being like this is it we did it that's all to wrap this up final question okay and this is so perfect for you okay what advice would you give to people who are going through hell how do you cope with those dark times if you're going through hell first off welcome and it's not so bad if you lean in um lean in lean in baby like you are who you are you know um get it get a tan get some hot tamales um i through every time i've had mental crisis i found writing things down was super helpful because i couldn't express how i felt and the only

thing i could do is write things down it happened when i went through depression in high school I started writing stuff. With this infertility stuff, I started writing stuff. Just, just, just jot a couple things down, write a couple things down. Just try to throw some energy to somewhere else outside of yourself. And be vocal. Again, like you don't have to, you don't have to be alone. And chances are, there's no way you are. Like, you're not alone. And but so, so be vocal and see, see who's out there that might be able, that might be a few steps ahead of you that can help you that remembers what it was like where you were you express it express yourself yeah and don't know what you don't know what energy will come back you don't know you don't be there for you have to

throw things out into the universe and see what boomerangs back man you must i'm obsessed you're doing real good work out in these streets thank you um normalizing it speaking on it i'm so excited to watch your journey in comedy and fertility and everything thank you where can people follow you listen to you, watch you, give me the good buy tickets. Yes. I have in my Instagram, I've got ticket links for upcoming shows. It's at caseface B on Instagram. I'm also going to have

like when I get back from Scotland, I've got some gigs in like Boston and in Alaska and Boise and a couple other things that I'll put Alaska. It's in like November. I'm going to fucking freeze my dick off, but it's be great. And so yeah, I have at caseface B and shady shit comes out every Friday unless I don't put one out

because sometimes I get tired. Also, I didn't episode right yes while ago yes you did we talked about snapping snapping on summerhouse it was a good oh my god definitely go and listen to it yeah and then we started talking about celebrities that were also in cults that was another thing we went very on brand for me yeah i love when i look at my former self and i'm like you did good he made some good decisions back there yeah yeah yeah we had fun thank you for coming to this yes and to this you know fertility yeah um and truly my dms are open like i'm I am more than willing. It's never a weird question.

And you can ask me literally anything. And I will give you, I would tell you, nothing is off limits. We love that so much. See you guys next time in hell. Bye. Bye. Steve.