Berner Phone - Cat Cohen: Canon Events & Background Character Energy

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

The gorgeous Cat Cohen is in hell today to discuss her new live show, her demons, and top tier banter. Come to my stand-up shows: Newark, Tarrytown, Mashantucket, Westhampton, Austin, San Antonio, Dallas, Houston! Get tickets here!

Holy shit. I want to do one of these things where I say, like, I manifested this, but I just asked her to come on the pod. Okay, Kat Cohen, I've been obsessed with her for a long time. I feel like every girl is obsessed with you. You are. It's never enough. It's not enough. The whole universe and aliens and outer space needs to be obsessed with you as well. She's on Netflix, which is like casual, no big deal. You're working on a new show.

You have a book. Oh, my God. You're gorgeous. Oh, my God. Likewise. I'm so excited to be here. I have so much to talk to you about. We have so much.

We got to dive in. Tell me everything. I don't even know where to begin. I know what's your life story. You were in France. Oh, yeah. I was in. You know you're the queen of TikTok to me.

Shut up. You're the best one. No, shut up. Yeah. I really, no, no, no, shut up. Yeah, isn't she so good on it? I feel so safe. And the outfits.

When you say I feel so safe, that is so funny because being a creator is about gaining, like, trust. A hundred. Because if I'm going to stop your TikTok and put 20 seconds of my life into this bit, I need to know I'm going to get some dopamine out of it. A hundred percent. You do a good mix of, like, the interview stuff and then, like, the straight to cam, which is hard to. Thank you. It's hard to. It's my ADHD.

Oh, do you suffer from that? Suffer? I don't know if I think I thrive. I think I thrive. Me too. I also like I don't like to put myself in a box. Why would you? You know like powerhouse journalist? Absolutely not. I want to be saying stupid stuff to camera. A hundred. But your comedic style is so unique to me. It's so unique to me. It's unique to me too. I think I'm obsessed with you as a comic because like I can't sing. I think everyone can sing a little. Don't. Can you really not? My mom's like a jazz singer. Like she's... Your mom's a jazz singer? Yeah. Where is she? She's, and you guys have to do a little thing.

Like a Mother's Day moment. Where's your family? We grew up in Brooklyn, but now she's in Long Island. Okay, okay. So she's close. She's doing like restaurants and stuff. Does she give looks? What does she wear?

Oh, she serves it up on a fucking clatter. I need to see. She's like such a performer. That's so cool. Is your dad a performer too? He's like a joke story. Okay. So when you started doing this, they were like, that makes sense. For sure. I love how you're so good at turning this on me. And I'm so easily, like, about

to talk about myself. But I wouldn't even seen someone in like four years. You're like, I need to hear. And also, I went on your podcast. Oh, that was so pandemic. During dark, dark, depressing. I did black out, like, everything that happened that year. You were? I remember you being, like, a little sad on it. It was like a Zoom. And I remember us all just being like, this is unfortunate. Yeah, because it was a Zoom. and also like it wasn't like I had shitty Wi-Fi so I couldn't hear anything you guys were saying and comedy is so about like quick back and forth timing so someone says something and you're like no you're like and then you're like I'll go fuck myself the first big fight of the pandemic living with my boyfriend was I was like the Wi-Fi here is so fucking shitty and he's like oh I'm sorry

my parents cabin in the Berkshires is it nice enough for you you fucking bitch I was like I am a stupid horror I'm so annoying um we made up made it through but he was right and I was wrong I was like, oh, this place fucking sucks. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. We'd rather be in your studio apartment in Manhattan, you dumb bitch. You're like, do the birds ever, like, shut the fuck up? I know. What do they have to talk about all day?

Now I'm so nostalgic for it. I know. But that's life. We look back at everything. So classic. The worst times being like, but it was good. I know. I was like, I was so, like, real thin then because I was so sad.

Not that it matters, not that it's good or bad. No, not that it matters. No. Not at all. We're all working to love ourselves, aren't we? Yes. It's so hard. I do feel like even though our comedic styles are different and that I just talk to the mic and you are like doing all these crazy things, we have the same kind of like sense of humor.

Totally. Like we hit on, we hit on the same like mental health bullshit with a confidence behind it. A hundred percent. Yes. Because do you have parents who really love you? Yeah. Yeah, me too. We're so like, that's a trick.

It's like a shortcut. I feel like with comedy, there was so much of, like, if you're going to be a girl on stage, you have to make fun of yourself, hate yourself. Yeah. Where we're like, I can hate myself, but also be fucking hot. It's both. It's like a terrible... Because some days you're like, am I the most beautiful person who's ever lived?

And then three days ago, I'm like screaming, throwing pillows across the room, being like, oh, I'm the biggest fucking loser in New York City. Like, you can't win. No. And I guess to be in this career, maybe we have to have that, like, Dululu land. I know. We're so amazing, but then can so easily be pushed off to the lowest point in our life. I know.

I guess we have to get used to just feeling so much. The ups and downs. I think if we didn't feel, we wouldn't be. We wouldn't make. We'd be accountants. We would. Look at that. Can you even imagine?

What does it feel like? I remember when I saw you in Austin and you were like, I went to my bachelor party. I was like, okay, she's getting married. First woman alive to ever get married. Is it good or bad? It's, for me, it's so good. Okay, okay. Just wondering.

Because I'm like, I can't handle the, like, dating shit. Like, it's too much. I know. So, like, I'm glad. It's like a checklist and then it's gone. Like, that's out of my more brain space. But if you literally say, how's it feeling? I'm not wearing my wedding right now because I'm currently, like, having an allergic reaction to it.

Wow. Because I think the water was getting, I don't know. People are like, you have to take it off. I'm like, I'm not taking it off whenever I wash my hands. I pee seven times a day. I'll lose it. Do you wash your hands every time you pee? I do?

Do you? No, I swear. I don't. I have a little OCD. I have a little OCD. As in like I need my hands to always be super clean. Like if I eat something and my hands smell like rotissory chicken, like it'll drive me insane. Okay. Like I'll be like she can. Well, it's a good way to be. Yeah. But I don't, I feel like maybe, like maybe you were able to battle COVID better than I. No. I don't have I battled it. I succumbed. But my question to you is, did you start loving music? Did you start loving, acting, performing, or comedy,

because you've created this, like, your own genre. Oh, that's so nice. I really do. Like, when I watched your Netflix special, not to, like, fully deep throat your dick right now, I just remember being, like, this is a, like, cultural moment. Thank you so much. I have to tell you.

Thank you so much for talking about it on that pod, because that really makes a huge difference. Like, I don't remember which one, but I know I talk about it. It was on, um, morning toast. Morning toast. Because my cousins who don't. She loves you. My cousins who.

I don't think ever cared about me before. We're like, Yeah, Marnikas! I was like, I did it.

But it was kind of like Claudia love singing. She's fucking hilarious. Yeah. I was like, you'll fucking love this. I loved it, but thank you.

Oh, you just unlocked a sense memory once of, um, I shout out to my family. I would love, I would die for all of them. I do have a teen cousin

who I believe bullied me once on TikTok. Like it was before I even made a TikTok, but there was some clip, there was like a clip of me from some show I'd done. And it was, Is this your canon event?

What? People are calling it a canon event. What's a canon event? Something bad that had to happen to you in your life for you to become the person you are. No, this is child's play. I cannot. Oh my God, what's your canon event? I mean, I honestly think my canon event is just like not being classically hot.

And I've suffered every day. It's like in girls when she says, like, I've been 11 pounds overweight my whole life and it's ruined me. Isn't that the realest thing you've ever heard? I love her. I love her. Okay, she's having resurgence right now. Thank God. She deserves it.

Girls changed my life. 100%. And the fact that people were trying to dismiss it as art was truly disgusting. What did your cousin do you do? Okay, so my cousin, so I can't remember what it was. It was some clip from a show, and he commented just saying, that's my cousin. She's not that funny in real life. And I was so mad, but then it was like right for the pandemic.

Then the world actually shut down. And I was like, okay, I guess I don't care that my teen cousin's bullying me. It was sweet. My mom made him, like, sent me a message apologizing, which is... She went up to your mom about it. Oh, I was crying to my whole family. And I was saying, I'm being bullied by my own blood. Can you imagine?

The world's hard enough. No, but I feel like I have a younger brother who's, like, cool. How far apart are you? Like, 22 months. Oh, okay, you're twins. Like, literal twins. You're twin. Little twins. He's like in finance.

Is he hot? Very hot. Is he sing? Married with the child. Ew. And younger than, no, like he was born like a grown man. Like grumpy, like over it. Like I'd be silly at dinner and he's like, Hannah, like, stop.

Silly at dinner. Please stop. Title of memoir. That's a good one. Silly at dinner. He literally was so embarrassed by me in general. And then one of my like, a tweet went on Reddit. Oh, that's, well, that's a scariest thing that can happen to a person.

So I wouldn't wish that on anyone. No, I know. But, like, for a nerdy white boy, that's his mecca. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, not the hate side of Reddit, but more, like, I guess, like, video game strategies or something. Uh-huh. So, you know, he's one of them. You look like your on-Rit right now.

You're sitting in the chair. You're sitting in the chair. Reddit, yes. Video game now. Are you leaving hate comments on? I'm putting your tweets on your, on Reddit channel. He's like, I'm on his podcast. He's like, in person, not that great.

So he was like, hey, like, you're going viral on, like, some of my friends, like, Reddit. So, you just have to, like, buy him a gift and be like, this was from my Netflix deal. I've already used that all, obviously, on, like, one jumpsuit. Your fashion? I know. I feel the same about you. Wait, that's crazy. This is what I think about energies, because I subconsciously see your stuff and aspire.

Oh, well, I see your stuff, and I'm like, she rocks the low-rise in a way I can't. Low-rise pants? Yeah, you're rocking the low-rise. And, like, the maxi skirt. Yes. With the tube top. I think that's my thing. It's really cute.

Do you know why? I have a very long torso. Congratulations. How did you learn that? I did not know I had a long torso until in college a girl looked to me straight in eye and said you have a long-ass torso. That is the kind of thing that's a canon event. That is my canon event. When a stranger tells you about your body, it will never, ever leave you.

And with the long torso, you can imagine I have nubby legs. Oh, is that what that means? Okay. My shins are like three inches long. So I'm 5-7 and it's all torso. Me too. You know 5-7 is model height. Look at us.

Yes. It's the shortest you can be. It's like... Tyler than Lily Rose-D up. I am bigger than her in every way-shamed-shamed form. That doesn't differ. I didn't... First, there was no world in which I thought she was bigger than me, even up.

Even up. Like she is... And I say this was so much love. Amazing. She's an amazing talent. If she can walk a runway, so can we. You're right. So can we.

I was once on Avenue A. A man walked up to me, a stranger. I'll nerve because I remember exactly where I was standing, and he goes, you look like a swimmer. I was like, I don't think that's good. No offense to swimmers. I was like, I can swim if that's what you mean. You're like, do I have a fin? What are we talking about?

I think maybe a broad shoulder type thing. Sure, I'll take it. No, I've had a guy, like, I show up to a date and my legs are showing and he's like, you've strong legs. Whoa, that's tough. I'm not a fucking horse. He's like checking my gums. Strong legs.

But I do. I have very strong legs. But it's so funny how life is so your perspective. I did not know I had a long tour of someone short legs until someone told me that I'm like, has my whole life in a lie. Yeah. Every time I'm walking a room with someone like, there's nubby. That is what we were calling you. So then now I wear little tube tops.

Right, to elongate. To know, it makes it look like I have a shorter. As if the legs begin under the tits. Yes. Where they should. Where they should. That's what's natural. Yeah.

Are you a fitness? So I was a tennis player my whole life. Oh, right. Okay, okay. I think, oh, is Pat? No, Pat's into running. He's in your own, you know, my whole family's obsessed with tennis, if that means anything to you. They would love me.

Can I ask you, what is the culture of waiting for the courts on the West Side Highway? Oh, it's. Because I see it. But people live for it. People live for the drama. I want to be a part of it. They love the drama. Sometimes you need to pass. You need to get this like pass and then it's good for like the year, which like is a lot of admin.

But it's a lot of like you get in your, a line. Yeah. But like sometimes people get a little sass. seat. Do they? And then it's funny because I'm like, I'm a player. You know, I'm here to play. Totally. So then I'm waiting for people who like don't even know the rules to the game and I have to bite my lip and say you go first. How long does everyone get once they're on the court? One hour. And then you're off. And everyone is timing your ass. Like the second hits an hour you go. So people sit there what? Like reading for four hours waiting for the court? Or just

staring at you. That's it. So do you frown upon pickle? I don't because I haven't played it yet. But a lot of tennis players look down upon it. I'm afraid to play pickle because I feel like I'm going to love it. Yeah. It's so fun. It's like why I don't want to smoke a cigarette. You've never have. Never have?

Because I don't trust myself. Never done cocaine. Really? Because why would I want to start at 30? Imagine if I start getting addicted to cocaine at 30. I actually do. I was really scared of drugs for a long time. Then I feel like during peak quarantine, I was like, I don't know.

You're just coked up in your apartment alone. I was literally like, I'll do anything. So I was just like trying things I know. ever would have tried. Really? Yeah, I didn't love, um, I have tried cocaine, no offense. Yeah. No offense to cocaine.

Cocaine's gonna cancel you. My mind is just some, it's more just like thinking of like, it's more that it makes you awake so you can drink more. And it's like that's the least, the last thing I need to do. No. Just keep drinking. I, um, did, actually, I lied to you. I did take a bump.

Mm-hmm. I was going to say a hit. A bump of cocaine. Sure. At my betcha party before I saw you. Oh, wow. And I did seem really energized four days later. It lasted all week.

The second I took it up my nose, I started getting a nose bleed. And I said, I'm an angel. I'm too pure. Yeah. And God did not want this for me right now. You're dressed in all white. I assume. Just in all white, blood everywhere.

And I said, this was the devil trying to bestow itself upon me. Yeah, there's nothing good. There's nothing good. No. You had me on your show at Moon Tower. Yes. Which, I don't know if I was forced to go on it or some. I don't know how it works, but I was so honored.

It was so, that was really fun that festival. It was like a really good lineup. That feels like 17 years ago. Fully. We were embryos. I know. Where are we now mentally? Oh, I know what you mean.

First of all, I know what you mean. It's actually, it's really good to be here because I, so because I'm doing my show all month, I've been a complete hermit. Yes. I've done something really scary and I want to own up to this. I've started watching Game of Thrones for the first time. I'd never seen it. Alone.

fully alone. You have like a notepad because it gets very confusing. It is a little confusing. My boyfriend's seen it, so he'll like kind of pop in and out and then I'll call him and be like, I'll send him text just like,

oh my God, what did they do to Ricken? What did they, like what's happening? I've watched almost six seasons in like three weeks. It's really scary. Wow. Because if I'm doing my show every night, I have to just be like monk.

No, you're so right because when I'm traveling, when I'm on the road, people think I'm like so busy. I'm in bed. You have to be. The entire day. People are like,

so what did you do? today? It's so embarrassing. They're like, did you see the sights? Oh, please. Of, no, there's no sites. There's about two good cities in this country. I'm sorry. Everyone's going to get mad of me. Everyone's going to get mad of me. No, but like, I think there's a good brunch spot and a good like thrift shop sometimes that I'd like to maybe find if I'm in like a superior mood, like something abnormal has happened with my day. Well, if you're there one day when you get there. Or if I'm there like two to three days. I'm doing nothing during the day. I love that for you. I got in a big fight with my ex because I started watching Game of Thrones season six.

You jumped in at season six. It was like season five or something because that's what was like playing at the time. And he's like, you can't do that. And I was like, no, I'm not like abiding by a law. Like I'm just supporting you. And he's like, you can't start watching. So I just start watching from the beginning while also watching from season five. So that's why I never understood it.

That would make it very confusing. Yeah. I have never been into fantasy stuff. I'm like, there's enough going on here. But I'm really, it's just, it's nice, I knew I would need something that I, that would make me look forward to going home because I'm being so, like, antisocial right now. Yeah. But it's funny because, because I'm watching with Brian and he'll be like, oh my God, I remember I watched this when Trump got elected, like this episode. I'm like, don't, this is so great.

And so I'm actively talking about Game of Thrones in 2023 and I have to stop. But I feel like nostalgia is so in right now. Yeah, but nostalgia. We have to wait a little longer. Yeah, I feel like 90s is, even early 2000s is nostalgia. Like, we should watch girls over again. Are people watching, like, Vanderpump from the beginning? I've never seen it.

Okay. Yeah. I don't know. But, you know, Vanderpump and Game of Thrones are very similar. I can see that. There's a lot of backstabbing. Yeah. A lot of boobs, a lot of blood.

A lot of drinking. I love all those things. It's the same. Game of Thrones and Vanderpump is the same show. What's your sign? What do you think my sign is? Well, are we like, are we both 1991? Oh, that's so nice.

Are we the same person? Thank God. I know. I'm Leo. I'm Leo. Really? Mm-hmm. What are you?

I'm August 12. Are you serious? I'm August 11th. I'm full body, Chilis. I'm FBC. Are we Twin Flames? That's crazy. Did you listen to that podcast? Which one? Do you like true crime? Yes. I have to stop because I know it's really bad for my brain, but there's a great podcast called Twin Flames about this cult that like convince people.

I won't spoil it. It just look. It's really good. It's cheesy as fuck. I think I heard of it. Yeah. So are you the same as me, Scorpio Rising? No. Virgo Moon, Scorpio Rising? I'm Virgo Moon Pisces rising He doesn't care He's so confused I'm like looking Why aren't you freaking out about this information

Virgo Moon? Oh my God Your audience right now So I keep looking at you And you're just like No The girl is listening totally understand So that's why we built a business

Because we're Virgo Moon So Virgo Moon means like We will work our little butts off And be so evil to ourselves So mean Are you mean to yourself? Yes Okay

But I've gotten better Like, this whole podcast has been about, like, living in your own hell in your minds. Yeah. And the second I realized I didn't have to, like, bully myself and I could just let, like, my cousins bully me, it became, like, I was like a cheat code. Oh. So do you work out? Because you said your tennis.

Oh, oh, yeah, working out. Because, like, that's, like, unfortunately the thing that really helps. I can't. I haven't, I'm going to be honest with you guys. I haven't worked out in for revs. Yeah. Which is crazy because I'm a person that worked out our whole entire. life like crazy. That makes sense. I've kind of burnt myself out, A, and B, with like

routine, my lifestyle so crazy, I have no routine right now. I know. So I can't be like, oh, Pilates on Wednesdays. It is impossible to have a routine. Yes. And then I did have an unfortunate, a couple injuries. Oh no, when? I was skiing. I hurt my hands. Your hand. Yeah, so I couldn't. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Would you, do you land it on it or something? That sucks. No, it's my right hand. It was really, it was horrible. Like, I was, I'm Yeah, it was, like, texting was... I'm like, where were you skiing? We were, um, it was, oh, it was nice.

It was in, um, Whistler. Oh, my God, if you ski out of the country, that's a whole... No, no, no, no. My husband's, like, helicopter skiing, like, he's crazy, and I really... Oh, yeah, isn't he Irish? Yeah, I tried to be something I wasn't. Helicopter skiing? Yeah, he wants to get, like, tossed out of helicopters, and...

No. No, ma'am. But I really, like, at what point in your relationship do you stop doing things to make him like you. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. See, I was like married to him and I have that like thing where I want. I learned at a young age that when I was good at sports, my dad liked me. So I'm like, okay, I'm athletic. I should learn skiing. My husband will literally be like jerking off being like, wow, my wife is such a good skier. It is hot. I learned how to ski and I don't understand it. Oh, you learned as an adult. Yeah. I think it's boring and scary at the same time.

that's quite a feat yeah and then he basically was I was like really tired and he's like come on it'll be great the sun's out and I was like I don't want to be freezing and falling yeah and I think I subconsciously hurt myself I never ever want to be near one of those it wasn't fun that is scary it's actually super no it's so dangerous everyone wear my hand was freezing my hand was freezing because it was just like my hand got frostbitten what do you what did they do to you it was I just don't. Did you break it? I thought it was broken, but it was basically every knuckle was demolished.

Not the knuckles. I haven't skied since. And honestly, sometimes you have to have bad things happen to you to get boundaries in your life. Canon. Canon. The canon. Long torso injured knuckles. She's been through so much.

Wait, so after the pandemic. Yes. Oh, no. This is what I've heard about you, like on the streets. I'm so scared. I heard your cousin called me. And he told me, but basically you went to Edinburgh. Yes.

And if people don't know, it's Fringe Fest. It's where, like, you can, if you're great, your show can, like, really catapult your career. It's also just, like, the best place in the world. It's incredible. Are you going to go this year? I don't think I am. Would you go? Would you do it?

I think I would. Dez has done it, like, 400 times. Yeah. It's interesting when your partner is, like, to him, he's like, oh, yeah, like, I've done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and he's like, you know, it's a lot of work and da-da-da, but your show killed it. You got a Netflix special probably, like, part of people being like, holy shit, this show's great. Yeah, I think it always feels like, oh, I did this one thing and I got this thing.

And it's not like, no, I mean, in reality, I was doing that show in New York for like two and a half years before I took it over. And, like, I was talking with Netflix before I went over. Amazing. And then it was kind of about, with that, it was like, you'd meet with them. They'd be like, send us a video. We'll come see you. We'll come see you again. was a very long process. Wow. So, yeah, I guess it might, it might feel like, oh, boom, boom,

boom. But in reality, it was like years, as it always is, like years of work. So you, and then we you're newly discovered. Yeah, I'm new in town. You popped off. Yeah, I did the fringe. And then yeah, and then after that, like a few months after that, it was like, okay, it's going to happen. We're going to do the special. And then we were set to shoot early 2020. I know. And then the pandemic hit. I know. And at the time, I was like, of course, I was like, I'm so burnt out. I can't wait to, like, chill for a few weeks. Yeah.

Then everything collapsed. I'm just so, so grateful we got to shoot it. Like, the day we shot it, I was like, I can't believe this is real. Like, it was, that was then, like, three, four years after I first did it. It's such a beautiful, unique story. Because, yeah, what I heard around town was, like, she was ready to film it. They're all talking shit. It was, like, more than like, let them talk.

Let them talk. It was, like, an impressive thing, though, that, like, you were so ready to film it. everything was lined up and then you got fucked and then you had to basically wait for them to give you the okay again which also like when people go to shoot a special they have like a whole process of like shows up to that point and like having reps and like it's actually crazy you've been performing it forever but then you're a different person after the canon event of the pandemic I was as Pat would say I was living in a bigger body um which was fine which is fine but I was kind of like like I also was like I was like I was like this show is about my 20s and I was like

wait I'm filming it I just turned 30 my life's over no but I did I literally thank God I had a recording of like the last show I didn't remember I just listened to it and I like remembered who I was it was like it was like coming out of a coma I'm being like what makes me interesting and funny because I didn't remember that's what I was scared about like how did she like be the same with that material and remember it the same way like even just like how you the rhythm of the voice of how you say it all. It's like riding a bike. But yeah, you fucking nailed it.

Thank you. I want to get back to your fashion, though. What's your inspo? What's the story you're telling with your outfits? I think it's just like stuff I would have worn when I was dressing up as like a little girl, like princessy, fun, glam. And just getting back in touch with that girl. I've always liked like over the top and like vintagey.

Yes, same. Just like the more sequins, the better. I love the inner child work you're doing right now. Right. Oh. How are you different than the little girl? I think, I start crying. I think I'm exactly the same.

And there was like a gap in between where the world, as I'm trying to know, wants to like, yeah, I'm like wearing like tomboy clothes, like big shirts and like because I was like cool and, you know, just being a different person. I was like a weird Christian for a while. That was interesting. You know, you go through phases. Was it a guy? Like you dated.

I wish a guy was dating me. Oh, no. It was Jesus. It was the guy named Jesus. No, I'm from Texas. So it's like cool to be Christian. Oh my God, I totally blocked out that you're from Texas. It's not normal.

Because in my head, you're from the Upper East Side. Thank you. Or not. I do think if I was from the Upper East Side, I wouldn't be a comedian. I think you have to be from somewhere weird or, you know. No, for sure. The term misfit was coming to mind, but I was like, I'm a very normal girl at the end of the day. But I, you know, you do feel like, oh, I don't fit in.

So you're funny or whatever. Yeah. What made you think you could get a Netflix special? Wait, that was half a sentence What made you think? That you could get a Netflix special doing something that you don't see anyone else doing on Netflix

because that's powerful. Thank you so much. It's not even like that. It's just like this, as you said, DeLulu situation where I was just like, as soon as I started doing it, I was like, so I was doing theater and stuff, I started doing stand-up.

And I was like, I really miss singing and doing musicals and all that. I was like, oh, I'm going to try and write funny songs, which is, of course, a nightmare. Most funny songs. are humiliating but once I started doing it I was like oh I think this is working and then it was just like boom and I was like in my mind I had no I wasn't questioning myself at all I was like this is amazing I'm gonna do a special this is going here I was like I'm

going to the fringe I'm gonna win the award it's all happening I was just like completely sure I don't know I just got chills thank you thank you for people who like look up to you like I want to accomplish it like that but like are paralyzed by anxiety it's so much about the I start smoking a cigarette the work work? Just focus on what you're making, not on how it's going to be received or where it's going. The journey, not the results. Yeah, because I think also we know it's like, now there's like a new streaming service every day. So even if you were like, I'm going to have a Netflix special. It's like, Netflix might disappear in five seconds. So it's about being like, I want to make this

thing that's undeniable, as they say. Yeah, I always told my, like, one of my friends, I was like, if you had some, they were like, I just need the right opportunity, the right opportunity. I'm like, if you had a cast and director right now, see you. Are you ready? Yes. And they're like, no, but you're focusing too much on like what would have to happen for the end goal when it's like, no, no, no. I always say it's like karma. It's so much more beautiful. Yes.

It's so much more beautiful when you let it happen than when you force what you want. God has a much more, as you know, as a Christian, God has a much more beautiful plan for you. I always say I don't do five-year plans because I'm like, we don't even know what technology is going to be out there. I know. Yeah, you're an amazing example because you've built like this. You have so much content. You make so much stuff.

It's just like, come for me, bitch. Like, I'm fucking indeniable. Look at what I make. I think you're right. It's because I like making stupid videos. Yeah. Like, if I was making no money, I would be like, I want to make a stupid video today. Yeah, exactly.

It's not easy being us. Some days aren't you so tired? I'm so tired. I'm always tired. Yeah, do you ever, like, pause? I am fortunate that I'm with an older man who's very tired. How much older is he? He's 15 years.

That's so hot. Oh, my God. No, so hot. Don't get me started. I can't. Yeah, like I'm so obsessed with him. My boyfriend's only one year older than me. He's basically like your little cousin.

My life fucking sucks. My life sucks dick and ass and pussy. No, but what's so funny because I'm kind of lying? He has way more energy than me. Like, he's... Well, he's jumping out of hellies. He's jumping out of hellies. I'm worried about him.

Like, so worried about him. What are we running from, babe? Yeah, true. Where did you meet? I know I asked you this already. He did he get me during the pandemic. That's so hot. Because he saw me in the, and wrong.

He saw him. And the cops are coming for him. No, literally, I'm like, there's important things happening. He saw me in the background of Nikki Glazer's Instagram story once and added me. I thought he was going to ask me a podcast. Never did. Never did. He asked you for your hand in marriage.

Yes. That's crazy. Which was not feminist of him. Yeah. He should let you do it. Wait, that is so beautiful to all your listeners. Just know that you can be in the background of an Instagram story and get a husband. That's, that's star power.

That's the thing. What were you doing in the background. What I'm picturing is you were like, like your like low your skirt was lower than ever your little tube tube was like he said that he liked my lips he thought I had filler you do have a good congratulations and I was like thank you do do do any so I'm 31 yeah I'm 31 yeah same I haven't touched it yet yeah what are we thinking yeah what are we thinking I'm asking the girls what are we doing I know page every single week talks about the Botoc she's going to get

she hasn't gotten it I'm always yeah I'm yeah It's a question. Because there is that, like, thing once you cross that, again, it's like a cigarette. Where are we going to be? Yes. You also naturally have a gorgeous youthful glow to you. Thank you. I think what I have is, I say this with love, a really round face, which does serve me.

It really makes, it gives you a youthful, like the cheeks are. Yes, your cheeks are gorgeous. But also you're, yeah, you just have nice cheekbones in general. Do you ever feel like if you got Botox on stage, the joke won't hit as hard? No, that's like the least of my worries I'm like People are laughing when I go like It helps

But I feel like We're always going to be funny It doesn't matter We're always going to be smart I don't know Yeah I'm torre I do think it's good My point of you right now is like

Start later So I'll always look like a little old Yeah Because there is a thing And I say this with so much love Towards everyone But it's like If you start too young

You just look older For sure In a creepy way And well yeah because you stop, when you do a ton of it a little bit, next thing you know, you don't see the difference, and other people are like, whoa, I know, you're frozen, you look like a lizard. And I can't wait. I like being older and non-sexualized. You want to be non-sexualized?

I don't like being sexualized. Have you always felt that way? Yeah. Why? I like being sexualized by, like, my husband, and, like, that's it. That's so powerful. I want to be, like, treat, like, a sex object by everyone I meet. It's such a bad quality.

No, like, I can't wait until I walk in a room and, like, no man notices me. And I can just, like, talk as, like, a respected older person. But I don't know. That's, like, my own demons. Well, so were you not boy crazy growing up? Oh, no, I was very boy crazy. But, like, I was like, this is such a super story. It was, like, middle school where, like, the guys would be like, what's up, girls?

And then they'd be like, can I get a hug? And I would be like, no. Yeah. Like, I was that girl. Right. Well, the other girls are like, yeah. And I was like, no, like, you, no, I'm not like that. But I was also, I was prude.

Oh, why? Because I was, like, playing tennis all the time. I was a tennis nerd. Oh, athlete girl. Yeah. No time for men. No time. My dad was like, don't let them distract you.

I love that because my dad also, my dad once sent me a Facebook message, TBT. He said, I was really upset about a breakup. And he goes, first of all, I was like, I'm going to go to therapy because I'm sad on my breakup. He goes, find one that makes you not care about any one boy too much. Amazing advice. Find a therapist. That makes you not care about anyone boy too much.

But what he said was, this is a direct quote, you're on a rocket ship called success. Don't be tied down by some dude. A feminist icon. I know. My dad, okay, dads are so wild. Once my dad told, this was something stupid. It must have been like middle school.

And he goes, he said something like, everyone's going to have to put on sunglasses because you're shining. Yes. And I was like, he was right in the back of an Instagram story. You've shown so bright. You know what? We have to talk about that. Let's stop normalizing main character energy all the time because two girls...

It has to stop. It actually... People are deranged. You agree? Yeah, I actually feel like I contributed to the problem. Same. No, because we are both so main character energy and I'm like, I'm out. I did it enough.

I've gotten in trouble with it. Yes. I've hurt myself from it. Yes. Let's normalize sometimes being like this season, I'm in the back. Yes. I'm vibing. I don't have a lot of lines.

I'm nourishing, I'm getting my energy. I don't have to be involved in every fucking thing that happens in the world. Yeah, I also think there's this thing of like, you can own it and be like, I'm hot, but there's some, I feel like there's this energy on social media now that's like, I'm hot, fuck you, go fucking die. It's like, whoa, like, it's a little bit scary. I'm like, you can love yourself and still like be empathetic and like listen to other people. I don't know.

Is that bad? I live in constant fear of saying the wrong thing, but it's a bit. it's a bit much as and as in like tic-tok yeah it's giving like too much confidence is there something as positive positivity too much confidence but too much like um oh like uh hate towards or like um using putting others down to build yourself up or something which sounds like very old are we allowed to make fun of short men are we allowed to make fun you can make fun of most things Okay. Short, I don't think we should make fun of short men.

Yeah. I think we should make fun of tall men. Yes. I think it's established their time in the sun is over. Their time blocking the sun. I used to be, oh my God, I used to be such a sucker for it. And honestly, I mean, let's still, let's be real. Sometimes you see someone walking down the street and you're like, I want to bounce on it.

But it's so funny where you're like, if he was a foot shorter, I would be disgusted. Oh, disgust. Because sometimes, now I'm doing mean, but I'm like, there's tall guys with some really fucked up faces and I want to sit on. sit on so much. I want to suffocate some weird faces of tall guys. But then these tall guys, they don't develop personalities because they're used to people just being like, you're tall, and then they go, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And then you're like, do you want to be together? Yeah, there's some nice, there's some good ones out there, but in general, I agree. Yeah. Yeah, down with main, a little bit down with main character energy. It's so funny because I think, yeah,

we flew too close to the side. Yeah, I definitely did. I think there's something, maybe I should, I should listen to my own advice. but there's some merit to quiet confidence as well, even sexier, and not needing to be at every event, not needing to be in everything, not needing to be, like, having your moment every time. Wow, we're getting somewhere.

Well, it's hard. It's also me talking to myself because I think, I'm sure you feel this way too. It's like in this biz, in this town, once again, I'm smoking a fake cigarette, you see other people, like, you see people have their moments and you start to get jealous, and then you're like, okay, we're still a lot. We're playing the long game here, so there's going to be times that I'm up, there's going to be times when I'm way down, a few times when no one cares about anything, and that's fine. Well, life is all these moments.

And let's be honest, the actual moments, I wouldn't say are, like, happiness. They're a high. Happiness is, like, the in between where, like, can you day to day be okay? Obviously, it's fun to be like, oh, I got named in this article. And, like, I had this feature. It's dopamine, yeah. It's a dopamine hip, but it's not, like, the sustainable happiness. And also, social media is so fucked up now.

Like, I love meeting people in person now. Yeah. Because, like, I'll see someone who I'm like, their life is so fucking good. And I'm like, okay, I need to meet them in person. I spend three minutes with them. And I'm like, they're human. They're hating it. Yes.

And you just, like, cannot believe what you see. Which sounds so corny because I hear it everywhere. I know. It's so true. Well, also, or you see people who are online, like, they're always writing these, like, snarky comments or being a little bitch. Then in real life, they're just like, hey, how are you? I'm like, oh, you're completely different.

Well, you know, the internet's full of people being, like, snarky bitches. And then you walk around all day and you're like, these people, people wouldn't be online. They're like, then where are they? No, they're everywhere. Yeah. People are actually nice in real life. It's crazy.

I know. I just had a similar experience. I went to lunch with a friend. I was like, oh my God, your trip looks so amazing. I'm so jealous. She was like, most depressed have ever been in my life. I was like, duh. It's every cliche is true.

Every cliche is true. There's nothing original that could be said. But when are you the happiest? Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. When I'm just petting my cat. Oh, that's tough.

I'm allergic. Yeah. So you don't have a dog, do you? You have no hope. Um, doesn't I foster when we can? Oh my God, I just foster. You know, well, Pat adopted my foster. Miss, formerly, the artist formerly known as Miss Cookie.

Yeah. Her name is now April Dreams. April Dreams also known as Miss Cookie in a past career. And before that, she was named Inchalada. So she's been through many. Wait, I love enchilada. But now she has her forever home, her forever name. With Pat.

Yeah, it's, you have to be here. Wait, I did see this saga. She's so cute. Because we don't have time. I would love a little hairy chihuahua that I bring her on the road with me. That's my favorite, too, the long-haired chihuahua. That's my dream. That's my everything.

Does not support women in the arts. Yeah, I heard that. And doesn't let me do it. But I'll be, like, sitting in a green room alone. And I'm like, if I only had a hair chihuahua. Right? It's so lonely. No, but then imagine me just, like, telling the feature and opener, just watch my chihuahua.

I was going to say, like, when you're touring, though, you like, yeah. I feel like they would love that. No one's mad to watch a cute chihuahua. No way. It just can't be barky. So how often do you get to see does? He's in Ireland right now. And how often do you go over there?

So now do you have dual city? Occasionally. I think eventually. That's so much the dream, isn't it? Don't you just want to be like in a moor? Like in a cliff? Oh my God, the cliffs. People don't talk about it.

Also, the food's really good. You've been to Ireland. Is the food good? I'm a breakfast girl. Oh, interesting. I love like the coffee, the eggs. Bloody bacon. Yeah, the bloody sausage black, whatever.

Puttings. Yeah, come and, yeah. I thought it was like a risotto and they're like, this is the innards. It's so good. It's so good. I love animals and I... Hot take. This is the first time I'm wearing camo.

Oh, it's really working. Thank you. But I was always really against it because I love animals. Uh-huh. But I eat meat. Yeah. So I was like, you're being hypocritical

wear the camp. But I don't want to promote hunting. But I eat meat every day, so I'm like... It's nothing I'm not... Cammo is now like a fashion thing. It's not promoting. hunting. Okay. Because I felt like walking around, I'm like, I'm a hunter. Yeah, I think everyone thinks you're about to go, like, knock off some quail or something. No ducs. No pigeons better

coming my way because I'm coming for them. Did you know there was a pigeon in my apartment? New York lore. What's its name? No, the other day, look up. I'm like, what's that sound? A full pigeon. Wait, that's my nightmare. Inside, inside. It was, I was screaming. No, the window wasn't even, the scary thing is it wasn't that open. So I was like, when's the last time it was open and how long has she been here? It was really hard to get her out. I was screaming You know why? Because I saw the staircase

Yes An owl theory Remember that? What's the owl theory? Owl theory was the theory That he didn't kill her She was marred by an owl I'm sorry

It was a big theory online She was mar maimed by an owl I don't believe that Because why wouldn't he say that? There were feathers in the house But then why There were feathers Why wouldn't he in the house

Say that? I think it was like a last stitch effort I don't know Oh my God I'm obsessed I'm so obsessed with you crying but it's become a it's I'm over we have to we have to let it go because it's like it's bad for our brains and stuff do you really think I think it's really bad for our brains I got really depressed yesterday because I watched a documentary don't watch it don't watch it I'm gonna watch it it's called like is Maya okay

or saving Maya doesn't sound good no sounds like she's not she's not okay but you should watch the Natalia Grace documentary what's that who's that do I sound stupid no you don't no no it's new you have to watch it even if it's the last one you watch it Okay. It's on, they now call it Max. Oh, for sure they do. Because I'm trying to watch my game of, get my Game of Thrones fix. They're making me download a new app on my brother's Roku. I'm in hell. You're having a fair with a man named Max now. Yeah, I'm literally am with Max.

So it's on Max, and it's similar to the story of the orphan where these people adopt this girl from the Ukraine. I've heard it's crazy. I've chose. But it becomes much more complicated. Like at first you're like, oh, she's a demon child, and then you're like, who's actually the bad guy. And I love when the villain, it's like, they kind of. edit it like someone's the villain and then it's like not that and then it's not that and you're just like I can't wait is who's you know what there's three sides to every story I'm obsessed okay once I rip through a few more seasons of Game of Thrones I'm on it yeah this is my thing what do you think is more harmful for your brain game of Thrones vanderpom uh-huh or a true

crime documentary I don't think Game of Thrones is harmful for your brain you're thinking of all the blood and stuff I feel like at least it's like a storyline you're like learning lessons there's themes you're invested in character arcs mm-hmm um It's true crime or vanderpump for me. But I haven't seen Vanderpump, so I can't speak to it. Okay. I don't know. I know you don't want to offend any communities right now.

I'm going to always trying not to offend any communities. The Vander Pump. Okay. We're going to play a final game. Okay. Because you're crushing it. That's exciting. It's called The Seven Deadly Sins.

Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Everything. Is that the question? Yeah. Food. What's your guilty pleasure? I'm so, I have, I mean, I obviously have a horrible relationship with food.

I'm savory. Savory, savory, too. Like, my, well, you know, my favorite thing is in the winter especially to order from Ivan Raman, they deliver. Yes. And really just like, I sit at my coffee table on the floor and I just like slurp, like, the savory, like with chili oil. I love that. And some people would look down upon doing takeout ramen, but they bring it separate. They do it right. I agree. It's not ideal, but I like to-

100% but I like to eat alone because I'm disordered. Yes. So I want to like be really animal. I want to be like crouched like a beast when I inhale it. I hate like early dates with people when you have to like think about how you're going to eat the food. Drinks, I actually, for better for worse, I'm always really like when I'm first in love with someone, I can't eat a single bite. I was like all I just like I just like flit about like what's like I just like I'm too high I'm too like yeah you've too too much adrenaline to eat oh it's such a good and bad feeling it's so bad but it's so good how is your relationship with food evolved now in your early 30s well I never forget I went on

the South Beach diet when I was 15 and so I was so scared of bread for so long but in the past like honestly like 10 years I'm just like I cannot diet there's is no way I can diet. No. So it's more that I struggle with, like, binging. Yeah. And then feeling guilty and trying to restrict, but I just see whatever I want. Do you see stuff online?

Because there's a lot of girls on TikTok who, like, talk about disordered stuff. I know. And they do what I eat in the day and, like, they think they're helping, don't you? I hate, like, maple cream soy brownies. It's like, okay. And then you're like, you can't live your life like that. Like, every meal is like, and then I cut up raw tuna. I make a, and I'm like, no, you don't. Do you have a job? I know, I know. I'm trying to, like, cook more while I'm in town, but it's, I don't cook. Yeah, I never do. Do you have a kitchen? Yeah. Yeah. You're like, no, I have a kitchen. A full, yeah. I had a mini fridge for three years. I finally have a full-size fridge. But, yeah, all that stuff makes me sad. I'm like, I'm like, I'm not going to make a faux brownie. I'm just going to, like, have a brownie. Yes. Yes. But I understand why people want to do. I do, there are certain things I'm like, oh, I would love to, like, balance.

my hormones and like be in a good mood which I know food is a part of that but it's just too much work no and you'll watch like a two-minute video being like my whole entire life changed once I decided to do this and then you're like okay I could do I could do that oh yeah I could do I don't know if I can do that and then you're either like I'm changing my life to my morning which you forget yes or you go to cherry jose you buy a bunch of shit don't eat it never the rotting it's the classic image of like the rotting kale or like the rotting wilting arugula i once bought those like noodles that are like zero calories kill me never open that's the worst taste in the world that's worse than water i'd rather eat only water than zucchini noodles like you can make a like a turkey sauce

of that and i was like who i don't know who this girl is that like decides i'm going to buy it because she's never the one that actually eats it all i can picture is like when you make those in the pan and there's so much water they're just like where does this part go like it's disgusting hugs. Oh my God. Or my TikTok, too, is all, like, it wants me to do, like, this every day. Yeah. I always do. Do you do, like, lymphatic drain? I actually did it before. Yeah. I mean, just because it, like, it kind of feels good. Do you do it on yourself or do, like, do you go get a massage? Once I got it, like, done. Yeah. But my thing is, I feel like they'll be like, if you just touch this pressure point and you rub it, like, all your past traumas will disappear. Like, I don't believe it. I know, but I love that. I'm always, like, shaking my hips trying to cry. Like, I love that.

They're like, all your trauma is in your heads. They love it. It's dangerous. Did you get professional lymph on your face or body? I've just done my face, not my body. Where do you do? Because I actually would like to do that. I'll tell you the place.

I'll tell you the info. I forgot what it was, but it was like, Angela something. I found it on Yelp. It was like fine. Paige said that she's done like full body stuff. And she basically was like, you then, when you're done, you have to drink like tons of water, which I don't, I didn't sign up for that. I want to be massaged, get the fat, whatever.

I don't need to drink water for four days. Like, that's too much for me. That's too much of a commitment. I also don't like water. Really? So I didn't realize. That's my biggest toxic trait. Really?

If I drank water, my life would be, who knows where I'd be right now? I'd be president. I'd be president. Interesting. But I need to drink it more. Yeah, I love it. I was talking about if we like water or not. It's so fucking stupid.

I went once for a limp body. First of all, they charged me like $500. Yeah. They wrap me in ceramic. Made me wear, you know, when they give you, like, underwear to wear they, like at a, sometimes they're like a fancy spot, they'll be like a little thumb. Like a little paper thong. I'm like, this would fit over my ankle. My ass is like squeezing out of this paper thong. I'm wrapped in ceramic wrap. I'm like, this sucks. And then they

charge you for it? Yeah. But a face feels good. I love face gym. Yes. Oh my. Can they sponsor us? Can they sponsor us? Like $400. I did the talks in L.A. That's what I did. The talks in L. And I sat down and they were like, they started with a, you know, New York. They were very just like, okay, let's get started. In L.A., they were like, what is your purpose today? Yeah. What are we bringing to this? And I was like, it's 10 a.m.

I'm not like reflecting on anything. Just fucking grind my fucking jawline. Yeah, make me forget my name. And they were like, you are worthy? They literally told me you are worthy during it. And I was like, you are. I reached out to this new therapist because I need help more. I need help more.

Yeah. And they were like, thank you. They responded to my. email, they're like, thank you for your strength and vulnerability and reaching out. I was like, I'm not working this person. Do you like L.A.? I love L.A. because I'm like such a New York City rat. Yeah. And I've only been like six times. It's always like things where I like had something to do. Not anything great, but like I had a podcast or something. Yeah. So in my head I'm like, it's like a fun. And I'm like the shiny new toy to the people out there. Totally. Like my friends are like,

you're never here. It's really fun. And so I've only done like, Six-day stints, but I'm still depressed when I'm there. Yeah, yeah, of course. For sure. When you go there and you tell them you live in New York, aren't they like, I used to live in New York, I miss it, I miss it. I'm like, you can go back. No, once a guy in L.A., like one of the guy comics was like,

yeah, they respect the guy comics in L.A. in New York. They respect, okay, for sure. I was like, what are you talking about? It's like, yeah, they're just like, you know, the guy comics are really killing. It's hard to be a man in L.A. right now. Oh, poor thing. Send your prayers his way.

I was like Army Hammer is doing fine. What are you talking about? Do you like L.A.? No. No. I like my friends there, but I like living here. Yeah. That was my question.

Yeah. I agree. Do you think you'll be here forever? I would love to get a like four-month project in L.A. I would love to someone be like, we need you in L.A. for this. Yeah, that's nice. And then come back. Yeah.

That sounds like heaven. But I have like my family's here. I know. You're lucky. I have, yeah. Yeah. Also, when the lady said you are worthy, that's, I know that I've been puking in a bathroom before, and, like, a random stranger has said that to me, you know?

That's, like, the kind of thing that in the girls' bathroom, they're like, you're amazing. Oh, no, you're amazing. And you're like, but everything's my am I. Oh. Sorry about that. It's so hard to be alive. I know. Who are you envious of?

So many people. But that's crazy to me. Aren't you? Or do I sound crazy? No, I feel like I have trigger people. Oh, don't you love that? It doesn't even make sense. Yeah, you don't know why.

There's no logic behind it. I'm just like, oh, that person wants me to die. And I'm like, God is testing you by giving this person a book deal or something. I'm like, fuck this. Like, you think they did it to make you mad? I'm envious of people also who have like a nice house. I really am craving like a nice home lately.

Like I want a house one day. I really want a house. I want a house upstate. Ooh, yes. With a cloth tub. I see that for you. Thank you. For sure.

No, I was always like, I wasn't like a self-care. person like i was always just like grind grind treat yourself like shit grind and then i'm like wait people find happiness just creating like an oasis around them and i was like wait you you can do that for yourself do you do you like your apartment i have a great apartment it's um i wish it was bigger but the location can't be beat being in the west village and i just my brothers live in my building yes so it's it's just the best and your brothers don't believe you like your cousin they don't they're so sweet are they younger older they're both younger and i'm sure my cousin regrets what they said and sends me love and I send them love back. All the listeners

just start leaving hate comments on her. Oh my God. They'll never know because I have a lot, a lot of cousins. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Oh, my God, wrath or anger? I'm like, yesterday. I'm annoyed with someone. I'm annoyed with someone in a professional context. Do they know that you're annoyed at them? No. Don't you love those one-sided fights? I think they know I'm annoyed. It's more of the, like, I've been working with someone on this thing, and they're just, like, not... Yeah.

They're not where they need to be. Yeah. Yeah. But the only reason I was extremely angry is because I also... I woke up at, like, 3 a.m. couldn't sleep, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I couldn't fall back asleep. And that's a deliberate attack on you. Yeah, I was like, I can't sleep.

This person's annoying me. I have a show. Like, I was just really mad. Yeah. How does your significant other support your, like... I'm just laughing because I feel so bad for him. No, because you're in, like, an... serious time of like performing he's angel yeah he supports women in the arts he's so supportive

and he's so almost almost to a fault like so sensitive and good about talking through feelings like sometimes i just want to like i want to like just fuck off and he's like what do you think's really going on here and i'm like shut the fuck he has some emotional intelligence so much it sounds like he's giving like zaddy energy he is king yeah he's the i'm so lucky He is an actor and he has a successful podcast about Formula One called Red Flags Pod. Go check it out. Wait, that's so fun. Yeah, I think you'd like it.

Yeah, he started it with his best friend from high school, like, during the pandemic. And now it's just like taken off. And it's been, it's been so amazing to watch him, yeah, just get super busy with all that stuff. It's cool that, like, you guys are both in that creative space, but, like, respecting each other's, like, separate ventures. I'm always just, like, so happy for him. Do you have a pre-show, like, routine? Of course. What is it?

I use my vocal steamer. You need a my pyramid's vocal steamer. I do my straw warm-ups, my vocal exercises. Drink a lot of water. Three liters a day. Hannah. Miss president. Miss president.

What if you see me in a year and you're, like, you're president? You're wearing a full Hillary's 2016 pink suit. I just needed you to give me that little push. Yeah, it's time. And then I just do my warm-ups. just sit. That's all. What do you do? Um, I like to force myself to poop. How? I'm so unclogged to a fault. Tell me everything. Like, if I just release my butthole right now, stuff will come out. You're the luckiest girl on the planet. I, no, I shit, like, non-stop. Because my anxiety,

like, I thought I'd IBS, but I've done the, like, eat ice cream, don't eat ice cream. Yeah. Eat a barada, don't eat barada. And like, it's not consistent. My reaction, okay. It's based on my mood. If I'm nervous, nothing stays. in me. Me too. It just goes through. My friend Paige is a puker. Oh. I never puke. I never burp. It all goes the other direction. That's so funny. I think Chelsea Pretti has a bit up being like there's poop families and there's like vomit families. I'm like that is so real. I'm so funny. Like we will literally, a family member will be in the bathroom for like six hours and no one will say a word. So you don't do anything. It's just nature. It's anxiety. Yeah. I like to have my holding.

Yeah. I release. But then when you go on stage, you trust the adrenaline will, you'll be okay. Totally. But I do like a nervous pee. I like to sit in the bathroom alone because when I'm with people, I'm like chatty, but I don't have the assertiveness to be like, can you give me 10 minutes? I know. I know.

I don't want to chat before a show. I really want to be alone. Occasionally I'll find good energy of someone else who's like, we're both on our phones. I'm looking over stuff. That's what we'll do next time. We have a show together. Just fucking, every now and then, you'll be like, you know, yeah. So are you touring all summer?

What's your situation? The summer I do have some shows, but I'm actually taking. a little bit of like a break oh good and then it's insanity from like September to April holy shit you already know that far ahead yeah that's amazing it's it's like a podcast touring solo touring what's happening it's can you share it's going to be mostly solo touring amazing and then if I survive it yeah which we'll do podcast touring are you going all over the U.S you're going abroad over the U.S and trying to plan my first ever like Ireland oh my God it's going to be It's amazing. London. I've never been to London. Oh, that's crazy. I know, like uncultured swine.

No, you have to go. I want to go to Paris again. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just want to do it all. Do you speak French? Say la Vie. Yeah, I don't speak a word. I'm scared. I want to so bad. Yeah, I'm scared. Whenever, I've been there to Paris a few times and I just feel like hell. No, yeah. You feel like a dirty rat. Yeah. But everyone, I just, it's so sexual. Like, all of them. Is it? I think it's so hot. That's never really done it for me. No offense. I like Australian accents, too. That does, that's the opposite of sexy to me. We can be best friends because we clearly have opposite types.

But the Irish accent's extremely sexy. See, and British. Irish, you know, British, I've, yeah. I mean, Irish guys are the hottest. Horny. Horny, sassy, funny. Definitely do have some intimacy issues, which turns me on. Okay, cool.

Because you have to fight for it. You have to break down some walls. I know, but now look at you. you've broken down you've broken down he's from queens though right okay so he's a new yorker it's half and half yeah with your new show yes what inspired you to write it what's your inspiration where do you get the inspiration from what is going on with it it's it's interesting because with the pandemic we had this weird break where I was kind of like once the show was done in 2019 I was kind of like I already had like new song ideas new jokes that didn't have anywhere to go and so does it just come to you or do you sit

um I don't really sit yeah I don't sit either yeah I don't sit either yeah Do you just, like, do it on stage or on, like, the notes app or something? It either, it's the notes app. Yeah, and normally I forget it to the notes app. I forget every good thing I've ever said. I have, like, tons of, and then I'm like squirrel brain. What is that for? But, yeah, I've, all my best ideas either happen in an instant.

Yes. Or they never happen. I feel the same way. It's like, it flows. I do, it's like, it has nothing to do with us. Yeah. It's like it flows through you. Yes.

And then you get lucky and then you don't. Yes. Sometimes I'll sit and be like, okay. We need to. Is there something about this? Or if I'm doing like a song, it requires a bit more crafting. Yes. Or like a poem or something.

Yeah. But. Do you have an album out? No, it was weird. Like with the special, they own the rights to those songs. Okay. So that's what's happening with that. But it'll be cool in the future to put out.

Oh my God. Okay. I just, you have so much great content that's coming out. I hope so. But I feel similar to you where, yeah, I was single before the pandemic. All my jokes were like, dating, singing hard. And then I got fully engaged. in like six months and then I was like

I had to change but I didn't want to get rid of the stuff I've been working on for years No I actually I was actually thinking you do a really good job of like You're still able to talk about dating and like single life Yeah Because you're doing it like it's almost like as an observer Some people exactly Because some people will be like she's lying

She's married and I'm like It's not that I just also still feel passionate about things But I have to I'm not the same person I was I had to stop a little because at first I'd be like Don't you hate when men do this and I'm like stop It's hard And then some people will be like, I didn't know you were married. This changes everything.

Not really, but just like it's off-brand for me to be married. We control your life because we like your content. It's like, no. One of my favorite jokes of yours, what's the one about like the bald pussy? Oh my God. The bald guy's head. That was like a crowd like that. That's genius.

But now I've like turned into a bit. Yeah, isn't that the best? Just about, yeah, how I'm jealous of how smooth. And I wish my pussy was that smooth. It's so true. And I like making eye contact with the man when I'm doing it. I'm like, I love your bald head. I'm so jealous.

I wish my pussy was at school. It's always like a 52-year-old man that's like, what? Like, he doesn't know how to feel. Mine's never not been, like, a little hairy. It's impossible. No, I couldn't wear bikinis growing up because I had the worst, like, ingrowns. Yeah. No, every girlie looked like they had a marble pussy.

And I was just, like, it was disgusting. Just razor-burn. I know. But, like, still tight. Tighten hairy. Tighten hairy. You can't have one of the other. Our new comedy duo, tight and hair.

It switches off who's who depending on the day. For sure. When was last time you were a sloth or like a lazy piece of shit? This whole, I mean, it's hard. My whole life. No, I just feel like I'm giving myself permission while I'm performing to, like, yesterday I laid on the couch for like four hours watching TV. Well, that's the thing. As a Virgo, we can, even when I'm sitting on the couch, my mind's also going.

So you have to remember, like, you have to shut it the fuck off. It's hard. It's so hard. And I love a vegetation moment. Like, yeah, how do you wind down? Are you into, do you like to drink weed, pills? Are you sober? I just, I'm like, I'm like an Italian who just wants to eat.

Oh, okay. I like eating. Yeah. What's your favorite, like, takeout situation? Oh, okay. Love Mexican. Oh, so good. Indian.

Thai. I know. Sushi. I live, that's all I do every day. Anything where you put sauce on rice is like, gets me. No. No. It's, yeah, once you're like, this is good, but I'm going to make it so much better.

And then Italians, like, we love to dip. We love to dip and mix. No, yeah, I love for that stuff. Drinking, I'm like, that's just going to make my stomach full. And I won't be able to eat as much bolognais as I want to. I also don't do well with drinking. Like, I lose my wit. I get sleepy.

I just want to, like, shake my butt. I'm always. like four drinks in. I'm like, I'd ruin the party. Weed, I ruined the party. I'm so in my head. Like, I think everyone thinks I'm dumb. I can't smoke weed at all. I immediately think like something's going to happen that I have to solve a problem to save the world and I won't be able to do it because I'm high. I can't remember anything anyone says to me. I can't remember the beginning of the sentence that I started. It's horrible. Then you're just, I just think, yeah, I'm so socially inept when I'm. Yeah.

When I'm drunk, you're chiller, but I know that I'm less fun because I don't give a fuck what people think. So instead of being, like, funny and nice, I'll just be like... Yeah, and then the anxiety the next day is, like, not worth it. No. I've been, I've been, like, sober all month while I'm performing because I'm trying to be, like, monk. And I'm like, but then I went to a few events and I was like, oh, I still, I still say dumb stuff all the time. It's actually just, like, I can't control it. You told yourself you're like, it's the alcohol.

Well, why is it? Some people are just impossible to talk to. So I had a moment yesterday, if we're being open with ourselves, where I hadn't, hopefully. I went out doing some comedy. And I hadn't been out doing comedy for a while because I've been on the road. And I came back home, and I felt so many weird feelings. Do you know when you come back and you just regret everything? And then normally I'd be like, you're an idiot.

You embarrassed yourself in front of one, two, three, four. You said the wrong thing in front of seven people. How did you even do that? And then I was like, wait, maybe you're just like hyper sensitive. And you took in so many different weird energies. And then I was like, what if you're not wrong? And maybe there were weird energies that you just couldn't handle. And I took a shower.

Yeah. And I went to bed. And I cleansed. And I cleansed. But like, this is why I don't socialize. I don't blame you. It's exhausting. Are you very like, I'm doing like five shows a night?

I did three shows. That's so intense. But it's like, no, exactly. Because I'd be on the road. And I was like, let's just bust out some. And I had too many interactions. that I could handle. Yeah, I know what you mean.

And I feel like people also, like, hadn't seen me for a while. So it was like a pressure moment of like, what are we going to say? And I will, small talk interactions, I could fuck up pretty bad. Yeah. Because I go for, I try to be a hero. Like, I'm like, let's do the best, say the best possible thing. And you could fuck up when you go for a homer. It's hard to know what to say.

And they can't. I'll be home runs. I struck out. Yeah. Final question. When was the last time you lusted over someone? So besides Brian, who is the king, who's your, like, celebrity crush? Well, oh, my celebrity crush, he's, like, annoying me now as a for a fight, but I love Adam Driver, to be honest.

Why is he pissing you off right now? Because he's, like, too fame and, like, annoying. I feel like when he was, like, first on girls, I was, like, that guy's so hot. No, I know. And then my... But why is he supposed to do, like, when you get famous, when your whole thing was, like, you're relatable and weird and underground? What do you do? I don't know.

You just don't get to be my celebrity crush anymore. You have to deal... You have to live with that. You have to live with that. My other long-term celebrity crush is Colin Firth. My mom is obsessed with Colin Firth. Wait, jazz singer. Zaddy.

Yeah. Literal Zaddy. I know. Oh, you love a little Brit. I do. I'm a sucker. Yeah. Yeah.

It's everything about meeting Brian was like he was so not my type and that's why it's been like life-changing. A psychic told me that I was going to end up with someone who's not my type. And at first I was like, really be sure? Oh. But no. he was just going to be older. Was he not your type?

I think it was just I've never dated an older guy. I wasn't that girl in school being like, oh, I love like an older man. Do you have a good psychic? I have a couple. Okay. I rotate. But I feel like psychics are mostly like, they're like you know what you're meant to do and we're letting you know it is what you're meant to do.

That's beautiful. That's what I've learned from my experience with psychics. But also like, it's more like if you're nervy about everything falling apart, they're like how would that happen and you're just like okay you're right okay but I never I'm like oh she said this and that and I study I'm more like get the vibe from it yeah I once had a horrible breakup and I was like horrible breakup nothing was I was like quantum playing becoming a yoga teacher like I was like 25 like everything was really bad no it was so bad my brain wasn't fully We almost lost you.

We almost lost you. I was contemplating stretching for a living. But, like, you have to be in a dark place to be like, I'm going to... It's, like, becoming a real estate agent, a yoga teacher. It's, like, kind of that, like... I know. I need to... Something happened for you to get there.

I know. Not that it's a bad career, but you had to... It was your canon event. Yes. So... And she pulled, like, a card, and it was, like, a woman with a crown. And I was like, I have no job. I don't know what I'm doing.

And she's like, no, like, you're going to, like, be, like, like, a powerful, strong person who's going to do what you love. And I'm like, which was crazy. She was right. But so those are like the little things I take from it. I highly recommend it. Yeah. As long as you're not like, what month am I going to have kids? Like, I don't, I don't deal with that stuff. Totally. Final, final question. You're doing amazing in hell. We could talk for 82 hours. We're in hell. I feel like I'm in heaven. I know. You're very comfortable with it, which is slightly unnerving. Oh, no. What do you do to cope with your hell. When you're in your darkest places, how do you survive at all?

Nature, cardio, painting, cooking, and Taylor Swift. Painting? I love to paint. Do you have a little paint canvas? Not in my apartment. I'm more thinking during the pandemic. I like set up this little area in my literal parents' bathroom and was like listening to folklore and like painting portraits of people's dogs. Wait, do you know when I'm retired, I want to be a painter? Of course. Yes. Don't we all want to be in a bar and painting? I want to be in a bar and painting with animals around me. Yes. And dogs. And dogs. We love dogs. I know. It's hard. It was, I'm so happy Pat adopted Miss Cookie, but I do miss having her around. Well, you'll save another dog's life.

They say adopting, you save one dog, fostering you save money. Oh, that's very sweet. It's so hard though. No, I know. Have you gotten really attached? Sometimes they're so difficult that it's like easy to be like they're going to a better thing i'm like not full i grew up in brooklyn so we never could have a dog so i'm not like a full dog person where like i love animals park slope that's crazy i know so it's so like i never go there and it's like so expensive now like the 90s park slope was like fun oh yeah yeah are you so friends with your high school friends i'm like facebook friends like they come some djs i have some yeah some dj but yeah we don't like it's because i went to Wisconsin that it kind of threw things off. Oh, right. But, um, was your high school here, like

artsy, public, private? You know? It's right next to LaGuardia. It was so, like, we did project-based assessments, which was like, instead of writing, instead of doing a test for history, you'd have to present an essay. Like, everyone was like, it was, it was. That sounds amazing. It was expressive. It was Jeremy Allen White went there. Oh, my God. That's really hot. No, he didn't. He went to my middle school. his ex-wife went there Addison Not to get into it Yeah yeah That's a name drop

I wish them both the best We wish them both We're not picking sides Where can people follow you Yes Give me the tea Give me the deeds Where can people see you perform

Yes Tell me at all You can follow me at Katzy Cohen On Instagram Oh I think my TikTok thing is different The woman who has at Kat Cohen Won't give me your handle And I wish her the best

At Katzik Cohen I think my TikTok is If you search Kat Kohn It'll come up Yeah I think TikTok's at And I'm a TikTok fan of yours, by the way. Thank you. You don't miss either.

Well, let me tell you this. I hired an amazing girl to post for me. Oh my God, that's so smart. So I'm trying to make more of like straight-to-camp stuff, but she'll like, I'll send her clips from shows or she'll come to shows. And she'll cut it up. And you trust that like she'll get the good part. She's amazing.

Like, it wouldn't work if she wasn't so smart and funny, but she'll like cut together good clips and like to make it funny. It's a lot of work. Do you do all your own stuff? I'm trying to do less. But I like, I love editing, but I don't have the time anymore. But I do love editing. Oh, my God, yeah.

And then sometimes you'll do something funny, and then in your head you'll overthink and be like, this isn't good. So sometimes I like other people doing it. Yeah, usually I'm also just like, I trust her and she's Gen Z. So I'm just like, oh yeah, mine's Genzy correspondent too. Whatever. Grow it up there. Whatever the guys want, you can not overthink it. Yeah, there's no, especially with TikTok, it's like, who the fuck knows what's going to do well?

No, literally. Yeah. Just post it. And then I would encourage everyone listening. You can listen to my podcast, seek treatment, which I host with my amazing. co-host, best friend, and soon-to-be-published author, Pat Regan. We're obsessed. And come see me at the Edinburgh Fringe.

Oh, my God, so exciting with your new hour. Yes, it's similar to what I did last year there because I did like a work in progress. So it started there, but now it's like the show is kind of in its final form. Obsessed. I'm such a fan. I can't leave our birthdays are one day apart. No, we're the same person. And I was born in New York City.

Leo Queens. New York City, Leo Queens. Crazy. We're probably blocks away, little infants. We probably cross paths on our like... On the playground. Yeah. agree thank you so much for coming cat thank you for having me thank you for listening guys and

we'll talk to you later in hell bye bye from hell liquid dash