Berner Phone - Chloe La Branche: Going To Rehab 8 Times & Drinking With Grandma

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

Chloe is a couple days sober and her demons are still out to play.  COME TO THE LIVE SHOW TONIGHT: https://onlocationlive.com/hannahberner --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

They didn't like me at UCB because they would be like, you know how you're always supposed to yes and? Yeah. This person would say something. I would just say no. And they'd be like, Chloe. And I'd be like, I'm not going to enable this person. They're not funny.

I'm not an enabler. No. And so they're like, this is not for you. I also would like get shit-faced during the break. It was like 10 minutes. Welcome to Burning and Heaven. You guys, we have one of the craziest bitches I know. One of the funniest comics in New York City and an immediate nice person to me when I came on the scene.

We have Chloe LaBranch. Hey, how are you? Did I pronounce it, right? Yeah, you did. I just realized I've never said your last name out loud. Chloe LaBranch, it says on your website, and I love bringing up comics websites because I feel like they never update it. And yours is definitely not updated. I have a website.

Actually, you don't have a website. It was from Stand Up New York's bio for you. Oh, okay. Okay. Chloe is a retired debutante. Yes. Is that true? Yeah, I was a debutante three times in New York.

Is that a thing in New York? Oh, yeah. I actually, I have a thing right here. I could show you hanging out my wall. Like my middle school teacher sends it to me. Wait, where in New York? city was this? I did one, I did two at the Waldorf and one at the pier. So you're kind of like Tinsley Mortimer. My, my middle school teacher sent this to me. This is winter nights in the New York

Times, Bill Cunningham. Remember he died, RIP. See, there's me. I'm a special dancer. Wait, were you like a good debutante? No. Did you get kicked out? Oh, no, no, I didn't get kicked out, but like, I was like black, you like, do it. Basically, they used to do debutants to like, they would present a girl to society so they could see all the eligible bachelors for her to marry that's how it started and how it started how it's going um so you do that but like i was like all my friends because it was remember freshman in college and like half the girls like just did not want to be there and then half the girls were like so uptight because our parents like make us do it yeah and it was such a train wreck we had to like do rehearsals and stuff like the day before and

I remember one of my friends rolls up to like this 11 a.m. rehearsal and she's wearing like a men's button down and makeup all over her face. And she's like, okay, we can start. And they're just like, what? She just snorts cocaine off the teacher's hand. Oh, yeah. And then like, I remember at one of them, I was like, there was like a tablecloth and I stood up and the tablecloth went with my feet and just like four glasses of red wine just like spill all over my, my, my, my, I was like, there was like a tablecloth. And I stood up and the tablecloth went with my feet and just like, four glasses of red wine just like spill all over my, my, my, my, Deb dress it's like a white gown and and then after I was like I know how to get white wine out so I go to the open I go to the open bar and I start asking for all these glasses of white wine and I'm just taking them and I'm just pouring them on on my dress so you thought white wine would take off red wine some old man was like you know what gets that out chardonnay so did you get like a date out of it no what happens is you get two escorts so you have two guys that you choose to be your escorts it sounds like the bachelor it's it's and then every all the parents everyone gets their own like sweet at the waldorf because the parents get it for you well i feel like

this is definitely more of a parents thing they're like oh yeah we don't have to babysit give her a little dress let her do whatever she does and we get to fucking the waldorf this is some high society shit in new york because people just smoked weed in prospect park when i was growing up we did that too but we we hit up like the owls and a wonderland statue I remember when I was in like eighth grade everyone was like girls were like obsessed with like just like peeing outside it was like a big thing we'd like go to a hookah bar and then we'd be like let's go pee on the met and we'd like be like cool and we'd like go to the steps of the met and like pee and like take

pictures and be like this is living you guys we are getting an inside real houseways of New York child experience in New York City I actually met you Through other high society New Yorker, Remy, Casimir. Not a debutante? Not let's, she's not, you know, that level. She, we met at her, the Shiva of her grandma, rest in peace. And you were sitting there and we're all wearing black and, like, people are pretty somber,

but then you were in the corner just, like, ripping jokes. I don't even know who I was talking to. No one knew who you were talking to. But I gravitate towards other, you know, humorous women. And the next scene, we were just laughing. It was one of those conversations that, like, you know, when you start talking to someone, you realize you've never introduced yourself, but you're, like, laughing about something.

And at some point, I was like, hi-in-hanna, nice to meet you. Or when you wake up to it next to a guy, and you're like, what's your name again? But anyway, you were one of Carolines on Broadway's breakout artists in 2016. You performed at the Oddball Comedy Festival in Jones Beach. You've co-hosted shit on Twitch TV You had a podcast, a close show And now you currently have your one woman show News for Women

So it's news with the number four And women, what's the kind of concept behind it? So basically I used to have this joke about the skim And I actually did this joke a while ago Where I make fun of the skim Because I'm like, I don't know if anyone's heard of the skim Basically, it's a newsletter And what the skim does is it breaks down the news

so women can get it. Because it's like, oh my God, how would we understand the news? Our brains are so small. It's like, where are we find the time in between all our naps and abortions? We wouldn't. I'm like, you should have a glass of white wine

with the GOP. They're so stressed. And like, so I was doing that joke. The GOP is about to cut their bangs any second. I know, right? And so I remember I did that joke like at Caroline's a while ago and someone who's like that one of the heads

of the skim reaches out to me and they're like, how dare you like uh Barack Obama reads this skim and he's a man and I was just like what and then I just like started like copy and pasting some of their headlines and just sending them back we're just like do you stand in your bag Syria has it in their government you know like shit like that they don't say that but you know what I mean I actually found the skim I was subscribed to it for a while I found it more hard to understand because they use all these like weird girly millennial metaphors and I'm like just tell me what happened

You should just make it straightforward. Like, mm, stocks are up. Good time to buy a Birkin. And they have it all in like cute font and pink so that our eyes can like retain it and have a pleasurable experience so we don't get like too much anxiety during the reading of it. I mean, I wouldn't bash them too hard because Hannah, they couldn't be a good sponsor for you. I thought about it, but you know what? It's fine. They look at my shit.

They're like, she's a dumbass reality TV star. She doesn't know what the news is. I started dating this older guy though and he like listens to NPR. And I was like, there has to be a middle ground, though, between the skim and NPR. And that's called News for Women. I was just going to say that. So I only get my news from the New York Post. That's it.

I love it so much. So, Chloe, you are super outgoing. You're gorgeous. You're hilarious. You've started this cat eye thing, which I kind of love for you. Do you feel like a new woman with cat eye? Because people say that once girls start getting their cat eye right in their makeup, that's when you can start ruining men's lives. Thank you.

I use Charlotte Tilbury. Yeah. Do you know her? Yeah, I know her, Charlotte. She's cool. Yeah. What happened was Karen Margolis. I was just like, what is your routine?

And she sent me her entire makeup list and then all of her, like, face washes. Well, I feel like you're kind of like me. You're a tomboy-ish. Yeah. But you still have, like, a feminine energy when you're. have to for news for women and i think that do you like wearing makeup i'm like i go back and forth like i wear many hats and um like sometimes i'll be dressed like a 12 year old boy and then sometimes i like dressed like a girl but i thought it would be funny for my news show if i just wear like

really girly stuff and then just say things that are just like very unwell you know that's kind of like me when i do summer house because you have to wear these you don't have to but i mean it's summer so you wear bikinis and like you want to look sexy for the kids and you want to look sexy for the camera but then just I let the most just disgusting shit come out of my mouth and just keep people on their toes the most vile thoughts um yeah the trailer actually aired and this guy Kyle goes Hannah do you something stuck up your ass and I go I don't but I wish I did because I'd feel a lot better than I do right now just an anal joke just open with an anal joke I love that for us I feel like we're something that way I haven't done stand up since March you've been doing some outdoor shit or

know i mean i did like i did some outdoor stuff and i just like stopped isn't it funny when like you're on a podcast and you're like oh yeah i did this joke so long and you start it and then you'd forget the the button of it and then you're just like i'll go fuck myself oh yeah of course of course that happens on stage or like you know when you're on stage and you start to go into like a really long story and it's just not hitting and you're like yeah and you keep trying to extend it like oh this will hit if I just turn this way or that way I just I just like listen like there's about three to five more minutes left of this joke so bear with me everyone so do you miss it I miss it I miss it I miss like doing stand-up at the stand that's what I miss the most I miss

going on the road no I'm kidding I never did that but my thing with you is I feel like a lot of stand-ups they say are either addicts or athletes and what are you you're both very athletic about my drug use it's very athletic so when i first met you i think the first day you were kind of like yeah i'm trying to get sober and it's kind of been on top of mind so how are you with your sobriety journey what what's going on well right now i've been sober for about nine days and what happened was i had a pretty good stretch before that and then i was like going to parties and not seeing anyone thought covid no i'm kidding the pandemic like four more years. No. And so I had not drank in a bit. And then I went to parties. I went on dates. Blah, blah, blah. I go to visit my 91-year-old grandmother. And she goes, she's like asking, she's like, do you have a boyfriend? I was like, no. And she's like, do you want a glass of wine? I was like, oh, no, I don't drink. And she goes, you don't have a boyfriend and you don't drink. How boring. And I was like, I could drink. And like, I said to like her nurse, I'm like, bring over the chardonnay. And then I got so.

so shit-faced i started throwing up and uh i haven't called my grandma there in a week because i'm embarrassed your grandma drank you under the table i had like super red anxiety about it yeah no i totally get that but i feel like it's also kind of a bonding experience with your grandma yeah it is i mean she's so ridiculous so when was the first time you realized you had an addictive personality probably when i when i was younger i was obsessed with um there's this like antibiotic that you get when you have like strep throat or something and it's called cephalore and it's like this pink stuff that's like taste like bubble gum or something yeah yeah I was obsessed with it and I used to like I nicknamed it I called it C-Clor and and I loved it so when my parents

when anyone was in the kitchen I would go downstairs and I would take it out of the fridge and just drink it oh my god how old are you I was also obsessed I think I've been doing whippets from a young age because I was obsessed with whipped cream and I'll just like go and like pour to my mouth felt like ended so i was like definitely like accidentally doing whippets and i remember when i was like 12 for christmas i got one of those like things that they give you at restaurants with all the canisters of whipped cream like the whip it things hell yeah i wish i had it now but so when was the first time you took your first actual drug drug um the first time i did cocaine i think i was 15 when was the first time you drank. Okay. The first time I drank, I was like, I was like 12 at like this like end of the

school year pool party. And, uh, they had like this massive bar. So me and two of my friends walked in and we're like, let's get, let's do this. We walked in and we like took shots of Jack and we went back and we like jumped in the pool like, oh, I can't swim. You know when you're like younger and you drink, you pretend you're like more fucked up than you are. Or you like have one drink and if people are drunk around you you're like oh i feel it oh yeah things are moving yeah i also think this is new york city kid behavior kid behavior yeah i mean people like to drink a lot like you know you grow up in new york but then i went to i went to boarding school and that's when i like really got into partying it's funny because people send kids away to boarding school to like have a structured

life i feel like but it's where you it's like going to prison like you're that's supposed to make things better it's like no that's where you actually learn how to be more kind of fucked up and yeah they're like fun god i used to i remember when i was like a junior or sophomore we i used to do coke at like seven seven a m and then go to chapel and i was like such a little psycho i'd put like a bow in my hair like this and we're like tights with like a skirt and be like you're just jacked up for Jesus. Yeah. Yeah.

When did you realize that it started to become an issue? I mean, I think it started to become an issue. Like, a lot of my friends, I would say, like, I mean, I guess they say, like, it's a problem if you get, like, blackout, but, like, everybody does that, it feels like, you know? I mean, blackouts are, like, joked about a lot in society, but you don't want to be blacking out so much that it's affecting your relationships. Yeah, I just, like, went, like, I think in boarding school, we were just, like, you know, It was a lot of, like, you can't drink during the week,

so you go to New York on the weekends and, like, you get it. You get after it. And then college, we're, like, I'm free. So you just, like, got to do whatever you wanted. And then I would start to get, like, injuries because I think I'm really actually athletic. Like, I love to sprint and try to jump over things, you know? Drunk running is the most fun. Oh, God.

Drunk swimming. You cannot get me to jog sober ever, but drunk sprinting. You're just like, I'm free. and I'm just a leaf blown in the wind I used to remember in high school people used to like do a ton of Coke and then go on the elliptical and like see you could get their heart rate up the highest

and I was like this is not normal no that's how you have heart attacks yeah so I started like partying a lot and then it just started to become like then I went to school in Texas at SMU and like I didn't want to do like the sorority thing slash I got black gold they like I was like getting rushed really hard

by like the good sororities and like I was just like I don't want to do this fuck you and then they're like okay so then like i didn't do it and when you go to a really got you blackballed because you were like i'm not into this this is lame it's a longer story who did you hurt i didn't hurt anyone i just was like really like anti south anti then why'd you go to smu because it was only college i got into oh yeah because i didn't i didn't see smu for you It's like pearls and like you go to, you go to football games and you wear dresses. I know.

It's very debut tautish. I got arrested at a tailgate once. So you immediately went in and you felt like you didn't fit in to that Southern culture. Oh, the reason why I forgot about this, the reason I was getting rushed. And then the reason I couldn't join a sorority is because my GPA was a 1.2. And you have to have over a 2.5. And then I got back from, then I got back from like, I remember I went to like Aspen or something when everyone was like doing. rush and i was like cool and then i came back and like once everyone's in sororities and fraternities

everyone gets like really cocky and they just like stopped talking to you yeah i really got like anti-system and like started to go a little crazy i would say i had minor depression but um i was like kind of just went really went crazy i stopped i like never went to class i would just like get drink all day with my friends who like also were from new york and everyone got kicked out the best of you all of our New York friends. Did you get kicked out? Yeah, I got let go. What was the final thing that snipped you?

It was my GPA. I got a 0.08 one semester. And I was like, do you guys have been going to class? And everyone's like, yeah. The only class I passed was racquetball, and I didn't even know I was in it. Well, you're athletic. Wait, so did any part of you want to impress your parents

or, like, show them that you could do well? or like why do you think you rebelled so fucking hard probably because i wanted them to notice me i love it was a cry for help yeah i'm one of seven oh what what order are you in in the so i'm the third and there's five boys and one and two girls and is the other girl way more um like loved by the family yeah because she's like really good at life so instead of competing you were like why don't we do the opposite and drown it was it was what it was i got kicked out of out of this fraternity once for making Hurricane Katrina jokes. And then I was like, oh, no, like, I love, I love New Orleans.

And then I remember I started, I was like, on all this annex and I started, this is my best line I've ever done. They're kicking me out and I'm screaming, Google me! You Googled me. It was like, I won a soccer tournament when I was 11. That was like the only thing in there. I actually had a weird Katrina event too at my college, where, it was like kind of an intimate class

and my friend was fucking making me laugh and the teacher was talking about Katrina and but she was making me laugh about something that the teacher was doing it and you know when you're not supposed to laugh that's when you laugh the hardest so I started just like making these noises and then I had to pretend that I was crying hysterically

and walked out because it was during Katrina I love that for me because crying and laughing is a thin line and that is what the theme of burning hell is so so what do you hate about yourself the most oh wow I definitely I hate that I am an alcoholic so annoying I hate that I like can't be like casual with dating you know do you feel like you get all in real quick yeah it's because I I hate rejection like so much and so once even if I don't like the person once they start to reject me I like go all

end you know now I have to be obsessed with you it's like a pringles can you know it text you once they text me back I'm like it popped let's have fun and oh god um but that's something I don't like I don't like that sometimes I can be really mean by accident like I just have this talent where like I can really just cut to someone's core

you know as most comedians have this like small like evil tick it's kind of like sometimes how you can talk to yourself if you're really fucking brutal to yourself it's very easy to be brutal to other people because you're like in that mindset sometimes yeah i'm like really hard of myself yeah i didn't realize till recently that i'm actually pretty good at fighting with my words you're great because you realize like all we do is talk shit and if you be clever with like making people laugh you also could be clever making them cry which is with great power comes great responsibility yes of course i love that so with your dating life I feel like if you're struggling with alcoholism, it's very hard to prioritize, like, a guy

or like your healthy relationship with them if you're having a tough relationship with yourself. Do you feel that way? A hundred percent. I mean, that's what I say when you're getting sober. They're always advised, like, don't date for your first year. Yeah, that's when I met you, actually. You were like, I'm not supposed to date, but this guy's cute and we've been talking. Was he cute?

But I do think that, like, yeah, so. How long you've been trying to get sober? What have you tried to do? What have been your vices? I've been trying to get sober since I went to my first A.A. meeting when I was 21. And I walked in and I was like, I'm not doing this. It's so sad. Everyone's like old and weird.

And I went to another one with one of my friends. And I remember we got really drunk before it because we're like, you got to be blacked out to be at this place. It's boring. And then I, then I was like. Okay. I'm going to stop drinking when I'm 26. I'll stop. So what I did was I was like, since I got to stop in like four years, I'm going to go as hard as I can. Because I knew it was going to have to end at some point. So. And also when I was in college, like, I was like started, I have epilepsy and I started having like seizures and stuff from like taking a lot of Xanax and all this stuff. And it was like my epilepsy wasn't diagnosed yet. They just thought I was, like, having seizures from, like, all these drugs and stuff. I wasn't like that. I was just, I was a cute drug addict, you know?

What was the hardest drug you've ever done? I haven't done, like, meth or heroin or PCP. I, one time I snorted Suboxin. That's, like, what you do when you're trying to get off heroin, and it just made you throw up. I did, like, oxy cotton in college, because in the South, everyone's obsessed with oxies. Especially, well, at SMU, at least, they were. But I never, like, smoked that much weed. I just did a lot of

I did a lot of coke I've done acid a bunch so have you gotten attention from your parents well I was obsessed with trying to go to rehab because that was like when Lindsay Lohan was at Cirque Lodge and stuff when I was in college and I was like every day I'd be like please just let me go and I would like send them like

my dad would be like go to the gym my dad would be like stop trying to act like a rich kid you're not going to rehab I was like what anyways so then I just like partied for like a long time and then when I was 26 I went to rehab for the first time oh wow I've been to rehab eight times I only graduated from one I got let go a lot because you would find ways to get what you wanted because a lot of people at these rehabs like they're there and they don't want to be sober you know a lot of people don't want to be sober and then I wanted to get sober but I would get insecure about wanting to be sober because there's a lot of people my age whose parents

forced them to go and I just went on my own yeah like my parents wouldn't send me or pay for it so I'm like I'm fucking and you love being the fun one yeah yeah I mean it got to a point where like it was my identity and that was like all I didn't know how to be a person I knew how to be like a joke and that was before I started doing stand up what were you doing before stand up panicking I don't I was in college, a friend of, a friend of mine and I, we started a film, a production company. We made like a film. It actually did, we won like the Williamsburg Film Festival. We got into the short corner of Cannes.

What was it about? It was about, it was a drama. It was about drug trafficking on the Mexican border through Texas and how they like use like ranches to go through. And then they like say, well, we're going to kill your family if you don't traffic drugs for us oh shit that's intense journey so you're doing those movies so i was doing that and then we were like working on other stuff and then i was like okay i want to do comedy but i'm really embarrassed because like comedy was like the only thing i was like i was very funny always like talking to people

but i thought of like doing it trying to make it like a thing that i'm doing i was really insecure about yeah it's like the hardest part is admitting you want to do it yeah because yeah i mean trying saying you're because if you go on stage or do improv you're basically saying hey i'm funny look at me and yeah and the least the worst thing in the world is when you see someone trying to be funny and they're not it's like the most awkward thing ever and um so i signed up for improv at ucb uh i got let go and i love you say let go that's like your thing for everything i got kicked out and uh i got let go from bumble too but i don't know story. Do you get upset anymore when you get let go from things or is it just kind of a

common step? Well, I get let go a lot from men, I guess. But you hate rejection and these places are literally saying you don't belong here anymore. So my therapist always tells me like you like to jump before you get pushed. Oh, so you self-sabotage a little. Oh, everything. You knew about my self-sabotage. Remember from these talks back in the day at the stand? Oh yeah, we would get into like intense we just always bonded and I just be like what the fuck is going on and you'd be like this is going on and then I'd be like hyping you up and then I'd be like this one time at tennis camp and then I'm getting all work done we like just met and then we're like texting I'm like sending you screenshots oh we're like on Instagram I'm like sending you things you're like let's take it

to the next level what's your phone number yeah we immediately it was like Operation Chloe what are we taking over no because you are so refreshingly opened about your shit that like it was fun for me to not have to like see what a person might be like behind their facade you were just like these are my issues not working on it and it was so cool to talk to someone that open i mean sometimes i think i'm open to a fault because like when i go on stage or talk or something i'll just say like everything that's going on i remember julio once said to me he was like out of anyone i know you have the most outward struggle I have ever seen he's so wise I was like it's like a lot of people are suffering on the inside but yours is just but I feel like it's also part of you like jumping like you're kind of like before people can talk behind my back and be like Chloe's struggling or Chloe's

you're just like yeah I am yeah I'm having a hard time but then it's like you almost it softens it for you when you can like make it funny yeah that's I mean and the the thing about doing that is it's not healthy and it wasn't it is healthy once you've moved past it yeah oh one time tim dillon told me this and like i always think about it um i was like telling him i was like so my boyfriend and i we had just broken up this is like a long-term boyfriend and it was like this whole crazy story i like talked about it how like he went to loom and he did acid and then he told me when he was on his when he was tripping he realized like he was on his journey and i'm just not a part of it and that's how he broke up with me and I remember like being so upset and like making that into

a joke and I told timid and he was like you know you're still too close to it like give it six months and then say it on stage oh because like when you're too close to it the audience can feel yeah the emotion and then they feel like I went through a lot of phases where the whole every time I'd go on stage like everyone just felt bad for me yeah people would be worried like I would go on stage and people are worried Yeah Like they're like laughing but also like what it's almost Sometimes they're not laughing

You're like a yeah not always But you're like kind of a spectacle In that like your stuff you're saying Like embarrassment is funny But then it's to a point where it's like Wait is she being honest with all this shit Yeah she is Holy fuck

But it's also I think It's also you doing that cry for help thing Not to therapist you But you're very comfortable in that Where it's like What are you going to do? Because that started to be, first, my identity was definitely partying. And then it became, like, being, like, wounded and, like, cried for help.

But what I, and then, you know, then I became, like, this tragic case of getting so relapsing, being insane to boys, blah, blah, blah. And I was playing like this character and playing into it. And the more you do these crazy jokes about your crazy stories and then the audience starts to like them, it starts getting all validated. So I would think that the behavior was okay. other people were laughing so I could still behave like that yeah but also like if you don't actually think the joke is funny like yeah you're too close to it like you know when you're like

oh I fucking hate that dude it's like you can't enjoy it no it's almost going on stage sometimes was it always fun for you um yeah so sometimes I'd be nervous but um I have like really bad anxiety and I would have like terrible anxiety and this is like so dorky but like anytime I would get on stage all my anxiety goes away like it completely disappears because I'm forced to like live in that moment in the moment yep I feel the same way like even if I'm bombing like sometimes I love bombing because I'm like I just get to be here and do this and like feel it I get to feel the bomb without trying to cover it up with something and you can't like get stuck in a like brain spiral like you just have to live and it's like it is a form of a high of some kind

where it's just such an authentic moment. Yeah. But there also is a thing that I'm working on is separating myself. Because I remember having a meltdown at one point when I was doing all this crazy stuff and telling these crazy stories. And then I remember just having a breakdown, being like I'm so tired of being my material.

Like I act like, I talk like I'm a piece of shit on stage and I just feel like it. Like I'm so tired of being my material. And so there's definitely a thing. thing about being able to separate yourself from who you are on stage like it's it's important to be authentic but for me it's about finding a balance yes yes it's super important but do you think that with comedy you were able to find some of yourself like was it hard for you to admit like i want to be a comedian and then go for it well i also like made this thing where i was like okay by the by the time

i'm 25 i'm going to do stand up well because i did improv and then they didn't like me at UCB because they would be like you know how you're always supposed to yes and yeah they're like you used to do yes and sometimes they would like this person would say something and i'd just say no and they'd be like Chloe and I'd be like I'm not going to enable this person they're not funny I'm not an enabler no and so they're like this is not for you I also would like get shit-faced during the break it's like 10 minutes but then this girl in my class in my improv class was like, you should try stand-up. I think you would be good at it.

So I took a stand-up class and I got obsessed with it. So it's great that you found that passion. And now it's like, it's interesting to have you on Bernie and How because I have a lot of people who talk about like their past, you know, how they've recovered from, you know, drugs or alcohol. But like you are still kind of in it and you are like highly functioning. How is the quarantine affected kind of you and your journey of sobriety? It's been very spooky.

like my birthday was March 15th and I went to Miami for my birthday on like the 13th and that was like right when all this was starting yeah and I was like fuck this we're going into lockdown I'm going to start drinking so I went on this like a little bit of a bender and then I went to my friend's house for two weeks and we're just drinking all day and then I went to my house in vermont with one of my friends who drinks a lot and I was just drinking like three bottles or red wine all day and you know I'd start drinking like 11 a.m because like no one knew what was going on so it was like definitely great for my drinking and then I would put together like some time like 12 days and these like breakdowns like I'm going to get sober I can't do this anymore I can't live like this and then you know

before I know I'm drinking again and I came back to New York as a guard I'm going to be sober and I come back to the city and like May and it's like all locked down and really depressing and I just started getting really into drinking really into ketamine which was all random like going to K-holes alone And then I went up back up to Vermont to my friend's house and she has a bunch of horses and we just like started riding every day. And I stopped drinking for like 60 days. And then I came back to New York in like September and I was like, I'm going to stay sober. Right when I got off the plane, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes and walked into a bar. And I'm like telling the bartender, I'm like, I haven't had a drink in 60 days.

Isn't this amazing? And then it just like, and then since then it's just been in and out. and out in and out like i'll get 10 days and then i'll drink like with my grandma you know like i can get triggered at a farmer's market at this point well it is hard because you're just stuck alone with your thoughts you're not doing the thing that you enjoy because there are a lot of stand-up comics who are sober like you can surround yourself with those people but sounds like you also have a lot of friends who are just down to clown yeah like all my friends from from growing up and stuff a lot most of them live in new york and they're all you know they work they work nine to fives and then

on the weekends they're like they want to drink go after it and there's like a lot of drugs and like a lot of coke just that's the thing everyone does cook still even when they've kids um more so when they have kids yeah so it's like I'll hang out with them and they're all like respectful of my they're like they're like we don't are you sure it's okay if you drink with us and I'm like it's fine I'm like we don't want to drink with you and I'll be like listen like I'm going to drink regardless would you rather me do it alone or with you like yeah she's fun kind of so then like you know it just like and sometimes I'm just like fuck it and then if I ever go on dates I always end up drinking so how does this manifest in your dating life like with dudes because you say you do crazy shit can you can you give me a little insight into that what will happen to me which has happened several times is I'll go in like two dates of the guy sober and he'll like really like me and then by the third date I'm just like hell yeah I got a boyfriend let's start drinking And I'll drink and I'll ruin everything.

I remember I went to this rehab in Malibu, which was the wildest thing I've ever done. And I go to this rehab in Malibu and I went on like two dates with this guy and he was like a friend of a friend. And they're like, he's a really good guy. Like he's so cool and so cute. Don't mess this up. And I was like, how could I ever mess this up? You're like, well, now I have to. And then on the third date, I just started like matching him with whiskey.

And he's like, I didn't know you drink. I was like, I was on a cleanse. It was called AA. And I had like eight months sober. And I started drinking on the date. And then we went back to my house. And I blacked out. I don't remember anything.

And I woke up in the morning. I talked about this. And his back was towards me. And I'm like, always joke like, you know, if you wake up and the guy's back is towards you, like, I'm like, I probably called him gay or something, you know. And so his back is towards me. And then I like try to be, like, cute. like roll over and he's like also I was so thin I looked like an awesome twin I was like I looked

so so tiny and I loved it like I was he's insane my bones but anyway so I woke up and then I tried to like touch him and he like jumps out of bed and he's like I got to go I was like yeah let's let's get out of here and he's like I have to go and I'm like why what happened he was you don't remember what happened last night he's like I only slept here because I don't want you to die. And I was like, well, I was like, he's in love with me. Um, he cares. And then he's like, I have to go. And I was like, well, what happened last thing? He's like, I don't want to talk about it. And I was like, can you tell me what happened? He's like, I told you I don't want to talk about it. And then he left. And then I just called up promises in Malibu. I was like, coming for you.

And I just got on a plane. And I went to, to California. And then I was gone for like, I don't know, like three weeks until I got kicked out and I came back to New York and I like looked at my hamper and I was wearing this like white skirt and I pull it out of the hamper to do laundry the back of it's just like colored in blood I was like that was well because I knew I had my period but I had drinking like so much rosé I was like not tonight I know when you tell your period like you're not coming I don't care I'm just not wearing a tampon and we'll see what happens I was like we are getting laid um and then and then that was like that was a you know that's the way it manifests.

Then there's other stories, but they're just so long. Exciting. But I do think that like to survive the mess, it's like you start embracing it, you start laughing about it, and then you kind of get comfortable with it. And then you're afraid if I stop this crazy ride, then I just kind of have to face myself. But that's what relationships are. They're mirrors. Like they show you how you actually are because you have to like put yourself in front of

someone. Yeah, definitely. Like I've been like cooking up with this guy who's a doctor. well he's in his third month of medical school but I like send them like medical questions all the time I'll be like hey so my friend has a rash on her foot she can't see out of it right eye what's going on and he's like I told you like I can't help I'm in my second month of medical school he's like I'm trying to pass chemistry yeah and so like I drank on like our like the first like four five times we hung out and and then we hung

out recently and I was sober and I was like kept asking him like do you think I'm boring do you think I'm boring how boring am I? Aren't I so boring aren't I the worst and like I kept like being like isn't this boring and he was just like no you're like fine it's like an intrinsic fear of being boring or not good enough when you're sober do you feel boring sometimes but also sometimes when I'm drinking I get really insecure sometimes when I'm drinking because I know how bad it can get and I just, like, become this person that I'm, I'm really not. And, you know, I try to use things as defense mechanisms. Like, I'll be name-dropping and talking about money and, like,

just doing crazy shit. And I'm just like, it's like, that's not who I am. And I'm just, like, such a fucking loser. Because those are, like, the things that I tried to use, like, to as, like, a comfort. You know what I mean? Because, like, I never, there's no, I, I've never really had intimacy, like, growing up. I was never molested. So there was no intimacy.

No, I'm kidding. my uncle was like not happening um i don't even have a weird ears yeah it's because i don't have an uncle now i've intimacy issues but do you mean like emotionally and physically like yeah like my my you know my dad and my brothers they shake hands you know what i mean like i don't always say i love you to my parents like when they hug me i'm just i'm just uncomfortable around yeah intimacy so then also like when someone when a guy starts to like really like me because either a guy hates me or they get like obsessed with me yeah and sometimes when they start to really like me i just like get really distant and i'm like creeped out and like that's just

like this deal like which makes them like you more because i think in my head i'm like why does he like me yeah but yeah but like with that doctor i remember i like was drinking a lot i started like going on like a bender because like i think he started to like me and i thought i started to like him so I started drinking like really like getting really fucked up and just like sending him like crazy shit that was hilarious and then he was like listen like this isn't this isn't gonna work for me and I was like okay whatever and I was like so upset and then like three days later I just like sent him a nude and he's like I'll come over in 10 minutes and then he came over and now we're still looking up well yeah it's funny how like when a guy likes you you question yourself and you question him

and you're like well why would he want someone like me and it it is really like you're you're also extremely smart and extremely funny and people who are very smart and funny I think like it's easy to get in your head and question yourself and you know what you're capable of and then you have like there's a lot of pain going on but like I believe in you so much and I just think thanks Hannah you're a very thank you but you're a very special unique person I wanted to have you on because you're so open with your struggles and hell old are you 31 you're 31 and it's i feel like your 30s is when you start like giving less of a shit what other people think of you you start being a little more confident in who you are also i'm 29 so i don't know this yet but this is what i heard

and i do think like you just it's all about just like it's this is what i say with happiness like it's you're always searching for it like what's the answer what's the answer but it really is just within you it's you just being like oh yeah i've had it this whole time It's just a decision I have to make And I have to actually work on it So I love you and I'm so happy you're opening up About all your shit And all your hilarious stories

And your self-awareness is just like next level Yeah, I'm like self-aware to a fault I get that a lot in therapy And I want to wrap this up With a final game called The Seven Deadly Sins Seven Deadly Sins What are you greedy about? laughs stage time yeah just anything that anything outside of myself that will make me feel better well

and also a laugh just negates all of like the bullshit it's like will they say it's okay yeah anything that that makes me go out of myself i'm very greedy about like if there's like alcohol and someone's drinking more of it in my head i'm like they better stop because that's mine you know yeah yeah you know it's just like anything to get me out of my head i'm very greedy about who are you envious of julius caesar legit because he had epilepsy and he killed it got it i didn't know he had epilepsy i know it's a secret i honestly sarah armor told me that uh she's our friend who loves the moon she also said once that remi is the reincarnation of hitler and she says i'm the reincarnation of julius caesar I love that. I need to have her on hell to find out what I'm...

Oh my God, she's so funny. Yeah. I feel like I haven't even... I'm not talking about myself. I'm just like plugging friend comics. Like, check out this guy. Swipe up for the latest episode. I, um...

And then Julia Caesar and I, um, I was born on the Ids of March the day he was murdered. That's very interesting and... I tried to tell my friend, I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm Julia Caesar. And they're like, I'm pretty sure you're a narcissist. It's interesting how you talk about... anything to get you out of your head because it's funny i'm someone who's like everyone thinks is really fun but i'm actually like quite a prude like people after shows will give me like cocaine and shit and i'm like oh sorry like i don't do drugs but it's because i actually i'm a control

freak and i have a fear of my brain not sober and i also have a fear of like that will just make shit worse than whatever it is now and i and i just have like an obsession with like trying to handle myself sober like I've been on like antidepressants and anti-exiety which isn't technically like sober I don't know but it's fine it's fine it's it's more like because I also deal with a lot of my own mental issues and anxiety so it's like okay I I know that drinking is not going to help it right now so I that's like my own reverse obsession of like yeah obsessed with getting my head right sober I remember one time in a rehab in like one of our groups the woman was like believe it or not our great ancestors weren't on Zoloft

I was like what? Yeah but they were also just chugging wine Yeah I mean that's interesting There's a lot of people who Who don't get really fucked up and stuff Because they have this thing They don't like to lose control And I love to lose control

That's what I like Because I hate when I have control Because I hate the way It's almost like you're responsible It's like painful You know Because I hate myself Yeah so we're the opposite in that way

Like if I don't have control Like when I get high when I've rarely gotten high I feel like my brain stops working and then I'm like if someone were to come in and ask me a question I wouldn't be able to answer it and then what would happen and what they think of me so yeah I'm we have opposite problems yeah I used to I talk about like how like you know like I think if someone was robbing my house and I was drunk I would handle it way better they'd come in I'd be like oh you're here to hang out I'd be like take the laptop don't forget the charger like in bus sober so this leads into the next one what are you most

gluttonous about so what do you what's your guilty pleasure that you overindulge in the most like what's what's your alcohol of choice oh depends on the day um i got really in i love IPAs that's just like but i i'm really into tequila oh i love tequila because you don't get like as hung over yeah i can't drink rosé because i go insane i go insane i drink wine i just cry i might as well just put it on the floor just pour it all over me yeah skip a step i feel bad i feel like i should be asking to you these questions, but you already do them every day. When I come on your pod, don't worry. Oh, yeah, no, this is just an interrogation.

Okay, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, don't worry about me. Add it to my tab of interrogations. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Yesterday. I got in a fight with my older sister because she was like just doing something that annoyed me

and I was just like, honestly, like, you're a bitch, like, this is a nice preview of how bad your marriage is going to go and she's like married and she's a good life and then like an hour i just like lost it and then like two hours later i was like sorry i'm just sad that i'm alone and and she was like yeah okay chloe and then i was like and actually that nice preview of marriage that's a that's a line from wedding crashers that i stole he's like here's a nice preview of marriage and i was like that's for the wedding crashes you hear in the movie and you're like noted i'll use that to rip someone's life apart

when I need to. Yeah. When was the last time you were a sloth, so like literally didn't do anything all day? Oh, last week, I went to like a mic because I'm a, because I'm a loser. That's the bottom. I went to an open mic that was indoors. And I got in so many fights. And what were you fighting about? Some guy goes on stage and he was just like, he goes, he goes, yeah, well, everybody knows how women are stupid, right? And then I was like, do you think women are stupid? Why are you wearing women's pants because he was wearing like really tight jeans and then we just like scream we are on this like massive fight and um and then so then that person that person someone at the mic ended up getting COVID and then they messaged us and they're like everybody has COVID so

I was like I must quarantine laid in bed for like a week and I was like quarantine I was just like drinking like well all day I'm like this is living no do you think you got COVID no I got tested like seven times when was last time this is a tough one when was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something I was doing a podcast with a friend and then I was just like and it was all about like dating and getting drunk and all this stuff and I hadn't drank in like 60 days and I was just like honestly like this is not me I was like I am just like really put together I was a deputant like I mean I just I'm not involved like everything is great and i just thought i was like too good for too good for it because i thought that

you know your stomach yeah it was your own insecurities that you were trying to like overcome yeah so you were like you've blacked out on a date i was like disgusting i was like i know what a 401k is do i have one no but i know when was the last time you lusted over someone besides your doctor I don't lost over him Oh my God There's this boy I have the hugest crush on We met on Hinge But he's actually

His Hinge was set to the Watts Village But he's in Monaco Exotic I know he's from there And we were like messaging like All day, every day And he's like has a super Italian accent He's like, Chloe

And I'd be like I'm in Italy right now I'd be like Oh you're having pizza And then he calls me, he's like, I say, are you a spying on me? Like, because great, every Italian family has a pizza. I feel you are a spy. And I was just like, I love to the guy.

And pushing his date back to come to America and spend six months. So to wrap this up, you've gone through some fucking hard-ass times. Thank you. You've had some lows. You're welcome. What advice would you give to the little devils on how to cope with. with your hell when you're going through it? I would say,

don't tell too many people because actually when I am going through something, or if I like a guy, if things aren't going, well, I'll reach out to so many people because, you know, you just want everyone's opinion and then you start to get diluted in it and some people will say what you don't want. And then, you know, just like talk to one person

you really trust and you value. You're right. It can add anxiety. And also you stop hearing your own voice when you're clouded. And then also when something's bothering you, a lot or you're upset about it, the way to keep it alive is to keep talking about it. So, like, for example, if I really like a guy and he doesn't like me, if I keep talking about how he doesn't like me over and over again to people and people, like, it keeps it alive. So if I'm just like, okay, I talked about this, it's over, like whatever, move on. That's what I've really noticed.

It's funny because a lot of stuff, it's like you've done it with guys where you'll get obsessed and then you've, move on or like you'll be obsessed with drinking and then you'll move on and it comes back and forth but it's really when it just stops being a subject that you wake up and feel a weight on you about like imagine waking up and just not thinking about alcohol or waking up and not thinking about that guy totally it's it's really it's a it's a lot of my drink it's a shame cycle and when you keep in a shame cycle you can't grow so basically if I wake up and I'm like I'm so depressed I drank last night I'm such a loser my day I'm going to have that in my head and then go through my day whereas if i wake up and i'm like today's a new day

yesterday happened i didn't kill anyone whatever i'm moving forward you know yeah a lot of it is that positive self-talk like once i realize that being nice to myself is not being weak it's actually makes me a better person and gives me positive energy like it's create imagine waking up after like fucking up every relationship in your life and be like you just see that like little chloe just being like hey you're loved even if it's not by any of these you're in a child it's like i still love you and i'm here for you yeah i read i'm reading this book right now it's called meditations by marcus aurelius one of the greatest orators of the world and uh he's from like 100 b uh ad i don't i'm so random but it's all about it's all about like just being nice to people and other

people like just because what they're going through like it shouldn't affect you it's all about just like accepting the moment and like death will come for everyone so live in the day carpe diem julius sees it i love that for you julius thank you so much for coming to hell where can people watch you where can people listen to you where can people follow you give me the deets so i live at 769 what's your soche i don't want you i want your social security number trying to get in your bank account um i used to say that to guys what's your number and they'd be like 9-1-7 i'm like uh i want the social security number um you can uh you can you can you can You can follow me on Instagram at Chloe LaBranch. There's E at the end of LaBranch. Yeah, follow me on

Instagram at Chloe LaBranch. And then I made a YouTube channel for my full videos. And then I'm on TikTok. I just got it. And I got Twitter in 2018. And, oh yeah, I remember when you got Twitter. You wrote, before you message a guy, make sure you don't just need to hug your dad. No, I wrote, I go to the guy I double texted. I don't like you. I just miss my dad. Yes. I nailed it. I remember. you posted that and I was like Chloe's on Twitter she's hilarious watch news for women yes and you're the fucking best I love you so much Hannah you are too and you're on this wild journey and we're in it together we're on it together I'm so honored that you asked me to come

to hell because I was like I've been at this party for years yeah hell was very spicy today and I'll talk to you guys later bye Thank you.