Berner Phone - Chris Distefano: The Italian Stallion & Brooklyn Sperm

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

Chris goes to hell and discusses why he doesn’t stand for anything, being a zaddy, his unique sperm, how he would exchange physical therapy services for stage time, paying for dates, the power of saying no to opportunities, how he’s had 9 pilots dropped and cancelled, CBD oil, anxiety Tuesdays, dating with a daughter, his off center nipple, codependency, his crush on Gwen Stefani, his favorite quotes, and how he really feels about his daughter. Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What is happening, I can look at your knee or your elbow and they would pull their dicks out. Well, my knee is on my dick? On my dick, they're like, is that an STD? And I would always like that's, it's out of my scope of practice to tell you if that's an STD or not. As a human being, I know for sure it is. So I would go to the doctor. I'm not saying I can't clinically treat that because it's outright a fucking flare-up. Welcome to Burning in heaven.

What's up, guys? I'm your host, Hannah Burner. Today we have a special guest who's been dodging me for weeks. It's a mind game he plays. I know what he's doing. Finally he came. I don't know what. He got bored with the game.

I don't know what happened. Welcome, Chris Ocephano. Hi, I was playing hard to get. But the truth is, is every time we were going to come in, my psoriasis was flaring up. So I didn't want to be here with a psoriasis flare up. So now I'm good to go. And how do you explain how you look right now then?

What I look like right now is a fucking straight white male, the head of the patriarchy, get used to it. So this masculine straight white male walks in and grabs a yogurt, organic dairy-free cashew girt. Yes. Explain yourself. Okay. What was the thought process? I went in, I just freaked out a little bit.

You were like, there's free food. So there was, like, food that I could have eaten, like, just like a straight white mouth. There was a beef jerky right there. Yeah, from Brooklyn, New York. And trust me, I like to put beef jerky in my mouth. Shout out Chelsea. And I, instead, I got an awakened, an awakened wheat grass juice with sliced up aloeira in it. And then I got a cashew yogurt, and I used a gender neutral bathroom.

I like that you don't abide by gender norms. I think it's hot. Thank you. I am very much one of these people that I, I'm just what literally, like, whatever you want me to do, I'll do. Like, I don't have any, like, ideals that I stand for. My opinions, shut up. I just am like, I just want to get through the day every day.

I just want to be left alone. So whatever you need me to say, where do you need me to march? I'll fucking do it. I'll do it. Do you regret the cashew yogurt? The cashew yogurt genuinely tasted like barbecue pork rinds. I don't know why. It's a cashew yogurt, and it tasted like it was expired,

but it wasn't expired. It's very fresh. But it didn't taste great. But as I was saying, while I was eating it, I have a four-year-old daughter. And what we're going over with her right now is because she wants to quit Taekwondo because she's racist.

She wants to quit Taekwondo. And I'm like, are you anti-Asian? Why do you want to quit Taekwondo? She's like, I don't like it anymore. I'm like, that's racist. Stop hanging out with your grandpa. And she, what I've told us, what we start, we finish.

So if you don't like it, I'm sorry, but we will finish it and then we'll move on to a new activity. what you start, you will finish. I need to, that needs to be ingrained in her. So I did not like that yogurt at all. And TBH, I don't like this aloe vera juice, but I'm going to finish that too. So if I have to leave in about 20 minutes to go puke, then that's just what we're going to do.

But I'm going to come back and finish this podcast. So I just want to let you know. Are you done? Yes. Do you have any tour dates that you want to promote? Yeah, hold on. If you make it through this podcast without dying. If I make it through this podcast, yeah.

without just exploding into fucking kale chips. The truth is Chris has been touring and he's, you know, he's a busy man. Yeah, I'm biz. Okay, so 919 to 921, that's September. Come to the punchline in Atlanta, Georgia, 927 to 28, Uncle Vinnie's, Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Uncle Vinnie's.

That guy pays in hard cash, which is unbelievable. October 3rd to the 5th, Comics Mohegan Sun, October 10th to the 12th, Punchline, Sacramento. And then November 29 to the 30th, big one, Gotham Comedy Club, New York, fucking city. New York City. I'm from New York. And then the next day, December 1st, I'm taking my daughter to Disney World. Cute.

That's adorable. Do you, like, use your daughter to flirt with chicks about you being, like, a hot dad, about you being a zaddy? A zaddy? No, I think I have no. Is she like a little puppy for you? You can say it. Do you use your daughter to get ass? Yeah.

Do I, yeah. when my daughter is like I don't want to put a bow in my hair I'm like you need to put a bow in your hair because I'm trying to get late tonight or the other option is what you can do is I can have her go to the park with her hair a mess

and cruise for hot moms and then have the hot moms come over and hate me he doesn't know how to brush hair even now no I don't I don't know I just like really like love my kid

so I'm always like with her and she's just always I always let girls know Like literally in the first conversation First couple of texts It's like even if I'm not with my daughter They'll be like what are you doing tonight I'll have shows

But I have to go to bed early Because I'm picking up my daughter And then I'm like Oh either it'll be like How old is she? That's cute Or be like I didn't know you have kids And then it's like just like Then the next question is like

Are you still with the mom like what And then I'm just like get away I'm just done It gets complicated Then it gets complicated But I personally now I've been single for a while now So I've like at a point now we're like, I guess I prefer to just have a girlfriend because it's a little bit like I just turned 35 a couple of days ago.

So it's a little bit like, you know, I have a kid and I have like a life and, you know, my own have like my responsibilities in order. But I feel a little bit like, you know, am I just going to be like it's not cool to like buy sneakers and get pussy anymore for me. It's like, you know what I mean? Like I'm in my mid 30. So it's like, do you want to try to start to look for a woman to settle down with or do you just want to be? be on fucking stock X and you know Raya is that what you want to do it's gross yeah when you got Delilah got popped out you weren't looking for a serious relationship till Ila um Delilah was created on the second date so that was one of those things where it's like well so you

hate condoms I'm raw dog Chrissy D oh no no no it was just I don't it was just um I love condoms Magnum, shout out They're baggy I I'm a big fan of condoms But with Can you like stop lying to me It's like we gotta be real

We all have HPVU I hate condoms I'm not going around me like oh condoms Deepa condoms fucking suck They do suck They do I always take them off You start and you don't finish You got to finish

I know I'm an idiot Anyway, Chris and I are bonding because we're both from Brooklyn. The way you can tell someone's from Brooklyn is they will tell you they're from within the first two minutes of meeting them. Absolutely. And that's what we both did to each other. What it is. We literally the first thing, go, where are you from?

I go, Brooklyn, where you're from? Brooklyn. Also, when you're Italian, it's the first thing you do. Are you Italian? I'm half Sicilian. I thought you were Jew. No, that's, I'm half like Russian, Austrian, Jewish, Polish. I knew that.

And then my mom is, like, Sicilian. To the tea. To the tea. Like, dirty southerner. But your dad is like full, but did you, were you raised Jewish? His dad was Jewish and they got punched in the face by a rabbi because he had a big mouth and was like fuck religion. I'm done. He was like an atheist before his time.

So you weren't raised Jewish at all? No. Okay. I wasn't raised with anything. You were raised just like, whatever. Let's go to school. I'm just like Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

But wait, so how old are you? How old do you think I am? 24. Oh my God, you're adorable. I'm 28. Okay. But I have that thing we're like, I'm still into guys with backwards hats. Yeah.

A guy wears a fucking backwards hat. I don't care if he's 38. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I like that. And I should grow out of it, but I haven't. I have a very big head. I don't wear hats. I have a size eight hathead.

It's very hard to find. These you have to check the basement. Are you like bragging right now? Are you embarrassed? No, I mean, like, it's an extremely big head. It's a physically big cranium that I don't have hat. Like, I'll go into that store lids. Oh, yeah.

You have a size eight. And they'll be like, no, you have to go online or get that specially made. an eight and then like you're not an eight and then I'll put it on they'll be like so you like sneakers were you a sneaker head when you were younger not really I mean I have sneakers and you know but I'm not really I don't think I'm not really into anything do you know what I'm into do you know like what like me you like to make people laugh to make you feel better by yourself yes I'm dead inside you know what I really like I love history all I do is read history books oh yeah you have history hyenas the history hyenas yes history hyenas podcast with yannis pop was also

I love that podcast, don't you? I fucking love that podcast. But I also just love, like, I just like, I'm reading this book or I've just finished it called 1776 about like the first year. Oh yeah, I had to read that in high school. Yeah, it's about like just like the Revolutionary War. And I'm just like, where'd you go to high school? Archbishop Malloy.

Oh, damn. High school. All boy Catholic high school. Gay. Janis went to York prep or something. I think that's private. You guys both play basketball? Yeah, I played like for real though.

I played like high school in college. He's like, you know, he just like likes the game. I was like a competitive athlete. Oh, wait. Where'd you play in college? St. Joseph's College in downtown Brooklyn. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. Where'd you go to school? I went to the University of Wisconsin. Oh, I'm performing there in October. Comedy on State is like the best. No, I'm doing comedy on state that Thursday.

Oh yeah, that's like October 17 to 19th. But like before I'm doing, the day before I'm doing University of Wisconsin, ash gosh, but gosh, I'm doing that and then I'm driving, whatever it is.

What do you think of Midwest crowds? Love them. And I love Madison. Madison's dope as fuck. I love. The Midwest is good because it's like they're just actual real people. Like sometimes I feel like New York and L.A. are just like little islands off the coast of Real America.

You're like paper straws. You're like, shut up. Just shut up. But you walked in and ate a cashew yogurt so I can't take you seriously anymore. I know, but I didn't do it for any reason. I can't wait to meet this like hardcore Brooklyn man. I'm sick of these like bougie finance dudes. And you fucking come in.

Yeah. And I'm like, hey, can you lube this up my ass? Did you know the aloe stuff has like little pieces of hard aloe in it? Yeah. Yeah, it's good. And it's got a lot of sugar, actually. It's not keto. So you were an athlete.

Do you miss basketball? Do you miss competing? Like after college, did you go through it all in an identity crisis? Yeah, a little bit. But I feel like comedy just replaced like that gaping, like when I would look forward to like games and practices playing basketball, now I just look forward to like shows and jokes. It gives you that high.

I just have a huge hole in me emotionally. And it needs to be filled. So it's filled. me too but more physically there you go yeah and listen it's starting to get to that point with me physically too it's tramp on a dildo spin the wheel um did you want to be a dad actually yeah yes i wasn't i wasn't like i was never that guy that was like oh my god kids are going to ruin my life i was like i didn't have a kid i feel like italian everything's about the family the family the family yeah like when my kid's mom said that she was

pregnant i was just like well i mean it was the second date and she was like well what should was it a good two dates? Yes, it was great. And she was like, what should we do? And I was like, I mean, it's obviously your body, your choice. But I was like, but I was like you, if you are asking me, I know it's fucking nuts, but I was like, I would be a good dad. And I would like love the kid. I promise you I'd love the kid. I don't know if we'll get married and do all that. Did you have scares before? Yes. Oh, so this was. No, I got women pregnant before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was not. So this was like your 10th time and you're like, I feel like the universe is telling me something. Okay, so let me tell you a little story about my cum.

Okay, so it's a cute little bedtime story. Kids, get ready, get your chocolate milk. Is it saturated? Yes. So I... Or do you just fuck all the time without a condom? No, put it on. Don't blame your cum.

No, there was a couple of women, girlfriends, that, you know, on birth control or whatever, and you like got pregnant with me, right? And so it happened and it happened. And then even this time, you know, like when I have... my daughter, like, initially, like, was their birth control was the same thing. So, and we took a plan B and everything. Like, it was, like, crazy. It was like, you know, like that.

This is becoming an abstinence only. Yeah. On my podcast. So we go to the doctor. Yeah. And I explained that to the doctor. And they're like, okay, well, like, they need to know that, especially like an OBGYN, because she's like, oh, you know, if plan B was in there, like chemicals, like there's a whole thing.

And obviously the baby was fine. Thank God. And it was all good. But she's a strong ass. baby oh strong as fuck baby she like yeah one of her kids in her class had to blow it as candles on an iPad because he's allergic to candle smoke I was like we're changing schools I'm not you're not going to schools with these kids okay it's like literally you're not going to go to school next to a kid who's allergic to candle smoke now give me my fucking cashew yogurt and let's leave yeah what's going

out with your cum yeah okay so my cum is cashew yogurt open up um So I did Do you pull out? Yes. No, you did not pull out. There's no way. Yes. You're a fucking lying to me.

I'm pretty sure I pulled out. Were you drunk? No. I don't know what I was doing. Whatever you're doing and you stop it. I don't regret it though. I genuinely don't regret it at all. But I love it.

I would do it again. But so the doctor, OBGYN was like, you should go get your sperm looked at then. Maybe it's like you. And I was like, what? And Oh, your head probably got even bigger He's like, you have power sperm

No, well, they were like, at first they were like The doctor was like, I don't know Like you could be like hyperproducing sperm Like that could actually be a problem And I was like, oh great And I'm fucking terrified So, so I go Donate the sperm

Which is wild to do You just have to jerk off into a cup In a room It's so funny because you can get turned on Like at any moment Like in a hospital Someone's like dying of cancer next to you And you're like, okay

This magazine You jerk off like that tip yeah you genuinely no they have porn like you can either watch it on your phone like they have porn or a magazine or you can do it like a doctor can just come in and tap your prostate and you can shoot it out it's up to you they're like the doctor can come in and um or the nurse and you know feel around for your prostate and it will automatically come out or you can jerk off i was like can i have both wait is that like a trick to make guys come like immediately it's like science like it's just like it pushes it out.

It pushes it out. Yeah. So you could do that. But so anyway, I did it. And then like a week went by. They're like, oh, whatever we'll call you. Because I donated, like, I actually donated my sperm. Like I froze it and like, whatever.

So they call me like a week later. And they're like, hey, can you come in? And I was like, that's interesting. I was like, why? And they were like, like, the doctor just wants, has a couple of questions for you. Your sperm has four. legs and we've never seen this before.

No, they're like, everything's, this is all true. And I'm telling you. They're like, it's all fine, but like, we just have a couple of questions. So I go and make an appointment, come in, like, maybe a few days after that. And there's four doctors in the room. Four of them. And so they're sitting around and they come in and, like, one of the doctors is, like, laughing. He's like, you're the guy?

And I was like, yeah. It's kind of fucked up. The doctor would be laughing at you? Yeah. It was weird. It was, like, really weird. I mean, this was four years ago. Imagine it was, like, 2019.

like they would never be allowed to do that and fucking laugh at me I would sue the shit out of them like, no, I do this for Beyonce whatever I don't know so don't bring Beyonce

I know I love Beyonce Ruth Bader Ginsburg yes so so the doctor asked me like legit he's like where were you born

that was his first question I'm like St. John's Hospital Queen's New York yeah boy yeah and she was like he was like you know can you confirm that with your mom. I swear. I was like, you want me to call my mom right now? And they were like,

yeah, like, if you wouldn't mind, like, just confirm it with her. So I call my mom, and I'm like, mom, where was I born? She's like, St. John's Hospital. What do you mean? And I'm like, are you positive? She goes, absolutely. You're my son. Like, you know, like, she was just like, she gets all upset. Yeah. She's like, who, what's going on? Is somebody playing tricks on you, honey? And I'm like, no. I'm like, no, I just, I'm at the doctor's office. They just wanted to verify. She's like, absolutely, you're born to St. John's hospitals, you know? So I'm like, yeah I am and they're like you look like your family and I'm like yeah I do and they're like okay they're like because you have the doctor told me five times the amount of sperm in normal he didn't

say load but he I think he said he said like ejaculation he was like in in basically it's five times the amount of sperm in a normal load as as a regular man he said so here's what's happening it's we don't know he said we've only seen this is true he said and this was four years ago before it was even a show he goes we've only seen this and children born outside Chernobyl like the nuclear reactor shut the fuck yeah so he was like we just wanted to know if maybe you were adopted from russia because that was very common in the early 80s when this happened they were like so or mid 80s they were like so we just want to know you know what you're around the time also if you haven't watched trinople i thought it was fascinating

unbelievable show fascinating so they were like we we just want to know and i was like no and then like okay well they were like then the only other thing is like you know we want to just make sure that there's nothing going on down there. So I had to, like, go for tests. And then they found out that it's called my, it's called a cowper's gland. Like, basically, like, it's like what makes your fucking cashew yogurt. Yeah. It's like what?

It's like the factory that, like, makes your milk. And, and they said that for whatever reason, it's just overactive. And it makes a lot. So that then if you've made up this whole story when really you just didn't use a condom. Yeah. Just have to prove it to myself. Well, no. What they said was they were like, you know, here's,

then it was a female doctor at like this is a month later she goes here's your catch 22 she goes if you so it'll load up a lot right yourself she was like but you you're very good you're the guy if a woman is looking to procreate you're the choice you will get women pregnant if she's looking to have sex five times in a night you're not the guy because you take a while to reload but when you do reload there's a lot you have a high probability of very high probability of getting a woman pregnant. But you could still get hard in between and have sex? Yes, but it's hard to come.

I can, but it's harder, harder to come. What about when you're younger? Because I feel like guys in their 30s when they fuck, they need like three days break and guys in their 20s. I never thought about it, but as I thought about it when she told me that information, I was like, oh, that's always kind of been in vitro. So do you come more or just a lot, saturated?

A lot. No, it's like when it comes out, it's like, what is happening? There's so much cashier yogurt talk on this podcast. I know. people like yeah no the cashew comes flying out but then it takes like you know a good amount of time yes what how do you deal with this moving forward i kind of feel like because it's one of the it's a weird thing you're thinking about it like you've never thought about it before like oh shit no the way i deal with it now it's i'm very much now like

not that i don't care because obviously like i want to like have like a girl one kid what's more That, yeah, what's one more? Oh, I thought you meant, like, how do I deal with it? Like, not, like, telling women like, hey, I can't have sex five times in a night. Well, yeah, how do you deal with that? Like, you're seeing someone new and you want to make sure you're not. I used to, like, number one, two things happen. Of course, my child, but five years before that, I went to, like, a really bad breakup

where I was, like, devastated. Actually, it was, like, a year before my child. It was five years ago, like, devastated, where I was, like, kind of, like, broken down and almost like rebuilt again in a way. Yeah. Those are the best breakers. That plus my daughter, it's like, not that I don't care about women, I absolutely do, but like I couldn't, like I would never fall flat on my face again because of like a relationship.

It's never really about the guy or the girl. It's like issues that they brought out of you that you probably haven't coped with. Cope with that shit. And then I was like, I'm just not quick to getting involved with anyone because I know the potential harm it could have on your mental health by like trying to have a real relationship. Right. Right now I'm into like seeing people. for like four to five months until we get bored.

That's fine. You don't have to put labels on it. We get to know each other. Yeah. And if you're really meant to date, I feel like it'll happen. It'll happen. Yeah, I feel like having a relationship with like no pressure and like not putting any like any pressure or any like you said labels or anything like if you don't text me back.

It's like just fine. Oh, I have this thing. You can't start hot with texting because it will always go downhill whether you slow down or they slow down. Right. I'm just terrible texting throughout. If you want to talk, you can call me at night. Got it.

And I play that game. Or FaceTime or something. Or FaceTime's cute. FaceTime's cute. FaceTime. Yeah. I do on my daughter a lot because I'm on the road a lot. Yeah.

Do you ever bring her? I brought her a few places. She's never been on a plane yet because she had a stupid little ear infection and her ear jumps burst. So the doctor was like, don't bring on a plane for a few months. But now it's like healed. You don't want to blow her brains out. Yeah.

Yeah. So we're not. But I would like to bring her. More, I'm, you know, usually I go away. I'm like last flight, like, get there just in time on a Thursday and then first flight home on Sunday, because I really hate, like, being away from it. Like, it really is the only hard part about my job where I'm just like, like, like, my agents sometimes can't believe the shit I turn down.

They're like, wait, what? You're going to say no to that? I'm like, yeah, hello. Because you'll be miserable doing it. Yeah, I'm going to, I'm not going to fucking miss Halloween with my kid. And they're like, yeah, but you're like, this club is offering a lot of money. I'm like, well, tell them to give me a name. other date. Like, I don't fucking know what you want. I own an apartment in Brooklyn. You think I need

this shit? Do you say, do you say no a lot? I do. Now I do. I used to not. I used to be like, yes, yes, yes. And then I felt so bad about myself on the road because I'm like I... Like you're getting abused? Yeah, that. And I just, I just have priorities. Like, I just, I genuinely don't want to be away from my kid, you know? And I make enough money in Manhattan where it's like, I can survive off what I have... I mean, I have to go on the road and sell tickets. And when you put stuff out, I mean, you need that. So I like all. to the other cities but it's got to be on my terms and the money has to be right like time has become as valuable or even more valuable currency than money to me it's like you know so how have

you changed as a person you've probably got this before but since having your daughter do you have a different perspective on your priorities and stuff um i'm on estrogen therapy i'm legit becoming a woman which is why i do you feel like a mom i do feel like a mom i like to fucking tuck it back and make pancakes um oh it's adorable thank you um women has to have an ass like mine i um so you think like how have i changed yeah because people are always like when i became a mother i never knew what love was until i saw that baby look me in the eye yeah i felt i feel like this i felt feel like when i became a dad number one i it was my first time experience with unrequited love, meaning, like, I want my daughter to love me back.

I really, really do. Like, I hope she loves me. But it's genuinely one of those things where, like, I don't care if you, I don't care because you can tell me to your blue in the face that you hate me, like, I'm always going to just be in love with you and hear for you. Like, so it does. That's like my cat. Yeah, exactly.

She can ignore me all day and I'm like, anything like, anything else. Love you. Yeah, like, there's nothing that would ever push me away from her. So that's one. to selflessness So like I used to live I don't think I was ever like A crazy selfish person

I mean but you know I lived my life for my bills And my holidays And all that stuff But now like Living for You have to live for yourself first Because like I know I need to be happy

So my daughter's happy Just like my kid's mom needs to be happy So she's happy So I'm aware of that I keep all that in mind But you know Genuinely like If she is happy

That dictates my happiness so it's really a double-edged sword yeah it's selflessness and it's like i'm in third place fourth place sometimes in my own life which is okay you know i i don't it doesn't all have to be me me me or like i even notice like with my work now it's like you know if if if if a mistake is made or or or if my name's not first on the list or whatever it is i don't care i'm like it's okay like whatever i i just genuinely even i had big opportunities like i had a cbs sitcom about my life we filmed it

I mean it got like really close I remember that coming out in the news Yeah and it just didn't get picked up And I took like You know a couple of By the pilot Everything it was like Like it was literally between my show

And another show that they did pick up And then they canceled it But it was like that close It wasn't like when people are like Oh I had a pilot And it's like you really just like wrote a script Like this was actually like It was as

When your friend got high and wrote a three page script Yeah it was like And like CBS liked it on Twitter No, I'm talking about, like, this, like, genuinely... Yeah, I saw articles where it's like, this shit's going to get picked up. It was as close as you could get. So, so... And it didn't happen.

And, you know, I think some of my peers, you know, who don't have children, would have just kind of just stayed in that sorrow and that negative energy for months and months and months. But I didn't. I was in it for, like, literally a couple of hours on a flight by myself coming home. And then when I saw my daughter and we went out to the park, and, you know, I was pushing her in the swing. I, because I was talk to her, and I said she was two and a half at the time. And I, you know, because I'm just like, whatever.

I was like, hey, baby, like, you know, that thing Daddy was doing? She was like, no. I was like, well, you know, that big show daddy had that we were talking to you about. Like, it didn't get picked up. And she was like, oh, she was like, can we still watch Mickey Mouse and the Roadster Racers? That's all she asked. And I was like, yeah, of course we can. And she goes, oh, okay.

So it was very like, to me where it's like, okay, so it doesn't matter. None of this really matters. what matters is that I can watch Mickey Mouse in the Road to R- That's my sitcom That's like that's my thing That I won Yeah Mickey Mouse and the Roads to Racers The writing is just incredible

If they were to fucking cancel that show Like they canceled Sophia the first Which was another huge cartoon They fucking canceled it And I'm like what are you fucking assholes doing Why would you cancel that show What is my daughter supposed to watch now But now she watches

Now we're into movies now Now it's all Disney movies And old school Disney movies I love Disney movies disputing the beast. It's like, you know much, you know much of Pocahontas-style Kants in the fucking Disney store? No.

Shit ain't cheap, girl. You better keep selling out. Seriously, that's why I go on the road is to buy my kid Disney shit. Would you rather her go into sports or go into comedy? It has to be one of those because the answer is whatever she wants to do, truly. But I guess I would rather her go into sports over comedy because I think there's a lot of searching within yourself to be a comedian and you start to find a lot of dark stuff about your life. And I'm not saying you have to have a horrible life to be a good comedian,

not at all, but I do know that, you know, you're not people who have their shit together and who have had very good childhoods and everything seemed to work out for them. That's great, but they're not interesting. Those are boring people. Well, I feel like they're not searching because there's nothing to search for it. And you get into comedy because you're like, all this fucked up shit, how do we cope? Exactly. So it's like, exactly. It's like my dad and mom got divorced when I was, and my dad would call me every night and he would just call me like check in and like what's up champ he would always call me champ and he's like yeah and he's like and i'd be five years

old and i'd be like legit crying when my mother's like oh hold on because i knew it was my dad would be crying but then to mask the tears i would try to you know whatever it means to a five-year-old make a joke or be silly or be like make faces into the phone and it was just a coping mechanism you know that's pretty dumb because he can't see your face too it was a fucking rotary dial-up phone it's a i was a dumb shit so so i would do that And now as I look back, I'm like, oh, so I've always just used a sense of humor to, like, try to cope with things. So, you know, my daughter, she's very witty, which I love, like, crazy. Her preschool teacher has been a preschool teacher for like years told me that she put on in the, in the wintertime,

she put on everybody's coats, all her friend's coats, and was like walking around with everybody's jacket, being like, looking how silly I am. And, like, the teacher was like, you know, I've been teaching for a long time. I've never seen a child do that. that's like pretty interesting and creative I was like oh dope and then like a couple of days later we were by my mom's house and I was like telling them like oh you know they told me Delilah put on all her coats and like was like being like silly and my mom goes hold on and bust out a picture of me when I was three years old I did the same thing shut I like got chills and my mother was like

yeah don't you remember like with sister Bernadette I'm like no I was three I don't have memories that's yeah I was in a Catholic preschool thank God she's not a little boy because then you'd have so much sperm oh my god I hope she doesn't have so many eggs So how do you think your dad affected you now as a father? Because I know in your jokes, you have some hysterical stuff about your dad, classic Italian dad. You know what? To be honest with you, there was a lot of things that my dad, I think, first of all, he's a great father. He had every reason to leave and he never left.

So that was great. So that's a good example, especially being a co-parent now, which he did. He said a lot of great examples. Like, you know, always, you know, even though you're not together anymore, like protecting the mother and never saying a bad word. He never uttered not a bad word at all about my mom to me. My mom used to fucking curse about him all the time. So whatever, he did more damage to her than she did him.

So I get it now. But that one. And I think my dad, what he taught me like the, not negative, but he kind of always had like the right intention. He always had the right intention, but he would make the wrong move a lot where I can now I think hopefully have the right intention

to make the right move like for example like my dad my mom was dating this guy when I was like 15 and the guy dumped her and started dating a woman who lived directly across the street

dumped my mom and that really was upsetting to my mom I mean she was like dating this guy for like years and now he's dating a woman who lives across the street like it's fucking fuck sociopath so anyway my dad was coming to pick me up for like practice whatever sport one day on a Saturday when I was a teenager and and um he saw her like looking out the window and he was like what's going on with your mother and I'm like that guy

dumped her and he was like are you going to do something about that I was like I'm 15 years old I fucking gurd what do you want me to do about that and and he was like I'll be right back and then he like he got the bat no he beat the shit out of this guy like he rang his bell and like beat the shit out of him and like left him like bloody on the stoop and was like like that was your job and I'm like that was not I'm a teenage boy you want to beat up a father and then it was like yeah so it's like that's what so it's like that's right attention wrong move where it's like yeah yeah or like I remember when I was a kid when I was like 10 we were at a Yankees game and this guy Doc Good and Dwight Gooden was pitching a no hitter it's like a big moment

and it was like the eighth inning and we were like our seats were all the way high but my dad was like this is going to be history I want to get you behind home plate which is like most dad's like okay, like just like try to get me down there and put me on your shoulders and let me see or just like, hey, like, let's enjoy the moment from up here. Like dad'll work harder to get better seats or whatever that lesson is. But he was like, not going to do it. So, so he told the security guard, he tried to give the security guard 50 bucks. He wasn't having it. So he was like, my son has special needs. That's what he said. He makes faces on the phone. He makes people can hear it. Yeah, he drools on the phone. So they're like, he has special needs. And the security guard

like looked at me and let us through. So I look like, I guess I had special needs. My My fucking big ass head with a mushroom haircut. Every kid in Brooklyn had a mushroom haircut. Oh, shout out the lemon tree. Yeah. So. My crush, he used to play basketball and he'd wear his shorts at his knees. Like, you just see his whatever purple underwear.

He had the cutest little blonde, little haircut. Yeah. Backwards cap. True. True. So he. So my dad had a right intention, wrong move. So he's a good dad.

He's a great dad. So I think I learned what I'll learn from him is. And also he always put me first. Like my child is like first. It was all out of love. All out of love. My papa had a story where he said he was walking down the subway and he's this tough Sicilian guy.

And he said some guy was walking up and looked at him like the wrong way. And he goes, I just knew he was going to rob me. So I punched him in the face and broke his nose. And I said, but what if he wasn't going to rob you? Yeah, what if he was like one of those religious guys? Have you heard the good news? How do you do it? Yeah.

And this guy just got fucking rock. That's hilarious. Because when I was younger, I was like, wow, he's so strong. And later on, I was like, that poor dude might have just, like, thought he recognized you from somewhere. Yeah, because Park Slope back in the day. You grew up in, like, an Italian neighborhood, right? He was in East New York. Okay.

East New York was, like, the Italian neighborhood. My grandfather, the other side was in the Bronx, and then they got to Park Slope. So you're, like, you're doing pretty well in your career. You've had a couple pilots drop, but I've had nine pilots not go to air, so I'm Chrissy Pilots. Here's my life. Either I get the pilot, and it gets as close as it can be, and they don't pick it up, or it gets on for one season and then it's canceled immediately. Why?

I don't know. It's just kind of like my luck. Like I have a show in development right now at Comedy Central, a cartoon, and they're like, this is going to be the show, and then I'm just going to be in the toilet. So do you have like no expectations now? None at all. I, what my goal is and what I'm reaching, you know, I still have a lot more to do is selling tickets. I feel like if you have the fans in 2019, 2020, then like the networks can do, you know,

like Sebastian, Man O'Scal, Yeah. He didn't get his pilot picked up on NBC and he didn't care. He made $30 million the next year selling out. I feel like his shit popped off from like little viral Facebook videos that Italian moms would share. That's what it was. That's what it was. That's what it was.

He spliced up his special and put it out. He used utilized the internet. Do you know where I first saw you? No. Guy code. Oh, back in the Disney. Because I'm that like I was like 18, you know, guy girl code. In Madison, Wisconsin.

But like nowadays, that shit wouldn't fly. they'd be like, this is toxic masculinity. Oh, it'd be toxic or even, it wouldn't be, you wouldn't be watching TV. Like, if guy code and girl code, like, you still were at a point where it's like, you're one of the last generations of, like, you watch TV in your college dorm or at home. Yeah. Those kids don't watch TV anymore. It's like, is it on YouTube?

Yeah. Is it on Snapchat? Did you like guy code? I liked it. Yeah, I mean, it was my first thing I ever did. Like, so I, because I used to be a pediatric physical therapist. So I had left my physical therapy job. I actually almost got fired.

I was, I had to choose because I was leaving, I was missing. days at the physical therapy office to like go on the radio or talk shit about guys or guy you know talk fucking guy coat to hiding your boner to tell guys that hide the boner I did research on the subway over

because I'm a professional yes because you're half Jewish yes I was reading Forbes which apparently is legitimate website and they said some creepy shit about you what they say they said you get all worried what they say they said that you

would exchange physical therapy to comics for stage time in the beginning Michelle Wolf, Dan Soder, and Pete Davidson, you'd like jerk them off or something to get on stage? Yes. Yes. I would. As long as you're open about it. Not those three, but people out there to be unnamed.

You'd be like, ooh, your hip looks tight. Let me just work that out for you. No, no, no. They would come to me because nobody had health insurance. They'd be like, hey, I have a show at whatever, Gotham Comedy Club that I produce. Can you come on? And I'd be like, yeah, absolutely. They'd be like, yeah, you know, can you just the, what you have to do is, you know, take a look at my hip or

take a look at my shoulder or like certain kids it was a lot of male comedians it would it would be the same thing they would be like um hey you know like I heard you like have a doctor degree or whatever your physical therapist is like yeah so you're smart I'm gay so they were like um it would be the same thing they'd be like oh can you can you take a look at something I'm like yeah and it would always like go end with a happy ending until like the back of a green room or like a place where nobody is I'm like what is happening I can look at your knee or your elbow and they would pull their dicks out my knee is on my knee is on my Oh, my dick.

They're like, is that an STD? And I would always like that's, it's out of my scope of practice to tell you if that's an STD or not. As a human being, I know for sure it is. So I would go to the doctor. I'm not saying I can't clinically treat that because it's outright a fucking flare-up. So I would go get cream and an antibiotic and you'll be okay. But I'm not the person to give that to you.

But I would always be like, oh, you make me feel better, man. Like, it's just good knowing you're a doctor. I'm like, I'm not a real doctor, but you have a disease. Did you ever almost quit comedy? No, not, no, not comedy is like every day of my life feels like a Sunday afternoon. Like I just, it's very much like. I love that. Yeah, it's like just people are like, oh, Labor Day or a Monday grind or just over the hump, hump day.

I'm like, all these days, I mean, it's, I get it. But it's like, to me, the beautiful part about my life and my career, is it's me like today. I don't even know what, it doesn't matter what today is. And like this is technically work for us. Yeah. It could have been coffee talking shit.

Yeah. And it's legit work. Like people are, you know, paying for this, which is great. So it's like I, but you know,

I don't take it for granted. That's why, like, I'm very much like check my, I always try to check it on my gratitude. Yeah, because it's like, listen,

what, you know, like I used to be pediatric physical therapist. There's a beautiful career. I was like helping mentally and physically handicapped kids. It was beautiful.

Like I still work, talk to some of the families of the children I treated. It was really gratifying to help a child like get out of his or a wheelchair and walk. Wow. Beautiful. But I still was like looking at the clock every day. It would be like eight to three or seven to four. I remember that in my day job. I haven't looked at a clock.

I have not looked at a clock as if to say I can't wait until it's this time ever. The only time I look is like shit, I need more time to work on this or shit. I want to be on this podcast longer, but I have to run to something else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same with me. I only look at the clock.

if there's like a clock in a comedy club and like it's the first show and the second show is like they need to get it started like I can't do more than an hour and it's like okay look at the clock because you need to get the next show and that's it but that's all fun so you say every day feels like a Sunday speaking of days can you explain anxiety Tuesdays to me okay so anxiety because you've been doing it for a bit right yes so anxiety Tuesdays started on um social media I would I just like made this video on a Thursday because I genuinely thought it was Tuesday it was Thursday I was just having I was so anxious. And so I said anxiety Tuesday and I just spit out what I was anxious about that day and people really started to enjoy it. So I started to make them every week on any day but a Tuesday

but calling anxiety Tuesday and so many people like, it's not Tuesday, fucking idiot. And that was just like, that's like a nice mental note for me about this person sucks. Like if you're going to write that, like you just suck as a human being. If that brought you joy from calling me out on that obviousness, then you can go fuck yourself. You suck. But I stopped doing them because I realized number one, two things happened. I stopped going to Catholic Church and I started taking CBD oil and then my anxiety and guilt

and all that went away and I started to realize something happened. I had an awakening, wheatgrass awakened juice. I had an awakening maybe about a year ago, 18 months ago.

You know, me and my kids' mom split up. I was alone a lot. I was dealing with like navigating like how to be a co-parent and I was like, you know, I only have a finite amount of energy each day as I get older. It's like I can't waste it on this anxiety.

It's not real. Okay? Like what's real is being present and as full of energy as I can for my child and my time with her. Yeah. Anxiety is the future. The future isn't a thing. It's not a tangible thing. No.

Stay in the present. It's like I'm running a family here. Like I have to like make sure everybody has what they need. So it's like I can't, I don't have wasted energy on this bullshit. And then I started to realize the narcissism in my anxiety. and the narcissism in anxiety to begin with. It's like, look at me, my problems, me, me, me, me, me, when it's like, this is not about you.

What kind of stuff would you get anxious about a lot? Health stuff. Are you a hypochondriac? Yeah, all that stuff. But I'm not anymore. Now it's like, listen, if I'm trying to be as healthy as I can, if something pops up, we'll deal with it. Yeah.

If something kills me instantly, then by. We're all going to die eventually. So no matter what you do, we're all leaving this place in a body bag. So it's just what it is. You had to turn it Mafia. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're leaving this place with a bullet to the head. And so, and the police are not going to find the killers.

So I just real, I think it was something like now it's almost like when people are like, you know, because I, now I start to do, now I've been doing. I just did the first one a couple of days ago. It's called no anxiety Tuesday. And I talk about like how I don't have anxiety. I love that. I'm like, what I've been doing that help, but still in my rant and bullshit and blah, blah, blah, crazy. But the anxiety, it's just like, it's just become a thing. Now that I look back at the old me like that, or I not look at people, I don't judge people

with it, but I'm like, you know, if you realize the narcissism in all this, you would realize, you would not like the person that you are. Because I don't like the old anxiety me because that's a, that was like a selfish, just narcissistic guy. And it's like a spiral that you get in. And it was meaningless. It was so, the, it was so much wasted energy. Yeah.

So much. To get anxious, you're talking to yourself. So it's like all day you're talking to yourself. except instead of sitting there and enjoying the present and listening to people around here's how i live my life now if the question in my head starts with what if that's anxiety talking it's not a good question get rid of it also if it's not going to matter in five months then don't give it more than five minutes snaps snaps bang bang bang bang bang bang bang so that's all live my life you have to make it mafia yeah we're trying to have fun yeah get out of my neighborhood okay you're doing amazing you're so insightful

and open. We like to end the podcast with a final game called... What's the game? Seven deadly sins, bitch. Oh, my God. What's your favorite?

Can you stop mocking me? Fine. Seven deadly sins. Okay. What are you greedy about? Like, is it a negative thing? Like, am I greedy like with a time with my daughter?

It could be negative or positive. would say I'm greedy with the time of my daughter. Like I... Will you fight your baby mama about it? Like I just, like, this morning, like last night when I dropped her off, you know, I was like, oh, I'll see her today's Thursday. I was like, oh, I'll see her Friday. But then I had like an hour today.

And I was like, you know what? I'm going to fucking take my daughter a breakfast. Does she ever annoy the shit out of you, though? My daughter? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, she's four years old. So it's like, at times I'm like, Delilah, like, I'm going to fucking snap.

That's when, like, they want to play the game over and over again. But ultimately, it's like, I think that's nice. nature being like that's why like you when I look at my child like there there's nothing cute or that I love more because nature has to do that to protect the child because if if I didn't think it was that cute or lovable I'd walk away from it yeah you know but it's like I would never because it's like this is my kid it's like why people need to show you the photos of their kids and you're like yep that's the same photo you showed me but like there but to me it's like I have body dysmorphia when I look at it I mean she's beautiful but I'm like you don't understand how

fucking cute this fucking kid is what are you out of your mind people they're like I don't want kids it might be selfish but like it's just going to be annoying and time consuming I'm like you don't understand once you have that kid. No, you've never seen Chris DeSephano's kid. How many dates would it take for you to introduce a girl to her? That's a lot. Like, it's very... Because I could get very confusing for her.

I cannot, yeah, like, like, I would not do that, like, unless it's like very, very, very, like, serious. And I would talk about, talk about it with her mom first. That would be very, very, very, like, because I would not want to ever introduce her to a girl that I didn't think I was at least going. to really put my whole heart and soul into like having this woman around for a while because the last thing would ever want. Has your baby mama dated?

She's got a boyfriend now, which is great, which is great. Again, has it helped you move on? She was like confused. She was like confused when she first told me. She was like, are you not mad? I'm like, does he make you happy? And she was like, yes. I was like, well, if you're happy, then Delilah's happy.

And I'm here for Delilah's happiness. So whatever that, whatever on your end you have to do to make yourself happy. So Delilah's happy, you're her primary. female role model. You need to be happy. This guy's doing it. Good. Do you feel like you've been around the block?

I feel like, what are you, 35? I'm 35. I'm officially in my mid-30s. Holy shit. Yeah. You've been around the block. You've been with a lot of girls. Women.

Do you feel like you know your type more of like the kind of person you're looking for? Yeah. At this point now, I'd like a defeated woman. I don't want a woman. A tired woman. Yeah, I don't want a woman full of energy at all anymore. But I do actually want a woman.

It used to be. it used to be attractive to me co-dependency because it's like old school like oh this woman you cook you clean I work and give you the money that used to be attractive to me in a subconscious way

now it is not attractive to me at all I'm attracted to addicts because I know how to get them addicted to me and then I don't have to do much because they're fucking like yeah but it's like and then I'm like I have to stop dating the train will go off the tracks that way

exactly so now I want but it's easy in the beginning I want a woman now like what I'm looking for in a woman is obviously it's an ass um duh no i i like i want a woman who who likes having me but doesn't need me a woman that needs me i'm out with because i've dealt with that i don't like the way that feels i want us both to know like i would listen when you when you're with me there is still some like brooklyn things

about me like i don't care if you're a fucking multi i don't care if i'm dating judge judy i'm paying for every meal it's just what it is how judge duty was the most successful woman you could think up in that moment. Yeah, Judge Judy. I fucking banging Judge Judy. And it's like, yeah, I fuck Judge Judy. Could you imagine you heard that rumor? And I came on this podcast.

It was like, it's legit true. And I had pictures of me just back. She probably dominate the shit out of you. I know. I love Judge Judy. What is it a gravel? What's it called a gravel? Yeah, fucking gavel and just sticking in my ass.

So I want a woman who doesn't need me. But I would enhance her life. We would enhance each other's lives. Yeah. But she's not paying for shit, even though she has the money. okay okay like a financial dominating type thing yeah like I still want to pay for everything like it's very emasculating for like me to like a girl to pay for my meal I but I want to know she can and I want her to know that she can but it's just like this is how it's gonna be a

I feel like because it's ultimately gift giving right so like if I'm seeing a dude and it's been like three months together yeah I like to be able to like surprise him with like coffee and like a muffin that's beautiful what I want you to do yeah is I just want you to put on one of my t-shirts and make me food and let me watch you I just want to watch you with your hair and a ponytail with you making me food in one of my t-shirts. That's what I want.

Okay. Done. Done. Who are you envious of? Envious? I am envious of... See, envy... I'm comfortable with who I am.

So envy... I have goals. Like, I would love, like, a Jim Gaffigan's career or Sebastian Manuscalco's career because they can take their families or Bill Burr. They could just go to a place where they want to go.

Like, hey, I just want to go to Vancouver. It's beautiful there. tell their agent like, hey, can I go to Vancouver in two weeks? And then they'll just sell out a theater and make $50,000 and bring your whole family. I'm envious of that. And I'm pushing to get there. But it's not jealous of them because I know they work for what they have. But I guess envious, I'm kind of envious, I guess, of guys who have that side peck muscle.

Because no matter, my nipples are very off-centered. I'm envious of a guy who has nipples pointing forward because I know there is surgeries you can get for anything. Is one of them off or they're both off? No, one of them's off. And it's just one of my teeth looks like an anteater, no matter how much I die in. So I'm envious of a guy who just has a naturally fucking good-looking pack. Are you judgy about girls' nipples?

No. No. Girls, like literally, I'm one of those guys where it's like there's a, I love women. I appreciate women. So it's like, you know, like some of my friends are like, oh, she's got to have nice feet. I'm like, I don't give a fuck of them.

You know, like I'll show. Her feet look. It looks better than your feet. I'll show a picture of a girl to some of my friends that'll just zoom in on her feet. They're like, no, she's out. Look at a pinky toe. He needs to talk to therapist. Yeah.

But also, I think envy, like, what you have for Jim Gaffkin or something is more like, it tells you what you want to do. Yeah. And it doesn't mean you want to steal his kids and, like, wear your skin. No, there's no negative energy going towards it. But I guess, I get, it's just a goal, yeah. What do you gluttonous about? Gluttonous, I would say I'm gluttonous for pizza.

It's, like, disgusting how much pizza eat. So what's the pizza we have to go to in the city? in the city. Or in Bay Ridge. Actually, Bay Ridge, the pizza in Bay Ridge is nuts. Like Ninos, Lombardoes, Manchini's. These are all real names of pizzerias that are so good. I know.

Yeah. The pizzeria by you is good on 7th Avenue. What is it? I'm talking about Park Slow. Park Slope. Pinos. Pinos. I grew up on Pinos.

That's great pizza and very old school vibe in there. I love that. I love that place. The orange lighting. Fucking dough. They have the little icees. Oh, the zeppoli that I would like sneeze on every time it gets everywhere. Yeah, I would say I'm gluttonous for a pizza.

Now I'm turned on. Like I haven't been turned on this whole time. Yeah. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Where are you from in Italy, like your family? My family, my dad's family, I believe, is from like Palermo, Sicily. But I'm mostly German. I'm from Palermo.

Oh, my God. I am from Palermo. Do you sell family there? No, I've never been to Italy ever. What the fuck? I've only been to German. I've never been to Italy. No one cares.

Why haven't you been to Italy? Because I think I'm more German than anything. You know? Everything I thought about you is a lie. It's such a lie. Like you've been lying to me this whole time. No, I am Italian, but it's like, I, my, I was raised Italian, like, in the neighborhood I'm from. Do you have an anger?

Like, do you have, because I know, like, I feel like Italian guys are very passionate. Like, my mom's Sicilian. She's, like, the sweetest thing, but you don't wrong that bitch. Yeah, see. Like, I get angry on the tennis court. Like, I'm pretty... That's such a white, basic bitch thing to say. I was a tennis player.

I played for Wisconsin. Man, on the tent. Are you going to the U.S. Open? Yeah. I used to work at the U.S. Open. I used to be a bull. And court attendant. You're so cute.

All those angry Russian girls, they were so mean to you, weren't they? Well, no, the court attendants, it's interesting because it's like Wimbledon, the French Open, all that stuff. It's very prestigious to get jobs here. Like, it's very prestigious. It's like... A lot of training. It's like, well, training. And it's also like, you know, like in the Wimbledon, it's like members of Parliament,

children are the court attendants like thing in u.s. open they just get dirt bags from queens it's just like we're like the biggest piece of all the kids from queens yeah i know all the we don't give a fuck we were like we don't even know the rules like fuck this pussy you know like my i agree with you 100% it's just like kids who your parents are like hey instead of like getting into trouble why don't you go right and fucking work during the day yeah so do you have anger um i i don't have anger um to be honest with you I don't like I like I like I feel like so many guys are like yeah I've got this anger side to me it's not hot it's not attractive to be honest with you like like like I said like it's not going to matter in five years I don't give him more than five minutes I I'm you know

obviously protective of are you tough on your daughter or do you ever like firm like do you ever yell at her I mean there's times where I have to give her timeouts like trying to discipline her but it's like I'm not that father that's like you yeah you fucking go near my daughter shoot you it's like you know I'd rather not doubt her beg she ain't having sex she's 40 it's like you're gonna let her be herself I'd rather be the father that's like at 16 years old like when if I

have a conversation with her and give her condoms as opposed to I love that so much being naive about it my brother and my dad are like not protective of me at all they're very like but I guess they just tell me not to ruin other people's lives my dad's like just leave the poor guy alone

he didn't do anything to you and I'm like dad I'm trying to find love here and he's like well don't mess with his head, you know, the poor kid, don't mess with his head. I'm like, who are you rooting for? Yeah, yeah. Like, I'll tell my mom a text message. You guys sent me. My dad's like, this poor guy, he didn't want his text to be read to your mother. What are you doing? I'm like, she's helping me analyze it. Yeah. Anyway, but I'm just saying, he gave me confidence by not being so like putting the

dick on a pedestal. Right. He's like, so I respect myself. I get it. Respect yourself. I respect. I put some respect on my name. When it was the last time you were a sloth? Sloth is laziness, right? Because I feel like you're one of the harder working guys in the biz. You know what? Sometimes, to be honest with you, I get that. Everything I thought about you is a lie. To be honest with you, sometimes I do get that a lot, like my peers, which is nice.

Do you do a ton of sets during the week? Yeah, I have like, you know, three, four sets tonight. You do the seller? Cellar. Comedy seller a lot. You don't do the stand? I do the stand, yeah, but I'm at the comedy seller a lot. I'm actually at the stand and the comedy seller tonight.

I, uh, sometimes I feel like, shit, am I some kind of like, phony because people are like you're working so hard, but sometimes I don't feel like I am. I'll be like in the middle of the afternoon, like on my love sack watching history documentaries or like... Which is research for history holiness? Or like just watching wreck at Ralph a hundred times at my daughter. And sometimes

when she falls asleep, I still watch it because I fucking love that movie. But that is good to refuel you. Like spending time with her daughter, I think helps you long term. Yeah, I think you know, I do need to take more of a break. but I don't know but also someone on vacation

I don't know but also your job is like it is but you know what though like Bill Burr was saying something on his podcast who I love he was saying like you know but it is like we are working like it's such a beautiful job and it's beautiful

but it's like we still are working like even if he was like even if you're going to a city and you're like I'm kind of get paid to be on vacation which is like what it feels like sometimes like you still subconscious you're thinking about that hour set in your head you're still exhausted after the show

And you're exhausted after the show, and you're thinking all day about it, where if you just take a month or two weeks, like a normal person, I don't have work. Like, there's no shows to think about. And you genuinely are like, I have nothing to do today at all. You should do that. So next year, I'm filming a, I have a Comedy Central special out, size 38 waste. I have another special coming out. I'm going to film it in June in Chicago next year. But I'm going to take next summer off.

Like, I've made that choice. I'm like, you're not going to do anything in the summer. I'm just going to, you know, stay in New York. Go do the comedy seller in my podcast and all that, but like no road. Spend it with your daughter. All the whole time with my daughter. And you worked hard to earn that. In Italy.

Fuck, yeah. I mean, you have to curse at me, but. I'm Italian. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? So, like, your ego. See, ego and pride, it's an interesting, it's very, very, very tough on a man. It's pride and ego is everything. Yeah, it's hard to be.

man it's so hard to be a man so i've to be honest with you one thing i can say um for whatever reason i've known about my ego and been able to know this is ego and this is pride talking for a good amount of time um some of my peers you know like they'll be very quick to tell you they do this they do that they sold this they sold that and it's like i just know it's their pride and ego talking i know like there's like I can smell these deep insecurities on them and being insecure co-dependency and insecurity are the two qualities on

a person that really makes me run the other way I can't be friends with you and I don't like to I do not want to be around your energy if you're codependent and insecure I can't you're at a point in your life that I'm not I don't want to deal with it and you'll see those red flags early on now very early I feel like I couldn't see that in the beginning I couldn't see them in the beginning

either but now I do it's more like they'll get upset when you when you don't like you're not you can't spend time with them or like they get overly sensitive about like little things you say that yeah i run the other way i just run the other way so i would say um but the last time that pride actually got in the way i want to say there are certain shows like local shows that i say no to because i'm like you know i can't do that but that's like just business um my pride my pride my pride oh you know what actually I had, and it's been like a year, I mean, I'm willing, I want to, you know, repair it.

I don't like, like, a problem with a family member or like a rift or like any, like, negative energy. I don't want it. But like a year and a half ago, I like made a joke about a family member that they were like, this is about me. And it really wasn't about them. But I thought it, they definitely do that. So it wasn't not about them. But it kind of was.

And they were like, I just want you to apologize. And I wouldn't. I'm like, I'm not apologizing for my comedy. So that was prideful. Yeah. But, and then I have since apologized, but now it's on them. Do you have to deal with, do you have to deal with that a lot because comedy is your experiences in your life? Like, I've already gotten in trouble telling stories about friends on like this podcast or stuff like that.

Does that happen to you a lot? Yes, it happens to me a lot, but I just. You just have to put your foot down and be like, this is my career. I just deal with it. Like, especially some of my family members that like get mad at me, it's like, well, I also pay your rent. So. I mean, I'd be like, you could say whatever the fuck you want about me. What do you want me to do?

Do you not want me to pay for me? for your, do you not want the money this month? Because, right? I mean, you guys fucking gambled. You sounded like a rapper. You rambled. You fucking gambled your money away and fucked up your life and now I paid for it. So it's like, do you not want me to pay for it again? It's almost like they have animosity towards you

because they need you and they're taking it out on you. But see, like, that's I'm not a fucking monk. I don't I'm not the smartest guy in the world by any means, but I'm, I, I, I, um, I can sense that all the time. Like I know, that I know. That I know. When like, oh, you're taking, you're actually really not mad at me.

You're mad at yourself. I can see that, like, very quickly to people. You're so wise. Last question. No. When was the last time you lusted over someone? Lust. Who's like your celebrity crush or who's your...

I know you're a horny sperm bag. I just made up that word. I can fill you up with cashier yoga. Ew! That's disgusting. Why? I... Because it takes.

taste like pork rinds I know it's gross all right what about coconut yogurt I could do coconut I could do coconut I probably I lust over Gwen Stefani I love Gwen Stefani

fucking love Gwen Stefani she has like attitude I would do anything to have sex with Gwen Stefani She's experienced She's fucking hot I know she's mad I know it's like impossible but like I would love to fucking have sex with Gwen Stefani

I don't know if it's impossible She's like married and shit I mean what is marriage nowadays That's true It's a good point Well if you're listening Gwen I have a final question That I ask everyone

I know I said the last was my last question It wasn't What advice would you give to people To cope with their hell It's cope with their hell I would The advice I would give them Is

What I said earlier If it's not gonna matter In five months or five years Don't give it more than five minutes I would also tell I would also say little Winston Churchill quote, another one that I live by, success is not final, failure is not fatal, it's the courage to continue that counts. I think that is a lot of people need to realize that like just the fact that you're going is enough, right? You're going

to fail and you're going to succeed. Don't get too high or too low. Like really. That and I'd also say people have obstacles. So you need to, you overcome the obstacles. Everybody has problems. Your problems although are the worst thing you've ever dealt with for you, somebody else is dealing with something worse or as worse as you, but it doesn't matter. You deal with your own obstacles and you overcome them. That's what life is. Life is, obstacles come in front of you

and you find a way to overcome them. Like, you ever heard that put on sunscreen graduation speech? No. It's like wear sunscreen. Google, it's good. One of the, the part about it, that I love the most is when he says sometimes you're behind, sometimes you're ahead

in the end the race is long and it's only with yourself and that is very, very, very true. To compare yourself in any field you're in to someone else is not only is it a bad thing to do but it's not, it's actually meaningless because they are at a different place you're not in their race at all.

And you don't even know what their race is. You have no clue what's going on with them. Like everyone you see, you're just seeing like 5% of who they are. Figure out your obstacles and overcome them. That's what I'd say to like get out of like

your own hell. Chris, this was a very powerful podcast. No, wasn't. It was beautifully. You're so eloquent. Fucking piece of shit.

You're so tough and strong and sensitive. Yeah. You guys go see Chris on the road. I want to go to Pokey Ball. He needs to pay for his pissed off, you know, relatives,

apartments. Yeah. Go see him line. check out's website chris dcomcom yeah the d yeah he had to add that d we know why yeah um what's your instagram um christie comedy i love little penises oh thank you and i'm circumcised

um just got it christie comedy on twitter instagram christie comedy dot com history hyenas at history hyenas on instagram and history hyenas dot com for all our podcasts and merch okay that's pretty good good plug And thanks for listening, guys, and I'll talk to you later in hell.