Berner Phone - Christina Galston: Being Messy & Freakin Jewrican

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

Pee your pants hilarious comedian, Christina Galston, takes us on a journey through hell with her insane storytelling and bad bitch but self deprecating vibes. GET TIX TO MY LONG ISLAND SHOW HERE: https://www.hannahberner.com/ --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've never been kicked out from somewhere. Oh, I'm lying. Okay, actually, okay. I have me, okay, let me stop. I got to, I got a clock off right now. I've never not been kicked out of a place. I was like, wait, how do we usually leave places? Okay, never mind.

Welcome to Burning and Hell. What's up, guys? Welcome to Burning. in hell it is a hot one today we have the self-proclaimed freaking jerican herself christina galston in my opinion she's one of the funniest comedians in the game and she's a master storyteller she's been performing stand-up for over 12 years she's been at m tv NBC comedy central i'm obsessed with you we met like a year ago but i haven't we like you you're often like puerto rico or whatever and i've been you've been on my list to get on this pod because i was

like you're one of the people that like I come in as a comedian and I wanted to like laugh with you. We were like doing some gym thing together. But I couldn't stop laughing to form my own sentences because you just had me the whole fucking time. How are you? I'm really good. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. Oh, I love your formal voice. Yeah, right. So the way people catch up is by looking at each other's insta. So I was doing my research on you. You, you're, you're talking about toxic dudes left and right girl girl i'm telling you because i met one immediately after i after i watched after i watched mara reevaluate her life i was like oh yeah i need a boyfriend because i don't want to be 40 and look like that so i got a boyfriend and this is the most pathetic

this was a situation that i call not cat cat fishing it's it's a new term i don't know if you're familiar with it. It's called cast fishing. And it's when a man on Instagram just cast a lot of lines. He's DMed a lot of bitches. Oh. And you are the only goofy bitch that responded. And this is like a guy from a year ago, bitch, like a year ago tried to slide in my DMs. And I was like, nah, you look like a hurt, not happening. This is a problem because I'm a lazy bitch. So like when I think he could be talking to a lot of people, I assume there's no way in hell that he'd put the effort in to ever reach out to so many people because I'm lazy when dating like I can't I'm not my fucking saleswoman I'm not like knocking on doors so the fact that these dudes put in that kind of

effort is like mind blowing it's crazy he had been messaging me for a while I was like just dubbing him and then it was quarantine and I was bored and he was like can I take out to dinner and he was like trying to be charming and then he showed up and red flag number one is he wearing a backpack yes red flag wearing a backpack. But then it's like red flag, but then you get this whole green light because it's like what's in the backpack. He looked at me and he's like,

they say that you should always bring a word of flowers and it was an eighth of like really good weed. So I was like, fuck that. I'm like, move red flag. I'm trying to get that eight. So we chilled at a bar and we were hanging out after and what was supposed to be just me hanging out

getting that eighth, taking my goofy ass home, turned into me being like, I mean, where do you live? 45 minutes from here? Let's go. so we get into the lift and go all the way to fucking Tampa and it's like you want to go to the casino and I'm like and I'm like yeah but I got to pee now is your house closer so like I'm the type of person that my sister has to be like when I was living there my sister was like I'm like yeah I'm gonna go I don't know I'm gonna go I'm getting like kind of annoyed I'd already got a little drunk already and then I was like I don't know and she's like beina don't fuck him and anytime someone says don't fuck him to me you can almost guarantee i'm gonna fuck him it's just something in the air put it in the aisle so then i went there

and um red flag number two um you live in a portable underneath a coverse billboard sign this isn't a house uh red flag number three is there a parking lot instead of space outside of the pod oh red flag number four it's definitely not a house you have to park in a waldgreens Yeah. Oh, red flag number four. It's definitely not a house. I see that the time clock is still drilled into the wall. Okay. So this used to be in office. Just the kind of guy that started having sex with me and it did nothing for me. I don't know why. Maybe because he was a stranger. And so then he went to just like eating me out, which I was like, oh, another red flag. Like you're just going to, you probably do that with everybody. And so that happened. And then. And I got out of there and I was able to get out of there. Oh, the next day, can I just tell you? I hate, man. The next day, we're laying in bed, in his bed, which I use that term very loosely because

it was missing other important pieces. Yes, it had a mattress, but there's other pieces that go with that. So we're laying in his bed. I don't knock anybody. It's a bed. We're laying in his bed. And, you know, I'm with the girl that used to fuck her boyfriend in his mom's computer room because that's also where we lived on the floor.

So, again, I'm happy to be in a bed. but he was like do you want to um should we get brunch and i'm looking around at all the sneakers on the floor and i'm like i don't even know how you know that word but okay and i'm also like i just came back to your pod and and and and face fucked you i don't even know if i'm the kind of girl that goes to brunch in fact i know i'm not uh i was like do i want to go to brunch ill bitch no and then he's like well you don't like to drink champagne and i was like no champagne test like throw up to me um i'd rather drink whiskey and he's like wow he's literally like this looking at me like wow you just haven't had the right champagne and i was like you don't have a headboard so

you don't get to talk about what is a good champagne what is happening i love how all i said was toxic and you go let me explain toxic to you but this is the question sometimes the dudes with no headboard have the best sex because it's just like reckless but is that just like a is that a made up thing on the internet no it's not a made up thing on internet what you're describing is a rough neck now that's somebody that's gonna fuck me like doggy style on the hamper fuck you like i can't stand you like what you're talking about is a man that does not remove his his white feeder all the way his shirt yeah behind his head and so anytime that the shirt has not been removed and placed behind him i've never been fucked by a guy who put

his wife feed it behind his head. And you've never been fucked, baby. Because I'll tell you what you're not doing if he's fucking you like that. And that's making love. We need to know the difference. Okay. So this dude is trying to impress you saying fancy words, talking about brunch, talking about champagne.

He would talk a lot about fancy things that I was like, bro, I'm with you. So obviously, I'm not into the France. I'm not into that. So he also would describe things to me like, I don't know like stuff that he used to have anybody that this is the thing about meeting people you're only going to know what they tell you you understand so it's like well yeah you can tell me that you used to live in a mansion I wasn't there when it happened you know what I mean I could

just believe that because that's what you said red flag number what are we on six seven eight I don't know there were so many um he had his own weed brand that's a scammer that's a whole scam man that's a scam yep we brands especially in Florida especially in Florida they're such scams. We're all getting the same zips from California. All they're doing is going, ooh, I've got an opaque bag with a design that I've made

that's similar to a brand that you recognize. And so now that makes this eighth $200. And what are you, a punk bitch? You don't know how to buy good weed? It's like, no, you obviously don't. You're buying a fucking $100-something dollar eighth? Who's paying for this shit? Clown check.

Clown check. With a whole clown. okay so when did the real toxicity happen or what you just like how did i get stuck here yeah it happened pretty soon because i don't know he's like one of those guys that i don't know why he thinks he should be getting his dick sucked or fucked or i don't know what he thinks he should be getting but with me it's like the second that you come at me about sex i'm probably not going to come on top of you ever again because i think that's lame what do you mean come at you about sex like hey like are you going to suck my dick anytime soon it's like well probably not now ever because you asked yeah i mean if i'm not leading

with it it's because i don't do it so i don't like want to do that and um he had gotten up and we got to this big fight and his kids were in the house and i was like that's a little much for us to be screaming about me sucking your dick with these kids in the house that's much and so then i sat outside for a minute because i was like this is crazy and he's texting me as i'm outside and he's like this isn't going to work this just isn't going to work you're not sexual enough for me and i was like wait what like what and so i was like whatever you know what i mean and i was trying to like make it work i was really kind of like confused about everything and by that point i had already like moved to tampa so once my shits there i'm like i'm gonna try to make this work because i'm not

i'm not feeling moving everything back so it's like our first time and like before that he had gotten mad. His cousin lived there, and he got mad because he wasn't near me when I finished dinner, so I just happened to pass his cousin his food first. And he's like, you served him before me. And I was like, well, I didn't suck his dick before you. So I didn't, you know, it's just food. Calm down. But I'm Puerto Rican, so I should know better. And we went to this big fight, and then we get through it. And then it was probably after seeing a lot of his interactions with his kids reminded me of my own mother. They were very, very, very toxic. point we even made a joke which was hilarious because it was true about how did I end up with

a guy that's exactly like my mom like super abusive and just I was like I think I've been trying my whole life to be with a man like you they say that you like want to feel like home with the right person but sometimes home is toxic oh my god next thing you know you see something and you can't it's triggering weird emotions because you're like I feels familiar but is that familiarity good or bad. Yeah, it's like, oh, well, yeah, I've kind of been in the same situation before, but I mean, I know how to get screamed at in my face. I don't know if I want to for the rest of my life, but I know how to get screamed. But you know you could. You could handle it if you had to, but it's like you making a decision of self-love to be like, I'm not that little girl that has no

control and no power to step away. I truly thought that my love, the amount of love that I had, I really thought was going to change the situation. That was my biggest mistake was thinking that if I just hunkered down, if I just loved you harder, if I just stayed even with the kids separate than you, my problem was never with his kids. My problem was never with his baby's mother, ever. I loved all of them.

I enjoyed their company. Even, you know, people with my mom thought it was weird because I'd be like, oh, no, yeah, I want her to live here with us. If the kids are going to be with us, I want her to be here too. You know what I mean? Because I want us all to be together. I just think he had a lot of problems that even they knew about and I didn't like if y'all all knew he was bipolar I did not I did not know that I was a surprise which is an important detail but I also think it's funny that you were like I was given all the love because that's what I could do but I also feel like sometimes love like is a two person thing like you can't just have that one side like love is like that connection of two people of trust and shit but like what kind of dude are you looking for currently none I would just like I don't because at this point like for real for real dog at this point

I do not trust my decisions like we're at a stage in the game where what's the first red flag for me do I like him stop right there stop right fucking there bitch you already fucking up you're tracking him not the one not the one so you need to practice starting going in other directions being like okay like oh Christina like that so let's try this but also you don't want to go for what you're not attracted to so it's this weird thing where i can't do what i'm not attracted to i can't do what i have a i have a good i love narcissist but it's like finding a guy who's not but maybe has some swag that some of them did right it's like does everyone have to be a bad person to be cool and make me wet like where are the good guys like i just i that's what i want i want somebody that's

like reformed like i don't know what happened to him someone really close died to him maybe he almost die. At this point, I don't know. I think... Well, I guess the point where you start being like, you know what's cool? Guys being kind. Guys having a warm heart. Like, guys seeing me. You know what I like? A guy that doesn't get annoyed with his own children.

That's what I like. That's what I'm looking for. Guy that doesn't hate his own blood. So I feel like with you ever trouble because you're similar to me in that like you're outgoing, but also like, you're funnier than most men and you've posted a tweet that was like, I love seeing the life get out of his eyes when he realizes

I'm funnier than him? Oh, they can't stand it. How does that affect you? Because I know you're not about to mute yourself. Never, bitch. If anything, if I feel like I'm about to be muted, I become obnoxious because now it's like, yeah, trying to set me up. Like, I'm just like a fucking bitch. Yeah, if someone thinks you're annoying, you're like,

well, now I have to be a hundred times more annoying. Uh, watch me cartwheel. Watch me cartwheel right up to you. I'm not the fucking one. so for me I just I don't know like I will meet a guy they'll think that I'm cool I can always tell when a guy's starting to like me it's usually a guy that I don't like back and I'm like dang it's happening again and I know for sure one of my my ex is not this past one of the one before that he was like yo honestly you did make me a lot funnier like I've been I've been really riding on these fellows out here like really like I'm so much funny about you because you, I was like, I know, right? Like, even just words. I would talk and you'd be like, what is that word?

And I'm like, you speak English. It's your first language. So I don't think a lot of guys want to kind of like hang out with me because it's just like too much. They're like, oh, gosh, it's going to be like so funny. And although I do have that good like listening type shit, like I'll listen to you and like make you feel important. At the same time, like you say some goofy shit to me. We got to talk this out. Like we got to talk about whatever.

Do you tend to go for shy dudes or guys that turn? to like compete like as in like they're the life of the party too i like i like a man man like i like i'm a little obnoxious i mean just for what i've been with like obnoxious usually he's from new york like anytime that i'm out in st pete i always end up meeting this last guy's from you i always end up meeting some new york motherfucker who's like damn girl i heard you from across the bar and i knew you was going to be my boo well that's the thing you're from florida But you're part Jewish Port Puerto Rican, which is like the most New York shit ever. Exactly.

Because I'm originally from Brooklyn. Yeah, exactly. And because everyone has a little Jew in them, I feel like, if you're from New York, even a little. So obviously, like, your self-proclaimed, it's hilarious to say Jurean. I think it's just an amazing name in general. But, like, you're kind of proclaiming, like, I'm this mix that's so, like, unique that you rarely hear about. but like tell me a little bit about the struggle of not actually like having that one like thing that you fit into oh yeah i don't see and i'll be honest with you i never talk about this struggle because i have light skin

so i'm i'm blessed and highly favored um but uh because i get that i never would celebrate my white skin i would never do anything like that for me just growing up i was the oldest out of all my cousins so i'm like the first girl born and i'm white skinned and i have blue hair i'm white skinned and i have blue eyes so I might as well be Jesus to my family to my to my to my well amish to rest in peace it was always they want to wait for me to eat they want to wait for me to do anything they everything was oh my god you know for me like I remember one Christmas Eve like they were like she was like we're not doing shit until Bina gets here and everyone being like ah Bina and it's like they just my my mola my wella really loved me a lot but it's also a beauty standard that was shoved down my

cousin's throat and shoved down my sister's throat just you know to be time to be petite, to have light skin, and to have light eyes and long hair was the beauty standard in my family, which is unfortunate because me and my sisters are the only ones that were mixed with white, Jewish. The rest of my cousins are Puerto Rican and black. So it's an impossible beauty standard for them to ever attain. You'll never have white skin. And I just always saw the way that they were treated differently. And I just inherently, like from the time I was little. I always knew not to act like my shit don't stink or like you're all that and a bag of chips because, you know, bitches will jump you over that. If you think that

you're like, you know, really beautiful because guess what? They do. And their parents do. And their parents, parents do. So I'm very sensitive, hyper sensitive to that type of stuff. And there's like this crazy colorism that goes on in Spanish families, in other, you know, other Caribbean families and stuff like that from the islands because that's their whole thing. It's about there's a big beautiful piece of art that's I guess I think it was called like lifting the black stain and it's a voila like praying thanking God and there's a baby being held by the mother who has obviously been mixed with Europeans from probably rape and she's holding her baby that's even whiter because she is with another European man and the bella is just so happy to have the black stain been lifted off of her family the black stain apparently skin whitening products in Asia are like the number one beauty product like oh that's Jamaica and Jamaica too yeah yeah so like it's it's wild that within that culture even though we're both Puerto Rican you know my skin's a little lighter so therefore I'm going to be you know more

privileged in society and also because I do all my research on your Instagram because bitch you are messy in the best way like whatever you feel you find a quote you find a tweet you find a meme and I know your mood in that moment How much has that gotten you in trouble? Are people, like, scared like, oh, if I cross her, it's going to be all over that Instagram. I, yeah, I can't speak too much about a current situation right now, but I have learned a hard lesson about speaking about my family online, and I will probably never do it again. This was not a lesson that I needed to learn, nor do I still understand why this happened. but something really horrible happened and no everyone nobody died but you know just me inside

and you know because of it um I'm no longer speaking to you know the people that are most important to me it's caused a major riff and it's taking me since Thanksgiving to get through it so all that stuff that you were seeing was a culmination of just a lot of shit that's been going down with me like a lot of stuff like man they did me fucking dirty this year so do you feel like it's therapeutic um now a little bit but in a still very painful way like just in a way where you're wiser but like it's like like like i was going to say like i'm 34 and i feel like in my 20s i was always like yeah but like i'm not really no one's really hurt in my feelings like nothing really hurt me and i didn't really sit and you know think about any sort of pain that was happening to me

nothing really bothered me um really i didn't really have problems like even when i had a problem it wasn't really a problem and um it wasn't until like when my when my grandmother passed like four years ago then I was like okay that's some real deal of fucking pain oh wow okay that's what pain feels like and then when this thing recently happened I was like okay this is a thing that makes me look at myself like I'm having like an identity crisis like I don't know who I am and I feel I almost felt like not doing comedy anymore just because I was like you know I don't this is the thing that got me in trouble, but it's also the thing that is my self-defense mechanism. It's the thing, it's the only way that I try by it. Yeah. So my only thing was like, okay, now I see the separation and I have to be

separated from people. And I have to be separated from thinking that my truth, if it includes your business, should, can still be spoken on. Well, this is, this is very interesting because we're in a public, you know, we talk publicly about people. And sometimes I've said stories, not even saying people's names just like because it had to do with the topic and but I've like lit I used to like put me I used to say stuff without their names and someone would call me and be like how dare you tell a story about me some people get triggered by shit and then some people will be like I don't give a shit what you say about me especially dating with guys like I'm with a guy right now who he is like whatever is helpful you could talk about you look at my ass I don't get a shit like and I love

that shit he's amazing but I'm looking at your Instagram and your bio says knock it's funny I was analyzing your whole life by just your Instagram. It says, knock me down nine times, but I get up 10. Where is that stemming from? Like, what is going on? That is from my favorite Cardi B song.

Get up 10. You know, that line in particular is, look myself in the mirror. I say, we're going to win. Not me down nine times, but I get up 10. Because I really do feel like, you know, your strength.

A lot of times I felt like my strength was coming from other people. but it can't. It has to come from me. And whether I was saying that for years until I realized it just now, that is what that message is. You're going to knock me down as many times as you want to,

but I'm the only bitch I could get myself up. I have to find the love within myself. I have to find that strength within myself. I have to find the God in me. And it's that kind of work. Bitches can't lie about doing that work. You either doing that shit,

you either know what I'm talking about or you motherfucking don't. Because that's hard work. That's tears. You fucking nailed it. It's work. you can't you don't just become 30 and understand yourself it's not like you actually have to have that like look in the mirror moment where you're like what do you want what are you trying to

who are you the fuck are you exactly have you learned new shit during quarantine where life has kind of stopped and you've reflected because you're a very smart girl you have a lot of thoughts always going on your head i could tell just because you're witty as fuck and like you can get away with a lot of shit just making a joke and walking away but like have you had to kind of realize you want to make changes my biggest change was not telling my business any like when i met that guy i told him a lot of my business like he has my social security number like you know it's fucked me in many ways um i think that i was always the kind of girl that was like oh my god what it's not like they're going to do anything to me oh my god come on not everybody's a but yes they are bitch

everybody's a stranger to you and they all out to get you. So I finally, like, wrap my head around that. Like, I know it sounds stupid like, come on, Bina, why would you ever give someone your social security number? But it's just like, I don't know, I just thought that we were going to be together forever. So that I also learned, and this is like, I just think sad. I just also learned that, like, you know, quarantine really proved to women how full of shit their husbands were. Because I'm telling you.

Corona virtual school Corona and virtual school are killing marriages and the ring app is providing receipts because every woman that I know with a home, a husband and the ring app have never used it for catching someone at their door. They've only ever used it to catch their husband talking shit about them outside of the door.

Wait, wait, what is the ring app for people who don't know? Oh, the ring app is a security app that actually, Nas was smart enough to invest in when it first came out and made a ton of money off of it. And the Ring app is basically something that you can install in your door and it can give you a view of your street and kind of like, I would say bird's eye,

but it's more of a woman's view. You know, we see further than you men. And you can see the side of your house. You can see if someone takes your packages. You can speak through the app and be like, hey, that. And it records anything that's going on outside your door and it can alert you on your phone, tablet, or any other. So it's a safety precaution and swipe up.

Right. I would say the safety precaution is, be careful with me. Be careful with your bitch. Don't talk shit about your bitch outside the door that the ring app is hooked up to. Wait, so this is the thing that's happening? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

I'm going to send you, I have a little commercial that I did for. I'm going to send you my little thing and I'll record a little thing for you. I'm telling you, this, I've never seen the ring app be used for anything else, but to catch bitches talking shit outside of someone's house. I feel like women, like before pre-pandemic, you know, a woman's role is everything. You, a woman can't go to her house and sit down for a minute or go outside and smoke a sig while, you know, the kids fucking kill each other and dinner doesn't get made. You know, a woman's avoiding her family style would be something that you see.

You know what I mean? She would pull up to her house and she would just sit in the car and sigh for 20 minutes. And you would know, like, mom needs her time. Whereas these men wanted to get back into their regular routine. But bitch, we've been at home all day. If you go outside for another fucking cigarette, like get your ass inside. I need a break, bitch. So I just saw a lot of like, wow, you don't know who the fuck your partner is and how much they're not your partner until y'all got to be in a team partnership for fucking real.

which is all that pandemic has been and I think that there's been a lot of just lacking with and I can't speak to the wives because I don't know no whack-ass wife like that but I've seen a lot of husbands that just were had been slacking and lacking and with this pandemic had just been caught what have you been doing this whole time you were never doing anything I saw you post something on Instagram but like a woman who is like a guy proposes her and she's like oh yeah now I'll just add more responsibility and you do the same thing you have this you have that like negative view on men right now like you were in I just there's a book they say how to date men when you hate men like you are in a in a negative lens with that I am

I just if any man ever like start speaking to me or just anything I'm just like yeah I mean I know that I'm beautiful I know that I'm attractive I know I got some good pussy but if anyone if a man wasn't telling me that I'd be like oh yeah right get the fuck out of here the fuck out of here dude you're cut the liar so my thing is you're very confident person what is your biggest insecurity though uh the teeth that i'm missing in the front of my mouth that i'll lose sometimes if i get too drunk um wait they're fake listen everyone everyone listen a bitch is hot until i wake you up at 6 a.m to go have you see my teeth wait wait these two little ones they come out anytime i want to sleep or eat a bone and rib oh so it's like a little i got it that is

you have a little denture it's adorable I got a little flip-flap, a little flipper. That is so funny that when you get drunk, most girls, it's like, they can't find their eyelashes and you're just like, good morning, it's me. I will wake you up with a list, but I'll be like, hey, have you seen my teeth? And they're like, you're what? And I was like, never mind, I'll find them. Also, what's, how is your anxiety, depression during this pandemic during, in general?

Because you are like, the fun one. You get in the party, the party starts. Christine is here. What is actually happening? I didn't have any anxiety or depression until I met that guy. And then it was like quick, fast and in a hurry, some anxiety of depression. And pass that after that, the next, I leave this guy in the middle of the night, the next day. You know, like, I've never been kicked out from somewhere. Oh, I'm lying. Okay. Actually, okay. I have me, okay, let me stop. I got a clock. I've never not been. kicked out of a place.

I was like, wait, how do we usually leave places? Okay, never mind. So this was like the second time he kicked me out. And have you ever been kicked out to the point where you're like, I swear if he kicks me out one more time, this time I'm going to leave for real. But he's got to keep me out. I'm not going to leave him out. So he was kicking me out and I was like, oh my, you know, you're like, I'm like in the

Uber with all my shit was smashed. This bitch was so mad at me. I had a rushing nesting egg. He didn't even throw it outside like that, bitch. He opened each egg and threw it. it. I was like, damn, dog, I wanted to, like, give that to my mom. And so he does all this shit to my stuff. I'm in the Uber with all my shit. And I'm like, you know, and you're just like, oh, why am I even crying? Bitch, you're so happy to get up out of there. Like, you can't

even cry. There's nothing to cry about. Girl, we got out of there. So after that, the next day. He made it like it was his decision. Yeah, right. The next day I'm thinking is like a great day. I wake up. I'm out my sister's house. Well, actually that night, I was smoking outside and I noticed that they had just got a trampoline. So obviously I got pissed off because why haven't you called me sooner? There's a trampoline here and you guys didn't call Titi Bina? Come on. So the next day, I'm like, hyped to get on the trampoline.

We just went swimming. The kids were acting a donkey. So I'm like, oh, fuck this. Let's go on the trampoline. And I'm in like such a cute little onesie type thing. It's got a palazzo pant. I mean, what's the worst I can happen in a fucking palazzo pant? So I'm on the trampoline, I get on, I'm jumping with these hose, and with my niece and nephew, and I'm like, jump, jump with these hose.

And I get off because I need a cigarette break, obviously, because I'm a grown woman. And so I get off, I have my cigarette break, and they're like, Titi, come back in. Like, this was the time where I should have just not got back in the trampoline. Like, did they come back in? And they had brought a ball into the trampoline, which I apparently allowed them. I mean, this ball passed through a lot of adult's hands, not just mine before it. got on to the trampoline. I mean, I even knew on the warning label that it said, don't bring balls, but it also never said, don't be 34.

So I am jumping on this bitch, and there's a net for safety. I don't know why, because I still tore my ACL MCL-M meniscus. And I'm jumping so high, bitch. I jump out of the net. And I remember, as I was, like, coming down, I remember being like, I am owning you fools. Like, I fucking am killing Nobody jumps as high as me And then I land on my left leg

On the ball And my knee goes to the side Yeah And it I'll do it Bitch, I've heard that pop in my pussy lip I felt it in my gums I felt it

In my nipples I've never been the same since And none of us really knew The damage Because of the Palazzo pant You know, because you can't We couldn't see how bad it was and I'm telling you this situation just got worse and worse so I'm screaming

my fucking head off which by the way I've never broken anything in my life so it's not like a sexy scream it's a no ha ha like just my niece and that it wasn't a sexy horror movie scream if anybody was getting hard you're probably my next boyfriend so my niece and nephew are so like trying to get out of the trampoline they actually run into each other and then you gotta come out Dithi, it's serious. And so everyone comes outside and just kind of laxadaisically starts taking off the net of the thing

and I'm screaming called 911. My mom is there, which is like the worst person ever to be there for this. And she's like rubbing my back, like hard. She's like, I know you're not the only one that's broken a bone, Christina. And that's not helping. And my sister's white husband

refuses to call an ambulance because I don't have insurance and I guess he's the insurance police why white people take that so personally but actually that's even stupid for me to say because after having spoken to some other homeowner friends of mine I know

I do be no one bitches some other homeowner friends of mine were like that's what homeowners insurance is for like he didn't want to call an ambulance because bitch you don't want it on record that the ambulance came to scoop me up off of this motherfucker these bitches thought that they were going to peel me off of a trampoline and put me on a plank of wood they had a plank of

bitch when I did this the sun was out when the paramedics came it was night time this isn't the fucking 1500s he's like tying it up and cutting it off it was so bad and I couldn't breathe like that kind of pain is now when I see it in movies I'm like yeah that's not a good actor because you wouldn't have been fine after that you got to you breathe different You bring different. No, whenever something physical happens to me that, like, when I've sprained an ankle before, that's bad, which is nothing like what happened to you, I get panic attack because you just like, I can't control this shit. Yeah, either you pass out, you throw up or you just get the sweats. I just got super sweaty.

And by the time that they came that they were like, hey, hey, look at me because I was like, ah, ah, uh, like I couldn't even handle it anymore. They're giving me all this shit. Nothing's working. And they're like, how are we going to do this? There's like six paramedics there. And they're like, well, maybe if we all got on the trampoline. And the other guy's like, don't, don't do that. Don't get all the trouble.

They all tear the ACL. God damn it. Yeah, exactly. They all like jump on, many. So they are, they have to drag me off. And then, like, the force of, like, the way that I was dragged knocks the knee, like, they twist it back into place. And, bitch, when I told you, I wasn't even crying or screaming anymore.

Like, I sounded like a wolf that had just watched her baby gotten killed in front of her. Like, I was like, oh. all the way to the ambulance and the worst part is is that we had just got these badass fake tattoos so we were all tatted so like my whole leg was covered in these fake tattoos and I'm at the hospital like in so much pain bitch and they're like wow love the ink this is good who did this thing done it's like who did this where'd you get it I was like bitch wish dot com oh my god like what's gonna happen and so it was really bad like it was horrific It was so horrific. How are you doing now? Now I'm fine. I'm still in a brace.

Yeah. I can, I, you know, I got a, I'm damn near fully rotated, bitch. Okay, I got a negative 10 extension. I'm almost all the way straight. I have, I can bend up to, I'm almost like 200, like, I'm basically 200. I do my physical therapy almost every night. I can squat. You sound like a professional athlete right now.

I mean, low key, I could fuck, because I did, not too long ago. It did hurt. hurt the next thing but I can and uh if anyone was wondering yeah like if that's what I love to do is like someone do like man what happened to your leg and I was like fucking I got my appendix out and straight up the guy's like yeah no physical activity for four months I mean four weeks and I was like can you have sex and the guy acted like I asked him the most insane question like it's never have been asked before and I was like I have a boyfriend to fuck me I need to let him know a timetable also I don't do a whole lot when we fuck anyway so like I don't that's what I was going to say

I was like oh see you didn't let him know like no I'm just giving him that side sleep that slide sleep total I'm just lifting my leg up a little you act like I can't lift my leg and breathe you can do it in my sleep mostly that's when it happens okay Christina we're going to wrap it up with one final game you're killing me with your stories um it is called the Seven Deadly Sins Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Food, especially after I eat, after I smoke.

Oh my God, I eat everything. Bitch, I've been sleeping and eating in my Fahawah because I can't be trusted. I cannot be trusted. I remember when we did our little workout class together, you talked about food maybe 75% of the time. But you stay so little. but you're eating everything in sight

I poop a lot Oh my god People need to talk about that more I rent food I do not hold on to food long You know what I poop a lot too And that's that fast metabolism But I'm gonna use that yeah

That food's not staying in there It's going right through me I'm gonna put it in your toilet In this establishment Like you can have it right back bitch Who are you envious of Anyone with all of their teeth Like I don't think people

or two working knees I'm envious of Mary J. Blige and Megan Vestallion's knees. That's who I'm envisaged. I want that knee action. Badi, yada, yada, yada. What are you gluttonous about? Oh, God.

So, like, what do you overindulgent besides food? I feel like it's weed. And Jameson, yeah. Jameson, less now. I haven't really drank in a while, but, yeah, mostly weed. How does weed affect your creativity? Like, is that all those people are like, I smoke weed and I came up with like all these incredible concepts.

Like is it for your anxiety? Is it for your creativity? Is it for you just to chill? It's more for my anxiety, my stomach. Like it's a, to me it's such a necessary thing like water that it's not for me to write or do something. It wouldn't be like so taxing to me if I didn't have blood, you know, to write or do something because I like to chill with it anyways.

You know what I mean? Yeah. For me it's more of a, and I don't mind fighting a high. But if I needed to do something and I've smoked weed. it would just be like all right so we're just going to fight this high a little bit to get this shit done but do you perform high all the time if it's there yes the only time I didn't was when I did cluster fest because I was like shitting a brick and those are jokes that I've been doing for years and I still was like I don't even know how these go like I don't know what's my name

I definitely didn't smoke before then because I was like way too fucked up I feel like you probably performed in so many fucked up scenarios and still made people laugh and that's what impresses me about you. Thank you. For the most part, yeah, yeah. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Like, do you have an angry streak? Oh, yeah, really bad, really bad. This, um, yeah, this last situation that happened in my family was probably where my anger got to the height that it would get to because I, I remember I had on my brace and I broke out into a full run. So it was like, yeah. Your adrenaline was hopping. Yeah, my adrenaline was pumping. and I just remember thinking like

I don't want to put my hands on them because I know that I won't stop until I don't have hands anymore. Like I know that if I was to fight somebody like even like today, you know what I mean? Or just in from where I'm standing at today like I know that I will break my hands because I'm not gonna, I'm just not gonna stop.

Like you know when you like my mom was a single mom and like you know it's like it's used to say this thing like yeah you want it with me? I've been waiting for someone to take out my left frustrations it's like oh i get it you do sometimes just be like who want who want it who wants the fight but that's like new yorkers like you're walking down the street and some car like almost hits you and then you let out a rage of like everyone that ever wrongs you your whole life and people are like we get it we get it like you could just fucking cry and yell and people are just

like let that shit out good that's healthy but how so your dad was white yes yes he is white and he is he still is white just double checking but but he didn't he didn't raise you no he was there for like such a short time but i'm the oldest so i remember him the most we are pretty tight online um and i recently saw him um but he's you know it just you get to the age where you're just like yeah that's my dad and yeah that's my mom my mom i don't i don't deal with at all she's very sick in the head and just somebody i got to just stay away from right now i can't handle her but my dad is a nice guys he's sweet he's just he gets all of his entertainment news and any information from youtube so he's like yeah exactly what you think exactly what you think do you ever feel like

you are out here fighting these fights alone because like some times people's parents are like their person they turn to and they have a question about shit like you you had to grow up and be your own woman like probably earlier than a lot of people i felt like i had a lot of i don't think that i ever really i felt a little bit like that but then now that i'm not speaking to my sister who i considered to be like my best friend and like a mom to me um i feel very much like that it's it's a weird feeling it's like what i would imagine like if you were driving a car with doors on it your whole life and then you went to a motorcycle i feel like i'm out here with no doors wow what a metaphor very put out there and very like the elements can get me and you know anything can

kind of get me i don't want to describe it as like a weak feeling but i think it's just more of like trepidation like i take a step and i just hope that it's the right one and i'm not going to fall through or cut myself or something will blow up or anything well i hope that it works out where it's supposed to work out because there's some people that you you fight really hard for and they're just not meant to be in your life and you realize like there was toxicity but then there was toxicity but then there's some stuff that you will look back on in five years and be like damn i wish i wasn't too prideful about that or like damn i wish i didn't care too much about that a lot i think about that a lot dog and i'm like you know i don't want to i know how to humble myself but it's just like there's

when it's that thing that's just stopping you that's like yeah but i can't because if we got cool this is going to be the thing that's always i'm going to still bring this up because i've not past it it's not resolved it happens yeah yeah yeah You have to actually authentically, like, move on. It can't be like a, it's good for now. And then you bring it up every two seconds. Like, oh, that reminds me that one time. Exactly.

That's not even my, I would be like, I don't want to act like that ever. I wouldn't want to be like that kind of person. That's not cool at all. So when was the last time you were a sloth? So, like, literally didn't do anything all day? Right before I moved to Puerto Rico, I honestly, dead honest with you. I was trying to find ways to kill myself because I was just so upset. And I didn't leave the bed a lot.

I would shower maybe and then I got sick in the middle of the night because I was just taking too many sleeping pills because I thought that would be a thing and I just didn't I didn't really leave the house I didn't really do anything so probably from Chris from right before Christmas I mean I would go out sometimes and I was trying to do shows and stuff but the few weeks I was I've been here for like almost three weeks and so the two weeks beforehand I had gotten into a really deep, deep depression. And I've never, I mean, I guess in New York sometimes I had experienced that, but it would always just be like depressed about my situation. I've never felt depressed about who I am and about being alone and, you know, ostracized and sort of like kicked out of my family and them and watching them move on and without me and not, you know, care or ask or anything like that. so that was a kind of feeling and then not being able to see my nephew taking my nephew from me who

anybody who's ever looked at my Instagram knows that I was with my nephew every every single day and I I did school with them every day it wasn't a burden to me it wasn't something that I didn't want to do um it was something that I was there already and was you know going to do it um it's not something that I'm ever going to see here and be like I helped because no one's like Sally the maid you know what I mean like I'm not reacting like that but it does it did hurt me very much to have him taken from me in a way where it's like what do I have to do go plead to be with him or or grovel or accept the things that I'm not accepting right now in this fight that we're having so that I can see my nephew just you know it's not

it's not going to work so yeah that was something that that that that that was hard do you feel like you going to Puerto Rico has helped change your mindset a little yes um because the scenery. It's a change of scenery, but not just that. I think I needed to get out of Florida in order to wrap my head around my stuff. And it's just weird when you're by yourself. Like I'm with one of my best friends from high school. She's like a sister to me. I'm with her kids. But sometimes I'll just be in the house by myself. And it's really great to just be alone. And just with my thoughts, I've been praying more than I've ever prayed before. and I'll pray for people but mostly I just am praying for peace and like peace of mind because

back to the wrath thing if I spend any energy on it I can make myself sick with that I can put that heat in my chest real quick I can keep myself up all night with my eyes going crazy you know like I can make myself crazy with it if I let that happen my biggest thing now is knowing that I control my emotions and then controlling them yes because it's like you can't control the situation but you can control your reactions and a lot of the time you're like taught that if you beat yourself up like other people have that that's like good like you should beat yourself up you shouldn't be in the situation but that actually just makes everything so much harder and you have to have empathy for yourself because like okay you made a mistake you could beat yourself up for

it or you can actually learn to like love yourself and your imperfections and then it's really like you can't control a situation but you got it when you're alone with your own mind feel safe there. Yes, because that's the part where you're like, if you hate yourself, then you're in trouble. That's the part where I wanted to just end everything because I was like, I don't even fucking care about me. Like, I don't fucking care.

So there's no point. I had some really great friends back in Florida, Luke and Chloe, their brother and sister, and they would come into the room. And, I mean, I had nowhere to stay. They let me stay with them. I had nowhere to go. My own aunt told me to go to a homeless shelter.

it's hard when like those certain people that you depended on are now giving you different like affection and different signs and different love but it's like you play tricks with your own mind where you can feel like you are this big when like realistically like girl you are a fucking light like you are a shining light that the world needs but like you can forget that's so easy because you're so deep in stuff yeah getting a little lighter when was the last time you lost this? over someone uh recently uh and it did not last long he started acting stupid immediately i was like well and we gotta block yeah block life but that's the other thing too so this is my other thing another red flag too many compliments because they i will be drunk on a compliment and i'll just be like oh my god no because it's like i didn't even like you until i found out how much you liked me because oh my god you got like let's the date also if a dude ever says he likes you on a first or second date like i like you he's fucking lying don't deal with his ass he doesn't know you i hate that shit if a guy if he starts talking about your future like oh can't wait

for you to meet my parents my mama love you nope neenie nip bye it's so weird why they'd be like i'm just trying to hit like then i would have been like all right cool but yeah this guy was a total weirdo but in the beginning he was really sweet and i'm always looking for if i was just got out of a traumatic relationship. I'm always like, who's the biggest motherfucker I can find? I want them to have dreads. I want them to have gold teeth. And I want them to be big. I want tattoos on the stomach. I want them big. And so that's what I thought. The biggest, longest dreads. And it didn't work out. He was clearly, I don't know if he shot someone in my city or something, but he never wanted to go out in public.

And not that that stopped me from climbing on top of him. And we just wanted to do a lot of in the house hanging out, which I didn't have a house. We were like hanging out at my girl's house. And any bitch that's buddy who have sex in her son's room is definitely the kind of girl that wants to be paid for that. Just where I'm like, can you give this a girl $20 so she can get off my back? Where is his house?

Where the fuck is his house? I don't even know, dog. I never have been there. If you want to try to take that? Okay. The final question in hell is what advice would you give to your listeners? Because you have been there and back. What do you do to cope with your hell when you are going through it in your darkest hours?

Oh, wow. I would say that it definitely helped. if you're around good people. Not drinking is probably the best. I've had a lot of mistakes happen because, you know, I'm in my own hell and I decide to drink. Honestly, it's so cheesy and stupid, but what has helped me right now is prayer, just getting me centered so that I don't make a mistake. Because mistakes are just that, something that you wish you didn't do. And you're always like, damn, I wish I could go back to the beginning of this and not do that.

So I'm always trying to, like, harness that energy to be like, I don't want to go back and feel regret for something. because that's i don't like that feeling i hate that feeling so just trying to sometimes i'll even tell myself like how bad could this get like let's really think about like how bad if we keep on like this how bad could it be could you go to jail could you hurt yourself could you know like any number of things so i just try to do that i mean hanging out with kids helps too just showing with some kids that actually is i can tell you love kids and kids will show you like the little things in life and they'll show you like the beautiful things that you miss because you're so in your own head with adult shit and you're like wait kids know when you're hurting they'll just run right up to you and kiss you in your mouth they don't give a fuck like they know when you're hurting i mean it sounds like you should just um get have some babies no just find some dude i'm so good with kids because i don't have any bitch that's that's the gag oh yeah you're the fun auntie Christina you're the fucking best you're so fucking funny oh you are where can people follow you where can people watch you give me the details yes uh follow

me online at freaking f r-r-a-k-i-n jurekin j-e-w-r-r-c-an on instagram and uh christina gulston on facebook and on youtube yes watch her youtubes you're in a bad mood just getting a wormhole and laugh and um just look out because she has some exciting stuff coming in the future and thanks for coming to hell you guys this was a rowdy one and i kind of loved it um i'll talk to you later bye