Berner Phone - Ciara Miller: Disrupting The Hamptons & Seasonal Depression

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

Ciara Miller finally comes to hell to talk about her demons. She explains her transition from being a traveling nurse to moving to NYC to go on a reality show. We discuss the reality of our friendship, her controversial dress at my wedding, get an update on her dating life, her passion for home decor, NYC men vs Atlanta man, and at 44 minutes she explains what it was actually like to be the first black person casted on a Hamptons show. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning You guys knew I was going to bring her on the pod I was just waiting for the perfect moment for the moons to align I am with Lifesaver Oh my God Maddox as fuck all right

Lifesaver I was going to say glass thrower. Sorry, sorry. Model, amazing friends, and one of my favorite, favorite people in this life. Sierra Miller in the building of hell. Welcome. Thanks. Are you excited to be here?

I can't believe this is like my first time being on your podcast. I know. I feel like with the pandemic and stuff. You can blame it on the pandemic. Yeah. It's just like being crazy. Yeah. Lockdown.

hasn't happened since 2020. I've been, like, so busy. I was, like, trapping a man. Oh, my God, yes. Oh, my God. Yeah, you could have announced since I was your unofficial, official,

I was your unofficial, official bridesmaid, you crazy bitch. You definitely were. What do you think about some of the haters out there, myself, claiming that you just says, claiming that you just says

Kendall to my wedding, Kendall Jenner. Well, what I have to say to you, what do you have to say? What I have to say to you? Because you started this whole shit. I know. You literally started this.

Nobody would have been on my merry way Had you not created this narrative That I Kendall Jennered your own wedding But the dress was fabulous The dress was amazing You are the biggest diva that's done this pod so far But I'm so excited Also, I forgot Paige

Paige has done it Paige described you as Yeah Naomi Campbell If she saved lives And had a baby with Mother Teresa Yes yeah Ridge yes I remember that And she nailed that

Do you think that's you? No. Mother Teresa, I mean, you worked as a nurse during the pandemic. I mean, regardless, does Mother Teresa curse? If Mother Teresa... Mother Teresa is, like, very close, like, you know, God and Mother Teresa's somewhere, like, a couple inches down, like, I'm a sinner. And I don't know.

Hi. I think it's really hard to compare myself to Mother Teresa. But I will absolutely take Naomi Campbell because she's one of my idols. and like, you know, I hope to be where she's at when I'm, you know, 50. Or how old are she is? I don't know. I actually should know more about Mother Teresa, but I don't. I was talking about Naomi.

Oh. I know his Naomi looks amazing. She's out there. Stunning, killing it. Oh, the cheekbones, the hair. But you're in an interesting place where you could be a full-time nurse. You could be a reality TV star. You could be a full-time model.

you could be a lot of things. Yeah. You're in your mid-20s. I remember my mid-20s. Am I my mid or am I late? I'm 26. I was going to say mid, but you're kind of in your late. I was...

Are you finding... I'm insulted. Where is your joy right now? Where are you finding your happiness? Oh, my gosh. I'm having a hard time finding my joy because you're, like, as you just said, like, I could be doing this.

I could be going this way, modeling, nursing. I'm finding it kind of hard to, like, manage where, or to figure out where exactly I want to go and what direction I want to like go headstrong with because I love nursing at the end of the day. It's the first job I ever had out of college. Like, I really don't know anything career-wise other than nursing, but it's not something that I don't feel like I can do forever being a bedside nurse. It's just not how I picture my life and hats off to all the nurses who do it and who are like 20-year vets and everything, but I just don't think it's for me being in the ICU is insanely taxing and mentally emotionally, especially during the pandemic.

So, yeah, but then I have like modeling, which has kind of taken a back burner to TV. And then I have TV, which occupies a lot of headspace, a lot of mental space. And without going into overdrive, it's like, I got to find the balance because it's a lot. It's a lot. It is a lot for sure. And I always say on the pod, just because. you're really good at something doesn't necessarily mean it's what you're meant to do right so it's hard when you happen to be really beautiful and smart like what direction to take it here's that most people

like can't just be like oh i might just casually do a runway shoot because if you're like me you have nubby legs and you'd never be considered um what's your dating life like what's that how's that going um honestly i'm having a lot of fun dating in new york like how are new york guys different than Atlanta guy. Okay. So, I have been recently making these New York men come and pick me up from my house before our day. With an Uber? Whatever you want. You can either take the subway to my head. Whatever their mode of transportation is, it's not my problem. My only concern is that you knock on my door and you're like, hey, are you ready? And I'm like, yes. Now we can wait. Because you want to have a prom queen moment where you like walk down the stairs and well, yeah, like I want to open my door in my outfit. Or is that creepy that like a guy you

don't know knows where you live well I only let the ones that I really like come and pick me up okay okay other than that like fine I'll meet you but like this whole meet you at the restaurant like it's I thought was kind of weird oh you know back in the day when I used to date I she's married now no but that like awkwardness of who was going to get there first how long you're going to sit there what you should be doing when he comes you're always like what do I do with my hands what I do with my yeah how do we look chill I hate that yeah and like I know for a fact, I'm going to be late. So you might as well come and pick me up so that you're not sitting at that restaurant

waiting all by yourself. You're like either going to look stupid or we can do this together. Yeah, or we can do this together. We can show up at the same time, no sweat. And so I went on a date like a week ago and he came and picked me up. And he got to meet Jasper. I really liked him. Or I really like him present tense.

So I was like, come over, like meet Jasper, you know, whatever. And then we'll get in the car and we'll go. And we did. And it was like, perfect. And I'm slowly training them, the ones that I want. I'm training them. Like, little Southernisms that, like, I need. Southernisms, that's so fascinating.

I also do think men are similar to dogs in many ways. Well, one thing is, like, you know how sometimes dogs like, they like rules? Like, they want you to tell them what to do. No, exactly. And you just being like, if you do this, it makes me happy, they, like, almost get excited that. Then they're like, I don't have to fucking rack my brain trying to figure it out. They don't have to read your minds. Yeah. And so when he was texting me, he was like, we were first we were going to go out in Midtown and then we ended up changing it to Soho, whatever. I was like, okay, so you're still picking me up. He was like, okay, yeah, sure. I was like, okay, amazing. He was like, you're not subtle at all. I was like, well, I didn't want you to be confused, you know.

Why do you think you're testing men so hard early on in the process? Because it's like, you got to start off this way. Because it's like, if you don't start out with like necessarily voicing like what you want, then it's always going to be like, I don't feel like you're. you're ever going to get what you want from that person. I do. And like, I'm tired of meeting guys and, like, wanting to be so chill or so cool that, like, I don't want to say anything in order to, like, impress them or just, like, to be easy going. Like, I don't feel like I'm super high maintenance,

but, like, there are some things that, like... Yeah, I was about to say, it's not like you're this high maintenance girl that needs to be, like, carried around, like, Ariana Grande. Right. But I do feel like you want to feel like you can ask for anything. in the very beginning. Even at the beginning,

they will be there for you with that. Even if you're like, bring me a fucking parakeet, they'll be like, I'll figure out how to do that. Right. Yeah. And I always say, like, in the beginning,

I mean, I moved in with Des so early. So early. And people are very like, oh, don't you want to wait? And I'm like, I need to know if it works out right now. I mean, that's true. Like, I was kind of fight in the beginning,

I say. Like, go to the fucking IKEA and, like, put together a couch together. And if you can't do it, you know it's not right. Yeah. You can't do it in the beginning? How do you think it's going to feel 10 years in when you hate how we breathed?

But how fast does he order the task rabbit? Oh, honey. He is so good. Like last night, I mean, it's not great for my health, but he'll just be like, hey, I'm getting Froyo, do you want? And I literally was like, you're the best. I'm obsessed with you. I love when I stayed at Des, when I stay at Des, well, now it's y'all. We did have an intimate weekend together.

When I stayed with y'all for Memorial Day and, like, this would be like, all right, what do you guys want? I'm going to go get an assaye bowl, you guys. And I'd be like, here's my order. Like, and he's like, already knows that he's going downstairs to pick it up. He didn't ask us if we wanted to go. Like, we weren't going. Like, we love that. Have, like, it's funny because whenever I hang out with you, I always think, like, oh, I should invite Des.

And it's because selfishly, I know he loves hanging out with us. But then I remember I have to respect our own friendship because, like, I have to give time for us. Oh, my gosh. Does anything that I'm going to say to you, I don't, I'm going to promise. say to Dez, too. Okay, and if people don't understand this threple... Yeah, it's definitely a thruple. Because when you're at your wedding, I was like,

okay, you married your white girlfriend this week. We will sort out our wedding date at a later time, Des. But today is about y'all. Sierra calls us his swirl. But what people don't know is that when we first met, Sarah and I first met, I had also kind of first met Des.

Yeah. And he was FaceTiming me when I was filming in the house. Yeah. And who do you think was sitting next to me, Sierra? Yeah. So I was like, who's this? And I would be like, do we like him? What do we think? You were like, oh my God, let's FaceTime Des for the first time. And I'm expecting like this 6-5 black man to come on the screen. And I was like, Des. I was like, I for real thought you were talking to a black man, which is fine. This is fine because Des sometimes has the essence of one. You know, he definitely likes to use our hair products. But like, yeah, I just feel like I got to know Des kind of as you were getting to know him. And I was like, I love him from the beginning. Yeah. And when you, When Cesar and I are obviously in like intense filming situations, like we got very close and Des got to like see that you were always like regardless what political stuff was going on or what like followers or bullshit. Like you always, I feel like saw me for me. Yeah.

And he never forgets that shit. Like he's all in the gossip with my friends and he'll be like, she's a real. So like we don't forget that stuff. Oh my God. And I mean like and it wasn't anything. thing like that I really had to think about like people say you came on too strong to me and I'm like thank God oh like thank God I haven't even thought about that in so long but it's funny because like I know how it's like to be like a new person yeah and I know how I would want someone to receive yeah

and like I'm not about to be a bitch to anyone yeah I don't know yet yeah and like that I always appreciated and I was like it takes me years to be a bitch to someone and like it was just such a natural friendships so even and even after like we were always talking after we wrapped filming the first season and yeah yeah i mean it was just like fucking natural i feel like i've known you and des for like 10 years it's crazy and i'm like that with friendships i don't care if i meet someone like two days ago if i feel like we were sisters from another life would i feel like me and you were yeah i will trust you and confide in you like someone i've known for way longer and we don't have to speak every day we literally send each other cat videos.

Oh my gosh. So we send each other. Now it's like never burning hell. We're just telling people about how we love each other. We don't talk about anything of any importance. No substance. We're not talking about Ukraine and Russia. We are sending each other cat videos and we're judgy too.

Like I'm like, she better send a cute one and I go, that was cute. And then I sent a dog video. You were like, I was that what we're doing? I was like, just one dog video. But we are going to have a farm, I think. Me, you and Des. I would love for us to have a commune. Yeah.

Like a sanctuary. for unwanted animals. Yeah. Like in New York? We just have to make some more money. Maybe upstate New York. Yeah? And then you could be the...

Oh my God. Should you be a vet? No. Imagine if you were a nurse for animals. No. I don't want to watch an animal. We're never going to put any animal down. Like, we'll never.

I wanted to be a vet at first, but then I realized you would see an animal in pain and I was like... No, no, no. I would not be able to. No. You become... I feel like as a nurse,

sometimes you become desensitized to humans because, like, when you're in the unit and you're in the unit, you see people come in for various things half of the time it's you know accidents stuff that could have like you just never would have thought of the other half is definitely stuff that could have been prevented had that person like taking the time to educate themselves or really paid attention to what was going on and like them stupid yeah no they're like that was really like politically correct but their own stupidity got them in this situation and sometimes I'm

like, damn. I'm supposed to fix stupid. If you haven't been to the ER because your own stupidity, you're not living life. I mean, but coming in the ICU because of your stupidity, I get it, life happens, but damn. Don't, I don't want to, I don't know about this. I, my first season filming Summer House, we had this long driveway. And I guess to prevent dears from going into the mansions, they had these grates on the ground. And I called an Uber. First of all, stupid. The Uber, like, could have picked us up at the house, but I for some reason thought we had to like walk the whole driveway to the road because I'm stupid. So anyway, I was like, I got the Uber and I'm in heels and I start running in front

of everyone, you know, like being athletic as she is, just running like a track star. My heels just get locks in the grate and I fall and my pinky just goes backwards. I'm in the ER for seven hours that night. Seven hours. People were like texting me and I was like, go have fun. Well, because my pinky was not like top of mine. But you know how painful the nerve of your pinky is? No, I'm sure, but that ain't life or death.

No, that was just stupidity. Was it broken? No, but he did. It wasn't even broken. It was traumatizing, though. I know. That's like when people go to the ER and I'm like, it was the most painful thing.

And they couldn't just snap it back. They had to numb my hands. Okay. To do some work on it. Like some lydicane? They didn't inject you or is it like top? I don't know what they put in it. Yeah, because listen, if you don't tell me that you went to the ER.

I was with British Dave at the time and he's a massive man like six, seven. And we were like cuddling into a hotel bed. and we were like kind of drunk. You're like the ER's worst. By the end of the ER like this though, because you're funny, bitch. By the end we like all had a party. But long so short,

how has seen people in different like health positions, times of their life, sometimes seeing people in their most traumatizing life situation, not me with the pinky, other important things? Definitely not. How has that changed your own perspective of life? Like, do you live your life like any day,

like, like, yolo, type thing. I mean, I definitely feel like everyone thinks that they have time and you don't. And I think that you really have to capitalize on, you know, your day to day. You're not always promised tomorrow. I say that all the time. Just when you think that you're going to have time to do something, you might not necessarily. You can plan ahead as far as you want, but you might not ever have the opportunity to get there. So like definitely living for today. And like when there's like a cool opportunity or a once in a lifetime thing, it's just more of like, I just like do it. Why not? If you hate it, don't do it again. But, you know, it definitely, I mean, seeing people die and seeing

people, you know, at their worst and having to help people through like really difficult times in their lives, it just makes you kind of appreciate what you have on the other side. And like, it definitely helps give you perspective in terms of relationships, too. Like, you don't, if I say like, one more time. It definitely helps give you perspective in your relationship. relationships and just make you appreciate, you know, where, like, where you're at and, you know, I don't know, just how is your mental health while you were working as a traveling nurse versus being on a reality TV show? I will say I can't do them both at the same time because when you're in the unit, you give so

much of yourself emotionally, mentally, physically, and as much as you train yourself to kind of separate your outside, like the hospital world from your outside world, um, it's really hard too. And so when I, so when we're airing or we're on TV or I'm filming, like, I honestly can't give myself to the hospital in the way that I need to in order to like show up and be present and give my full attention to my patient. You can't like half ass the, yeah, like you can't half ass. And it's very not, I'm not willing to make a mistake that's going to cost someone else their life. I know that if I'm not there 100% mentally and emotionally, then I don't need to be in there at all

because it is such a high energy, high stress environment. And yeah, like, even though it's like it's my everyday job and stuff, I can't forget that I am taking care of people and people's lives depend on me in particular, especially in particular moments, you know, like I have to come through for them and I don't have time to be, like, digging around.

It's not your average 9 to 5. No, it's not your average 9 to 5. You can scroll Instagram half the time. No, like you're feeling with... Like, if you accidentally send the wrong email to someone, it sucks. But, like, if you accidentally do something wrong in VR, they're a real consequence. Yeah, like, if I have anxiety stricken and I'm trying to, like, figure... I mean, like, I'm giving out crazy medications that, like, people aren't used to dealing with.

I'm having to look at certain things and watch certain things, and my assessment skills need to be, on point and I know that when I'm stressed out or I like my anxiety is high sometimes with filming I'm like I just I can't show up to the hospital in this state or like or if I need to be on my phone and I can't like I just the balance

is too difficult. Do you feel like you're living a double life? Yeah sometimes and I actually like living that double life because I get to go into a space in the hospital where nobody knows who I am or nobody really gives a shit it doesn't really matter who I am or like things that are going on are way more important. Yeah. Did this person say this

about you. Yeah. And nobody cares about any of that stuff in the hospital. It's a matter of like, have you been doing what's right for the patient? Do we have all the information that we need? Are you a part of this team? I love being a part of that team in the hospital where we're all contributing to, like, the greater good of the patient and the care of all the patients in the unit.

And that's why I like living that double life. Sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, I need to be in the hospital because I don't care about what the shit that people are saying about me on Instagram right now. and like as much as they want to call me like a stupid bitch or I'm lazy or I'm selfish or I'm like all the names in the book I'm like I'm not getting called that in the hospital and it's actually like really fucking nice and like we're like not everyone's like grateful but it's like still great to be a part of a team that contributes to something so much bigger than myself you know and it's interesting because you're it's not like you just went into entertainment out of nowhere you always kind of dabbled and modeling so you have this like other side of you that is like solo performer versus being like on a team and a pure caretaker and like very, very knowledgeable and nerdy. Not that models are not knowledgeable and nerdy. I just haven't met one yet.

I'm just kidding. But like where do you think that side comes from that kind of entertainer? Because you are an entertainer too. In a weird way. I mean I modeled my way like through nursing school I had to like it was definitely. a source of income at the time and my mom was always like kind of pushing me in that direction like okay like you're going to go to nursing school because like when I said I was going to like take a year off and be like go model full time in New York she was like okay well rent is due on the first and I was

like I'm like I'm not paying rent I'm not paying you rent like she's like or get the fuck out so I was like okay fine I'll go to nursing school but she was always like you can still model like I want you to have that my mom was also very like she could have been a model. But she was so shy and so self-conscious that like she like she just never really like believed in herself in that capacity. And so I think she kind of like projected it on to me a little bit. She was like where people would always tell me like, oh, your daughter should do modeling, blah, blah, blah. And then she started getting me into it slowly and surely. And then when I was 16, I ended up signing with some agency. And then I kind of just always did it on the

side. And like I loved it. I wanted to do it full time. Um, you have a little momager yeah she's like when can I like Chris Jenner got a Bentley when she's like I was like I'm waiting I was like honey you'll be very lucky if you get like a house outside of my like a little in-law suite one day like relax I'm not putting you in a home it does remind me of my mom though because she was the first woman in our like family to go to college yeah and she wanted to be a jazz musician and like actress but she wanted to be a jazz musician and like actress but she wanted to prove that like she can use her degree and like make money and like do the corporate ladder of like the 80s stuff so and she was like I just can't do that so I think even my Nana who

loves Instagram when she told. Nana told her dad that she wanted to be go to art school at 18 and he cried and was like find a husband like Nana did like small Italian Catholic Brooklyn family and she so she found a husband and now later in life so anyway long so short I think you're a great example Oh my gosh. Nana's I love your family. I love your family too. I love you. I've just FaceTimed your mom.

I know, but I love Nana and I love your mom. But like that, see, like they had to like choose, you know, which sometimes I'm like, do I need to choose? I mean, I've been fortunate enough to like dabble into a lot of it. But my biggest goal is definitely like make my parents proud in the sense of like I've tapped into everything that I can until like, I can't anymore, and that includes, I mean, modeling because my mom did spend a lot of money up front trying to get me into that world. And then, not to mention nursing, she, like, filled out my nursing school application. Drug me to the open house and paid tuition, obviously.

And, like, now it's in, like, the reality TV space. I do what I'm seeing for you. I do, I do, the fact that you're so knowledgeable about nursing, I feel like as your platform grows and you start doing other stuff you're passionate about, it's going to follow you just in a different form, like whether it's you starting a foundation or you getting involved with things that now you have

more of a like power influence. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's going to, we just don't know where it's going to be. And I definitely want it to be that thing that stays with me because I feel like knowledge in health care is so important. I feel like you need to know a really good attorney in your life,

a good doctor or nurse, someone in health care, period, a really estate agent. What else did I say? Therapist. Therapist and maybe like a porn star. I'm just kidding. But like having that

healthcare knowledge is so freaking important. It's absolutely the difference between, you know, life and death sometimes, especially in certain situations that like you need to know what the fuck to ask. You need to know what you're looking for, like how to even navigate a conversation with an like when you're going through something like it's so freaking important and especially for like

the minority population and like the underserved it's so hard to get lost in the cracks and that's why I'm like nursing will forever follow me because I feel like just having the knowledge of health care and hospitals and how to navigate you know patient doctor relationships no one talks about it nobody talks about it some people like I know I freeze like they finally get to you and I'm like a people please so I'm like yeah I'm fine And they're like your pinkies backwards. And you're fine. Or how they deal with mental health where they're just like, okay, like, have you

any headaches? Are you depressed? Like they ask you so casually, they're weird for you to be like, actually I am. Yeah. And I could even see you doing like TikTok videos, giving little information about that stuff. I mean, you're the creator behind like so many things. Like whenever I need a good idea, I'm like, Hannah, what are you? Because you just like, you off ideas for TikTok videos.

I love an idea. I'm an idea girl. and you just try stuff until you're really good at trying things no matter if they like do good or not you're just you're willing to try it see if it works if it doesn't like you move on see I'm very like calculated when I do something if it's not successful I'm not doing it

which I like want to be a perfectionist and it's so hard in this like I think we're similar I do have a perfectionist side that has thwarted me and like certain things I've never said the word thwart and I don't know why I did that but then I think I'm like with creativity I don't considerate failing or losing. Like school or tennis, I was very perfectionist.

Like, if I lost a point, I'd freak out. If I did Ben, I'd freak out. But I've convinced myself that in this creative space we're in that, like, I fail like 100 times during the day of it, but it's all part of the creation, the creativity. So it's never really an L is what I, like, that's my perspective with stuff. When it's creative. But like when it's so public, I feel like I get in my head about so many things.

Because one, I think that people have this person, I think people have this idea of me where, one, they think that I'm perfect and I'm fucking not, despite whatever, however my Instagram may look. And so I'm scared to like put out a product or put out a, put out anything that's like so less than like what people's expectations of me are, which is so fucked up now that I'm saying it out loud because I'm like, it's just so not even realistic. And like really doesn't do anything except inhibit me from even sharing myself with the world. And you're also giving, like, way too much credit to whoever those people are who want perfection. Maybe their idea of, why is their idea of perfection so much better than yours? Like, in my head, I'll be like, whatever joke I do will be something they don't expect. It might be shitty.

But, like, it's not, like, who are they to know what's so great? Who are they to be, like, this is amazing and this is not? Like, why are they setting the bar? And there's a reason that, like, there's the critics. Yeah. And there's the people doing shit. Yeah. And if you're, if you are stuck.

teaking yourself all the time the next thing you know you just sit there and you become a critic of yourself yeah and i even in the arena yeah when like it takes even takes balls to put something out yeah and i think you should be proud of even that i mean you going to put yourself on reality tv in a scenario where you really didn't know anyone that well yeah was wild and it it really did overall work out for you and we're still here we're still here i still have a pulse yes I wanted, and also we don't talk about how you moved from Atlanta to be here. Yeah. You mentioned you wanted like floor to ceiling windows like you do.

What is the ideal space for you to be in the best mental? Oh my God, I have to have light. Oh my God. Remember when we were looking at apartments? It was hilarious. Last year. It was hilarious. Around this time last year.

Like, I was sending her little caves. Boxes. And I was trying not to be like, I would never live in an establishment like that. I'm like there's a boutique on the corners in the West Village and she's like not for 200 square feet no thank you I was like I'm like the rats are friendly oh my god you should have seen the floors in those

buildings no okay so my comfortable space well I said to myself if I moved to from Atlanta to New York like if I'm gonna move I still want to be comfortable because my living space is so important because I do go through like I have my bouts of like seasonal depression and then like when I was working in the hospital full time

like coming home and having my own space where I don't have to share it with anyone. I also have Jaspers, so he needs space. He needs windows. Yes, my child. I need light. I need to be able to design that space. However, I see fit because I just, when it feels,

it's really important for my space to feel like a home. I don't want to feel like I'm living there temporarily. So, like, I do go all out with, like, painting my walls and decor, and my mom thinks I'm crazy. But, like, it's just. That's so cute, though. I need that. I needed to feel very homey, you know?

I didn't realize that till later in life because I used to live somewhere for a year and leave, and I literally would treat it like I was in a hotel room. Yeah, I can't do that. I would treat it like I was in a hospital room. No. People would walk in and be like, am I in a hospital? Yeah, like it's sterile.

It lacks personality. There was no personality because in my head, I guess, I was just like, I'm not going to be here. I don't care. But it's because of my own self-hate of like, I didn't feel like I had this beautiful home. Oh, wow. It's like a full circle where it's like,

okay, you're not giving yourself a place to feel good. Yeah. And then you wonder why you don't feel good. And then you hate your girl because you don't feel good. Yeah. Just like a, like when you're in this space that you feel the most comfortable, I feel like you're the most productive. And like growing up, my, so my parents were divorced and like, I just, like, having to go

from like my mom's house to my dad's house, my dad's house, my dad's house, my dad's house. Like, I never really felt like I got to like, you know, like, I felt like some kids, they got to pick out like everything that they wanted in their room and really like customize their room and my mom didn't necessarily have the time for that bullshit which I totally understand but I don't feel like I really ever got to like have the space that I wanted to have you know and when I did it was maybe for a couple years and then like even it just never really felt like my space but my mom's also the type to like she's painting walls and like very into home decor and making it feel like a home so the rest of the house felt like a home but like

My room never really felt, you know, like my space. So when I moved out, it's always been like, okay, well, I have to have this. I want everything, like, in its space, like, appropriately. Like, I need to have it feel like home. When you're in your dark place, if you're at home, you're not feeling well, it's dark outside. What are things you do to get out of your depression? Lately, I've been, like, making sure that I get up and just go outside, whether I go for a walk. and I've been having a hard time getting into like a groove of things coming into New York

just like finding my rhythm so trying to go work out in the morning like having not be the first thing that I do go for a walk just getting outside and honestly just making I make a ton of checklist and like to-do list and just writing it all down I love it I love even the littlest thing just to cross it off yeah just cross it off yeah yeah Expo markers on my mirror, like something.

Yes. Yeah. Do you think New York has changed you? For sure. For sure. I think I'm dressing a lot better. You are dressing really well. You find because there's more inspiration around if people like being edgy.

Yeah. I remember one time I was going out with Paige and I was like, is this crazy if I wear this? And she goes, it doesn't even really matter because it's New York and it's art. And I was like, so now when I'm getting dressed, like even if it's risky, whatever, not something that I would typically where I'm like, it's fucking art, it's New York. No one's really looking at you that crazy. You're stressing yourself. Yeah, I'm like, I'm trying something new.

And in Atlanta, like, it's great. Like, fashion's very amazing, but it's, you know, it's samples of the same thing. And New York is just very, you can take different pieces. And I just, I think it's changed me in that way. Definitely don't smile as much on the street. Like, I did smile an lady this morning and she smiled back, actually. That's beautiful.

What else? No, I think it's changing me for the good I'm glad I did this in my 20s Are you going to move back to Atlanta? No Oh Not unless I like have a family or something Yeah

Back to our original question Do you think New York guys How are they different than the Atlanta guys? Um And this is a mass stereotype But I like to stare at this. Especially with men Um

Damn Um But I feel like you've also dated men from all over. Yeah, I'm typically in a long-distance relationship. She has a hoe in every area code. I try to. Yeah, what's with a long... Dude, no, I really...

You know what, we both... I'm not even equipped for that shit. Can I just judge you? Yeah. And myself. Because we're similar. Obviously, sometimes we have a similar taste in men. Same exact taste in men.

I think that we both have walls up. Yeah. Because we'll go for guys who have intimacy issues or guys who have, like, they're not emotionally available. Yeah. Which you think it's attractive and you think it's attractive because you don't want someone who's emotionally available because you're not emotionally available.

Yeah. So having these, I used to do the long distance guys too sometimes and you felt good like you had someone who liked you but you also weren't faced with any kind of serious commitment. Right. And it's also just shows, not that it's a bad thing, it's more like you're figuring your shit out. Yeah.

And you're not actually ready to have that like all-consuming love. Yeah. And so now that, now I haven't done a long-distance relationship. And I've actually made it one of the things that I'm not willing to do right now because I do want to have a relationship with someone who's like here in New York in my face because it is very easy to like be in a long-distance relationship. And I've done that for most of my 20s. That's why I didn't know that.

Colorado or when I was in New York, he was in Atlanta or they were in New York and I was in Atlanta or Florida. like or California so it's always been like the guys who were around you you just didn't meet the right guy I just never really met that meant like one when I started travel nursing that was one of them and then two I just felt like I never I would always meet guys and they were like be like I don't live here and I'd be like okay we can make it work but now I'm just like I don't want to do that right now like I'm just like it's too much I want to get to know you and go out on Friday night Saturday night Tuesday because then you have a weird like dopamine mean high when you do see them and then it's just missing them and like it's not the right like chemicals

in your brain yeah like you get this false you start thinking of what they're like when you're not spending enough time with them yeah you make them up in your head what they're like as a boyfriend when really they're just calling you once a day and then we're doing trips together so it's like not real yeah and now i'm like i want something that's real and concrete and i want to like lay a study foundation in the same city and wait did you be the next bachelorette no Are you, I can't, bitch, we just said we didn't want a guy. Yeah, we are decentering men from our lives. That's what we're doing.

And, like, he has to be here for the right reason. If I'm found a bachelor, he definitely wants followers. Of some sort, you know, wouldn't you think? For sure, for sure. That was a bad idea of mine. I have a lot of ideas and sometimes they fail. Yeah, and sometimes they suck. But no, I just, I just want a calm spirit.

Someone who's, like, not, who, like, cares about what I'm doing, but doesn't care that, like, I'm on TV, like, they could give a fuck about it. It, yeah, it changes the game. It changes the game entirely because I'm like, I don't want to come into a relationship or a situation ship where you feel like you've already had, where someone's already kind of given you a synopsis on who they think I am prior to you even. Would you live in L.A.? Yeah. Why not? I'm 26.

Mid, yeah, you're mid-20s. I think 26 is like you're trying to find what brings you joy and you, as a wise 30-year-old. everyone is like a mirror for you and all these guys you're dating I've been with a lot of dicks all these guys you're dating you're learning all these new things about yourself and then by the time

in a couple of years you know exactly the red flags that you can't deal with you know exactly your boundaries and you know exactly what you love to do yourself so that energy like the right people start yeah you're just like perfecting like who you want to be and who you are and like

I always like since I don't have all the time, but I got some time. Maybe might not. We don't even know what tomorrow holds, but I want to keep myself open to any and everything. I'm never going to close myself off completely, whether it's like location-wise, people. I'm just, yeah.

I would definitely live in L.A. or even freaking Florida, Washington. Who the fuck knows? Yeah. I just feel like, you know, in your 20s, I feel like you should utilize, like take advantage of damn everything. I think society tries to tell people in their 20s too much, like, time to be successful.

This is when you're young, you want to be successful. When, like, you don't talk enough about how 20s are so chaotic. 20s are very chaotic. I was getting thrown into a different, like, career and guy every two seconds. And you think you're failing, but you're like, no, you have your whole life to sit on the couch and catch up on rerun. This is your time to do the research. You're literally just researching everything. It does feel like you're flailing, but like your 20s are fucking hard.

I feel like nobody, I mean, people are talking about it more. more, but your 20s are really, really hard. People go, oh, it's the best time you're life. Like, college for me. College was scary and crazy too. I don't know what I was doing. Yeah. I was like, it's the best time you're life and I'm like, well, I'm scared. Right. I feel like I got a delayed college too because like, then I'm on reality TV and then like I'm going through. I feel like I've also, and then I had a nursing job during the pandemic. Like there's also a lot of things where, you know, your average, I've done things that your average 26 year old, 25 year old hasn't done. And so for me, I'm like, I'm trying to uncover every rock and see what's under it because I just never know what's next.

But also I'm trying to keep myself grounded and say that I'm only 26 because despite whether I've, despite everything that I have done thus far, it's like I'm still young and I need to like give myself some grace in that aspect. Yeah. And then even if you're older, you can be 46 and have the same job your whole life and say fuck it, life's sure. right i'm getting a new job i'm going to be a jazz musician whatever the fuck you want i'm very into that i'm very into curating the life that you want to live and like whatever that looks like or whatever you need to do to get there just fucking do it and if you really love it you're gonna find a way to yeah monetize it and be successful yeah okay you're killing it you're killing it in hell i knew you would i'm obsessed with you we're gonna do a final game

What do you greedy about? Ooh, food. What kind of food? Everybody. Look how happy you just got it. Not your food, other people's food. No, my pet peeve is going out to dinner with the people who don't want to share their food. Absolutely not.

We'll not date a guy who doesn't share food. Why does their food always look better than your food? Exactly. And I don't know. Because when I order shit, I'm like, damn, it sounded good. They need it. That's why I want to only order from restaurants to have pictures. I once almost broke up with a guy

because he got mad. I asked if I could have some toast. There were like four little pieces and I ate one of the pieces and he got so mad that I ate like a whole piece. See? And then I was like, we're done. No, you're done.

Because I would have given you all of my shit and you got mad over a piece of toast. See, no, we need to be able to go to a restaurant and I can eat off your plate, no problem. For sure. Yeah. Who are you envious of? And it could be a type of person

doesn't have to be a... You don't have to call someone out. But you can if you want. want. Anybody who's living in like a four-bedroom house in Tribeca right now or four-bedroom condo? Do they have? Oh, wow. I don't know. Taylor Swift. Yeah. Like. Ariana Grande. Mm-hmm. Like anyone who has like a really dope New York apartment. Mm-hmm. Florida ceiling windows and upstairs. Oh.

Jasper would love an upstairs. Dude, I'm getting creative. I don't even know who lives has an upstairs. I didn't realize how passionate you were about interior design, but now I think about your apartment and it's well done. I just kind of took it for granted. I was just like, yeah, it's nice. It's really nice. Thanks. I love, I love living spaces. Because that takes a certain eye. Like, you know, like Paige and I were talking just because she's going to play together now if it doesn't mean she could look at a room and know. Yeah. I think that if I could do it all over again, I would definitely be like flipping houses. I would be flipping houses. Okay. HGTV. I think like when I get older, You know, maybe when I have kids or something after, like when they're in grade school or something, I think that I'm a mother already sometimes.

Like, I would be flipping house. I'll be flipping houses. Like, that's... So you're excited to be a mom. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Do you want a boy or girl?

It doesn't matter. Are they? It doesn't matter. What do you gluttonous about? What do you overindulgent? Shoes. Shoes. What?

Are we doing material shit, right? Like, would I overindulge in? Shoes. How has your... How is your spending... Did you want me to say something, like, more profound? Now I feel like... A material girl!

Petri-gall! She is... That's a good idea. That was the old reference. Anyway, now that you've made some money on reality TV, what do you splurge in? Is it splurge? Is it splurge?

Is it splurge? Splurge. Splurge. Okay, that sounded sexual. What do you splurge about? You spend money in shoes. Okay. You know what?

Honestly, just like living in New York is what I spend my money on. Just going outside $300 immediately. We're literally rent. Going out with my friends. I don't, I'm not even a person who I don't buy designer handbags. I see the fraud on the couch. We're fake. Like I don't buy designer handbags.

I don't really. buy like I'm not really like a label person but definitely like going out experiences like yeah like when I'm with my friends I just want to have fun like I don't give a fuck how much it costs go well out yeah like saddie daddy behavior when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger was today the six um see it's June 6th you know January through May was a pretty how do you cope with your anger because it's funny when i knew you the time we spent together living together you'd get like worked up on something normally something that i was getting you worked up on and we'd like get worked up together girl but i never saw you get angry but you always

warned me you're like if i do i do and i was the one that was always like well i was crying most of well that well i'm a cryinger too it's not i'm a crier i'm definitely a crier I don't lose my cool a lot. I don't typically let people see me lose my cool because it honestly takes a lot. I feel like I'm pretty patient in the sense of like. You're definitely not a friend that I'm like, ooh, watch out for her anger problem. Yeah. And we know people like that.

And you're not one of them. Yeah. So I feel like it takes a lot. But like once you, I mean, if you keep poking me and keep poking me, like, yeah. How did you feel dealing with a TV show where most of the women are white? And if you get angry, you might be stereotype. Yeah. Because, like, I know I was never worried about being, like, the angry white girl.

I never, I had that privilege of not having to think about that. Right. Did that cross your mind at all? A hundred times a day, 10 million times. Really? All the time. Like, I have to be so prim and proper and so, I just have to hold myself. And I hold myself to a high standard naturally, but I can't be angry or upset or if I raise my voice, I look a certain way and I'm just like feeding into this stereotype or I'm a bad representation of what a black woman on reality TV is.

It's like I have to be so controlled in my emotions, even though, you know, someone could piss me off or I could be angry. I have to be so composed no matter what, no matter what. And it's that like fighting those stereotypes is so fucking annoying and so hard because it's like, damn, you know, my co-star could be angry a hundred million times and nobody even calls her angry or I get called aggressive because I'm angry. I have a moment where like, yeah, I'm pissed off. I get called aggressive. And I'm sorry, but I don't feel like I'm aggressive. I'm allowed to be upset. Things are allowed to piss me off just like person A, B, C, and D.

but you know I'm getting called aggressive and it's funny because the whole concept of reality TV is trying to get people to lose their composure right like that's the goal of it it's not like you're sitting there just having like a town hall meeting yeah like it's all based on drama right and then and then they're like oh well like as a person of color I should and I'm like that's even a weight that you don't even understand like oh because I'm a person of color I have to be held to a different standard than my white counterparts because I'm a person of color like that doesn't make sense to me and it's also unique because some other bravo shows might have like more of an even like yeah playing field in terms of like the diversity in their cast yeah or it's like all black right or all white

or something but things have been changing but i mean what you've done took a lot of balls to basically come in as the first black cast member on summer house thanks and Is there anything that you feel like people should know about, like, the weight that you carried? I don't even, I mean, I don't know. I just feel like it was my experience. You know, when we first went into that summer, I said to Ian. It was doing BLM. Yeah, it was a heavy fucking summer.

You know, and I said to Ian, I was like, okay, I'm coming into this show. I'm the first black cast member that you guys have had. I was like, I do feel a sense of pressure of, like, yeah, I want to have a good time. I want to meet these people. But, like, you know, there's a lot of pressure in that. And he was just like, oh, like, just be yourself, blah, I don't think you should think about that.

And I'm just like, and that's, it's like a white guy telling me this. But I'm like, it doesn't turn off in my head, you know? And that was the summer of Black Lives Matter and George Floyd and March on Washington and all these different protests going on in Atlanta. And then I'm in the Hamptons, which is like the whitest area of who even fucking, I don't even know. A predominantly white area in a house in a predominantly white house as well. I remember one morning we all were like, who knows what we were doing, drinking rosé, and you were outside watching, I think, a march.

Yeah, I was watching the march on Washington, yeah. Yeah, and you were crying. Yeah, it was such a, like, it was, yeah, and like production wanted me to, like, have different conversations that day, and I was, like, not feeling it. I was like, look, like, there's so much emotional. mental racial turmoil that's going on in the United States right now that it's hard for me to even focus on whatever the fuck is going on in this house also it's giving you this responsibility to like educate people

yeah yeah which isn't like the job you signed up for yeah I was like it was just kind of strange like and I think that who did I talk to in the house which was like you and Amanda and stuff about everything that was going on because, like, no one was really, like, dissecting, you know, what was going on in the world, like, why we were in the house, which is totally fine. But I think, like, things that annoy me when people don't understand our friendship. And I was, like, there were so many times, like, during the summer, you know, like, where, like, you took the time to have a conversation with me, you know, and some people didn't.

And, like, not that they even knew what was going on, but, like, you were a friend to me on that level and like could see me and like could you know just could just like be there even if you didn't understand entirely like just listening or giving an ear you know so I'm like people can talk shit about you like I can talk shit about you but like nobody else can because I'm like that's just like a whole other side of our friendship that people never really even got to see and like yeah like that was it was a crazy summer also have my parents calling me like are you okay are you safe like you're in the Hamptons. They don't know anything about the Hamptons.

They just know that it's like predominantly white. Like what's going on? So that's like a whole other side to filming that people and being like the first black person on reality that people don't even can't even relate to. So like when we had like that big conversation with Maya this season, it was like it was kind of like a breath of fresh air to even be able to vocalize it. Because power comes in numbers, especially in terms of like race. conversations because it's like when you only have one it makes it easier for people to kind of invalidate your experience or make your question it or like oh yeah be like perhaps it was this or maybe it's just that yeah you kind of get gaslighted and like when you have another person there it's

like another black person there that you're like I was like nope I know exactly what you're talking about yep I felt that way at some point in time yep I understand okay like amazing and so like just to have like that backup and just to have her there like you yeah it's hard to like diversify a show and not have an open dialogue and conversation or even really even be someone's friend if you can't even begin to express your your world your life yeah it's funny because I remember during casting I like recommended like one of my black comic friends and he called me and he's like

so you guys need a token black guy and I had like the most nervous laugh and he was like no it's all good I just need to know the situation like would I fuck with these people would I like them? Right yeah and I was like

I don't know and he was like we had like a long talk of like if it's actually worth it for him yeah and because it takes like different personality types obviously that would mix but like there were a lot of people

who couldn't have done right you have to realize like there are probably you know in casting and like getting casted there are probably a number of black people that looked at the scenario of it being a predominantly white cast for all these years and was like it's not a safe to be you know what no I don't think that that's something that I could walk into I have my friends back home in Atlanta that are like Sarah I don't know how you did that and they would text me and be like I don't know they were like how they would be watching this season they were like how did you do that like I don't know how you did that, especially in that time. Like, I don't get it. And I was like, nothing worth having comes

easy. And there are moments where it's uncomfortable, but also at the end of the day, like, I'm not going to let, like, the color of my skin dictate what opportunities I take and what I don't. You know, I was like, where there's a fur, unfortunately, not unfortunately, because I think that there always needs to be, there's always going to be a first. Yeah. But I don't do it to be the first. I do it for the person after me and the person after me. Well, I was about to say, like, the Hamptons are obviously very white and it's aspirational. And there's a lot of white girls that say, oh, I can't wait you got the Hamptons or whatever. Yeah.

But, like, who knows what, like, other cultures are now being represented on the show? Yeah. That, like, younger people could be, like, I see myself in that kind of environment. And I want to be in the Hamptons or whatever. But just, like, having that representation. Right. And so when I see, like, other Black girls in the Hamptons and they're like, Sierra, I love you.

Like, I come to the Hamptons all the time. and like I'm the only black girl in my group of friends and it's kind of crazy and like she's like I just is so good to know that like you know I'm not the only one in this situation and like I do have to have these I've had to have these like weird conversations

with my housemates too it's like I see you I hear you I would do it 10 million times over just for that one it gives me shivers yeah because like think of how many girls felt like they dim along in the hand yeah who might have been invited and said, I feel too uncomfortable, but they think of you, looking how to shit, walking into a restaurant in the Hamptons, and be like if Sierra could do it, I can.

Yeah. And feel like she belongs a little more. Like, just to be confident in yourself and not eliminate yourself from a situation or a scenario or, you know, a certain setting because you think you might not fit in. Like that, you know, you're put on this earth for a reason and, like, walk with your head. I will walk into any room. I'm not going to apologize for my skin color. I'm going to be confident, and I will fake it until I make it, you know, even if I don't feel that way. But it's like I'm not going to let my skin color dictate or what people think of me dictate, you know, what type of setting I belong to or belong in.

You heard it here first. You heard it in hell. Oh, my God. Anyway, I was like really good. That was a really good question. Well, it was funny. At first, we were like, do we? At first, I was like, what else?

But I'm glad, okay Well, it's also something that while filming I never felt comfortable asking you Because it's so fourth wall breakage Yeah, I would have got cut Okay When was the last time you were slothed So like just lazy

Yesterday Same This morning I feel like you're good at like when you're on You're on When I'm on, I'm on yeah And then It's like a cat

When Yeah Hello They're either the star of the show Or bitch don't touch me Like we're either taking 10-hour naps or we're fucking chasing a hair tie from a apartment. You have the Zoomie's up for you. Yeah, like yesterday, definitely.

When was the last time you let your ego get in the way of something? So like, how's your ego? Because I know that getting a little fame, I see how people can become cuns. Like I see how you have yes people around you. You could see how you can get people to listen to you and you could be reckless. You could think your hot stuff at some point. How's your ego? I think my friends do a good job of keeping me in track.

They call me like a Z-list celebrity. I got into a screaming fight with one of my friends. Well, not a screaming fight. He called me a D-list, which actually I was like, that's pretty good. A D-list celebrity. And I was like, you call me D-List celebrity. I was like, even though you're right, like, that's not wrong. But honestly, I think my ego's fine.

My friends do a good job of, like, keeping me in check. They're like, we don't, like, we don't give a fuck. Yeah. But it's kind of funny because they're like, hey, do we have to wait in the slide? Can you tell them who you are? And I'm like, no. That's so funny. No?

Well, I had like a weird, like, remembering when I first met you, I guess, what was it? Two years ago? It's two or three. Yeah, three years? Two. Two. Two. Oh, it's 20-22.

You're exactly the same. You're just like a little more, like, I tell you're busier. Like, you have shit going on. Yeah. And you're less, like, scared. Yeah. Yeah, you're a little less scared. Well, I mean, anyone would be scared.

I would pay one page and I are for a season. We were literally going to the bathroom and just be like, yeah. I can't do this. Okay, well, when the last time you lusted over someone, this can also be like, who's your celebrity crush? My celebrity crush. Do I have a celebrity crush right now? I don't feel like I lust over.

celebrities that much um where are you dating are you like on rye or hinge i'm on raya i'm not on hinge i dude i locked myself out of hinge try to make a like a profile when i was drunk one time with my friend i accidentally put my birth year is 2016 they were like you have to be 18 years or older i like message there's customer service so many times with my license okay hinge if you're listening get your girl on like can i the thing with raya now i could talk shit about it because i'm married i mean who knows you never know in the future if you need to get on those things but Yeah, I mean, I think a second wedding, second bachelor's, I could be really fun. That would be so fun.

Yeah. But yeah, there's a lot of like DJs and founders. I haven't met anyone on riot where like we've actually like gone out. Same. I've never like gone out. Yeah. I've like FaceTimed. I've texted.

Not even that. Interesting. I haven't done that. Interesting. I guess I'm fucked. It's either super inspirational or she's like, well, we all die. Yeah. Okay, final question.

Advice to the little devil. who've been asking you to come on, they're probably so excited that you've survived hell. What advice would you give them on how to cope with your hell when you're going through it? Do any and everything

that you feel is necessary for yourself, whether it's going to get the massage, whether it's like, which if you work out when you're depressed, like more power to you, I don't do that. I know it's so hard. No, I'll have an anxiety attack.

My therapist even said, you are not the type to like go run when you're like super stressed. No, I'm not. It's like an adverse reaction. Oh, no, that's what I said to Maya. Maya asked me advice for going on reality TV. I just said, get a therapist.

No, get a therapist, invest in a very good therapist, like, lay on the couch. It's literally a tax write off so that you don't, like, burn the house down. Lay on the couch, listen to music. And honestly, find a really good group of friends. Find a key group of friends that can kind of keep you grounded and just, love you no matter what it's like a judgment free but also a judgment zone like you want them to like yeah like you want them to keep you in your place soft bullying soft right no like if if i can't make fun of you we're not friends but like yeah like they keep you in line they are here for you no matter

what and just like genuine good people and i've been very blessed where i was able to come to new york and i feel like i found like a really good solid group of friends that i go out and i go out of and party with on the weekends, but I know I could call them at 3 a.m. if I needed something. Obviously, you and Paige and, like, yeah. And you've recently, like, made friends with some of my long-time friends.

Oh, my gosh. She made me so happy. Because that's just the beginning. I know. They're just budding. Which I need to call Haley and be like, wait, we were supposed to do dinner, actually. It does make me happy to see, like, people that I love connecting, because then I'm like, oh, it's not coincidence. You love them. You love connecting people. You love it. You're like, oh, my God.

And I'm like, Chill. It's been two minutes. Paige said she was jealous that we all hung out last night. What? What? At the comedy show? She says we, she thinks we replaced Gary with her. And I said we absolutely fucking looting. Gary was like, Sierra, do you think you're babysitting?

I was like, yes, I have to get you home to Kim in one piece with no tattoos or she'll kill me. He's like, you're not babysitting me. I'm a 35-year-old man. I was like, yeah, but you're also my best friend's brother. Yep. Like, hello. Yep. Yeah.

Page just out in L.A. No, shout out to Paige. Shout out to Giggly Squad. Shout out to Sierra. Shout out to her girls in Atlanta. Shout out to Cesar's mom. Shout out to Des. Anyway, thank you guys so much

for coming to hell today. We love you so much and we'll talk to you later. Oh, wait. Where can people follow you? Just Instagram. I don't need me. Instagram and TikTok.

Sierra Miller, 3 underscores. Yeah, she's going to start doing some nursing videos. Okay, we love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you.