Berner Phone - Dailyn Santana: Bipolar Disorder & Battling Yourself

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Dailyn is the first guest to come to hell and open up about her bipolar disorder. She goes into detail about her first manic episode and explains how she's persevered to find love, a career that inspires her, and understand herself. GET TICKETS TO MY COMEDY SHOWS HERE! https://www.hannahberner.com/ --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ooh, we have a hot episode today with Dalyne. But before that, I have to let you guys know. I'm in New York City headlining at Gotham Comedy Club this weekend, October 8th and 9th. It's going to be lit. Go to hannah burner.com. I'm also in Nashville today and Thursday. And San Francisco, Arizona, Irvine, Los Angeles, all coming up. Check out hana burner.com.

The tour is getting crazy. And I just love meeting you all. the flesh, even though I hate saying in the flesh, enjoy this episode. I haven't had one like it ever. Our faces are very symmetric. Like, we definitely look very similar. When he sent me that DM, I was like, who the fuck is this white bitch that looks just like me? Welcome to Burning Hell. up we have another episode in hell and this is a unique episode because we're talking about some topics we've never spoken about before just in the lava it's going to be crazy um today

we are going to hell with actress speaker poet cubanita and bipolar seorita yeah deline deline santana that was beautiful welcome to hell oh my god thank you i did take Spanish high school and i did go to mexico a couple months ago oh my god there you go it's cubanita like that cubanita cubanita okay thank you you're like you get um 85 percent so deline you're currently in long island strong island as they say but you're a new jersey girl what are you doing out in long island my fiance and so he he's from he's originally from queens but then he's moved to New Hyde Park. Oh, my fiance is from Queen.

Really? Oh, my God. Congrats, by the way. Thank you. Wait, we need to a double date with our Queens boys. See how loud we can get at one dinner. Oh, my God. It's going to be a shit show.

My boyfriend's or my fiance, rather, is Cuban, too. So you already know. But, yeah, so he's the reason why I'm here. But prior to meeting him, I would always do mitzvahs for a long. time as a motivational dancer. So I was always coming to the line. I have so many questions about that. When you say mitzvahs, you mean like bar mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs.

What is a motivational dancer? So the entertainment companies for bot and bar mitzvahs, they have obviously your DJ, right? They have your MC, but they also have your motivational dancers, aka where I come in. So basically our job is to get the crowd going. And, you know, we do like that. you know, every type of instructional dance, you know, like the cha-cha slide, you know, the cupid stuff, all everything, just to get the kids and the adults going, because normally they don't really get up to dance themselves. So we're like, come on, you know, so it's a whole

thing. And I did it for every weekend forever. I thought that you were going to say, like, motivational dancer, like a motivational speaker. Like, I mean, I guess it is pretty similar, but I thought it was going to be like, okay, guys, we're going to learn about her bodies. And we're going to motivate ourselves. But I mean, I guess it is similar in a fun way. I've been to some crazy bar mitzvahs. It obviously depends on the budget. But it does sound emotionally exhausting to have to go to a party and always be the one who's the most hyped up.

Always. And it's the entire part. Because I'm always the least hype wound up at a party. I'm always like, I don't want to be here. I'm going to go on the corner and go on my phone. Yeah, well, it would be me who would take you and have like a glow up light stick and be like, come. You know, like, like, I would literally like shove you into the dance floor and I would be like two stepping with you and we do what's called follow alongs. So you have to follow along with what I'm doing.

It's a whole thing. It's a whole industry. I'm not good at taking instructions. I don't have naturally that great rhythm. But I did get kind of drunk at my, the sweet 16 of my little cousin. And let's just say, because all these songs are going on and I'm like, these are my music. This is my music. And I was going on the dance floor.

And then I realized like I look like an old. aunt because they're all 16 and they think I'm like a crazy old aunt and then finally I was just like trying to get them to like me and it was a dark time in my life but um we're at that age now i do have to go back one second and explain I remembered how we virtually met do you remember yes I was thinking about it today while I was doing the laundry well first of all good for you because I've been procrastinating my laundry because my cat peed in my laundry and I have to do like two loads and it's making it impossible for me but anyway so sam gomez thank you so sam gomez is an actor slash comedian that i met doing these NFL therapy videos

who came up to me one day and he was like yo you look like dailene yeah and i was like who is that and he like pulled up your instagram so basically we look very alike if you were half if you were half If you were half Italian and half European Mudgee or if I was Cuban, we are each other. Our faces are very symmetric. Like, we definitely look very similar. When he sent me that DM, I was like, who the fuck is this white bitch that looks just like me? Well, I also get nervous every time someone's like, you look just like this person. You're like, oh, God.

And then you see them and you're like, that's okay, okay. I have to, you know, I have to go through now reflecting on everything I've ever done in my life. but who what celebrities do you get told you look like i used to get lea michel all the time when glee was like pop in i got lea and michel all the time and i'm not like i mean i guess i don't i just don't have that similar demeanor and i'm not like a musical theater person so i'd be like no like you're like i'll get pumped up to get a bunch of people do cha cha cha-cha slide but i'm not about to break into song no or not i've gotten like hillary swank and i'll Some people give me Brie Larson, which I don't see.

No, you're not. My favorite is, yeah, my favorite is Anna de Armas. Is that her name? She's Ben Afflex X. I'm model girl. Yeah. So I'm like, thank you. But my mom actually looks like Hillary Swank.

I don't look like I have a picture. No, I've seen a picture of your mother and your grandmother. We love Nana. Yeah. And we love, yeah, she definitely does. definitely exactly and i so so basically we connected and immediately i was like oh my god this girl is actually quite interesting and you have a lot of parts of you that i relate to you i feel connected to but also you're bipolar and i didn't realize it because i've talked so much shit on this pot

about so many things but i don't think and i'm not trying to like make you nervous but i don't think i've had someone yet to speak on like from a personal experience being bipolar so I'm actually like so excited to have you on to raise awareness about it to talk about it to dig deep into it so you said you're bipolar and you're being bipolar so I I always say and this is a huge part of my journey of accepting my illness it's I always say I have bipolar and I instead of I'm I used to always say I'm bipolar I'm bipolar and it really fucked me up for a long time but when I I switched my perspective to I'm not bipolar like someone who has cancer or diabetes they don't say I'm diabetes they say I have diabetes so I always say I have bipolar disorder you know what I mean well it's like

depression yeah like if I was like I am depression that shit will fuck with your head and I love how actually the words you use those little details to talk about something is super important so immediately we're learning immediately we're we're growing here okay so give me kind of the tea of anything that I need to know about the kind of how you learned about your kind of diagnosis or when it happened and how. So I was showing symptoms of depression and anxiety as young as sixth grade. And I had no idea what the hell I was experiencing because growing up in a Latino family and just growing up where I grew up in Elizabeth, New Jersey, this is not something that

anybody talked about, certainly not in school and definitely not at home. So I just had no idea. I would wake up and I just felt like I couldn't. Like I just could not do life. I couldn't go to school. I couldn't do anything. So I would pretend I was sick. I would literally get, I would get a lamp in my room.

Ferris Bueller's Day off. I went fair. Totally. I thought that movie. But I did, I literally did like the same shit. I got like I rubbed my palms together really tight and put a lamp over my forehead got a cloth and just wet myself and I told my mom that I was sick and I was a really good actress and my mom was you know pretty gullible I guess what I see but she really thought

I was sick and so I would skip school on those days um it wasn't until I was 19 that I was diagnosed and I had what's called a manic episode do you know what that is I would love you to heard you so a manic episode is um when you experience mania for more than two weeks so mania is characterized as losing touch with reality so for me it happens super gradual i was in college and i am the kind of person that i'm not i'm not shy but i'm not outgo or i wasn't shy i'm a different person now um at that time in my life when i was 19 like i was I wasn't shy, but I wasn't like you. I wasn't outgoing by any means or by any stretch of the imagination.

So what I started doing was tweeting. I was like tweeting all of this like funny shit and like just like far out stuff. And I would dress differently and then you're expressing yourself. Yes. And everybody was like, day is funny all of a sudden. Like are you looking at her tweets and her Facebook statuses? Like who the fuck is this girl? So they just thought I was just like coming out of my shell.

But really I wasn't. I was literally losing touch with reality. And then it just got worse and worse where in my episode, I literally thought I was a rapper. And I'm a poet, but I'm not a rapper. I thought I was like Kanye. And Kanye is actually a good example because Kanye has had public manic episodes. He has the same diagnosis as I do. Wow.

Yeah. People don't talk about him having it. No, he's had that whole, he's had very. Because also, I feel like it would be so much better for everyone. instead of just calling him like a crazy lunatic or narcissistic, whatever, to raise awareness of it. But continue because, no, no, I mean, I have, we see it happen everywhere. We see, I have, we see it happening. Yeah, no, absolutely.

I have a whole, I have so many thoughts on Kanye. I feel so much for him because I'm just wondering, like, who the fuck is behind him not giving, he needs so much support, you know, anyways, I'm not going to go there. Um, so basically, once I, you know, I thought it was a rapper. I thought I was going to be on the Ellen show. I called everyone. And I was like, I'm going to be on Ellen, guys. Tune in.

I'm on Ellen. You know, crazy shit. I started writing a lot of poetry, memorizing these like soliloquies and performing them at open mics. And I started to garner some attention at open mics and on Twitter and shit. And then I finally reached psychosis after almost two months of being manic. And then. This is while you're at college.

Mm-hmm. So your parents aren't even there to be like... Well, I commuted. So I was in college a lot and I like stayed over dorming stuff during this time. My friend's dorms and stuff. But they just, nobody understood. No one had any fucking clue about what was going on. Yeah.

Until I reached psychosis where you really lose touch with reality and you're just like psychotic. And then, you know, I had to be hospitalized. And then when I... What happened in psychosis that made people realize you're like next level than just like, a caffeinated woman I'm dead because there's a thin line between stuff you're explaining versus stuff

that like more I guess neurotypical people deal with every day totally and like you're not turning into a monster it's literally just more of an extreme of emotions that we all feel yeah absolutely so basically psychosis is when I started like hearing voices literally thinking I was Oprah

like some of the shit sounds hilarious you can laugh by the way like it's I literally thought I thought I was Oprah like I it was crazy um and I was just hearing voices I thought my family was out to get me um there was a time where they were like hugging me and I in my mind I thought they were literally choking me I have to see one of my phones um and so I was just seeing things and hearing things and then you know my family basically one of my aunts would like forced me to go to the hospital with her um and then that's when I was diagnosed with bipolar one

so you hadn't had a manic episode until you were 19 wow yeah and why do you think that is that I'm so glad you asked that no one has ever asked that and I wanted to today bring that up because I deal with anxiety and depression every day and I've dealt with a lot of stuff where I'm like it could be events that's spirit spirit but I'm like I can't do life so it's like am I going to wake up in two months and maybe have a manic episode one day like I don't know I'm just speaking my innermost thoughts right now No. So in order to be diagnosed with bipolar one, you need to have at least one manic episode. So for me, now, you know, I'm 30. So I have been to a lot of therapy and have thought about this a lot. Because my manic episode was the most traumatic thing I've ever been through. That shit was crazy. And do you remember it? There's a lot that I don't remember because my mind was just on overdrive. Your mind is literally like you don't sleep. You can really survive with a very small amount of sleep. You can be you can spend excessive amounts of money.

You could have excessive amount of sex with a lot of different people. You know, you've really had these grandiose thoughts. It's a drug trip, but with like no drugs. Yeah, but it's so dangerous. It's reckless. It's dangerous. And it's really it's so hard because it's such a high that you literally. Yeah, you feel like God.

like you feel like god like no one so you would never be one to be like help because you're feeling on top of the world i'm honey i am i am god like there is nothing that can touch me that's what it is it's also funny how your external like social media celebrity like because you talked about like it's interesting how that comes into your mind too like being Oprah like you take the stuff around you and you put yourself kind i don't know it's just interesting how interesting i'm literally the things that you might just like, you then, like, become or something. So, you know, I'm Cuban, and I really thought, like, while I was fully manic, I thought that Fidel Castro was this, I had this delusion that he was a good person.

Like, I was like, he is a great person. Look at this humanitarian who's actually giving to the people. Obviously, none of this is fucking true. But he's scum. Your mind's playing tricks on. Yeah, it's crazy. But I do really believe and know deep down. my soul that I needed to have that episode because I was, yes, I was not in a good place in college.

Like, I did not go to the school I wanted to. I was not living in my truth. I was super depressed. I was not showering for weeks. I wasn't going to classes. I was not myself. And if I didn't have my manic episode, I would have never, I wouldn't be the person I am today who is living in my truth and is living, you know, my dream life for working towards. Do you think something, do you think something triggered it? Yeah, just not being real. I was not, I really wasn't advocating for myself at 19. I wanted to do so much and I settled so much because I was depressed and I didn't know

how to get out of it. You know, I had so much depression and I had. had really low self-esteem and I had no idea how to get out of it. So my mind, I had to lose my mind in order to find myself for sure. Wow. Wow. But it's funny because I just watched the 24 faces of Billy Milligan. Did you, have you watched it on Netflix? It just came out, but it's basically about this guy who like assaulted a bunch of women gets arrested and they find out he has multiple personality disorder. And they talk about how he was like severely abused as child and the only way to survive it was to create other identities to make the pain less

hard um but that's a whole other episode but it's interesting how hitting rock bottom is so fucking painful but it's so beautiful and that like you couldn't not advocate for yourself at the end of that like it was a cry for help that you didn't even do but also the hard thing is depressed with depression is I feel like it's so correlated with laziness of course of course I feel like to this day people are like okay well get off the couch go for a walk that's how you like the way to not be depressed is to not be depressed like that's not an answer yeah just do it like wash a dish and I'm like but I can't you know it's it's it's it's hard for someone who doesn't understand it on a visceral level, it's really hard to, you know, to have empathy and to sympathize with someone.

Like, for example, my fiance is the most just, he's just always even keel. Like he, he's always not always the same, but he does not suffer from depression anxiety. So part of my advocacy is really trying to make mental health literacy for all ages, something for people to understand, even if you don't go through it, even if you have never experienced or have a really hard time relating to me, I want you to understand my humanity so you can empathize with me and help somebody who you know, because we all know somebody or, you know, it's one in five. Well, it's interesting. Doesn't Halsey, didn't she get diagnosed? And then I was reading about it. I also could be making this up, but there seems to be a correlation

with like people who have won like incredible poetry awards. Yeah, I have her. Like, apparently like 50% of them like are diagnosed with bipolar disorder like like what it's something like Pulitzer prize winners like some I'm saying crazy shit but I remember thinking like oh their brains work like on a different level and in a different way and for some reason their creativity is like next level um not to compare it to like other disorders because everything's so different but i've been watching love on the spectrum oh my on Netflix which if you haven't watched you have to watch it's incredible but it shows how to watch that fucking show you have you will laugh you will cry you will get butterflies you you'll feel educated so love on the spectrum is about a bunch of people

who are on the autism spectrum and you know other stuff who are trying to find love but you realize how like they're actually so much more similar than different to neurotypicals but their brain just works differently it just works differently and that's why like bipolar disorder is interesting because I want to know from you what kind of pros do you feel like in your brain because you have a different brain yeah absolutely and how has it helped you see life in like a unique way this is a beautiful question I I definitely know that because of my illness, I've experienced some really low lows, but my creativity and my capacity for love and that high and joy is so much greater. It's helpful. It's it's so

much more intense because of my illness. So my, I have experienced like the deepest levels of gratitude and also the deepest levels of depression, right? There's dark and light to everything, but I know for a fact that I wouldn't be grateful for my highs if it weren't for my votes. And you mentioned creativity. Like for me, when I am creative, I feel like it's a superpower, right? I feel like because I understand the darkness and light, I'm able to make it poetry in a way that maybe someone who doesn't have my brain can't and that's i i feel like it's such a gift i feel

like it's such a gift um and i'm super grateful at 30 you've experienced so many things and i watch that you're now like quite educational on your instagram and obviously an advocate and educating people and i feel like speaking about light and darkness you said everything has light and darkness can you explain that a little? Yeah. So as human beings, we are capable of love and we're capable of hate. There is light and there's dark. Like that binary and that opposition is just there by our, it's our birth. Like it's since birth. Like that is what we have. And in order to embrace the light, you have to embrace the dark. And fortunately, and for so long for me, I would, when I would have depressive episodes, I would hide in the light and I wouldn't embrace it.

I wouldn't try to figure out why I was feeling that way. I would just hide. I would literally hide. And it wasn't until I realized that I have to embrace the darkness and wait for the darkness to pass in the best way possible, right, in the most skillful way possible until I realized like, wow, now I can embrace the light, because the light is always there. It's always around the corner, but you have to embrace the dark parts of you. You absolutely have to. So when you hit a depressive episode, I don't want to ask, like, what's the best way to be depressed?

Like, what is your go-to, like, way of being depressed that has worked in the past? Like, how do you navigate it? Okay. I was like, what's my go-to way? Well, I'm the pants in a lot of Hagenzahs, I don't know. No. So for me, it's the first step. I know this sounds cheesy and everybody says it, but acceptance. You have to accept what state you're in. If you try to fight it, if you try to, you know, be a superhero and you're like,

it's just accept where you are first. For me, a big thing that really, really helps is writing it down in order to clear my mind. And when I'm depressed, I have a lot of racing thoughts. So I write down my thoughts and it clears. It's literally getting everything down on paper. So it leaves my body at least. It leaves my mind. So I have a tangible piece of paper that has my thoughts where I can look at them

and observe them. Then I reach out for support. My mom, my sister, my fiancé, my dogs, like anyone that can be there for me. And that even can mean social media. You know, so many people, if you don't have the support system, like online, there are so many resources and people that you can reach out to that are there to help you and happy to help you. So after that, you know, I really try to do small things, like small things, even if it's just brushing my teeth and brushing my hair or washing my face and I celebrate that small thing. for some people you know those things come very easy you know it's like I'm just doing things like brushing your teeth brushing your hair all of that it's just like

that's nothing but when you're in a depressive episode that's a major accomplishment so celebrate that and do do whatever that's whatever celebration is to you do that and one thing I always say is like if you're depressed on a random Tuesday last month month. And then you get to press three months, four months down the line. Like, whatever worked for you that those months ago might not work for you now. So you have to be able to be malleable. And if something doesn't work, you've got to keep trying. You have to try another thing. You got to try another thing. Because like I said, the light is around the corner. And it's going to come. It's going to be there. You just have to find it. You have to literally crawl your way and

and get there no matter how how you do it that is so great i have like um a sports related quote that i like to say which is even when it's raining the hoop is always there so it's like you're on the basketball court it feels like it's horrible but like there actually is a hoop you just can't see it and there is a way to score and i do feel like a lot of depression is like you lose hope whether it's like a bunch of horrible things happen in a row or you're just your body just and mind is like we're not doing it right now and you it's hard to see the light but yeah just even if you can't see it knowing like it will be there and that it is temporary but i want to go back to after your first psychosis you get hospitalized what the fuck was that like well to be honest there's a lot

i don't remember so part of mania um when you have manic episodes there's a lot that you can forget. So just because your brain is just on overdrive, as I said. I remember being in Newark, New Jersey, asking the doctor, like, where the fuck am? And he's like, you're in Newark. I'm like, great. And I asked him for a piece of paper. And I just start in a marker and he gave me a Sharpie marker and I just started writing shit down. I have no idea what I wrote down. I remember my uncle getting there and him seeing me and falling to the floor hysterical crying, which was really hard for me. Then I remember getting home to my parents' house. And after that, I didn't speak for three days. Like, I just fell mute. And I just couldn't talk. And in those three days,

I made a promise to myself. I said, I vow to never write poetry again. and never talk about my illness or mental health to anybody. Oh, my God. Yeah. And I kept that promise for eight years, almost eight years. So when you were in the hospital, what did they give you or what did they treat you? They diagnosed me a bipolar one. They gave me meds. They sent me home and I, you know, I took the medicine at home and then eventually I had to see a psychiatrist. It was really hard for my family to find a psychiatrist because a lot of people weren't taking, you know, new people.

They were trying to find someone who spoke Spanish and, like, understood, you know, our culture and, you know, that are, you know, yeah, our culture and just the language. It's really hard to find someone. It took a long time to find the right doctor for me. That was a good fit. So that was really a struggle. It's also hard when you see, like, family so upset with what, happened when like I know it's corny but like it's not your fault no yeah it's not corny it was not

my fault like but it looks like like people are mad at you almost or like disappointed in you like as if you decided to do something horrible yeah it was when it's like you just needed people supporting yeah it's crazy like we've we've been through so much like our house burned down when I was in high school and you know we've been through we've been through some shit and my to this day my parents are like our house burning down like that was nothing like you having your makeup so it was the worst like the most traumatic thing you know so even hearing that like they say it was love of course yes but it's it's because i mean you're more important than a house exactly right um but even knowing that like i i just always feel like a burden and like to everyone listening

you know whether you have a mental illness or not or struggle with your mental health like it is a common theme and people tell me this a lot online like i feel like i feel like like a burden. It's like a burden on my, you know, husband or my kids or my family. And it's so hard to get out of that burden mentality because the truth is, you know, everybody has something. Everybody, everybody goes through something, whether it's mental health issues or not. And the people that love you and the people that are there to support you, that's their job. You know, like my, I would always think, like, oh, man, I don't want to bother my mom because she's busy and at work and all this stuff but you know that's my mom's job my mom's job is to be there for me

and you know when I'm struggling um and of course I would do the same for her and but it's hard when you're in an episode to have that mentality and not feel like a burden oh yeah so did you feel like the poetry was like connected to the illness and that's why you were didn't want to do it anymore? Yeah, I just, I felt like if for me, I was so traumatized by the poetry and performing it that I felt like if I ever wrote a poem again, I would instantly have a manic episode and ruin. Oh, so because you were manic while doing it, even though you were crushing it or in your head crushing it or social media was like loving it, you didn't want to be connected in any way, shape, or form to who that girl was. Yeah, no.

I mean, it took me eight years to come out of my bipolar closet, which is what I call it, which is what I called it online. Oh, wow. Yeah. And it was just like the elephant in the room, Hannah, like everywhere I went, I feel like I had a sign on my forehead that said, I had a manic episode and I'm diagnosed as I phil or one in depression and anxiety. And like I just felt like it was everywhere because it was. Did your people at the school remember kind of thing? Like, did you feel like?

Well, I never went back to school, but I was still friends with it. a lot of people and people emailed me. It was so, I was so embarrassed because I sent so many people emails. I sent so many people, you know, DMs and, you know, messages on Facebook who were then like, hey, are you okay? And I was just, oh, so during the manic episode, you were just hitting people up. Did, so once you were out of it, well, how long did it take for you to get out of the episode? Like, I can't imagine you just take a pill and you're good. No, no, no. So it took about a week of a lot of sleep. After three days, I started to speak again. And, yeah, it took probably a week of the medicine and maybe two weeks for it to like really be in my system. But a week for me to feel like stable, you know, still felt a little robotic and like not myself. But after two weeks, I was like, okay, I guess I feel like a human again. did you look at social media or look at messages and have to do like um fix up work

clean it up a little bit yeah as much as i could handle because some of it was just too traumatic and then i deleted all of the apps for a very long time because i think about like Kanye like when Kanye gets out of it yeah what that is like because he has millions and millions and millions of people seeing like whatever he randomly wanted to write when he was being yeah it's crazy um and i still to this day won't have i don't know i mean i don't think it's really connected anymore but i don't have twitter anymore and i won't i just i don't want to and maybe it's connected maybe it's not but um instagram has been it's interesting you have spoke about how social media and the internet has helped people support you and be there for you

and find people to help you. But then I also intrinsically feel like social media is so fucking bad for our mental health. So it's this like, I mean, it goes back to the dark and light concept of like there's so much greatness that can come from social media. But lately I'm like, we are not talking enough about how like we know it's toxic, especially for women. And that's like how the app got popular. But we like are all lying to ourselves. That is. It's, it's, it's, It's good. I mean, I go on social media breaks a lot. I try not to check, you know, social media the first hour that I'm up because if not, I'm, like, on the toilet and I'm like.

Sucked you in. Yeah, no, it's crazy. But I've definitely unfollowed accounts that I make me feel like shit. You know, I've unfollowed, um, certain accounts where it's like, I just, I don't feel happy. I don't feel like I'm getting any value from it and it's detrimental to my mental health. Yeah, you know, social media has a way of sucking you in where you really feel like you have to brag or you have to portray this person or this lifestyle. And for me, like, I just try to be as authentically me and vulnerable as possible because the goal is to help people like me and people that aren't like me to.

And so whenever I feel like I'm not doing that, I'm like, okay, we need to take a break. You're not in line with like your authenticity. Have you had a manic episode since? Yes, I've had two, but they were nothing, nothing tops my first one. You're like, I can't beat the first time. Yeah, no, nothing tops the first one. But the other two were pretty small. Like they, you know, luckily because I was able to.

to educate my friends and family, they were able to see the signs and symptoms and were able to catch it where it didn't get as intense as my first. So I'm lucky. How has it affected your dating life? Okay. So I met my fiance when I was 21 about to turn 22. Oh my God, baby. I know, right? But, you know, even though like, yeah, 19, even 20 and I met him right when I was about to turn 22 I just remember like I said like I was always it just always felt like the elephant in the room I always felt like I had to talk like it's almost like you have kids you know like someone that is date well my and my fiancee has two kids so when we um you know first started dating actually he told me like two weeks into the dating

I almost go that's a whole not this story and my family lost their shit because we're Latino And they're like, you can't be with someone that has kids. What the fuck is wrong with you? Anyway. But every, you know, it's a happy ending. We're engaged. But so it is, it is like having kids. It's like, you know, you want to tell them about this because it's such a major part of you.

And you know what? Like, I've even gotten DMs before where people have been, like, guys have been like, wow, like, you're so beautiful. But like, how do you, how would anybody deal with you? because you have bipolar or whatever yeah things like that i know it's a i'd be like bitch is never boring it is always you never know there is always something to talk about or worry about um no well i've i wanted to ask you this because i've had a lot people on the pod like i have i had a girl who has herpes the like i think it was like yeah it was just a crazy story of

the interaction of how she got it it was super unlucky and then now she has to deal with dating with herpes and you know I have someone else who has trictotillomania I think I pronounce that wrong but these are all things that like like it's like the pulling of hair with anxiety and and then even me like I was a tennis player and I like suffered from really bad performance anxiety like if you look on paper you'd be like this girl was an incredible tennis player but in my head I was like this was my downfall and whenever I date someone I'd be like when am I going to tell them that's exactly my performance anxiety with tennis which compared to what you're talking about it seems so stupid but I basically want to be like I just want you know my brain has some kinks in the armor when am I

going to let him know I'm bad shit like that that's that's really what it is no and it's very serious like but there's so much stigma especially you know I found with men who don't and you know Latino men are stupid it's okay yeah okay um No, but men historically have to be strong. And with that, like, especially machismo things, you're not talking about your emotions. You're not talking about mental health. So you are not going to know as much about it stereotypically. Of course.

And societally, men are, they don't, you know, we're not expecting men to talk about mental health and be vulnerable with us. So for me, I found that even my friends that are like, damn, yo, like, how do you, how do you open up about this? or, you know, men say, they just ask questions that for me, they're like, well, okay, so how are you going to be in three days? Or, you know, just really weird questions that are so stigmatized that for me, you know, in the beginning, it used to infuriate me, but now I take it as an opportunity to educate, you know, and yeah, it's rough because it does feel like, again, I must say a 17th time, the elephant in the room. But once you, you. own and are educated and advocate for yourself, the people who love you and are meant to be

in your life are going to stay. So with this relationship, have you had to battle your own feelings of feeling like a burden ever? Yeah, with on Cardanos, of course. I've, especially because I'm a stepmom too. I met the boys when they were just turned three and before. And I felt, and I was young, Hannah, I was, I was young. And you were still like yourself. Yeah. And I really felt like I had to be perfect and I had to not be sick. I always remember thinking, damn, if I only, I wasn't sick. If only I didn't have this illness, then I would, everything would be perfect. If only, if only. And it just made me feel like shit all the time. It lowered my self-esteem on such a deep level.

And when you begin to embrace who you are just the way you are, I know this sounds like cheesy. And like I just hear like sound like, you know, like a violin in the background. Spiritual gangster. Yeah, right. But it's really true. Like I really had to just just accept what I have and use it, use it in the way that works for me in order to really thrive in my relationship, in order to really

thrive as a stepmom. And it's crazy because I just told J.D. and Kyle that I had, you know, depression and anxiety last week. I just told them. Why? Because, well, I'm in a commercial that's airing about bipolar one and, you know, depression and anxiety. It's supposed to be airing next month and I was, I've been sweating because, you know, they, they watch TV and, you know, I've just been sweating thinking this, now I have to tell them. It's, you know, now they're 10 and 12 and they're old enough to understand what it is. But, you know, I have the conversation with them and it went really well, honestly. But it was scary because, you know, I mean, I know that they love me and they're not going to judge me, but of course they're going to judge me

a little, like a little bit. They're not going to judge me wholeheartedly, but well, it's also they can judge, but also when you're educating them about it, it's more like they just know more about you. It's funny you called it like coming out of the closet. Like I remember when my uncle came out of the closet to me and I remember just thinking like, oh my God, he told me a secret. Like I just felt like he loves me a lot because he told me this like, part of him that like not everyone knows and I remember that's how I walked away from it being like I know more about Uncle Johnny than other people oh that's so fucking cute though but how did the boys respond like did they say anything interesting or surprising yeah they were just like oh okay

um and then I said to them I said I got emotional and then Kyle got emotional the 10 year olds I was like listen I just want to let you know that you guys have brought so much joy into my life that when I'm depressed, you know, you, you can literally make it go away, and that's a miracle. And Kyle got emotional, and he was like, thank you day. Oh, well, you also were telling them, like, hey, this is a part of like a, I mean, it's not just adult life, unfortunately, but life that you guys didn't even know that you are helping your stepmom with. For people who suffer, not to speak for everyone, but you have this experience, for people who suffer with anxiety and depression who are scared of having kids that they like won't be a good

mom do you have any words of your own wisdom oh yeah so i struggled with feeling like i was enough for the boys and enough for my fiance for years because i felt like my diagnosis made me different and made me difficult when in reality on the days where I was depressed and I truly felt like I couldn't get out of bed. I had to remind myself and again, this does not happen overnight. This takes a lot of practice and figuring out what works for you. But what works for me now especially is remembering my reasons for living, literally. What are my reasons for living? Who are my reasons for living?

And who's my love and their love is something that literally keeps them alive. Like my love for the boys and my love for my fiance keeps them alive, right? And their love for me keeps me alive. So when you're in a. dark place if you want to like write it down have it so it has to be somewhere near you because sometimes you're so blinded by the darkness that even you can't even get at a bed so if it needs to be right next to your you know on your nightstand your reasons for living right it's that serious and just remembering that and literally breathing that in for me you know taking that breath and

like reminding myself like this is what's keeping me alive right now a lot like nine times at 10 times out of 10 you know especially now um in this stage of my life it gets me out of bed and I'm able to you know pick out their clothes on the morning and make them a breakfast because I know that they rely on me and that their love feeds me and feeds my soul yeah yeah um and no matter what like you kids love you despite everything you know Like when I told J.D. and Kyle that I had depression and anxiety and what I went through when I was there aging school, they didn't love me less. They weren't like, they were, they took it and they accepted it and they loved on me. And they're not. They still loved me. They probably feel special that you told them something so like intimate and different than like your average. Good morning. How are you? Because they don't have like the stigmas in their head yet. that society is put on you. But can you inform me about the relationship between anxiety, depression, and bipolar?

Like, can people have bipolar and not anxiety and depression? Or is anxiety and depression throughout? And then occasionally, you feel the effects of bipolar? No, so there's something called core morbidity, which means there are different mental illness is present. so someone can have bipolar and like borderline personality disorder. So for me, I have bipolar one and then depression and anxiety are different or separate. For me, it's mainly like social anxiety and a lot of like rumination in terms of my anxiety,

but it's not really, it's not like it's all one diagnosis. someone can just have but they probably feed off each other at times yeah they are feeding having meals together like they're feasting yeah yeah totally they're having tea parties because yeah people will say like too much anxiety can eventually cause depression and then you could be depressed about your anxiety and have anxiety about your depression and it plays off when you when you find yourself like ruminating and stuff. Do you feel like it's just, oh, I have to learn how to not ruminate? Or are you kind of like, this is, this is part of me. This is who I am. And I have to just like use my tools. I mean, yeah, I definitely answer choice beat. I definitely need to accept what I

accept what I'm experiencing. Instead of trying to expel it, I accept it. And I use the skills that I've learned in therapy and in group therapy. And I find that the most helpful thing that's helped me is using the skills I've learned in group therapy outside of when I'm feeling bad. So even when I am doing really well and I'm grateful, like I'm mindful, like I'm mindful and I'm using the skills so that when I'm not doing so well, they don't, it's not as difficult because they do them in my everyday life. Oh, that is so. I mean, this is like toxic diet culture, for example. It's like you treat your body like shit and then once you

realize you don't like your body, you like do something really intense to like try to lose weight. And like that's just not sustainable. And what you're doing is just finding like a healthy pattern of existing that it's, it's true that when things start going downhill, you're not suddenly like, okay, emergency, what do we do? Your brain has already like been training for this and kind of knows how to help. Yeah, I mean, it took a lot of years to to be able to be, you know, strong and weak enough to accept that that's the life that I need to live. And you know, I really encourage it, whether you have a mental illness or not, you should be practicing mindfulness. You should be practicing gratitude. You should be learning skills that make you

a better person and able to cope with life stressors every day. So that when it's like, you know, sirens and it's like, if this is not a drill, this is not a drill, shit's about to go down. You're able to have the clarity and the skills to work on whatever you're going through. Yep. Have you ever had times that you've not wanted to take your meds? What? Of course. Absolutely. Especially, okay, so it's very common for people with bipolar disorder to when you're taking your medicines and you're feeling really good and you're on a good streak to be like, I don't need my mitts. I'm doing really well, you know? And I've actually heard about this before. Yeah, and you stop taking your meds. And then it's like, oh, I'm feeling manic. And then

you're just like, and then you, you know, you can have an episode or whatever. And then it's like, start at rock bottom then again. And that sucks. I can tell you that I've been there and it sucks because it is exhausting. It's exhausting to your support system and it's really hard to bounce back. You know, you go from doing super well to then, you know, it's just, it's two extremes. And bipolar disorder is literally characterized by extremes like highs and lows. Yeah.

And your medicine keeps you at baseline. Yeah, medicine is hard for a lot of people. Have you made other friends who are bipolar? Yeah. Or who have bipolar disorder? Yeah, because of social media for sure. And everyone in my group therapy. Well, it's interesting that you've been saying group therapy.

That sounds awesome because I'm doing one-on-one therapy right now. And I feel like group therapy seems scary. But I guess if you're all pretty open about like a certain thing that you're struggling with you can actually feel so much more or less alone in it yeah no um so i love my individual therapist she's great well i do dbt therapy which is dialectical behavioral therapy i have found it to be the best because like i said you're learning skills that i think everyone should use um and it's so hands-on like you were learning skills for so many things, relationships, interpersonal relationships, mindfulness.

How does it differentiate from like CBT? Yeah, CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy, which is more like talk. It's talk therapy that you're basically being asked questions to kind of find the answers on your own. Like they probe questions for you to answer, for you to figure out the answers on your own. Yes. That didn't work too well. for me because I was like can you just tell me like you know also like as someone with anxiety

I'm like I've already spoken all these scenarios in my head 100 times like I have overthought all of this already yeah totally um it I mean it does what it's helped many people but just for me personally CBT is not it so so DBT what does it look like like you're still talking to someone one and one yeah so but they're like there's a individual therapy and then you have to do group therapy as well as part of the DBT. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So I really, group scared me a lot at first because it's just social anxiety.

Yeah, you just feel vulnerable and you're like, oh, my God, what? Like, we're all fucked up and we all got to talk about it. Like it was just, it was so uncomfortable. But, you know, the, right now there's so many awesome people in my group and they are so vocal. about what is it in person no right now it's virtual hopefully we'll do in person soon it's so much more powerful in person as you know um just in general but um i i love the fact that i have folks that keep me accountable that hold me accountable right and every week we're growing together and we all have the same goal wow it is it's similar to aA in a way

I was joking with my friend the other day how like working out with a friend is so much better because it's like I won't always show up for myself but like I need to show up for my friend because then I'm a bad friend and then you think they're mad at you and you can't deal with that no no no I always feel guilty I feel guilty as fuck too so I'll use my like people pleasing anxiety

to like make myself better but DBT one-on-one how is that different than CBT? They give you more. So you learn the skills in group. And in individual, you talk about how you applied those skills in your individual life. And you go way more in depth about, you know, how you use the skills and everything like that. And what you could be struggling with or what you'd like to reinforce all of that stuff.

Yeah, like today I had a therapy session with my therapist. we were just talking about how I want to implement diet like just how to you know diet and shit that I want to do with cooking and all this stuff because it's super overwhelming but that's something that I wouldn't talk about in group I would just talk I would just learn the skills and then she told me to say like okay this is what you need to implement this is how we're going to do it and it's just way more specific wow this is this is really interesting for people who if you want to try CBT DBT I feel like we were like oh get therapy but no one specifies a so many variables of if the therapist is right for you the kind of

therapy is right for you and you really have to find out what's right for you in such a vulnerable situation i always say when people ask me about how to find the right therapist like it really really is like dating you know it's so uncomfortable at first you know you feel awkward you have to share shit you don't want to share you know um but i will say you know after so many years of being in therapy, interview your therapist too. You know, really advocate for yourself and ask questions of how they do shit and what you specifically need in your journey right now. You need to be mad specific. You need to advocate for yourself and push through that awkwardness to find out sooner if that therapist is good for you or not. Because it's hard to get

out of a relationship with a therapist once you're in, I feel like. Because then they're like oh why don't you want to do it anymore and they think it's like you trying to it's actually really hard to break up with it there and I love my therapist she's the best shout out why can't say her anything like that yeah I'm so crazy um but she no she's the best but um recently I've been just doing really well and our therapy sessions for the past few months have just been me like I'm doing great you know like this is what I'm doing this wrong doing and so I had um a few weeks ago a session with her where I was like I don't think we need to see each other every week, you know, and she's like, yeah, you know, I figured, but I had such a heart

attack having that conversation with her because I feel so indebted to her, you know? But it's, it's not uncommon for people, you know, with mental illness or not. You're doing well. Okay, you don't have to see this person every week. It's even every other week or just check in or whatever. It's just really about being vulnerable, advocating for yourself and communicating for yourself in a way that is real so this person can really help you and if they're not the right one and investing in yourself investing in yourself for me like I'm I can be a cheap ass and I was like oh my god there and therapy is so expensive but I tried to literally think about it like okay you'll pay a trainer so why can't you pay a therapist or you'll pay for a fancy dinner with your friends

take one of those out and go with your therapist so it's about really like prioritizing where you're investing in yourself? Absolutely. If you're not, I mean, it's going to catch up to you. Like, it caught up to me. That's why I know I had a manic episode because I wasn't taking care of myself and I wasn't being the real me. So if you, you know, I don't want to scare anybody, but eventually, you know, when you don't invest in your mental health, your mental health is going to knock on the door and be like, we need help, help us. It's just going to happen. they will tell you some form whether it's your physical breaking down your mental breaking down your relationships breaking down it will happen um dailene you are killing the game this is so insightful

it's so educational i could talk to you forever because i feel like we're even just scratching the surface but we need to play the seven deadly sins are you ready yes i'm so excited i have no idea what the fuck are we about to do but i'm ready we are getting deeper and darker in hell um what are you greedy about i was just going to say sex yeah sex it's if you know me i do dildo ads all over my instagram and i'm very pro like women talking about enjoying sex or figuring out how to enjoy sex and shit like that. When did you realize you were greedy with sex?

When my fiancé was like, you're like, oh gosh, I don't know how to translate this in English, but like you're a sluicea. Like you're like a gluttonist. He said it in Spanish. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I am. And you found someone who has that sexual chemistry with you to like give you what you want.

Oh, yeah, of course. Thank the Lord. Did you find before him you were as open with sex? No, definitely not. I was enough. So he understands you. Yeah, no, totally, totally. But yeah, I can be very gluttonous and I'm like, no, more, more, more.

Like, I'm just like. How do you keep it spicy after nine years? Have you had lulls and, like, amount of sex you're having? Of course. We have really, really good sexual chemistry, think on. And, like, you know, we're pretty open, like, the way we communicate. But, like, even yesterday, I was like, baby, you need to talk more. Like, you haven't talked in a really long time.

Like, you know, and he's like, And I'm like, I know you're not that much, you know, of a talker or whatever, but like, it really turns me on when you talk. So we're, you know, now I'm definitely more, you know, communicating with him with things that I want. But yeah, you know, I would just say, just be fucking honest and free yourself because that's the best way to have, you know, the best orgasms when you're super open and honest. And your brain is like not in a billion different places. just you're being authentic and you're just feeling free it's funny because i feel like with guys you can get insecure that if you ask them to do something it means like they're not doing well or

something or like you're not enjoying it so it's like finding a way to say it in a very like look you know it would be better like you know i love this but you know what i was thinking and like yeah there's a way of going about it to not like hurt each other's feelings because it is such an intimate like vulnerable thing that you're kind of judging yeah yeah no for sure and guys you know you can be sensitive and it's like am i not doing girl like what is it's like no like hello i'm what is hug no it's also like you have you've been having sex for nine years and like there's so many different ways to enjoy it and you want to grow and evolve oh okay who are you who are you envious of oh my envious of you know what

there is a woman who there's this bitch who I have no idea what her name is I have no idea where she lives but she lives in my neighborhood and when I tell you Hannah this woman runs every day by my house and I always catch her I always for some reason I'm getting the male or in my car I'm just like walking my dogs I always catch this woman she is running with the biggest smile on her face and she is loving i mean spring was she listening to a comedy podcast summer i don't know but she's so happy to be running and she's just radiating this joy and i fucking hate running i tried it this summer anyways there's a long story but i envy this bitch like i envy her because i want to be that happy when i'm running it's funny because people talk about envy like they want

they wish they're as famous as someone or as rich as someone or as popular or someone but i've always been in that mode too where I'm like oh that person looks comfortable in their body or like oh that person is having so much fun with the littlest things going on no no she's like the simplest she's the happiest person on my block like she or whatever she's so happy and I just wish I wish I had that joy while it's running or just in general she's so happy as another person who suffers from depression it's funny because I'll be at like a friend's place and they will get like so excited to explain to me like a pillow they just bought and I'm like if I could ever get that excited over something so simple or like they love like the little things like

pouring a cup of tea and like but that's stuff that I want to get better at is like enjoying the little things and not just like the big highs on lows um besides sex what do you glutness about like what do you over indulge in what I over indulge in I have um a hard time with binge eating or I've had a history with binge eating um that if I'm not being mindful enough and if I'm in a place where I'm stressed I will overindulge in like just sweets and I use and sometimes or most of the time I should say it's like sweets and then salty and then salty and then salty and then sweet and and salty and I will overindulge in that for like a straight hour and then afterwards I'm like I've been working on a TikTok actually where it's like

You finish something salty and you're like, I just need something sweet. And then you're like, I just need something salty. And then you're in a full on like spiral. Um, it's, I want to know, though, when it comes to your self care, because I feel like you've done a lot of work on this and like loving yourself and having self care, what's your favorite form of self care to make yourself feel good when you like want to spoil yourself? Oh, definitely dancing.

Being at home, whether I'm home alone or not, just closing, you know, closing the door. and being either naked or just in my underwear and putting on a song that I'm just vibing with and I just play it loud as fuck and I just dance and I'm free and I just nothing matters in that moment except for my joy and my body moving to whatever way it wants to move like that shit I live for that and if anybody listening like just if you try that I promise you you will feel even the slightest bit better I feel like growing up, like, we learn all these things that are so not important to our happiness. And then once our happiness is, like, really bad, then we just have to try to unlearn all those stupid things that we've been just about the world and then go back to just being little and dancing.

No, it really. Like, little kids dancing is the cutest, most fun, sweet, authentic thing. Like, they put the music on. They just start vibing. And they don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks. they don't care about who's watching them like that when you tap into that like that is so real because we're all just big kids yes i mean one thing i've learned about anxiety is i love like problem solving and to a lot of things that happen to you there actually isn't like an answer to the problem

or there isn't a reason that or there isn't something you missed or could have done differently but you could do that shit all year trying to figure that out and i'm recently realizing it's about just like oh you don't have to figure out this problem you just have to like play tennis because you love to play tennis you know what i mean or like you have to just go dancing and it's not about why did your boss say this and why did they do that and why did you lose that um sometimes it's just like feeding your inner kid yeah man that doesn't give a fuck about the complications when was last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger do you have an angry side oh yeah totally oh yeah you have a fiery yeah no i definitely i definitely have an angry side um i think the first the last one

that's coming up or the first thing that's coming into my mind right now is when this is so fucking ridiculous but it's when kyle um asked for like i made this dinner and it was just it's thin steak right um and he asked for like a filet mignon like he asked for like a filet mignon like he asked for like a thicker steak and he was just really spoiled about it and I just got so fucking angry because I made this dinner with so much love and it took me a lot of time and like he was just like I just want a thick steak like a big filet mignon like a thick steak that's like medium rare and I'm like you're 10 shut the fuck up and eat what the hell I just made for you you know I got so angry um yeah I got really mad well that's also like being 10 you don't realize what goes into this

thing appearing on your plane. Oh, yeah. And then he was like, next time you make this, can you have more salt? And I was like, right after, you know, I was like, babe, like, I need this for you, like, you know, I won't do you or whatever. And then he said that. And then it was just like, explosion. I just had to go.

I'd be like, hey, Kyle, you're going to learn how to cook your own fucking steak. And you can make that for the family with as much salt as you want tomorrow, okay? And you can find the money for groceries. Anyway. Thanks, bitch. Okay. When was the last time you were a sloth? So like, lazy, lazy didn't do anything. Oh my God. Slots are my favorite animal. I literally, I have a framed picture of a sloth in my office. Have you ever seen a sloth in real life? Oh my God. I cannot wait to meet to me one. I'm going to lose it. Because they're just so cute and just, they just, they're so cute.

Anyways, what was the last time I was mad lazy? Oh, oh, of course. Last weekend, when I did Trumies with my fiancé and we didn't do jack shit besides eat, watch the Matrix, have sex, and just talk. We just did nothing. We did nothing all day. It was beautiful. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah.

I love that. I love it so much. I love being lazy. When was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something? This is a toughie. Probably when I had to apologize to my sister for saying something pretty uncool. and it took me it took me like a whole

yeah pretty much the whole night to apologize to her because I was like replaying in my mind what I should say because I wanted to seem right you know what I mean and I wanted to sound good and just make my point

so instead of apologizing like right away as I should have I waited the whole night you know and it actually gets harder to apologize the longer you wait because then it becomes more of a thing we're like if you immediately do it, then, like, no one remembers it a second after.

And then when I went to, I was like, hey, can I, um, it was just like, it's so annoying because I'm like, it had, can I grab you for a second? Yeah. You know, I'm like, just want to say that, like, it's just, it's so drawn out. You're totally right. Yeah. But, you know, it's a lot of the times I've learned when we have an argument, it's really not about being right or wrong.

It's just, if your goal is to maintain a relationship with someone, then figure it the fuck out and do whatever it takes to maintain that relationship because being right or wrong isn't what's going to i've been actually talking about this a lot because now i'm in like a long-term relationship and i was talking to this this last episode was this um therapist named john kim called the angry therapist and his whole thing is he's hilarious and he was just like but how relationships are not supposed to be easy like it's about being good at fighting so i want to know do you have good fighting chemistry with your fiance. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We get them a home sound. Yeah, of course. The thing is with us is, you know, we have learned how to take a break in an argument. We have learned how to just take a step back and be like, hold up. You're on Candela, I'm on Candela. We're both on fire. This is not probably the best time for us.

let's revisit this in an hour and we'll literally make an appointment and you know that's really mature and then you know we go back and we're and we it's so fucking cheesy but we do that I feel I felt but as cheesy or whatever the fuck that sounds it really works to have you done therapy together have you told him from what you've learned okay I was thinking about this recently therapy for individuals has been normalized but I feel like couples therapy is not normalized yet I feel like people are like oh you're in couples therapy you're in trouble but I realize like I don't really know a lot about relationships like the more I'm in this like real ass relationship I'm like oh my god I've never been this vulnerable or in love with a person ever and I'm dealing with things that like I've never

been scared to lose someone like the way I used to fight was like oh you disagree go fuck yourself I don't care go walk away i'm done do you want to be done we don't need like that's how i fight which is not a way to fight no like you can't fight like that because i just thought i was like okay well i know how to win and me winning is me emotionally just cutting off from this yeah i mean when you understand with your partner the foundation of your relationship and what your goal is you need to make it your highest priority that no matter what argument, no matter what obstacle, nothing, you guys are unstoppable, like nothing can fuck with your relationship. And when it is mutual, you, because you're not going to agree on everything. You're going to fight. Like, that's fucking normal. But

the only way to win and to be in a happy relationship is to both have that mutuality of this is the foundation. And that's agreed upon. And whenever we are, argue there are no there has to be rules like there's no this there's no that there's no that and if we cross that then there's major consequences because you can't go back or actually michael rapaport was on the pod because he's like had a long marriage and he was like no below the belt yes like that's our rule because once you go below the belt all is like disrespected and yeah i'm like i i hate if a man ever calls me a bitch i hate if like name call like I do not I do not tolerate that because once that shit happens it's like who then who the

fuck am I to you like I feel like you lose your respect because even though you're fighting about something doesn't mean you start just treating someone like shit and it's so hard to bounce back from that oh you how do you go from a guy calling you a bitch to them feeling safe with him and maybe it's my own past or something but that's my boundaries with stuff um the name calling doesn't have to be a thing and you're right once you in the heat of the moment go too far you can't take it away but if you go into something remembering that you guys are actually on the same team you're not trying to beat each other you both have the same goal which is a relationship being happy and successful um so yeah i want to normalize couples therapy of like make your relationship

work even better and be happier with each other i mean it was so hard in the beginning because you know when Carlos is Cuban and he's 10 years older than I am so you know does is 15 yeah oh okay so the stigma and the generational shit goes even further down you know so it's like oh my god what is everyone going to think blah blah blah and we had this amazing or had this amazing couples there was amazing who really like made us really value and and understand one another and kind of pick what it is that is non-negotiable, why it is that I do this, you know, why it is that he does that. And when you truly understand another human being and their upbringing and why they are

the way they are and you love them for that and you're able to help them and take care of them, because most of the times like when we had arguments, it was like, holy shit, we both feel so unsafe right now. So our goal is when we're having this heated argument is I'm trying to protect myself and you're trying to protect yourself. But what if we try to make each other feel safe and have this argument or have this conversation, you know? I'm supposed to read a book called Nonviolent Communication.

It was like recommended from a therapist actually. Just about like healthy fighting. And because my thing is I actually just don't fight because I'm so scared of fighting. so I just will not but then I keep it inside and then like you don't know what you do with that and I do think that well what I've learned is it's just the it's one person who has their issues seeing if their issues are compatible with your issues from your past and if you're not working on your own issues like you're just projecting it onto each other and if you're not comprehending like how they're projecting and that kind of anyway long story short it can only help to understand

your person's demons to realize like it's not always personal of course Of course. Of course. I mean, listen, I will always advocate for therapy all day, every day just because no matter what, like, what a gift it is to gift ourselves the gift of learning why we are the way we are and how we can be a better person. That is a fucking gift. And to me, it's like, what is more important than that? how how better to walk on this planet and serve others by understanding ourselves first yes oh my god okay final question of the game besides your fiance boy toy who we love when was the last time you lusted over someone like do you have a celebrity crush or anything honestly my this is going to be a woman and I'm not like gay or by or anything but I you're like I'm not attracted to

women but I would yeah no no no I um Halsey that photo shoot with her like and she was like pregnant so that's weird but like you see her full ass fucking baby stomach or whatever pregnant as belly but her tits look so good that photo shoot and her short hair like I just I loved her short hair she's gorgeous like and she has her like freckles nah fuck that like she's beautiful like I was like am I are we and I was reading her poetry book she has a a poetry book and I was reading at the same time and so I was like I'm sexually attracted to you that's it's so funny I brought her up too like she she's been a real advocate for bipolar disorder I feel like totally um oh my god wrapping this up four hours later we knew this was going to happen we were just

procrastinating because we knew once we started we never stop this is a general question but I want to know at the end of the day the little devil's probably learned so much from you but any final wisdom on what you do to cope with your hell and what you recommend people to do when they're going through it when they're in that dark place yeah so there is a quote that I live by and I didn't write this quote, I don't know who wrote it, but it feels like when I say it to myself that I wrote it. It's, you were assigned this mountain to show others, it can be moved. It's the ultimate reason and my purpose in life, no matter what I do, whether it's acting, you know, and sustaining poetry, like, that's my purpose. I have, that quote is the ultimate reminder that

like as long as I'm alive and breathing, I'm a blessing. And even if it means like all I did was a few things that day because I was struggling, like I'm still a blessing. I'm still a blessing to myself and to other people. And yeah, that quote is everything. You are assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved, you know? I really felt that because I'm guilty of this like, but I feel like I deserve that or like, why? did this happen to me and it's like i also it's kind of annoying because people will be like oh well you're strong so that happened and it's like oh i know that but i do i know i'm not saying words right now but i feel like you know what i'm trying to say and i there is like a jewish proverb i think

that's like don't ask for smaller burdens ask for broader shoulders which means like you don't want to live this someone also had a quote about like life i love the hard parts of life like that's what makes life interesting. That's what makes it like this beautiful story. I also love the struggles to be like, oh, I can't wait in five years to be talking about this on a podcast of how I overcome whatever. But I do think overall, like your journey and your gift and now you speaking on it, it took a person like you who has the bravery and the like performativity and the creativity to like express it in a way that people can comprehend it and that's really special and you also saying like you're um you're not basing your worth based on like how much you got

done that day it like goes back to what you said like base your worth on how much love you have inside you like there are times where or have been times for sure that i have felt so low but i would do the smallest thing like helping you know my neighbor with their male or something like something so small calling my grandmother for three minutes and I know I made her day and that cost me nothing and was with such little effort you know and instantly I feel better like there is no there has never been a time where I've been so low where I've helped someone or made someone feel special or better or happy in some small way that it didn't uplift me the tiniest bit I mean we might just figure some shit out because I do feel as someone dealing with

suppression and stuff. It's like if you can't do the dishes, like you can like express love though. Like I feel like I never lose that amount of love inside me. It's just sometimes you can't love yourself at times. But you don't you don't have to love yourself to love others. My fiance came into my life when I hated myself deeply. You know, I don't believe in that you have to love yourself and be the best version of yourself to attract a person that you manifest in your motherfucking life. Like no, that's not what happened for me. You know, that came after. Love, you are, we're born with the capacity to love.

That's not something we're taught, like that we are born with that. And even when we're at a low place, you can still do the smallest thing for someone else. And it will uplift you. Oh, my God, Dalyne, I have had so much fun with you today. You are incredible. Where can people follow you, watch you, listen to you, read your shit? Give me the goods. Thanks, Mama.

So you can find me at at Daneem Santana on Instagram. That's where I have all my poetry, all my advocacy, my poems, my reels, like all of that. I would definitely say follow me on Instagram because that's where all of my advocacy is. Amazing. And what's the handle? At Dalyne Santana. Amazing. Thank you so much for coming to hell.

And we will talk to you guys later. That was a hot one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.