Berner Phone - Dr. Emily Morse: Pegging & Positive Promiscuity

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

Let's have sex in hell with Emily! She is the leading sex therapist of our generation and I loved talking everything sex with her from orgasms, to communicating to your partner, to pegging, to toys, butt stuff, keeping it spicy in long term relationships, and I'm getting turned on just typing this! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning Heaven. What is up, guys? We have a very sexual episode today, and you know we love talking about things that may scare us, that may confuse us, that bring out our demons. Who knows what's going to happen this episode? We are with Dr. Emily Morse from Sex with Emily. I'm obsessed with her. Welcome to hell. Emily. How are you? I'm so good. I'm very excited to be here with you. Thanks for having me. Of course. Yeah, I was just reading up on you. And the first thing that kind of was so

interesting was how you had your first masturbation experience at 25. Yes, exactly. I didn't even know what it was until I was 25. Didn't even occur to me. I didn't hear about it until I was like in my early 20s in college. Yeah. It's crazy because I just saw on TikTok where we get a lot of information nowadays that someone said that the way like women should talk about our finances with each other is also how we should talk about our sexual experiences. But for some reason, women are not having these conversations. Exactly. I 100% agree with that. Like if my friend had turned to me and like high school, they're like, hey, so last night I was like, you know, I had this orgasm. It was really cool. I'd be like, you did what? Like tell me like what did you do? So yes, we should. Why do what why are we keeping it to

ourselves? It's because of shame and all that stuff, but like get over at people like that's how we learn. Share these things. Well, that's why you're pretty iconic because you did your first podcast episode in 2005. I know, right? What you were in like high school. Legendary. I mean, legendary. I love that you can't had a new passion like later in life. What was your dream growing up? Like what did you? think you wanted to be. I didn't know. You know, my dream was to know what I wanted to be.

Like my dream was like, you know where those people like, oh, I always knew I wanted to be a doctor because my dad was a doctor. I always knew I wanted to be an actor. Like, I didn't know. I really didn't know. So when I graduated from college, like I've always been very driven. And at the time I thought, oh, I want to work in politics because I got inspired by the fact that there was no women in office at the time.

Like there was like two women in the Senate. I was like, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. And that was inspiring until it wasn't. And I became kind of disillusion with politics. but then it was like it was literally like this I wanted to do the job that didn't feel like a job because that all I knew about that I'm like well I got to find that thing so pivot pivot pivot into my like early 30s and I was like oh well sex is fascinating and it's actually not bad

great most of time and I also am like an overachiever and heart of myself and every time I heard someone say I had great sex last night I was like what do you mean by that like did you have six orgasms like what does it mean to have great sex so that was always a dialogue I had in my head, and I was always curious, and there was literally nowhere to go in 2005. There was like Dr. Ruth, and she's like 90, right? And I was like, okay, well, where else? I was like, so random. And I was like, I just literally just started a podcast like this in my living room and invited a bunch of friends over and just started talking about sex. And I just thought, oh, well, and then I realized that no one knew anything. And everyone was

like kind of faking orgasms and not understanding when they were turned on and where they weren't. And then I just went in hard. And after that first podcast, I thought this is it, like this is the path I've been looking for all these years. So I just knew. And I've never, never diverged from that path. How did you conquer the like shame feeling that we're taught when you had to like tell your parents or your family, hey, I'm talking about sex on air? Right.

I mean, honestly, I think for a while my mom was always like, she has a show about dating, right? That made her feel better. Like she talks to people about dating. And it just took a while. I think that I didn't really have that pressure. My mom was just like, just as long as you can like make a living, she wasn't that uptight about it, but she's also in Michigan. So she wasn't like.

And it took me a long time. You have to understand that in 2005 talking about sex and a podcast. Like it wasn't until like five years ago where every time someone's like, oh, podcasting, yeah, I've been meaning to get into that. Like I was telling him to get into yoga or something. I'd be like, take your phone. There's a free app. But now people know.

So I'm saying like all of it was just sort of this process. where I actually also and I didn't care because I thought my parents were just not those kind of parents. They were like, do your thing and we're just not going to talk to you about it. And they're also, they're self-obsessed anyway. So it didn't matter. But with everybody else, it was like, I think like friends and stuff, they were just like, oh, that's cool. And so I don't know. I don't really care. I see, I would like to say, I don't care people think, but I know that I do. But in that way, I knew that I was like changing people's lives right away because people were emailing and talking to me and telling me. And I knew that it was

changing. I was learning. So I was like, I don't really care. like this is going to this is going to this is doing what it's supposed to do and then I went back to grad school and got my doctorate in human sexuality and I was surrounded by like-minded people and I was in San Francisco so people around me were like yeah that's cool like it wasn't as weird but if I was back in Michigan what I love that you said I went to university of Wisconsin and the first time I masturbated was after my first freshman year class I took human sexuality and they basically were like this is how a person orgasms and they created like such a scientific idea of it and I was like wait so like I I should be doing that oh that's so good

like like I literally learned it in school because no one freaking talked about it before and I was the older sister I didn't have anyone like above me that was like giving me any information it's so funny I love that that worked for you because I'm actually in this book I'm writing right now I was like just going right before I was going over the masturbation chapter and people still need to know like they need the instructions like here's your vulva here's and it's not shaboo It's not shameful or taboo and go do it. I love that that worked for you. Yeah, they basically were like, these are the steps.

You get a rouse and then this happens and that happens. I thought it was this like freaky, dirty little thing that like. Exactly. Well, we all do and people still do or they were grown up. People, when they were raised, they were like, it's shameful, don't do it. Because also, didn't you think growing up, like I knew about men masturbating? You're like, oh, like it's, and it was always like you'd see those scenes and movies and stuff, like fast times or, or, or, um, American pie, right?

Yep. And he's like, he's, you know, fucking a pie. We never show women orgasm. I mean, masturbating. Ever. Or when they show women orgasming, it's like after he like has one pump and she's like, ah! Yeah, one pump wander.

You're like, oh, she had an orgasm that way. And then you feel bad because you don't come that way. And then you find out that nobody does. Nowadays, with like, only fans and so much like visual content out there and obviously porn, it's like great that women are like, like making money off sex, but also you have to find a way to take in all the information and not like, again, get more shame of like my vagina doesn't look like that or like I can't bend my leg that way over my head.

Exactly. We got to stop the shape. That's that exactly it is that I think a huge part of it that isn't tackled yet is that because of what we see in porn. Like I'm lucky because I didn't have as much of those images. like there was like magazines I mean there was porn but I'd have to put a tape in the thing and figure it out now all this new like labia like my is my labia wrong because you see it and people have to remember that like she's got makeup on she's cheating towards camera like it's not

even and everyone's body's different so yeah but that that is a huge thing and I just tell women all the time like you just got to like if you feel good in your body and you know that you deserve pleasure and you know how to make yourself orgasm and all those things like you're partner's not going to be like I really loved her but her left labia hugged way longed down way too far and if that person does shame you for it like they're not your person I love what you're doing so much too because you're kind of that like best friend that's like yeah we're in it together like it's not this crazy thing like we can figure it out together but it's it's funny when I was younger I remember used to ask men like guys in high school I'd be like how often do you masturbate like I was like interested in it

but I was like oh I don't but like that's that crazy thing all you men do and when realistically why are they masturbating and we're not exactly and ours is way waste something that we need to know because we need to teach them am I right yeah well that's why so masturbation this is the other thing and I got to tell you I don't often have to remind men to masturbate but like they're like I'm you know they do it they do it they think about it it's easier for them they've got the erection like, I might as well jack off. It's the morning. I got a boner.

But for women, I have to like oftentimes remind them that it's actually is important about being sex. It helps you be more sexually healthy. It helps you understand what you want. And sex begins sex. So there's a lot of women I hear from who are like, well, I'm not in a relationship right now. Or I'm in a relationship, but I don't need to. So I want to say if you're in a relationship, still important to masturbate.

But even if you're not, it helps to facilitate that sexual feeling. You're connected to your body. So if you're like, I'm not dating, I'm not doing anything. And am I having orgasms? Well, then like, you got to keep, it's like not working out forever. Like you've got to keep that going. So it is important. Like, and I used to think that my partner, like I used to say like someday my prince will

come and so will I. Like he's going to ride up on a white horse and he's going to know exactly what I need. So I will come because I thought that he would know. Like I almost thought I literally believe that they were born to know and that I didn't know. but that's why I say, like, we're responsible for our own orgasms. Like, if we don't know, they're not mind readers. They're not going to figure out. And maybe they're the last partner like something completely different.

So it's all the matter of us, it's part of our job. But it's like a fun job. Yeah. And if you don't use it, you lose it. No, I'm just kidding. But if you're getting to know your body, the next step is like a partner comes into play. And there's also shame in that. Like, what if you're like, oh, maybe he doesn't.

want to do what I want to do. What have you learned about like what you're looking for in a right partner, especially if like everything lines up and then in bed, you're like, is this not working? Happens all the time. I mean, what I've found is first we have to talk about sex right, like right away. And I know that people aren't going to do this. I'm like, I mean, I'm not going to go on the first date and be like, so tell me about your masturbation routine. And I'll tell you about mine. And how important is it for you to go down on a woman for at least 30 to 45 minutes, you know, you're not going to say it in the first date. But I also have to say this, which might be hopeful for some people that even if it sucks the first time, which I think the first time

of what people is not usually that, like, amazing, there's still room for growth there. So after that, having a talk, I always say it's outside the bedroom when you're hanging out and you're being like, listen, I'd love to talk about sex. You can even say, I know this is awkward and weird and I actually haven't really done it that much before, but I always tell you'll blame me, like, I've been listening to Sex with Emily, listening to her podcast, and she says, you know, it helps to talk about it. So let's talk about it. I masturbate.

Do you masturbate? What kind of things are you into? Like I'm into like dirty talk or I'm into, you know, like I know that I actually only orgasm during for during oral sex and with a toy. Like so I want to let you know that. How do you most orgasm? And I know that this is a practice and people are like cringing going there's no fucking way in the planet. I'm ever going to do this. But I promise you over time it becomes easier.

Like it just does and you've got nothing to lose and everything you do. It's also kind of confident, I feel like. It is. I'm like, this is what I'd be like, let's talk about how we're going to make each other come. Yes, I love how you reframed that. And you could do the scene. Absolutely. Let's talk about us both coming because as you can see, it looks like you had a delightful

orgasm. If you notice, I did not. So let's talk about how we can facilitate this each and every time. I require oral sex because I dated a guy for a year and I found out after a year that like he wasn't going down to me. And I'm like, what's the deal? And I finally added dinner. you're on vacation it was like a lovely trip it was like day six no oral and i'm like babe let's

talk so what is it about oral sex like you know that i like it like are you is that you're into it like you don't not sure if i like it because maybe i haven't made that clear are you not what to do like do you want some tips or is it just not your thing and he's like just not my thing and i was like well then you're not my thing and this is over like find out a year find out right away so again it's like there's different tools too like it's sex with emily on my website sexual only.com. I have something called the yes, no, maybe list. And it's like this really great tool for couples can like take a little quiz together and be like, oh, are you into anal? The yes, no, maybe. Are you into like spanking? Yes, no, maybe. And then you compare your

yeses in your notes. So they're just like, because I know it's not easy, I provide tools and resources for people, but just talk about it now. Before you walk down the aisle, before you devote your entire life to somebody, do they have a growth mindset around sex? talk about it. Even like I recently started using toys and I've been joking about how like there's so much admin involved where like you have to make sure because you know in the moment you're like hot and heavy and then you're like none of my toys are charged right now and you're like I'm not going to wait and then next time you forgot to charge it. So there's all these like little things. But I go into sex with like a little bit of a sense of humor because I actually have a lot of

stand-up jokes about how sex isn't as good as like they make it seem on TV and I try to normalize like I talk about quefeing I talk about like when he actually hits the wrong hole during doggie and you have to be like that was wrong when you're like

you almost snap his dick when you're riding him these are things that I feel like every girl's experienced that I've never seen on a Netflix romcom right maybe it's the one that you're writing or you're creating because that's it normalizing it's all about normalizing it. It's all about just staying it, being blood like that, like, just being like, yeah, like, let's talk about it and just exactly it. Like, why not? Like, how much time would it save us?

How much pressure would it save is just to be like, let's cover this? And speaking of pressure, I do think that I have had experiences where the first time you hook up with a guy, he's like nervous, he's in his head. And I would argue that you shouldn't always, you shouldn't judge from the first experience. Do not. I agree. You can't. Like, oh, he's a bad. kiss her, oh, he came too quickly. Like, he's nervous. Give him a break. Give him a chance. I think if you liked him enough the first time that you cannot judge with sex, like on the first or even the second time, because how would they know? Like, it's a dance. It's like you're both coming to dance, but you know different steps. You've been trained in different methods. So how do you

judge that way, right? So you have to be with somebody who's open to like feedback. And that's why I think it's always good to like go slow the first time you're with someone or at least kind of just direct things in that way. But no, don't judge it. just talk about it. Now, if they're like, how dare you talk about it or I know what I'm doing, then again, you get a lot of information from someone knowing how they don't talk about sex or how they won't talk about sex. But, like, speaking about toys and all that, it's like, I have a friend who brings

her magic wand vibrator on every date. She literally throws that thing in her purse and she just brings it. She whips it out. And I was like, oh, wait, that's amazing. Just like 10 years. I actually took a training with her, like a therapy training like 10 years ago. And I was like, I want to do that. Like, good for you.

And she's got plenty of boyfriends and plenty of men. But, like, I think that we think that we're going to be, like, it's going to be weird or it will make. It says, cool. I think it's badass and makes us confident no way we want because we have to remember that they're not as confident as they seem. They're just doing what they thought they should be doing, pounding away the jackhammer or what they saw porn. But they love direction. Like the good ones, they're like, thank you. Yes.

When you say the good ones, I feel like if they're insecure about it, that's their own stuff. they're projecting onto you and that's not your fault. If your man does not want to see you happy, that is his problems and that's not yours. I like the reframe there. Also, you have a whole masterclass or you had a masterclass. I had a masterclass. I did masterclass. That was good. Yeah, I did that during the pandemic. And yeah, they masterclass, the courses, you know, they teach learn from the world best. So they hit me up. They're like, we want you teach the sex class. I was like, whoa, okay. Let's get into it. So that was amazing. Yeah, it's still available on masterclass. Amazing. Everyone, check that out. And I love that it's like literally next to like

Serena Williams teaching a forehand. And you're like, okay, and this is how you like touch your clip. Exactly. Which was so brave of masterclass because at the time they only have like 75 instructors. This was in 2020. And they were like, um, and we want to do wellness. And we're starting with sex, which was so cool. Because only recently are people realizing that sexual health is part of your overall health and wellness. And they're like, we're going to start with sex. and that we'll do like yoga and shigong and breath work which was so cool and it's a really it was a really fun course to shoot and people love it my friends make fun of me that I do a lot of dildo ads but like very early on when you start you know getting a following people ask you what kind of brands you like to work with

and the first time I like read one of these ads and they I was like this is sexual wellness like this is literally me like helping people with their mental and physical health like never once did I feel weird about it When I had friends being like, oh, you're like doing dildo ads. And I was like, I'm helping women feel normal about coming. Yeah. And facilitating it with the right dildo. Like, you're welcome. Exactly.

That's the part of it. That is the part of it. So I love you doing it. Yeah. And that's how I've worked. Well, a long time. That was a side note, maybe not as interesting. But part of my business was when I started this early on, like I was making no money for

many years. It was like I sold everything I owned to like start a sex podcast. I was like, they're going to love. this. We love starting from the bottom. Now we're here stories. Bottom nowhere, right? No, but that's it. Like, literally it was like, I was naive. I was like, I, at the time, in a way, I wouldn't, I wouldn't trade anything, but I was like, how could this not be successful? Because everybody needs no what sex. It's men, it's women. And then I started like, talked about some companies sent me vibrators like in 2007, 2008. And I

talked about this one, which I still love, this one vibrator. And they were like, called me. And they're like, what did you do? Because we just sold 40% more vibrators. I was like, oh, Well, and then I was like, well, maybe you should pay me. And I didn't know what to do. And I made up the whole influencer. They made up for me for my industry at the time because they also were just selling it like in the back of, you know, stores or like online and no one knew. So then I started getting like, you know, 20 pounds of sex toys delivered to my office a week. And then I was like, well, this is fun.

And then I talked about, you know, and then it became a whole thing. But I love that. It's true. And then I held two. And like, it's not just my vagina saying what toys are good. But then my whole team went like, my former interns have like suitcases of toys. Like my parents came and I had to put it under my bed with like so many toys because that's all we would do is like and then we'd do shows where we'd all try a toy and not talk about it until we were on the air and be like what kind of orgasm. Isn't that fun? That is so fun. I know. Let's do that again. It was fun. That is really fun. You're like, this is your homework. Exactly. Exactly. But no, I love that you always did that. And that's people, they're all listening to you. It's great. Yeah, because I think about like who the people look at my content is and it's 90% when.

women who there has to be a couple that maybe if they see me holding it will make them feel less weird by holding it. I bet they have. Yes, exactly. And here's the thing, just to clarify, a dildo is a vibrator. It's not a vibrator. A dildo looks like a phallic shaped and goes inside of you and it doesn't vibrate. But a vibrator actually vibrates that it can be handheld or it can be shaped like a phallic object.

But the majority of people who have a vulva, I always call vulva owners on my show, will not have an orgasms in their life ever with anything to do with a penis or anything really but a vibrator like and that's okay too and it's because of our anatomy the way we're shaped like only 20% of women are going to have an orgasm during penetration and mostly it's because we're not getting it so if the penis is going in the vagina you are missing the clitoris you need to put something here so like a little handheld vibe that goes buzz buzz you know if you have a vibrator company you work with that we just tell that go there use Hannah's code and like put it on your clitoris during penetration you're going to have an orgasm and guess what feels great if you're with a man like feels great on a shaft too like

have that vibrator on your nightstand is it crazy though science wise that the creator of all would not give us more orgasms from just inserting a penis well you know why it's the creative all but that it's also the the purity movement and the religious movement that says that you should only have sex for penetration. And if you're only having sex for penetration, the penis that goes in the vagina is the only way we're going to describe sex. But again, if you look at vulva owners, we will not have pleasure that way. Like we will. It might feel good. Like it feels good. But we definitely like the clitoris is where all the action is happening. And that is like nowhere near it doesn't get hit during the penetration. And sometimes I feel like the vulva does feel better when the

clit's involved too. Exactly. Bring them all in the mix. And the clitoris is on, you know, it's external and internal there's the external ball but then it goes inside there's there's 8,000 nerve readings but they're the internal clitoral nerves so it helps to have a clitoral orgasm first and then when the penis goes inside of you then you becomes more aroused and gorge swollen and then you're more likely have an orgasm that way in my household in my household we have a rule nothing's going in until I come I love that she comes first because but it makes it better for him. Yes. That's a good rule. It's just a rule. We don't, there's no questions. There's no anything. I actually, I, I, I just got married in May. Congratulations. I heard. This is

amazing. Thank you. And but I also like, I guess I had an idea that eventually I'd meet someone, but I never like really care that much about marriage or put that much weight on it. And then I met this guy. Six months later, we're engaged. It all happened so fast. But I've experienced that like we met during COVID where you're just like fucking like crazy yeah and then you I learned I watched again I watch a TikTok I like to call it the New York Times but it's a TikTok where there's a lot of false information but some things are interesting where they say like when you're first fucking it's very like dopamine drug oriented and you also deep down like you kind of want that affirmation that they're into you and then how over time it's very natural that you don't need that like

physical affirmation as much and you you're not on that like same high so they say like you actually should have less sex, but there is definitely a balance, right? Yeah. I mean, I think, yes, there's definitely a balance. I mean, what happens, I think you're describing is at the beginning of every relationship, the sex is the best it's ever going to be because you are, and I'm sorry to say that. It'll still be great, but in different ways, but you want sex all the time because there's this cocktail of all these feel-good hormones, right?

The dopamine and the serotonin and the oxytocin. And it's like the most delicious cocktail of drugs. And it's because this partner is new and exciting. And you've never had sex with them in this way. You've never kissed him in this way. And you're just like, and everything's not exciting. There smells, their sense, the way they walk, the way they talk. We call it the honeymoon phase, right?

And that's a real biological condition. And it is proven that after between six months and two years is when you start to see the decline. And you are not going to want sex as much. And you're not going to want to be gripping their clothes up when they walk in the door as much. And it's just going to be different. And we have to like normalize that. And then what we crave is is a little bit more variety, a little bit more novelty.

And maybe it's just not sex as frequent. And that's okay too. But it's just a rattle of like figuring out like what is the stuff that's going to keep us going. So we just don't stop having sex. Yeah. I think it's too simple to be like, oh, you have less sex. I think it's more like your sex life evolve.

Like my sex life has gotten like better in terms of us understanding each other. But then also you don't want it to be like such a well-oiled, you know, machine that you like there isn't a little bit of like question in it. Yeah. I think talking about it does it too for people. Like if they don't talk about it and even couples is to say this and I'll say this to you too is that what I love is for couples who are just starting out or they're new or married say like let's make a commitment to each other that we're going to prioritize our sex life.

like we're going to figure out what that means we're going to have talks about it we're going to i always like tell couples like a weekly or buy we get like a check-in like once a month even like how we do we do and what's on our bucket list what do we want to try and it might sound silly and a bucket list could just be like let's try a new toy a new position let's go away because most couples have great vacation sex so just saying like we're not going to let it become this thing because like that's not okay with us to be the couple and it does take two to tango does and like if you're both committed to being like look we're not going to go more than like five days without it let's have fun right also because there is more out there do you ever see like certain

things trending like I feel like sometimes stuff in the bedroom will become more popular whether it's like suddenly pegging is talked about or like eating ass it's like people are talking about it more do you what do you see your opinion of the like trending sex I would I know it's a good question because I used to say that um so when I first started again like fucking 20 years ago I was like, anal is the new oral, because no one was really talking about anal at all. I'm like, anal's a new oral. No, anal is a new blow job. No, anal is a new oral.

And now I think it's like pegging and prostate play is like the new, it's like the new anal for men. So prostate play and pegging, I think is definitely having one. We saw this show on pegging last week. It was like my first show all about pegging. And I do think, which I've noticed in the last five years, there was a lot of straight men who were like, I'm luck and I don't want anything in my ass because it's going to mean that I'm gay

or it's not going to feel good or if I was supposed to do it, I would already know about it. But it's like, no, guys, you have a prostate. We don't have a prostate. We all have a fetus, but we don't have a prostate. And if I'm telling you that you could put something in it that's going to give you a crazy orgasm,

like you never had, like, why not try it? Why not venture? And I think it used to be like women calling me and being like, oh, well, it's hard to do it. He won't. But in the last few years, I've noticed that guys are like, tell me more about it. Like, I'm ready.

Give me the toy. Again, it's like me in my class where it's like, okay, you can feel any societal way, about it, but science is telling you, you're going to have a mind-blowing orgasm from this. Exactly. It's science. Do you have any advice for women who are scared of men's buttholes? Yeah. Oh, because like, yeah. Oh, I think I called 2017 was the year of anal licking. I'm just remembering that now. So it is a new thing. So yeah, if they're afraid of it, I mean, I think many are. I mean, I think it's hygiene. Take a shower first. I think it's really hot to take a shower

together, maybe experiment in the shower. Because if part of it is that, um, and, And I think, like, gets some flavored lube or so lube that feels really good and kind of trying it. You starting with, like, your finger, like, I think it's like if I don't think you have to go from like zero to pegging, but you could just like, hey, baby, turn it around you've got a strap on on. He's like, I have no idea what you're doing. But to start with like a finger and like having like lots of lube on your hand and just making sure like you around the anus and just kind of feeling like starting there. And then maybe like just doing a little bit like see how he responds to it first. And then they maybe put a little bit finger inside of it. Because that can also feel good because there's so many nerve endings there.

There are, it's new, right? So maybe your partner's never really had it or maybe you've got, you know, someone stuck a finger in his ass once and he was like, that was kind of cool. But you're doing it deliberately and with intention. So just kind of building up to it, I would say. And just kind of like going slow and seeing how it responds, making sure you're showered and like then it's like lightly use your tongue,

darted inside out, use a butt plug if you don't want to actually be. touching it or using your mouth. Speaking from my experience, there was like a real power in like being the one that like is inserting into the guy. Because we're always the one it's getting penetrated. So you get to feel like you're doing something to him. Like because even blowjobs. You're like still I feel like he's fucking my mouth. Exactly. Or this like you are very in control. And I think it was like a very fun like. power dynamic where I'm like I can control his pleasure right it's empowering it is yeah guys this is our homework this is our homework golden peg it's like Wisconsin but 10 years later right you're like okay

but now pegging like you're gonna take it oh these women are like buying strepons I love it well yeah again pegging I think is battling like societal stuff where it's like oh like do I want to be like fucked by my girl but if it's just like a different form of getting pleasure I don't know I think we're battling a lot of, like, questions now. I think they are. And I think that what I found, though, whenever there's like this protest, and I feel like there's a lot, like, there's even a lot of protests about toys. Like, if my partner needs a toy, then my penis isn't big enough or I'm not man enough. But I also find that once we get over that hump of the awkwardness, that they're like, and it feels good. A whole new world. A whole new world that you're not worried

about societal norms and worlds are like, when you're bringing that strap on again, like, we're all cool with it. And you can be a man. You'll never take it off. I think. I Exactly. I think their fear is it. And then you're not going to be turned on by them, but that's their own issue. Right. I think if your partner is asking to do it and they're down, like I think it's leaving you for the vibrator. Okay. And if you're scared of that, you need to work on your personality. Right. There's other issues. Also, you've been pretty vocal about how you've never wanted to get married. How long did you know this about yourself? I've known this. I think when I was 19, I was like, why do people get married? And it just never seemed interesting to me because I always thought, I don't know, I just was like, how do you have sex with one person for the rest of your life and all that stuff? And I was just much more about my career and more about like saying yes to everything and experimenting with life. And I just never, yeah, I knew that and I knew I didn't want kids either.

I just have known that from a very young age. Now I have to say this. I also go up at a home where there was plenty of divorces and remarried as divorces and it was. I didn't have an environment where like I saw happy parents. So, like, I mean, I'm so, I've had so much therapy. I'm so self-aware that I know that also had, you know, played a role in that. And so, no, I never prioritized marriage or family. I've had long-term relationships for sure, but it was about marriage.

But I have to say that I am in a, probably my last really, I've got in a wonderful, beautiful relationship right now for a year with like the guy that I know is my man. So who knows what could happen. I know, but I'm still not about marriage, but it's like I know that he's my guy. Well, it's interesting. you said it earlier yeah like what is when you go into something what's your overall purpose or like what's your intention and you're still intending on meeting someone that you feel safe and good with it's just you're not like looking for health insurance no I wasn't like in their

money like at this point too in my life like I don't need your sperm I don't need your money like so what is the thing that you need and it's like I want like my I want my life partner like I want my companion and someone we hang out with and have great sex and do life with and so to me that's that is really interesting right now. And I've come, and I wasn't like this, though, even a few years ago. I was still like, I'm doing my career, my life, my friends. But I think the pandemic really got me to like kind of slow down and had to, we all kind of slow down.

And I was like, oh, no, I think I actually, I'm just ready, like, all the stars of the line in my life where I'm like, oh, I'm actually ready. And I think I think I, yeah, so it's, it's shifted a little. And I think I also really wasn't, wasn't looking for it and wasn't interested in the traditional, you know, thing. And also, like, you were able to really focus on who you are, and he met a person that was, you know, not forcing anything and not changing to fit into someone else's story. I think I wasn't right.

Yeah, exactly. I pretty much know who I am. Like, this is who I am, you know. Yeah, and that makes complete sense. And yeah, you know that he's not falling for someone who is lost in their own stuff or because that can definitely happen where sometimes you meet someone and you're like, oh, this is easier just being this person's person than. figure out who I am. Right. Exactly. And it's that whole notion of like someone to

complete me or my other half. Like I think that's all bullshit. I think you want to find somebody who compliments you and who elevates you and you both are working to be the best versions of yourself. No matter like what age you are. Like you want someone. And that's so hard when you're younger to discern that. Because I think I used to be attracted to guys who who had things that I wanted in myself, but I didn't quite have them myself. Like I hadn't cultivated them in myself yet. And so I wasn't ready. Or they just kind of felt like I warm blanket and they were safety, but I don't know. Yeah, like the more work I've done myself, I realize that no, we both have work to do still because you're never done, but we both

want each other to, we help each other become better, best version of our fellow. Delving into your mental health a little. Yeah. Do you suffer at all with anxiety, depression? Where's, where is it both? Is it one more than the other? What's your cocktail? Yes, all of it, anxiety and depression. I think they're so closely related. I've always identified more with anxiety than depression. And so, yeah, I'd say it's been a lifelong practice. I probably first identified it in college when I was studying. And I think now it's like, yeah, I've always had anxiety. Like I've been all of it. Yeah, it's something that I contend with. And then on top of that, I realize like, and now it's everywhere ever like ADD, executive functioning. I always said, like,

I'm only anxious because I can't get this task done. And why can't I get the task done and organize it? And why are there piles everywhere? Now it's why I fucking love TikTok too for this. It's like, oh my God, like I'm Neraday Virgin and then there's all these things like body doubling. Like that's why I need someone sitting next to me when I do things. Like I didn't know any of this.

Wait, what is this body doubling? Fively doubling. Yeah. Like it's like my sister. Like you need to sit here while I write because I won't get it done. Right. Like that's what I have to do with cleaning my apartment.

Like if my mom's there, I'll clean. Right. Exactly. It's body doubling. And it's, I learned this on TikTok. I mean,

I felt like so alone in my, in my, in my anxiety and people weren't talking about it like years ago when I was going to do this too, but I feel like now it's like everywhere. Like who isn't anxious and depressed? But yeah, no, I've suffered. And then the depression I think has been less so. But when I've been depressed again, it usually comes from and it's very closely linked to burnout.

Like I think I work very hard and I run a business. So I think it's been like I'm just depressed because I'm exhausted. But for me, it's mostly this is like fight or flight and then learning to like breathe and bring my nervous system down and yoga and all that stuff. Does your anxiety have any, like, presence in your sex life ever? How has it affected your relationship with sex throughout your life? Yeah, I think definitely one of the reasons why I didn't, what I figured out now, is that I think one of the reasons why I had a hard time orgasming and why I didn't

masturbate is because I think I had a lot of trauma growing up, meaning like just like a household that was sort of chaotic and didn't feel safe. And so I believe that my body was like shut down like I was in a constant fight or flight. So I couldn't really feel things. So I think that's why I didn't feel like that. It didn't occur to me because something like you didn't ever think to just kind of take a gander down your pants and see what's going on. And so I think that's part of it. And so I think during sex too, I found that like I, yeah, I get distracted or it's been harder to orgasm.

And so I've learned like a lot of mindfulness tools and I share it with my partner and I learn to like breathe. I learned to focus on my senses during sex. So when I'm tripping during sex and I'm worried about like, you know, someone's going to whatever, what I need to do for work or my do list or the house is a mess or whatever, all the million things. I take a deep breath. I even tell my partner,

I'm like, we've got to breathe. We'll just stop and we'll look. Because breathing just can stop it. We'll take a deep breath, we'll reset. And then sometimes I focus on my senses. So I'll be like, okay, what am I smelling? I'm smelling this vanilla candle.

Like, what am I hearing? I'm hearing my breath. What am I? And when you focus on all five senses and around like really quickly, you're immediately dropped into the present moment. So the intrusive thoughts don't have a can't be there. They don't, they can't exist simultaneously. Yeah, you cannot orgasm while also not being in the moment. Right. So I keep bringing myself back to the moment all the time. And it's funny because I feel like in the past I've thought I've been in the moment. And then like something will have me like, oh, that's what being in the moment feels like what you're not like oh yeah I'm in the moment I'm focusing on this it's like

no you're lost but that takes a real like trust and calmness that as an anxious person as well it doesn't just come to us naturally I know no and I don't understand me who it does like but my boyfriend is super calm he's like human he's like walking Xanax like he comes in I'm just like ah but that's what I need I need the calming because it you know it helps and my friends are calm you know just I think we're all at balance, but speaking of, you talk in your master class about the power of mindful masturbation. Could you just let me know what that is? Yeah, I will. So mindful masturbation is the practice of countering a lot. There's a few places that this serves. The first is for people who have a lot of intrusive thoughts during sex, it's like learning to breathe and to focus on what's

happening in the present moment, like getting curious about what you're feeling like it's about what does it feel like when I put my hand on my arm or my neck or my inner thigh and then you're noticing what it feels like to be touched, how to have an orgasm, how to please yourself because most of us have the hidden quit it thing. We go in and I do this most of the time, like take my vibe or like, I'm done getting the shower. So I get that and there's a place for that. But when we're trying to cultivate more awareness and more arousal and like what actually feels feel like I learned how to have a blended orgasm because of masturbation. I learned how to have an orgasm because of it. So for me, it's just that mindfulness, like people know through meditation,

I think is about your senses of being present in the moment. And a mindful masturbation is like not using porn, not being distracted, not being in fantasy land, but being about like, what does it actually feel like to have my finger on my clitoris or this toy in this moment? And then you're breathing into it. And then you realize like, oh, wow, it didn't expand. And you're like, I know where everything is now and how everything feels. So that's great. And then you can also explain that to a partner because the reason why I developed this practice is because for so long as with partners,

they're like, me, what feels good? What do you want me to do? And I wouldn't know. I was like, I don't know. Like, whatever you're doing feels good. And it wasn't until I got present with myself that I figured out by myself what actually felt good. Like, I want a light feather touch.

I don't want touch on my clitter. I want my upper left head and quadrant of my clitters is more sensitive than the bottom right like i had to do my research so you don't have to buddy but here's what you need to know so that's what it is i love that so much okay we're going to wrap it up with a final game you're doing amazing and sexual hell okay it's time to play the seven deadly sins seven deadly sins what are you greedy about orgasms i can have like 20 of them now like with toys and stuff. I'm like, I'm going to have so many. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like, yeah, when I get worked up, it's like you almost get like hooked on it because you're like, oh, because once you're aroused and it doesn't completely go down, that's another just like scientific fact that I feel like a lot of girls don't realize that like, we can go.

Just because you haven't had a multiple orgasm doesn't mean that you can't. Who are you envious of? I'm envious of people who have like stellar executive functioning who are like organized and get things done ahead and they're like early. They're like, I finished it already. I read the entire chapter. I got it done. I'm prepped and ready to go and everything's charged. But you've done like a lot of school and studying considering it all. It was so hard.

It was so hard. You push. You definitely like to challenge yourself. I push. I challenge myself and it's hard. And I'm always learning the best ways to adapt. But that to me is I still struggle with that every day. All day.

But learning that like I'm neurodivergent too made me realize like, oh, the things that I'm really bad at sometimes make me really good at other things. Exactly. No, that's exactly it. I have to remember that. It makes us genius in our own ways. But that stuff is still hard. And I used to have a lot of shame around it. I think I still do sometimes. I'm trying to let that go. So I would say does your partner help you with that at all? He helps me a lot with it. And he's because he's really good at it. He's very good. And he just, he kind of likes it. And we've had talks about this because he like likes it. Like he thinks that's part of, but he enjoys helping me those things. It makes him feel good. Like great, babe. Because it's never good. form of connecting you guys. What do you gluttonous about? What do you overindulgent? I don't that many things I overindulgent. Like I really was thinking about this and it's like, yeah, like I love sweet. I'm not like a big like drinker. I mean, I like weed, but I'm not doing it all the time. I would say like, I know this is all mental stuff, but this is really what I think of because I am so involved with mental health. It's like I'm, I'm so hard on my, like, glutton for punishment. Like I'm so hard on myself. I have a lot of negative self-talk and I

battle that all the time every day. So to me like literally, that's my answer. actually like the most unique answer I've ever gotten most people are like peanut butter but I've learned that from my therapist that because I'm very into negative self-talk that it's actually like a drug like we feel comfortable in that pain even though it's pain you're like why would I want to do that and it's like no because instead of other uncomfortable feelings that you're not as familiar with you like to go back to that place of that's like it's a habit that you know yeah the second something happens like I got to a flat tire or like I buck something up major I still go to like oh this is where I'm going to be really hard of myself and now I see it because like everyone around me knows that I do it and now I'm like I'm doing like don't do it like they watch me like don't say it because I can't so that is it yeah I mean it's like it's a practice it is it is not do it and to me to not to not to not do it yeah because you don't have to identify with it you could be like okay that's not like we don't have to do that it's a choice and I feel like when I started being

nicer to myself, like a lot of things changed in my life. But I didn't know that I could, that being softer to myself would make me better because I come from like an athlete background where it's like harder, harder, harder. Oh, of course. Yeah, that was your brick trading and your upbringing and you think if I'm soft, well, nothing will happen. But that's good thing you learn that. I love that. Yeah. The positive, just like having positivity and like being your number one supporter does never hurts you. Like you, you know you. You know you. fucked up. You don't have to, like, terrorize yourself for four days about it. And also, you're fucking human. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger?

Do you have an angry side? Not enough. I think anger is a really important emotion to be, I actually, I thought about that. I don't have a lot of anger. I got anger as this woman. Like, I love dogs and this woman's, like, abusing this dog that, like, a neighbor or so I adopted this trickling him outside. And I was fucking pissed. I was like, how dare it? I yelled her. Like, how would you lead this dog in the heat? Like, I was mad. And I'm going to adopt another dog because of that. So that's wrath. But I don't do a lot of anger. And I think that it's important about the anger.

And yeah, I don't have a lot of it. But when people are just doing something ignorant. Yeah, I feel like if people have it too much, it's bad. But if you're like not angry at all, it's almost like sometimes, sometimes. Sometimes angry can feel like an orgasm. Let that shit out. Don't hold it in. Exactly.

Because also, they say depression is anger turned inward. So you have to look at that too sometimes. Yes. Ooh, that's really smart. Yeah. It's really true, too. So people have a lot of negative self-talk are like, it's not. Because usually we're not angry because it wasn't safe in our environment growing up to show anger or our parents didn't show anger or they showed too much of it, whatever reason.

So we just turn it inward because we're like it's not safe. But then it comes off as like negative self-talk and beating ourselves off literally. When was the last time you were a sloth or just like lazy all day? Oh my God. I think on vacation. I'm mostly on vacation. I would have my boyfriend to Mexico for a week. And we literally like did not do anything but like have sex and we had a hot tub in our room.

outside. It was amazing. And we did that again. Also, I do find vacations are good to spice up your sex life. Like get a new environment, a new routine, some good food, not too much food or then I'll be like, I can't. Right. But no, it is so true. Vacation sex, whenever I ask people like, when was that time you great sex, when you felt the most connected to like vacation. So then go away for a night to someone. Like, go to another hotel room, just change up your environment. It's great sex. Yes. Yes. Okay, when was the last time you lusted over someone? So besides your boyfriend. Who's like your celebrity crush or like ideal kind of guy? I think like Matthew McCona like years ago, but I don't have that many right now. I really don't. But Matthew McCona was the last

one. I was like, I love him. And then I met him once and I was like, why didn't he want to have sex with me? When he was married and stuff, I was like, I was so pissed. I was like, come on. It was like 10 years ago, 15, 15 years ago. Oh my God. Okay. To wrap this up, final question, what advice would you give to the little devils on how to cope with their hell when you're going through it when it's dark how do you get out of it oh i breathe i breathe deeply like i'll do 10 very deep breaths i got so cliche but i'm literally getting outside and going for walk helps calling a friend meditating breathing um getting in a hot sauna or like i have right here like that higher dose blanket thing do you know those oh yeah i'm obsessed but I literally crawl into that.

I calm my nervous system. And how I do that is usually like, yeah, nature, breath. Because that's what it is. So when I'm in hell, I breathe and I calm. And it's funny because you're like, I am already breathing. Why would I have to breathe? But it's like you really get into yourself when you're conscious of it. Yeah.

I have to say that people don't breathe correct. Most of us are shallow breathers. And if you learn to actually breathe deep where you're inhale, you breathe like count to five and your exhale is a little bit longer, maybe six or seven. and you do that 10 times or you do box breathing which is four in, four out, hold,

whatever, it's a whole. There's a great app. I can tell you about this. It changes your state and it will get you out of your health. Your emotional hell is to breathe. All you have to do is exist and breathe. Dr. Emily Morse,

you're freaking amazing. I could talk to you for hours because you're just a plethora of amazing information and you're so powerful and smart and sexy. Tell us where we can listen to you, follow you give me all the goods thank you so much for having you are wonderful too i love watching you and your ticot all the things hannah i'm so glad to connect you have to come do mine and tell me when you're in la you love to find me at sex with emily on all platforms um to see

instagram tictac social media is all sex with emily my podcast comes out twice a week you can subscribe wherever you get podcasts tuesdays and fridays and if you have any sex questions at all you can email me feedback at sex with emly dot com or do it through dms or wherever you can you find me. Yay. Thanks so much for listening. Talk to you guys later. Bye.