Berner Phone - Emily Morse: Boost Your Sex IQ & Be Smart In Bed

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

Emily Hope Morse is a sex therapist, author and media personality. She is the host of the long-running podcast Sex with Emily and she tells us how to have smarter sex! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning and heaven. That's the best way to do it. I know. I wouldn't have to butter you up. No, no. You were lubed up. I'm like, no fucking joke.

I'm always lubed up. I love lube. I can't talk. If I die and they're like, Dr. Emily Morris, known for putting a lube on every nightstand, I would so be okay. Because lube is the most underrated sex condiment there is. Do you think it's because the name lube sounds kind of stupid? Yeah, well, there's a...

Loub. All sex names are stupid, by the way. Yeah. But lube, even anal. You're like anal. Like, I like anal if it's not like anal. Loeb needs a new marketing team. Exactly.

It does. But you know why lube gets a bad rap is because, yes, it sounds terrible. However, it's because there's shame around you losing loob Because a dude is like, oh, I didn't turn her on enough So my dick was probably too small or something And she didn't get hot enough. And then the woman feels like, oh, if I have to use lube, then I'm broken. Yeah.

But the truth is is that when you add, first off, your wetness level, we're just going to get into it. Yes. Because your wetness level, here this is going to like maybe blows to people's mind is not an indicator of arousal. Meaning you could be really turned on and not wet. or you could be wet and not turn on. Oh, wow. Because our cycles different times a month.

I was about to say, yeah, definitely turned on, like, peeing. And then I'm just like, oh, I'm definitely ovulating because that is heaps of something in my underwear. Yeah, exactly. But then other two, heaps. You're like, don't need the loop today. But the thing I like about loob, it's kind of like sunscreen. Like, you know when it's cloudy out and you still cook at the suntant, that when you use lube, it's a safety measure.

And can you have enough lubricate? Can you ever be too wet? No, I don't think so. I mean, some people, okay, I used to say that. No, there are things that will get really wet. But it's like, loob will never hurt the experience. What do you think about the ones that smell kind of, they have like all these smells?

Like flavored loops. Yeah, the flavored loops. I like, um, system Joe lube. It's the only ones they like creme brulee. I'm going to give a plug because we just launched a marketplace on my website, sex withemly.com, that we've just been working on for like a really long time. Because after all these years, I was like, I just want to put my favorite products in one place.

Yes. And there's literally, okay, so let me talk about flavor of loop. It's so good for oral sex. There's one that tastes like creme brule, mint chocolate. And it's delicious that I literally have in my eyes and I'm like, I eat it. And then I'll give a good job. Yes, it tastes so good. I feel like sometimes if the lube doesn't smell that great, it's a weird, like, strawberry flavor.

It smells like I'm fucking a jewel. Like, is that mango? Yeah, exactly. Like you're fucking your rape. No, but no, there are some loo. I don't know what the smell. But, yeah, some smells could be bad, but these, the flavored ones are just delicious. I know that once I started using lube, it was like a game changer.

And I was definitely one of those people that was like, I don't need Lou. Well, right, this is what they say. I am, like, fertile and young and just slipping around. And it's like, let's be honest, you don't always want to have a 30-minute prep session to get ready. Yeah, it's like the sure thing. You just squirt out. And, like, finally, there have been studies that show when you add lube to any sexual situation, women are 80% more likely to orgasm.

So it's a feminist- slippery. It's a feminist organization. Exactly. Exactly. Right? And the reason we don't know that is because the patriarchy, so I just want everyone to. Wait, this is amazing. Okay, you guys, we have Dr. Emily Morse on the pod coming in strong with lube and communication. And I do,

I did have you on during COVID, like a while ago. I remember I was already, like, amazed that I somehow got you on the pod, but I just felt like the listeners were obsessed with. you and there's no one as educated and open and kind of that I get along with as well as you to speak on this so I'm so happy you're here and you've been new book out today yeah out right now this is the first like literally this is today like no one could get it till right now and now it's it's smart sex I think I have I have it already at home how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure I think when you say sex IQ it makes it more like something that you should know

Yeah, exactly. That was the point. I mean, so when I was writing the book, I was like, okay, I'm going to give you all my tips of 20 years is like my top tips. I've been doing my podcast for 18 years, believe it or not. I was like, oh, here's my tip. And then I realized, like, sex is not just about these tips. It's about your sexual, literally your sex IQ, which has never been done before,

never been talked about before. But much like emotional intelligence in the 90s where people were like, oh, I'm only smart if my SAT scores are high. It was like, no, do you have empathy? Do you have compassion? And with smart sex, it shows you that there's so many things that go into being a great lover. And it's not about how many people you slept with, how the size of your penis. It's not about your looks.

It's really about five pillars of sexual intelligence that I get into it into the book. But I, that's what it is. Like sex IQ and I also thought smart sex, like nobody wants to be dumb at sex, right? We want to all get better. It's kind of like, I'm always learning too. Sex for dummies. Yeah. But it's true.

I think about what we learned about in school. And I'm like, why did no one tell us to P. after sex in school. It was like this rumor going around. You might not be comfortable talking to your parents about it. And next thing you know, it burns when you pees. When you pees, it burns. When you peas, it burns.

So I also saw people were talking about a lot of, you dropped a lot of bombs, like beautiful bombs in this book. You mentioned, wait, I'm pulling up exactly. Meditate, masturbate, manifest. Yeah. The triple M. The triple M's. What in the hell is that?

Okay. So here's what it is. You already know how to meditate, right? We meditate, even if it's just for a few minutes a day. So this is why I love it. This is a practice that people can do to kind of get what they want in life. It's sort of a merging of your creative energy and your pleasure. So you can meditate, and it can be for three minutes, 10 deep breaths.

Because I don't want people to feel like it's another thing to do. Just meditate. And then we all know how to masturbate. I hope, but I am highly a huge fan of masturbation. And then at the moment of orgasm, I want you to manifest. Think about something that you want to happen, that as if it's already happening, it could be like your dream for your job, your relationship, your life. And what happens is that is the most potent magical energy that happens at that moment. It's like cultivating creative energy at the moment of pleasure is just bam.

You put it out there. And this shit works. And people were like, this was the New York Times the other day. They didn't interview with me. And there was all these comments like, that's magic. That's not real. And I'm like, our thoughts become a reality. Yeah. So if you think negative thoughts like sense, I'm prone to negative self-talk. And I just know that when I turn it around myself, talk, like, shit is so much better. So that's what meditate, masturbate manifest is. I'm obsessed with that. Really. Like, that's, if you're ever going to make something happen, why not like use your sexual energy, which is the most powerful potent energy? So I had heard about this in LA and I started to do a stand-up bit about it where I was like, I was like, that's crazy. I need to try it. And that when I'm about to come, I yell, I want my dad to love me. And then it gets really calm.

It's complicated and weird. But it's whatever you need in that moment. Hey, whatever works. A hundred percent. Right. I do. I'm like you. I'm actually so, so hard on myself.

And the second I realized that I don't have to be hard on myself and I could be nice to myself, it was like I found a cheat code. Like I was like, wait, you could walk around and not beat yourself up. How did you turn? Yeah. I think it's because it wasn't. sustainable anymore that it was like are we going to live like the rest of my life like this or can we just stop like I think I got tired that's why I think your 30s are so good you get tired you're like I don't have the effort to give myself like a whole spiel every morning about all the negative things going on in my life

no I think that is such a great and I love that you're you're sharing that because it's like I was like I have you to remember it you have to catch your thoughts and they have to realize like yeah they're not serving you it's exhausting and then you have to also think like I wouldn't talk to my friend like that like why are we talking to ourselves like that. But that's so liberating. So liberating to stop realizing. I like talking about mental stuff with you because sex is so integral. Yes. So your mind. And girls, I've been making this joke and I think it's been going on the internet, the concept of like, we either will come in two minutes or like two business days. Like, you know it starts and you're like, this is not going to happen? Exactly. What is the concept behind like when you're first

hooking up with a guy and he's like fingering you, getting to that place where you even feel comfortable? Yeah. No, it's such a good question. So, so first off, it is integral. The thing about sex is that it's like our brain is the largest sex organ, okay? Let's just be honest. Like, it's not about someone having the right moves and all these things. So that's what I also talk about in smart sex is like sexual intelligence is it mental, spiritual, psychological, all the things. So when it guys, you're saying when a guy's fingering you, what happens? Yeah, like when you're first in that moment, I know I get really in my head. Okay. And like, is my face looking weird? Okay. Am I sweating? Do I have any emails in my inbox? This is it. So we all, like I'd say one of the most top questions I get asked is how do I stay present and focus during sex? Because we're all worried about how do I look? What are they thinking?

And first I can tell you, and this might not, like, believe me that your partner is not thinking about the things that you're worried about at all. Like there's, I've never had a guy be like, I really liked her until I noticed that she had a nipple that was heading south. And that was so bizarre that I decided to end the relationship. Like, we worry about so many things. And so one of the things is being present with your pleasure. So I think when we can learn to be more, one of the pillars of sexual intelligence is being embodied. Like how in my body, am I actually feeling what is happening in the moment?

This person, if you can just learn, like, and one of the best tips that I can give you is when you find yourself wandering during sex like that, you're like, okay, this new guy's fingering me, how do I smell, how do I look? to go back to the five senses and so when you think about your five senses you're like okay what is it actually if your mind's going on a trip in you're like what am I feeling oh I'm feeling his finger inside me that actually feels good so that would be the feeling what am I what am I hearing okay I'm hearing that playlist what am I smelling I'm smelling the massage I'm selling the candle I was like light this vanilla candle so when you go through your senses and you ground in the

moment you can't be in the past and you can't be in the future because it's a presence so that to me is like how I, when my mind is going places, I just think, go back to them. What am I feeling? What am I feeling? I'm feeling his finger inside. Go back to that moment, you know? So out of thoughts and more into your feelings. Into your body. Do you feel like sexual compatibility is really important? Or can you like communicate yourself into being compatible with anyone? I love this question. Because I used to think like, okay, so this is like a multi-layered question. Yeah. And I'm going to say something here. If you don't have attraction ever, like if you were never attracted to the person.

Yeah. It was never great at the beginning. You didn't have the like honeymoon phase, but you're like, it was never that great and I want to know how to spice it up. That's tricky. You can't create it out of nowhere. Like, have you ever dated someone where you're like, they're really good on paper? I'm going to try to talk myself into it.

Yes. Same. Sometimes even just their pheromones, you're like, I don't, I can't put my finger on it. You got to listen to that. Like, you got to bail. Like that relationship is not going to work. But if you, like all relationships, over time, it's. starts to, it's not as hot as it was in the beginning. It's never going to be first off. It's

like the first two years of a relationship. It's really hot. Sex is great. And it can always be great, but it starts to just take a nose dive after a while. Sex always does. It's our biology. Then you can work on it. Then you can say, like, let's talk about sex. Let's talk about what turns us on. But I think it's hard to. But I also want to say this, is that the first time you're with someone, because I get asked us all the time. And I'll bet when you put on your Instagram, people are like, he was a bad kisser, so I dumped him. Or he was bad. bed the first time and I dumped him. That I think is if you had chemistry but things went awry, you're probably nervous. You'd never been together. Give them another chance. I agree. I've had like

first sex times where I think he was like very nervous or I was nervous and then like we calmed down and it got great. Yeah. But it's also yeah, you can't call people off too quickly. I also know that some people, though, like, I've gotten to situations where the guy's, like, super dominant or, like, super aggressive. And I might not be into that. I'm like, I don't want to be pushed around in the bedroom. So do you recommend being, like, communicate through that, or maybe he's not the right dude for you?

Communicate through that. So here's a thing. We all make assumptions. A lot of times based on our last part or, like, if some guy's dominant with these, like, my girlfriend love when I choked her. And he's with you choking. You're like, what the fuck are you doing? So this is why, like, everything I talk about, like, great.

Most of what I talk about in life is about communication. It's a lot of tips, but it's how do I communicate about my needs to a partner? Your partner is not a mind reader. They're not going to know what you want. And so you've got to communicate your way through it. And my tip is to do it outside the bedroom. Unless you're like hurting you. You're like, don't check me.

You can gently guide them. You can move their hand away. You can say that's, you know, kind of body language is huge. But I love the idea of talking about it when you're on a date, when you're just, yeah, not in the bedroom, but definitely talk about your needs. And also, this is not common. Like, most people don't talk about their sex life in a healthy way. Most people don't.

I would say, and I can say this, 99% of couples don't have healthy communications about sex, only because they don't know how. Yeah, because I feel like it's pretty much like you live your life and then the lights go off and you fucking wing it and then like goes back on and you're like, do anything to eat? Exactly. You're like, I'm just going to close my eyes, hope for the best. Like, hopefully we figure this shit out. And most people don't because it's so shrouded in mystery.

There's so much shame. There's so much embarrassment around sex. So a lot of what I do is I teach people, too, is like I actually give scripts in smart sex about how do you have those awkward conversations about sex. How do you say, like, this is what I need? What would you like? Like, how could we make this better? How could we make this hotter?

And, and again, if people are going, I don't even know, that's okay to not even know what you want. I think that the work I do in this book, but even with your part, you can figure it out together. We know more than we think. If you've had sex, you can think about what you liked about it and what you didn't like about it. So I help you kind of gather that information and then figure out how to explain that to a partner while while. It becomes fun after a while. Well, I was about to say, I think people are not coachable, but like if he tells me something he likes, I'm like, yes, I can do that because I can't read your mind. Right. We want the information. Don't you want

your partner to tell you? Like our partners, they want to know, but I have to tell you, when I started out. I didn't know. Like, partners used to say to me, what do you want? They say, like, does that feel good? And I'd say, yeah, whatever you're doing feels good. And then they'd say, well, what else do you want? I'm like, oh, you're good. Because I didn't know what I wanted. And so I had to go on, like, a journey of myself, which is why I started this career. I was like, what do I want in bed. So, but I do think the right partners are coachable. The right partners are like, hell, yes, thank you. Thank you. And most men, like, the vagina is the Rubik's Cube of Life. They're like, I do not know what to do with this thing.

So if you're like, hey, I want a finger inside. I don't want a finger inside. I want you to go slower. They're like, thank God. I did read something about advice where it said, when in doubt, go five times slower. Yeah, that's one of my top. Yeah. Go slow.

Slow. What do you think about that? No, I completely agree because I talk about sex a lot in my stand-up. And I do have this bit about like, because I was doing these college gigs and talking to women in their like teens and early 20s and I'm like oh no you guys are having really bad sex right now aren't you and they start laughing because I remember in my 20s because you don't know what you want he's jack hammering the shit out of you and you're just like this is sex and I think I can handle it I think it didn't break my pussy and you just assume or he's watched like porn where they're doing like wild stuff

what's your opinion on porn it's a disaster only because like no offense I do watch porn. I like porn, but porn without sex education is a disaster because we're like, let's have no sex education in schools, teach people nothing but fear like you might get pregnant or you might get an SDD or here's your ovaries. And then, but don't have sex and then go out and have sex and without, and then obviously it's porn. So with no education, or it's misleading information, it's fear-based.

And then you see porn and you're like, oh. Which is like W-W-E for sex. W.W.E for sex. You're like, that's not real. Thank you. It's not real. I actually want to do something where we're all watching porn together and I stop it. And I do like a ring and I'm like, that's not real. He's nowhere near her clitoris.

Like, she's not really squirting, you know. Okay, so my problem with porn is, and I've talked about this a lot in the pod because I'm on a porn journey where like I'm very, I self-actualized. Like I like to watch women in porn. Like I like to watch a girl who looks like me, even just her touching herself because it's like safe. We're like, when a guy's involved, I'm like, oh, no, she doesn't like that. Or I'll be like, I don't like that he did that, and I don't think she's liking it.

And then I'm in my head about that. And then I'm trying to watch it with my partner, but we're both comedians. So we're having so much trouble. It ruins the mood every time. Like, because we, something's awkward happening. We're looking at each other and we're like, so then, and then sometimes I joke with my friend that, like, I want to find the right porn. to watch together because I think a girl is attractive. Yeah.

But then it's like I don't want him to think she's too attractive because then I'm like, oh, we're both watching a girl who's like really hot. Right. That doesn't work in my like straight black and white monogamous minds of how I live every day. Yeah, that's tricky. It seems like dirty and crazy and I didn't think it through. I would think. Okay.

You know what? Have you ever watched any ethical porn like Balesa or people? I, yes, yes, that stuff is good. It's like, what I like about this porn, and ethical porn actually sounds so not hot. You're like, how you had me at porn, but then ethical, like, I'm out. It's not sexy. It just gets a buzzkill.

But the thing about ethical porn, it has real body types, like women actually getting pleasure in the way that we want to. It's not Jackhammer sex. Yes. And you find, like, different bodies, different ways that you might find something in there that's a little bit more. Yeah, I'll be watching porn. And then I'm like, oh, I didn't know that whole was.

It would, okay, Jesus crying. Then I'm, like, completely confused. But then my friend also said that guys have a different arousal than girls. Like, I want to see the lead up. I want to see the teasing. I want to see the mind. I want to plot. I want to see, are they into it where guys are like, just fast forward to when they come.

Right. They want the come shot. What I like about port, it's so true. That's what they want. Like, he's like fast forward and I'm like, absolutely not. My boyfriend does that too. He fast forward to it. I'm like, we got time.

I just want to see like semen coming out. out of a dick that doesn't, not hot. How am I going to come from that three seconds? Right. I want to know how she met the ski instructor that she's fucking. Like, how did they mean? Was she good in the lesson? Did she need his help? Was it cold? Right. Do they do black diamond? Like what happened? Show me everything. Right. I want, we want the pot. But that is how, this is how men and women are different. Many ways we are so the same. Like when I first started this, I was like, oh, we are very different. But no, we all like want similar things. But where it is different is that particular area where a lot of guys are like, I just want the cum shot and we kind of want more of a plot.

But it's funny because guys are watching men for that to see a man come. They're self-actualizing too. They are kind of sex. Yeah. They're not watching women masturbate. They want to see a dude have sex with a girl. Isn't that interesting? I guess so. Yeah. That is interesting. We're like I would rather just watch a girl. I just like watching girls. But that's common. Most, not most. It's common for women. Some of women's love watching other women have sex. they do like that's I think it's because it's the kind of sex that we want maybe when another woman's going down a woman like oh she knows the parts I think that we all like many of us like oral sex and we like attention being and it feels safe and soft and it's fun to watch women's bodies yeah I think it just feels non-threatening it's so nuanced and it's funny that you said the word ethical before because when I was going through your book you had a lot of stuff about like ethical open relationships what is ethical non-threatening? What is ethical non-pretingal? Ethical non-monogam? What's going on?

Okay, here's the thing. So I was actually late with smart sex getting it to my publisher because I realized at the last minute, I have to have a chapter on non-monogamy. I have to have a chapter on different kinds of relationships because, well, non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy has been around for a long time. There's definitely more interest in it right now. More people are being open, polyamorous, swinging, all the things. So ethical non-monogamy refers to.

to people in a relationship who decide that they're going to have other lovers, and it looks a lot of different ways. So it could be that you are a couple who's married or committed, but you have a partner that you have threesomes every once in a while, you know, and you have all these boundaries around it. Like you decide when the person, you know, when you're going to find the person, maybe you're in a thruple. Maybe you are in a polyamorous relationship, meaning that each one of you have other sexual partners, but you're each other's primary partner. Maybe you just go to sex parties, every play parties once a month or when you want to, and you're still open. So, and but there's a lot of misperception, misconceptions about ethical non-monogamy, and that is,

it's for people who want to spice it up. It's for people who, and that can't be further from the truth. Like, people who are having bad sex in their relationship do not jump into ethical non-monogamy. That is a fucking disaster. Like, let's just go bang someone else and see how that goes. It was like not going to go well. It's for couples who are like, we are so good and loving and connected and let's go for experiments sex with somebody else. Like that's what it is. So do you think that everyone can have this mindset or it's a certain type of person?

A certain type. It's not for everybody. But I think the reason why I'm talking about it is funny because I actually got a question this morning that said, I feel so bad that I don't think that non-monogamy is for me and everyone's doing it. I'm like, no, that is not. That's how I am. I'm like, why am I not gay?

And why do I want to have multiple partners? I've never had a three-sum. Exactly. Well, who knows? Who knows? Who knows? We're young. But it's more like, I think it's more like that monogamy doesn't work for a lot of people.

And it gives people permission to say like, okay, there are other ways to relationship than what society has deemed the only way to relationship. Which really, monogamy initially was set when women became the property of men, right? And it was all about like, yeah, property and women, owning women. And having a virgin, the whole thing. Right, exactly. But like we, but for other people who realize. Oh, is the patriarchy controlling my sex life? Yeah.

Yeah, they are. They are. So it's not feminist of me to be married right now. It's not what? It's not feminist and me to be married right now. It's feminist for you. You are such a feminist. To choose.

To choose. And to probably have a very equitable relationship. Do you think that there's a certain type of person that tends to go into ethical non-monogamy? Or is it you really see like a range? You see a range. You really do see a range. But I think it's people who are kind of like, you know what, I love my partner. This is their mindset.

Their mindset is that. And I don't know if this is like a personality type. I wouldn't break it down that way. Yeah, like I'm wondering is there like a specific like signs in the, in astrology that do it or like. Probably not. I mean, but I think it's more like people who are just very open sexually who are like, you know what? They can understand. There's something called compersion.

People in open relationships have this thing called compersion. And what it means is I, and these people, it's true, like, I take pleasure from seeing my partner of pleasure. Like, I, I, we have such great trust and communication that I love knowing that you went off and had this experience or we had a threesome and I loved, I loved watching this person go down on you. And I love, because you were so happy in an ecstasy that I wasn't jealous. Yeah.

I actually felt as joy from that. Yeah. And so, and it's not that people in open relationships don't have jealousy. They do. they learned to kind of work through it in a way that they talk about it. They're like, this made me jealous. And then it sort of becomes, you know, usually, because usually jealousy is a great, there's a great lesson in jealousy.

Yeah, I heard from my friend who's an open relationship previously on the pod, Ashley Gavin, that once they overcame, like, she basically said, hey, I met someone, and I actually had feelings for her, but I just want you know, and like, I'm not going to talk to her anymore. They worked through it, and she was like, it's the closest I've ever been. And then she also got to the concept of feelings, like, feelings is that dopamine hit that you get that I have with this person so why would I want to like start that over and complicate and lose this like comfortableness it's it's it's very complicated but in a fascinating way that like I love that we're thinking about it in a less

black and white way exactly that's exactly what it is it's still complicated but monogamy is complimentary for a lot of people people like am I supposed to have sex with one person for the rest of my life could I see sex as something like as something like as something that's just more like a sport, like some night. Like we went to a sex party at sex with other people tonight. Like we went to a sex with other people tonight. And then we went home to each other with out of motion. So a play party is a, we just did a great podcast.

If you go to sex with Emily, I think it's called what happens at a sex party. Something like that. Something sex party. And a play party is essentially where you have to get, be invited. It's typically couples and single women. Like it's, and there are gay ones and there's lesbians. but it's the ones that like that I'm talking to that I mean it's like more it's a little bit more hetero but you know like it's like a straight couple perhaps but again there's so many different

kinds but okay it depends on who you are but this is basically how they go down is this way no matter actually who you're fucking no pun intended yeah exactly there's a lot of going down it kind of here's a funny thing it starts like and I went to one recently so I can tell you it starts like a regular party where you and there's one called kinky rabbit which everyone can look up it's in L.A. if you want to like applied some of them are more exclusive than others. But you get an invitation. They vet you usually, like, because people are like, oh, great, there's going to be creepy

people. It is the most consensual place where you have to, like, be vetted. There's really strict rules. You're not just going up and, like, having sex with somebody. You are really asking permission. But anyway, it starts off, like, a regular party. So there's costumes, like the one I went to was, like, it was like dressed in laundry. It was like, what was the theme again?

Like a bedroom nightgown, sexy things. Which would make sense for a sex party. Another time was like a Valentine's Day one where, like, I don't know. even know. That was also lingerie. Okay. So I've been to a feel. But there's themes. But you get there and people are just talking, they're drinking or whatever. It's like a regular party. But then like after an hour, you're like, oh, are they having sex over there? Oh, there's like piles of bodies having sex or these people go off into this room and people are just sort of having like consensual sex with people that they've met at a party and then they go home with their partners. And for a lot of

couples, like I met and I was of course like interviewing people. They're like not on, I didn't in my mic but I was like so how long we've been together 20 years and our sex life was you know we realized we kind of wanted to explore and we like this one couple like flies in from London every month to go to this party in L.A. where that's the one time a month where they explore like I think she's with other women and he's with women too or couples have all different kinds of arrangements but basically it's a safe place where they can go live out fantasies or have other experiences and they go back home and it's isolated there and what's great for many couples is that they then use it as fodder They keep, that's their own porn.

They're like, oh, that was so hot, watching you with somebody else. And, or maybe just that one thing they need to kind of rekindle their own flame. But you're right. There is a separation of, like, entertainment and, like, a fun experience versus being, like, we're here to fall in love with people. But then, I mean, polyamory is also, okay. Polyamory is a little bit different. That's tricky. I mean, it's all tricky.

Like, I could go to play party and fall in love with someone. Yeah. You could be monogamous and fall in. You could walk into, like, Walgreens and fall in love with someone, too. So it's all, like, that could happen. And it does happen. It's true. But, yeah, Palli Amory is more like, I'm going on dates with people separate than my partner.

But a play party, I think, is a fun place for people to start. And it sounds like if everyone's on the same page, everyone's like, I'm here to have fun. No one's like, hey, do you want to leave your husband? Like, everyone is in that same mindset. Exactly. So it's like a, it must be a crazy energy. It is. It's crazy energy.

It's fun, though. It's really, really fun. Have you ever had any, like, awkward moments? I haven't. I've had fun experiences. I, like, I've played around at parties. Yeah. I didn't even talk about this in my podcast.

I'm not going to talk about my sex life on my podcast. But I'm going to talk about your podcast, Anna. Yeah, we play. My partner, I, like, had some fun. And it was, like, really hot. And you don't have to play if you don't want to. No. That's the other thing.

You do not have to have sex at a sex party. It's kind of like, what was I going to say? I was thinking about it. It's kind of like karaoke. Like, you get there. And you're like, should I not, you go to karaoke bar? You're like, I'm not going to sing. There's no fucking way.

I'm not saying, and then you're like, maybe I will. And then it's like, please give the mic to someone else. But then you're like, maybe I will. I think a sex party is like that. Like, you don't have to do care. You don't have to have sex, but you might want to. And if you don't, that's what I'm telling you, it's the most open. No one's like checking you out.

No one's making you feel bad because literally people are vetted. And if the party, like, vetted by meaning like they fill out of form, they signed a release. They have talks when they come in. It's like very, like, consensual. There's condoms everywhere and people are just sort of. there for the same reason to, like, have a good time and rub their nerve endings up against each other. I have to ask you, I love that. I have to ask you the, like, thing that was going around on TikTok, where people were getting all worked up about body counts.

And obviously, you know, I asked dudes on the street, but what is your opinion on this day and age people still talking about body counts and how it matters for a woman versus man? I don't punch a wall Someone accidentally sent me something And some guy was literally still using the metaphor Being like about the key in the hole I don't know the metaphor They were like well A key is a master lock and could open everything

That's what you want But you don't want a lock that can be opened by everything Oh god It's like And then I got stuck on YouTube and the guy was like Yeah like that's just a fact And But what's so funny is like I could like

lie to your face and be like one and you would never know no i don't think we should yeah exactly well yes also people having sex with one person can have way more sex than someone who had sex with four different people in a month yeah i mean exactly also i'm 31 like what do you want me to be hiding in a corner for 31 years right exactly people are so judgey about this and this is actually i'm glad you brought this up because this is why literally i wrote this book smart sex because smart sex and the is not about You are not good in bed or having great sex because you slept with so many people. That does not give you, make you a great lover. And it doesn't make you bad at sex if you've had a lot of sex.

I'm so glad you said that because I hear from so many women. And even last night I was at an event and a woman sent to me like, I'm so nervous because I'm dating a guy and he has more experience than I do. That doesn't matter. Every time you have sex with somebody, you have the opportunity to create a sexual experience with that person starting where you're at. It's not like you're like, well, I've got this move. I'm going to bring in because I've been with so many people.

And this is my, I'm telling you, I've been with the guy who's been with hundreds of women. He was not my best lover, pounding. That just means he could, like, stick his dick in a lot of holes. It does not mean that he was, because what a great lover is, they are attentive, they listen, they ask questions, they pay attention to what you want, they remember, they care about your desires. You could create that with any person.

It is not about the number. That's the same thing just with people in general. People would be like, oh, this is a high value man or a high value woman. Like, it's about chemistry between two people. I don't go fuck what college you went to. Exactly. That's not going to make me come. Exactly.

That is not. Right. I don't want. Absolutely not. No. And even I've heard porn stars speak about, like, they'll feel like guys get nervous when they have sex. I'm like, oh, she's a porn star. I better have some crazy moves.

And she's like, I just want you to see me. Yeah. I think we all, exactly. And connect with me and like, yeah, know what I want and listen to me. That's what we all want. That's exactly it. We want to be seen. We want somebody to look into our eyes sometimes, to, like, ravish us to pay attention.

I think we all want pleasure and to be seen. And, yeah, I mean, porn stars, too. Point stars are people too. They're not. And I get that, too. People are like, what is it like when guys sleep with you? Like, they must be intimidated or whatever. I'm like, I am not, like, swinging from the rappers.

I am not like. It's okay if you're into that. Sometimes maybe, but I'm just like, I just want it. I just envision. I just envision to do like Tarzan and be like, like, I'm coming in. With, like, dildos hanging from my body. And, like, I got, like, a tool belt with, like, loop on one side. You're, like, where'd you get that vine?

Exactly. Maybe every once in a while it'll be hot. But, no, like, there's a lot of pressure on sex and what it should be. And, yeah, the body count thing. Even the name body count is, like, so negative. You're like, I'm not murdering people. Exactly. Like, it's not a bad thing.

And let me just tell you, this might come help. This might be helpful for people because I don't think that Arca, I wish, and I know you've a lot of listeners and people who love you and listen to your show. Unfortunately, I think that people are always going to judge on the number of people you stop with because this has come up for years. But I also wanted to let people know that you don't have to answer the question. Yes. And I did not know that. I was like, oh, if someone asks, you got to do it. My thing is I actually don't know.

Like, I wasn't keeping track. Right. Like, what, did I have an Excel doc? No. Also, there's those moments where you're like, what's that same? Right, exactly. To find sex for me. I'm not counting that guy.

Exactly. That was half in and then it didn't work. Like, I'm not putting that on my count. I actually, yeah, I don't have a list. I couldn't tell you. And I've been joking with my friend. I'm like, you ever forget if you fucks a guy or not? I do.

I do all. Because I'm about the games, you know? I'm like, oh, and I'm like, did we end up? Or how did that end? I don't even know. I've run into guys. I'm like, did we have sex? And then you feel bad because if you did, he's like, oh, great.

God, it was that good. And then if you... But it's like, yeah, I'm not fucking keeping track. I don't... I'm not like in a jail cell counting the days of people I murdered. So, also, for the straight listeners. there's, you know, this big orgasm gap. Is there a way for girlies to communicate to have more orgasms in this?

Because let's be honest, we can have multiple orgasms. They can't. Yeah, they can't. How do you organize this, you know, 10, 20, 30 minute thing we're doing in bed? Because if you get him too early, it's like he'll do it, but you're like, because after your men come, they're like, they can't even form a sentence. Yeah, exactly. eating pizza. Exactly. Like something. They like roll over like sports center and then they're done. You're like, where's my orgasm?

Yeah. Or if you come once, it's like, that's not really enough. Right. For us, yeah. Well, women, this is the thing. This is, I teach this to women all the time. Like, we have this amazing refractory period. So men, they have a, so refractory period means the time after orgasm that you can come again. For men, it's a lot longer. Like, it's not as easy for men to come twice. But for women, we are like built for orgasm. And just because you haven't, like, I hadn't had multiple orgasms until I really started, just made this my life work. Wow. I was like faking orgasms. I was 35, too, just so you know, like I didn't, this was like my second career. So I really just was like faking them, didn't, didn't know out of orgasm. But the orgasm gap is real. So let's just explain what that is for a minute because, like, first off, yes,

we can have multiple orgasms. And the gap refers to this. They refers to two things that I just think that people need to understand because it is something that we can, and to be aware of it so we can close the gap. The first thing is that in, and there have been many studies on this, that in most situations, a heterose... Well, really, no, no. Any man, most men are going to orgasm. Like, nine

and a half out of ten men will have an orgasm in most situations. Straight women, it's like 60, 40 to 60 percent. Lesbian couples much higher. Yeah, they're coming. Because they know the parts. They're coming. Like, of course I'm coming. I come, you come. We're all going to come. But in...

Well, we don't because... I joke. I'd get a U-Haul, too, if I just couldn't stop coming with someone. Exactly. Exactly. You're like, this is I'm in. I know the parts. We're in. Like, oh, my God. I love it. So, but with straight, so that's the gap. And then also, the other gap is that for the majority of men, they're going to come in between, like, eight. And people are, there's always a dispute in this, like, eight to ten minutes, let's say, a man's going to orgasm. For women, on average, it's between 20 and 40 minutes. So therein lies the gap that you refer to to do. The math is not mathing. So this is what

you got to do. First off, there was like one of the best sex books I think that was. written. Besides mine, of course, it's called, She Comes First. It was by Ian Kerner, came out like 20 years ago. And just that notion of like, I know I'm going to get there, but let me make sure that I can get her there, right? So oral sex, a majority of women are going to orgasm from a mouth or toys or fingers and not necessarily from a penis at all. So if you're with, and I'm not saying that there are many that can. I mean, 20% of women, 25 can orgasm during penetration. It's so interesting that we have the same bodies with the same sexual organs, but some women come in different ways.

Like, that's wild. It is wild. We all come in, exactly. And the way we come the most, no one tells us about. I know. We come the, right, no one, because I don't want to say the patriarch again because that's like three times in one interview. We could blame them on everything. Because I'm so not like that.

And like half my audience is men too, like on my podcast. And I love men. I mean, just. I'm not our self-aware. They know what they did. They are. They do what they did. Some do.

But yeah, I mean, I'm telling you, we need to know about all of these things. Wait, well, what did you say? I just got sad to. We were talking about how women have orgasms, mostly like toys and mouth and clit. Okay, because, because, because since the beginning of time that we can remember, fucking sex is based on penetration because penetration leads to babies, procreation. And so if you, we are, like, religion has dictated a lot of our laws. And so if you think sex is only supposed to happen for procreation, that we think any other kind of sex is wrong.

So we focus on it, penis goes in vagina, PV sex, as we call it in the business, that is the only kind of sex. But here we are saying that women don't realize. I mean, I felt so broken for so many years that I was not orgasming from Jackhammer sex because that's the only sex I was having. And I wasn't even – sometimes I wouldn't feel anything. I got kind of numb. And it was like because I realized that a lot of the magic starts on the outside. Like our vulvas is where, and that's the external party of your vagina, where the clitoris is, there's all these nerve endings. Go five times slower, warm her up, use your mouth, get her to play with her nipples.

Like, we are covered in nerve endings. And then that's why foreplay is not just a suggestion. It's actually like a requirement for us. Do you think Gurley should make it a rule that before they have sex, he should make you come? I just say like a rule, but I think consciousness. an intention that I'm not just because girlies like me too I did this for a lot I was like oh we're having sex I'm gonna give you a blow job right it was all about the blow job blow jobs get the best press or conalingis which is terrible girl like a lot of people don't know carnalingis anymore that term which is oral sex at a woman terrible press yeah like oh it's gonna smell and we are our own world enemies he's going down to us we're like it's taking too long do I smell does he really want to do it right like yeah let me just give you a blow job yeah So that's what happened. We see it in movies, whatever.

We have not glorified oral sex, and I'm here to say, and so then guys don't do it. So I think that what girlies can do is that. Jay Khalid was saying he doesn't like it. That's huge publicity. That was huge. But people went out for him. I remember I was so angry that day. I was so fucking pissed when he was like, oh, what do you say?

And this was like, I don't go down to my wife. Yeah. And like, I don't like it or something. I don't like it or it's whatever. But I'm telling you. But also it's on us and a lot of in smart sex I talk about in the oral sex chapter about learning to receive too because there's a lot of women who are like

I don't even want to receive because I have shame about my parts because I feel like he doesn't want to do it. So really, I think having the intention being with a partner who you know wants to please you and if you're a guy with a woman I'm telling you my best advice for you

is to say to her when you're going down on her relax I'm not going anywhere we have all night. Yes. And then you can tell her how good she smells,

how good she tastes, lay back, and then she's going to be able to relax into her body and truly receive. Because there's a lot of women are like, I don't like it, I can't do it. So especially younger women, I want to say, but it's actually a lot, all women. Do you think talking during sex is helpful? Like, like just about what you want. Dirty talk? I love Dirty talk.

Yeah. I think for some, again, it could be whatever turns people on. Yeah. I think dirty talk is really, really hot. I think that talking about, like, giving constructive. criticism during sex is not helpful like like think like unless you're in pain be like that hurts like out but you could like guide right i gently guide for sure a gentle guide no gentle guy is very very helpful for sure but but i think you go weak yeah that's what you got like what are you doing

there or if it turns him on i could see he wants to be like that after all these years this is all you're going to do yeah exactly you want to criticize him in the bedroom most most constructive sex talks should happen outside the bedroom. Yeah. But definitely in the bedroom guide. Show them what you like. Reenforce. That's the other thing.

Reenforce. But that was great sex last night. This is what we got to encourage people to do. A high five. Play by play. A high five. I've done that with my part. I'm like, that was frigging awesome.

And it takes two to tango. Yeah. And I do feel like, yeah, you're not just like watching him waiting to see what he does. Like you guys are doing this thing together. But I know with myself, TMI, the sex feels better if I orgasm before it. Yes. Absolutely. The penetration feels better. And I think it feels better for him too. Yeah. Because I'm like ready to go. Can you and you can orgasm again? Sometimes. I prefer. I can orgasm again, but it's penetration is not my thing. Yeah. I never was. I mean, I probably could like focus harder. There's another thing I need to do list. I could probably meditate on that. You've got a lot of skills. It's okay. I'm a little bit. But I find together is good together. But that I discover by myself.

what together that penetration and like toy and clitoral yes clitoral yes but that's way too many moving pieces to like have a guy experiment with you for like in when I was young yeah I think we have to normalize vibrators in clitoral stimulation because that is where the magic is I just have to tell you that that that externally is where women the majority of women are going to orgasm and even the women who can orgasm during penetration it's because usually they're grinding their pelvic bone against, like, if they're on top, which is also the position. So it's not penetrating. No, it's not. Think about it. Like, if the penis is going inside to the back of the vagina, that's not going to feel good. But if there's some rubbing, so if you're on top and you're, like,

rubbing and grinding your pelvic floor on it, that's what can feel great. And there's also studies that show that the women who can orgasm during penetration, there's, like, a study research that shows that their clitoris is closer to their vaginal opening. And if you're clitoris, the closer it is to your vaginal opening, which simply means your clitoral nerves are being rubbed. So you're having a clitoral. Yeah, it's literally the way you're born. Penetration orgasm. That's what it is. Wow. And you can't tell just by looking at it, probably. Unfortunately, no. Sorry, guys. But you'll know. You'll feel it. You'll feel it. I, so I'm all, I really am so obsessed with sexual education. I've been doing this thing where I'm asking guys the shape of a clitor is. Oh, I see you on the street.

Oh, yeah, the street stuff. I'll do this street stuff. Thank you. But it's, it's so funny to me because these are like, smart like successful people and we'll bring people on stage sometimes during giggly squad shows and ask married men like about clitoris and I know because when I was 18 and I learned the shape of a clitoris I was like wait I did not know that and I'm a woman yeah yeah so the amount of men it's like it's not embarrassing it's like now you know the more you know and because people think the shape of it is just like a circle or something they think it's like this little tiny bud yeah it is a wish bone like literally the clitoris is this little bud but then it has 12,000 nerve endings.

That extent, let me just, a circumcised penis has 4,000. Wow. We have three times the amount of nerve endings. And so it is that little bud, but if you look at it this way, I wish I about my vulva puppet. Usually I have it with me. I have a vulva puppet. Did I use it last time we talked, maybe on our Zoom?

I probably did. I always like whip it out, but I didn't bring it to New York, but I, but I should have. She's in L.A. I live in L.A. and I forgot my friggin' vulva puppet. I'm so mad. Can we pull it up on the screen? No, because it's like, I need to show you. I'll pop it up on the screen.

Okay. So here's your question. But then it has legs. The clitoris has legs. So you know when you rub the labia, which is the lips, sometimes that can feel good too with a light touch? It's because you are stroking the legs of the clitoris. It's going deep inside of us.

Yeah. We got to know that shit. Yes, and that's why you could go like side to side and it hits something. Exactly. The Kiven method. That's also in my book. That is a top oral sex move. That's a thigh to thigh.

A thigh-to-thigh movement, you are hitting more nerve endings rather than up, up and down. And I think if guys got, like, nerdy with this, it would be cool. I love a nerdy sex guy. Yeah, like, get cool. Get into it. Like, it's a video game that you have to figure out. Exactly. And you're on this journey instead of just kind of being, like, I'm tall.

Yeah. I'm tall. Exactly. I'm tall. I'm going to get laid no matter what. And, like, it doesn't mean that it's good sex. And we can, the good thing about, though, why I wrote this book, too, smart sex is because it doesn't mean like you don't get to a point first off we're like I won the awards I'm smart

at sex now I can learn to like play golf or cook you're not like I'm a magician now you come you come you come exactly it's not so much like that but it's more like we can actually learn like sex is a skill set just like everything we do that we do in life that we're good at that we enjoy we had to work at you can learn how to be a great lover and most of us again my heart goes out like even the jackhammer guys like they don't know any better They watched porn. And women, to be honest, I didn't say anything when I was 18. I was like, this must be it.

Like, when is this going to be over? Like, but this must, you know, but I didn't think it was okay to speak up. And so we, they don't know either, but it's on us, too, to like say, hey, I'm learning something. I was listening to Hannah's podcast and actually, because I know it's hard for people to talk about it and just say, I would, would you love to blame us? Blame us. I say that all the time, like, blame me, say like sex with family, Hannah Burner said that we actually probably could have a lot to learn. have a lot to learn here. I also love that you brought up vibrators because the first person who ever gave me a

vibrator was a girlfriend because, like, I was too nervous about it. And she, for whatever reason, was comfortable enough to be like, you're a woman now. And then I, one of my other friends, I gave her a vibrator. And after she, that was her permission to, like, start, like, I'm not freaky. My friend gave it to me. It's my friend. She's crazy. Let's try it.

And then now she cannot have sex without it. So I almost feel like we have to have like a national holiday where you get your girlie a vibrator. Absolutely. Like buy your friend a vibrator. I think it's a great gift. Because if a guy gets it for you, you're like, okay, creepy. Unless you guys talk about it ahead of time. Unless it's like.

But I love that idea. I mean, it's funny because I do that anyway. Like if you had me, this is what I do. Like if you had a dinner party or if you invite me dinner party, hopefully we'll hang out, I will bring you, I will bring people. I don't bring wine. I bring a bottle of loob. Yes. I bring a sex toy.

And if it's a baby shower, I bring this rubber ducky sex toy that goes in the shower that looks like a rubber ducky and a sex toy. Because people don't do it enough, but I love the idea of gifting pleasure. Yes. You're literally saying, I love our friendship. I want you to have more orgasms, which is the best idea. To this day, my friend and I will talk about it. She's like, remember when you got me? It was like a little, it was like a pepper.

It was like a cute pepper. And then I got her one that was like a lipstick. And she thought it was so cool. That's so cool. There are lipstick vibes. Yeah, it's true. I love that you did that. I mean, I think, like, just take the shame out of it.

It was literally like Starbucks, like, when you, like, buy for the person behind you. Like, that's how I think the girlies have to do it. I love this idea. Should we do it, like, National Vibrator Day? I think there needs to be like a buyer bestie of vibe or something. We'll come. We'll talk to the marketing teams. Okay, let's do it.

Let's talk to our marketing teams. And we could maybe do it. And we'll do it. Yeah. I would love that. Let's do it. People talk to my friends. I always want to go, exactly.

I always want to go cross country on a bus and have like a lube dispenser on the back and just, like, throw toys out the window and be like, this is the Sex with America tour. And I just want to hand out vibes. Do you want to do that? Do you go on a bus for your comedy tours? I don't. People don't go on buses anymore. Because you have to like, it's a lot of logistics. Yeah. But I love a bus. I would do it. I could sleep anywhere. Yeah, same. I get in a bus. So you've been doing this for 20 years. Yeah. How did you have the balls, no pun intended, to do this and not have people say, look at that sex-talking slut?

It's a great question. And I think I didn't, I honestly have never been that obsessed with what people think of me. In other ways I do, I'm like, oh shit, I didn't call that person back, are they mad at me? But with this shit, I don't worry about. I'm like, fuck it.

Because once I started getting into the business of pleasure, once I started like realizing like, oh my God, women need to know. It was like what you're saying, like, I can't believe we didn't know. I couldn't stop talking about sex with everybody that I didn't. even fucking care. I was like, you can come after me all you want.

Like, did you know? People coming after you are not coming? Exactly. If you're coming, if you're judging me about sex and you're judging myself and you think it's a terrible thing and it's sinful, like you're not, yeah, you need to be having a lot more pleasure. And I just, I don't see, I didn't, I really didn't even think about it because I was so, you know, when you, when you were, it's like, I was in the zone. I was like, this is change the world. You felt like you found your path. I found my path. You know what it's like when you felt, Like you probably feel this way when you do like your sets or your comedy and you're like, I know. I knew the first podcast that this is talking about sex that this is my career.

Like I felt like this is the one. I'm in. I love it so much because I'll do like influencing and stuff and sexual wellness companies will reach out with vibes or lube. And I remember other girls being like I would never do partnerships like that. But I remember when I'd read the brief, I'd be like, this is educating women. I'm like, this is sexual health. Sexual health. I'm not just like selling.

dildos in a way to be like, I don't know what they thought it was, but I was like, this is helping more than that T-shirt you're promoting. Exactly. And do you realize this was probably only five years ago, right? It was still shameful a little bit. And I started like, I'd say four or five years ago. Yeah. It was like, oh, even my agent was like, oh, no, like no one's going to, you know,

you got to change the name of your show. I was like, no one, you'll never get a sponsor. Yeah. Like I was with a big agency and they were like, oh, yeah, like we love it, sex with Emily. That's really cute. But you'll never get a sponsor, right? you'll never get out there. I mean, it was different in 2005 for sure than it is now. And you wanted to keep sex? Because you could have said pleasure. You could have said you wanted to just be like,

I wanted to keep sex with Emily. Like I wanted to be like, this is what it is. I mean, not really set people. Like it's, yeah, it's just literally I thought I would get, you know, definitely get people's attention. But also, I just knew. And I knew that right away, you know, when you get, I got great responses from people and they had questions. And I knew that I wasn't alone. Because at the beginning, I wasn't the expert. I went back to school and got my doctor. Early on, I was just like learning with everybody and it was like oh my god people were like i'm my first orgasm now and i'm learning so well you are doing so many amazing things for this planet for pleasure for everybody i highly recommend you guys go read her this what number book are you on this is my second book your second

your second book smart sex doctor emily morse where can people follow you get the book give me the tea okay you can find me sex with emily everywhere sex with emily dot com we have a new marketplace we just launched with all of my favorite toys. Sex with Emily and Social Media. My podcast is Sex with Emily. We released two episodes a week, and you can buy the book wherever you buy books, Smart Sex.

Yay. Thanks much for coming. I'll talk to you later. Bye.