Berner Phone - Episode #129: Craziest Things You've Done For Love

Episode Date: February 16, 2026

This week, Des and Chris are joined by Ali Kolbert reacting to the most unhinged things that the dialers have done for love! Ali is currently on the road with Hannah so check them out at a show and see all of their dates below Get tickets to see Hannah on tour here. Get tickets to see Des on tour here. Get tickets to see Ali here.

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, everybody, and welcome to special episode of Burner Phone. First time guest on the pod, Ali Colbert. Welcome. What up?

So happy to be here. Des, you look tan. I am a bit tan, but I also. feel like this current lighting is making me look tanner than it is. You look great. Well, I was walking around the streets of Mexico yesterday, catching some rays.

So I probably caught some things. But let's not forget, Chris, who's been holding down the pod with me the last few weeks? Hello, hello. The mighty Chris legend. We didn't forget about you, Chris. Cannot say that I'm tan out here in New York.

You are not, tan. If anything, you look anemic, Chris. I may need to get tested. If I had health insurance that allowed me to go to the doctor, I would totally go check them. Totally. Same. He's going to keep brightened it out for now. He's getting that a lot, actually, from, you know,

it's just that you're not lighting yourself very flatteringly. Okay, not too much on the studio lighting, dude. Yeah. I'd rather be pale and ghostly. But you're backlit, Chris. You're back. Yeah, that's true. It's a bit atmospheric, I would say.

Chris. Like, it's kind of like you're sitting by the fire telling stories. That's the vibe. I wanted to be control room vibes. I like it. We don't use the video, by the way, Allie, just in case you remember it. Anyway, also, we we're going to cut some clips on this one.

Oh, we might cut some clips. You look great. That's very good to know. Thank you. Yeah. Also, just to say to the dialers, there is today a slight delay. So at any time, if people want a message and be like, I just, well, I didn't think there was like a good connection between them.

It was actually like the Wi-Fi connection and not any lack of spontaneous banter. You guys, I've known Des longer than Hannah has known Des. And I will say a lot of lesbians are attracted to Des. And there is, Des, are you joking? We've talked about this. The only thing we discussed, I feel is that Taylor Strecker's wife,

and then one funny conversation I had with you with one of your exes, I think we did discuss that a little bit. That's right. I just think that's like, that's enough lesbians to prove something that I think Des has some sort of magnetic pull over the Dyke community.

Interesting, because I don't know what it is. You know what? I tell you what it is because a lot of people... I wish they looked like you, Des. Because a lot of people jokingly in my comments say, I thought that was Ellen DeGeneres. So whatever about the fact that people have gone off Ellen DeGeneres, I think I look like what a lesbian wants to look like when they're 50 years old. That's exactly right. I'm aspirational.

You look like a lesbian that aged incredibly well. Yeah. Well, listen, bring it on, you know. I actually did. I had, did we ever talk about this, Chris on the pod? I had an incident with a lesbian couple once. I don't think so.

Okay, so it was very funny. It was that myself and a friend of mine, I won't name him, but we wanted to go out on a Sunday night. So I have a friend, he's a comedy promoter, but he's also very gay and promotes gay nights. So I was like, what's good on a Sunday? What's good on a Sunday?

I wasn't specifically looking for like a gay club, but he said, oh, I run this great night. I would love you to come. It's awesome, right? So myself and my friend went, and it was awesome. We were having the time of our lives. But very early on in the night,

this lesbian couple, one of them was a guard of Chiarcano, which is an Irish police person. And the other one I can't remember. But anyway, they were, they kind of like latched on to us, right? And we hung out with them all night, and they were so.

much fun and they invited us back to their place and both of them wanted to fool around with me, but one of them was like way more into it than the other. Yeah. So at the beginning it was kind of fun and silly and there was a little bit of fooling around, making out and stuff. And then one of them was like trying to push it to the next level and the other one there was like, no, I'm sorry, I can't. Like, and the situation was a, it wasn't awkward, but it was just like, all right, let's just not, you know.

What, but what a compliment? I, listen, I was like, I was like, I knew it. I knew I had it in me. I knew it. Yeah. Why? It must have been like the more femme one wanted more of you. And then the right gear one was like, all right, enough now.

Yeah. I think, I feel like one of them was just like, like a mega fan, really. Oh, okay, that probably played into it. I think there was a little bit of fandom going on. But, you know, if Hannah was here, you know, with Hannah, I, uh, I withhold too many sort of like other women's stories. But in this situation... I was just thinking you wouldn't say this story of Hannah was on the pod.

And I was also thinking simultaneously how Hannah also has a pull with the lesbian community. Oh, I, I, we know this. And I think it's a great thing that she has it. and she's in with the lesbian illuminati of, you know, the sports people that she's in with. And I think it's cool. Lesbians make good friends to straight women because they're not competing with them in the same way that straight women want to kill each other. Right. Yeah, interesting. Because I, one of my closest friends in comedy is a lesbian comedian, Ursula Carlson.

And we do have the mighty banter with each other. I do think lesbians actually make good friends. You know, like, obviously ones that like... Believe it or not. If you feed them. Yeah. But it's similar with men. It's similar with men, too, like in the sense that you say, oh, you're, the lesbians aren't competing with the straight woman.

But there's also like a lack of tension with a lesbian female friend. There's no, there's no like sexual tension. Totally. I mean, a lot of my closest, most of my closest friends are straight guys. Really? Almost all of them. Interesting. My friends are straight guys because we talk about pussy, we talk about money.

I'm sure the burner listeners are going to love this. And then my straight girlfriends, I just like hype them up. I'm like, you guys are so hot. Kill it. Right, right. Yeah, because that's, Ursula and I, that is our banter. We're quite inappropriate, but, you know, like we, I talk with. It's not the room talk. Yeah, you know, we talk.

I don't say to my female friends the word pussy ever. I know, I know. With Ursula, no, but Ursula, I would say it the way you just said it. Like we are comfortable having that conversation. And we once went to a strip club together. Wow. You know what? We should be hanging out more, does.

So Ursula and I have actually, we wrote like an actual, like, you know, a TV show that didn't get picked up. but there is a scene in it that was based on a real scene because Erzl and I went to a strip club in Melbourne and we got to dance together. And sitting down. That is unbelievable. Very economical. Yeah, we weren't into it together.

It was just we were saving money. Yeah. No, it was just funny because, like, for most of it, we were both kind of like, wow, this is probably the line. Like, we weren't, like, we weren't comfortable. like properly getting into it, but we did have a good time. And the stripper, I guess, the dancer, was getting a real kick out of it too.

And the three of us were really just like having a laugh, but it definitely wasn't sexy, you know? Yeah. No, that's a buddy comedy. And that's what this thing was supposed to be, actually, was it was a buddy comedy, but it didn't happen. But anyway, we've gone down a road there. You told me before we started recording that you needed to talk about Hannah, which makes it sound serious.

It's not serious, but I will say that, like, when Hannah hasn't been in your custody over the last few months and she's been on the road and I've been with her, I've spent a significant amount of time with your wife. And I am telling you, she has such a bad memory. I got... Oh, I know. I don't know if you feel this way.

I got to a point with her this morning where I was like, you have to get an MRI. she does not does this woman does not remember anything she's repeating stories to me this is early onset okay and I'm telling her stuff

she's saying stuff to me does I can't even believe she doesn't remember she told me she like she told me in all notes you look down there did you have notes about Hannah's got she told me in all seriousness today she was like oh my God I can't wait for you to meet my

Nana. I've met her Nana four times. Wow. With her. Hannah, like, we need to get her, like, magnesium supplement. Something for Hannah's cognition. Right. I mean. She said you appreciate that. Well, yes, because I honestly, you want to know the truth? I don't, I don't think it's like a memory problem. I think it's like a focus problem. Like, there's just always like a thousand things going on in her mind. and I think like she doesn't, she doesn't stay in the moment enough some of the time to, I mean, obviously we could joke and say because. I would be relieved to know that. Yeah, I would think so.

Because like we have, Hannah and I, we don't talk about our relationship that much on burn a phone, but like we will have times where like something will have been like, what's the word, like set in stone in terms of like who's doing what, right? And then I'll be like, did you do that thing? And she'll be like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, what you say, you know? And then she'll get like mad at me being like, why did you think I would do that? It's like only because you said that you were going to do it.

Yeah, she doesn't remember. Well, feel free to cut this if people want to talk about it. But no, I know. That we're having fun. I love spending time with Hannah. And we are, we are now like sisters. We can communicate without even a word. Yeah.

And I mean, I guess on some level, you guys could definitely pass his sister, certainly cousins. You know. Definitely. At least. Similar. Similar coloring. Yes. Yeah. We're in D.C. right now. But, you know, she's a hard worker, you know. I'm a lucky man in that.

Lucky man in that respect. Workaholic. Workaholic. She is always hustling. Even in our car rides between cities, she's just like, do you want to talk about? I'm like, oh, my God. You don't even take a second. But that's why she forgets things because she doesn't like let any of the information settle, you know?

She's always. she's always stirring it up and never settles in the glass. So anyway, let's not focus. Let's not focus too much on Hannah. Happy Valentine's Day, Allie. Happy Valentine's Day, Des. Yes. Happy Valentine's Day, guys.

Sorry, Chris, we didn't happy Valentine's Day, you. Wait, guys, I'm coming for it. No problem. Ali has gotten up to, let's keep rolling here. Chris, you had disengaged there physically. I was making a mark for something later. A note. Oh, okay, good man.

Wow, Chris is on it. Live production, baby. Wow, well done. I just want you to know, in case we're going to continue rolling this in the episode, I'm going to start off hot again. Well, there's nothing actually, nothing in the list, I feel. You've got support in the Spotify comments, Chris, for your hot start. Yeah, I want to keep it.

And listen, we love the Spotify comments, but, you know, there's a couple of negative nancies in there last couple of weeks. And you're more than welcome negative nancy's, but that isn't the vibe of the Spotify comments. However, if you're looking to be a negative Nancy, we highly recommend that you comment in the Apple podcast comments, which we don't look at,

and it's a very safe space to be a dick. So you can head over to the... And actually, I don't push the Apple enough because I'm not actually specifically telling people to listen on Spotify. I'm actually telling people to just leave Spotify comments because it's just a way to comment specifically on the episode,

but we really, and I actually listen on Apple myself. Not to this, just a podcast in general. But if you're an Apple person, leave a comment, like, all that stuff, subscribe because it does help the pod. So now that Ali's back. So for Valentine's Day, even though this will be going out tomorrow, we are prompt today is what's the craziest thing you did for love? So you and Hannah actually came up with this, you and Hannah actually came up with this in the car on the way. to Washington, D.C. So this is a Hannah-inspired prompt

for our special guest, Ali Colbert. You know how it works here, right, Allie? I know brief, we get calls, right? We have voicemails. Oh, actually, I just thought of a funny thing in relation to what you said earlier about lesbians liking me. Yeah.

So at Hannah's Netflix launch, you were with your ex. And I actually realized there was a tell there was a giveaway right which was we were having the banter and there was like you know that flirty moment where you guys were doing the lesbians think you're hot thing and uh she was going along with it and then me and you were continuing with our usual banter which went i guess a little far for her and then she like disengaged in a way that made me go she's she's not comfortable with this which now in hindsight we know that she's that she's

She went back to Straitville and she's dating a man. She's dating a man. She's dating a man. It was a tell as you nailed. You kind of, you've always had your finger on the pulse with her. She couldn't have the banter because suddenly she was like, oh, are we trying to say that, like, I'm attracted to this guy? You know, like, no. Right.

Yeah. No. Yeah. You're right. She slipped. She tracked there and we saw it. That's right. So the craziest thing you've done for love, Chris.

Chris is in charge here. He's going crazy up to. Top. Yeah, we're starting. We're starting hot. That says that there's no, like, hot ones to start with. I think this is pretty wild. Bear with me. This is my second submission. This is my personal favorite. Basically, he was just way, way, way too close with his family. And specifically his sisters, and I'm very close to my family. So this is saying something. And one night, his sister couldn't sleep. They lived together. He was 26. She was 24. And so she came into, to his room and was like, hey, can I sleep with you guys?

And he was like, oh my God, of course. And I was like, I mean, I guess. Like whatever, babe, whatever you decide. And then about five minutes later, he was like, hey, the bed's too tight. Turns to me and it was like, can you go sleep on the couch? Bro. So I slept on the couch while he and his sister slept in bed with me. And then the next morning I woke up and surprised them with coffee and bagels when they

woke up. So, yeah. Yeah, but there's no. crazy ones. That's not disturbing. That's crazy. It's crazy. I mean, even living with your sister at that age is pushing it, let alone, you know,

coming in with a nightmare. That's wild. Wild. And that is like some either conscious or subconscious, like weird sibling jealousy thing where she didn't like the fact that he was getting close to somebody else and she's trying to act like this is normal. That is abnormal. But then the sad thing is that this woman, uh, who's this dialer that's messaged in, like doesn't like walk out the door like in the morning. She just acts like the happy girlfriend and like makes them bagels and

coffee. Yeah. Sleep on the couch. I would be leaving that apartment. That is so upsetting. No, you can't have. I would have told him in a whisper, go fuck yourself. I'm not fucking going. Tell your fucking sister to go on the couch. You know, what the fuck? That's like that scene in Game of Thrones where the kid is still sucking on his mother's tit when he's like 18.

It's like, we've moved on from this. You know what I mean? Like what passed. There must be some childhood trauma. There's got to be, yes. And that would be, you would have some sympathy with that, but like, explain it.

Be like, hey. Even still, like, oh God, that would be tough. If they were like, if they then like blamed that on a trauma, then you're fucked. Well, then you're screwed, yeah. At least if you get a heads up and be like, listen, like, we went through some stuff. But like, not after the fact, though.

What I'm saying is like, you know, sometimes like my sister, you know, anyway, it's weird. It's some fucking Lannister shit right there, bro. Yeah. It's scary because I obviously say right now listening, I'm like, that's awful. That's disturbing. That's so weird. Probably in the moment you'd be so confused that you would maybe actually go sleep on the couch and then wake up and then be like, wait, what the fuck?

Like, sometimes that's the issue with relationships is you're so deep in it that it does sometimes take a few business days to process what just happened. Yeah, or not just a few business days, but a few crazy incidents before you go like, oh, wait a minute, like, I can't, I can't pretend that this was a one-off anymore. Exactly. Exactly. I had a similar situation many, many, like a long, long time ago at my. My ex was actually staying in my house, actually, in West Hampton.

This is a long time ago. And it was before 9-11. If you put like a dramatic time stamp on it, it was before 9-11. And so she had a very, like, intense best friend. And they had, like, class. Well, I don't want to say classic female best friend situation, but, like, it was very demanding the friendship, you know? Yeah.

And so just, so my family came. Like, so the whole, the house is full, right? So just out of practicality, the three of us were sleeping in the bed, but not like in a section, you know, like, it's just fine. Like, the three of us were in the one bed. And she, the friend pulled,

oh, I'm not comfortable with this. Like, can Des sleep on the couch? Like, instead of being like, I'm going to go sleep on the couch. Now, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt because there was other people she didn't know in the house. But I was like, wow, it never stops with this one. You know, like constantly.

Do you think it was for the caller? It was her, the boyfriend, and the sister and the boyfriend was in the middle? I'm assuming he was in the middle, yeah. Now that you say this, I'm thinking of two times that I've been in precarious sleep situation. Really? Precarius.

Well, one was, one time I was, my sister visited me at a girlfriend's house and there was, it was a similarly like what you just said, like limited sleeping situations. And I did sleep in a bed, my girlfriend, me and my sister. But I have to say, and I know maybe this is just internalized homophobia, it's just like not that offensive. It was just like not offensive. Like there wasn't like a, I don't know why. It just felt like fine. I was not, I probably was never even having sex with that woman anyway. I don't know.

It was fine, but I am remembering I was in a bed one time with someone I was dating and my sister. This is the part that's weirder, and I don't remember why this happened. One time, I shared a hotel room with a girl I was dating and my dad. What? A hotel room. Separate beds, though. Separate beds. Right, and it was just a practicality.

It was a practicality thing. but it was pushing it. Yeah. I think whenever you involve a dude, that's when it gets weird. It's because of the guy. The guy gets weird. Yeah.

Yeah, weird. So your dad was in the hotel room with you. And how old were you? 18? Right, okay. 19? I mean, yeah. I think a dad still has like the paternal instinct

where he feels like this is, you know, it's safer this way. I guess. So I'm sure he was fine. I'm sure he was fine with it. He was fine with it. I just remember being like, wait,

why'd that happen? Well, of course. you can't, can't, can't fool around number one, you know. No, but it's still just like a weird atmosphere. No, that's weird. That's absolutely weird. Honestly, my parents struggled with me having girls over the house, like separate rooms. So, like the same bedroom?

Crazy. That's really weird. I'm really upset that I remember that. You're having, you're having too strong of an emotional response to some of these things, Allie. You got to take them in your stride. You know what? I'm always been told that if you go on podcasts and are, emotionally neutral, that makes for a better episode.

You're right. Thank you for... I won't have a reaction. That'll make for a great episode. Analysis paralysis, Allie. Be yourself. I apologize for being critical of your strong emotional reactions. You guys know I'm obsessed with Revolve because it tells me all the coolest, chicest,

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Okay, so this is okay embarrassing, but something really embarrassing that I've done for a male um or like to get their attention has when i was in university there was a guy who i thought i liked um so i pretended into like pop punk music um to the point where i actually went to a concert in a different province i'm from canada so i actually traveled far not with him no with a friend and went to a concert. It was fine. It was a pop punk band. It was good.

And then I ended up getting a tattoo that says champs because the people who went to go watch, the band was called state champs, I think. This was probably like 10 years ago, eight years ago. Yeah, so it was probably something the most embarrassing thing I've done was pretended to like and I went all the way to Toronto and got a tattoo for it. It's crazy the things that people will do.

I wonder if the guy, like, got the tattoo with her. Am I wrong, but he wasn't even with them? She said that they didn't travel together. Oh, they didn't travel together. Okay. They didn't travel together, but I guess she went with him. Right, okay. The tattoo sounds, like, unnecessary.

Like, I'm not sure that, like, endeared him to you anymore. I feel like that was, like, really reckless. But traveling and going to a concert you don't like for, love is like that's like white belt level shit for lesbians. Yes. I'm not really. That's like nothing. That's literally nothing.

What's the craziest thing that you've done? Oh my God. There's nothing I haven't done for a woman. I'm like, oh yeah, I have to get an organ transplant too. That's so funny. Maybe we should build off. Like I feel like I, I mean, I've interrupted that pattern somewhat over the last couple years, but especially my early 20s, just wanting validation from women, you know, it's a lot of

this like reverse engineering of like where you're going to be. Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to be there at that time and like just kind of making it look like, I remember my senior year of high school, the girl I had a huge crush on, I found out her schedule for like classes and made sure that we had the same schedule. And I remember the whole year we're like, we're in the same classes This is so weird. And I was like, crazy. But like, I just wanted to be around her. Did you do a subject that you didn't like?

I did everything I didn't like. I basically disowned my family for this woman. Yeah, I did tons of things I didn't like. I will do a bunch of stuff I don't like in the face of love. I've gotten better, though, at it. I mean, I haven't done anything too crazy. I did fly to Thailand to meet the Chinese parents of my then girlfriend to try to like actually like get them to trust me enough that she would immigrate to the

United States which never happened. That sounds not crazy. That sounds lovely. Yeah, but I had no choice. Well, have you ever done a wildly grand gesture? I've definitely done. I've definitely done wildly grand gestures. But not like, but like not, you know, like at the beginning, like not at the beginning,

I feel to like try to win them over. I don't think so, you know. I one time. This is when I was, you know, still kind of confused about my sexuality, which is also an inside joke. Doesn't I have that I'm still straight? Oh, my freshman year at NYU, there was this guy in my class who I thought was so cute. And I remember he was like reading something for the class from the board. And he was really like struggling to read.

And I was like, he must be dyslexic. He must be dyslexic. Like I didn't understand why he couldn't read. And then we were like hanging out after class and I didn't know how to ask him if he was dyslexic. So I came up with this idea to tell him that I was dyslexic. You know, it takes me a minute. Like I was like, I'm dyslexic. So I need like a little bit of extra time in my work.

And he's like, oh, you're dyslexic? Like, what's that like? And I was like, fuck. I was so fucked. Dyslexic stolen valor. That's hilarious. That is kind of the spirit. of how I'd like, who'd date at anyone.

You have to tell that story to Phil Hanley. He'll get such a kick out of that. Is Phil? If he's just, I was like, right? Yeah, and it's very much like a part of his, and he wrote a book about it. And, like, it was a big part of his childhood, but he's very open about it, you know.

Got it. All right, Chris, let's, uh... Oh, sorry, the last thing I was going to say is that I think sometimes, though, these stories seem crazier in hindsight, because I really do feel that a lot of the time, particularly because a lot of these stories come from people's, like,

adolescence and early 20s. I think a lot of times the emotional sort of upheaval is so strong that you're not aware. You're not aware of some of the things that you're doing. Like I'm going to assume, and I don't want to put emotions in this person's head, but I'm going to assume that like she was quite like happy to be in his orbit and like probably in her mind believed that she was like enjoying this event and like probably thought it was cool. to get the tattoo, you know? Yeah.

I don't, but I could, I could be wrong. I could, she could have been like acutely aware and done it. But, because I do think in hindsight, you're like, look back and you're just like, I was, I did something so insane. But I think, you know, you got to give yourself a bit of grace on sort of, you know, how aware of what you were doing you were at the time. Yes. And the moment a crush can really convince you of a lot of realities that don't exist.

it can really consume you though it's like you so I've told this story before but not so much since the early days of when Hannah and I met but I was so bent out of ship because it was the pandemic too there's like not a lot of distractions and like suddenly then there's this like big emotional

change and I was so like so like all over the place with what was going on emotionally that I looked up like what are the hormones of love. Like I looked up the science. I looked up the science of like what is falling for somebody

doing to your body because I was trying to like better understand why I was so bent out of shape because it wasn't like everyone's always like oh love is the most amazing feeling and it is. But honestly some of these emotions were like hard to deal with. You are preaching to the choir. I. But you have it every week. No, to be fair does to be fucking fair. I haven't had a crush, like, in the last, the first crush I had was like a month ago, and it was the first time I had a serious crash in the last 14 months.

And it was the most disregulating, sickening experience. Yes, disreguling. Crushes do not feel good. I felt nauseous. I was, like, really out of sorts, out of my routine. I felt very disconnected from myself. I just, it's like, I'm very quick to when I'm in the orbit of someone I, like, like, I just my, I really can give away my power quite quickly. And it feels terrible. Like,

I don't like any of those feelings associated with love. Like, steady grounded love sounds amazing. But I really have this like whirlwind, what the fuck am I going to do feeling that I just can't get around. So you know the way there's like slah, you know, sex and love addiction anonymous. But like, it tends to be more like, sex addicts do you think that we need to like create like a toned down one like kind of like crushes anonymous or at least certainly like falling in love anonymous like do you think there's like a falling and love addiction i mean i i certainly think there's something to that because i don't identify at all with having like a like a traditional like what you would probably imagine as like a sex addiction but i do have

like i have more of like a fantasy addiction and my therapist My therapist says to me that I like to smoke opium. That's a great expression. In fact, also a great special title. Right? Hopium. She's like, you have to put down the hopium. She's like, you're on the pipe again.

She's right. But that's amazing. That's a great. Yeah. And it's funny. Years ago, a therapist said that to me also is like, you think you're in love. but you're not, you're like, you've worked yourself up

with the idea of what this is going to be. And like, it's going to end up being pretty similar to previous. And not to say that it's not going to work, but like, this is going to pass. And the reality of whatever, not just the reality of like the connection, but the reality of like all the things you struggle with, they're all going to kick back in.

So stop, you know, stop pretending that this is the, you know, this is the thing. You know, whatever about this is the one. It's just like every, time you sort of like, you know, project into the future what this incredible experience is going to be. That act with this like taking these risks and, you know, how far you go for any of this because like you have in your mind that there's some sort of answer in someone else. And falling in love at least at the start of that, like it does present the illusion of that.

Because things feel different. Your priority shift. But of course it always settles out. Makes you feel complete. All right. Well, you don't have to answer this if you don't want. but just to share with the dialers because you've obviously talked about it with a therapist. Does the therapist have any suggestions on like where this comes from? Yeah, I mean, I think there's like

certain ingredients in my life like I feel that like growing up closeted or which by the way I have like the loveliest best family and they're like liberal and love me. So this is like crazy that I decided to fabricate this. But growing up closeted, I always wanted the attention and the validation from the hot girl at school, the cheerleader, the homecoming queen.

And I think a lot of the ways in which I've dated and, you know, I go for these sort of like adonuses. Like I go for women through the male gaze, like these really hot women who are cunts. And I can see that it's this way that I'm looking for societal validation. It's like I'm looking to like prove that like it's okay, that I'm good, look at, how good I am at being gay. In turn, I actually end up being a terrible lesbian. I date, like, sexually confused, spiritually broken women.

But a lot of it comes from that place of, like, I couldn't be with a woman growing up, and, like, I want to be with a woman, and I want to be with, like, the right one. So it's some of that. Interesting. I think that's similar with stand-up. It's, like, getting the validation and feeling loved and feeling like I have value, like, look at who I can make laugh. and it all folds into each other.

Okay, so final question on this, in this area. What does your therapist suggest as like solution? Whatever about, I don't mean like looking back and trying to heal the wounds. I mean maybe more like some practical advice. Because obviously the hopium pipe was very funny, but like is there any other sort of techniques that are you're, they've suggested? They don't have to.

I'm just curious if you're having it off the top of your head. No, it's a good question. I really think. the answer is in moving slowly. And like that speed in when we joke a lot about lesbians, you hauling, they meet the even together. It's like the fantasy and it's two women

and they're like, all right, we're doing it. You know, I think being able to pace yourself helps with fantasy. The only thing that's interrupting fantasy is like the clarity of the truth. I heard this, my therapist has a lot of of good phrases. But one she said was she said, love is blind, but the neighbors are not.

And basically what I'm hearing from that is like every time I've been in a relationship with a woman that like it's not going the right way and it's not for me, I need to do a better job at listening to my family and my friends because they are seeing all of my blind spots that I'm not when I'm like in that kind of like falling place. It's just like an addict. That's great. It's 2026 and if you're still paying rent without built, you got to stop doing that.

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And we'll tell you guys about it when we take it. I'm also going to redeem my built points at SoulCycle, because this is a double bubble for me. Number one, it's a cool way to get back to SoulCycle, and number two, it's aspirational for me because you're sick to hear me complain about my knee. But I love it. So this is really exciting. Paying rent is better with Built, and now owning a home can be better with built too. Earn rewards and get something back wherever you live. Join the loyalty program for renters at joinbuilt.com slash burn. That's join built,

j-o-I-N-B-I-T dot com slash burn and make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Joinbuilt.com slash burn. So since the topic of coming out has come up, we did actually get a coming out one. Oh, great. The most embarrassing thing that I've done for love

is come out, which in and of itself, not an embarrassing thing. my parents came up to visit I was in this relationship it was about we just it was almost a year and I thought it was time

to say something and I wanted to come out in general the embarrassing bit is that I had this long serious conversation with both my parents

difficult but went overall not terribly because I thought the relationship was really worth it and it was going to go to the distance. Two weeks later, I was dumped. So that was the embarrassing part to talk up the relationship.

And then, you know, it didn't really have legs. And that's the most I've done for love. I mean, it's kind of a good story, though, because her feeling that the relationship was worth it forced her to do that, which was probably overall a good thing. Yeah, I mean, I think that's a, a great, that's a win you could take from that relationship.

I find coming out so it's very emotional, but I'm always like, I'm always like hesitant to ask anybody about them because I feel like that's very personal. You want to hear mine? Oh, okay. That's not what I was asking. I was just speaking in general about myself. We don't get a lot of them on burn. Okay, let's hear yours, Allie.

I don't have to, but I thought you were. I would love it, but I'm not, I'm trying not to pry. But I'm why? This is a podcast. Ask me questions. I know, but I'm prying into. your life more than I would normally, you know? No, probably. I'll tell you no if I don't want to.

That girl that I switched my whole schedule to be, to have the same classes as her, we were in high school together, was my best friend. And I mean, I was totally in love with her. And in retrospect, we've had conversations and she said she had feelings for me. Fine. So I kind of knew I was gay, but I was still sort of hoping that if I met a guy, I could like maybe manage it, you know, something. I was like, I could meet some guy and then that'll be okay.

And I was on vacation with my family. This is kind of a two part coming out. We're on vacation and I remember crying to my parents and I told them I was bisexual because I thought that would be an easier pill to swallow. Right. And they were like, okay. Like they didn't really care. And I was like, hug me.

Like, tell me you love me too. And my dad was like, okay, yeah, we don't, whatever you want. But then I was like, okay, well, this is going to suck because, like, I don't even know how to date gay. Like, there was no Tinder. I was like, what am I going to do? This is a disaster. And then years kind of go by, a few years go by. I'm still not getting women.

No one's really talking about it. It's kind of like an open secret. Like, everyone knows I'm bisexual, but like nothing. I don't have any kind of proof. and then I started hooking up with this woman who I was an intern and I was interning for her. She was who I reported to. And she was the first woman I ever had sex with.

Everyone's like, what's lesbian sex? It's mouth and tongue and finger stuff. So we have sex and I remember I bring her home to my parents' house in Connecticut and I introduce her as my friend. And everyone spends the weekend with her and they're like, we love your friend. And she leaves. She leaves and I go for a walk with my dad And her parents owned a bagel store

And I said to my dad You know I won't say her name But I was like you know She's not my friend She's my girlfriend And he looked at me and he goes Does that mean we get discounts on bagels?

What's nice about it Is that it was clear from the day You came out as a bisexual That your parents like They really didn't care Like not in the sense They didn't care about you But it just like wasn't a big deal for them

Totally I have my heart breaks for, I can't even imagine. Yeah, for the people where it's difficult, right? Oh, agonizing. Chris, let's take another one, please. You got it. I did do the absolute most to get my husband,

but it worked out for me. However, it is super embarrassing. So I met my husband at work, and I thought he was really cute, and him and I would flirt, but he wasn't making any kind of move. So I asked him out not once, not twice, but three times. And each time I got rejected.

But I kept asking. And after the third time, I did stop. The third rejection really, that one did a number on me. And about two weeks later, he asked me out, do you know how badly I wanted to say no at least three times? I didn't. And we got married in May of this year, or last year, I guess. I guess technically got him and sound like a dumbass.

But yeah, so not very girl boss of me at all, but it did work out. It is girl boss of you to ask a dude out. Again and again. That's the most, what is more girl boss waiting around and waiting for someone to ask you? Also, I'm missing so many juicy details. Like, what was the reason why he was saying no? I want to know what the reason was that you felt like it was a rejection, but enough space to kind of return to it.

I know. Well, first of all, they only have one minute on the Telby. So, and secondly, it's a common problem on the podcast that we have questions that we can't follow up with. It is one of the limitations of the format is we do have more questions. What I love about this is that she was so convinced that he was wrong to say no, that she kept persistent. It's pretty wild.

I can't imagine like, yeah, it's, your ego has to really be like, non-existent to continue to do that. But also, I assume that there is a very simple answer to the why he was resisting. Either he had, like, extreme anxiety and just, like, couldn't handle it, or he was, like, in some situation-ship situation

that resolved itself by the time, he asked her. Those would be the two more practical ones. Maybe there were some other reasons, but... I feel like a lot of people when it's at work, like that's... They don't want to enter that territory, especially as a dude. It must have been a no like that. It must have been

like, well, I don't want to date someone I work with. What if she... I mean, then she kept doing it. I actually, there's like... Oh, this is God does. He's going to love this. There's a guy in my building who he's like, I want to make out with this guy, whatever. I'm a lesbian. It doesn't matter. There's plenty of

of women that are married to men that once in a while will fuck a woman. Sometimes I'm like that with men. I still identify as gay because I don't like false advertising. Okay. There's a guy in my building who I have tried to make out with this man. He will not go for it. How have you tried? I've offended by it.

I've told him. I've told him. I'll be like, I'll be like, you're the like one of the, I'm like, you're the only straight guy I want to make out with. Does you know the truth be quiet? I was like, you're the only trick I want to make out with like. And or I'll be like, let's, I don't know. He's just like, you're like, and then he's like,

you're the best and I'm like okay I'll just go kill myself Are we sure he's straight? So you're actually So you're actively flirting with this guy? I flirted with him He's so fucking handsome He's like J.FK Jr. I mean I have

Yes I would love to just I don't want to have sex with him I just want to make out with him I just want to have a martini and kiss his face And I just he won't let me I texted he's moving And I texted him being like I'm sad You're moving you're the only guy I want to make out with

and he goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, you're the best. Interesting. Yeah. So just in case anyone earlier, when Ali made a joke about how I think she's straight and probably thought that it was, I'm being an asshole. This is what we're dealing with.

This is what we're dealing with, just for the record. But I exclusively am in relationships with women. I'm a lesbian, but I do have these moments. Yeah, you have your little moments. And do you think also that it's nice that you know you're not going to like, it's not going to become a big emotional upheaval? also. Yeah, so it's kind of just like.

It's kind of like fun and silly for you, which is fine. Yeah. All right, Chris, let's get a couple more before we wrap it up here today. Let's do it. Okay. This is so embarrassing, but I had a massive crush on this guy once. And we went as a big group to go bowling. And we were in line to get our shoes.

He was right next to me. and I have big feet and I'm kind of embarrassed by it. And I wear a size 10 and I was embarrassed to get a size 10 in bowling shoes. So I asked for a nine and a half and I shoved my feet into these bowling shoes that were too small for me because I was convinced that a size 10 would give him the ick, but a nine and a half wouldn't. And guess what? Neither work did we never dated. That's perfect.

That's perfect. That is the exact type of thing I was looking for. There's something about that that just like it makes no sense, but it makes all of the sense. There's some sort of just like quality to that confession. I get it. I hear you. I have to say this reminds me of a time when not to make it about me, but I'm on the podcast and you're not right now.

But like I was with this woman and she was dropping me off at my house. I thought she was so sexy. I got out of her car and I slammed the door shut. I slammed the door on my finger and I was bleeding so bad, but there was something so embarrassing about being hurt in front of her that I was just like, bye, I'm fine. My finger was like falling off. If you like want to hide more humanity from your crush. Yeah, but I also, I think it's so, it's like, I think it's safe to say that this is such

like a female thing where like women generally, especially younger women, I feel like they're so aware there's so many hang-ups about their bodies. And, like, she had clearly, like, worked herself into a tizzy about her big feet, which guys wouldn't give a fuck about. Unless you're, like, with, like, a weird foot guy, which you don't want to be with a weird foot guy anyway. A guy would never give a shit that you have, like, big feet. And she's, like, suffering to hide her big feet.

Not that nine and a half sounds any different anyway. Honestly, men are not perceptive enough to even be aware of, like, the difference in female shooting. They would just assume that like women have different shoe sizes. He wouldn't even think about it. They wouldn't even think about it. Yeah. Yeah, women.

I mean, they're, it's like, they're sensitive around like how men perceive their femininity. They're, my friend dated this guy in high school and she said they would drive with the windows down in his car. And she was so cold, but she liked him too much to ever ask him. And then when she got out of that relationship, she goes, I just want to meet a guy who I can roll the windows up.

Well, I have to say I'm so, like, I'm assertive in some situations, but like in customer service situations, I'm often not assertive because I always just like, I don't know, I just, I'm just not, okay? And I will often, like, not be comfortable with my temperature in an Uber just because I don't want to be like, could you like turn it up or turn it down or like if the Uber guy had the window open. I have left the window down thinking like the Uber guy is like super hot or you know like physically hot. So, uh, I can identify. Yeah. Because I don't even need a crush for that. I just, I just need the lack of like not wanting to make somebody feel bad. Yeah. Even though

they couldn't give a shit. Right. And like when they say, have you ever been in an Uber? And they're like, what kind of music do you want to listen to? And I'm always like, whatever you want to listen. And I'm always like, whatever you want to listen to. PJ now, just give me a ride. By the way, just in response to your story, in the modeling, my modeling years as a kid, when we would like go on auditions and shit, one time I'm sitting in front of somebody that mattered.

I can't remember who. And, you know, I was stupidly fidgeting with a fucking stapler. And I stapled my finger accidentally. You know, I was like, I fucking press. it and I fucking stapled my finger. And I sat there for like a really long time trying to hide it but eventually the guy realized

like, are you all right? And I was like, I staple my finger. Oh my God. I was early on I understood the entertainment industry. It's like, don't fuck this up, bro. Don't fucking let him know that you've stapled your finger but I did have

having to give in. So I can understand your desire to hide your busted finger. By the way, did you get success out of that? Oh, yeah. Nice. Oh, yeah. Definitely.

That one had a really long runway. It was probably because you handled the pain so well. Yeah, they knew that we were able to hook up a lot. Hell yeah. Worth it. Let's take a couple more, Chris. All right, let's see. Allie has to get in the zone to open for Hannah.

Yeah. Okay, I'm going to jump right in. So I had unmatched feelings for this woman, loved her, wanted to be with her all the time, was obsessed with her, she didn't return those feelings, ultimately fine, but at the moment, heartbreaking. We decided to be friends, great, I thought I could turn into a platonic love. I kind of did, it's fine now, but I was desperate to see this woman, obviously, when it had been months since I had seen them and there was really no good reason to. and I saw on Instagram they were getting rid of this like shitty tiny old dresser and they were selling it for like $75 and I was like yeah of course I'll take it I've been needing a dresser I had a bigger better dresser in my apartment and yeah so I made them drive it over to my house and move it into my bedroom and then when they asked me what I was going to use it for I was like uh close great anyway thanks guys yes my response is yeah, $75 to see your crush is perfect. What about the hassle of dealing with the fucking dresser you don't need?

I mean, it's annoying, but, you know, I totally get it. I would do that. That's something I would do. By the way, we do actually get, like, like, not all the time, but, like, we get some lesbian ones. So it's not just because you're here. Okay. I think a lot of lesbians are calling. Yeah.

Well, yeah. No, wouldn't you say, Chris, I'd say we get, like, Like, we get quite, we get quite a bit. We have like a lesbian contingent. Here, here and there. There's, there's some lesbian listeners for sure. Yeah. But it just so happens that today we got, we got two.

And, you know, there weren't for you specifically. They weren't? Although, no, actually, I take it back. Actually, Hannah. They weren't for me. I reposted it. We don't always say, like, who's going to be on. So I take it back, actually.

They were probably specifically for you. Maybe not. It's okay. They can or they cannot. It's okay. They could have came from your Instagram. They could have came from Hannah's lesbian crushers. True.

You know? Yeah. The burning bushes. That's the pun? That's the lesbian contingency that follows Hannah, the burning bushes. It was a comedian years ago in Ireland who started calling my fans desbians. Oh, that's great. I know.

I like that. I quite like that. Yeah. But a good pun. Hannah's not a fan of the puns, but we like somebody who appreciates them, even though she's in denial, as we know. Yeah, please.

Yeah. So, Chris, let's take a final one. All right. We got a Valentine's Day one to end up. Oh. Second Valentine's Day together. Absolutely certain we were going to get married. I was so excited.

Woke up, waited for him to call me all day. It's 3 p.m. I haven't heard from him. So I drive to his house. had my own house key, let myself in, sound asleep. So I'm like, hey, do you know what day it is? And he's like, oh, shit, I forgot. And I'm like, okay, like, I'm a little upset, but no worries.

And he's like, no, like, I'll get dressed. Let's go to the grocery store. So he drives me to the grocery store. He's like, pick whatever you want. You deserve the world. Pick whatever you want. So I'm like, okay, I'm not going to put him out. Pick this, like, really small bouquet of flowers.

We get to the cash register. He's like, oh, babe, I forgot my way. wallet. Can you cover me? So I bought myself flowers while I was in a two and a half year relationship. A year later, he found out he was cheating on me two days after I moved into his apartment.

So we could have seen that one coming. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dear. I mean... The things, the things we ignore. The things we ignore for love. Exactly. By the way, a guy taking you into a grocery store and something like whatever you want.

Let's go to... It's Valentine's Day. Let's go to 7-11. Literally. Yeah. CVS. Get whatever you want, my girl. Do you need some ad, do you need some Advil? Crazy.

This is so upsetting. We ignore. Do you need a five-hour energy? Literally. Get those list of rein strips. If that's what you want, my queen. Yeah, I think that's it. Yeah, that's the, this is, we'll cut this out, Chris, but this is the episode where we ran with

the least amount of, because we only had like three hours of messaging. Yeah, we did great. I think we did great. I think we did it. Amazing. So, well, first of all, Ali, thank you very much. Thanks for having me. For being on the pod.

You're welcome any time now that we're going to be doing guest hosts. Great. Thank you. You know, and now that you, now you've experienced the vibes. And now when you do it, you do it the next time you can like think about like what you'd want to hear. And it's also always women that message in. I mean, we have like a 3% male dialing in rate.

Because men don't want to listen to anyone's advice on anything. Well, no, I mean, we have some male listeners for sure, but like we've just had a very low success rate of men messaging in. And like, I've tried, but like there just seems to be a disconnect. We talked about it last week, but there seems to be a disconnect with like, the vibe when the men message in for some reason and I don't know why. I'm not thinking about that. Because somebody tried this week, I didn't put it in, and it was just like there was something

in it which I'm not going to say that was just clearly like a problem, you know? And this is a running theme like the men just like they're just, I don't know, they're like they're trolling more than like, you know, because like these dialers, these people who's message in like they're they're earnest. and they're honest, and they're just like, they're not trying to be funny. They're trying, like, they understand the essence of this is the theme. Tell me a story. But the men, it's always like, I don't know why.

They just, they have to be like. This is, I guess I'm in denial about my own sex. This is. The men are weird and they make it about themselves and they don't listen. I'm like, yeah, dude, this is me. Welcome to men. I've embraced it. I'm totally fine with the burnophones.

I love the dialers and I like that it's a female-focused podcast. But, you know, obviously, as a result, I feel like it's the onus is on us, at least from time to time, to have a female voice on the pod. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's not just because a couple of people in the Spotify comments said, I can't listen to two men talking. That's not.

only reason, you know? Yeah. No, it's good to have female input. 100%. So we'll have you on, we'll have you on next time. I'm going to try to get Erz La Crosse and coincidentally enough, uh, because I mentioned her early on in the pod, but yeah, do it. She, she would be a, she would be a good guest host. So anyway, Ali, do you want to plug anything before we go? Um, I would just like for you to please follow me on Instagram or wherever you follow people at Ali, A-L-I, Colbert with a K. You know what I've just realized right at this moment? Colbert.

That, yeah, is actually Irish, but would you have it with a K? Yeah. Because I always know your name is Ali Colbert, and I know when I see it, I see it with a K. But I think mentally in my mind, I always go with the C. But I never really thought about the fact that you kind of have an Irish last name. Do you know any history on that? I'm not Irish, though. I know, no, no, no, I know.

but I'm just curious, like, where your Colbert comes from. Do you know? I don't. Enemologically. Austria, Romania, France. Do you know any other culpros with the K? My cousins. Because it's a famous scene where Bill O'Reilly tries to, like,

out white Stephen Colbert and mention something about Irishness. And Colbert is like, I'm fucking Irish, it's Colbert. You know? It's just the way it is. It's one of the fucking Irish revolutionaries who is a colbert and shut the fuck up. Right. That's right. He is a culvert. So anyway, thank you so much, Allie.

Thank you, Chris. Happy Valentine's Day, folks. Thank you to the dialers. See you next weekend in West Nyack, New York. And check my website for all my dates. Philly, I'm calling out to you. You guys were just in Philly, right? Yes, last night.

Did Hannah remember to plug my show? I don't think so. To bring it back to Hannah's memory. I don't think so. She probably didn't remember. All right, everybody. See you next week. Bye.

Bye guys.