Berner Phone - Esther Povitsky: The Rejection Queen & Choosing Herself

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

The hilarious Esther Povitsky from Hulu's Dollface, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and her comedy special Hot For My Name opens up about all her failures before getting to this point. She discusses in depth about her relationship, surviving a miscarriage, dropping out of college to pursue her dreams in Los Angeles, and how she started to put herself first.--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you understand how many times I've said in our relationship to him, I've been like, so like, were you just like sitting around waiting for me to show up? And he, and you know what he says? No, I loved my life. I was so happy. He's like, I'll be like, where, what would you be doing right now if we had never met? He'll be like, I would be sitting right here reading a book. I'd be loving it. It would be awesome. Maybe I'd order some foe. Welcome to Burning Hell What's up, guys? We are in hell talking to people about their demons, exposing them, burning it up. I'm so excited for this guest today.

She's a tiny human, but a massive. massive powerhouse in the comedy space, the acting space, the podcasting space. She also, most importantly, is a sweatpants entrepreneur. Esther Pavitsky, welcome to hell. Oh, my God, I've been waiting my whole life to walk into the hell zone. Well, we're, we're both half Jewish. We don't have hell in Jew, in Jewville. In Jewel.

In Jew, um, yeah, I don't know. We have, we just, like, critique things a lot and we're like, anxious about it. Yeah. And that kind of is just hell every day. So you'll fit in. Right. We don't need something worse. Exactly.

Esther, I also have to admit, like I'm a huge fan girl. No, no, from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend back in the day. I was telling you that. That's so cool.

Am I like an OG, like a real one? That is, well, obviously, but it's so interesting. That show I do feel like gets the most love of anything.

And I, is it like, because for me, what I loved so much about that show was like the mental health focus and they just totally snuck in there aggressively and I feel like I hadn't seen that done before so that or were you just you're not I just thought your outfits were super cute my outfit thank you so much way more important thank you no you have mental health you had a weird

personality yes in the hottest way that I was like this girl you can't tell if you're laughing with you or at you love that you realize that you're smarter than us oh that's such a I feel like there was a back-handed compliment in that that I did not anticipate. It was so front-handed. I loved it. And also, like, you have shot so many TV shows. Oh, that's so crazy. You're making me sound old, by the way.

That is, that's the backhand. Like the golden girls, that was wild. You were great in that. But, like, but you also, you're very tasteful with the shows you choose to work with. Like, they're all great. I don't know how. that literally is like the happiest accident ever it's just like people have the same taste as me hire me and people who don't do not hire me you're just super polarizing because i thought you're just like

saying no to everything and just working with i think i do but a little bit but like i i just genuinely believe that like we the the people who are like us find us like that's why i think you and i are going to be best friends forever i'm obsessed um but yeah well we've talked about on this show like just being your full authentic self like your x factor and you're going to reject some shit but at least you're being you have you always felt so true to yourself um kind of i feel like it went in waves though like i feel like i i was always this weird different person and then when i moved to los angeles i kind of got a little bit like you know when you're on the hustle and it's like really hard and you start to lose sight and you're like maybe i'm not filler yeah i wish oh my god

that's the best compliment ever um but i do feel like recently in the last like year after like having a miscarriage and like starting antidepressants and like kind of like getting up on my mental health a little bit better and like taking edibles at night like i feel like now i'm really back and i'm like the person who i was like set out who i set out to be when i decided to do this wow that was some powerful shit esther came to serve okay so you basically said some things that people would feel like life ruining type events that you're like that made me back to being myself yes shooketh shooketh to the core um yeah i heard that you have like a whole stand-up set about your miscarriage that does people just laugh hysterically the whole time well yeah no i i just decided that like okay

this bad thing happened to me and and you know because whatever i had a miscarriage and um I was like, okay, the whole point of me is like, I'm supposed to make my trauma funny. Like, that's my little job in society that I signed up for. Your little worker, aunt. That's the burden you carry. It is. Like, and so I was like, I'm just going to do stand about this. And my fiance was a little bit, like, a little uncomfortable with it at first, but then

he totally was understanding and like, this is how you're processing it. You explained that, like, it's my body, my choice. I did. Yeah. And he's great. he is just he in general is so private and I'm so not private do you have that issue like because I feel like you're very not private well I was super not private and very like making fun of every man and just being like I'm doing me and then I met this guy who I respected and it was super

uncomfortable for me because I was like wait you're not factoring until my stereotypes of men and this is going to be an issue because then I won't feel authentic on stage but we both we experienced a brief reality TV stint together where it wasn't great funny because I know that reality TV is so fake because I did a pilot literally 11 years ago for MTV a reality pilot and it didn't get picked up but that was when I saw behind the scenes like I mean I don't need to tell you this but it's like all the producer setups all the fake cuts and so I wonder how much public knowledge there is by now out there that they do fake stuff if that helped you at all or if you're just like no one cares it it helped both of what you just said help me the people who don't like you after watching a reality tv didn't didn't want to like

you yes yes as in they i i was having trouble for a lot of time i'm like if they knew i didn't have sex in the bathroom they would love me and it's like no no no no no those people are just waiting for an excuse to not like you it's so true oh my god me and whitney cummings talk about this all the time we're like you didn't like me anyway yes it's you're mad about this post or whatever you didn't like me before so this is like I didn't lose anything you're currently on doll face yeah yeah what is that like to shoot I also I've never shot a TV show before ever in my life you will oh my god thank you I'm manifesting it but it seems like just so fun it is it's long hours and it's it and it can be it's long hours like literally

when I'm shooting that show I like my social life goes away I'm like it's It's like summer camp. It's like you won't see me for three months. But it is so much fun. And especially with those three, Shea Mitchell, Kat Dennings and Brenda Song, they're just like...

Who do you like the best? I literally am obsessed with all. Merry fuck him. Literally marry all three. There's just so, it's like being around women and we're all in our 30s. We're all just like want to know

what you're ordering for lunch and what drink is that. And it's just like that's... And then also at the end of, a day you're creating something so fun together so yeah you i almost feel like you automatically get cool friends from doing a kind of creative experience like that together yeah i mean look at us right now i know just like two creatives being like super cool um also you worked with andy sandberg before yes he produced alone together i just want the like gossip tea on that like give me the dumois like what's

he's so i mean there's it's like so boring did everyone have a crush on him he is so hot and funny and nice and like that's it it's he's all of that when he would like bite the pizza and get punched on us and now that's when i fell in love with him do you remember that sketch yes of course yeah i i fell in love with the lazy sunday that was like my call that got me through college speaking of college i'm not trying to compare you to conier but i'm listening you are a college dropout i am and you not only dropped out you did it three quarters of the way through yeah it was really a waste of everyone's time and money yeah halfway through my third year at school i was just i quit i really hated it i went to university of illinois in urbana champagne and i um it smelled like poop a little bit

yeah i i cow poop just to be clear and i just knew that i that wasn't the path i wanted to be on and i was like i'm quitting it was a huge fight with my parents but i just i was so delusional i thought i'm going to quit school and move to L.A. And if I'm not a movie star like Will Farrell in one year, I'll just move home and work at Walgreens. I had no idea. I was so stupid. And then I just, I moved to L.A. and started stand-up and became obsessed.

Did you want to be a stand-up? I wanted to, I wanted to work in comedy. Like, I didn't know the specifics. I just knew whatever it took. And I think because you get to L.A. and, like, you have no friends and there's, you can't just, like, walk onto a set. like so stand-up was the basically the path of least resistance believe it or not yeah i also people know stand-up is a male-dominated industry and yeah you're not only a woman but you're like a tiny adorable woman

thank you so much for noticing like literally a strong gust of wind could take you but i want how does that fact because i'm like i feel like i'm athletic and i'm kind of like strong yeah and i like come in the room like i could beat someone's ass i love that about you a shorter man i could take so like i bring some masculine an energy to the group where not that you're not a guy's girl we were talking about that last night but what is it like being in a male environment being such a tiny adorable woman i it's so weird i'm i am way i'm not scared of men at all like i will fight a man i am not afraid to tell him to put a man down i love to make a man feel small you're like i'll talk about his family Like, not afraid at all, but weirdly, when it comes to women, I'm, like, a little more submissive, and I don't know if it has to do with my upbringing, like, if I was closer with my dad. But I'm, like, submissive with women and aggressive with men. And so I think that has helped. But I much prefer being surrounded by women, like, for sure. Yeah, I feel similar as in, like, when you get heckled on stage, if it's a man, I'm like, I'm about to destroy you. And if it's a woman, I'm like, girl, I get it. We're all out here having.

a rough night. Yeah, totally. You had an espresso martini, I would be worse, you know? So I understand. We're like, you almost understand the women more where the men, you kind of have to put them in their place to get the respect. Yeah, it's true. Like, yeah, I, yeah.

What are your biggest insecurities? We're getting darker in hell. Okay, that's a good one because I'm really anti-insicurity. So I'm like, I've buried them so deep. They're not coming up for me. They're so deeply buried. I'm only what's coming up is how proud I am of myself. It's really mentally ill.

Wait, I'm obsessed with that. Yeah, no, I'm just so, I literally, like, my, I'm having the year of pride. It's like, I'm so abundantly proud that I'm handling my shit, like, that I got on Lexapro because I had anxiety, that, like, I take a Xanax when I'm having a panic attack. I'm, like, I'm literally just bragging now. Like, I'm bragging. like it's it's overwhelming how it sounds like you're like reparenting yourself in the nicest way like oh you're stressed I'm here for you well I my addiction was asking everyone around me if they were proud of me like my fiance he's like you have to shut up like are you proud I did this are you proud I did this are you like I needed that so hard for so long and so now that I'm like giving it to myself I feel so much better and I don't know how did that happen I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't No. I think it's, I think it's medication. I think it's, um, I listen to self-help 24-7.

Like I will just like go on YouTube and I'm like, Oprah speech. Just play them all. I just had Gabby Bernstein on and she's incredible. Really? Okay. I'll, I'll, I'll send you. I'll send you. She has a whole thing about recovering from trauma. Actually, she's just sending her book, Happy Days about like big trauma, little traumas and how they all affect your life and how to like, honestly what you just won through are you are you on this journey too like yeah what's your what's your status i'm it's so funny because i just did an audition for jfl last two days ago and i was like really nervous and i was scared that if i did bad like people would be disappointed in me of course but i also like so and i used to be a tennis player where everything was about other people

being proud of me like i literally was playing for my dad for my coach because they were also financing it like it was a lot of pressure where now this is only me so I did it I was I did really well and I prepared really hard and afterwards I call my fiance and I was like I'm really proud of myself and then he joked he's like you're so humble and then just jokingly I was like are you proud of me and he's like it doesn't it doesn't matter yeah so I'm like teetering like I'm almost there but I was suffering with very similar things as you um I actually just had a professional tennis player on who said she was her most depressed when she accomplished everything she thought she wanted to accomplish and she realized that like everyone around her did not suddenly change

and become like her mom wasn't now like oh now I love you are you kidding that's literally my whole life's journey was in 2019 I shot my special I got cast on doll face like my dream of being like the fourth lead on a sitcom streaming sitcom I was had everything and that was when everything came crashing down because instead of her saying oh no one else changed I was like I didn't I'm the same my problems didn't all go away all my dreams came true I've been fighting for all my life for these and I'm still me and I all the problems are there still and that was that was truly when I was like okay medication take the steps fix it because the things you think will fix it fucking don't and then it's worse because there you're like it didn't work and then you're like panic all the

rules I was this of this game of life I was playing actually doesn't help you win I actually when I'd get something good I tried to tell people that like I think about being on the subway it's it's like in LA if you're in the in traffic when you envision like oh it when I got this big gig like I'm going to be sitting here so different if I got like I'm going to be such a different person when I have my special and then you realize when something good happens to you're like oh my god I'm still hating the same things about me it's still me like I got a temporary high high high and then you almost get like lower because you're like oh god i still have to have the same thoughts going to sleep at night yeah because until you actually convince yourself that you

are okay with yourself no external factors are going to help it it's so crazy and i feel like people have been saying that like since the dawn of time and i i did not learn it till i experienced it myself like i don't i wish i had i wish i was able to learn these things beforehand but i'm like I just, I guess I'm doing it at my own pace. And it's not because you got those good things that suddenly you were able to love yourself. It's more like, you panicked. You were just like, fuck, fuck. I got worse.

Yeah. And it got to a point where I was like, this is, like, I was so, had so much anxiety and I was like, I want to move to my parents' basement. Like, I was like, a crazy person. Yeah, I was like, the only place I feel safe would be my parents' basement. Like, I just don't feel. And I don't even know what I was afraid of. Like, I still don't know.

But it was just like panic. Yeah. How else does your anxiety manifest? Well, I would say that the difference between my anxiety before and then being on like the right medication would is like now if something makes me anxious, I don't get that like pin in my stomach like beating in my chest. Like I don't have the physical manifestation of it. So I'm able to remain more calm. I'll be like like if I was like oh yeah I'm like oh my God, my coffee is, I can't think of an example. I cannot think of us. Oh my god, we're at war and there's going to be a war because of what's going on in the world. So before medication, I would be like, oh my God, like this is really bad. Like I just need, I can't do anything. I can't think.

I just have to fucking shut down. But now I'm like, okay, that's a scary thought. Okay. Well, I can't do anything right now. So I'm just going to keep living my life. Wow. Yeah. Also, you've been doing stand-up and you had your special how did you choose what things you wanted to bring to the world i am literally the slowest moving comedian in the on the planet because i was doing stand-up for probably like 11 years before i did my special so i just it was like what are my favorite things i've ever written from the last decade and then i had one story that i knew i wanted to tell but I didn't know how and that like I I so my fiance had a bachelor party and I surprised him at his bachelor party in Vegas as one does and I knew I wanted to have that story in the special so that was

like that I like worked on that a lot to make that fit but how did he react really bad it was really a big mistake and everyone in my life told me not to do it and I all my friends my dad called me several times he he was saying please come to your senses I thought this was going to be like the greatest thing ever it was I was going to show up and he would be so happy to see me and he was scared he was uncomfortable he like it's not it's so bad that it's not even something we can joke about yeah like years later wow he was so embarrassed and so I just showed up to his room and he was like what are you doing here like I don't like this and then I had my own room and I just went to go see Celine Dion by myself.

You're like, and now I can't listen to Saline Dion anymore because it's super triggering. And I think he was the most angry that I had booked the same flight home as him. So I was like with him and all his friends. It was such a bummer. I still stand by that what it could have been was going to be beautiful. But this is one of those classic do it for the plot. Yeah, yeah.

It bombed. It was a bit that bombed, but that's why I was so determined to put it in my special. We learned we grew you need to do something good from it. Wait, I want to know how you met him. I met him in a party. I literally just was at a house party. I saw him. I thought he was so hot.

And I was like, my insecure instinct was that guy's hot, stay away from him. Like, don't embarrass yourself. Don't be so weird. And then later that night, he was in a circle talking to people that I knew. And I was like, okay, this is my move. So I walked up with a bowl of candy. I was like, does anyone want candy? Adorable.

They introduced, the people I knew introduced me to him. And then I just immediately zoned in and like just like chatted him up all night. And then he left without saying by or asking for my info. I was hot. I was so. I was so mad. Of course. Couldn't handle it.

And I did a set that night. You're like, I brought you Mike and Ikes. You're associating me with fucking dopamine sugar highs and you still don't want me. Yeah, that is bad. I remember I did a set I was like fuck guys in LA like I met this guy and like he he was he's not good he's not too good for me like I was just so angry and then the next morning he hit me up on social media and it was like my baby I was so happy and then um after you use his full name on sets just bashing him in LA all night yeah can you imagine if he was if he was like if he had seen the set or something or someone got got back to him I feel like he still doesn't know that that happened What would happen in his head that night when he left without saying anything? He said he said that he just knew he would look me up the next day.

Like he was like, it wasn't a big deal. He knew he liked me and he would just look me up. And I was like, okay, Mr. Cool guy. Okay, FBI agent. I also think that recently I've been finding my, oh my God, just like my people. That sounds so corny. No, it's so important. I feel like friends has been a thing that I've had, I've like moved a lot and I've had

all of different careers and shit. So I haven't had like that friend group since I was eight years old that like are always there for me. And I've learned recently with comedy how like naturally the right people find you. And I'm really feeling that in relationships right now where like in romantic relationships how you could have brought him anything that night and he would have hit you up that next day. Like I'm really trusting the process of like stopping so hard on yourself of like do you send the smiley face do you not send the smiley face just like friends that like you could push them away as much as you want and they'll be with you like I really feel like we need to get that confidence in romantic relationships oh I totally agree and

also I forgot this was what I always used to do and say to people but I've been in a relationship for nine years I forgot until right now I always would say like treat a guy that you like if you meet him like you're meeting a new friend yeah put nothing else on it just literally and I learned this because in high school the guy that I had a crush on for for years I had a crush on this guy and I thought that someone had told him and that he just wasn't interested so when I met him I was like I know he doesn't like me I'm just going to be a cool friend like because I think he's cool and I come to find out that guy never told him and he did like me and we ended up dating and I'm like that's my move I'm like I'm never flirting I'm never fucking treating

a guy like I want something it's like I just want to be a cool friend like hey what's up man like and it's not this is not even toxic advice it's not thank you it's not it's incredible wow normally it's like you break him down emotionally physically and then you slowly build him back up and then when you lose power you break him down again but I I love that too because I like to tell people you don't like him like him you don't even like him you might be attracted to him but you don't know this man Right. Because I suffer from like deciding they're perfect and filling in all the blanks just because they're six, too.

And then I realize that I hate him like seven months then and his mom won't stop texting me and I'm like, I need to get out of this. Oh my God. But I love that. Go in being like, you think he's hot. You would have sex with him. But you don't know this man. You don't like him.

You don't. It's just like, am I going to be, could I be friends with this person? And that's how you are with friendships. You don't see a girl. You might like like her vibe or her energy, but you're not like she's amazing. She's perfect. I need to make her my best friend. No, you do a little, you know, back and forth.

Yeah. Or whatever people do when they talk. How do people fucking socialize? Do they do the waltz back and forth? That's what you think. Very, very cool. Like macaroni. But I mean, yeah, it's adult friendships and adult dating is closer,

is more similar than different besides like the fucking. Yes. I agree. I agree. I like that. we really are solving all the problems today for everyone i'm so proud how is your i know at first i was like we're going to be the silliest goosees today and then immediately i was like give me the details of all the pain i want to know also as a relationship you guys together went through some trauma

yes how has that affected your relationship and because it's like not only your own mental health and his mental health that you have to kind of want well but also the like love as well as well Yeah. Well, we, I feel like because we've been together for so long at this point, we've gone through a lot of trauma together. And like the first really big thing was one of his best friends died of a heroin overdose, this writer Harris Whittles. And I felt like it was like the first time in my life where it was my responsibility to like help someone else get through a tragedy. And it was obviously it was really hard on me too. But I, I could see how hard it was for him and I just like I was like motivated to like step up to the plate and like be there for him and I'm normally so selfish like can't even believe we're not caretaking yeah no but I that I think really helped to bond us and I do think that that is what takes a relationship whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship from like from just what it is to like oh we're family members now like we're a family where we get through trauma and tragedy

together like we get out on the other side of it like this is now family yeah and that is and so i think by the time like years later we had the miscarriage last year like you just it it's like we know how to do this like we're hurting and we know how to support each other and um that's why when they say like relationships aren't perfect it doesn't mean like you're fighting all the time it's that life isn't perfect and you're on that imperfect journey with that person yeah you just want that like right person to deal with those traumas with you and going through the hardship with you like that's why like the bachelor doesn't work it's like you're on fucking vacation all the time with like country singers we don't know dancing like so like you need I joke like first date you have to

get in a fight like let's see how we are in the tough moments like at the DMV and at fucking home goods and shit but I'm I also I knock on wood no fortunately never had dealt with a miscarriage it's a very like just word I hear yeah do you see women differently now based on going through it yourself and like kind of the whole birthing process do you have a whole different perspective now I don't know if I see like women differently from it but I I see I feel you know what i just it was a it's not like very specific i don't feel anything like specific to miscarrying or like pregnancy i just feel like that was really fucking traumatic that really stung so hard it was so sad you know i was three months pregnant we'd already told our friends and family like i it was we

were we were excited um and you know then you go to the appointment and it's not like you like are pain and you know what's happening it's like I didn't know it's called a missed miscarriage like your body doesn't tell you you've miscarried it's just like I went to the doctor for a normal checkup and they're like parties over sorry and there's no heartbeat and you're just like what it's so shocking and and mind you I'm a woman I'm an actress in my 30s you don't think I have a million friends who've had miscarriages I knew this was on the table but it no matter how prepared you are it's still fucking stings so hard and I remember I called Rosebud Baker because she had recently had one and posted about it and she said to me she said I know that you're in pain right now it gets better I know there's no way to like know that but I'm just just trust me and I there was no way to hear her but she was right it's like it does get better I'm so happy now I'm like I'm I might we might try again soon we might might not like I don't know but I'm it's just like it's wow you can get hit with something so hard

let time pass and become out on the other side so much fucking stronger with so much more self-confidence and self-worth I'm like oh my god like no one can touch me like I went through something so hard and I'm I feel you nailed it it's almost like when your biggest fear happens to you you're like what's the universe going to throw up me because I'm fucking I got it When it hasn't happened to you, you almost have this fear, like, could I handle it? Like, what could happen? Could it all go bad? And you're kind of like, we are invincible to like the bullshit of existence.

The worst case happened. And like, I was pregnant at the same time as three of my friends. They all have their babies. Like, it's not easy. But at the same time, I'm so happy. I'm so happy for my friends. I literally was like, I was like, you know what? I'm glad it was me.

I'm like I this was it was my time to take the hit and like I'm I'm proud how do you feel about being the age of like possibly starting a family with your acting and your stand-up career so annoyed so fucking pissed to be honest yeah extrapolate on that like I just I'm really enjoying my life and like all just working on the things that I'm working on are so creatively fulfilling that it does seem really scary to like bring a baby in and especially like I have to be the baby's mom I can't be its dad yeah you're like I can't be the baby anymore I'm the baby I almost I'm like I don't even want to overthink it too much I'm just like if I'm getting the moment and I'm like go inside me like we'll deal with it later again but it does when I think about what that's like and my friends with kids I'm like that is a lot yeah that's a lot. We're now at the age where you really start thinking about it. And I know that I always tell people, like, don't get worried about anything. Like, you always fucking handle it.

Like, you always figure it out. But then, you know how careers are so strategic? Like, they're still, like, planned out. You have your manager and you have your agent and how things are going to go. And then it's like, that's a pretty big change. I mean, but then we have Ali Wong out here, you know, crushing it. And I think, oh, all the people listening are going to are doing similar things and having the same, like, questions and stuff with their life.

Yeah, for sure. But you're in this time where your, yeah, your career is working, and it would be drastic, but it also could be beautiful. Totally. Like, you know what's so weird, though, is I have in the last 24 hours, like, oh, I'm hungry, sorry. There's been three TikToks on my for you page. Do you want to piece of this bar? No, no, I'm okay. Three TikToks on my for you page in the last day of like how the happiest, do you know what, the happiest women, the happiest people on earth.

are single women without children. Have you heard this? I've heard that they say, I've heard the happiest is like being in a happy relationship. Then like, then like middle is like single and then the saddest is being in a bad relationship. But that doesn't factor babies in.

Okay. That doesn't factor babies. And with babies, I get single and alone. Yeah. My problem is we both have men who are older who have lived their whole life single and alone who love it and then it's like do we fuck that shit up do you understand how many times i've said

in the in our relationship to him i've been like so like were you just like sitting around waiting for me to show up and he and you know what he says no i loved my life i i was so happy he's like i'll be like where what would you be doing right now if we had never met he'll be like i would be sitting right here reading a book I'd be loving it it would be awesome maybe I'd order some foe like sushi yeah maybe not and I'm like you know what you're good for my mental health because I will never that's called a secure attachment style his yeah that's secure yeah he has that that we know I have I think I have an anxious attachment I don't know what he always is telling me the ones I have they're really bad they're like bad news well they say the anxious with a secure is actually the best i mean too secure

is probably the best but too anxious actually fuck i don't know enough to speak on that i was like way deep in the rabbit hole everyone's taking notes and i'm like scratch it scratch it start over this is fucked up but i'm doing my bachelorette party in miami it's gonna be i i'm actually similar to you i think i read this where you're like I don't like college like I didn't love college I don't really like partying I just know how to like work and like I love making people laugh so I'm like what do like normal people do to have fun like yeah so I try to plan that for my friends and then I'm like Dez are you gonna have a bachelor party and he's like look my whole life's been a bachelor party he goes I'm gonna sit back and I'm just gonna close my eyes and remember things and I go that is so far dumb that is so funny like he's just lived his life already he even recently he even recently he even recently he's was like do you remember like before we met like the beginning of the pandemic like how simple that was and I'm like I feel like you're attacking me right now like but also like we bring the drama like what like you know how bored they'd be without us that's what I'm really clinging to that

I'm clean to that like I'll get home from just like a night out at the stand-up club and I'm like you won't believe who broke up with so and so and like what would he be doing like fucking reading news on the Irish times like I'm giving him the real tea this is quality like high quality t that I've had to leverage a lot of relationships to get you know you're leveraging things anyway okay we have to play um end with a final game okay which I'm really excited for me too it's called the seven deadly sins seven deadly sins you're killing it you're doing very I mean very well in hell it's gotten truly dark which is where we feel most comfortable Okay. First question. What are you greedy about? Food. I'm so greedy about food. It's like

disgusting. It's so unattractive. Like literally, there's no sharing. Like, if you ask, if you even ask for a fry on my plate, I'm like, my inner monologue is like, go fuck yourself, you fucking asshole. Like, how dare you? How dare you not order your own? That is so weird. Even with your fiance. oh yes with anyone i'm trying i'm trying i am actively working on it like i'm trying i am actively working on it because it does feel good to share i've learned um but so they say so they say i'm working never from what i hear but i'm such a greedy bitch with food yeah what's your like go-to guilty pleasure like you deserve a night to just give yourself what you want i think i posted this on my insta story last night but like ordering a delivery sushi

meal and eating it in bed alone like almost turn the lights off even like just that is so everything I want in life get the mood right light a candle like and I'll also sometimes I travel with my best friend Carlos when I'm on the road and like he'll bring a Coke zero to the room and I literally I'm like I'm the luckiest girl in the world like I have Coke zero today like I'm so happy that's your love language bitch yes like it's like don't bring me flowers bring me a fountain soda what what are what are you greedy about oh i'm definitely the same greedy about about food i think i'm also greedy about being heard oh okay that's a good one like i i i which is goes back to the very beginning of this podcast which is why like i like i hate being misunderstood i feel like oh i just have to be heard by these people and

they'll get it like i'm like a fighter like i want to and i and i want to like when something bad happens to me I want to like, I have kind of a teacher mentality. I come from a lot of like teachers in my family where I think I feel like I'm like a millennial stupid preacher where I'm like, okay, this guy texted me something and I fucked it up. I need to tell you guys about it, which is kind of why I think standup came like naturally to me. I literally, I relate to that because I remember when I first got broken up with in LA at the

comedy store, every comedian was like, you are so. annoying I would just walk up to anyone at the comedy store in the hallway who had ears and I would just start talking about the breakup and people were like this is really annoying and like unacceptable you're like bonding and you're being vulnerable and you're like I'm sharing my shit I'm I'm I'm one of those people that like I go home a night and I was like all of that talking was unnecessary like you did not have to just share your life story to four people thinking that you found like four new soulmates in your life and you didn't you just wasted their fucking time. So I am greedy like that, but I do think there's a time where people can make you really feel bad for want to be a performer as a woman or like wanting attention or like wanting to be a star. People love that. People love that narrative. My favorite is when people are like, your Instagram is all pictures of you. I'm like, yeah, it's mine. It's my Instagram. It's my work. I had people on reality TV shows. People who all wanted to be on reality TV with me on the cast saying that I loved attention. I was like, we all fucking. in love what what and but once you accept because people try to tear you down for that but you accept that wait i was put on this planet to entertain people to be that annoying bitch like and i've been and it's not like something i learned from society like since i was three years old i was jumping from the camera making stupid faces being annoying and i do but i do think men are not called annoying when they're like

all over their place they might be like a ham yeah but um it's it's like accepted a little more when a guys taking up a lot of space it's just easier to be mad at women i don't know why it just is that's like society it's just so much easier well what i've does it's interesting when you've a partner going through life with you and he starts to see your perspective how people react to things versus how they react to him or how they react because he is like a very good looking distinguished silver fox we have like we could do the same thing there are very different reactions to it or just like from his career experiences or especially with comedy and then also reality TV stuff seeing how other guys will do stuff on reality TV to like start a fight or react a certain

way and people are like he got pissed and I get it where like a girl gets mad and they're like she's unhinged yeah too I know I loki kind of think about the Kanye stuff and I wonder if a woman did it what would happen she it's like scary to think about because I think like she would be like in a straight jacket I was about to say in a in a whatever room a padded room yeah for sure yeah I I I that is one thing I just I don't understand but I know that it's the way it is it's like we're just it's really easy to be mad at women and I guess sometimes I'm like I almost like learning that to be like okay yeah this is still something we have to work on oh yeah and not take it personally it's not about you or me it's just about like how

the world is it's weird i use a lot tennis metaphors on this pod you didn't know this and we're having fun with it um but like serena williams dealt with like she broke her racket and like got all these like when you get mad you break your racket sometimes and when guys break their racket it's a lot different or like they curse on the court and express themselves and get angry it's a lot more accepted and less penalized than when a woman does it when we're playing the same sport with the same emotions um wow yeah that yeah that yeah also you were a dancer yeah which i wanted to bring up but we got like really into other stuff why did you love dancing and why did you stop i i i don't know what got me into it i just like

i loved i loved i loved i loved my dance classes like i don't know it just became like very almost like a religion for me like i just loved going to my class and working hard and doing ballet and i love the community i did it all at um i can do a lot of tap for you if you want me to. That's fun. But I thought I was going to be a dancer and then I realized that like my favorite thing about dance class was going and making my friends laugh. And so that was sort of how I like discovered this other path. But I totally use dance metaphors all the time. Like it's weird. Like it applies to stand up of like ballet is so simple. It's like you just go to class and you get better and you learn because I know I notice a lot of people say they're like,

I can't dance. I can't dance. And I'm like, anyone can dance. You know, anyone can dance. You just have to take class. So I feel like I've applied that to everything in life. It's like anyone can, if I was a bad stand-up comedian, I can just keep doing it and get better. Like that's sort of like the lesson that dance has given me, I think. Have you ever questioned like quitting comedy or if you are like funny enough and that kind of vibe?

Are you deep down? Definitely never questioned quitting. But 100% you go through the phases where you're like, I'm not good, I suck, I can't do it. I mean, that, I don't, does that ever go away for anyone? I don't know, what about you? Well, I recently heard someone being like, the second you think you're the best, like you're in trouble.

Oh, yeah, that, you always, to think your good is sickening. To think you're good is like mental illness. The scary, truly scariest opinion you could have on yourself. Absolutely. But you don't want to think you're bad. It's such a thin line of like, you have to be insecure enough to be like, this is, this has to get better, but you can't be so insecure that it's debilitating that you're not going on stage. You have to stay hungry. I don't know if you watch the Kanye documentary, but I'm

obsessed with the Kanye documentary. I'm like posting on it on Instagram. I've become a missionary for this documentary. Where's my phone? Have you never like wanted to be a rapper more? This is my background. Shut the fuck up. It's a screenshot from it. Do you not feel a little awkward though with like loving talking about the story of him while also feeling shitty for like the kind of shit that's going on online towards his family yeah it's really horrible and I am definitely like I wore usies here and I don't know how I feel about it yeah I saw that I didn't want to say anything it's it's not great but I am man I yeah this is a very flawed thing of me it's like I don't it seems like he's not doing great in this moment other people especially but at the same time there's so much art

artist inspiration that he's offering up that I am really trying to absorb because if you think that I don't need new inspiration daily all day to stay inspired at this career like you're just crazy like and so I'm appreciative I mean what isn't it incredible it is I like I cried the I cried the second episode when his dreams started to come true because this man came from nothing in terms of like he had no hookup he didn't know anybody he wasn't even in a place where like rap was thriving and had this insane belief in himself and not only did he just like believe in himself and his dreams happened he believed in himself and people didn't like people when he walks in the office of rock nation and the secretary straight up like start talking to someone else and he walks out unbelievable

those are things that could make someone literally say yeah you're done as they say in ticot you're done go home dude especially like the second episode like he when he's still being dicked around i'm like i've never related to anything so hard like when you're on this hustle and people tell you one thing but they don't mean it and they hold you for something and they're kind of wasting your time like i just really related and i've never seen it's so honestly depicted like what you have to go through obviously i'm not a rapper but like i still fucking relate to it musicians and um comics do have this weird connection where i feel like musicians want to be comics and comics want to be musicians sometimes like i do see that i feel like

i definitely don't want to be a music actually that's a lie i want to be a brittney spears i totally lie yeah i wish i was brittany spires did i take everything i said back from the beginning of the yeah start over now well there's this thing of like like even before my tryout for this thing i was like you're an m&m like palms a sweaty spaghetti on a sweater you know that shit And I was like, this is the time to perform. But it's always, it's a nuance of different ways. But this man's belief in himself. And then, yeah, like, you don't see.

Like, I look at your career and I'm like, oh, my God, she got all these great things. But I don't see the things that you didn't get. I don't see the times that people were like, what are you fucking doing? That you had to have your own voice to tell yourself to keep going. First of all, it's so nice of you to say that all of that. But just know for fact right now that my dad told me that my talent. My talent in this world, my dad said my talent in this world, is handling rejection. That's what I'm actually good at.

He's like, no one knows it, but that's what you're good at. Why do you think you're so good at it? I have no choice. You have to handle it. You have to be told no a thousand times. And it's what Kanye did. Everyone said no and dicked him around and he still believed in himself. and it's like I don't even know if I definitely don't believe in myself Kanye level

like which is probably which is ultimately we're all grateful for that but like it's I again I just get so passionate and worked up about it because I think being told no and being okay is like a life skill how many additions do you think you've done in your life it's an embarrassing amount that went so bad that I like how dare you bring it up it's so rude my day was actually going okay at this point well it's funny because I talk to people I'm like I want to start doing auditions and they're like it is the worst you know I'll hate your life and I'm like who cares do but you can't get that without that what they say about tennis you can win a match 6464 and

lose 40% of the points so you win but you lost 45% of it losing so you're saying it's like you basically lost but you still won like you lost so much in the process of winning. Oh, okay. It's kind of like when you're doing sales, like I did cold call sales and they basically were like, are you good at, you know, like people hanging up on you and stuff? And I'm like, I mean, no one like gets off on it. But like basically you do 100 calls and you get two sales and that's a very successful day. You made money. But you can't get those two sales without the 100. Exactly. Which is very similar to I feel like casting and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. No, you have to do me and my friend Carl's are writing a movie together. And

And what I always say, it's like, it's so easy to get this movie made. We just have to do a million annoying things first. I'm like, it's going to be so easy, but we, which is, you know, just be telling myself that, but just do the, do all the really, really hard, annoying things. That, like, other people might not want to do. Yeah. Wow. But there's also that point to where people are like, never quit, never quit.

And then sometimes you should. Totally. I've also quit a lot. You also have to know, yes, I didn't want to bring that up, but you are quitter. But it's something I think in your gut where you realize like I'd rather fail at this and succeed at something else. Yeah. And also most certainly don't let someone else tell you you should quit.

True. If you're going to, you can absolutely, there's nothing wrong with quitting something, but it to come from you. Yes. Because no one else knows shit. No. Oh my gosh. And a lot of the time people are just like nays.

you to feel better about themselves. Duh, bitch. Which I didn't realize. Like, someone once told me, like, early on in my career, they were like, yeah, but like, your timing is not great. And I, like, remember that for a while. I'm like, my timing's not good. And my friend was like, you were saying no to them as a manager.

And they were trying to make you feel like you needed them. They don't even know stand up and they were telling you about timing. What is that even fucking mean? Timing? The only thing you have is comedic timing. The rest is crap. Like, that's all you were born with. Anyway, continue your game.

We segued, but that's important. Who are you envious of? Oh, my gosh. Who am I envious of? I am, okay, I'm envious. I say this and I feel like people don't believe me. I'm really envious of like my dad's life. Like, oh, wow.

Because it's so, like, he's 78 years old. He sits on the couch all day. He, he, he, he's like a cat. My mom comes home from work, makes him like a, vegan dinner that's like chef crafted and he just does whatever the fuck he wants and like yes he's 78 and he would fight me like what how are you so he's like I would do anything to be younger and have your life whatever but I think like he goes on his walks he gets my mom to like feed him home cooked food like like I got a text like you're describing a dog a literal dog in a

in a wealthy home they are far from wealthy far from it but I do feel like that is ultimately like the life I wish I had I wish my mom was taking care of me well yeah true I do think it's important to manifest like the chase still of like like I want to have be in Montana with like a cat sanctuary with like some dogs as well because I love dogs too I want to be covered in seven dogs yes that's the goal suffocated yes almost scared for my life um would you say in any way you have daddy issues which is a stereotypical thing no i don't even really like i never that that term is like not in my vocabulary absolutely not no i have a family yeah is that isn't that enough yeah yeah it's like they're annoying and it's complicated i'll pose like a stand-up bit about like jizz and someone's

like daddy issues and i'm like no jizz is funny jizz is just a funny it's just a funny thing funny word that we should say. But that's also just another meaningless term like to like put down a woman. It's just like saying cunt or something. It's like it doesn't mean anything. Men really non-stand-up comedian men hate stand-up woman. It's a weird thing I've found online.

Everyone is projecting. Once you like really nail it down and like can conceptualize that everyone who comments something negative is like literally talking to themselves you're like, okay thanks for the algorithm boosts. We love, it's one

people start finding with each other that it really benefits me because then I don't have to add anything to the heat I could live my life it's like you know they're working while I'm brushing my teeth um when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger like against me or I on someone you on someone like is anger and emotion that you you feel it's really rare it's really rare um I kind of hmm I got into it with my family recently um and yeah i'll i got in i get into it with my family like i'll get i got really nasty about something and then i i got off the phone and then i called back and was like i'm really sorry because i'm like working on myself and i'm like that i'm like that was all about me and i'm

really sorry and it's funny how they're so used to me they're like we don't care we'd barely noticed. They're like, yeah, we're fine. No one cares. I was like, oh, sick. You're giving a whole speech based on like a wellness podcast you did. And they're like, honestly, you've wasted 20 minutes of our day. But it's funny. I really like Gabby Bernstein after meeting her. And she's, her biggest advice was like, if you're going to put work towards something, invest in the work on yourself. And all the rest is going to come. That is very true. I believe that which is crazy because you know when you're like sitting around you're like I need to answer all these emails even though I know I should probably like go into mental health walk but like these

emails are really important yeah when it's like you do that mental health walk and watch things like just come naturally it's a lot better and I I also had to set boundaries with my parents because this is so lame and embarrassing but like they talk about sex in front of me and it's like really vile and it's like do you stand up about this I have tried a lot of Because it's very unique. I feel like no one is. That's a good, that is a good point. Yeah. But it's so, I'm sorry. It's so painful. Like, it's so, and I'm like, it's funny, but I'm, it, I anyways, I set boundaries. They're too cool. They are too cool for me. I, but it worked. I was impressed. I was like, wait, they want to change with me. Like, if I get serious enough, people will respect it.

But you can't even have boundaries until you listen to yourself of what you really want. That's right. And boundaries I've learned also are something that you set for yourself, not for other people. So it's like you can tell someone. This one was a little different because it's like I really needed to tell them. Please don't do that. But ultimately it's like, well, if you do that, I'm not going to answer the phone and, you know. I'm proud of you, but I also think your parents, I love that they're at least not like shaming you for sex. That's true. That is, yeah, that's something. when was the last time you wear a sloth so like a lazy piece of shit i feel like every day i'm working towards sloth mode at the end of the day like every night like if i do a set i know i'm gonna get home eat an edible fucking maybe even order some food yeah and i call it tablet time i pull up my iPad and I'm just there and I'm zoning and like do not talk to me do not look at me do you go to bed really late um it's always different but when I'm doing stand-up I do because I'm so amped up from yeah you're all buzzed I like to call it there's no way to just go home and go to bed early like

that is a dream that I've given up on when are you most creative in the day um I think I'm most creative uh when I take an edible oh yeah like at night because I was about to say Or when I'm laughing with fun friends, like that's when you're silly. It's like your filter goes away and you could really play around. Yes. It's like our form of playing in the playground. Yeah. Yeah.

It also, our jobs have like so many different parts to it. Do you find it hard to be like working on your, you know, memorizing lines for things, working on your stand-up bit, but then also like writing a movie? I would, but I don't do. I really try hard to not do those things at the same. kind of time so it's like if i'm working on let's say doll face for three months i'm i'm really like putting stand-up out of the brain like for three months that's like really good boundaries because i feel like you could guilt yourself to be like well other people are doing stand-up yeah behind three

months when it's like i that i'm so done with that part of my life like and you know what's so fucked is i used to be so insecure because i would say well the guy comics they can do they shoot their TV shows and then they go out and they do a set that night after and I used to be like I just don't I guess I just don't have energy and then I later find out they're like raping people at night I'm like oh that's why they're like addicted to rape or they just love drinking yeah it's like their excuse to drink but they're working yeah wow yeah you never know what's actually going on in other people's lives so you cannot compare for years I was like I'm just like I'm just like lazy when it's like no you don't have a dick that needs to be sucked immediately by an underage

woman um okay when when was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something like how's your ego now that you're um very famous and successful um the ego is definitely every i keep myself i'm surrounded by like all the same people kind of and it's that's just that's not going to be an issue for me oh so you have you like to keep your circle Yeah, but I still like have new friends and stuff all the time. But like I definitely don't keep my circle small. I would say I have a small inner circle that's not going anywhere. You know, my childhood best friend from second grade. Dave who I've been with for 10 years. I talk to my parents all the time. My sister who's just like makes my life hell because she's so mean to me. Important. Important. Carlos, been my friend for 10 years. Like I just nobody's letting me get away with anything. I think that's. And I'll try. Don't get it twisted. I will try.

I'll be like, I'm amazing. You have to listen to me. Look at what I've done. And they're just like, you need to shut the fuck up. I once asked one of my like tight producer friends. Like I got late to some filming and I was like, I need a chai latte. And he was like, you need a shutout. I was like, I've been like working so much.

I've been traveling. It's like crazy. I just need a chai latte. And he's like, you can get your chai latte. that's so funny and true though because i i've been i totally understand how people change through fame like i totally get it because people start treating you differently yeah and if you just start surrounding yourself with people who start treating you like when you walk in the room you are the shit and there's like yes people around you and i'm so yes people are such a problem in your career

because like i recently was working on this audition set and this guy i've known since the beginning i started comedy was like that's not good enough when literally so many people are like it's amazing and then he finally was like that's you're not going to get it with that and I switched my setup and it totally worked and I'm so happy you told me whoa you know you don't really know you're like they're all your babies you don't know which one is right you need you absolutely need outside feedback like that is honest and true instead of people just being like oh my god everything you touch turns to gold that's scary yeah and just people who like kind of want to be your friend yeah and also that being said it's like totally they'll be I I'm always prepared when I like if I have an idea I'll pitch it to Dave like that's like the last step and I'm always prepared for him to not like it and for me to still stick with it but I will at least take that feedback and like take it seriously yes but also like you also trust yourself the most you know yes and that's me having trouble with my own gut asking everyone including the waiters at the comedy club what I should do for my what I literally went up to one the waitresses and I was like what's your favorite bit of mine

this is like super important and she was like I'm an open micer and I was like no but you do a type five like that's what you do with open mics like you know and she was like she literally looked me and she's like I love you wrong person ask and I was like and I respect that from you next host okay final question besides the British DJ when was the last time you lusted over someone besides your fiance like do you have a celebrity crush or like what's your vibe who are we into oh my god i so do and i talk about it in my set oh my god she her face lit up you guys i am so attracted to only in the first two seasons but kendall roy on succession oh my god literally he's so pathetic it's like it's hot he's so pathetic the way in the first season where he fucks his ex-wife

and he misses her so much it's so sad and he's the one that messed it all up too like you did this to yourself honey it just so hot and then when his dad talks him and he can't even make eye contact and he doesn't know how to put words together in front of him you little bitch i love it i don't know what it is i just love it why not season three kendall i feel like he got a little too high high on himself like i just wasn't feeling it as as as hard core as i was the first two seasons but um i heard there's like tension on set and i don't want to be um gossipy but like he really gets into his role yeah like he does what's it called where you act like method maybe yeah and people are like a little freaked down right yeah that's

definitely not my personal approach um but it look the show is great he's fucking great and um yeah he's inspired role play in my life so oh my god really yes oh my god i talk about it in my set so I won't like do my bit here and be lame but it's fine I've I feel like role playing especially with like people who are actually actors is like interesting yeah I mean it weirdly like it makes me even more nervous than I'm bad at it but I that doesn't mean it made me try stop at the part oh my god okay to wrap this up what advice would you give to the little devil's listening about when you're going through hell when you're in your darkest How do you cope?

You have to deep, deep down, believe that it will get better, and you have to just decide that you know that. And even though you know it hurts now, it will get better. So just fucking push through the fucking annoying, push through the a million annoying little things that you have to get to to get to the easy happy side on the other side i know that made no sense grammatically but no i got it and i know you don't believe in god but do you believe that there's like fate or like a carmic energy like what makes you believe that it's going to be okay because everything is up to you and you're in

complete control of your life and if you decide that like i view my you're like a little robot if you program your robot self knowing that it's going to get better if you just do XYZ to get through, there's no way it won't work. Wow, I have chills. Esther, you are incredible. Where can people listen, follow? People should, people should listen to you on Trash Tuesday. Oh my God, it was an honor of privilege. It's literally like one of my favorite podcasts out there right now of like these comedians. You fit in so well in our crew. I literally felt like I got invited to like the fun girls table and we just got to like have fun and then I left and I'm like I hope I see you later um listen to trash Tuesday Tuesday the episode it's also on

youtube yes yes what else watch doll face I have a clothing line follow me in Instagram and TikTok I'm obsessed with your TikTok by the way it's I'm obsessed with TikTok in general I you're killing it in a way that's different from everyone else and I'm so grateful yes yes we'll talk offline because the way you use the voice that everyone's using you did it so no no you really it's it's special um no thank you for this was so much fun i can talk to you forever and ever i feel like i've been wanting you on the pod for months and i've also gone messages of people wanting you on it so this has been a dream manifestation come true everyone follow her and i'm currently wearing her sweatpants sleepover by esther yes and your stuff and your aesthetic and your style and your humor

is something to be aspirational about you're so nice that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said and with that i'm going to end on a high note Thank you guys so much for coming to hell today And I'll talk to you guys later Bye Bye