Berner Phone - Gabby Bernstein: How To Heal Trauma & Self Soothe

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Gabby was named by the New York Times as the "guru" of our generation, but she simply wants to help people find happiness by sharing her own traumas, emphasizing self-love, forgiveness, and a holistic approach to spirituality. She started by hosting intimate conversations with a couple people in her apartment and now Gabby has grown into speaking to tens of thousands in sold-out venues throughout the world. Listen to Gabby coach me about my own traumas and what we learn about that journey. BUY HER NEW BOOK HAPPY DAYS ON AMAZON NOW! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning and Hell. I'm not going to freak out, but I do have the dream guest on Burning in Hell. Maybe I manifested it. Who knows? It's possible. But I'm your host, Hannah Burner, and we are with the iconic, incredible Gabby Bernstein. New York Times bestseller, many times over. many times over, dear Gabby Pod, Oprah names you the new thought leader, and you have a new book

out called Happy Days, The Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace. I am like hyped up just saying the title of that book. Gabby, welcome to hell. Girlfriend, I told you when I saw your face on the Zoom that I have the biggest fucking girl crush on you. And I literally reached, there's very, I'm probably going to tell you that you might be the only podcasts that I said to my publicist, go after this one. Like, I want to meet her. I want to be friends with her. I want to be on her fucking podcast. So here we are. I'm obsessed with you because I actually

was super depressed in 2018 and I went Googling. And I was like, what is going on? I'm so unhappy. And that's when I first discovered you when I was in my dark time. And I just remember seeing you and thinking like if this woman can speak out and find happiness and speak her truth and be so vulnerable I'm like why can't I so I've been following you for a couple years so even the fact that you even know my name is is wild in this universe I've been drawn to you for similar reasons seeing like oh wow this woman is so brave and she's doing such fun work that is profound and she speaks her voice and I'm proud of you and I fucking think you're I'm a Leo, so I'll take the compliments.

That dichotomy. And I think for a lot of people that like search for brightness and like big things, a lot of the times you're struggling with dark things. And let's get right into it and get dark. Can you explain trauma to me and the difference between the small tea and the big tea? I'm someone who's been through many different forms of trauma as you. Can you explain to the audience a little more about that? Yeah, I'm going to jump into that.

but before I want to really acknowledge something that you said, you just said that some of, sort of, I'll paraphrase, but that those of us who have stepped into bright, creative endeavors and sort of have this desire to express ourselves, that is often the after effect of deep dark inner work that has been brought to the surface so it can be manifested and used for, the greater good. So I really want to acknowledge that because for anyone that's suffering or

struggling right now, I want you to recognize that your struggles have the opportunity to be transmuted and transformed into your greatest source of power. Oh, sorry, I have chills. It's important to begin the journey of this conversation by just witnessing that there is light on the other side. That's why I've been working as a spiritual teacher for 16 years is just one for my own recovery, being in the pursuit of that freedom from my traumas from my past so that I could be free in this present moment. It sounds like a form of comprehending the question of like, why me?

Like, you know, when something bad happens to you and you're like, why? Why? Like, did I deserve this? Did I do something in a past life? Am I just like, is this? like is this just my fate yeah i think that there's two ways to move through life before i answer the full-blown trauma question i actually want to share this story so in the first chapter of my book i'm 24 years old i'm telling the story of being 24 in my beat-up white corolla with like the

gatorade bottle on the floor i haven't slept the night before and i'm in my car just adhering to the alternate side of the street parking regulations in new york city If anyone's parked in New York, you know what I'm talking about. I'm sitting in that car and I'm watching all these people go to work with their shoulder bags and their coffees and they look so put together and I'm going nowhere. I've literally just come back from a party 30 minutes ago. I'm pressing play and rewind over and over on a cassette tape. Yes, I'm 42 years old.

So this is a cassette tape. at 24. And I'm pushing it into the pressing play, pressing rewind, pressing rewind. And the same audio over and over. And the audio is a psychic that I had seen five months earlier. And in the beginning of the audio, she says, you're struggling with drugs and alcohol. And I hear my voice trembling. I respond, well, it's not that bad. And then it goes on. You have two choices in this lifetime and you can exercise free will. You can choose to stay on drugs and have a really hard time or you can get sober and get clean and make a major impact on the world. And I just keep replaying and replaying and replaying. Why I share that story right now is I couldn't comprehend what that

meant then, but it's really reflective of what you just said. When we're going through a dark moment, we are in this opportunity, this awakening. Rumi said the wound is the place where the light enters you. So if you're in this moment of crisis, you can hear those same words that I kept repeating. I can carry on like this. That's one choice. Or I can show up for this and make a major impact, be the happiest version of myself, and show up for myself in ways that I never thought were possible.

and so I think that's a really beautiful place for us to start this conversation of like you know you were in 2018 like making that same choice and the list many listeners are in this position right now where they're like addicted or they're depressed or they're overly anxious and the question is are you going to show up for what's up because if you don't it's going to keep showing up yeah and sometimes I feel like you get comfortable in whatever annoyance that is your life and it almost takes a full shit show for you to be like oh i literally can't go on like this anymore so even though you're like why did this horrible thing happen to me sometimes it is that word you use an awakening that is so freaking painful and you question like just how why the world is the way it is to then kind of see a new form of living that's exactly right i'm going to throw you another quote that it's really quite epic we love quotes on burning in hell umma the hugging saint she said that when an eggshell cracks from the outside it's broken but when it cracks from the inside it's reborn who chills full body chills there and the reason that's so beautiful for this

this conversation is that what exactly what you're saying is these moments of crisis whether they be massive bottoms like me being 25 in a cocaine addict getting clean and sober or just looking at your life and being like, is this it? You know, those are not, that's enough of a bottom to crack open from the inside out. So we have these, these moments of time in our life where we can make that decision. And hopefully somebody listening right now, this might be their moment. And I believe that. I believe we're guided to listen to exactly what we need. And so in the book, I talk about trauma. And, you know, it's funny. And I think that in my, five years ago, if this book had come out, I don't believe it would have been nearly as well

received as it is going to be right today, right now. Because I think that living through a worldwide pandemic and witnessing so much of the suffering in the world in real time personally and throughout the world, we have a lot of people have started to ask themselves that question. Am I going to wake up or am I going to stay numb? Yeah, I mean, I think some of us are still just processing what's going on. Like, we don't even know, we're not even close to understanding the level of what a pandemic, how it actually affects our mental health. And our nervous system and our old traumas.

So that's the other thing. So let's talk about trauma for a second. So trauma with a big tea, trauma with a small tea. So you and I have both expressed that we've had both. So trauma with a big tea in the book I share very vulnerably about remembering. at 36 years old, remembering sexual abuse from my childhood. That's a big T trauma, rape, any kind of violence, a catastrophic event that you've lived through, repeated neglect, an alcoholic parent, big T trauma. A small T trauma is being bullied, but we've seen these

small T traumas like being bullied overlooked and overlooked. Just recently in the news, that poor boy that hung himself, that teenage, and his mom, spoke out about it. It's like that would be perceived as a small T trauma, but it took his life. Yeah. And so we have to start to look at the moments in life when someone tells you you're stupid when you're young or we know just feeling inadequate or not seen. And those encounters with the small T or big T traumas affect every move we make from that point forward. And my therapist This one said to me, your trauma affects the way you brush your teeth. Ooh.

You know? And so right now, anyone who's alive has lived through trauma in many other ways, but particularly I can say it with full certainty. We've all lived through a collective trauma called COVID. So this is a moment where we can start to take some action to undo the thought patterns from our past and thought patterns that we've created in the last two years, and not just thought patterns, but energetic disturbances in our system and start to self-soothe. Well, I'm in this place where I dealt with a lot of trauma this last year, and I'm like,

okay, I'm ready to get over it. Like, I'm ready. But, you know, when your body is just like, mount, we're still upset. And then my therapist is like, feel your feelings. But then they're also like self-soothe and don't harp on it. So it's this combination of like, feel my feelings, but also don't repeat the trauma over and over in your head. Could I dear Gabby you for a second? I would love. I would love. I'd be honored. The dear Gabby means like coaching you kind of. So, so here's my dear Gabby for you. To say like just to push you into feeling the feelings or to tell yourself I'm going to get over it, would you say that to a kid, like a little child that's having a hard time would you be like get over it you know it's time to move on no i'd be like you

lie down i'll get some candles and you do whatever you need to do for as long as you need to do it i'm trained in a therapeutic process called internal family systems therapy otherwise known as i fs i write about it in depth in the book and it's it's probably the most profound healing i've had throughout my journey and in the book i talk about all these different styles of trauma recovery from EMDR to somatic experiencing to spiritual practices. But the IFS model is really profound in that it helps you recognize that the moments in your life that were traumatizing were, whether they were young, child moments or even adult experiences, we push them down, tuck them away, say things like, I'm over it, I'm moving

on. But what ultimately happens is that we actually build up all these other parts of ourselves, self-protective parts of ourselves. And in IFS, we'd call it protector parts. For the lexicon here, I'll just say parts of ourselves that are there to be first responders so that we don't have to feel that trauma and that impermissible feeling. And so coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms. And we'll call them coping mechanisms, protector parts, whatever. Workaholism, alcoholism. addiction, raging, controlling, you know, just sort of even sleeping, numbing out, checking out, gossiping, judging, all these habits that we might witness in ourselves and say, oh, that's a pretty crappy habit, or it's a really bad addiction, but they're actually

in place to shut down those impermissible feelings. And so the first step in beginning the journey of undoing those fear-based feelings that are causing these negative reactions. And also another form of coping is like even physical symptoms, like gastrointestinal issues or migraines. These physical psychosomatic symptoms show up as a way of helping us, quote, air quotes, avoid the impermissible feelings. And so you don't want to go straight into the impermissible feelings. feelings because that's going to blow you out like it's just going to be too difficult so right now what i want to suggest is to just look at with me for a moment is there is there a particular coping mechanism or protector part that's really activated for you right now work yeah i'm on the road

i'm doing comedy it's where i can be in the moment like when you're doing stand-up you can't start spacing out like you do in a conversation or in a social situation you have to be present and I forget everything in those moments. Yeah, it's funny that you say that. In Happy Days I talk about how when I was on stage because I'm a motivational speaker that while I was suffering with workaholism and postpartum, excuse me, well, yes, I had that too, but suffering with unresolved trauma, I was on stage and that was when I felt most free.

And that's because that's when we're channeling and when we're really, stepping out of the story but it's also and you're connecting and you're connecting and it's beautiful but it also is another form of protection it's another protective part because it's a way of getting above the pain with a workaholic mindset I feel like sometimes the concept of like healing trauma is kind of super boring like I'm like what does that even look like me just sitting in it or me doing breath work well yes and so what I want to say is let's look at the workaholic part right now. And the real journey is to start to give, to be a little bit curious about her and to extend some compassion. Is it a her? I don't want to just check in with

your body for a quick second. Is there a gender? Is there a physical sensation that you would give to this part? Yeah, it's a little girl who wants to be successful. Yeah. Okay. So let's ask her what she needs right now she needs like unconditional acceptance there you go does she know that you're here with her right now i've been not always present for her okay okay in this moment does she notice you yeah cool and is there how do you feel towards that you feel towards her right now oh i love her so much oh i just got chill and is there uh anything you want to say to her that would just let her know that i want to let her know that like she doesn't have to try so hard and that she's like so much more than the stuff on paper she's looking for and that

those things are just honestly making things more difficult and stunting her. And so what else, anything else that she needs from you? I mean, she just, to be like the best person she can be, she needs space, like to explore and be creative. And now I've found my creative kind of path and that's where I feel my most free. and I don't and it's like my own journey that I created for myself um so I think she's happy about it but also but also we want to work through like we're having a lot of ego deaths right now okay so you said that she wants to feel like she has space to be creative

mm-hmm is there like a place or like an experience in your life that like feels feel spacious and creative? When I was little, I loved painting. Oh, okay, okay. But I also, when I was little, I had a very structured life because I was a, as a tennis player, she could not choose what she was doing after school. She was going to practice. She was doing homework.

Did she want to paint? Yeah. Okay. But she also, what was more fun than painting was winning, like the immediate gratification of winning on the tennis court. Okay, okay. So there's a lot here, and I would love if I had like another hour, I would go deep with you. But for this moment, what's going to be extremely profound is if you can just visualize for yourself in your mind a place where you could paint with her.

And you can describe that place to me. You see it? Yeah. It's where I grew up in Brooklyn, and it was like this huge mirror. And there was no one around and it was just like very spacious. And she could do whatever she wanted with no judgment. There you. But she was proud of everything.

Like she could do anything and she was proud of it. So right here, right now, just place your hand on your heart. And let's just close your eyes for a moment. And let's just visualize you taking her with you to the place in Brooklyn where she can be free to create without any judgment. Yeah, it feels very safe. it feels warm and time feels like you're not worried about the past or the future you're just like doing something that brings you joy excellent you're extremely good at this process oh my god's

I'm a Leo you know I love a compliment how do you feel in your body right now just we're this is fast you know we're doing this quickly want to acknowledge how are you feeling well It's kind of crazy that this all was here, like I had it in me, and you just kind of shifted my perspective. Yes, yes. And it reminds me when I was reading of your book, you were talking about self-regulation, self-soothing, which is something that I've not been good at my whole life. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But a skill that, like, we don't get taught.

Right. No, we don't. And it's all in this book. And that's what you just did is literally self-soothing. Because in IFS, there's these protector parts, but there's. is also the self with a capital S. And that's the courageous, calm, compassionate, creative part of us that has the ability to retrieve those scared parts and bring them back to safety. And so what we just did was a retrieval very quickly. And I'm here for you on speed dial if you

ever want to go deeper. I appreciate that. It's my passion. Like I'm obsessed with it. But what we just did, and this is for the listener to be able to. to do with himself is to simply look and notice at that addictive pattern or in your case it was the workaholic or in somebody else's case it's like the stress or the anxiety to witness it and just look at it and ask it some questions just say say get curious just get curious about what it what you notice about it what it needs and just let it reveal to you what it needs and in that moment if you can extend compassion and calmness you begin to self-soothe instantly and then you can bring in a breath practice and then you can bring in a meditation and then you can bring in some EFT but what happens

too often is and it's fine there's nothing wrong with this what happens too often is people are like I'm doing my breath practice or like I'm doing my exercise or I'm doing my meditation over the feeling over the storyline, over that younger part that needs some resolution or some support. And so if you can just identify and notice first and ask a little questions, get curious, be compassionate, and bring that part of yourself into the healing and the self-soothing, then it's a deeper process. What would you say to people who are having a lot of trouble choosing compassion with their storyline? Well, it's really deep work and it takes a lot of time.

And not everyone has what's called direct access to self, which you do have. You had it immediately. Immediately you were like, oh, girl, I love you so much. You just have such deep love and compassion for that little girl. And that's not most people. And that's also a sign that you've been doing a lot of therapy and that you're just extremely committed to yourself with personal growth. So you're a rock star.

And anyone who's listening to this but hasn't done any therapy or personal growth, you're a rock star because you're listening. You know, you're still putting five minutes in and you're still fucking listening. So what would they do if they don't have self-compassion? In the book, I talk about steps for reparenting yourself. And it's really profound. So early in the pandemic, I have a toddler. And we all had our kids at home and my husband and I run our business.

And it was just like really chaotic. So I was reading every single book by this, Dr. Dan Siegel, who's a profound child psychologist. And it was just going nuts with his work. And one of the methods is the four S's, scene, sooth, safe, secure. And so if you have compassion, if you're having trouble being compassionate towards yourself, just take out your notebook. And just for the scene question, just notice what, once again, like what it is that your anxiety needs you to know, notice what your fear wants to tell you.

Just make a list. and then for the secure for the for the soothed you know write down a list of ways that you could so maybe it's like putting your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly and just breathing maybe it's journaling more maybe it's going to a therapy maybe it's listening to this podcast like what are some things that you could do to soothe yourself and then really what makes you feel safe like write a list of okay I'm safe when I'm in my bed I'm safe when I'm with my best friend whatever the answers are petting my My cat.

I have the best kitten in the whole world. Oh, congratulations. That makes me so happy. I've got to show you my kitten. She is actually on my list. And then really recognizing that if I start to commit to more of these practices, I can actually create a secure environment for myself. And that would be a proactive, actionable thing to do if you don't have that direct line of compassion

right away. Yeah, yeah. That compassion comes with the commitment. to just continue to go inward. Because at the core of who we are is that compassionate self. I'm trying to think of the like millennial women that are that listened to this pod. And I do think social media is the root of so much pain and like lack of compassion at times because I don't think our brains are supposed to know what people are doing.

So many people are doing at so many times. Do you have any advice for finding compassion when you're always comparing on social media? I am your big sister, sister. Okay, I want to be the 42-year-old elder speaking to all of you beautiful young women right now. And I want to extend, first extend my self-energy to that. I want to extend so much love and compassion to you, Hannah, and to everyone listening. And I hope you actually can truly feel this, that you're good enough, you're lovable. You're so profoundly transformational.

And the shit that you see online is a bunch of fucking bullshit. I want to give the best piece of advice I could give this person, which is to, there's two pieces of advice here. One is only follow the people who make you feel good. A lot of stuff about manifesting out there on the internet now. The secret to manifesting is to feel good in your energy system. because when you're feeling free and you're feeling good, you become what I call a super attractor, just start to magnetize towards yourself. And you know this.

I'm sure you've seen it. Like when you're in the flow and you're feeling good, just more opportunity, more cool things, more just more inner peace. That's the biggest manifestation. So only follow folks that make you feel good. That's number one. Number two, if you find yourself and notice yourself being jealous of something that you see online, instead of being jealous and sort of reactive, what if you've, you've, you've

decided to see that as what I call Driftwood. This is like a great manifesting phrase. Okay, so you want to be a comedian and you see Hannah rocking her shit out there and it makes you excited and you are in love with her, but you're also kind of like, I kind of want to be like that and I'm not like that. If she's doing it, I can't do it and all those storylines. Instead, what if you saw her success as Driftwood as a moment of recognizing, oh, well, that's, I'm seeing that. I'm seeing that. because it's the universe reminding me of what I'm capable of. Yes. Huge transformation there, huge reorganization there.

When I was, you know, trying to conceive, I would see, like, all these pregnant women. I was, like, getting really envious. And then I was like, wait, no, the universe keeps showing me pregnant women because that's coming for me. And if you can reorganize that belief system, you can really shift your energy. And then the other thing I would say is on social, if you're trying to be seen and like that, and you're like aggressively looking at your likes and your did-da-da-da-da, then come back to that reparenting step of seeing yourself. Spend time with yourself and really witness yourself.

Make a list of all of your beautiful, positive traits. Make a list of what it is that you admire most about yourself. The other element of that is don't share anything socially or publicly from that energy of needing to be seen. that's really powerful and this is coming from someone with a million followers it's because there's a difference between wanting a following versus giving what you want to your community that's exactly right baby because you know I said I said to my publicist at one point I said you know I'm not trying to be an

influencer I want to be seen as a teacher that's my mission that's my purpose is to help people awaken to that healing and creativity and courageous energy and compassion for themselves and that is my mission so I don't give a shit about being seen I want to be in service and so you know just just reflecting that back to you why I'm so obsessed with you and I found you on social is because I see the light and the joy and the inspiration and it doesn't feel needy it feels genuinely joyful and expressive i was you know i got kind of off my my track as you like to say i was doing i did three years of reality tv and it was really positive in a lot of ways but i did find myself in a place where it's all about like gossip and attention and likes and that's purely what it is

because we're not even creating there's no creativity to it and then there's a lot of like things that I was feeling really uncomfortable with and then now that I've I've left reality TV and I'm back in comedy I'm like shedding those kind of things that I had taught myself it was okay to do because that's what I was surrounded by but comedy is hard because I want people to like me that's how I get tickets sold but then you realize you don't want to force people to like you You want your people to find you and they can only find you when I'm being myself online. That's the key. You know, I studied theater in college and I was a shitty actress.

I'm going to really probably say like I'm an exceptional motivational speaker because the thing I didn't get when I was in theater school was trying to be someone else rather than let my truth come through that character. And so when I just started being me, I, can really be magnetic and by being your authentic self you allow people to witness themselves in you wow that is so beautiful because reality tv i wasn't always being shown as authentically me and you're being produced it's like even if you are being you you're not going to be seen as you no no matter how hard you try and stand up is like in your face me like it's and that was and that is part of my healing, I think. Can you also explain the concept of a storyline a little more? Because I deal with it in reality TV what a storyline is, but it's fascinating that we actually

do have storylines that we make up. Oh, yeah. I mean, remember when I said earlier that your trauma affects how you brush your teeth? Yes. The experiences from your childhood have set you up with belief systems that are showing up in all the ways. you live your life. So when I was in sixth grade, the boy I had a crush on told me I was stupid. And for my entire education into my career, I could totally see myself as, as, you know, a great marketer, a great publicist or a great motivational speaker. But I almost didn't write my first book because I thought I was stupid. And that, you know, nine books later, imagine what would have happened if I listened to that voice.

So the, and really only in the last year at 42 years old, when I just took this training in this therapy system, IFS that we did, do I actually feel like I'm really good at school? You know, like I can actually be a, that I'm actually really intellectual and I have the ability to really learn. And that's, that's, that's 42 fucking years of recovery to be in that place now. And that's a small T trauma, small T trauma that dictated the rest of my life. So it's very important to notice that the storyline,

while it may not be so available to you, it's happening. And Abraham Hicks is a manifesting teacher that I often reference. And they say that a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. So the beliefs that we have about ourselves, are repeated thoughts that we think over and over and over again. And yes, you can change your thoughts, and that will help. But with the bigger T and the small T traumas, you don't just have to change your thoughts. You have to change the storyline.

Wow. You have to change that story in your conscious memory and in your body, in your somatic experience. Because it, like, lives in our nervous system. You know, every time, like, a guy doesn't call you back, like, there's your attachment, your anxious attachment starts to like rev up and you flip out you have to really heal that wound in order to end the the negative pattern yeah that's when you like call your friend or your mom or someone to be like tell me this is okay and they'll make you feel good temporarily but then the storyline will eke back like no they're wrong this is the truth in the book i talk about attachment styles

and are you familiar with attachment styles i'm like newly into attachment styles and i'm very interested. Let's go. And I'm actually putting out a quiz on attachment styles. It'll probably be out like a week or two after. Oh, I can't wait. As you can find out your attachment styles. So our attachment styles are based on the experiences from our childhood, particularly with our parents and our primary caregivers. And they are the ways that we were brought up directly dictate how we're going to be attached in future adult experiences. So it doesn't mean that we're the victim of our attachment style. In my book, I give all the methods of how we can undo those patterns so that we can really have freedom in relationships and really enjoy our relationships and

partnerships. But there's three different attachment styles that I will address here. And one is a secure attachment, which is, you know, it says it on the tin, right? So you've been brought up in a secure, safe environment. Your parents practiced whether they knew it or not. Those four S, as we mentioned, seen, sued, secure, safe. And so you're pretty calm in your body, you're pretty confident in life, genuinely confident. You don't have a lot of drama and relationships. You just show up and you feel pretty free. Then there's the anxious attachment style and that's with a parent that was sort of inconsistent. So some days they were present, some days they were really not checked out and maybe they were anxious or maybe they were depressed or maybe

they were using alcohol and drugs, whatever it is. But the inconsistency created this fear system that says, I don't know who's going to show up today. I don't know what I'm getting. And so that makes you anxiously attached and the anxiously attached person is the one that psycho calls the guy like three weeks into it or the part of the person that like flips out if they're not getting that text message back or just get super attached really fast like zero to 10 walking down the aisle within week one. Right? And can often scare people off in relationships. That's the anxiously attached. And then there's the avoidantly attached, which is the person who grew up with an avoided attachment style of just not feeling seen, not feeling that they had recognition

and acknowledgement. And that parent was probably pretty checked out. And so this person has the core belief system that I have to take care of myself. I have to be independent. I cannot rely on anyone else. And so that's the person that gets like really into it when things are spicy in the beginning and then like a week later is like checked out and like okay moving on and that makes the anxious attachment person freak out quite often that the anxious and the avoidant come together okay and it's and listen like anxious and anxious together could be still difficult but it's easier but avoid it and anxious together just can be like a trigger storm and the avoidant person is the one that's like really prides himself on being really independent and just, you know, is into it in the

beginning and then not into it anymore and just sort of doesn't get into intimate relationships, very hard time being vulnerable, or the anxiously attached is just like, let me tell you all of my feelings and needs and I really want you to just move into my apartment now. So it's rough. And the awareness of our styles, which I'll give you for your show notes, the link, to the attachment quiz. It may be out after you put this out, but we'll get it up in March,

so you'll just have it. And I really want to emphasize the benefit and the value of understanding your attachment style because the more you understand about it, the easier it will be for you to start to undo the patterns. And so in the book and Happy Days,

I break down the attachment styles and then I give you the methods for how to self-soothe so that you can at least begin the journey of witnessing, noticing, noticing you're crazy you know noticing the ways that you act out and really helping yourself become more whole within so that you don't have to rely on others to resolve the wounds from your past and it's self-soothing in general to just be able to read something and be like oh this is

why I'm feeling this way it's not some like insane crazy emotion that I that doesn't have a reason yeah the more we know the better we feel and I love the concept of self parenting because you have so many voices in your head that you're like they're probably true they're probably true but you saying guys you're allowed to shut them up and reparent yourself is so powerful because sometimes you're like but they're more right than me but you're literally saying you don't have to listen to them that's exactly right it it's not that you don't have to listen to them it's that you do listen to them and you become compassionate towards those storylines and you become curious about those storylines and then

you become the safe person that they can go to because you didn't have that safety in your childhood and so you establish that inner dialogue and that inner connection and that inner ability to so those parts of yourself that are just so in need of just being seen and loved Wow. I can't believe that I'm doing Burning in Hell with like in my head, you're like the ultimate like self-care guru of a lot of women and men. But with that is like a lot of responsibility. And I know that you're constantly dealing with your own battles and growth. Do you, does something ever happen to you? And then you're just like, oh, shoot, was I right about that stuff? Or like, do I, is the whole world not what I thought it was? Because you're, you're, you're, you're not. not saying that you're God. You're not saying you know everything. How do you kind of grow yourself while also helping everyone? Well, it starts with me consistently correcting people. I've been doing 85 podcasts for this book. And every time someone's like, oh, you're the spiritual guru. You're the self-help guru. And I'm like, no, no, no. Do not call me your guru. Because if you make me your

idol or you make me your guru if and when I fall apart or something happens to me that I can't recover from or I say something that pisses you off because we don't have the same belief systems then you fall with me and I wrote a book called you are the guru like I don't want and if any self-help person out there tells you that they're a guru run the other way fast yes fast yes because that is some cult stuff it's it's it's also like ego you know the reason that I believe that my books work and people come to show up but to hear me give a talk is because I tell the truth and I'm vulnerable and I'm authentic and I tell you all the ways I fucked up so that I could tell you how to get to the other side of that and it's in my truth that other people can recognize their own and that's why this works there's never been a book that I've written that's more vulnerable and authentic than this one I just go there to the max and I did it because I want my reader to number one know they're not alone and two know that there's a guided path out. I love that so much and I also love that you corrected me because

you know there's so many kind of buzzwords that you can use in the self-help help community and I think a lot of it can be super toxic and then a lot of it can be incredibly helpful and you have to kind of sift. But I want to get to know you a little bit more with our final game, The Seven Deadly Sins. Seven Deadly Sins. Okay. What are you greedy about? Oh, you know, I have this, like, weird greediness about a lot of random little things. It's like this, like, internal hoarder because I think that when I grew up, I grew up,

without my family was like not very financially secure and I lived in like a very wealthy community and so I had a lot of like a lot of feelings of lack and so there was tendencies to like overeat or like eat really fast so that I could just make sure that I was getting enough and so I still noticed that at times like I'll get a nail polish and I'm like I need to get five more because like I think that like it's going to go away you know so I think I'm sort of like unconsciously I don't know if that's greedy is exactly the word but like I'm just constantly like I need more I need more who are you envious of it's going to sound so obnoxious and not obnoxious it's going to sound annoying I'm not really envious of anyone well you've done a lot of work yeah no no I spent many years being envious

of people and wanting what they had and whatnot I am so good in this present moment and I'm so good with me that the things I see in other people that I want I just am like oh yeah you can have like a good friend of mine he's like rocking in his career he's in his personal growth field and has just been like one major thing after the next after the next and it was such a profound moment to witness him and instead be like why don't I have that I was like holy shit he's blowing up I'm so fucking proud of him and to text him and be like I you are my superhero so let me say that again, you know, to text him and be like, you're my superhero. You looked so awesome on Trevor Noah, you know, like just keep kicking ass. Like, I'm so proud of you. And to not in any way

see that as anything other than amazing for him. And also, I've done this new thing where I'm like, that's my friend. Like, I'm so happy that I know them and I'm proud of myself that like that amazing person I get to like pick their brain and like care for them and be there for them. I've, sometimes I will have a storyline of fake envy for a previous me in a previous situation. You know how girls would joke like, oh, I saw a photo of me from 2011 when I thought I was fat and I was so skinny or like when I was, you know, doing well with this friend group or whatever. And then I realize like it's such rose color glasses and like, even though I might be going through a harder time now, I'm like more of a developed person. Definitely. yeah totally yeah and let me just tell you this as your elder the the path that you're on of

this like personal development personal growth really checking up for showing up for yourself living in this creative space you have so much incredible growth ahead of you that you're going to look back when you're my age and be like I'm a fucking rock star you know it's it's not about like how much you've done in the world it becomes about how good you feel and it's such a choice yeah when was the time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Wrath, I don't know. Anger comes up for me when it's very, it's very, like it's like a tinge now where it used to be like a blown out, knives out, you know, go crazy.

But when I'm activated in, so your romantic lovers are always your greatest teachers. And so my husband and I are so profound in that we've done so much work together in this journey of personal growth in therapy and things like that. But it's still the person who can activate you most. And so maybe a, and we're just turning such a beautiful corner now of really undoing those patterns of you trigger me, I trigger you, you trigger me, you, I trigger you. But I think that those really intimate relationships are often the places that can really get you most outraged because they're so close and they're so important. This is a loaded question, but how did you know he was the one you wanted to spend?

your life with? I didn't at first. So we were together for a few years and then we broke up for a year because my attachment wounds and her his attachment styles. He was like going to avoid it and I was anxious and it was a real fucking shit show. So I had to step away and just really totally step away and I broke up with him and I was like, let's be friends. You know, I don't, I don't, I can't do this. My internal system can't handle this anymore. It was so much for my anxious attached style. And so I said like we're done moving on i fully moved on i was dating other people whatever and he didn't and it was so surprising to me because i thought he was so not into me because he was so avoidantly attached and so in that year where we became such good friends and there was no like pretense no

pressure i was like i'm dating this other guy but i'm in love with my ex-boyfriend you know it was so and then we got together a year later and moved in right away and just were just knew this was it because we had to be out of that initial boundary of what it was supposed to look like to be really free in the truth of who we are. It's almost like you let your biggest fear happen, which was losing him and then realize like, oh, I'm going to be okay without him, but I actually choose I want to be with him, which is super beautiful. When was the last time you were a sloth or like a lazy piece of shit? Do you give yourself off days? Like what is a day in the life of Gabby? I would never be referred to as a lazy piece of shit,

and I think probably should exercise more of that in my life. It's hard to be a lazy piece of shit when you have a three-year-old. Yeah, true, true. And a kitten. And a baby girl named Jimmy Blue, my little girl. She's so freaking cute. So I will say that I noticed myself getting a little sick last week when I was getting so revved up with the book lunch and all the podcasts.

And so I got sick and I lost my voice. And so I wasn't a lazy piece of shit. I just said like hands in the air like I'm just out, like out. And so. You win, universe. Exactly. And I just decided my team reschedule everything. And here I am.

And I spent that whole day, that specific day in my sauna on this like PMF mat, like just watching bullshit on YouTube to just reset. And so that was good. I was proud of that. when was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something how's your ego right now my ego is good right now um well when i submitted this book happy days i'm just going to read you we have three more minutes and i know you have therapy i know you have your therapy i'm not going to fuck with that but i want to redo this and i think it's a nice way to kind of bring it all together so

i'll read you three paragraphs hold on and it answers this question Introduction. The Truth about this book. We're anxious for you, Gabby, said my publisher after reading the first pass of the manuscript. It feels too vulnerable, they continued. You're revealing one difficult moment after the next. You're not showing your true strength. My ability to be this vulnerable is my true strength, I responded. The conversation carried on with several moments of tears, explanations, defending the manuscript, mixed with mutual agreement and love. While this was a challenging conversation to have, it was necessary. This book is different from the eight that came before. This book reveals parts of me I'd never known were there until I started this writing process. This book tells the story of how to survive and thrive. This is my story of recovering from trauma.

Now, I wanted to read that because that was the moment when my ego was in the way. they, while they were, while I was right in that my vulnerability is my true strength, they were right too. They were pointing out you need to, you need to show that strength more because it's not coming through. Like they were really putting in front of me that all the fear stories, all the trauma, all the drama was really just wiping out the years of profound. work years of profound moments on stage that were life changing for people eight books that changed people's lives they're like hello there was extreme light and grace even in the midst of all this crisis and so my ego got in the way in that moment because this is a book that I poured

my heart my soul and shame total shame was revealed inside this book and so when they said oh this is too much it activated that shame in me oh yeah They're not judging like a little painting that took you two days. They're judging your entire traumatic, like, life that you poured out as a choice for people. And shame is a wild emotion. There's a whole chapter on shame in this book, and it's delicate. It's delicate. I am so, so excited to read Happy Days.

I feel like we've literally just touched the surface on things, but I like to wrap every episode up with the final question. And for you, you can go take this in a bazillion directions. But in this moment, what advice would you give to the listeners on what to do to cope with their hell when they're in it, when they're in their dark place? I'm giving this advice to the listeners. I'm also giving this advice to my 28, 29, 30-year-old young millennial self. I would say,

make your inner journey your highest priority and everything else is going to work out everything you want is coming to you in ways that you could never possibly imagine so just keep looking in keep turning in keep staying open to creative possibilities for your own inner work whether it be a book whether it be a therapist whether it be a podcast a yoga class whatever it is that's going to weak you open and crack you open. But if that's your focus, my love, everything will be far beyond your wildest dreams. Oh my gosh. I am feeling so many emotions.

I'm pumped up. I could cry. I could laugh. Gabby, where can people follow you? Where can they get the book? Give me all the details that people need to know. At Gabby Bernstein on Instagram. I am at deargabby.com.

And I have a podcast called Dear Gabby where I, Dear Gabby people, like we did here so bravely with you. Love it. The book is called Happy Days, The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace. And I have one more important thing to say. My dream reader for this book is the use of the world, your listeners, you, Hannah. It's the young woman who, I'm going to cry. It's the young woman who knows there's more and doesn't want to feel stuck and doesn't want to feel.

held back and just wants to feel free so that she can really express herself fully and completely. And I just cannot wait for that reader to find this book. From all of us, thank you for your vulnerability and the work that you do. Thank you. Oh my gosh. I feel like the little devils are going to be obsessed with this episode. Follow her, listen to her, read her, consume everything she puts out. And thank you for coming to hell today, guys. We love you. Bye. I love you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. M. Thank you.