Berner Phone - Ghost Stories

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

This week, Des the non-believer reacts to your ghost stories. Give us some prompt suggestions in the comments!   Call [phone] to leave us a voicemail! International Dialers can leave us a voice memo on WhatsApp: [phone]   FOLLOW DES: Tickets: https://punchup.live/desbishop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desbishop Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/desbishop X: https://x.com/desbishop YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desbishopcomedy TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desbishop5   FOLLOW NICOLE: https://www.instagram.com/nicoleclyons/   Produced by Nicole Lyons Productions Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nicolelyonsproductions/ Website: www.nicolelyonsproductions.com

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, our little dialers, and welcome to the latest episode of Burner Phone. We have Nicole, aka Caroline, on the ones and twos. it's an exciting episode. We don't put up the video here, guys, but if we did, you would see that I am in not my normal position.

I'm on the couch in the sunroom. But the reason is because there was a tornado in northwestern Indiana, which some people may or may not know about, the suburbs of Chicago. And after having my in-laws here, My brother-in-law, his two children, his wife, after having them here for basically two weeks, on and off between here and Hannah's parents' house,

which was great, and none of this is a complaint. They went back, they flew back to Indiana, and within three days, their house was severely damaged by a tornado, and they had no electricity and still don't have electricity. So they high-tailed it back here. So my house is full of another family, including my brother-in-law who works has a real job and he is running his office

in the room that I normally do the podcast in there are children running around outside this door and I guess this is a dry run if Hannah and I ever have kids this is the way it will be but needless to say poor Nicole has been forced to sit watching me in a sort of slightly awkward

position. But at least it's quiet. And that's what that's what I've been dealing with here. So I'm sorry to everybody in the Indiana, Chicago area for between the tornadoes and the floods. I know you're dealing with a lot. And I'm doing my small bit housing one family from northwestern Indiana. And so as a result, I'm not in my normal position. How are you, Nicole?

I'm good. I mean, for context, Des is sort of almost crisscross applesauce on a couch. I want to point out, I am not, I'm not crisscross apples sauce because I am not actually able to crisscross apple sauce. I wish I could criss cross applesau. I would say I'm like legs together, both going one direction. but my legs are like in front of it's just the way it's just the way it has to be in terms of he's all folded up but i'm at an angle which when i joined this recording it felt like i was interrupting something like he he seemed like very comfortable and not ready for this like a jeffrey tube and zoom call situation

precisely how many dialers know who jubes Jeffrey Toobin is. I mean, talking about top five mistakes by people on CNN, that's got to be, that's got to be, like, for those that don't know, you can Google that, Jeffrey Toobin decided to choke one out in the middle of a Zoom call thinking he was like, I guess, muted. I don't know. Anyway, welcome to Brennan. This episode, a lot of people message you in. It's only Tuesday. It's all the, the last episode has only been out by one day, and we were inundated with ghost stories. Absolutely inundated. A lot of people messaging it about gentle parenting, too, but I'm going to save that for another time. Didn't realize that was a controversial one. I feel weird. I did five days of Clarisi. I don't know if you can, or Claceri, I should say. Clarisi sounds like something from Game of Thrones,

Claceri, this medication for my face, from my keratosis. And so my face is very red. Can you see that, by the way, Nicole? Yes, but you're too far away. I can see you when you're up close, but I'm mostly looking at your knees in this angle. Yeah, yeah, which is also another disaster. So anyway, I don't feel myself, I have to tell you.

I think you can hear it. I think I'm having severe allergic reaction. I think it's hay fever season, to be honest. Because I'm blocked up. You know, I got a tornado refugees in my house. I got a lot going on here. I'm not myself. I'm not myself at all.

But thank God we've got, thank God we've got ghost stories to put us in a good mood. But before we do that, we have a Caroline apology in the list. Have you seen it? I see it. Okay. Play it. Play it.

Hi, this is for Nicole. I'm the double Carolyn offender from episode before last. Definitely don't air my name, but my name is so not very common, very hard to pronounce names. So I'm always priding myself on remembering people's names and pronouncing them correctly. So, yeah, that was a fun one. Just wanted to say I'm so, so sorry about that. Nicole, you've been amazing on every episode. Des, you need to put Nicole's name on everything.

I think the pod still says Hannah, Hannah and Des. I know it says produced by Nicole, but come on. Can't pin that one on me completely. Yeah, you're amazing. Just wanted to say that and that I'm so, so sorry for messing up your name, not once, but twice. Throw them under the bus there. Not really, but yeah, you guys are amazing.

things for the podcast look forward to it every week and yeah keep it up and so sorry again I really didn't need to butcher name I told myself I was like

non-issue fine they'll make fun of it once no way this comes up again and then does start the podcast with Caroline twice and I was like oh my God I have to call down because I'm so sorry

anyway yeah keep it up Have a good week. Bye. Well, the good news is we got so much joy out of it. And other people messaged in, too, Leslie. I mean, you know, that's going to go in as a top 10 burnophone moments, Caroline. Truly.

And it is also my worst nightmare to, like, flub a word. And then all your friends keep bringing it up forever or like a typo and a text. So I totally feel your pain of being like, they'll never bring it up again. And then the past two weeks, that's how you've introduced me. Yes. Um, but you literally no need to apologize. I think that is hilarious. And also for me, I get more pissed when someone writes my name as Nicholl, Nicole with

Nichol. You know, Nicole with an H is like a variant of Nicole. There could be Nicole with no H and Nicole with an H. And yeah, some people default assume there's an H. That bothers me more. I like Caroline. If I could change it to Caroline, I would. but Nicholl, but like if I get a coffee and it's like, name, Nicole, and then I see the little

sticky label and it's Nichol. I'm like, what would you assume? Is the H like the default? I don't think so. I've never seen the H. I've never seen the H in my life. Ever? What?

N-Chol? I think it's, I don't know if it says, yeah, it's N-C-H-O-L-E, Nick Hole, which that's not how I spell my name. it's NICOL. Okay. There's quite a few of them. Nicole Sakura, American actress. Nicole Gustaferson, hair and makeup artist. There is a Nicole Lyons who is like a race car driver, which is pretty epic. Nicole Hiltz, American former actress. Nicole Galicia, Panamanian actress and model. These are all Nichols. Well, these are all in the trolls, yeah. So things you learn every day. I had no idea there was so many Nichols out there.

What would your version of that be? Like, would people spell your name with a Z or not even? All the time. 80% of the time, if I order a coffee and I say DES, they say, they spell it with a Z. A lot of times they don't even understand what I'm saying. So I've started to say Desmond a lot of the time because in America, Des seems to be a thing. In Ireland, 100% of the time, it's DES. but here I got a lot of DEZs if they even hear me correctly. So it's just easier to say Desmond here in America. So anyway, there was one other thing related to last week, and I can't actually remember what it was.

Chihuahua defense. Please play that, Nicholl. Hey, Des. I am calling because you played my message last week. about the cat hanging on the couch. And then you talked about that I have a chihuahua and how they're the most hated dogs. And I'm here to defend my chihuahua. My fiance loves my chihuahua.

He's obsessed with him. His name is Tito. He's adorable. He's the cutest thing ever. He's quiet. He defies the chihuahua stereotype. So I really wanted to defend that piece of it. I know that tuolhas can be obnoxious, but he's not like a normal towala.

He's like the cutest fuzziest thing ever. Actually, you met him on when you did the like video trial of burner phone. I was the one that had a little fluffy chihuahua with my fiance. Yeah, that was Tito. He's the cutest thing ever. And I think that that's irrelevant in my scenario with the cat. Like the cats are at a problem. But I respect cat lovers.

Do your thing as long as they don't pee on the couch. But yeah, I'm defending matchewala. Tito is the cheapest thing ever. He's so sweet. He's not barky. He is pretty much a living, stuff, animal. And a little companion. So, yeah, just either to come on and give that little piece of information.

But love the pod. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm sorry I don't know the ghost story but yeah you need to be the dog mom and defend my little boy thanks listen first of all Tito great name for a Chihuahua Tito Santana who was once the intercontinental champion

of the WWF in my childhood also I have to tell you that I'm I don't mind Chihuahua is that much. Hannah, by the way, is absolutely her favorite dog. Hannah, if she had her way, we would have a hairy chihuahua right now. Hannah loves hairy chihuahuas. But, you know, they do have a reputation, which I think is earned of being a bit yappy. And, you know, they got like small dog syndrome. They kind of nip at the heels. For the record, Hannah and I

were involved in one day a plane load of chihuahuas came from somewhere and we helped like, you know, bring these chihuahuas into the shelter. But I'm glad that you stuck up for chihuahuas. You know, I think Paris Hilton, you know, she has the chihuahua and a lot of people feel that she falsely advertised, like, how easy it is to just carry them around. And, you know, they are one of the, they're like a very high return rate to shelters, Chihuahuas, unfortunately. So shout out to Tito, representing wealth of the breed.

We love chihuahuas. We like you sticking up for them. And maybe one day I'll even have a chihuahua. I, you know, honestly, we travel too much to have a dog. Hannah keeps trying to say we should get a dog, but there's just not a chance. And butter, obviously not a fan of living with other animals. So it'll be a while. But anyway, we're pro-chihuahua here.

I apologize for saying anything negative. What's your opinion on chihuahuas, Nicole? I really love most dogs, but I always have had big dogs in my life. But I do think that they're cute. I have like some resentment in my heart for dogs. dogs like that, though, being a pit bull owner and everybody gives pit bulls so much shit. And I'm like, I'm actively trying so hard to train my dog. And look, I'm sure Tito is lovely.

I'd love for you to send a picture of Tito to the phone number. I want to see him. But, yeah, especially we're moving right now. And there's so many places that restrict pit bulls when you move into these apartments. And it's like, but you can have a 10-pound dog that maybe is biting people much more than my dog is. So I have like a little bit of resentment in my heart towards little dogs like that right now, but it's not fair. It's not their fault. But in fairness, chihuahuas don't deserve the resentment because they actually get quite a lot of hate.

They like they really get a lot of hate. They get hate already. Yeah. Like honestly, like I feel like, uh, chihuahuas are like in the top three sort of like people talking shit breeds. What else do you think like a shih Tzu, a white or like little white crusty dog? No, like a pit bull. You think pit bulls in time? Yeah, for sure.

And then, yeah, I think like a yappy little terrier. Mm-hmm. You know, but I think Jack Russell's really are. Jack Russells are also kind of like a slightly annoying. But I don't want to, you know, now I'm going to offend a whole other, like, load of dog people. So anyway, thanks to everybody. We love the feedback from the episode.

Don't forget to call that. I'm too far from my computer to read out that. Let me see if I can remember it, 9-17. 512-17-58. Am I right? 9-17-5-1-2-17-58 and whatever the WhatsApp number is. So let's do some ghost stories, everybody. I won't start with mine.

I have a creepy story. I won't start with mine. Why not? Well, because I've been talking so much. I want to bring the dialers into it, you know? my stuffed up nose voice. So I didn't even do a good job of, of like labeling them because,

you know, so take your pick. The labels aren't going to really entice you that much. Okay. Well, I do want to reiterate that Des is a non-believer before we start. Whoa. Despite having,

it's what you said back. Now I'm a non-believer. I am a non-believer, mate. I really am, honestly. Why are you mating today? You've said mate so much. Have I? You know, who said you off on mate?

Okay, this is so stupid. This is like, this is going to show how fucking stupid I am. All right. Say? Um, I would take Clisserie on my face, right? And it makes, you can't get sun, right? So I bought one of those Australian sun hats, a tight list. I think they, on Amazon, they call it.

Australia Sun Hat. So when I showed up to play golf, I played golf this morning. But the guy who ended up being on my team, he also had one. So the two of us had Australian sunhats. So I was like, all right,

guys, we're taking you on. Right? And I literally played the whole round, like in an Australian action. So I think I still got mate, like in my mind. You know,

so I was playing with a fucking, I could play with a wide-rimmed hat today. So anyway, that's why I got, oh, mate, mate my fucking mind, mate. Anyway,

We're going to crack go in a gay story. So anyway, that's where the mate came from. I guess it stuck. Even though the last mate that I gave was from the monkeys, even though only one of them had an English accent. So anyway, Mike, fucking crack on. Hi, so love the pod. Hi, does.

I was going to respond to the prompts about, you know, ghost stories and supernatural. And it kind of tied in perfectly to the end of the episode, last week's episode, because you guys were talking about religion. So I'm not religious, but I did grow up Catholic. And so one time I went to, like, confessionals with my mom, my God, and my brother. And I swear that we, like, heard an exorcism happening.

I was very young. I was probably, like, six, seven. And I just remember it because my brother was there, and it was always me and my mom. But this, for some reason, my dad and I, my dad and my brother decided to come. And it sounded like she was throwing up. Like, it was, like, the movies, and I don't know if it was, like, fully heightened because I was young and I was just, like, had this, like, image of what religion was because, like, it's pretty much based in fear from what, like, my mom told me and everything. So, whatever, it just sounded like this really deep, deep voice kind of just saying, like, no, no, over and over again. And when the girl came out, I didn't even know it was a girl in there, she was so petite and small.

And it just, there was no way that this voice was coming from her. Like, it sounded like she was throwing up this, like, I don't know, devil or whatever. Like, I swear it was, like, almost like movies where it was, like, this deep demonic voice. And I was freaking terrified. And I don't know if it was an exorcism. I don't know. I don't believe in, I don't know. I don't know what I believe.

But it was terrifying. And to this day, I always tell that story. because it was freaky. Oh, yeah. Thanks. I mean, that would be super freaky. Obviously, my mind went somewhere else, but I'm not going to say anything. But that is freaky, you know, in fairness.

And I actually don't believe in ghosts, but I love an exorcism. But, you know, but I also feel, honestly, I have been in some, like, therapy sessions where I can imagine if you're in a confessional, right and you have like a good relationship with the priest so you deeply believe and you're you're trying to unload some stuff while you're in the confessional you might end up like having like some deep emotional responses you know like I've definitely sound I've I've sounded like I'm puking or I'm sort of getting getting rid of demons at some of my deeper like emotional therapy sessions um but you know, I don't know what to say other than maybe you did.

The only thing I'll say about that, though, is like, I feel like the ghosts, because the exorcism was like you're trying to exercise the ghost, right? I feel like the ghost wouldn't be like, hey, let's go, let's go get exercised. They'd avoid, they would avoid the confessional. You know what I mean? In what way? Like, they would leave your body briefly and come. come back.

No, I feel like they wouldn't let you go. Like, I feel like the exorcism, you have to like, the exorcist has to go to the, I haven't heard too many ghosts sort of like showing up for the exorcism. Be like, hey, we're going to be late. Well, I guess that's why they're always kind of like dragging them. Yeah. Like the power of Christ complausia. Yeah, I used to really get into the exorcism YouTube video rabbit hole in my youth.

Does that exist? Yeah, I feel like there was like a ton of videos like that. I was like, whoa, is this real? And it's just completely not, but. Oh, man, I got to get into it. Because I, I enjoy, I enjoy the concept. I, like, I even, I, I, I, I enjoy, like, people thinking they're speaking in tongues and shit, you know? I love getting, like, yeah, I love watching stuff like that.

I was just talking about this, how it's kind of ruined, like, watching any videos like that when we used to watch them. There was, like, a chance it could be real versus now everything. You're like, this is completely not real. and sidebar, but they're doing a reboot of the Blair Witch Project. So funny, I was just about to bring that up. Which I think is like, how are they even going to do that? Because part of the lore when that came out was like, is this real? Like they did that whole website and like, you know, there's a part of you that's like,

oh my God, this could be real. I feel like that's so fun. And now it's like, how are you going to do that? I can't believe you brought that up because I was literally about to say. So whatever year that was, I flew back from Ireland and it had to be, it was definitely like, it had to be, what is it early 2000, even late 90s, I think? Yeah, I think it was 90s. I flew back from Ireland and I had like a, not even like a long distance relationship, but like I used to hang out with this, you know, girl and when I would come back to New York. So I land, I call her.

She's like, I like just landed. she's like, I want to go see this movie. Like they found this footage. And like all I know is it's like pretty freaky. So we go to the Angelica Film Center. So it's not even on broad release yet. It's like it's still like underground. Angelica Film Center.

I know nothing. I see the sign. I watch this movie. Movie theater is packed. And I watch it. And I'm like transfixed. And at the end, not one person got up. every single one of us waited for the entire credits to like see could we get any information

on this shit like it was amazing my Blair witch experience was so intense and i remember we went to there's a Thai restaurant across the street i can't remember what the name of that Thai restaurant is it's a Thai restaurant on the soho side across the house and street and i just remember being in there being like wow this is fucking crazy and it was amazing and i later on i was very quickly came out, you know, it's like bullshit. But like, I always felt like, I don't even care if people think I'm gullible because it was such an amazing experience. Because I love a good fright, you know? Like at the end when she's like, a flashlight in the face, I was like, fuck me, this is crazy. It was amazing. Yeah, we just don't

get anything like that. Like, there's no chance of it even falling for something like that anymore. And not even falling in, I don't mean that in like a negative way. Like, that's so fun to buy into that and be a part of that. Because that was so intentional in how they did that with their marketing and stuff. And I'm like, even if you recreate it, you're never going to be able to make it like that. The cameras are too nice. It's all digital. Like you're not going to make it feel like how that felt.

That was so fun. So anyway, I'll tell my story now. So as you know, I don't believe in ghosts. All right. But. And as you guys know, my parents are dead. And so anyway, my dad died in 2011. And I was in the middle of doing a show about my dad called My Dad Was Neely James Bond.

And I may have told this story before. But anyway, my father had very specific instructions about spreading his ashes. He wanted his ashes spread in Bali, Cotton and Ireland. And he wanted to. wanted us to sing the old house by John McCormick, which it was an old Irish tenor from like, you know, and that would have been, I guess, something his mother would play or something. Anyway, the old house, it had like, it's about an emigrant coming back to Ireland and finding like where he's from, but it's all dilapidated. And I think the final lines are something like, I can't even remember, but the last line was, it's time that I leave here, it's time I pass on. A very good song to sing at the end of your life,

like letting it all go. And that was a huge part of my father's identity, just his, like Ireland being at the core of his existence, but actually him not really being there that much. And so, fun fact, we didn't actually sing that when we spread his ashes and belly cotton, but I did play it on my phone as we spread them. And it was quite meaningful. However, that happened like a year after he died.

We didn't actually get a chance to honor his wishes till later on. So anyway, very soon after my father died, I was back on tour, literally doing a show about my father. And I had a show in Limerick. so because I was in limerick I decided to splash out and treat myself to staying at a dare manor now has become really really fancy it was always quite fancy it was always a five-star hotel but back then it wasn't as fancy as it is now so I don't want people thinking like I'm mr. money bags but anyway a lot of my friends because my dad had died and you know like sometimes my friends were like coming with me so anyway my two friends Bob and Carl decided to come with me

tour we were going to stay in a dare manner and uh i did the show that night and when we got back i so there's a there's a bar in a dare manner that's called the tack room which was like the the residence bar you go downstairs and old school very rustic but the two lads drink i don't drink i said lads you go down i want to i had to make a couple phone calls and uh i said i'll come down and join you. It's pretty late though, you know. So anyway, I go upstairs. I made a call and then I actually like fell asleep for five minutes. Long story short, I went back down about 45 minutes later. And there's a piano player in the bar that had been playing already. And as I walk in, he's playing the old house by John McCormick. He's playing it on his fucking piano.

all right uh so i sit down with the lads and i can't remember if i said it to them or not i probably did i was like that's wild i was like you know this is the song that my dad said to play at at when he were spreading his ashes so when we finish when he finishes playing the piano player turns to me and says that's for your father i'm i know that people think think I'm making this up, but the piano player turned to me and said, that's for your father. Now, let me give you a little bit of context on why it's not as freaky as it seems. We made a documentary about my dad called My Dad Was The The James Bond, which was connected to the show, connected to the things I was just talking about. And it actually aired on Irish TV the Thursday before he died.

He died on the Tuesday. So Thursday, it went out. My dad died that many days later. And it was quite successful, quite moving. It was really Pat Comer directed it. It really did a wonderful job. And this was quite soon after that, like a week or two. And he had seen me walk in.

And that's why he said, that's for your father. Okay. But still, pretty freaky. You know, he wasn't even cold in the ground. And this guy was like, that's for your father. That was the most freaky experience of my life in terms of that type of supernatural stuff. So that's my one. That's a good one, though.

It is a good one. And even if you're like, well, here's this context. Like, I think that those moments are still so powerful because it makes you feel connected to someone who's moved on. By the way, I also want to point out that my dad talked to. about where he wanted his ashes spread in the documentary, but he did not, the old house thing, that, that, that's not on the documentary. Oh, so.

Yeah. So the, the, the old house part is, that's, that's the large, massive coincidence. How common of a song is that? Not that common. And by the way, I also want to point out that it was playing as I walked in. Right. You know what I'm saying? And my friends had gone in.

Had I gone in with them, who knows, the guy might have brought it up earlier. You know what I mean? That's crazy. That's for your father? That was fucking, that was... Did you talk to that guy after or no? I did. I told him, I said, man, I said, you're, you know, I told him.

I told him how crazy that was. Mm-hmm. You know, and then he turned to me and he said, that's because I'm the devoff. That's because. Because my fingers are the devil's blanket. Your mother sucks cocks in hell. He throws up on the piano.

No, honestly, he was a lovely man. He was a great singer. It was a wonderful. It was actually a great night in general. And by the way, if you saw the place that I'm, I highly recommend everybody Google Adair Manor, particularly like Adair Manor before John McManus bought it. And you'll just see that it's a pretty like,

fascinating, like old school, like haunted looking joint, you know? So the whole scenario was amazing. So anyway, that's my story, guys, which I'm sure I've told before, but I almost got choked up, actually, right there at the end saying it, that's for your father. Because it was quite moving. So anyway, that's my one. Let's take another one.

And that was a week later? It would only have been a week? No, no, no, it was a few weeks. It was a few weeks because... Yeah, but still. That's like so fresh. Yeah, my first shows, my first show was in Galway. I'll never figure of that night.

Good Lord. Because everyone, oh, God, I can hardly tell this story. Because the documentary was actually quite successful. And I had to cancel some shows. You know, I had to actually cancel some gigs because I had to go back and bury my father. So, but the first show back after all that was Galway, the town hall theater. and when I walked out on stage oh god the place was like going crazy and I actually found it hard to start the show that was like that was a toughie but it was a great show but it was I was choked up at the beginning

I have to say I mean I'm literally choked up now trying to tell the story but that that was a toughie that one but we got through it and it was it was a powerful show you know but anyway that's the story about my dead father he's He's looking down at you now. So let's crack on another one, mate. Hey, Desmond, Nicole. This is Nicole calling from my classroom. And a ghost story I have is so the first time I went home for the weekend with my college best friend.

We'll call her Michelle. It was a small town where they make a beer, where they make Shiner beer. And she had told me before that her house was haunted. and I was like, okay, whatever. But we go and we have to share this tiny twin bed and she has these sliding glass doors with a mirror on them for her closet. I kid you not, that night, I wake up.

It is 3 a.m. And it looks like the girl from the ring with her hair, the white dress and her black hair over her eyes. And I try to wake, we'll call her Michelle up. and she did not wake up and I freaked out. So the next night, I drink all the homemade wine I could and I had a nice drunk passout. But she goes, yeah, that girl followed us home from this exercise place my mom and I cleaned. So that's not the first ghost I've seen.

Unfortunately, they like to follow me and my family. But yeah, thank you for all that you do. You make my drive to teaching really fun. And I love you, Hannah. I'm a giggler and a little dialer. Love y'all. Okay. Well, what can I say?

I mean, she's being followed by the girl from the ring. I mean, I'm kind of like, don't invite me to your house if you're going to be like, yeah. Of course that girl's there. Like, she followed us home from the exorc. place. Like, don't act like that's normal and invite me to your house where I have to witness that and you won't wake up and defend me. So, sorry, I got confused that. They, they were in it like the exorcism place. Is that like, hmm. You know what? You might be right. I thought she said the exercise place. And I was like, okay, Soul Cycle demon. Yeah. Like, come on, everybody. Give me five more.

No, but no, but I'm not sure now. Should I run it back? No, but didn't it sound like she had sleep paralysis, though? Yeah, a little bit. But she said she tried to wake her friend up. But that's what I mean. Like, when you have sleep paralysis, you're like, you're stuck. I know, but I think she thought she was trying to wake her friend, you know.

But hey, listen, you're always going to get the skepticism from me, you know? All the believers are going to be going crazy right now. They're going to be like, Des, your dad literally spoke through some fucking piano player. And now you're trying to say, you know, but anyway, I don't know. I mean, it's a good one, though. Yeah, I mean, that's, even if my very best friend was like, yeah, totally, like, that's the girl that followed us home. No worries. I'd be like, dude, get me out of your house.

Like, you should have told me this before I came in your house. Yeah. So you're just cool with her standing there every night. Yeah. So, like, but, like, what do you do then? Like, what do you? Like, this is my whole thing. thing with ghosts is like, like all these ghosts, like all these,

gazillions of people have died. Like, what's with the, just a couple of ghosts that all tend to look like horror movie ghosts? A little Victorian girl. Yeah. They have, like, very specific looks to them. Yeah, you ever notice? Like, nobody's like, yeah, this is just fucking super hot chick was just like hanging out. Yeah, because they want to keep them around.

Or, like, there's a guy in, like, Jenko's or something. thing like they're always in medieval garb or Victorian garb. But anyway, I believe that you believe. That's one thing for sure. I'm not going to try to dismiss anybody's stuff here today. This is a very safe, this is a very safe space. You know what I mean?

Like, because you guys have been so, by the way, I have to tell you that people flooded in. Like, this episode wasn't up two hours and they were, I had to stop the episode and sit, you know, so, let's keep going. Hi, I'm calling about next week's prompt for ghost stories. Des, I know you said you're not a believer, but this story stuck with me my whole life. I was in about sixth grade, we went on a field trip to Gettysburg, and we did a tour of this old house that's now like a haunted motel, and we're in the basement. They were telling us the history of the building and

everything and how they would store the wounded soldiers in there, and it was cold. It was like, February. And so I had a blanket wrapped around me, and someone kept tugging on my blanket. And I thought it was the kid sitting behind me, and he was sitting with a teacher. I turned around and yelled at him, and the teacher said, like, no, he hasn't touched you. And then the tour guy came up to me and said, oh, yeah, blonde hair and brown eyes. So there's a little kid that haunts this place, and he loves to play with girls with blonde hair and brown eyes. so she thought he was tugging on my blanket.

It's pretty, pretty freaky, but yeah, probably not real. Just something freaky that happened to me. All right, thanks. Bye. That's a good one. But the question is, was it a Confederate or a Union soldier? I want to know what side they're on. Again, I'm kind of like, why is a grown adult?

Okay, she's in sixth grade, she said, so you're like 10. Why is it telling a 10-year-old, oh, yeah, it's exactly because the way you look. There's a ghost following you now. So this is definitely going to affect your mental health for most of your life. A ghost that has a thing for blonde children. It's creepy. Fire that man. Oh, yeah.

It's a good one, though. That's a good one. It is a good one. You know? So let's keep it lit, man. This is fun. Hi, Dad. Hi, Ghost of Hannah. I'm just saying that to be on theme.

My ghost story is when I was little, I want to say probably between the ages of like three, not three. Oh my God, that's way too young. Maybe between the ages of like five and eight. I was spending the night at my grandmother's house because my parents were out and she was babysitting us. I mean, my brother spent the night there. And she had her bedroom. My grandpa, I had his own bedroom and then there was an empty room that had cutoutine beds that we would sleep in. And we as in me and my brother. And I had a nightmare that night that my dad and my brother were throwing mashed potatoes at me. I remember it very vividly because it woke me up.

And then I saw like this girl that was like half of a girl pointing out into the hallway. I could see her with my eyes. but then when I tried moving my body to get up, it felt like someone was pushing me down and I couldn't get up. And it went on. It felt like forever. When I was finally like able to move and get up, I went to my grandma and I was crying and I told her I had a nightmare and I saw something.

And then for the rest of the night, like every, I think it was every half hour or every hour, her stove alarm kept going off and she couldn't figure out why. and it was so creepy and I just remember the whole night so visibly I can remember what the girl was like I can remember the dream I can remember feeling paralyzed

and I remember the alarms going off yeah so that's my one real experience I just wanted to share love you guys I really needed the grandmother to be like oh yeah the girl was cut in half here

oh that girl Oh, that one. Oh, yeah. She got cut in half years ago. In an oven-related accident. Yeah, she was only halfway in and they closed the oven. Sorry, we're not, we're just, because it's a comedy podcast, we're just going for a couple of chuckles. But that was definitely a sleep paralysis incident, for sure.

Yeah. I mean, also, I think that, like, all right, top five scariest places to sleep, grandma's house is in there for sure. It's got to be in there. Also, anytime a little kid tells you I saw something, so scary. I, like, fully believe the child always. Oh, I'm playing with my friend so-and-so, and you find out it's like someone who died in the house. Like, it's a classic, you know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about?

It's like such a classic movie thing. Yes. It's like, honey, who are you talking to? And they come in the room and they're like, oh, it's just my friend so-and-so. And you're like, so-and-so's not real. And then you find out someone died in the house. Yes. That's a good one.

I've actually thought of another weird one of mine. You have another story? Well, in 1994, my uncle Kevin was dying of cancer, lung cancer. And I had seen him, which would end up being the last time at the Easter vacation of 1994. before, but I was back in Ireland and boarding school doing the leaving certificate, which is a very important exam. And anyway, in the middle of the night, I, I, I, I, I dreamt that my uncle came to see me, you know, like, I can't remember exactly what happened, but I know for a fact that my uncle

came to see me in the dream. And when I woke up in the morning, somebody came up to my room and they were like, oh, your mom is on the phone. And so it's like 8 o'clock in Ireland. So it's like 3 o'clock in New York. So I'm like, oh, shit, something's up. And my mother was like, oh, you know, your uncle Kevin died. And I, because I remember I said, I said, wow, I said, I saw him in a dream last night.

So anyway, that was my other, that was my other one. But I didn't go back for that funeral because I, like the exam was so important, which I'm always sad about because he was in. New York City Fireman, and they gave him a full, they gave him a full active duty funeral because he died of lung cancer, probably from all the shit that he was breathing in. And he had like a full parade up Northern Boulevard and Flushing Queens. But anyway, I mean, maybe I'm psychic. I don't know.

Anyway, let's go on to it. You guys have to remember how Des is sitting when he says that. I don't know, maybe I'm psychic, fully manspreading, laying horizontal on a couch. Fully doesn't believe in any of this. Maybe I'm psychic. So, anyway, let's take another ghost story here, please. Hey, Death, and Nicole, a few things here. Nicole, I have no idea what you look like, but you were definitely giving off tall energy, and I feel like you're a brunette.

If you're a blonde, you're going to really, really make me lose my mind. Also, my paranormal activity situation that happened after my dad passed, away. The four of us children were up, you know, talking at the funeral. And when it was my turn, the lights like went off and turned back on. And I don't really know if you call this like a ghost encounter, but it definitely had me fucked up for a while. And I now just tell all my siblings that I was his favorite child because he only turned up a light for me. So that really, you know, keeps me going. And really is something I'm throwing my sibling's face whenever I want.

Third thing, I'm just hitting all the hot topics right now that we've been talking about, Des, did you know that Paige is reading yesterday years? So if you do the episode, I feel like we definitely need to phone a friend and phone her in because that would be a great collab, especially because I feel like you probably have two polar opposite opinions on the look. All right. I will call in again soon. Have a great day. Yeah, numerous people have messaged in about page reading yesterday year. And, you know, I'm very, very respective of the Giggly Squad space. But I don't know, guys. I think you might be disappointed with Pages' reading of yesterday. I think we might be waiting a long time to get

pages in place. But that's all I'm going to say about that. But we might be a long time waiting for the ghost of Page's reading comprehension on yesteryear. Actually, I feel bad. I feel like we should have already done the yesteryear. I kind of forgot about it this week. It's just like the never, the never ending. I'm sorry, I know I'm really manspending that.

The never-ending yesteryear saga. Like we didn't actually do that episode, which is so silly, because I definitely have enough now. But anyway, you know, I just feel like if ghosts were going to leave, like, why are ghosts leaving, like, oh, they flicker the lights or, you know, like, why does it always have to be that? As opposed to what? I feel like it's like an energy thing. Yeah. Like, why does it have to be, like, Ouija board? Like, oh, okay, now we have to know how to spell as well.

Like, what if you have a dyslexic, what if you have a dyslexic ghost, you know? and they're like, what? All those Victorian children can't spell. Like, there's no way. They can't, they can't be operating the Ouija board. Yeah, what, yeah, what, what happened to the illiterate, the illiterate ghosts? It's like, Santa? Oh, no, no, it was Samantha, actually.

Santa. The ghost of Santa? Did I tell you my video that I never did about Santa? I don't know. Taking Ozempic. Did I ever tell you about that? I don't think so. I'm not good enough at like making videos,

but last year I was thinking it would be a funny video to be like, like Santa being like fat and then like Mrs. Claus being like just not, you know, like just like leave me alone. Like Santa and Mrs. Claus like in the bedroom. and Santa being like, oh, you know, and like Santa like, look at himself in the mirror and being like, oh, I've gotten a bit fat. And then, like, cut to like Santa being skinny and like fitting down the chimney. And then like the final shot is like Santa and Mrs. Claus like walking together arm and arm, like in love.

And then it was going to go, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Zampic. Have I tell you about that? No, but that's a really fabulous ending. I know. Does he, like, lose his appetite and he can't eat any of the cookies? Yeah, he can't eat the cookies. He's like one bite and it's like, whoa, I'm so full. You know, but then he's getting judged by the Alps being like, you didn't really do that yourself.

You cheated. You cheated. You cheated, bro. Santa. I can't respect you anymore. Fucking Rudolph is like, you fucking cheated, bro. Amazing. Yeah.

Even though Rudolph's on peptides. So, anyway. Blitzin's on HGH.G.H. While you're cranking out, fucking reindeer names. I actually don't. Can you crank them out right now? I don't think so. Dancer.

Is there a dancer and prancer? Wait, how many are there? Nine? Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen, Rudolph. We're missing some, I think. Yes. I know there's a song. There's definitely a song

And I Fun fact, man Oh, Cupid Oh, Nice. Dancer and Prancer and Comet and Cupid. Wow.

I can't believe I've forgotten the, I can't believe I've forgotten all the reindeer names. Blitzen I think is my favorite. That's like a savage name for a reindeer. Yeah, where does fucking Blitzin come from? Like, what is that even?

What in the World War II? Fucking, we survived the Blitzen. Anyway, Let's, you know what? Just to represent for the WhatsApp, let's take the WhatsApp. What's up in from Belgium, everybody. Hello, international dialer here, originally from Slovakia.

But I live in Belgium and Brussels. Sometimes it cracks me up when you compare Americans and Europeans and like just how we do life. Because what the hell that you can make eggs in a microwave? I have never heard of that. I never even taught of that. That's absolutely crazy. Yeah, I remember once I saw someone in the U.S. putting a tea bag in a cup with water and putting in a microwave, which I thought was diabolical. But I think this is kind of the same.

Anyway, just on a pan, it takes like three minutes and has so much more flavor. So why wouldn't you do it that way? But okay, no shade or maybe just a little bit. But back to the topic. So unfortunately, my uncle passed away when I was a child. He was my dad's brother. It was a sudden death due to cancer. It went very fast.

And I think maybe a week in or something like that, my dad had his big picture of my uncle's, it was like a headshot of my uncle in this frame. and he put it with like this black ribbon and he put it in his office in our house to like remember him and as a family we were in the living room I think watching TV or something and suddenly we hear this loud noise and we didn't know what it was I mean everyone that was in the house was in the living room watching TV and it came from the office so we went to the office to have a look what happened and the frame with the picture it was quite big and quite heavy was on like a shelf above his office desk but in front of the picture there was a big candle that was also quite

heavy made from glass and what fell was the picture with the frame the frame picture of my uncle on the desk but the candle has not moved. So the candle was on the same place whilst the picture fell. But nothing happened to the picture. It didn't crack or anything. It just fell. And even now recording the message, I have goosebumps because it's literally impossible that the picture could fall like that without the candle moving.

And also the picture not breaking. like just, you know, very weird. And we all just looked at each other. And we were like, wow. Okay. So we kind of thought maybe this was him just saying goodbye to us or something like this. Yeah, it was quite crazy. Bye.

Wow. So, well, first of all, I think it's cool when people think like it's him saying goodbye. Because, like, why not think that, you know? Why not have that moment? I really enjoyed the European judgment of American ways also at the beginning of the message. Plus, you know, it's very impressive to be able to crank out confident message in your second language. So thank you for messaging and thank you for reping for Europe. Although, I have to say, I have made tea in a microwave like that.

I have. so no judgment on the simple cup of tea you know fun fact about america americans don't have electric kettles in their house like as the norm some irish people that listen might not know that uh and one of the reasons is because american electricity is 110 you know it's a different wattage or whatever and uh so it doesn't really it doesn't boil faster than like putting it on the range. So it's sometimes it's just if you're just doing one cup of tea, it's just quick to just put it in the microwave. So fun fact about America that maybe some people don't know, a little European difference. 220 versus 110. All right,

let's let's take one or two more before we wrap it up here. Hi, Des and Nicole. I'm actually calling back for a second time to re-record the problem. because I think I left out some key details. So basically the story is about my wedding, and right before my brother walked me down the aisle, we were talking about my dad who had passed away many years prior when we were kids. And I had asked my dad to come through for my brother

because I had had so many experiences, but my brother, for whatever reason, just didn't. And I asked my dad to make it so obvious that, like, he couldn't, you know, he couldn't mistake it, so in your face. So anyway, the night goes on. Nothing happens. My brother gets into a cab from the venue.

The cab drops him off at a bar with other people from the wedding, and he forgets his car keys in the taxi. So he's super pissed. The next night, fast forth the next night, my husband and I are leaving a restaurant and we're supposed to go to my brother's apartment to meet up with the rest of my family. It's pouring rain in Vancouver. Rain's all the time in Vancouver. So we're getting into the taxi. The taxi said, no, that's way too far.

You're going to have to get another taxi. So we jump out, get into another taxi, and he's like, cool, I'll take you there. So, you know, my husband and I was talking about our wedding and everything. And the cab driver is like, where did she say you got married? We're telling the venue. And he's like, and you were the bride? I'm like, yeah. Like, did your brother get really drunk last night?

Like, yeah. did he lose his keys? Yeah. He goes, I have the keys. I'm like, oh my gosh, that's so crazy. He's like, yeah, because I dropped your brother off at a bar. I didn't know where he lived, so I couldn't go back and give him the keys. So anyway, the look on my brother's face when he got the keys back was just insane

because I was like, that was dad. I told yourself. Anyway, love the pod. Have a good one. Our loved ones are with us, always. Wow. What are the odds? Okay, I'm literally going to cry at the last sentence.

What? The loved ones are. They're with us always. You're going to cry? That's so beautiful. Yes. I mean, it's a bad, I mean, that's an insane coincidence, no matter any way you slice it. You know, whoever you give credit for that coincidence for, that's a crazy coincidence.

What are the odds? Seriously. By the way, do you consider yourself blonde? I would consider myself. I always just say that I have brown hair, but anyone who refers to me says that I'm blonde. So I guess I must technically be a dirty blonde if those are still around these days. I feel like dirty blonde is a term that has faded over time.

What do you think? Because growing up, I was always dirty blonde in people's eyes. And then you don't hear that as much anymore. No, now we do like bronze. and, you know, different things like that. Interesting. I feel like that's more when you're getting your hair colored. That's the type of word you would use.

Sorry, somebody. Well, somebody just started to do some gardening. So you may be hearing that. Anyway, great message. I mean, I can't argue with the insane coincidence, you know? Mm-hmm. That was your father. People loved doing that.

That was your. Oh, do I tell you this one? when my mom died, the night that my mother died, I had an episode that was due for the shift podcast. So I just decided to record on my own, like my thoughts about my mother dying. But I kept getting fucking weird, like, noise in my ears when I was recording and it was fucking pissing me off.

and so then anyway like I don't know like a month later or something I was back in Ireland and I was chatting to this woman and she was like I listened to the episode about your mother you know that noise that you were complaining about that was your mom that was your mom trying to talk to you and I was like okay whatever you know and then like years later like a year or two later I I realized, like, my phone was too near my Zoom H6. And it makes that noise, you know? When like you're getting a texted shit. And I was like, holy shit, that's what that fucking was. It wasn't my fucking mom. But anyway, you know, I'm never like an asshole. I'm never like, yeah, sure, whatever, bro.

You know, I was, I'm sure I was like, oh, yeah, maybe. But anyway, I think it's great when people think that people are speaking to them through these little messages. I think it's great, you know? And I agree with you that our loved ones are always with us, you know? One of the jokes that I had in me a mama was, you know, people like to comfort you. They say things like, she's looking down on you. She's looking down on you, which is a nice thought, you know, when you're like about to get on stage or it's like a big, big moment in your life.

She's like, she's looking down. It's a nice thought. But then sometimes, you know, you're on your own. in your bedroom, about to choke one out. You're like, fuck that, bro. No such thing as heaven. Fuck that. It's just blackness at the end.

Because you really only ever think, like, it's only ever at like opportune moments that you're like, they're looking down on you. It's never like, you know, when you've just had a one night stand. Something like that's like, you're leaving some dude's house, you know, you're leaving some dude's house. You're like, your mom's looking down.

She's so proud of you right now. Anyway, so let's go for one more. Why not? Hi, Desmond Nicole. I'm calling to leave a ghost story. When my oldest son was about three years old, he came into my room really early in the morning. And it's like, Mom, who's that tall guy standing by the couch? And I'm a big chicken.

So I was like, oh, my gosh. His dad was not at home with me at the time. So I just pulled him into bed with me and we like, well, he went back to sleep. I couldn't go back to sleep. But finally, when it was time to get up, we went out into the living room. And I was like, so where was the guy standing? And he like laughed to himself. He was like, oh, it was just a blanket.

There was a blanket laying over the couch. And for whatever reason, he. thought it was a ghost or some guy, but I was scared out of my mind, but clearly he didn't face him very much. Anyway, my silly little ghost story, because I don't know if I really believe in ghosts either, but I was terrified. He didn't care. Okay.

Have a good day. Bye. That's my kind of ghost story right there. All right, so let's finish with the non-ghost story, okay? in Easter vacation of 1995. All my stories happened, that Easter vacation of the mid-90s. Easter vacation of 1995,

I went on a crazy, remember I'm still drinking and imbibing substances. I went on a crazy trip to the Aran Islands with a bunch of people, some of whom I'm not going to name any of them, Some of them, we've many times joked about this particular trip, but it was a debauchrous trip to the Aran Islands, where we were going to take copious amounts of drugs. And so I took a lot, drank a lot, obviously, a lot of ecstasy,

but particularly a lot of acid. There was just a lot of LSD floating around. And there was like a drug dealer with us. So there was just like way too much access to, drugs. Anyway, I took a lot and didn't sleep. And then the next day, I took more. I just like took a bite off a full sheet of acid. Anyway, I took a lot of acid. And I was really in a bad shape. Heading back the Aeronauts for those that don't know is an island off the west coast of Ireland. So anyway, on the way back, everybody was not in as bad shape as me. I had overdone it. And I was really

struggling with the uh to keep it together and so i decided to just like leave everybody because i was freaking out and i sat down on one of the seats and uh that i was just convinced that the person at the front of the seats was staring at me and like that trip takes like an hour and a half it's like an hour and a half ferry ride and the entire time i sat there an abject fear of like why and i just kept closing my eyes and every time i opened my eyes this fucking asshole was looking at me and I was just like please just fucking stop like just can you please just fucking stop and I like you I can't explain to you the level of fear like I was paralyzed with fear with this fucking asshole staring at me and when we finally stopped and we got up

and everybody was like let's go because nobody was with me I left them they were like I just I couldn't be around anybody uh I really it was a it was a backpack, like a backpacker's backpack on the seat. It was just like the top of the backpack. And I spent like however amount of horrible minutes just paralyzed with fear. But actually it was quite a release to realize that I wasn't being stared out the entire time. But neither to say. And I don't even put that into like a hallucination zone.

I put that into sort of like. paranoia, but I guess it was a bit of a hallucination. Anyway, don't take drugs, kids. But that was like, I only lasted another three or four months. I've never drank or taken drugs again. So that was towards the tail end. But anyway, and shout out to the Iron Islands. Great, great place.

And I'm not going to name any names, but like, what a great, what a great slash horrible trip that was. But for those that are listening, if you happen to be on that trip, you know who you are. Anyway, thanks, guys. It's the end of the episode, 9175-1-2-1758, right? Right? Let me, I don't want to end 646-4-2-370-20 if you want to WhatsApp us. We'll be back next week. Maybe one of these days we'll get a yesterday year episode.

Should never be this hard. We're going to have special guest, Kelsey Cook, one of our episodes coming up. She's got a Netflix special coming out. Don't forget, I'm on tour, my new gray area tour. You can go to Desbishop.net for my tour dates. And people make fun of me from my dot net. But what can I do? Somebody got my dot com trying to charge me gazillion dollars to get it back.

And so the tour is coming out. Actually, I have a new material show Sunday, the 23rd, which will this, oh, this will be out the day after, I guess. Yeah, so you will have missed that. But anyway, pay attention to my website for all my dates. And, oh, Australia, since we're checking about Australia, just about to add. I'm going to add some dates because I'm sold out in Melbourne, sold out in Brisbane. So it looks like we're going to add a Brisbane. We're going to add a Melbourne.

And we might even add a Perth. But if you're in Adelaide, get your shit together because you're the only city that didn't sell out. On my birthday, November 12th, I'm playing in Adelaide, mate. So come celebrate my 51st birthday in Adelaide. Oh, and if you're in Hong Kong or Singapore, also I could do with you guys buying some tickets. That's at the end of October. So any announcements, Nicole, anything you need to know?

None for me. Okay. Well, we'll see you guys. Yeah, we'll talk to you guys next week. Thanks, everybody for messaging in. Oh, of course, I didn't have a bloody prompt. Fecan idiot. Sorry.

But, you know, message in about it. anything. We'll see you guys later. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.