Berner Phone - Grief Humor

Episode Date: October 19, 2026

Des reacts to ways we cope with grief.  Download Cash App today and make your money work for you. Click here to get started: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/3wkdls8p #CashAppPartner Call [phone] to leave us a voicemail! International Dialers can leave us a voice memo on WhatsApp: [phone] FOLLOW DES: Tickets: https://punchup.live/desbishop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desbishop Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/desbishop X: https://x.com/desbishop YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desbishopcomedy TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desbishop5

Hello, dialers, and welcome back to Burnerphone. It's just as. But do not despair, the good news is the reason why Nicole is not here is because she very late in the week found out she had to move quickly. Now, if you've been following the moving drama, this has been brewing, and now it has come to fruition, which is, I think, is a good story, because let's face it, There's been signs throughout the last couple of months that her living situation was not ideal. So do not despair. It's only for this week. It was just one of those situations where it just made it easier for everybody, for me to just do it on my own, which means that I'm also editing the episode this week,

which means that we are trying to go through this without any slip-ups. And even, honestly, we'll probably just leave the slip-ups in. If ever there was a week where I could do an episode on my own, I would have thought it would have thought it would have. have been one about funny things people say around death and grief and stuff. And we had a lot of submissions. And this is the latest we've recorded in terms of a weekly episode. It is Sunday. This episode is going up tomorrow. So we've had the full week of prompts dripping in. And as I'm on my own, I'm going to let the dialers drive the episode. But let's start with the prompt for next week. Somebody sent in what I think is a pretty good prompt, so I'm going to play it, and this is the prompt for next week.

Desi, Nicole, what's up? I was listening to the end of the last pod, and for some reason, despite the fact that you guys dedicated an entire podcast to prompts. I heard you were struggling, so I decided to call in with a belated prompt idea. this is something that I've been working on for a really long time, and I'm happy to provide the full list if needed. But I think the best prompt ever in where I want to hear from all the dialers is what are your niche deal breakers? Like, for me, I just don't think I could ever end up with a man who has less than four pillows on his bed, like two really shitty pillows.

Like, that's a niche deal breaker. Just have an example. but I feel like there could be so many good ones, and I need to lengthen my list, of course, and again, I'm 2026. So that's my contribution. Love you guys. So that's our prompt for next week.

Funnily enough, just coincidentally enough, Hannah gave me a couple of prompt ideas recently, and one of them was deal breakers. In fact, we actually have, like, we're pretty loaded up on prompts now, which is great. So I've got prompts for the next couple of weeks, but I don't want to give them out

because I don't want you guys, like, send them in early. So let's, I feel like, you know, deal breakers is a good one. You know, I feel like when people send these in there thinking about like deal breakers for women, honestly for me, and I'm not trying to insult anybody, but a deal breaker is smoking. So anyway, let's save that for next week. I also want to play this one because, honestly, I feel like my life has been taken over by this subject. What's up, Des, this time caller.

Shout out John Steinbeck. Shout out East of Eden. It's hands down my favorite book. I read it probably for the first time five years ago. Like I know it was during COVID. And I had the same experience as you is just like weeping at the end of it all. Just like in awe of how it unfolded. And it's just such a special book.

I feel like Steinbeck is one of the greatest storytellers, like such good. character development and it's such a beautiful book. If you haven't read Tortilla Flat by John Spinebeck, it's a super quick read. It's hilarious. I remember reading it like 15 years ago or so now and just like literally laughing out loud. So if you want something a little more like lighthearted but still in that kind of Salinas Valley, you know, Monterey, California setting. Definitely check that one out. I know this won't make it on the pod.

I don't have a funny story about death off the top of my head. But anyway, just had to shout out my favorite book, and I love talking about it with others, and hope you get this message. And wish you well. Have a good week. Well, it did make it on the pod. And yeah, honestly, you know, because I had read East of Eden because I wanted to read it before watching the show.

But then obviously the show has become quite, it's very successful. I feel like a lot of people are talking about it. And maybe I feel like a lot of people are talking about it because my algorithm knows that I care. Either way, it's definitely in the zeitgeist right now. And there's a lot of debate over, as there always is, you know, what was true to the book, what wasn't, what was a good decision to change, but wasn't particularly around the female character, which is very interesting. So I'm not going to get into it now,

because I don't want to do any spoilers. And at the end of the day, even though we did do one Bernophone book club club club, it's not a book club pod. So anyway, I've really enjoyed East of Eden. And I've really enjoyed being in the know to enjoy all these debates and this very, like, passionate debates about this.

you know, whether, you know, the way that Kathy is being portrayed in the book versus the show. And also whether, you know, it was a misogynist take or not originally. It's fascinating conversation. So if you want to join in that conversation, I highly recommend you read East of Eden. So glad that I did. And honestly, I feel like even the attempt at doing a book club and talking about doing a book club, and almost because Hannah got sent yesterday year, like since I've read yesterday,

I've just been trying to read a lot. It's really been an addition back to my life. So we're pro-reading pod here. In fact, we got a mystery WhatsApp, which is not a mystery because I listen to it. And at the very end of the pot, I'm going to play it because it recommends two books for the book club, which I don't even know we're going to do another book club,

but whether we do or not, I'm going to just play these book recommendations because some people will hear them and they might try it out. and I'm going to read the second one that comes in the recommendation. But I'll save that for the end. Also, by the way, if you're listening in Hong Kong or Singapore, those are my next shows, which are on a Monday week, a week from tomorrow, a week from today for you guys. And then Saturday, Halloween, we're going to Asia.

Hannah's coming with me. Not for the shows. I don't want to give any false advertising, but she will be with me, but not performing. and then I'm off to Australia for three weeks. A lot of it is sold out, but I do have, I added an extra week of shows. So there are tickets left in Melbourne. There are tickets left in Brisbane,

and there are tickets left in Perth. Those are all added shows. And then the one original show that didn't sell out. Surprise, surprise, was Adelaide. Always a slow seller, Adelaide. But we're getting there. I think it's going to sell out in the end. But anyway, as my anxiety level rises here,

recorded the pot of my own because I'm getting an unstable connection warning, which is slightly worrying, but hopefully it holds up. If you see behind me, there is a neon sign that says all you need is love. This is a new location for us. It's not a recording studio, but we are not responsible for the all you need is love thing on the wall, but it is there. But I'm starting to think that maybe the Wi-Fi, not incredible in this location, but let's not get bogged down. I so don't want to edit that I'm so organized. I've numbered the prompts. So this is just a quick sort of follow up on something that I brought up last week.

Hi, Desmondicall. I'm calling in. I just finished listening to this week's podcast, and you guys asked about, like, friends to relationships and opinions and experiences. And I just want to share mine. I would say, I don't know, proceed with caution because I was in a relationship where we were friends first and then we started to date and we were in a relationship. And I don't regret any of that. Moral of the story, we broke up, didn't end up working out.

And I'm in a different relationship that I don't regret anything. But I do sometimes wonder if we had never gone into a relationship, would we still have a friendship now? Because like the foundation of a friendship is what kind of caused the relationship. And now that we're not in a relationship anymore, the friendship is kind of like hard to, like, you can't really go back to just being friends. It's kind of what I'm saying. So for anyone who's thinking about it, that's just my. experience. Yeah. Well, word to the wise. Keep it in mind. Maybe in the future that will be a prompt about friendship relationships, but let's not get bogged down because today is, it came from last

week, somebody had mentioned about crazy things that people say when somebody dies or whatever, of which, I mean, I literally, I've done two shows about my parents being either dying or dead, And there are a lot of funny things around death. You know, I was literally at a funeral last Tuesday, just gone. I was back in New York for funeral of a great man, Dennis Gagan. Shout out Mr. Gagan, who was my friend's dad, but I also had like a good friendship with Mr. Gagan because we used to play golf together without my friend. So Mr. G, as we call him.

And we, you know, we're having a good laugh. It's so funny because, like, in the show about my mother, I used to make. a joke about how the Italians and the Greeks all show up to the wake like very serious, very dour, very morose, you know, because they they just, they honestly, I think actually it's probably healthier. They're like, they're feeling it. They're actually like, they're actually like feeling the weight of the loss. They're allowing themselves to delve into the pain that they're feeling. Whereas Irish, well, this is, I'll speak Irish,

I'll say Irish American, but I think this is a fair reflection of the Irish way of dealing with death also is the Irish joke around. So my joke was always like the Italians would show up there, like wearing black, they're crying, they're like, oh, you know, so sad, she was such a nice woman. They're like, so sad, so serious. And then the Irish will show up and be like,

well, geez, I'd say the inheritance be pretty handy, you know. You know, like, it's just always a sort of a, there's always a joke, you know, which I like, by the way, you know, I can't even remember some of the funny things we were saying at, um, at the, at this, you know, it's funny the other day at this funeral. One of the first things that somebody said to me, I'm like, oh, sorry for your loss, you know, yeah, and then one of the brothers goes, you made the board because I'm in the slideshow, which I was, you know, I was very happy, but another thing you know about death is, Everyone gets very competitive about who's like, where are you in the pecking order of importance in the dead person's life? You know? Where are you in the list of closeness? How important are you in the list of mourners? It's almost like at a Catholic funeral that would be listed by like, how far back are you in the church? you know um so anyway i made the board so i mean listen i'm i'm i'm in the fucking slideshow bro

i'm in the slideshow that's like that's a big deal anyway uh that's the that's the vibe of the of the irish funeral um so anyway that it's not just about jokes though today and some of these are like not funny so it's actually i believe the prompt was like most unhinged thing that somebody said so So don't expect it all to be laughs. I'll try to keep it light throughout. Because I love a bit of death humor, as you know. But if it's not funny, that's just what's been coming in.

And we're following the numbered order. So we're looking for number four here. And it's an ash spreading story. Hello. I am calling in about unhinged humor with grief. And I remember when my dad had passed and we were spreading his ashes at the cemetery where his parents were born, where his parents were buried. And it was myself and my sister and my uncle's and a small. and my dad believed that when you died it was like turning off a light like that was it

life's done like he's not one for after life he's real humanist like believed in the present moment which I try to remind myself so he's not one to be like yeah I came back and did that but like he had a really great dry sense of humor and so anyways when we're spreading the ashes I'm sure this happens a lot but um it was a super windy day and we spread the ashes and it It all came, like, rushing back on us, all of our clothes in our mouths, little pieces of bone. I mean, absolutely disgusting. But it made us all laugh because although my dad definitely did not believe that he came back and did that, we like kind of was like, my dad.

So it was hilarious. He died laughing. And, yeah, it was great. Yeah, a little weird thing to say. It was great when my dad died. We did this thing. But anyways, all right I love it

One last joke with your dad And yes We had a little bit of a wind We had a bit of a wind situation So my dad's wish was to have his ashes spread in belly cotton And he's cork If you know that location Because we made a documentary

He described it perfectly actually Because he described perfectly Where he wanted to be his ashes spread, which was on the sort of cliffwalk area. But he didn't say cliff walk. But anyway, the way he described it, because we made this documentary, I got like a hundred messages after the documentary was on Irish TV, and they all said like the exact same spot. So he was very clear on where he wanted his ashes spread.

But anyway, and somebody I knew from Cork City had told me that the perfect spot he thought was exactly where my dad was saying, but down the cliff a bit, there was a walk to a place that they called the paradise, which was a little swimming hole. So I thought, well, why would you not spread your dad's ashes in the location he wanted to be spread, but in the place they call paradise?

Because if you believe in his eternal resting places back in paradise with his maker, then why not spread it there, which is what he believed. So anyway, we took my poor mother, who had to climb down this hole. By the way, it was such a dangerous walk that since then it's actually,

you can't get down there anymore. It's actually blocked off, and there's like loads of warning signs about danger, which is fine, because like when I go to visit where we spread my dad's ashes, I really,

because we spread them in the water, I just feel his presence in that place. And if you ever go there, by the way, the cliff walk, belly cotton, you will be like, this is a pretty good place to have your ashes spread. Anyway, we actually went down to the hole, the swimming hole, and we spread my dad's ashes. We played a song that he wanted to play The Old House by John McCormick. He wanted us to sing it, actually, but that was like, it just was weird.

So I played it on my phone. But when we spread them, not all the ashes got in the water. A lot of them sort of blew onto the rocks. so I could like see my dad's ashes on the rocks but that was fine but then the three of us myself my two brothers we actually jumped in and had a swim with my dad so that was like our thing I'll have a final swim at my father which I actually have pictures of that

of just us in the water but anyway that was our that was our the ashes spreading you got to be careful you know you got to factor in you got to factor in the wind so I assume that there are a lot of stories and I'm glad you got to laugh out of it even though you described little bits of bone and it does sound quite disgusting

but quite funny also I have to say I'm with your dad with the lights out thing but you know I I always feel bad talking about that because I feel like it's a real it's a real downer of a thought but and some of you have heard me say this before but for those that haven't heard me say it before

that's why I think that the Sopranos I don't think it's the best show ever made but I think it's the best ending ever. And I'm not saying that's what he was saying, but what I'm taking from it is that is it. Like when it's over, that's it. It's like you just go black. And that's the end of your part in this story, the story of humanity. Right. And I think that's what David Chase, I believe, was the writer of the sopranos. I really think that that's what he was saying. on a on a superficial metaphorical level it's like the the story is done right his creation is over

like if i don't write another word this doesn't exist but that's pretty frustrating right uh for the viewer because you're so engrossed in this but on a deeper level i actually think that's what happens so but each to their own as i always say As I said in Mia Mama, the show about my brother, I always said, the one thing I know for sure about death, about what happens when you die, the one thing I know for sure is that we don't know. So take a pick, whatever one comforts you, and we'll see who's right. You know?

So anyway, great, great opening story. There's actually like, there's a really dark one. about ashes and I'm really 50-50 about playing it? Because it's it's dark humor. I almost want to save it for the end. I'm going to save it for the end. But God, it's dark humor, man. So stay tuned for the end of the pod

for a book recommendation, but also some pretty dark humor about being cremated. Let's go for number five. What a Des decide? What a Des decide in advance of the pod? was number five. Hi, Des

and Nicole, I was calling about one of the suggested prompts from a previous episode. There was the weird things people have said during grief. So it's not mine personally,

but one of my best friend's mothers passed away. Ironically, on the same day that we found out that my children's mother at the time was cheating on me. And my friend said that her mom's parting gift to me was me finding out that my partner was cheating. So she's like, oh, well, my mom died, but in passing, she gave that to you.

Yeah, so that was, I guess, kind of the craziest thing I ever heard anybody say about a family member passing. Yeah, love the pot, have a good one. You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself reaching for over and over again? That sweater that somehow works with everything? The jeans you know will always just fit right? Or the bag you carry everywhere. Those are the pieces that earn a permanent place in your wardrobe. And that's exactly what Quince does so well.

Honestly, I can't love Quince enough. I just got Hannah, the 100% Mongolian cast. sweater for just 50 bucks, giving you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. In case you're wondering, I got her as kind of a navy one. It's just got like elegance. Sort of effortless elegance, I guess I would describe it. It's so nice. You put it on it. It's just automatically chic. Quinn says everything you need to round out your wardrobe from warm, reasonably sourced down jackets and cozy cashmere scarves and gloves to beautiful 14KK gold jewelry that adds that perfect finishing touch. Find the full pieces you'll reach for most at Quince.

Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was burner phone. It's the best way to support the show. Yeah. I mean, I always love when people decide that something was done. by somebody that passed, you know? But that's a fun one to have for such a negative thing, you know, for that happened to you,

it's kind of nice to have put this sort of fun, ridiculous memory to it. Not to mention, if you were going to get a wish bestowed upon you by somebody who just passed, your friend's mum, for example, you would like it to have been maybe something a bit more fun. But at the same time, a stitch in time saves nine. So, it's good that you nip that one in the bud early.

You know, the longer these things go on, the more painful they can be. So, that's such a funny memory of your friend's mother's loss. But I hope it's worked out since. I hope you've found love again. And I hope also, if I can add, that you found some resolution with your ex, considering I think there's two kids involved. So all in all, a lot going on there.

But we wish you the best here from Burnaphone, which, by the way, let's take a break and say, I think I've decided on the name of the pod. And I'm pretty sure it came from either a message on the Google voicemail or. or the Spotify comments. And if you wrote it or said it to me in either of those formats, you can take credit. I think we're going to call it either dial up Des or Dial-up Desi. Because it's very on the nose for what you're doing. You're dialing up, right? It also has that immediate sort of connection to nostalgia, which, let's face it,

very inspired by nostalgia these days. I am. and I think the pod enjoys a bit of nostalgia from various generations, you know, because like we all have our, that's very enjoyable, actually, to see what's nostalgic to different generations and different cultures. So it has a hint of nostalgia on it. It's got alliteration, obviously, which we love. It's not a pun, but it's kind of a pun, I guess, dialup.

So anyway, it's going to be Dialup Desert, Dialup Desi. that seems to be unanimous. Hannah liked it. My agent liked it. Seems to get universally at least a decent reaction. I had liked dialer tone, which somebody had messaged in. I liked dialer tone, but, because that's also nostalgic, right? But, and I like the fact that it's like the tone of the dialers set the tone, you know?

but it didn't get as universal acceptance as dial-up des and it's like a bit more like dial-up I don't know it just it's like more fun you know and it's more direct of like this is what we're doing um so those were the those were there was one other one that uh that was in the running but I've forgotten anyway it's going to be dial-up des and it's getting close to the time where if that's going to happen the name change it's going to it's going to happen soon and uh but it's going to motivate me. So here's the things that are going to happen, guys. Bit of housekeeping here. What's going to happen is when we change the name, I'm going to get, it's going to get its own Instagram page and I promise I'm going to post a lot

more clips on the Dial Up Dez Instagram page and I'm going to create its own YouTube page for Dial Up Dez and we're going to be doing a lot more video. In fact, I think we might just post the full apps. every week. So it's kind of, you know, because like, honestly, you know, things, things are going, you know, things are going well for my, my own, like, stand up and stuff. There's just been like a noticeable increase in, I don't know, popularity is that the word, but certainly more people go to my shows and stuff. And I just want to be able to, you know, really convert that into the podcast also. So that's...

the idea behind it is to have a lot of these new people that are coming to my Instagram and coming to my shows for them to make it a bit more obvious that if they're a fan of me that this would be the place to come and listen so that's what's happening spread the word dial up des is the name hope you guys are happy feel free to state your opinion in the Spotify comments send in a message you know that at the end of the day this podcast is driven by you guys the dialers i'm not by the way i'm not trying to piss off the dialers i'm trying to expand the amount of dialers that we have but always in the knowledge that it's for you guys so let's uh let's take number six i really should

try to remember the numbers number six or death-related story. So I just lost my mom seven years ago. And this week was actually the seven years. And I just thought of something because my mom actually passed on my mother-in-law's birthday. So I feel like every year it's like a little gotcha. You know, you can't really celebrate your mother-in-law

without thinking of your dead mom. So that's just my little story. You know, I got a smile at something, right? Amen. I mean, what better way to have an excuse to not give a shit about your mother-in-law's birthday than, sorry, it's also my mother's death anniversary. By the way, I would like to add that I have a very good relationship with my mother-in-law, and I do not partake in mother-in-law.

mother-in-law jokes in relation to my situation. But I do appreciate the energy of mother-in-law issues, particularly from sort of wives to mothers. As you know, since the episode talks openly about the fact that my parents are dead, Hannah does not have to worry about that situation. So everybody's unanimous in my family that Hannah and my mother would have gotten along, but we'll never know. Perhaps Hannah would be joining in with the mother-in-law jokes.

But anyway, I, you know, I'm funny about the death anniversary stuff because, like, I don't, like, I don't, I don't get into that. By the way, I'm not dismissing anybody that cares. Most of my friends care. But I, for years, I tried to forget my dad's anniversary because it's. It's kind of one of those things where it's like with you all the time. So like, what's the difference on the day that he died or not, you know? So I used to try to like not remember.

Well, not try to not remember. I just like, I just did not register the day. But particularly because in Ireland, everybody knew because it was actually like information, then on the day, I would get messages from people thinking of you today. And I'd be like, oh, fuck, I guess it's my dad's anniversary. But then it happened so many years in a row. Now I actually know the date, but I really paid no attention at the time. So now I know. And my mother's for some reason, I always remember, it's March 19th. But I don't really like make it like a thing. Because I feel like it's like a thing all the time. There's no like, I don't think, but I'm also open to people that that do. But I, you know, because it's a thing. It's a thing. just like one of those things that just hits you when it hits you. Like I find it more profound like a memory or a smell or a song or a show, you know, or honestly like bumping into somebody

you haven't seen it in a long time that has a story. Like I think those things are like more meaningful than oh, this is the day our mother died. You know? Because, yes, obviously it makes you sad, but I don't know, it's just like, that's just like that day. But that's just me, you know. I have no problem with, you know, people who care about the anniversary. And I'm certainly happy for you, Diler, that you have been able to turn your mother-in-law's happy day into a day of grief. You know, hold on to it. And really, when it's your mother's 10-year anniversary, really fucking ruin your mother-in-law's birthday. You deserve it.

Anyway, this is actually, I believe, an advice question. Let's get into it, guys. Let's get into it. Hey, Nick Caroline and death. I, okay, so this is kind of more death-adjacent. And so, and I really just kind of needed some of that. vice. So it's not totally on subject, but I was just curious

what your thoughts are. So I'm getting married at the end of the year and the beginning of this year, my like father figure passed away. So like I'm totally good with it, but I'm not good with him

talking, but just I understand that like there's not going to be anybody to like give me away or like do any of that, which I understand that the little, the notion of a little antipathing but it's more just like I don't know I guess I'm just kind of stuck of like we're like lean towards just eloping because just there's a lot of the like meaning and traditional kind of that's not no longer relevant and so that's like one of my big hangups because I'm

like if he's not there it just seems really odd to me and like me by myself and I do have a grown son to see my first marriage my fiance's first marriage but I do have a grown son that is 19 like is off at college and stuff so like people have suggested maybe him doing it but I also just I don't know

it just seems weird like I feel like it would be weird for him so I don't know I was just curious what your thoughts are about that it is a little bit more than like that's adjacent but I just kind of sometimes I feel like just hearing some people who have like a healthy relationship

with death thinking about things maybe a little more objectively like Love you guys. Well, you know, when I read this earlier, I was, I really felt for you because, I mean, I didn't have any issues around like the ceremony, but also like there's there's not the same tradition, right? Of like in the actual ceremony itself, like my parents not being there. It's just like two people in the row. You know, we didn't get married in the church, but, but obviously, I think particularly at American weddings, the groom and the mother have their dance. And, you know, I was like aware of that more though beforehand.

I was just very aware like, ah, it's a pity. You know, I really, I really was feeling that it was a pity. I was really honestly more annoyed at myself. for having had waited so long. Not that, of course, had I not waited so long, I wouldn't be with Hannah, thank God for that. But you know what I mean. Actually, that probably even came out wrong.

I don't mean like I was annoyed, but it was just like, it was just one of those things where it was just like, ah, this is, you know, I felt like it was a bit unfortunate for that they wouldn't be there. But that was like leading up to it. actually on the day it wasn't a thing it really wasn't

I mean yes I would have preferred them to be there and yes when I said a few I said well Hannah and I both made a speech you know to be honest I was going to say I said a few words Hannah and I totally hammed it up at our wedding and like both made speeches that were quite funny but you know I pointed out that my in the speech

I mentioned that my parents weren't there and I did get a little choked up at that moment. But that was like, that was the only time because I was happy that my Irish parents were there, Joe and Mick. Coincidentally enough, Mick sadly has since passed away and he actually passed away on my mother-in-law's birthday. Which is just a funny coincidence. We were, I found out when I was on my way to Lenore's 60th surprise birthday party when I actually got the call. which I had remembered earlier when you were saying that, but it just didn't seem relevant to point out.

But now that I'm actually pointing out that my Irish parents were there, and my aunts and uncles were there, and I just didn't feel it as much. But I am also aware of the tradition that you're talking about. And I think for you, just because you're asking me, right, I think for you, rather than get caught up, on the lack of their presence.

I think you should just think about the type of ceremony that you want. You know, and what would make that day special for you or not? Because I think when push comes to shove, even if a part of the day would be a sadness for you that they're not there, that I don't think it would, it would take over the day for you. And if you want that, if you want, whatever you want, because I don't know what, you know,

whatever type of day that you want, if that's a very strong feeling for you, I think it would be a pity if you didn't have it because of the absence of a few people, a couple of people, your dad, really. I think in your case you were talking about. So I just think you need to decide if the actual event itself, regardless of who's there, is important to you. And if that's the case, I think you're going to be okay with whatever you decide.

And I don't think you should get too hung up on who walks you down the aisle, who gives you away, or all these types of things. Because everyone's so non-traditional now anyway, you can do whatever the hell you want. you know i i've seen i've seen various different things and i've seen you know the the the older child do it and i've seen the cousins and the best friends and i've seen i've seen so much of that stuff so honestly you just do whatever the hell you want but also i want to point out if you really feel like the absence is too strong and you won't be able to enjoy the day then elope who gives a shit you know honestly it doesn't doesn't really matter. It's just at the end of the day. It's just a party. You know, what matters is

the longevity of it and the compromise and the happiness and the memories that you're going to make anyway. This is just one memory. And that's the problem is sometimes we get so caught up in this, the marriage moment, that we forget that it's just one day, one page. It's not even a chapter. It's a page in a very long story. So do whatever you use. think will be the best for you on the day but the only bit of advice I have in relation to my own experience is on the day I don't think it'll be as much of a presence as you think because I really felt I felt it a lot more like even honestly even before I met Hannah I I had a feeling of what a fucking pity my parents are never going to see me get married and they're never going to see

their grandchildren if I ever have them and that was a sadness for me Like literally I can feel it right now as I'm saying it. That was a sadness. But actually on the day, it wasn't the presence that I thought it would be when I was thinking about it. That's all I can say. That's my only actual personal experience. I hope that meant something to you. Let's go to number eight.

First time caller, long time listener. I am 36 years old and became a widow two years ago. and I have so many of the stories for weird things that people have said or how I have reacted. One of my favorite ones is I was buying a roll of duct tape to try to fix something

and that's all I was buying and the guy goes, oh, what are you going to do? Tie your husband up with this and kill him. And I go, he's already dead and like just walked out. It was awful. Oh, man.

Sometimes he just don't have a filter. Honestly, I'm laughing just as much as when I read that out. I find that, I just find that so funny. And it's, it's, it's tragic though, right? When you, you lose your, your spouse, young. Anybody I know who's been through that fucking sucks, you know, and nobody knows what to bloody say. So if you're not allowed to have your own fun with it, then what the hell are you allowed to do in this life? Plus, people say the dumbest jokes. By the way, I'm aware that this guy didn't know your fucking husband was dead. I'm aware,

but it's also just like, it's such a weird. It's such a weird joke to make. So he deserves what you did to him. He deserves it. And trust me, I've had it done to me once or twice, like on stage, you're fucking around with somebody and they're like, oh, they're dead or whatever. What are you going to do? You know, it's always a showstopper, you know, in an interaction on the street or on stage, showstopper. It's fucking hilarious. I had a lull. Apparently, though, I think that there's a movement against LOL. This is what I'm hearing on the streets. That the, maybe not even the Gen Zs, the youngsters are against LOL.

So are we losing that now too? It's very hard to, it's very hard to stay on top of what you can and can't say. I also saw an article recently. I think it was in the New York Times talking about how mid-century modern is millennial cringe. So we're going after mid-century modern now? You know what sucks? Because you know 90 stuff is back in fashion now with baggy jeans and shit, which is hilarious to me because, you know, obviously we're in round two of it. But mid-century modern is literally in the name.

come back. When it goes out the second time, does that hurt? Does that hurt it even more? You know, is, does mid-century modern, I know that doesn't have feelings, but, you know, like, is it, is it a double hurt to be like, are you telling me I'm gone again after all these years? By the way, I like mid-century modern, you know, I'm Gen X, but if that's millennial cringe now, so be it. You know, so be it. it's hard to keep up. I'm actually not delighted that 90s fashion came back. If you must know, actually,

I can't wait for this 90s rebirth to pass. Because I don't like the baggy shit. I mean, I'm doing it a bit, trying to be cool, but I don't think it was the best era, to be honest with you. You know, I don't think it was certainly in suits. I like the baggy suits, it's like, okay, I guess sometimes you have to have a,

trend to like clean the palate like I feel like this baggy this baggy suit trend is just like all we're doing is just like taking a break from what looks good so that we can appreciate what looks good again so fucking it's ginger bro it's a fucking piece of ginger while you're eating sushi it's a pallet cleanser because we can't stay with this it looks like shit it looks like shit there's no way that a fitted tailor's tailored suit doesn't look better than the this fucking baggy, high-wasted nonsense. All right, I'll do it. I want to be cool.

I want to fit in. But it's not as good. It looks like shit. The only reason you like it is because you got a little bit... We are too long with the fitted tailored suit. We need a break. But that's all this is. It's a fucking break.

All right? So clean your mouth out. Drink some sparkling water. You know? Have something that makes it fresh again. And let's get back. to fucking some good flavor fitted tailor suit please because this baggy shit is ridiculous i'm aware that that's a little off topic but it needed to be said all right and uh come at me if

you don't agree maybe maybe you're not as passionate about suits as i am but that's just my personal opinion i love the 90s i loved the 90s and i loved the 90s and i I like rave culture and I wore the baggy pants and all that. I'm not even really talking about street. 90 streetwear. I'm glad it came back. I'm really talking about the suits. Let's go for number 10.

Number 10 on Des's list. Oh, this one's like, this is definitely not funny. Hi, Des and Nicole, or should I say Caroline? I wanted to call in for the grief. episode and mine doesn't really have to do with a person. It has to do with my dog that I had in middle school. So when my dog, I had a dog in middle school who was a toy wheel and he would literally always run away from our house like all the time, especially when we were not home or when we were sleeping. So double menace because we didn't even realize when he would escape. Anyway,

So one day, my dog escaped, and lo and behold, he was hit by a car, like a hit and run. And obviously, the next day, we had to go to school. And we, like, my sister and I, we were devastated, my sister, especially because she has always been more of a dog for him than me. And, like, this dog was, like, her best friend, whatever. So I was sad, but I was also more sad for my sister. Anyway, so I was telling my friend this, like, during science class. And I was like, yeah, my dog died last night and this morning with all the calls from the police and it was just like whatever very drug. And she was like, well, honestly, I don't really remember because it was great, but it was something like you had it coming or like your dog had it coming or something.

It was crazy. Like I was so thinking back. Like we were in eighth grade, mind you. Like, we weren't, like, you know, four-year-olds and, like, whatever thing. And, like, you have a fully developed brain and you're saving it to me. Like, my dog just died, like, less than 24 hours ago. Sorry, this is, like, bringing up feelings. But I'm like, that's just such an unhaged thing to stay.

Anyway, love you guys. Hope this makes it into the episode. Bye. Well, can I just say that your dog did not have a coming? We were lucky our first dog. was a bit of a run or two, which really meant that we were, we knew that the dog could hop the fence, but we still just like let the dog out. But our dog got out a lot. And before we had the dog neutered, because like back in the 80s, like having the dog neutered immediately wasn't as much

of a normal thing. So like, we didn't have the dog neutered for a while. You know, Shruffy was his name. He was off galavanton around the neighborhood. God knows what he was doing. So he got out a lot and like Scruffy could have died and it wouldn't he didn't have it coming It's sad I mean at the end of the day like cars are unsafe you know and uh so I'm sorry that you lost your dog that way But also I'm going to give the eighth grade guy a little grace you know he doesn't I'd say he didn't have the etiquette he didn't understand the gravity of what he was saying you know and uh people say stupid shit. But that is the essence of this prompt.

So you did the right thing by calling in. And I'm sorry that you'll... You know, I feel like one of the dogs... There's a few types of dog losses like in terms of like how serious they are for you. And one of the top three

is the family pet when you're young. And honestly, I think for a lot of people and definitely for me, it's one of their first real like encounters with grief we i i lost my we had a tenant we actually we rented out our basement illegally when we were children well not us my parents we actually inherited the guy he was living there and my parents i guess in the closing said it's all right just leave him down

there but it wasn't actually like a legal apartment very new york stuff like illegal basement apartment But anyway, we left Joe there, who I'm not going to name him, but I think his brother was actually connected to the mob. But if I told you his last name, you'd know that I'm probably right. But anyway, Joe was like our grandfather that we never had. Both my grandfathers were dead. Joe was like the most amazing guy, you know? And he used to like pretend to remove his thumb and stuff. You know, that stupid shit that kids think is hilarious.

But he used to babysit for us. And anyway, when Joe died, I was the altar boy. And that was killer. I remember that was the first one. But my second encounter with grief was when Scruffy died. And that was tough, man. That's the beginning of understanding loss. So for you, when, you know, like this kid in eighth grade, he probably hadn't encountered

it yet. And, you know, when you're that young and you're just like oblivious to the gravity of a situation, you probably just can't imagine how insensitive saying that is. But the good and the bad of it is that you still have those strong feelings. The bad of it is that it's sad and that dog died too young, but the good of it is that that dog had that much effect on you that you can still get a little choked up thinking about it. And that, despite the pain, is, you know, the joy of having had the experience brings the pain. It's the price of a wonderful thing. Is the gravity of the loss. That's the killer. That's the killer about this whole bloody subject. But losing pets are

killer. Anyway, that's one of the top. I think the other big one I've noticed in this life, like in terms of like pet loss. None of them, by the way, I'm not I'm not really ranking. Everybody's journey with grief is personal. But I think the other big one is like if you're like, if you have a pet like

you know, you first say move to a city or you go out in your own, right? The beginning of adulthood and you're out there figuring it out, maybe you're living on your own and you have a pet. And like that pet is like, your companion. It's like getting you through that tough period of life. Maybe you've moved to a new

city and like you don't know a lot of people or or even like walking that dog is like how you met a load of people, you know, and like, or that dog got you just through that time, you know, the early like, just like that time. And then when, when that pet passes, that's a tough one, you know, because you almost feel like I wouldn't have been able to get through that without that pet. That can be a toughy also they're all tough by the way but i just think there's just certain pets that just like mean more to you at certain times of your life those are two that i could think of you know but anyway just thinking about all the pets you know i'll tell you how much i this is how much i think that pet grief uh is real grief is i wrote a book about my dad called my dad was nearly james

bond which was about my father but You know, I've talked about this before, but I did a live show about it after I found out my dad had cancer. And my father was involved in the show. So the show, my dad was nearly James Bond, was about the fact that my dad was ill, and it was really about when the relationship changes and you become the parent of your parents. Right? That's the main theme is when suddenly you're the caretaker of the people that took care of you. from the cradled to the cradler is their line that I used

about a moment that I had with my father when he found out that he had small cell lung cancer stage four and literally as I tell the story now I can visualize exactly where we were Booth Memorial Hospital with New York Presbyterian but people from my neighborhood will call it Booth Memorial Hospital till the day they die Booth Memorial Hospital, Flushing Queens and you know I could just take

like, oh, shit, I got to look after this guy now. And that's where the line came from from the cradle to the cradleer. I got to look after this guy. You know, I knew that my role had changed. That's what that show was about. But when I wrote the book, I wrote it mostly after he died. So there's some stuff about loss in the book. And the last chapter begins with a story about

coming back from Ireland and not hearing mistress's bark. Mistress was our second dog who we got coincidentally enough this is not this is relevant to this dialer's message

we got mistress when Scruffy had done another runner and because he had dog tags they didn't have chips back then but the dog tags were for North Shore Animal League so somebody had returned Scruffy to North Shore Animal League Nostron Emily called us and the rest of my family went to pick up Scruffy but I stayed back because I was getting kicked out of school and I had a ton of homework and I was really in trouble to be

honest with you and they were like you're not coming you have a lot of work to do stay here and do your homework and like get yourself together and they can't came back with Scruffy and another dog. And I remember distinctly saying, I knew it. I knew you guys were going to get another dog. I had a feeling. I had a feeling.

So they come back with this like samoyed, border collie mix, all white with a brown patch. And honestly, I loved mistress. But in hindsight, she was the worst fucking dog of all time, even though we loved her.

She never stopped barking. She was like, very aggressive against anyone coming to, like, there was just so much about mistress that if I was an adult making that decision, like, I would have been like, God, what a fucking disastrous dog is. Oh, and she shed like a lunatic. But we called her mistress, by the way, because Scruffy had been a single man, and now suddenly he was living with this, this other dog. So that's where the term mistress came from. And anyway, mistress was a big barker. But very soon after that, you know, that's how I ended up going to Ireland. I did get kicked out of school,

and I ended up going to Ireland. So my relationship with Mistress was always that she would be so excited when I came back. So excited when I came back from Ireland. And all those years of coming back. And then I was actually, I was the one that took Mistress to the vet when we, when she put her down, she passed away many, many years later. And, uh, but I when I would come back from Ireland after that I could still hear the barks as I got to the door even though she wasn't there it was just like in my mind that she was going to jump up on me you know and like cover me in hair you know it's like it's it's hard for that to go but anyway the point is that that's like real grief and that's really like a great example of like why I feel like the anniversaries don't matter is because it's like the moments come and they come strong the memories the triggers so anyway I I the final chapter the book about my dad I talk about the mistress story you know because I and it's a lead I you can read the book but it's a lead into talking about the first time I came back from Ireland after my father died and obviously I wasn't expecting barking but you just expect to see them when you walk through the door you know that's that's that's that's the thing so anyway i won't i won't go too deep into you can read the book my

dad was in james bomb it's hard to find but you can get the ebook the ebook is an easy buy it's an easy read by the way not that not that i'm suggesting my own book for a burn a phone book club but it is an easy read uh let's uh let's go for number 11 let's go Let me stick to my plan. I'll stick to my plan. Hey, Des. Hey, Nicole. I'm just calling in about the grief stories episode, the prompt.

I recently lost my mother this last year. And one of the most interesting things that I've experienced was while flying back from a trip to Nashville, I had a TSA agent pretty heatily interrogate me about what was in my next. which contains my mother's ashes. Kind of seems like he thought I was trying to smuggle something illicit that I shouldn't have with me. But when I looked at this man dead in the eyes and he says, well, what's in there? And I said to my mother, the TSA agents around him got really, really quiet, really fast.

And it kind of made a little bit of an awkward moment. And he said, excuse me, I repeated myself. It's my mother in there. And he looked at me like he had just seen hell freeze over. And like he realized he very much screwed up by asking me what was in my necklace. And then he said, all right, well, have a good day. And I said, thank you very much. And that was definitely the weirdest experience I've had dealing with ashes.

I mean, I laughed out loud. I lulled there. I l-oled. Can I say that now? I l-oled. But in fairness, you set it up that way when you were like my mother. You were being funny, but it was funny. I mean, it made me laugh.

And, you know, ashes, bringing ashes is complicated. When we actually, when my mother had to bring my dad's ashes across, there's like a whole, there's an application process for like a full thing of ashes. So don't just think you can just bring the ashes. And another fun fact, way heavier than you think, a human body and ashen form. Fun fact. Get ready to engage your core when you go to collect those ashes. All right, let's go for a few more quickies.

Hey, Des, hey Nicole. I'm calling about the unhinged things people have said to you while you're grieving. So when I was three years old, my mom died. then my dad met my now-stead mom when I was about five and they got married a few years later. Then fast forward to being 17 and my dad passes away. So shortly after that, my stepmom takes me to go visit my grandma on my birth mom's side. And we're sitting on a couch and my grandma just looks over at me with the statusized. and goes, oh, meha, you poor orphan.

Mind you my stepmom, who's been in my life since I was five and mostly the only mother figure I've known, we look at each other and we're like, did she just say that? So yeah, that was crazy, and I'm not really that close to back by my family anymore. Thank you. Bye. I mean, I guess on some level, she was right. It's very funny, though. I remember somebody called me an adult orphan when my mom died.

Anyway, the good news is that you still have your stepmom, which is a positive. I want to get through a few more before we finish because I really have been talking a lot. All right, so are we going to do this super dark one? I just like, this is dark, man. I'm just going to play it and I'm not going to talk about it. How about that? and then I'm going to play these book recommendations. All right.

This I'll leave this. No, you know what? I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't play it. I just feel like it's too much. You know, it's too much. But it was, it was dark, but it was funny.

And I'm just, I just, I don't, I don't trust that it won't cause drama. So I'm sorry, guys. And because I'm, because I'm not editing this pod, I'm just leaving in my weak moment here. This was a weak moment by me. I've given in. But this is, this comes in as a mystery WhatsApp, comes in from an Irish dialer. And it's just two book recommendations.

Let's finish off for the book recommendation. I think I'm going to read the second one. Here we go. Damn it. The one bloody thing. The one thing that didn't work, guys, is my mystery WhatsApp, not playing on bloody speaker. I'm trying to like have a smooth operation here

and not have to do any editing. And lo and behold, I have failed. I hath fail, G. I have failed ye dialers. I'm going to try one more time. One more time. Mystery WhatsApp.

Is it going to go? Mr. WhatsApp. Hello, Jess and Nicole. I wanted to dial in and recommend a book for the next book club because I just finished yesterday and so it went back and listened to the book club episode and I really loved it

the episode, not the book. I felt the book was kind of shit, but I really liked the episode where you guys discussed it. So I think we should pick another book to be the next like Burner Phone book club and some of my recommendations are Whistler by Anne Patrick which I just finished. It's amazing.

I think people would really like it. kind of new at the moment um really really good like book club topic and then my other one which might be the best book i've read all year is the bright years um it's by sarah demouf i think that's how you say her name this one in particular would be really interesting because i'd love to hear jess's opinion it has um like themes of like alcoholism addiction um recovery and it would just be a really good book, I think, for the artist to discuss. So those are my recommendations. I would love if you

pick around those. Yeah, I mean, I don't have a like a answer to this week's prompt about like the funeral thing. So instead, I decided to speak about the books. So, yeah, I hope those are considered.

Nice. So there you go. Honestly, I'm going to read that second book because you know what happened after after I read East of Eden, I was like, I enjoyed East of Eden and I've read the Grapes of Wrath. What other books should I read? And obviously they suggested more Steinbeck books, but they also said, if you like that, you should read Cormac McCarthy. And then I've actually read The Road. So I said, I said I would try. So you look up and it's like blood meridians too heavy. So I've been reading all the pretty horses. But, Like, you know, it's not that I don't care.

It's just like, I just need a break from like the West. I just need a break from like, I need a break from just something. There's something about it that I'm just like, I need a break from it. Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying it, but I need a break. So I'm going to take a break from all the pretty horses. And I'm going to switch to this book. And it's not a book club recommendation.

Maybe we'll, maybe we'll do that. when we become dial-up. But for now, that's just a recommendation. And it's always good to get an Irish voice on the pod. So anyway, guys, you know the prompt. You know the prompt for next week. It's deal breakers. Have some fun with it.

Nicole will be back next week. And so send in your messages. Oh, my God. How could I not have read out the number? 917 5121758 917 512 917 512 1758 and for the WhatsApp

for the mystery WhatsApp it's plus 1-646 4237020 plus 1 646 4237020 and so at least it's been a full episode of Burnaphone and I am not editing one second of it. I'm not adding one sec. The only thing that'll change is some ads will pop up. That's all.

So as natural as it is, this has been your episode of Burn a phone. Hope to see you on the road. See you on Instagram. See you in the Spotify comments. See you on the Google phone. See it in the WhatsApp. See you where we see you.

Thanks for listening. Bye-bye.