Berner Phone - Ian Fidance: Being Perverted & How To Cruise

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Ian discovered he was weird and chats about toxic masculinity, ghosting therapists, being a closeted half homosexual, his boner origin story, cruising, sex addiction, why he cut his long hair, and opening for Dave Attell. Join Hannah's Patreon to get bonus episodes and get added to her close friend's list on Instagram! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning Hell. I am here in hell. It's a hot one today. I'm with Ian Fydance, who we've both been sitting in the same building for a good 20 solid minutes. Oh, yeah. Without knowing we both were here. It's a very conservative estimate. I think it was like a half hour. I was like, you good? And he's like, yeah, I'm good. I said, I'm outside, didn't realize outside was right outside. Well, I said I was outside smoking, which would entail being outdoors. Yeah.

Because you're not allowed to smoke in buildings in New York City anymore because of fucking Giuliani. You were just sitting in the lobby while I was in the studio patiently waiting, and you know what? It made us closer. Yes. Ian Fidance, I'm looking at your website. I haven't read it yet, but let's read it now. Ian Fidance is an offbeat yet upbeat New York City comic from.

Delaware. Yes. What the fuck does that mean? Upbeat means positive and that's also a reference to ska because in ska it's played with upbeats. Okay. Okay. We're getting a big fan of ska music. And offbeat means, you know, off the beaten path kind of like weird a little. So I'm offbeat yet upbeat. Do you think you're weird? I didn't know I was weird until like recently. and it's so funny because my best friend in high school was like the biggest weirdo and I thought that like everyone thought like oh Ian's the straight guy and he's the crazy guy it's like no everyone was like oh here comes two legitimately crazy people and I had no idea

that I was weird you thought you were keeping him saying I thought everyone else was fucking weird and fucking you know loony tunes and then all of a sudden I found out that the call was coming from inside the house you know weird is a social construct and I love weird people and that's why I have you on. Well, thank you. Nikki Glazer, I said he's on a short list of people who have made me pee laughing. Yes. I love that she need to say, you know, it's pretty much only two people.

Yes, yes. Because her vagina is still tight. She's at 36. Yes. Or I forget. But a power act by Dave Attell, you've been opening for him. And Radio Legend, Ron Bennington, called you one of the most unique comics working today. I thought when I first read that, it said the most unique work.

I do work in a very unique way, I guess. How do you work? I don't know. I get most of my work done when I'm walking from my apartment to the train. And on the train is when I'm frantically, like, answering emails, booking, like, editing things. And then when I'm in my apartment, I'm like, well, I'll just sing songs to my cat for seven hours. So we bond because you have a very adorable cat Sampson. Yes.

know if we'd be here right now. I don't know if I'd be here right now. I'd be trying to return him. Has he changed your life at all? An incredible amount. Right. Yeah. I'd never committed beastiality before I had this cat. I kiss him on his lips. I kiss my cat. And they don't love it. He loves it. He likes his little mustache. When I come home, he hops up to wherever I am. And if I don't pay attention to him, he rolls on his belly in front of me and just looks at me. And then I go, I just, and then I rub my mustache on his mustache. I love that. And, you know, we have a really close relationship.

Yes. The boys. You're comfortable with your sexuality, aren't you? Very much so. I, yeah, I don't, I mean, I don't know too much about you and your dating world, but I wasn't for years. Why? Because there was a closeted, half homosexual.

Can I say that? Was that a, anyway. No, you could say whatever you want. It's fucking America, okay? When did this turn into, you know, Guantamamo Bay? I didn't even pronounce it, Guantamamo. It sounds like a beach boy song. Sounds like a town in Long Highland, Guantamamo.

It sounds like an Italian restaurant, but I want to go here. In Jersey, sure. But you're from Jersey? No, I'm from Delaware. Whatever. Anyway. You just read it my bio, you illiterate bitch. What the hell's the matter with you?

He's a New York City comedian from Wilmington, Delos, so tell me, you're from Jersey. What was that like? Literally, me and Chris were just bonding over being from Delaware. You're like, so. You know what? Jersey, huh? How do I say I don't care in the nicest way possible? You just did.

No, I actually really do care. I care about you because you like cats. But also, this is fascinating to me. I've, people have talked, don't you love to hear what other comics talk about you? I guess, yeah. It's going to be painful. Oh, boy, here we go. No, everyone loves you.

Everyone's like, Ian's great. Ian's great. And then there's some rumors where people are like, I think he's bye. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. When did you realize you were by? Well, when did I realize I was like what bisexual is?

Or when did I realize that when I was attracted to the fellows? That. Probably, you know, like sneaking under the bathroom stall in first grade to rub dicks with another boy in my class. And then when he touched my bean as in front of a group of people, I chased him and punched him and he didn't come back to school the next year. Probably around the end.

I love the downlow stories because like the mask, toxic masculinity is so huge right now. I can't even say it. Yeah. Well, I think it all comes from the fact that more people than are willing to admit

had homosexual experiences so that they feel that if they get rejected from a woman, and then that makes them more gay and they have to repress that. So like if you reject me, the stakes are higher because that makes me closer to being gay

because I've done these gay acts so I have to act out when in reality they would just feel so much better as they're like, you're not a bitch, I just jerked off my friend Steve.

I'm sorry. That makes so much sense. But you've also, is it a different kind of attraction to men and women? Like, do you have to be in a different kind of mood? Yeah.

Well, I mean, I've, so, you know, it's something I, like, struggled with my whole life and, and, and, um, just at, like, push and pool and, like, what does it mean? And that, like, I very much so was, like, um, self-hating and, like, uh, you know, I had to be like, I was kind of like a, like a dexter of, of gayness, you know, growing up. Well, I had to like, you know, uh, I was like committing blowjob crimes. and then helping solve them in public. You know, like, I'd be like, oh, my God, Gior. I think that guy's gay.

Well, K's are weird, huh? I'd be like, now, if you don't mind me, I have to go home and wrestle. I have to be early to wrestling practice. You must have been so hyper aware of. So hyper aware. Because it's like you're dealing with two. I mean, legitimately, like.

You're trying to fuck girls and fuck dudes. And the energies must have been insane because you never had a group that you could just feel calm around. Without a doubt. It was constantly on edge If someone even grabbed my cell phone I would lose my mind because I was afraid they would see

The no-no things that I kept hidden You're naughty And very And I'm a complete pervert But I have a heart of gold And I would never cross a line Why do you think you're a pervert? Because I've always just been like a sexual deviant

Internet like I just love like armpits and smells Like not normal things and cats you know but uh now and and i think i've realized through time and like therapy and introspection and reflection that i'm not because i could never like date a guy because i'm not fucking gay and no no i don't i've tried to like you know be intimate with men but it's not something i could do um i just don't that's not in me so i very much feel like uh You mean emotionally intimate? Emotionally, yeah, yeah.

Interesting. So I'm manic depressive. I'm bipolar and a big part of being bipolar is acting out sexually. Wow. So that's like a symptom of bipolar. And I've noticed that it's almost like I've, you know how women can like sink their periods to the moon? But they have to like take their temperature and look at the time and when did the sunrise? I've done that but with, you know, fucking men.

of like, okay, so when if I, when about, I literally have turned into a wearer, like, like, I, it's just like a full moon. I'm like, oh, I need penis, you know, but instead of waking up, like, coming out of the woods, naked, covered in blood, I'm just like covered in common hands sanitizer, coming out of a guy's apartment in the lowery side, like, what happened? I was straight last night. I feel like it's, I fucking think this is so cool and I hate that word because it's so general, but it's fascinating to me. Yeah. who do you think about when you jerk off well it all depends because you know jerking off was like so shameful in and of itself um because the majority of my family died when I was younger and every adult's response of that was like well they're with you forever now that's they're with you all the time that's

good now they're watching over you yeah and I'm like all right well I'm going to figure out my body to like things I've been told are evil my whole life so up on board dad uh I was raised Catholic and um but i like want i felt such a kinship to like god and jesus and like i wanted to be a priest like i in order to punish me when i was all my parents would take away like my picture bible like i just loved god like i loved god well jesus is kind of hot were you like a little and attractive well i was really well here it is i was into samson i was into samson and delilah i had a cartoon bible and samson was just so hot and then delilah was hot and i was like Well, why not combine the two?

You know. Is this fascinating? So what type of guys are you attracted to versus what type of girls? Black dancers. Both. Both. Oh, guys. Wow.

Yeah, I've only ever been with black guys. Flamboyant dancers or like masculine dancers? Masculine, like muscular dudes. No, I've never, I've never been into like a friend. Yeah. It's always been like, interestingly enough, every like guy. that I've gotten with has some sort of like kind of looks like the first guy I was with

that I think I was like in love with but so it's just always been like me trying to find him yeah yeah and I so like yeah I I don't know are most of them 100% gay or all kinds of all over the spectrum um no they're all gay how do you feel about lesbians they're great

I mean I've you know know turned a woman into one years ago what's what's your type for um girls um man so like you know as we said i'm from delaware and if i can think back to my boner origin story it was very much like uh workout instructional videos because they were next to the wrestling section at the west coast video like a robin so yeah yeah so i would be like i I want to look at the wrestling videos, but then I would just get, like, kid boners to the workout section. So, so it was all, like, hot pink spandex, teased blonde hair. You're so connected to your childhood?

Very much. Yes. Everything goes back to childhood. So, like, anytime I see, like, hot, acrylic pink nails or, like, visionettes, I'm like, woo! Ladies and gentlemen, start your boners! But that's your, like, physical initial. What about, like, a little deeper?

Like, if I see, like, um, A rosary tattooed around your thigh, I will kick my grandmother in the esophagus to just, like, smell your hair. Like, that's my kind of gal, you know. How are you doing with emotional intimacy? This is a therapy session, by the way. Emotional intimacy, you know, I... Because I feel like physically you are ready to go. With anything, yeah.

I seek emotional intimacy, but it also scares me, you know. So I think that's why I've acted out. out sexually so much because when you do that, there's no risk of the emotional intimacy. And I found that, you know, with the bipolar thing, I would act out sexually and it's much easier to get guys. And, you know, I said that whole thing about like jerking off with like shame and everything. Like I used to jerk off and pray at the same time to like ask for forgiveness because I was doing such a sinful act.

I feel like so many people have done that. Well, I mean, it will really fuck you up when you're coming and saying an R5. at the same time. And then all your like aunts and uncle's ghosts are just watching you. Yeah. Yeah. And they're just like, oh, God. Some are cheering. Some are checking off too. And Jimmy Hendricks is in heaven. I was like, that's your boy. And everyone's like, I don't know that kid, you know.

Is his dick okay? I don't know. We'll see. And so, yeah. And I realize it like, it's much easier to get a guy to your place. You can order a guy to your house like seamless, you know? So it's much easier to do that then to go out and get a chick and so I were just like fuck eyes and then that continues the shame spiral going you know but then when I feel like euphoric and manic that's when I want to like feel powerful like you know like I can like get your energy from like like a sexual conquest so I have to like keep that in mind because you know I abuse everything like alcohol and drugs so I have to like keep that in chat it's interesting bipolar how it's in different parts of your life it's not just

like sometimes I'm moody it's almost like your because your sexuality is like this dual energies that you're you have two sides to you and I mean a lot of bipolar is that like extremeness yeah um when did you realize that you were suffering from it I don't know I just thought everyone did I thought everyone was like you know wildly energetic and then they were just like crash for like a week and then like couldn't go outside or like not talk to anyone I was like why is just you know why Bill won't answer the phone he's going through it too you know He's like with his family But you're medicated now?

I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so much better. And I don't know. It's like, you know, I've always kind of been like in a feminine little gay boy. But I feel like I'm like a sensitive alpha. Yeah, it's so funny.

Like I didn't get gay vibes from you at all. I know. Which has been weird because I never, I've never felt like in that community or like, because I don't like, I can't just like go out and like dance. You know, like, forget boys. Yeah, like, I can't, like, that's not like, ugh. I feel like the energy I got from you, I wasn't, like, immediately trying to be like,

ooh, what's his sexuality? Yeah. But I just got, like, a lot of Ian. Like, you just are, you're very unique person. I just got Ian. I don't even know if I'm bisexual. I think I'm just me. Yeah.

I think you're just very horny. Yeah. But I, like, I'm fascinated talking to you because I'm, like, such a fucking vanilla, like, I've only fucked, like, stupid athletes. and, like, had, like, a bunch of, like, monogamous relationship. Look at you. You're, like, uncomfortable just hearing it. No, no, it's my back.

My back. I threw my back out. I'm in such massive pain. I appreciate you. I was, like, vanilla sex, and you were like, oh, God. Yeah, yeah, that's a visceral reaction. Like, oh, missionary, get out of here. Oh, God.

How do you not spit on each other? I don't understand it. I recently, like, was so into this guy who was, he was like this male model whatever and he was like I just want to spit in your mouth I want you to spit it back in my mouth and I want to just like tie you up and shit was this like texting to my face oh in the moment and I'm during sex no we haven't had sex and I'm a very confident flirter I am all talk and the second you're like okay that's fucking the bathroom I'm like oh my god I don't want it I guess like I also didn't rebel at all in sexual ways like I was um I was like playing sports my whole life and at one point my parents were like when I was 18 I had a boyfriend and they were like yeah he can sleep over do like just not just like stop obsessing over tennis so much that's so weird I'm so 18 like I mean who am I to say things are weird you know I'm like 35 I'm obsessed with scah and I wear rings so take what I say with a grain of salt all guys who wear rings are fucking

freaky yeah all I know about life well it's funny when I started wearing like because I wore rings when I was younger and then I stopped yeah and then ever since I wore rings it's like help me become more of myself of like it's okay to do hand movements yeah a little jazz hand didn't hurt everybody be the little gay conductor it's okay but it's so you're not you're not that person though like you're so much more complex than that yeah and not that it's not complex to just be that gay boy but every gay boy every straight boy is their own complexity of so many fucking spectrums i people always say that i have a very masculine energy to me and um knows it your energy or your voice.

I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I'm going to, or is it your chin hair? Is it your five o'clock shadow at noon? So what do you think about me? What do you mean? Are you attracted to me at all? Are you looking at see? He's looking at it.

I was looking at your ass on the way in here. I was like, yeah. It's, I mean, I'm wearing my wide-leggers. So they're not like cup anything. Are those mom jeans? Or those like pipe? These are like man rejection jeans. This is when I'm like, I had a weekend.

I'm just trying to walk around. I don't need any funny business. But yeah, I find myself like I was raised in a very like gender neutral household. Where like my parents would never be like, you look like a princess. You're so pretty. It was very just like wear whatever you want, do whatever you want. You want to play sports to do that. Just like when I finally was like guys I have a boyfriend, they were like, oh, we're so happy for you.

you see there's other things in life yeah yeah yeah but I'm like obsessive about shit yeah like you you'd understand that yeah but I always feel like I think women are beautiful I know that I'm not emotionally attracted to them because I feel like the same kind of like fluttery feeling or excitement I get with like a crush that I have for a guy I've like never felt for a woman but like I'm kind of hating men right now in this you know in this time it's just it's all like in your face there's a you know men are just it's it's there's um there's some men who are just annoying the fuck out of me recently why it's like I think some men aren't handling like women being successful well really I think some men are

not comfortable with their own masculinity and it's made dating kind of annoying for me sometimes how so I feel like some guys like if I'm making more money than them or if I like I'm getting more attention than them it's a specific kind of man that um can be annoying to man's interesting so maybe because you're going for like alpha dogs that are in like male dominated like I have to succeed to prove my value that's what I am and then when you match that energy they don't like that you're fucking smart yeah I've well also society and the rings are doing something I don't know what yet you're adorable right now because you're in so much pain thank you

But it makes your comedy better, I think. The pain, really. Maybe I'll be a pain comic. That's why I'm so unique. I'm one of the only working comics that is willing to be in pain on stage. I, on the train over here, I was like, how am I going to do my spots? And I guess I'm going to have to, like, preface my set with like, look, I'm having back spasms. Forgive me.

And standing and sitting both equally hurt. Wait, you have to go a chiropractor. I don't know what I have to do. Have you ever gone? I took ibuprofen that I got for free. No, have you've forgotten to chiropractor. I have. I think they're jam doctors.

I was going through what you're going through right now, and it's just like something your spine is off. I'm going to give you a guy. Well, you know how sad it is? I think I heard it by bending over to install a printer in my apartment. I thought you were going to have a hot sex story, and I'm disappointed. No, but it is funny because when I was having sex was like the only time it didn't bother me.

I was like, I can compartmentalize that. You know, oh, because, dude, so, you know, I'm on Nicky's show every week, and I was talking on air about how, like, you know, I need a printer, and I would use my old roommates, and you would get annoyed with me, and then I go to, like, the FedEx of my neighborhood and their most incompetent staff I've ever experienced my entire life. Like, straight up, they will have conversations while I'm standing there waiting to be served, and they're like, I don't understand why he gets mad that I'm late. You know I'm going to be late every day, and if you expect it, why are you going to be mad when I am?

Can I help you? As a millennial, I have no fucking clue how FedEx works. So when I go in there, I'm just like, eh? And they just kind of expect you to know that, like, you're supposed to buy tape. If you're working somewhere, why are you going to get mad at me for going to you to do things that your job is made for? You have to turn the computer on for me to use it to print because my roommate won't let me use its printer. So why are you going to get mad at me when you're going to flick a button, Giselle? You're also right because everyone else who has.

day jobs has the printer there yes we don't yes and that's why i never return anything because i can't print the well it's ironic because i i had a job fixing printers in the city are you kidding me no you probably have one here pitney bow's machine that you put your face i've never seen a face like that before you were so confused like what the fuck it's a machine it's a mail meter so you put your letters through it so it stamps a postage on it so you don't have to take it to the post office yeah there's specialized printer A lot of things. It's basically that.

So it was a specific kind of printer that you would service. Yes. Can you do copy machines? No. Okay. No clue. Just those printers. But they're like Time Warner.

It breaks all the time and they're only gig in town so you always have work. Wow. So it was great. Why'd you stop? Because I started making money in comedy so I quit. Hell yeah. But it was a pretty neat job. But I do want to say from what you said before, I think society tells men.

and women that like there's one kind of male and it's the alpha male he's the prince he saves the princess he has the money he's in control he's very muscular he's tall and then like and we just want to fuck him we just want to fuck him both of us but also part of you do you want to be him too well i always felt less than because i wasn't that and um a lot of my friends were very like um even like you know I was always like the sensitive, like, gay boy. Like, I was always called a fag. Not because I, like, was gay. Little did they know what I was doing behind the scenes.

But just because I was, like, sensitive or like, you know, like. Reflective. What about my, you know, I feel or like, have you ever thought about when you say that it hurts someone? Like, you have fagg it. I'm like, well, yeah, but right now I'm just being a person. When did you come out? like publicly what I was 32 yeah and you're 35 now yeah

wow yeah no 31 I came out in um like October of 2016 how'd you do it uh through a massive amount of therapy and then taking friends aside one by one and um then because it got to a point where like it's all because the comedy really because like I want to be as truthful and honest as possible on stage. In order to do that, I have to be as truthful and honest in my personal life.

And I reached this wall with my comedy where I was like, what am I even talking about? Like, if I'm not talking about this, I'm like denying a huge, huge part of my life. And like, you know, so I started talking about it and say, and I used to do this thing where I would like see a therapist and I'd work up the courage to like tell them. And then I'd cancel and never go back because I was like afraid of dealing with it or like what they would say. But you hit that first part where you tell them, but then you didn't want to live in it. Yes, I would never go back, you know. And I, you know, started talking about it. Then I had a mental breakdown because I never thought.

I thought I was going to, I thought I was going to die with that, like, information. Like, I thought I was going to take that to my grave. You made a decision with yourself. Like, you signed a deal with the devil and you're like, I'm not going to address this part of me and we're good. Oh, yeah. I thought I was going to die with that. And then, like, you know, I was in like, um, Like a trans bar during the Pulse nightclub shooting.

And I had this moment of like, you know, if God forbid, you know, because like things would happen on the street or whatever, you know, because I would cruise a lot. So I was like a big time cruiser. What's that? Cruising is when you go and pick up a guy on the street and then go and like hook up in the park or like in a bathroom somewhere. And you can just tell by eye contact if they're down. This is fascinating. Yeah. What is the eye movement?

it's just like um you're walking and you're like and then you walk past each other and then when you look back at each other you just go and talk and you'd find a place to go fuck and so i would cruise all the time and it's also a very mostly at night sometimes you'd wide i'd go to like glory holes during the day um but uh it's a very scary thing because you know you don't know of this person is someone that is going to, you know, beat you up or you don't know if while you're together

you're going to get caught and beat up, you know, like, just in the street and stuff before. Yeah, yeah. So like in the street before, just like, you know, whatever, like, you would get circled by like a group of guys or whatever and, you know, it was like scary. And then like when that pulsing happened, I was like, damn, like that would just be so heartbreaking

for me to get murdered in like a gay bar. and then have everyone in my life be like, what? What was he doing there? Like, and then have me not being control of that. Well, yeah, but also, like, my mom just being like, what? Like, I never knew. Why didn't he feel comfortable enough sharing with me? You know?

And so I was like, man, I got to start to, like, get honest, you know? And then I was, like, clearly, like, I'm going to get found out when I start sobbing when all these gay people were getting murdered. And everyone's like, why do you care so much? I'm just like, I love human life, you know. What an ally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what an ally. Little did they know.

The number one ally. I'm going to Stonewall for a memorial, but also to cruise. And I, yeah, so I just had to kind of get honest about it. And then, like, because I had resigned myself to the fact that for my entire life, known would ever know, go to the grave, the fact that I not only told people about it, but people loved me. Like, I truly thought my whole thing was self, um, uh, preser preservation. Yes, self preservation.

Remember when you were like, you're really smart. My whole thing was like self preservation. So my thing was like, okay, well, um, you know, people are dying around me. I don't ever want to lose anyone again. If I tell someone this, they're going to go away. So just be what they want me to be so that I will not lose them. So I was so afraid of being like, hey, like, you know, this and that. And they'd be like, I don't want to be.

be like your friend anymore like we're your fan we don't want to be because I also had like really homophobic um like aunts and uncles you know yeah you had to have people in your head telling you that oh for sure and uh like I had an uncle that at at the beach we'd like see guys make out and be like

look at that you see isn't it disgusting and I'd be like that's so gross and even grosser what's doing to my body you know it's so like So then when people were like, I love you. Like, you can be whatever you want. I was like, what?

This doesn't align with this thing I built up in my head for decades. And also, you're probably so much more likable when you take this like wall that you've had up to protect yourself. And you're like, there's nothing that makes people more loving and comfortable around you than you being comfortable with yourself. And I found that like. Totally. Totally right.

I agree with your. how comedies helped you where like I'm new to stand up and I'm like doing my first couple jokes and whatever and I've been talking to other standups and they're like yeah it's funny but like when are you gonna talk about your real shit and that's when now I have to reflect do you feel like do you like have to come out to audiences all the time well I mean I have material on it you know and I don't do it all the time but definitely writing material about it helped you know and more so I'd like to get in the meat of it of like what it was like having secrets what that did to me whatever instead just like the surface level fact of like you know I'd cruise around and you know because also too I'm very much not what the LGBT community wants like I'm very much like I always had a hard time on like queer shows because I'm not a part of that I'm not like a sissy yes queen you know so I don't fit in that box of like the gay guy that makes you feel like I don't know that I can be like safe week like the gay best friend yeah yeah yeah like I very much don't come off like that and it can almost come off as like offensive because I like you're rejected their culture yeah but I'm not

it's like at the same time like I'll fucking murder someone if they hurt you you know but I'm also not going to be like you know and even that like calling that kind of affectation or that personality we Like, you know, for better or worse, I feel like a big part of being in that community is being like kind of like catty and whatever and I'm not really that. And like I've like gone to like gay bars and stuff and like I guess, yeah, I just don't fit into the box of what people expect and one. And you felt not accepted by some. Totally, totally. And like I've even had like gay comics after I get off stage being like, wow, give it up for like the only con like give it up for for the guy that gives gay people.

a bad name or like stuff like that and I'm like man and finally I had the balls enough to like go up to after show I was like I was like don't ever fucking say that again I was like you were the reason why I've never felt comfortable in that community write a fucking joke don't use me as as a jumping off point for your act when you can't even come up with a joke on your own it's like don't fucking disrespect me like that again and good for you um yeah and then he like you know start crying and then I had to go on and be like it's a okay, it's all right, you know. You guys, we have Andrew

calling on the podcast, just coming in to say hi. Say something to the little devils, okay? And then I'm hanging up on you. Make a good. I just think Ian's a great guy, and beneath that mustache is a really nice man.

Well, what about on top of the mustache? No, that's a dirty, dirty. Okay. Okay, I'll call you later. Thank you, Bobby. And I love you, Hannah, even though you have bigger arms of me. Anyway, speaking of toxic masculinity.

Yeah, I don't know. It's something I'm trying to figure out, and I think I have missteps, and I fall short a lot. I'm just trying to, like, understand a lot of things. And, you know, but it's interesting to, like, be able to view things from, like, a kind of like undercover point of view in a way I mean how did you even learn about cruising I don't know it's like how to ants know how to build an anthill

it's just like inside of that I feel like there's all this cool underground shit going on that I'm just fucking swiping my Instagram missing I had to secretly figure it out growing up I had to weed out who I could fool around with in my classes so you have this secret language and us girls are just like missing it all yeah i love all the download stories and i don't know part of it makes me happy though that people are like getting what they want you know

it's so funny i can pick up on a vibe from a guy in a heartbeat oh i love that but from a girl you could beat me over the head with your pussy and i'd be like i think she just wants to be friends like i don't know what it is i and and i think that's because i like i do desire women i do secretly want to be with me. It does make me nervous. And I was always the guy that, like, would fall in love with his best friend because I, like, you know, desire that connection. Like, my best case scenario was, like, falling in love with, like, my best friend of like, oh, my God, how did this happen, you know? Yeah. So you do have emotions towards men. Oh, I mean, I had emotions towards a guy, but they were always rejected. And I wonder if that kind of made me just be, like, this is only going

to be sexual with guys for the rest of my life. And then now, I'm just like, you know, it's like trying to learn, like, Spanish when you're 50. It's like, I kind of miss a boat. Do you feel, do you envision yourself in the future being married with kids? I don't know. I can't think past my, like, avails in July, let alone my future, you know what I mean? I'll get so stressed out and, like, ruin my mind. I can't think that's a smart way to think.

Like, I get stressed out when people ask me those questions. Yeah. But you're 35, 35 is a man's prime. I guess, yeah. I mean, I'm just now figuring out who I am, what I want, what I like, what I don't like, what I'll put up with, what I won't put up with, which, you know, kind of bugs me about, you know, young people being so sure of, like, what they are and who they identify as. Because it's like, look, like, as like someone who's been through a ton of it, like, I can assure you, like, things will change.

You know, and that's okay, but to, you know, like, align yourself with a certain, like, belief or feeling or whatever with all the conviction in the world. I respect convictions, but you also have to know that, like, sometimes things change. Like, I, and that's, you know, good to know is that we can change and everything. And I'm just trying to figure it all out. And when you say change, you mean being able to be yourself more? Yeah, or like put your guard down or figure out, like, who you really are as opposed to, like, who you think people want. you to be. I always think like the whole concept of coming out is so weird to me that like imagine if you weren't into dudes but you still had all these sexual deviancies, but you

were expected to say, hey mom, I like to sniff armpits. And you had to tell everyone. It's basically you just have to tell people what you're into in bed. Well, it's weird because you're, when you're like by, it's like everyone's kind of thing is like, yeah, who cares? And you're like, on one hand, you're like, yeah. And then on the other hand, it's like, well, I care. But then on the other hand, it's like, well I care but then on the other hand it's like why is your sexuality anyone's business like why is it anyone's business what I do in bed it's literally what coming out is it's just like hey mom and dad I like to fuck that I mean it does right motions too but for you it's a lot physical yeah but also it I can understand and I do get that it's like not so much

like what I do in bed but more so like who I am as a person and this might and like for my mom like she was like I always always knew something was not off but there was like a sadness inside you that I could never patch up or fix and ever since I've been honest about who I am it is mended our relationship so much and like skyrocketed us to another level even in all my relationships how has it affected your addictions um I found that I don't need anything to escape anymore you know I I think I was using drugs and alcohol to like escape and like put that away and like drink it away or like use anger fighting to like me you know like oh Aaron Hernandez thing I can relate to so much and I have like

jokes about it without a doubt yeah which is totally fine but you know he was it was ingrained in him that that's like not what you are yeah and uh you know I I come from a very loving mother and father but you know unfortunately my dad died when I was younger and I was just raised with My mom, and I was kind of with a lot of different family members. And from them, I got these, like, signals. And it very much plays into, you know, your psyche and everything. And I'm just, you know, he got hit in the head a million times. So he went out and killed other people.

And I'm just fortunate where he and I, I can say, felt the same way about that secrecy and everything. So the only person I wanted to kill is myself. Yeah. No, that makes, that's the most logical thing that you just said. No, the self-hate. Like, he. And then he kicked himself in the back. The Aaron Hernandez thing was, it was also funny because people were like,

you know what, don't smoke marijuana because that's the only drug he was doing and they started killing people. But I think he did more drugs than that. What was your drug of choice? Alcohol. I used that addictively. The way I drank alcohol is the way a heroin addict shot heroin. Just like couldn't stop all the time, do whatever it took to get it.

Would you bomb on stage because you were handicapped? And I started comedy when I was sober I started comedy when I was living in a halfway house In Delaware Are you sober now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I start from everything And then I started drinking and I would bomb

And then like it's that thing I would talk about being sober when I was drunk And like that's nobody wants that People want to know about your shit After you've overcome it Nobody wants to know about it when you're going through it That is interesting You know?

Like nobody, it's just weird for everyone And you can get there Too intimate for them. You can get there. You can master it, but it takes, like, years and decades as, like, a newer comic to just be on stage and be like, yeah, like, my mom beat me and, God, I lost everything this weekend. I'm actually homeless because I got, like, so dry. Everyone's like, what? Let's a Matt get over.

Attend to yourself personally before you throw this on us. Is he okay? Are you going to be okay? Yeah. But at least you're being honest. Yeah, but I mean, what is it worth being honest without humor in the context of comedy? 100%. They're like, we want you to make clown jokes.

We don't want to cry for help. Yeah. You're probably very interesting to date, like, as a woman dating you. How do you think that you're different than, like, the average straight dude that a girl will date? Well, because I think when women start dating average straight guys, they don't demand an AIDS test. When do you see? I think that might be, like, the. number one difference either i tell them or they just do a modicum of research on me

which is like incredibly you know because of every fucking podcast or fucking seeing my act or like reading about me you know yeah so like maybe that makes it do you think it makes it easier i guess but it's also like a weird thing of like someone knowing stuff about you before you of the control of the narrative you know or like having an idea of you or whatever but um You know, I try to be open and honest, but I don't reveal it in like the, I very much don't reveal like a lot about me in the beginning of dating, which is so funny because I am such a like open book in terms of comedy, you know. Do you think that you are more in touch with their feelings than most other men? I mean, I don't want to speak for other guys, but I think I can say yes. I, you know, I

I think I've had to to, in order to survive, if I didn't, I would have put a, you know, I'd have pulled the trigger and I put a gun in my mouth years ago. So many, yeah, yeah, that happens. And that's my thing too of, like, I think guys have to have more conversations

with each other and just not, because I've, you know, like, I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was like, you know, my brother, all, I'm like, what are you and your friends talking about? She's like, he goes, like, sports. It's like, well, Well, have a talk during half time.

You know, like, have, you know, there's so many, like, breaks in the game. Well, you're like, bro, I just, like, feelings check. How are you? Wellness check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wellness check. Yeah. But I also think.

That's fascinating to me. What? No, just you're right. I always would talk to guys, like, you know, when you have a crush on someone, like, let's say, like, I have a crush on a comic, and Andrew Collin is hanging out with him. I'll be like, do you say anything? Like, about me or, like, is he dating anything? he's like no I'm like do you say anything yeah you know we hung out once anything yeah no what'd you

talk about yeah I said his joke was good this is always every dude's conversation yeah where girls the second I see a girl I'm like how are we feeling emotionally who are you seeing who are you dating how is everything how is your diet well I think that's a bit much too I think there is to be a balance there's got to be I know I know I know know I know I know I know I'm not I am not and then we just like believe our own sorrow right right Isn't it hard out here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you tired? I'm tired.

Yeah. And guys are just like, so, yeah. Yeah, so man. But I, but I think like, hey,

I like your shoes, it's like gay. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think like, you know, as much as women are conditioned

to act a certain way, I think men are conditioned to act a certain way as well. And I think that needs to be addressed. And I think that needs to be addressed with, you know, love and compassion the same way we're expected to treat women with love and compassion

in the way that they're social. Yeah, like if you felt like you could check in with your bro and if he said something vulnerable that he's not going to be shot on that he's going to be like, get in here. Yeah, yeah. I think hugging is so important. I think being able to hug your friends is so important because I think so much energy is transferred through a hug. And like, you know, I think we all just want to be hugged, but from a young age we're

taught like men don't hug or like whatever. And it's like to be able to like hug and then when the person, and gets a little uncomfortable once to pull away and you, like, pull them back in. That, I think that can be so much more therapeutic and can lead to empathy and understand. Like, all my sensitive guy friends, are you sure that they just don't run away?

You know, you pull them back in when they try to get away. Well, that's her a whole different type of hug. That's a Samson hug. Yeah. He never wants to get away. Oh, he's so cute. But I think that's important. I think it is happening more and more, you know,

but I think like it's uh I don't know there's there's power and a hug and I think um you know it's uh I think we're all trying to figure it out and those little things can really mean something in person yeah even just a smile in the subway non creepy smile I love that I love a I love a random compliment yeah I love a random compliment like a girl will stop me and be like I love your coat and I would just be like the humanity is going to be okay yeah I feel like even a nice conversation what I try to do when I'm at like a 7-11 or something? Yeah or like

you know a checkout or whatever and I'm like hey what's your name and they're like oh I'm Hannah I'm like hey Hannah I'm Ian have a nice day like I like doing that because I feel like that makes someone go like oh yeah like they could be they're not just someone doing a job and then giving you a whatever and it's

transactional yeah no one's above anyone I think this whole Kobe Bryant thing which we're all kind of shook by is that this like hyper-masculine, powerful, rich, the ultimate alpha male. Right. Life is so fragile, and it could be gone in a second. This is a very aggressive movement you're making. Sorry, I was, I heard alpha and I had to peek up.

He was flexing his muscles. No, I was stretching. And I think that for men to see that, it's like, hug your fucking loved ones. Yeah. Before you die, we're going to end with one final game. Yes. The Seven Deadly Sins.

Oh, boy. seven deadly sins what are you greedy about oh my god um sometimes i'm greedy about people's time some people other people's time yeah why i don't know i feel like i can be needy and i need to be in check about only talking about myself a lot like when i'm talking to a friend it's just like me me me me me and not got to be more you, you, you, you, you. Do you feel like on dates you ask enough questions? I don't really go on dates. I just raise my eyebrows of people.

Such a, yeah, I just, I mean, unless you call like blowing each other in a bush as a date. Yeah, I guess I ask questions like, are you clean? I do think as comics, we're trained to always be reflecting and observing and thinking about ourselves. So it's like you have to consciously. check and you also think you're the most fucking entertaining person ever so you're like how are they not enjoying me on this monologue yeah but i think in my friendships i have to be less needy in terms of um just obsessing about myself that's something i have to work on also you're like opening for davidel right now and you have to kind of like step back with your own stuff

because like you're there as like his opener and like do you find that that's helped you at all like kind of reflect differently with yourself. What do you mean? Just being an opener for this incredible person. It's like you have to kind of be available for them at whenever they need you. Like you don't necessarily put yourself. I don't know because he, me and his relationship has kind of evolved into, you know, just like being really good buddies.

And so it's more so like the opening is like a byproduct of getting to hang out with my friend. That's awesome. Those relationships are important because he spent so much time with him. Yeah. Yeah. And we're also very similar in the sense that, you know, we both chain smoke and drink coffee and stay up.

And then like, but I have to put the kibosh on some hangs because I'm like, I can't be up till six and then be somewhere at eight. And he can because he's like a robot that is just like programmed for jokes and being funny and could do it. And I'm like, I got to recharge my computer. I'm not that great. What is one thing that he's really, like, taught you or inspired you since knowing him? I think, like, listening, which is funny because I was just saying how I talk about myself a lot.

But in terms of, like, in the moment on stage, being present enough to listen because he's so quick and can make anything funny in that moment. And you have to be an incredible listener and thinker at the same time. So to sync up your listening ability with your reactive ability. so but being in it's like tennis at like volley but to just like react so fast you have to be so in tune with the moment yeah they say like if you hit a ball and you're just like focusing on that ball you hit the second you hit you have to be immediately aware of what they're doing and that like differentiates like a great player versus like a beginner yeah um great advice who are you envious of am I am I envious of

envy in terms of in a negative way of like oh yeah because this is seven deadly sins it could be either though like sometimes it's really just like I they're inspirational like I want to do what they do but you have sometimes there's a little jealousy that's just a note of like oh I want that and that's a note to myself

I don't know I think I'm I think I'm envious of one of my oldest and dearest friends Corey because she's such a little weirdo but like such a compassionate

like loving kind person that's always like she works part time at like a cat shelter she just got married to you know her long term you know a boyfriend of like nine years and yet she always seems to like be able to be there for

me and for other people and You know, she, uh, she's an incredibly kind soul. And I'm, I'm envious of that compassion and kindness all around the clock. I love that too because, yeah, people can be great, but like how many beautiful relationships have you had? And how many people enhance your life and how they care about you, not just, like, idolize you. Yes. Well, I think it's, for, for me and what I'd like to do is, um, kind of touch as many things as I can. I'm here, but not just touch it, but leave a good fingerprint on whatever I touch.

And some of them maybe ended in orgasm. What are you gluttonous? I just want to make the world come. And that answers that question. So are you addicted to sex? Without a doubt, yes. Yeah. And it can be a detriment to my well-being.

And this is like not masturbating. Like you want to fuck individual. Yes. not massive because sometimes I'll talk to Fransby. How much you jerk off a week? Dude, I'm like five times a day and I'm like I'm like, I need a nap. I can't do five. That's how old

I am. I'm, I'm, I'm, sleeps right after he comes years old. Yeah, without a doubt. Do you find other people who are like addicts too and then you guys just kind of like feed into each other's stuff? Yeah, and that's not good. But it's very much a thing of self-sabotage Because if I'm constantly worried about fucking

And trying to get a nut off And like getting this person's life force from having sex Then that gets in the way of like Working on this script You know, we're like Oh fuck I have to come up with these jokes This is very hard. Why don't I sexed this person

And then try to have them come over and fuck me Instead of like doing work Do you feel very wanted and loved when you're fucking? Yeah. Because I want to make the other person come that's like my whole thing to I don't like I I enjoy coming but my whole thing is like I want to make you come I want to make you come as many times as possible and I want to make you feel good. Yeah. So that in a way you'll always come back to me. Wow. Yeah. What a great pun. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath. So anger. I used to be incredibly angry and um. I would like fight a lot

Which is the ultimate masculine thing to do Yeah because I thought that's what being a man was Like I would get drunk and fight people Because I thought that that's what a guy does That's what a man does That's what a straight man does And I'm gonna be the straightest fucking manliest manlyest man You ever like watch a basketball game

And they start fighting you're just like I don't watch sports Yeah But it's just so hyper masculine You're like who Kobe Bryant? Cumble Yeah, I used to like smack drinks out of people's hands

I try to have them fight very real housewives It was like crazy I like And it was mostly just to feel like a dude Yeah because I thought that's and I was like a carpenter And I was like this is what a guy does you know I was just like searching so much for like what I was Yeah every everything I did had a dick in it Just fell like

I would, like, sheetrock a house put behind it, I'd draw, like, intricate penises. That's also very straight, too, though. Guys love drying dicks. It's, like, the ultimate. Oh, I got, like, really mad the other week at, like, a booker that was, like,

kind of a dick to me, and I just wanted to, like, burn it down, you know? Did you burn it? No, thankfully, I... Because the comedy community is so much relationship-oriented. Yeah, but it's, like, the... What is that quote?

right thing doesn't always feel right or like in the moment it takes it's hard to do the right thing but it's always right to do the hard thing oh is that what it is it's easy to do the wrong thing and hard to do the right thing I'm making up stuff I don't know me too all I'm thinking about is like I should have paid more attention at Scholastic book fair those posters you know wasn't the best those schools were those shit I know just run around buy shit um when was the last time you were a sloth like do you get lazy uh yeah totally um but i have to give my self permission to be lazy because i'm very like constantly running around constantly like doing a bunch of stuff and and because of my like mania and everything i'm going going going and

then i like need to get myself permission and like okay take today and like sleep and don't feel guilty for it or sometimes i feel like you get depression because your body's like stop we're exhausted like you need to rest yeah um and i think that it's like a part of self-hate to like not give yourself that self-love yeah yeah to get mad at yourself for your your computer and your brain literally trying to recharge and it's like you're with your mania you probably got so much shit done that you should be like so proud of yourself for yeah and you're not you know but it's like when your phone runs out of battery and it's trying to charge you're like come on come on what the fuck yeah that's what i do to myself when i need to catch up on sleep

because I've only gotten three hours in the past, three hours a night for the past five days. And then I'm like, my body's like, I have to recharge. I'm like, what the fuck? Hurry up. Especially when you're fucking all the time. Like, I fuck like one night and I'm like, my sleep's off for like three days. I know, I know.

I got to cool it. I got to cool it. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? So like your ego? Um, like missing an opportunity because I was too prideful to reach out. Or, like, you know, too prideful to go like, hey, I fucked up. Yeah, like, I've had a couple, like, working relationships dissolve because I've been too prideful to be like, hey, I was wrong.

And then that's something I'm proud of that I've kind of gotten. I've, of course, corrected that, but it can still be an issue every once in a while, you know? Also, I, a little back to these guys, so many guys don't want to go to therapy. oh my god well i i had to be in i've been in therapy off and on since i was eight so like is that where your dad passed i yeah so i had like a very

love hate relationship word but like it got to the point where like things were so bad that i just had to go and thankfully i've been in therapy every week since 2015 and it like totally saved my life but i think i think you found a good therapist too that works for you totally but it's like birth control you get to go to a million and they got to

destroy you before you find the right one that works you're right but i also think a lot of people's lives are very surface and good and so therapy is a thing of like i don't need to fix anything why do i have to whatever things are good i have x y and z and uh it's really tough to look in the mirror and go i could be better yeah you know and then to do that work is like really tough it's hard work really tough it's that's why a lot people i think don't want to go to therapy too because signing up is, it's hard, but what's harder is such a process, too. It's such a process of like, how to go to your intake and then like, yeah, and it's not immediate. So like, because you're not getting immediate results, why would I keep doing something?

But it's like, well, Meathead, you go to the gym all the time and that sucked. Go to the gym for your soul. Hell yeah. Final question. What was the last time you lusted over someone? Oh, my God. Currently. I'm in such lust

You're seeing someone? I mean I guess You could You know But it's like very much like lust And like I get off on that You know

But then I do this like You love lust Yeah but I also love love Like I want love And I want to give love But I don't know if I'm capable of it right now But in the moment during sex Nothing makes me calm harder

Than saying like I love you I like role play with I love you It's very That's something you have to unpack with your therapist Yeah you're telling me That's amazing And do people Do you warn them or you just do it

Well it reaches to a point where it's like We have no other option but to say this Because it's so like crazy intense Yeah you know And then like You say it and it's like Okay well I said it in that minute In that moment but like now I don't mean it

And then it's like, do I mean, do it? What is love? Are we in love? It's like, what's your name? Oh, God. I've had boyfriends accidentally say it. And that's fucked up in your head because you're like. In the moment, during sex?

No, not during sex. In like a, oh, goodbye, love you. And then you're like, was that like a mom thing? See, I can't really, I have a hard time initiating it outside of sex. But during sex, it's like, I fucking love you. You know? and then like outside of sex it's like oh why are you texting me like i told one girl to denny's after like dating for one she goes it took you the song i already knew and i was like okay well

that took a lot for me to do thanks carlie i guess i'll just have to drink so you dump me mission accomplished oh i fucking love denny's um also i have one more question we have two more questions you're doing it you used to have a big fro what happened why Why'd you cut your hair? You'll never realize how people truly feel about you until you get a haircut. Because I will think I look so good. And then I'll get a haircut and be able to be like, oh, thank God. You look great.

I'm like, what about before? I was just lying. I don't think it was good or bad. It was just like a, it was a look. I mean, yeah, it was a look of physical depression. You know, I, like, would wear my depression outwardly. And I was like the last one to know it. I was the last one to know I was weird

I was the last one to know I was an alcoholic everyone was having secret meetings behind my back about how to help me and like how to fix me in my head I'm like I'm fun and then I was the last one to know I was a fucking uggo and I fell off the ugly tree and it every branch on the way down you know you're hot

yeah thank you I like the mustache thank you don't raise your eyebrows no sorry I'm sorry cruising to wrap this up I like to end every interview with the question, what advice would you give to people on how to cope with your hell? Wow. To cope with hell.

Yeah. Well, someone who truly has had the gates of hell pull me in and let me out, I would say the best way to cope with going through your hell and getting out is to be open and honest and share how you feel unabashedly. scream yell but allow yourself to always go back to um the thing that is uh helping you get out of it which is just you have to talk about it and not to everyone to like a therapy therapy but also the kindness and love for yourself to forgive yourself for how you're feeling hell yeah in finance you're so incredible where can people follow you you can follow me on instagram at ianimal uh like

iPhone but with animal yes speaking of his content is so hysterical his cat is so so so cute the samson have his own page no he doesn't yeah i don't just my page we share but you know how i do that like my little boy on the bayou you know and don't taste a gate in that i just bought him little toy alligators and a straw hat so things are getting real serious He does comedy all over New York City Check out his tour dates He's torn around Yes I have a bunch of headline dates coming up

Hell yeah Excite about so Yeah And hopefully my back will be better Or else You know what He struggled through it Because he's in hell

Uh huh I'll talk to you guys later And thank you for coming to hell Bye Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha