Berner Phone - Ian Lara: Horrible Hookups & Growing Shame

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

Hilarious comedian Ian Lara just dropped his debut Comedy Central half hour called “Growing Shame” and opens up about it in hell. He tells some of the wildest hookup stories we’ve ever heard, talks about grief, confidence, and how he deals with anxiety. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I get up and I go to her room and when she, when we get to the door, she's like, okay, my cat died. I'm like, what? She's like, my cat is dead. I'm like, is this a euphemism for your vagina or your cat is dead? She's like, my cat is dead. And I look and there's a dead cat laying on the floor. Welcome to burning heaven. what's up guys another episode of burning in hell i'm your host hannah burner and we have a hot one today

i'm talking to a new person about their demons and this guy he's a hot boy right now in comedy i'm laura let's go hey little devils yeah you know like in the airport when you see one person your age and you're like yeah i'd be feeling like sometimes i'll happen and i'll see the girl and we'll make contact and I'm like oh shit look away don't be a fucking pervert you'll get canceled and lose your entire career you ever looked and it was like a second too long and you're like should we fuck yeah like are we about to fuck yeah or you like want them to sit next to you and then they do and they start talking like no I hate this person the next three hours you're fucked well men will do that women generally won't come sitting next to you they're just like try to make a situation happen

that's what I'll avoid you yeah that's how they go that's what I heard that's what I heard wait I love how we're starting wait wait what'd you hear that like a woman don't make a i forgot like a situation happen where the guy has to like approach or the guy has to talk to i'll play this game where like i'll talk to the ugly friends to so he notices me and make him comfortable that if he wants to say something yeah i'm hitting it off with your friends like i'll walk by what if it's just you in the airport like it's just you traveling and he's traveling there's no honestly if he's hot enough i'll say something you would yeah i'm a little but you have that comedian entertainer confidence yeah yeah or like i'll make

fun of something and if it doesn't hit then I'm like okay and if it does then he's in love with me has it not hit like guys just stay serious well some guys like they can't process that like a girl approached them and like made fun of them kind of in like a nice way like I'm not being a dick but like sometimes they can't process that it's happening and they kind of freeze and then later on they'll like try to talk back to you yeah I've had it like especially now because you got to travel with face mask where like the girl will say something and then I didn't hear it yeah and then you have to repeat it like three times and like the moment is done like they don't want to talk to you after that.

Like what? I have here like my I can't hear from my left ear. Could you say that again? It's me trying to get a sandwich at subway. I'm like never mind. I give up. Yeah, I'll just starve. I do. I'm not trying to call you out but me. Me? You. Oh. You. Okay. I understand. Is this what this? Is this why you brought me here?

I can remember that one night. No. But this motherfucker is. You have no idea what I'm about to say. I see you walking through the bar And when it gets like later And people are crowd at the bar You always have about five girls Following you around

Like the other night This motherfucker had three girls Just like following him Like obsessed with him Yeah I turned to one of the comics And I was like Girls fuck with Ian Lauren They were like

Dude Ian like they love some Ian They love Ian So what are you up to? What are you doing? I don't know White women White women love me like the white women more than anything i think i think i don't think it's white women more than anything i think

white women just have the most confidence like in the as far as like like like if a black girl is into me or a spanish girl they just won't say anything and a white woman would come straight up to me like hey what's up and i'm like what do you mean they think you're adorable yeah i think i'm safe like i'm like this guy's not going to hurt me but like the drunk fratty white dudes you're like they would roofing me but this guy looks good. Yeah, yeah. Like, they'll just talk to me. Like, I've dated attractive.

And I'll still date you if you're attractive, but I won't like it. I don't like it. Yeah. It gets empty. You know, it gets empty. Like, if there's no, like, connection there, like, it gets empty. So you're just like, I'm sorry, I turned again. Oh, you're good now.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny. I was talking to guy last night who was like, I tried to convince myself, like, when I was drunk having sex that I liked this girl. But the next day, I saw her sober with a beanie. And I was like, no, thank you. I can't do it.

But it's like if you're going to be affected by those little things physically, it's like they're not it. But I feel like you've had your fun. Not to compare you to my fiancee does, but like he's fucking tired. Like I met him in his life when he was exhausted. Like he's had, he's seen so many tities that he was just like. Yeah, I'm not exhausted yet. I'm still in it. But, but yeah.

But I also like eye fire and this is going to sound sometimes this comes off weird, but like I actually like enjoy women as people. It's like a lot of men don't Like a lot of men just want them as like sex Which is fine I want that too But I also like enjoy like a cool conversation This podcast loves men that treat women as humans We love that shit

Well I didn't say that but No I'm kidding No yeah I just like I enjoy having like a conversation To hear like a woman's perspective on shit Well what I like about Ian Now this is just like a bumble profile for you What I like about Ian But you're like not creepy at all

I try not to me You know those dudes who, like, you're like, oh, they're only talking to me because, like, they're thinking about, like, they were staring at my shirt or something. Yeah. Like, you, you're in your own world and you, like, don't, you talk to people for people, I do feel like. Yeah, I'm really, I'm really kinder in my own world. Not, like, in an airhead way, but, like, a lot of times people come up to me and they're like, are you okay? Are you lost? And I'm like, I'm good.

I just have a general confused demeanor. Like, that's just, that's just my aura. Like, I'll just walk, like, I'll just walk through, like, just confused. Like, I'm a confused look. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, I try not to be like, listen, I've, like, most dudes I've tried to, like, learn and, like, I've, you know, you do shit in the past where you're like, oh, that's, that was creepy. But you ain't know that was creepy back then. So you try to, like, be cool.

I try, I have, like, three sisters and shit. So I try to like. Well, I was about to ask, what is, like, the women growing up in your life like? Yeah, it was like a lot of women. I have three sisters. I have, like, five aunts on each side. And then I had my mom and stuff. So it was like, it was like a lot of women.

So I kind of look at it from their perspective. and also like I don't want it to be weird for anybody like you could creepy guys is like I don't know I feel like they don't have like a like they don't have somebody in their head being like oh that's creepy yeah they're just like free yeah they're not there's a free and thin to it that though but yeah that you don't give a fuck but like socially like you can't long term exist like that yeah I think I pick up on social cues too much like I'm hyper aware of like well that's probably what makes you a good comic because you're observational yeah maybe maybe but sometimes it could get awkward because sometimes like we'll have having a thing and I'm like do you want me to leave I'll leave all right you're like yawn and I'm like I'll kill myself if you need me to I don't it's fine she's like no I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and you're like I know my story was long winded right like this doesn't have to happen I apologize like one time one time I was talking to this girl um like at the stand like after the show and she like put in an ear pod and I like I was like I'm sorry I'm leaving I'm sorry we're sorry we never have to speak again.

I apologize for everything I've said tonight. That's crazy because I do the same shit. You know some hangs are so good and you feel so free and you could say anything. Yeah. And then some hangs you leave being like they're all talking about how I could have said that. Yes. They all think I was so fucking weird. And then you're so glad you feel that because I feel that too.

And people don't because I have like a general like people think I'm just like cool. I think people leave conversations with you being like, oh, he hates me. I think that about people about me. I'll leave conversations. and I'm like, should I text them and apologize and nothing happened? Like, nothing happened in the conversations. That was my realization that I realized

like when you feel awkward, it takes two to tango because I once called Dez and I was like, I think this comic like hates me and he goes, no, no, no, they're super socially awkward and they're like that all the time and then like the next week they like message me like, I had so much fun with you

and I was like, I thought that you were starting a campaign about why people shouldn't be friends with me because I was that awkward in that conversation with you. It's so, we're so in our heads. I, I, I, I, there was. was a time where I thought that was just me and then I was like, do you ever leave conversations and think people want you dead? And people were like, yeah, all the time. And I was like,

oh, thank God. Me too. I thought it was just a me thing. But also I feel like comics, we're so socially aware that, and we hit on anything that's slightly awkward. So we're taking it all in. And some of us are smooth as fuck on stage, but some of us offstage do not know how to like talk to people. Yeah. I think, I think I like, I know those guys, those guys, because they could It gets extreme. Some people where it's like, are you, are you okay? I asked you if you wanted something to drink and you didn't know how to, you didn't know how to reply to me. So I don't know if you're okay.

I think I have like a, like I could, I have a certain charisma. Like I could turn it on. I could pretend, but I'm pretending. Like, I'm pretty like, people would be like, oh, you're so charismatic. I'm like, I'm pretending. I'm uncomfortable with everything that's happening right here. This is all an act. I just know how to fake it.

But you're an actor so you can pull that shit off. Yeah. Weren't you starring in that commercial recently? Starring. We're using that term very loosely But yeah, I've been in some commercials and stuff But that's the thing Like I'll go into meetings and they're like in

And I'll just walk in and I'm like Oh my God, that was brutal Like I had to just completely pretend that I liked everyone In that room that I wasn't uncomfortable Like I didn't want to be home But I do feel like uncomfortable situations stem from like you being really aware of their energy And if they're uncomfortable it feeds on to you

So my only advice to people is like Try to be as comfortable in your skin as you can in spite of the awkward energy your feelings, because that's what they're taking in. For sure. And learn how to embrace it. Embracing it is like part of it. It's like if you're bombing on stage, when you call out the bomb,

you actually get a bigger laugh than like the joke you were trying. Yes, yes. So it's like, don't be afraid to bomb in conversations because it's actually super relatable. I'll bomb and pretend nothing is happening. And I've had it where like it'll be going bad and then people will be like,

is it going good? Because he hasn't given in at all. He hasn't got a laugh in six minutes. That's the reaction I wanted. He's pretending like this is how it's supposed to go. Are we wrong? I'll try to do it like that. But I've learned like to call out.

I mean, I guess it comes with maturity. Like that's why I always think is weird. Like I understand as an older person now why women won't date young men. Like I feel like anybody who dated me when I was 21 was like, I can't believe you dated that guy. That guy was just like so insecure and not comfortable. But now like I'll just be secure with the awkwardness. Like I remember one time I walked into this meeting and it was like this big table.

I forgot where it was like comedy center or something and it was like this huge table and it was like all the executives on the end and I didn't know where to sit like on the table because it was like so many seats

I didn't know where to sit so I just stood in the corner I just stood in the corner like a feral cat and they were like what are you doing why are you standing there and I was like I don't know where to sit

and you guys were in here before me and I'm trying to like I don't know what's a power move so I'm just standing here in the corner I'm just not going to make a decision right and they thought that was so funny. And you're like, and I'm going to leave now. Thank you for your time. I'll be here next

week. Right, right. And obviously I was trying, like I was being funny, but I was also like just embracing a awkward situation. And they thought that was so funny. Well, we never deal with corporate America. I dealt with that recently too where like everyone was sitting and no one was like taking the lead on answering a question because everyone's and I was like, this is corporate America has so many rules and I'm going to just shut the fuck up. Yeah. Because I know me and my friends would be like, let's figure this out right now. Yeah. You guys are like emailing and like fucking playing brick breaker or whatever you think. I double down.

Like, I find it, like, cool is, like, really, like, cool kind of comes from within. Like, if you believe you're cool, you can convince people that you are, even if you're not. Oh, for sure. Well, yeah, cool is a social construct. Yeah.

Like, it's, if you're going by trends, like, what is that? It's you being comfortable. Also, sometimes I'll be comfortable with people, and then you know when you, like, start to go too far, like, you're little too comfortable. Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally.

Like, you're killing, and then you're just, like, go and you make a rape joke, and they're like, what the fuck? And you're like, actually, forget. Forget that. Forget that. I didn't need that. Or you'll go off. You'll be hanging with someone and like you're not doing well. And then you like go to another table and then you start killing and you're like, okay, it's not fucking me. But also we're at work. So you forget like I'll see a comic and like they're just like not feeling it. And then I remember like they probably just went on stage and they tried a new bit and it didn't work and they're thinking about it. Like we're also all trying to do something that night. And our egos are quite fragile. Yes. I think like people who don't know me, I read kind of like like like I read. I read. like put together and serious. Like I have like, people think I have a serious demeanor. And sometimes like when we're hanging out, I'm like very silly. Like, I'm like a comedian. Like I'll just make silly jokes. And a lot of times when I hang out with people for the first time, they're like,

oh, I didn't know that you were like, I thought you were like serious because like I kind of like walk around with, I smile a lot, but like I kind of always look like I'm working, but I like to hang out with comedians. Sometimes I hang out with comedians. I'm like, who like, who told y'all y'all should do comedy? Because in this hang, not, like you haven't said one joke. Nothing about your perspective has been funny And I don't understand But sometimes they'll get on stage And still be funny

But like I still think that like I was a class clowning Were you like class clown? Yeah, I mean since day one Like you'll see like a family video And I just chucked myself in front Like making the stupidest face And I'm like that's what she's meant to do Yeah

She knew from a young age Yeah Like that's who I was like in high school Like I would I feel like I would have been friends With like somebody like you in high school Where like were you very popular So I was a tennis player So I was like friends with everyone

Because on the weekends I wasn't with a group Like I was playing So I would like show up to school And it'd be like friends with everyone and goofy But I wasn't like rich enough or like druggy enough To be with like or had enough boobs To be like in the really popular click But they'd hang with me

But I wasn't I also I don't think you could be a comic It could actually be the most popular Because that means you like I don't know I was relatively popular Like people knew me for being like because for like being class clownish

but like I would be friends with somebody who wasn't popular at all and like popular people wouldn't get it and I would be like no like this person's funny like you have to talk to them popular girls were so fucking my school were boring like I'd sit there and they'd just be like me me me and then the kind of like weirder kids would be

hilarious and those are the people I gravitated with because you had to you couldn't be as silly with like the cool people right right by senior year though like I had already like I mastered like class clown like I would walk in into a classroom and it would be like a show. Where'd you go to high school?

In Queens, Christ the King. Oh, yeah. But I also feel growing up in New York, like, I had some very, very, very funny friends. Yeah. I wasn't the one that, like, they all were funny and they all would shit on you. And I feel like a lot of, we, it's, I feel like a lot of my friends could have been comics. Yes. It takes a lot more, though.

If they weren't stupid. Yeah, it takes a lot more. Like, I have friends who are like really funny, like socially, but it takes, I mean, being a comedian, you gotta really work like that working part about it and also sometimes you put a camera in front of someone and they're oh yeah oh yeah that's another thing yeah some people you put a camera on them and they just shut they don't have nothing to say they're not funny even like some famous people like sometimes you you they'll get their chance for like a big interview and like they'll just be like yeah and I'm like what well that's what like I think you got to bring it like this is it

spectacular about athletes like they are ice like they're so good under pressure and then obviously they don't want to say stupid shit because of PR but like you put them in front of the camera and I'm like oh that's why they're so good at that sport because that's what they are like they're not on the plate thinking about like how the hair is funny on the um or like they're not they're so fucking focused right right yeah like we are more like always observing and always in our head which is stressful but also makes us good at our job yes yes and I guess like personality and charisma I guess that's a art that's like a art right that just not everyone has it yeah and I guess it's hard to fake it like if you don't have it but I think like it goes back to like just

being cool I think being normal gets like confused as cool sometimes you're so right you're not a pervert you're cool and I'm like nah I just I'm just not well it's funny because my perspective on I'm trying to think like what I thought when I first met you I feel like you don't try too hard no so like some people will be like trying with you and I mean like okay they really like me and like okay we're good we're like you're the kind of person like you're not going to force a conversation you're not going to suck up to anyone no and I also shit on the person who's trying to do that. I'll openly do that.

Like, I'll be like, you're not cool. Like, you think you're cool. You're not cool. And I guess, like, but people gravitate to your energy because you're calmer. Maybe, yeah. Sometimes, like, I've had this happen. Like, sometimes I'll get to, like, the comedy table,

and there'll be, like, a random comic there who's, like, a dude, and it'll just be all girls. And the dude is kind of, like, trying to enforce, like, his man energy. on them and like the girls are just kind of playing it cool because like they don't want to go back and forth so he's kind of like just saying shit and kind of controlling the conversation and I'll just be like you're wrong and you're an idiot and like and the girls would be like yes like finally somebody somebody that actually happened one time with us I don't know if you remember that yes yes I do actually remember because no there's so many times sometimes I'll be in a conversation where as like the only girl at the table I'll feel like I can't chime in for some reason like they're in there in the they're like man explaining each other mode. But then I'll be with a bunch of dudes

where I feel like I'm so welcome to pop in because they just want humor. Like they're not talking about like, oh, this is just some like man shit. Right, right. And sometimes man would be talking about women's shit. And the women don't care have an opinion. No, you know it when it's going to be fucked up

when it starts with, isn't it crazy when women? And you're just like, ah! Or when they use the word female and you're like, ah! Apparently that's offensive. I didn't know that. It's not offensive, but I guess they, it's like being like, females do this like it's very like you just feel like they're not treating you like like

yeah i i never meant it like from like a weird way but i had a girl be like why do you keep colon women female it's definitely not like problematic but like what do you think it's the context of it yeah yeah but oh my god it is funny though when like some dude is just like saying some shit and some guys like you're not impressing like what do you yeah yeah Yeah, like dudes, like, and they'll say, like, they'll say crazy things, like, speaking about sex. They'll just be talking about, like, how good they are at sex. And I'm like, you're not, like, you're not. Wait, can I say.

Women are lying. They're lying. Women lie about how good you are to not make it awkward. It's like a thing. I, okay, I remember this conversation. I have to say it. I think we like we had a couple, but there was one where I'm sitting with this guy and he's talking to me. He's like, guys don't actually like the taste of pussy.

Oh, yeah. I remember that one. I was like sitting there. And I just got there. And I was like, what the fuck? First of all, you're 21 years old. What are you talking about? You don't know women.

You don't know anything. I basically was like, I don't feel like giving this guy like a full explanation of why what he's saying isn't true. But I was like, okay. And he's like, yeah, we don't actually like it all this shit. And then you came out of nowhere. And you were like, poor guy was just trying to have a nice night prepare for his set. And I was like, Ian, can you handle this? I can't deal with this right now.

And you were like, bro, grow the fuck on. Because that's not like, that's like a real big blanket statement. It's not true. I'm sure some guys don't, but many guys do. I have friends that will literally come over to your house, like a service, go down on you and then just leave. Like Uber eats, if you will. Five stars.

It's making girls also that makes you feel insecure being like, wait, has every guy not enjoyed me? Yeah. And then am I sitting here just like being selfish, like forcing him to eat something he doesn't like? Right, right. Which is, but it's also not true. And how am I supposed to orgasm when I feel like I'm eating,

eating him veggies and he doesn't. Right, right. I love veggies. That's the one thing I had to learn. Like, you have to make a woman feel like super secure, like super secure. Like super, well, even a blowjob, like, yeah. Early on I heard like, you need to make him feel like his dick is the greatest thing that you've ever put in your mouth. Well, sometimes they oversell it. And I'm like, who are we doing this for? This is not, you're not auditioning here. This is like, this is a lot. I don't need this. My ego's not that fragile. And then you start running out shit to describe it. You're like, it's so, fuck, what's saying? Yeah, yeah. You run out of ad. It's just. majestic it's like you're like majestic powerful not even circumcised what you're talking about majestic it looks like a turkey goggle by the way I am circumcised I got circumcised at 15

which many people think is weird why I didn't like how it looked I'm gonna be honest I wasn't comfortable with how it looked and I was like not sexually active at that point and I Were you like did you not like it because you compared to other people? Yes I was because I saw porn and then I was like on

the basketball team in high school and like we got forced to shower together not forced like the coaches like shower with us but like that was what you had to do after practice and then like seeing like some guys were so other guys weren't and like I was like oh I want to look like that yeah and I did and I got a fresh cut yeah yeah yeah I was like I remember telling my parents they're like why why do you want to do that I was like I don't like how it looks well it's funny because I was recently talking to does about it because does uncircumcised yeah and we talk about how it's kind of fucked up to like just cut a kid's dick like if he doesn't want it maybe he wants it though he I guarantee you that kid wants it's more sensitive there's more like

nerves well I wouldn't know I wasn't I wasn't active before I got it but I got so much more confidence like after I got it like after that I was just like pulling it out whoever wanted to see it yeah wait so okay you have your comedy central special out yes growing growing shame yeah it's streaming for free on youtube fuck you guys have to watch it please yeah and i i love how'd you come up with the title people keep people ask me that it's so funny because i got a call from comedy central at like 1130 a email at like 1130 a m they were like uh you need to name your special and it we need to know about like 12 and i was like i haven't thought about this at all and then i emailed i messaged my manager i was like what i don't have a name i had one

name but they couldn't do that name and I was like I don't have a name and then he sent me a bunch of names I was like I hate all of these and then I was like I was like what's it about what is about and I'm like it's kind of about me like beat turning 30 and getting older like growing pains and I was like what about growing shame I emailed them and they were like this is genius is obviously a well thought out idea you've been manifested for years right right and I was like all right let's go with that so I was like all right growing shame it's funny I feel like those ideas either come to you or don't like I can't think of it. But the name of a special can like really sell it. It can. Yeah. And it's like super important. It is. Yeah. I thought it is. And I thought like growing shame like that invites

questions. Oh yeah. I was I was like, oh, I can't wait to like tear this apart. Is shame an emotion that you feel? Shame is an emotion that is important that other people don't feel and that bothers me. It bothers me that other people have. And I know you're not supposed to shame for anything really, but I'm, I'm pro shame. Okay, okay, it's a pro shame pod. Yeah, I'm pro being like, hey, that's weird. And you're calling, yeah, you know, I realize that's a lot of my humor too, but I think that's New York.

It's like someone walks in the room and you're like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, like I had somebody tell me, like, I was making fun of somebody. I was making fun of like one of my friends could be like something that he said he was into. I forgot what it was. And then, like, my friend was like, oh, yeah, you're not supposed to kinkshame. And I'm like, why not? Why are you not alone? Why are you not supposed to kingshame?

Like, I don't think, less of you. I'm just saying. But also that's how New Yorkers show affection and that's how you learn because people tell you to shut the fuck up and that's how you learn. Yes. And how you become it's very important. It's very important. Tell people to shut the fuck up when you. That's why pretty privilege is a problem. Like you ever see these like very beautiful people, guys and girls who have never been told to shut the fuck up or called out by people or their friends are told when things are weird? And that's that's an unfortunate situation we have. Yes. I'm more of a fan of a pretty girl who doesn't know she's pretty.

Yeah, you got to, yeah. That's a thing. I didn't know that was the same thing with girls. You like a guy who doesn't know he's hot. That's what we say. Yeah. Or wasn't hot for a long time, so we had to establish a personality. But sometimes they don't know, like, I've seen that guy,

but sometimes it's like they don't know. It's like a poor person who comes into a lot of money. Like, they're just buying a Lamborghini and, like, they don't know how to behave. They don't know how to behave now that women are into them. You're like, you got to invest. Yeah, you got to invest in it. You can't just blow your money all on this. That's so funny.

Yeah. And then sometimes I've also noticed, like, they'll have a resentment towards women where I'm like, why are you so angry at the women? Because they used to reject them. They used to reject them. And I had to piece that together. Like, you have, like, this constant anger. And I'm for, like, if somebody does something to you, you could be mad at them.

But, like, this blanket just angry at. Yeah, I feel like sometimes dudes, they'll be like, oh, I can't get, like, I have intimacy issues. Like, I'm just like, fucking bitches, whatever. And then you get into it. You read my profile. But then you find out, like, some girl named Stacy when she was 15, like, told him he was ugly. Yeah. And now he just has to, like, break every girl's heart for 20 years.

Yeah, yeah, that's definitely, that's definitely a thing. Yeah. I wonder, sometimes I wonder, like, would women that I've dated, would they say I'm a heartbreaker? I don't think they would say that because I feel like I have good relationships with, like, every woman that I've dated. Like, I have, like, a positive relationship for them. But sometimes your perspective be way off about what people think. Like, you might ask them, and they'll be like, Like, yeah, he's the worst person ever.

Well, it's funny how you could be so close with someone during your relationship. Like, they're your person. And then once you break up, it's like they become your arch nemesis sometimes. Yes, yes. I try not to do that. I try, like, to keep like a cordial relationship. I had like, I was speaking to like these girls, these comedians, and they were telling me how bad of a person I am because I do nice deeds for women who I have like not a real desire of being with.

They're like, you're leading them on. And I'm like, I'm just being like a nice person. But for example, I was a, I dated this girl who like asked me to like take her, she had to go to the dentist for like something and they were going to put on the anesthesia. She was like, oh, I have to go to the dentist and I don't have anybody to take me to the dentist on like Monday morning. And I was like, oh, I'll take you. And she was like, what? And I was like, if you need a ride to the dentist, I'm free Monday morning. I'll pick you up and I'll take you to the dentist.

And I picked her up and I took it to the dentist. Because they're saying that's wafew moves. Yeah. And they were like, don't do that for people. And I'm like, but I'm free. And she needs a ride to the dentist. You're like she's going to be high out of her mind I'm not going to leave her out to drive

Right right and they were like But do you want to like marry this girl And I'm like no I just want to give her a ride To the dentist Because you need somebody So I took it to the dentist And they were like you can't do shit like But then she's in therapy being like

He rode me to the dentist And then he takes me back When I wound up sex When he went to the dentist Right right Right should I not be doing that? No I think it's just over Being over communicative

Where it's like being very clear I'm not clear And we got to Yeah I'm not clear at all Well, that's, I think, as you get older, you start realizing, like, wait, you could just tell someone your feelings. But the question is, why aren't you clear? People like to sell clear. Like, it's a, like, it's like, just be, like, girls be like, like, if you want to sleep with other girls, just be honest with me.

And I'm like, I could do that, but then you won't sleep with you. So it's not like there's no repercussions to the honesty. Like, people act like honesty is like a blanket where you could just be honest and you could live the same way. I also feel like you're talking about the seeing phase, like when you're talking about. Yes. I'm more, I'm a lot. I am honest now, though. I am more honest now. Like I, before, it's not that I was dishonest. I just didn't talk about it. Yeah. I'd never barred to the table. I would behave a certain way, like, taking you to a dentist. And that implies that you're like really interested. But if she read your mind, she'd be like, oh, he's, he would never want to date me. Right. Or, or maybe, I wouldn't say, like, with her, with her situation, with that specific girl, we did date for like a while. It's not that I didn't want to date her. But they were just like, it was too. soon to be doing moves like that and I was like so was I supposed to be like find your way the

detentant I ain't doing shit you need to swim through the Hudson to get yeah like I'm just trying to be like a decent dude and listen I don't want to come on your pot I know your podcast is like mostly women I don't want to come on a podcast or sell myself like I'm some nice dude I still do I'd be doing stuff that you know that I've been doing weird shit when I'm alone yeah yeah yeah that's that's not me I don't like well you're you're coming on some fans and shit like you're on TV you have a special out like how are you handling it yeah i mean it's cool it's pretty cool it's not it hasn't been like an overnight thing i've been doing stand-up for like 10 years yeah like it's been progressive like so i've got to see it grow um it has kind of

picked up a lot it's just more more busy and like knowing like going places and having people know who i am that's kind of like a weird thing like that i'm not used to but it's nice like people like oh i've seen you know i've seen your thing and i go to like when i when you go on the road that's like a thing too because like if you're like a little bit known in new york and you go something like you go to kansas and you're like huge like yeah i'm like a like a huge deal like when i'm in town um and like having to deal i used to like i would meet people and like i would hang out with them and like even like girls i would like go to a bar with them but like i don't really do that anymore because i'm like i'm giving these people like stories that like i'm not comfortable with them having

of me so like i stopped i stopped doing that like i remember one time this was like a crazy story i was in uh i was in a minnesota it was like years back i was like on the road and i met this girl and i like we we got like completely drunk and we hung out the whole night we got drunk and then like we hooked up um that night and it was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me this was like middle minnesota and i was very drunk and so was she but i remember that in the middle was like us like making out whatever she was like got on top of me and took her dumbs and like rammed them into my eyes and I had just gotten LASIC at the time yeah I know this sounds weird I it's a yeah no you don't just say that no I didn't know say that hey I just got

I didn't know what was happening I was like I like so many thoughts went through my head I was like is this a thing that like white women are doing that that I haven't like you You're like, did I forget to kink shame this girl? Right. I remember the next day I called my boys. I was like, dude, first of all, she ran my eyes. I woke up in the morning. My eyes were like bloodshot swollen.

Did it hurt? Yeah. I had to find a LASIC doctor in Minnesota to go see because my eye. I couldn't see out of like one arm. Did you tell her to stop or you kind of went with it? I kind of went with it. I don't want to be that guy. He was like, yeah, yeah.

And also I'm like, first of all, even if this girl like basically blinds me and take my eyes. Like nobody's going to believe me in the middle of Minnesota that's some white. girl came into my room and blinded me. Like, they're going to think I'm lying. So I'm just going to make this, like, hope this goes away. So the next day I called my boys, I was like, dude, have you heard about anything like this? Like, it's just a thing.

And I call, like, my most fuck boy's friends who are like, if there's a new thing out, they've heard of it. Like, these guys are out there. Test and tried it. Yeah, these guys are out there, like, internationally. And they're like, dude, I've hooked up with women all over the world. I have never heard about this. This is not a thing.

Speaking from a white girl, my friends, I've never heard of them talk about it. Yeah. like you have to you have to text her find out what that was like i don't understand why somebody would do that to you and then i didn't text her if she texted me later that day and i was just like too like i was it was just too weird for me to i didn't even bring it up like i didn't even bring up the eye thing i just let it rock but like i can't continue to do stuff like that like this was in my early 20s i have to stop doing stuff so i don't i don't like do it even though that's such a good story it's worth it for yeah it's great for the podcast yeah yeah when you're on a podcast telling then your eyes have

sort of healed. I had to get LASIC again. I got LASIC twice. Yeah. I love how she started it and you were like we have to fully commit. Yeah. And now like I walk around with sunglasses a lot and people think like I'm trying to be cool. It's like no, my eyes are sensitive because some white girl in Minnesota rammed her thumbs into my eyes. That is so fucking weird. Yeah. That's like the thing. Like you can't like I can't keep giving these women these stories. Okay. I also saw you have a whole bit about love languages? Yeah. What's your take on it?

What are your love languages? I forgot. I think my love languages were... No, words of affirmation. Okay. Words of affirmation and touch. I think that's the one that every guy has. Touch my boner.

Yeah, yeah. Touch it. I think those were the two things. I, like in my joke, I'm like mocking it. Like it's a silly thing. I'm like, it's like a thing that like girls, I was like you take a test. I don't know where you find it. Women know.

They'll just send it to you. Oh, yeah, I love that bit that you do. Yeah, it was like, in the middle of your date, I'll just send it to you. Which website is this? He's like, manate shit.com. Yeah, this seems legit. And the next thing you know, you're like fully in like an 18 page thing and you're reflecting on all your life decisions.

You're like, do I do that? Right. I think it's important, but isn't it funny? Like, there's so much like advancement in like dating and like how you treat one another, but like relationships are still failing. Oh, for sure. It hasn't helped anything. It changes the verbiage where instead of me be like, give me compliments.

I'm like, I know. words of affirmation so he can't be like you're needy i'm like well doctor like webmd right here said something else right i had like i did a girl who was like her thing was like mine's were like we took the test together mine's were like i think it was like words of affirmation and hers were like expensive gift and i was like oh yeah mine too like mine too is expensive gifts like i want i want that like i was just a trade off but they also to complicate it more they say like the love language you receive you like to receive is sometimes different than the love language you like to give?

Yeah, I don't like to give expensive gifts. Yeah, exactly. Then I was talking to Des about it as we had to because he was like, that shit's fucked up, I don't believe it. And he goes, they don't factor in that humor is a love language. Is it?

No, he's saying they're wrong because he thinks it is. He's like, I connect with people through humor. And then I'm like, is that your excuse to not get me expensive gifts? I understand what's happening here. Good one, does. Nice way around it. Yeah, I think humor can be a love language.

But the thing is, like, once you date a woman for a while, it's very seldom that she finds you funny. Like, no woman is walking around thinking their husband is funny. Like, you just think he's fucking annoying. I love you said that. I love you said that because it's normalizing. Like, people love being like, yeah, like, my girl's not funny. She's hot. Like, she's not funny.

Yeah. Where it's like, anyone is not funny to when you're annoyed with them. Yeah. And as you get around them, like, you learn the tricks. Like, you learn, like, you know, I don't want to give away, like, a comedian. but there's a trick to comedy like there's a thing that you do Like I'm not gonna give you the secret sauce

Right there's a way you say it Once you're around that every day You pick up on it It's not like that funny It does I'll like occasionally We'll like get into like podcasting mode Where I try to say something Make him laugh and he's like

Okay you're done performing Yeah He's like you're done with your bit And I'm like you're supposed to laugh at it And he's like I'm not your fucking audience And he'll so I have him calling me out Which I guess is constructive criticism But I also think

Sometimes I find people funnier Offstage than on stage And, like, I arguably, like, I see your performance. I'm like, oh, it's even performing. But then when you're fucking around, you're like, oh, this is the raw shit. And that's the person you have to, like, actually be attracted to. Yes. But then also, I feel like, yeah, I feel like with the laughter thing, it's more like,

I don't care if sometimes you don't think they're funny, it's like, if you're in a room and someone does something stupid, if you can't look at each other and have the same reaction to it. Yes, that's what it is. Then there's a problem. Right. That's what it is. Like, I think my ex-girlfriend, she probably, like, I think she thinks I'm funny, but like on a day to day

it wasn't a lot of funny it was like her just mad at me like her is like a lot of her just angry at me but like if we would get around other people she would definitely like think I was hilarious when you people watch and you're like why are you doing why is this person doing well you realize as a comic like making people laugh

is only one part of intimacy where it's actually like making people feel safe and feeling loved and all that other shit that a lot of comics we don't love right no Yeah, because what you mean with an audience or with a partner? With a partner? Yeah, with a partner for sure.

With an audience is kind of like one night stands. Yeah, it's like this one night high and you have to worry about it anymore. You don't care about anything. Like you just want to make them laugh and then I'll never see you again. And you could dream about me later and like if I can talk about it with your friends, how funny it was. Right, right. Sometimes like I'm filming, like I got my comedy central thing and I'm filming another, especially this summer. Oh, sick.

That's going to come out in the thing. And like, I'm doing a lot of like the dating stuff on that. and I'm like I think after I do this like I think I'm just gonna probably just like get married and have a kid because I feel like I'm done Yeah but then you get married and have a kid and you turn to Kevin Hart being like Kids are fucking assholes I know I know because you're gonna I feel like people are gonna grow with you

Right because I was thinking like okay what if I get pregnant Like I can't be doing my like fuck boy shit on stage Yeah your career be over But then you think like okay Ali Wong and like they Oh yeah no actually you blow up yeah There's just like more things to complain about Yeah different ways because it's just your perspective

on life. It doesn't matter what's happening in life. Right. But I think I think like at the age that I am like being 31 and like single and talking about dating, I just appeal to like such a large gap. Yes. People. And I also try to get the people who are married to understand my perspective. Like I try to bring them into like the pool of people that that get me. But but yeah, sometimes I think about like yeah, this is great. This is working now. But like, you know, you got to evolve. Right. Well, I personally like I like that I found someone because I can focus. on my career. Like, you know, the dating can be, like, very time-consuming. And I'm not saying settle for someone that wants to, like, settle down. But, like, it's nice to just have a partner and not always be, like, emotionally terrorized by different relationships that aren't a good fit for you, which is necessary to find the right person. Right. I don't even really date, like, right now. Yeah. When did you think you were going to be married, like, growing up in your head? What was it the number in your head? Um, probably mid-30s. Probably mid-30s, like I thought. I was never like I was never like a like a guy that was like oh I want the wife and kids like I want it

but like I never glamorize it like I've spoken to some people who is like that's their like calling in life they're like I just want to have a family and raise my family yeah um but I but I you know I was I was speaking to this girl that told me recently that like I'm at the age where like men start having baby fever where they're like oh I want a I want a legacy I want a mini me yeah but I don't trust a guy another guy with my legacy like another baby like to carry on I feel like he's going to be doing weird shit and I'm like, why would you do that? And you'd have my last name.

I was saying, yeah, like, I feel like my kid's going to be fucking crazy knowing his parents. Like, I'm like, they're going to be such like, they're never going to shut up. They're going to, like, assholes, like sarcastic and shit. Right, right.

Talking back all the time. Yeah. I mean, it is nice. Like, being in a place where, like, you don't have to worry about dating. Although I don't worry about it, but it's something that's in my head where I'm like, well, eventually I'm going to have to stop working

and date somebody, you know? What are we going to do? Or you find the in between, but it is also like, I don't know, it's, it's fun to know that you can find someone and be yourself and also, like, have your career and have all three. Yes, but also, it's like a breakup, though, what you're going through in that, you know, when you first decide you want to break up with someone, it takes like four months to like, you're realizing like, oh, shit, I think I might want to meet someone, but it takes you, like, a while to then be in that place to be like, oh, I'm actually vulnerable. Yeah, I like the reason is like I don't want to drag like I feel like I'm on I'm on like this like train that's like going and I just don't want to drag anybody with me true like on it like because I'm I'm really on it and I'm not like well your 30s it's like a slowing down it's like a selfish time where you have to be so selfish with your career to ultimately become that person that you love to give your love to someone not to get to be yeah no that's how I feel like that's how I feel like I feel like a bad person making girls like just get on the train with me and I'm just this is the ride like you have to just come along for the ride and like I want to you know respect them for their them being on their train or they're trying to like figure out but like I can't like because I'm just like I worked

I started standing when I was 20 I worked all my 20s and I got to a point where I got like momentum we got to keep this going hell yeah girls would be like oh but like I haven't seen you and like I'm like I'm working I'm on the road on month I'm sorry I don't know what to do yeah well because you've worked hard to have the opportunity to have to say no to like social situations because you're so busy. Right, right, right. But I could definitely see it as like a thing where it's like, all right, well, this can't go on forever because it's like, it's very like, you know, just kind of like a hamster wheel

thing where you just run on the wheel. And also, you need like, you need experience to, like, write jokes. Yes, you need to live life and you need to go out and you need to have new people being mirrors for you to reflect on yourself. But I also think with you, it's like finding those times to be like, okay, when are we refilling the battery? because you can't just do special after special after special and feel like your best.

Right, no, right, yeah. But also when the industry wants you, you got to give yourself to that. I'm like, I've wanted so much, you know, so much you want the industry to like you. And when you got some heat, you're like, all right, what do you? Yeah, you're not going to be like, nah, not today. You need me to do L.A., Australia, London. Yeah, I'll do everything wherever you need me.

You got to do it. But sometimes I feel like I'll try to fake, like, get an experience because like sometimes I feel like right now, especially like I don't have enough time to like, go out and really enjoy life. So, like, if I meet, like, a group of girls, like, that, like, that day I had to stand, like, like, I met those girls. And we were talking.

Like, it was just me and literally three girls there. And I was just like, so what's your craziest dating store? And I was like, what's your crazy is? Yeah, I'm like, give me some experience. You're like, what's weird shit you would do to me tonight? Right, right. Right. Like, what would you do?

Yeah, I'm like, maybe, I'm trying to get bitch here. Like, tell me something about you thing. You're like, what's happening in the dating scene right now in New York. Just give me a brief summary. Yeah, yeah. But also, like, I find, like, like, my experiences are always wilder than, like, there. Because, like, I have this thing where I used to do it a lot with the dumb and the eye girl where, like, I'll know a situation is going wrong. But I'm like, this is going to be a podcast story.

Me too. I got to keep this going. Well, it's how you stay sane. Instead of, like, freaking out, you're like, oh, there'll be some humor in this eventually. Yeah, yeah. I had to, I had a, I had a, you want to hear a crazy one? Yeah. This is really wild.

Yeah. I had this thing where I I'll make it quick like I met this girl whatever and she wanted to hang out have a drink so we go have a drink whatever and it's fine I'm not really that into her but like she I gave her I drove her to a couple doctor's appointments but I'm yeah I met her parents I gave me the shot so no um like she was I'm into her she was fine we were having a great conversation like it was fine I'm like she's cool she's funny um but you know this isn't going anywhere but like I know like we both know it's not going anywhere but like we both know it's not going anywhere but so he knows yeah so yeah i know i tweeted it she didn't know um you texted your boy yeah i texted my boy as it's just the worst shit i've ever been on she didn't know i'm like oh you don't see you're not reading my text when i write it um anyways on story short we're hanging out i feel like i felt like she wasn't really that into it either like i thought we were like aware like all right this is fun for what it is but we're not like then so after she's like hey um she's like i live a couple blocks away like do you could you

like walk me to my thing. And I'm like, yeah, I'll walk you to your place because, you know, you were on a date with me. And if in the event you get murdered on the way back home, I'll probably, I'll probably be questioned. So I'll do it. So I walk her to a couple blocks away. We get to the front of her thing. She's like, do you want to come inside for a thing? And my head is like, no, I don't. And I probably shouldn't do this. But let's see what's going on in here. Let's see what's going on in this house. So I'm like, sure. Sure, I'll come in. I'll have a drink. whatever um so we get there we're sitting in her live she's the couch like this i'm sitting there she's like she's like give me a second like i want to get into something more uh comfortable

in my head i'm like you're kind of naked right now but all right if you want to take more or whatever so she goes into her room and she comes back like five minutes later and she's like i need your help with something and i'm like what would happen like i need you to come see this so i'm thinking like all right you know i you know i've been around the block i know what that means so i get up And I go to her room and when she, when we get to the door, she's like, okay, my cat died. I'm like, what? She's like, my cat is dead. I'm like, is this a euphemism for your vagina or your cat is dead?

She's like, my cat is dead. And I look and there's a dead cat laying on the floor. She's like, movie. She's like, she's like, the cat died. And I was like, did you kill the cat? How did the cat die? She's like, no, we knew it was going to die. Like, it's an old cat.

and the doctor told us that it was going to die but it died on my date so I need you to help me she's like I need you to help me get rid of the cat I'm like who do you think I am I do stand up comedy for a living and she's like it's easy like we need to cut it apart I've done this with men before don't worry it's easy she's like we'll wrap it up we'll put it in your trunk like we'll take it somewhere and we'll just dispose of the cat body and I was like I'm not doing that And she was like, we just, I can't leave the cat here. She goes, this cat's going to haunt you for life. And I thought it was like a prank. So I touched the cat. Like, I'm like, I'm like, sure this is a real cat. You put the pulse on my cat. Yeah, I'm like, I'm trying to do CPR.

You go, this shit overdosed? This cat overdosed? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, no, I need you to ding the cat. And I'm like.

You're like, I think I'm being pranked. I'm like, there's no way this is my life. Like, I understand I'm a comedian. But like, when I tell this story, people aren't going to believe me. You had, like, kind of a half chub because you were looking at her way. I'm kind of turned on by this because she murdered the cat. But I'm like, this is not even like, this story's so wild. It feels like it's not even believable.

Like, when I tell it, like, people are going to think I'm lying. So I'm like, I'm not doing the cat. And she's like, she's like, you need to help me do the cat. And I'm like, all right, like, I'm leaving. Like, I'm leaving. Like, I'm a dog person. Yeah, I'm done with this. Yeah.

So I leave. Like, I just left her apartment. Like, I didn't do the cat. And then I'm like, I'm driving. and I'm like, is she gonna tell people I killed her cat? Like, what's happening? So I'm like trying to like do like crisis control.

You're shaking Twitter. Yeah, like I like text her. I'm like, hey, like sorry. Like I'm apologizing now. Like I did something wrong. I'm like, hey, I'm sorry that I didn't. If you need money for the funeral. Yeah, I'm like if you start to go fund me

like I'll send you a couple dollars. Like I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of your cat. Like just please don't ruin my career over this. Like I had nothing to do with the death or your cat. People go, the fucking cat killer dude stay away from him and then she she texted me the next day she was like hey like sorry about the cat like i just panicked i didn't know what to do was she sad was she like crying no she was like like this was coming yeah she was just like man it just happened tonight

she goes your energy was just so bad the cat killed himself yeah yeah yeah but i just so many things where like i like i'll be in this and then i'm like i need to because if if she wants to say that i went to apartment and killed her i feel like she could and i would be my word against her I'm not a cat killer I think cats are fine So I'm trying to No one would believe me That a white girl blinded me in Minnesota

Right And then now the cat situation They're gonna think I'm just like Some dude that's out Just like doing these fucking weird things So like I have to keep reminding myself Just for the material Stop doing it

And then nine out of ten times It doesn't even become material No I'm like I'm doing this for the material Or you'll just be having the most boring date With someone and they go Don't put me in your act Oh my God

I get that every single night I'm like, listen, you're not funny. You're boring. You've been talking about geography for the last 45 minutes. Yeah, someone will like say a line. They go, you could use that one. This isn't going in my act. I promise you.

But then it will. But now we're talking about it right now. Yeah, you're like, this girl is so boring. Wait, so where can girls DM you on Instagram? I'm at Ian Lara Lives. I-A-R-A-L-R-A-Live. That's my Instagram. Hell yeah.

Okay, so slide into his DMs. We're going to finish with a final game called The Seven Deadly Sins, okay? Oh, boy. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? My time. Oh, so you good to saying no and stuff? No, I'll make a reason.

I'll be like, I'll be like, my cat died. I need to go. I can't go. I need to go. What do you like to do with your time? Comedy. Nice. Who are you envious of?

envious? I'm not really envious. I think I'm not really envious of people. I enjoy the life that I've built for myself and I think that that's good. I don't want to get too, like, serious, but I kind of just lost my mom. I'm envious with people who still have their mom.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. It's okay. It's okay. Actually, my, does, I've been talking about this podcast, I apologize, but he lost his mom. And he was the one who told me about you. Oh, yeah.

We were talking about it. And then I remember being like, oh, I just want to when I see him, which is so weird in a comedy club, because I'm always like, hey, fucking stupid. And I just like, hey, I'm sorry. But do you feel like, it's been, you've been, like, reflecting on, like, the shit that had made you, like, who you are kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. I was actually, it's so funny because there's so many comedians who, that time we was having a conversation with Des, it was like, we just, it's happened to be four comedians. sitting at the comedy seller and like I forgot how moms came up and we just all that we had all just lost our mom within the last two years like everyone was like oh y'all lost his mom and then another comedian come in and I knew that he lost I was like didn't you

lose your mom he was like yeah so it was like five of us just sitting there talking about losing our moms but I heard this quote I think it was Frank Sinatra who said it he was like a man doesn't become a man until he loses his mom which is like real deep and heavy but I kind of do feel that

where like you kind of do feel like you're just like all right well like now it's just me like even though then I have my dad who's like super in my life and I love it too but like it's like a different vibe yeah does has a bit though where he's like my dad's like my dad's like nothing really changed and then when you lose your mom you're like everything is chaotic like the whole family structure feels different completely different my mom was like the glue of the family yeah but like we're still like we're still bonding together but it's definitely like different it's like definitely a different you definitely feel that there's been change yeah I also feel like it does help sometimes guys

and their relationships, like, whatever they, like, learned from their mom now that she's gone, it's like you almost want to now find a new, stable connection with, like, a great woman in your life. Yeah, I mean, I want to make sure that I don't look for a mom and a partner. True. You know, that's like... Bless up, because I cannot take these guys looking for fucking babysitters. Yeah, that's like a thing.

But I kind of realized that the reason why I've probably been, like, unsuccessful, most of our relationships was just because, like, I was just in love with my mom who, like, emotionally gave me, like, everything I needed from, like, a woman. But, like, now that she's gone, I'm like, oh, shit. I guess I will look for love from a woman Because I used to be like, I don't need you to love me I just kind of need you for sex You'll never come near the love that my mom gives me

My mom loves me I just need you, you know Oh shout out to your mom Yeah I mean like I'm When my mom passes knock on wood I don't know what the fuck I will do You don't understand how much like You take stuff for granted I feel like

Yeah for sure for sure It is like a eye opening thing But it's also like part of life which like you got you're maturing you're maturing through a lot of like grief right right what do you gluttonous about what do you overindulgent food i'm i'm not doing food anymore i stop eating fried food you're all yeah i'm all food yeah i'm all food now um i could be very gluttonous with food like when i go out like if i go out like on a date or whatever like we go out to eat i like to order like a bunch of food oh that turns me on like four appetizers yeah like a bunch of things yeah

like let's just let's run it up what was your like go two, like, dirty meal that you're like, I want this. I love French fries. Same. I'm, like, a huge fan. What do you dip them in? I'm not a sauce guy. Like, I don't.

Oh, raw dog. Yeah, I don't like sauce. I have a weird thing with, like, all, like, so I do barbecue sauce. That's the only sauce. Okay. But I don't like, like, white sauces. So I don't dip in nothing. Maybe I dip in a little barbecue sauce.

That's it. But yeah, I used to eat fried. Like, I realized I was eating fried food every day. Yeah. And I'm not like, like, I'm still like a gym guy. I go to the gym a lot, but I'm like, this can't be healthy. No. What's your favorite fry?

McDonald's is really top tier. I was talking to this girl. She's like, I don't like fries. I was like, this won't work. Honestly, having the same taste in shitty food is like a real love language. How do you not like fries? Like McDonald's. What?

Yeah. Honestly, anything fried at like a regular, but like I'll do a crink or a waft. How do you feel about a tater tot? I'll do a tater top, but that's just if I'm trying to get nasty. Yeah, that's when you're in a wildhood. Yeah, that's like Valentine's Day. That's when you feel naughty. Once the last time you experienced extreme anger or wrath?

I actually, I used to, I feel like when I was younger, I used to have, like, anger problems where I used to get, like, super furious and super angry. But I kind of, like, work through that where, like, I don't allow myself to get there anymore. Yeah. So I kind of, I don't think I experienced real anger. I kind of experience more annoyance. Like where I'm like, I'll get real annoyed. The last time I probably had to do with like a girl I was dating something she did that really angered me.

I don't like it like I'm stabbed you in the eye. Yeah. Sorry, I cannot get over that. The cat one is funny, but the other one is like I'm shook to my core. The eye one, yeah, that was like, that's like, that messed with my health. I know, that was expensive. Yeah, that cost money. Yeah, I had to find a good thing I was in the Mall of America.

I had to find a latest doctor. This one in the Mall of America. and then you had to tell the doctor the story because you don't want to lie You got to fight with your friend And your friend did that And the girl And she was like a younger lady

She was like a younger Like she was like in her 30s too So it's like we're like in the same age And she's like What's wrong with you? Like why are you allowing women to do this to you? And I'm like listen I don't need this right now

Just give me the steroid drops Let me get on my way I don't need this When was the last time you were a sloth Or like lazy? Um I don't know I'm not really like a lazy guy

I'm kind of like a get up and go Like, I don't really like, I haven't had like a day off in like a month and a half. Yes. It's either traveling shows or podcast or radio interviews. So I'm active. Like, I'm young. I'm active. I'll be lazy one day, but like I'm after it now.

Hell yeah. I'm out here. When was the last time you lusted over someone? Do you have a celebrity crush? Do you have a current crush? I don't really have a celebrity crush. I used to like Ariana Grande. I used to, but then I, she's great.

I saw her, she's very tiny. Yeah, put her in your pocket. Yeah, you know how tiny she is. But now, I don't have a celebrity crush. Sometimes I'll be like around, because you, like, you, once you get into, like, that scene, like, once you get into, like, even, like, as small as there's, like, you'll get on TV and, like, you'll find, like, oh, I could, I could talk to this person. Like, I could, this person to give me, like, might give me the time of day, just off

of this. So I don't have, like, a big celebrity crush, but let me think, because I got to have a have somebody now. I feel like it was all when I was, like, younger and they've all, like, aged out the game. You know? What was your crush when you were younger? They're just a class, like, Holly Barry and, like,

J-Lo and their problems. But you're saying those two, you wouldn't fuck right now? I mean, like, Holly, I mean, they're in their 50s. But they look. Yeah, I would. I would. I mean, I, I think the girl who ran my eyes in. Who am I to not sleep with Holly Berry?

But, yeah, yeah, I would. But I'm saying I'm not like, I'm not like... gawking over them. Like, I remember when I did the Tonight Show, A-Rod was the guest. And I thought, and they said MJLo was in the room, but she wasn't.

But I thought she was. But I wasn't like, oh my God, I got to go meet J-Lah. I was like, I want to be A-Rod. Yeah, yeah. But, but, um. Throw back to their relationship. Yeah.

I think more, like, you, like, you like, you, like, now I feel like Instagram models are more like lusted over than like the celebrities. Well, yeah, it's wild. But the Instagram models, not all the time in person are the same thing.

I know. I've been there. Oh, boy. That's another story. Yeah. And, like, you're verified. Like, I got to get verified. I feel like once I get verified, I'm going to be.

You could slide anywhere. Yeah, I'm going to get more. No pun intended. Yeah. I'll give more replies. Sometimes you're going to hit me up, like, why are you not verified? Like, if I'm, like, being like, no, I'm going to be cool. Well, you have to get, like, a certain amount of press, which I think you definitely have.

I mean, yeah. I know people who run bar shows. Tell your fucking managers to get you. They're worthless. Yeah. Okay. Now I think I'm like, I'm like, now I'm like, now I'm. that guy. I'm like the artist, like the mysterious guy. I'm not gonna get verified. I'm like a man

of the people. Yeah, yeah. You're like below deck. I don't want to be too industry. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're not into industry. That's what I'm telling girls. Now it's like almost corny to be verified. Yeah, I'm like I told him no. Okay, try hard. Okay. Final question that I ask everyone at the end of the interview. Because you've been through some shit. What advice would you what advice would you give to the little devils on how to cope with your hell when you're going through it when it's dark. What do you do? Who are the little devils?

That's my listener. Oh, okay. Yeah. Nice. You go, who the fuck are the little devils you speak of? Yeah, we're in hell, motherfucker. Actually, I'm going to do the intro right after this, but this is Burning Hell podcast. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm not sure I even have the answers. I mean, I'm kind of going through it right now, like, where you just feel like, you know, he's constantly in a dark place, but you, but, you know, you, I'm, I don't know, I I'm lucky I have my family. I have like my siblings and stuff who I lean on a lot for like that support. And I find my career gives me like some type of solace.

It was a weird thing where like my career reached like its highest point right when my mom got sick and passed, which is is bittersweet. But in a way it kind of like has been able to like take my attention from not my, honestly, I think about like my mom like every single second. But like at least it gives me something like to focus. because I'm not just, like, in a room thinking about it, but I just, like, I'm in therapy. That helps.

Therapy helps. Oh, we love that for you. Yeah. I mean, it's mandatory in New York or you can't do it. When did you start? I started probably like six, seven months ago. I'm very proud to you, ladies, slide into his DMs. I swear to God, we love a man in therapy.

Do you, are your friends in therapy? No. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, I'm like, no, it's not. It's fine. Like, would you speak to a man about it? I'm like, what does it matter?

The sex of them. I always like to say to dudes, I'm like, you know how you work out your muscles every day at the gym? You're working out your brain muscles. Yeah. They're just literally helping you work shit out because you're stupid and you can't do it alone. And I thought I was like super well adjusted and I met with my therapist and within like 10 minutes. He was like, you're are fucked up beyond belief. He's like, we're going to have to move to three times a week.

He's like, you walked around this way. Like, I was like, I'm the most well adjusted person I know. Like you should, you should speak to my cousin. I'm like his divorce. I'm like, I'm the voice of reason for him. The voice of reason with your friends. That's so funny. Yeah, but definitely, yeah.

I think the whole point of therapy and the whole point of speaking to somebody and the whole point of like being a human, it's not even acknowledging that, I mean, it's not even like being perfect. Like, I'll never be perfect, but just the constant work towards being better. That's all it is. So, like, to the people like going through stuff, you just got to work on being better. Like anything you work on day in, day out, you'll probably get better at. And if you start investing in yourself, I feel like other things that you've been chasing will come more easily when you're treating yourself well and working yourself.

I feel like it's like school. Like, you know, they taught us the Pythagorean theorem. I want to learn about how my past is affecting my current. Yeah. Like, it's just school about how your happiness a lot, though, or are you? I think sometimes I'm like, I don't think this is going to work, but I always, like, try. Like, I try to be a student of it. Yeah.

But I, a lot of it is me complaining about shit and then her being like, yeah, that was really hard. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I know it's fucking hard. Yeah. I like, my therapist is like an old Jewish man. I like him too. Like, his perspective is very different than mine. So it's like nice to hear like from his.

Mine is more like, he wasn't fucking girls in getting your eyes. He's like, I have no idea. My therapist is more like, you can have empathy with yourself because that's the very mean way to speak to yourself. And I'm like, yeah, I know. No, I suck. Because I fucked it up. I suck. I'm a fuck up.

She's like, you don't have to speak yourself like that. And I'm like, you're like, I'm worthless. You're worthless. And she's like, you're now projecting onto me the way you hate yourself. You know, you flip the table and leave. She's like so fucking nice. And I'm like, dude, life is hard. And she's like, but you could, you don't have to talk to yourself like that.

Yeah. Anyway, Ian, where can people follow you, listen to you, watch you, give me the goods. Yeah, Ian Lara Live. That's my Instagram. That's my Twitter. That's my website. Yeah, go to my website. I'm on tour.

I'll be, I'm in, when did this come out? two three weeks oh all right um so yeah i'm on tour i got a bunch of dates in april i'll be in springfield massachusetts i'm doing south by southwest comedy festival me too you are yeah this weekend oh yeah me too let's hang all right yeah for sure five um so so yeah and um go watch my special is on it's on youtube is for free uh you can search my name ian lara or you can search growing shame uh it's my comedy central half hour is out there and leave a pod of comment i'm gonna link it I'm going to link it in the credits.

Oh, okay. I appreciate that. There you go. Hell yeah. Thanks so much for coming, guys.