Berner Phone - Jackie Schimmel: The Bitch Bible & Her Velcro Vagina

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

Jackie is way too comfortable in hell. She discusses why she hates influencer culture, her delusional confidence to drop music when she can't sing,  cheating, why her dog smells like yeast, her worst habits, and much more. PROMO CODES: Noom: Sign up for a Noom trial at https://www.noom.com/bern BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/BERNING Dipsea: Get a 30 day free trial at https://dipsea.com/bern Upstart: https://Upstart.com/BERN --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My vagina did seal shut like an acorn, a beautiful, small, fleshy acorn. Yes. And then I let the wax sit too long, and it was stripless wax, and then I stood up. So I kind of had my feet in like stirrups on the floor. My husband was gone. And then I had to pee, and I got up. And the wax had sealed my labia shut. And then when I peed, it was like coming out of my ass.

Welcome to Burning and in hell. What is up, you guys? I am Hannah Burner. And today we are in hell with the creator of the Bible of the bitches. Ooh, I like that. Jackie fucking Shimmel. Hi. I've been burning in hell since 1990.

I can't believe it took me so long to burn in hell with you. I'm so happy you're here because I have a little. little, you know, bio on you, your podcast host, producer, writer, good time gal. Love it. And professional asshole. You wrote this. Did I, did you get this from the CAA website? Because I think it's on there, too. I did. And I love reading people's bios at them that they probably wrote like six years ago and they hate about themselves and then let them sit with it. But I loved your bio. Oh, thank you. There's nothing sadder and darker than writing your own bio. you're like people like me like you want to know you're a fucking loser you had to write your own bio

that's me and you also are a community college dropout and you had a wide array temp jobs yes and i'm just going through your life right now and you doctored a fake diploma from UCLA I love that you were like I don't want a regular school I want the fucking school if I'm going to fake it yeah and then you became a receptionist at a prominent investment bank did you find any hot guys there? Ugh, no, unfortunately. Just the worst. Not hot at all.

Little trolls with briefcases. For some reason, I thought of the word slugs. That's what I think of it. And then they just like buy bottles and like stare at you. Ugh, disgusting. Like so disappointing. I thought that the silver lining of that job was going to be,

well, A, I stole a lot of alcohol and B, like they just would not fire me. It was the craziest shit. I was like, I need a severance package. I fucking hate it here. And these dudes, they have all this money and they're just so ugly. It's not like, you know, reality TV where you start out and six years later you have a new face. These guys get worse over time. It's actually...

Uglier and uglier and less interesting and boring and finance. And I'm like, ugh, I hate you all. Wouldn't fuck you with a seven foot pole. What is your current boy toy do? He is a music producer and writer. We love a creative man. Speaking of crazy. But not like a sad garage band one, like a real one.

Not like a sound cloud guy who his mom is yelling at him in the basement. Definitely not. Nope. It was fun in high school. But you're also creative as well and that's why you created the blog, the bitch Bible, which I, why did you just gag? Why did you throw up in your mouth just then? Do you know how annoying I am when people were like, so you used to have a blog. I'd be like, it was a digital collection of us.

Because I hate It was an ensemble of journalistic reviews of my life, you fucking cunt. Yeah, I just, I don't know why. The whole blogger thing, like, makes my butthole quiver. So, fun fact, when I first started Burning in Hell, one of my friends who loves podcasts, the first piece of advice she gave me was, you have to listen to the bitch Bible. and I remember walking to the subway no I walked to the subway and I had I didn't know the pod before and you are just going on one of your beautiful rants and I texted her this morning because I know

how much she loves you and she basically wrote to me I was like give me just like the dirt like I need to know what I'm really dealing with oh no and she wrote she's got a lot of hot takes and she fucking hates influencer culture and she always backs up all her takes and she doesn't care about being famous because she's hot and rich and living the dream with her hot husband in Calabasas.

Oh my God. So that's what the people think of you. I don't know what to say. I have nothing. I'm speechless. I don't even know what to say to that. But then you... Bless her.

But you come on this pod and you're telling me that you have a ring light. So like, what's... going out with your brand right now. Are you okay? I know. It's a really dark time. I will say that I have made it thus far without a ringlight. And I was sent one yesterday because I'm doing this live stream. So technically the ringlight is not mine. However, I have a tech rehearsal after this. So I thought I would just warm up the ringlight. And I got to tell you, bitch is glowing. There is an asterisk next to this ringlight. That's what we'll do. But it's true. I mean,

they've taken the phones where anywhere you are. you have that perfect lighting. And I'm very kind of anti the too much face tune and too much plastic surgery culture. But lighting, that's how you get away with it. Totally. No, listen, I refuse to use filters. I think that they're terrible and they should be illegal. And I just, if I have to look at some dumb fuck looking at me on their phone, preaching,

this is my favorite shirt of all time. You get somebody that's like, you know, a lot of people come on here and they just want to Terry each other down but like I think it's so important for women to support other women and like build each other up and make this a positive space and they've got their fucking vocal fight. A, they don't talk like that and B, they don't fucking look like that. So don't look me in my fucking eye and tell me that I'm a woman that doesn't support other women or that you're on this self-righteous podium of feminism when you're doing a top model fucking filter. You can fuck all the way off. Do you know what hurts other women? Pretending your

face is something different and unattainable and making all the women looking at you feel like shit about themselves because of your fake-ass face. Yeah, shut the fuck up. And don't make this a woman issue. It's a human issue. And I will fuck you up. Call me. I can't deal. Like, it's so important. Like, I just want to use this as a positive space. Do you show us another bikini pick that you face tuned. Do that. So I know J-Lo isn't a lot of shit right now, but what do you think about her statements basically being like, I don't use Botox. And the way my face looks like this is being kind to other women. Okay. That she said that. I quote. Are you serious? I'm a hundred percent serious. She was kind of like a clapback. Okay, that really bothers me.

I don't think, listen, I think JLo is objectively one of the most beautiful women in the world. I don't think that she's had, I don't think she's had surgery, maybe a little tit job. I don't think facial surgery. Do I think that she's maybe experimented with a little Botox, a little talks to the forehead? Sure, the best of us have. I don't know that she looks like that by being kind to other women. But also, J-Lo, I mean, I'm Italian. I have olive oil in my veins. That's not from olive oil. Second of all, you're putting thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars into different treatments of your face. If it's not Botox, that's fine. But don't be a fucking liar because you're hurting people. It's hurting people down.

Yeah, I call that toxic positive. Well, that's the title of this podcast. You nailed it already. Also, you are a fellow Leo, which I knew we were going to pop off on this podcast. What's your birthday? August 18th. I'm August 12th. Oh, my God, Soul Sisters.

I'm not going to get into like your rising and stuff because we don't have time. But also, you have a new song that I actually am obsessed with. This is the best part about the song. I have to preface this. I can't fucking sing and fooled me fooled I know my poor husband just I don't know what melodyne is but apparently it took a lot of it and he said he spent more time putting me in pitch subtly than the production of the song it's just Andrew's high pitch voice going I'm a bitch basically basically he harmonized with me he won't tell you that but it's true so he um it the best part about it is that it's a fucking joke and then it did really well on the iTunes charts, but there's lines about like bestiality and slapping people and running into people with your car. And I just, it was for me, it was just like an inside joke

for myself. And it makes me really happy. And I could feel that energy from it. I think that's why I liked it because I could tell you how to smirk on your face the whole time. And I just want to know, not only doing a solo podcast, which for people who've never done a podcast before, podcasts are hard. Doing a solo podcast, I don't know if you probably didn't. You probably didn't even know that in the beginning but like in the podcast world solo podcasts are like the hardest fucking thing to do second of all then you come out with a solo and you've never saying before where is this confidence coming from because it's beautiful oh is it I don't know it's painful painful uh delusion I think I don't know I think that the root of everything I do is in self

amusement. So I always say, she who giveth no fucks wins. You're welcome. I don't know where the feedback came from. By the way, I've never said that before. I'm like, I always say, never said that in my entire life. I don't know. I just kind of don't give a fuck. And I think there is something, you know, you throw enough shit on the wall. It'll stick. And I never thought doing podcast solo was that difficult. I actually thought having guests were more difficult. Well, guess you have to deal with their energies and like you actually have to have good chemistry. And it's, people in general are fucking annoying. But I do think that if you can overthink yourself to convince yourself, you can't do anything if you like yourself.

So it sounds like you don't really have those voices in your head that are powerful enough to be like, hey, this is a bad idea. No, I don't have any of that. And it's been problematic like in my entire life. Because believe me, there's a lot of downsides to that. but I'm so fucked up in the head that I literally think I can do anything and it's really troubling because there is moments where my husband will look at me and be like Jackie you can't do that like I feel like if a plane was to go down I could do a quick Google search and be like I'm going to get this bitch I'm going to like Captain Sully it we're going to be fine like I really

feel that way I'm supportive however you've gone too far I'm the one who made him write me a song I was like I'm gonna we're gonna do a song it's gonna do well he's like Jackie but you can't sing and I'm like so what he's like well you kind of have to sing to put a song out I'm like no you don't so such a dumb ass oh my god yeah men just don't see the big picture sometimes but I really appreciate that because like I'm on a reality TV show and people love to typecast reality TV people but then I was like oh no I'm doing comedy and people are like no you're gonna get shit on and then I and then I was like And I want to do a podcast, too. And it's like, the more people think out of the box, then the more people coming up don't see it as crazy.

100%. And reality TV is a whole other demon. I don't know that I could do that. Let's just say it's premiering tonight. And I've been anxious. I've had an anxious last couple hours. Because it's really like, I'm sure, because it's a different audience. It's like way more broad.

And it just, I don't know, something about the anonymity of a podcast. it lets you get away with a lot more shit. Yeah, and also a podcast, obviously, you control it and you get to kind of say your piece all the time and explain it and people really understand how your mind works. It's beautiful, but that's why I started a podcast because I'm like, people are going to see snippets of my life. And if they like me, then they can get too much of me.

It's the point that they're annoyed by my voice. I want to get into some great questions that my listeners want to ask you in particular. Has your vagina gotten back to normal after the Velcro vagina incident we need to know. Thank you so much for asking in your support. My vagina has unwebbed itself. The moral of this story is do not drink and try to give yourself an at-home wax.

Yes. Because my vagina did seal shut like an acorn, a beautiful, small, fleshy acorn. And then I let the wax sit too long and it was stripless wax. And then I stood up. So I kind of had my feet in like stirrups on the floor. My husband was gone. And then I had to pee and I got up. And the wax had sealed my labia shut.

And then when I peed, it was like coming out of my ass. It was going upstream. Do you know what I mean? Like it couldn't come out because it was locked in there. It was sealed. It kind of reminds me of my favorite kind of farts that somehow come out through your vagina when you're sitting in a position. and it's just like, hey, just reminding you.

Isn't that a queef? No. A quefe is like comes from inside from like pressure. This is science, by the way. And then this is like a fart that just somehow was like, we're not coming out the normal way. We're fun. It's a detour fart.

Exactly. I got it. Next important question. You've been discussing how your dog is smelling like yeast lately. Do you think he has an infection or should you check on this? Well. These questions are incredible. The people need to know.

I have taken that dog to the vet upwards of 614 times. He's cost me a fortune. And he is Jewish. He's got Ashkenazi skin. And he has seasonal allergies. And he gets a little flaky. And I like how it smells. And, you know, a little salmon oil, a little coconut oil does the job.

And I'm not taking the fucker to the vet anymore. We just, we handle it. I'm a vet also. what do they know his head has fallen off you're like i got this i can google it yeah it's cool we're good give me some uh you know tongs i also um people want to know do you really hate everyone and everything like it seems on your podcast um no no i do hate a lot of things but only temporarily like i could absolutely hate something and then i'm obsessed with it 2.5 seconds later i used the podcast is a form of therapy. So when something is bothering me, I like to fucking unload. You know,

I could probably go on for 45 minutes about people who use the term Manny Petty. Do I want them to die? No. Am I really that passionate? Do I wake up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning? Sometimes I just have disproportionate reactions to small things. But I totally get it because you bringing up Manny Petty and how it upsets you. Then you'll get feedback on it. And you might actually learn more about the Manny Petty community and see a side of it that you now want to indulge in, like love and hate is a close, maybe they're right next to each other. I don't know if that's my journey, because I don't like too much interaction.

So I don't know that I didn't even be open enough to hear out the Manny Petty community. But there are a lot of things that really bother me. You're like, I've blocked them all. And that's just my truth. Wait, how long have you had the bitch Bible? Like, when was its conception? I've had the podcast for six years. holy moment i know it's a really long time it's fucking wild and i had my digital collection of essays

about nine years ago or eight and a half years ago so my my question is in this podcast journey because i've been on it for i think about two and a half years which is a baby compared to you what times have you almost quit um never never uh never uh now i I will say that I did not get paid for the first three years and still kept on truck. And I have people that I'm like on my network now that would be like, oh, like, it's been a year and a half and I'm not making any money. And like, I just don't know if I can do this anymore. And it's so hard booking guess. And I was like, bitch, get a journal.

Okay. Three years, no fucking pay. Didn't even know that I could get paid, to be honest, at the beginning. I just thought that's what it was. swear to God and then I started asking around I had some friends that were podcasters that were like

we're pulling in like this amount a month and I was like I haven't made that in 10 years what the fuck is going on and there was a point in time where I did find out that I was like owed some money and I had been doing ads

and so I just left the network and then started self-publishing in between podcast networks but I love doing it I would do it, I mean, I did it for free. Do you ever feel pressure, especially over the years, to, like, be as good as the last episode? Or, like, do the people still like me? Like, did those voices ever come in your head?

No, I mean, I'm pretty, I always say, like, they can't all be hits. Like, I would recommend your listeners. I don't know when this is coming out. My last week's episode, kind of a dud, not great. I'd miss it. I love your honesty. I mean, I still think it's good. Like, I chuckled.

but it's not like incredible and some of them are great. That's just the fucking nature of the beast. Not every episode is going to be a banger. We both actually interviewed Alex Cooper. And I remember she's amazing, adorable and young. She's young. I told her that. So fresh.

On my wise ears, but she was like, it was like she was putting out a hit every week that she was like, the hit has to beat. And I go, I get this high, but like the anxiety you're getting from this, I can see it like through your pores. And but I think she put so much, but it's why her podcast is incredible, but it's also like, how long can you go beating yourself up like that based on other people's reactions when at some point everyone just loves to hate something that's cool. Totally. I told her, that's so funny.

I said the same exact thing to her because she's like, I spend like, I edit this to the, you know, I'll redo things. Like she really puts so much effort into it. And I really think that's admirable. I mean, this bitch, I don't even edit it. Like I just fucking, I don't give a fuck. And that's, you raw dog it. You have to. And maybe that's just different, different styles. But I felt real lazy after watching her. I was like, wow.

I get it. I get it. You do have this like self-awareness and confidence. What is your biggest insecurity physically and emotionally? Let's start getting a little dark and how. Excuse me. Okay, physically. Oh, I love these questions.

My biggest insecurity physically would be. my tits because they sag a little low that's so funny because I in my head I'd noted that you have great boobs I remember thinking like oh I didn't see that for her frame so they're very large they're great with underwire I have every day I have like full burn marks on my shoulders from the holsters them carrying these tits all day it's exhausting I really I mean I've done this demo for lots of people on Zoom I can fit an iPad under one of my tits it's not a joke it's not a bit it's real under one of them like an old iPad too thick oh wow do you do that at your live shows i am doing that on my live stream we are going to be doing because nobody

believes me i have a curtain and i will be holding things under my tits that's what we're working with over here honestly extremely convenient now that i think about it when we had it'll buy me at least 15 minutes of air time so that's good so that would be my biggest physical insecurity i'm not someone that like puts a lot of emphasis on physicality which sounds stupid i like clothes and i like all that stuff but i'm not like someone who like i will walk around like a full homeless person i don't really i that's not like where i get my do you ever feel pressure in l.a no lae seems like such a scene that everything is about like your looks how do you kind of exist in that place i'm not in that scene at all. I don't hang out with bitches like that. I don't live in the city. I pride myself

on being able to go outside. I do a Pilate sock slide combo everywhere I go. I don't give a fuck. It's really unimportant to me. I would rather be like funny than pretty. I mean, I happen to be both, which is great. Did I ask for pretty? No. did it just happen yes oh i'm kidding um no so yeah my my tits would be my physical insecurity and my emotional insecurity well i am a type three anagram and i am a double leo with a scorpio rising and i feel like i know what a nightmare i'm a scorpio rising too i'm virgo moon scorpio rising oh so we are just we're full full crazy people in the best way it's like the worst combination but amazing people have said that they get scared and then they go oh

it's interesting are you okay and i was like you good girl not really are you a menace to society yes a hundred percent as we should be it's a it's a good combo as a type three double leo scorpion scorpion scorpio rising um i would say that i was 97 percent positive that I was going to be a full loser, even though I had all this confidence. But, you know, couldn't get into college, barely graduated high school. What were you doing? Like, instead of studying? I mean, nothing that exciting.

I was interning at, like, NBC and extra and shit. And I was just lying about my age, hoping they would give me a job. But also, like, not a great employee, like, have kind of a power complex where I don't like taking instructions from people. I can't. It's a mess. can't. Yeah, it was terrible. It's a really, really awful combination. So I was like, you know what? I just have to accept the fact that I'm probably not going to do anything cool or admirable and just...

Did your parents think you were dumb? No. Genius, unfortunately. She happens to be funny and pretty and a genius. No, that's the problem. Everyone around me was just, and I was so not like, not, but they were like, you will do great things. I see this. You've got lots of street savvy and I'm like, do I though? And I think they just I think they just lied to me. She's like, I've never seen the streets. I've never been in the streets. Yeah, I'm from like the fucking suburbs of L.A. Like, what do you mean street savvy? They let me go to Europe like by myself with a friend when I was 18 years old with like a manila folder full of printouts, map guides. And they're like, she'll be fine. Like so hands off that they just kind

let me do whatever the fuck I want. And I wasn't, but I was not good at school like so dumb. And I didn't think I was dumb. I just thought that I was lazy and probably not going to do anything. So I think that my biggest emotional insecurity would be that I was, I hate when people talk to me like I'm fucking stupid. Hate that shit. Drives me insane. We'll rip your asshole apart. And afraid to be a big fat fucking loser.

You know, I think that the school system is not made for everyone to be successful. It's like a certain way of learning. And I know a lot of really creative people. or just really like entrepreneurial people who just couldn't fucking deal with that organization of learning and um totally you're a great example of that also i have some more questions for you do you deal with anxiety yes how does your anxiety kind of show so i don't have like a depression thing i've never even in like the worst moments of my life i never felt like i couldn't get out of bed. I do the opposite. I'm like, I'm going to get up. I'm going to work. I maybe like push it

too hard the other way because I'm like, I am functional. I'm going to go. I'm going to do this. We're going to have sushi. I'm going to do, you know, like full like denial. I love you. Like, I know it's hard, but I'm going to have sushi. And I'm going to have it with the mayo sauce. And I'm going to love it. And I'm going to go sit and a rest. Like I really do push myself to be like, I'm having a great day. We are joie de vivre. We are living. We're laughing, we're loving. I have really severe panic attacks. Oh, okay. So that's how it manifests itself. I also have extreme phobias. I have a phobia of birds, which is the weirdest shit of all time. Yeah, New York with the pigeons, that would be tough, because they are aggressive

motherfuckers. They are like, this is my lane and you can come in it, but you're going to regret it. Yeah, I can't deal with it. I mean, I will have like, I've fainted before over a pigeon. Like, it's that level it's fucking weird have you ever tried to like do that kind of their exposure therapy to try to like get a little parakeet see if you can figure it out i i did when i was um 12 i used to not eat outside in middle school because there were so many birds that i would either like try to get detention so i had to stay and eat inside or i would just like make excuses to not eat outside it's so such a loser did you think like the birds had it out for you like you'd go out and you'd be like oh they just had a meeting and they were like jack he's here it's time they can smell fear

no but it's it's weird when you have a phobia it's like not that you're not afraid that they're going to hurt you it's like the thought of them touching my ears oh is that really fucked up did something happen no that's what's so weird i mean Kendall jenner is afraid of like little holes in pancakes so like it there's all kinds of issues is she that's what she claims i don't believe her that's why she doesn't eat pancakes she says oh what else are you scared of uh vomit um couldn't say the word until three years ago i used to have to say t you isn't that so once i was on the subway as one used to be back in the day and um my worst fear happened someone threw a guy who was hung over three

up on me on the subway that is I would I was like and my days my year's done my years done my years it is the most and it came out of nowhere and then everyone's looking at you and you're just embarrassed and and you're like well I'm not going to work today now and um it is it is brutal do you get nauseous when you even like hear it uh no I just my throat closes up and I start fully panicking I've gotten better but there was a point in time where I was so afraid of getting food poisoning or stomach flu or anything that I only ate this is for a year and I like didn't I was podcasting I think at the time and I didn't even say anything I only would drink ginger ale or sprite I would only have noodles with broth and saltine crackers for like basically every meal like as if you're always

on the verge of getting sick and how to prevent it yeah oh my god I called it my safe food also ginger ale underrated most underrated soda, in my opinion. Very delicious. Yeah. I know. And saltines with butter doesn't get better. Honestly, that's all I need in life. So how does Andrew's demons deal with your demons? Like, do you guys have compatible demons? Andrew doesn't really have that many demons. I am his demon. He's pretty chill. I mean, it's like weird. I'm convinced that he might be like very Patrick Batemany and just fucking lose his mind one day. And I'll be. wake up and he'll have like a chainsaw over me because he's so even keeled and like yeah relaxed and so

diffusive I'll be having a full exorcism and he's just like it's all good babe like you're fine it's okay and I'm like what is wrong with you I also this is amazing I heard that you've cheated on all your exes in the past yeah why haven't you why did you cheat on them and why haven't you cheat on Andrew? I mean, I don't know. I haven't like physically cheated on every boyfriend, but I definitely was like seeing two people at the same time and telling them we were both exclusive or I would do like really shady shit. Like my old high school slash early college boyfriend, I would break up with him every summer. You know, it was like, Leo season. Leo season. SZN. Hell yeah. You know what I mean? It's like I would feel a Santa Ana win.

and I would become like a better, hotter version of myself. And I was like, I don't need him for the summers. I just need him like during the school years. And I would just meet someone at a party or whatever. And then I would just send him a text. And I'd be like, hey, I think we should take a little break. And then I would hook up with somebody three minutes later. And in the morning you'd be like, sup.

Totally. It was always a breakup text, like an unsolicited. Everything's going fine. Like, hey, I've been thinking I think we should take a little time off. And then boom, on to the next. But like literally within seconds. Yeah, you're, you were a mental terrorist. Do you think that you were having intimacy issues or you were just having a good time?

No, just having a full on good time. Just, you know, fuckless fun. So why did Andrew slow you down? Like, what about him made you change your ways? Oh, um, I don't know. We just met and I was like, I think, I think this is good. I'm not going to be like, he's the one. Like, I would never say that.

I would literally stab myself in the vagina. You say he's your person? I'm not. I would never say that publicly. I would literally never. I might say I'm looking at you and maybe, yes. But I would never say that publicly. I would never want him to feel that secure.

Absolutely not. Oh, God. That's amazing. Do you have any advice for people on being kind of the ultimate classy bitch? because I feel like in L.A. the suburbs, like you know things that I don't know about being classy. I'm from Brooklyn. I smell. And I just want to know kind of how to become that confident, classy bitch. I don't know that I'm classy. This is the word on the street. This is what people are putting in my DMs. What fucking street is that on? I would like to move there. I don't, I'm, this is like such a revelation.

I don't know that I'm classy at all. So I don't know that I'm the authority to be giving any advice. I think I'm very particular and maybe that translates like I'm well I heard you have great taste oh that's also the word in the street that's really nice this is alleged though oh this is yeah we don't know do I have great taste that's I who knows you know what you like I know what I like I'm very manically particular about a setting and you know I listen the pendulum swings both ways I can I can really get my shit together here and there and then I I can also be completely unhinged, like just disgusting. So I think embracing both is classy. Yes. What is your definition? Now I'm just going like hard. What is your definition of a bitch?

Ooh. Okay. So I talked about this recently because I feel like six years ago, I wasn't allowed to use the term cunt, but I feel like cunt is the new bitch. And we changed it to the cunt Bible. We were going to, we talked about changing it to the cunt chronicles, but like doesn't slap on iTunes, and they won't feature me in any fucking any list because of the word bitch and Bible next to each other. Believe me, we've had emails. We've discussed it. Apparently, that's a no-go. But you're not, you're not moving. You're not going to change anything. No, I'm not changing. I might be coming out maybe with some, a new podcast, allegedly. Maybe. We don't know. I'm not sure. We love this. We love this.

Hot tips. Burning and hell. The meaning of a bitch back then might be different. different than now. I've always used the term bitch as a term of endearment. So I think it's like changed over time. If you're like, she's such a fucking bitch. Like I would never use it like that. I use it like in a funny way, like in a lighthearted way. All the women in my family call each other bitches. I just like if I'm really trying to insult someone, I would never even, I would never call them a bitch. I would like slice and dice to the deepest part of their soul and eviscerate them with no like no choice language which i love however when someone uses the word yikes that hits a different part like you could find anything about me but if you just write yikes

yeah on a photo you win you totally win why does that sting so bad because it's you know why it's unbothered it's like does no one else see how like embarrassing this is yanks And then on to the next one. Because if someone, like, puts a full paragraph into why they hate me and I was, I'd been like, you're obsessed with me. But if someone just writes yikes, people are like, we're worried. Yeah. Yikes is condescending.

It's like not as insulting. It's just more like, ooh. It's like, I feel bad for you. It's pity. Which is like, it really stings. But if anyone's like, you fucking ugly stupid bitch. And I'm like, oh my God. You're, this is what I always say to people.

I'm like, do you understand that you're a stranger to me? walk down the fucking sidewalk wouldn't even blink in your direction and you spent all that time to tell me that I'm ugly are you and I also do the thing where I'm like are you cuter because if so

I had a whole I don't know checked out your Instagram and your daughter I'm not going to lie kind of ugly foaming at the mouth I'm just going to say it I always spent but she's fat I love that would look terrible in a bikini could she rock a bikini don't think so yeah i think it's important to like the the self-awareness

if you're going to fucking troll someone oh honey if you call someone ugly you better be fucking like a lot cuter and you need to send photos and then we will conduct a public poll i've been trying i tried this bitch i mean i was going back and forth i was on a vacation and i was spending probably like at least 40 minutes a day going back and forth with this fucking stranger I'm like send me pictures if you're cuter like what are you up to and you're like just checking analytics you know don't worry about it he doesn't even like know what a DM is literally do you get worked up like can do these people get under your skin or is it kind of entertaining for you no i just it depends uh if someone talks about like my husband or like my dog or

something peripheral, then I'll get really fucking pissed or like a friend. But if it's about me, I don't typically care, but I do. I like, sometimes I like to tussle. You know, 2020 was a boring year. So if I find myself at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday sitting on the sofa, arguing with a stranger about who's cuter. I enjoy that. I totally get it. One more from the audience. Do you have a spiritual side or is it bad branding? no I do but like it is it's very off brand I am definitely um you know hashtag grateful but like I'm not gonna talk about that listen I always say I'm like if you want me to get on a podcast and talk about how you know I feel so blessed and my husband and I have a nice life

and I feel very appreciative and a fan you know that's not fucking funny nobody wants to hear that shit. It's boring. It's self-indulgent and it's personal. So, you know, I have no problem talking about me, uh, gluing my vagina shut or like defecating, but like, that's important. It is important. You know, it's a PSA and people should be warned when you buy a wax kit off Amazon. But, you know, I keep like my people that I'm really close to, private besides my husband. Like I don't talk about a lot of personal things because it's close to me and I think that I think that when you do what we do like a podcast or if you're you know whatever on Instagram it's so easy to like lean in to like kind of showboating every aspect of your life and I'm just never going to fucking do

that yeah hard no hard pass it's actually too you're opening up too much in a way that it's like what is this for for for fucking jealous or to make yourself feel better yeah 100% I'm like very protective about certain things so yeah it's that's important but but it's funny because people still think you're an open book but it's like that's what I want to hear about like that time that you were having a bad poop incident over like you just being like so this morning I was just so happy having breakfast with my husband and never and it's just like gag me also you're lying also he was fucking annoying you that whole breakfast yes you guys fought last night It's toxic positivity and I think it's fraudulent and I think also that it's like condescending

and I just think it's really self-indulgent. It's true, but Instagram has made has normalized that that like that's what I mean just the concept of Instagram of girls just posting photos of themselves thinking they look hot. It's like when did that become like mentally like sane? It's insane. It's actually crazy. Like you've made your own photo album. of like imagine if you went to someone's house and it was just a photo album of just them posing

in different outfits you'd be like what the are you good are you okay i just don't you know what's great too is like this new breed of like want to be like not fashion bloggers but like all the outfits every day of like the shoes and then you're jumping and then you're in a different outfit and then you're ingratiating your children into being like props in your matchy outfits like what the fuck is going to going on and who is taking these videos i want to see behind the scenes of your what your kid who's like mom i'm hungry can i have breakfast it's like no you're putting on those sandals and you're fucking jumping when i tell you to like that mommy got a new purse press play like what the

fuck ew it's so weird but but you are still a girl of l.a what is the most l.a thing about you my closet okay okay tell me about it just that like you love brands you love. Listen, it's not lovely. It's not likable. The reason I don't do fucking swipe-ups is because I don't want to get my asshole ripped apart by Mindy in Minnesota for being like, wow, you start that much money on a pair of fucking shoes. I don't know. Maybe that's my insecurity. Maybe I feel like I need to validate myself with things. I'll talk to a therapist about it. I don't know. Half of the shit I don't even wear. But it makes me feel like I've accomplished something. And I find, uh, I find gratification in material.

things and it's disgusting and I'm ashamed of it but I and it's terrible and it's completely LA bullshit, you know, surface level, whatever, all the stereotypes. But it makes me happy. I love that for you. You could be doing heroin in someone's basement right now. That's what I tell my husband all the time. And I buy all my own shit so he doesn't get to say a fucking word. And I just say let. Yes. Yes. Fuck yes. I got a guy before like I'll buy something. He's like, why don't you wait for me? I'll get it for you. I'm like, you can figure out your own thing that you want to get me from your mind because I know what I want, but this is your job. It's a thought of it. I can't just tell you what to get. Don't you hate when dudes do that?

My husband does that all the time too. Like, I would have, I wanted to guide you that. And I'm like, then why didn't you, bitch? I don't care. Pay the mortgage. I'll buy the bags. Let's not talk about it. Take the trash out. Yeah. We're going to wrap up with a final game. You're doing incredible in hell, but I knew you would because you're a cunt. Let's play the Seven Deadly Sins. Ooh, okay. Seven Deadly Sins.

What are you greedy about? Money. I love what you yelled it. I am a little snaky, slithery Jew. Wait, so would you rather be famous and like, okay, in terms of money or like loaded no one knows you are um loaded in nobody knows who i am that would be my fucking dream are you kidding me i don't want anyone to know it like i know it sounds like a lie but i'm dead serious i that would be the fucking dream what do you think about um rest in peace biggie smalls who said

more money more problems i i disagree so you're disagree with biggie smalls i love him love him dearly RIP. I mean, I'm, you know, West Coast, so I have to go Tupac. But, um, I disagree. Someone recently came out with the article, like, studies show money actually causes more happiness. And people were like, no shit. Like, are you fucking joking? And I should preface. I'm not greedy with money, but I care about it. And I can, business wise, I think that it's important for people to get what they deserve beyond. And then some. Do you have any tips for negotiating? knowing your value like having those awkward money conversations as a woman yes always be willing to walk away lay your dick on the fucking table don't ever in an email be like i just feel like hey

with all the exclamation just checking in cut the filler out keep it one hondo direct to the source if you feel like someone's fucking with you or not paying you what you deserve say no and i know it's a luxury to be able to be like fuck that and also you know sometimes a gal's got to do weird shit for a buck i'm not saying sexually non-consensually i'm saying you know listen do i have to promote shitty products on instagram once in a blue moon yeah but i negotiated a check for it and mommy needs a new bag and it's embarrassing and i know i'm with you i get it i'm looking my buttholes quivering i'm mortified if i had the opportunity to make the same amount of money doing something honorable i'd do that instead but I don't the honesty is so beautiful um who are you envious of um I'm really like I'm

really really really not a jealous person at all like I'm I have a lot of terrible terrible qualities my only great quality is that I'm literally the least jealous I don't have a jealous bone in my body I'm I'm jealous of where do you think that stems from I don't know just staying in my lane and like being like I don't know happy like I don't get like yeah I don't I don't everyone there's always going to be someone cuter or more successful or thinner or whatever than you I think the second that you just realize that you like who cares stay in your fucking lane like what what does that person have to do with you? You're also more successful every time you're the time you're taking comparing yourself or whatever

is the time that you could be further in your own lane. Yeah. It's hurting yourself. It's like an anchor around your ankle. It's so pathetic and it says nothing about the other person. Like those people that you're looking up to are like wishing they were someone else too. So just calm it down. Yeah.

And it's like that doesn't, it's only hindering your own functionality to be like, oh my God. That proves me this my money and he had the cutest kid. And like shut up. Nobody cares. It's so fucking pathetic and basic. I love that voice. Okay, besides your bags and other whatever the fuck is in your closet, what are you gluttonous about? Oh.

What do you overindulge in? Um, I mean, my vice is definitely the shopping thing when I'm having a bad day, when I'm anything, when I'm celebrating, when I'm not celebrating, when I'm sad. I get tinkles in my vagina when I buy shit. I don't know what that is. I love it. What do your go-to places to buy shit? I do a lot of online stuff. I like forward.

I like not a portrait. You know, I like all of that shit. What's your opinion on like the real real or like rebag or those kind of like vintage? I think it's awesome. I got this from the Real Real. I just bought this. Oh, cool. Yeah.

Yeah, because I recently have like I'm not at the point where I'm like buying real as many bags as I can. But I'm like, oh, I could look at a once or twice more and one. I think that's genius. And I think it's very sustainable because I'm a woman of the world. And I think it's absolutely, I think it's fucking great. I love it. And sometimes I feel like going vintage, you don't get the thing that everyone else is wearing

and you can find kind of something cool. Totally. Well, two cents. I like martinis too. That's my other thing. I don't overdo it, but I definitely like, sometimes I'm like, ugh, I'm having the worst day and I just want like a big old slippery dick bowl of pasta and like the three martinis. How do you drink your martini?

like bone dry not dirty so it's basically just vodka have martini hold everything but the vodka hold the olives hold the vermouth and make it clean have it dirty but the opposite when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger like when was the last time you lost your damn mind um like yesterday pretty much every single day I mean I have like small like I get really angry I'm still angry about a parking lot

altercation that I had 11 months ago like I I can tap into getting angry about basically anything I really lost my mind I really lost my mind yesterday about I don't really remember what it was it could have been like a grocery delivery who knows and then i lost my mind on my husband on

sunday i love that you said tap in because that's kind of how with reality tv i could just live my life and then just have a memory of a back and forth that i had over the summer with someone i'm just like oh now i need to be pissed for the next three hours and rethink that conversation in my head and it's like it's performed anxiety i think just to like look shower fights oh i fucking love a shower fight i like get out of the shower and i have like 10 new things to say oh that's great I love that. Do you and your, yeah, the shampoo bottles are shaking. Do you and your husband have like a good fight chemistry?

Like how do you, um, how do you guys fight? What's your like go to? Our fight chemistry is terrible. It's basically me fighting with myself, um, which it's really, by the way, that's how I'm so good a fucking not so good. But that's how I can podcast solo because I'm having conversations with myself bitching all the fucking time. He has, he's been training me for years.

I are our fight chemistry is absolutely terrible I lose my fucking mind he stays cool calm and collected which enrages me more then he'll say something supportive slash in my head passive aggressive but he really is being genuine he'll be like it's okay honey it's all good and I'll be like oh is it good and then I just fucking unload and then I get it all out of my system and then I'm like calm cool and collected but it it yeah it's terrible it's but it's but it sounds like it's a cycle that you guys have come to terms with. He knows probably how long it's going to take. He does. He knows when you start to turn for the better. He knows he just has to buckle up for the ride. He's like, I got three and a half more minutes of this cycle and then

she'll calm down. And then I like, I come back like a puppy and I'm like, sorry that you're such an asshole. And he's like, okay. Like, and I won't apologize ever. I love freaking out about something later on being like, I think I was just hungry. And it's like, did you have to come for, like, my whole family? I'd be like, I just realized I forgot to have breakfast that morning, so forget what I said. It's like, honestly, Andrew, like, if I don't get eight hours of sleep, like, I just, it does something to my brain chemistry, okay? I had nine hours and, like, when, it's just too much sometimes. You were supposed to wake me up, but it's okay.

Next time, next time we'll be fine. I forgive you. I forgive you. This is good because I'm, like, newly in a relationship, and my, comedy. I don't think it's suffered, but I'm definitely like, I used to just destroy men and now I'm like, wait, some men are good. So this is good for me to explore, like, the stuff that happens within the relationship. When was the last time you were a sloth? I'm pretty lazy all the time. I always say, like, I only give things about 40% on my best day. Like, I set the bar

super low because then, you know, maybe one day I'll have to kick it up a couple notches and really surprised people I am a sloth I like can't stay indoors like I physically jump out of my skin I have to like I'll go sit in parking lots and listen to serious like I just can't stay inside my house like I I lose my mind but I'm very I don't know if this is sloth like but I'm very disgusting in my car oh I've heard about the car eating the car eating is a thing that I've always done I don't because I like, you know, the birds and whatever. I feel very safe in my car. And it's disgusting.

Like there is a piece of salmon pokey that has been stuck under my passenger seat for six months. And I can't get to it. I'm actually disgusting as well. I recently was eating pancakes in bed as one does. And sorry, Kylie Kendall Jenner. She's so triggered. Yeah. I know.

So, and I naturally got syrup. on the floor. So what I did was I took a tissue as one does. And I just put it on top of it. Just to let myself know that's where the syrup is. Don't step on it. Cresty. And now let's move forward with her life.

Yeah. And when there's a fruit fly problem, blame someone else. Wasn't you. Wasn't me. Who's that? Don't know her. When was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something? Every single day.

I love what the answer to every question has been literally every moment. I can be a real dick like in business conversations and I like that though I kind of like it you know I just have tried it out a couple times like kind of like looking at myself in the mirror I'm like you can do fuck shit up

fuck these people they're roaches okay they fucking they're using you like I really like will get into a headspace especially because I don't have anyone in my family from entertainment so I have been told my entire life that they're roaches they're snakes they're skeezy these people will the industry the industry i like come from like a bunch of fucking corporate like finance jews so

like this town yeah they will trust a soul everybody's a whore you know the whole thing so i can be i won't give a blowjob if they ask i'll think about it depends um we like we literally just need your numbers for accounting right now and you're like don't you dare for a blow job brutal like not brutal but I can just be very um like overly uh like aggressive and it's kind of not rude but I'll be like I'm not doing like fuck these people I don't give a shit this is ridiculous these people don't know what the I like to I like to constantly like talk shit about like network executives and like oh they're antiquated network like wow they really they're really killing the game fuck these people I'm not doing it and they're like no but you need to you need to do it

And I'm like, no, I don't. I'll think on it. You know, like, I can be like a real dick. But I think it's good to come in hot. But it's also so great because people be like, oh, I want people to know my value. But you can't just have people read your mind. Like, that's just business. People are going to pay you the least they can.

So once you actually decide what your value is, it's funny because I, I'm so bad negotiating. Like, I would literally be like, you have a family. I don't have kids. You can keep the money. I'll pay you. I'll pay you. Yeah, but I, so well, it's nice that now I have, like, management. that I get to like talk tough to like I love talking tough and then in a moment being like I'm sorry

but I do think it's important that like once you stand for something you don't know what people are going to say until you ask for it but if you never ask for it it it's never going to happen you know how bethany frankle says you have to come from a place of yes oh I love that I think you should come from a place of no there's a lot of power in saying no to things yeah you actually feel so much more respected even though it feels good it feels good to just and then those people where you stand, what your boundaries are. It's called boundaries, which is something I'm working on. By the way, I also hawk loob on Instagram, so I'm in no position to be giving it to be saying anything of value. Yeah, but it's, if you're hawking loob for a good amount of money, I'm proud of you. Also, yeah, all I do is

sex toys. Ooh, I have not, I haven't been offered this. Sex story business is great because so many blackers don't want to do it because it's like off brand for them. And I'm just like, put me the dildos. feel better i'm just like i have so many dildos and like different other brands were like oh we love what you did with this brand could we and i was like yeah send me more and um here we are someone made a joke like yeah and you're slinging dildos on instagram trying to insult me and i was like you don't pay my bills yeah also clearly you haven't had orgasm in a while that's why you're coming for me exactly final question when was the last time you lusted over someone so besides andrew do you have like a celebrity crush or like someone who works at the supermarket you're in love with

Well, I saw a really hot homeless guy last month. No joke. By the way, he's under the 405. I was like, holy fuck, that guy is hot. Like, so hot. And so bad boy. Like, doesn't give a fuck. Zero fuck.

Like, he was definitely homeless, but, like, he could also have, like, an oceanfront, Venice, a palace. We don't know. He also could be a creative director. Yes. Yes. He had that kind of look super hot. I lest over my dog. Leo basically every single day.

I am a pioneer woman, an activist, if you will, to make bestiality legal because some dogs are just hot. Dogs need love too. I literally tweeted a couple months ago, have you ever had a crush on a dog? But like I've seen some dogs that have like swag that I'm like, that dog.

I'm sorry. I'm just going to, I just have this handy. Are you fucking kidding me? It's a poor, it's a hand-painted portrait. A hand-painted portrait. Gorgeous. It's also. like how they carry themselves sometimes the biggest dick energy my shitsuit he's 11 pounds okay

he's packing a fucking tick tack for a dick but his energy is like he has a anaconda for a penis yeah and granted little does he know that he needs to take you for granted or he wouldn't get fed or he would just live in his own shit however he still is like i don't need you all the time yeah and that's the kind of love i want someone who doesn't need me but wants me. Yeah, it's hot. So Jackie, you've done amazing in hell. I knew you would. We're going to wrap this up with a final, final question of what would you tell your listeners on what to do to cope with your hell when you're going through it? Ooh, okay, if you're going through hell, first of all, you know, everything is temporary. It's a big bad world out there.

So buckle the fuck up. Stop complaining. Get your shit together. Have a martini. put a sparkly top on and keep it fucking moving or get a journal or get a self-help book Jackie where can people follow you watch you buy tickets to see you give me the goods my podcast is the bitch Bible miss you should skip the most recent episode it's not good and you can find me on Instagram at Jackie Schimmel that's it well thanks for coming to hell you guys screenshot your favorite parts tag us rate review swipe up i don't go fuck i love you guys and i'll talk to you later in hell bye