Berner Phone - Jared Freid: Reality TV & The Ghost

Episode Date: March 20, 2019

Jared Freid fights with Hannah over a cupcake, explains what it's like to diet as a male, how to show your date your authentic self, why jared is so fascinated with The Bachelor, why he quit his corporate job, when you should cry after sex, the rules of cuddling after sex, whether jared would want Kris Jenner as his manager, and why it’s hard to enjoy vacation. LIVE SHOW (use the code BERN for 50% off): http://www.carolines.com/comedian/berning-in-hell-live-podcast/ Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz Follow Jared Freid on Instagram & Twitter: @jaredfreid --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the burning Welcome to the dark depths of hell I'm your host Hannah Burner And today we are with comedian Jared Freed What up? Oh, now you're excited to see me. Now you're excited. No, what do you want me to do?

Do you want to fight this whole time or do you want to get along? What do you want to do? You want to offer me a cupcake? and then judge my mentality on cupcakes? What an uncomfortable thing to do so, somebody? I'm Italian. No, no, no, no. Food is loved to me.

Italian doesn't mean that turning down a cup. Oh, you're on a diet then. What an uncomfortable? What if I said that to a woman? Oh, would you like, there's cupcakes out? Oh, no cupcakes? Oh, so you want to lose a bunch of weight? What's going on in your brain?

It's fucking Tuesday. I don't want a cupcake. Can I be honest with you? I don't want a cupcake on a Wednesday. I'm going to be honest with you. with you. I was worried because you look so skinny. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Don't do the false. You wear a lot of layers. This is a lie. This is a lie. Don't, when you offer someone a

cupcake and they say, no, I'm good. And then you go, well, what's going? Now it's a part of my mental state. No, it's Wednesday at 5 o'clock. I don't want, this is not cupcake. It's that Sunday I'm hung over, just throw the day away hour. This is turned into my I'm asking you to be honest Don't do that to people Jared That's an obnoxious thing You are 100% right

Because if I was in your shoes I would have done the same thing I would have said what the fuck Yeah why do you have to question Do you want bread at the table? No no bread Are you sure? No, I'm never fucking sure

If I don't want the bread I just had a 30 minute conversation With myself about why I don't want bread And now I'm gonna talk to like The Busboy about why I don't want Are you sure? No, leave the butter I'll eat that

I'll eat it off the fucking floor is as a female when I get a good ass steak and I eat that steak because I earn that steak and I want that steak The waiter if I finish it will always make a comment like oh look who is hungry They're doing that to everybody as a human Or is it because I'm a girl who like

You can believe whatever you want Based on your own Perspective Oh okay we're throwing the eye word around But I'm saying that everyone is doing it on their own thing When you offer me a cupcake I go No I got my own fucking issues But then when you say, well, whoa, is it a diet?

I'm not here to discuss, you know, why I don't want a cupcake at 5 o'clock on a Wednesday. If you want a cupcake at 5 o'clock on a Wednesday, you have no issues. You have no body issues. You have no food issues. You don't even know. I can't even relate to you as a human being. Oh, 5 o'clock Wednesday cupcake? Yeah, sure.

I'll have half of it. And then bring the other half home and have it at a reasonable hour tomorrow. That's how people with no issues act. Okay. People with food issues go, no, I am not having a cupcake because I just had my meal at 430 and my next meal is at 7.30 and I'm not trying, I'm trying not to eat after 8 o'clock. I feel like I triggered you. Again, it's on my fault.

Take the loss. Did you have a bad experience with a cupcake as a child? I had a bad experience with all food every day of my entire life. You know what, this is great. We're getting to the meat of it, no pun intended. But people don't understand that. Why not? Because they don't have to.

But I want to understand you There's nothing to understand What you should understand Is that if somebody at 5 o'clock on a Wednesday He says now I'm good on the cupcake Then to say well what's the Are you trying to What's what's wrong

What did your mom do to you growing up? Why don't I just let this be about a cupcake And then we'll do the podcast But whatever you want to do And that's it On your birthday I'm going to send you so many fucking cupcakes Yeah and I eat it

Because it's my fucking birthday and that's not the day that you're looking to start your new regimen. You know what, Jared? I try to live every day like it's my birthday. Yeah. Those people can get the fuck out. I love your mood today. I'm here.

I've done 20 podcasts already. Welcome. Yeah, sorry for trying to save my voice for when we started. I know. He came in just kind of whispering at me and I was like, this energy is going to suck if it's how you are during the podcast. And then he came in hot and you know what? J-Train brings it wherever he goes.

Whenever, when the camera lights go on, I know we've got to start the show. Do you feel more alive when you're performing? Is that when you're happiest? Do I feel more alive? Like, is it when you feel your happiest, your most joyful? No, I like when I like my most joyful is not that. I like making people laugh.

That's the goal. Funny for money. Done. Simple as that. But is your happiest place, like, alone with your... No, my happiest place is shorts, sweatshorts on, no shirt, phone in front of me, TV in front of me, looking at my phone, looking at the TV, looking at the phone, looking the TV, and then eating something wrong before going to bed and hugging a pillow.

That's my happy place. I love that. I don't need anybody else for that to happen, and that's probably the reasons I'm having troubles with the relationship. You have to, like, somehow work in a girl with the phone and TV. Well, Jared Freed, you can find him on Instagram at Jared Fried, right? Yeah, that was it. I think we're going to have to wrap this up.

Is there a cupcake now to end it with? At Jared Freed on Instagram. At Jared Fried, F-R-I-E-D. Wrong. F-R-E-I-D. I was about to say, it is spelled like fried, but it's not. It's not. Jared Fried.

I should know that. I'm sorry. Now I feel bad. I didn't feel bad about the cupcake. I don't get cut off in name spelling issues. You get cut up about cupcakes. Absolutely. One was meant to bring down and hurt and scar someone, and one was with no malice, no issues, no other.

I think it's important to realize that men get triggered by food as much as women. do but it's not as socially accepted. I asked if you were dieting because I was kind of testing you to see what your sensitivities were. I'm always on a diet. Anyone who's dealt with weight issues their whole life is always... So were you a fat kid? I was overweight, but I'd been 50 pounds heavier or 50 pounds lighter than whatever you see right now. So to me, you know, everyone has their own comfort levels. So do you want, what's your ideal weight? I want to wear a t-shirt comfortably, you know, without tugging at a t-shirt. That's my ideal position in life. Have you been there before?

Of course. I have no aspirations for more or less than that. Are you happier when you're that weight? Is life better? No, because it's always on your mind. It's never enough. Because then it becomes sustaining it. Well, yeah.

Eating is an addiction. Eating is you're brought up with that. Like it's... I mean, the Jewish culture, food is a beautiful bonding experience. Yeah, but I don't want to blame those things. I have to deal with it in my own way. Like, to say, like, the people are like, well, it's because I'm Jewish. It's like, no, you can't stop eating after 8 p.m.

Jared, you got to stop eating after 8 p.m. And then you'll be, you'll be fine. If I stopped eating after 8 p.m., I wouldn't have any issues. I could drink as much as I want, but every time I get drunk, it's like an acceptance. Now you're allowed to eat because you're like, oh, you're drunk. Yeah. So it's like, so. But you realize it's not about the food.

Well, I mean, you can connect it in whatever way you want. As in you said, you're comforting. yourself from whatever kind of anxiety you're dealing with or you're just like you know I want to eat in the privacy of my own life I when I get enjoyment out of food am I just comforting myself you know there's all the issues that go into what's the weirdest diet you ever did I've never really done a fad no I mean there's nothing never like grapefruit and syracia for no more like I've always tried to stick to like meals every few hours and I'll do like tablespoons of peanut butter as like a snack and like that would be weird to someone and to me I'm just like no I'm just

like taking the medicine do you know that like so many girls think you're hot like they like your body the way it is I'm fine with that I appreciate that but they you know like I've said that on my podcast everyone's a foot to someone people whack off to feet so you're someone's foot like if someone's out there being like look at that thumb toe you're like okay wow fucking there's people that are into your fat body. Do you know, so you're, I prefer a dad bod, the F word. I hate dad bod, I hate that.

Why? I hate the cool up of fucking health issues. I mean, I fucking hate it. I'm like, why did men get allowed to like brag about their chub, you know? So you're clearly a little critical about your own body. Are you, do you find yourself critical

about like women's bodies as well when you date them? No. No, no, no, no. Like you have your type and your objective. I'm into what I'm into. I've always been into curvy chicks. I've always been into like,

Girls with an ass and boobs. I've said mean things just as an immature. I'm not above that. We all say mean things. But I, you know, I like to think, like, I've made fun of people on The Bachelor for the, you know, the body type for, like, being assless. My body has been, like, in the beginning of my life was just a vehicle for me. Like, as an athlete, I was like, I need to not be hungry. I need to have the energy.

I need to have the muscle. And, like, I never thought of my body as, like, a sexual thing and chill around, like, later than most girls. because I was just caring about, like, winning a tennis tournament. That was where my ego was. And then I realized, like, guys who like me like muscular, more curvy women. And I guess, like, I have boyfriends who, when I lose weight, they're like, oh, you lost your ass. And my girlfriend's like, you look so good, honey. Yeah.

But at the end of the day, yeah, you're right. Everyone has their own preferences. Everyone's got their own thing. But you could never get to a point where people wouldn't recognize you, I don't think. You mean I would never let myself go there? Yeah, I just think that you're, what you're. said before as far as like innately you've trained yourself this is all starts as children like you know my family we would eat in six minutes that's not we would look at the clock before dinner

and then look at it after and six minutes have gone by so it was a that's not a community thing yeah that's not a healthy amount of time they say it takes you 10 minutes to realize you're full so if you're eating in six minutes that's four minutes to really fucking kill yourself you ever do on those apps that's supposed to help you eat slower that those always feel like I'd be a crazy person like like chew 11 times some people will say a chew 11 times and you're like this is the rest of my life just oh it's sick that's how I'm living that's how I'm going on dates hey nice to meet you speaking of dates sure you've always been the single man who gives great relationship advice to people I mean great is a strong word but like you try your best

but now you're in a relationship and it's interesting you roll in and you're just You're dealing with normal relationship stuff. What's hard about being in a relationship that you didn't expect? You'd be single for a minute. I was always in and out of things. I wasn't really out there being like I'm in a relationship, you know, whatever. But I'm in a relationship now. And I think the difference to me is that you have to deal with shit.

You know, you couldn't just like make a mess and leave the hotel. You know, this is a home. You guys are trying to create a mental home together. It's like, you're going to be, you're going to be asked to clean the house at some point. Wow, I love these metaphors. I love metaphors. And what's true is, if you have a mental house that you don't have certain space for him or space for her, that shit has his issues. They see it.

They go, well, you keep putting me in the fucking guest bedroom. It sounds like your girlfriend has the balls to call you out, though. Yeah, I think she's, you know, she lets me know when she's mad and upset. And I think anyone should do that. Like I think people, a lot of times with people that are writing into the podcast, either one of them, it's they're afraid to hear the honest truth. You know, you ever watch The Survivor? Yeah. You know how he spends like a lot of the movie trying to get past that first wave and then he gets out to see?

Once you get past that first wave of like, you like you, we're together. Then it's like, okay, now there's a whole ocean to go through. You're navigating the waters. Now you've got to really navigate it. So once you're over that hump, it's like, yeah, now you're going to hear about, you know, why I'm upset today and why, you know, And you're going to have to deal with that and you're going to have to, you know, I need my time too. When you're upset, you can't just come to me with your issues. I got to hear my, I'm having my day too and you're going to stay here on text with me to make me feel better.

And it's like you can't just be like, hey, I'm busy. And yeah, it's not like Instagram where you get to just show them all your positive sides. They're living the day with you emotionally. Yeah. And you get to see some, so you learn some stuff about each other that you might not know. But you said something important earlier that let the people know ASAP what they're going to learn about you. the longer you hide anything. Yeah, be yourself is just like so like the more you know in NBC.

Yeah. It's like, but be, you know, I, like I told you, we went, we flew back from Boston. I got bumped up to first class and she went to coach and I was like, goodbye. And it's like love it or leave it. Like I'm not not going to have the china. But you guys are setting the boundaries. I'm setting the boundaries for what I, this is what I am. It's okay to leave.

This is. When I was younger, I'd get so excited to be like, I'm going to be such a good girlfriend. Like there's all these stereotypes that girlfriend suck or whatever I'm like I'm gonna be the coolest girlfriend And then six months in I'm losing my mind And I'm like I hate this I don't like when you do that because I didn't speak up for myself And he doesn't know he was resenting the person

Oh and he didn't know I was doing anything wrong Because I was like sure I'll wait up for you till 2 a.m But then there's the other side of that So there's like you know we were talking about the show dating around There's a girl in episode one of dating around Where she spends the whole episode professing what she is She's like I eat with my mouth open And I don't care.

That's corny. Can you handle this? I don't like it. And it's like, why don't you show B before you tell? Also, her telling is teach, like if you read between the lines, it's a defense mechanism. It's a defense mechanism. So she's just showing she's insecure and she's trying to show him and hide things that she doesn't want him to see. And it's one of those things that's tough to disagree with now because it's like, oh, you don't like a strong woman.

It's like, no, I don't like annoying fucking people who have to announce what they are before. And, well, I can fucking take away that you chew with your mouth open like a fucking cow. Like, I don't need you to tell me. And then make it this empowerment moment that it actually isn't. Oh, you're rude. Oh, I don't want to be able with a rude person. I used to obsess about, like, I hope I say the right thing. Or, like, if I say this or that, if I make him laugh, he'll like me.

I like to think that there's an energy that's just happening underneath the words that, like, if we were just, you know, cavemen, just like, you either feel it or you don't. Yeah. And I think that's the problem with being vulnerable on a date and not telling, well, I'm the girl that does this and I'm the guy who can't be told to be that. And it's like the minute you don't do those things is the minute you're being vulnerable

and that they might turn you down for who you are. Also, we're in our late 20s. We don't actually know who we are. Like I like being with people that bring out new sides to me and I'm like, oh, I didn't know I liked that or I didn't know I fucking hated that. Yeah. I think it's all like just a shield for getting turned down.

And I understand that. Like, listen, I don't want to have. I can eat a cupcake and I don't want to be questioned on it. So I understand the idea of like vulnerability is tough. It's tough to go on a date with someone. It's tough to introduce yourself. It's tough to know who you are. You want to be.

And the other thing is you're meeting these people out of the blue. You're meeting them from Instagram or apps or whatever it might be. It's not someone pumping you up a lot of times in these city date situations. And they come in cynical anyway. They're like, what's this bozo going to do? Sure. What's this better than the last one where I fucking got ghosted? So it's like, you know, you don't have like an aunt being like,

ugh, they're really nice, great family, so much fun. He loves to ski. He loves to do that. And you're going, oh, there's a picture being painted. You have to do that on your own. So you have to go on the date that you met off the app and go, well, I'm this and I'm that and I'm interesting and I'm fun. And it's like all of us are just mad.

And I hope, true, true. It's about finding the right me that's right with you. Yeah, it's just going to fit. You've got to find a foot. And I just hope you don't have to force it that hard. No pun intended. Speaking of dating, sure.

You love The Bachelor. I love The Bachelor. Okay, well, The Bachelor ends next week. I'm going to Kuwait next week. So I'll be watching from the deserts of Kuwait. You are so committed to your live tweeting of The Bachelor. You can't. I do live stories now.

Ending stories. I've moved the operation from Twitter to Instagram. Like no more Twitter? I kind of tweet before, but I really go live stories. Is that where most of your engagement is? I'm just a better comedian as far as, like, like hearing me and like you know kind of like me ranting that's kind of what I do yeah Twitter was always good because I was I have a I think I have a good perspective on the show yeah but I was like

let me give her this shot let me you know you got a change to grow yeah that whole things so I brought the I started doing it on stories where I would just videotape the screen and I would yell at the screen and then underneath and you get the visual it makes it better it makes it better and I would underneath and plus I play with the medium a little bit I try to like post pictures loving like I said that like a cat Hannah G's mom looked like she spoke to ghosts and I said that she looked like Mrs. Doubtfire. And you called Hannah-Gie

a Bratz doll, right? She looks like a Brat's doll. So I post a picture for a Brat's doll. Be like, oh, I found Hannah-Gee's waiting for Colton here. And it's like you can play with it in a I'm trying to expand the media. I just want to say that when you speak about The Bachelor, your eyes light up. It's the best show on TV. There's no better

show. I'm fascinated by what authentically brings people joy because we hate so much shit nowadays. Sure. You, the Bachelor brings you joy. I love The Bachelor because, first of all, it's well done. It's the best production of TV. Besides Summerhouse, continue. Besides, obviously, Summer House.

I, but I think it's the best, it's, they have the best producers, they have the best writers, they have the best, like, they move, we know the story from day one, and they just redo the story. And they got to move quick and fast. And I've been doing this my whole life. I've been watching female-driven shows with my female, friends and just not shutting up. So now I don't have to bother them. I do it on my own.

And I've been doing this a long time. Like I used to do this with like friends in high school and in college. You're an expert at this point. Somewhat. A connoisseur, if you will. A person with a loud opinion. So the bachelor's an easy to hate show. You will not, and we, the kind of the internet now works in easy opinion.

Yeah. It's very easy to come out there and go, I hate the bachelor. or a thousand retorts. It's a very easy opinion. On the big side, if you look at it from the wide angle view, it's 30 women after one men and then they get married to then. You're like, yeah, this is stupid. But you have to look at it in small moments.

And the small moments are very real. Yeah. The Colton Cassie breakup moment before he jumps the fence. That's a breakup all of us have been through where you like someone, where you like someone, but you know there's no future. So you don't want to waste their time. But you still have. that like lingering attraction to them in your mind in your body you're like I could keep this going

actually forever I could really this person's good but not great for me yeah and they're telling you I love you I am here and you're told that you want love and they're saying I'm giving you what people want and you're like oh my god I have to throw away a good hand even though this hand isn't going to work for me that's why love is so hard there's so many good hands but this is why the bachelor's great We're watching it happen. We're watching Cassie literally look at him and go, literally say to him, I love you as she's ending it.

Yeah. And you're like, we've all been there. I've all ended good relationships. Oh. So that's why the Bachelor's great. Is that that moment where I can make fun of that and talk about that

and kind of just relate that to my own life and watch that I'm not alone. I have been there. And also the Bachelor is self-deprecating. They get to laugh at themselves. They know the stupid moments, but there's those little touches of like reality gold. That's a thing.

And you can make fun of those. moments and then you come back to it. Like I had when I did my live story, there was like I did like a three minute rant about breakups just about why, you know, you feel for Cassie, you want to make fun of her. You're like, you have this great guy who's like here to love you. And all of us are putting ourselves in her shoes. We're all being like, well, I have no love. No one wants me.

How could she turn down this great guy? Well, most people who end those relationships that are good not, that are good and kind of like blindside someone is because they're after a ghost. Cassie, I don't know what the ghost is I'm not sure if the ghost is like Ered Carpet or being a blogger or being a The Bachelorette. I don't know what that ghost is

But she believes that ghost is better than the thing she has now Or a boy or a guy. I also think she's 23 And her life is moving too fast In terms of a guy's about to propose When she's like, I could have any dude I want Sure I'm taking the first guy

But she also might I mean I don't think she's like I don't think it's like dudes I don't think she's like, got all this dick in my DM. Like, I don't think that's like her thing. I'm such a dude how I think. I'm like, the dicks in the DM.

I think it's more. And then she blames, she's like, well, I don't want to take away this engagement from you. It's like, no, no, no, no. He likes you. He'll do whatever you want to do. Also, when I was 23, I would break up with guys if my mom literally just sent me a text and was like, I don't like him. Yeah. So I think her dad, who she clearly loves and is so easily manipulated by.

Nothing's manipulating her, but like, he told her his opinion. she's going to let this stranger give her a... The dad also seems like he's from a marriage that started very early. When people get married very early, like the dad, I'm assuming, did. They believe this, like, Disney fairy tale romance version of love. Yeah, did you believe what he said,

you'll know and there'll be no doubt in your mind? I think he had a very little empathy. I think he's looking through the rear view marriage. There's always doubt in your mind. My parents have a perfect great marriage, and my dad's like, you never really know. Absolutely not. I don't buy what he was selling.

And I think he, you know, they're a very religious family, it seems like. It's like it seems like they got, he got married to his wife very young. So he's going to say, my experience is the experience. And he's saying to his art, well, you should know. And it's like, I don't think that's how it works. It's okay to be unsure, but it's also okay to go, let's have a long engagement. Like to him. Colton even offered it.

He goes, we don't have to get engaged after that. And she still didn't want to. Exactly. So she's also still after the ghost. And it's like a lot of people related to her own. lives. I've ended relationships very quickly where it's been like we're together four months and it's like everything's going great. I'm like I know we're not going to get married and I'll go in it and I'll go yeah I don't they'll go well do you want to fuck other women it's like that's not why this is

happening but that will happen. It's the ghost. I don't know. The ghost is sometimes your intuition too that just whispering like you don't really need this. Yeah there's something better. I don't know what better is but it's out there and it's not you and me and that's hard. Nine out of ten people date aren't the one, the 10th one ends in divorce, 50% of the time. So, good luck out there. So it's tough, but that's why I like the bachelor. I think The Bachelor

is a great fodder for us to take the responsibility off of us and comment on people that have put themselves in that way. And your comedy is interesting because I feel like both men and women get your comedy. Like there's a lot of male comedians that women wouldn't necessarily.

Like, was that on purpose that you found this humor? Like I don't think that I don't see comedians being like, what's the marketing tactic to get the most laughs? No, I mean, I just was always looking like I worked with total frat move and Bro Bible. Yeah. It never was, uh, I was just like, here's what I do. Whoever likes it come to my island. So I would always do stuff with other website. And I understood like the one thing marketing wise, I was like, okay, I can do, I can work on stand up at night during the day. Let's see if I can match up with companies that have a follow. and see who will join me from that following.

And, you know, now it's, we do the U.S. podcast with Betches. Like, there are people there that, like, I'm sure they like the podcast. And they're like, I've had enough of Jared for the dead. You know, but, like, the people that I've connected with, like, people see who comes to the shows, and it's, like, majority women. It's, like, 80% women. And, like, you know, comics and guys, men will just, the first thing they think of is sex, so they'll go, man, you must be swimming in tears.

I've heard comedians been like, bro, Jared Fried must pull chicks. It's not that. It's more, and I've said this a bunch of times, but it's more like family. Like, you know, the people that come to show, they could be my cousin, friend that I grew up with. Does your girlfriend understand that? Or do you have to, like, explain it to her? No, she sees it. You know, the people that come to shows are like, they're more just into what I'm doing.

And, like, that's why I've had fun with that. I know a lot of, there's some comics out there. I remember I opened for this one guy. I went for this one guy and he like hated his fans and he's like they're all a bunch of bros and I was like yeah but they're your fan you're a part of that

you have to admit to that do I know who you're talking about? Anyone would if I said the name but I remember we were walking through the club to go somewhere else and one of these guys just comes out to him and like hit someone on the show and was like dude

and this guy was angry and I'm like dude this is that person is putting money in your pocket that and also like you know maybe he hates himself and he can't accept you're the one making the jokes yeah like sorry people like that like this is who likes them yeah

so I did a show once and this girl was like we were going to do a live podcast and she was like backstage and I had her on as a guest to be on the live podcast yeah this was in not in New York it was out of town and I remember she was like fucking look at these basic fucking bitches and I'm like

that's my family you're talking about yeah I was like it kind of hurts you because they're they're connected to you yeah absolutely i took offense to it i was like first of all there's nothing better than being basic okay nobody this whole idea of being a basic being a negative thing was created by a girl who's from the same town as me who just wants to separate herself from the hometown because she's so self-conscious about her life being good and she's probably basic herself exactly she's separating herself by making herself the enemy so they so she's sitting there going gonna fuck these bitch you know a bunch of bitch and i'm like

and I said her I go stop I go these are all good people You ever like like someone just because they like you That's so I feel like I don't care who the fuck likes me I'm like I like that you like well I do I appreciate anyone who like Will take the time of their day to come to enjoy my stuff Whatever it is so like a lot of times like

Someone will send me like ha ha ha I answer every DM So I answer every day I try to also I appreciate that you do too Whether it's a heart but I'll send a lot of time I'll just send a heart Yeah, you send me hard sometimes So I'm like, it's not a demeaning Some people take that it's like No, it's an acknowledgement of I got you

I got you And it's never meant as anything more or less than that Some people can't just walk away from that Oh, you're just send me a heart And it's like Maybe they're trying to get conversation with you I guess so or trying to like And like sometimes people send me

Their long winded rants And they'll think because like It sounds a little bit like something I've done in the past And I'll go, okay Like I if I wanted your account I'd follow you. My problem with DMs is sometimes

I'm just responding. I'm not clicking and seeing who you are. And then I'll have people who think that they're establishing a relationship but I'm not following you and then you're like giving me updates on this guy you're seeing and I'm like forgetting what it is and then I feel guilty. So there's boundaries you have to get but like at the end of day you want to respond to everyone

because like that's connecting. Yeah and I want to let people know like I do any like listen no one needs me to do comedy. No one needs me to have a podcast. No one needs me to have an Instagram account. I do it for me. and the fact that people come in and want to be a part of that fucking awesome it's it's very touching to me but it's do you want to do comedy like as long as you can this is my life

this is not have you always want to be a comic no sorry for these corny questions but I want to know no I didn't think of it as an actual job I never thought of it I think those are the best jobs like I didn't think video could be something actually made money from it was more like just a fantasy dream sure and then when I realized that I can make money from it I was like, this is awesome. It's like that favorite class in school that you're like, I can never actually do this for real. Like they have that prompt on hinge where it's like,

what I would do if money wasn't an object. And I'm always like, this is kind of a weird question to ask because you could do this. Like what I would do of money? And then people write like, I'd be a geographer. And I'm like, yeah, you could be a geographer. Like, I don't, you know, the question should really be, what would you do if you weren't,

afraid of making less than what would make you comfortable. Yes. And that's the fear with me. It's like I always, when I left my other job to do comedy, it was like, what was the other job? I sold life insurance. So I was like, you know, like when I talk to my parents about it, I was like, I don't know what this is going to be.

Like I don't really believe in 10 year goals. I don't think that that I have 10 year dreams. I don't have 10 year. I don't like believe in like, because that just sets you up for like. I have no control over that. And also, if I would have told you six years ago that I'd be sitting here right now, like, I would never be able to tell you that. The shit you might be doing next year isn't even invented yet.

It's almost restricting to try to make a five-year goal. Sure. Like it almost puts the ceiling on things. I like one-month goals. I like, you know, one-year goals. Like, I like those. But I remember saying to my parents, I was like, I don't know what this is going to be. I know it sounds ridiculous.

I was fully aware. This is like a crazy thing. I was like, I just want to be funny for money. and be able to live doing that. Yeah, I would argue when you plan things that limits your goal. Like, I never plan to do reality TV. I never plan to have my own podcast.

It's like I just kept putting myself out there and kept doing things that I enjoyed. Sure. You put yourself out there all the time. What's your biggest insecurity when you're on stage? Like, I want to make sure that my comedy is good.

Like, I want people to enjoy it. And like, I never would call my... Like, I kind of roll my eyes at political comics. I cause comics. I'm not really into that. You guys love rolling your eyes at each other. Sure, but it's like the, you know, I like that I want my shows to be fun.

So like I want the things I talk about, what would I have fun talking about? If I'm having fun talking about it, the crowd's having fun, the room swing, like I like that. So I want to be fun as a comic, but also not, you know, predictable. So you mentioned dating questions. Sure. on Hinge. So I actually pulled a tweet up that you had, and I want to ask you some of the dating questions that you said in your tweet, if I wrote questions asked on a dating app, they would

be. Yes. So I want you to answer them. Okay. You wrote bedtime weekday slash weekend. Weekday and weekend bedtime are fairly similar. Mine's like 1 a.m. weekday, 2 a.m. and then like 3 a.m. 4 a.m. weekends.

You're wild. Well, you got to do show. You know, you're out. And you're socializing. Well, when do you wake up? I wake up at like 9.30, 10. That's very good. Don't lie to me.

I'm telling you the truth. Wow. If I do a show, if I host a show at a weeknight at like 1130, doesn't get until 2. Yeah. Push it to 10.30. Like I, but I don't like. Because working from home, sometimes I just get trouble like getting out of my bed.

No, I get up. I can't, I can't do it. I have to have. some sort of structure just to help me first of all. Did you always have that structure? Since I started doing comedy, I've always tried to be like up at Adam, go to a coffee shop, get stuff done, leave the house. That's always been a big thing.

Like if you're staying in the house, you kind of like linger and don't do much. So leaving the house, creating my own schedule. Like, you know, I've always treated like doing comedy as like a job from day one. So and that was a privilege, you know, that was like a luxury of mine. You know, so being able to do that, I was like, I'm not. going to waste the opportunity of being able to do that. I love that. Show you brag about watching. The Bachelor. I just spent 10 minutes. No, but I also like the profit. I love Marcus Limonis. We follow each other on Twitter. I met him on the Upper East. He was like, he was doing a profit.

I don't think so. I think he's like pretty, I think he follows a lot of people on Twitter. He's pretty out there. Yeah. But he's, um, I love the profit. I love Shark Tank. I love. Would you ever start a business on the side once you have like a big following to monetize it more? No, if it wasn't funny it wouldn't make sense to me So you're just like watching these small businesses? Love it. My friends, I've had two friends on Shark Tank. Interesting. Yeah.

I used to work for a t-shirt company on Shark Tank The Home Tea. Back in the day I did marketing for them. Bantam bagels. Those are my I went to high school with Elise and Nick is a good friend. You know what you like? You like a good coming up story, I think. I like when the sharks

look at someone and go, you're a stupid fucking idiot. I like honesty And I like All reality shows have to be a little bit real So that's why The Bachelor works That's why The Bachelorette is not as highly rated as The Bachelor It's not as real 25 year old dudes don't want to get married

Sorry Sorry They don't After getting 10,000 DMs Just like you said The Bachelorette is just not as believable As The Bachelor It's funny because reality TV is similar

to comedy because it's performative to an extent, but there's so much truth behind it. It's like a lot of comedians like WWE and I was like, WWE is equivalent to The Bachelor. It's the same, you know there's the villain that you know who's going to win but you still have to watch

to see how it goes down. Nail soap operas. And so I brag about all those shows. What show do you not tell people you watch? You're pretty open. What I meant by that with the show you brag about it is like the scripted show, like Oh, Game of Thrones. Or like I saw this Netflix documentary that was insane the one you'll tell people about and then there's the bachelor yeah there's

i mean the ones i won't out 600 pound life these are the when i go down the i fucking love 600 pound life it's great it's like i go to a dark place when i watch it but i kind of want to go to that dark place it's a pretty unbelievable show they never drink anything the color of anything you've ever drank and it's never out of a container and it looks like they're going to glow in the dark it's crazy and then you see people in their most vulnerable scariest places like a place that Death is at their front door. Exactly. It is scary.

Exactly. Four weddings is fucking awesome. Does your girlfriend like to watch these with you? Because you sound like, honestly, like a girl's dream. Because most of us have to beg our boyfriends to, like, even look at. She and I watch them together sometimes, but, you know, she wants, she's, I feel like every girl's dream is to find a show. Oh, yeah. To have a show together.

That you're like, this is our time. this is what we do but that starts some shit god forbid one you watches the other one does watch or if he falls asleep while you're watching you're like do i pause up for him i'm a big fall asleep whenever we watch something i used to fight with a dude and he'd fight to the death to get his show on and i knew who's going to fall asleep in two minutes it's it's a weird power of here's the thing i'll watch anything but i can't shut the fuck up so you have to deal with that i when i watch reality tv it's like a sports game to me yeah movies alone this is why i do movies long. I can't stop talking.

Your girlfriend must love that. Hates it. Um, appetizer order. I am a big appetizer order. That should adds up though. More, more, more and extra. I want all, we're the tapest generation. Do you ever get the like combination when you just can't even, they have a mezzo platter? Yeah.

I do. I'd rather get like, what do you get when you go to watch Penn State? Like what do you, what kind of stuff do you get? Well, that's a thing where I go through the whole menu and I'd be like three wings, three. three nachos. I don't want to ever get in a space where people are going, well, do I get a chip?

How many chips do they have? No. Do the chip? If we're going to spend 20 each, we can spend 25 each to feel comfortable. You're right. And mozzarella sticks are... They've got to be a good...

That's the other thing. Some places just don't do certain things well. Sometimes you'll see a mozzarella stick. Yeah, you'll see a mozzarella stick. You'll go, you guys didn't even try on this. No, no, no, no, I don't want this. Well, Wisconsin. and Orange University of Concord.

We're known for cheese curds. Cheese curds are great. The yellow and the white. They also have, do you want the ones that melt in your mouth? Do you want the crispy on the outside? Yeah. It's a whole art form. And then it's, you know, there's some people just copying the other good ones.

So like, you're right. You know, where it's just like, oh, you just threw these in the friator. Like, I don't want those. I want the ones that, like, Mama made the drudge. You sound like the Gordon Ramsey of appetizers in New York City. It's true. This was clearly frozen. Yeah.

I don't want the frozen. I want a dredge that the mama created on her own in her own dairy farm. I want to hear grandma complaining in the kitchen. Speaking of grandmas, who do you hate in your family? There's an aunt I hate right now and her whole family.

We don't speak anymore. I would say that. Yeah. That family drama. Everyone has that. But I think it's like everyone has a BCS chart of their family. Yeah.

Here's number one. And then here's last. The ones that you least want to tell. talk to at gatherings. I had one that was at the top and they've dropped all the way to the bottom and done. Love and hate is a close. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure? I'm pretty okay with it. To me, once you've seen how people act in a certain way, you go, all right, well, goodbye. So you lost some trust. Yeah, you just go, okay, well, this is what you care about. Good luck with your life. I'm going to, and like, we say this on like the podcast with like when you end something

with somebody, like there's no reason to like, suburb. subscribe to feeling badly about this person. You can leave. And extended family is weird because it's like you didn't choose them to be in your life

and they're not, they didn't birth you from their vagina. You are what you is. You know, so like, all right, goodbye. Let it go. Well, you don't want negative energy

around you all the time. I guess, but then even getting these people out of your life is negative. That's a negative energy in itself. But cutting people out of your life can be a very self.

I think people have to earn their way in and out of your life. Yeah, it's self-respect to sometimes cut people out. Sure. Do you like to cuddle after sex and for how long? I like to cuddle after sex, but I like to have shorts on. So I want to put my shorts back on. I don't like that my dick is everywhere.

You could like re-boner when you don't want to. And it's like also like just balls after sex are just a tussled. So it's like you want. I feel like certain sex though is weird to cuddle after. Well, I mean, depends on what you're doing. It's like crazy. Like you just had like drugs. brug-binged sex.

Like, you're like, it's, you're like, okay, I'm still ready to fucking fuck right now. You know, so it's like, but if it's like,

you know, sweet, fun, innocent sex, I'm like, okay, let's do our time and then at some point,

it's time to go to bed. Cuddling after sex is the moment where you either cry or not. Cry? Yeah. Oh, there's no tears.

If you're, if I'm doing like a cuddle after sex and I'm the little spoon, I can cry and he doesn't know. You would cry? I've cried after sex. Why? If it like reminded me of something or like

Is it a happy cry or a sad cry? It's always a sad cry. I'm never like, oh, you fuck me so good. I would be literally. No, the guys never caught me. Oh, I would. If I felt the tears, I'd be like, okay. How do we get out of here?

I think that's, check please. Climax speed. Quick and swifty. No, I mean. To the point. I try my best to not. What do you think about when you don't want to come? what do I think about

like do you think about like your grandma's smell of her house? No I try to take my mind somewhere else but it's not like working on bits in your head you're just working on like counting like count down from 30 and trying to like you're going to have something more creative than that

no it's count down from 30 and stop squeezing your dick so that shit doesn't come out of it you know just unsquease your dick and then count from 30 and then there's a point where I'm like okay we've done enough time to go

there's always a point where I'm like okay show off we're good and I'm always the person that's like don't be a hero I set I try to set myself up for as much success as possible by setting the

like I'm like I just talked about this on you up but basically I'm like the I'm like the mom who's like fucking like scurrying around dinner and trying to get things ready like are you okay have you come have you come have you come

and then I'm like okay now I can eat everyone's eating now I can come That's a good quality. So I go down first, I wait until that's over with. And it's like, you know, then I'm like, okay, now I'm in the clear. You've done stuff. Now it's time.

And then you have to worry about how, you know she's good. And you can worry about yourself. Hopefully. I actually have this new thing. I hooked up with a guy this weekend who I like kind of like. And we hooked up for the first time. And I didn't know if I wanted to give him a blowjob, but then it started happening. Sure.

And then halfway into the blow job, I'm like, I'm going to stop. why I was like you know what you can't go in at a hundred you gotta like give him a taste and afterward it was so funny because I was like did you like that blowjob and he was like you used half a blow job it wasn't a blow job and I'm like maybe one day you'll get more bitch

maybe one day I realize I'm I'm getting cocky I wouldn't even I would back away from that I'd be like I don't need like prove my blow worth okay this is like when you when you start on a new team in sports. You don't come in at a hundred. You don't want them to

have that expectations every time. If I go hard with a blowjob the first time, he expects it every time and knows when I'm lazy. I want when, it's not, to me with blow jobs, it's like, the best blow job givers are the ones that are doing it for themselves. Yeah. So there's some,

there's a version of chick, and I'm not saying this is every chick that it's like, because I get off like to me, I'm then being turned on by turning you on. I get turned on by going down on chicks. Like I genuinely do. Yeah. So to me, like, I want that from the person doing it to me. I don't want someone, like, putting on a hard hat being like, I got to go to the blowjob mine.

It's like, yeah, I don't need your fucking finishing move. You only bring out on special occasions. I want fucking blow jobs. I want you to be like, I want you to do it for you as much as I do it for me. I guess because, like, I didn't know if I fully wanted to commit. And then I, like, I just stopped. And I was like, you know what? I was okay with just stopping.

But a bow job leading to fucking is. fun. Yes. Like that's a different story. 100%. I just was like, I can either go as hard as I can right now to make him so happy and blow his mind. But then I have to do it all the time.

See, I don't think that's the case. I don't think I'm like one blow job means forever blow jobs. I just think when I give it really good, I give it really good, but it takes a lot out of me. It's a whole breathing pattern. My favorite is like my girlfriend, she'll do this thing when she'll go, I'll be like, get up here. It's fuck.

And then she'll go, no, no. This is what I want. And I'll go, and I'll go, but this is easy living. And I take both hands, I put them behind my head, I clench my fingers together, and I sit like I'm on the beach in Spain. I guess what I'm trying to say.

This is the first time I ever told the story. I didn't think it through, but it's like, it turns me on to like the control of it. Like I can now please you at my pace and the way I want to. But I also think that you're in control to be like, it's kind of hot sometimes. You don't have to always be showing off

him sometimes you could be like look I'm a lazy bitch right now no that's I think all is fine and at least I was being myself because I've been in relationships where I felt like I need to make this guy feel so good all the time for him to like me and now I'm like it's it was like a power move see I would rather be with a woman that's like eat me out like I'd be like whoa holy fuck a 10 hot yes man now and it's like that to me is more hot in this day and age especially like, you know, like a person who knows what they want. I mean, I'm 27. He knows what they want. I like when a woman

knows what she wants and is like, and is like this is going to happen, and has a plan on her own. Like, I'm like, yes, let's play the game. It's funny because, yeah, when you're older, like, if a dude is fingering me, I'm like, this is how I orgasm, if you do, A, B, C, D, and like, why am I going to have him play

a guessing game? He doesn't want to either. Yeah, let's skip it because we won't want to have fun. But then it's like, there's another side of that too, where it's like, I've been with girls with a little too bossy I'll go down on them and then be like no you can't do it with this and that in there you're like well give me a chance to like do my thing

yeah like give him a chance to show his life I'm not here to fucking go to hurt you I hadn't that bad and also do you really want him to go down on you just how your ex went down on you let him give it let him get a change it maybe I'll show you something new give me the chance to disappoint you okay now that I'm all turned on we're going to do a little game

I've never played this game before in this podcast I brought out for you because I feel like you like games love a game it's called Hell or heaven. Actually, I think I should call it heaven or hell. Heaven or hell. Party has alcohol, but no food. Heaven or hell.

Heaven. I can find food. When I'm drunk, I turn into a sonar for shitty food. It sounded kind of serial killery to me. Like a little Jeffrey Dahmer. I'll find my food. I think it's harder to find alcohol. You're right.

And also, like, you can speak to these people until you're hungry. Like, no one will notice if the cat's gone, you know? You know, eat the cat? What are you, Alf? From Melmar? Also, to anyone listening, I love cats and I would never put harm on any cat. I want to hug them all. Having Chris Jenner as your manager.

Heaven or not. Yeah, you think you can handle that? Of course. She's going to make me the most money ever imaginable. She will kill the cat, even if she loves it, to get me. So would you sign a job? deal with the devil to get famous? We're considering her devil at this point?

I would argue that some people say that she... I would think, you know, when people are good at their jobs, they're annoying. The most awful people are good at their jobs. When I was looking for a lawyer, I was like, I want the angriest, pushiest, most annoying lawyer. Yeah, you want someone that's a pain in the ass. So I don't have to be. My dad always said the people, though, he worked with that were the biggest pains in the ass made the most money. Listen, it's okay to be a pain in the ass.

If you're good at your job and you want to do a good job and your intentions are pure. That's the point. I actually had a fight with my brother because he's like from the finance world and he was like, oh, you like the Kardashians? And I'm like, I'm going to educate you right now. I mean, listen, the Kardashians,

there's something to be learned from that family. You know, they're annoying because, you know, they do things to annoy people. But when people say they have no talent, I'm like, clearly some things there. Don't become a billionaire. Well, Kylie's saying she's a self-made billionaire. And I do believe she calls herself a self-made billionaire because it creates another headline.

Because she's a fucking genius. Again, Chris, genius. A billionaire calls herself a self-made billionaire when her family is all billionaires is crazy. And they're not stupid. And they don't get where they are for being sane. Yeah. Or being dumb.

So she only one, she hydrated that shit. she not only got the headline that said she was a billionaire but then got the other headline that goes do you think she's self-made oh they're genius okay we have two more one you get snowed inside with your mom all day heaven or hell oh heaven my phone my mom's phone oh your mama's boy i mean i'm just a fan of my family i like yeah so my mom is like my mom's hilarious she's one of those people that like everyone knew so like i even like like you walking the grocery store and everyone's like Mrs. Freed. Oh, you know, you're Kim's son. Oh, you're Kim's son. That was like

my whole life. And I told my girlfriend that and we went and got brunch in Boston when I did the shows. And then Sunday we got brunch and this guy comes to me, he goes, Jared, what's happening? It's a family friend. And he turns, he goes, have you met my girlfriend? And he goes, no. And she goes, and the girlfriend literally looks at me and goes, Kim's son? And I told my girlfriend that and she was, her

eyes were like, oh my God, you were right. So your mom has a big personality. Yeah. So, and fun and she's funny. It's interesting because most comedians come from like broken homes. I think that's made out to be more than it is. I think that's like one of those things like we live in the era of struggle. You know, the struggle Olympics exist every day.

We all have to prove that, you know, we came from nothing to be able to do something, which is crazy to me. And you're depressed all the time. Yeah, I don't believe that. I don't buy it. So you think that you're not like the stereotypical comedian who. who's just like very sad. I don't think, I think all these comedians

are not the stereotype. I think that's the easy opinion. Do you think they like to play that card because successful comedians in the past have been that way? Yeah. And it gives them the right to make fun of things. When you're loser idiot,

you can make fun of Richie, richy rich. Yeah. You know, I don't have the luxury of that. No one would look at me and go, Lord, it's a tough child of this guy had. No one would look at me and say that. I feel like some comics might have enmassy

towards you, Because of that. What? Because I grew up with a fine family. Yeah. No, no. Well, because some comedians love to be like, yeah, there was nowhere I belonged and like, no one was there for me.

And I go, I deal with my hate through laughter. I think that's like, I think that's fine for them. I think that's a weird thing to get off out. It's true. I'm very happy and lucky. And it's like a weird dependency on the laughter is like, this is the only love I've had in my life from strangers. Yeah, no.

Every club I go to, the person at the door asked me for a ticket. because they think I'm going to the show. I love that. And I'm like, I'm okay with that. I'm okay to represent the audience. I take pride in that. And I, and you're not trying to be above everyone.

And like, you don't have that narcissistic side that honestly a lot of comedians can have. Well, the narcissistic side comes from, look, I'm from such loserdom. And it's like, no, you don't know what I've been through.

You're here right now and you're doing fine. Yeah. You know, a lot of comedians, you know, like, you know, it's easy to hate on rich people. It's easy to hate on people who have done well.

It's almost like why Amy Schumer. When she became rich, it was harder for her to find her voice because she was always making fun of the successful. Maybe. I can't speak for her, but I would say that for me, that's not my personal experience. I mean, to me, what you find right now is nobody's from Westchester. Nobody grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. No one grew up in Newton. No one grew up in Beverly Hills. No one grew up in Edgewater, New Jersey. Everyone's from Ecuador now because they had a grandma that was. is kind of from there. Have you noticed that?

Like, you asked someone, where are you from? They go, well, I'm a, my Afundurian. You're like, didn't you grow up in Westchester, motherfucker? Didn't you grow up in Forty's New Jersey? What happened? What happened to that childhood? And that's why everyone's taken, well, no, it's not okay. Now.

It's hard to market, you're saying. Well, it's just like there's no credibility and people think that, you know, in privilege. You know, people think that, you know, because now we've ranked who's the highest privileged person. Yeah. So now no one from privilege can be interesting or fun or funny. I always say I'm from Brooklyn.

And then someone's like, oh, cool, where? And I'm like, park slope and they're like, what's wrong? What's wrong? Yeah, they're going to roll your eyes. I mean, my town's growing up. Is it not Brooklyn enough for you? Exactly. And it's like, it's never enough.

You have to come from, you have to go, that's the dumpster I grew up in. And then they go, oh, you could say whatever you want. It's like there's, yeah, the dumpster. I lived on the left side of the dumpster. My mom was in the right. I'm laughing. My dad left us. I have this very smart, beautiful cat named Butter.

You probably have seen her on Instagram before. And I take pride in the fact that she was rescued in a dumpster in the Bronx. And I just love telling that story. People are like, she's beautiful. I'm like, and she came from a dumpster. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you think everyone on Twitter tweets as if they grew up in the Bronx? You know how I can tell y'all, y'all, you know, like why?

All of a sudden, the person who went to private school is doing clap emojis in between everywhere, as if that's something they've done their whole life. No, they're imitating. It's actually more offensive to the group you're imitating. It is a version of like blackface a little bit that people do that on the internet. And oh, you know how I could tell y'all

grew up with no, your mom didn't hit you growing up? And it shows. And it's like, what? It's like your mom never did you. Yeah, what? Riverdale? You went to Riverdale. If you think about Summerhouse, someone was tweeting, it's like,

I don't want to watch these. Trust Fund kids. And it's like, okay, first of all, I would love a trust fund. But also, if we were trust fund kids, then don't want. Why are all these people taking 23 and me? Hopefully I'm interesting.

Oh, that's so funny. And so, you know, it's, maybe there's something out there that I don't know. Maybe this is the start of my rock. Maybe you should learn to love yourself before you find just two percent of American. I don't know. I mean, yeah, but it's more like just accepting your shit.

Yeah, well, everyone wants to have a story and we all want to be special snowflakes. We grew up to her in a boon economy. especially dating because they're like oh give me your elevator pitch who are you sure and it's like well my my great grandmother was in the hills of africa and and that's how i learned about you know right and wrong not from my white parents in connecticut no they don't know right from wrong for anything what's funny is once you start creating a storyline for yourself like you will forget all the truth don't tell yourself a story just to be interesting it's it's but it's happening a lot

especially if you're not even like trying to sell yourself as a personality it's like bro Go back to accounting and shut up Everyone is doing it now And listen I see it And I just kind of laugh at it I think it's funny But you know Going back to the comedians that comedians do it too

Yeah Go go watch any You know go watch what some of the specials are Yeah Half the special is them Talk you know A whole fucking history on You know their life

And you're like okay Well when's the funny part I also think it's just interesting When people are driven Like regardless this, what base you started at, like how you do what makes you happy. Yeah, I just never knew that there was this whole, like, this whole, like, well, why did you do this?

Who killed one of your parents after the ballet? And it's like, no, I, no, I'm not Batman. I'm just Jared the Jew from Needham. I just like talking about turtles. Because you're one of the, like, ones who's like, yeah, dating's weird. And I like my dad. God forbid. Yeah, we ate dinner together in six minutes.

That's all I got. Yeah. I have one last hell or heaven question. Heaven or hell. Being the bachelor. See, I think being the bachelor to me would be hell. Mm-hmm. Because, one, I'm not in shape enough to be the bachelor.

So me, my look. The producer's job is to make you look as good. But my look against these like supermodel. like women they'd be like he looks a thousand pounds like it's not even that I am it would be more that against the backdrop of these beautiful women they would be like

where do they find this guy it would be gross and then the other the other reason I'd rather be Chris Harrison I know that's the best job in the world like golfs all day and occasionally gets a text like hey we need you I that is the job that I would like

he's the best I envision him just like snorting cocaine and coming in and be like what's up yeah just the best job I know I'm asking for the best job on earth and but it's like honestly you're kind of in that path just keep manifesting keep manifesting the bachelor

just seems like hell to me the conversations must be so brutal imagine like conversation after conversation of people trying so hard for you to like them I know and it's more that like what people would look into my past like so I talked to like I talked to you about dating around we talked about this episode and I put on

my Instagram hey I'm watching date around And I watched the first episode So we could talk about it on you up And then I had like six different girls DM me about the guy Who was on the first episode About like all these awful experiences

They had with them And it's like yeah And I talk about dating So I'm like I always have this thing in my head Where I'm like I know for a fact Some girl I used to date Is out there being like

Remember fucking Jared She's sitting at brunch And they're like Remember when you used to date That comedian? And then like one girl's like He's not even funny. And the other one's like, he's

gross. I can't believe you ever went out with him just to, like, prop her up from not being with me. People love going, they're not even that funny. It's like, cool. Okay. Do you remember Jared, the comedian? He was, like, texting you all the time. And now he does dating advice?

He was so, he doesn't know shit. Remember he, like, he, like, couldn't even come. Yeah, and he farted once in front of you. Remember he used to fart in his sleep and he was such a loser? He gives dating advice. It's like you could do that to anybody.

Yeah, they think that you're like the dating girl if you start talking to them. I'd feel pressure if I was you to be like, oh shit, I'm supposed to know what I'm doing. No one knows what they're doing. I always say on the show, I'm not an expert, I'm just someone with a loud opinion

and I'm just 10% away from the guy you're probably dating. So a lot of the things that I have thoughts that come to my brain are probably the thoughts that come to his. And maybe it's not 100% but it's 10%. It's close. I mean, that's why it's good.

You're not like too dark of a guy because then you wouldn't be able to compare thoughts. And you're a little basic, which is good. I'm a lot basic. It's good. I like coffee and sweatpants. I like the predictability, yeah. And sweatpants are hot.

That's right. We're finishing with a final game. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Food, probably. Like, I do that game where you order the app. Do I get this? Do I have this?

Is there enough for me? Is am I going to be okay? Probably that. Because your family ate fast. They probably ate your food occasionally. Who are you envious of? I don't want to call it envy. You never get jealous?

No. It's not really... I feel like it's so competitive in stand-up. You have to have the right mindset to feel... I really enjoy what I'm doing. Like, I really enjoy that people come to shows that I'm starting to, you know, headline more and more, which is fun.

I feel like you have your own unique voice, and when you find your own uniqueness, you don't compare as much. There's nothing really, like, I think I'm envious to people that are perfect for the timing of the day. Like, I'm not, so, like, I think, like. Please explain. You know, certain comics, if you're a certain look or a certain background or a certain, you, you do get fed different opportunities than if, you know, mine's just not that interesting of a background to give it to. And that's talking about the stuff we were just talking about.

Like, you know, what's your struggle? What's the story here? It's like in a different time, my story would be maybe more interesting. I think the time, you know, there's a little bit I'm like, ah, man, you hit it. This is. I used to say that with tennis because I was more crafty and I was like, if I played when Martina Everdillo was around, because I wasn't a power player, I was like, I would have fucking won grand slams.

The timing of it all. Yeah, and I'm like, this day and age I wasn't meant to be in the power game and I would like talk to myself like that. but there's nothing you can do so that's why I don't really feel it like I do my own thing I always try to create new stuff and also you don't need a quick fix

just because of a story you want to be respected for your actual comedy and I also think that if you're gonna be funny what you do so great is you're not like what is funny what are other people doing

like you're just doing what's you no I enjoy it and it's always been stupid fun and that's kind of you know so stupid fun is the best fun yeah I never really aspired to more what are you gluttonous about

Yeah, cupcakes. I want one of those cupcakes now. Have you been thinking about that cupcake since you walked in? Your eyes were just like laser beams. Yeah. When was the last time you experienced? Drinking too. I drink too much.

Oh yeah, you do. You go on and off with that, don't you? I try to, but it's more on than off. Well, you know what? You're fun. Oh, thanks. You're stupid fun.

Sure. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Do you have an anger streak to you? I'm a very, I call my podcast the, the home of luxury issues. And that is definitely one of the luxury issue. I can get pissed about it. Also, when people go slow through TSA Pre, that bothers me immensely.

Like, I saw someone take off their shoes at TSA Pre and I go, no, no, no, no. Like, I couldn't stop myself. And then someone in front of me, they were like this older couple, they were like, do we have to take off shoes here? I go, no, no. Stop it. We got the meeting to not do this. And I'm like angry. It's valid but true.

It's not like worth getting having stress. Well, you should be kicked out of TSA free the minute your shoes come on. They should go, no, you're out. I feel like you should work at an airport because you probably know the rules really fucking well and you're pretty to the point. I am a TSA pre nut. Like if I break stride, I will fucking go crazy. I would use the word Nazi. I would use it.

You can use whatever word you like. I call it reality. I call it just simple plain math. And this isn't sponsored by TSA Precheck, but it's a great thing to do. Don't do it. We don't need you, people. When was the last time you were a sloth? Yesterday.

Would you do? Just sat at my couch all day. Do you need those days to refuel? Well, I do. I don't take enough time off. I do take time off, but like I do take time off, but like I mix in a lot of my fun with comedy. So, like, it's tough to, like, differentiate between, like, what's a good day off, what's a day, what's a real day off? When was the last time you took a legitimate vacation?

A Super Bowl weekend. I went to NASA. And do you feel guilty? No, I felt good about it. I felt guilty that I didn't, like, relax enough on that trip. Like, I wish I had, like, enjoyed it more. Enjoyed it more. My brother came, so it was, like, dinner's at six, and this is at five.

A guy just wanted to, like, drink all day, fall asleep, wake up at eight in the morning. You know, I wanted that experience. but it became like, well, we drank all day, then it's dinner at eight, and we went to dinner, and then you're out, and you're like, I guess say out. And you're also used to traveling alone where you're kind of like, you have your show, but otherwise you're on your own schedule.

But I very rarely get a chance to be like not out at night. And I think I need next vacation. Oh, I love staying in. To be like a 6 p.m. It's over. Like I would rather like be drunk all day. Like my perfect vacation, kind of looking back on how I did it,

the mistake I made is I wish I had like, Woken up, gym, good breakfast, drink all day, pass out at 6, be done with it. Or even just watching movies at 6. Yeah. But you're out, you're out for the day. Like, I don't need to go out there. Vacations are pressure to have fun. So I wish I think next time I'll be better.

You know what, don't be so hard on yourself. When was the last time you let pride get in the way of something? So your ego. I'm pretty okay with myself with that stuff. Like I do, like I have people that I think like my advice to anyone. Get people in your life that can, that you can complain to with these things to be told if you're crazy or not. You're so right. So if you have like, and I think it's like something that takes time to find, but like family members, someone that will just like hear you out and then not make you feel like a fucking asshole for what you're going to say.

So like they always say like the best friends are the ones who tell you the truth. Well, you also have to be looking for the truth. You can't fight people when you ask for, you know, we give advice on the podcast. That's what we do. And sometimes people will DM me and I'll go. this is what I think and they'll go well but also

and I go that's the perspective don't use me to yeah to agree with you yeah to manipulate me to give you the answer you want yeah I just go well that's the perspective

you can pay for Patreon if you want to talk to me again okay this is the final question actually there's one more but this is the final one of the game when was the last time you lusted over someone oh I mean

I do that every day on what I lusted over some like I you know like I love my girlfriend that cupcake you saw yeah the cupcake but I I don't I don't think

that's a thing to like be ashamed of is to like look at someone's Instagram and go oh my fucking God this person what I would do and go down the depths of your imagination while also staying real with yourself if she told me to go down on her if she yelled at me game over

Instagram's a dangerous place it's dangerous but as long as you're aware you can you know try and separate Right. Just don't start liking pictures to get a like back. Just don't start leaving those like smiley faces with hard eyes. So to end this podcast, what do you do to cope with your hell? What advice would you give to people who are currently in hell and how to get out of it?

Get people in your life and like, don't just like anybody, don't do this to everybody in your life. But get the people in your life, you can call. Don't annoy the fuck out of everyone by that person that can handle you. Because then everyone's going to go, did this wrong, going on you? Do you want everyone in your business? No. You want one go-to friend that you can go, here's what's happening.

Am I crazy? How would you handle this? And someone that you really respect their opinion because what they can say can get you out of a funk or out of confusion. And someone that will listen. You know, so like I, there's so many times where I'll go, okay, I'm mad about this one thing. What I go, and then I'll present the scenario as so I'll go,

here's all your choices what are you going to do and then let your friend tell you and you can go well this is what I did and this is why I made my decisions and then let them but finding that person I think

is really helpful I drank all weekend and I drank on Sunday and my girlfriend looked at me and was like wow what do you think about that situation am I wrong should I start looking into problems and it's like

having one of those people in your life I think is like very, very helpful. I think it's also so easy that when you're alone to spiral and go to a dark place, that happens to anyone, no matter how mentally strong you are. I used to live with my brother and I would have like a joke idea. And if he was in a bad mood, I would go, what do you think of this idea? I'd go, stupid. And I go, well, I don't think.

It's such a brother thing to do. I was like, I don't think you're really giving this the time. That wasn't the person or the time to do that with. And that's okay. That doesn't mean I don't love my brother. That's just to say, you know, if he's in a mood, I'm not going to go with him and be like, what do you think of this premise I've been thinking on all day? It's like, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to be important with the person. It's very selective, understand the mood, but don't ever feel like you're alone in your hell. Yeah, go approach it. Just play it out. This happened, this happened. What would you do? Because you know what? Every situation you've ever experienced, you're not alone with it.

Other people have experienced it to an extent. There was one time with my girlfriend, we, she got me a gift. gift and like I received the gift and I was like this is fucking awesome and then I went and turned on the bachelor and she was like what the fuck like you didn't even like and I was like what do you want a gift parade like it's the bachelor yeah and also like what do I do you just get thank you thank you again I don't know so I call my friend I go so this happened either night and I go through the story and he goes he goes you turn on the bachelor she just gave you like a fucking birthday gift she wanted a moment And he goes, I would have open up a bottle of wine.

I was like, what do you mean? And he goes, yeah, that's how a normal person celebrates a gift that someone just gets. Oh, let's be happy about this together. Oh, it's my birthday. You did this for me. Thank you so much. Let's open a bottle of wine. This is great.

And I go, I would have never thought about that in the entire world. And it doesn't make you a bad person. No, no, no. He showed you a different perspective. And I go, okay, well, at least I'm the crazy person. And then you don't start a fight with her. You realize, oh. Oh, I couldn't do it better.

next time or I'll try and work on this. So, that was it. So Jared, Jared Freed at J-A-R-E-D, F-R-E-I-F-R-E-I-F-R-E-I-D, Jared-F-R-E-I-D. Jared Freed on Instagram, J-Train 56. I'm telling you, he's hilarious. He is worth the follow. And follow me to... WTF, worth the follow.

Hell yeah. So thank you for coming to hell with me. Thank you. And talk to you guys later.