Berner Phone - Jay Shetty: Ex-Monk & His Hell

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Jay Shetty is one of the most viral life coaches in the world who has a shit ton of wisdom but I sat him down to find out more about his struggles, his love life, and how he survives his hell. Get his new book 8 Rules of Love out now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning in Hell. You know, obviously Burning in Hell is a mental health comedy podcast, and we have a lot of hilarious comedians on. We have a lot of insightful people, but we've never had a man who was a monk. And he's been everywhere. and now he's finally, you know, hit the top. He's come to Burning in Hell. He's found the mecca of mental health. Welcome Jay Shetty to the pod.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad that I get to be with you today, honestly. Thank you. You have very good energy. Thank you. Because you never know. I thought I might be intimidated by you. Like, he's all knowing.

He's also very famous. There's like a lot of things that could be intimidating. But you kind of, you have a very warm, warm energy. That means the world. me that's that's the best thing i could have had today so yeah because i'm like do people just like him because he has blue eyes or is he actually you know i mean you are on this book tour which is fucking crazy and and you sent it to me the eight rules of love yes and you're married yes which i kind of love because there's a lot of like dating you know people out there and they've like never had

a relationship before but i like that your book is not only like your teachings and your research over the years, but you also say a little bit more about yourself. So what I want to bring into this podcast today, because I feel like you have so much amazing knowledge everywhere, is to get to know you a little more, get to know your hell a little bit and the shit you've been through. Why have I not been asked to become a monk yet? Like, how do you get into the monk ship? How did you get in? Because no one's, I'm not on the email list. Yeah, yeah. You didn't get the memo. No. No, you haven't subscribed. Yeah. No. I didn't swipe up. Yeah. And it's, and it's, and it's, and For me, it was the same.

It was, I met a monk for the first time. His name's Gorongadas. I met him when I was 18 years old. And I met him because you still had to go to events to meet people because there was no YouTube, podcasts. You know, it was a while ago. And so I would go to events. I'd love hearing from CEOs and athletes and musicians

about their rags to riches stories. And I wasn't fascinated by the rags and the riches. I was fascinated by what you're fascinated about here, like people's challenges. and their mindset and how they got there. And one night my friend said to me, hey, we should go and hear this monk speak. And I said to them, I said,

well, what am I going to learn from a monk? I'm fascinated by people who've gone from nothing to something, not nothing to nothing. Like, what am I going to learn from this guy? And they said, no, we should go. And I said, okay, I'll only go if we go to a bar afterwards. Like, that was my negotiation tactic. So to prove how spiritual I am.

Yes. That's what I was like as an 18-year-old. And my friends were highly convincing. they said yeah sure sure we'll go to a bar afterwards and so i went to this event and i went there with very low expectations i thought i was going to walk in walk out we're going to hit up this bar and i walked there and i found something i wasn't looking for i wasn't looking for spirituality i wasn't looking for meditation i wasn't looking for well-being and the way this monk spoke he was talking about how serving others with your skills is the purpose of human life using your gifts

to impact and help other people is what we're meant to do and i'd never heard that before. So 18 year old me stayed behind, wanted to shake his hand, like meet him. I ended up traveling with him that whole week in London going to all his events. Then I spent all my summer vacations and Christmas vacations traveling to India to live with him in the monastery. And then when I graduated, I lived as a monk for three years. And so it was a very long journey of spending time with this one monk to then spending time with the monks to then actually living as a monk. Holy shit. Sorry, that's the quick version. No, that was beautiful. And were you a where were you based when you were in India?

Two hours outside of Mumbai and then we traveled across Europe as well so we'd live at different And where were you living when you were like with your friends and stuff? I was I was in London so I went to university in London town I'm from London I'm from London, yeah, from born and raised in London, yeah Very cool and I also feel like you've transcended like traditional monkship what we think it is Which is honestly like not relatable and you've put it in this such like even your book like You talk about fuck boys and stuff and it's the kind of stuff that we information that we could retain so you you guys aren't fucking when you're a monk right no you're not

definitely not so you're like a celibate you're celibate and you don't talk to well for me the opposite sex but you don't talk to um the sex that you're attracted to so i'm completely living a celibate life i haven't spoken to a woman for those three years and the point isn't repression or suppression the point is to redirect your energy and i always like to clarify that because a lot of people think that monks think like oh women are bad or this not that it's actually a side of can i dedicate my mind to mastering my mind like can i focus on that we do like really hot showers so people think we're connected to satan sometimes as women right yeah oh yeah got it we did cold showers and monks for that reason there you go you know they do say the cold shower thing

like gets your mind right but i'm like i'm like that was the original cold plants like we were taking cold showers like that was that was a normal part of like And, yeah, it was just what I found that I got from that experience is from age 14, which is when I started dating, till age 21, I don't think I ever had a gap between seeing someone or meeting someone or being with someone or being with someone, like, yeah, your teen years, you're like constantly moving relationship to relationship to relationship. And those three years, and if you think about it, even for yourself maybe, or anyone is listening, how many days have you actually spent not in the pursuit of someone or not being pursued by someone

in your entire life? It's such a drug. It's very little time. And it's so mental. It's so mental. Because I always say like I'm a creative genius as an eye. Give me anyone. And in my head I will make up something that I want.

Like put them on any pedestal. Because how many crush is like like gives you a purpose? Oh my gosh. Gives you a purpose. I love that. Like waking up in the morning is easier when you're like, I hope I run into Jeremy at the cooler. You know?

Well, I ran into my first crush. I still remember. I was like 11 years old. How old were you when you? heard your first crush. Oh, I was crazy. When I was like three, I think I was like humping some kid. They had to like pull me off him. But I was, I was assertive from young age. Cool. Yeah. It took me till 11. So I was the late bloomer by, by your standards. But I remember having this crush and every guy in school had a crush on this girl. And I was

overweight growing up. I was also pretty much one of the only Indians in my whole class. And so I got bullied a lot for both of those things. And so I remember turning up to school late one day and everyone in the class was laughing at me and pointing and giggling and I was like, what do they know? And then I got a little slit from one of my friends and I opened it up when you used to send notes in class

when you can text and I opened it up and it said, she knows. And I was like, she knows what? And so basically everyone in class had told the one girl that everyone had a crush on that only I had a crush on her.

And so for the last rest of the day all the girls stood behind like in the playground in class and were just shouting her like, you're not in her league, she's out of your league. Oh my God. You get it. It was terrible. So that was my first experience.

That was really traumatizing. She was very traumatizing. It's very traumatizing. But so it wasn't a drug for me. It was, it was a bad drug. It was a hangover. Well, there is a thin line between, like, the joy it could bring you and the pain. Yeah. And I do like in your book that you talk about, not only just the joy, but, like, the joys of being alone, the joys of a breakup. Yeah. That there are positivity in it. Is your book, how much is it gender-based, like, in terms of if you're a woman or a guy reading it?

So I tried to take gender out of it because I really feel that a lot of what we're experiencing today is a complete mixture of experiences. I don't think you could say, well, this is the same experience that all women are having. Like, I just don't think that's the case anymore. Like, I have so many more of my female friends that are like the breadwinners in their relationship now and they're leading the way or they're more driven and ambitious than some of their partners. Yeah, the stereotypes are all blurred. Yeah, they're all blurred now. And so for me, I was trying to write a book that anyone could pick up in this generation and go, Okay, whether I'm looking for love, whether I'm trying to hold on to it, or whether someone just broke up with me and hurt me, this book's going to help that person.

What I love about this book, and I think you might have said it on Caller Daddy, my girl, Alex, we love. Yes, love it. Is you were like, there's so much stuff that are not taught to us in school. And it sounds like you almost had whatever education you had and then thought this wasn't enough for me. And then you have gone into your own studies and research and experiences. if you could have a J. Shetty, like, high school, what classes do you think are essential to living a fulfilled life? That is such a great question. I love that question. It's honestly a little too deep, but you don't know. But, like, I'm trying to challenge you. We'll make it fun. Yeah, I'm trying to challenge you a little.

First of all, most of us should not start a high school, including me. Like, like, first of all, let's just put it out there. Starting a high school or a primary school, sorry, elementary school, as you call it here, is such a deep, important task that no one should just start schools. I think it's highly dangerous. And so even what I'm about to say, it's caveated with the fact that I don't think, even I know enough at this point, to start a school. I think that's unhealthy. Yes. Just to put it out there. But if you were like in a town hall meeting, like can we add these classes? Yeah. This is our little J-Shoddy town hall meeting. First of all, my biggest class would be emotional regulation. That would be the number one class. And the reason I say that, and it comes back to the book of Solitude, is that it said that our heartbeats and

our heart rates, they synchronize when we're close to other people. And so first, our caregivers, whether it's your mother, your father, your uncle, or your aunt, whoever took care of you, your heartbeat and your heart rate synchronizes with theirs. And so the study says that the best thing for your nervous system is another human being, but the worst thing for your nervous system is another human being. Okay, that sounds like a pyramid scheme. And I hate that life has done this to us. Yeah. And so what I find is that your heart rate gets synced up to your partners where you're now sharing a mood. And so if you don't know how to self-regulate, if you don't have to regulate your own emotions, you're just going to become dependent on whoever

you're around. And that's why codependency takes off because we never learned to regulate our own emotions. So that's class number one. And if you grew up with a parent who also had trouble, then you could be anxious, like they are anxious based on things that are out of your control. Absolutely. And that's class number two. Healing. from parents and healing from first loves. Because whether it's your parents or whether it's the first guy or girl or person you dated, all of those first love experiences completely transform what you want in a relationship. Maybe the first person you dated like made you insecure about how you look. Now anyone that tells you look good is like the next attractive human being.

When that person was projecting their own shit onto you. Exactly. Exactly. And the person who's being complimentary to you, they may not even deeply like you. They may like you only for that. And so I think unraveling the gifts and gaps, as I put it in the book, that our parents gave us is class number two. I'd like to call it reparenting too. Reparenting, ooh, yeah, where it's kind of like the voices in your head are those negative things where you can say, actually, how would I want it to have spoken to my inner child? Absolutely. What's a third class? Oh, I'm allowed another one? Yeah.

All right. Okay. Class number three, class number three would have to be... Do you think meditation? should be on it? I was actually, I would put meditation there. I might add that as a tool in emotional regulation. Yes, true. As a tool and a practice. True.

I would say that's an after school program for that. Yeah, that's the extracurricular. If you're smart, you get signed up to that. The other one that I'd add is financial master in financial training. I just think that no one has any clue about how much they should spend on rent. No. Whether you should get a mortgage or not, should you buy a house or not, should you save up for one? Do you save or do you invest?

What do you invest in? How do you know? Like, I think we have no idea. Until you're like 34 and someone goes, why haven't you been putting this into an IRA? And you're like, is that a STD? Like, what is an IRA? So that is so true. I'm actually, I grew up from a family of teachers. Like my grandpa was a gym teacher. My mom was a principal. My grandma was a librarian. And they, I think about teaching a lot. And I just think there's so many holes. Because I was a people pleaser. And I always, I was a perfectionist. I just wanted a straight days.

So I wasn't like consuming it. I was just trying to win the game and then I would forget it and then I entered life and it didn't matter that it's straight AIDS I was battling you know my perfectionism anxiety depression

performing so that I feel lovable look at this a turn to a therapy session but that's what it always does within yourself how is your levels of anxiety depression do you deal with a cocktail of them what is your journey would that been yeah I feel like I really

rebelled growing up against what my parents or what my community wanted me to do. So I kind of started dealing with that early on. So I had the anxiety almost as a young teenager of my parents wanted me to be good at maths and sciences. Yes. And while I was okay at those, that's not what I wanted to do. What I wanted to do was philosophy, art and design, psychology, economics was definitely a part of that. And so those were the subjects I loved. And so I started rebelling early on saying, I'm going to do what I want. And pushing for what you want when you're 13, 14 years old, it kind of creates this really interesting

place because now you're on your own because now it's like well you're the only person doing that everyone's kind of following the trend and so I feel like that was it but the biggest when you talk about depression or anxiety the hardest part where I experienced that was just before I went to become a monk and when I came back so I experienced it before I went anxiety because everyone in my community was telling me you've been brainwashed you know you're you're wasting your time no one's ever going to marry you you're never going to make any more money again like imagine everyone in your community and your family extended family going at you and just telling you that this is the worst decision of your life and you've just turned down your job offers and have decided to make this thing and so there

was a lot of anxiety attached to their decision but it takes a real strong like inner voice to go against what your like you think your parents are gods growing up yeah yeah so where did that come from for you to think I know and they don't know I feel my inner voice was so loud since I was 14 and I could not ignore it like it's just been so and I feel like it's got louder or or stayed steady because I've listened to it. Well, you don't live the kind of life you live, like, following rules. Yes. Because you have a very unorthodox career.

I mean, you're kind of like a superstar in, like, the, I don't even want to say spiritual, but it's just like the self-help community. Do you ever get, like, hate from more, like, traditional monks or spiritual people because you are so on the internet and putting your face out there and making money? Yeah, I think there's definitely. Because you're kind of transcending. traditional self-help. I think there's definitely a perspective around like, you know, is this being, you know, watered down or is it being put out there in a way? But I think that overall, I find that

the people who really know me or the people that I've gotten to know deeply, they understand that I love the idea of making things simple, accessible, digestible, relevant. Like, to me, that's how I was taught about this wisdom and that's what made it so. It has to be demystified. Well, like, look at me. I have ADHD. I'm not reading a book, but I will stop at a clip of you where you're looking, you know, and you have the cool font and maybe some good music in the back and it's 15 seconds. And that's one of us. And that's most of us today. And that's a smart, like, marketing brain of yours. Yeah. And I don't think we should be looking down. It's not like, oh, you're getting the water down version. Actually, there's this beautiful statement by a writer named Ivan Pavlov where he said that, well, he wrote this. he's not a writer but he wrote this statement that I love and he said that if you can't explain something simply you don't understand it well enough so to me I'm constantly like grappling with ideas going how do I explain this simply like how can I make this really accessible for myself because then I can live it and for others so they can live it like to me that's a sign of compassion

like it's empathy like to me compassion and empathy is like how can I make this so easy for anyone to understand because then I'll be able to live it and change my life and they'll be able to do the same. Well, even in your book, you reference, is it Sanskrit? Yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've like seen that stuff. You did read the book. I mean, well, she skimmed, but like I, I loved like when you talked about karma and like as someone who loves yoga, like I see these things kind of connecting. What is your current religion? So I have taken different practices from different traditions that I find fascinating. Overall, I follow a text called the Vedas, which is a universal text.

which doesn't have a religion or particular spiritual path aligned to it. It's just speaking universally about practices like meditation and wisdom and knowledge. And so for me, I practice three different forms of meditation, breathwork, visualization, and mantra, which is the repetition of sacred sound. A lot of what I practice is inspired out of India because that was the tradition I lived in as a monk. And so to me, but I honestly, having said that, you know, I've loved pretty much every spiritual text I've picked up. I tell and read stories from so many different traditions. I consider myself a practitioner, you know, like a citizen of the world.

Yeah. And it comes to culture and spirituality. Because I feel like I can genuinely learn from any path and any tradition. Well, that's why your book is interesting to me about love because I feel like you've had so many different cultural experiences. So to write a universal book was that hard at all? Because I mean, like, how Americans view sex versus like how like the Middle East view sex or the Brits or. or, you know, the Chinese, who knows? How did you kind of globalize it?

Yeah, so I'm always trying to put ancient wisdom together with modern science and then pop culture, right? Like, and pop culture on top. The fuck boys. So, yeah, that's kind of like my world and that's me too. Like, I love movies, I love monks, and I love media and marketing. Like, I love all of that. And so I'm just embracing all of those worlds that I live in

and putting them all together. And to me, there's such a beautiful synergy in harmony that comes from that. So if something was true 5,000 years ago, And if science proves it today, and if you can see it in mainstream media, then there's chances that it universally exist. And so to me, I'm trying to create things that are timely and timeless. Yeah. Because to me, something that's timeless is always timely. So I'm not trying to be so in the now that it's a trend and it won't make sense. I would hope that someone could pick up this book in 10, 20 years and it would still hold true. Yes, some of the examples of phones and names may

change, but the wisdom or the thought behind the book will make sense because a lot of the ideas are 5,000 years old, but science is proving them today. And so that's kind of like the cocktail that I like to put together. Oh, I love a cocktail. Yeah. Are you sober? Are you sober? Yes.

Yeah, I'm not, I don't know how everyone defines that word. So, yeah, I don't drink alcohol. Uh-huh. But I only ever was a social drinker or a games drinker. That's how I drank the most. Because the Brits, they've... Me and my friends would play too many... Well, we all started drinking very early.

Yeah. I started drinking like 13, 14 years old. Yeah. And we played a lot of... drinking games. Ring of Fire was my personal favorite. And we just, yeah, we just drank our way to quitting early because it just, yeah, I just got into it so young. But yes, I don't drink anymore. Do you have any insights on like hookup culture? A lot of girls are in their 20s. And I feel like a lot of people talk about like energies of like a quick hookup versus like you have to wait

five dates before you have sex. What's your theory on the exchange of like physicalness in this world? Yeah. I think it would. depends on what you want and what you're looking for like to me if someone's just exploring and enjoying and expressing themselves that's awesome if someone's trying to build something serious and wants something to last long term I think there's a different tactic and a different approach and ultimately anything can kind of end up anywhere because of how it evolves and grows but I think the biggest mistake people make is they think there are set guidelines yes as to how it should be done you see it all over the place and it doesn't make sense because

Yeah, like you just said, like if someone's like, oh, well, don't have sex till date five or don't have sex till date 20 or don't, you know, I think all those kind of things actually just make you focus on that even more. Yes. And they stop you from focusing on everything else you should be looking. Well, yeah, if you're putting your energy towards that, are you really being your authentic self? Totally. Or are you like have a little checkbook.

Yeah. And me and you both know, if you just look at a checkbook or a list, that's not authentic love. Not at all. Not at all. And I would go on to say this. And again, I'm diving into the science here if I get too dorky. can let me know. No. But it's really interesting. So chemistry that we feel with someone of the spark is described as experiencing stress and excitement at the same time. So it's the

excitement of, I just got her number. But the stress is, is she going to text me? Right. Or the excitement is, oh my God, oh my God, he just texts me. The stress is, oh my God, what do I text back? Right. So chemistry is actually us feeling excitement and stress at the same time. Now, when you get to know someone, the stress drops because you've become more comfortable with them, now we think the excitement's gone. But it hasn't. It just, you become more comfortable with them in a healthy way. So the interesting about sex, getting on back to that topic, is that all the studies show that when oxytocin is released during and after sex, you feel closer, but you're not actually emotionally closer. And the chemical oxytocin also has a temporary memory block,

which means if you just had a massive argument about how you don't trust that person now that that chemical is released you're like I was being crazy you're actually like they're amazing I love them so it's really interesting and that's where I think a lot of these ideas about delaying sex come from

well I hope they do I mean if they don't then that would be the only reason is that you don't make as good a decision about someone when you're in that kind of illusion of we're so close but actually it's a chemical reaction wow So I really looked into this stuff because I was fascinated by like, why do we feel close?

And that's why so many people have makeup sex or breakup sex and then get back together. Yes. Because it's this idea of like, oh, no, no, but we are really close. We don't have any problems. There's a temporary memory block going on. And I love what you said about like the connection of fear and sometimes getting that combined with like excitement. And then when you lose that fear, you think like am I not excited about this person anymore? And I learned that like love has so many different meanings.

And I'd argue when you ask someone, what does love mean? You'll get tons of different answers based on different people. But I just got married in May. I know you're married. Thank you. And there is that feeling of like comfort that you could never feel within like the first month or two. But it's a different kind of high of like a stability and a safeness and understanding that I don't think we talk about a lot. Yeah.

Well, I think if you're looking for chemistry, you should change who you see every month or every day. Like, if you just... Have you heard the birth control drama? No, tell me. People are saying that birth control, sometimes people get off birth control and be attracted to different men. Really? I have not heard this? Have you heard this?

The different hormones? Am I making shit? No, no, no, no. Because your hormones changing that your attractions could be different. So what changes? I'm fascinated. I don't read full paragraphs when I get sent. But I'm a skimmer, but it is something of the fact that, like, love and attraction is, like, scientific in your brain.

And it can be hormonal. Or, like, sometimes when you get pregnant and then you, like, hate your husband. Yeah, a lot of my friends have been to both ways. Yeah, definitely. You're like, can you just stop breathing in my direction? What I also liked is you delved into how to, like, fight well? Yes. And I don't think we talk about that ever.

Yeah, we never do. Fighting is an art form. It's kung fu. It is. Or it's MMA, or it's wrestling, or it's something. Yes. And not knowing whether you're MMA or whether you're wrestling or whether you're kung fu is where the issue comes from.

I do think in my relationship, once I understood them more and learned not to take things personally, it really helps. Because sometimes they'll say something and you're like, you don't even fucking understand me. And then you realize like, oh, that's how, you know, his father spoke to him. That's all he knows. And then you decide, do I want to deal with this bullshit? Is this the bullshit that I like?

And he's never had the chance to even reflect on that because he may not be aware or she may not or they may not be aware. I think so many of us, if you've done a bit of work, you can see it. But the problem is when you've done a bit of self-work, you start judging everyone else. And you want to avoid that

because it's a really unhealthy way to do it. You should go to therapy. No, you should go to therapy. Oh, you go to therapy. Well, my therapist told me that I don't know. My therapist told me is the new my dad can beat up your dad. Yeah.

Like in the playground, that's what it was. It's like, my dad would take out your dad. Look, my therapist knows what's going on. Literally, but John and Julie Gottman, who have been married for God knows how many years, but they have an amazing study called the Gottman Institute, which looks at all of this amazing research. And they found that the number one thing that keeps couples together is not date nights, it's not walks on the beach, it's not dinners, it's not movie nights,

it's not holidays, it's learning how to fight. And when I saw that, I was like, wow, like learning how to fight is a skill. It's an art form. And kind of like what you just said about taking things personally. So when me and my wife first started dating and when we got married and where we first argue, I want to talk about it now and figure it out right now. That's the kind of fighter I am, right? And men could be very logical.

Like, well, A plus B equals C. So what are we doing? And I'm very much like that. Yeah. And I call that in the book venting. It's like, I want to figure out now and I want to do it right now. my wife is what I call a hider she wants to go into a room she wants to like not talk to me she wants to think about it she wants to reflect on it she wants to figure it out at the beginning

of our relationship I took that personally I was like oh wait you don't care as much as I do because I'm standing right here and you're walking like I want to fix it you're giving up exactly and then only to realize that that's just how she dealt with it because when she came back sometimes two days later it was a bit of a long way I'm like waiting outside that like two days later when she came back it's like I'm like Oh, she was actually in a place to process it. And so what we found is you need two days. I need one hour.

Like now, we're going to meet in 12 hours a day. Like, we're going to meet in the middle and figure it out. And then the third fight style I explain is exploding where it's like, I want to talk about my emotions right now. So you're not trying to fix it. You're not trying to solve it, but you need to be heard. Neither of these is good or bad. It's recognizing that we're all different and we all deal with stress and conflict differently.

Yes. And if you saw your partner for just a style, like you were like, that's this. That is so smart. I actually, my husband and I once, he, like, upset me with something. And I said, that upset me. I want you to apologize. And he basically was like, you're overreacting. I'm not apologizing.

So we sat there, and we just started dying, laughing because, like, we were looking at it based on our styles where I was like, you're being stubborn and I'm being triggered. And we're, instead of fighting about, I mean, the actual thing was very stupid. We instead were like, okay, how do we long term fix this? because I'm like I just want to hear you say sorry and he's like well I don't want to admit to something I don't think I did wrong and the next thing you know you're like oh we are working on this long term relationship I think relationships are just do you want to talk to this person for the rest of your life yeah yeah yeah and can you navigate that conversation yeah yeah and can you navigate that conversation yeah I read this research that that kind of you can you tolerate basic conversation with them can you solve problems together and do you want to grow together I I read this research that that kind of It kind of goes exactly with what you just said. It was saying that if you want to consider someone a casual friend, you have to spend 40 hours with them.

If you want to consider someone a good friend, you have to spend 100 quality hours with them. And if you want to consider someone a great friend or a best friend, you have to spend 200 hours with them of deep time. And so when I think about being with someone or if you think about having a future with someone, it's like, do I want to spend 200 deep quality hours getting to know this person is a great way of knowing whether there's longevity here?

And I think nowadays we don't think like that. like if I post him on Instagram are the girl he's going to love it do we look good aesthetically and I learn from an I feel like everyone has that one relationship where you're with the person that society tells you should be with I always I have I'm a stand-up comedian

I joke about Disney and how Disney fucked up like who we should be attracted to like as a young girl it's like there's that one prince on a horse with a stupid hairdo and he's probably a narcissist and he takes up all the space in the room and you're like that's the one everyone wants me to marry and then you find

that guy and he makes you feel horrible and you're unfulfilled and you're a shell of yourself and then you're like wait I don't even have anything in common with this man and just because you know so-and-so thinks it's cool you're dating a guy on the football team or something and I think we all have to overcome it's almost like an ego death with relationships 100% so well said how did you realize your wife was the kind of person that you could spend the rest of your life with deep yeah deep question she's listening so yeah yeah exactly so I was attracted to her from the first moment I saw her so that was easy that part that part was already taken care of

if you asked her I should be like eh she wasn't she wasn't I feel like guys are pretty black and white with that like they're either like I want to be with her yeah yeah and then getting to know her I think I just found that she just made me laugh like she is hilarious she's adorable she does the funniest stuff that makes me so happy that you say that

Yeah, it's like, I ask any of my team. And she's like that with everyone. It's not like she's just like that with me. It's like, that's just who she is. And she radiates this like pure joy and anyone who's ever around her. It's almost like, people become friends with me and they're like, oh, Jay, I really like you. And then they meet my wife and it's like, who's Jay? That happens every time.

Like that is. Everyone's been in a relationship where like you're with someone and you're like, don't fuck this up. Don't say that thing. We're like, you're, you can tolerate them alone. But then in a circle, you're like, oh, I just think he's tall. but socially, I actually don't like how he deals with people. So to be proud of how your partner exists in the world is huge.

Yeah, now I'm just jealous of her because she just feels my friends. But no, I think she's very, I think the thing about I love about my wife the most is I think she really knows me deeply and she accepts me for all that I am, all my flaws, or my mistakes. So I feel like I've showed her as time's gone on more and more of myself. And I don't feel that I've ever felt judged, criticized, or not been given compassion. and grace at any of those point. And I think that that's why I love her because I know that whether we had anything or didn't have anything, I know that she'd be right there. Yes. She's been with me since day one as well. So as a monk, there's not a lot of monks

who have become famous and you are putting yourself out there. You're putting all of your teachings and thoughts into the world to be judged. Do you have any, this, there's so much fame going on nowadays, do you have any insight of how you deal with the public eye in a peaceful way? Yeah, that's a great question. And obviously, I always say, like, I'm not a monk anymore. So I teach from my practice that I lived as a monk for three years, but now I'm married, I'm a business person. I have a podcast and books and everything else. And so one of the biggest things for me and how I deal with the public eye is I am very open and at the same time I understand what needs to be kept private and confidential so I don't believe in living a life where

everything's on show and everything's for display I think there are so many experiences that are more beautiful when they are truly between two people yes or a friend and a family member whatever it may be like I don't live in a world where everything needs to be out there at the same time I love being vulnerable and authentic and open with my community and my audience But certain things could be really tainted in the wrong way when you just do it for attention or the public eye grasp onto it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so I feel like I try to create their healthy balance between what's truly for me and what is it that I want to share. I'm always thinking about what I'm sharing.

I'm like, how does this add value to someone's life? Yeah. A vanity shot of me is not going to add value to anyone's life. Yes. And so I'm always trying to think, like, how does this really impact someone? How will this make someone's day better? Yeah. that's what I think about a lot. And I also made peace with it with the idea that there is

truth in people's commentary on something and there's also sting. And your job as a content creator, as a author, as a whatever you may be is to figure that out, is to take the feedback, is to extract the parts that can help you and leave the rest. So it's almost like leave the sting and take the feedback. And so you're almost extracting the poison from the process. And there's a lot of good out there that can help you. There's a lot of even what you'd put as hate that could be very useful. I found, I mean, I'm going very deep here, but I think we've been kind of oscillating in a good way between deep and silly, which is fun. It's the idea that I find that fame being imperfect in the fact that it comes with a lot of judgment or criticism is what detaches you from

fame, which is what keeps you humble, grounded, and also protect. you from your inevitable irrelevance one day and so I think you can get so attached and fixated to fame and if fame didn't have those things then you'd you'd think fame was the best thing in the world and you would think that it's the most amazing intoxic you would lose touch with reality which is that you're human exactly and I just had um and obviously what to speak of myself I just had Kevin Hart on the podcast and he was talking about this exact thing where like his fame he felt he was indestructible at this point he felt that nothing could get at him and he was like fame let him down like he was the same people that were and that's when the world's like oh you're ready to get shown reality again yeah

and so like he was saying like when he was popping the people that were popping bottles in the club with the same people that turned on him and so you know I think that that to me is that's why we get these little reminders and so I take them as a little reminder fame is imperfect fame is not the goal of life it's it's wonderful it's great but it's it isn't everything like that's so powerful Because I wanted to hear from your perspective as someone who's like lived a life that was so anti that. Do you have any advice for social media usage also? Because you, both of us live our lives on social media. We make money from social media.

We spread our lives, try spread laughter and insight. And wisdom. And wisdom. A ton of wisdom. Do you, how do you monitor social media and living? Yeah. I think that it's really interesting when you've come from a world, like for three years, I didn't know who the prime minister of England was.

I didn't know who won the World Cup and I Honestly sounds so relaxing Yeah and so I've come for you know That was a long time ago and I left the monastery 10 years ago But for those three years I had no access It's like big brother but less drama Yeah

That's an interesting way of putting I want a monk reality TV show It's just them like this Yeah just like that the whole time Like we just don't move like You try it on a midnight Turn it on a midnight to see something And nothing's changed like it's the same

But but I find that And for me, like, social media is something that I have to be very intentional and conscious. Yes. So I always make sure that it's not the first thing I see every morning. So studies show we have 60 to 80,000 thoughts per day. Now, if I ask you to control 60 to 80,000 thoughts, you couldn't. It's impossible. And 80% of those are negative and repetitive.

And so most of us are saying the same negative thing. Like you look in the mirror in the morning, you go, I'm ugly. I don't look great today. Get to lunchtime. You look at your phone, selfie. oh God, I still look the same, right? You're like repeating a thought again and again and again. It's like comfortable.

Exactly. And it's relatable and it's familiar. And so what I say to people is make sure that you choose intentionally your first thought of the day and your last thought of the day. You can control two thoughts per day. And so my first thought of the day, I don't want it to be based on news, negativity, notifications or noise, which is what my phone's going to give me if I pick it up first thing in the morning. So even if you can create a seven minute gap between when you wake up and pick you,

up your phone. A five minute gap to brush your teeth and like just get to that point of having a shower. Even if you can just do that, get there because I promise you, it's going to give your time, your mind, time to warm up. And one of the things I often mention is that waking up and looking at a phone is like letting a hundred people walk into your bedroom in the morning before you've got up. You would never let a hundred people walk into the bedroom. Literal nightmare. You'd be like, wait a minute, I need to do my makeup. You'd be like, oh wait a minute, let me just put on some clothes. You'd be like, oh, wait, let me, whatever it makes. Also, like, I don't want to know how everyone is doing. Like, I can't take in all that energy. You can't. You just need to

get your energy, right? But when you pick up your phone, that's what it is. A hundred people just walked into the bedroom of your mind. And now you've set yourself up to be reactive to all their needs, all their requests. And so I find giving yourself that gap. So for me, one thing is giving myself that gap. The second thing is I consider myself to be fairly present if I'm at lunch or dinner. Me and my wife had a rule that we set a while ago in the home, which was no technology homes and no technology times. Sorry, let me take that again. No technology zones and no technology times. So, for example, the dining table and the bedroom are no technology zones. Oh, wow. Because I'd rather eat with you and I'd rather sleep with you. I don't want to be like, you know,

in this in between. Yes. And then no technology times. Like after 9 p.m., let's not be on our phones. You know, before we finish our meditation in the morning, which is something we do together, we're not going to look at our phones. And so I find that even, and we're not personally. And we're not perfect we break those rules all the time like yes do i have my phone at you guys are wild yeah exactly yeah like 10 30 p m i'm on my phone oh my god sometimes yeah but you know i'm not saying we follow those perfectly but even having those yeah just sets better barriers and boundaries so i but i think the biggest thing is please create a five to seven minute gap between waking up and looking at your phone because your phone's just gonna bombard you with negativity noise notifications and news and now you

start your day on a minus four and your whole day you're just climbing up the ladder trying to get back to zero. Yes. When you could have set yourself up. Yeah, it's like immediately getting a punch in the gut that you're kind of doing to yourself because you didn't have to look at the phone. Oh, I'm talking to myself as I look at my phone. Wait, okay, we're going to get a little darker. We're going to play a final game. But I actually, I've added this new question that I think is fun. What is like your version of hell? Ooh. Is that a little dark? No, no, no, no. I love it. I love it. I love it. Do you mean version as in like what does it look like if as a physical place?

Or do you mean like in my life whenever I've gone through that? In your life. Like what is, you don't even have to have gone through it, but like your biggest. Ooh, that's good. Your nightmareish thing. That's a good question. That's a really good question. I think to know that everyone you loved had like a terminal illness or like, you know, like everyone, everyone you loved is like to disappear in the same way. like if everyone of your family was traveling on a plane

and then you never saw them again. Like to me like that's the worst thing that could happen because, you know, yeah, that would be the, that would be held because... I just watched The Last of Us. Is that what it's called? The Last of Us on HBO? Is that? It's the, oh my God, it's so good.

I highly recommend it. It's very apocalyptic. Right. Right. Um, anyway. But did you mean more like casually? Hell? No, that was... Hell's a strong word.

That was the first time I've ever asked this on this spot. It's like a new thing I'm throwing in. It's deep. I mean, yeah, you see what people, like, immediately go to of, like, what they value and what they don't want to lose. Time to play the Seven Deadly Sins. Okay, yes. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about?

Ooh, what am I greedy about? I'm going to ask my team in a second, but what am I greedy about? And it could be something physical and it could be something emotional. Well, greedy, which I've had to work on a lot, is sugar. I love sugar. I'm greedy about good chocolate, like I'm addicted. Oh, yes. Before I met my wife.

So, yeah, chocolates. She gets you on to, like, the dark. No, my wife's kept me away from the darkness because she's, like, extremely focused on. Dark chocolate? No. She's kept me away from dark and all chocolates. But yeah, probably chocolates. Oh, yeah.

I looked at her page. I mean, oh, she looks very healthy and knowledgeable about that shit. Who are you envious of? Oh, that is such a good question. Okay, who am I envious of? And it could also be a type of person, too. What do you mean a type of person? Like people who do this.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I think sometimes I'm envious of someone who, no, I'm going to be honest. I'm envious of Cristiano Ronaldo because I think he's amazing. I'm going to be straight up. If I could have been a football player, I was never good enough. He deals with a lot of shit, though. He does, he does. And that's what you realize, right?

Like, even the people you look up to the most are dealing with so much. I mean, yeah, he deals with way too much more, you know, and... I mean, that's why I came up with the concept of burning in hell because I started to meet these people I looked up to. Yeah, yeah. And then you start to realize everyone's living through their own shit. Yeah. I even was thinking, like, why did LeBron, like, LeBron James?

Is he that much happier than all of us? Yeah. And then I realized, like, everyone has the cards they're dealt and their own experience. And he doesn't have some, like, carmic thing that made him. Like, his hell is as painful as our hell. totally it just might be in a mansion yeah yeah and the thing with christiana ronado is i don't and i'm obviously i'm i'm half joking um but i think it's i think he inspires me and sometimes i look at envy as not that i want what they have or what he has it's almost like

that's what i aspire for and he's great in something he inspires me by his mindset he inspires me by his dedication like his hair i mean i mean maybe i could i could i can i mean i think my hair's good but I think for me it's more like I aspire in so many ways to carry that spirit for what he does for his love that I can do that for my love so that's what I mean by ending in that context did you manifest this life for yourself oh wow I would say that when I started I had no idea that it would ever get to this point and stage I love that I would say no oh I love because I didn't really ever believe that this many people would care about well-being mindfulness meditation health. So I'm so grateful and humbled every day that I get to live this life. I love that because I almost think that if you manifested like I want to be like have millions of followers on Instagram, you wouldn't have gotten there. You manifested I want to fully understand these teachings and be able to teach people. Yeah. I think what I manifested was I want to do what I love every day. And what I love is learning, teaching, sharing, experimenting and living. And I'm going to find a way to make

that relevant accessible and helpful to people and practical to people. And that you love the journey of it. Absolutely. And if you don't love the journey, you're not going to get anywhere. Absolutely. Ooh, powerful. These are great questions. Oh, my God. Thank you.

When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Oh, that's a really tough one. Oh, gosh. So I've never been, I grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger. And so I very early on was like, I'm not going to be angry. And even when I met my wife, we were like, we're never going to raise our voices. Even if we argue, even if we fight, it's never abusive. It's never.

So anger's like a rare, rare, rare emotion for me Like irritable, yes From a man that's powerful I feel like a lot of men Well because my dad scared me when he was angry right Like it's like if you've seen anger at like It's peak and extreme Yeah you don't want to go near that

You know so I can't I really can't And that's not me being insincere I just genuinely cannot remember The last time I was angry Oh I can But it wasn't wrath It wasn't rat

This would be being half silly again Yeah When my wife for my birthday bought me a tablet that was an AIS not an iPad

right ACEs like no offense to AIS but when I said I wanted an iPad it had to be an iPad but it was not it was an AIS

so you just threw it across the room no no no no that's what I mean it wasn't right I was so polite I was like you got me an AIS I was like really

like an AIS can you and she was like no but my you're like are we also Android users now Yeah, she was like, my family told me it's like really good technologically and it's like better. You're like, well, your family hates me.

Yeah. And I was like, well, your family doesn't know I wanted an iPad. I honestly can't remember the last time I was angry. But that's, it's also the fact that you meditate every day is probably very helpful. Yes, yeah. Because I joke that a lot of men, whenever they experience anything besides anger, they like don't know what to do. So it's nice to have men feeling other emotions than just immediately making it like the most masculine. Yeah. And I think doing certain things that can express emotions that are healthy. I mean, I played a lot of rugby growing up. And I feel like as a young man, if you did have any anger or frustration, like, you had an outlet where it's welcome to be physical. And so like even today, if it's like, I know a lot of my friends, like, we'll lift or do tough workouts or we'll go on a hike or like something that's challenging. Something that's challenging is often where you can channel that anger. And I find like if you don't channel your anger towards something that's challenging, you take it out on someone you care about.

And I think that's what hurts me the most is that the people that matter to us most get the worst of us. And the people that we say that are first in our lives get the worst of us. And I would never want that to be the case. And I don't want to live in a world where I just treat my wife with anger. And then I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. And I think once you've said something you don't mean, it never goes from someone's memory. It's always there. And so I just, I kind of take that very seriously that I don't want to say something that I don't really believe.

Yeah, I was a tennis player, and I definitely, like, hitting a ball. Yeah. Like, I would just go sleep after. Take it out on the ball. The ball doesn't have feelings. Yeah. Just go for it. Do you have a physical regimen, too?

Like, do you do yoga or you run? Or what do you do for your body? I've oscillated between a bunch of things. Right now, it's hiking every day. Wow. I hike every single day for about an hour. It's really beautiful. I love it.

It also gives me the sunlight in the morning, gets my circadian rhythm moving. Yes. There's enough of an incline where it's challenging. It's great cardiovascular health. I played tennis during the pandemic. Oh, cool. That was really fun. But I realized when you take up a sport, when you're older, you're good while you're practicing.

I didn't play for a year. I am terrible. So I was like, I was like, oh, I could play some tournaments now. And then I didn't play for a year. And now I'm like, guys. And tennis is so like skill and timing and feel. But I loved it. So I play tennis.

I've broken. I've been, sometimes I'll be at the gym. Sometimes I'll be hiking. Sometimes I'll be playing tennis. So I'll mix it up. It's good. I mean, I live a similar life to you and where like sometimes you're touring. sometimes you're on the road.

So sometimes I have trouble with that, like, consistency that I used to have as a kid when I was, like, just training. But it is important to move your body. I'm trying to tell myself that. Yes, it is. So, speaking of, once last time you were a sloth, so, like, had, like, a real lazy day. Oh, probably, like, last weekend. Uh-huh.

Or maybe, yeah, maybe a couple of weekends ago. I try and have a sloth. I try to have a sloth evening once a week where I could, like, order all the food that my wife would never condone. Oh, hell yeah. go all out when she's not around. What's your, like, guilty pleasure? Like, your least monk-like thing about you

that people would be surprised to know? Ah, least monk-like thing. I mean, probably, like, addiction to, like, fried food, sugar, like, chocolate fudge cake with extra chocolate toppings. Like, yeah, it has to be food-related, because I have such a, like, yeah, I have such a big sweet tooth.

So, like, burgers, fries, pizza, pasta, with a ton of, yeah, like, I had, I used to go to a place here, in New York called Terry's and I invented a shake day it wasn't named after me or anything cool like that I just used to go there and I'll be like I love the usual and then they'd be like what do you want to explain it but I'd get them to grind up a brownie into their milkshake oh for that texture oh I was like and I was like can you grind it just perfect so I can still taste the brownie pieces like it needs to come up the straws and it's like yeah yeah you're

getting like too many emotions with it yeah I get too connected talk about love yeah exactly okay this is the hard one when's the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something oh my god I mean well every time I talk to my wife like so I uh it's hard it's hard it's hard you're why this interview is so good by the way you're killing it the person you love the most is is the person who gets that side of you like yeah they know you so easily to like know exactly your triggers are like things that piss you off yeah I um I officiated Jen and Ben's wedding last year and I've been asked about a lot oh yeah that's on my mind so I officially this one wedding last year.

I was practicing to my wife the day before and she saw me practice. I had my notes. I, you know, rehearsed it for her and she goes, that's terrible. She was just like, that's really bad. Like she was like, you got to change that. And I was like, and my whole ego, I was like, do you know who I am? I was like, I was like, I've been asked, like, don't you realize? And it was just really interesting because I was like, and then I was like, all right,

I didn't, obviously, I said to her, I was like, no, no, no, it's really good. I mean, like, I thought about this. She was like, no, no, you need to change the whole thing. And it was just really interesting because all my ego wanted to do is defend myself. But then I'm like, but she just wants me to be good tomorrow. That's all she wants. She's being honest with me when no one else would be honest with me. True.

Everyone else would literally be like, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard, Jay. You're amazing. Totally. She just wants me to be good tomorrow. And she knows what you're capable of. Exactly. And so I rewrote it and it went really well. And she was really happy with it.

And I think that for me is a perfect example of how. every part of me was just defending myself and I think we do that with our partners with everything we defend ourselves because we want them to love us yes we care so much about what they think we care so much about what they think but we don't realize what they think is love like that is care

them saying hey I think you can be better at this I think I know you can do better I know how great you can be that is the deepest form of love and care not someone pretending that you don't have something in your teeth you're so right find the person that tells you there's something in your teeth someone came up to me the other

day and told me I was just about a film actually I was doing an interview last week on my podcast and my videographer said to me bro you've got like cheer seeds all up in your teeth and I was like all right all right I've got to get them out it's the most LA shit I've ever heard oh is that very LA there you go I'm so LA I'm so LA I'll take it I'm so LA okay final question what advice would you give to the listeners on how to cope with your hell when you're going through it you're in your darkness whether it's in a relationship your job what are some go to things that you like to turn to? The first thing that I've always said to myself is this only makes the story better. One day you're going to tell your story. One day you're going to share it.

It may just be with a family friend. It may just be, it may be a child. It may be with a brother, a sister, a parent. And when you tell that story, your hell is what's going to make the story really connect and impact and help people. And so don't lose that part of how amazing this will make your story. People will be able to relate to your hell far more than your heaven. because your hell is something everyone can connect to, everyone's been there. The second thing I'd say is what is this telling me I need to develop as a skill? Not what do I need to learn? What's the skill that I need to develop in order to break through this?

Maybe you're holding a blunt sword and you can't cut what's down in front of you. So it's like, okay, let me learn to sharpen the sword. That's the skill I need right now. And I think often when we're struggling, we're like, why is this happening to me? I wish this wasn't happening rather than going, wait, wait, wait, what skill do I need to learn? Maybe the skill is mindfulness. Maybe the skill is resilience. Maybe the skill is learning how to fight.

And if you focus on learning a skill, now you've got amazing ammunition for the rest of your life. You can pull it out of your toolkit whenever you need it. So I'd say that's the second thing. And the third thing that I say to myself when I'm going through a tough time or walking through hell is actually it's the opposite reminding myself when I'm in heaven that hell is just around the corner and reminding myself in hell

that heaven is just around the corner and both have to work together that when things I always say to people when things are bad work hard but when things are good work harder because we get so complacent when things are good

and when you get complacent when things are good the hell feels much worse and so just just live in this equanimity of I'm just doing my purpose whether it's hell or heaven. Yes, instead of being so extreme with the light and dark, it's like you're existing.

Yeah, I'm existing. I know what I'm doing. Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm going to wake up and do the same thing anyway. Whether it's hello heaven, I'm going to wake up and meditate. Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm going to wake up and work out. Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm going to try and serve and impact people. Because that's what I was born to do anyway. Wow.

Jay Shetty just served it up in hell. This is so fun. That was amazing. This is so much fun. I was like, I want to put. I want to challenge him and you knocks everything out of the park tell everyone where they can get your book

where they can follow you where they can see you live give me all the tea absolutely so if you want to read the book or listen to the audio book version which I read out myself oh gorgeous eight rules of love.com the number eight rules of love dot com and if you'd like to see me on tour I'm going on my first world tour ever very excited to a city near you head over to jsheditore.com and you can get tickets for the international tour

that is so exciting thank you for coming to hell we'll talk to you guys later bye thank you so much