Berner Phone - Jessie Jolles: Bulimia & Not Being Yourself

Episode Date: November 28, 2018

Jessie Jolles is a successful comedian but growing up she was an insecure, table humping kid who suffered from trichotillomania and bulimia. Over time, she learned how to use humor to gain confidence in herself and stop hating herself- it took a shit ton of therapy though. Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz Follow Jessie Jolles on Instagram & Twitter: @jessiejolles --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning in hell. I love that. Was that aggressive? It was frightening. That's good. I want you to be a little fearful. Great. Well, I am.

Because life is scary. Honestly, though, it is. It is. Life is so scary. Every day I'm like, I think I'm in hell. That's why I picked you to be on this podcast. Thank you. You're like, she's in a state of hell. Because you're dark. You're a dark person.

I'm dark as shit. But you have beautiful blue eyes. Okay, we just talked about cursing. Three seconds in your dress. I know. I said to myself. Because you know what? Is hell a curse word? To my mother, yes. That is adorable. Thank you. Your mother's adorable. She's the best. I love her. So for people who don't know you. Yeah. First of all, they're missing out. Yeah. Huge mistake.

Huge mistake. But now they will be, have a lot of you to. Yeah. Jesse is one of the one of a hundred creators from around the world selected from YouTube's women and comedy. It's true. She's a female. Thank you. And she's fucking hilarious.

Thank you. Herself, um, okay. She's been featured on time. Hello Giggles. That's the one with Amy Poehler. No, it's, isn't? Nope, that's Zoe J. Chanel.

Smart girls is. Okay, edit that one out. Edit that one out. Um, the Huffington Post, Cosmo, Funnier, Die. A lot of fucking places. Oh, I could name them all if I want to. do yeah so i see you as this girl who's so confident thank you so funny well thank you and then i find out you also you edit you produce yeah you're smart so intimidates me smart and funny i'm afraid

that you're going to just you know take over the world think i'd like to in a good way in a great way but i also am pretty close to you as a friend yeah and i heard that you have been through some shit for sure and i kind of want to talk about it let's talk about it i really don't hide it and i love to the point where like sometimes i'm on a date and i'll say something and i'll be like jesse at least wait to like date two or three to like put this on the table i like to in the very beginning be like what kind of trauma have you gone through that you will project on me and is it compatible with this shit i'm going to project on you yeah let me tell you like warning signs for me when you see me do this this is why immediately he like he puts something

ranch dressing on a salad and I'm like I'm triggered. My ex loved ranch. Please never use ranch in my presence. For me, I'm like, I had an eating disorder. I'm triggered. I threw up a lot of ranch dressing. Okay, great. Shit is getting real. She's getting real. We're cursing and we're getting real. But you know what?

Sometimes when you're getting real, a curse helps. Because you're like, we're okay. Like we're having fun. We're talking about this really deep thing. Just a couple sailors talking shit. That's how you become friends with someone anyway. Well, we became friends because you came into the office. We both are video producers at Betches. Yeah.

And I was insecure about something, and I kind of broke down to you. And you were like, I'm insecure about that shit too. Yeah. And I was like, are we in love? Right. And I was like, yes. It's all a game, too. And I also have tissues in case you cry.

I probably will cry. I'll say that right now. If you don't cry, I'll be offended. Okay. Well, I love pressure. I love pressure to cry. Speaking of pressure I kind of want to get into this

Let's get into it You're one of the funniest woman in New York City But I know that people are only really funny After a good dose of childhood drama True So like let's dig in You want childhood trauma Not yet I just want

I just think it's a good point that like Yeah you're only If you are only a comedian If you've gone through so much shit That at one point you looked at yourself In the mirror and you're like hey You're going to get a personality mister Because that's all we got

That's my path You don't appreciate a good laugh Unless you've had a lot of good cries That's so I always say that Like when you're crying You're right next to laughing And vice versa You know when you're crying

It's like how love and hate Are so close emotion And you're crying and you're looking yourself in the mirror And you're like Is this a laugh cry? Is this a cry laugh? Nobody knows Do I look beautiful? I always want to be a pretty crier

That's a side note You are a pretty crier That's nice that you say that Didn't you say that to me before I think I've always like I try to plant the seed in as many people as I can. So you're like, when I do cry in front of you, it's going to be hot. It's going to be gorgeous.

And you're going to be like, wow, I never knew that she was like so vulnerable. See, I hold it in and take it out in other people in different ways. But I want to cry more. It's on my to do list. I'll help you. But speaking of comedy, a lot of comedians are fucked up. So that's why I wanted you here. You perform on stage and on camera all the time.

What's your biggest insecurity about like putting yourself out in front of these people? By these people I mean strangers who are like Make me laugh clown Normally if I am at a venue And someone screams make me laugh clown I'm like okay let me just say one thing real quick I went to circus camp as a kid Tried out to be a clown

Didn't make it They were like you're going to be a fire breather And I was like uh okay I guess That sounds aggressive It was aggressive Should we do it in a video A little fire breathing action

Do you sound brand for betches It could be It was a weird time in my life We'll get to that later But I want to note Before you go on stage What's your biggest insecurity Besides just like not making people laugh

My biggest insecurity normally Is how I look That's like that's a seed That is always in my brain When did you first start getting that insecurity Because when you're young You don't give a flying fuck When I'm young

I have a bugger on my nose And I'm like I love life I wish that were true for me I feel like here's a fun fact when I was in fifth grade I lost like all my hair which is so fun

and people were like she has cancer and I was like okay run with it but I had trichotillomania guys look it up what it is

is it means I had such anxiety that I pulled my own hair out which is so it's almost like a therapeutic thing like it feels good to pull it's like a cut cutting but instead you're pulling hair it is true yes so uh at what point were your parents like oh she has a problem well you know at first my parents were like uh is it lice you know and i wasn't black hair eating lice is it the shampoo i mean i wasn't right out

fessing up to it well also you don't know when you're that young you're just like this feels nice and now i'm bald but yeah and my dad is bald so i remember It is true. It's very ironic. So I remember like my dad came into my room at one point and was like, Jesse, like, why are you pulling your hair out? Like, if I could have hair like I would. And I was like, I don't know. By the way, everyone at school loves this look on me. And like, I'm thriving. Were you? No. No, I couldn't have been in like a worse place. What do you think the anxiety was stemming from? That's a great question. I think I had anxiety just like. like off the bat, like, happy birthday, I had anxiety. I didn't know, like, why or from what. That's the thing with anxiety.

People are always, people will be like, what's wrong? And they always go, I don't know. And then you're like, I can't fucking help you. And then I would, what I do with my anxiety is I think I know why. I'm like, it makes total sense. I'm just nervous about losing this tennis match. But it's like a lot of people don't have psycho anxiety over just a tennis match. it's like it's the thing that comes with you in life yeah but it's like you have to learn that it's it's like a shitty friend you have right that you just have to tell to shut the fuck up right and not let it chill with your crew anymore yeah you can't chill with my crew anymore which is just me but yes you can't chill with us anymore yeah so when did you get your hair back yeah so uh I think at the end of fifth grade or whatever I stopped

Like, something clicked that I was like, okay, don't pull your hair. Note to self. Stop pulling hair out. So then my hair grew back, but it grew back like the way it does when a baby gets hair. Oh, like a little furry hair. Yeah, like it's not the cutest look. Did you ever do a wig or anything? I didn't.

I never did a wig. I did like a thick headband, which was adorable. Yeah, people loved it. They loved that look. It's so funny because in fifth grade, you're still, like, guys don't even care about girls. I mean, they kind of do. Yeah. They're exploring.

But it's really like six, seventh, eighth grade that puberty is hitting. So I'm glad that happened for you before. But that did shape me forever. Like, that feeling of looking in the mirror being bald. That means, like, you went hardcore. Because I know people who have just, like, spot. Oh, I don't do anything just a little bit. You know what I mean?

That's why I fucking love you. I know. I was like, oh, I'm not going to pull out a little on my hair. If I'm going to have it, I'm going to be the best in it. I'm going to be fucking bald. So yeah But that shaped me forever Like the way I felt about myself

Then is the way that I continued And I think that's why most comedians It's not like oh I had a bad breakup three years ago No No you have deep rooted shit Yeah From the first The first 10 years really shape you

Like I'm from New York City I experienced 9-11 And I just recently am like Talk to my therapist about how much that fucked me up And I'm like everyone at 3 9-11 They're like yeah but when you're 10 years old and that happens, that's when you're, 10 is like what, 10 is fifth grade.

Yeah. That's when you start realizing what life is. Yeah. Like you're like, oh, people can die like that. Like my friend's parents can just die one day. So that was fucking dark. And then I just started playing tennis to not have to deal with it. But all the anxiety from those other things,

I just would focus it on my tennis. Yeah. So my question to you is tennis was my thing. When did you start with comedy? So I knew from a young age I loved not being myself, which is why I liked acting, because I was like, oh, take a trip away from your problem, sister, and like just be somebody else who has their, you know, stuff together. It was a great escape.

Same with improv, because I always had anxiety. So I remember an improv, it was like, you have to be in the moment. You have to be listening, so I couldn't be thinking about all the things that normally my brain was racing. It's true. It is a magical escape. When did you realize that you were funny? You know, it actually did take a little bit because my brother, I have an older brother, who is also a comedian. So Danny, her brother, I just want to tell the fans.

He's one of the pretty big characters on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on CW. He was just on Colbert. He was just on Colbert. Yeah. So you both are in this industry. together. Right. What does that like? Well, that's hard. I mean, I remember being like, oh, don't do comedy. That's his thing. Oh, I hate that too. You ever, yeah, I, you ever have a friend that's doing something and then you realize, oh my God, I would love to do that. And then you're

like, I can't do it because this one person I know is doing it. Yeah. And they'll think I'm copying them or like. But it's like life's too fucking short. Totally. And he is a guy. So that does make it different. Like, we're not going out for the same part. You have different brands. We have different. We have very different brands. My aesthetic is different. It's true. Like Danny is comfortable playing sort of like a meek you know, character

and guy. You are not me. And right, that's the opposite of me, you know. Do you guys ever talk to each other about the hardships of the industry? I'm very supportive because I think that's the only way you can be with anyone. No, yeah, that's great. And jealousy is normal. I think that's something I tell myself. Like, it's okay to be jealous.

It's normal, but once you can control your jealousy, you will take over the fucking world. Right. As a tennis player, imagine as a young age, everything is comparing yourself to the other girls. My dad's like, why isn't your backhand as good as that girl? Why did you lose to that girl? So immediately, I was consumed by, like, you walk in a tournament and there's 12 other girls who look just like you who are 11 years old and they have a ranking and they have coaches. So I would Like be in intense stress if I was constantly comparing myself to these people

Yeah So once I overcame that which took a while Because you can't play your best when you're like so scared that people are going to think you're less than this girl Totally So once you can really be comfortable in your own uniqueness Right Then life you have better friendships You've better relationships

You're more successful You surround yourself with other people that bring each other up Especially in the female community Yeah, we have to be bringing each other up It's so easy to just be like That girl does this, that girl does that And the energy comes right back to you Right, and people talk shit about you

And I see no, men are doing whatever they're doing Well, we're fucking cloned out Right, we can't, we're taught to hate women So we hate women But then it's like innately like what are we doing We need to be supporting each other Like whatever I hate in other people Also I just hate in myself

That's what they say, whatever Yeah If someone hates you, it's like like their own shit. It always. It's their own shit. So that's why, with my therapist, yeah, therapy's great, guys.

Oh, therapy. We love therapy. Hamila, love her so much. What's your therapist's name? Naina. Naina? Yeah, I don't, I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's triggering to me because I feel like she's trying to confuse me.

Yeah, I'd be like, Nala. It's spelled Nina. So it, I was like, hey, Nina. And she goes, it's Naina. And I'm like, I don't know if this is going to work out. I'm going to call you Dr. N. N, Like, what am I going to do here? That's crazy.

Finding a therapist that's good for you is also very difficult. So I was jealous of a girl that basically got something that I already have. Yeah. And I was like, I worked really hard for it. Right. She didn't. And she was like, what? Yeah.

Why are you want? Like, she's like, that's just your ego talking. Yeah. And you don't know how hard she worked. Right. And I was like, I, you're so right. I hear you. Yeah.

So when you're on stage. you get insecure about your looks. Yeah. I'll like, that's something that I'll normally. People don't have you on stage because they're like, she's the hottest thing that ever happened. People want you because you will make anyone laugh at any moment. 100%.

That's just like my default. You know, if I go into an audition and then I don't feel like I did well, I'm like, well, you're unattractive. Like, you're not going to get it anyway. That's my default because that's like what's in my brain. I have to unlearn, unteach. Yeah, like the fact. that you've told yourself.

Yeah. You can go so quick to being like, you're shitty and unattractive. I know. It's like with me with tennis when I'd lose, I go straight to you fucking suck. Right.

I mean. When it's like, I clearly don't suck. Right. But this is where we are now. I got a full scholarship to do on school. I don't suck.

But I would literally be like, I don't know if I've met a worse tennis player than you. Yeah. Like I would like look at like beginners and be like, they're fucking better than you. Yeah.

That's your mind playing tricks on you. And it's like talking to your talking yourself back. And people can't see you right now, but Jesse has the most beautiful blue eyes. Thank you. And are you wearing mascara? I am. Okay, well, with mascara, her eyelashes are huge.

Huge. And you're gorgeous. Thank you. So that's the funny thing. Like, I would tell you if she's fucking ugly. She's not. Yeah. Which, by the way, I chose a profession where, like, it doesn't necessarily matter.

I mean, some would say it does. I mean, no, but then there's the argument that some comedians are funnier. when there's something like if they're a little bit overweight or if they have a big nose. I actually think it has to do with trust. This is something I've realized. Like I have come to the conclusion that I, women like me as a comedian, women like me in general because I'm not threatening.

I don't come in in a threatening way. Like I come in very much like. Warm motherly. Warm motherly. But also like, girl, I'm not going to steal your man. I can't even talk to a guy. Like I, it's so much to the point that they're like, oh, I'm really not worried.

about her and I'm like don't worry about me like my job is to make you like me like with guys it's the same thing where I'm like yo I'm gonna be like your little sister like that you're like oh nuggy nuggy like I never come in in a way that's threatening that's so funny and maybe it's why we get along well because I'm like so alpha yeah you are where girls don't will immediately not like me and I have to convince them to like me like hey I'm not gonna steal your dude I'm actually a nice person. When you come in already having that idea, like, oh, I'm the warm, like, unassuming girl. Yeah, right.

It's okay if you do that in a confident way, like, these bitches don't even know. I'm a fucking Tigris in the sheets. Tigris? Oh, fucking Tigris. Is it Tigris? A Tigris. Oh. But it's like, you have to find your own schick, just like you do in comedy of your own schick as a woman.

Right. And what you're looking for. Like, you know, when you're with a guy who makes you feel great by yourself? Yeah. It's like, you want to find that without him. I know. You want to be that girl without him. Because then they just fucking come to the water.

Yeah. And they're just want to drink that water. Because your water is good. Yeah. The tigers. There's enough to go around, boys. There's a lot of metaphors happening right now. A lot of metaphors in a watering hole.

Exactly. So speaking about relationships, let's get deep. What was your first heartbreak? This is so fun My first heartbreak My first heartbreak I would have to say was When I was in my

Whatever 23, 24 And I was a shell of a human I was heartbroken at like Three by a dude who I tried to kiss attack And he was like, no See that is a trauma Three, you were kiss attacked?

I was a horny little three-year-old Yikes Sorry, that's weird. I really wish I didn't say horny three-year-olds on air. Post will edit it out, right? We'll edit that out. I get what you're saying. I was humping tables at three.

If that helps. My sex drive was there. I was never a table humper. Wow, I was. I think it's because I played a lot of tennis. I was just tired. So I would just go to sleep at night. Oh, wow.

My parents had to sit me down at like 10 being like, so Jesse. Were you doing it at the dinner table? I was doing it in front of my babysitter while we were watching TV. In my defense, I was like, this is something I enjoy. and I'm good at it. Why would I not do it whenever I can? I'll put it on my LinkedIn. I was like...

Was it the corner of the table? No, this was when I was like tense. I was just like sitting watching TV with my babysitter and my sister, but just like going at it. Would you like get turned on by it? By myself? Yeah.

Yeah, I was just like, I'm going to masturbate right now because like I'm living my best life. I mean, I don't know I would go I guess, yeah The babysitter is like I respect that you're understanding your sexuality at such a young age

But this is illegal in New York City My parents brought it to me So obviously she was like Holy crap Imagine what she probably told her friends She's like hey I have to go to the jerkoff's house tonight I have to go to this house where this little girl is like So horny

It's way better though than if you're a babysitter like a little like seven-year-old boy just fondling himself staring at you i mean little boys do fondle themselves constantly i mean like 37-year-old boys fondle themselves constantly they were never told not to never told not to you can do whatever the fuck they want yeah and that's really we are living in hell so what happened at 23 okay so at 23 what was your self-esteem like at 12th 23 oh how low can you go you know what i mean i was in the last round of the limbo thing i was so fucking I was a wreck I was in the middle of my eating disorder like the prime and what eating disorder was it I was I think it's called anorexic nervosa whatever something like that where like I was

bulimic actively bulimic but I would starve myself until I was like wait I actually do need to eat so then I would eat so much to the point where I was like well if I'm going to eat this much I'm going to eat to the point where I can then just throw it up so it's a lot of focus on eating. How'd you have time for a boy? And that's actually why, like, I, like, guys were not a priority for me when I was in high school or college or even after, because I was like, I'm in a full-time committed relationship with your eating disorder. It drove my life. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship.

that's, there's no doubt in that and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind the scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the games

brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way. And we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with

Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball, Plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way. And we're hoping to, you know, make it run.

So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart women sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. I have a question. If there were no, you're straight. If there were no men on the planet, would you give a fuck what you ate? Yeah, it had to, it didn't have to, see, that's, it didn't have to do with your body image for men. It didn't have to do with even body image for a long, because I was, it was a control, it was a control thing. It was a control thing. It was a way for me to feel like I had control and it was a way for me to punish myself. It was a sick, sick thing.

But even think about the hair loss, that's, imagine one day looking and realizing you had no hair, that's a loss of control. Loss of control, exactly. And it's not like, I had guys in college or high school who would be like, I really like you, and I'd be like, you're a fool. Like, I'm insulted that you're lying to me. You are hard to get. It's turning me on. I'm so hard to get. I won't believe you. So many games I play, you know?

And they're like, what? Yeah, truly. Because I just, like, I couldn't get over my own shit, which I'm still working on. Yeah. It's a long time journey. It is a long journey. But, yeah, so at 23, 24, I had been. I started doing comedy, so I was like, oh, I think I found something that, like, I'm good at, but I also don't feel control.

Like, I've control in this. I also just feel... Yeah, because, you know, the control is all in the audience. If you think about it, like, you can nail all your jokes, but if they don't laugh, like, you can have five different audiences and kill it in three shows and bomb in two strictly because of the audience. It's true. I have taken away that power from the audience. A lot of times I won't listen. That's great because most comedians

Like I dated a comedian And he would go He would get off stage and be like That audience is fucking dumb Tonight and I'm like They're wait You had no college educating people on this show But last show they were all fucking

From Yale Like what are you talking about? You just have to sort of change it up And obviously not blame them And sort of call out whatever you're feeling I mean I've walked on stage And completely abandoned anything I was going to do And just been like

On my way here Like this actually happened Do you know how confident that is? Do you know how... That's the only place I've ever felt confident. Do you put them on stage with a mic and would never have the balls to be that honest? And that's why I wanted you on this podcast because... She's getting choked up.

I just drank too much this weekend. It's like... How many beautiful women I can have on this podcast that are too insecure to open up about their shit? Because, God forbid, they don't look perfect for a fucking second because there isn't a filter on it. and I don't want to be friends with those people I could be friends but like they're not the people that you actually authentically connect with because life is about

being like this is what I'm struggling with and you find connections in it totally and that's why I've connected with you I know I do think it's true like you can have a lot of surface friendships which like I just don't even believe in at this point I'm like I don't have time to talk about the weather

Hey do you want to grab a drink No is it just Probably not. Is it so you could do a little Insta story and say, like, oh, go ahead and dinner with a friend. Yeah. I don't have time for more than, like, I'm not into it. I don't have time for more than three close friends.

Yeah. I've always said to myself, like, I've told myself, you only need one close friend in any situation. 100%. You know, you don't need 25. You don't need everyone to like you. I like to rotate a bunch of men, but one close friend. That's right. Men come and go, baby.

Men come and go. But speaking of men, do you ever think that guys? get intimidated by your humor? I'd like to think that. I mean, how could you not? After a date, you're just like, he couldn't handle it. I'm like, honestly, after we got to the calamari, I could tell. This guy was off board.

He could not handle what I was rattling at him. But it's true. Humor is considered a masculine quality. Yeah. Because men would get women with humor and women would get men with their vagina. That is. A doctor term That's a doctor term y'all

Yeah Yeah That's another man's club That's another time I turned off my sexuality When I started doing comedy Because I First made a mistake

Of like Oh like you know You feel like you're the only Chicken and a You're the only hen In a cockhouse Whatever it's called I don't roosters

The opposite I'm from Brooklyn I don't know Like I was a PR major Where I was only women And then I was like Oh my God It's all men

I mean, they're all so messed up that, but you don't see that at first. No, at first you're like, they're like, they're confident and funny. Oh, my God, they're confident, they're funny, they have no issues that I can see. But then, you know, this is another thing, but sadly in the industry, it's like men don't also respect women who are getting in relationships or dating.

So I just never wanted that to be. And you mean, so if you were dating someone, they'd think you like weren't committed? Yeah, or like, oh, that's how she got it. shut. Do you know what I mean? I know a woman will kill and the other male comedians would be like

because she's a woman. 100% or they'll be like I was on a team sometimes where I was the only girl and they'd be like oh the girl was funny and I'm like I can't represent my whole gender every like it's too much it's too much pressure. It was a lot of pressure

too much pressure. I mean right now we are a female podcast I'm going to have some dudes on it maybe. I love talking shit too but what was it? Oh yeah I was insane Yeah. And people don't know me, but my dad's a salesman. I've been around it since I was born. I know sales. too that's so funny wait do we fall in love again but so i started sales right after college i was super competitive sure and i was a tennis player i was never really i played on the men's team in

in high school like i never saw myself in a sexualized way when i was younger i was just like the tennis player like my dad and i who's my coach it was all just about tennis tennis yeah so i wouldn't look in the mirror and decide if i was good looking or not i didn't give a fuck i wanted to be number one in the world. Yeah. Like, I did not care how it looked. Right. And it's weird, but my parents also never called me beautiful when I was young in a way

of, like, it wasn't valued. Right. Which really helped me. Which I love. Like, to this day, like, I came to this podcast, didn't look at myself in the mirror, then realized I might be on camera and thought maybe I should put a little thing on to look like I give a fuck. But that's all.

Yeah. So in the sales room, right. I knew I was going to do well. I had to prove myself, obviously. like they didn't they didn't immediately respect me but then I started doing well they were like oh it's because she's a girl she has she giggles and has like a sexy phone voice and I'm like are you fucking kidding me yeah and I'm like I get it if I'm like wearing slutty stuff and going on business meetings this is cold calling yeah you think a guy who who has to feed his children and

he runs a pizza shop that I'm selling digital marketing to gives a fuck if my voice sounds cute Maybe he'll listen to me longer, but he's not going to give me $15,000. No. So I dealt with being in a male field like that. Right. So tell me about this heartbreak that you've been trying to make me forget about by distracting me, and I'm easily distracted. That's me for you. Sneaky, sneaky.

Sneaky, sneaky. I started becoming really good friends with this comedian that was a good friend of mine. And I had never... That's not true. had you had sex before uh no okay definitely not no p in the v no p in the v i mean no even like uh you could be graphic i mean just straight out in high school it was like not even a kiss i hadn't kissed anyone until college oh my god i know i'm the and now we're really getting there but no it's okay this is good but i'm i'm just i'm an aggressive person right right my my mom i'm

Like, I think when I was like five, one of the parents of a kid was like, hey, Hannah had a play date with Jacob. And she started like licking his face. Wow. Well, I already knew how to pleasure myself. I know. See, I didn't masturbate until like college. Wow. I was busy.

You were busy, girl. Good for you. Do you? Yeah. High school, I was, you know, I was scared of a lot. I was very prude and I was scared of almost everything. You to this day are still kind of scared of a lot of things. That's true.

I mean, I'm not going to hide it. I still, yeah, I still am scared of a lot of stuff. I'm still, like, have that prude mentality, which my favorite part is, like, it's not like my parents, well, they are a little old fashion, but they aren't, like, breathing things down my neck. They weren't, like, wait till marriage. No. At one point, they were like, you should get some. Yeah.

I mean, that's really honestly been true in a lot of places in my life. People would be like, no, Jesse, you can chill now. I'm like, oh, okay, we're all doing it. Okay, cool. So, and then in college, like, I never could trust a guy enough to be able to be vulnerable. Like, I normally found a way to exit before that point. And giving him your body is the most, like, vulnerable thing. For me, it was, yeah.

Especially when you're dealing with some body stuff. Exactly. I was just like, what if he sees my body and is like, you know what? Do you mind leaving? Like, that was always my biggest fear, you know? When meanwhile, like, dudes just want to see tits. Yeah, exactly. I see a nipple and I'm going in.

Yeah, which that's a whole other thing, like, working through even like sexual. And how the male's brain works, which I'm still working on, you have to put yourself in it. And you were still, like, I don't even want to know what that water's like. A lot of water references. Yeah, you want to test the water, but also it's like, will it burn near? It's scary. I'm scared to go near the water. Water is a scary thing.

It is a scary thing. So this guy. So this guy was a good friend of mine who, and I should say that he's not the person. I did not sleep with him. Okay. but after a little bit it became clear to like a lot of people that we were like it was an emotional connection connection relationship to the point where I mean I had never once again even said I liked anybody you've had crushes before yeah but if it ever became like mutual I was like

just kidding you know what I mean I was never I was never able to I was always afraid. I would never tell my friends in college when I went on a date. They'd be really mad at me because they'd be like, Jesse and I... I would have fucking killed you because I would have been like, tell me everything. Right, and I would lie and not tell anyone. And they could have, you know what? They could have probably given you some good advice.

No. No. Or they could have been like, oh, I get nervous too before dates. Oh, I've heard that guy is an asshole, so it's okay that he treated you badly. Sometimes opening up with other girls about stuff is good. That's true. You have to trust them. I did have friends that told me to do something in college with a guy,

that then, like, I got super drunk and was like, I'm going over there and he was, like, sober. Yeah, and then all my friends, I did. And then all my friends came knocking on the door because they were like, he's a predator. And I was like, wait, you told me to do this. You know, it's so funny.

I was, like, at the end of a hookup with a guy, I could tell like it wasn't working anymore. And one night I got really drunk and I'm like, I'm going over to his place. And you're like, all drunk. I'm like, I'm going to give him the best head of his life. And he gets there. And he's like, asleep.

I'm like, hey, and he's like, what? And it was like the worst. And I was like, I'm going to leave. And like, I still remember that moment being so embarrassed. So embarrassing. Because the expectations versus reality, like to have a guy deny a blowjob from you is. Is traumatic. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma 101. Yeah. You're like, okay. Well, that's why I was like, I can't be like talked into things or like, you know, clearly they. Well, you have trust issues to begin with, so you feel betrayed by your friends. The dude you feel betrayed by it because you're like, come on, just take a blowy. Well, and yeah, he got weird after that, to be honest. He was like semi. I mean, he got- So you tried to go past the emotional and make it physical and it couldn't have gone worse. That was in college.

That was, yes, but no. So then I, with this guy, I was finally like, I think, like, I love you. Like, I think I love you. I think I really, like, want this to be something. then it got really muddled and then eventually it was like no was there physical stuff like did you guys kiss and stuff uh did we kiss yes but it was um but you know it sounds it sounds like a first love you're figuring that shit out yeah it i think the obviously the most hurtful part was how far i was able to go emotionally with him And also he had told me

I never was able to open up with him though Because he had told me when I first became friends with him Like his ex had an eating disorder And like something about like he never wanted to go through that again And I was like That's literally the worst thing he could have said Literally the worst thing But it's funny how then you were like

I want to see if I could deal with this guy Like I was like just never tell him I think what I realized then is like I was a broken person Attracted to someone also broken We smoked a lot, which I was like, oh my God, I'm able to relax with him. Like, no, no. No, the marijuana was relaxing.

Like, but I was telling myself like, oh, cool, look at all this I'm doing. Like, I don't care any. Like, he makes me feel like I don't care. It's like because he actually doesn't care about anything. Do you believe that two broken people? No. Can work. No, I don't.

Because some people are like, well, we're, he has anxiety problems. I have anxiety problems. Like, are you just feeding your own anxiety problems and not helping each other? Right. Sometimes you're staying in it. I mean. for myself I feel like you have to be a full whole person

to then Or in the ways that you're broken I don't I don't fucking like the word broken My ex when I met him was like by the way I'm broken And I didn't know what that meant at the time It just means like I'm Like he's basically saying like I can't make this work Yeah early on

Right But um I don't think anything is broken I think you might be like a glass that shattered a little Right It's like a, like my iPhone works great. I've dropped it a thousand times. Yeah, there's some cracks in it, but I can still fucking DM like the best of them. Right.

And I don't think broken is the right word. But I think if two people, everyone has their shit, it's like your shit has to be compatible with my shit. You can't be with a guy who's like, oh, I hate girls with eating disorders. That's just like the worst possible thing that you could do. But you're kind of like wanted to see if that could work. And you can't fix anyone also. The main thing is like you can't fix anyone else.

Like it doesn't matter what their thing is. You know how many people told me like, hey, you probably shouldn't be doing that. Or, I mean, some people tell you the wrong way. I had a friend who was like, if you don't stop doing that, like, I don't want you to ever talk to me about it again. I was like, cool, you're dead to me. But no one could ever make me stop throwing up. No one could ever make me stop putting my finger down my throat. You know, I had to get to a point where I was like, I'm not doing this anymore.

And there are some people that can make that worse for you. But there's no one that can really like just. Come into your life and, you know, give you a kiss. And magically you're like, oh, my God, I love every part of myself. It never had to do with them. And if my self-worth comes from someone else, not only if that goes badly, I'm going to go right down that spiral again. But I can't put all of my eggs in their basket. Like my basket has to be able to – I used to compare it to a tray, like a waitress.

Because when I was trying to get better, I was like, I can't be dating because every – Every time I started dating, it was like my tray was going like this, and then I would start spiraling because I was like, well, I know why he doesn't like me because of this. But then it's also like if you avoid dating because you think you're not ready, it's almost like an excuse to not try to like be yourself and be normal. And I mean, normal is a complicated word, but it's like I have friends are like, oh, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. No, you're holding yourself back. Put yourself in there. Just go in it and see what happens because don't know. No one's ever ready for anything.

Yeah. I guess I could see that. I just think you're like twitching. I can see that. I do think there are times where... It may not be the best thing for you, but you can't wait. It's like, you know, 20 years because you're like, I can't do this. You can't plan things.

And I think it just continue working on yourself and don't say, don't put red flags in your head. Like, I can't have men right now. I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with that. Right. be a little looser and chill the fuck out which is so much easier to say without putting restriction so

I love you I love you and I honestly feel so much closer to you even after this podcast and you're so fucking strong brave and confident to come on this pod and talk about your eating disorders and your mental health and you are killing it in the comedy industry I can't even wait to see what you do in the future you're recently in a Coles big Coles campaign

like a national huge colds campaign and like it's just incredible how successful you are with all this stuff underneath that you're dealing with and I think that I'm so excited to see what you do in the future and I definitely want to have you on again

to kind of catch up and see how things are going with you what you're working on how was hell oh it was great I've been here so many times it just felt like coming home you're like I have a time share exactly NBD

I wish we had talked more about you, though. Oh, people will learn. I think just to wrap it up, though, do you have one piece of advice for people who may be going through similar things as you on how you've coped to this time to be as successful as you are? Yes. I think the moment I stopped making my trauma or issues a secret, as soon as I started, like it took a long time too, but as soon as it wasn't this big secret I was keeping and it was like just to. a fact about yourself, it loses its power. So for so long, I hid having an eating disorder. And I felt like a liar because I was lying all the time.

But then once you start just being like... And then that's where shame happens. And you lie, you're more shameful. And shame is a terrible emotion to like have on your back. Yeah, because you're already, you already feel bad about it. And now you have shame on top of it. So as soon as you're just like, yeah, I'm struggling with this thing or I went through this thing, but I'm doing great now.

or even like to keep yourself accountable that your friend's like, okay. And be compassionate to yourself about what you're going through. Instead of being like, Hannah, how could you be going through an eating disorder? Instead of be like, damn it, Hannah, this must be tough for you. Right. And when you start talking yourself like that, other people like start talking you like that too. And then that's where the love comes.

The self-voice. Someone also told me and I try to tell myself because I have a little sister. Do you, you don't have? I have a younger brother. Younger brother. Okay, great. Well, I think a younger sibling is easier to picture this, but I'm like, think about what you would tell her in this situation. And I'm always like, wow, if I heard my sister talk to herself the way I spoke to myself, I would be so sad, so so upset.

And once you come to the realization that you're actually in control of your own self-voice, that's where the power comes. Yeah. And that's when improvement and self-growth and self-love comes. Right. And it'll take time. It's not a one-two-fix. Oh, yeah. It'll take time and you'll make mistakes.

But your brain is malleable. Yeah. Remember that. That's one thing I've been through some dark shit. Right. A year ago, I actually had to run a depression. And I was like, I'm never going to get out of this. This is me now.

This is me now. And now I'm sitting here starting my first podcast with an incredible talent. We have a room. We can't even imagine. imagine where we are. It's a really cool room. I love a room. I love a room.

Rooms are sewing right now. See it. See it. Soan, thank you for coming. Pleasure. And thank you. Whatever team fee is on, has a chance to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast.

in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels

and embrace the new challenge that we have. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.