Berner Phone - Kate Mannion: The Marines & Vagina Calzones

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

You may know her as "Kate Barstool" but her Dad calls her "Forest Gump". She's lived a hell of a live from the small burbs of Philadelphia to the Marines to comedy.  She explains why she wanted to become a Marine, her experience in Afghanistan, falling in love with a Marine, suicidal thoughts, and how one tweet changed her life.  Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram and Twitter at @beingbernz Follow Kate Mannion on Instagram and Twitter at @katebarstool --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm your host Hannah I'm your host Hannah We have a hot one today I'm here with Kate Manion former Marine and host of high-hater show on SiriusXM, ZeroBlog 30 Military Podcast and she's like a barstoo girl. Yeah.

I was a bet she's girl, so we're like kind of, you know, And similar. Interwine there a little bit. Intertwined. But you have had quite the life. Oh, my Lord. Yeah. My dad calls me his little forest gump sometimes.

It's like, oh, I'm a little forest. I'm like, Dad, I'm 32 years old. I don't know how to adult yet. But yeah, no, because I have had kind of a wacky path through life. And those kind of things fascinate me because when people have wacky past, it means that they ran into hell a couple times. Yes. Because sometimes you have to go to hell to get back out.

yes this is true that it makes sense but I discovered Kate I talked like I discovered you go on I discovered you I was with Everett Weston from Summerhouse because he's friends with the Summerhouse crew

that Everett told us to go to this healer heroes gala which is like mental health awareness and suicide prevention for our troops yep and I never talk about military military stuff so I'm like the terminology and people get so triggered

they're like she said troops in the wrong context like no you're fine it's like once i called my old gym teacher my gym teacher and she's like it's a physical education teacher and i was like bitch you're a gym teacher calm it down so you gave a speech in front of like at least a hundred drunk adults yes which is really difficult and you had us laughing and crying and like everyone was moved from your speech and i was like not only do you have a way with words but your story was so cool and Just looking at you, no one would assume that, like, you've been through it. Like, you don't not, like, tatted up or, like, I don't know.

One tramp stamp. You know, everyone has to go through that stage. Some people did belly button rings. Some people do tram stamps. I died my hair platinum blonde. Don't look at my Instagram. It happened. And I'd like to just get the audience kind of acquainted with you from the beginning.

Sure. You were a normal girl living in Philadelphia? Living in the burbs. The burbs. The burbs. Philadelphia suburbs near Westchester. I always tell people, you know, where the jackass guys come from. I grew up pretty near there.

Awesome. Pretty vanilla. Like, nothing that interesting. My dad is one of 13 kids. So family was always like super huge thing, but they're scattered all over now. So you're one of those that's like my cousin, my cousin, my cousin. You're like, how many cousins can a person have? I think I have like 42 first cousins on one side alone.

So, yeah, it's a lot. But they're like, grew up. Those were my besties going into Delco outside Philly. You know, have a smoke and a co-go, get a hoogie, watch the birds, man. All that kind of stuff. Is that Wawa land? Oh, Wawa land, for sure. I don't understand the fascination of Wawa, but I, I'm a proponent for good sandwiches.

It's an obsession. Yay, let's go get a Hogi, man, go wash the burgers. So, yeah. It's funny because I'm from Brooklyn, so I know the Brooklyn accent, so when I hear, like, the Philly accent, I'm like, what the hell is happening? What monstrosity is that coming out? Yeah, I have some of my aunts and uncles have it worse than others. But, yeah, so grew up out there. Did you ever have an urge, though, for, like, did you feel like you were?

a basic person. Did you feel like you were vanilla, even though you're growing up in a vanilla place? I always felt impatient to like, come on, let's, what's next? What's next? Like, I couldn't wait. Like, I knew state school was the only option once it was time to graduate, but I was like, well, I'm going to go to the farthest one. So I went

like all the way. Went to the other side of Pennsylvania, like a wild woman. Okay. And went there to play field hockey, discovered rugby and the rugby parties, dropped field hockey, became like Tommy Boy was my idol. I was like, that's what I want to be. I want to just gain a ton of weight and chugged beers

all day. And so I lived in the rugby house. Rugby players know how to party. Oh my God. Yeah. I just went. We're like a lot of us, like half of them are married with kids now. We just had a reunion. And it was just like a weekend in the Poconos with the girls. Someone got their tooth knocked out. There was like cigarette burnt. Yeah. Legends. It never ends. Legends. So I did that. My GPA dropped down to a 1.8. And I hit my senior year. And I was like, what am I doing? Did you have any like passion in terms of what you're studying i i heard you were also fellow communications major we don't like to brag we don't like to brag we don't want to brag or make anyone feel insecure but it's uh it's definitely i'd say the harvard of majors it's pretty pretty big deal my brother would be such a dick

he's like you study communications i'm like bitch what do you think i'm using right now what do you think i'm using yeah it would have been not smart of me to study something else how are we talking we're communicating it's true i always say we're like the gym teachers of the business world like you got that ed degree but you didn't have to do the math part really so you're like you got that business you're like in the business world anyway so i had a 1.8 and the idea of the military it's like sounds so cliche but i think i was in 10th grade when september 11th happened and i remember riding my little bike up into the hills and be like i want to do something and just feeling this like but nobody in my family had really and i everybody told me oh you're way too goofy to go into the

military so i did you have any military in your family i have an uncle who was a pilot in Vietnam, one of the 13, and a great uncle who was in the Korean War, but not actively like close-knit in my family. It's funny how people react differently to tragedy. Like some people just like want to forget it. Some people want to take action. Some people want to run away and disappear. And it's interesting how that triggered like a fire inside you.

Yeah, it definitely there was like, definitely some sort of like, ah, I can only describe that sound like, I just want to do something. Right. Yeah. That's great. Great feeling that I had. But I didn't know what to do. So I just continued on to college. And by the time I had one semester left, I had a shitty GPA. And I thought, this is a crossroads. You can either graduate next semester with a communications degree, the lowest GPA ever, like barely squeaking by and go into your cubicle farm. But you were fun. I was, oh my God. Yeah. I mean, I don't like to brag. I think it still am. Four point O for fun. Yeah. 4.0 on fun, 1.8 education. with smarts but I knew that it was definitely a crossroads I thought you're either going to continue this path of mediocrity and be disappointed in yourself or you can take that leap and do that thing that's been in the back of your mind since September 11th happened so I went home on Christmas break before my final semester and I just walked right into a recruiting station didn't think twice

I'm a very instant gratification person once I make up my mind to do it I walked in I was like excuse me can you please sign me up for the Marine Corps so was there any Any fear? I don't think so. I don't think I was, I don't think I understood the full scope of things because I was an idiot. You're like, I had at one point in GPA. I was like, this looks fun. Yeah, I'm a drunk rugby player with like a shamrock tramp stamp and a lip around.

Like, oh, this will be fine. So I don't think I like fully understood. And you're in the college bubble. You're not super closely. Was this ROTC? No, this was like I went and signed up for just. This is some real ass shit. Real ass shit.

Because ROTC was like, you're like practicing for it in college. Is that what that thing is? If you go ROTC in college, once you get out then, you go to a training, you become an officer. So you're not going to be enlisted. There's like the two groups enlisted in officers. Officers, they get their degree. And you can still become an officer if you don't do ROTC, but you're ahead of the game. If you do ROTC, you're already a little ahead.

Because we would have tennis practice. I play tennis in college. Yeah. And ROTC guys would be like jogging and I was like, I don't know what they're training for. Yeah. I hope there's not a war coming into Wisconsin. Yeah. No, they definitely, they had their own like house. They're kind of like their own little frat. Yeah. It's funny because sports in college, as you know, you played rugby. It is like a war, but real wars have death. So like most people, their biggest fear in life is death. So that's why I feel like you signing up to put your life on the line is like so unique. Well, I had also been riding kegs downstairs and things like that. So I wasn't that afraid of death. I think I was like that. I guess we're young. Death is.

Isn't like the forefront of your head. You kind of feel invincible. You feel so invincible. And when I signed up to, you're like, well, maybe I'll go to war. But the odds at all ever do anything like that. I mean, the military is so big or slim. And so were you doing it for you? Were you doing it for like you wanted your family to be proud of you?

You wanted to like write to your, what was the real root of why you did it? I think ultimately I knew I could be better. I was a mess. I mean, I was like a gross. I had become like such not a great. I was not a good friend. I was not a good person. I was just like a drunk mess college idiot.

Why? What were you suppressing? Ooh, that's a good question. I think I was really like sheltered my whole life. It was so vanilla that I needed to make my own excitement. So I was the one on Monday night who's like, who's coming to the bar? Let's go. Let's fucking go.

Because I had been so sheltered. Did you have any relationships in college? No. Got a lot, I don't know a lot of sex, though. And I thought you whispered. You're like, do you know what? Earmuffs, everyone. I totally fucked.

Yeah. No, but no relationship. You don't get a tramp stamp stamp for nothing. No, you don't. With the stem point right down. But, oh, it's face. Oh, I see.

I visualize. I love that. I love that. It's not colored or anything. Just straightforward. Straight to the point. Is it black and white? Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's hideous. It's black and white. It's Celtic. How big is it? It's pretty big. I got it at this place in Western PA called mojos like the day I turned 18 I was like I'll take one of those please on my lower back

yeah it was so I was trying to dig I was like is there something rooted in your past and you're just like yeah I was bored I was bored like literally I think that's where like a lot of I was just so bored it's funny because people like need certain stimulants to be happy yeah I think because I was playing tennis when I went into the normal work world I was like this is not enough right and now I'm in like the TV world and I'm like this is the high that I need it and people are like are you I'm a maniac and I'm like, no, this is, this, this is the high that I want. That's where you want to be. That's my, like, normal.

Yes. And I feel like with you, you might be similar to me, but you were living in a world where there was no stimulants for you. Yeah. And like, listen, my parents, amazing people. I had everything you could ever want. Like, boring. No, I'm just kidding.

But yeah, like, we never, we were like average middle class. My big vacation every year was the Jersey Shore. Never really left the tri-state area my entire life. I had never been out west. But you were aware of the world. I was aware of the world but not I had never traveled like Western PA was like a big deal like whoa you're going all the way to Western PA man so I knew there was more out there I couldn't wait long story short I joined the Marines over Christmas break

Merry Christmas mom and dad surprise what did they say they were pissed they were really pissed I think their parents you're like oh my god are babies did you expect them to be proud and not pissed I knew it was going to take them a minute because I had fucked up so royally at school and everything and I was like uh so I think I did it too because I knew they had worked so hard to put me in school that I also owed them too like I'm going to fix myself I'm going to fix this I'm going to be a better person and I'm going to do the things that I know I'm capable of I knew I needed a good kick in the ass for sure and what better of the branches to kick you hard in the ass than the Marines so I just went I was like all right those are those

cool commercials where it's like the guys in white and they're like join the Marines and you're like ah and then you're like he's kind of hot I'm going to kill a dragon with a sword and do that guy Yeah, that's like the vibe that it was. It's funny because growing up in Brooklyn and experiencing 9-11 when I was in fifth grade firsthand, I was full of so much fear. Like I would have nightmares that terrorists would just break into my house. I was full of so much fear, but it's interesting how like you growing up in a slightly different environment was full of like hope and excitement and like I want to do something.

Yeah. And like it's because of people like you that make us feel safe. Well, looking at me. That might be scary to anyone who has seen me, but yeah. So you joined the Marines? Yep, joined, shipped off. Like, it was like a month or so later, I was gone. They actually had to cut.

I didn't realize, like, how serious boot camp and stuff was either. I tried to go with the belly button ring. They, like, cut it off with a pair of clamps before I left the MEPs. They're like, oh, my God, what do you think you're getting into? So I had no idea. And it's in the middle of the night, your head's down on your lap. You pull up to Paris Island. All of a sudden, they swarm on you.

They, like, like, spit. streaming out of their mouths onto your face as you get out and stand on the yellow footprints and it was like, oh shit, this is real and I'm not going anywhere. Did you regret it or were you like, okay? I was like, okay, I knew there was not a doubt in my mind I wasn't going to finish and do well.

Like I knew it's a game. Suck it up. You'll get through it. There's a song, you know, Burning a Hell podcast, this country song, If you're going through hail, keep on. Anyway, that's terrible. Yeah, no, I like it.

That little song kept on playing in my head the whole time i was like just keep on moving going through hell just keep moving and so yeah that is actually one of the best pieces of advice that like yeah if you stay you're going get burnt you're going to stay there but if you keep running you'll get through somewhere you get past it right keep moving keep doing your thing i did a podcast recently about course correction and they think like tony robin said something like doors will be opening but like if the once an opportunity opens you got to go that moment or you'll be like pushed back right it's almost like when 9-11 happened you felt it and there was like an opportunity for you but you were like

I'm not ready yeah and then right before your senior year the door opened and you jumped jumped I had to yeah I can't think of I think if I had hesitated if I had waited who knows what would have happened yeah I just knew you might be sitting at a desk or like working a wawa in Philly yeah I could very well no offense to people smooth dude you more impact squersmer so yeah I mean I'd be crushing it for sure but I know at one point I was like I'm going to leave and work at the Pepperidge Farm Factory doing cookies. Well, thank God. I was like, I know. That would have been great. I mean, probably would have been cooler than the friends, honestly. So you get there, you're getting yelled at. You know that you

signed up for some crazy shit, but you're mentally prepared. Mentally prepared. And once you get into the swing of things and you realize that it is like a big mental game, then you once you figure that out and you get the whole teamwork thing down, it's really not that hard. There's challenges, but you can do it. I slept like a baby every night because you don't have to think for yourself they everything is being told to you you don't have to make any decisions at all you just have to listen you just have to listen and to me i'm like they always say like i i hate to say but like i'm a fault give me instructions i'll nail it tell me to do things on my own initiative who knows what wacky shit you're going to get i don't know you get a tattoo on your ass yeah you get

a so i thrived in that environment i really i did well i really loved it what was it like being a woman in training so how many other women were there the first one I went to like my job school. That was the first time because it's still, the Marine Corps still segregated when it comes to boot camp. They're changing it slowly but surely. So that was all women. And then it completely flipped where I think out of like 98 guys,

there was only two women at my next, yeah, the next thing, my school training. And that also to me was a good thing because one, I felt hot as shit. Oh my God. You must have just felt like you're walking in slow motion always. Yeah. Like as you walk by,

as you're like doing. in some like whatever crawl thing they make you do you're like yeah boys yep you haven't seen a vagina in weeks hot stuff also it was so motivating to me because i wanted to be better than them and i knew so many of them didn't think that i should be there that it just was like oh then i'm gonna kick your ass like yeah it was like the most motivating i think i accomplished things that otherwise i probably couldn't have without the motivation of wanting them to feel stupid which is really sad But I remember we have to get sprayed by this OC spray. It's like the military grade strongest possible pepper spray that you can get sprayed with.

And they stand about as far apart as we are, like four feet. And they say, how many fingers am I holding up? And when you open your eyes to tell them how many, that's when they spray you like three times across, like just right above your eyes. So it drips down. And once they do that, you have to run through an obstacle course and do a couple takedowns and stuff like that. So they were like, Mannion, front of the line. Because it was either, I was either going to look like an idiot in front of all the men. or I was going to crush it and they knew that they couldn't if they saw a lady do it like of course they'll do it so they the officers used you as motivation for everyone yeah yeah and I did I had snot it like gets your mucus glands going I had snot from my nose I'm tall I'm like five foot nine all the way down it was like dragging on the ground still attached to my nose and I was like got it marine corps and you just like you know and you get through it how bad is pepper spray the fucking worse afterwards can we cuss on here

Yeah. Okay, good. It's the fucking worst. I, afterwards, they just have you walk in circles on a basketball court until you can all finally, like, that's all you can do. Just walk in circles, walk in circles, walk in circles. When did your comedy brain insert itself during that? I think even in boot camp, I remember at the end of boot camp, I wrote a poem for the drill instructor. That was just like a wacky, funny thing of all the things that happened.

They were like, oh, damn the dog, that's good. That's silly. And I was like, oh, yeah. Devil Dog. Yeah. And, like, even in the dorms at IEP when I was. sucking at life. I would write a newspaper for our floor in Wallace Hall that was like, here's the crazy shit that happened this week, everybody that I put on like around the halls

and people loved it. So like I always like doing that kind of shit. You have to laugh sometimes when you're in such horrible situations like 7 a.m. running because like one girl was late yesterday so now we're running three miles. You got to laugh at it sometimes. Even if the coach is getting mad at you, it's like, would you rather me cry? Right. And I feel like sometimes my personality would come out, but it was overall suppressed slightly. Yeah. Because they don't necessarily you're not like cheering you on for being funny it's just a side thing so it's crazy that like our next career being funny is actually like appreciated and glorified before it's just like a side thing like by the way she writes funny poems too yeah not going on your fit rep that will not help

you get promoted in any way or move ahead the military has such a sick dark sense of humor you have to but it's the same thing like you said when you're all getting in trouble when you're all getting fucked over you have to laugh at it or else you'll just be so miserable so everything is funny like you can find humor in the darkest worst situation and you're you are like a team so it's not like you're alone doing shit like you could look at one person and be like god damn it and like get find humanity in someone else yeah so what's the next step in this journey so finally get out of the marines i move to new york so small caveat when i was 24 and between deployments i deployed to afghanistan twice. Okay, so wait, you went to Afghanistan.

Yes. What the fuck happened there? So the first deployment I was on, it was called a female engagement team, and because our men, our whole, the whole plan in Afghanistan was coined counterinsurgency, which is to build up the infrastructure and the government strong enough that terrorism can't thrive there anymore. Okay. Because the government and stuff was so weak that terrorism was able to just take over and build the camps that allow things like 9-11 happen, blah, blah. So the goal was to build up the infrastructure. So that meant having Marines in every little nook and cranny, even way out in the boonies to help build up the roads, the schools, the this, that that. So you were like working

with Afghanistan's infrastructure? Yes. And so infantry battalions were out doing that. At the same time, there's still so many, I'll just call it bad guys out there, that there was a lot of fighting. And so I got sent to Marjah Afghanistan in 2010, which at the time was probably one of the top five like most volatile areas. Were you scared? Oddly enough, not really. I think every time you left the wire, it was like a very real possibility. But after a couple times, you're just like, the first time I left the wire, I was like, oh my God, what's going to happen? And then after a while you're just like, well, here I go.

But so the guys couldn't, it's all men in the infantry. They couldn't talk to the women. And that's half the population you're missing out on if you're trying to help build up the local whatever. So schools, hygiene stuff to help with health and medicine. So you were connecting with the women of Afghanistan. Right. It was me and one other woman with this infantry battalion.

our job was to go around the village and we had like medical outreach we did um we would have meetings with the women and bring them stuff and we sent out sewing machines and did a ton of searches because the guys pictured they're wearing the full body burkas they could it could be a mrs doubt fire situation you don't know who you've got under there so we did a ton of searches at vehicle checkpoints all kinds of things you'd want people listening to know about women in afghanistan that they might not know before i went i had the idea in my head of all that that I had seen on the news. And honestly, I was like, everyone there is bad.

It flipped on its head so hard when I got there. And I have so much sympathy and empathy for these people who are stuck in the middle. The one person described it who lives there was like, we're like a soccer ball. The Taliban kicks us this way. So we do what they say because we don't want our family to die. And then you guys come in and kick us the other way because we don't want our family to die. And like, we're just stuck in between.

And you would go into their homes knowing they're stuck in this situation. and in this war-torn country that it's been war-torn since, like, the 70s, pretty much. And they're powerless. They're powerless. And they would have nothing. They'd have all these kids with no shoes on their feet with, like, flies all over them. And they would give you tea. They would dump their whole thing, like their last sugar for the month into your tea

so that you could have their finest things and serve you their finest glass. Like even though they had nothing, they gave you everything. Their hospitality is so unmatched. Like, it's crazy. So people with no electricity, running water, there was none of that. there and they were so kind. Also, a couple times our guys would be up front having like a Shura, having a meeting with the men.

So it would just be me and my partner in the back with the ladies. All of a sudden, they knew all the guys were up front. The burkas would come off. The cell phones would come out. They put music on their little cell phones. They had cigarettes. They were dancing. They were like fucking cool.

Yeah. And they, I have a couple of pictures. They had makeup and stuff. And they loved. They loved putting makeup on me. They would always point at my wrist because I'm so pale. And so then I'd come out and we'd have to. patrol back through this like dangerous area and I'd have like Mimi from the Drew Carey show like

blue eye shadow cheeks on and I'm like I am so sorry guys but I couldn't say no but yeah no just I loved the women there so did you like when you had to go to Afghanistan as opposed to when you were like training yes because that's when you're in your drink of the Kool-Aid you want to go you want to because that's what you signed up for yeah they're like all right raise your hands if you've been over there before and you're sitting there without raising your hand and you're like oh man I can't wait so I can raise my hand too and say I went I did this So, yeah, no, definitely wanted to go. So you did it two or three times?

Did it twice. Well, before the first one, fell madly in love. Madly, madly crazy in love. Love of my life in love with another Marine. Of course. In training. Shooting a fish in a barrel for a lady. You're like the only woman.

But fell like head over heels of this guy. First deployment, we decided to wait to get married. We're like, let's see how this first appointment goes. Because who knows, he was sent away to a dangerous area too around the same time as me. And we had no contact besides tailman. drama like i'm talking my friend and she's like oh my god like he has this new job and he says he's gonna be really busy and you're like yeah he's getting sent to like a really violent war-torn country it was the day we said goodbye that first time because we both knew we were going to like

really rough places like i really thought that we might not it was like the worst day of my life oh my god i'm tearing up we're not together like i'll maybe get into that but yeah and i still like every time I think about that moment it was probably the hardest moment of my life so far I think maybe well you're learning about you're learning about love you're learning about kind of not taking things for granted

yeah and your whole perspective of life must have changed from this it totally did and we wrote and then you know we wrote each other letters every day did you send him posters of yourself with your tramp stamp for him to put up actually once we got people would send us Polaroid cameras because the kids

in Afghanistan never get to see themselves they don't really have a ton so we would take polaroids of them and they loved getting to have a picture of themselves is huge so one time they not have mirrors over there they are sometimes but it's like not that common especially no electricity no nothing like they oh imagine america with no mirrors that would be amazing it would be fantastic but they somebody had sent polaroid so i took a polaroid of my tits and then mailed it to them i'm like here you go ha ha ha so yeah that was that was like sexting 101 and i would like sext in letters sometimes like ooh wait So why did it end? Do you have to tell me? Well, so get back from the first appointment. It was the, he comes home. It was the best.

We get married in between. Oh, my God. And we know, yeah, I got married at age 24. That's some, like, intense love happening. And in the military, it's so common. So many people get married young because it's so intense that you feel like it's the only thing. You're like, I never want to let go to you. Yeah.

And you, like, swear, nobody can tell you otherwise, you know that that's the one. And, like, it's so dramatic. You're fighting for the country and for his love. Yes. And we knew we were both deploying again. So it was like, if we don't now, you know, whatever. So we get married. Was he the kind of guy you thought you'd marry?

No, he was so much hotter than me. I was always like, how the fuck did I pull this off? Oh, my God. But personality-wise, did you like him? Loved. He was like, like, exactly. Okay, what happened? You're going to break my heart.

What happened? I know. So second deployment comes and goes, and I should mention during each of these appointments, we each had a couple moments where we lost people. that we were super close to like a couple of marine buddies got killed and I think that affected us both in very different ways he was like big tough guy silent type very funny best marine ever and then second deployment came and we both lost a really good friend right at the end of that one and then was it from just like warfare yeah he are um he the guy that I wear these little bracelets he got like a few weeks before we went home a sniper got hit by a sniper and so yeah and only child um was engaged to be married when he got home kind of thing and it just like uh i know it affected us in in different ways but we got home decided to get out of the military and move back to new york why he's from i knew for me it was always i i just need to do this and do my time and you felt

fulfilled and i felt fulfilled i knew for me it wasn't a life thing he had a more difficult time deciding ultimately decided to get out too um his dream was to to come back to new york city where he's from So I followed him here. We were married, followed him here, finished school at Fordham. Did you have an identity moment where you were like, who am I since you're not a Marine anymore? Or you still feel like a Marine always? You definitely, it changes so much. Like when I first got out, I was still so like, I was easily like that triggered veteran who was like, whoa, dude, it's like Marine with a capital lamb.

Like I was that annoying fucking Marine that like now I'm like, who the hell is that? Ignore all the annoying veterans on your timeline. Maybe they're getting over something. I don't know. It's what do you think they're getting over. Yeah. You're in such a massive bubble that, like, reality, everyone else's reality is so far from yours that you're... How was your mental health after from seeing, like, friends pass away and being in that intense environment?

Yeah, it was really rough, and his was, too. But he was really good. He was going to school in the city, and I was going to a different school. I went to Fordham. We were living in the Bronx. Studying what? Communications. Hey!

Hey! And that's when there had been, like, small signs. when we were in but once we got out i realized that it was his drinking was not a phase and i think now that there wasn't the structure of the marine corps anymore was it a problem beforehand for him or it kind of escalated after hindsight's 2020 but it was one of those things when we're in i'm like oh it's the boys club he didn't go to college like i did he never got it out of his system and it was so few and far and you're fun i mean you're with the marines we did crazy stupid shit when we were in on the weekends and stuff like that everybody did so it wasn't that crazy but when it continued and got way worse once we got back

to new york it just got worse and worse and worse so are you drinking i was but not to the extent to that extent and he was also but like bartending at the time and all that stuff so it just you know that lifestyle just yeah yeah um and bars here are open tall were you guys aware that you were possibly dealing with any mental health issues no i think we were both completely like not us did they not warn you in when you like say i'm done is there not like a something that helps people transition or at least say like hey you might want to look into these organizations because i know they're like healer heroes and stuff and the headstrong project is great no i had no idea and um even like as an athlete they like kind of warn you they're like yeah you might deal with some like identity

problems after or like you might feel withdrawal symptoms they don't fully prepare you for like when I quit tennis. Yeah. It's like they, so they give you like a week long class on your way out where they're like, here's all the resources, but it's so much you walk out with a giant binder

and you're like, oh my God, everyone just wants to get it over with. Yeah, and you also think it's just like a stereotype of a Marine and you're like, I'm not a stereotype. Yeah, nobody wants to be like labeled that way. And especially me, it's easier,

but again, you have guys like him who are like the big tough guys who, you know, they just kind of hold it in. And he's fun. And he's fun. So much fun. So slowly,

as things were working out for me professionally I got the John Stewart at the Daily Show and he was still there, did a veteran immersion program so I was going there once a week and that was amazing. That's when I was like I got to do something in media. How are your parents feeling right now about you? Right now? Like at that moment you got the

the Daily Show and like program. They're liking you. Are you feeling like that fulfillment that you wanted of not just being a normal Nancy? Yes and when I finished school so I graduated Fordham with like a 3.89. So like I had six bitch yeah I fixed it it it was still communications but I fixed it yeah and it was like look see I knew I could do it all along I fixed it is by the way here's the way here's that and was everything

easier after like getting your ass kicked yes I couldn't wait to go to school the second time around like I was a new person pretty much like everything I was excited to learn I had a goal thanks to the daily show I knew I wanted to be a media and comedy somehow some way so after that I got a job at Comedy Central in the production department bottom of the totem pole yeah like just in a assistant but it was great because now I was really getting to see how things worked and everything from the back end while I was doing stand-up at night so all this good stuff was happening professionally but at home like my life was falling apart yeah because everything that was going on so I would get done work and I would just walk the streets in my little pay less flats for like miles because

I didn't know what to do I like didn't want to go home because he was probably drunk yeah and I didn't like would see an angry junk not it wasn't so much that was knowing that he wasn't going to come home that night oh yeah it was that kind of thing uh and it's so funny because he's so hot he's so amazing yes at the end of the day it doesn't matter how hot or amazing someone is if they don't have their mental health together right it was like having being married to two different people yeah and more and more the the other person was coming out and my i was so heartbroken because i didn't know how to fix it and coming from like a big irish catholic family you like bury it deep down you don't so it's like you don't tell your family and divorce is not like a thing

not an option. Catholic people want to do. Yeah, it's like, and our family, it wasn't really a thing. Nobody got divorced kind of thing. And everyone drinks in Irish Catholic family. Right, everybody's drinking. No one has a problem. No, oh, yeah, none of us who have problems have problems.

But you don't talk to your, you don't tell your parents about your spouse because that's just not something you do. And so I was kind of very isolated up here. Oh, that sucks to not be able to talk to someone. Yeah. And I didn't know about the Headstrong Project or anything like that. And it got worse. worse and worse to the point where one day I just called my boss in and I was like I quit I quit my

job because I felt like all I was doing all day long was thinking about him and like how it was falling apart and how I wanted to like save him and do something and maybe I just need to like get a job closer to home and try harder to save him I need to try harder. This was your comedy central job yeah and so I quit and next thing you know I'm interviewing at like a ramp company nearby the apartment so I can be closer and like have better hours and whatever and everything just but i was in such a dark place how old were you i was probably i was almost 30 i think i was maybe 28 wow that was older at this point we yeah we're married for five years when this was all like the final like year it was really falling apart and i like i still love him so much that i did not want it to end i was whatever so i was

willing to give up like not what it sounds oh it's willing to give up everything but i was i would have rather have had that work out than like my dreams at the time well that was part of your dream it was is having a family with the man you love husband yeah it's part of my dream yeah abs that's my dream being a five with a 10 man that was the dream and i was living it but yeah so i didn't want to let go i knew i'd never get another well you merged together so you become just an eight we became the hottest eight in town and we were so good but yeah so long story short i was in such a dark place and that's um finally called the headstrong project because i saw it on twitter i was in such a dark place that like not to get super dark but i was like thinking about ending my life at that point because

i couldn't see a future it's crazy looking back now it's i sound like a crazy person but i couldn't see a future without him in it and i couldn't see me ever being successful without him by my side and I felt like no success would ever feel good without him by my side like being there because I was like so in love I know it sounds crazy it is crazy I guess but you were in love with the person that almost like died yeah like he wasn't there anymore it I swear it sounds so corny but like when we finally got divorced um I was like I feel like a death has happened I felt like it took me I still it's been like two years now yeah and I still it hits me in waves but I think I'm still mourning it still makes me sad oh yeah but so your suicidal thoughts were due to like your husband like trying

to cope with his PTSD maybe with drinking just feeling like I was letting him down like I felt like I was watching him drown and I couldn't get him because you're his partner yeah it's like you're his marine partner and you're supposed to be saving him yeah and I think too like he was the only person who knew you go through a lot of intense stuff when you're in the military and like he was my person that knew everything I had been through. I was like, I can't lose that. That's my main support person on the planet. Yeah, it's like when you have a therapist and you've told them everything

and then you get a new therapist. You're like, oh, I can't tell you everything in the beginning again. Right. Yeah, it's like, oh my God. But, yeah, eventually, you know, life goes on. You talk to the Headstrong project and what did they do? They, within 24 hours, which was huge. This was at a point where, like, I was legit.

Like, I had the spot. I had, like, it written out. Like, I knew what bus to take to get where I wanted to go to do what I needed to do. It was, it was, like, pretty well thought out. You mean to kill yourself? Yeah, yeah. Can you tell me how you're going to do it? I was going to jump off the George Washington Bridge.

Why? It's pretty dark. Why? Why? Because I felt like it had the drama and flare that I... We're so sick of me. I know. I can just hear the car's honking, like, come on, bitch, either jump or get back in your car.

It's such a New York situation. Like, I'm walking here. I'm trying to jump off the bridge. I'm walking. Yeah. So I had the drama and the flare also pretty irreversible. Like, it's, you know, know there's no you're not going to survive that for sure um and and quick quickness and he was not

someone you could talk to during this he was so and he was having so much trouble of his own that there it wouldn't have yeah there was nothing he could have done for me you lost you lost the love of your life yeah so you headstrong project within 24 hours yeah so i called them one day i was like standing over here down by the hudson river i was like going for a walk and i called them and within 24 hours I was sitting there talking to somebody and every week after that and then that is what helped me start moving forward

it got those ideas out of my head because I was not thinking clearly when you're thinking like that you're spiraling I was not with reality at all so they helped get me back on my feet back on the ground I was seeing reality again and they also they never pushed me or told me to do anything but I think it also gave me the strength to say

this is so toxic it's such a cliche it's so toxic but this is so toxic that I can't stay anymore more. I need to leave. So packed up my little Honda CRV in the middle of the night one night and I left and I moved back home, lived in my aunt's basement, got a job. I was working in concessions at the 76ers and so I went from working at Comedy Central Farmers. Now I'm living in my aunt's basement like selling cheese cups and popcorn. But you weren't suicidal anymore? Nope, not anymore. And it was still awful. There's still a ton of ugly crying. Don't get me wrong. Oh yeah.

The ugliest crying is good. It means you're at least like getting some stuff out. You're not suppressing like you know you're at your rock bottom and you're experiencing it yes yeah because you you know when you're like walking around pretending everything's okay but inside you're like you're dying it's better at least be like i'm at rock bottom because it's only up after you're ugly cry it is only up and it's great for burning calories and all that jazz oh yeah but yeah no no so so bring me back up bring me back up i'm so sorry i'm like let me make everyone depressed no no we're we're at hell right now and it's definitely i can feel the flames but how do we get out of it. Here's how we get out. First was finally telling my family everything that was going

on. My parents had just sold their house and to move into a little 55 and up apartment and they were all excited. They were on a trip. They had no idea any of this was going on in my life. And I called them. I was like, I'm in your driveway with a car full of shit. And they were like, what? Huh? Oh my God. They were like flabbergasted. So first my family, I was like so embarrassed and so ashamed. My family huge just for like, here's our wing. You're under it. everybody was so good to me my family lifted me up being open and honest with everybody to let them know what was going on was the first biggest thing getting over the embarrassment and getting like realizing everybody has their own shit it's not embarrassing they just want you to be okay yes and they just love you and they want you to be okay that's literally all they care about whatever that was the first step everybody surrounded the wagons and like helped me out they got me a place to stay um my uncle helped connect me with somebody who got me the concessions job even though it wasn't what i wanted to to be doing, they said, it's going to keep you busy. Take this job. Just be busy right now. That was the other thing, just keeping occupied. So it was long hours on my feet, on the move,

low pay, whatever. But it kept me on the move. But it was a mental choice. So you're not home alone crying, ugly crying. So I had support now. I had something to do and keep me occupied. And then they also made sure that I continued to go to therapy. So I checked in at the Philly VA. Amazing. And I found myself a therapist that worked. I think that's the thing too. Like at first, like the first few just didn't do it for me keep looking it's okay it's a process it's almost like dating yeah and you have to find something that you feel yourself around yeah you feel open and you feel understand you and some people just their vibe might not make you feel the most comfortable and that's okay but it starts with being honest with yourself to be selfish for what you want to get better yes so

just finding that and no it's not an instant i'm an instant gratification person so you want to be better right now it just takes time like it's still something i'm working on yeah and one day you're just going to be like oh i didn't think any negative thoughts yesterday wow it's not something that you can like actively push and force right your brain is malleable and changing and like you can't just click a button right no to make it shut up it's always a process and then like slowly but surely once those things fell into place i started writing again and i started doing comedy writing for it's called the duffel blog but it's like a military version of the onion cool and that then i had a little friend group within that who's who's you know always supporting me and then somebody at barstool started reading

my tweets. I was like, I'll just try and make my Twitter as funny as I can. I'll try and write as often as I can. And, you know, I'll still be doing this concessions job, but who knows? Yeah, I heard there's some viral tweet in the story. A vagina calzone. Please tell me what it is. I'm so excited. The one day I was on a lunch break and I went and got a calzone and it came out exactly like a vagina. It was like a foot long with a big whole hole in the middle with a pepperoni right on top of like cheese oozing out of it. And I was like, oh my God, this looks so I tweeted it. Obviously this vagina calzone. and somebody at Barstall, of course, does a blog

every time there's like a tree or a carrot or something that looks like genitals, they write about it. So people started tagging him because he was also in the Marines, it turns out, small world. So through our veteran Twitter community, they're like, chaps, you've got to see this, you got to see this.

This other Marine has a vagina calzone. So he slid in my DMs and he was like, do you mind if I write about your vagina calzone? I said, by all means, he had me on his podcast afterwards, because Zero Block 30, the military podcast. afterwards I said hey I noticed you guys need help with your social media can I do that for you and he has been like my number one well he's the guy you have the serious show with right yes hi haters high haters and he ended up after doing that for a little bit he vouched for me so hard

Dave Portnoy who's the head of bar stool had never heard of me nobody had heard of me no I didn't have anything published besides this military satire site I had nothing to stand on how is your Twitter following. I had like 4,000 followers, tops. But a good vagina calzone. But a great vagina calzone. So I had no following. I brought nothing to the table. I went to the interview. Dave was like, so what's your deal? What's your background in sports? It was like none. What's your this? None. What's your that? None. Well, Chap says you're good, though, so you're good. And hired me with full benefit, everything. And so it turned my whole life around. And that was from just, if you're going through hell, just keep moving. Being stagnant and doing the same. thing and dragging my feet home every night feeling a sense of dread for almost two years did nothing for me it didn't do anything for me and also if you were sitting at home you would have never gone and ordered the vagina calzone it's funny like even with creativity it's like if you're in a block same how you are mentally in a block when you're depressed yeah keep moving and like you'll have a conversation that inspires you you'll see something on the subway that inspires you like as long as

you keep moving the universe is throwing shit at you all the time but it's your mind that can block shit off. And I just love how, like, you always kept your head up and kept connecting in authentic ways with people, whether it's your family, other military people. And it's okay when things fall apart. Oh, yeah. And one of the things that helped was asking myself, what's funny about this? I can always stop. And even in the worst moments, be like, all right, time out. What's funny about this? So even in the darkest moments, if you can still laugh a little bit, I went through a tiny phase there where nothing was funny and there was nothing funny about it. But eventually, like, looking back, now I have, like, a whole notebook full of jokes about it.

Like, there is funny shit about it. It's the human experience, man. It's a mess. I think part of it is, yeah, how can you laugh at stuff? Because if you lose that, like, perspective, shit is boring. And as we know, boring is the worst. It's true. It's true.

There's this, like, funny Netflix documentary called memes or something. And Paris Hilton said one of the greatest quotes. She was like, I just really don't want to die. Why? Because I feel like it would be super boring. So on that note, we're going to end with a final game. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Greedy. Oh, food.

If there's like one brownie left on the table and some old lady is like walking over and I've already had one, I'll probably be like, excuse me. Dick it. Is that wrong? Are you, or you're at a party and you're like eating a shit ton of shrimp cocktail and then like you see people? people around and you have to pretend you never saw it you're like oh my god shrimp cocktail i didn't see this i'm just going to taste one what have you had one i haven't oh my god that's my move yep who are you envious of oh who am i envious of people who are really good at adulting people who are like have their shit together and i'm like oh yeah i'm supposed to send the run out yesterday right marie condo people that's who i envy a little bit like i wish i had a little more of that i have all my envelopes of taxes in my bed right now.

Just in my bed. Like I feel like maybe it'll just like merge into my computer that's also in my bed because that's where I do work sometimes. And I'm like, maybe if I just leave it there, it'll all figure itself out. Nope. It hasn't yet. I'll keep you guys posted though. What are you gluttonous about?

Oh. Besides brownies. I already said the brownie thing. Is it tension a bad answer? It's a great answer, actually. Like when I can make people laugh that I like just want more, I just, yeah. That's very good at what you do. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath?

Because you seem like a pretty lighthearted character. Yeah, it does take a lot. I have a little, my piece of shit car still, I have it out in Queens. When somebody's driving like an asshole around me, I feel like, they say people get like different in their cars. I become like a different. I've become Brooklyn, Kate. I'm like, what are you? Get the fuck out of it.

Wait, what's your like Philly thing that you yell at people? I'm going to throw a hoagie at you. Probably, I yell this fucking guy. This fucking guy. I put my hand up in like a little knife hand I'm like this fucking guy And then I applaud If somebody cuts me off

And then they're stuck at the light I make sure I applaud real big so they can see me I love the sarcastic applause I know I get oh that's good Passive aggressive it's great When was the last time you were a sloth Ooh god Every day

But like you were a fucking Marine It's sad now And I feel like you were like Partied hard and you worked hard That's our envision do You were like We're doing a Kingston We're going to crawl under this ladder.

Yes. The last time, though, every now and then I'll have that Sunday where I know I wake up and I say, you're not leaving bed. And I just some gross piece of shit. But I'll see you're committing to it. So it's still. It's okay. You're like, I'm going to do this.

And I'm going to live up to my expectation today. Yes. I love a day in bed. But two days in bed, you get stuck in your thoughts. Yeah. One's enough. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? Oh, God, all the time on Twitter.

I All the time Because you have How many followers Do you have now On Twitter? I think almost 60,000

Something like that You're beefy And it's because People at Barstool Once they start Retween you It just you blow up And it's like

I didn't do anything But I'll take it That's pretty fun But But I get guys Mansplaining my own Jokes back to me Sometimes

And I can't just Let it go I can't just It's that Sunday Where I'm laying in bed All day And so I'm on my phone Too much

Because you have time to like put together the perfect response now like you're not on the subway you're like i have internet yep 24 hours right now and i'm going to use it and i don't care if they don't have an avatar and that their name is at boner jam 69 472 3 8 9753 with no followers yeah i'm gonna yeah i'm gonna yeah i'm gonna clap back at him so fucking hard his head's gonna spin and then afterwards chapsil text me and be like really so you're doing today i'm like oh yeah okay that's that you're like i'm just spreading love yeah yeah i'm just fighting the patriarchy i actually had a a tweet that got the most hate ever recently

I wrote if you're a guy and you text with an exclamation mark I will never fuck you and a account retweeted it that has like a lot of male like my female followers were like oh my god this is so true and then my this account had people writing like I will find your family and kill them all and I was like what like men hate being told that you would want to fuck them and also then I wrote because I'm I had to

I wrote in the comments I'm like sorry guys I was just trying to help. And then like, and also, like, 400 people like the comment about killing my family, so that was annoying too. Oh, great. But then I have random messages from guys now that are like, oh, my God, your exclamation mark tweet actually really helped me. I'm just saying, if you got it on a dating app, you have a guy that says, hey, exclamation mark, how are you?

Exclamation mark, question mark. And then you have a guy that just says, hey, what's up? Who would you respond to? Hey, what's up? It's true. It's true. The exclamation point is the cargo short of punctuation. She said it.

You heard it here. You're first. Yes. So instead of just hating on a tweet, maybe you should see if it actually could help you. When was the last time you lusted over someone? Ooh. Oh, all the time. I'm 32 now.

32 is kind of prime time. It's kind of prime time. Yeah. I was reading about it. You're just lusty all day. It's, uh, yeah. Your body's like, I'm ready to do something. It just is.

When was the last time I was lusty? Oh, Vigo Mortensen. Somebody asked me the other day. Oh, my. God, he was so hot in Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Eastern Promises. Have you seen that one? No.

I love the blue eye. I love blue eyes. Yeah. Vigo. But he's in that, the letter, whatever. The green book or whatever it is. I haven't seen that, but Eastern Promises, he's like this Russian mafia guy covered in tats. And there's this bath scene where he's like fighting these guys in a bath house and his tail flies off.

And you're like, oh, oh, oh, Vigo. Somebody asked me the other day, something about Lord of the, and his thing popped up. of the thing. I was like, oh, yeah, Vigo. Vigo. It's such a hard name, too, like, Figo. Vigo. I'm going to have dinner with Vigo. Ooh, I just, like, orgasms saying Vigo. Vigo. I know. Have you dated since the divorce? Finally, yes. Took a long, long time. And then finally started seeing somebody, I'd say, like, a few months ago. And then I panicked and I dumped them. But then I was like,

wait, that was silly. And they were patient and awesome. And like, hey, No worries. We're not rushing in anything. So yeah, I'm kind of seeing somebody right now. That makes me so nice. Yeah, they're like the nicest person. So to wrap this up, because that was a kind of cute thing to end on, what advice would you give to people who are experiencing hell besides just to keep going in terms of someone who's actually like been suicidal, been heartbroken, had a divorce, and now you're kind of fucking killing the game. I hope hopefully

hopefully things continue the way they are. I would say I go to open mics and listen to comics and stuff like that and try and do my own sometimes and I heard this comic recently who talked about a friend who took their own life and he said I just wish he was back so I could tell

him hang on buddy don't worry because you are going to die like we are all going to die. You don't have to rush it. You don't have to rush it man. It's coming for all of us. So like we do only have a certain amount of time but there's always time to turn it around if you had told me years ago that i would be where i'm at now i never ever would have believed you i would have told you to go fuck yourself i thank god i held on and life is so much better now i'm in it's like a different world hold on

it's like hold on because when you're not when you want to like leave the world it's because you don't see hope or the future because you've made a plan that like it's only yeah it's good It's like this. God laughs in your face when you make plans. Yeah. And like you literally, I couldn't plan that I was going to be on a TV show. No.

Like, what the fuck? But like, I just kept going. Yep. And we're both keep going. Who knows where the hell will be tomorrow? Who knows? Don't give a hope. And seek help.

And if it doesn't work the first time, keep seeking help until it does. And what organizations do you recommend for people who are, who know people who have gone through stuff with the military, or with anything overseas? I would say getheadstrong.org, which is part of the Headstrong project. So getheadstrong.org.

It is cost-free, stigma-free, no paperwork, literally none. And even if you're active duty, they'll take you secretly because people are afraid if I go to seek mental help while I'm in, they'll take away my security clearance. I can't do my job anymore. My unit will look at me dumb. They're in cities all over the country and near bases. And within 24 hours, like I said, they'll get back to you.

and they will make sure that you're going to be on the path to be okay. So they care. They really do. And so many people care. So, yeah, that's a good one. That's amazing. So, guys, follow Kate Mannyin. Is it Kate Barstool?

Kate Barstool. At Kate Barstool on Instagram and Twitter. Yeah. Okay. Nailed it. Nailed it. I got nothing else. And you also have to listen to her podcast Zero Blog 30.

And also high haters on Sirius XM. Yes. Hannah, this has been awesome. And hopefully I'll see you at Caroline's on Broadway. Oh, yeah. Oh, my first life show. That's awesome. I'm definitely going to invite you.

Please do. And I might have to get you on stage for a sec or two. And April 16th. April 16. Go to handiburr.com. Get your tickets. Use a code B-E-R-N for 50% off. Bye guys.

Bye. You know,