Berner Phone - Kelsey Cook: Her Pandemic Divorce & Dealing With IBS

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

Hilariously talented Kelsey Cook comes to hell to discuss beating boys in foosball, getting divorced they day before quarantine, and how her comedy career came to be. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

on Halloween, deciding I actually was Nala and I was going to scratch all the children. So these, yeah, I get, they're like, she's great at characters. Amazing. Please cut her nails for tomorrow. Thank you. Children are scarred. Welcome to Burning Hell. am so excited when i have hysterical people on the pod and this one's a special one we are going to hell

today with kelsey cook i was on her pot a while ago all the way out in los angeles and she has a new special out on tv friday february 26 called unprotected sets on epics which is going to be epic kelsey cook welcome to hell welcome to hell thank you so much for having me i'm so happy to be here I'm so excited you've actually been at the top of my list of like cool girl comics to reach out to but like sometimes you know I'm like she's she just looks really busy I feel like none of us are really that busy right now I feel like the amount of podcasts that everybody's been able to say yes to in the past year is it's almost embarrassing it's it's kind of embarrassing like you know how if you go on Apple and you can see if you click on a guest you can see all the other podcasts they've done the amount that I have said yes to it's it's like what else does she doing but also you can just like see someone's mental health spiral through the podcast like one week i'm just like harping on like one specific issue that no one cares about and the next day like my mom pissed me off in some way and i just talk about like how she pissed me off and making oatmeal

like there's nothing to talk about so i don't even know how we're doing this much content but i'm proud of us especially in the beginning with quarantine it's like you'll say yes to do in a podcast just to have a fucking conversation with somebody you're like that sounds like a lovely 12 o'clock like let's just catch up and put it on the internet. I'm not the most social person, even though it might look like it at times, but to get out of your own head, even if you don't want to, talking to someone will always, even if it makes you, you know, worse, at least you're different than before. At least you're not just in that alone space on your couch.

Now you're pissed off about something else, but at least it's not your own head, you know. Anyway, you have a very interesting life. You have a very interesting history. You have a very interesting skill set. you're quite fascinating because if someone just looks at you you kind of you know look like a Barbie doll and then you're like wait I have you're welcome wait I am way more nuanced than that but you're also an extremely successful stand-up yeah I mean you've been on the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon a little late with Lily Singh you've been on TV

appearances but my personal favorite thing that you do is well you're a professional foosball player and you have like a TV show where you just rock comics a lot of male who come on and don't know you're a professional foosball player. So please give me the details on how you even got to play foosball. Yeah. So my parents met playing in a professional football tournament. It's the foundation of my life. Like I literally would not exist without it, which is so sad. But yeah, that's how they met. And then they had me and I had my brother. and there's pictures of me playing when I'm going to be two years old, standing on a stool so I could be tall enough to see the top of the football

and like my hands or my mom's hands on my hands helping me to play. So they've been teaching me how to play my whole life. Were they trying to make you like a great foosball player or was it a hobby? Oh no, they were like, this bitch is going to win titles. I mean, it was a hobby for them in the sense that they both had actual careers, but they, it was a huge part of their lives and still is. They didn't meet drunk at a frat party foosball. Like they met out of foosball.

Oh, okay. Wait, so they're both professional fosball players. But you're also, one of them's a yo-yo champion? Yeah. So they, so back in like the 80s, foosball was going, it was exploding. And so there were these huge tournaments throughout the country. And there are still really big tournaments now.

It's just been so slow because of COVID. But, so people would go. travel around the country and play in all these tournaments. And so my parents met at one of those. But my mom is now, she's a retired high school teacher. And my dad is a trumpet player and a symphony. But that was a huge part of their lives. And my mom is, she's in the Fusball Hall of Fame. Oh my God. I have, but I have so much respect for that. Like, that's fucking awesome. To become really good at anything requires so much skill, even if it's like basket weaving. 100%

doing your nails like regardless of anything tiny things but foosball it's so funny because it's such like a hobby drunk blackout get into fights for no reason sport exactly what do you have to do to be really good at foosball like what are some qualities a person typically has great hand eye coordination because it's funny you're talking about that most people

think of foosball in that fratty sense it's just like a shitty bar game whatever but when you're playing at a league level people go watch it if you want to go just see the best people watching go to one of the tournaments in Vegas people's brains fall out of their assholes because they cannot believe that you can play at that level because most people just walk up to a table start spinning the rods it just is chaos but in league play you there's no spinning um there are time limits on each rod there are specific passes specific shots certain ways to set up your defense and

So to be good, you have to put in so many hours and you have to practice, like, your wall passes and your lane passes. And then you have to find what your favorite shot is. There are things to perfect that, like, people didn't even know was a thing. But I feel very connected to you because you are not only a comedian, but you're also extremely athletic. And, like, I played on the boys tennis team in high school because our team didn't have a girls team. I ended up, like, winning this New York. championships and stuff. That's so cool. But there was a lot of controversy because I'd be on the court and I'd win, but it's, it was a high school. Like I was playing actual national international

tournaments, but it was a fun high school thing to do in the meantime. So when I was playing these kids who like smoke weed and play during the summer, I'm like, if I lose to this guy, I will like freak out. But the guys would lose to you and they're like, it's a lose, lose situation. I'm like, I actually feel a lot of pressure because if I lose to you, my dad's going to yell at me. But they basically we're like this isn't fair that the girl's in the court but when it's not a physical match like when it's not like a sport that involves like pushing or you know like basketball you have to like post up it's like it's very mental so when you came up with the idea like are you playing against guys or is it like co-ed what's a situation with that okay so at a major tournament there

are all these different events and so it depends what you enter into if you enter into something like mixed doubles. You are going into the event with a partner of the opposite gender and you're playing a team that is also, you know, one of each gender. And then there are like women's singles or open doubles. So it kind of depends what it is. But if you get into an open event, it's kind of like what you're talking about with tennis, you'll be up against dudes. And, you know, that it is kind of extra fun to be a guy. It's you're basically the queen's gambit, but for foosball. So you come up with Riss of Fury, which I fucking love because there's nothing better than embarrassing male comics. They had the egos. I mean, there's a certain level of ego for sure. But like male comedians especially, I think, have a certain confidence that can be applied to anything where it's even if it's, even if they know they're not good at foosball and know

that I've been playing my whole life, you still can get the vibe. times are they walk and going, but I bet I can beat her. See, that makes me, I don't want to get upset over that, but it makes me so mad because it happens all the time where guys are like, oh, my friend played in high school, you guys should hit some time. And I'm like, bro, have some respect for my sport. Like, have some respect. Or someone will, like, hate with me and be like, you know, one day I'll beat you.

And I'm like, again, that pissed me off too. Like, I don't go and play a professional baseball player and like, fuck around to go, you know, if I trained for two years, I think I'd beat you. Like, shut the fuck up. But I get too mad about it Like I definitely need to talk to a therapist about it But I want to fight people I once that gun to fight with this football player at Wisconsin

Because I played for you know, I could play tennis I go You literally push people around That's your technique pushing I have to actually have skills of hitting a ball You will never be able to hit the ball Ever as good as me Where I can push with the same technique that you push

I just need to get bigger And if I was a dude I'd fuck your shit up in football And we like got into a big fight but again it's probably just my ego years of repressed rage like coming out in this one moment and it's like maybe I shouldn't fight with like a 280 pound football player right but rissa fury what are some what are some funny situation you've gotten into because do they know how good you are when you play it depends it depends who's coming on the show and if they've done any research ahead of time I mean early on so there are the cocky ones won't the cocky ones they're

rolling no no no I think there's probably I think there's 23 episodes out right now. They're all on YouTube. And early on, when people would come on and the show hadn't really been out for long, that's when I think you would get more people that didn't really understand how, like, how long I'd been playing. And then later on, there'd be comics they come on and be like, well, I've, you know, I've seen the last couple episodes and I'm a little afraid, but I also feel like maybe I have a chance, whatever, you know, that whole thing. But yeah, It is really fun to put these dudes in situations where the punishment is going to be so extreme. Like, still my favorite punishment on the show has been that I got to wax Steve and Azizi's chest into the letter K for Kelsey.

And, you know, it's just, it's there something in me that when I watch them, if they can even score like one goal, they get this light in their eyes where they're like, I can do it. And then I love just like, I've watched it because sometimes like people will, it's, it's hard to probably play someone so bad because they do weird shit that you wouldn't, it's, they're like not playing the right way. So occasionally they probably have lucky shots. Yeah, I play ping pong where I'm not, I'm not that good, but like I'll beat all the male comics. But occasionally, you know, they could like hit something crazy and it's like, okay, good shot.

But it is funny to just crush that little bit of hope when they see it. But I do think it's good for feminism overall. I'm proud of you. Thank you. And you know, I appreciate that you can relate to, like, if you were to step on a tennis court and play somebody who's not very good, it kind of limits how good you're able to play as well. It puts a lid on it, right? Because if somebody's not hitting a volley back to you at the speed, the accuracy that you're used to, then you're adjusting to this weird, almost like JV, middle school sort of play. And it's the same on Ritz of Fury where sometimes I've seen a couple comments where

I mean, it's not that good and like it makes me so mad because there are times where you can't play at your normal like a league level of play if the person you're playing with is kind of Kelsey a thousand percent they say that like

playing someone who's worse lowers your level and playing someone who's better increases it and I have this thing where like my current boyfriend is obsessed with tennis so he makes me play with his like beginner friends but then I feel like I'm kind of like I have to show off and be like incredible the whole time when they're literally hitting me like not even tennis shots like I don't even know what that was they're like they're way high in the sky and come back down and you're like drop shots serves and then

like you're spacing out too and then like you'll lose a point because of your partner and they get mad at you and you're like I'm not like leave me alone so I totally understand it's just hard out here you know it's it's hard I hear being so good at something but then I I mean, I put pressure myself all the time when I have to play with, like, people who aren't that good to be like, okay, I need to like be spectacular this whole time. So they're really happy that they played with me. Well, and that's it, too, is that the premise of the show is that I am supposed to beat the shit out of these people. And so, like, if they get a weird goal in on me, not only do I hate it because I'm just so competitive, but I'm also like, it's filmed. And I don't want people being like, oh, well, I bet I could beat her.

It's just like, oh, it's a lot of pressure, you know. You also are good at basketball. What are the sports are you playing? Because I've, I've like seen, I can tell talent when I see it. What sports are you currently playing or you did play? My parents put me into sports really young. And so I've played basketball and volleyball primarily in my whole life. I played soccer for eight years, but stopped before high school.

But like basketball and volleyball were the two big ones. And then I also, I really love tennis, but I wasn't playing like. consistently enough to be like you can't like take the season off like with soccer no i've been amazed at your videos i'm like holy shit you know my god it's it's really cool to watch but yeah i saw you hit a three-pointer and i was like okay we're picking her on my team if i ever get in a weird situation the comic there is a fun like um basketball like near a comedy club thing where all the comics play basketball and then some of them like announce it so it's pretty funny because they're like what the fuck was that and they're all out of shape so like we need to

get in on that game at some time i'm pretty good at basketball but i've tiny hands um i mean i've big palms and like nubby fingers good for holding a racket or a penis but that's about it you have a little you've longer fingers i have small hands but i have freakishly long arms i actually have been starting to do a bit about it on stage that i don't know if you had this happen at your like at your junior high or whatever but i we had a dress code that girls couldn't wear shorts that were longer or that were shorter than the length of their fingers to their sides, right? And I remember I put my hands to my sides in sixth grade and looked down and was like, oh, no. Like, I'm going to have to wear men's ginkgo jeans to not get expelled.

I mean, like, I'm not, whatever that whole thing is where it's like, oh, your height is always your wingspan. No, I'm only 5'4 and my wingspan is fucking crazy. Like, I don't know why I have very weird. So you have the ratio of a professional basketball player, which is. incredible. I have oddly long arms. So, anyway. So growing up super competitive, how has that benefited or hurt your mental health? Oh, what a question. That's a great question. As someone who's very competitive and knows my answer. Yes. I think over the years, I've been doing stand-up for 11 years and I've tried to figure out this balance all the time of

basically being a competitive perfectionist with myself where I think it serves me well in certain ways because I push myself really hard. I don't accept a shitty result from myself. I really, really do everything I can to try and show up and be my best. But I also am so hard on myself that there are times where I can't enjoy certain accomplishments because I just pick it apart and go that could have been better you could have done that differently and uh yeah so it's i've i've won tournaments holding the trophy crying because i'm like my coach and i were like got in a fight about how i was didn't play well and i'm just like i forget it like and everyone's like what honey are you good i yeah that's so i love that you can appreciate that because yeah it's it's it's it is a high

There's a high to competing, but it's weird because they always say, like, you don't want it to be too many highs and lows. Right. And you just kind of want to enjoy the journey because then it gets to the point, too, where, like, the highs aren't, you don't, you're not getting the same high. Like, by the time I was in college, if I won, I felt nothing. It's like, thank God. I needed to win. And if I lost, it was like, this month is done. It's almost just, like, maintaining, like, the amount of heroin, yeah, which is graphic.

but you have this incredible podcast with Delaney and Taylor Tomlinson and you guys, it's called the self-helpless podcast. You guys really have delved into mental health. What is your experiences with anxiety, depression? If you could just give me a little lens into that. Yeah. I feel like I've been a pretty anxious person my entire life. I can look back on memories of even elementary school and stuff like that and just being a very anxious child um the first this is told to my dad during a parent teacher conference in first grade and um apparently on the first day of first grade it was like a new school for me and I had I just would cling to like parent figures and so my first grade teacher was so sweet and um the first day felt this like bond with her I was like

okay, this is kind of my substitute parent for the day. And they let the kids out for recess. And my teacher told my dad at a parent teacher conference that she led the kids out for recess, turned to walk away down the hall. And then she felt this like tug on her skirt and looked down. And I just was like, excuse me, exactly, where are you going? And she was like, oh, this small child like does not understand. She's like, we got a clinger. We got a clinger on our hair. I didn't understand that it was safe that I could be away from her. So, yeah, things like that that obviously the rest of the kids were like, cool, dope, going to go play on the swing.

Didn't even think twice, yeah. Didn't even think twice. And I was very concerned that I was not going to be able to see her again and didn't know what I was going to do. And, you know, also it's first day of first grade. You don't know anybody yet. We all have those stories of, yeah, like me crying when my mom left. and then on Halloween deciding I actually was Nala and I was going to scratch all the

children. So these, yeah, they're like, she's great at characters. Amazing. Please cut her nails for tomorrow. Thank you. Children are scarred permanently. Yeah, I think I've been anxious for a long time. With competition and anxiety, it's funny because anxiety, like, can drive you so much to be better.

But it's like, do you ever feel like if you're not winning? you're not enough, or do you ever feel like everything in your life is kind of a game that you have to win? I'm just throwing stuff at you that I've experienced. Yeah, 100%. It's, again, it's kind of like what we were saying before about where do you draw that line. It is hard to not turn everything into a competition, especially in this business that is not only so competitive, but with social media now, we are all literally quantified. It's put into, a number with our followers how popular you are and so it's really sick it's so sick and it creates this hierarchy that's actually really unhealthy like with the trolls at the bottom trying to like tear down

the ones on top because they're not like humans anymore and then yeah it's just become sick I didn't read the full article about the hierarchy clearly that I was talking about you get the we just we just did an episode of self-helpless about living a more public life and just the assumptions people make and the entitlement that people have. I watched a lot of YouTube beauty videos and I was talking about on the episode that there's this girl who kind of took a break from posting videos for a couple months and she started to get all this hate from people that are like, oh, like, looks like you're too good for us to post videos and basically calling her lazy and entitled. And then she posted that her dad

passed away and like that is the sort of just it's so sick how people and by the way like YouTube is free you know what I mean like these people are watching for fucking free like they're not you anything but this is the fucked up part all the abuse and the bullying it's abuse what people do online yeah then when she finally explains what happened it doesn't take away the abuse that everyone they're just like oh sorry I didn't know and I even I watched this Netflix documentary about this hotel murder or the hotel death about this girl who disappeared at the hotel and these online sleuths decided to like try to find who did it and they found this one guy staying at the hotel who was like a metal rapper or metal rock star and he would um talk about death all the time and they were convinced it was him

and they spread this whole thing that like you killed her you killed her and like hundreds like thousands of people were just on his page you killed this girl and turns out she committed suicide it was it was proven and then they interviewed him on it and he was like no one said sorry to me once like he's like i quit music he's like i have PTSD from it i couldn't go anywhere like so you like even sorry clearly i'm strong on this but even the brittney thing like these people are like how dare you treat brittany so bad but then you scroll their timeline and then you spreading rumors about other celebrities and taking them down and it's like i i just i don't even know it's horrifying We talked about the Brittany documentary on the recent episode of Self-Hupless, too.

And that is just such an intense example of, like, how somebody's life can really be just picked apart to the point where, you know, it's that Lady Gaga quote where fame is a prison. It's just, it's just crazy. Yeah, you're like, I want fame, but now I'm like maybe just a certain amount of fame. And then I move to live with some goats. Yes. There's a point. It's like more money, more problems. Like there's a point when you make a certain amount of money where it actually.

is problems and maybe it's that with fame too. Dan Cummins has a great podcast called Time Second. I was just talking to him about, I think sometimes you get a certain period of time into doing stand-up and you lose sight of why you started in the first place and what the ultimate goal is. And we were talking about that one of the biggest goals is just to have fans that love your comedy and want to come out to shows. And it doesn't necessarily mean that's indicative of like that you're getting recognized on the streets all the time or have to live this crazy life. And it's that's kind of a good reminder like you said. It's like, okay, what are what are we trying to get like how famous do you actually want to aim? Yeah. It's funny too

because I've heard comics also say that in their like older comics and their height of fame that during that time they were getting obviously the most hate. So they actually felt their worst. So it's like and they wish that during that time they just heard the positivity but it's like when you're doing well obviously the haters are going to come out yeah but also i want to know your journey into stand-up as they say a lot of comics are either addicts or athletes or both so do you agree with that or like how do you think you have used your competitive mindset and your athletic past into being a stand-up comic yeah that's i haven't heard that before but as soon as you said that i just did like a roll-a-deck scroll in my brain of comedians and I was like, addict, addict, addict, athlete.

I was like, oh. The athlete addict addict, yeah, that makes sense. I've been pretty fortunate to not have issues with addiction. I mean, I guess in a stereotypical sense, I probably am addicted to anxiety, but not so much to substances, but I think my athletic background made me look at pursuing comedy. The same way I have was sports where it's like, well, I want to be the best that I can be at this. And so I'm going to take it really seriously. And I think that's probably, I just go, whatever it is, I go really, really hard into it. So I started when I was in college. And we love that. We love

that hustle. We love the hustle. Yeah, I started when I was in college. And then after I graduated, I went to the Seattle scene for a few years there and then went to L.A. And shortly after moving to L.A., I ended up meeting Jim Norton and asked if he ever needed an opener. And I did one weekend with him that went well. And like the next week, his manager sent me the rest of the dates for the year. And I just remember, like, crying at my receptionist desk being like, oh, my God, you know. I also love that you had the balls to be like, hey, if you ever need an opener. Like, that's intimidating to go up to someone who's so established and just be like, pick me.

Yeah. Well, I had him, I used to have a different podcast before Self-Hupless. And Jim had tweeted that he was coming to L.A. to promote his special. And he asked his followers, like, what podcast should I do? And some of my listeners at the time were tweeting at me like, oh, try and get him on, try and get him on, try and get him on. And I didn't, he and I didn't know each other at the time. And so at first I was like, I'm not going to, I don't want to just be one of like 35 comics suckling out his tea to be like, can't you make hanging?

And so I was like, no, no, no. And then, I don't know, it just kind of hit me. I was like, well, I've got nothing to lose. Like, why don't I just send an email? And I, within, I don't know, an hour or two got a response that he would do the podcast. I was shocked. And then we hit it off. And that was when I asked him was after the podcast recording.

I just was like, hey, you know, if you ever need somebody, would love to work with you sometime. And it changed my life. I feel like that's always a good lesson of if it's a situation where you've got nothing to lose, just do it because that email, sending that email in that moment completely changed the course of my career. He made it possible for me to do stand up full time. And then in those three years of touring is when I had done a couple TV things and stuff like that and then was able to transition to headlining. But it also, it took you believing.

to yourself though to be like I I deserve to have him on my pod like it's I know it'll be a good episode I know that it'll be a good experience for him and you did believe in yourself and also there's a way there's like a way of asking too like it's not like putting putting them on the spot like can I do it it's literally just like planning a seat in their head because think about like when people ask you stuff it's like all you're giving is I'm giving you an option and they will make the decision and you don't have to be pushy about it you don't have to be annoying really people just want to work with people they like and who they know are like hustling, you know. So you get successful, but you got you got married kind of young. Can we delve into that a little bit? Sure. Yeah,

yeah. I met my ex-husband when I was 22 and we were together for eight years and then got divorced a week before COVID hit without realizing that COVID was about to be the thing that it was. Um, so yeah, it's, um, definitely been like an interesting journey to say the least. Um, I didn't anticipate meeting somebody like him when I was 22, uh, you know, I talked so much on this episode about like being ambitious and wanting so much for career stuff. And so I kind of thought I was going to be just only focusing on that in my 20s, but, um, met him and fell in love and, um, yeah, but love doesn't care about timelines at all. just not care about timelines love actually prefers to fuck up timelines real big fan where'd you guys meet

we met at an open mic um in uh over in the seattle area and we're really lucky that we are still um like friends we still have so much love for each other and because they they become your family you know it's so different than just like some breakup after like a flash in the pan thing it's it's if you have something in your life for eight years it's they're your person yeah yeah family i i said this you briefly before on the pod but i was just saying that i was proud of you and that like when i hear someone gets a divorce you know like it must have been so hard but it's like that person clearly made a choice that they wanted something different for their life and that they wanted to find a different kind of happiness so it's like you not only have to

acknowledge the reality of your situation that clearly if you could survive it for eight years it's not like you can't do it longer necessarily totally sometimes not as black and white to be like I need to get into a different situation 100 I feel like very rarely is something completely black and white just when you're talking about humans in general and relationships it's often so so much great area and like god it you think of relationships that you hear like publicly like celebrity relationships that and horribly and all these horrible accounts of what happened but you can see that maybe some of those people stayed for a while because it's like well they initially they have love for them you know they were in love with that person

it's not just like one day somebody is completely evil to you and whatever it's it's always it's always hard yeah i mean obviously the it's fun to find out he has like a different family in florida but all those celebrity stories were like oh shit wow that was a really yeah exactly you're like i can't wait for a Netflix documentary on this one it's like she found you know another woman's body in a basement but i do think that you getting divorced before the pandemic hit is fun because most people did it during the pandemic and you're like i'm ahead of the game you're like i'm not i'm a trend setter. Also, I'm thinking about it in terms of content as we do. Like, you had such a, like, the fact, first of all that you blew up already married, that's awesome, because all my shit was

immediate just like being single. It's so, it's so painful in general just to come up with those like sad alone mid-20s emotions. But you already had like a stable relationship. So you had actually come up with more creative stuff. But now it's like, I can't imagine the emotions that are going through of being single in your 30s, probably have not delved into dating apps in any extent. I haven't had to deal with the fuck boy phenomenon necessarily. Like, are you okay? Like, what is happening in your brain right now? It's interesting.

I used to see my friends be on dating apps when I was in my relationship and be like, oh my God, that sounds, it sounds so overwhelming. So many different people out there. I've only like it kind of dabbled with one of the dating apps and it's such a weird phenomenon to be swiping through people because after a while people just become like clumps of teeth and eyebrows and chins and your brain just like doesn't even compute why you're even on there and if you look at them too long straight up you're like I don't even know if this is a human anymore like I can't tell if it's attractive not attractive you can convince yourself anything by looking at a

photo. Absolutely. Good or bad. Yeah. Good or bad. I've been, I was just talking with a friend about this that going on, if you go on a date and you know immediately you don't have a connection, you know, that always kind of sucks me. You're like, oh, whatever. But what I think is even harder is if you actually like somebody and then you realize that you're going to, as long as you keep liking them, you're going to have to keep investing time and energy into seeing if they're not like a sociopath. But in that process, you are. it is you who is part of that like investing of time and it's like I wish that there was a way you know how people used to send canaries into coal mines yeah to see if they would die I'm like I wish there was a way

you could do that so that you don't like waste your time and like waste your energy oh my god it's like I said before that relationships are like movies and like I wish I could just watch the trailer before I buy the ticket like just give me a little brief synopsis of what this is going to be But this is what it is. What you explained is why people have emotional walls up. Like I had a tough relationship and then I went on reality TV with like the biggest emotional wall up because I'm like, I'll see things, but you don't want to delve. Basically, once I realize that if you're with someone who's not healthy for your mental state,

your mental state suffers like beyond it. Like you can get in depression, anxiety. So I basically was like, all I care about is my mental state. So then eventually, naturally, someone's just going to fight their way in and it'll work. it is when you're just throwing yourself and your heart into these random people that like you don't know that's why I really preach like do not you don't it's you can have the hormones and whatever but like you don't like him you don't know him you don't know his heart you were both faking it at least the first three weeks to be like easy to be around like let's be honest so but but it's funny

because right you went from like you lived the the cookie cutter like got married young but you still had your career 100%. But now it's like, how does it change? Are you excited that you feel like you don't have a relationship to worry about right now? Or do you feel like, oh, I want to get starting on a new one? Where are you emotionally with that? I'm really enjoying just focusing on myself. And I'm so fortunate to have like the best friends. I love my friends so much. and I love my family so much, and I, I've just been having, like, a great time with them. Because you're single for the first time in forever during the most lonely time in human history. But I mean, maybe not human history.

We don't know the extent of that. But I do think that having those friends is so essential and having that, like, female energy coming in with, like, emotional, you know, awareness. I think it's easy if you're in, if you're in a long relationship. In order to have one, especially if you're living together, you change. You mold together in ways to create this relationship. But you can kind, you can lose touch with yourself. And I think I had lost touch with myself a little bit. And it's felt really nice to just have that time to be like, okay, who am I now at 31? Like, what do I like? Well, I was about to ask you, how do you think you're different now, Kelsey 31, than that 22-year-old girl who was, like, at an open mic in Seattle who fell in love? Oh, boy. Heavy question.

Yeah, it's a good one. We talked about this on self-helpless as well recently, just the idea of loving yourself and having self-worth. And I think in my 20s especially, I really looked to external sources to validate that. that rather than doing a really good job of validating myself. And so, and I think relationships are really convenient for that. You've always got, especially if you're living in that person, you've always got somebody right there. Like, maybe before you post a video on Instagram, you can just go, hey, like, is this funny to you? And I just got so accustomed to asking other people before just asking myself and being like, do I like this? Do I think this is funny?

Finding your own inner voice that does not need to be answered by other people and does not, you don't care what the judgment is and just trusting. Ooh, trusting yourself is so hard. Trusting yourself. Well, and I think if you don't have the right amount of self-worth and self-love, unfortunately, in a romantic sense, you can be really susceptible to things like love bombing or, you know, overlooking things for the sake of, oh, this person makes me feel really good. Whereas if you made yourself feel good enough, you would probably have a better gauge on like,

okay, yeah, like this person is making me feel good, but what else is going on here? It's crazy. I feel like society really does make you look for this like intense, amazing, wild love that like you find happiness with. Like it's so ingrained that like you're going to find happiness. But what's so funny is my healthiest relationship ever, it's not that I was necessarily in like the happiest place, but I was really like tuned into myself and really secure with just like if I was going to live the rest of my life alone I was okay with that like I love cats like cats are awesome and you don't even like I was like why do I even what like I wish I could text my cat so bad anyway so you like the shit we would talk about I mean they're sassy you know they'd be sarcastic and

sassy oh I just picture their names as contacts in my phone and I'm like oh god I so wish I could do that like when I'm on the road just to be like how are you? you like was dinner okay like how are how are we feeling today god i wish that would make me so happy but it's like once you come to that conclusion you actually it's like getting a good gift okay actually this is a pretty good metaphor i feel like okay when you when you get a gift of something that you need like sucks it's nice but like when you get a gift of something you don't need but you just want it's fucking good so what i'm saying is like when you feel like you need something there's like anxiety and it's like stressful and you feel

like if you lose it like but when it's just like it's it's like what share said like men are like a dessert so it's like i feel like just like wanting the guy is so much hotter than needing the guy and i'm not saying you have like a leg up or whatever no you both feel the same fucking way that you've chosen each other not that it's like this codependent or like toxic emotion so that's like my current opinion on things is like who do you actually want not who your mom wants you to be with not whose instagram will think is hot like who do you actually want and know that if they left tomorrow you're good and then see the like emotional stability in it yes and not in a bitchy way not like you can leave tomorrow i don't go the fuck more just like wow i'm so lucky that this cherry is here on top of stuff

okay i just went on to but that's how i'm i'm pumping you up for your i love that that's a That is a great metaphor. Do you feel like it's also weird dating in the public eye little where guys now can Google you and find you like just like whoop comics asses and foosball and then they like talk too bad on the first date and you're like, oh my God, this isn't a podcast. Yeah, it's I am realizing that, not just the public aspect of it, but being just a female comedian, I think sometimes certain men don't know how to. like initiate a conversation or yeah true initiate a conversation or like be normal you know

I think they like put a lot of pressure on themselves because it's this is such a male dominated field and I think to do this for a living can come off kind of masculine and um it's so funny how being funny is considered a masculine quality it's so weird to me but I guess that's like how men would like be charming to women but it's like you know that women have been shooting the shit with other women since day fucking one yeah exactly I know it is made some joke to lure them in I always say I hate when guys are like I want to find girls are like I want to find someone who makes me laugh it's like no find someone who you laugh at the same time with because that'll that'll last I remember um maybe it was a magazine interview or something but Kristen bell talking

about her relationship with Jack Shepard and she's like the two things I love the most about us are that he makes me laugh and I make him laugh and that always stuck with me or it's like that is so and not in a competitive way no but when you're dating a comedian the important thing to understand is like there's a difference between like on stage comedy and then like actual comedy chemistry between two people of like there are some people who are so fucking funny but maybe like on a podcast together we're just not and like you really have to find that chemistry of humor between two people and it's a different kind of thing than stand-up Exactly. And like you said, it's, especially with podcast now, not just the fact that somebody could go online and watch however much of my stand-up they want to watch. But I'm like doing podcast like Dr. Drew's podcast. I mean, you can go hear some like very intimate things about me sexually, which is like, you know, as I get older in this business, there's times when I'm like, Jesus Christ, Kelsey, like don't say shit like that. But I'm not there yet, but I see that for me in the

future. I don't regret it or anything, but it's just like it's intimate and it's something that, especially if a potential partner is going to go listen to before they even have a conversation with you, that's a weird dynamic where if they're not a public person, then you don't know any of that shit about that. A hundred percent. And speaking of your videos online, I want to address one of them. Do you have an IBS? I do have IBS, yes. Because I'm on this journey with IBS as in I whenever I'm anxious just like have diarrhea all the time like pre every before every tennis match well girl your girl is in the bathroom before every tennis match meditating no I was shitting myself and like I will get even just like overexcited about something like a dog and then just

like have to go to the bathroom what is what's your experience I'm not like diagnosed or anything I just thought that I have also I eat just straight cheese all the time and I think okay that's a big yeah what is your ibs journey okay fucking strap in here's the here's the journey we go let's not talk about sex poop let's talk about my second let's go straight to poop first of like let me start from the present day which is i've been vegan now for a year and that has basically eradicated my ibs oh no i know i'm sorry i'm sorry i don't want to tell you these things you can i love animals more than anything you can pretend like i didn't say that it just has helped me so much because it's like it's eliminated the things that are hard to digest dairy and all that

and I've ended up replacing that was so much more fiber than I was before and so I'm like I'm like clockwork now like I wake up it happens and then I'm good for the rest of the day what are some bad iBS experiences you had in the past like how bad was it the story that a lot of people know now is that um when my ex-husband and I were living together we only had one bathroom and he would take these like 45 minute man shits and lock the door and my ibs i mean it still happens like this where i don't have a lot of i don't have a lot of grace period okay like when it's coming like the the clock is ticked quick once i heard to feel it and so i started to feel some some rumbles and tingles and i texted him i was like hey like i'm about to shit my pants and he like would not get out of the bathroom and i um i had to

shit in a cardboard Sephora box in my living room. The Sephora is what makes it. The Sephora, just the glamour of it. I changed it to an Amazon box for the joke on stage for the sake of like a punchline at the end, but it was a Sephora box. And that was a low point. The black and white. It was so horrifying.

You're doing amazing. We're going to wrap up with a final game called The Seven Deadly Sins. seven deadly sins what are you greedy about dessert i know that's such a basic bitch answer but like if i if i bake cookies and i know it's an unreasonable amount of cookies for me to hold on to myself i still have a really hard time just distributing them amongst my family of friends i get very golem-esque and i'm like just freeze them like just like keep them and parcel them out over the next two weeks. I get real greedy with dessert. I'm not very good at sharing that. That's so funny. Yeah, that sounds like my dad when there's like a little bit of cake

left. My mom's Italian, so she wants to give it everyone. He's like, no, no, you're not giving that to anyone. Yeah. Okay, dad. I'm stingy with dessert. Who were you envious of? How much time do we have? I mean, no, we were talking before about the self-love, self-worth journey. I am envious of certain girls I see on TikTok. that just, like, truly seem to not give a fuck about what anybody thinks. 14-year-olds. 14-year-olds. Who haven't gone through puberty fully and they don't know yet the darkness of taxes and that kind of stuff.

Yeah, also them too. No, you mean like they're kind of, like, more free? I'm envious of people who, like, really don't care what other people think of them. Mm-hmm. It's so funny because, like, I think I'm there until I get, like, a certain message on Instagram and I'm like oh oh I guess they're right about that oh people's favorite thing with that people like to say to me it's like she tries too hard and like I don't even know what that fully means no you don't like I mean I am I am trying I'm trying my hardest but like what is that too

like what you don't what like I don't know how to take that criticism to be like do you want me to like not try to make people laugh like it's just the weirdest feedback that I've that's like the what like people will say that but they never have any followers so i don't think it counts when people say that to me that makes me feel so relieved actually it's always just nice to hear about other people who hear such like weird shitty things because you say it's like no you don't like that's not even accurate but if multiple people say it you start getting worried you're like does everyone think that about like three people said it to me and i'm like wait do all my friends think this about me and no one's told me and just that troll told me i can't tell you how many times i

have been down that road of like even if it's just two people i'm like but what if these are the two people that are just willing to say something and everybody else is just a good person who wouldn't tell me god it's the it's the it's the worst it's like you know it's like we created a monster with social media it's like you you the whole time you like i want more followers i want more followers and then you're like oh god what did i do you don't want it but yeah it's but it's interesting how we we talk a lot about that but a lot of the the trolldom is people first fall in love with you and then they realize that you don't care for them the way they care for you and then they want to take you down that's like just whenever something happens just be like you're obsessed with me but

thank you for the comment and engagement what are you gluttonous about so besides dessert what do you overindulge in oh again this is this is a real basic fish stuff but like definitely social media i i have a very hard time limiting myself and i just cookie monster that i just gobble tic talk and instagram and yeah i do i do love a good scroll but it's also like as a competitive person it's nice that there are there's like rules almost like you do something good and you get this um yes it's interesting because with with sports it's like you beat them you're better than them like it's very black and white so being in a creative place like this like especially stand up where someone will get an opportunity and it's like they didn't beat you in a match or anything

they just it happened so sometimes it doesn't make as much sense but i feel like social media can be fun because it is more of a game it is but it also can ruin your life yeah slippery slope When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Because you were quite pleasant, sweet human of what I've experienced of you. Do you have an angry side? Like, I'd love to see you snap one day. I definitely can be angry, but I'm not like, I mean, you're not going to see me, like, snooky journey shore. Yeah, like, I'm just, I don't have that in me. I don't have that in me. But I mean, if somebody, like, really. wrongs me i'm like you know for sure a very angry person but um yeah not not like outwardly do stuff like yeah how how are you with um dealing with hecklers and stuff like does it ever really piss you off i'm pretty chill about it now um i mentioned toering with jim and um he's such a master with hecklers and I think I learned a lot from him because he if a heckler shouts something

out in the middle of one of his punchlines one of my favorite things that he would say is sir you have the timing of diarrhea in the ninth inning and like he would take a heckler and he could be super angry about it but he would almost treat them like a silly goose like, oh, like, you are just, you're just so dumb and silly, like, shut the back up, you know? And I feel like that is more how I've chosen to try and handle things, you know, where it's almost like, kind of like make fun of them and just shine a light on how dumb they're being, but not make it uncomfortable. Yeah, because once you see, like, a comic actually get unnerved or, like, pissed off,

like, I know where it's like, I'm just trying to do this fucking joke and you're fucking it up. And it's like, okay, okay. I feel like every comic has done that one time and then realize that it's very hard to come back from that. And so you have to try and, which is unfortunate. Like, you want to. Again, it is like sports where like you want to break your racket or break your foosball. Yeah. But like you know you can't show that you're like falling apart right now emotionally.

And you have to keep that calmness to you. Exactly. When was the last time you were a sloth? So like a lazy piece of shit? Because you seem pretty type A. I am pretty type A. I have a hard time doing nothing. And I'm not saying that as like, oh, I'm so productive that I like don't let myself feel like. It's like, it's like an illness. Like I'm unwell. I'm unwell in that way. I should take days where I do absolutely nothing. But my,

that sort of rat race anxiety is in me a lot of the time where I'm like, well, if you're doing nothing. Somebody else is doing something and getting ahead. So you better keep, you know, editing these goddamn TikTok videos and making, Connor working on your jokes, you know. Well, it's hard because I feel like we love what we do as in like, I love being creative. So when I'm in a bad place, I'm like, I should be creative. But that is my job. And people are like, don't make a TikTok right now. You're so fucking stressed. But I'm like, no, it's what brings me joy. I know. Yeah. It's, God, it's so true. And then you see a comment you didn't want to see. And then it's a spiral. But that's my own shoes.

And then you have to make more content to get away from that yet. To make fun of it. And yeah, okay. Anyway, when was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something? Like, how's your ego doing? I feel like my pride popped up maybe a month ago, but not in a, I don't think it was in a bad way. I'm actually happy that it popped up in this way, which sounds so egotistical. You're like, it was amazing how it popped up.

But I think comics in general have a tendency to undersell ourselves or do things that, yeah, self-sabotage or we don't truly think that we're worth being treated well in a business sense. And so I was supposed to go to Montana for some shows and my flights got canceled. There was this whole huge snowstorm. And basically I flew and I was in this, I was stuck in the C-Tac airport for 10 hours. and only to just turn around after those 10 hours and fly back home. And the Booker was like, I was up in Washington at the time, and the Booker was like, how do you feel about waking up and driving here tomorrow morning? And it was going to be like a six-hour drive in a snowstorm.

And a younger me would have just gone like, fuck, I just have to do this because that's what you do. like you hustle and you get there and you fulfill your commitment and whatever and I I was like you know what that is just no it's just a terrible idea and it's also you putting boundaries on yourself like having that respect to have boundaries yeah yeah I didn't tell I wasn't like this is a terrible thing I just said you know I really I don't think I'm capable of doing that tomorrow I don't think that would be safe for me and it sucks sometimes to even be put in those positions where you have to make that decision yeah yeah and but um that was a time recently where pride and ego kind of came into it a little bit of like you know what I but you also really listen to

your authentic voice like in the past you'd hear like people saying like you don't work hard enough or like people who don't think that you hustle enough or that you deserve it or are you getting enough shows you just in your own voice were like yeah I'm not sacrificing my life for this right And even still, even after having enough pride to keep myself safe, I totally had those voices of self-doubt, like, oh, God, are people going to think I'm not a hard enough worker because I didn't go do this? And we ended up being able to do it virtually and it all worked out and it was great. But like it is hard. I do find it hard to do that sometimes? Yeah. Did you also feel like in terms of relationships, you've kind of always had someone. And now do you feel like different in that like now you're alone. and where your ego is now of like that your self-worth is as big without someone or with someone? I think I just saw a great TikTok video on this.

So these aren't even my words. I'm just echoing with somebody else said that in our society, I think we all place a lot of importance and a lot of value on being in a relationship. And I have totally felt that my whole life and felt like that that makes. you better in a way like if you're in a relationship that means that you know you've got that part of your life kind of checked off our final question is when was the last time you lusted over someone so like do you have a celebrity crush or like a random barista that like you want to have sex with what's happening that's such a funny either celebrity crush or like Jacob's Java

drive-through, like, who... You don't know who will turn you on at the moment. Celebrity crushes. My long-time celebrity crush has been Johnny Depp for... I mean, I just... I think he's single. I'm pretty sure, I mean...

And I think you're as tight based on his last relationship. I don't think, yeah, not the same... Not emotionally, but physically. Not the same feelings I have anymore. But I... Oh, wow. like but like pirates of the caribbean johnny okay yeah oh that was my thing um and yeah i mean

chris hemsworth will always be super fucking hot to me so you like him over leum yes oh wow interesting i'm a leam i'm a leum i guess this is where we differ who am i kidding i would happily take either at the same time at the same time yeah oh my god what a dream no those are great those are great so our final question um that all the little devils love to know is what is your ultimate piece of advice of what you do to cope with your hell when you're in the darkness when you're feeling the lava heat there's a great quote and have you heard of the desadurata no it's um it's basically like a poem but it's it's got a ton of great life advice packed into this poem. And part of it says, if you compare yourself, you may become

vain or bitter for always, there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. And I think if you're in entertainment, a lot of the hell you can feel is comparing yourself to others and feeling that you're not good enough and you're not doing enough. And that is always kind of a good reminder for me to zoom out and just realize that no matter what no matter how far you get in your career no matter what you do there will always be people that are ahead of you and there will always be people that are coming up um that have not like done as much as you yet and also thinking in this industry like imagine you'd be jealous of yourself if you were like 22 right like so like you're where you would have been jealous before and I do think the people around you like letting them inspire you

and letting them like build paths and like yeah i find it it's like the rule of um manifesting just like the more positivity towards other people the more positivity ultimately comes for you because if you're constantly rooting against other people like you're not even rooting for yourself at some point yeah it's that's not a good it's not a good um frequency to be living at you know that's not a good energy not to sound super laa but you know it's your perspective if you feel like shit and you're looking at other people in a shitty way you're probably not looking at yourself in a great way either yes yes so we love a positive frequency on this pod kelsey give me the goods where can people follow you watch you listen to

you give me everything yeah so my epic special premieres on friday february 26 um you can follow me on instagram at kelsey cook comedy same for ticot my website is kelsey oh thank you um my website is Kelseycook.com and I was able to just start adding some tour dates again now that comic clubs are able to kind of safely open in the limited capacity. So go to Kelseycook.com. I'm coming to Philly soon, D.C. Tacoma, Spokane, Appleton, lots of dates coming up. So where in Philly? The helium. Oh, nice. Okay, cool. Also, self-helpless podcast. Yes. Like, you guys are listening to my episode from back then. Hannah had a great. episode yes self-helpless podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts amazing well thanks so much

and guys i'll chat with you later in hell bye