Berner Phone - Lexi Stout: The Body Positivity Scam & Secret Eating

Episode Date: June 19, 2019

Former plus size model and Hannah's close friend, Lexi Stout, explains how good she is at cancelling plans, why she didn’t immediately love her dog, the complexity of body positivity, why she reminds everyone of Khloe Kardashian, how people hate fat people, platonic male friends, why she loves shy men, her instagram sickness, the deal with her and Carl, and why hitting rock bottom is great. Follow Lexi Stout on Instagram: @thelexistout Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

But I give off that vibe. I get off the like, I'm not going to fuck you vibe. Like, I'm sorry, but in our friend group, there's not one guy in that group that I would touch with a 10-foot pole. I've made out with a couple of the gays. I know. But, like, when Jeff comes for a kiss, I'm like, I'm in the vomit in your mouth. I think Reed gave me strep throat. We're laughing, but it's...

Reed is the best kiss you've ever had. Read is the best kiss I've ever had. Shout out to Reed. Was it worth the strep? Yes. Welcome to Burning Hell I'm your host Hannah and welcome to

You know where we are We're in hell And today You thought that was funny, didn't you? I'm trying to make you laugh I'm with a very important girl in my life Alexandra Stout Also known as Lexi Stout

My mom is the only one who calls me Alexandra That's freaky I am pretty much a mother figure in your life. I'm just kidding. I was going to say, I think a lot of people wouldn't beg to differ. But you, speaking of moms, you're pretty much like the mom of our friend group. So if anyone doesn't know Lexi is, she's actually one of my good, good, good, good friends. She did semi-star on Summer House last season.

She was in the scene where you asked, you got Danielle to make out with that douchy guy, it made Jordan jealous, which was kind of huge, integral to the storyline. It was. It was. What do we play? Rock paper scissors. Rock paper scissors, which is... My drunk mind really takes me to the place of producing a fantastic scene.

Fantastic. Maybe that's what I should be doing. I mean, but you are the mom, the friend group where you can get anyone to do anything, and you're the only reason anything happens. Like, if you don't plan it, it's not going to happen. So I want to thank you. you for that but it's funny because we partied really hard this summer and we got this amazing friend group like more than just a summer house cast and we like hung out into the fall and then I think

we all kind of like needed to detox from each other 100% definitely do you agree with me yeah I mean fall and winter always depression mode 100% depression like one long depression now I feel like I just woke up every day all day during the winter i feel like i just woke up from a nap every second of the day i mean i took like a 44 hour nap this weekend so so you're back you're one of my favorite people for another reason we made plans fully both knowing we were going to not do them i really knew like saturday morning i knew i was going to be like you know hannah i'm not going to make it out tonight And I kind of knew you would And I was just waiting for that text

And you were like, hey, my throat hurts And it was, we both were so happy Like you probably didn't feel bad for a second Because you knew that I was like, honey I did feel bad because we had it like a calendar invite I felt bad because I actually We did do a calendar invite which was a joke on our part But it still seems more real

When you get the notification You're like fuck, am I actually going to go or not And you had the nerve to cancel the calendar invite After we canceled Well because if it's in my schedule Then I'm going to think I actually did it And you don't want to feel productive. If I'm like, when was the last time I hung out with Hannah, I just type it in my schedule.

And then it'll be like, oh, we hung out that day, but we actually didn't. So you'll be like, I don't need to hang out with this friend because I've seen them in the last three months. Like four months, but yeah. But I actually, I love spending time with you. You know that. But it's really orgasmic. It was going to rain. To mutually cancel.

It was raining. I mean, it was the weekend. It was cold. Yeah. My throat still does hurt. Yeah. So I wasn't lying fully. yeah but like it's more like it was nice that we both agreed to do it and then i was like

i'm proud of us regardless and how you live in queen so it's like where's the happy medium it's nowhere close oh my gosh well speaking of me being in queens now it's like a long distance relationship between all my friends but now i get to see who really fucking cares about me um or who i actually care about well but now i'll go into the city and i'll like get all my city stuff done but then once I leave, there's no coming back. That's what I mean. So if you have an appointment at 4 o'clock, but you have a dinner at 9, do you go home in between that or do you, like, go hang out at Starbucks for two hours?

It's hard. I think I'm going to go home in between because I have a child, butter, and I like to see her. You have a child as well. I do. Charlie. Actually, I want to talk about your experience to Charlie because, you know, sometimes when you have a child, you don't immediately love them. I think people don't talk about that enough.

I did not like her. for the first literal two years of her life she was just an inconvenience to me and I'm not going to lie I did not need to get her when I got her I... Why'd you do it? I don't know, I think I felt lonely one day and I literally went on Craigslist and typed in puppy

and there were like four ads and this one was the easiest most convenient one to go. So it was purely impulsive. Oh, impulsive. I picked her name beforehand, Charlie, female. She is a little bit gender neutral. She's gender neutral. I went and I picked her out of a box I was like this one's great

gonna go took her home I love it because when I met her I was like this puppy is so adorable you can not not love this puppy and the first thing she said to me was yeah I didn't love her for the first two years and I was like well they're annoying it's like they bark at you when they want something

did you grow up with dogs yeah but my parents took care of them I know it's truly a child like I have a cat and I like to act like I'm this mother all I have to do in the morning is open up a can of food and clean her litter. I mean, I raised Charlie as a cat.

You realize that, right? She's peat-trained. I take her out like three times a week. It's actually great, but I do feel bad that she doesn't have like a huge yard to run around. Did you ever think of giving her away? Like, did you feel bad as a mother that you didn't love your child? Only on day three. Because I tried to crate train her, but then she cried all night.

I was sleep deprived and I was like, I want to give this dog back, but I've no one to give it to. But then you just kind of grow. to love your child. So you're saying if you have a really annoying child that comes out of your vagina or if they're like ugly or something. I hope they're ugly is going back. I was actually a really ugly baby and my dad likes to remind me. I bet you were.

Oh my God. Speaking of you being cute, you're also like stunningly beautiful like your face and it's like kind of annoying. Like even when you're hung over and shit, you still look good. I get jealous of people who are like that because when I'm hoping. I'm hungover. The whole world knows I'm hung over. Thanks, Hannah. So you were a plus size model. I was. But I wanted to have you on because I feel like you have a very unique perspective on plus size modeling. We're at a time right now where, you know, we're for body positivity. Yeah. But there's, it's more complex than that. And I think that you, wouldn't anyone understand that. Tell me what it was like deciding to be a plus size model. Like, how did you get into it? It was kind of also, I do things that spur of. the moment decisions um my friend chris is a brilliant photographer he's amazing um and he was testing out a new camera and i was like well i'm like kind of cute so let's like take pics so i went

over to his house and we did like an outdoor shoot and the pictures came back like actually really great and i personally i've always had like i look in the mirror and i'm like oh i look like shit today or this this but what he took i don't know how i was feeling that day but i was clearly killing it in life. So I looked to them and I was like, I'm just going to send these into like five or six agencies and just like see what happens. You know, I didn't hear back for like a week. And you were in New York City at that time, right? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't hear back for like a week. And I was like, all right, this was just like a dream that never caught on. And then I heard back from MSA models, which is now state. They're big time. They are. I think MSA was.

Well, they MSA, yeah. You were with MSA, no? No. So I did. People know this about me. I don't tell anyone about this. Google Hannah-Burner modeling and you're going to get so many great things. So I was not a model. I never wanted to be a model, no offense. I never consider myself like pretty. Shut up. No, I never consider myself pretty. I consider myself just like me. Like that's how I look. I didn't look at myself in the mirror ever. I knew that like I wasn't disgusting to people, but I wasn't like turning heads. Yeah. It was more like people would be like, oh, that's the tennis player. Oh, thank you. God, I got to say tennis. Oh, my God, I was waiting. I was like, are we going to talk about tennis? Oh, God, I was holding it for so long. Okay, no, I can last another, like, five minutes without talking about it. But I was into, like, design and fashion when I first got out of college, and I was doing marketing.

It was super boring, and they were, but they were designing a blazer. And there's something called a fit model. So a fit model, as you know in the fashion industry, is basically a live mannequin. So once they have the sizing, right, they need to put it on a model to see how it fit. So you're not being photographed by any sense of the word. You could literally have a cardboard box in your head. They wouldn't care. But you have to have the right ratio of like shoulders to bust to waist.

It's all about proportion. So apparently I have a proportional body. My torso is slightly long and my shoulders are a little narrow. But that's just between me and the listeners. You know, don't go telling people that. But nobody's perfect. That's the thing. Nobody's perfect.

Like an 18 here and an 18 there. Like I am 10 people are my size, but we all look completely different. 100% so I like did a couple gigs because they can pay you like $200 for just one hour of standing insane like it's you can make way more money as a fit model than like a actual fashion model yeah um okay so you hear back from ms a so you'd be in the plus size division so I went in for fit actually as well oh for fit yeah yeah so I went in for fit and I did not know what fit was when I first like started out I was like no idea um and when I walked in I sat on the couch and I was literally shaking. I was like, what the fuck do I think I'm doing here? Like, I'm at like one of the top

agencies in New York. Like, what? So then I walk in and my agent, my now former agent walks out and she's like, yeah, you're going to be perfect for this. And I like literally, I immediately got like shit pains. I was like, I'm going to die. Like I, my mouth dropped. It's like, be careful what you wish for when they're like, oh yeah, we'll do this. Then you're like, really? I'm like, what? So then we went in we did all the measurements and then I was signed that night to be a fit model to be a fit model for plus size clothing yes so like I was signed as a 16 yeah I'm about an 18 now but um I worked with like JC Penny Macy's Lee jeans um and a bunch of other like small boutique stuff that's amazing but it's sick money like you literally are behind the scenes you're not getting your makeup done all the time

but you have the face for in front of the camera so what so I did a lot of that stuff too but I was officially signed to print there was an issue because I don't have boobs now I was told yeah so fit modeling there wasn't always an issue because I don't have any boobs but they could put a little I can you know boost myself up but for images like lingerie and stuff like that there's no hiding it so they're like if you're plus size they don't care if you're shapely everywhere else they want big boobs I think for a lot of plus size women yeah I mean how often do you see a plus size model out there with no boobs. But how often is there a plus-sized woman without boobs in the world?

A lot. I know, but they're not picking them as your model. I guess it's funny because they're like, we want to be body positive. But then it's like, but if you're going to be big, you've got to be big in all the right places. Right, but if I had big boobs, I would appear much bigger. So I'm very happy to not have big boobs. Well, a lot of people get boob jobs and then they gain like five pounds and then they

look like they're 20 pounds heavier. Exactly. That's why I'd be scared to get a boob job. I have no desire. I mean, I thought about doing it for modeling. I love your boobs. You show them to me all the time. They're awful.

They're just tiny. They're the smallest part of my body. You're like, they were too purple. DM me, is there anyone else, like, in a big friend group? I feel like our friend group, there's the girls love showing their boobs. There's nudity. And the guys like showing their dicks. I mean, the gays at least.

So we have the weirdest friend group. I'm so happy to tell people this. Because our friend group is like a bunch of girls and a bunch of really crazy gay guys. And the gay guys love the girls. and then there's a bunch of straight guys who obviously love the attention from the girls. Yeah, it's like perfect, but it's like perfect ratio. So the straight guys think the gays are hilarious.

The gay guys love the straight guys. And the straight guys love that the girls love the gay guys because then the straights get to talk to the girls. The straight. But we all hang out. And I think like we all kind of appreciate each other's different humor and different lifestyles. I mean, every now and then we get an occasional

very inappropriate photo from the gays. Like every day. Every day. I mean, you never know. But anyway, you've had an interesting opinion on the plus size model industry. Let's get into it because I think there's more complexities than what people make it seem. I mean, I love the plus size industry. I think it's literally changing the world right now because little girls aren't freaking out to have, you know, a bigger leg than the girl next to her.

or I actually sat down with someone this week and they have a child that goes to school on the Upper East Side and this was so sad to me because they are bigger but not big but like there's like a ballerina who's in her class who is like my leg is the size of your arm

or something like that and I was like I can't believe kids are literally still saying that which makes me so pissed but aside from the upper East side of the like kids can be fucked up forever because she's never going to be that thing again. Exactly and like

When I was in second grade, I was so thin. But you remember those things. Like I remember, I was always the bigger kid in school. Like I was always the duff, the designated ugly fat friend. I'm not saying I'm ugly, but I was a designated fat friend. Yeah, you're like the hot. Always. But I remember every time someone ever called me fat, like the word fat sticks in your brain.

You will not forget it. You will not forget where it came from. Ever. It's a stinging word. It is. And it's a word that people throw around a lot. Like, everyone also has the skinny friends that love to call themselves fat. Right, but, like, if someone calls me thick, like, I'm with it.

Like, call me thick all you want, and I'm like, hell, yeah, I'm thick as hell. Like, let's go. But going back to the plezies industry, I think it is making strides, but I do think that there are things that are being shown that are a little unhealthy. Like, I'm not going to lie. And I think that that's, it's, I don't know. I mean, modeling's always showed unhealthy things. Do you remember in the 90s, like, they called it, like, cocaine heroin sheik?

Oh, yeah. Like, you had to have, like, dark circles under your eyes and, like, like, Kate Moss, basically. And you had to look like, you just, like, had a needle fall out of your arm. And you're like, I'm ready to model. And it was, like, cool. I do think that it's very, exposure is very important. You see more girls playing sports. You see more women in the news as CEOs.

And you see more different body types. But I also do think that glorify. Someone who's really, really skinny or, like, really obese is not necessarily healthy? Is that what you think? That's what I'm saying, yeah. I mean, I don't know. Everyone has their own opinions about this stuff. And I think that everyone can be whoever they want to be.

But these magazines choosing to put, you know, the really, really skinny person on is going to make these girls think that they have to be that thin. Or these plus size girls are allowed to be as huge as they want to be, which they can do whatever the fuck they want. I don't care. I wonder if some of them feel pressure to stay big. I don't know. That's a good question. I always felt like like Ashley Graham, do you like if she were to lose weight. Well, she has. She has lost a lot of weight. But I think her, like her response to this is always, I never told myself I was a plus size model. I always said I was curve. So as long as she's got some curve, she's in her realm, which she's killing it. Yeah. She's a badass. But my agent always told me because I used to fluctuate between like a 16 to an 18 to a 20 forever. I always have my whole life. And I was. like, is this an issue? And she's like, Lexi, I don't care where you go. If you're in that three number range, just stay there. And I was like, it's impossible for me to stay there. I can't stay there. Why? That's an issue. Because I eat when I'm sad.

Do you know what it is? I think that you are in touch with the honesty of like why you eat. So when you see other girls like glorifying something that has caused you pain that you haven't been able to overcome like hits you oh we're really going in huh we're going in all right we're going in before the interview i was like we're going to go there and she's like yeah i'm down whatever whatever and i was like no we're gonna go there because i mean i'm an emotional eater yeah but you have a metabolism that blesses your body i have i have metabolism from tennis but i'm the kind of person that like yeah i see i see food and i get to the point where i'm like i need to eat everything off my plate i've seen you do that

So she's not like, she's done before everyone else. I've had, I've suffered from, I feel like every girl has suffered from disordered eating. I, when I was at my tennis academy, I was feeling very out of control when I was 14 alone in Florida. And I had a lot of pressure to win matches. My parents were paying for me to be there and constantly reminding me like, this is why you're here. This is why you're here. So I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to run every morning.

And then I like gave myself a really firm, like, eating schedule. I was eating like a full bowl oatmeal and like pasta and like I was eating a lot but I was like even if I was still hungry I would stop because I wanted to be organized and I remember just I was so anxious about performing and winning that I just wanted to focus on food so I didn't have to focus on like all the pressure of sports why is food such a I just wish I wasn't such a big part of my every day like you know how you just naturally poop like oh it's time to poop let's poop and then you're done like that's how I wish it was with eating because it's it's just my grandma used to always be like oh I forgot to eat lunch and I was like that's adorable I wish I could forget

to eat lunch I fucking hate those people like your grandma can go fuck herself like RIP love you RIP grandma you probably were adorable I remember when I was at my most like I was I would say anorexic during like a six month period where it was mostly just me obsessing about when was the next time I'm going to eat when I eat try to enjoy as much I can then it's done be upset and then continue thinking about eating. Yeah. Which is, I'm, like, I was anorexic, but I'm pretty sure it's very similar with binge eating. Yeah, it is.

I mean, for me, it's not even, like, I can go all day without eating, like completely all day. I mean, I could literally not eat until 6 p.m. tonight. But then when you get home and you're, like, in this dark place, and you're like, fuck, my day went like, shit, what can I do to make me feel better than you eat all this food? And then after you're done eating it, you're like, I feel like, shit, why did I do that?

So it's a reoccurring thing that just, like, continues to happen. I get like really hungry during the day though. How do you not eat during the day? I chug coffee and water and I'm constantly working and also like I have a new V-Vance prescription. So it's like helping me like when was the first time you started binge eating? Do you remember? No. I didn't even call it binge eating until literally the beginning of this year. Like it didn't even take into accountability that I've probably had an eating disorder until this year. Wow. So before were you just like I have a bad metabolism? No, I would just be like I eat like shit But I always ate like shit at night

Which is like the worst time Like if I'm gonna order Chinese I should just do it at 9 a.m. Well, like a good wonton at 10 a.m. I mean they're great They are but night time is when Yeah, you're alone with your thoughts Exactly And the day's done

What can I do right now besides go to bed? And then but you know you're gonna feel bad after Oh I feel like shit And I have to like hide it Like, that's when you know it's an actual issue because you hide it because I'm like, oh, my roommates are sleeping. They're not going to know I ate this shit. And the only person who's going to know is my dog. And you're ashamed.

Oh, yeah. And that's why you didn't love Charlie because Charlie knew about it. I'm just kidding. Imagine. Charlie knows all my secrets. I fucking hate her. Charlie, why are you looking at me like that? Don't look at me like that.

Don't you dare bark. Oh, my God. When she barks when the delivery guy comes. Oh, my God. The worst. Oh, shit. But so you're obviously in a pattern. yeah because there is a temporary moment of bliss when the chicken and broccoli is going down your throat

it's usually um it's usually like chicken fried rice I think okay yeah like it's so good or curry so good yeah yeah I'm but yeah there is like you get it you eat it and then it's done so like what the fuck does that do for me yeah literally nothing except make you feel a little regret and then anything you keep a secret becomes bigger and you put energy to it and then it like becomes a thing exactly oh my god there's so much to get into well it's because i with my i was always jealous like my brother ate very intuitively as in like there could be the best birthday cake ever and if we had like a big dinner he'd be like i'm too full to eat it and i'm like but it's a birthday cake you'll like girls have a second stomach for dessert have a bite i guess

I always saw food as energy for me to, like, perform. So that's why I would, like, inhale it and be like, I need enough energy, which is my own issues. But after, so I was anorexic. I did have eating issues. And I went back to, I changed my environment. I felt more in control when I was back with my family, not in Florida. I saw a therapist for a bit.

And I think it was just an, it was an OCD thought about food that I was, like, stuck in because I didn't want to deal with other shit. Right. And then I remember, like, slowly over time, just like depression, suddenly it's not, like, at the forefront of your brain. And I just told myself, like, I'm never going to restrict myself again. And when you feel like you're not restricting, I think it's like my mom always had chocolate when you walk into my apartment. Oh, my God, yum. She always has a bowl of chocolate.

And because I've always had a bowl of chocolate, I never, like, put the chocolate on the pedestal. So I'd have friends who... Oh, I took, like, three of them when I was in your parents' apartment. I have friends whose parents would never let them have chocolate growing up or candy. And they'd walk in and they'd literally like hoard all the chocolate and eat as much. And because I always just had it there and it wasn't like a thing I put on a pedestal, I never really binge. I never thought about it. So it's kind of like once you let yourself be like food is not this scary thing or that can bring so much pain or bring so much joy and it's just there, then you start worrying about other shit.

Exactly. But honestly, since this year, I have like it's changed. my life a lot like it's I've really like looked at it as a project and as myself as a project and I'm like this year this is over like I'm actually identifying the issue it's been happening for years and I didn't even know it I didn't even know this was a thing that could happen and I'm going to like stop eating Chinese food it's not even good and then I like shit my pants yeah okay I have to ask like kind of intense question but did you ever want to puke after no why I don't know I think I probably have before but not purpose intentionally yeah you're like I just

I mean I think as a kid I thought about it a lot because I was just depressed that I was like the bigger friend in my like skinny bitch friend yeah so you think you were just born more curvy no I was I was a small child a very small child until I always say it was probably when my parents got divorce that I started to like lean on other things for help yeah so like I was probably 10 to 12 when I started to like notice that I was going to be the bigger kid in the friend group I was like this is my role I am going to be the funny fat friend and here I am today and you were okay with that for a long time I wouldn't say okay with it but I just like accepted it you know I mean I'm the fun friend like you are I

always bring everyone that loves Lexi but it's funny because every now and then we'd get in like some weird deep chat and you'd be like I don't like talking about this and you know I love talking about this stuff I know and I've been like wanting to get you on the podcast because I wanted to dig a little deeper would have had me on the podcast a month ago I would have literally not been able to talk about this well I asked I didn't tell you to come on I asked you and I think you knew what asking meant I remember I was with my friend and you and I made a like like we were at the bar and I was like I want to like think of a fun like workout routine for you and afterwards my friend pulled me aside and he was like don't say that in front of her like

that's going to make her feel bad and I was like no Lexi and I have understanding like you also can't I'm at the point with my friends where I'm all about honesty like I'm not going to pretend that things aren't annoying you just to make like other people comfortable and also I'd rather be a little uncomfortable to help someone I mean it's to the point where like you have to be comfortable with yourself and like if people are going to make comments like that like you did i i don't even remember this so it obviously did not put a debt in my life because we had been talking about it before and he didn't know he thought i ran to me was like let's work out where like people think like if you make a comment like that then they take it way more seriously than it

actually is so they're looking at me like you're saying it as an insult where like no i'm very very well aware that i need to be on a workout plan like Kanye's workout plan i'm in but like The fact that whoever that human was, I don't even know when this was or who it was, but said that, it's like he feels awkward then around me too. And you can tell when there's certain people who don't like fat people, believe it or not,

you can tell, I can tell a person doesn't like me the minute they meet me. The way that they look at me, the way that they act towards me. And most of the time it's men. There are some women, but men are fucking. awful you told me like at bars like a guy will just bump into you and not say anything oh yeah all the

time like they treat you like you're not there like i'm not there or like if i'm meeting a group of like my friend's guy friends it's like they'll say hi but then they have like no desire they will treat you like you're invisible exactly no desire to be my friend nothing but then the minute they meet me they're like oh fuck or they see how your friends interact with you exactly wow it's insane it's a whole different like it's like if I was walking around with two heads I'm not kidding it's like very noticeable when somebody like looks at you like yesterday I went to see wicked for Jessica Voss's the last show she's a fucking boss and I sat down next to this like older woman and she just looked at me like oh god this fat bitch is sitting next to me and like I

feel that like I know that's what she was thinking you should have sat on her but like at the end of the day I'm not going to change overnight yeah I'm going to make changes in my life like from here on out but like I've been dealing with that my whole life this is kind of an exciting moment I am beginning again because like I mean obviously I've always you have this like really bright light in you but you've had like a very huge wall I remember once we got Mexican which is our favorite thing to get I also am a huge eater so like I'm like a bad influence on anyone who's trying to eat light but um I remember sitting with you and like you definitely had walls up where I was like trying to poke at that was when we became like real friends

like when we like first went to dinner alone like just you and I yeah and I think that because we always got a well in the friend group because me and you were like the loud funny ones who could poke fun at each other and like knock it upset but when we're sitting there I remember you were kind of deflecting but I think you got from it that I cared yeah and I was like there's so much more to her that I haven't been able to I know you were digging I was like I need to understand her but now I use this podcast and it as an excuse to make my friends open up about shit I mean it's working here we are so i also want to delve a little deeper about your relationships but how is like your confidence in

yourself and you're like eating habits affected your relationship with men because also you are a very confident person it's like just outwardly like when you walk into a room you could like you light it up oh my god that's a nice thing anyone's ever said i've been in two relationships that were identical to each other Shut up. Which is so weird. Weird, but also says a lot about who I am. Well, you have patterns. You love a pattern and a ritual.

So each male was non-committal. Wait, did you hate them for the first two years and then you love them? No, Charles is fully committed to me now. My dog is killing it. No, but they were non-committal. They were older. They hung out with me when they wanted to. And I was okay with it.

I was like, this guy likes me, but only when he wants to like me. Because you thought that's what you deserved or what you were aware. Exactly, exactly. But I also have a lot of like male issues. Like my dad was awful. Like my brother's not my best friend. So part of me like I don't really need a man in my life, which like... You've learned how to survive without men.

Exactly. Like my whole life has been without men. Then your dad passed away. Yeah. which is like who knows like knock on wood my parents are still alive but I can't even comprehend what that's like um but it's even more complex pain when your relationship's weird it's weird because our relationship wasn't great but it's weird when the weirdest part really about it is when someone says like so what are your parents like and I'm like and I remember when it first

happened after my dad died a couple years ago and I was like how do I say I don't have a dad I'm pretty nicely I had a weird I had something like that where I was like oh yeah like I said are your parents still together or something and you were like my dad's dead but it's like it's like me with my last job people were like oh what happened with badges and I just go I got fired like I'm not trying to beat around the bush here it's like then people look at you and they're like oh my god and I'm like no like it happens like I don't really know how to talk about it's not coming back it's okay like RIP God bless you got a tattoo not for him oh sorry for my grandpa for your grandpa oh blank that's like a hot guy name it's my mental name and my grandpa's mental name I love that like anxiety once I realized it was not part of me it was just an issue that my brain had like gotten a bad pattern with yeah I was able to detach and not identify with and then it like lost power with your binge eating I think that's like the first step that you've done where you detach from it and you were like oh this is a habit I have that's not Alexandra Alexandra. It's not Alexandra. It's just a habit that I was doing to cope. And also the same with men. Like, that's just a pattern. It sucks. But the men make me happy. But also, first of all, you fucking love men. Two, men, like, love you, but you have a ton of platonic male friends. Like, 100.

Hundreds of men who just want to be near you all the time. Yeah. But I give off that vibe. I get off the, like, I'm not going to fuck you vibe. which is true because I'm very I'm not picky but I know what I like and I'm sorry but in our friend group there's not one guy in that group that I would touch with a 10 foot pole I've made out with a couple of the gays I know but like when Jeff comes for a kiss I'm like I'm in the vomit I think Reed gave me strep throat we're laughing but read is the best kiss you've ever had read is the best kiss I've ever had shout out to read was it worth the strep yes it was and I do it again. Also, you are intimidating when you have a lot of guy friends around you. I think this year, I'm not even like looking at dudes. Like I ended things last year with someone and I have

been like so virgin since. Oh my God, you're so prude. And I am fine with it because I want to work on myself. I want to figure out like how to make myself feel better and be more confident in myself before I even like, I don't even like go on dates. Like I don't even want to talk to men unless they approach me at a bar and I look at them and I'm like, okay, I would jump him. I, I'm like I'm into it But I can't I can't focus on that right now I love that because when you get

To that good place You're actually gonna attract much Higher quality people that are better for you When I love a guy like I'll choose him over everyone And I really have to not do that Like that was my biggest issue Like I will lose all my friends I can't imagine you being like that

Because you are literally the mom of the group If you lost you We would all be lost little ducklings And I just disappeared And I was like sorry I can't go to the Christmas party I'm going to my boyfriend's work party no no no i know it would be awful and it's ironic because he wasn't choosing you first no never just so fucking annoying but this brings me back to i'm so convinced like life is patterns and your

awakening is when you decide that you can break the pattern whether it's your bingeating whether it's like men that treat you like shit whether it's anxiety thoughts how you think about yourself i know okay let's play heaven or hell or hell eating breakfast food every single meal of the day how you don't like breakfast food not really like a quiche maybe but like not like a quiche no i don't really like breakfast really oh you're more into like i'm into like sandwiches oh yeah it's like lunch i could i could get with lunch okay i love that heaven or hell being blonde you know I did that last year right

I died my whole head blonde no I wasn't there I need to show you images it lasted 24 hours I had a panic attack and died it back that's another impulse move see I went flying I love how like your impulse moves

either like change your career or ruin yourself for 24 hours I went blonde because I cut my hair short before college and I like hate it wasn't like a cool short haircut it was just like some barbershop in Brooklyn was like yeah we'll cut seven inches off and then I went to college and I went to the Aveda salon

That's like the teachers, right? It's like the students. And I was like, I'm going blonde for 30 bucks. And the girl was like, I can't do this to your hair because I'd never dye my hair before. She's like, I'm not going to ruin your hair. And I was like, bitch, do it. It looked so bad. I looked like Gwen Stefani after a drug trip.

I mean, I did that once at aveda, but I had them do an ombre. and there was like a straight line in the back of my head. And I was like, I don't think it's supposed to look like this, but I paid 80 bucks. So like, wait, do you remember when Ombray was like cool? You should, I invented the Ombray in seventh grade. I'll show you an image. Oh, my God, you did. Oh yeah, it was so cool.

I believe you. Ohio was like, cool. Ohio was like, where to be. That's where all the trends start. Were you intimidated to come to New York because like Ohio? I didn't even think about it. No, I honestly, I was an impulse move too. Actually, Ohio, I love people from Ohio.

They're all of good personalities. There's a lot of us here. There are. A lot of Ohio State fans. Yeesh. I'm a Browns fan. Go Brown. Last time we saw each other, you said that you might move. Yeah, but that would be like an impulse decision too, so I can't really prep anyone for that. Okay, because it was kind of disturbing and I started to pull away from you. I mean, I've been here for seven years. It's like, how long do you stay here until like you're not satisfied? You know what I mean? Which is a whole other conversation we can get into. I'd say like 50-50. I don't know.

Do you think that you're ultimately going to be with a guy from the Midwest? I don't really want to, I don't really care who I'm with. What kind of personality guy do you think you're going to be with? Because you're like loud like me. Someone who's like quiet and can mesh with everyone but tells me when like I need to go home, you know? That is literally what I need. I'm obsessed with quiet men. Yeah.

I mean my ex was an editor and he. like was like he's behind the scenes he was the coolest guy but like if i was wasted he'd like looks like we're going home i'm like okay you're right well because you can't have complete control over them because you don't want to be dating your own slave exactly but i need a guy who i want to i want to be the one that like gets him out of his shell where like around other people is like cool confident but then with me i could get him to be silly and then he could get me to shut up yeah i mean that's exactly who i need in my life so if you're out there let me know we need to like me find two of the same guys and double date and just like talk over them all the time um our final

heaven or hell question let me think this is going to be top of my head for you heaven or hell heaven or hell wait let me think i want to think we're really going because the first one two were shit oh heaven or hell everyone says that they remind you of Chloe Kardashian because legitimately she is Chloe Kardashian. Okay, I'm going to tell you, heaven, like, three years ago, hell now. No, like, your personality similar to her in that, like, you're just, like, funny, you don't give a shit. And, like, you can't, you look like her a little and that you both have, like, nice lips. So why have before, yes, now, no? Because Chloe these days, like, she has the same personality, but, like, her appearance is just so fake to me.

I don't know. She's also, like, what, a size, like, six and she used to be a size 12 and, like, it also looks like a painful sex it looks like a real i don't know i mean i'm all about plastic surgery make yourself look better whatever do whatever the fuck you want to do yeah but like she was known as like the curvy like funny girl and she should have stayed that way i don't know why she didn't also when i say a painful six it looks like she's not eating enough but then her ass is huge and it's not fitting the rest of her body i'm okay like i'm a little more have more pains on plastic surgery i just feel like people look best when they're like proportional with just be natural like there's a way to do plastic surgery natural there's a nuanced way like my lips are fake as fuck and nobody

would ever know no because your lips maybe like weren't proportional and now you like made them more proportional i also think like get plastic surgery yeah to be more comfortable with yourself not to look like everyone else and i feel like she's trying to look like her sisters in a way she's also just she just looks crazy but also on top of that when you go on instagram it's like the plastic surgery plus the face tune it's like you might as well just like every photo that they post has a filter on it and I'm like you guys their whole TV show has a filter like why the whole TV show like I don't understand a pimple is okay to have like yeah I have like six right now like I'm over it I'm just over everyone trying to look the same like if you look at a lot of these like 18 year old Instagram girls

I don't know who money they're getting to pay for all specific surgery can I have some But like beauty used to be like you know you'd see a girl and you're like oh she's pretty and you like didn't even know people's faces could look that way. Now it's like I've seen you all over the place. It's sad. I know they're filtering the same way but everyone wants those big eyes with a certain like brow lift a tiny tiny button nose and then abnormal big lips. I mean everyone's doing it which is the problem and brands are only working with certain people who look like that which is kind of kind of the reason why girls are doing it because a lot of their money is coming from Instagram. Instagram so it's bad it's yeah it's bad on both ends and there is money involved and that's when like shit gets messy it's like you can edit your photo it'll really look like that perfect angel from from vogue there was a really funny um one of these accounts showed like what old school beauty would look like if it was nowadays they took like Marilyn Monroe Sophia Loren and um who's the girlfriend breakfast at Tiffany's I never see oh my who's a girl that like page looks like um olivia colpo no i'm fucking google now i'm fucking google

it's probably um we're both going to feel really fucking dumb after this audrey hepburn that's who it is okay audrey upburn do you know audrey uppern yeah i know who audrey heppern is so like they're all beautiful but in their own way did they have a little nuanced plastic surgery yes do you think marlon Monroe definitely did she did she did Yeah, they show a lot of before and afters, but that she got like a touch on her nose, her lips. I personally think that like, I don't, I was addicted to tennis. Oh, thank God I got to talk about it.

I was addicted, but like I've never touched cigarettes because I'm like afraid that I would just get hooked. I'm afraid that if I started plastic surgery, I would never stop. Like why stop at like a little, like you can always change yourself. And that just seems like a mindset that I don't want to ever get into. Especially if you have the money to do it, you can literally make yourself look like. whatever you want instead of getting the mindset of sculpting yourself so as you can tell i'm broke because i haven't paid for plastic surgery to suck the fat out of my body and put it all in your ass all in my no i have a fat ass too god i put it all in your tits they'll be real then just my own fat into my

i don't know i feel like it's all just like a terrible science experiment got wrong well i hope i hope that instagram taking away likes if that does happen wait tell me about this because i haven't well i i just been hearing about it that they're going to take away likes and then i think that the so brands would pay based on pure engagement i guess so yeah how like i don't i don't know that's just the word on the they're saying so people stop comparing how many likes people are good i mean it's bad like my you'll still compare comments my boss's eight-year-old kids were like how many likes did my mom get on that photo of me what about my sister what did she get on that like it's bad eight years old are they doing it based on like mental health are they doing it because of some like

to get people to comment more, to get more engagement. I have to look into this. If anyone knows, comment, I have a new Facebook group, Burning in Hell Little Devils. Oh, I need to join. You have to join. Everyone will post about that and talk about it. Are you ready to play our final game? We have another game?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Can you be more excited about it? Yeah, I'm so excited. You sound like I'm torturing you. Okay. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about?

does this make sense if i say ubers and via that makes complete sense if you don't follow lexie on instagram it's at lexie underscore stout did i make that up it's not it's at the lexie stout oh at the you are such a little douche to put a the someone else had lexie stout what the fuck am i supposed to do you could do an underscore that's stupider you sound like the real donald trump no if you put the real i'd have to have to talk with you oh my god maybe i should change it that's a great idea well now it's ironic anyway um she has a great

and it's the story of all the shit that happens in vias to her and it's really iconic I just love via why do you like via also via you should sponsor this podcast why do you like via as opposed to uber um well via is like five to six dollars

anywhere in the city and it's pool it's pool but you're only going around along that route like uber and lift will take you around 14 circles before you get anywhere and that one circle can be 10 minutes so it's pretty fast I don't how do you do with like strangers in the car I it's in the morning I'm literally like looking at my phone or listening to like music or picking my nose like I'm not paying attention

you might meet like your soulmate in a via I mean probably not but it's possible I never look up like I don't even know what the faces look like I know and if it's a van I just like get in the way back and just like wait it holds my time to get out yeah and I've better than like taking the subway in 90 degree weather or if it's like negative 27 outside like you're right I recently saw a meme of like someone looking really adoringly at someone and then there's someone else looking at them and they were like $30 Uber versus the same no exactly exactly okay um who are you envious of I mean maybe my grandma because she's forgot to eat lunch all the time that she could say because she's dead no I just got real dark I'm really envious of um like successful women entrepreneurs because

I love Sarah Blakely who invented space. Oh, yeah, she's a fucking badass. She is who I want to be. She is really who I want to be. Well, she was like a salesperson, right? Just on the grind. Thought of an idea, started working on the side. And now she has a billion, billion, billion dollar company.

A billion, billion dollar company and has a family of like four kids and an amazing husband, like goals right there. All the energy I get from you is entrepreneurial. Like, you're too good for any just like nine to five. Oh, I can't work in nine to five. And I know that you're already killing. it at your job that you're like kind of running and it's not a nine to five but like when are you gonna when you're when you're when you're gonna when you're gonna when you're gonna when you're gonna

start because no but like you're you're at you're in New York City you're in the place you're supposed to very soon Hannah there's some things in in post production okay that's really exciting but there's like a couple things like it's not just one it's like multiple so we'll see what happens first you guys go to at the Lexi Stone that underscored Lexington um what do you gluttonous about besides chicken fried rice wait before we where do you get the chinese food like if i were to want some what's your favorite place to order in the city take out you're in like midtown so i'm literally in chelsea but close okay chelsea i'm sorry for offending you i'm really sorry you're like don't ever fucking say i'm like on chelsea at least makes me a little bit richer okay um honestly

i don't even know what it's called it's just like the recommended there's royal siam that's really good curry um do you like Thai curry yeah it's Thai curry yeah it's Do you know I love about Thai food, they're really lazy at naming their restaurant. They're always like Thai-ish or like Thai one. Thai food. The Thai food. The real Thai food. They're too. Just look. Next time you see a Thai restaurant, they're going to have Thai in it and it's going to be a lame pun. This is what I observe. But what are you glutness about? I mean, obviously royal Siam or whatever it's called. Like I'm obsessed with Instagram right now. Why?

And it's sick. It makes me help. Why right now versus like a couple months ago? I think I'm trying to build some stuff. Build some stuff and get ideas from other people and kind of more of them all together. So you get into like wormholes. So I get into like I just started like creating boards and saving things into different ideas. So like I have like one that's like podcast.

I have one that's like job. I have one that's like post this sometime soon. Like a million different things. So I'll sit and I'll just like look at all these people that I didn't even know these people existed. Like I'm on some girl who's on some reality show in England's post. Or her ex-boyfriend's cousins. Exactly. And I'm like, why did I just spend 15 minutes doing that?

I love trying to like, I literally end up at the most random people. Like they have like 400 followers and I'm like trying to figure out their life. I'm like, well, when did she break up with him? Because she hasn't posted like in the last three weeks with him. And be like, oh, well, they were dating in 2016. But then they got engaged in 2017. But then when did they break up in 18? I love these stalking fest because they're not even to like learn about your ex's, you know, girlfriend.

It's like just random people that I'm fascinated what their life is like. I mean, there's, I'm also fascinated. I just started going to a lot of Broadway shows. And I'm obsessed with this girl show, Shauna Bean, who I just started following like three weeks ago. Wait, I feel like I know that person. Oh, if you know her, she's remarkable. Her voice is like an angel. What is she saying?

She doesn't. She doesn't have like a. musicals, but she doesn't. No, she doesn't have like a hit album. She has an album called Spectrum, but she's the star and waitress right now. Oh, cool. Well, maybe not when this comes out, but she was the star in waitress. You were a singer. Yeah. Why'd you quit? Because I knew I had, like, no future in it. When did you quit? In college. So I sang, like, from, like, fourth grade. How'd you know, you know you had no future? I'm just really, like, not that good. You know, and you're just like not that good and you weren't like that into it um at that point i was like

people in choir musicals are fucking annoying like i don't really like the people that come with it's funny that was like tennis like all like it was a lot of like highbrow like rich right and there's always a competition and it's like at some point you just kind of like yeah and at least in tennis i could like if i hated a girl like i could beat her ass where like you had to just like sing next to her and get judged subjectively. I mean, I do love singing, but we'll see. I think you should bring it back. Maybe I should.

Maybe that's one of my new projects. We got a little off track. Yeah, I'm going to add that to the last. The new EP drop is soon. Get that remix. Okay, when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? I've actually never seen you like Matt. I've seen you annoyed.

I don't, I don't get mad really. Like, you'll get annoyed and like bitchy, but I've never seen you like lose your cool. I'm more of like a passive kind of bitching. Yeah, you are. Which is actually the worst. Just don't talk to me because I don't want to discuss this. You could make someone feel like shit. Oh, I feel really bad because I just told someone this the other day.

I said, you know, when I'm in a bad mood, everyone around me is in a bad mood. And it's so bad. And my new roommate is who I told it to. And she's like, now probably terrified of me. But I was like, no, if I'm pissed, you know. And you're pissed too. It's like a happy wife, happy life. Like you're the mom of the group.

I know. When you're not happy, we're all just. like have our tails between our legs and we're like did we do something wrong it's like it's a blessing and a curse well because you can light up that's what happens you could light a room you could demo room I know um I I really don't get mad I don't know I like my dog shit on my rug this morning and I was about to kill her but like I didn't because she's my dog so I didn't I don't get mad why'd you do it I don't attention who knows that's what I do for attention to shit on rugs yeah Hannah not again did you not text her back

Oh, go ahead. When was the... I thought of something, but it's not good. No, it's not good. What? It's not good. What? Just a stupid girl.

Did you shit on a rug last time? No. You got too drunk and you shed on a rug? Are you shitting right now? No. Go ahead. Fine. When is the last time you were a sloth?

Besides all weekend when we canceled all each other? I know, I was going, we literally were texting each other every six hours, missing the time we're supposed to hang out going, sorry, I was napping, what's up? And then six hours later, I was napping, what's up? I was a lot. I was later. Sorry, I was napping, that's up. A real actual sloth is probably going to come next week when I'm home.

You like binging on Netflix, don't you? Yeah, but I don't even watch Netflix anymore. I'm just constantly on my phone. I just turn it on and I'm looking at my phone. I don't even know why the TV's on. I get mad because I miss things and I just wind it. And then I look at my phone and I have to rewind it again. It's like stupid.

It's so stupid. And I at least feel productive after I like finish watching something. But if you've been on your phone for 30 minutes, which could go by in a second, you still don't really feel like you've done anything. Unless if I've gone through my DMs, then I feel productive. No, but I was a sloth this weekend for sure. That's probably the last time, because I haven't been in the city. And it's the weekend, so you don't feel that bad about it.

And it was raining. Well, rain. That's not our fault. But I didn't order any food, which was, like, bizarre. Like, I haven't eaten. Do you cook? Yeah, I like to cook. You have to brag.

I'm a chef. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? I feel like you're pretty prideful. You're like me. Get in the way. Yeah. It happens to me at work a lot because Because you're kind of the boss

I am the boss and like My little minions love me But like sometimes I can be kind of an asshole But I think it's kind of good to be an asshole sometimes So that they know that I'm the boss and I'm not the friend Honestly that's I wish someone told me that when it came to babysitting Because like The kids like I'll be like I'll be the cool babysitter and then they will turn on me

Exactly They'll take advantage of me and next thing you know I'm getting attacked in a cornerstering corner with like I'm I used to get locked out when I was babies at her because I was so nice but and they like we're like it's so funny I'm like no I'm gonna fucking kill you guys I literally have let kids watch the most inappropriate shit on TV just because I wanted to watch it too I was like yeah I haven't caught up on this episode don't tell your mom and next you know I'm you know it's 2 a.m it's like an episode of like real world yeah they're like wrapping my head with toilet paper and I'm like yelling and screaming uh it's like when I would teach tennis at one point

all the kids would take the tennis really yeah i always play tennis i was really good and the kids would take the tennis balls and hit me with them and i'd try to hit them back because i'm like if you're gonna hit me i'll hit you back and then the parents would come and we're all just trying to hit each other with tennis balls and they're like is this what we're paying you and i'm like tennis is violent at times it can be when was the last time you've lusted over somebody tell the truth i can't oh my god you have to no it wasn't that long ago but then it wasn't that long ago but then it It went up really quickly and then went down even quicker. Oh, so you had like a moment?

I had like a moment with someone, yeah. Do I know him? Yeah. Is it Carl? No, I'm really, I'm not saying his name. I'm literally, I swear on my grandmother's dead body. What's the deal with you and Carl? Because Carl loves you.

We have like a relationship. Have you ever meet out? No. Have you ever almost fucked? No. Absolutely not. He's weird because he's so sexual, but then he has such like a. He's not that sexual.

He's not that sexual. You're right. That's what it is. Because I'm like, if you're that, like, sexual, how of me and Carl not made out? No, yeah, he's not. He's not at all. No, Carl and I just, we talk about, like, our demons often. And we just, like, have a weird, like, relationship.

You guys are really cute. Yeah, we love each other. He loves you. It's kind of annoying. I'm like, okay, I get a little of a lot of us. So to wrap this up, you were amazing. I knew you'd be amazing. I feel like you talked about a lot of really important things and our friendship being the most important.

What do you do to ultimately cope with your health? when you're in those dark places what advice would you give to the listeners i would like pinpoint the issue and really like take it on and be like what can i do to fix this so don't see it as like this huge crazy don't start like a stop sign like this is going to end your life if you're going to binge eat for the rest of your life like no it's not like literally look at it like a game and be like this one thing like it's canceled like game over like kill it it's done um and that's the only way you can do it's the only way do you feel like you have more hope now that you've decided that like you see what the problem is and that it's not just the spiral of like out of control yeah it's just taking action and like

actually getting it done but it took you a long time literally years why so long because i didn't even know it was happening why not because i didn't want to know it was happening why not because it didn't want it to end because you kind of liked it why not Why didn't you want to end? Are you done? No, why didn't you want to end? I don't know because I don't like, I don't like feeling like out of control. I don't like not knowing, exactly. Enforcing yourself to change because you're a little stubborn bitch.

Oh yeah. Stubborn as hell. So that's why sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to make a change because it's hard to just like consciously when you're kind of doing okay make a big change. Yeah. So hit rock bottom people. Don't be afraid. That's all you got to do is. hit the bottom but no you're so inspirational you're so open about your story thanks hannah um follow her on

instagram at the lexy stout she's great and also she has a lot of fun projects coming up in addition to that comment i mean what do you do rate review subscribe thank you i don't know what podcasts are to burning in hell also join the burning and hell little devils because i love all of you and i think we're starting to make a pretty cool community everyone who community everyone who joins puts their own seven deadly sins and I'm loving reading them and I will talk to you guys another time. Bye.